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UBT: This Isn’t the Real Me

March 4, 2021 by Chump Lady

planet narcissist

Ben submitted this glorious bit of bullshit from his not-terribly-remorseful wife. She’d like to set the record straight that the woman who cheated on him was NOT her. Well, not the core her anyway. (And if it’s just your genitals cheating, and not your core, it doesn’t count, right?) You’ll all be relieved to know that however difficult, […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse, universal bullshit translator Tagged With: Universal Bullshit Translator 47 Comments

Reconciliation with the Timid Forest Creature

February 22, 2021 by Chump Lady

timid forest creature

After you’ve been cheated on, you’d think it’s a pretty simple decision tree — reconcile or divorce. Choose divorce, it doesn’t matter if your cheater is sorry or not sorry, the infidelity is a deal breaker. If you choose reconciliation, however, the matter of How Sorry Are They comes to the forefront of the decision. […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, Reconciliation Tagged With: Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse, Reconciliation Industrial Complex, Sorry Not Sorry 222 Comments

UBT: I Can’t Remember

January 20, 2021 by Chump Lady

can't remember

Probably no other statement gets sent to the Universal Bullshit Translator more than “I can’t remember.” What is it about cheating that fogs the mind? (Did all that boinking lead to traumatic brain injury?) Here are some possible UBTs and manipulations around “I can’t remember.” I can’t remember. I totally remember, but I’ll be goddamned […]

Filed Under: Deception, Gaslighting, universal bullshit translator Tagged With: Universal Bullshit Translator

The Mindfuckery of Reverse Victim Offender

January 14, 2021 by Chump Lady

gaslighting

There must be a bazillion “How To Tell If He/She’s Cheating” articles on the interwebs. You know, the usual — new cologne, sudden penchant for 9-hour Pilates classes, weird showering habits, furtive texting, requires cavity search to reveal cell phone… But here’s the real clue you’re dealing with a cheater, and it’s not lipstick on […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Cheaters Decoded, Deception, Gaslighting Tagged With: DARVO, Gaslighting, manipulation

Does Mental Illness Make Him Less of a Cheater?

January 5, 2021 by Chump Lady

Hi Chump Lady, Your blog and book have sustained me since I learned last Monday (merry fucking Christmas) that my husband had an ‘emotional’ affair starting in 2014 and didn’t tell me until I finally made myself sick with paranoia and confronted him seven days ago. He has indicated that he’s not sure if he […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, How to leave a cheater, Trust that they suck Tagged With: Trust That They Suck

The Apology That Wasn’t

October 30, 2020 by Chump Lady

Narcissist Goldfish

The UBT lives on a steady diet of cookies and non-apology apologies. Why just this week it regurgitated “I feel pain” and “I have grown a lot” — self-pity and self-congratulation passed off as remorse. There’s a lot of lame-ass sorry going around. Anyone following the lurid story of NXIVM? Head creep and sex cult freak […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse Tagged With: Sorry Not Sorry

‘I Fail to Understand Your Hostility’

October 7, 2020 by Chump Lady

There is no mindfuck like the I Fail to Understand Your Hostility mindfuck. As mindfucks go, it’s Jedi-level mindfuckery. Oh sure your lesser manipulator can sputter some pathetic lies, or shrug and play dumb. The IFTUYH mindfucker, however, is one cool customer. Zero adaptive anxiety. Your inchoate rage just bounces off their wall of smug. This crazy […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Cheater Tactics, Gaslighting Tagged With: Gaslighting, manipulation

When It’s More Affairs Than You First Knew

October 1, 2020 by Chump Lady

jennifers

Hi Chump Lady, I have been following for almost a year now and this has seriously helped me grow some balls to leave my cheating lying ex-husband. It has been a little over a year from the first D-Day. We tried to work it out after and he begged me not to leave and he […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, Trust that they suck Tagged With: affair discovery, humiliation

He’s Sketchy, But Is He Cheating?

September 16, 2020 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, I’ve been married to a man for 20 years. From day one, he has done some questionable things. Maintained a dating profile (from what I can tell, it never went further than initial response, aka “I hooked you” ego kibble.) After I found these repeatedly, he seemed to stop with that. However, […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, Spackle, Trust that they suck Tagged With: Marriage Police, Trust

Is This Cheating?

March 31, 2020 by Chump Lady

I get a lot of letters that go something like this: Shady thing. Shady thing. Transgressive OH NO THEY DIDN’T thing. Shady thing. I’m mortified to tell you this, I’m sure you’ve never heard this (editor’s note: Yes I have), humiliating thing. (pause) Denial, denial, minimizing, gaslighting, denial, bible study, denial, just friends, missing/stained/new underwear, […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, Trust that they suck Tagged With: Gaslighting

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