Chump Lady Turns Another Year Older
Today is my birthday and every year I rerun the first birthday column I wrote in 2012. It’s a meditation on craptacular chumpy birthdays, and what a difference a new life — and a new partner — makes.
(Not that you can’t have the new life without a new partner. This always bears repeating.) Fair warning: this post is goopy.
To celebrate my decline toward decrepitude, I’m taking the day off to go to art museums. There’s a Fredrick Douglass exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery I want to check out. It’s a work day and Mr. CL just got back from a trip to Texas, so we’re going to be low-key, but there may be sugary carbohydrates.
I’m grateful for every day I’m not living with a FW. Last week Sarah and I interviewed a CN member, Martina, who finally left a man who would cheat and routinely abandon her and their kids. But come back. Until she’d had enough. Post-divorce, she was rocking the new life, when four months into it she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her liver was supposed to expire months ago, but here she still is. Raising teenagers. While the FW moved 2000 miles away with Schmoopie.
None of us know how much time we have. Martina gifted us some of her precious time to broadcast “DO NOT STAY.” Don’t let life with a FW make you sick. Of course she’ll never know if the stress of his cruelty gave her cancer. Cells divide in strange ways. But that was her message: Do not waste your life on a FW. All the fears, and the worst happened, and yet she still finds joy in every day things. Her kids, of course. Choirs. Petting horses. Crossing things off her bucket list.
I felt incredibly inspired by Martina’s mightiness. I love that we’ve got a new way to speak to each other and share these stories.
Upon reflection, I could use work on my appreciation of every day joys. So, today is art. Back to regular programming tomorrow.
****
Well, I try not to blog about myself too much, because God, how dull. (Mommy blogging anyone? Does anyone want to know about my son’s travails with geometry?) But I’m going to make an exception today, because today is my birthday. (Cue Leslie Gore… “It’s my birthday! And I’ll blog if I want to! Blog if I want to!”…)
I’m 46, if you’re curious. Fairly ancient. [Editor’s note: I am now officially ancient.]
What does my descent into middle-aged decrepitude have to do with infidelity? Well, my 46th birthday is a nice reminder of my 40th birthday, which sucked epically. And I thought I’d tell you about it as a little example of how different life can be post-cheater.
When I turned 40, I had just moved to a new state with my then-husband for his job. I’d been married four months. We bought a 100-year old fixer upper house (with my money) and it had been badly neglected. The widow who owned it hadn’t done yard work since her husband died years ago. But hey, you know what they say about codependents, right? Codependency is the addiction to the POTENTIAL of things. I was still a flaming codependent. I loved the potential of this ancient pile of house and I was resurrecting the garden single-handedly.
It was the day of my 40th birthday and I ordered myself a truckload of cow manure from a local farmer. He delivered it, dumped it in my yard and I spent the day ankle deep in shit, shoveling cow flop around.
At the time — swear to GOD — I thought “I’m ankle deep in shit on my 40th birthday. This must be a metaphor for something.”
My metaphor called me about six weeks later. It was the Other Woman phoning to let me know she existed. Turns out — surprise! — my new husband had a mistress spanning 20 years and three marriages. No, I had NO IDEA. Remember, I’m a CHUMP. No clue. None. Zip. Zilch.
I had just moved to a no fault divorce state, financed a serial cheater’s career move, and bought a 100-year old fixer upper with this fucking sociopath.
How I got out of that mess is another story for another time (many miracles and a lot of idiocy on my part — idiocy I share with you as trial-tested results of What Not To Do). The point was… my birthday.
My 40th birthday sucked. I literally spread shit on my 40th birthday. My cheater husband’s gift to me was a pen. (Admittedly a nicer gift than the tie-dye motif license plate cover he presented to me that Christmas). And during that weekend, unbeknownst to me at the time, he was off screwing his mistress. Cherry on top of the shit sundae.
What a difference six years makes.
Today I am remarried to a great guy who is truly my better half. He’s nerdy and kind and super smart. Verbal. Bright. A mensch. A wonderful father to his kids and a rock to my son. He eats too much popcorn and loves polka music. His quirks fit my quirks. I marvel every day at my amazing fortune that this is my life and he is my husband… and I will shut up now before you choke on my treacly, heartfelt, love goop.
My husband has been pestering me for the last week about what I want for my birthday breakfast. He is a master at French toast, and tragically for him, I do not care for French toast. (“It’s JUST LIKE BREAD PUDDING! You love bread pudding!” No, it’s not the same. French toast is a pale substitute because it’s not drenched in Bourbon.) I got a sweet roll and coffee and roses for breakfast. Swoon.
He took me out on a date last weekend and gave me a ridiculously extravagant gift. He put a pressed shirt on, and the man hates to wear all things dry-clean-only. He opened my door. He bought the fancy dinner.
I’m not writing this to make you hate me. I am writing this to say — YOU ALL DESERVE THIS. Everyone deserves to have someone in their life who delights in delighting them. Who gets honest to God pleasure from giving to them. Who will go to whatever effort just to PLEASE you on your birthday.
You know what’s sexy? EFFORT. Effort is sexy.
