Dear Chump Lady, Which came first — the death of the marriage or the affair?

sadlady15: “when he left saying he just wants to have fun and I’m too negative.”

Just when I think I can no longer be amazed that THEY ARE ALL THE SAME, I’m amazed again. Yep, I got this too. He stuck me with all the boring, adult tasks he didn’t want to bother with, then told me one of the reasons he left was because he needs someone who’ll challenge him to have more fun.

Andrea, Stellar – just absolutely stellar!! You are wonderful to have shared this.

Your post is an epiphany for me, Andrea. The ex really WAS miserable for the entirety of our marriage. Miserable because of his many jobs, his FOO issues, his frequent illnesses, and my oh-so-many “failures”. And I would prop him up, and support him, encourage him, and apologize and dance harder after two DDays with “emotional” affairs and the numerous online fantasy flings. For years, until my son died.

I had a hard childhood (mother died at two, abusive alcoholic father married three more times to the type of women alcoholic abusers attract), but somehow, his was so much harder.

I had quite a few jobs I hated, but kept slogging through because bills until I could find a better one. Somehow, he just wasn’t able to stick to one more than a few months without coming home to announce that he had quit again with no new job lined up, bills be damned.

I dented the new truck and apologized for months. Tools got stolen from the back of that truck because he was “distracted” because “I had made him so upset” during an argument that he left the truck unattended, and I apologized for months. When I found out about the first (E)A and cut off his ATM access to the emergency bank account that only I made deposits to (and which I discovered he had been giving her money from), he had no money for food while he was over-the-road and a continent away. I apologized then, too, but the words tasted like acid.

The years rolled by. The kids or I would have the run-of-the-mill illnesses, but he would would suddenly fall sick and be so much sicker than anyone else. Every. Single. Time.

During our wreckonciliation after the second (E)A, my adult son died in a car accident, leaving behind a wife and three very young kids. I was a basket case, on Celexa for a year in order to function at my job and maintain some semblance of sanity. During this time, he was there for me, telling me he was “all in” and his goal was to be as good a husband to me as his stepson had been to his wife.

After a year of pharmaceutical numbness, I realized I was not processing my loss properly and withdrew myself from the drugs. As clarity returned, I realized that the AP was still very much in the picture, and had been since shortly after my son’s funeral. I had been “emotionally unavailable”, you know, and you just can’t manage to out-die someone to get those kibbles flowing again. What else was a Sad Sausage to do?

It’s four years later. I am divorced, with sole ownership of the house that he was always too tired to work on. Sole ownership of the garage full of tools that he needed for the businesses he didn’t have time for because he was too busy flogging his dick on internet cam for his fantasy women. Sole ownership of the first edition Honda Gold Wing show bike that he just had to have until his first girlfriend decided it wasn’t as cool as a Harley Davidson, so it was left out to weather for a year. Sole ownership of over $5000 in HO train shit that he used as an excuse to isolate himself to build backgrounds for, but really to have long heartfelt phone conversations with Schmoopie 2.

And him? He is living in a shelter downtown. On his third job in the last three months. Still miserable. And yes, he was miserable for the entirety of our marriage. And I finally accept that it wasn’t my fault.

^^^THIS^^^ “Nothing can compare with the excitement of infatuation.”

The difference between me and Mr. Sparkles… I still loved him after the bloodbath… because my love was real… misguided and misplaced, but real nonetheless.

His love was directly proportional to the shine. And, that is his pattern.

Good luck #4… and 5, and 6 and 7 and 8 🙂

Paint widow, yes, Justice gets served. We are not there to see it most of the time, but these disordered assholes and their Schmoopies have to live with their poor choices every single day! Most of these cheaters are too damn proud to admit they have made the biggest mistake of their lives because during the height of their “affair” excitement most of them said and did absolutely ridiculous shit to justify being with the OW/OM! They are NOT totally ignorant of the fact that they lied, deceived and out and out acted like two year olds to keep their supply of extra marital nookie going! Once the “shiny” wears off of the new relationship these cheaters can see the damage they have done! My Ex came back home after a divorce and four months of actually living with his Schmoopie, never once did he talk about her in glowing terms as he had for nearly three years prior! As a matter of fact, he compared her to a “shiny toy” that he just had to have, but the shine wore off really quickly. I realized he always referred to her not as a person, but an object that once made him feel good, but had since become boring and worn. She lost her appeal very quickly! Add his age and his bout with cancer to the mix and he had to face ugly reality! Some cheaters wake up and realize too late that they bought into a fantasy! Just know that I believe cheaters do know deep down that what they are doing is wrong and sooner or later it blows up in their face. That’s good enough justice for me!!

