Dear Chump Lady, I can’t compete with their Fabulousness
Dear Chump Lady,
Here’s my tale of woe.
After thirteen years and four children, my husband decided apropos of nothing to leave me for his ‘girlfriend’ of one month who happens to have no kids but many, many tens of millions of dollars.
There was no talk of reconciliation (except for three absolute bullshit marriage counselling attempts where he didn’t disclose why he suddenly wanted a divorce) , no unicorn chasing, no chance to even audition for the pick-me dance finale.
It was over, he was gone, just like that. Our marriage had been, in my eyes, a very good one, and we were financially extremely well-off, but not quite millionaires. I had been his cheerleader our whole marriage, and had supported him and his career to an extent which is almost laughable now. (He is a public figure.) I also worked full time and looked after every aspect of our home and child-rearing.
Anyway, he married Ms Money-Bags, the week our divorce was finalised, in a ceremony to which the children were not invited but the media were. I’ve then endured countless public iterations of how their love is real, and worth hurting people for (specifically, worth hurting me for). Imagine, if you don’t mind, a small-scale to what Jennifer Aniston went through, and then add four kids. They have access to the children 13% of the time (their choice — I live in a 50/50 state).
This has been going on now for years. I am constantly subjected to ever-shinier accounts through the media of how They Are The Best Couple Ever!!! And frankly, not only is it incredibly embarrassing, it also makes me feel like a complete loser, as they live in a house worth five million bucks with a god-damned waterslide, with matching Maseratis in the driveway and dress my kids in designer clothes (that they’re not allowed to bring home to my house), while I struggle as a single mom. (Yes, he pays the state-mandated child support, which is 2% of his annual income.) I work full time in an extremely demanding role (I’m a litigator). I have tried to move on romantically but frankly I don’t trust my own choices and anyway, I hardly have the time to try to date and the only men who hit on me are married. Ugh.
And so I feel really bad about myself, because my life doesn’t compare to theirs. It seems there is no justice in the world. How do I get over this feeling of absolute rejection, and of being a total unlovable loser, and move on in my life? The constant media about their fabulous life (which I have actually asked him to put a stop to, to no avail) is crushing my soul.
Super Chump
Dear Super Chump,
Hey, at least you have a soul to crush, which is more than I can say about your ex and Ms. Moneybags.
What a lovely couple! He walks out on a wife and a passel of small children, and she finances his desertion! But hey, they’re enviable because they have a $5 million dollar home and flash cars in the driveway? And 24/7 media coverage?
Seriously, think about what kind of people you’re envying here — people who dress children up as props, but don’t invite them to their significant life events. People with millions to spare who budget 2 percent of ONE salary toward child support. You wish to compare yourself to them?
What are your values, Super Chump? Yes, on the Maserati index you’re a great big loser. On the Mightiness Scale of Raising My Children Without Any Help from a Cheating Fuckwit, you’re a winner.
It’s all in how you frame it. Who would you rather be?
Look, I know it sucks. I know you want some cosmic justice. It would be nice if all the media coverage was over what an utter douchebag your ex is versus his Constant Fabulousness. But really — do you think anyone who knows your story, who is worth knowing, doesn’t know they both suck epically? Is there any public figure who isn’t despised or snarked about, even by those closest in his or her circle? Why are you buying the spin?
Perhaps you think at some level you were inadequate. Well, yes, Super Chump, yes you were inadequate. I’m sorry, your kibbles cannot compare with the kibbles of a Bazillionairess. She’s got you beat. If you traffic in kibbles — the currency of narcissism — she wins.
But kibbles are not the same thing as love. Love is respectful. Love is generous. Love commits. Love doesn’t abandon its children. The man simply didn’t love you. He’s a person who traffics in kibbles. You probably thought, as many of us do, that if you flung enough kibbles at him, if you were super-duper cheerleader to his accomplishments, he would return the favor — that he would love you. But instead he just took your kibbles (thank you very much), pocketed them, and found better kibble sources elsewhere.
He sucks! A tree should fall on his head! He should be indicted! Exposed as the fraud that he is!
And it’s been a couple years and that hasn’t happened yet. Oh well, it probably will. Give it some time. Maybe it won’t happen. Doesn’t matter. YOU matter. Get on with your life and let that man be a stranger to you. I know that is hard when you co-parent, but seriously, just imagine he’s Justin Bieber, or some other rich asshole, whose phony life doesn’t concern you.
Your children have to navigate that personal landscape and the best way you can help them is to be the Sane Parent. Model your values. Be resilient. Show them every day how you have their backs. Teach them the difference between real love and kibbles.
And teach yourself too.
Good luck, SC.
This column ran previously. I’m still in a Christmas cookie coma and hope to recover soon.
P.S. and NO CONTACT. Don’t look at his social media feeds. Turn off the “fabulous” channel. Watch infomercials for catheters instead.
A little story for my fellow mighty Chumps:
Despite the constant social media sparkly vomit X-isential Crysis and his AP put out, not a month ago he was distraught and blindsided, trying to figure out how to recover when the woman “who is right for my soul” was cheating on him with their weed dealer.
I’m talking paragraph-long love proclamations, selfies, barfy emojii heart battles. The works. I never looked. My self control is great. I was told about it after I disclosed to a friend what had happened.
I have been maintaining strict no-contact but finally had to be faced with him due to some divorce paper issues, and the truth came out. He sobbed at me and asked I tell no one because he was going to pay for the couples counseling to male it work. I watched him dissolve into the most pathetic of chumps. He was parroting my sad monologue after I had caught him cheating.
Trust that they suck. People don’t change. And above all, try to end the conversation by telling them you’ll pray for their hard situation, and have up immediately and refuse to take any more calls.
Though I did answer him when he asked me how I dealt with all the anxiety and not being able to eat — how did I come back from such a place to love him again?
I told him “you don’t.”
MissDecaf – Good God what a Bag O’MeMeMe yr X is.
You did great. Must be the caffeine avoidance that kept you from bashing his face in.
Love your response!
“You don’t.” ????????
Omg! Just when I think I’ve heard it all….. your X is positively moronic
If there a infomercial on catheters, point me in that direction. I know people who need a good deal and that shit’s expensive…
Do you know what I ask myself these days: “Why didn’t I leave before??”
The media sells shit. People love it. They must earn their living. How much will they make selling your story??
I get that Lioness. I remember finally having the balls to initiate a conversation about ‘where we were headed’ bout 10 years ago (I wasnt happy but didnt want to split, we have kids you know?) in the middle of the conversation there was a phone call from a hospital that changed our focus. That was it, life intervened.. and there I was several years later finally uncovering evidence of an affair (I’m sure it wasnt the first but it was the last with me)
I’m not sure I’d have left for ‘no reason’. I wasnt happy because he wasnt a good husband, but I thought I was doing the right thing hanging in there. Now I’m just glad Im gone from the fakeness of his life…. so fake
I, too, thought I was doing the right thing, hanging in there. He hadn’t cheated since Affair #1, when the kids were 5 and 6 ys old and I was crazy in love with him. He was just a difficult and unpleasant person, far too much of the time, and a mediocre parent.