I didn’t know this until I was 42 and met my husband. I spent a lifetime in my relationships shoveling shit to one degree or another. I’m not saying (sniff!) no one loved me, no one bought me a pretty present. I’m saying — I didn’t know what reciprocity felt like. What it was to love someone who loved me back just as hard, maybe harder. Who if I lobbed the ball to him, picked it up and lobbed it right back. Who threw it further into the green, past me, so that I had to run to catch it. Who (damn him) is ahead on this birthday celebration thing. But I have a few things planned… his turn is coming…
Chumps — do not settle. Good people who make effort exist. Go find each other.
Going to go celebrate some more. I’ve got a sugar coma now, between my prose and the birthday cake… maybe I’ll go take a nap… Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday! I spent mine in an art museum in Beijing some years ago, so I dig your vibe. 10/10 would recommend.
Many, many years before that, I spent my birthday alternately throwing up (autoimmune disease) and sobbing (fiance had just dumped me supposedly due to said autoimmune disease — I did not find out about then-barely-legal OW for a long time). 0/10 would not recommend.
Now I’m married to a seriously amazing dude who makes me laugh. Alhamdulillah. 10,000/10 would recommend.
May God bless you, CL. And you all as well, CN. Happy birthday to all those who are celebrating or may soon be celebrating. And for those observing Yom Kippur, best wishes for a blessed and easy fast!
Happy Birthday, Tracy! You took that manure pile and turned it into something incredible. You’ve shown us mighty, taught us how to protect ourselves and our children, and given us safety, hope and joy. Thank you.
Yeah, I just associate the manure with fertile ground and growing things.
And 40th birthday no less! I’ve said it before but my brand new husband gave me a belated gift the day after doing nothing for my 40th – a sample set of tea bags in a box small enough to look it came from the jewelry store.
Happy birthday!
Years ago I spent my birthday in an art museum in Beijing, so I dig your vibe. 10/10 would recommend.
Years before that, I spent my birthday alternately throwing up (autoimmune disease) and sobbing (fiance had just dumped me supposedly on account of said autoimmune disease — I wouldn’t learn about OW until many years later). 0/10 would not recommend.
Now I’m looking forward to my next birthday (insh’Allah) with my amazing husband, who in addition to many other fantastic qualities has never once made me sob. 10,000/10 would recommend.
Earnest prayers for Martina’s continued mightiness. And for all of us, CN. Wherever you are in your journey, hang in there!
Happy Birthday! And thank you for making a gift out of that for all of us through the sharing of your words and wisdom and the creation of this site and community. (How ironic that he gave you a pen 🙂
Ha! I never thought of that. Because I left the pen when I left him. But metaphorically I suppose I did use that gift.
Happy Birthday, Dear Tracy!! Thank you for giving so many of us these huge lightbulb moments about our former relationships, and modeling for us such a mighty and authentic path forward!
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday!
Thanks for the birthday wishes. Feel free to share your own craptacular FW birthday stories. Although I suspect I’m the only one with a mountain of manure.
I tried to share mine, twice, but kept getting “session expired,” so I settled for the really important part — the birthday felicitations.
Happy Birthday beautiful smart snarky lady! We love you!
“I’m grateful for every day I’m not living with a FW.”
Amen!
Same here! Happy Birthday, Tracy, and thank you for all that you do.
Have a wonderful day, Tracy !
I spent my 62nd birthday making the final move from the marital home. I understand now it was a gift to myself and try to remain curious about what life holds in store for me.
The Chump Lady blog and Chump Nation have blazed a trail which guides me toward healthier choices, so it’s possible I’ve been given more years. True fact – my hair is no longer graying. Almost back to the natural color I had in my forties.
Happy birthday, Tracy!
Early on, I got a cartoonish resin type statue of a wizard holding a crystal. He fancied himself a computer wizard. This was his taste, not mine. He was incredibly butt hurt when I didn’t fawn all over it. For his birthday, I got him a book (he was not a reader-I was making a point) and he raged at me then sulked.
I did not read the very big writing on the wall.
Fraudster never gave me an engagement ring, but over our 40 year marriage he periodically gave me birthday and holiday checks with the memo line “for the ring fund,” often for $1000 or $5000, already voided in red ink. I pointed out I’d rather get a more modest ring, or other jewelry, but he always said it wasn’t enough yet.
When he left, I needed the $5000 of my birthday and holiday money from my family, which I’d carefully saved in an envelope for emergencies. I discovered he stole the money, replaced it with cut-to-size blank paper, sealed it, and across the flap he’d written his name and his birthday from a few weeks prior. That was shortly after Dday, so I wasn’t up to throwing him a huge party as I often did. I took him out for a nice family dinner at one of his favorite restaurants and gave him a lot of gifts. I did hold a few back, but I remember thinking that I’d already bought and wrapped them, and didn’t know if we’d still be married at Christmas, so I might as well give them.
Yikes, goodfriend.
Happy Birthday to you!! Im sad that Martina is sick and I hope she has many more good moments.
My 40th birthday also sucked. My 50th was great.
Like CL, I also now have a great partner but also point out that partnering is not the litmus test for success. While my Cheater set the partnering bar very low (and thus it takes little to make me content) I reluctantly admit that I saw my new spouse as “the Perfect Person who would never hurt me” and hoping that someone will fix all your hurts is unrealistic and unfair to them. He is human and makes goofy mistakes like anyone else and needs the slotted grace to be human.
