The Blog Turns 4 Today!
Happy blog-aversery everyone! Today Chump Lady is four years old! Well, the blog that is. Not me. I’m 49 years old. For your amusement, here’s a picture of me at four years old, dressed as a cowgirl. (A foreshadowing of Texas things to come?) Cue “Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Bloggers…”
What a long, strange trip it’s been. I’ve been blogging about infidelity now longer than I was actually married to a cheater. What began as a brain dump — here’s everything I learned! Please don’t do the stupid things I did! Skip ahead! — has turned into an amazing community, Chump Nation. I sensed that there were unicorn skeptics out there, I just didn’t realize you were legion.
So today’s post is 4 Things I’ve Learned As Chump Lady.
Every day I learn from you guys, and I’ve read tens of thousands of infidelity stories, which still have the power to move me, surprise me, and keep me angry at the injustice of it all. If anything still keeps me writing, it’s the mindfuck of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex and all the lousy advice out there. I hope more survivor chumps speak up, so we can change the Chumps-Drive-Cheaters-to-Cheat blameshifting narrative. Which leads me to my first nugget —
1) It’s awkward to self-identify as a chump. To speak up about infidelity is to out yourself as a chump. Let me tell you, it’s pretty darn awkward to tell people what I’ve been working on these last few years. “Oh a blog. That’s nice.” (Eyes roll back into head with visions of half-assed mommy blogging about my child’s peanut allergy or something.)
What’s it about? The winsome daily adventures of being you? Power kale smoothies? Fitness? (Do I look like a fitness blogger? Have you seen my thighs?) No, no, no — it’s about cheating! Uh, but there’s cartoons and stuff and snark.
Now my inquisitor is totally confused. Maybe I’ll go on to explain it happened to me (but I’m okay now! Really happy! Not bitter! No sir!) Maybe I’ll do the shock and awe of my readership — 9.3 million-plus page views to date, 400K-plus a month of page views, a traditional book deal, a self-published book that went #1 on Amazon.
But there is still the sense, that in raising the topic of chumpdom and infidelity, I’ve overshared. Or identified in a way that sometimes makes people reassess me. (Sexless loser? Bitter, angry ex? Middle-aged woman who Drives Men Away!) The secret is to just be OKAY with that. I don’t control what other people think. Maybe my example — I’m well-adjusted! I’m writing! and dear God, some publisher PAID me! — will make others rethink the chump experience. Or better yet, have the courage to share theirs and chuck the shame.
2) If you build it, they will come. Any aspiring bloggers out there? KEEP AT IT. I really didn’t have an end goal or an exit strategy when I started this blog. I was fed up with the advice out there and being red-flagged on reconciliation sites. So I started my own site as a bit of a protest vote, but more with a sense of freedom that here I can talk about the infidelity experience in my own voice (read: potty mouth), and where I don’t have to tread lightly around reconciliation and cheater sensibilities.
As I said, it was just going to be a brain dump. Here’s what I learned! Take it!
I found very early on, that other people felt like I did. And Ego Kibbles and the Pick Me Dance and the Unifying Theory of Cake helped them. And they sent encouragement. And so many letters, that I just kept at it, crashed a few servers, fucked up WordPress a few hundred times, went into the red to keep the thing going, got trolled, got on HuffPo, got more virulently trolled, and kept at it.
And damn, if you didn’t keep coming. So anyone reading this who wants to blog about this crap? DO IT. The more voices out there, the better. Tenacity is 99 percent of blogging, IMO. Just show up and be original.
3) Cheaters are even more twisted than I thought. Esther Perel once tweeted at me that my experience “goes beyond infidelity.” Which clearly goes to show that Esther doesn’t know shit about infidelity. It ALL goes BEYOND. It’s always more than just the fucking around. It’s the theft, of your time, your reality, your finances, your family belonging. It’s often volatile and traditionally abusive — domestic violence, towering rages, threats. It’s the mindfuckery — the lies, the gaslighting, the blameshifting, the constant subtle and not-so-subtle devaluing.
Can someone pleases stand up who had one of those benevolent cheaters who gently fell in love, and did some harmless exuberant defying in a Motel 6? But deeply loved the bonds of their marital captivity?
If I’ve learned anything doing this blog, is that this shit is even darker and creepier than I ever imagined.
