The Blog Odometer Rolled Over 10 Million
On Sunday (and I wasn’t even paying attention! I missed it!) the blog odometer flipped over 10 million page views.
Damn. There are a lot of chumps.
Traffic has been growing steadily since I started this thing back in 2012, but now we’re up around 400K views per month, so the millionth flip thing is becoming a lot more common. But I gotta say 10 million gives me pause. Mostly at my own pig-headedness for continuing to write.
So, in honor of this Chump Nation landmark occasion, tell me — how did you wash up on our shores? What did you Google to find this place? And is it working? Did you leave a cheater and gain a life?
Happy Crazy Odometer Day, chumps!
Well first let me say Congratulations! You deserve it Tracy and you do such a wonderful job of helping, please don’t ever stop. I truly love your no nonsense approach and truthfulness. It’s refreshing.
I found myself here during my darkest days of pick me – Hope kills in these instances, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I was part of an online site called Daily Strength – a great bunch of people going through the same thing offering support and comfort. Someone there mentioned your site and I checked it out and immediately felt and affinity. I don’t post very much because I’ve pretty much given up all my good stuff to Daily Strength at 3 a.m. – Now I sleep till 5:00 and although it’s been 5 years for me, I still visit here each day to listen to others stories and reinforce my own strength.
Divorce is hard, betrayal is even harder and when your ego takes a hit like that it takes time. To you I give my ultimate thanks and gratitude. One day I hope I won’t need to come back here anymore but I’m not there yet. Part of me finds it sadly amazing that there are so many of us. Makes me lose a bit of faith in the world, and fear for my children’s future. But if I twist it to a positive, which I try to do all the time – I guess I could look at it as if there are at least 10 million good guys.
I personally am not really sure I can ever trust anyone again. Well, that’s not quite right either…Part of me will always trust, but another part of me says – why the hell do you even want to try? Being alone is peaceful and I’ve got the best friend I could ever have nice and close… ME! (and of course, you CN 😉
Tracy you have done 10 million + Goods in the world and you should be very proud of yourself. You are one strong, smart gal! Thanks for everything.
Same here. Came here through a post on daily strength. Your site just clicked with me the minute I read it. I had filed for divorce but was still very much hoping to reconcile. CL and CN helped me realize that I deserved better and I could make it through this. It’s been a little over a year now and things are slowly getting better. I still come here every day and try to contribute what I can as time allows. I plan to stay around and try to pay it forward. I credit this site with saving my life. Words cannot express the gratitude I have for you Tracy and the rest of CN.
Found my way from Daily Strength, too. That was a good first step, but it wasn’t quite what I needed. I found CL and CN, and that’s when I began to heal.
Me too. Unfortunately their infidelity board was so chock full of reconcilers when I found them and I took a lot of advice from those people that I probably shouldn’t have taken. No chump lady back then though. (2010). Ironically one of the most vocal posters against reconciling, and one who frequently got run off the board, posted a link to CL in 2013. I followed the link and eventually got the nerve to leave a cheater and gain a life! The rest shall we say is history!
There was no Chump Lady in 1996 either, but I somehow got a good therapist and crawled out of that situation. I came back looking because my SIL was in the same boat years later and I never had put a name on the monster I married. Love, Love, Love that I heard so much validation here. She is divorced at last and I know I escaped to live again, in a time that no one would think that was a good choice. Love the CN!
My d day happened in March 2012. I found you that June. I don’t remember how. I was mostly likely plugging something exH said into google for translation in hopes of finding some hope to keep fighting for our marriage. I found hop alright but not in the way I expected to. I found hope that I would live, that the pain would dissipate, and that I would be okay regardless of his actions. 4 years later I can say all those things are true. I read your sight now to support other chumps and to ensure my picker remains fixed. I use phrases like ego kibbles on a damn near daily basis either as a joke or when someone is trying to play the victim. Words of thanks will never be enough to show you my appreciation Tracy!
Found a link to your site on another MLC forum. You kept hitting the mark in everything you were writing and personality-wise, you and I are very alike lol There’s a lot of good common sense in what you write, it helps immensely in dealing with the cluster that our lives become in this mess. I had already left, but you helped in moving forward and healing. For that, I can never thank you enough. 🙂
Tracy,
This site is a life-saver. You have saved lives. Why do I say this? Because you saved mine. I googled “do serial cheaters change” and brought me to your site. (Note to newbies: they don’t.)
I found your site in April 2013 and I had already started the divorce process then after the third OW. Yeah, I was one of those unicorn-chasers. Finding your site opened my eyes, and helped me realized that filing for divorce was the only way to gain back my life.
Cheater ex attempted reconciliation months after the divorce and still living with the OW. I can honestly say that since I was already schooled the Chump Lady way, I effortlessly refused reconciliation. There was no hesitation, no second guessing. Reconciliation was not even an option.
Yes, I have gained a life. And what a wonderful life it is. I’ve chosen not to partner with a significant other right now but have chosen instead to partner with someone more significant: myself. I was in a mock marriage for over a quarter of a century (stating it this way makes it sound so long because being married to an asshole really made it a painfully long marriage) that I lost myself. I am now enjoying finding myself and enjoying life on my own terms. I have been at meh for quite sometime now and my only regret is why you, Tracy, were not born sooner. 🙂
Truth is truth and that’s why your site endures.
Thank you for everything you do.
UniquelyMe, I like what you said about a “mock marriage.” I feel that way about mine now, too. It was “real” to me though at the time, but I now realize it was all a big sham. It wasn’t a sham on my part, but it was on his part, so that makes it a mock marriage. I’m so happy you are at meh!! Congrats!
Oh how I wish I had found you sooner while I was going through the divorce. I would have had more gumption….Thank god for my lawyer. I finally stumbled upon it by a recommendation in First Wives Community. Since then I go there frequently and recommend your blog. Lots of chumps like me on the site!
Awesome! Congratulations!
Basically I was forced to leave the marriage. I did the Pick Me Dance for a couple of months and wasted a lot of time reading on wreckonciliation sites. I heard about your site from someone on PsycopathFree dot com (which was the first eye opening site for me). I finally saw what she was and knew what I had to do. You, through this amazing blog, saved my life. In the first two months I lost 50 lbs and couldn’t sleep more than 3 hours a night. After selling our house she moved to be with her AP and I haven’t heard a peep from her. She went no contact so that part was easy. It’s trying to recover from 30 years of the Mindfuck that’s been the real hard part for me.
Thank you for all the good you do with your words.
My divorce was final back in 2000. I do not recall how I stumbled across your blog, but as I read for the first time I thought, “oh, I wish I had read this back in the 90’s.” Back before I wasted so much time and energy and money (marriage counseling) trying to save a doomed relationship. Post divorce I got involved with another lying jackass. Thank God I didn’t marry that fool.
I don’t post very often, but I read a few times a week always thinking, “NEVER AGAIN.”
Love reading the comments, and I silently cheer for so many people in the Chump Nation.
Tracy, your writing is refreshing. You’ve taken your personal pain and turned it around with strength, dignity, and hilarious writing. I applaud you and wish for you all the best.
Tracy, without you I would have no doubt pick me danced again and again.
Yes it worked for me after 36 years of being married to a serial cheating narcissist. My therapist suggested going on a blog and I found yours.
What helped me initially was following through with no contact and finding my anger. You and the amazing nation were there every step of the way for guidance and gave me the strength I lacked through a lifetime of disrespect and abuse.
