At breakfast the other day Mr. CL ran a spackle scenario by me. He was reading “Chicken Soup for the Soul for Couples.” Let me stop here. I said, “I can’t tell CN you were reading ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul for Couples,’ they’re going to think I made you up. Like you’re a magical goat […]
Dear Chump Lady, Is she a cheater or a muse?
Dear Chump Lady, I am am 51 year old male who has been married to his wife for 27 years. There have been four distinct occasions when my wife “fell” for someone else, three of them led to no sexual or physical intimacy. The one came about when she was open with me about her “interest” […]
Why Can’t I Say ‘Cheater’?
Dear Chump Lady. I love your blog, but I am on the fence about staying or leaving. I am in recovery mode. I follow several people on Twitter for and against reconciliation and today I was shocked to see the post from Rosie Joseph and Elle saying not to use the word “cheater.” Why the […]
Dear Chump Lady, How do I forgive myself?
Dear Chump Lady, I stayed in a marriage with a serial cheater/sex addict. I know I should have been out of there thirty seconds after the first discovery but unfortunately I just emotionally shut down ten seconds after that first discovery. I stayed and ignored obvious incongruities and lies. I stayed and became immune (or […]
Love, The All-Purpose Spackle
Anyone else notice this phenomenon? On infidelity forums, you’ll read a thread describing a thousand horrors and humiliations and invariably it ends — “but I love him.” But I love him. King’s X. “But I love him” (or her) means I can’t leave. As long as I feel love for this person, it cancels out […]
What It Looked Like, What It Was
Today we’re doing to take a deep dive into spackle. Chumps often put things in the best light — which can be a very nice quality. Take children’s art work, for example. While some may see a squashed vessel and guess “tumor” — you, the proud parent, see artistic potential, genius even. All the other […]
When You Can’t Leave Because You Still “Love” Them
Anyone else notice this phenomenon? On infidelity forums, you’ll read a thread describing a thousand horrors and humiliations and invariably it ends — “but I love him.” But I love him. King’s X. “But I love him” (or her) means I can’t leave. As long as I feel love for this person, it cancels out […]
How did you spackle over the incompatibility?
After infidelity, I’m rather skeptical of the old adage “opposites attract.” I’d advise just the opposite really — find someone in your own values tribe. No two people share everything, of course. My husband’s love of Texas, for example. Tornadoes? Okay. Scorpions? Sure! Ten-year droughts? Bring it! Rat snakes? No worries. Jalapeños? Loves it. Oppressive heat? DEAL […]
Poor Nigel
Last week this chump metaphor caught my eye — as the world mourned the death of Nigel, the lonely gannet on a remote island off New Zealand. Nigel was renown for his steadfast love of a concrete decoy. Apparently there are chumps in the animal kingdom too. The Washington Post reports: Nigel, a handsome gannet […]
What You Thought It Was, What It Really Was
How many times do we write “tip of the iceberg” around here? When faced with a D-Day, chumps never get the full picture. And, fact is, many years out, you realize “the whole truth” is unknowable with a cheater. There are skeletons you will never unearth. Meh is walking away from the shovel. But I […]