4) But chumps are MIGHTY. Four years of writing this blog and reading your stories, I’ll tell you what my biggest take away is — resiliency. I’ve read some horrific stories here — but I’ve read more stories of chumps overcoming the crap they’ve endured. I’m not talking overnight meh success, I’m talking about foot soldiers trudging over mountains of dysfunction, and coming out alive.
Better for it, stronger for it, and funnier for it. Thanks for sharing your stories with me and your fellow chumps. Happy blog-eversary!
All I know is I sure wish I had found your site 5 years ago before wreckonciliation destroyed my retirement and almost my sanity. We need to teach our children the red flags of narcissism and other personality disorders. These things destroy people without remorse. Mine is working hard to make sure I am an old broke single while he has a shiny new appliance to use for her money sex etc.
YES! We must get the word out to educate people about the serious inevitable harm inflicted by those with Cluster B Personality Disorders. I finally found lots of great info and resources to get help to heal after my pathological love relationship by going to saferelationshipsmagazine.com (don’t know how to link that URL). They are the highly respected Institute of Relational Harm Reduction. I took their test of my STBX’s Traits in a counseling session through the Institute yesterday, and it was sobering.
It’s a list of 49 questions, Only after giving the scores was I informed of what questions reveal which disorders.
In the Anti Social Personality Disorder section (ASPD, formally called Sociopath) 3 or more traits are needed for diagnosis. His score was 10.
In the Psychopath section, 5 or more traits were needed. His score was 15
In the Borderline Personality section, 5 or more traits were needed. His score was 1.
In the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 5 or more were needed, his score was 7.
I was told he is an Anti-Social Psychopathic Narcissist. By a professional highly experienced in the field of personality disorders. Now I know for sure.
A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing. He is dangerous, not because of being a bad guy, but being a bad guy wearing a “Mask of Sanity”.
Thank you and Congratulations Tracy for opening our eyes to the insanity!
If anyone wants me to post the questionaire, please respond and I’ll get permission from the Institute to post it (if Tracy gives her blessing…)
I came here after I was free because I never could figure out just what sort of crazy I’d been dealt. It’s pretty clear now. And the worst part was my crazy cheating ex was a psychologist, who was a professor and a well published researcher in his field. I never took any courses in that field, and so was a perfect chump. My family came to my graduation from grad school. He invited twice as many from his family and loudly announced that I had failed to arrange lunch and had nothing ready to cook for them so no one could eat. AWKWARD! I passed the Bar Exam with a 150% score. He said, “I hate lawyers.” I divorced his butt after 16 years and he broke into my new home with his student trollop who he moved into the house I built. An appliance replacement that didn’t work. He divorced her inside two years, probably because she wouldn’t take the shit I did, and/or she was no longer necessary after the University settled the lawsuit he caused by defaming the visiting professor she was also humping who he got fired to remove the competition.
You can’t make this shit up. Thank you, Tracy, for bringing some blinding light onto this nonsense. I love you, CL, and all of CN. You ladies and gentlemen ROCK.
P.s. I linked to the Institute via my handle. Click the red Chump Change to go to their site.
I’d be interested….
I agree, sadlady15, we need to teach our kids how to identify narcissistic behaviors. I thankfully did find chump lady shortly after filing for divorce and this blog was needed ammo to fortify me and help me leave with my sanity. Took me 1 yr 9mos to wade through the crap of divorcing him….but I am free!! I left with basically nothing because I was married to the grand puba of narcholes, but am better for it. My children now have CHOICES and we don’t walk on eggshells. Chump lady…you deserve a standing ovation…THANK YOU for all your encouragement. Let’s cut off that gas supply!
Congratulations on four years of helping people through tough times! Best advice I’ve gotten, anywhere. By codifying the tropes of infidelity (kibbles, cake, pick-me dance, meh, unicorns, no contact, trust that they suck…etc.) you have created a graduate seminar for survival. thanks.
THIS! ?
Yes! Congratulations, Chump Lady!!!
Happy blog-aversary! I’m grateful to have had your words of wisdom and advice/support from the collective hive mind of CN to help me through some awful times the past four years.
May this blog mark the beginning of a change in the cheater narrative– cheating is selfish, horrid, not romantic, isn’t the chump’s fault, and is the sign of someone who is, at the very least, deeply troubled and at the very worst, completely disordered.
