Biggest Whopper You Bought?
Every now and then as a Friday Challenge, CN tries to out-do each other with Most Outlandish Lie we were fed. Which is bad enough. What’s worse is that — trusting, foolish chumps we once were — we bought it.
Like the cheater who refused to wear his wedding ring “out of consideration” for his wife, because a wedding ring is a “signal” to predatory women, desperate to have affairs with him.
CN, we’ve swallowed some whoppers. Judging purely by the all the Bible study that goes on in hotel rooms around Chump Nation.
(The lies are not original. Which is rather the point of this exercise for the newbies — They ARE NOT original! It’s not just you!)
So today’s Friday Challenge is to share the Dumbest Lie you bought. (Aside from your wedding vows. Don’t play the obvious.) I’m talking gobsmacking lies that still have a scintilla of possibility. Okay, it’s possible he’s sleeping in his car in Vermont… in January… without cell phone reception…
Probable? No. Possible? — well it’s not against the laws of physics, so YES, I suppose it IS possible and to conclude otherwise would smash my world into smithereens…
So, what stupid lie did you buy?
Until you didn’t — because these things do tend to wake you up at 2 a.m. and make you cross-reference your data plans. Then it’s BUSTED. Then it’s more lies…
Then it’s CN encouraging you all to get away from the mindfuckery. And you do. And then later, as you approach meh, you can point and laugh at it.
So put your Stupid Lies out there, CN. Let’s laugh at it. And ourselves. Thank God to be free.
TGIF!
That the fifty texts a day were ‘just banter’…..
What a chump…..
Oh yeah. The messages I discovered were just “prison talk”. They work in a prison and what I discovered was just stupid prison talk.
You know the
“love you too’s”
Allowing her to refer to him as her manssss. When he never led on that they were anything other than “bro, friends, niggas”
I said either you meant that shit or you were manipulating her to get what you wanted.
I saw my then wife’s dentist texted her, “Your body is amazing and I can’t wait to see you again,” and she told me he had never seen her outside of his office with staff present. I believed that. I had no doubt it was true.
I actually accepted his excuse that a text he meant for his AP that he accidentally sent to my daughter was identity theft. I actually called Apple to ask about it.
Later he said it was a text that another friend he’d been texting with at the same time had sent him and he accidentally copied and pasted it for our adult daughter. He got the friend to lie and say he had sent that text to his wife. I bought it!!!
p.s. I heard later (once my STBX confessed to a 2 1/2 year affair, that this friend told my STBX that he felt terrible that he’d lied and never wanted to talk to my STBX again.
Biggest whopper…
This a tough one- but I’m going with –
“I love you”
I think we need a Wheel of Fortune game show for chumps.
Can I buy a vowel? Opps- you spun the wheel too many times and hit bankrupt!
Hard being us.
Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. For 24 years.
Exactly. I love you means nothing to someone who does not know what love is. That was definitely the biggest lie that I bought.
She said it multiple times a day for 20 years. When she announced she was leaving for her AP, she said, “I once loved you.” I laughed through tears and said she was lying again. She shrugged and said, “Believe what you want.”
Okay, so I believe she may have loved me for what I had, not for whom I am. Therefore, she loved my bank account, my stability, and my loyalty. But she never loved me for my soul, the thing that really matters.
I think narcs love us … as much as they’re able, for as long as they’re able.
But not only is their love extremely shallow and quick to evaporate when they get distracted by something shiny, they assume that’s what everyone is talking about when they say ‘love’.
My theory is that they do the temporary love-drug of infatuation, but as CL says, they don’t actually bond, the way others bond. Not even to their kids, their own parents, long-time friends … That’s certainly what my Ex’s behaviour has consistently shown.
Horrifying, once you realize.
I heard some interesting ones: The ring he bought online that I never received was a gift for me not a mistress. He needed to keep his account on the world’s largest swinger website just to keep in touch with friends. That the woman I could hear on the other end of the phone was his boss (who I KNOW has a masculine voice not a feminine one)!
THIS!! Exactly right KarenE and Brit! Well said.
Karen, I agree, there’s no bonding to anyone. Once you’re expiration date has expired that’s it. They’re incapable of love which is why they have no genuine empathy or compassion.
It’s frightening when you realize what you were living with
If this was a Bingo card, “I love you” would be the free space!
LOL… absolutely!
“I only downloaded Tinder [while on a road trip by himself after stopping at a hotel] to mess with people. The stuff they say is really funny.” I guess this isn’t really following the rules because I never actually believed this one but it is share worthy for sure.
Mine are
He pretended to commit suicide.
He was robbed at cashpoint.
He would tell me he loved me at the front door then do drugs with prostitutes.
She’s just a friend.
Pretended to have a stroke.
Lied about ow being abused as a child, found out later was a lie.
He’s a fuckwit, yes people still think he’s nice.
Susan!! My pretend to have a stroke too! Oh my God, I thought I was the only one! We even went tot he ER and he spent the night in the hospital, only to be told nothing was wrong…..
Together from 1994-2018 never once did she tell me that she was sexually abused by her uncle when she was 8 years old. So before the final D-Day 2 years ago we were in bed after she came home at 2 am one night. We were fooling around and I was about to get her good and ready when she stopped me from going down. First time ever she told me I couldn’t do that and gave me the sexual abuse story. I’m guessing Sparkle Dick dumped a load in her before she got home so she had to give me a BS excuse to why I couldn’t. Guess I should be thanking her for stopping me.
Omg I got the abused as a child crap too! Fake tears and all. The kicker came when I read his diary and found out it was all lies. And I am a REAL SA survivor. That’s really hurt that he could use that lie to justify his shitty entitlement given he knew my past abuse history. They have zero morals. And yes everyone but by psychologist got fooled into thinking he’s great. My psych calls him a predator however. Who used my history to abuse me further. Mindfuckery doesn’t even come close to what this prick did to me.
Mine said that as well. Got years of compassion and understanding from me because of it. Now I wonder if it really happened.