I advocate art as a tool of personal healing…I dont make much art but I have sought out opportunities to see it and consider seeing great art as a gift I give myself. It’s also OK if you only like some art to avoid that which you dont like and not have to pretend.
Happy Birthday CL…my birthday is in a few weeks and Im tip-going towards it because 1) the number ends in a 9 and 2) last year, spouse and I had a disagreement the night before my birthday that kinda ruined it for me and that can happen even in good relationships. It has taken the better part of a year, but the issue at hand has been addressed and Im learning that some people actually can act like civil humans. (My parents and first spouse not being in that cohort).
I look forward to this story every year. Deep in sh$t on your birthday. Been there. Happy birthday
Happy Birthday!! My 40th was also particularly awful. My kids were 3 and 5. I had just put them to bed and was in our dining room on our desktop computer and my very drunk husband decided he would start yelling at me at the top of his lungs while attempting to beat me with his belt. — he was actually too drunk to land a blow so I figured I had no evidence and never called the police (my kids were sound asleep through that whole thing thankfully). He later emailed me some vague “apology” about trying to change himself for the better. I stayed for 9 more years. By then my kids were old enough to leave at home while I hunted for work and that was a game changer. My 50th was MUCH better- FW was OUT Of my house and I had a distanced get-together in my driveway (covid)- the toilet paper I received as a present that year was MUCH appreciated lol. I’m in good health and hopefully have many more FW-free years left to live- I can’t WAIT!! I also used to buy myself tons of mulch and compost for my birthday every April- things have been financially tight, but in a couple years I hope to be in a place where I can be surrounded by manure on my birthday because I love dirt. I don’t have a partner, but I’ve found a good friend who is an honorary “aunt” to my children – it’s HER name that goes on my kids’ emergency forms, Not FWs.
“my very drunk husband decided he would start yelling at me at the top of his lungs while attempting to beat me with his belt”
GAH C48, Im sorry that happened to you !!
I have a shit story but it’s not related to douchebag cheater ex. My sister and I hadn’t spoken in 12 years after she moved in with ex #1 after I left. He wasn’t a cheater, just an abusive drunk.
Our mother waa diagnosed with cancer and had some early onset dementia and was apparently smearing shit on the hospital wall. I live long distance but sister was there and decided she couldn’t deal with smeared shit alone so she called me. Fortunately she’d gotten off drugs, moved out of my ex’s house, and owned and apologized for all of the shitty things she did. Our mom has been gone over 3 years now but she and I talk regularly after reconciling over shit.
As for bdays, all I can offer is the fact that cheater ex #2 always got me flowers for my bday, until dday when I refused to rugsweep. He not only didn’t get flowers, he didn’t do much of anything. It was a nasty passive aggressive fuck’s way of saying fuck you.
He thought I wanted the marriage so he was going to show me who was boss. Imagine his surprise when I told him we were divorcing….he proceeded to send flowers 4 times. I threw them all away. He sent flowers to my job and the reception called me all excited. I laughed and said that this is what happens when you ask for a divorce. There was awkwardness silence for a few seconds and then we both laughed.
The birthday after our divorce he sent me a fancy card even thought he knew I wasn’t that into cards. But he was so what else mattered? Fucker couldn’t even be bothered to include a gift card, then emailed me to ask why I hadn’t thanked him because “it was a nice gesture after everything that’s happened”.
Lol, I ignored him and blocked his number soon after. It was pretty funny, I forwarded that email to a few of my friends and we all laughed 😅
Happiest of Birthdays Dear Tracy………YOU are a GIFT to all of us in CN….every day. Eat cake, have an adult beverage, and enjoy the F.Douglass exhibition!!! This American historian thinks thats a great way to celebrate!
I invariably got a cookbook for my birthday (which is fine, but not creative, as it’s pretty easy to figure out what I like as far as that goes) and we’d go out to dinner somewhere. (In contrast, I usually got him extravagant presents, like a guitar or a fancy scotch. And the year that we split he got FURIOUS because I “never planned a birthday party” for him. So I planned a big party for his 41st, but he found out about it and told me to CANCEL it because he didn’t want it since obviously I’d only done it because he yelled at me about it and had never done it before and what about all the OTHER birthdays I never had parties for, etc. etc. So a week before the event I had to message everyone to cancel it. Some people were coming from out of town, it was going to be a whole to do and it was SO embarrassing. I couldn’t even explain why. FW celebrated his birthday at OW’s house, and while he was there, he told me I had “better not be home” when he got back, or else. So that was the end of our wreckonciliation.)
After we split, FW told me to “just wait” until my birthday because he was going to do something horrendous to ruin it for me. I guess he chickened out, because that birthday passed without incident. I’m still curious what he had originally planned…
You got rid of a bully. Congratulations!
My 40th was a blur. I was in the last three months of my marriage and though I knew something was wrong; I was still in hopium I guess. My Bday is 6 Oct, and that year on 5 September he sent me flowers at work. I was elated. He then called and said since I always forget your birthday, I sent it early this year.
