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Well, my story is a little different from others that I have seen on the blog. I was unwittingly and was unknowingly the OW to 2 different women ( i’m sure there were more ) from the same man. Let me explain.
I met the man that I was dating 4 years ago. When we met he told me that he was divorced and that he cheated on his first wife but that he had learned his lesson. He did not have children with her. The woman he cheated on her with however , he had two children with her. Actually three but we will get to that. Just this last month I found out that he had impregnated his ex-girlfriend that has two children with him, six months into our relationship. This child will be three in January. He also got married in June of this year. The entire time he told me that he would never have a relationship with his ex baby mama. He said he hated her and that she was crazy. That should’ve been a red flag. However I found all this out in September of this year. He would not admit to me that he was married or that the child was his. It is all true. He continue to have a relationship with me until I found out and proved to him I knew he was married. He did not want me to know. He told me he wanted me to keep in contact with him and then I could call him anytime I wanted and to keep texting him. I of course have no desire to do either one. I have blocked him on social media and on my phone. The woman he married is from Russia that she has been in the US since 2014. They got married in secret it was just the two of them and the justice of the peace. I have no doubt that he would continue to see me had I not found out. He says this is not true but of course he would. I have sent his wife proof and a letter showing her that he was seeing me the entire time , including before they got married during and after. He will not change but I’m not gonna be a chump for this guy any longer. Hopefully, she will realize who she has married. She may stay with him, I have no idea. But at least she will know who he is. I did not have that choice, we dated for four years and I found out all this information within 24 hours, from his ex. She gave me proof. He was Sexting me and sending me naked pictures and telling me how bad he wanted me. This was before during and after his marriage. It was information I wish I had had. Someone here may disagree that I sent it to her. I think it was the best thing to do.
If I had known I would’ve never continue to date him. He says they been together less than a year. His ex baby mama said it had been two years. Who knows. Nothing was ever going to come of our relationship because he had their child that he was denying. He of course could never continue our relationship without admitting that. I think that he wanted to keep things as they were and keep dragging me along. I don’t know if he’s a narcissist, serial cheater, or what. His ex baby mama, for lack of a better word because they never got married. She tells me they move back in together in November after I met him in September 2013. He says this is not true. However I saw pictures of them together in February 2014 where they were going to a function at the Country club that he belongs to. She says they started couples counseling in September of that year that he and I met. And again said that they she move back in in November of that same year. I do not see how this is possible because he called me every night. We would talk for hours. I do not think she is entirely truthful, but I do also believe that a lot of what she says has some validity.
This entire crazy drama has me not knowing what is up or down. But I do realize that he and I never would have gone anywhere because of the third child. He would’ve had to admit that to me and that was never going to happen. He refused to sign her birth certificate and has only taken her for first time couple of months ago. His accent me pictures of a lot of things actually. In one photo it was July 29. He was at his wife’s house, he moved in to her house which is in another man’s name, so that is very bizarre. It is to me at least. He’s better successful so I’m not sure what that’s all about. But that same day there was a cancer fundraiser he and his wife were involved in. On that same date he was calling me several times and texting me. I did not answer because I was outside with friends in my pool. Another time it was a Saturday night and I went out with friends look up to 22 in answered text from him. He was married at this time as well. Where is the honeymoon phase for him and his wife? Why did he want to keep me in his life? He absolutely did not want me to know about her is furious with his ex for telling me.
when he finally figured out that I had proof that he was married he came clean. He said he asked her several times and she said no, and then she finally said yes and they waited three days and got married in private. They both have Facebook accounts, but neither one are friends on each other’s Facebook. There were no indications that they married each other on Facebook. I realize this probably doesn’t matter, but I find it odd. Usually a woman’s first marriage she posted all over Facebook. But not this one. There’s no sign of him being married. He does not wear a ring. Apparently she does.
WT actual F?????????
They are messed up my dear like my ex husband and his new slut, move on you do do 1000 times better!š
If the marriage was just he and she and the JoP, it is invalid; there are required witnesses for marriages in all fifty states.
Dump This Mutha Fukkah Already.
Wow!! What a piece of work!! That situation does not define you at all! You are better and stronger on your own!
I just honestly believe men are assholes
WTactualF,
It do Not matter what his ex says first and foremost he told you about himself he is a cheater Did you need anything else. Iām quite sure you are a beautiful and intelligent woman find you someone who will love you and only you.
I stated that he had sent me several pictures. That was a typo as I’m talking to my phone. His ex with his children sent me all the pictures.
It has been 27 months since he came from overseas work trip and 25 months since I found out his affair and 11 months ago that I packed it all leaving my cheater husband, my home, my dreams together and life behind…still very heartbroken by his actions especially because he never admitted it even though seen proof of his affair.I know I did right! I am a chump and trying my best to rebuild myself taking control over my life again. I can’t hate my now ex-husband and I just can’t understand why?…I feel I will be heartbroken and soul shattered for a long time…
Your book came really handy and I have to say Thanks!
Do you have a book of guidance to how to rebuild your new single life after an affair?
Friday Girl,
Since your post was several months ago, I hope by now you’ve found some help or peace with your decision. And while this might not be a popular opinion on CL, I believe if you were once in a loving, mostly functional relationship that it’s normal to not always have animosity towards your X. I’m 2 weeks a chump right now. She was in a nearly year long affair. While it was he choice to cheat, I have some responsibility for my part in a failed marriage. My wife is a good mother and generally a decent person. I hate what she did to us but I still love her for the person she was. Maybe you’re just missing who you thought you loved? You’d have to say. But I imagine it’s a normal feeling.
