Dear Chump Lady, He doesn’t feel sorry, he just feels bad. WTF?
Dear Chump Lady,
I just had a conversation with my cheating husband. He now admits to at least a part of what he did, although he still maintains that there was no EA. They just had a secret “friendship” for 20 plus years. The name Sexy Beast was just a joke, yada, yada…
He says he doesn’t feel sorry for any of it. He just feels bad. What could he possibly mean aside from feeling the loss of his kibbles? I can’t wrap my head around his response!
We are still living together and it is very tense. I am ready to check in with my attorney to see if the ducks are in the row. Younger me would have been gone by now. Older smarter me listens to my lawyer. But I do wonder what kind of “bad” cheaters feel.
Yours,
Linda2
Oh Linda2, I can’t pretend to be inside the head of every cheater to know what they feel. (Nothing? Peckish? Mildly annoyed?) But you do point to a very common phenomena among cheaters — this whole I Don’t Regret the Affair, I Regret People Were Hurt bullshit.
HuffPo runs one of these narcissistic fluff pieces every week. The affair? It was magical. They explored undiscovered corners of their soul! They laughed! They cried! They loved! But lest they look completely inhuman, the cheater throws out a few little kibbles of “remorse.” Yes, the little people were hurt. That was regrettable. But the chump now understands the cheater’s paramount need for happiness and they’ve forged a friendship. So don’t judge them! When the goal is happiness (who can fault happiness?), you’ve got to break a few eggs to make a happy omelet.
Try this logic on something else and see how it fares.
I don’t regret defrauding investors. (You should see my yacht!) I regret that they feel hurt.
I’m not sorry I molested choir boys. I just feel bad (that I’m under indictment).
I love money, so I mugged that old lady. (I bought these awesome shoes!) I regret she feels pistol-whipped.
So let’s put your husband’s “EA” through the Universal Bullshit Translator.
He says he doesn’t feel sorry for any of it.
Apparently you are unaware of everything he’s been up to. So he did NOTHING! And if he did nothing? Why there is nothing to be sorry about! You’re just making a big deal out of nothing! Demanding apologies when apologies are not warranted.
He has a friend who calls him “Sexy Beast.” So what? Don’t you have friends who call you funny names like Twinkle Toes and Apple Cheeks? Same thing.
Just because he kept his friendship hidden for 20 years is nothing to get upset about. You wouldn’t understand, so he didn’t tell you. Your dim-wittedness and lack of understanding is nothing HE should apologize to YOU about. I’m sorry you’re not more sophisticated.
He just feels bad.
He feels bad he has to explain his friendship to you. It’s exhausting. He feels bad that you might levy some sort of undeserved consequences on his innocent friendship.
You should feel bad for making him feel bad!
Poor sausage. He feels BAD.
But not sorry, because only people who Do Bad Things apologize. But he’s blameless!
Linda2 — are you connecting the dots here? He’s mindfucking you. Manipulation doesn’t spring out of feelings, it comes from Machiavellian self interest. So stop asking yourself what he’s feeling and start paying attention to what he is doing — not taking responsibility for his actions. Not apologizing.
So long as he’s continuing to snow you about his 20-year secret relationship, you’ve got nothing to work with. Please line those ducks up with the lawyer soonest.
I haven’t read the article yet – just the title and I’m already in tears crying laughing because I understand it all too well with the email I just received from my Ex. Oh, I have a pain in my side from laughing so hard from the reality.
I’ve heard so many sappy “I’m sorrys” none of them true apologies. An apology would require thought, empathy and true remorse. I figure if he ever ends up AA and makes it to step 8, I might see that unicorn. Not holding my breath…lawyered up, getting divorced this summer!!!
Briana—Yes, I always finish my X’s apologies in my head,
“I’m sorry [because I got caught],”
“I’m really sorry [that you found that out and now I look like the bad guy instead of just an innocent in a tumultuous marriage],”
“I regret it [because now you’ll probably tell our friends and portray me as the narcissistic, entitled piece of shit that I really am].”
“I’m sorry [because now I”m living in a crappy hotel room without you or my dogs, and one of my daughters won’t speak to me].”
