Chump Lady Ages Into Another Birthday
Hi guys! Every year on my birthday I rerun this post. (I’m now 49 as of today.) I promise to announce the Arts & Crafts winner tomorrow. (I know I said Friday, but I’ve been out of town and need to catch up…) Feeling very blessed today. Thanks for allowing me a day off. — Tracy.
Well, I try not to blog about myself too much, because God, how narcissistic and dull. (Mommy blogging anyone? Does anyone want to know about my son’s travails with geometry?) But I’m going to make an exception today, because today is my birthday. (Cue Leslie Gore… “It’s my birthday! And I’ll blog if I want to! Blog if I want to!”…)
I’m 46, if you’re curious. Fairly ancient.
What does my descent into middle-aged decrepitude have to do with infidelity? Well, my 46th birthday is a nice reminder of my fortieth birthday, which sucked epically. And I thought I’d tell you about it as a little example of how different life can be post-cheater.
When I turned 40, I had just moved to a new state with my then husband for his job. I’d been married four months. We bought a 100-year old fixer upper house (with my money) and it had been badly neglected. A widow had owned it and hadn’t done yard work since her husband had died years ago. But hey, you know what they say about codependents, right? Codependency is the addiction to the POTENTIAL of things. I was still a flaming codependent. I loved the potential of this ancient pile of house and I was resurrecting the garden single handedly.
It was the day of my fortieth birthday and I ordered myself a truck load of cow manure from a local farmer. He delivered it, dumped it in my yard and I spent the day ankle deep in shit, shoveling cow flop around.
At the time — swear to GOD — I thought “I’m ankle deep in shit on my fortieth birthday. This must be a METAPHOR for something!”
My metaphor called me about six weeks later. It was the Other Woman phoning to let me know she existed. Turns out — surprise! — my husband had a mistress spanning 20 years and three marriages. No, I had NO IDEA. Remember, I’m a CHUMP. No clue. None. Zip. Zilch.
I had just moved to a no fault divorce state, financed a serial cheater’s career move, and bought a 100-year old fixer upper with this fucking sociopath.
How I got out of that mess is another story for another time (many miracles, many blessings, a lot of idiocy on my part — idiocy I share with you as trial-tested results of What Not To DO). The point was… my birthday.
My fortieth birthday sucked. I literally spread shit on my fortieth birthday. My cheater husband’s gift to me was a pen. (Admittedly a nicer gift than the tie-dye motif license plate cover he presented to me that Christmas). And during that weekend, unbeknownst to me at the time, he was off screwing his mistress. Cherry on top of the shit sundae.
What a difference six years makes.
Today I am so blessed. I’m remarried to a great guy who is truly my better half. He’s nerdy and kind and super smart. Verbal. Bright. A mensch. A wonderful father to his kids and a rock to my son. He eats too much popcorn and loves polka music. His quirks fit my quirks. I marvel every day at my amazing fortune that this is my life and he is my husband… and I will shut up now before you choke on my treacly, heartfelt, love goop.
My husband has been pestering me for the last week about what I want for my birthday breakfast. He is a master at French toast, and tragically for him, I do not care for French toast. (“It’s JUST LIKE BREAD PUDDING! You love bread pudding!” No, it’s not the same. French toast is a pale substitute because it’s not drenched in Bourbon.) I got a sweet roll and coffee and roses for breakfast. Swoon.
He took me out on a date last weekend and gave me a ridiculously extravagant gift. He put a pressed shirt on, and the man hates to wear all things dry clean only. He opened my door. He bought the fancy dinner.
I’m not writing this to make you hate me. I am writing this to you to say — YOU ALL DESERVE THIS. Everyone deserves to have someone in their life who delights in delighting them. Who gets honest to God pleasure from giving to them. Who will go to whatever effort just to PLEASE you on your birthday.
You know what’s sexy? EFFORT. Effort is sexy.
