Category: Universal Bullshit Translator

Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: ‘I Do Not See Him As a Cheater’

Dear Chump Lady, I’m getting my ducks in a row. Interested on your take on Schmoopie’s correspondence. I can scarcely wrap my head around it. …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: ‘I Had a Moment of Weakness As a Fragile, Broken Human’

Hey there, Chump Lady. I’ve got a few texts from my FW’s big apology day that may be good fodder for the Universal Bullshit Translator: …

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5 Ways to Decode a Non-Apology Apology

If you’re a chump you might have a hard time distinguishing between a real apology and a non-apology. Welcome to Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse. GINR is …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: Affairs Can Be Self-Care

Oh Bustle, you vapid little blip of clickbait… Of all the things you could choose to amplify on your site — world’s worse pizza toppings, …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: Cheater Wants to Get Back Together With Ex-Wife After 20 Years

Well, Dear Amy whiffed it this week with her reply to a cheater who was considering leaving his Schmoopie for his ex-wife — after 20 …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: The Heart Wants John Tory in Office

Happy Valentine’s Day. The Toronto mayor John Tory resigned the other day for schtupping a staff member and the Universal Bullshit Translator is here for …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: ‘Schoompie Wants the Scoop-y’ on Chump’s Dead Husband

Dear Chump Lady, I am not sure what category you would classify this event. In 2020, after 20 years of marriage to a man that …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: ‘I Like Me. A Lot.’

Dear Chump Lady, So, I finally left my FW husband of 27 years after enduring two years of mindfuckery after I learned of a series …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: ‘I’m in a Good Place Now’

Dear Chump Lady, So two years ago my husband of 25 years left me for his technician, immediately moved her in, got her pregnant and they are …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: The OW Sends a Self-Help Book

Hi Chump Lady! I wrote to you, detailing how my cheating ex got cheated on by his mistress and how karma, completely un-looked for at …

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wayward

UBT: You Encouraged My Wife to Leave Me

I get some weird mail. But perhaps none so weird as this letter sent to my Universal Bullshit Translator by John — a cheater. Yes, probably …

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UBT: The OW Who Just Wants to Help

The Universal Bullshit Translator just can’t get enough of supercilious, OW twatwaffle condescension. It’s like popcorn to the UBT. Popped fresh from Satan’s own blast …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: How Do I Handle the Death of My Secret Lover?

Hello from across the pond, Chump Lady. Been a fan of your warmth, wisdom, and compassionate but arse-kicking blog for a few years now, and …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: Bad Cheater Poetry

Dear Chump Lady, While rage packing FW’s stuff after D-day, I found a poem she had penned on a Post-it. It was in the bottom …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: A Million Dollars to Reconcile

Dear Chump Lady, I separated from my partner of 20 years after I found out about his porn and prostitute addiction. The FW wants to reconcile …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: I Am a Broken Empty Person Searching for Meaning Before I Die

Dear Chump Lady, It’s nearly one year to the day since ex walked out on me and our two kids into the arms of the …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: I Always Felt Trapped

Hi Chump Lady, It’s been since Oct 2021 that he left me for the OW. Finally, today I got an email from him trying to …

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How Do I Know When I’m Done?

Hi Chump Lady, I feel like I’m asking a stupid question, but at the same time, it’s like I don’t understand my own mind. Some …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: Should I feel guilty about 25 years of cheating?

Leave it to the Guardian to muff it on infidelity advice. Many alert chumps sent me the advice column by Pamela Stephenson Connolly — an actress, …

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UBT: ‘It Has Nothing to Do with You’

“It has nothing to do with you.” That single sentence was sent to the Universal Bullshit Translator. One Stupid Shit Cheaters Say cliche, so much to …

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