LOL!!!…….”Narcissistic, entitled piece of shit.” Why are there so many of these psycho’s in this world?
Tempest has nailed it.
I don’t know why at this point, but I remain continuously amazed at the lack of originality in the responses from cheaters.
My STBXW also gave me the “I regret the affair, but not what if did for me.”
The interesting thing with this reasoning, as is the case for things such as explanations / excuses offered for affairs by cheaters, is what is NOT said. For example, chumps need to remind one another that any affair explanation / excuse from a cheater HAS to have the following unspoken phrase prepended to it in order to place it in the context of reality: “[ I felt entitled to cheat on you because, ].” The mindf*ckery lies in the omissions.
In the “I regret the affair, but not what if did for me” case, the sentence MUST be rewritten as “I regret the affair [because I got caught, and now have to deal with responsible adult consequences for my terrible actions], but not what it did for me [ because if I don’t reframe this in some positive way, I have to do the difficult work of looking at the true fallout of my behavior on others, such as family members and children, and that is too much for me to handle because I have character issues ].”
Aaaand, not once does he even think one iota for the other half of the relationship puzzle (ie. you) in that phrase – self centred prick!
This is exactly what my ex is telling anyone who listens (which is a precious few now that she’s alienated herself)…. I’m sorry it happened but it was what was right for me in the end. Such BS…
Sephage, you are so right. My ex gave me some version of ‘Sorry people got hurt but not sorry about what happened’ or some such horseshit. I’ve blocked most of it from my mind but do remember something along those lines. It was bullshit. He was pissed he got caught and remains pissed to this day that I not only discovered final OW but also discovered the other OW, and then told anyone who would listen after I kicked his ass out.
He still spends silly amounts of time trying to piss me off, even after four years. What a tosspot.
LMAO @ Nord…… “and then told anyone who would listen after I kicked his ass out.”
THIS^^^ Same here….
X “would you please stop telling EVERYONE my business, what a piece of shit I am?!”
Me “I’m telling everyone MY business which happens to be that you CHEATED just like I warned you that I would…. should you ever cheat…. which you did.”
My STBX wanted to know why I was trying to turn everyone against him. Uh, forget about your wife and two children you ran out on…how you doin’? It truly is ALL ABOUT THEM.
I got that schtick:” Why are you ruining my reputation? I will sue you for slander. My response (with props to Dat), “It isn’t slander if it is true.”
You are absolutely right Nord!! That is exactly what I said….. “I am telling people what happened when they ASK what happened to US…. and I’m NOT telling lies or anything. If what I TELL people gets scrambled around by the time it gets back to you it isn’t my problem that they choose to ad lib the story!!” Suck it up buttercup. Boofuckinhoo.
The funniest thing is that when they say ‘you’re turning people against me!’ or ‘you’re ruining my reputation!’ it never occurs to them that all we do is tell the truth. How people perceive that truth is out of our hands. Just like their actions. And the consequences. They really don’t like that the truth makes them be perceived as assholes.
Yeah, he’s pissed, his family is pissed. Tore down the shopfront big time and they didn’t like it. Too bad. I was so freaked out by what I discovered that Satan himself couldn’t have gotten me to shut up. I absolutely HAD to talk about it just to start making sense of it.
Please tell me they eventually leave you be…
They leave you alone once the children are no longer a factor (i.e. child support). Once that is no longer an issue, they drop off your radar screen in fairly short order. Until then, it’s Super Fun Happy Time™. 😛
WEll, four more years, then.
I’d like to think so but every time I think it’s abated he pops up with some new bullshit. Today, as a matter of fact.
Damn. Times infinity.
Sephage: Or. [changes in all caps]..“I regret the affair [because I got caught, and now have to deal with responsible adult consequences for my terrible actions], but not what it did for me [ because HOT DIGGETY, WHO WOULDN’T LIKE A STRING OF ORGASMS!!!!].”
Or. [changes in all caps]..“I regret the affair [because I got caught, and now have to deal with responsible adult consequences for my terrible actions], but not what it did for me [ because SHE MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT BEING THE LOW DOWN DIRTY SHIT I DID PLUS SHE MAKES ME FORGET WHAT A LOSER I AM WHO CANT FACE ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES AND HAVE ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY !!!!].
