If Cheaters Wrote Children’s Book Titles…
In homage to Mistress/Vatican Ambassador Callista Gingrich, whose impression management resumé includes writing children’s books, today’s Fun Friday Challenge is to craft children’s book titles written by cheaters. Talk about your fractured fairy tales… Examples might include:
The Monster at the End of this Divorce Summons
Winnie the Complicated
The 500 Dating Profiles of Bartholomew Cubbins
I’m sure you can best me, CN. Let’s give new meaning to “bedtime story”!
TGIF!
The LYING King
Winnie Poo Poo’d My Concerns While Fucking My Cousin In 100 Acre Woods
rickb89 that is a good one!
<3
Oh, the Places You Will Go!!
Where the Wild Things Are..
Satan and the Purple Dick
Guess How Much I Love You?
Satan and Ho are Friends
The Secret Garden
Chick-a-Chicka-Boom-Boom
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
The Secret Bank Account
“The Lyin and Witch are Friends”
The Little Dick that Could
Pussy for Sale!
The Secret Pussy
more..,
Diary of a Worm
Bitch, My Husband is Missing..
“Holes”
My ***** is Stuck (fill in the blank)
The Life Thief
Diary of a Wimpy “Husband” (optional word)
Cheater had a little ***** (fill in the blank)
What Do You Do With a **** Like This?
AP, Plain and Looks Like a Man (replace with Slut or **** )
The Life Thief
That’s what resonates with me. That’s what I’m having such a hard time dealing with. So many years wasted in a lie of a marriage.
I know there’s no guarantee I’d have a better life, but I would have liked to have the chance to have a healthy relationship and decide my own destiny.
Mr. Manipulation always got his way. Vacations, concerts, whatever. I asked him to take me dancing two times a year and he wouldn’t even do that. Jeez, I even went on a scuba diving vacation with him and our daughter and I don’t scuba dive! What a chump I’ve been.
“The Life Thief”
I understand how you’re feeling Giddy Eagle,
I helped X build his career, sacrificing mine, for what he called “our career.”
Never once when we were struggling financially did I consider leaving.
I stuck it out, encouraging and supporting X, never wavering when he’d become discouraged. I took care of everything at home while he traveled the world and became successful.
Today I’m left without a career, struggling as he enjoys a comfortable lifestyle.
Everyday I wake up feeling as if someone just slapped me in the face.
Hurt and humiliated for sacrificing so much for someone unappreciative and cruel. I’ll never understand how X can live with himself.
Yet, X does, and quite well.
Everything we did was what X wanted, X never considered what I might like
and neither did I. I was robbed of my life and my future, I’ve been thrown away like trash. X valued nothing of our years together. I put so much into making our lives special, holidays, birthdays, family get togethers.
I didn’t deserve to be discarded like trash, no one deserves to be treated this way. “The Life Thief” I hope someday they get what they deserve.
Typo. I’m Giddy Eagle ?, not Gissy Eagle
hard to top this one
First one out of the gate is awinner. I’d say we can stop now but I am curious to see if anyone can top that.
Love!!
Perfect!
Lol!
On the spot, Stacy! Cheater can brag for hours that he is Lioan (leo by horoscope) and is the head of his jungle. Pre DDay he used to always tell me (whenever i confronted him with blatant flirting or constantly on the phone/skype with “friends”) that if I wanted to be part of his jungle I had to conform to the rules. Rules for me were to shut up and accept flirting and all else. He even hasa lion head on his laptop screen. Confinced himself of being a lion king but he is the Lier King!
Long Time-
I have a fucking flirter, too. We could be anywhere, and the woman could resemble something caught in the drain- and he would fawn, coo, ask her about her tattoos (of which I have none- no judgment) and focus on her with predator like intensity while ignoring me.
He would then leave these strangers staggering tips, and I started going back to get them. Like tips as much as the meal. While he had no savings.
Mine too! He is SO NICE!!! What a cool guy!!!! Damn I was lucky to have him!
We have a neighbor who is overweight, obnoxious, chain smoker, rarely see her without a glass a wine and a cigarette (a Switzerland friend). This was before I found CL and knew what a Switzerland was and still in a thick fog of trying to come to terms with what happened. I was understanding and didn’t want my “friends” to have to choose.
