ChumpLady.com

Leave a cheater, gain a life

He’s Sketchy, But Is He Cheating?

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Dear Chump Lady, I’ve been married to a man for 20 years. From day one, he has done some questionable things. Maintained a dating profile (from what I can tell, it never went further than initial response, aka “I hooked you” ego kibble.) After I found these repeatedly, he seemed to stop with that. However, […]

Is This Cheating?

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I get a lot of letters that go something like this: Shady thing. Shady thing. Transgressive OH NO THEY DIDN’T thing. Shady thing. I’m mortified to tell you this, I’m sure you’ve never heard this (editor’s note: Yes I have), humiliating thing. (pause) Denial, denial, minimizing, gaslighting, denial, bible study, denial, just friends, missing/stained/new underwear, […]

The ‘I Fail to Understand Your Hostility’ Mindfuck

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There is no mindfuck like the I Fail to Understand Your Hostility mindfuck. As mindfucks go, it’s Jedi-level mindfuckery. Oh sure your lesser manipulator can sputter some pathetic lies, or shrug and play dumb. The IFTUYH mindfucker, however, is one cool customer. Zero adaptive anxiety. Your inchoate rage just bounces off their wall of smug. This crazy […]

UBT: ‘It’s Not Who I Am’

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Dear Chump Lady, Can you please put this through the Universal Bullshit Translator? I do know what the affair did to you, and I’m sincerely and deeply sorry. If I could go back, I would have done a lot of things very differently. You were extremely negative and controlling (You still are), and you were […]

Why Gaslighting Works

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As mindfuckery goes, it doesn’t seem like gaslighting should work. It isn’t concealing the truth (lying) — it’s denying a reality you have actual evidence of. Gaslighter Jim: Nice dog you have there. Bob: That’s a pygmy goat. Gaslighter Jim: What breed is it? Labrador? Newfie? Bob: PYG-MY! Goat! Gaslighter Jim: I don’t know why […]

More Stupid Shit Cheaters Say

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I know I have a page for this, but why hasn’t Stupid Shit Cheaters Say been a Friday Challenge? The time has come. When I started this place, I naively thought I would catalog the crazy. More naively, I thought I would draw it. I had no idea I would get literally thousands of submissions, […]

How to Deflect Gaslighting

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Today’s How-To-Keep-Your-Sanity tips come from CN’s own Amiisfree, who sent in scripts she uses to deflect mindfuckery. If you’re anything like the average chump, (decent, law-abiding, a bit of a mark), you respond to mindfuckery with bewilderment. Maybe you sputter. Make a weak reply. What you probably DON’T do, is call it out. Amiisfree would […]

Dear Chump Lady, My husband is a marriage counselor with a double life

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Dear Chump Lady, My STBX is a marriage counselor, so when I met him (a couple of years after leaving a cheating and abusive husband) I was thrilled about the prospect of having a loving and honest relationship. However, after we married, I started to see a side of him that alarmed me. Angry outbursts, […]

Gaslighting — Who’s The Crazy One Here?

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Dear Chump Lady, Can we talk about the horrible act and effects of gaslighting by cheaters and how they try to make you think you’re crazy? My ex started fights with me deliberately all the time during the last year of our marriage and I didn’t realize what was going on until we were well […]