That a text that came through to her phone while I was using the torch on it which said, “Have wicked wet dreams about my cock pounding in and out of you” was a mis-send and not intended for her….
Horrible. So sorry.
Oh dang…sorry dude.
The sudden “manscaping” (completely bald) that happened overnight was because 1) he was too enthusiastic with the trimmers 2) he always hated the colour of his pubes (bright ginger)
I second that!! Ewwwwwwww!
Ewwwwwwwww!
Fuckwhit would tell me he is going on out of town weekend trips with his buddies. They would go to sports events. Even brought me back tshirts from every trip. This would occur 4-5 times a year. Years later I found out these weekend excursions were not exactly what I was made to believe. He would meet his ho-worker at the airport and they would fly off to spend the weekend together or he would fly to a random city where his ex girlfriend friend from college just happened to be presenting at a trade show. I fell for that shit for years. That’s what happens when you trust an entitled asshole.
Lorel — I am right there with you sister! Only mine had me driving him to the airport and picking him up as he returned from his love trips! He would get pissed if I were not in the cell phone lot waiting for his return. I used to wonder why he started skipping the goodbye hug and kiss, but just attributed it to travel nerves. I was such a champion spackler, that he didn’t even need to lie to me.
We live in a rural area with poor airline service. I used to get up at 3 AM so I could drive my cheater to the Spokane airport to make the 6 AM flight to San Francisco with connections to LAX. I later realized it was important he arrived at LAX at 3 PM so as not to inconvenience his AP who was picking him up at that end. Every consideration for her… no consideration for me.
so sorry. this is terrible.
Dick!!
Yes, I hear you on that one. My ex’s father DIED and he had me book a flight Orlando instead of Ft. Myers, so he could pick her up and bring her to the hotel while he attended the funeral. Classy eh?
Discarded wife. I live in your area! Hello fellow chump 🙂
My h did not, NOT not look at porn bc he knows my problems and agrees it’s awful painful….but somehow someone snuck into his phone and sites were just on there!
I actually believed some creep played a joke on him.
There are a few of us in the Spokane area. Check the Reddit site for meetups.
I don’t see any results in r/CLN for Spokane
I flew into Spokane a lot. I hate the 5:30 or 6 am flights.
Well that is a suckfest. My forced sacrifices for my cheater were more like extended episodes of single parenting while he was on a work trip (extended for fuck buddies) but trips JUST for cheating where you had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn and he was mad if you didnt do just what he said?? that is awful !! Pergatory, I tell you…Pergatory
I heard some interesting ones: The ring he bought online that I never received was a gift for me not a mistress. He needed to keep his account on the world’s largest swinger website just to keep in touch with friends. That the woman I could hear on the other end of the phone was his boss (who I KNOW has a masculine voice not a feminine one)!
Yeah. My ex got fired which separated him from his girlfriend in Korea. I actually bought it that when he flew back to Korea a month later, it was as “an extended interview” with another company and they were paying the airfare/lodging. I was working full time and caring for our children and house basically solo during the last few years of our marriage while he had made ever more frequent trips to Asia. I could have used his help at home those months he was between jobs. He soon did find another job that utilized “his strong business connections in Korea” and began traveling 50%. It backfired on his Korean girlfriend (who was happy to be a “second wife“ in her hometown and didn’t want to move to the US), however, when he met the “love of his life“ in China months later, and left me and the kids with a group text literally after a one night stand, and brought her here and married her as soon as our divorce finalized. Wonder how their quarantine alone is going. Rumor from my former sister in law is that she is “super weird” and “kind of mean.”
But we’re just friends. Note that he is sitting in the chair next to her in his underwear because he just got out of the shower.
At our New Years Eve celebration, a text came that she checked right away that said, “Happy New Years and I am thinking of you “too” – and she claiming she didn’t text him (she just returned from the restroom) and said”Look…do you see any texts from me” (she deleted them. The other one was….I called my ex because he usually knows the best rental car prices (we were planning our summer vacation). He is a commercial plumber and I a location recording company for 20 years renting weekly. Yeah, I swallowed it because she swore to God #christiancheater The best one was showing her itemized phobe bill from Verizon showing after work for the preceding 4 months she was calling him the entire way home and texting him and her arguing THE VERIZON BILL IS WRONG
I got the SAME THING! “I don’t care what the cell phone bill says, I NEVER called her.” He thought I would believe that just some random wrong call on our bill was HER number? Oh. My. Gosh.
This sounds like my father, who cheated on my mom then left her to be with his AP and cheated on her too etc etc Anyways it wouldn’t matter what evidence you put in front of him he’d deny deny till the cows came home and expected everyone to swallow his shit
“I will do anything to save this marriage including getting Schmoopie out of my life”
Mine too. New Years Eve bathroom disappearance hell on earth.
I would have dreams about him cheating and wake up so upset and text him ‘you would never cheat on me would you’ always replied ‘No ????’ well he was doing it for 4 years with 7-8 (or more????♀️) different women. Tells me the day before Christmas that he’s in love with his co worker who knew he had a family with 2 young children – ‘I’m broken and a really good liar’ gee thanks for the honesty.
My fuckwit insisted he had to carry his phone in his dressing gown pocket to use the bathroom… In case he lost it.
And I felt guilty even questioning it…
Me asking for him to block social media contact with her was ‘over the top’ and too demanding of me.
Then, meeting up with her, didn’t mean he was cheating. I had to trust him, after all, there would be other people around.
‘trusting him’ , also involved supporting him to go away on’ his own ‘for a long weekend whilst I held the fort. I wasn’t allowed contact during his absence. What a chump.
Wow! This is exactly what happened to me. She’s just a friend, are you saying i can’t have friends. ” I’m so stressed out i need a trip away by myself “. Turns out the trip was already booked along with a hotel so his 38 year old self could meet up with the 17 year old Swedish girl he had met online whilst I looked after our 2 year old and took time off work to cover his absence. Sadly that wasn’t the only time it happened… Such a chump
I love you but I’m not in love with you. Ba ha ha ha ha.