My actual Bday went by un mentioned. Then a week or so later he asked me to help him plan a surprise Bday party for his best friend. This guy and his wife were also my friends and we did the couples thing a lot. So I planned and worked to make it happen.
I don’t regret doing the party because it was fun and it was a nice gathering of friends. If said friend knew what was going on, I think he would have been horrified at the whole thing. This friend and his wife were of the few who called me when the shit hit the fan to comfort me. Friend told me he talked to fw and couldn’t get much response; but he did tell fw that he was going to regret his actions. I doubt friend knew what I found out later that fw had been a lying con artist for most if not all of our marriage. I am sure the story fw told friend was sanitized to his favor.
But fw except for the first couple years of our marriage almost always ignored my Bday. The only time he didn’t was when his mom would plan something and he was caught. That only happened a couple times. I will always believe/know that he didn’t forget my birthdays, he ignored them and then feigned forgetting. If he forgot he would try to make up for it; but he never did, he would just joke and let it go. I was in my spackling years so I spackled away.
My 40th was 4 months before Dday and he was likely with Susan of Seattle by then. Suburban moms are supposed to have nice 40th birthdays but my humans did not get that memo. My parents did nothing, the neighbor who had been telling me that she goes “all out” to prank neighbors big birthdays with yards full of flamingoes or signs or whatever – nothing…kids, nothing. I insisted that we go out to dinner and he took me and the kids to a shitty place that has since been turned into a used car lot. Kids complained the whole time and the food was brought at 3 different times.
The flaming gun of Dday was Cheaters letter he wrote Susan on her birthday.
Happy birthday! Enjoy the exhibit. I watched the weather just now and saw that the weather is good for you too.
I do some domestic abuse advocacy volunteer work and always tell them, “You deserve better than this.” I know that some of them are truly going to continue to struggle financially for the rest of their lives, but emotionally they can be better. One of those gals recently took me to Taco Bell for lunch (what she could afford), and she truly is so much better. She found her calling in eldercare and loves making wildflower bouquets and sitting on her porch. Some of the best things in life are free.
Happy Birthday, Tracy!
My FW brought a cat into the marriage. Cleaning the cat box was just one more chore she failed to do – ever. So, of course I did it. At one point, I put an automatic cat box on my Amazon wish list. She ended up buying it as my birthday present. My only birthday present.
Happy Birthday and thank you so much for creating this place for all of us
For my 40th birthday, I got a new washer and dryer, by request. Because I needed them and so could justify it.
My 51st birthday was spent in Court, listening to my now-ex explain how he did not owe me anything (I supported him to get his MS and PhD). Maintaining a stoic face was torture.
I’m glad I will never do that again. Thank you for helping me to set myself free. You are a lifesaver and I hope you have an amazing birthday!!
Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday Tracy..,
I’ll share my shitacular 50th birthday gift. A BMW I didn’t want but he insisted on buying. He said he’d be insulted if I didn’t accept his gift. A few months later was Dday. Then court proceedings he requested I reimburse him for the car. He told the judge the BMW wasn’t a gift. I badgered him for the BMW and to get me to stop he bought the car. The judge said if I needed to find someone that knew the car was my birthday gift .. I thought that would be easy since all our neighbors knew it was a gift. They asked me to give them rides in the car when I brought it home.
When I asked my neighbors to verify the car was my birthday present, I was surprised to find out everyone of my neighbors came down with amnesia. No one could remember.., I ended up having to reimburse him $60,000.00 for a vehicle I didn’t want. I also didn’t have a job. Happy birthday to me… a birthday I’ll never forget.
Some judge. WTF?
The sheer malevolence and vileness of these FWs never ceases to disgust me!
What an evil thing to do to you! And the neighbours were a shower of cowards and all! Tossers! I’m so sorry!
Brit, WTF. That judge has his head up his ass! As for your neighbors, FW must have got to them and paid them to lie. 😡
My FW took his whore out on my 50th birthday. My “gift” was a dinner, not on my actual birthday, which cost less than the one he bought her. He didn’t own up to doing this, but I tracked him through his GPS after Dday and matched it with a credit card charge for dinner for two, so he couldn’t deny it. Stupid wanker.
When Cheaty McLiarface turned 50, I threw him an epic party. When I turned 50, I got a lie and a hug because I had what I didn’t understand then was a righteous meltdown, (blamed myself, telling him it’s just me overreacting. I’ll get over it…sob.) I found out later that he ignored my birthday in order to hurt me because he was upset with me.
Happy Birthday C.L. You and C.N. are a real gift. Inside the C.N. gift box I found confirmation that I wasn’t losing my grip on reality, support of people who are further down the path, and examples that I too can and will make it to Tuesday.
I turned 50 during peak covid lockdown. My XW had the kids that week but they came over for a birthday dinner. After dinner the kids and I went outside to play with sparklers. XW started texting me at 8:45 demanding they return immediately, then escalated to accusing me of deliberately ignoring her (because she is glued to her phone and cannot conceive that someone would not see a text for 20 minutes) and accusing me of violating the terms of the settlement (because she imagines we have a “back by 8:30” rule that she invented out of whole cloth) and threatening legal action. Note that youngest is 10 year old and all schools were closed for covid so they just had to roll out of bed and turn on their webcams before 9 AM.
