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Reconciliation with the Timid Forest Creature

February 22, 2021 by Chump Lady

timid forest creature

After you’ve been cheated on, you’d think it’s a pretty simple decision tree — reconcile or divorce. Choose divorce, it doesn’t matter if your cheater is sorry or not sorry, the infidelity is a deal breaker. If you choose reconciliation, however, the matter of How Sorry Are They comes to the forefront of the decision. […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, Reconciliation Tagged With: Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse, Reconciliation Industrial Complex, Sorry Not Sorry 222 Comments

We Reconciled… He Cheated Again

February 16, 2021 by Chump Lady

The Unicorn of Reconciliation

Hi Chump Lady, I just finished your book… For the second time. Two years ago I found out he had an affair with a 20-something from work. (He was 56 at the time). We were married for 30 years at the time, and, things were great. We traveled, socialized, and had great sex. I thought […]

Filed Under: Reconciliation, Sex addiction Tagged With: reconciliation, Reconciliation Industrial Complex, Sex addiction 163 Comments

‘Why Do Reconciliation Bloggers Annoy Me?’

November 30, 2020 by Chump Lady

Dearest Chump Lady, Why does the Reconciliation Industrial Complex annoy me so much? I don’t want to name any names, but while looking for support groups, I come across a Twitter of an infidelity survivor who has done podcasts, books, you name it. After some research I find out it’s only been two years. The […]

Filed Under: Hopium, Limbo, Reconciliation Tagged With: reconciliation, Reconciliation Industrial Complex

Esther Perel’s Myth of the Good Cheater

September 23, 2020 by Chump Lady

So, Esther Perel follows me on Twitter. Which is big of her considering I told her to bite me. On the other hand, there might be something in it for her as she’s writing a book on infidelity, according to the New York Times, and is only taking on new clients “who have experienced infidelity.” Perhaps she’s studying […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Esther Perel, Quacks, Reconciliation Tagged With: esther perel

The ‘People Pleaser’ Excuse

August 26, 2020 by Chump Lady

Mindfuck blender

I used to see this “wayward” excuse all the time on infidelity RIC forums — the cheater isn’t a vapid, selfish, destructive person. No! They’re a people pleaser. See, she cheated on you for the noblest of motives — to please another person. He wasn’t a horrid man — the OW needed him. Unicorns buy this crap. […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Reconciliation, Sex addiction Tagged With: People pleaser

The Pretzel Logic of the 180

August 6, 2020 by Chump Lady

If you’ve spent any time reading the reconciliation literature, you’ll notice a lot of reference to the “180.” She won’t stop seeing her affair partner? “Do the 180!” He still works with his ho-worker? “Do the 180!” What is this powerful 180? It was a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180 […]

Filed Under: Quacks, Reconciliation, Trust that they suck Tagged With: 180, Divorce Busters, manipulation, Michelle Weiner-Davis, reconciliation

No One Is Entitled to Reconciliation

August 4, 2020 by Chump Lady

I know my message — “leave a cheater, gain a life” is not popular with cheaters and the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. I mean, duh. At times, I’m asked do I mean all cheaters? Shouldn’t I distinguish between the remorseful and the remorseless cheaters? Remorseless? My answer is leave. Get the hell out. Remorseful? Your odds are long, […]

Filed Under: Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse, Reconciliation Tagged With: Entitlement, reconciliation

UBT: Gottman’s ‘Reviving Trust After an Affair’

July 16, 2020 by Chump Lady

Yesterday, when we discussed Gottman’s The Four Horseman as an instrument of cheater mindfuckery, an alert chump sent me further reading on the Gottman’s. Apparently they were gods of relationship research and then seem to have veered off the rails into full blown Reconciliation Industrial Complex madness. I give you this sales and marketing pamphlet, “Reviving […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Quacks, Reconciliation Tagged With: Gottman, reconciliation, Reconciliation Industrial Complex

The Resentment Rap

July 15, 2020 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, It seems if people aren’t on the Esther Perel train when it comes to their relationship ideologies, they talk about the Gottman’s. The Gottman Institute has put out all kinds of info and studies over the years, and my complaint isn’t with their ideology. However I do get frustrated when people cherry […]

Filed Under: Anger, Blameshifting, Reconciliation Tagged With: Resentment

UBT: “Your Cheating Spouse Is the Victim, NOT You!”

July 9, 2020 by Chump Lady

Oh hey, were we talking about DARVO this week? (Deny, attack, reverse victim offender.) Do I ever have a heaping pile o’ mindfuckery for you today. Introducing Reconciliation Industrial Complex therapist quack, Dr. Robert Huizenga. A chump on his mailing list sent me his super special offer to Save My Marriage from my imaginary trauma. […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Quacks, Reconciliation, universal bullshit translator Tagged With: Dr. Robert Huizenga, reconciliation, Reconciliation Industrial Complex

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