There’s no love there or you wouldn’t have deceived me, slept with other people while you were sleeping with me and telling me you loved me, not told me about how ‘miserable’ your gilded life was, and not told me about how you had cheated on EVERY SINGLE BOYFRIEND YOU EVER HAD. Had to learn that from her family afterwards….
That she fell asleep, in her car, in winter, in Michigan, at 2:00AM.
When CL typed the same one about Vermont I had flashbacks.
Me too… while we were dating I was away at a Bachelorette Party… he called me every hour until 2:00am and then I couldn’t reach him… should’ve been a red flag that he was making sure where I was but then when the bars closed, he had “fallen asleep in his car because he got drunk because he was missing me so much”. #nothingoriginalherefolks
Just… wow. ????
Mine too, many times. Middle of winter. To be responsible and not drive drunk.
She lied and left-
Not only did she lie and left she left for a wannabe Ron Jeremy?
Who ACTUALLY says this shit?
Apparently the text was meant for his wife of ten years who was at home with their two young children while he was ‘on a night out’.
My biggest mistake was replying to the text, “Well that’s going to make for an interesting conversation with my wife”.
Much as it would have sickened me I should have continued the conversation to gain absolute definite proof.
I was just in total shock…..
This response is to She lied and left…
You just keep being a DECENT human being. Let us all just start with being a DECENT human being . Google that.
Let these remoras eat themselves Alive. And they will.
Bank on it.
You bank on that She lied lied and left.
Bank on it.
That he was going to a cabin in the mountains with his friend Bill. I never met Bill. And as soon as I found out about Skankella. Bill never called again.
The biggest lie was we were just friends I never slept with her. I would not do that to you.
“These condoms and viagra are for you and me.” We hadn’t seen each other in 3 months, he was working abroad and I went to visit him. He is a despicable inhuman.
My ex also bought condoms. He said he bought them so we could try something new. Really? We never used a condom for the 33 year marriage.
Mine put the big box under his 15 yo sons bathroom sink and told me he was going to have the talk. Talk never happened, but the condoms disappeared. He thought I was stupid. I just asked our son!
I got that one too, just friends, didn’t sleep together. It’s such a cliche of a lie for a narc.
That he was using viagra to masturbate
OMG I thought I was the only one! I opened his packages that he left lying around and found pills looked them up and found out they were boner pills. We hadn’t slept together in years. He came home and told me was using them for masturbation. My brain kind of exploded. I argued with him. Pleaded with him to tell me the truth. I told him I felt like one of the women that is made a fool of by their cheating husband. He swore on his life that he wasn’t cheating.
I went into shock. I spent the next day trying to convince myself that what he told me was true. Got a certified letter that very afternoon from her husband spelling it all out.
Just wow, sorry you all heard this bull too!
I am coming a week late to this party, but I had to respond. Oh, glory be, I am so glad that I’m not the only one who was fed this lie!!!
I heard that too. It was prescribed to him to get him off masturbating to porn. Later I found evidence that viagra prescriptions started arriving when he signed up for hookup sites.
I’ve got to one up this lol…that the condoms, viagra, and 8×10 picture of the skank were “prescribed” by the doctor to masturbate…so he could overcome the erectile dysfunction with me…..
Viagra to masturbate?! Great one. Don’t even need to know the context. All these gems would be hilarious if there weren’t so horrible.
That’s one expensive wank!
“I took the viagra so I could have a wank at the gym”
My sister passed away, for the daytime viewing hours
he said he couldn’t make it because he had planned a motorcycle run with friend that was important. I was so upset of losing my sister I didn’t complain.
Months later we ran into his “friend “ and I mentioned to him about him staying over night at his home. The friend didn’t know anything about it. Terrible hurtful memory.
There were so many others. Evil narc ????
A friend’s father died and it was his funeral. He said he had to go to another city on business and could not cancel. I called him that day and he said he was in Tulsa. I went to the funeral and afterward on a hunch went by his work… He was there. Then took me to “go talk” and left me at a restaurant to go talk to her. I actually stayed with him for another two years.
I too have unbelievably painful memories of outrageous behavior and comments throughout my mother’s funeral. The worst was pressuring me to try to get my father to pick a date for the funeral that was convenient for ex. Narc all the way.
Good Lord – that brought back a memory. My uncle died and he pressured me to tell my family to have the funeral on a Saturday so he wouldn’t miss a football game on Sunday. The church was only available on the Sunday of the game – he refused to go and made me lie to my family and say that he had the flu – and was furious at me when I balked initially because, really? My uncle died and he was worried about the Patriot/Cowboy game?!?
After my dad’s funeral my sister was making supper. The ex decided to go to the pub and got absolutely shit-faced. He was always aggressive anyway but the booze made it doubly worse. I ended up walking down to the pub to get the car so he wouldn’t drive. My BIL followed me and I remember one time my ex bad-mouthing my BIL because “he wouldn’t even help me when I fell over”. Years later my BIL told me that he didn’t fall over, BIL picked him up and threw him through a hedge! Damn, we sound like we should be on Jerry Springer don’t we!
That she ever loved me in the first place and didn’t just marry me for money.
And that’s why the first thing out of her mouth after “I want a divorce” was “How much will I get – I just want enough to buy my own little cottage somewhere?”.
And all the time claiming to have found new age spiritual meditation yoga bullshit and that, “I’ve put so much into this marriage and it’s now time for me to be selfish and look after myself”.
What you put so much into our marriage in the grand total of 20 months duration and you fell out of love with me because we had ONE argument SIX MONTHS after we got married? And you just kept telling me you loved me because, “You thought it would come back”.
No, you saw a kind, helpful, family oriented guy who had done ok through working hard and thought you’d give it a go and if it didn’t work out you’d walk away with your own house…..