I hope there will come a day when I can be more forthright about my story with everyone and not just the people close to me. For now, though, CN has given me the strength to “correct” people who speak about cheating as though it’s a cute plot line or as though the poor cheater was forced into it by a “mean” spouse.
Here’s to the next four years of helping chumps to “gain a life.” 🙂
Even at age four, no six shooters. Intelligence and wit filled your holsters! That’s what we all love about CL.
Happy Blog-a-Versary!! I’m so happy for you that you’ve turned a brain dump into such a huge thing. And in doing so, you have helped and entire nation of people who were in despair. We chumps ARE MIGHTY!
Thank u Chump Lady for all that you do. I have no doubt that your book and this blog have actually SAVED LIVES. You have a very special place in my heart. God Bless you and everyone here at CN.
We are better for having you around chumplady. In fact I’ve no doubt some people are actually STILL AROUND because of chumplady.
Yes, and YES! I can’t tell everyone here at Chump Nation how it helped me hang on through my cancer treatment and recovery, all while I was being cheated on right and left. Plus you can’t underestimate the value of knowing that 1) you have an amazing Chump Army of supporters, who 2) know the ropes (unfortunately), and 3) can help you avoid the pitfalls while you disentangle yourself from the cheater! Tracy and Chump Nation saved me so much time, heartburn, and money in this last divorce. Instead of going into analysis paralysis, looking for “concrete proof” that PreyingMantis had had affairs… I went into overdrive mode at the first “tell” [in this case, the “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore” speech] removing access to bank accounts, firewalling finances, and stopping automated payments. Once the ATM stopped working, PreyingMantis was outta there in record time! Cheaters are so formulaic. Now PreyingMantis is the next twu wuv schmoopie’s problem. I so feel much better already! 😀
/feel so [sorry, no edit function]
Thank you for providing this invaluable public service. That you continue to slog here daily with minimal financial recompense is amazing. I hope the new book goes #1 too and you can buy a castle in Scotland or an island in the Caribbean.
LOL thanks. The self published book did well and I got a good advance on my new book. No worries, I’m not starving. But the first two years this place was in the red, which is fine. Building anything takes time. I have other work. 🙂 And a big shout out to everyone who has donated to the blog — you are paying it FORWARD to every new chump. (I use the proceeds to pay hosting costs which run around $170/month depending on traffic.)
No castle. Besides, I’m DONE with old houses!
Congrats and most of all, thanks. You’ve made a mighty thing. I’m 100% sure you’ve saved lives. You’re funny as all get out, smart as a whip, and cute as a button. Love you, CL, thank you always.
Well said, Arlo and ditto from me, Tracy. Thank you from the bottom of my chumpy little heart.
Happy blog anniversary from an European chump! Your blog saved my sanity and dare to say life. It helped so much to put things into perspective by reading the stories of our fellow chumps, and your sense of humor is priceless. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank You for blogging.. I’m so grateful I found you last year! I no longer feel alone on my Journey to MEH and eventual Tuesday!
Have a Great Day!
Chris
We can all help CL by donating. It actually costs her approximately $175.00 per month to keep the blog going.
Thanks for this, Esq. I have to admit, I have never noticed that link before and I’ll bet I have missed it other blogs I love, too. Great public education!
Congratulations, and thank you, CL!
4 years ago I was in the midst of pick me dance/false marital counseling… Sure wish I found you then, But I found you three years ago as the divorce was finalized. I am still dealing with the entitled, lazy, lying selfish coward given parenting issues.
You, and. CN have been amazing support group. I am mostly at “meh” but I like to still check in to support the newbies.
Happy Blog-aversary! So happy to have found this site when I did. I did the pick me dance for 3 years of wreckconciliation. I used to think of it as a major waste of time but it helped to open my eyes and really see the ex for who he was. No spackle. It ensured that once I left I would never go back.
No contact for two years now and it’s great! I would have never had the courage to even think of leaving if it wasn’t for your site CL and the legions of chumps out there willing to share their stories.
Much love and thanks!
Your book, your blog, and the (unfortunately) many member of CN are helping me through this in ways i could never have imagined possible. I’m wearing “chump” as a badge of honor as I march toward “meh.” Thanks to you Tracy and to everyone who’s felt the pain and encouraged others forward.