After detatching and detoxing from my abuser, I trust myself and gained a life.
And it was a well earned struggle for a better life.
Thank you Tracy and congratulations!
I found you when I looked up why men cheat. It was fall of 2012. But I didn’t listen to what you wrote….I was way past crazy train. I was obsessed with finding out why why why and who who who. I rode that crazy train to jail and back. Literally.
It was hard reading the truth. This person who took 20 years of my life didn’t love me, used me, emotionally abused me. I was in the river, deep, floating upstream….the river of Denial.
There were times I would read others stories and see myself and I had to log off…..I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It made me physically sick.
Now, I am not at Meh but I am off the crazy train, I am still not divorced…4 years later….he still wants my tea pot collection…..but I am good….real good. It’s him, not me….but I own my reasons for staying. I am doing the work on me on why I allowed the abuse. Never again. And now….just this week 5 women have come to me for help.
Thank you for being you and using your heartbreak to help others.
Much success is deserved. Chump Lady and Chump Nation saved my life.
I found chump lady while i was on vacation in Holland. My sister saw that I really needed to get away from it all. That was march of last year. I stumbled upon chump lady tru a link posted on the blog ” Lessons from the end of a marraige “. The post was about when cheaters suddenly leave. It was funny too.That day it all clicked and made sense. I refused to believe that I was partly to blame for his cheating. And CL confirmed that for me. I’ve now been divorced for a year, and without THE cheater for 2 years. I love every minute of it. I never missed him one day, I think that says alot. This weight have been lifted of my shoulders, i feel at peace with myself, I got to know and love my self again.
I used to struggle with my weight when we were together, but guess what, it is staying of without Any excersize. Amazing How that works. And next month I’m going to Holland again and I’m so looking forward to it. A promise I made to myself is that I will take a vacation abroad every year. Something we never did in THE 23 years we were together. He’s not paying any child support, but Tthe kidz and I manage. Life is wonderful again. So thank you CL, for this wonderful blog. It truly has been and still is a great help to me.
I followed the link from the same post on Lessons from the End of a Marriage.
Thank you Chumplady & fellow Chumps for waking me up & educating me. You were wonderful to watch last night, my 1st online video experience ever. I thought my cheater was special, so needy of me, no self esteem, that he would “never do to someone else what his 1st wife did to him.” There are terms for this I learned, for example, sad sausage, etc.
I found out about this blog from The Buffalo News newspaper a few months ago, 4 years after my cheater left me & his son for one of his affair partners.
My life has evolved into a slow, but real growing experience. I am still alone (his son took off last August for his father’s place with his main affair partner) & haven’t dated. I am good with myself. I see my cheater every day at work, but it had gotten easier to ignore him. He is repulsive, & I am in a way, grateful for his skank for taking out my trash.
I want to be all better right away, but this “new normal” takes time to integrate. With a broken picker, I am in no rush to get involved again. I almost died from weight loss when he left. If it is meant to be, it’ll be.
@paigeup that he would “never do to someone else what his 1st wife did to him.”
This hit me so hard. My STBX told me he would NEVER EVER cheat on me because his first wife did it to him, and he said it hurt so bad, he wouldn’t want that pain on anyone. Yeah, that was a lie. I’m half tempted to reach out to his first wife and ask for her side of the story, to be honest… Then again, I might just leave the past in the past and move on with my kids and myself.
Oh, count me in on that one too! STBXH was so devastated by his first wife cheating on him that he could NEVER do that to someone else. Just another lie, I guess…
Paigeup, Aowlee and Springy, so you got that line too? I thought I was the only one!
My husband’s first wife left him, after ten years of marriage, for a man she met in their village pub. (Ten years after that she left her AP-turned-husband for yet ANOTHER man she’d met in THEIR village pub. #Thedangersofshandy. But that’s by the by).
My husband has always been vocal about the pain her infidelity caused him, and about the fact that he would leave a relationship rather than ever cheat. But that didn’t stop him from signing up to Ashley Madison, Illicit Encounters and Adult Friend Finder.
Hugs to you.
“I thought my cheater was special, so needy of me, no self esteem, that he would ‘never do to someone else what his 1st wife did to him.’ ” God, did we end up with the same POS? I got the same BS line, only to find out he’d been cheating on me for over half of our relationship.
I found Chump Lady through a Buzz Feed article and have not looked back since. Everything post resonates with me and reminds me how crazy my sad sausage is, but also how similar to every other cheater. Chump Lady and Chump Nation have gotten me through this devastating betrayal, and I thank everyone of you. (((HUGS)))
“He is repulsive…………” AMEN to that! I’m from the Buffalo area, too, Paigeup. 🙂
Also from the Buffalo area! 🙂
Awesome!
You’re the go-to site for Divorce – Reddit advice on affairs. I found you via (multiple) references on that thread. No mean feat.
Same here. Not sure which subreddit or thread exactly, but probably r/divorce or r/relationships
I was googling blogs about infidelity- found the Happy Hausfrau first, and she had a link to Chump Lady.I check in everyday, and on Sundays I re read the old posts- just to keep me on the path. I still have to see my ex just about everyday- we own a business together that requires both sets of skills- if I go, it’ll fold, and I’ve spent a lot of my life and heart on it. So I choose to stay working there, and dealing with the fuckwit, and Chump Lady keeps me sane enough to do it
A fellow chump on the internet in one of those northern M states told me about it. and now I repay the favor by sending every chump I encounter here
I found this site through Divorce Minister. (Whom I found on a RIC site.). Thanks to you both!
Same here. I was in a couple month period of trying to decide what to do, just trying to get through the holidays. Every night I would scour the Internet hoping for some nugget of truth that would help.
After what amounts to 4 D-days in a 6 month period I wanted to be done. My gut was telling me to get the heck out, but I needed something more. When o stumbled upon Divorce Minister it was like a spiritual balm for me. And then he directed here and it gave me the words and actions that I needed. It was like the final puzzle pieces I needed to see my situation clearly.
And in a few weeks my divorce will be final. Still waiting for Tuesday but I know it will come.
Same^^^ in 2015! I wish it could have been in 2012 when my world blew up! I was traumatized, felt alone and near crazy. Nobody understood what I was going through … and neither did I! Thanks to CL, and DM I know that I am not alone or crazy! Thank you!
A year into wreckonciliation, I discovered he had kept seeing his most recent sidechick the entire time. So I drove to the bookstore crying my eyes out after I had just packed up his things and kicked him out. I felt so taken advantage of, so hopeless, like my life was over.
Your new book caught my eye and in an act of boldness I bought it. I promise you wrote every page about EXACTLY what I was going through. It was like you had witnessed parts of my life! How do you know my cheater so well? Imagine my surprise that there is a whole online community.
I have felt so isolated because of shame. Well, I am no longer alone!!! I am so happy to find other trusting souls who, like me, have been taken advantage of and been betrayed but have persevered. I especially appreciate your humorous insight. It’s been a long time since I’ve really laughed.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
First I’ll say a big THANK YOU and CONGRATUATIONS to you, Chump Lady (Tracy)!!!! I ditto all the good things the people above have said about you and your blog. 🙂
I found you on Facebook. I “liked” a different page and your page showed up on that page. I don’t believe in accidents, but I checked out your page to see what it was about and lo and behold(!!!!) I found EXACTLY what I needed. Thank you, God!