I didn’t know this until I was 42 and met my husband. I spent a lifetime in my relationships shoveling shit to one degree or another. I’m not saying <sniff!> no one loved me, no one bought me a pretty present. I’m saying — I didn’t know what reciprocity felt like. What it was to love someone who loved me back just as hard, maybe harder. Who if I lobbed the ball to him, picked it up and lobbed it right back. Who threw it further into the green, past me, so that I had to run to catch it. Who (damn him) is ahead on this birthday celebration thing. But I have a few things planned… his turn is coming…
Betrayed folks — do not settle. Good people who make effort exist. Go find each other.
Going to go celebrate some more. I’ve got a sugar coma now, between my prose and the birthday cake… maybe I’ll go take a nap… Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday !!!! Have a wonderful day being spoilt, loved and cherished. As you deserve. thank you for this life-changing and saving blog and for all the advice, pep talks and inspiration (and the sugar…..we all need sugar sometimes:-) that you give us x
Happy Belated birthday, Tracey. I don’t care to think where I’d be without you, this site, your book, and all of chump nation. I hope your day was great!
Happy Birthday, Gorgeous!
Happy bday, CL, and a million congrats on your well deserved happiness. You’re an inspiration in so many ways.
Happy Birthday Chump Lady!! I found you a little less than a year ago now, and I appreciate everything CN and you have done for me. Thanks and have a great day!!
Happy Birthday Chump Lady! You are feeling blessed and we have been blessed by your existence! Have a wonderful, wonderful day and thank you, thank you, thank you for your courage and for having created this blog for people who needed to see a different way forward. Love you to pieces!
Happy birthday. Hope you have another sugar coma from a great breakfast from your hubby.
I agree with what you said; “effort is sexy” Damn right.
Laziness & entitlement? Lack of effort to be kind to your spouse? Probably the un-sexiest thing ever.
Happy birthday! I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for your site and efforts, your generosity with your time and talents, and for the community you’ve built. I’m where I am today – 10 months post DDay – in no small measure because of the insights and support I receive here throughout the day. This is my first reply post to you but I am a writer and have had an internal reply “me too” to almost everything I’ve read here. I’ve felt loneliness and confusion lift. I’ve laughed (once in the Kansas City airport at 6 am) so hard I’ve almost choked (all I can remember was it had to do with the AM hack). I’m setting boundaries. I’ve started the process of lawyering up. Im healing from the PTSD symptoms I developed after D-Day. I have my kids in counseling with therapists who specialize in helping kids whose parents gave affairs, devalue, discard (there are at least 3 such therapists working full time in my community!). I’m dating and having something new: fun! Even went to the Keith Urban concert with the new man I’m seeing and didn’t cry once. H and I have been married 25 years and his affair completely blindsided me. 5 months of false reconciliation, MC, his love addiction DX, his relapse into daily drug use with AP (30 yo, barely employed, non-professional – H and I are very successful professionals- AP lives at home with her parents). H is 15 years older than AP. She knew all about me and our kids, and that we were in MC, trying to fix (haha, what a joke!) what H said was wrong with me and our marriage that caused him to do this. Gag?. H looks like hell. Has aged 10 years. I lost 25 lbs and look the best I ever have. My career is skyrocketing. My new sweetheart is gorgeous, kind, generous, a mensch too (yay!), funny, an excellent and devoted father and friend with lifelong guy friends. He is very successful. He makes me laugh. No cheating in his background. No red flags. This site gave me hope, not hopeium. Allowed me to begin to let go and move on. I cannot say enough about what a difference CN has made! Thank you again Tracy and I hope you have the best birthday ever!
DAMN — you’re only *10 months* past D-Day?! Way to be mighty!!! Glad you posted!
Yay for you Ally Anderson!
You GO girl!
It’s my 32nd birthday tomorrow, my second since separating/divorcing from my exWH that I was with for the 12 previous years. Last year I was flying high on the novelty of my new life and this year I want t curl up under a rock and hope the day passes quickly. I want to have hope that I’ll find that person someday too (no rush, but someday) but I’m feeling discouraged. I know I’m a catch so why does nobody else feel that way?