Started visiting in the late summer of that first year. All I can say is THANK YOU. CL is about so much more than infidelity and the aftermath to me now, that’s why I keep coming back. It’s about self esteem, self worth, living your values, de-toxifying your life and relationships, healing and growing emotionally, setting and enforcing boundaries …being FUCKING MIGHTY. Id like to think I’m a better human being today than I was 4 years ago in no small part thanks to Tracy and CN. Don’t ever let anyone denigrate what you do on this “little blog” – you change lives.
Scotty for the win!
Chump Lady saved my life and continues to help me listen more to the little voice I had always ignored because I thought it my mission in life to make others happy, even it it meant sacrificing my own self worth and dignity. Being devalued, discarded and then financially destroyed by the man I pledged to love and honor my whole life was hell.
Watching while he continues to treat our sons as interchangeable chattel continues to horrify me. Standing by and not being able to intervene while he methodically and psychologically fucks with our kids has definitely been excruciating. In a twisted way, X still knows how to hurt me to the core. Until you’ve held a sobbing, crushed, 20-year old young man in your arms because his father broke his heart…
Knowing I am finally free (as much as I can until my youngest turns 18) from the direct orbit of a controlling, selfish, bullying, sanctimonious, parasite of a “man” is definitely worth every second of the shit I endured to get here. I have hope in my life again.
He will never abuse me again. Nobody will.
I just wish he didn’t have the power to continue to emotionally abuse my kids. For fucking sport. Because the courts told him he has every right.
Fucking courts.
@ chutes and ladders This breaks my heart so much. I’m in the room right now with my two little girls and my heart is just so full of love for these two. Watching your kids get damaged by this stuff is just the most heartbreaking thing. The mental image of you holding your 20 year old son just tears me up. My ex’s dad (who puts the dis in disordered) just quit speaking to his legally blind significantly hearing impaired and delayed son. Who knows why? I’m already torn up about it. How can people abuse their kids??!! Such sadists. And my ex is turning out the same. I really hope for his sake he recognizes it (he does really) but just doesn’t want to do the work. And then they quit caring I think. Right now my kids are just kibbles but those times will change. I’m so sorry for your family. Hugs.
Kay, X only knows how to use people. He never should have had children.
Hear, hear! Well said, Scotty!
Happy blog-aversery! I am so grateful to have found this site because it was the straight-forward kick in the ass I needed to get my head straight after believing in him and his lies for so long. You’ve started a revolution from the old ways of focusing on the cheater and how they can be helped (gag!) by broadcasting the effect cheating has on the faithful partner. You are awesome and so is CN!
Thank you Chump Lady and happy anniversary. As time went on I knew it went way beyond infidelity. It WAS just the tip of the iceberg. For many years I went it alone and searched for answers. This is where I found them. For all cheaters lack in courage, chumps are resilient and are the most courageous group of men and women who can reach MEH because of your blog. You introduced me to real hope and healing. + 1 for a life saved.
Thank you for such a powerful blog. Reading others’ experiences reinforces for me that one need not accept such treatment from the person that supposedly loves you. The details of my own story are so much less horrible than so many stories here (“just” emotional affairs and decades of selfish lying). The fact that you guys can overcome such pain and be mighty gave me the kick in the pants I needed to stock being a limbo chump and get on with it. Without this blog, I can imagine a very different life trajectory and it is a sad one. #TeamChump!!
Yes, thank you! Thank you for teaching us to call BS to there crazy train antics. Six weeks and the Judge will sign off on fifteenth years of lies. Again, thank you.
So grateful for you and Chump Nation. This blog changed my life.
Standing ovation from my cubicle!
Happy blog-aversary!
Thank you for being the voice of reason and the light in the darkness (the light that fuels No Contact of course)
I found you within hours of discovery and truly appreciate you and ChumpNation reinforcing my desire to flee that burning house that was my life!
The stuff you said about infidelity being much darker than just a romp in the sack is soooo true. But the biggest thing you have helped me realize is that I don’t have to take this shit anymore. Thanks, and happy anniversary.
Congratulations to YOU! And I’m so happy that you not only attract the Cheated-On, but, those on the receiving end of abuse. I’ve said this several times, but, I found you through a Google search for *Narcisstic husbands* or something very similar. Your site popped up on the front page.
It’s likely, however, that abusers also cheat – either emotionally or physically – if not both.
It’s very comforting to have a site like this to be part of. Not just to read the stories, but, to get gentle reminders of what to do/how to behave when we falter. Also to post lessons learned so we can help others.