Everything, and I mean everything, is about power with her.
Oh and I know it is not the gift that counts but the thought. But, that last year for his 40th birthday in July, I save and saved, and got him a 400 dollar circular table saw. He got me in Sep a bouquet of lilies for my Oct birthday as mentioned below.
Yeah sometimes it is the gift, because the gift is part and parcel of their esteem for the chump.
Have an amazing day with Mr. CL.🎁🎂
That story about Martina is devastating. Martina, if you’re out there, I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I don’t even know what to say. Words aren’t nearly enough.
CN, it’s true that life is too short, even if we live out our entire natural lifespan, to spend it with trash people. That includes trash friends and trash family as well. We need the people who will be there for us if we get cancer, if we need help getting away from a bad marriage, if we need a shoulder in hard times. Anybody who does not have your back has no place in the forefront of your life. They might be people you see occasionally, or even every day at work, and you can smile with condescending tolerance at their bullshit if it suits you. They should never be in your inner circle where they will have access to your vulnerabilities. That membership is only for the ones who have proven they reciprocate your caring. That’s the way I’ve looked at it since Dday. So that’s how I’m not wasting the time I have left. I’m spending it caring for good people.
Well said! I wish I had been taught that lesson as a child but my mum was quite abusive in her own way as well! She not only didn’t teach me boundaries, she actively refused to allow me to have any and punished me if I tried to set them! She was like Klaus Schwab, “You’ll won nothing, have no privacy, and you’ll be happy!”- she treated my things like they belonged to her, not me, so I “owned nothing”, she refused to allow me any privacy and by God if I dared show I was even slightly unhappy about it, even by showing upset on my face, she’d make me feel like the worst child in the world for it!
I now know this is what trained me into accepting abuse, of varying levels in many aspects of my life, friendships and work as well as relationships with men and I feel cheated of the love and the basic respect and consideration I should have had and deserved! I’m sad and angry about it but all I can do is learn and refuse to accept crap from anyone from now on, so that’s what I’m doing!
Now I only have 2 people in my life whom I can trust to respect my boundaries and to reciprocate the love, caring and respect I give them! These 2, my son and my best friend, mean the world to me! I love them to bits and treasure them all the more for being the rare gems that give as much as I do!
My FW has lost the only true friend, the only person who ever genuinely cared for him, he’s ever had in his life or probably ever will, because even his own parents only bothered with him when they wanted something- they’d completely ignore him the rest of the time, even on his birthdays! Same with his siblings and other relatives! All his so-called pals just used him!
His loss!
Happy Birthday, Tracy! I think your next project should be a skincare line. You’re seriously glowing and your biological age is clearly lagging by more than a couple decades. While some influencers peddle makeup, sunblock and exfoliators, I think your regimen of breakup, call-block and exhole-iators are more effective for getting that dewy complexion. Har, corny joke but true nevertheless. 😀
exhole-iators !!! 🤣😂😜🤣😂😜🤣😂😜🤣😂😜
Chef’s kiss on that one !
Sarah, my heart goes out to you.❤
Happy birthday Tracy! Thank you so much for everything you do for CN and the world at large. You deserve to be celebrated today and every day.
When I was in my mid-40’s, I finally left a 20-year marriage. Unfortunately, I thought all the problems were the man, so I married again. It was way too soon, and I had not fixed my picker. I, too, was addicted to potential. I wanted my “dream”. I wanted to be loved. I still believed I could fix things and people. Looking back on my life I believe I made decisions around milestone events, and many were around my birthday. I suppose it is a time to “measure-up” and not just by standing next to the door frame with a ruler and a pencil.
My birthday was last week, and I have been evaluating things again. Last night I had a weird, intense dream, populated by many of the people in my life who have let me down, or outright cheated me by not upholding their responsibilities. I kept losing control of my life and my ability to take care of my own needs in this dream, and I woke up scared. I think this dream had to do with my age, and a medical issue I have with my back, and I am just scared I won’t be able to enjoy whatever time I have left because others I have counted on have usually disappointed me. I must make a decision soon about my back, in order to be able to enjoy my life, but it is scary because there are no guarantees or certain outcomes.
To borrow CL’s example, it is hard to accept when you have invested everything you have and are literally shoveling cow flop to compensate for someone else’s neglect, trying to build a beautiful garden, and you find out your significant other is a cheater, liar, and a thief. It makes you wonder if you can ever count on anyone. I never found another mate. I haven’t been looking either. Most of the time I am absolutely happy with that decision, but occasionally I get a bit lonely and blue, and wonder what it would be like to be able to count on someone else. I get over these bouts of melancholy, and I make my own decision and gamble on my own abilities. It is a formula which has worked for me over the years. Sitting and crying in cow flop does not seem to help at all. So, I get up, clean myself up, and realize sometimes you succeed and sometimes you fail. I believe everyone deserves to be loved. There are times I’ve felt loved, it’s great. My bottom line has become to value the good things and accept the past for what it was. I am fortunate to be mostly healthy, and I am able to enjoy the retirement I have because of my own hard work, and preparations. Being able to be independent is a blessing, but it also scares away some people who want you to be dependent on them for your happiness. I choose not to be dependent whenever I have a choice, but sometimes I have to ask for help because I am not superwoman. Fortunately, I have found a few people I can count on for help. They know I don’t ask unless I really need it, so they don’t feel used. They also know I will show up if they need help, too.