Paintwidow-karma will come (if it hasn’t already) but it really does not have the impact with the disordered that it would have say a somewhat decent normal human being. Schmoopie will go thru the same crap you went thru. Living a life where yes, sometimes it is (appears) great but always waiting for the other shoe to drop, no thanks.

This is pretty much what I was thinking, too. If he was really never a person who could keep his agreements or control himself and he was just good at keeping his dysfunctions a secret for a long time, then it was never a marriage in the first place. You and I didn’t know that what looked and walked and talked like a duck was actually a snake. We thought we had marriages, but we learned later that we had twisted arrangements to which we did not mindfully agree.

PreyingMantis sent me Valentine’s Day flowers this year, even after the ILYBINILWY phone call weeks earlier. I now know that by that time, there were firm plans in place on PreyingMantis’ side to leave within that next month, that there were at least 3 simultaneous OWs that were being juggled, that Switzerland “friends” of ours were being groomed as potential places to stay (one must always have a soft spot to land, don’t you know!). I’d been covering the bills for the last 2 years while PreyingMantis shuttled back and forth between here and the family farm in order to “take care of my elderly parents”. I’ve noticed these days a certain someone is much freer to travel and pursue their own interests, but these abovementioned elderly parents didn’t magically get any younger or healthier… The point you make about the presents and “iloveyous” really resonated – I was always being told how grateful PreyingMantis was for my support… nice way to show your gratitude; I always implode a relationship (with kids) as my way of saying THANKS!

I agree with Tempest. My Ex NEVER said a word about being unhappy or dissatisfied until after he slept with the “Sure Thing” he found on Facebook! Then everyone had to hear him say shit like this: “We have NEVER been husband and wife like most people.” Really??? Then what were we for the past 38 years? Really close buddies who raised four great kids? I’m totally confused, but okay if you say so! Then I got the ILYBINILWY speech right after his admission of screwing her for three days in a hotel room on his fake “business” trip! Yeah, the marriage is “bad” and they have been “unhappy” for just years as soon as they have successfully peeled the panties off of the whore that is willing to lower herself to being a side dish! No doubt about it! My Ex always told me prior to his Schmoopie how happy he was and life was good! Guess he was just a fucking liar!

Tempest, same exact pattern here. Now he’s saying that from the time we had our first child, we “didn’t work as a couple.” That we had problems for the past 17 years. (??!!). I’m sure that’s what he told all his APs. And yet, he brought me fucking flowers at least once a month, we never fought, agreed about most everything, he bought me a $6000 diamond ring (unbidden!) two years ago! WTH. I can’t bear to wear it, but I’d never get the money back out of it. I hate him.

Yes Tempest, In addition to “Marital problems drove me to do it” – and equally as devastating – they say, ” ILYBINILWY”.

My translation to “ILYBINILWY” is….. I – Lie – Y’all – Because – I’m – Narcissistic – Immature – Loser – Who’s – Yellow

Chris were we married to same person ? My stbxw also a primary teacher. Her first affair (I have no proof) was with one the male teachers. But I think he didn’t leave his wife.. My STBXW acted weird (that was 5 years ago). She was distant, not very loveable etc.

Now she is dating her AP (my ex-best friend). He left his wife and 2 kids, She left with our 2 kids. So 2 families broken… but those 2 don’t care. All about themselves.

And funny thing? He (the AP) is full blown narcissist… and she had some narc features too. So going to be interesting .. but I don’t care.

And I think people get bored and want fresh “fix”/feelings. So the affair is the fun thing to do.