Thank you for being there for us.
Tracy,
You built the treehouse for the club no one wants to join, and now it’s bursting at the seams. Fuck yeah!!!
Thank you for saving my life.
Best wishes for continued success, staggering wealth, and total annihilation of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.
Sad sausages beware.
This blog has definitely helped me to understand the disordered. Thanks CL! You rock!
Congratulations, CL. You deserve everything you’ve worked for.
“It’s always more than just the fucking around. It’s the theft, of your time, your reality, your finances, your family belonging. It’s often volatile and traditionally abusive — domestic violence, towering rages, threats. It’s the mindfuckery — the lies, the gaslighting, the blameshifting, the constant subtle and not-so-subtle devaluing.”
CL you are one of those singular Hero’s – not only helping betrayed people rise up through personal pain but exposing the social hypocrisy and cultural promotion of deceit surrounding intimacy terrorism. Making you so very “uncool” for those ‘defiant’ deviants who wish to ‘exuberantly’ cheat on their partners without them knowing.
Agreed “You Change Live.” Happy Birthday CN
“Intimacy terrorism”. Yes. Aptly put. Cheaters are low.
Reconciliation is good for only one thing: proof that the deadend was in fact a deadend.
This blog has helped me to stay NO CONTACT.
Thank you! 🙂
Happy Anniversary Chumplady!!! You are a modern day angel and you have saved many many lives thanks to this site. You are making a difference!! Thank you for empowering all of us out there, you ROCK!!!!!
It’s just over two years since I discovered the Chump Lady blog. A source of light and goodness on the internet – in direct opposition to the dark side my ex had wallowed in. The porn, the messaging, Fuckbook where he and OW plotted.
It was revelatory- and practical. It helped me deliver the coup de grace on a tortuous marriage. Divorce. Followed by continued support. How to do No Contact. How not to untangle that skein of fuckupedness. How to gain (back) a life. Good advice from CL herself and a world-wide (web) of chumps all going in the same direction- away from an infidelity fire storm. So, Happy Birthday CL and keep on blogging.
I echo the thoughts of Mikky. May your success continue exponentially. My dissertation topic was on resiliency and I see it reflected so much in this blog. Reach down deep for what it is that makes you “bounce back” after the infidelity fire storm.”
Always stay humble and kind—but with an appropriate dose of snark.
Here’s to the winners! Congratulations Tracy!
So grateful to have found this blog early in the process, you’ve saved me enormous emotional turmoil. I’m sure your influence has spread far and wide, I can be reading a review, or discussion thread somewhere and all of a sudden you can see a post from a member of CN, just by the language and the terminology. Cutting through the bullsh*t one post at a time.
Love this. It’s like we’re little soldiers, trained here and then sent forth to fight the RIC and all the other falsehoods of infidelity, in the name of restoring the emotional freedom of the chump.
We may be anonymous, but we can recognise our fellow Students of Chump. Battle on.
Sending up metaphoric balloons and confetti to the blog and Tracy for saving the sanity of so many chumps!
I’ve said it before, when I finally stumbled on CL after D-day, it was if the clouds parted and the sun shone down upon me–SOMEBODY MAKES SENSE!!! I don’t have to stay with a disordered fuckwit just because other people think I should forgive and forget an affair that happened 8 years ago.
May the book sell well enough that you can visit a castle in Scotland on a grand tour of Europe.
P.S.–Kudos to you, Tracy, for your bravery. It cannot have been fun or easy to be the lone voice in the wilderness pointing out the ugly truth of infidelity against legions of therapists and EstherPerel-types and a clueless public. About as popular as discussing body functions at a dinner party, I imagine (but much more valuable). You have started to change the narrative about cheating, and it’s up to the rest of us to keep the movement going by informing therapists, friends, our children about the damaging effects of infidelity and a blame-the-victim mentality. Viva la Chump Revolution!
Right there with you, Tempest.
Got me out, kept me out and put me on the road to meh with signs showing me the path on a road less traveled.
Words are not strong enough to convey my heartfelt gratefulness for you, the friends I have met here and this nation of people longing for sanity in the mad, mad world of infidelity.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Two years April 16.
I can’t believe I found your site still in its infancy. The changing of the guards that held the truth captive.
I now live in a life full of possibilities instead of dread.