For Tempest: “because HOT DIGGITY, WHO WOULDN’T LIKE A STRING OF ORGASMS?!!!”
I was eating a bit of breakfast as I read this one – and proceeded to laugh so hard I think I still have granola coming out my nose…..Thank you for the Monday morning lift!
My favorite is still “I’m sorry I wasn’t emotionally intelligent enough to know I was unhappy.” Even at my lowest I recognized that for the bullshit it was and said “You still knew right from wrong!”
Tempest – HA!!!
Another item to help chumps put things into proper perspective:
My daughter was 6 (now just turned 7) back in November when I confronted her mother about the affair. My daughter knew something was up and that mom and dad might be splitting up, and she told me that she wanted me to give mommy one more chance. So I did; I hung on as long as I could (about 5 months), with ZERO sincere reconciliation from my STBXW.
During that time, my daughter made it pretty clear that she didn’t care about her parents’ issues, she just wanted everyone to buck up and work together to try to have an intact family unit. I was prepared to suck it up and do just that, my STBXW wasn’t.
So… in my example, A SIX YEAR OLD GIRL HAD A MORE MATURE HANDLE ON THE SITUATION than a 43 year old mother!
Talk about perspective! When that hit home for me, I filed.
Same here sephage, the morning I found the “secret” phone that idiot purchased on a new plan for him & OWhore we got into it pretty bad, I could NOT contain myself unfortunately (we all have a breaking point). This time his volcanic rage didn’t back me down & I screamed right back…. unfortunately it woke our son up….. I will NEVER EVER forget him standing there with his pillow, tears running down his face as he said “Mommy… please don’t dump my Daddy” (and I have NO idea where he acquired “dump” into his vocabulary). The messages I had read were GUT wrenching and I literally felt like my heart was splitting in two….. and I screamed at him to “get the FUCK out!!!” Asshole was already gone…. he just hadn’t left…. that happened 6 weeks later.
There was ZERO remorse shown during ANY of this toward our son….. not ONE tear shed by that fucker when he broke his son’s heart. He is NOT redeemable!! Me & my son deserve better.
FMT, YES he is!! And thank you very much….. I hurt more for the pain my son is suffering than anything else, if you ever met my son it would hurt your heart even more. He is truly an amazing little boy. I need to remember to thank God every day for my strength, I shudder to think where I’d be without it…. probably in the mental ward.
Thank you again for the compliment & love back to you.
NCStevie, your ex is a complete shithead. I am so sorry for your little boy, and so thankful he’s got such a strong mom who can show him what integrity looks like. Love to you!
I completely understand NCStevie. My ex-hole has not made one attempt to apologize. He STILL thinks he has DONE NOTHING WRONG!
He is so self centered, he paraded his “granny ‘ho” around our small town and in front of our church while he was still married and still living with me and the kids.
If I even get a half or one quarter-hearted apology, I would pass out. They (she is just as responsible) destroyed the family and the two kids and have not one bit of remorse. I am waiting for that lightning strike…
Sounds like our exes are the reason why Chump Lady refers to those people “trust that they suck”.
Yup, these cheaters typically have the emotional maturity and impulse control of 3 year olds.
LMAO Now that is being mean to 3 year olds Tempest. LMAO!
My personal favorite: “I’m sorry I’m hurting you.” (But, not enough apparently to stop doing it?!?!?). Asshole
I heard, “I’m sorry I ruined your life. I didn’t mean to.” Lying POS cheater. Just waiting for the lawyer to file divorce papers.
MAJToo–Don’t let the cheater ruin your life It feels like he/she has now, but take steps to carve out the life you want and in a year you will be in a MUCH better place.
Ok, that just sucks. It’s not like your sunglasses got sat on or something… I’m sorry. That’s a shitty “apology.”
…I got way more than that!…I got…”I’m so sorry”…quickly followed by “It would have never happened if I had been happy”.