Only after Affair #2, 7 years after the first one, and my kicking him out did I realize what I had been teaching my kids. That relationships are not reciprocal. That there is the person taking advantage and the one taken advantage of. There is one loving, caring person who keeps making efforts, and one selfish asshole. There is a giver, and a taker. That family life is full of conflict and unpleasantness.
For the kids’ sake, I should have gotten out WAY earlier. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? That they could in any way grow up to have healthy relationship, having watched that all their lives?
I think my kids learned a lot about loving, effort, and about healthy limits to that loving and effort, when I kicked him out. We all learned about how good it is to live in a mostly peaceful home. Unfortunately, they also learned about who their father really was as a parent, once I stopped educating, coaching, pushing, and spackling for him. But that is not in my control.
That hit home with me. The taker and the giver. I was the giver. When I think of my soon to be x his adulterous mother and her new husband. She is a total taker. Her husband the giver. Apples don’t fall to far from the tree. Thx for that…. one step closer!
Karen don’t forget you also showed your children compassion and a willingness to forgive ONCE. You also taught them that once their father abused your trust for a second time you valued them and yourself to call time. You’ve since created a happy home for them without him. You should be very proud of yourself. They are lucky to have such a strong and lovely mother xx
Karen, can you please talk to me about what your life was like after DD#1 with your cheater. When you decided to take him back after the infidelity what was the marriage like, how did he treat you, how was your emotions and attitude towards him. Did you do a lot of the PICK ME DANCE? Were you more co-dependent. Did you feel your anxiety was high along with policing your cheater?
Regrets :
Mine has been a tough road. I did the counselling thing. He made every excuse in the book not to attend. When he finally did he was late for sessions. He used whatever was said to make things worse for me. I tried several shrinks. He always had the perfect excuse for everything. He started stealing items from home, money, jewelry, etc. He fought constantly with our daughter. He blamed me for EVERYTHING! Claimed it was me who had a problem and he was trying to help me by going to the sessions.
I suffered a spinal injury and I depended on HIM for everything. He took advantage of that. The marriage was never the same. He even went so far as to tell me he had his life to live. Look at how he treats you. Does he make any effort. Think of how you feel when you are around him. That is what matters most. If he is willing to work on the marriage you will know. Can you trust him again?
I had been married for thirty years. It has taken me more than 10 to finally get out. We lived in the same house “while living apart” for about two years. Then
he started to physically abuse me. First time, I let it go, second I got a restraining order. It took a lot of guts but I went into ” hiding” for a while. Many days my daughter and I had nothing to eat! He knows I will not bullshit anymore. Finances are a big deal for me. I worked from home. Lost my job right after he finally moved out. But guess what I am finally free……!!! Life will get better one day.
I can safely say that wreckonciliation did not work for me. Take your time and know that when you make that decision you must stick with it or else life will be hell for you.
Then stay close to CN . Read and read some more. It will help you get past the pain.
REGRETS,
I’m not Karen, but I stayed after Ddays 1&2 (overlapping), when we were together just 3 1/2 years, married 2. When I got into addiction recovery & starting to have flashbacks to sexual abuse, he responded by having 2 affairs & treating me like garbage. I filed for divorce, but having seen this modeled as love growing up, I also fought for the marriage, what I thought we could have.
Went to MC, made some progress, but realized if he didn’t want children, we should probably just split.
Game changer, he said he really did want children. I made the decision to trust him again, which took some time and more work from me than him. He was not forthcoming about any details. I thought I could trust him after a while.
I’m 6 years later our son was born. He was a doting father & I thought we were happy. We lost a second son 2 years later, but worked through that and 4 years later had our daughter. He grew more & more distant, colder. We went back to counselling twice – once with huge cosmetic changes to house, but no substance, and the last time was a joke, but I think affair 3 was already underway.
This past summer, day after my birthday, I found evidence, then “I love you” text messages with this shit ->????, which he never once used w me, but mostly ignored…um, ‘never got’ my text messages. She was married w a special needs child, 20 years younger than him, country af, and reputed to be “anybody’s” per other social media reports.
This time? I lined up CPA, Lawyer, & therapist for myself before I even told him I knew. When I did confront him I got dead-shark-eye stare, since he hadn’t rehearsed a cover story, so sure he’d never be found out. Then…lies. minimizing.
I grieved like I had been murdered…and I had. But I knew I could never go back again…the images (I had met her…she worked for him & brought us soup recently when he was sick), the details (underwear gifts, cheap-ass perfumes & a vibrator for Xmas last year!), not to mention her thong selfie she sent him…that he couldn’t bring himself to delete.
Nope. I’m done here. Nothing to work with.
Would I have stayed 26 years ago, knowing what I know today? I would definitely have stayed for my kids…they are fabulous people whom I adore. Did he cheat in between? Probably. Maybe not. How will I ever know? But I am retired permanently from marriage detective – not a fun job, even if you’re good at it. If you are, there is SOME problem.
I will never let anyone treat me like that again. And STBX has 3 strikes, so…meh-bound am I. They say, Once a cheater, always a cheater. God, I didn’t want to believe it! I thought we were special, that my love was powerful. I didn’t know about Cluster B & narcissism & entitlement. Once they believe it’s okay…and by staying, that’s the message he got…it’s okay with THEM. They just get better at hiding it, mask maintenance, compartmentalizing. Because, as it turns out, it was never about me, although my leg of the triangle was important so that he could continue to tell himself what a good guy he was. He really just didn’t think about me at all for the 3 years he was showering Schmoopie with gifts, texts, time, attention.
That’s my story, REGRETS. I leave out a lot…emotional abuse, financial abuse & neglect, affection starvation, lack of empathy, triangulating kids in his devaluing of me…. Should have left long ago.
The whole “we’re the sparkly couple” is BULLSHIT! The kids will eventually see through that they are just being used as props for the media. I am sure there is something shady going on and your ex’s political opponent will eventually expose it.
You are a single mom to four kids, litigator. You are the ultimate BADASS. Own that. You do not need a man, and definitely a married one. Just concentrate on being the sane parent.
Sparkly media content is perfect image management…especially accessible for certain fawning media or well-paid publicists. What a perfect narc kibble-dispenser: lots of money insulates…as far as it goes.
Step out of their ephemeral shadow, as it is an illusion. ChumpLady reminds us of OUR worth – the one without dollar signs, without building a “fab life” over the broken hearts of people we pledged to love and honor and be loyal to, without relegating our beloved children to a tiny percentage of time, money and the potential for attention or warmth.
WE are the real deal – able and willing to give love, be our authentic (NOT fake sparkly-turd FABulous) selves and provide much-needed attention to those we love. Our work is to be the Sane present parent, to explore ourselves to avoid repeating the past, to move forward and NOT look back. We know what they’re capable of, who they are: they suck – it’s our testimony, our truth. No amount of money, cold marble shininess will ever change what they are.