I wish you were around over 20 years ago, during the first devaluation of me (wasn’t even married yet.) I wish you were around when I found the “love letters” from someone he visited in England (wasn’t married yet) and he denied anything was going on with her. I don’t believe him anymore. A woman doesn’t write to a man, “If you come visit me in England (he did!), I’ll spend the whole night with you and have sex with you.” I was a stupid chump for believing him when he told me there was “nothing” going on between them. I don’t think they ever had sex as she got a quickie marriage to someone else while he was there. BUT I now believe he was sending her love letters when he was involved with me. Narcs do that kind of stuff. I wish you were around when I was pregnant with our second child and he devalued me for the second time and was involved with someone from work (which he still denied to this day.) I should have left him then, but I kept trying and kept doing the Pick Me Dance, the next 14 years.
Cheaters and liars NEVER change!
Thank you Chump Lady and Chump Nation! I read you almost every day. You have all been so a big help to me!
It has been 1.2 years since the divorce was finalized and since I have been No Contact after 36 years of emotional, physical, mental, and financial infidelity! My ex was a worm a spineless specimen of a man! I have never been happier however it meant losing contact with my 2 adult sons! Even that I have come to terms with! Divorce is hard and it is why I tell young people don’t bothering getting married! Once your legally married this assholes see it as an opportunity to abuse and use their own families! I also stumbled on Chump Lady and was flabbergasted at the similarities of these assholes! I too would have left years earlier if I had access to such a well written informative site! Chump Lady kept me strong when the monkey kept turning our divorce into a circus and ran up the costs of the divorce! The losses were high but getting rid of that lying POS was worth every penny. I live alone and that is the Happy Ending of that story!
I found you on SI– there was a thread where your perspective on cheating came up, so I came over pretty much right as you launched because it sounded like I was on the same page as you.
I hope you do get a TED talk or get asked to speak on talk shows. People really need to hear your perspective. Why anyone would think that staying with a cheater in this day and age is necessary and/or the right thing to do, I have no idea. I have pretty old-fashioned parents who grew up in the 50s, and even they have always said that there’s no excuse for cheating and would never have approved of my staying!
Movingon you are so right! Why does anyone think staying with a cheater is a good idea? Life is really too short and I am so thankful for CL and CN!
How can I ever thank you enough. I am five months divorced. It was ugly, mostly because I did not roll over and die and I did not do the pick me dance. This was his second affair and I was done. The first 20 years ago. I knew I did not want to reconcile with this man. I knew coparenting would not be a healthy option for me or my older kids. I was looking for guidance in the early dark days because so many sites told me to fight for the marriage or to be friendly for the sake of the children. I knew this was wrong. When dealing with a narcissist there is no option other than as much no contact as possible. Your words and insight helped me through the crazy. At one point my ex asked who I was and who was counseling me. He no longer recognized me because I stopped being a chump. No more cake. I am not at meh. I loved this worthless man. But, knowledge is power and I am now free. I am trying to find myself and am enjoying my freedom from this man. I have learned so much and continue to be inspired. Please don’t stop. It helps to know that I am not the only one that understands this sort of crazy. I just wish there weren’t so many of us. Until you live it, you have no idea. You are helping me become a better person for my future self. No longer blindly trusting and not listening to the nagging doubts I always had in the back of my mind. You helped me to know its going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. You give me hope. Thank you!
Chumpfree,
You just said everything I am feeling and said it better than I ever could. Thank You!
My life was a chronic suckfest but went into suck-overdrive in 2005 when he turned 40 so I assumed he was in midlife crisis, so I found a board to support me. That board gave me breath at times and saved my sanity.
I dont completely dismiss the idea that there are some humans that go into crisis at midlife but I have come to see that most of them are likely similar to my H in that they probs sucked and cheated all along but got to midlife and the coping skills that covered them before quit working, so it SEEMS like a sudden crisis when it wasnt.
One day they mentioned you and I came to visit but I was a unicorn, you see…we were reconciled for almost 7 years and I was so good at spackling I ignored the red flags we had flying all over the house. I think I posted a really stupid unicorn comment which Im still embarrassed over .
So he drops dead and I start finding shit in my house… cdrom of photos of OW (who he supposedly broke up with before we even moved here). Then there was a gift/souvenir from a place he claimed they never went to together…then the trip manifest and hotel reciepts from a trip they took that he had “come clean” about except the story was full of lies (the biggest of which was claiming they never had sex – a tale he held fast to until his dying breath.)
I was pushed over a cliff by a person I had urged deadH to get counsel from…I assumed H1.0 never spoke to him then just before my remarriage, I had occasion to speak to this man and I asked him if deadH struggled with telling me the truth and the words which came from him sent me reeling “the first affairs were just about sex but he fell in love with that last one and couldnt let her go” . I had no idea there were any “first affairs” and my whole life now needed to be reprocessed.
Like the “mock marriage” referred to above, I now joke that I got married because I wanted to try it once. My new husband is a gem, but his tolerance to process this with me over and over is less than my need to do so. I owe you all a huge debt of thanks for putting up with my shit here.
My X’s meltdown at 36 also looked like a “crisis,” but in reality the lies and cheating had been there from the start. Losing his coping skills went hand-in-hand with losing his hair! Such a narc! I think you’re right about telling ourselves that they must be in some kind of crisis in order to cope when they lose their shit. But it’s all a sham.
“Losing coping skills”- you are so right! Mine didn’t lose his hair…. He just had erectile dysfunction. Ha! Served the cheating, lying ex right!
Congratulations! Not sure how I found you, I’m guessing it was through a WordPress tag search on divorce. However it was, it is always refreshing reading incite and looking back at the pass and laughing my ass off!
I was a mess when I found your blog (August last year): 1 month post divorce, and 6 months post DDay. I had suicidal thoughts and could barely function. Was surrounded by Switzerland friends and was buying into their bullshit (mid life crisis excuses mainly) and I was on meds for my depression.
Somehow, in my desperate search for answers (yes, why, why, why was the obsessive question) I stumbled across Infidelity Help Group website. Chump Lady is on their blogroll. And THEN, it was like skies parted and the light came shining through.
Because there was my answer, pages upon pages of it. The answer that made sense, the only answer: it was him all the time, nope I didn’t bring this shit storm upon myself and my kids, yes he is an idiot, infidelity is abuse, yep my whole relationship with him was marked by emotional abuse, yep what I need to do is focus on myself, heal, forget about the piece of shit and move on to a better life.
It’s been less than a year since my divorce and I am no contact with my asshole cheater ex and managed to get my shit together somehow: got a brand new job, lost all Switzerland friends one after the other, got off meds but still going to therapy, got a good lawyer who has my interests at stake, got to work on myself and my picker and life is just much better. In short I am much better. I cannot thank Chump Lady and Chump Nation enough for this.
There is still a long road ahead me to meh, but I am on the right road and that’s a very comforting thought.
Cheers and thanks again to all of you lovely people and Chump Lady!!! You are all great and an inspiration.
{{{{HUGS!!!}}}} to you, Unchumping!
You have made great strides…..I love how you described landing here: “….it was like skies parted and the light came shining through.” THIS! You put into words what I feel about finding my way here.
Glad you are off meds, as the real problem is that we were overdosing on poop-sandwiches, gas-lights & cheaterspeak! Eliminating those toxic substances from our life & from our souls sure does a body good!