Cheers to the other side. Cheers to true hope. Cheers to all chumps for a long and prosperous life after the bomb of betrayal.
Hard to believe the worst thing became the best thing that ever happened to me.
I sincerely hope that I may feel the same…about the infidelity firestorm being the best thing to happen to me.
Still trudging towards the light of meh. One step forward, two steps back.
Thanks to CL, I am certain that I am headed in the right direction.
I am grateful to her and CN. Most grateful.
CL
Your voice, your insight, and your challenge to the reconciliation shit sandwich industry, cheater apologists, new age babble and the faux infidelity “experts” such as a Esther Perel and Hollywood “conscious uncoupling” brain twisting nonsense….etc….shows how difficult it can be to take back the narrative that the cheater establishment has hijacked.
The cheater narrative is that cheaters are glam, cheaters are evolved, cheaters are victims of monogamy, that monogamy is unnatural. Oddly, toilet paper and deodorant are unnatural if one wants to argue the unnatural strawman tactic.
Than you CL for all that you contribute to challenging the cheater narrative and cutting through the bullshit with your extraordinary “UBT” skill set.
Cheaters want to be taken seriously, they own the narrative, chumps are supposed to go sit at the back of the bus. How dare chumps make fun of cheaters, how dare chumps offend the glam cheaters and their glam egos.
The truth is cheaters are fucked up and it’s the chumps that are far better humans, chumps have empathy and souls. What cheaters don’t get is they mistake kindness for being stupid.
Happy Anniversary CL and thank you for all the hard work and effort you’ve put into this extraordinary blog that unveils the rampant bull that is peddled by so many unqualified wacky no nothing so called “experts”.
Love this PF: “chumps are supposed to go sit at the back of the bus.”
And look at the fabulous changes that happened in society the last time someone refused to sit at the back of a bus.
I cannot thank you enough. My douchebag told me on Saturday (after gaslighting me about the affair – I had to wrench the phone out of his hand as he was deleting their texts) about his confusion, the other women who had nothing to do with his wanting to leave, his years of unhappiness etc…
I cried, I begged, I tried to convince him to change his precious mind. He left, and I was all set to do the pick me dance and dole out any and all kibbles to make him realize that I am worthy of him. Then someone sent me here, And I started to read. And recognize myself in all the chumps. And recognize this guy I was married to for 23 fucking years was not and probably never who I thought he was. And that just maybe I am worthy of myself. So. 24 hours after discloser I texted him (he went to his mom’s house) and told him to come home and pack. I have been polite to him. I don’t give him the satisfaction of crying in front of him. Because I think he liked seeing that. I haven’t texted him and told him I want to go NC for the month. So what does Confused do? He’s been texting me! Just bullshit things he could text our adult daughter about. Then has the gall to end the text with ‘I miss everybody’. Yeah. If it had not been for your blog I would be lapping that shit sandwich up right now. I would be full of hope that he just might PICK ME!! Yay me!
I know better now. You and all the chumps out there who have shared their experiences and mistakes (wreckinciliation indeed) have saved me from going down the same path. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Chump Lady. You have saved my sanity.
Fuck Him!!! CalmAfterStorm follow these wise women to the letter. It is the key to the disordered play book. You are mighty! Congrats CL! You are helping catch shit early in peoples lives now. So awesome.
…and men. Sorry there are wise men here too.
Thanks for sharing, calmafterstorm — you are mighty! A lot of us, myself included, get the NC advice and struggle to take it. We don’t act, we over analyze and stay stuck. The beauty of CN is it’s a thousand reasoned voices warning you, and protecting you, because we’ve LIVED it.
You’ve GOT this. Stay strong! I’m sure he’ll circle back for kibbles.
I’ve been quite triggered recently; although I’ve gone NC, PreyingMantis is trying to friend family members on FB that weren’t already connected, staying buddy-buddy with ex-housemates (and of course, offering to do repairs at their new place which is near to my place instead of visitation with kid) (since PreyingMantis lives in another time zone, this tends to raise ones’ eyebrows), and sending flowers/kissing up to people who were [past tense emphasized] kind of in my social circle. I’ve read The Gift of Fear, so I know that this is proof that I’ve clamped down hard enough on the NC that PreyingMantis is using any avenue left to keep tabs on me and to get whatever information is available. I was discarded when I was no longer of use, yet I must still be monitored and controlled if possible. Smells as much like sociopath as it does narcissist to me! I know that eventually, if the kibble supply is completely cut off, PreyingMantis will lose interest/find another target/get run over by a herd of rabid wildebeest. The whole circle back for more kibble maneuver is tiresome and stressing me out; but thanks to the knowledge base here, it’s predictable and all I have left to do is just lay low and wait. That future Meh Tuesday can’t come soon enough.