Our gift for leaving them is a chance to build a life compatible with our values and beliefs…alone or with another who CAN relate, love & commit, not just APPEAR to do so. The possibilities are endless with the fuckwits out of the way.
No contact!
In the words of the late, great Leonard Cohen,”Everybody knows.” Just because there are media sparkles around this demented duo, behind their backs everyone is laughing at them. She holds the keys to the car, the house AND his balls in her designer handbag. When she tells him to jump, he whimpers,”How high?” No one is fooled, except perhaps the two of them.
Watch out for your poor children, though, and be thankful his contact with them is limited. They do not need to be further influenced by his bad example. Greed is a contagious disease.
The kids can’t wear the clothes they bought them unless they are with them!
Says it all really. If they are worried they might have to buy more “labels” for the impression management of the kids then I’m betting every $ counts. It’s a house of cards waiting to fall because of debt.
Neither care about the kids either. I suggest he maintains minimal contact for impression management purposes only.
He is with Slaggy-Anne for how it makes him feel rather than love. What could possibly go wrong.
You’re well out of it.
Exactly! I bet her actual, liquid net worth is a lot less than what the media think it is. So fishy!
HE is the loser, Super Chump, not you. Fuck him! Jennifer Aniston seems to be and do well. Meanwhile Brad Pitt gives pathetic interviews, his looks faded and has a very public breakdown despite his millions and shit. As for media and social media, most of it is glitter, smoke screens and narcissism anyway.
Super Chump, I hope you are well on your way to dusting off the errant flakes of fools gold that get sprinkled by the media to sell ads. YOU are fabulous.
And, off topic, saw a movie with Cheater Smith last night and was creeped out the whole time because Brad’s face does not move normally. I’m sure he photographs well? In certain kinds of light? I love earned wrinkles. Injecting toxins or marrying millionaires does not affect character, which is sexy af to me.
I had to laugh when Angelinia Whorie lamented the fact that she had to learn to pick up dog poop after that sparkling couple (of losers) finally imploded. Guess we know what Pitt was doing all those years they were pretending to be happy.
Now, of course, Jolie is claiming to the world how absolutely horrible Pitt was to her “for years”. Yawn. Those two are the perfect example of impression management. We now see behind the curtain and know their marriage was a house of cards, a lie carefully crafted by their publicists.
I feel so sorry for those kids, though. They will be paying for their parents’ narcissism for the rest of their lives.
“Learning” how pick up dog shit. ???????????????????? Uh, yeah. Must be good being very, very, very rich.
If Angelinia Jolie is scooping up dog poo, I’m staring in multi-million dollar movies. Neither is happening in this life time, but both would be fun to watch.
Also, re: kids. Always had the sense that they were props to her, even before he came into the picture.
Yes. Jolie is an addict, too, if you check out her past. It creeps me out how she specifically collects children. And the making out with her own brother thing back in the day…. ugh. Narky as fug.
Ugh!!!!
I forgot about her French-kissing her brother at the Oscars!!! Ew!!!
Her and B. P. are just gross.
I remember seeing their pics of them in New Orleans after Katrina — all for image manage-ME-ment
He’s a gold-digger. Plain and simple. But it hurts you because you are in it, whereas we are looking from the outside. I always say that people with a lot of money have a lot of problems. They won’t last.
I understand how you dwell on it and compare your worth to her tho. I’m going through the same. Two years now but holidays magnify things and a-tumbling down I went into the abyss. My abyss is paralysis. I simply stop functioning. I saw a pic of “her” at a function in stelettos, a tigh body suit (one piece) that consisted of extremely short shorts. She looked absolutely amazing. Perfect figure, not one ounce of fat, a body that works out, screamed out. And I thought, of course he left me for her. She was gorgeous. I’m trying to come out of my coma with self-talk. Who steals a married man? What are your values? How good is your relationship if it was built on lies? These were all questions given to me by a friend helping me climb out.
It’s hard. Must stay focused on SELF.
I bet you have a fabulous body, Mjo. Put on something that is pretty, put on heels. Make-up, hair. Stand up straight. Look in the mirror. See what I mean? You look fabulous. Now, get your swagger on.
Yes MJO, the self talk is a constant battle.
In my case, I think she is the gold digger. Not that we are in the category above but we are probably more financially comfortable than average. We have a house that I continually questioned fuckwit if we could really afford it and he just assured me we were fine as if there is some pot of gold in the backyard that I am missing. My lawyer is uncovering it in his business.
Fuckwit brought whore here when I was out of town. He is continually showing off from my perspective: look at my mansion, look at my boat, look at my cars and my motorcycle. Then, when I point this out, he says she has money. Maybe she does but I feel like the post above: it is a front and she and her broken family are living on credit. My lawyer senses she is there for his money. I just keep going back to her deposition where when asked what fuckwit told her about me , her answer was he said I was mentally ill. What freak would stay with someone who is cheating on his mentally ill wife and leaving his five children with her? One that is a crazy gold digger.
Yesterday, he sent an email response to my email requesting reimbursement for educational testing done on our dyslexic youngest child. In my e-mail, I also told him I would be scheduling testing for our 2 older children who also are dyslexic and need updates on their testing. His response was that I was just harassing him and trying to deplete the marital money because the older 2 are doing well in school. Jaw drops yet again. 1. He has turned their learning disabilities around to an attack on him and 2. Really, I am trying to deplete marital funds with testing for learning differences…really? just no words… Meanwhile, before I got a lawyer and separated finances, he took money out of the marital bank account to buy a nice house and a Harley. I can’t stop shaking my head.
Yep! Exactly I think a lot of people fake affluence. I’m pretty sure my Ex and the OWife “hornswaggled” or “four flushed” each other into thinking they had more than they do. He was desperate for money (was putting utilities on credit cards and borrowing money from his parents) so I think he chose her because she looked good on paper and gave the appearance of having money. I think she chose him because she desperately wanted to be married and our house made a very good but false impression to her. He put on a good show of being a successful business man (although he has tanked 3 iterations of the same business concept). They rushed in to marriage (just 5 months after my moving van pulled away) because I think they both thought the other person had money and that they did not want to wait too long for the truth to surface. Well now she wants a baby but guess what?! They can’t afford it! It should be interesting to see what happens next. lol! It all comes out in the wash, eventually!
Oh hugs to you, @Feelingit, you have one of the most malignant narcs I’ve ever read about on here. What he has done (and continues through the divorce) to you and your kids is just absolutely sick.
Like you, I also was falsely accused of having a mental illness (postpartum depression). A surprising number of people believed it. Including actual physicians who should know the diagnostic criteria. And just like the OW in your marriage, they failed to ask my cheater the right questions that would yield the truth about what an excellent mother and human being I am and you are.