I hope that you’re better and keep getting better.
Hi Sax daddy, not sure if you will see this but Iām having similar feelings. Iām almost 3 weeks from Dday, wife had a months long affair with random bar guy ex con. Other than her actions during the affair she was a good wife and mother. In MC today she said she is done and thatās ok with me after reading horror stories here. Question: were you able to amicably divorce or how can I move on with my life while paying my betrayer? Iām the breadwinner and generally acquired the assets. We have one 2 yr old daughter, a house, and some stocks from my employer. We both work but my income is more than 2x. Now the feeling of getting steamrolled and becoming a slave is really bothering me. How did you manage these feelings?
I too struggle with hating my ex. I finally have gone no contact and it is helping me so much. Wasted 26 years with this fucktard. I stumbled across chumplady and her book and it is saving my life! Literally!
The word āsportā was a spellcheck from porn and I found cheater with his Bosnian luv in the back of my moms old Buick then uncovered the hotels and cheating and an divorced. I would just like to see a colum about the porn since I thought it was no big deal until I found the stash and expenses and kids asked me why they should go to his place when he just sits behind his computer the whole time. Tru luv must enjoy that.
I havenāt seen my husband other then 1ce in 5 months and it was really awkward. He has been living in Memphis 3 and a half hours from me. He says heās working on himself and that he canāt do anything for us with him being in debt. We have 8 and a half years together and almost married 6. I want our old lives back but he told me a while back he messed with a 19 year old and said he felt completely justified and he told me I can accept it or not and told me the story isnāt going to change but then he changed it to he never slept with her and said he brought cheating involved to bring out true feelings. He has told me before I walked out on him emotionally but then he says heās not leaving me. He called me a chump earlier and laughed afterwards and at times heāll tell me to get out of my head and that I think too much. I have told him I feel thereās things heās keeping from me and heāll just act like Iām crazy and tell me heās right here and heās not going anywhere. He is in Memphis 3 and a half hours from me. Heās not right here. Thatās the problem and he has even said the words I donāt care and leave me alone in a hateful way and if I say something heāll get even more of an attitude and tell me to stop my shit. A couple of years ago he got very insecure over things he wanted us to do. I remember him crying saying I was his world and how depressed he was. I believe he went through the depressed stage and has moved on from it. I have no way to know for sure if he really actually has moved on from me or what though. I would love some insight on this please. Should I hire a private investigator that I really donāt have the money for?
Oh and I also left out he told me he wants me to mail his license to him that has been mailed to my parents house cause he put their address down as his and he always tells me when heās going to bed and goodnight and thatās heāll call me before he goes to work
Hi Brittany; Please consider leaving/divorcing this man who clearly devalues you. Read CL’s library and try to extract your self image from his control. No one deserves this horrible treatment. Yo have absolutely NO reason to trust him if he were in your house, not to mention 3.5 hours away!
I just finished your book and loved it! Man, I wish I had read it 7 years ago, would’ve saved myself a whole lot of pain. Thank you for taking the time to do this project, you will help so many people. I have a quick question for you because you are the only person out there that I can think of that may have real-life experience with my questions. I am launching After the Affair, an affair recovery program for chumps basically, on March 4th. My ex was actually diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder while we were still married and I am fairly certain that he will be trying to sue me once this content launches. This fear actually held me back from starting this project sooner. I never say his name, but I do tell my story, which includes him. Is there something I can do to be proactive, terms of use on the website, or some kind of self-obsessed asshole insurance I can buy? I just don’t want to put my daughter and myself through any unnecessary pain. I so appreciate your time and help. Thank you!
Melissa
WHAT DA FUCK IS THIS OH MY FUCKING GOD
Brand new to the site, and have just started reading the book – already feel slightly better, simply by finding a community that I don’t feel embarrassed / vulnerable / humiliated / anxious to speak about what I’m going through.
I found out my long-term boyfriend had cheated on me 5 times over our 5 years in January. That means he signed a mortgage with me, knowing what he’d done. After moving out for 2 weeks, he came back saying that I was the most important thing to him, that he would fight for the rest of his entire life for me and for our relationship and that he was having a sort of identity crisis, that his unhappiness in every other part of life had pushed him to never acknowledge any difficult conversations about what he’d done /what he wanted etc. For 6 months, we have worked together to build a new relationship, better than the one we had before, one in which he actually contributed to communication and honesty. Unfortunately, in hindsight, we haven’t worked “together”. We’ve worked together only on his anxiety, his mid-life crisis, his happiness, what he wants. Never have we bothered to talk about how I might be feeling, or how I was having panic attacks when we (finally) started having sex again, or how references in films or books or songs acted like triggers for me. We never really bothered to talk about that. Or, on the very rare occasions we did, he would look sympathetic and sad, and say, “I’m going to have a think about what I can do to help”. The outcome? Nothing. No thought, no further conversation. Nothing.
I would love to understand how to balance holding onto all of the happy, fun memories from the past 5 years, and not losing all of those in this, but also somehow re-learning who he is / was, and remembering that even though he was wonderful in so many ways, 5 times in 5 years, and then 6 months of not thinking about me at.all. is not okay. Please, any advice would be welcome and needed. I feel like the process of working out what this does to my self-identity, my memory of the past 5 years, and then also meeting someone who can be wonderful AND manage not to cheat feels completely and utterly unfeasible.