I know better now, notice I said they were originally “my friends.” As they say with friends like that who needs enemies.
Switzerland neighbor called to tell me X had she had just gotten off the phone with X and that he’s such a nice guy, and just how sweet X is how he touched her heart, and brought tears to her eyes.., (all this drama over X, huh? I was confused) yes, X told her she’s an attractive women, he always thought she was beautiful, he knows that if she was single guys would be asking her out all the time.
News to me, then again, I didn’t know who I was married to.
I realizelooks aren’t everything but realistically this woman looks like 1980’s Rosanne Barr and is three times more obnoxious.
X is full of shit.
Regarding the flirting, since the cheaters apparently have some sort of ego deficit, who they are flirting with isn’t the important thing to them. The reaction they get is the important thing.
It actually makes sense that they flirt with trolls because no one else does so they get a huge reaction/payback. Other than servers, who might suck up to these losers to get a better tip, flattery doesn’t really mean much to attractive women. They hear that shit all the time.
Mine didn’t exactly flirt directly in ways that I could call him out on it, but he was always generally impressing other women in ways that bothered me but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He was always so attentive to them and seemingly empathetic, but not with me. He would send e-mails to old female friends with his beautiful prose when sending life updates that would always get compliments from said friends and leave me feeling left out because he never wrote me letters like that anymore (like he used to when we were dating). He would always leap to help out damsels in distress. He went to help a female coworker when she got in a fender bender. He helped out the neighbor when she had a water leak. He spent a week in another state helping out the widow of a friend of his etc.
These things always used to bother me a bit because I felt like I had to share him, but I never complained because that would have seemed selfish. He was just helping out people in need after all. Being attentive, polite and “empathetic” are good qualities right?
Yep, my ex’s favorite ‘type’ was the dumsel, I mean damsel, in distress 🙂
Yep! My unicorn did that as well! And everyone thinks “wow! What a great guy” barf ?
CTTL & GAB……..big flirt too and fawned over everything except me!
Once we were on a business vacation and he saw someone’s daughter that he obviously liked and he followed her all around the establishment we were in and then of course denied it later. Sick perv!
Another time on an air flight he fawned and practically drooled all over the male stewards shoes! Stroking the man’s shoes! Real sicko here.
There is so much I could go on and on and quite sure theres more I never knew of. If the sicko can do this in front of my face I can’t even imagine what he did when I wasn’t there.
That’s the point. We think by flirting so blatantly in our face that’s really all they do. Flirt. Innocent, right? And they do it in our face so we may feel a little (much!) uncomfortable but there is really nothing more to it.
“Why can’t you understand I am just this kind of guy!? I don’t do anything! Just flirt! Don’t be so uptight!” And it worked with us chumps. Sigh.
I read this stuff and realize just what a chump I was.
Mine did all that too – calling strangers, honey – baby – you name it. I told him it wasn’t right but I was told I was the uptight one.
God I’m glad to be rid of him.
IHaveHate – mine was a big flirt too. He flirted with women when I was with him, red flags, but I was to young and immature to recognize them. Then later I just ignored all the other red flags. Nicest person you can imaging to everyone but me. Got to where I couldn’t ignore it anymore especially, when I saw his text to another woman saying “I Love You Sweetie” and her childish text. .She was in her early 50s and sounded like a young teenager (she definitely doesn’t look the way she acts).
Think I would call my book “Two Faced Sam”.
*HAD!!!
What a tool!
I was gonna say What a Turd, but tool works also.
❤️
Callista Gingrich and Newt. A modern day love story, “Romancing the Bone.”
Best sellar, preview: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/us-election/9024510/US-Election-2012-Newt-Gingrichs-ex-wife-Marianne-gives-explosive-interview.html
Marianne cheated with old Newt as well so she can write a book, too. Maybe You Knew What I Was When You Picked Me Up.
James and the Giant Lie
The Lyin’ Witch and her Slutty Wardrobe
Harriet the Marriage Spy
Charlotte’s Web of Lies
Bi-Curious George
The Phantom Husband
Go, Dog, Go (no change in title necessary)
Holes (no change in title necessary)
Make Way for F*cklings
Where the Marriage Ends
Holy shit, nomar, winner winner chicken dinner!!!!!! ??????