It always plays out this way. If the Wife is really so “crazy,” then why isn’t the Husband immediately taking over the entire raising the kids temporarily and getting her inpatient help and paying for all of it? Oh, he’s leaving the kids with her so he can bang Schmoopie and buy himself a bunch of new toys? Furthering his own career and not missing a day of work to protect those kids from an unwell primary caregiver? No? Ok then, Get the fuck outta here with those obvious lies then, dude! The issue is they fooled us for years, and they fool everyone. It sucks. I wish you a speedy escape route and a good settlement (or in your case, a good final hearing.)
Same here, Jo.
Exh2 told OWhore outrageous lies our marriage, about me as a mother, a wife, a woman.
All of his lies were exposed to OWhore and instead of dumping him, she married him five months later.
He is an evil bastard and she deserves every bit of misery that comes her way due to him.
I agree Mjo. It is hard to stay focused on self. I’ve been working on this for 3 months now. You’re right, who steals a married man. Chumplady is right, kibbles aren’t the same as love. I did nothing wrong. I need to move on and find the chump who is waiting to find me. I am the sane parent. My kid is happy when he is with me. Thanks CL and CN. 2018 is going to be a better year.
“Who steals a married man?”
I find it hard to ask myself this question about my STBX’s current girlfriend. In my case, he was cheating with another woman when he left. He started dating the current OW 6 months after he left. We were not divorced and he had not filed papers. In her mind, because we were separated that makes it ok for her to swoop in and to be fair I didn’t want him back at that point–I mean he left me during cancer. But I guess I can ask myself who who want a man who cheated on and left his wife during cancer treatment. Of course she has justified that saying the marraige was bad.
I wonder that too. Mine had an EA years ago with her, and called her up as soon as I said I didn’t see how it was going to work between us. After several years of wreckconciliation- I tried, he “ tried”, I was just done. She took him right back and they spent three hours talking on the phone the day he came and told me he was divorcing me.
She can have him, blech. I just hate my youngest being around her, they don’t know how this woman tried to break up their family when they was little.
What a pair. I guess you could say they are grossly suited!!
Married=Married
Dating while married=Cheating
So simple, Nyra.
Greek to cheaters, who justify, rationalize, lie, lie, lie and are entitled.
It’s simpler for those of us with morals. Painful, at first, when that mask slips. But seeking out my own kind will be infinitely better, whether I ever find them or not.
Today I know my worth. CHeatee couldn’t afford me in any way and doesn’t deserve my authentic love.
I will never forget watching a tv story about a Nascar driver who left his wife and their Down syndrome child for some sparkly OW. He said “wife and I knew that our marriage was long-over”…yea, Im wondering if wife got that memo while she was taking special needs kid to therapy. What a piece of shit.
That is what these folks are and no number of layers of glitter makes them anything more than turds with glitter.
I hope the write of this previously-run letter is much better now.
One thing I learned from years of working at a high-profile chemical dependency treatment center is that the rich are not happier. They usually do a hideous job of raising their children, substituting fancy clothes, toys, and cars instead of quality time, boundaries, and discipline. The result is a permanent source of clientele.
Please be the sane parent. Give them love, normal childhood memories, and firm boundaries. Let the two disordered cheaters self-destruct. Just being a real Mom, without the props that money can buy, will mean more to your children in the long run.
You deserve better. Go NC and feel your star rising. Hugs.
I work in the troubled teen industry. OMG. It’s where the rich send their teenagers when they don’t like them anymore and they interfere with their lives so they pay tons of money to make them go away. No, the rich aren’t always happier. Amen to that. These parents have only given their kids ‘stuff.’ No love or boundaries or tough love.
Yup. They’ve done the studies. Being able to comfortably afford food, clothes, shelter, and the occasional nice thing makes people happier, but once you start going from “comfortably-well-off” to “rich” it really doesn’t make anything better.
Finding Bliss, I’m a therapist, too, and have worked in addictions as well. You speak a profound truth.
It seems that cheaters and their APs come in all types. Some are lazy, others are overachievers. Some have fit perfect bodies, others not so much. Some are rich, some are poor. Some seek fame, others avoid it. Some are neat freaks, others are slovenly. Some are bankers, doctors, lawyers, others are construction workers, musicians or stay at home parents. Some are everything in between. The betrayed spouses can be any or all of those things too. The thing that all cheaters and their APs have in common is a willingness to hurt others in pursuit of their own goals or in some cases just the desire to feel better when they are hurting themselves (through no fault of their faithful spouses). They make poor choices and their souls are tainted. Betrayed spouses on the other hand are generally compassionate people who are loyal and do their best to hold their families together and improve the lives of the people they love. We have healthier souls. We have to be careful, however as soul disease can be contagious. When hurt it is easy to allow grief to taint your soul and to make poor life choices or hurt others as well (see yesterday’s post on revenge). We need to guard against that. Don’t let those negative feelings take us over. Keep strong, be the sane parent or the sane individual. Make positive contributions to society however small. Continue being the compassionate people we have always been but direct that compassion towards more worthy others. We need to rebuild our lives in a positive way because we are better than the cheaters no matter how “fabulous” they appear or are portrayed by the media. They are the broken ones, we don’t need to be. We can choose a different path. It starts by loving ourselves and recognizing our own worth.
Beautifully put, ChumpInRecovery.
Just right.
Also in recovery,
Multiple addictions,
But cheater is no longer one of them…clean & serene!
Well said : )
“We have to be careful, however as soul disease can be contagious.”
Yes. And living with a sick person for years always distorts our sense of what is real, what is right, what is good for us. It’s great that chumps write in about these “soul disease” struggles; that’s a start on the healing process.
Yes CIR, underneath they all have bad character.
When I read your letter it made me so happy to know you and I are living a fake free life. Values, morals and real love is everything, you can’t put a price tag on that. You are amazing and I hope you know that this sparkly couple parading their circus infront of the media is fakeness. Live your life and move on. He can never touch what you have. You are real in everything you do for your kids and yourself. Hold your head up high and never look back. He never deserved you!
SC, if you continue to measure YOUR worth against your jerkface’s Maserati’s and the designer clothes for the kids, you will never feel fulfilled.
I don’t travel in those circles but have had to do some serious downscaling myself. It’s NOT fun. However, I have learned a LOT about myself in the process. If given the chance to choose going back to a “richer” lifestyle with bullshit people, versus living an authentic life, scaled back? I’ll choose the authentic life Every. Time.
I do have an acquaintance though, who was exposed on Page 6 a few times during her divorce. She stopped watching TV; reading *that* paper, and focused on her kids and business. She succeeded to drown out the bullshit focusing on what mattered and is doing well these days.
Turn your focus OFF the Maserati’s and those assholes. Make a list of activities and causes that bring you happiness and get involved. Maybe you can find new friends that way too. Hopefully, you can include your kids on some level. They need to WITNESS your effort focusing on more meaningful activities in life, rather than being bummed that you can’t keep providing your daughter the newest $600 jeans every season. Kids learn by WATCHING us parents. Modeling strength and responsibility will require a SUSTAINED EFFORT, and refrain from expecting instant gratification. TAKE this opportunity to BE the *responsible, sane* parent. You have the golden chance right now. If you don’t have one already, you may very well need a GOOD therapist to guide you. Shop around.