Luckily for me the judge agreed with my view of things and that 99% of the money was made pre-marriage and she was awarded approximately 5% (enough to for a deposit on a house) so for any chumps out there thinking that in a short marriage you might still lose half then there might be light at the end of the tunnel.
As well as what you thought was the love of your life, what you thought was your family (our families were close), pride and mental health, you don’t necessarily lose half of everything you’ve worked your whole life for.
And FYI, she fooled EVERYONE. It wasn’t an obvious marriage for money – her family was shocked, my family were shocked – we were all very close.
Wow. A short term marriage would not have done anything for her in my small town in California.The judges even laughed at long term marriages and could do nothing with x (who made over 100K a year, was due a big promotion, walked out on three adolescents, their expenses, a mortgage, and dissipated assets on his way out). I did get 1\2 the retirement and the, stolen, savings he had buried into that as well. You are well rid of her at 20 months; everything I worked hard for just vanished. A lesson for sure.
PS Obviously no children involved – if the money were going to care for my offspring I would have not even set a limit. Just what it took…..
But no, I don’t want to give half of twenty years of my blood sweat and tears because I got to marry a lying cheating bitch for twenty months…..
So glad I kept it wrapped in hindsight…..
“I’ve put so much into this marriage and it’s now time for me to be selfish and look after myself”.
To me, this sentence says it all about your ex. Entitlement and blame shifting; two red flags of NPD. These telling, smaller moments can show the cheater’s true colors to you in a different way than the earth shattering enormity of their lying, cheating, and betrayal. Yes, of course the cheating and the lying are horrific and earth shattering! But sometimes these short jaw-dropping comments can shine a different kind of light on the complete emptiness of their character.
I’m glad you are out and can begin healing from the trauma she caused…
When we first started dating: “We don’t need to get STD testing, since I never cheated on my first wife.”
And I believed him. UGGGH. Four years later, I had HPV and now knew that he cheated on his first wife 100s of times — and is a sex addict.
OMG. He gave me an STD before we were married and blamed it on his first wife. I believed him until… years later.
I was hit with DDay #3, after X flew to Germany, not to celebrate our oldest son’s birthday (our oldest was living in Germany, far from crazy dad) like he originally said, but he spent the first week of his vacation alone in a town 2 hours from where my son lived.
Months later (and after a strange last minute cruise X took because his buddy’s mom was sick so I he gave X his ticket) I see an old GFs # pop up on his phone. He admitted going there to see her, but said it was an emotional affair, they didn’t sleep together, “but he would if she would let him.”
While that sent me reeling, I still didn’t file for divorce. It was only an EA, right? This is before I found CL. Anyway, while stuck in limbo, found out the cruise he went on with for his buddy was actually a f##k fest with the GF. Then he laughed at me for being so stupid that I fell for his “I didn’t have sex with her” previous lie.
So what was the worst lie I fell for?
# 1- He didn’t sleep with a woman he flew thousands of miles to visit?
#2 – The cruise he had to take for his buddy because he didn’t want to waste the ticket?
I was super duper chumpy.
I got laughed at for believing his lies too. That flummoxed me, because he wasn’t lying about anything important at that time. I had no clue about narcs until years later. It’s so therapeutic to hear others went through such betrayal too. Just had to de-lurk to mention.
Not invalidating anyone’s experience but back in the day I had multiple wanna-be suitors who flew thousands of miles to visit me and didn’t get to have sex with me.
It was never entirely clear how much they wanted me vs a cheap vacation, but if they did not have the decency to tell me using words about what they wanted they for sure could go home without it.
Super dumper trustung as an honest person! (Also fell for the EA lie)
Before I knew about schmoopie, “I’m going up north fishing, where there will be NO cell phone service,to THINK about the marriage.”
Are you a Michigander, Magneto?
Yup. ‘Gander, born and bred.
Me too!
Yeah!!! Michigan chumps unite!!!
I’m working overtime
Every single month said work was never paid
Me – you did 67 hours overtime last month and 74 hours the month before and I think it was 58 the month before that
Him – yeah we’ve got a new girl in payroll she’s an idiot no one is getting their overtime the place is in uproar it’s not just me that’s not getting paid
Doh !!!
OMG, this was me. I was convinced someone at the hospital should be fired. And he always said he was so busy and that is why he could not straighten it out. EVERY SINGLE MONTH of my marriage his pay did not match the overnights. EVERY SINGLE MONTH. And like an idiot I offered to call or email because he was so busy and he always stopped me. OMG, I felt so bad that he worked so hard for our family. I actually joked that he was away and overnight so often he could have a whole nother family and I would never know and he would laugh.
I feel terrible now because he is an ICU doc and all the cheering and hero worship now, and I just cannot. His new wife (AP 22 years younger–a nurse who stopped working as soon as she got knocked up while I was still married) keeps posting stuff like not all super heros wear capes. Meanwhile, he has no seen his kids in almost 2 years and he has not checked on them once during this crisis.He is a monster.
I’d like to slide up on her posts as someone she doesn’t know to block and comment about some capeless superheroes being covert cheaters, liars, adulterous, absentee fathers to first kids.
That is monstrous. Sending big hugs. Hope you guys are doing ok.
“We didn’t have sex.”
Which could be true judging by the lack of desire he usually had for sex throughout our marriage (starting with our wedding night), but I sense that it was a lie anyway.
“I’m just not that sexual.” “Sorry I’m not very demonstrative, but I love you.”
He got kibbles from rejecting me. Spent every at home moment in front of his computer in the spare room “surfing hunting / fishing blogs”. He was also surfing porn sites, online sex rooms, and hook up sites – and massaging his social media for image impression and any stray woman cake he could get.
I guess he was just too worn out over schmoozing the all the heavily made up and plastic filled women for him to feel any kind of sexual excitement for his wife. (All while telling me that he hated make up and “fake” woman and used to tease me when I dressed up and put on make up.)
Right before DDay I went into the room to try to communicate with him, put my arms around him and give him a kiss. He pushes me away and says, “What are you doing, trying to solicit affection from me??”