All things considered; I feel grateful for the blessings in my life. I have accepted I can have gratitude, and I will never have certainty. Maybe that is the long-term lesson it took this much age and experience to learn.
Portia – I share your preoccupation with health problems which may, or may not, impact independence. I think this comes as part of living life as a caretaker to others. Hope the outcome is better than you expect. Wish there was a cosmic bucket we chumps could use to share our resources.
Portia, your posts are always inspiring. I was 67 when I discovered my ex lied and cheated (with men) for 37 years. My only marriage, at age 32. A workaholic and gay in denial who refused to do ANY cooking, cleaning, laundry, pet care, housekeeping or shopping of any kind. Unfortunately I quit my job, from exhaustion. And stayed until discovering the lies and infidelity. Resources may be scarce but I AM RESOURCEFUL. It’s the one thing I learned from my FOO that I need the most right now. So creating a new life at my age is not easy, yet now I get learn how to love myself. Forgive myself for not practicing self care. When I know better, it’s much easier to do better. Live better.
My birthdays are a whole other story BUT my ex planned and (we) paid for AP’s 40th surprise birthday party.
I remember thinking it was an over the top “gift” for a co-worker. But since she didn’t have a boyfriend or spouse who else would make a big party? Her mom? Her dad? Her siblings? All the co-workers together? Nope, just my husband. And my name wasn’t even of the invitation.
Only good news is that he is horrible at event planning. The space was too big for the number of people so it felt cavernous and the food was skimpy.
I remember thanking how strange it all was but still didn’t realize why. I didn’t even realize it was strange that he had to stay to help clean up and take her home after while I went home alone.
“Skimpy and cavernous”
Hmmm.
Maybe a perfect description of OW
Lol, the OW in my situation was more of the “dumpy and vacuous” school.
Dear god. They are as bereft of decency and shame as they are bereft of common sense. You are well rid of that one.
You’re so wonderfully innocent and trusting. In a better world, you’d be perfectly well adapted. You may be at somewhat of a disadvantage in this sketchy world but with a bit of people-screening and an increase in your personal “defense budget,” you can surround yourself with people like yourself, keep the shits at bay and have a much better life than the latter.
How low. And how loathsome.
It’s particularly cruel that he made you a part of this charade.
Brings it to another whole level.
I’m sorry this happened to you, and I’m sure we can all relate to looking back, and putting the pieces together… and going…
“Ohhhh.”
“It’s particularly cruel that he made you a part of this charade.
Brings it to another whole level.”
Heinous.
Happy Birthday Tracy! I’m glad that at least one of us found Mr. Right! I’m sure that I must already know this…but how did you two chumpy lovebirds meet? I’d love to hear that story sometime!
I actually asked for a composter for my birthday, which would have been easy for him to get as our village was basically handing them out for free in order to encourage people to compost. But did I get it? Nope, he went out and bought me “sexy underwear” (read “looked like something out of Playboy, all pompoms and crap) that was about four sizes too small (French women are generally tiny). Said it was silk (it wasn’t, it was polyester) but I took it back to the shop, couldn’t find anything I liked so bought myself a new table cloth. My birthday was yesterday and I can’t tell you how much I enjoy spending it several thousand miles away from that dickhead! So happy birthday Chump Lady and thank you for everything!
Years ago, I had a boss who I thought of as an affair waiting to happen (I have no idea if it ever did) tell me he got his wife a sexy nightgown for her birthday and she told him that it was a gift he bought for himself, not for her. You can bet I bit my tongue.
And yes, he shouldn’t have been talking to a subordinate about such things, but this happened in the mid-80s, when it was still the wild, wild West in the workplace as far as appropriate boundaries go.
Oh those pompoms were definitely for him (had they fit) – they looked like absolute trash!
Happy belated, Attie! We share a birthday!
A belated happy birthday to you too my friend!
Happy birthday Tracy! (I never met a fellow Libra I didn’t like.)
I left the Lying Cheating Loser a few months before my 50th birthday. Then my father passed away. So I was in Sweden, having just buried my dad, on my actual birthday. My best friends put on a fabulous birthday weekend for me. Rarely have I felt so seen and valued – and certainly never by a FW.
Later that year, I used my inheritance to buy an old house at auction.
When I turn 55 in a few days, I’ll be celebrating with my stateside besties. The life I’ve gained, as a happily single crazy cat lady and working artist, is better than I ever could have imagined.
Here’s a pre-happy birthday!
A very Happy Birthday to my heroine! Hope the art gallery is refreshing and fun.
My now-ex was consistently bad at giving gifts or planning celebrations. For my 40th what I wanted and asked for was for him to do the planning for a little family get-away to a mountainous area (I love mountains). Guess how much planning he did for it. Maybe about 1-2%.