In the end, you will come out on top – in a much more important way than what money will buy.
The children aren’t allowed to bring the expensive clothes home its all for show. Incidentally I knew of a lady whose ex wouldn’t provide for his kids, but buy the girlfriend expensive food, you would have thought some people would have shame wouldn’t you.
Let’s go back for a moment to the Jennifer Aniston comparison. How’s that “Brangelina” relationship looking now, with the Brad part needing rehab and the Angelina part kicking him to the curb on a plane trip? He’s lucky she didn’t shove him out of the plane with a parachute.
I understand any chump’s urge to compare the chump life in recovery (given1/2 the income or worse) with the Cheater/Schmoops life, which often has 2 + incomes, if Schmoops works and gets child support. If the X’s prime motivation for divorce was kibbles + millions, there’s no way that anyone can compete with that economically. It’s also extra galling when the Schmoopy couple loved public impression management.
However, think about it. Why is our comparison point always house/cars/trips/money? A man essentially abandons his kids and then abuses them by only letting them wear the designer stuff he buys them in the 13% of the time they spend with him. That’s a pretty clear way of stating that it isn’t people that matter to him. It’s not even things. It’s how things make him look. Schmoops is just a richer kibble dispenser. She gives him access to major public kibbles, which are the juiciest and most primary of all.
I know this is an old letter, but chumps in this situation should think about what it takes to get a life back. We have to stop looking at the cheater, thinking about the cheater, being jealous of the cheater’s life situation, measuring ourselves against the cheater’s lifestyle. It’s not enough to divorce a cheater. Chumps have to figure out what really matters in the world. My list includes kindness, honesty, trustworthiness, emotional health.
I’m currently studying the opioid crisis. The Sackler family, whose company introduces OxyContin, a drug that led to addiction for millions of Americans and death for thousands. They had made (at the time of writing of my source) $14 BILLION on that drug at the expense of the lives of millions, both the lives of addicts but also their families and their hollowed-out communities. $14 billion buys a lot of fancy homes, a lot of Maseratis (speaking metaphorically). All that tainted money. All the money soaked in the blood and grief of fellow citizens. So Cheater has his Maserati, the money, the public attention. He traded his KIDS for that. He traded you love and loyalty for that. He traded his integrity for that. So that is one hellaciously expensive lifestyle. He gave up far more than he got but he won’t know that because he’s disordered.
You have all the tools for a wonderful life. But you have to let go of who he was to you and what he is really. You can despise him. But he can’t be the measuring stick for a successful life because he has utterly no values. Figure out what you think a great life is. (I did a whole Pinterest board on that). Define that for you. Then go build it. You aren’t towing 200 pounds of narcissist behind you any more, so you’ve got the time and energy for your own life.
LovedaJackass,
” Figure out what you think a great life is. (I did a whole Pinterest board on that)” Can you tell us more about the Pinterest board on this?
Awesome post LAJ. This really says it all and it’s an important read for all chumps but especially the newbies!
“Chumps have to figure out what really matters in the world. My list includes kindness, honesty, trustworthiness, emotional health… Figure out what you think a great life is. (I did a whole Pinterest board on that). Define that for you. Then go build it.”
THIS!!!! Thank you for inspiring me, @LAJ. Again. We DO have all the tools for a wonderful life, indeed. I need to get to work on my own vision board and stop worrying about other peoples’ sparkles.
The kids aren’t allowed to wear clothes bought by him to your house! Wow. Those kids will eventually see him for what he is. He could spend more time with them, but he chooses not too. They will realize that one day as well.
Don’t envy people who don’t deserve it. They are shallow and empty and if all their shiny THING$ disappeared tomorrow they would fall apart.
WOW just wow. When I think that these fuckwits can’t stoop any lower they do. I am sorry you have to be on the receiving end of this. I have a fuckwit that is flaunting the OW in my face too. I have been married for 18 years. I am also a professional that works full time and takes 100% care of the home and kids. I have been told that I a not appreciative of his hard work and money (he’s a surgeon). Funny that the OW is one of his nurses that doesn’t make as much money as I do. I am sure she gives him kibbles though. He drives his fancy sports car to her house and parks it in her driveway so everyone can see he is sleeping over (she is-was married).Nice. They are scum. People keep telling me that the kids will see it. I hope they are right. Being the sane parent is SO HARD but in the end that is what the kids want. They don’t want fancy clothes or a big house. They want YOU. Rise above the bullshit.
Are all surgeons narcs?? It seems they are over represented in their field. I’m in the process of divorcing one myself; he has been having a long-distance affair since 2008 with a fellow surgeon. I’m so glad you are a self-supporting professional. It will greatly hinder his ability to fuck with you. They are all about control. And they really think no one on the planet possibly works as hard as they do. Also, I eventually had to jettison ALL of his medical-related Switzerlands, no matter how tangentially related. They all suck, they are all lemmings, and are not capable of the loyalty I require.
I worked in the operating room for years! Based on my experience, yes, a large % of surgeons are Narcissistic. There is a hierarchy that exists as well, neurosurgeon vs cardiac surgeon, etc. the god-complex that exists with a large percentage of surgeons is nauseating. I honestly believe many would be serial killers if not for the fact they can legally “cut” on a daily basis!! Watching them throw temper tantrum’s in the operating room was always a shit-show to watch. Any fellow operating room nurses on this site will have many “surgeon sicko’s” stories to tell.
Speaking from my own experience, the narcs in medicine gravitate to the highest paying fields of the day, whatever they happens to be. Surgery is a good example, but any field where there is a lot of high-paying procedure work, and a minimum of actual (poorly compensated, but emotionally rewarding) genuine face to face interaction required is a hit with them. That’s probably also true for lawyers, politicians, business entrepreneurs, CEO’s, military, etc.. Fame, fortune, and success, or ideally ALL THREE, like SC’s ex has, is all that matters to these folks. It was very damaging to my own kids, I see now, to always have been measured against those yardsticks (and virtually no others) by their dad. It’s so wonderful to see them finding their way in their 20s now, discovering that being DECENT PEOPLE is something that indeed carries some worth. Neither of them has followed their Dad’s lifestyle choices, and they both seem a bit sorry for him these days, as he lives out his glam-lifestyle dreams with porn star OW. As my son put it, “Oh well, he’s just a Vegas kinda guy.”
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt that Rhys could take Annie on all sorts of nice trips. Can’t say she was happy though.
I SO relate to Super Chump. Partners of my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend are living the high life. Financially, I am not and most likely never will. I’m trying to focus on being rich in integrity and compassion.