Made to feel like an intruder and a sexual harasser when approaching my husband was the exact moment I realized the marriage was over.
I bought countless terrible lies about where she was and what she was doing because they were plausible. I was her husband and a husband should trust what his wife says. But the one I look back at with amazement was the story that she told our MC while counseling about AP1, that she was struggling to choose me because she had a strong emotional bond and love for a married man who lived 2,000 miles away who she said she’d never met but only played video games with in the Internet. I argued implored her that she was confused, that she couldn’t really love someone she’d never met. She just needed to sort her feelings appropriately. It never occurred to me that they HAD met, and she was just lying. ????
This went one for a couple of weeks until it came to light that (of course) they’d met and fucked several times in various cities and he was AP2. Also later discovered other APs, but I remain amazed That I bought that line of BS even for a minute. Now I know every cheater’s story is built on lies. You should assume that as a starting point.
“I’m fixing her non-draining sink.” Told to me about a woman he picked up at the Lowe’s one day in the plumbing aisle.
“I’m fixing her leaky faucet”, said about Soooo many Saturdays leaving the house to go to “work”. Walking out of the house in nice clothes. Chump asks cheater, why are you dressed up? “I like to look good when I go for the appointment, then I change into work clothes to do the job, then change back into my nice clothes” Oh and, “ can I take your car so I can look good?” Of course my dear cheater, says the chump. (Side note I have a black on black Dodge Charger, that I’m assuming was used as Schmoopie bait on many occasion.)
An AP who outs a cheater could be referred to as a garbage disposal.
That made me laugh.
He was fixing his leaky faucet.
He said he was going to a gig and had only bought 1 ticket. When I found out he’d bought 2 and asked why he’d lied he said he had social anxiety, couldn’t handle being with other people and if he’d told me he had 2 tickets I’d have pressured him into taking a friend with him (didn’t even occur to him that he could have asked me…) Then he started crying.
Ah yes, the “I did it because you’re so awful” argument. I got this all the time. Always involves an imaginary future scenario where YOU are the asshole. In this case, an asshole who pressures him into social situations he has anxiety about.
My husband used this mental math trick to justify pretty much anything he did. Everything was future imaginary me’s fault. Future imaginary me was such a horrible bitch.
Forget innocent chump me, just standing there being lied to, and then persecuted in turn.
Head wreck isn’t it when you think about it. They have a mental age of about 4 years old. And a pretty immature 4 year old at best.
I didn’t have many cross words with my ex (hence why I had no clue) but obviously there was a charge sheet of infractions once the affair started. When he was angry about a couple of things what he would always do is get really angry and hurt but wouldn’t tell you what you had actually done to make him that way and would brood on it and wouldn’t back down or care who else got hurt or seek to discuss and diffuse. No this had to be the end of days. No discussion, no resolution, no compromise, no acceptance of sorry. Not that you would ever know what you were sorry for.
Good luck with that in a few years OW. Although all he talks about right now (including to his folks) is positivity (barf), while still being massively avoidant of things that are patently issues.
Lying shits, the lot of ’em.
Yeah, that’s a fuckwit for you. They like to accuse you of future infractions. Mine went so far as to warn his mistress that I might murder him and told her if he ever died mysteriously to tell the cops I did it.
He accused me of future murder. Lol
He knew he deserved it …
And they SO LOVE DRAMA!
(Especially the ones who say they hate drama.)
Those texts that night were sent by friends because 1 had dropped her phone in the loo and the other one had a flat battery.
My family gave me a surprise party and asked ex to give them a list of my friends. He told them to invite his howorker because she was one of my best friends. Family was chumped too. Meanwhile I knew he and howorker were a little too friendly and asked why they invited her. That’s when I found out he said she was one of my besties. Grrrrr ????
“I’m going over to ‘Eric’s’ house to play video games for a few hours.”
Turned out it was “Annette’s” house.
There was “play” going on, but with sex toys (I know because “Annette” told me: once she discovered he was married, she came over to my house when he was out of town and she told me everything).
At least he was honest about “a few hours.” ????
Sorry MataHari, didn’t mean to post my story as a reply to you.
Maybe there is a theme though: a “party” was going on but we weren’t “in on” the surprise part!
‘I am packing 2 sets of sleeping gear for this camping trip because nights get cold’ – he was taking AP on a camping holiday so they could try out a relation before telling their families and kids that they found true love and were choosing to go on together. I remember thinking ‘in a book this would be a sign that he is cheating on me’ but chumpily dismissed the gut feeling
For starters, because I have a bad habit of not erasing texts, the whoppers were inadvertently documented. Later on, when I felt crazy and was doing the early days timeline reconstruction, I had a log of lies, time and date stamped, in my phone.
“The anchor came up on the boat and I drifted into the Berkeley Marina.”
On one of his “solo” overnight sailing trips, to explain why he was over in the East Bay the following morning instead of Sausalito. Yeah, right.
He has been gone for two years and he still lies. He just found a woman who will buy his BS.
“In lying, one is identifying the other as one’s opponent, even one’s enemy. In marriage intimacy is developed through confessions, explanations, and soul searchings. But of course intimacy involves equality, and people who are telling lies are not seeking any aspect of intimacy, especially equality. Liars are hoping for advantage, which will be produced by disorienting and distracting the other person. The liar is stepping outside the relationship. The lie may be a greater betrayal of the relationship than the misdeed being lied about. It takes very little misinformation to disorient and destroy a relationship. I often point out to people that if I gave them detailed instructions on how to go from Atlanta to New York City, and threw in only one left turn that was a lie, they would end up in Oklahoma.”
-Dr. Frank Pittman
Private Lies
(p. 59)
A marriage to a liar has terminal cancer. There is nothing I could have done to save it.
It was doomed to failure.
Additionally, getting involved in an affair, with someone who is displaying up front that they are a liar, is the epitome of idiocy. And doomed to failure as well. At the very least, it’s impossible for a relationship comprised of deceitful individuals to be a success as a healthy intimate relationship, which is what I want.