I’m sorry. Sunny, that’s what they do. They check on you. Make it look less like stalking if they can. You won’t talk to them, but they really do care, blah, blah, blah. That is nonsense. They want to monitor your activity. Just say NO. Tell your mutuals that you won’t appreciate any shared information and no, you definitely won’t be seeing the shitbag if he is in the area, even if he implied that you were still friends. This is HOOVERING. Don’t go there.
Calmafterstorm – You are doing great! Keep it up and show your mightiness!!
First – CONGRATS, TRACY!! You’re so amazing, and have done good for Chumps all around the globe. Talk about making a positive impact! That’s you, chick! Massive respect and appreciation for all you do, and who you are. And, that sweet pic is you at four, with your ass-kicking boots on! Woot!
Ohmigosh, Calmafterstorm – I’m so sorry this happened, and so recently; however, I’m SOOoooOOO glad you found Chump Lady’s site. I found her one year after my own 23-year waste-of-time ended. Tracy’s insight, direction, and invitation for us to claim Chumpdom in this type of forum is actually as empowering as other therapies you can pay for. Here, it’ safe, and we can own what was done to us, what we did wrong or right after DDay, and what we’ve done to heal ourselves and our children and in very mighty ways. Stay here with us, and with CL. You’ve made mightier moves than I was able to for 8 months post DDay, and that is time that I wish I could have back. Wasn’t 23 years enough waste of my authentic love, care, trust, and youth? Nope. Not for legitimate assholes it’s not.
You’re on your way to something, and remember that ANYTHING is better than being tethered to a massive douchebag who is vile enough to treat you like he did. You stopped the bleeding. Now the healing can begin, and this site has some of the healing balm you’ll need on this journey. Warmth and (((hugs))), girl.
Congratulations! CL and CN has been so helpful to me in my recovery. I’m only about a year out and I couldn’t have gotten this far with you and yawl. I can actually enjoy myself without thinking about my ex-cheater and all those tainted memories. Couldn’t have done it alone. Thanks Tracy!
Happy birthday to a true hero. You saved my life, and I’m sure that of thousands of others.
In the words of my mother, “Chumplady deserves a hug and a Nobel Prize.”
Not given in Switzerland
LOL!! 😀
^^ This!!
Happy anniversary! So glad your blog was around when I was in RIC hell. It likely would have taken *years* longer for me to climb out of the hell-hole, without your blog and snark.
Congrats! Your book changed my life. Your book was the only resource I found that told me the truth. You told me to have self respect and to stop trying to win back a sparkly pile of dog shit. My life is hard, but it’s better now, because it’s real. Thank you.
Congratulations and a big thank you for being the one who voices the truth and shines a light on the soul-destroyers among us. You have guts. You have savvy. You have self-awareness sensibilities. You have practical solutions. And you have a place where we can all share, compare, and learn. Well done for initiating the source of ‘cheater kryptonite’!
Thank you Tracey – you made sense of it all – you let us know our enemy.
MY UPDATE: four years on from DDay at which point I had no self-esteem left, depression and anxiety it slowly, slowly, slowly got better. I got top lawyers, got custody of the money (he’s still paying for his mistakes) have never felt so happy and free, started my own business. Now have just started dating again. Me and kids SO GLAD HE’S GONE.
God bless you Chump Lady and all my fellow Chumps. We Are Might.
Happy Blogaversary! Even those several years out from DDays and divorce from our cheater Exholes have benefited from this site. It gets us to finally stop trying to unravel the skein and realise it WASNT US that was the problem. It helps us open up our minds to that, which helps us truly open up our hearts again.
Thanks Chump Lady and Chump Nation!
I am so grateful for you Chump Lady and all of Chump Nation for helping me find my hibernating resiliency.
I found Chump Lady after I was already divorced. I was quickly reaffirmed with knowledge – as knowledge is power for the path of recovery. This site helped to reawaken my resiliency that empowered me to continue to point in the right direction in life – all that is left is to start walking…this is how I found Meh. Love you all!
