Category: Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT This Jesus Cheater Please

Dear Chump Lady, So my husband of seven years fed me the fairytale. Everything you would want in a husband he encompassed. He was handsome, …

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move on from bullshit

UBT: Esther Perel on Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’

The UBT can’t even. An alert chump forwarded me this from Belgian cheater-apologist-therapist-thingy Esther Perel: “Beyonce’s Lemonade: A Refreshingly Un-American Affair.” Un-American. Because you Europeans, …

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UBT: “Please Don’t Give Up On Me!”

Dear Chump Lady, Long-time reader, first-time UBT submitter. I’m a gay man and was with my ex-boyfriend for about 7 years. I need some UBT …

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UBT: “Infidelity is a lousy reason to end a marriage”

Dr. Keith Ablow, Fox New psychiatrist, where have you been all my life? You’re Universal Bullshit Translator GOLD. Today’s UBT fodder is this wacky defense …

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UBT: “I Made a Terrible Mistake”

I get some weird mail. But perhaps none so weird as this letter sent to my Universal Bullshit Translator by John — a cheater. Yes, probably …

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UBT: “I’m in a Good Place Now”

Dear Chump Lady, So two years ago my husband of 25 years left me for his technician, immediately moved her in, got her pregnant and they are …

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UBT: “A letter to my husband from his cheating wife”

Sorry seems to be the hardest word if you’re a cheater. Oh sure, they can say it, but for some reason they just can’t seem …

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Sweet Spackle Alabama

Anyone else following the Governor Bentley scandal in Alabama? It’s your usual tale of a politician having an affair with a staffer, but at least …

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UBT: “Cheating is a symptom, not the disease”

This Carolyn Hax column, “Getting past a spouse’s cheating requires honesty on both sides” has been in my Universal Bullshit Translator file for a few …

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deserve better

UBT Me, Please

Well, this doesn’t happen very often. A cheater submitted their OWN bullshit to the Universal Bullshit Translator. Yes. Really. This blog is absolute crap! I believe …

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UBT: You cheated for the excitement!

Today’s Universal Bullshit Translator fodder comes from SELF magazine. (Something narcissistically dunderheaded from a publication called SELF? No, you don’t say.) What To Do After Cheating …

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UBT: “I wish I could take it all back”

When a cheater apologizes, it can seem awfully churlish not to accept their “sorry.” After fucking around, at last they’re owning it! Chump hearts swell, …

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UBT: Our Marriage Was Already Over

Here’s some one-size-fits-all cheater bullshit for you — “Our marriage was already over.” Cheaters say it to affair partners, “We’re all but divorced!” “We’re separated!” …

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UBT: “My husband has stopped cheating on me after 35 years.”

Many people sent me this article that appeared in last week’s Guardian, “My husband has stopped cheating on me after 35 years.” “Kate Simpson’s husband …

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UBT: “I Didn’t Mean To”

Dear Chump Lady, I was married to a very lovely man for 15 years. He was “nice,” yet he needed parenting. That’s where I came …

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UBT: “In Defense of Dating a Married Man”

So here’s some MSN clickbait just begging to be Universal Bullshit Translator-ed this morning. A fluffy little piece of sociopathy by Shannon Boodram, sexologist, entitled …

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Dear Chump Lady, He’s come out of the “fog” and wants us back

Dear Chump Lady, I’m in need of a situational bullshit translator. My story is long and ridiculous so I will do my best to give …

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UBT: “Found Myself and Had an Affair”

An alert chump sent me this letter to “Meredith” an advice columnist, that ran in the Boston Globe’s Love Letters. In it, a cheater laments …

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not a unicorn

Dear Chump Lady, He “can’t cope with the guilt” of who he is

Dear Chump Lady, I was cheated on by my ex, for the first year I hadn’t any idea. There were 5 to 6 other women. There have been …

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glorious asshole

UBT: Married Trader with a Sugar Baby

New York magazine runs a feature called “Sex Diaries,” sort of like Penthouse forum but without the improving articles. Readers anonymously send in details of their …

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