Gotta agree that coming to understand that the way they treat us & their disgusting conduct is abuse of the worst sort. Learned so much here at the ‘Nation…..’
So glad you are one of my ‘fellow citizens’!
Forge on, Unchumping……ForgeOn!
ForgeOn, many ((((hugs)))) right back at ya!
The only way is forward for us all, away from abuse, away from the pain and tears inflicted upon us by our cheaters, away from toxic relationships, tons and tons of shit sandwiches and dysfunction. One step in front of the other with patience, resilience and self love (an alien concept for many of us chumps).
I count my blessings every day now, and having such a wonderful support group like Chump Nation is part of those blessings.
Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn, as they say. Chump Lady is a one kick ass chick. Each and every member of this community is a kick ass person and a decent human being that deserves the best in life.
I found CL via IHG,also. I initially thought she was a little harsh, but after a few weeks of fake reconciliation and NO REMORSE from the cheater, I started coming back more and more. After finding out a few months later he was still seeing the skank, I followed CL’s tips on get a divorce (keep quiet about your feelings and plans, get ducks in a row, etc), sprang divorce papers on him, and the 18-month battle began.
Now, 6 months post-divorce, I’m still healing. Love CL and CN.
APPLAUSE, expat!!!! You rock!
Congratulations. I really enjoyed seeing the question and answer online last night. You’re a great speaker as well as a great writer. I hope that this blog continues to bring you good things.
How did I find Chumplady? I think it was by way of Tina Swithin and One Mom’s Battle. I used the advice there to get through the divorce, but it can became really overwhelming to hear the stories there while trying to heal. So someone recommended Happy Hausfrau, and she recommended your blog, and that was that. Great resources all, but the posts and forums here are where I met some great people who helped me through the toughest times of trying to make sense of my new life.
I really think there must be an epidemic. I met two new chumps last week alone. People have lost their shit. I guess its possible people just put stuff out in the open more now, but it doesn’t seem possible that so many people could have been acting so shitty for so long and everyone just looked happy and stayed married. I know there have always been monsters and shitty people, just seems to be happening more frequently now. No time to research that!
DoneNow- not sure if it’s more people are talking about, or more people are opening up to you about it because you are more open to listening, or it’s a red-car thing. When you buy one you see them all over the road. But, I prefer think of the former two.
Most of the marriages I actually see up close well, they don’t seem all that happy, especially long-term marriages.
Now, I wonder why that is. Let’s hope what you’re seeing is more people leaving the shit behind and getting out of their dysfunctional marriages.
If so, Mightywoman Chump Lady and C/N is here to give them at that push they need!
Congratulations CL! – I have a feeling you’re about to hit stardom – first from a TED talk, and next to the talk shows.
Marriage shows are very popular on Serius XM and somebody has got to get out their and force the idiot Dr. Laura off the air in sheer numbers of listeners.
I think the epidemic is chumps calling out the cheaters – THANKS TO TRACY for that !!!!!!! I was hiding under a rock and ready to forgive and wreckconcile until I found CN. Now I’m so full-on transparent the MC is almost frightened of it. She asks how I feel and I know exactly how I feel and I tell her and my cheating wife exactly how I feel. Leave a cheater, gain a life. Trust they suck. It’s all about entitlement. Cheating is ABUSE. Oh darn, my hours up….
MC is scared cos once you decide to divorce, no more sessions, no more money, excellent choice! Jedi hugs
I think it’s an epidemic also. It’s so scary how alike the stories all are.
I was a regular on Natalie Lue’s Baggage Reclaim, which was great for me. And one day she explained the Pick Me Dance and linked to here … and I think I fell in love!
Yes, that’s how I found Chumplady too. Through the Baggage Reclaim site from Natalie Lue. One of the comments on the site mentioned Chumplady and I came on this website and was instantly hooked!
I found a reference to Chump Lady in a forum post at the website Out of the Fog. Near the end of my marriage I came across a reference to narcissistic behaviors, and suddenly the crazy patterns started to fit. I love Tracy’s humor and layers of anger, it helped me move much further out of confusion and shame. I learn from other posters and find inspiration. Thank you.
Looking back at the still short arc of my (conscious) Chump journey it’s easy find the point of inflection where total SUCK stopped and the light at the end of the tunnel appeared. I stumbled onto CL 40 days after my third D-Day. It was only then that I came to know there wouldn’t be a fourth, because I finally found the support I needed to ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life’. I bought the book immediately and started consuming the wisdom of Tracy.
I had to check my browser history to recall what I was searching. That particular day I was working through the SUCK of ‘friends who supported your cheating spouse’ and The Google led me here. The rest as I now say is MY STORY, not hers anymore.
Deepn–I’m looking for tips on how to get over the anger of Switzerland friends (one in particular I had confided details and it feels like a second betrayal). Any advice is welcome.
I particularly have a hard time with brother’s ex-wife (yes she is a cheating whore and did the same to him as was done to me) She knew about my husband cheating in 2006 and when I asked her about it she claimed she knew nothing, years later I learned that was not the case, she knew, she was just up to her own tricks. Anyways, she has been friends with my ex and ALL the women he cheated on me with, and never said a word.
These disordered people are drawn to each other I guess. I’m sorry but I don’t believe in fence sitting or “Switzerland Friends”, either you are my friend or you are not. If you are friends with my ex then you are nowhere near my friend. Because if you know what he’s done or perhaps saw it with their own eyes, to me they are just as guilty and have issues within themselves that they would allow someone like that in their lives.
Life is too short for fence sitters.
Tempest, I say let them go. I saw someone post that Madea video from Youtube, where she just says to let people go, and it resonated with me. I don’t need any part time people, or people who you KNOW are sharing what you are doing or how you are doing, with the ex. Screw that. Either you’re with me or you’re against me. Your choice.
I agree with you, Bamboozled, and am willing to let the friend go. But I can’t suppress the internal conversations where I explain to her the sheer depth of my betrayal (X was a serial cheater, he’s claiming he only made a “mistake” by having one affair & it was because of “marital problems”). I even shared instances of emotional abuse with this friend (independent of the infidelity), and yet she has said to another friend, “All marriages have problems” and implicitly implied I was almost-equally responsible for the demise of the marriage.
I’ve tried hard to stop ‘talking’ to her in my head, but haven’t been effective. I’m ghosting her & her husband, but they’ll never know because I suspect they’re ghosting me, too.
Tempest, I experienced the Swiss friends too believing only what they heard from now-ex. Like yours, he told them only of the one AP I caught him with. They decided the wife would support me and the husband would support him (fitting because the Swiss husband had an emotional affair some time ago [emotional my ass]). Apparently during wreckoncilation, ex told them I would never forgive him so the Swiss H sent me an email with a link to an article on forgiveness. I didn’t respond so Swiss H called me and I blew him out and at some point when I took a breath, he said that he didn’t know about the serial cheating. When the prostitute usage came to light, guess who I called first? You got it – Swiss H to make sure he knew. Interestingly they continue to support ex. I’m guessing that they have to support him given that Swiss H is a known cheater too. Wouldn’t look right if they didn’t. So I officially went NC with them at the beginning of this year by blocking them everywhere I could. I don’t need people like that in my life.