I’d rather be alone otherwise.
I lOVe that, Velvet Hammer. I grew up with a sibling who was and probably still is a compulsive liar. I don’t mean to imply that she couldn’t help herself, or that she was mentally ill. But she began lying at an early age, and that led her to having to lie about her lying, and very quickly she seemed to become addicted to deceit. She obviously got a dopamine rush every time she lied, so her lies became bigger and (insert your favorite addiction cliche here) her life messier, and and very quickly it got to the point that it startled me when she inadvertently said something that happened to be true. It turned my FOO into a toxic waste dump. I’ve never said this out loud to anyone, but more than once I’ve found myself wishing she were addicted to opiates instead of deceit. I’m not ranking horrible situations here–I am just agreeing with Velvet Hammer and Dr. Pittman. Liars are malignant tumors that need to be cleanly and completely excised, or they’ll metastasize and destroy or disfigure even the healthiest people around them. Just thinking about these people, these liars–just reading about the experiences of CN, sometimes!–makes me feel like inciting a riot.
PS I meant to say: Thanks, VH! I’ve never heard of this Pittman guy so I’m going to check him out! Love that excerpt you shared.
“A marriage to a liar has terminal cancer. There is nothing I could have done to save it.
It was doomed to failure.”
That’s statement is a keeper, and one that every new chump should repeat over and over. Heck, I’m an old chump, and it still resonates with me. Thanks, Velvet.
That quote is my marriage. Thanks, VH.
I love that Frank Pittman quote also. Exactly right!
Some of the lies I bought: Well of course the obvious one, “she’s just my friend” “she’s just my fishing buddy!”
When he called me from Hull to explain why he couldn’t get home that night: “The van’s broken down, and I can’t get anyone to fix it until tomorrow, so Lisa’s ( rat faced whore aka ‘fishing buddy’) kindly offered me her sofa.”
When I discovered that corona-Lisa was staying with him in the flat he was supposedly doing up for ‘us’ (after he’d told me she wasn’t) : She’s helping me fix up the flat. She sleeps in the spare room. ”
When I discovered he’d bought the whore a sky jump for her birthday, and taken her on a shopping spree, telling her she could buy anything she wanted, but they had to be careful I didn’t see them (text I found on corona-Lisa’s phone which she ‘accidentally’ left in the flat)
“Lisa’s had nothing all her life! I’m just showing her how the other side lives! You’re just jealous because I have a woman friend!”
When I pointed out the whore called him “my chappie” in one of her texts, ” it’s just a turn of phrase, there is categorically nothing going on!”
He told corona-Lisa I’d read her phone texts and she thought it was very wrong of me to do so. But there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with fucking a married man and letting him buy gifts for you, right? ????
When I finally got to see the flat he was supposedly doing up for ‘us’ and it was obvious the skank whore hadn’t been sleeping in the spare room which was full of junk from floor to ceiling: ” she sleeps on the sofa. See, there’s the duvet!”
*Lot’s* more, but detailing them all would make this post horrendously long. ????
Just re-reading the one’s I’ve mentioned fills me with rage that I was so besottedly *trusting* , God I was such a fool, I can’t believe I was such an idiot!
The final lie I refused to buy, which sent me straight to a solicitor; texts on his phone to his one male friend, boasting about fucking corona-Lisa, and how many times, “It was just lad’s banter! Nothing happened! I’m not going to admit to something I didn’t do!”
Jesus. Still shaking my head over that one. ????
Chumpnomore6- Don’t beat yourself up for trusting him. We are supposed to trust our spouse or signicant other. And believing otherwise would mean our lives as we have known it would no longer exist. It takes time to come to grips with the fact the person we have known, trusted and loved has been so grossly deceitful.
You’re a beautiful person because you trust with your beautiful heart. He’s a tumor on satan’s ass. And that “rat faced whore” (love that ????) is getting exactly what she deserves. These assholes have shit for brains.
“he’s a tumour on Satan’s ass” ????????
Yep. Love it!
You said it best with, “It takes time to come to grips with the fact the person we have known, trusted and loved has been so grossly deceitful.”
Eek, Chumpnomore, a sordid tale. Glad you’re free of the liar (and that you had access to his texts).
Strangely enough, Tempest, his phone was password protected.
I was staying at the flat, and a voice in my head said, “look in his phone.”
I didn’t know his password, but the ‘voice’ repeated it it to me.
I’m a very rational and sceptical person normally, (apart from my then chumpiness) but I think somehow, someone, was looking out for me! ????????
Thanks for that Velvet.
“We only kissed once nothing else then I realized it was wrong to do, I came to my senses “
We worked together, we had been married for less than two years, our son was about 9 months old and we were moving to a new house with the equity from a house I had bought(he contributed nothing but could not stand living in a house that was not “his”) – with all of that in mind he dropped this on me:
“People at work are talking, they think that I am having an affair with Terri. Before, this ugly rumor gets to you I want you to know that it is not true. We are just friends and we are new to the department, you know the new kids on the block- so we turn to each other for support.” Terri, BTW shared a cubical wall with me and worked with me directly on a project. That was the first of many impossible lies that I believed – I am getting a physical reaction just thinking about this and it was over 20 years ago.
Other over the top lies:
Jim took the Polaroids of those young women when we were at the Indi 500 – he is always chasing strange – he asked me to hold them for him.
I have never so much as kissed another woman since we got married. (Always thought that was an odd thing to say)
Viagra gives me a headache…. He used tons of it with last ho-worker (on my health insurance – I could see everything he was doing on the statements).
I’m a very honest, generous, loving and giving guy. (never did see that side of him)
“All the other teachers hate me, they are such a clique!”
As a loyal husband I refused to give them the time of day.
So as it turned out, they hated you because you were doing the janitor in your classroom.
Eww Bruno. How awful for you!
The whole thing was a lie.