Tracy is right that all public figures are “snarked about and despised.” To put that another way, people are watching him, and they are never all fooled. He’s an epically shitty dad, for starters. That the kids were not invited to the wedding says EVERYTHING. OWife does not like these kids messing up her little dysfunctional fairytale. She did not want them upstaging her. He did not want any reminders of the beautiful family he destroyed. And his balls are in her handbag (which is a punishment of its own, right there.) Frankly, I’m surprised she married a divorced man with 4 kids— it’s just an odd choice for a footloose and fancy free rich lady… but then again, she’s disordered, too! His particular “celebrity” status must be that sparkly to her, despite him being less well off than she is. So effed up!
When two narcs marry, pass the popcorn!
I know this ran previously, so I hope the AwesomeLitigatorMomof4 has been off leading an amazing, cheater-free life. I wish I could have had a 4th kid and could make it as a litigator! So already that is some serious mightiness right there. I feel like Nora Ephron’s take on her cheater ex Carl Bernstein in “Heartburn” would be a good read for anyone ever forced to see their ex on tv.
There is a felon who got a ton of publicity when his mug shot went viral. He is extremely good looking. He had a wife and children at home but the sparkly life beckoned. The next thing you know he is all over the news because he is now in a relationship with a billionaire’s daughter. Boats and Cannes and modeling etc. Meanwhile there is a blindsided, heartbroken wife back in the states. Anyone who falls in love with money is about as deep as a mud puddle. These creeps are every where. You can’t fix a person whose sole purpose in life is money and fun. In the meantime I wonder how long the Romance would last if Daddy pulled all his money….or better yet, lost it.
I remember that! I had no idea of the outcome – that’s just sickening! Just goes to show that people who are out for themselves and disregard moral rules rarely ever change – it’s about them!
I remember thinking “yeah, he’s good looking, but I can’t believe people are overlooking his criminality because he has looks – it’s just plan ridiculous!” I remember people saying things like… “he was probably never given a chance. Let’s not judge him as a whole person besed on making a mistake” yada, yada, yada.
Beware of those who are unable to achieve contentment; those who, once they reach a goal or want, are almost instantaneously in search of the next thing. They will never be satisfied with what they have. They may exhibit unusual restlessness especially at times set aside for reflection and relaxation (like vacations and holidays). They may have an almost constant sense of FOMO. They need excitement. They are not the kind who count their blessings. They value people for their utility. Their “loyalty” is merit based.
In the long run there is no “winning them over”, there is no sense in providing help for them to change. They are irreparably damaged. They are toxic. They will drain you. RUN! Save yourself! Save your sanity!
And when enough time and distance have passed with no contact, be grateful for having survived. Sometimes you win by surviving. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are MIGHTY!
That’s an interesting comment about vacations – one of my horrible flaws x listed in his 4+ page speech he wrote to prepare for MC when he was lying about cheating stated I got mad at him every vacay. Real reason was he got weird, restless and mean on vacays and would disappear for hours. As a chump of course I would always forget about it later.
Just describing some characteristics of my ex. But I know from reading enough about narcissists and sociopaths that a lot of the traits are universal.
Forgot to add that they will figure out the bare minimum to give in order to get what they want from you. And they will slowly condition you to accept less and less from them.
When D-day finally hits the fan, or their mask finally slips to reveal their true selves – watch out! They’re most dangerous to you when they realize you know who and what they are. There’s no going back. Get yourself free and safe!
You just completely described my XH!!! These people cannot and will never be content, like you said. Oh, well! Sucks to be them!
To gratefully divorced dad – your statement “you win by surviving” should be on a t/ shirt or bumper sticker!!!!
My soon to be ex recently made a bull – shit narc statement “but I don’t want a divorce/ I was happy 50% of the time”, my response “we weren’t married for 17 yrs, I survived you after 17 yrs”.
I’m a newbie to this site/ wish I had found you guys several years ago!!!
Kind of like the ‘Hunger Games’. You win by surviving.
Love that, gratefully divorced dad!
Welcome, norcal! You are already Mighty! So glad to hear your positive voice here. I’m relatively newbie…been here for 5 months, just 1 month post-Dday(#3) last June. Exponential peace with every passing day of NC w Gray Rock prn for kids. This is my #1 Safe place for Gaining MY cheater-free life. Welcome!
Yep, yep, yep! Gratefully, I have almost never seen a better characterization of my own STBX’s psychological makeup. Constant, constant need for excitement (which might even land him in jail! But, hey, it’s excitement, so it’s all good!!) Thanks for the insight.
That is very true. I would almost feel sorry for these people, if they didn’t leave such a path of destruction in their wake.
My STBX loves social media! He actually got kicked off of FB right after Obama was elected because his goal was “to have more FB friends than Obama and have his personal page become a fan page.” Apparently after so many friends your account is converted or something. Just the fact that he knew that is appalling. He was kicked off because he was friending so many people he didn’t know, and some sane person probably reported him.
Cheaters know the power of mass opinion, and if you can get enough people to think you are fabulous, others jump on the “they must be fabulous” bandwagon. What better way to manufacture that than to advertise only those things you want others to see. The number of cheaters who parade their “it’s twue love” narrative publicly is sickening. I had someone message me on FB And say “your ex (of course we aren’t divorced yet) loves to post pics of his fabulous life.” I blocked that shit before he even moved out, because I knew what was coming. Most of these types would corner the market with careers as image consultants, because they know the power of presentation. While my ex has everyone fawning over “his fabulous life and new “true love” I know the truth. Yes, it’s frustrating that people think he’s so fabulous, but it’s unlikely that the truth would make them change their minds anyway. Who wants to admit they were duped? And if 3000 other people think he’s fabulous- he must be right? It’s all about the psychology of group-think that is part of our human desire for belonging. It has nothing to do with his fabulousness and everything to do with how they market themselves. I think this is just part of the cheater life strategy. I fell for it, my ex had me convinced he was fabulous- then I learned the hard lesson that he isn’t, just like every other chump here. I think it’s natural to want others to know the truth and to be disgusted, but the hard truth is, if it doesn’t affect them, most people don’t give a crap. I think it’s the rare few who are directed by their morals and not by what they get from a situation.
You can’t compete with the marketing genius of “the fabulous life.” You just have to choose to change the channel. Decide you aren’t going to watch the story you can’t change – block that channel from entering your life, the same way you would put filters on the content your kids can access. Filter that shit from your life. The content will still air, but instead of getting worked up over your inability to shut down the network, decide you won’t support it or give it a tick mark on the Nielsen ratings.
Brilliant, man!
I work closely with many in the super-wealthy category because they pay me handsomely to do so. Let me assure you that the majority in that category are some seriously fucked up people. Great wealth comes with a price that in my opinion would be unbearable. I do not envy or admire these people. The truth is, if they were not paying for my services, I would have nothing to do with them. I actually feel sorry for them in some cases. Despite the impression management to the contrary, they are not at all happy.