But thanks for reminding me to not settle, to have self-respect, and to hold out for somebody who is going to treat me the way I treat them.
The ‘nobodies’ who feel you might not be a catch – are the dicks you don’t need to be with. Devoid of morals and narcissistic.
Its ok to be single! In fact, its sometimes better – you have no demands on your time except yourself.
Kim, I know just what you’re talking about. Approaching my 2nd birthday since DDay as well, and my feelings are similar to yours. Take heart and don’t give in to despair (easier said than done, some days). We shall overcome!
Happy almost birthday! Not every happy ending is a new relationship — I think un-chumping means accepting reciprocity in all our significant adult relationships. It’s totally human and normal to have the rock-curling days. They pass. ((Hugs))
P.S. 32 is YOUNG. Really YOUNG standing here from the lofty heights of 49.
And from someone in her early fifties, (how?? when???), y’all are both teenagers! I wish I had my thirties looks, forties enthusiasm, all combined with my fifties attitude! 🙂
Happy Birthday, CL. Have a super day!
Happy Birthday Tracy! This is truly inspirational!
Yes! Happy birthday to you, Tracy! Your work, advice, and insight, along with the support and lessons learned from all the Chumps on your site, have helped move me from a blindsided 39 year-old on DDay, to a stronger, mighter, divorced and yet, hopeful 41 year-old (last month). I certainly hope by 46 I’m in massive love with someone worthy of me and my children, and worthy of my love and loyalty right back. Cheers to you, girl!! xoxo =D
Happy Birthday!
Have a Happy, Happy Day!
Thanks for all you do to help us get through the day.
Happy Birthday CL! I just hit 49 myself. Looking forward to Life 2.0. Thanks for all you do. Have a mighty, kick-ass day!
Happy Birthday Tracy! I discovered chumplady a year ago around your birthday. I am divorced now (!!!!) and if it was not for you, would have gone around the reconciliation mountain again. And again. You showed me exactly where things are at and I COULD SEE HIM FOR WHO HE WAS for the first time in my life. I am so so so thankful to you. I have read this whole blog 3x over.
Seems like yesterday I wished you Happy Birthday and not a year ago. Time sure does fly. Here’s to many more happy birthdays.
Happy birthday, CL! I first logged on to this site approximately one year ago (shortly before your birthday). Like Chumpy, it seems (to me) like yesterday!
Happy birthday, Tracy – you deserve to be cherished! Bless your fellow chump hubby and welcome to the 49 club (of which I, too, am a proud member).
P.S. Love your comment about co-dependency – spot on.
Happy Tracy Day!!! Thanks for all you do here CL! And may your day be filled with many, many blessings and much joy!
Happy Birthday, mighty CL! And may you,and CN never again shovel shit.
“Put down the shovel!” could be our rallying cry.
combined with the previous rallying cry, that leaves, “Put down the shovel and step back from the assclown!”
Happy Birthday (and remember 49 is the new 29)!
I am sure this is not what you meant but I am picturing myself holding a shovel next to a shallow grave, er mound ;O
It’s your fantasy, I won’t interfere ; ).
Happy Birthday Chump Lady!!!!! Thank you so very much for this site. Sending many hugs and I hope you have the best day ever. You are our blessing in all of this mess we chumps have to deal with. I cannot thank you enough for helping me understand what the ex and his followers are and also getting me to educate myself about Personality Disorders which has saved my sanity (well what is left of it-Ha!). I owe so much to you that words will never be enough. More hugs to you!!!!!!
Hugs and Happy Birthday, Tracy. I hope it is a great day. Just know that you have made a huge difference in the lives of many, many people with this blog. In fact, I’m willing to bet you have saved lives. Thank you for your wit, wisdom, humor, and that great big chumpy heart of yours. You are a special lady.
Happy Birthday, Thanks for your great site. Personally I’m turning 51 soon and 19 months after cheating ex wife split I’m finally just enjoying the peace and solitude without her mind fuckery I was too blind to see. Have an awesome day!
