There was an interesting side discussion the other day on Chump Lady about the difference between niceness and kindness. Many people noted that their cheaters appeared to much of the world as “nice people,” but in point of fact, lacked kindness. (Sure, it’s an understatement to say that cheating is unkind.) Now, I don’t want […]
Cheater Exceptionalism
“Marn” submitted this delicious nugget of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say: “I live outside the boxes that others live in. I’m not like other people. I am not limited that way. I am not defined by society’s rules.” Raise your hand if you had a Maverick Cheater, unlimited by the constraints of society. Esther Perel has […]
Recidivism?
I usually bridle at the reductionist criticism “once a cheater, always a cheater.” We’re not the final word on anyone’s character. While I don’t believe in sudden character transplants, I do think character can change over time — slowly, painfully, with a lot of introspection, and a shit-ton of consequences. As I’ve argued elsewhere, however, […]
Cheaters Never Trade Up — The Lola Doctrine
While I’m jetting towards Australia, I’m running a guest column today by CN member “Lola Granola.” Enjoy! — Tracy Too often when we are on the receiving end of cheating, it’s at the end of a long process of devaluation and discard. Sometimes it’s not –- sometimes we are blindsided in what we thought was […]
UBT: “I’m Not a Terrible Person”
Dear Chump Lady, I confronted my husband about his affair just before Christmas. He has been carrying on with a coworker who was also supposed to be my friend WHILE I WAS PREGNANT and continued the affair after I gave birth. I have kicked him out and am in the process of filing for divorce. […]
What Married Men Tell Other Women
Hi Chump Lady! I would love you to write about “What married men tell other women, to get them to join them in the affair.” Such as my wife doesn’t pay attention to me, we no longer have intimacy, we stay together for the kids, my wife is going through menopause , she no longer […]
“Our Marriage Was Already Over”
Here’s some one-size-fits-all cheater bullshit for you — “Our marriage was already over.” Cheaters say it to affair partners, “We’re all but divorced!” “We’re separated!” “Just roommates!” And cheaters say it to their spouses when they’re discovered cheating. Our marriage was already over. Well, yes, yes it was when you fucked that other person. But […]
Problem? Adult solution vs. Cheater solution
Cheaters often react to adult problems in selfish ways. CN member Chris described the issue this way: PROBLEM: My wife and I argue often, mostly over financial matters. ADULT SOLUTION: From now on, we’re going to keep a closer eye on our finances, cutting costs where we can. We’re also going to work to improve […]
One Off Cheaters versus Serial Cheaters?
Dear Chump Lady, I was wondering about serial versus (presumably) one-off cheaters. I know they both suck. But it’s hard if your cheater only cheated (again, presumably… because they lie through their teeth to get one up on you) once. Versus the “bad guys” who cheated all the time. Do you know what I mean? Like, […]
Dear Chump Lady, In our bed? WTF?
Dear Chump Lady, I would love to hear your take on this: When my former significant other was sneaking around behind my back having her affair, she would wait until I went out of town and then invite her affair partner, (from another country!), to book a flight and spend time with her in our house, […]
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