Oh gawrsh!!!! My sides are splitting!!!
Bi-Curious George for the win!
Literally laughed out loud!
Bi-Curious George
Fucking hilarious!
Nomar – your talents know no bounds 🙂
Bi-Curious George is Mr. Sparkles!
A Hole is to Fuck. (When I was a kid mom used to read A Hole is to Dig to us at doctor office)
Hahahahahaha!
LOL
These are perfect! Thanks for the laugh
Bahahahaha! bi-curious Geoge!
Make Way for F*cklings! Hilarious. Can just see that parade of affair partners crossing Boston Common
Bi-curious George ???? This gives me LIFE
How sad that this is SO…..
HILARIOUS!!!????
CHUMP: “Make America Straight Again”
Bi-curious George for the win!
Hilarious! That would be X’s book for sure.
My favourite too.
Ditto. Lmbooooi?
I actually Lol’d in the office at Bi-Curious George
“How your Dad escaped prison:10 steps to spot a controlling woman”
“How I discovered my princess soul-mate and broke through chains to freedom”
Love it longtime chump!!!
Guess How Much I Use You
James and the Giant Penis
The Very Hungry Cheater
Alices Adventures in Wankerland
Charlie and the Kibble Factory
Charlie and the Kibble Factory ?? love it ??
Daddy and the Magic New Stepmommy Socket. And the New Stepmommy. And the Newer One. And That Other Lady
LOL!
very nice!
and and and and and is so true! They will never find the “one”
Lol!
Standing ovation!
Tales of a Limpdick Sociopath
(Tales of as 4th Grade Nothing)
If You Give An Asshole Some Pussy
(If you give a mouse a cookie)
If you give an asshole some pussy. He is going to ask for…
LOL!!
Headjobs and Prunedicks
The Very Horny Philanderer
We’re Going on a Whore Hunt
Harlot’s Web
James and the Giant Bitch
LOL Harlot’s web! This is too much :))
Harlots Web….crying i’m laughing so hard, that’s where my STBX got caught
Harlots Web though ????
Fun morning here!
Peter and the Whore
The Giving Chump
1 ho 2 ho, red sore, blue sore
The Very Horny Caterpillar
Narklestiltskin
Princess and the Purple Dildo
I like “The Giving Chump” even though it isn’t really funny
Narklestiltskin ????
Lol!
Oh, the Places We Will Go after I leave my Spouse and take all the Money
Diary of a Limpy Dick
Puss the Magic Pussy
Alice in the Wonderiousland of Bondage Porn
Jack gets his beanstalk sucked
Pussy in boots
Goldenballs and the three whores
Little red riding whore
Promiscuous Peter Pan
The ugly fuckling
LOL, DeeDee.
Captain Where Is My Underpants?!!
Haha, love this!
Grammatically should be *Are*. However, I known cheaters are pretty dull and not detail oriented UNLESS they are re enacting their favorite porn scenes.
Click, Clack, HO; MOWs who type and send Scripture
The Liar, the Bitch and the Marital Bed
How to Eat ________ (original title is fried worms)
Goodnight Mistress
And with no title changes, but a twist on interpretation thanks to our experiences as chumps we can give new meaning to Dr. Seuss’ classics:
Oh the Places You’ll Go
Hop on Pop
Are you my mother?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Oh no I can’t stop laughing. I will never be able to read these to my kids with a straight face again.
Hop on Pop…, so funny! I’m laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath.
Since he famously cheated, later his xw committed suicide, these titles make WAY more sense now.
Magneto: Spong Bob’s Discovery?
Parrot Detective?
X-hole and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Whore
(Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day)
The Taker
(The Giver)
The Lying, the Bitch, and the Divorce
(The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe)
Oh, boy! These aren’t mine, but I saved them for just such a day…
1. The Ass in The Hat.
2. Horton Hears a Ho.
And, last but not least:
3. Amelia Bedielia Changes the Locks.
love the Amelia Bedelia title!
Horton Hears a Ho….
Love It!
Twu Luv
Sperminator and Cumzilla
He Ain’t your Uncle
Snow White and the seven bottles of whiskey
Groin Grooming and backseat love language
Deny…Deny….Deny and finding your Truth
I don’t know who’s underwear it is!!!