My 50 year old cheater told me that he was “mentoring” the 20 year old boy he was having an affair with. The boy supposedly had a 60 year old drug addict father and a horrible family life (both lies). He went so far as to say that the boy’s father was an old friend from his neighborhood and that’s how he began “mentoring” his son (also a lie). I bought it until I grew more suspicious of his behavior and found the thousands of pictures and videos of him and this boy together. I’m almost 2 years out from divorcing him but I still deal with triggers and trauma….it’s one thing to realize your husband is cheating on you but it’s entirely another to realize he’s gay. Talk about a total mindfuck!!
Yup. I was 24 when ExH #1 was arrested in the men’s room of a department store (in the middle of his work day, far away from where he was supposed to be) for getting a blow job. Hey, he just happened to be there taking a leak when the guy next to him offered, so he said “Why not?”. Total mindfuck is right.
eirene…I spent a lot of time talking to straight men after I found out because my ex wanted me to believe that all men have flings with other men and it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re gay (denial, denial, denial). 100% of those straight men told me they would never look to another man for sex. It took me years to realize that his cheating with men had nothing to do with me. He wanted something I couldn’t give him and he just used me and our kids as his cover. He’s still in denial, even though he has a new boyfriend. I had to stop unraveling the skein of fuckupedness because I was never gonna figure that one out.
that he was a loving great family man, but he just had needs that had nothing to do with his family
That he went out with this one co-worker on a “dare” with his buddies, also from work.
But, PLOT TWIST, it wasn’t to see if HE could conquer HER, it was because they wanted to convince him she was into him and he didn’t believe it.
Even in lies, he must come off as central, of course.
Technically, though, I didn’t fall for this one, I just asked to talk to his buddies for proof and he was like “absolutely not”. Bye, bitch! To be honest, I never believed anything I found suspicious, mostly it was about being frustrated that I couldn’t find proof either way.
Agreed. It’s hard for me to even wrap my mind around the shameless lies my stbx has told. He lies even when he doesn’t need to, over nothing. I think he enjoys it. 44 years worth…so sick.
Either:
1) That his retired boss considered him “so much like a son” that he took him to London for Easter Week, took him to all the best restaurants, bought him hundreds of dollars of brand new designer clothes, and oh, also bought him a brand new, top of the line iPad for the plane (because boss liked to sleep on planes and he felt bad he wouldn’t be talking to him for the duration of the flight)
or 2
2) Multiple trips to NYC to see “free shows” because Tom from Work had a friend who got free tickets to all the shows. And he slept on Tom’s couch. And he wouldn’t get my texts because cell phones work well in NYC.
“Don’t work well”
PhoenixFlame,
Yours is my favorite so far. Cell Phones Don’t Work Well In New York City. ChumpLady is right: it iS comforting to know that other people have believed bad lies told by good (really experienced!) liars. ChumpLady and ChumpNation are balm to soothe the defrauded soul. This place is where and why I began to get my gratitude back.
omg was he working as a gigolo?!
Him: I’m meeting some fellow employees for drinks after work. Gets quick shower and applies colognes. Never uses cologne for me. No you can’t go along, it’s just fellow employees (Rushing out door).
I GET STD from howorker. How is this possible I think in a monogamous marriage? Him: we are careful with sex. It must be a mistake. Oh, yes the doctor I’ve seen since my birth is lying. Here’s the medicine to cure the STD.
I get letter at work from howorker’s husband letting me know of the relationship. Him: oh that’s just a bunch of lies.
Shortly after he’s fired from job for vague reasons. He’s not overly concerned!! WTF!!!
“I’m going to a special private party a few times a year and partners are not allowed so you can’t attend” … I even knew people who took their partners along but didn’t click coz I was so trusting… also the endless “I didn’t come home coz I fell asleep at work”….
I’m embarrassed at how many years I was so stupid :/
I want to comment here that it isn’t stupid to believe your partner. You’re supposed to believe your partner. No-one expects to have to audit their own relationship with “trust, but verify.” People who believe their partners, and trust their partners and give their partners the benefit of the doubt are doing what they are *supposed* to do in a loving relationship. Don’t let anyone make you feel like shit for being trusting.
I still get the “how could I have been so stupid” thoughts, but Susannah is spot on (thanks for the reminder!)
With a pathological liar the lies fall of their lips with ease. And they get bigger and are so multilayered you’d think NO one, especially a spouse, the father of your children would have that capability. Meet Earl, an unassumingly evil man who fools most with his disordered need to have power and control over those he cons into believing. You’d like him, he hides behind a smile and victimhood. I didn’t know such evil exists.
Back when internet was through home phones we received a 3,ooo phone bill related to porn use. He blamed it on his young son who was mortified. Asshole swore he never used porn.
Years later after Dday he explained the computer in the basement was frozen on a site requesting money for accessing child porn. He swore it was a mistake he must have clicked on. What should he do? He asked this question in front of his son who was now an adult.
When I told my therapist he said of course he was looking at child porn.
When I caught cheater hiding money. He made up a bullshit reason that he was sending money to his family. I asked him if he wanted the marriage to last. He said of course. In hindsight what he meant was, I’m going to continue hiding money and make a plan to dump my family.
Another was overtime. I had to take my son to tutoring because he worked so many hours. In hindsight, this gave him more time to wine and dine his slut to replace me. Once my kids told me he was cheating, I put a GPS on his fancy car. I knew when he was at motel 6, taking her to eat, meeting her before work, etc. His manscaping, hiding from me when he was naked so I wouldn’t see, drowning in cologne, new undies, deodorant/toiletries in his car, you name it. APOS cheater with a double life…
That when a close family member died, he couldn’t go keep his elderly, grief-stricken parents company, as it was so stressful to be with them, so I had to go instead, alone. He had been sick for a long time as well so I acquiesced.