Glad to see I share the same birthday with such a fabulous and talented lady! 🙂
That being said, I do feel a little sad and down in the dumps today. I’m 39 and my stbx is with his coworker. Something that made me a cry when I read this is that if I were to describe stbx before he crumbled under the pressures of kids, career stuff and…eventually…the OW, he was everything Tracy described about her second husband. I miss him terribly—not who he is now—but who he was before he got a new job and met her. And on days like this, it’s hard not to get sucked into the vortex of “what if.” What if he’d never taken that job??? Our lives were simple and peaceful before then…
I know that it’s a waste of time to focus on those things though. STBX has a major character flaw and no amount of “what ifs” are going to change that.
Off to the salon to treat myself to a little pampering! CL, have a fabulous birthday! You deserve it! You’ve helped so many people!
He ‘crumbled’ only because he had a second life fucking the OW – not because of you or your children. If he didn’t want to crumble he shouldn’t have been fucking the OW then, should he?
It shows just how devoid of morals and pathetic he is though – fucking someone from work? He’d only have to take what, 3 steps to find it? No effort needed there, especially if OW is a predator-type. You’d have to be especially dumb to pick up a whore from work though – what do they say – don’t shit in your own backyard? Because if the relationship sours, with a nutjob, especially from work, you’re going to lose your job too.
Hi Mystique! We both share the same birthday with CL! Happy Birthday! Just wanted to say, I know how you feel. But the third paragraph you wrote, that’s the one to re-read. Soon, you’ll believe it more than you probably do now. You have a brand new year to recalibrate and refocus your energy. Sounds like you’re off to a good start at the salon. I’m headed there later myself! 🙂 Take care-
Happy birthday fellow September 25th chumps! Enjoy the spa day!
Best wishes to us! It’s a great day to share with both of you and CL! I’m getting my pellet stove installed in my little mountain home. It’s bound to be a day of ups and downs but being by myself is much better than being on the cheater tilt-a-wheel!
After that, my repairs (hopefully) will be complete for this year!
Birthday Hugs to you both!
How did I not realize this before? We share the same birthday! Today is my 40th! And I’m happy about it! I’ve been divorced for a little over a year now and I’m single and happy. I actually feel happy! I am happy and at peace. I have to say, even to be at this place felt so impossible 3 years ago. So I’m optimistic about my future and I don’t want any part of it to hurry up. I want to enjoy where I am and be glad for it.
Here’s to new beginnings! Happy Birthday to us both!!
Happy birthday Right Brained, I turned 40 two days ago. How great is it not to have to spend this day in a fake life….. I only managed to leave about 4 months ago, but am sooo glad I don’t have to spend my 40th having to fake gratitude for some insincere present and lack of attention from the ex.
I have a great night planned with 25 friends and going to have a ball, while my kids get some dad time. Happy Birthday Tracey, I will be ever grateful for you and your site
Happy 40th!!!
Happy Happy B Day Girl! If not for your eye opening, take no prisoners, trust that they suck wisdom, I might have continued fighting for my 35 plus years of fake marriage! You are making a big difference and saving people years of suffering. Hope you have some bread pudding today or whatever your loving heart desires. Big hugs!
Happy Birthday! Thank you for all you do here. Hope you have a blessed day!
Happy Birthday. I got older too.
PS. But back in August. Not my birthday. Don’t want to confuse anybody.
Happy Birthday ChumpLady! I am so happy for you! And I am so grateful that you decided to create this site for all us folks! Be healthy, be happy and keep writing! I don’t know where I would be today if not for you and your wisdom. You are one very smart cookie and you deserve the best! Party on!
Happy Birthday! I found your site about 4 months ago and am 10 months post D-Day. Those first 6 months were hell and I did all of the things you posted NOT to do after you find out your spouse is cheating – attempting to untangle the skein of fuckedupness, pick me dancing, unicorn belief in reconciliation, in constant states of either denial or hope – but now? Now I see the truth. Now I see the red flags. Now I see my worth. Now I see that this isn’t my fault. Now I see that what’s he’s done has set me free from a horrible person. Now I can be free to CHOOSE someone who is worthy of my love and that I am equally worthy of theirs. Thank you for opening my eyes, Chump Lady. I hope you enjoy your day!