Just friends and The Importance of Kegel Exercise
My Soulmate and Secret Cell Phone
Brazilian wax and the Book Club
Anal sex for Dummies
Soul mates for Dummies
That ain’t a Banana!!
Tight White Pants
When Ashely Madison met Harry
“When Ashley Madison Met Harry”
Hilarious PF!
Learn how to talk Good
The art of Emoji’s when your thumbs are sore
Sexy giggling and talking good grammar lessons
Your mother is not ” slutty angel 4U at yahoo”
And for top teen books, with some twists on classics…
Lord of the Lies
(Many) Little Women
Gulliver (has) Travelled
A Portrait of my Husband as a Young Man
Lord of the Flings
Fuck Everlasting
The Old Man and the C
No Sense or Sensibility
A Tale of Two Titties
The Three (and possibly more) Musketeers
Oliver’s Twisted, etc…….
Love Lord of the Lies!!!
A Tale of Two Titties +1
I’m laughing out loud, good one, CeliA, I’ll never look at these books without laughing to myself.
These are all so funny.
LOLOL!!! I’m crying here!
Beauty and the Beastly Infection
Thumbelina-sized Dick
Ella Enchanted my Husband
The Twelve Brothers My Wife Screwed
The Fisherman and his Wife and Three Mistresses
Lord of the Unzipped Flies
???
Exemplary, TiredChump!
No Sense or Sensibility – that’s a slice of fried gold.
These are great and actually so therapeutic! No title…. just letting you know CL.. I think we should do song titles next week!!
Jack and the Bitchstalk
Goldilocks From a Box and My Husband
The Taking Tree
Nomar, Bingo! Skankboy is such a taker!
Perfect.
Goodnight Goon
The very hungry whoremonger
Diary of a limp dick
Don’t let the penis drive the anus
Snufflemuffy
I love you for now
Mavis, see below! We were on the same wavelength at the same moment! 🙂
“I Know You Are, But What Am I? (Adventures in Projection)”
“Goodnight Goon” – My Sequel
or “Goodnight Loon.” Either works.
Goodnight Loon. love it!
Chutes & Ladders,
Don’t forget – Goodnight Jagaloon!
?
Love this one, “I know you are, but what am I?” that was my marriage.
X argued with me on the level of “I know you are but what am I?” Perfect title for my marriage.
Gas lighting, projecting, making my life a living hell. I can’t believe I put up with so much shit.
Brit, same. X’s tit-for-tat mentality was off the chain.
I will never debase my values or self-worth ever again.
Meth and Jam for Francis
The Velveteen Penis
Nancy Drew and The Case of the Crusty Dildo
Horton Hears a Whore!
The Bernstein Beards
I peed a little at “Meth and Jam for Francis.”
Mommy loves you except when you do……………..
Fumbleina
Little Red Riding Wood
Muffbeard (Bluebeard)
Guess how much I love you (go on keep guessing)
Horton snares a Ho!
The Tart who came to tea
Beauty and the Bollix……………
Love, love Horton Snares a Ho! Brilliant!
I can’t come up with a title right now, but the “frumious bandersnatch” from Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky has a new meaning now…
That’s funny.
My ex husband is guaranteed to give me a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
“HoWorker’s Little Red Clitoral Hood”
“Wonder…(how I can get out of this one?!”)
I feel dirty ruining this book title because the real one is an awesome read!
Chickafuckaboomboom
(Chickachickaboomboom)
Or even better yet it could be
Fuckachickaboomboom
The Giving Dick
(The Giving Tree)
I was sad writing these as my kids liked both of these books, especially all of Shel Silverstein’s work.
I have actually always hated “The Giving Tree.” The book features the tree (which of course is gendered female) actually sacrificing it’s very body and life to a selfish wanker (gendered male), who even to the very end only thinks of himself and ends with him sitting his lazy ass down on her now dead carcass–lazy and selfish to the last. It’s like a kids’ training manual for chumpdom. The nasty boy learns nothing and the trees only purpose or identity rests in sacrificing herself without reciprocity.
I always felt the same way about that book. As a child I remember being horrified by the ending, thinking why would he want to kill his mother like that? It’s the perfect tale of a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship between a narcissist and a chump.
