I used to see this “wayward” excuse all the time on infidelity RIC forums — the cheater isn’t a vapid, selfish, destructive person. No! They’re a people pleaser. See, she cheated on you for the noblest of motives — to please another person. He wasn’t a horrid man — the OW needed him. Unicorns buy this crap. […]
The Pretzel Logic of the 180
If you’ve spent any time reading the reconciliation literature, you’ll notice a lot of reference to the “180.” She won’t stop seeing her affair partner? “Do the 180!” He still works with his ho-worker? “Do the 180!” What is this powerful 180? It was a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180 […]
No One Is Entitled to Reconciliation
I know my message — “leave a cheater, gain a life” is not popular with cheaters and the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. I mean, duh. At times, I’m asked do I mean all cheaters? Shouldn’t I distinguish between the remorseful and the remorseless cheaters? Remorseless? My answer is leave. Get the hell out. Remorseful? Your odds are long, […]
UBT: Gottman’s ‘Reviving Trust After an Affair’
Yesterday, when we discussed Gottman’s The Four Horseman as an instrument of cheater mindfuckery, an alert chump sent me further reading on the Gottman’s. Apparently they were gods of relationship research and then seem to have veered off the rails into full blown Reconciliation Industrial Complex madness. I give you this sales and marketing pamphlet, “Reviving […]
The Resentment Rap
Dear Chump Lady, It seems if people aren’t on the Esther Perel train when it comes to their relationship ideologies, they talk about the Gottman’s. The Gottman Institute has put out all kinds of info and studies over the years, and my complaint isn’t with their ideology. However I do get frustrated when people cherry […]
UBT: “Your Cheating Spouse Is the Victim, NOT You!”
Oh hey, were we talking about DARVO this week? (Deny, attack, reverse victim offender.) Do I ever have a heaping pile o’ mindfuckery for you today. Introducing Reconciliation Industrial Complex therapist quack, Dr. Robert Huizenga. A chump on his mailing list sent me his super special offer to Save My Marriage from my imaginary trauma. […]
‘I Have a Hate in My Heart Where Love Used to Be’
Dear Chump Lady, My husband had an affair during our 19th year of marriage with a person in his graduate class. She sent me a text message that she was in love with him and he with her. Of course he lied lied lied, but I wore him down until he told the horrid details. […]
Why Blame the Chump?
Dear Chump Lady, Why are these so called experts so rabid about blaming chumps for their part in creating a situation where they got betrayed? Can’t they just admit that cheaters are sick fucks? Ugh. I loved my ex-husband and he knew it. I did the whole forgiveness thing and he acted remorseful and ultra […]
UBT: He Blew Up the Marriage to Improve It
A submission here from “Deaun” to the Universal Bullshit Translator that was too fucked up to pass over. According to my counselor [the affair] was a subconscious way of blowing up our marriage to improve it. It was physiological, my brain enjoyed the dopamine. I’m assuming from the “my brain enjoyed the dopamine” Deaun is the […]
Is It Okay to Give a Cheater a Second Chance?
Dear Chump Lady, I find your advice spot-on, and I share you skepticism of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. I’m wondering if you ever could be convinced in any case of reconciliation? The cheater in my life’s affair wasn’t nearly as egregious as the people who write in — I get that isn’t saying much since […]
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