Funny you mention your Switzerland couple; my ‘friends’ did the same thing–he supported X; she supported me. But she doesn’t like controversy, and while she nods as I report the latest news on X’s serial cheating, there is clear backing away, too (desire to not talk about, pointing out X only says nice things about me–yeah, cuz I didn’t fuck 1/3 of the student body the way he did!), and my Switz friend was instrumental in getting another couple (who fully supports me & hates X) to attend a dinner party with X and his new GF.
Motivation? Same as your friends–Switzerland man left his wife and two small children 30 years ago to be with someone else (current Switz woman–though she was told he was separated at the time & thus may not count it as ‘cheating’). Fuck ’em, but damn if it doesn’t burn being blamed as complicit in my own victimhood.
Tempest, I know it’s hard to hear and may not be something that you can do career wise, but just let go of the idea that Switerland friends will ever understand what that evil f*er did to you.They will never agree with you, they will just never understand, no matter what evidence you provide, no matter how much reading material you present to them that backs up what you have to say, not even when they see it with their own eyes. Some people are that stuck in evil that they will not change, they cannot change, just like your ex. I sent a Switerland friend a link to an article explaining the horror that the x put me through. Supposedly she read it, but 2 years ago her husband commits suicide, what was she doing 15 minutes before he does this, she was speaking on the phone with the x. Her husband considered the x as a brother, a true friend,and the x was on the phone with his wife, it must have been a horrible situation for that poor man. He was dead 15 minutes later. He must have felt something was going on, he might have known something was going on between his wife and his good friend and he did the unthinkable. Switzerland friends are not people that you need to convince, they are people that you have to cut loose, before they can do harm.
Flutterby–I know you’re right. Cognitively, I’ve let Switz couple go, but find myself consumed with anger that I have behaved impeccably toward this couple for over a decade, they’ve seen my X’s bad & impulsive & egotistical behavior, and yet they’re still willing to believe him. I need to work on letting go, which is all on me (and not dependent on changing their minds).
This is clearly a case where believing that there should be justice in the world is working against me. I still rail against accepting that dishonesty and injustice can prevail. But just as we all gave up agency at maintaining our diseased marriages to diseased people, I need to accept a lack of agency with the Switzerland friends. (Perhaps I should join RockStarWife in training for a marathon so I’m too tired to think about Switzerland couple?)
Thanks for your words of encouragement : ).
I love you Tempest :o)
hannibal may strut his stuff and hand it over to all takers but he will never enjoy life with a class act like you ever again on this earth! No mature, classy woman with integrity is ever gonna give him even just the time of day… The best that he will ever do is date children that probably laugh about him behind his back and blatantly use him for whatever he is offering right to his face. He, as satan, is his own worst enemy.
Karma cometh for thee hannibal…and it won’t be pretty! No siree!!!! 😀
Tempest,
I think they are all users and want their cake. Some of these people I used to be friends with, including ex, were friends and nice to people who were of use to them. Have a pool? I’ll come over and be your friend so I can go swimming. I need a babysitter, can I be your friend? There’s a job opening, can you put in the good word for me? My husband just died, so I will call you in the middle of the night and you will come over and support me and my family while I recover…until I don’t need you anymore. And on and on it went. Each one of them can just Fuck Off!
Damn. I knew Hannibal was a bastard, but he’s into some disturbing kink. For those of us who’ve lived a more sheltered life, how exactly does one fuck 1/3 of a student body? Never mind. I’ll just google it.
One day I had this uncontrollable urge to tell my ex what I thought of him, what he is and bit more vitriol. So doing my best to keep NC, I decided to just start typing (i’m faster at typing than I am writing) and i figured at the end if I truly wanted to send it I could. I typed and typed for a good hour and OMG it was so cathartic to get the words out, out of my head, to rid my soul of these feelings of anxiety, hurt, betrayal, and I decided in the end, that just writing it made me feel so much better.
It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. Maybe something like this will work for you? Maybe write them a letter getting out all your feelings of hurt and betrayal and once done you can decide if you want to send it to them.
I do the same. I write until my hand cramps and all my emotions are out on paper. I’m not angry at these friends yet….but I suspect it’s because I’m starting to feel the burning rage toward my ex and don’t think that we are emotionally equipped to deal with that kind of anger toward more than one or two people at a time. I think that once I release the venom about ex and get closer to meh, the friends will be waiting in line. Maybe the same rules should apply; cut them loose, go no contact, and vent safety. It’s too bad that they seem to be made from the same cut of cloth. From what I can tell, I’d rather have any one person on this site as a friend than the hoard of losers I used to associate with. Tempest, I am so sorry you were also betrayed by someone else you trusted. It sucks, and trust that this person does too.
Thanks, Bamboozled–great idea (and then the neighbors may stop thinking I’m one bubble short of plumb as I emotionally ‘talk’ to my friend while walking dogs)!
I ride my bike up steep hills and CUSS THE SHIT out of my wife. It’s very therapeutic. Talking to yourself is a sign of advanced intelligence IMHO – most people can’t even carry on a conversation with someone else much less two at the same time with themselves.
LOL. Fantastic, so i’m not the only one that does that!
I’m still dealing with the betrayal from friends too! I think that is part of the reason I’m having such a hard time healing. My ex had his affair with a friend and neighbor of ours and she was telling one of my close friends all about the affair and my so called friend never even gave me a hint something was going on. And several of my neighbors who I thought were my friends had seen him at her house early in the morning or he would pick her up, and how she would come to my house if I wasn’t home- this caused them to suspect something was going on and they talked about it amongst theirselves but never said a word to me! Then after the truth came out they all thought I would just forgive him and we would all go on like nothing happened! I don’t see or talk to anyone anymore- I have my kids, my sister, and I’m trying to make new friends. This really changed my entire life and I’m still struggling everyday and it will be 3 years next month! Too many people hurt me!
I’m sorry, SoMuchHurt. I had a similar experience where others knew, said nothing and went about with their lives watching my asshole fuck around. I don’t think the chump head-scratching about” What Kind of People ARE These so-called friends and neighbors” really goes away. We just become smarter, no longer ignorant of fence sitters, apologists, and other satellite cheater cowards, and we axe them out of our worlds. Life is to short to be surrounded by assholes by choice.
Big hug to you.
Thank you ANC! Hugs to you!
Congrats, Tracy, and thank you for starting CN. The support I’ve found here, the information and just the validation that I’m not crazy or alone has meant the world to me.
I believe the exact Google search that brought me here was “husband had an affair left me for the other woman how will I ever survive” and yet, here I am. Some days are definitely much harder than others, but here I am. The most disgusting thing I found along my search was a page with hundreds of wining cheater fuckheads complaining about how they just couldn’t let go of their AP after promising their spouse/partner they would. The glimpse inside a cheater’s head just a week or two out from D-Day was nauseating. But then I found Chump Nation and finally felt like it wasn’t my fault and that cheaters gonna cheat no matter what and I could have done nothing to stop it.
Yes, with the help of your original book and the blog I left a cheater and I am working on gaining a life. I found you about 5 months after d-day while I was reading all the wreckinciliation sites/books. I just couldn’t drink that kool-aid anymore. My stbx is a narcissist that used blameshifting, gaslighting, guilt and manipulation to keep me in his anxiety filled world for 18 years. No more! I lined up ducks and at the 1 year d-day anniversary i was ready. I saw a lawyer, filed for divorce, I bought my own place, started school, see a great therapist weekly (she’s a tough, little Jewish lady too!), and I go as nc as possible with two teenagers. He has turned family and friends against me and told everyone he can that- we just grew apart! The truth is I was committed and gave it my all but I didn’t know what I was up against. I tried to fix him but you can’t fix narc. I was married with children and he was living as a singleman in his double life. I’m not being his wife appliance that he emotionally abuses and takes for granted anymore –thanks to chumplady for showing me the way! I thank God for you every day. Without you I would surely still be miserable and wondering what I’m doing wrong and why the love of my life treats me so bad, then good, then blames me, and isolates me, and all in the name of love. Thank you-I am eternally grateful.