I envy and admire people like Super Chump and the rest of the fine people here at Chump Nation. Super Chump and the rest of us have been rung through the ringer in ways we could not have anticipated, yet we still get up every day in the face of adversity and do our best to survive and thrive. We have our good days and we have our bad days, but we make the most of them because it is important to do so, both for us and for our loved ones.
I know this is an old post, but Super Chump is anything but a loser, the same as the rest of us. The people that cause us to be here are society’s greatest downfall in my opinion. We can be proud of who we are. They have to live with themselves every single day. Nothing to be proud of there. I really would feel sorry for them if they had not cause so much pain.
SC, I wish we could be friends IRL. I’m also a lady-litigator with four children. Also discarded in a short time for a court-reporter transcript delivery girl X met in his firm’s elevator 3 weeks previously. 27 years gone in one elevator ride, or so I thought. Turns out that he had been a serial cheater for years —- total predator. Biggest con ever. I was completely snowed— literally blindsided by who he really is. Shaken to my core.
DDay was three years ago yesterday. I’m divorced and completely NC. He has no custody and sees our one minor child for a meal or two every month — his choice. He makes $1M a year but pays only state ordered support. I work part time and make less that 10% of his income. But I’m at peace and am providing my children with all of their needs (love, stability, kindness, sanity,devotion, traditions, model of integrity) and most of their material wants. I am proud of who I am.
If you want to connect with me IRL please let Tempest know I am fine with that.
Huge LawMama hugs to you.
This whole post and the comments demonstrate the Lola Principle in spades:
‘Cheaters Never Trade Up.’
Stop pain shopping! Stop looking at the two cheating clowns in the media! Focus on higher things…..such as healing……beauty……kindness…….your kids. Ignore the 2 famous douche bags asap!
It’s only a matter of time before Ms Money bags sees that she married financially “downward.” Sooner or later she will get tired of footing all the bills for their lavish lifestyle. Then what? He’ll probably get the boot. My guess is she’ll find a new man to snatch from his wife and kids. A “snatchable” man (aka another jerk). As for him……..he’ll keep bouncing from skank to skank. Turn away- don’t look!
Rich chumps, poor chumps…….doesn’t matter. Being cheated on and dumped like a piece of garbage sucks.
I think that underlying this kind of frustration is the the belief that life is somehow fair. That in the end people get what they deserve. Therefore, someone who has more money and sparkles IS somehow fabulous.
This often converts into what I think of as ‘Nice Girl/Guy Syndrome’, in which we are told/believe that if we do all the right things, work hard, bend over backwards to make others happy, keep being a good person, then we will receive in kind! The people around us will also work hard, make big efforts to make us happy, and be good people.
SUCH A CROCK!!!!!!
And then when it’s not working, when our life partner turns out to be selfish, our friend lazy about our friendship, our boss doesn’t recognize how well we work, our sibling does not help us when we are in need … well, we default to doing MORE of what we’re good at. I’ll be even BETTER, even NICER, more caring, and that way, the nice magic will work, and people will reciprocate.
If that isn’t working, well, maybe they are a bit insensitive, but surely once I EXPLAIN what I need, and that reciprocity is a reasonable thing, well, then they’ll feel terrible for how they’ve been acting, and become nice too! If I, for once, let them see how sad and lonely and exhausted it makes me feel to be treated so poorly, they will be shocked and horrified, and immediately start acting like good, caring people.
WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!
I’m not saying ‘stop being a good person’. I’m saying, be a good person because that’s who you ARE. But expect, no, DEMAND reciprocity. And when someone doesn’t provide it, walk away. DEMAND to have your work recognized, and when that doesn’t work, if you can at all manage that, walk away. DEMAND to have only good people close to you, and distance yourself from the rest.
And don’t freak out when life is unfair, because that’s just the way it is. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to living YOUR amazing, authentic life.
It is is good to be a decent person for your own sake so that you can be the kind of person you want to be. You can’t control anybody else, but you can control yourself. My Dad is the best Christian I know even though he doesn’t actually believe in Jesus or God. He volunteers at the church and helps others out in many ways. He does this without any expectation of reward in this life or the next. I once asked him why he did all of those things. He said “because I think the world would be a better place if everybody did”. If more people thought that way, the world probably would be a better place.
Meanwhile my ex lamented “I did so much for my family and I didn’t inherit much when my Dad and Grandparents died.”
CIR, thanks for your example.
My narc used the same logic in narc-think: his world would be a better place if everyone thought like him. He said exactly that to our DS21, who was a teen at the time. DS: “Dad, no one thinks like you do.” STBX took this to heart, but it didn’t change him…in any helpful way.
Same concept: different men. Your dad is the bomb, CIR!
And damn, I wish there really were reincarnation, and we could carry a little of what we’ve learned in this life, into the next one. Family, friends and work, I had this all figured out. But in my love relationships, took me until I was 50 years old. Love is wonderful, but it isn’t a sign that you’re meant to be together, or that there is some real connection you can count on. People are NOT all similar, underneath. And not everyone actually cares about others.
Sigh. Too soon old, too late smart.
I love you and everything you write so much.
Really valuable insights. Entering into a “covert contract” is another term I’ve heard for Nice Guy/Girl Syndrome, where we secretly expect reciprocity when we give too much, but have not actually gotten a mutual agreement about getting anything in return.
I think with a lot of the narc cheaters, especially the covert narcs like my ex, there WAS a mutual agreement about what we wanted and worked towards, as a couple and a family. What I hadn’t realized is that this was mostly love-bombing and mirroring. He not only doesn’t share my values, he doesn’t even share my lifestyle choices or preferences, but he sure made it seem like he did, in the first year or so, and hid the differences well for a lot longer after that, because he knew that when I realized who he actually was, he’d be toast.
And I think ‘giving more’ and working harder are reasonable things to do, in a relationship, a family, a friendship or at work. They are reasonable IN A CRISIS, in a difficult moment, when the other person needs us. The problem becomes that we don’t scale back after the crisis, and we keep giving more, and more, and more, because nobody is stepping back in, and we take soooo long to realize there is no reciprocity, the other will not step up when we need them, and do their part.
Blergh.
I think with a lot of the narc cheaters, especially the covert narcs like my ex, there WAS a mutual agreement about what we wanted and worked towards, as a couple and a family. What I hadn’t realized is that this was mostly love-bombing and mirroring. He not only doesn’t share my values, he doesn’t even share my lifestyle choices or preferences, but he sure made it seem like he did, in the first year or so, and hid the differences well for a lot longer after that, because he knew that when I realized who he actually was, he’d be toast.
And I think ‘giving more’ and working harder are reasonable things to do, in a relationship, a family, a friendship or at work. They are reasonable IN A CRISIS, in a difficult moment, when the other person needs us. The problem becomes that we don’t scale back after the crisis, and we keep giving more, and more, and more, because nobody is stepping back in, and we take soooo long to realize there is no reciprocity, the other will not step up when we need them, and do their part.
Blergh.
