Dear Chump Lady, Is she prettier?
Dear Chump Lady,
My husband cheated on me with some woman, but he won’t tell me who she is. I don’t know anything about her and he wants me to take his word for it that it’s over. It’s eating me up who she is and what she looks like. Maybe I met her and I didn’t know? She must know who I am. I’m sure they shared all sort of details about how I suck or what I do or don’t do in bed.
She’s prettier than me, isn’t she? God… this is killing me.
Signed,
My Thighs Are Fat
Dear Thighs,
I gotta tell you, this is a no win. If she’s a Victoria Secret underwear model with tits out to there and a stomach you could bounce quarters off of? Yes, you’ll think, crap, I can never compete with that. If she’s a menopausal drudge with a thyroid condition who wears hair scrunchies, it’s almost worse. You destroyed our marriage to screw THAT? Seriously? I mean, you can wrap your mind around the Victoria Secret underwear model. It’s horrific, but it’s oddly understandable, in a caddish, reptilian part of your brain sort of way. But Ms. Hair Scrunchie? No. You have to be kidding.
But here’s the thing — this isn’t a competition. Anyone who would cheat with a married person is a dog turd. Some dog turds look like dog turds and some dog turds are covered in sugar frosting with rainbow sprinkles. But at the end of the day — they’re still dog turds, with or without frosting. They smell like dog turds. Their essence is that of dog turd.
Same with affair partners. It doesn’t matter what they look like. Affairs are about how that person made the cheater FEEL. It’s about narcissism. If Ms. Hair Scrunchie made your husband feel like a super stud, who was never wrong, and never responsible for any of the shit decisions of his life? Ms. Hair Scrunchie IS the super model. Cheaters just want to see themselves reflected at three times their natural fabulousness. If it weren’t that little piece of narcissistic supply, it would be another. Dog turds are pretty interchangeable.
It’s not you and it’s not your thighs. The problem is your husband has no moral compass. He isn’t telling you who she is because he wants to protect himself, her, and the affair. He values his secrecy more than he values your healing. Chances are she is probably married, or a coworker, or both. He must be completely honest with you. What the other woman looks like is not the issue — your husband has to work on his considerable issues with entitlement and fidelity.
Got a question for Chump Lady?
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Oh.
My.
God.
This says it all for me: “Anyone who would cheat with a married person is a dog turd. Some dog turds look like dog turds and some dog turds are covered in sugar frosting with rainbow sprinkles. But at the end of the day — they’re still dog turds, with or without frosting. ”
She’s a dog turd with sparkly sprinkles. And a penchant for excessive amounts of alcohol. And having other men support her, including my begrudging ex-husband.
Dog turd!
: I know this is an older post, but I loved it so much i had to comment on it. I spent years trying to figure out what my husbands AP had that I did not. While I knew she wasn’t better looking then me( which by the was made me even madder).” WTF was he ever thinking”. I wondered if she was a better mother, cook , lover or smarter. I just didn’t understand. However after reading kibbles and this I get it, because she is one of those goo wee types. Everything is so over the top lovey dovey ,and needy that it makes me sick just to hear her voice let alone see her. She is the type that feeds him double doses of kibbles on a daily bases. These posts have opened my eyes.
I agree totally, it doesn’t matter what they looked like. My ex was a serial cheater who said these women were ugly, but they adored the ground he walked on. He uses all women starting with his mom. My role was I provided the wholesome wife family image. I gave this man many chances to change, to seek help. I saw the light and photos of all of his ugly women. Women are so desperate they will open their legs and be willing to take any crumbs he offered. Why would he change? Any woman that becomes involved with him is desperate-his words and willing to accept him on his terms. Even if these women were perfect and they weren’t- in his eyes they were sluts because they knowingly slept with a married man. Talk about screwy reasoning!
I got out. He couldn’t lie or manipulate me any longer.
I only 2 months from D-Day and I am still burning up. She was a 25 year old crass hooker, who wined and dined and then spent months on sexting to. WTF??? I thought he didnt like young crass females who look like shit!