Happy Birthday Tracey! Must be a good day to be born – it’s my birthday today too!
I’m a bit older (53) and way behind you in the MEH journey but I’m definitely on the right path.
Thank you for all the inspiration and a place to come when this journey gets hard.
Birthday Hugs!
Happy birthday! Boy, there’s quite a few of us. 🙂 Wishing you meh and many happy returns.
Maybe it’s that on the cusp Libra thing that makes us chumps…..??
Much Love to the Autumal Chumps!
Happy birthday ChumpLady ! Thank you so much for keeping this blog running despite your good fortune. It is so much easier to forget the bad times, yet you chose to continue to help people like us. Thank you for putting our misery into words, for seeing the humor of situations, and for leading us to better days.
I am a well preserved 55 year old who hates to return to the dating pool. Cartoons have always been my way to deal with nasty relationships. Alas, I believe I am going to draw a lot in the months to come. If only us ChumpNation people could have the means to date each other…
Happy birthday!!!!
Happy Birthday CL
Your kindness, your intelligence, your sharp wit, your communication skills, your commitment, your voice that gives voice to others, your UBT skills, your integrity, your strength and compassion is much appreciated by so many here.
Warm wishes for you birthday and many,many, more birthdays to come.
Happy Birthday Tracy! I am so very grateful to you and this site!
Tomorrow is my birthday. It is a sweet reminder to see how much I have learned, healed and evolved since my worst birthday – my 40th.
(Short version, EX told me he wanted to to think about “things” but wanted to wait until celebrating my birthday before moving out. He told me he was living in a basement apartment but instead was living with the 25 year old OW in a house they bought together. He openly told all of the friends he was doing this. However, he repeated lied to me because he just needed time to “think” and left me living in limbo. Fast forward to false reconciliation, lying during MC, lots of nutty stuff, DD2 to divorce.)
Hugs!
Happy almost birthday! Yeah, what is it with 40 anyway? I’ve heard more 40th birthday D-day stories…
Well, I’ve always heard life begins at 40. Mine changed for sure. No DDay, just a diagnosis of MS. Whee!
Anyway, I hope your having an absolutely marvelous birthday!
Pearshaped – (btw, I hate your name – just cuz I have the same shape :)) 40 was hard enough but I can’t imagine getting a serious diagnosis of MS at the same time. I was crazy during that time.
How in the world did this affect you? Hormones raging, etc. I’m so sorry you had this extra burden to process at that time in your life. Hope you are doing well, my friend.
As an old gal here at 59, if you think the 40’s go by fast…wait til the 50’s, then suddenly, out of the blue, you are looking at 60. I remember my parents when they were that ‘old’ and that’s when mom died.
If there’s anything we can learn from being shit-sandwiched on, I guess is – try and live the rest of this life with YOU in mind – and if you are happy, others will automatically be happy behind you. I wake up ever morning and lay there, wondering again why I should put my feet in my slippers…and then I remember, omg, I have an appt in an hour.
It’s really nice to keep busy when you don’t know what direction you are going.
Happy Birthday to all the Sept 25th – just celebrated my painters b’day today, who is helping me remodel an old house (1974) to live in . .
Happy Birthday!
I know I speak for all of CN when I say how happy we are you were born, and then self-born into CL, Tracy.
Thank you for everything you have done.
Happy birthday Tracy. You’re mighty and provide an outstanding public service! I just wish I could be as optimistic about finding such a lovely husband the same. Feel despondent on that score and NO CLUE how you meet people especially potential partners. Shy as hell and that’s partly why I settled before especially with love bombing stuff. But I’m sooo pleased that you have a wonderful life. You’re my inspiration.
Many happy returns 🙂
Happy Birthday Tracy! We are blessed to have you in our lives.