Stop comparing yourself to shallow soulless creatures to whom appearances are everything. And stop reading the obviously engineered to make them look good stories. The probably have an impression management team. Be sure they WANT you to feel bad by planting (yes they are planting) these stories. I’d bet things aren’t so rosey behind closed doors
Get to a good Trauma Counselor ASAP. You need it. Please do this for yourself and Gray Rock Mr and Mrs Douchebag completely
Yup big surprises typical loser running away from his responsibilities! Some of these men are pathetic, get married, family then run away I don’t understand why this isn’t illegal?
I agree. Felony illegal! Breach of contract, diversion of marital assets, alienation of affection, abandonment of parental responsibility, intentional exposure to potentially infectious or deadly diseases, and all the various wrinkles these selfish shells of humans dole out. Sadly, laws that had been on the books in regards to any of these charges have been done away with by the very types of people who perpetrate them. IMO, of course.
Ah, yes, the Bazillionaire cheater-whore. Familiar!!
Crapweasel tried out a (series?) of cheesy-tacky, yet well to do, whorestresses (emphasis on stress) before settling on a former college GF (who had dumped him after a couple months, but before we met.)
They were both married when they met again and twu-wuv struck.
Thankfully I had gotten a post-nup (see whore-stresses, above), and was moving forward with a divorce. Little Miss Richy-Bitch, aka Narcissa-California tried to poke her nose cross country into my divorce negotiations, but I slapped her silly, since I had signed documents yadda yadda.
Having never raised any kids herself, she tried once to tell me I was a bad mother b/c I was angry about the cheating. But that was years ago. I have truly moved to a new life. He is just old entertainment, as in, “can you believe this shit?!?”
She has a very unpleasant disease–well, she also has a neurological disorder. I just wonder if crapweasel will find a new target once she hits the wheelchair.
And the most representative image to me: one Christmas, he posted an image of their groovy California mid-century place, with its groovy mid-century tinsel tree. None of the wonderful–priceless–ornaments made by loving pudgy child hands with pipe cleaners, construction paper and glue could be seen. And he may wonder why his only child won’t take his calls. Dotard. Dolt. Dummy. Douchecanoe.
I hate the fact that he is only giving you 2% of his annual income. That’s disgusting. Since he is a public figure and spoken about by the media so much, why don’t you leak the 2% information to the press? What is he going to do in revenge? Give you 1%? The very least thing a cheating ex should do is to provide financially for their family. The media will have a field day with this information and he may start giving you more money. It’s a win win.
I was wondering about that too.
Here in Alabama, it’s 30% +/- of gross monthly income at the time of the divorce.
I can’t believe she only gets 2% for four kids, that’s nuts.
There are ways around that, but he cannot pull that trick while staying in the media as a rich “figure”.
Yeah, confide this information in some of your friends. See how fast the show hits the screens.
This story reminds me of those assholes, Chris Evert and Greg Norman. I watched on youtube while the smirking cheaters bashed Norman’s ex-wife and could not understand the pain they inflicted on their spouses. No surprise that they lack empathy , as both are NPD.
So I had to google those names because I was curious to read more, and apparently they divorced after fifteen months. The first article that came up said “What went wrong?” lol. Seriously? Who writes these articles? What went wrong, good grief. How about they are both lying cheating kibble=chasing self-centered assholes. I mean, what could go wrong? lol
There was an article about Evert’s ex. He was Greg Norman’s best friend so he was stabbed in the back twice.
And once more for added emphasis, the Lola Principle:
CHEATERS. NEVER. TRADE. UP.
Truth right there!!!!
They are NEVER an upgrade.
Amen to that!! Cheaters never trade up!
I’m watching up close and personal, my soon to be ex being “groomed” by his married AP and being taken for a ride. The AP is making him believe that she is “helping” him to hide marital assets through a company that’s in her name only, he’s a silent partner….all she is doing is making money from his stupidity, when she’s done – my soon to be ex will be kicked to the curb wondering wtf just happened.
Gotta love Karma
Exh1’s OWhore wasn’t a billionaire, by any stretch of the imagination, buuuuuuuut, she offered a much more “sparkly” life than I was with him, so off he went.
Five years later, Mrs. Sparkles threw him out on his ass— he was unemployed, no car, no resources, nothing. He actually ended up in the psych ward for a 48-hour hold after suicide attempt a couple months after…
They had spent the previous five-six years making me look a bitter bunny, a bad mom, a loser… Disney trips, his family adored her, etc. It was hell on Earth for me. Thank God there wasn’t social media, but there was the ballpark, which at times was worse, but we got through it. We endured. We survived.
I found a life during those years, got my shit together, and found Meh, but stayed ever- present in my DS’S lives. I stayed the sane parent. I had to deal with that bullshit of clothes, toys, belongings having to stay at their house and vise versa. Ugh, it’s almost like the kids have literally separate world’s, and neither feel like home, but at least they see them very little in your sake.
By the time Mrs. Sparkles was throwing exh1 out, I was already long-standing in Meh-topia about him.
Even now, 10 plus years since she threw exh1 out, his family is still very close to Mrs. Sparkles. In fact, exh1’s family cut ties with exh1 in favor of Mrs. Sparkles. Ironic, exh1 thought that by leaving me for her, his family would be closer to him. April Fool’s, Dumb-Ass
Fast forward 15 years now since exh1 tossed me aside for Mrs. Sparkles. He’s now with Wife#5, minus his family (except for his dad and stepmom, the rest of his family have nothing to do with him)… Our DS’S are now adults have survived, and grown up into fine young men.
Chump Lady is so right — the pain is finite. It does get better.
Focus on you and your four.
They are plastic. They are their own worse enemies
Ho ho ho! To the clothes thing. My XH does the same: shows off my son in clothes he bought, but doesn’t send them over. And you know what? I would not dress my child in that crap anyway. The only time he sent my son wearing different clothes, I bagged them and left them outside the door! No thank you! That trash is not entering my house!
Your kids know. They may not be able to give voice those feelings, but they know. No matter the amount of money your x has, he cannot give your children love. Only you have that! To me, that’s the biggest prize. Enjoy your children, they are your treasure. And it’s for life! You teach your children how to be real, no flashy car or props can stand the test of real life!
Hugs.
Is it just me, or is anyone else trying to mentally play the game of “guess that rich douchebag couple!” ? ????????????
I kinda thought so. But I’m not equipped to play. It doesn’t really matter, though. A cheater is a cheater.
Most of us know the media peddle stories. Fairy tales. But it is hard to believe musical significant others are the answer to “and they lived
happily ever after” especially when there is an ugly overlap. No matter what is stated about the ones left (which is always the better story????), we know those people moving forward are challenged. Examples abound in the celebrity world. The truth always “will out” and is easily seen by those who can read between the lines. When one always needs to say “look at ME!” there is often not a lot of “and a beautiful life followed.” Many of our exes valued sparkley over substance, kibbles over authenticity, and they don’t end up with real love. IMHO, you can’t begin a fairy tale by lying, stealing, and hurting others.