Yes, it was stressful as they both had a lot of issues, but he was happily texting (no proof of PA) Schmoopie all night long because anything other than talking to her was too stressful for my poor little ex. He’s still lying to this day (7 months separated, 4 divorced) about how sick he actually is. For me that lie has been even worse than lying about Schmoopie, which in itself is of course bad enough.
1. Early in our marriage, after we’d moved 900 miles from our home state, and after I had traveled back to our home state alone to visit my family several times, my now-ex wanted to take a solo vacation. I said yes, thinking this was fair. He went to Provincetown, MA, which, being new to the east coast, I didn’t know is the summer vacation spot for gay people. While he was gone, one of my friends told me this, and I assured her that he, like me, coming from another part of the country, had no idea of this, and had just wanted to go to the ocean. When he got home, I asked him about it, and he assured me he didn’t have any idea P-town was a gay mecca, and was “so surprised” when the proprietors of the B and B where he stayed were a gay couple. Tactic: Denial.
2. Decades later, right after he’d told me the truth, which occasioned shock, disbelief, and a brief but intense period of pick me dancing to “save my marriage” and the retirement life I’d planned and worked for, and my now-ex was working hard to preserve his closet, he said to me, “I want to live the rest of my life with you!” Tactic: trauma bonding.
3. He knew my plans for retirement had included a small summer place, and on a visit to one locale, one morning when we were having coffee, he said, again in the interest of preserving his secret life, “This feels like a rehearsal for retirement.” Tactic: future-faking.
One and two worked, but by three I knew what I was dealing with.
“I have to work late tonight”
Mine had Wednesday night “management meetings” coinciding with my Zumba class. And then he actually says, “it’s so good that you go to Zumba”!
The missing Viagra…well, he SOLD them to the guys at the gas station.
Lying to him was like breathing to the rest of us.
On the bright side, I am just getting so much satisfaction about the thought of he being on quarantine with the whore. I know too well how he cannot be confined.
Happy Easter everyone!
“Lying to him was like breathing to the rest of us.”
This makes me shudder with disgust. If my ex’s mouth is open and words are coming out, he is lying. Lying is his normal form of communication. He lies about the most mundane things. He lies when there is no logical reason for him not to tell the truth. I think he just gets off on knowing something someone else doesn’t. It’s a power trip.
Supposedly he confessed to schoompie about all the cheating he had done on me over the 25 years of our relationship. The stupid cow still wanted him! I’m sure he told her only enough about his bad behavior to convince her he’d shared all his secrets. I have no idea the real depth of his deceptions, and I don’t want to know.
“Ben is trying to get me to pay him $2k for a prostitute he hired for Jim’s bachelor party. But Ben is the only one who touched her! Can you believe the nerve of Ben?”
He was passed out drunk at a party and someone must have given him a BJ without his consent so that’s how he gave me genital warts. Ugh! I was 19.
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and I respect our relationship too much to ever jeopardize it or our family. I want to know if you’d be willing to consider an open marriage. With the respect and trust we have for each other, if there’s any couple could make something like this work, I think we can.”
Followed very closely by:
“I’ve been going to individual counseling for more than a year. I’ve put in the work. Now it’s YOUR turn.”
This was what I had to deal with also. He had already started an affair with a married friend of mine. I was his queen but he just had to follow his curious heart, he deserved his cake and to eat it too. I asked once how it would make him feel if I got a side piece too..guess what, that wasn’t part of his “vision” lol..
How can a lier and a cheat be trusted to turn a once monogamous partnership into a social experiment full of hurt and pain? What a crappy excuse for an affair that already started. He now regrets “holding a gun to my head for his selfishness” and I believe he is sorry, but way too much was done.
My company asked me to test gmail and Skype as applications for work. I have to Go downstairs to update the network at night when everyone is off the network (time for searching for porn). I was only looking at porn for ways to please you. I wanted to see how it would look (apeman’s bald manscaping of his junk). I cringe looking back at all the sinkers I shrugged and accepted.
“We have to meet in person to break off our affair”…this happened half a dozen times over about 8 months. I was so broken I didn’t even feel as if I was in my body. I would just lay in bed and shake while my 7 year old daughter comforted me. Now I could care less if he wanted to see his mistress again..but now he claims to hate her because she’s so manipulative. Too bad, too late, I finally started to feel strong enough to hold my ground!
I am genuinely happy for you Chumpqueen. It seems to take forever to get to a strong place, but you did it! Keep it going!! ????
Oh, so many….
You are the love of my life. (He was fucking 8 other women.)
I only dated one woman in town. (He was fucking every divorcee, realtor, had multiple women in every city he visited for work- and he still is… And he was fucking married women, including women married to women.)
I don’t have any kids. (Sociopath is paying for illegitmate son (s).
I never lied to you.
I don’t have any venereal diseases.
Good riddance asswipe sociopath!
Biggest whoppers? So many to choose from.
1-“I don’t know, I may have used the missing condom to masturbate to see how it felt.”
2-“why did I come home from the graduate student party at 5 a.m.? We were talking philosophy.”
3-I asked him after DDay if gradwhore had an unusual name. Hannibal: “no.” Found out later her name was Ginger.
Oh these are sooo good. I have a plethora I could pick from but this one mind fucked me the most. A Christian councelor CONVINCED me I was an abused husband….he even used it during mediation.
I got that one, too. Many times over about how I abused him. His counselor said that he was being abused. She surmised this because of the things he said about himself during the session, not because of the things he said about me. I get this logic, but WTF?
For so long I bought the lie that I was the abuser. So glad I read the article “The myth of mutual abuse”. It helped me stay strong.
At our first meeting his lawyer said that he is accusing me of domestic violence (right after I said it.)
My lawyer’s chin hit the floor. Wasband is 6’8” tall, pushing 400 lbs.
Likely story, dude.
X narchole didn’t “need”, or “ask” for the blue pill, his doctor just prescribed it…for no reason…out of the blue…just in case.
“I SWEAR ON OUR KIDS LIFE THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO YOU”. Later that day our home security camera caught him bragging about that conversation to a friend! I was gone the next day!