Happy Birthday Tracy!!! You’re site has saved my sanity, and helped me navigate this new territory in my life. I found you by chance soon after you established the site (lucky me!), and although there was nobody out there like you, everything you had to say resonated with me; FINALLY something made sense! I asked cheater to move out 5 months ago. He signed divorce papers, of all days, ON HIS BIRTHDAY! I didn’t plan it that way. I think it was life’s little gift to me.
I can finally feel waves of Meh more often than not. I can only compare it to the feeling of taking aspirin for a pounding headache; you don’t notice the moment the headache is gone, but at some point you do notice that you feel better, and because you’re so grateful to feel like yourself again, everything in life seems a little bit sweeter. Thank you!
Happy Birthday CL–you enjoy your special day as it’s so deserved!!! I too had many sucky birthdays with the ex narc until this year with my new man. It’s wonderful to be loved like you described!!! Yes, there is life after living with a narc cheater!!!
Happy Birthday CL, and many happy returns! Cheers!!
Happy birthday! Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your blog. You opened my eyes and changed my life, words cannot express my gratitude. You rock!
Happy Birthday Tracy!!! I hope it is beyond magical, rainbows, sunsets and things lovely. You deserve it. Thank you for helping all of us out of our darkness… thank you for being the voice of reason and truth. You tragedy has been the story of recovery and healing for so many. God has blessed you with a new life and new love. I have shared you with others who have been jolted into their new reality. You are doing a fantastic work!!! Now today….you get to eat CAKE…and not be cake for someone else.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You’re the only one who gets it.
Happy birthday, Tracy, you are awesome!
Happy Birthday to you! You’re amazing.
Happy Birthday Tracy! I hope you have a most excellent day. The sun is shining here in the Pacific Northwest and it’s a gorgeous fall day. I hope your day is full of sun and fun. Love what you said, EFFORT is sexy.
This blog you created is fabulous and you’ve helped so many people. And as someone mentioned above, it would be easy to forget the past in your happiness today. But you have given chumped people everywhere a lifeline. God bless you.
This weekend I’m going ring shopping with my gorgeous boyfriend. We plan to make it official next summer. I never dreamed I’d be here again in a million years. I thought I had totally given up on love after what the Cheating XH did to me. I quit believing in almost everything after that smack down. Cheating XH’s girlfriend (OW) now refuses to marry him and he’s had very scary medical problems and surgeries recently.
Wouldn’t that be something if I’m the ONE who gets a nice life after the shit storm they created in my life. Ha! Can you say Karma? I’m loving my life today and my guy is a million times the man my X was. He’s kind, clear of eye, generous to the max with me, and has never cheated on anyone in his life. He’s a chump too and I know his XW’s family and they’ve all told me what a whore she was to him. She had tons of affairs while they were married and he was deployed, all the while sending his pay check home to her. After she got pregnant by some other guy was when he decided he’d had enough. We are planning on a very nice life together. I got my man the honest way. I didn’t fuck anyone’s husband to get my him. That makes me about a million times better than the Skank Woman.
Whoo hoo, Syringa! The rest of us love success stories! You’ll get a ring this time that you can wear proudly.
Happy Birthday Tracy!
Happy birthday CL!
I want to thank you and everyone on this blog for being such a welcoming and helpful group. I wasn’t married to my cheater nor had children with him but what I’ve read here has certainly soothed my heart and helped me realize how to fix my picker. I think I got off pretty easy after hearing all the heart rending stories on here. Keep fighting the good fight fellow chumps!
Happy Birthday Tracy! Enjoy your day and thank you so much!!!!
You’re a beautiful person inside and out Tracy, Happy Birthday! I hope you have the best day ever. <3
Wishing you a terrific birthday, Tracy. I found your site months ago when I was searching for information on narcissistic sociopath (user) personality types — since I desperately needed to learn how to identify them and block them from coming at me (bosses, clients, lovers and fake friends – a frustrating pattern still in my mid-50’s!). I learned SO much from reading your articles and all the comments from brave members so willing to share their stories and insights. Thanks for all you do .. and for who you are!
Happy Birthday! Thanks for all you have given CN. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. Have a great day.