I found your site when I was really struggling with no contact.I think I may have googled those words and something came up about silence being the ultimate fuck off to these cake eating narcissists.
Reading your advice and the experiences of so many chumps that were similar to mine gave me the backbone I needed to stop being narcissistic supply for a stone cold sociopath.
It also gave me a set of brand new terms coined brilliantly by CL….the pick me dance,kibbles etc.
My accidental discovery changed my perspective and ultimately my behaviours.
Thank you CL and congratulations.
If I remember correctly, I googled for cheaters or similar. After reading I was amazed (should have found the site sooner). Learned about narcs, helped a friend to your site.
And I post on reddit (divorce) , recommending your site too.
October 31st 2014, I was at a Halloween party. I was a shell… numb, scared, sad, mad and running on empty. The Cheater was there and so were the kids. I learned of the betrayal on October 8th, the kids were told that we were divorcing on October 14th. I lost 17 pounds during those few weeks. I was standing in the kitchen chatting with the women. They all knew. One said, you need to go to CN. She will help you. Read it everyday. You will gain strength.
I did.
So congratulations! You make a difference in this crazy world. You have left your fingerprint!!!
You have done a great service Tracey! I’m so glad you have followed your calling to help.
I found your site thru First Wives World after 6 mo. of separation from the most classic of subtle narcs. It has helped me so much to be able to see that I am not alone, that my situation is NOT unique and that because there is NO cure no contact is the only way to gain a life. So no contact did work for my sanity. However I still find it a daily challenge to encourage my daughters relationships with such a loser because they deserve a father even if he doesn’t deserve them.
I hope you continue and that perhaps I, too can help in some small way. If you need a Canadian contact, let me know. I’m not done(Meh) yet but learning so much along the way. #1 = Life is NOT fair. You have to create your own Karma.
Thanks Again.
Google search found other resources that lead me to other blogs that recommended you! Whatfreshhellisthis.com was where I found your recommendation. Was so happy to just laugh for a change from both blogs. Was really tired of crying and anxiety at that point and was happy to find a new perspective
Correction. It was whatfreshhellisthissa.com. So glad I found both blogs and could start laughing and find the humor and the absolute rediculousness of this situation and how counseling just wasn’t going to fix this. It was too far warped and off from the reality of a healthy relationship
Oh! Oh! That’s Tania’s blog. Love that girl!! I met Tania and a host of other women who love Chump Lady through the Sisterhood of Support which is a support group for wives or partners of “sex addicts” (I use quotes because I don’t believe it’s an addiction). Lots of the current and former members of SOS are staunch CL fans, myself included.
I saw an offhand reference to your blog while reading a random post about a cheating spouse on a regional blog in the DC area. At that time, I had excused my STBX of lying to me about many things over a 20 year period and had been a limbo chump two years and counting regarding his latest apparent EA. I was struggling to get my mind to go back to “normal” and quit obsessing about the affair. I had done so successfully in the past but just could not put it aside this time. Chumplady.com smacked me with that 2 x 4 and about 2 months later (after 2 DECADES of denial) I told him I wanted a divorce. Shortly thereafter, I learned that the EAs were but the very tip of the iceberg and that he had actually been having a homosexual affair for the entire 30 years of our marriage. As horrifying as this has all been, I have had CL and CN for support and I come here every day. To say I am grateful for this blog is ridiculously insufficient. Thank you, Tracy, for creating a site that really does save peoples lives … tears are running down my face and I don’t have adequate words to express my feelings.
I was treading water early on in 2012 on an MLC site and there were a few ( dare I say scornful?) comments made by some of those members – so I visited once or twice, and that was it, the penny finally dropped and I had filed for divorce by the fall of that year. 4 years later and I hardly recognise myself and feel pretty chuffed that I am on my way to meh, not 100% there but definitely not far off it!
I feel very privileged to have watched this site grow daily since 2012. I regularly read each topic and always refer people to the site, especially those who could do with some non nonsense advice! Tracey’s UBT often has me in hysterics, she’s an inspiration to us all! I am so glad my gut instinct sent me here to read what she had to say……I knew, I just knew, that ………I wasn’t going nuts!!!! I could have still been on that MLC site believing in Unicorns and waiting for the aliens to return the XH!! Sorry MLC fans- I know there may be a few out genuine cases out there…………..
Oops “so I visited Chump Lady once or twice”………
I can’t remember specifically how I found Chumplady, but thank heavens I did! I’m sure I was trying to find some internet site that would magically make my spouse realize what he was doing and run back home to me! Talk about denial! I was at first shocked and put off by the title “chump”. I’m glad, no ecstatic, that I decided to ignor that and read her articles anyway. Saved my life! This is the ONLY site a chump will need. Thank you Chumplady from the bottom of my heart for the great advice. And to the other chumps who have paved the way to health and true happiness!
9 December 2015 I found Chump Lady. My one and only D-Day was on 16 November 2015. So, less than a month after I was stabbed in the back by Match Girl, I found Chump Lady. My first article? “Why did Daddy leave us? Because Daddy’s an asshole!” I knew I had found my people.
I know the exact date because I have a habit of making PDFs of the webpages I really like. I have a lot of PDFs on my MacBook from last December.
I can trace my thoughts by the other PDFs I have from that time period. It was the week before Thanksgiving, and luckily I had gone to Texas to be with my family. But after I faked the shit out of Thanksgiving Dinner, I crashed.
I found Psychology Today first, and then Shrink4Men, and then Baggage Claim. God, I hate Psychology Today. So touchy feely when it comes to articles for survivors of cheating. One of the articles I have from that time period is “Is My Spouse Having A Rebound Relationship?” Ugh. Now, I know what Chump Lady’s answer would have been. “No, your spouse is an ASSHOLE!”
I remember reading the comments, and I saw Arnold saying he had been battered by his X. That was huge. I’m just now really dealing with that part of my devalue. As it relates to yesterday’s discussion on letting down barriers, I am a long way from being more vulnerable. If anything, I’m more guarded than ever.
I wrote a letter to Chump Lady in January and she published it. The response from Chumps was overwhelming. I went back and read it the other day finally. There is so much good advice there. So much kindness from strangers. People I had never met in my life were loving me more than my own wife. That day I created an account and started posting. Everything changed for the better.
This has been a banner year for Chump Lady, and I am so grateful she is here. There is a never-ending supply of Chumps out there Tracy. So here’s to a billion served.
Ian,
I’m posting below, but go back to November 16th. There are two threads posted that day. My first visit to this site and post was on that day (Did he cheat because I confided my fears). It’s under my original user name Anne. I got a very warm welcome from Tempest and read a different post where she told someone named HH to “Fuck Off!” I knew I had found my people.
I’d love to read the post from HH. Wondering if it’s somebody I know
If I recall, HH was a troll pushing the “infidelity is normal from an evolutionary perspective,” but had only a shallow knowledge of evolutionary psych. He had pushed his views the day before, and had his intellectual head handed to him, but came back the next day to incite.