Happy blog-aversery! This blog is so powerful and helpful. I think that the thing it really provides for us chumps (that a lot of Switzerland friends and my first therapist didn’t) is validation. The things these cheaters do are not normal. They are personality disordered and sociopathic with no conscience or ability to bond with other humans. Thanks for providing that for me and so many others. It is immensely helpful on the road to meh.
Congratulations! Thank God for you and the strength you have had to voice the truth. Thank you for hanging on through the” red” times.(Ouch). I have only known your writing for a short time. Since February. Wish it would have been December 2012.
Keep up the fight against mindfuckery!!!
Cross your fingers and say your prayers that my divorce process doesn’t linger to the 4 year anniversary mark.
Congratulations and thank you so very much, if it weren’t for you and our fellow chumps I’d still be in the throes of mindfuckery and despair.
Finding your blog saved my sanity and probably my soul.
Xoxo to you Tracey and all of Chump Nation….
My “benevolent cheater” (so he thinks) said over and over, justifying his “new” wuv, “A door opened” … It wasn’t his fault … a door opened and he had to walk through it to discover what was on the other side, but he’d be back if he didn’t wike it. And I fell for it … I thought he’d come back through the door.
Your blog has taught me now what I needed to know then, that when he says, “A door opened”, the response needs to be, “Well, close it on your way out.” And the potty-mouthed version? “It ain’t the door that opened; it was her legs, and her wallet.”
Thank you, Tracy, for exposing the bullshit. You are a lifesaver.
“It ain’t the door that opened; it was her legs, and her wallet.”
THIS. THIS!!!!! <3 you so much for spittin' the truth!
“Well, close it on your way out.” Brilliant Champ, stay Mighty :)!
Well done CL.
I found your blog purely by chance and but for you I would have continued the mortifying pick me dance and eaten many more shit sandwiches.I cringe when I think of how I was before your insights filtered in to my bewildered brain.
Thanks for pointing me towards the road to meh.
Thank you thank you thank you for being the best therapy. Thank you for hand painting the road signs to Meh.
I appreciate CL and CNation for providing a point of view that counter’s the “traditional” RI advice that IMO is so destructive. Forgive and forget, blame the spouse, pretend it didn’t happen — it was just a fun filled frolic to offer a little variety to the sex starved lonely wayward spouse — all those points of view are being debunked, not just for infidelity, but for alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling/shopping addictions, and on and on.
Whether you are religious or not, if you examine the 10 commandments which serve as a foundation in the Judeo-Christian faith(s) as a guide to living a healthy life, it is hard to argue with the boundaries. Although I am not familiar with all other world religions, it seems to me their religious tracts would likely express some type of similar guidelines. It is not hard to see that the community would be better off if its members did not lie, cheat, steal, or kill each other, and if they treated their families with honor and respect. We may never achieve this utopia, and I do not pretend that I don’t struggle with some of the guidelines myself, but respecting them and trying to live in this manner is what sustains us as a society. We may all fail to various degrees, but talking about it realistically, and refusing to live a life of duplicity is so important. The faith itself is recognizing a higher power — acknowledging that no one can live entirely on their own power, that we all need help. Chump Nation strips away the lies about what happens to the spouse and children, our testimonies belie the fantasy that affairs are just recreational sex outside the bounds of marriage. Most of us have tried to reconcile — the stories of the failures are epic. Usually, all we accomplish is to allow further damage to our own futures, and that of our children. I have trouble understanding those who attack Chump Lady and Chump Nation — why are they so afraid of the opinions and stories told here? Are they so insecure that they cannot stand an opposing point of view to their own choice to try to “reconcile”? Are they so afraid that if they establish boundaries to live by and with that the “wayward spouse” will not be able to live within those boundaries, and they will be “alone”? Then what do they say? Then what do they do?
Personally, I feel that if that works for them, then great. Odds are, it’s not going to work. If they are working with a Cluster B disordered wank of a person — they best have all the facts they can find to keep the disordered one from destroying them. I wish I had known more about alcoholism and narcissism before I became an adult and before I married. At least I would have been warned. The learning process is a slow and painful journey up a very steep hill, especially when you are deluded by FOO traditions and RI “wisdom”. Thank you Chump Lady for being courageous enough to stand up and tell the truth. Happy Birthday to your Blog!