Honestly the hardest birthday was this year. We were separated but hadn’t yet started a divorce. I just happened to need to see him and his mom and sister, with whom he lives (long story as to why I was there). It was just a couple of days after my birthday, and when normally in this scenario I would get a birthday dessert, cards with $, or a small present from my in-laws, this year it was all extremely noticeably absent. Nothing, nada from them for the first time in 29 years. Like in their minds “You separate from our son/brother who walks on water according to us? Then you are nothing to us.” My former sis-in-law gave me the full-on silent treatment the whole time I was there. It was then that I knew “This will never change. This is who he lives with now and I am sure has told many awful things about me – ogre, angry, stale-supply chump that I am in his eyes.” It was this treatment by his enablers that tipped me over the edge towards filing for divorce. It felt like more betrayal by people I very much love and thought loved me. I do not plan to be around them ever again around birthday time, and now I KNOW I have to let them go. 🙁
I did things ass-backwards and got rid of the awful in-laws first. Or they got rid of themselves by doing something so gruesomely dysfunctional that I had to get out a shovel and a crowbar and cut them off. In the long run it’s like an exorcism. You’ll see– the sun will suddenly will shine brighter, birds will sing more melodiously, etc. You’re just not quite out from under the dank shadow of them yet.
OBND, rather like HOAC, my ex-in laws 🎉 behaved so badly that it was a pleasure to see the back of them. To be fair to them, I suspect that the ex told them all sorts of terrible things that I had done to hurt him because he was very much the victim. Yours did you a favour by tipping you over the edge towards divorce, even if it doesn’t feel like it now. My dad died about 7 weeks before the ex went off on his ‘headspace week’ ALONE but in fact with exgfOW. There came a point 8 months later when I tried to reach out to the in laws to get them to cancel a magazine subscription that they had renewed after the split. I’d asked the idiot to get it cancelled but, guess what, he did nothing. Delivery of that wretched magazine every month caused me immense pain. It’s the little things! I wrote a measured note to them on the outside cover of the magazine. Clumsy but all I could manage at the time – I really felt that I no longer had the right to send them a proper letter! The father wrote back on behalf of both of them. It was such a cruel letter, only a small sheet of paper, but it caused me to spiral again. Their main criticism was that I had sent them a PUBLIC note that their postman could read! And the failure by my mum (recently widowed after a 67 year marriage) and me to send them Christmas cards when they had sent each of us one! Mine was a card supporting a mental health charity (no message there then) written: To [my name] from [their names]. That was it. Acorns don’t fall far from the tree! You are not alone.
One add on: guess who ended up having to call the company that managed subscriptions, explaining my situation to a very kind woman, who cancelled the subscription and sent the ex in laws a refund to their bank account, which I doubt the father even noticed (the mother wasn’t permitted her own account or access to the joint bank account). Yes, me! I was a crying mess. I had to use data protection legislation to say that I withdrew consent to my personal data being used to deliver the magazine to me. It would have been much easier for the father to have called the company himself, but hey ho, why make life easy for a chump! Much more fun for sadists to game play.
Dearest Sarah, I’m profoundly sorry to hear this. I have no doubt domestic abuse wrecks the body’s resistance to many things. I pray for safety, peace and healing for you and everyone who’s been vampired by psychopaths. {{{{{{ }}}}}}
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday Tracy! Enjoy your day.
For some inexplicable reason, birthdays were always super important to my dear xH. Especially his own, and those of his APs.
Our final D Day was in April, our wedding anniversary was in June, and his birthday was in July. We lived together in the same apartment until October. Of course, I did nothing to celebrate our wedding anniversary – except attend my individual therapy session. I also planned to do nothing for his birthday. Big mistake on my part.
He threw such a hissy fit. Didn’t I know how important his birthday was to him? How could I be so callous as to plan absolutely nothing to commemorate his 61st birthday? This 61 year old man carried on like he was a randy 16 year old teen boy, fucked around, lied, and manipulated me…yet still expected a birthday bash while I was mourning the loss of my marriage and the future I had imagined for us. Guess my emotional state didn’t matter. I was not being a good husband appliance. I was malfunctioning.
I was still angling for a decent settlement from him (I did not want him to totally bleed me dry in the Separation Agreement as I made considerably more money than him), so I played nice. I made him a nice steak dinner and baked him a chocolate cake. I didn’t even spit in it. What did I get for my efforts?
Sulking throughout dinner with barely a word out of him. And oh yeah…a flash of his dead cold eyes (I recall thinking of it as his lizard eye look). Like looking into the abyss. Nothing there.
Every year he sends me a birthday greeting. Every year I through it out. Every year I make a point of not recognizing his birthday. I am certain he does not really understand why I continue to malfunction.
Yeah, mine was a friggin’ toddler about his birthday, and I’ve read others say the same about theirs. I threw him huge parties, catered, with 100-plus guests Yet one of his big complaints in marriage counseling – which he insisted on when he had already moved Side Piece into one of our rental properties – was that I didn’t do anything for his birthdays. Just a flat lie. He and Side Piece now take weeks-long trips centered around their nearly-the-same birthdays. They’re like a couple of 300 pound four-year-olds.