With the initials HH, thought it was the x’s ho…..sounds like something she would do.
Oh, Precious Tracy………… Wherever do I start?!
How I got ‘here’….In a nutshell, Dr. George Simon.
I was introduced to Dr. George by a therapist. So, I located Dr.Simon’s web-site and blog, bought his books. One day, he mentioned doing an interview with you. THAT’S how I found YOU!
It was just as you had posted the answer to the chump’s question on ‘why we stay so paralyzed’ (Feb 2014, about a year after I had FINALLY left Cheaterpants) and as they say, the rest is history.
My Life?!
WOW! Just WOW! Now, I am not saying I have discovered new planets and scaled literal mountains or any of the amazing things some of my fellow ‘Citizens’ have done. Most of my ‘getting a life’ is the internal stuff….You know, the ‘what did I do wrong?!’ ‘what could I have done different to ‘make’ him love just me?!’ yea, that is the biggest part of my life that has changed. I DO NOT GIVE A FLIP about all that drivel now! And THAT is what then opens the door to doing ‘external’ stuff & things.
Cheaterpants is no longer part of our ‘family’ business. My son & I are business partners now. Son and I work VERY well together. I have my first vehicle IN MY OWN NAME! That I qualified to buy ON MY OWN! I am partner in a GROWING business. I never have to worry about $$ anymore. Never have to worry about his ‘boo-hoo poor wittle me’ rants or his nasty rages, where everything is ALL MY FAULT. He no longer even tries that with me. Knows I do not give a flip. (We still share ‘custody’ of pets, so I have some minimal contact)
I have always been a ‘basic, simple’ kind of girl & will always stay that way, so my $$ needs are very basic & simple…..Authentic…..Yep…..LIFE is best lived cheater-free!!
(As is true with all my precious fellow chumps, there is much more I could share on this topic, but I am far too busy living the life you helped me to take back! And that is the BEST thanks you could ever receive!)
Forge on, dear Tracy……ForgeOn!
I was directed here by a very dear friend and fellow chump — and I can’t imagine what type of shape I’d be in if she hadn’t done so.
CL is clearly striking a nerve and doing massive good — when are we going to start seeing you on cable news, Dr. Phil, etc. — you KNOW they’re going to come knocking at some point.
OOOHHH — a debate against Dr. Keith Ablow!!! Would love to see you deflate that massive cranium of his!!
Congrats Tracy! You truly are a life saver! I was “standing” for my marriage and getting sicker and sicker. I was in a hospital bed in Ontario, Canada, when I googled being abandoned by a cheating spouse. Your blog was amoung the list.
Now I buy your books by the dozen and leave them in the trunk of my car to pass out. When my social worker finally saw the change in me, she got a copy too. In her line of work she sees many chumps. She too is recommending your blog and book. She has told me many stories of clients leaving therapy that is not working and instead divorcing their cheaters and gaining a life!
I never had a search where Chump Lady came up. I saw a mention of CL on an RIC site. Soooo thankful I did. It’s like Alternate World in the RIC. Anything they advise, do the opposite. It’s all geared to making the Cheaters comfortable, so you can “reconcile”. And be treated like shit, have zero support system, develop PTSD, yada, yada, yada….
Back in 2010 I found out that the ex was cheating on me. My first impulse was to run like Forrest Gump but I squelched that inner voice and decided to “fight for my marriage.” No way was I letting the OW win the life that I had worked so had to build up to that point.
So I languished in wreckconciliation for 3 years. At some point during the first year I stumbled on to SI and the Infidelity board on Dailystrength. Both were just chock full of chumps chasing unicorns. I believed everything I read about saving my marriage and did so with vigor but something didn’t feel quite right and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
One of the less popular posters on dailystrength, posted a link to your website in January 2013 and I was hooked. Everything that didn’t feel quite right, you Tracy, explained and it was like seeing light for the first time. I read all the archives and comments and I read daily from that faithful day in 2013.
I was so sick of being the marriage police at that point so I just stopped but since I didn’t trust him, stopping meant that I had to detach myself from him emotionally and detach I did. The love I once had simply died after that point and it was just a matter of finding my nerve to leave.
It was an archive in 2012 about “the walls in your house singing again” that helped me start to imagine my life without the ex-we had been married 26 years at that point so there were a lot of sunk costs. The articles in 2013 about genuine naughahyde remorse and entitlement were the clinchers though. I knew I did not have a unicorn at that point; just your run of the mill coward cheater.
It was shortly after I read those in July that we had our initial discussions about divorce. I was out of the house by the end of the year and divorced by January 2014. Grown kids and me moving out made that process go smoother. I did opt for mediation and in some ways I got screwed but in some others he did.
I have been absolutely no contact for 2 years now. Another fantastic skill I learned from this site! I’ve also been cultivating a relationship with me. I was so afraid of being alone for the entirety of my adult life that I ignored red flags before and during my marriage. Big red flags!
Bottom line? I am a much happier person since I left the cheating asshat!. My sons are adults but we have built some new traditions around the holidays and such; I’m closer with my immediate family and I’ve built a great circle of friends, the real kind, not the Switzerland kind. Life is better on the other side and I owe a great deal of gratitude to you Tracy and to Chump Nation. Every now and then, when the time is right, I go back to that infidelity board on daily strength and post a link to pertinent article on your site and hope against all hope that it saves someone else’s life.
Thank you so much!
I really don’t remember exactly how I found this site. But I do know that it was the only one that didn’t feel like a knife in my heart when I read the posts. That’s when I stopped looking. All of the other sites put the blame on the unsuspecting spouse and in my gut it just didn’t feel right. As CL says, my spouse had other options….to have an honest conversation or divorce. To have completely blown up our life the way he did was and still is on him. CL was the only site that made sense to me.
I had made the shocking discovery that my nice, psychotherapist husband had a secret bdsm sex addiction.I found a link to this site on marriedtoasexaddict.com. I had already left him by then, but really needed support, and of course no one I knew had been through anything even remotely like what I had been through. I am so very glad that I found this site! It’s been a little over a year since I left, and life is definitely getting much better! Thank you for providing this access for people to share.
Congratulations!! You are Mighty, Tracy. And thank God you’re here.
I was in a long, boiling frog abuse type relationship and in therapy (my ex resisted all efforts to pursue therapy). In an attempt to learn more about Narcissism (beyond my therapist and friends), I Googled “Narcisstic husband” or something quite similar. Your website popped up on the first page. Your site’s name was catchy so I clicked in and never left!!!
I do not know if my ex ever physically cheated on me.. BUT he DID have an emotional affair with a business affiliate. It didn’t even dawn on me that this was what was happening until I read into your site and saw similar accounts of my experiences, years ago.
More than a decade past, my ex all of a sudden treated me as if I could do *nothing* right. Literally nothing. Around this time, I started seeing chatty emails coming to our email account, directed at my ex – one of which contained “I miss you”. Of course he had a very simple explanation for that email, and I bought his crap.
I have learned so much from your website and hope that I can remain “cheater free” in my future relationships.
Thank you so much !!!!
My ex SAID to one of his MANY admirers in an email, “I miss you so much!!” and I bought his bs excuse too. Such a chump I was.
I got more and more angry after D-day, finally googled “infidelity as emotional abuse.” I found a woman who credited Tracy with making that argument, found her HP articles, then this website. When I did, it was as if the clouds parted and the sun shone down upon me. Finally, someone gets it.