Me, too! I always wondered why I never “got” the message (and popularity) of that book.
The Giving Tree is about the never ending unconditional love from the creator of the Universe.
In my very very very humble opinion Shel Silverstein was genius.
Yeah, they were introduced to it in school..
I like to just focus on doing good for others as the message to the little ones.
Jojobee, I never read “The Giving Tree” to my kids for the same reason.
“Boss and HoWorker are More Than Friends”
(Frog and Toad are Friends)
Cheating beauty
Sleeping (around ) beauty
Little red riding whore/Ho
12 Dancing prostitutes
A tale of two cheaters
Great expectations (and not so great people )
The Princess and the Hog
How to Train a Traitor
Little whorehouse on the prairie
Where the Sidewhore Ends
Mike Mulligan and His Slut Hovel
Little Whores on the Married
Mike Mulligan and His Steaming Pile of Shit
“If I Did It”….
Oh, wait, I think that’s already a real book ???
Fox on cocks
Hop on Pop (no edits needed)
One whore, Two whores, Red crotch, Blue balls
The Cat in the back
Fox on Cocks ??? I can’t even cope right now *snort*
“Green Eggs and Cheating Apps”
“Diary of a Wimpy Chump”
“Love You Forever….(but I’m not in love with you)”
“Where the Wild Married Co-Workers Are”
Love You Forever (But I’m Not in Love With You)
Ha!
The Emperor’s New Ho’s
A tail of an emperor who shows off his new ho’s on Facebook, and all his followers tell him how fabulous he looks.
If you give a NARC a muff(in) – he’ll want another one
Jack- off and Jill went up the hill to tell a tail of
Fodder
The tail of an ex wife married to a serial cheater for 18 years, when the shinny new young girlfriend enters the picture, the haggard old wife is accused of being a gold digger.
Alphabet Dupe
How many letters can you put together to make lies?
And on a more serious note, send good vibes as tonight is my daughters graduation dinner with STBX, girlfriend and his narc-o-licious family.
Cloudy With A Chance of Fuckwits!
The tail of a serial cheater eating dinner with his wife (not divorced yet), his children, girlfriend and religious family who will want to bless the “godly” meal with a prayer.
Cloudy with a Chance of Fuckwits!
Harry Potter and the Narcissist’s Bone[r]
(Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
(no translation needed)
Harry Potter and the Half-wit’s Penis
(Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)
“Thomas Cum Ride My Tank Engine”
The entire works of Grim Fucking Tales. Such as “The Crystal Balls”, “Clever Hans” (the final sentence: “And that’s how Hans lost his bride.”).
And: The Little Boy that Could (do what he damn well pleased)
This is a true tale of the self-proclaimed Emporer. The Emporer asked his HoWorker whether she wanted to see him with or without clothes!
Mind Games and/or Sex Games
And the sequels:
Catching STDs
Mocking Chump
This one is a song:
Oh where oh where did my husband go?
Oh where oh where has he gone?
To add to the song thing, for the cheaters who pay for it, “How Much is that Pussy in the Window?”
Good one!
Variation:
Oh where or where did that little Dick go…
“How Does a Dinosaur Say ILYBINILWY?”
“Goodnight Destruction Site”
“The Little Euphamism that Could”
“Little Blue F*ck in the City”
“Boil the Bunny”
“Horny Cheater and the Chamber of Secrets”
AFFAIR ABC’s
A is for a fair
B is for betrayal
C is for centrality
D is for deviance
E as for entitlement
F it’s for a fake
It’s the book that writes itself.
Doingme, you need to start a thread for Affair ABCs!!
G is for Ghosting
H is for Hard
I is for Infatuation
J is for Jugglimg
K is for Karma
L is for Luv
M is for Me
N is for Narcussist
O is for Opportinist.
very nice!
Cheaters think that their book is original but we all know it is NOT
The Marriage Thief,
Hey this is fun subject!
Hah! who is also a Time Thief.
Sex Toy Story (ok that one’s a movie not a book).
The Two Sided Tale (But you only get to know one)
Love You Fornever
A Series of Unfortunate Events (no change needed)
The Habitual Truth Teller and Other Lies