After I’d been dumped but before I discovered the ‘all our marriage’ affair with exgfOW, I unknowingly pick me danced by offering to cook the ex dinner on his birthday at the marital home. I’d always made a fuss of him on his birthday. Looking back, he bought me beautiful gifts in the main, but in terms of attention, he wasn’t really there. I rushed home from a swimming lesson unshowered and distinctly yucky (I was demented during the lesson and I’m still surprised that I didn’t drown). I’d spent a fortune on fillet steak, very expensive wine etc. I manically cooked. He came home from work with a smirk. He rejected my birthday gift (a trip to Bruges which he had asked for and which I ended up going on alone). And then he said, with a sad sausage face: ‘no one at work remembered my birthday’. He was genuinely sorry for himself. I was open-mouthed with shock at the time. He spent the rest of the evening alternating between sad, over-cooked, sausage and rage: I got full on DARVO without even knowing what DARVO was. I cried myself to sleep (alone) while he cuddled his phone in the spare room. The next morning I called the Samaritans for the first time. I got back on track and a few weeks later, when I discovered the affair, I got going on the divorce. Looking back, the terrifying level of narcissism he demonstrated that night was symbolic of the whole relationship. It was all about him all the time. No one at work remembered his birthday because they were disgusted with him!
I have to stop reading this when CL starts gushing about her husband. I know it’s wonderful. And I know the intention is to let me know that I deserve equal and euphoric love. But right now, it’s too hard to read. I want happiness and joy without the mention of a partner. Mine was a fraud and I’m still trying to sort through the fact that everything that brought me joy was fake. I LOVE CL and CN with all my heart. Just giving my 2 cents <3
FWIW I’m happy with being single right now. I have an amazing relationship with my daughter, and I’ve learned how to reach out and make friends. I’m happy for anyone who finds love after everything we all have to go through, but I’m also far less lonely and isolated now than I was when I was married.
I hope this can help a little:
I just had a visit from my two closest girl cousins, we live far apart so seeing them on a regular basis wasn’t possible; both of them had horrible first marriages. One knew for many years the other like me was blindsided by a sneaking cheat. Neither of them remarried and have been single for 30 ish years. One is very wealthy due to her own efforts (not via the D settlement), the other successful in her work, but a more moderate level of wealth. Both are very happy and do quite a bit of travel together. The wealthier cousin sometimes foots the bill, other times not. Both have dated and enjoyed the company of gentlemen; but stayed single. I honestly can tell that neither of them regret staying single.
Truth is there are good and bad things about both coupling up and staying single; but I do believe because I have seen it, that is is possible to be happy and fulfilled either way.
I understand dealing with the “it was a fraud”. Even though I am coupled and have been for a long time, I still have my times when it hurts; and my H knows I still have some baggage. He also has struggled with rejection from his ex. Doesn’t mean either of us pine for the ex, but some levels of betrayal just leave deep scars.
I hope that soon however it works for you that you have more good days than sad. It just takes a while to get there.
you are so right! thank youuu 🙏🫶
We all heal at our own pace. Remember – your X’s emotional responses and actions may have been fake, but your’s were legitimate. You showed up wholly and honestly in your relationship. He did not.
As has been said many times on here…it is easy to fool someone who truly loves you. That is not the chump’s shame to wear…but the fuckwit’s.
Thank you for this <3 <3 <3
Happy Birthday Traci!!! 🍰🍰🍰
Your wit and wisdom have been a true lifeline for so many of us. Thank you.
I wish I knew then what I know now. My first birthday after marrying my military spouse was spent 2000 miles away from home and everyone I knew. He must have literally run through the military exchange to get my gift after work. He gave me a video tape of “Huckleberry Finn” (Why? No idea, other than guess he had a hankering to watch it.), a stack of magazines and, I kid you not, a CD of marching band music! (Not big a fan of John Phillip Souza.)
I should have marched out of there!!!
Happy Birthday and happy birthday to the blog too! You truly transformed that pile of manure into something amazing. No thanks to Fuck Wit and Side Fuck.
Speaking of a possible manure pile, did anyone read this article and wonder if Bernhard/Bernard REALLY disclosed everything to Joy McGrath before they got married? I mean, I certainly hope she did at the time, but given the times and the Catholic upbringing, I have my doubts.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/style/of-interest/2023/09/25/bernie-wagenblast-voice/
Happy Birthday Tracy!!!! I love LACGAL!!! It has saved me more times than I can count!! Bless you and all you have done for me and CN!!! 🎂
I’m so sorry Martina. You are right- chronic, long-term severe stress ( and sometimes, a severe shock) is one of the main predisposing factors in serious illnesses like cancer and cardio-vascular disease
I mean Sarah! I’m sorry, I’m not quite right today, I’m in bad form and not thinking straight! I can’t believe I got muddled up like that though, my apologies!
Many happy returns of the day Tracy! It sounds like you’ve had a very well-deserved pampering from your DH and quite right too!
My heart goes out to your friend and all who have been made seriously or chronically ill by this most foul, cruel type of betrayal! They are the people who least deserve it! I’m so sorry!
Sending Martina love, light, and blessings… I look forward to hearing your inspirational story of strength and courage.
Happy birthday!
Love the shit metaphor prose. Also, I would love me some good reciprocity some day. I deserve it!