I carried around classic articles such as “5 things that keep you stuck with a cheater,” “Reconciliation and Entitlement” & “A Public Service Announcement for Remorseless Cheaters,” (last two are personal favorites), plus 2 others. Read them each 5 times a day and it got me through to the point where I filed pro se, then got a lawyer.
Congratulations CL!
I found CL through an internet search on leaving a cheater. I knew that cheating was a deal breaker for me. My ex was also a drinker, bar hound and overall lousy husband. My mental and physical health was not good the last few years of my marriage and his cheating was the final straw.
I can’t say enough about how CL and everyone here has helped me through this. As much as I knew my marriage was over, it was hard to let go of my family life and my dreams. I had to rebuild and I have. I have a new job, new friends, I’ve travelled and have a very nice man in my life now who I see occasionally. Every day I check CL to read the posts and replies. It has saved my sanity and given me hope.
My life is better without my cheater but I had to work for it. I don’t worry if he’ll get drunk again or if he’s screwing servers. I don’t worry about STDs. I am a better parent and friend. I’m less smug about marriage and cheating. I’m humble and so grateful. Thanks again CL and Chump Nation.
My counselor directed me to CL when, after 3 DDays in 6 months, I finally realized that “wreckonciliation” was never going to work. The first post I read made me laugh for the first time in months, and the Real Remorse/Imitation Remorse post made me truly realize that I definitely didn’t have a unicorn! This blog and CN have given me the strength and wisdom I needed to stand up for myself and my kids. I read every day, multiple times a day, and love going through the archives for wisdom and support. I am “lining up my ducks” to get ready to file (married 24 years, been a SAHM for 18 years!) and CN keeps me focused on the most important thing – me and my kids! Thank you thank you thank you CL and CN for giving me the strength to move forward!
After a 30-year (but sporadic) idealization phase and a short but very painful “devalue” stage, Jackass had simple walked away from what was supposed to be “the rest of our lives.” I had been discarded, but not completely. There were still promises but also the begging for time to “figure himself out and rethink his life,” or whatever he called it then. There had been signs of an OW when the devalue stage ramped up. By the time I figured out there was indeed an OW, he had pretty much ended contact, although he had several thousand dollars of my money in his bank account intended for a joint business start up. (Can’t pick up the phone to call me but can spend that money.) Once I confronted him about the OW, he went into full rage mode and that was the end, except for figuring out how to get his stuff out of here without seeing him.
But I was devastated. Not functional. Out of my mind with grief and pain. And I had found a few RIC sites that counseled that no contact would bring him back to his senses, out of the cheater fog. And that gave me hope–or should I say “hopium”? Then one day my google search turned up Chump Lady. The stories hooked me–it was such a relief to know that I wasn’t crazy. This shit is painful. Other people had been through the same thing, and many of them had far more difficult struggles than I did because they had to deal with marriages, kids, in-laws, long-established business, domestic abuse and violence, financial fraud on a huge scale, etc. But in reading what Tracy wrote, in reading the posts of other chumps, in following the resources to Dr. Simon, in following the links to Chump blogs, I started to learn.
I learned about Cluster B personality disorder. The stages of a relationship with a narcissist. I found words and concepts for what happened to me. I could use my mind to help me live through the pain (because up to that point in the discard, my mind had not been my friend). Even more important was the idea that I needed to work on me to “gain a life” after decades of assuming–believing–that without a “life partner” I couldn’t have a life. I’ve been in therapy for a lot of years working on FOO stuff; a psychologist who evaluated me for insurance told me I would always need therapy, given my history. And my therapist is great. Her first words on Jackass? “You can never go back.” But even that revealed how far I had to go, as the discard opened 10 years of things I had not told the therapist. For 6 months, she did a lot of fast writing…But it was reading here that really galvanized not only my recovery from infidelity and abandonment, but my growth as a woman who wants to stand on her own feet. Chumps build houses, mow grass, fix things, start businesses, and do all manner of mighty things. Bless you, Tracy, for this community of survivors. Congratulations on reaching 10 million! And may every soul who needs to be here find us.
Congratulations! My short term memory is still shot from the trauma. I found you in 2014 or 2015. I was looking for something on cheater…maybe reconciliation with cheater or why people cheat.
Anyways I read the post …cant remember which one…but the next i read was the three channels. I recognized my stbx right away. Then I read and read. It re-confirmed what I always believed…dump anyone who cheats on you because this person is not your friend.
I live in a country where women get married expecting their husbands to cheat. ( Just typing that makes me wretch). I had always said that the first time he cheated was the last. Indeed the first time I found his email to a work colleague telling her he wanted to be with her but did not want to do anything to jeopardize the family, I told him to move out. He started looking. After a few days I relented as we had an 8 month old and I thought of how attached she was to him and how he seemed to enjoy her…i did not want to piss on anyone’s parade. Chump!
Leaving out lots of detail. I was encouraged to stay and given the ‘ oh you know men’ line. Of course he blamed me whenever he was caught. Treated me like crap while I protested his treatment. I stuck it out for kids. Then praise God he left! And I said he will never ever come back into my life.
My children are forever changed. His selfishness ruined it for us. And his mother’s selfishness ruined it for he and his sister. Instead of rising above he sank into it.FOO issues ? Don’t we all. But choices we have too.
Thanks for what you do. I posted my thanks in the comments section of the post about your Q&A so I wont rehash. But I am very grateful. Your words kept my resolve up and kept moving forward even when he hoovered back.
He even admitted there was someone else when he moved out…he just used all other guises to hide it. …they think we believe their lies because we don’t call everyone of them but how time consuming would that be?!
Much love CL.
“FOO issues ? Don’t we all. But choices we have too.”
Mandie – We all have a story. I am no contact with my FOO, where my father was a Narcissist and my mother is a Malignant Narcissist. Imagine growing up around that when you’re a helpless innocent child and you have 2 adults who make your life living hell on a daily basis. That’s how I spent my youth and childhood. But I didn’t go around cheating on my boyfriends. Instead, I got therapy and am emotionally healthier than ever before. As an adult, we all have choices and know right from wrong. Tons of adults here grew up around abuse and mental cruelty inflicted by their own FOO, but they sure as heck didn’t go around destroying other people’s lives. Your ex is exactly where he wants to be and that is to sink into the dysfunction. I’m so glad you got out.
Ditto, Kellia. Very similar upbringing and FOO, but I never cheated. But I didn’t have the vocabulary or perspective to see my cheater for the lying POS that he is until I read Chump Lady. I was directed to the site by a family member of Divorce Minister. So, so glad I checked it out. Saved my sanity and sped up my healing. Thanks to Tracy and to all of CN. I do feel very very meh these days.
So true. Seems some of us reject the abuse and some accept and perpetuate. I’m glad we are both out. my heart aches for my children though.
I honestly don’t remember when I stumbled on to ChumpLady. DDay and wreckonciliation was in 2013, began the divorce process in 2014 (had to wait a year) and all was final in 2015. I know I googled something about divorce and I think it was in 2014 but my world was a mess and I just can’t remember exactly.
What I do know is that this site was exactly what I needed. Nothing else I found fit my situation or helped my make sense of the hell my life had become. Tracy and CN gave me the understanding (and kick in the pants) that I needed. I will be forever thankful to you all!