Wow… TYPICAL cheaterspeak. This afternoon… X called about the electric bill and suddenly I’m hearing… “you assume that I am happy…. you assume that I have it easy…… you have a lot of misconceptions about me.” I said “I do NOT have a lot of misconceptions, I know you work hard and I’m sorry…. but HOW can you be unhappy NOW??? You should be FANTASTIC!! I was the CAUSE of all that was unhappiness in your world… and I have been REMOVED…. so POOF!!! you should be fucking happy now!!” suck on that asshole.
Brilliant, NCStevie! Logic 101–he claims unhappiness in the marriage, you release him from the marriage, he should be elated!!
I made a similar comment–my X didn’t really like family life or having kids, or only getting to screw one woman. So now–No kids!! No dogs!! No responsibilities!! All the freedom and p*ssy he can handle!! Should be ecstatic!
EXACTLY!!! @ Moose…… I heard almost the same thing…. but he wouldn’t OWN that he was causing it…. I got “I’m sorry you’re hurting”…. but alas…. not enough for my ASSHOLE to stop either….. disordered POS.
Ohhhhhh I am so close to “meh” and I am LIKING it SO much better than the pain I was in!! Oh how I trust that he sucks!! He kept smiling at me in church yesterday and I seriously had to restrain myself from slapping that stupid smile off of his face!!
My apologie was “I’m sorry you feel that way”. WTF. “You need to change your perspective”
I did. I changed from ongoing chump thinking to I’d rather go it alone. No regrets.
The other day another chump said “sorry not sorry” at the end of her comment (TBJ I believe) and it has stuck with me ever since. It was in reference to not being sorry for her cheater’s discomfort but it REALLY reminds me of cheaters. When they “apologize” I believe THIS is actually what they mean….. sorry not sorry. Because they AREN’T.
My cheater X has expressed his “sorry-ass sorry” to me two (maybe 3) times via text….. followed by “I really mean it” and yet his behavior NEVER changes. He is NOT sorry he blew our lives up (he deserves to be HAPPY) and ANY nice he exhibits is to benefit HIM. He is only SORRY that I still confront him and call him out on his bullshit and that it ruins his “vibe” and I don’t back down anymore, he is only sorry that THIS chump has seen through his bullshit…. the mask doesn’t work for me anymore. He still withholds money (needed to support his son) while spending TONS on himself & traveling, he still promises to call son and conveniently doesn’t….. and on and on.
My cheater X suffers from masochistic avoidance and he is nearing the end of ability to avoid the consequences. It is a shame…. but it is deserved.
Yep…. sorry not sorry…… that’s cheaters and once chumps have had enough…. that’s us…. sorry not sorry either asshole.
That’s awesome: “his VIBE”! I love that! May have to borrow that one.
And to Nord’s point, I’m going on almost 18 months with Cheater out of my house, 13 weeks officially divorced, and their bullshit of trying to make you mad still hasn’t ended. If anything, it seems to have escalated since divorce was finalized.
I saw a very interesting book listed on Amazon : “The Road to Character” by David Brooks. The introduction looks very good “how some people have cultivated strong character. It’s about one mindset that people through the centuries have adopted to put iron in their core and to cultivate a wise heart. I wrote it to save my soul.” The first chapter is called “The Shift ” and Brooks writes that the American people have become self-centered. He writes, “this leads to selfishness, the desire to use other people as means to get things for yourself. It also leads to pride, the desire to see yourself as superior to everybody else.”
I wonder if he profiled some chumps for his books!
I don’t think it’s just Americans. I think it’s quite universal.
It’s universal. Trust me. I deal with people from all over the world in the field I work in and it’s universal.
NC Stevie…. Its the same difference as nice and kind. They say sorry because its the reflex ‘ nice’ thing to do. Just table manners.
I make a point of saying ‘ sorry’ everytime i have to have an exchange with him. ‘ Sorry, that u didnt understand that we have a court ordered visitation schedule that u must follow. Sorry that i had to tell yr boss you were harassing me. Sorry that u have to still pay for the car. Sorry that I cant understand what yr saying when u are screaming’
Yup… I am real fucking polite these days. Sorry mother fucker.
@ The Clip…. and for the record….. that always saying sorry to cheater is brilliant…… I think I am going to start that too, it will give me tingles….. “I’m sorry” “I’m really sorry. I mean it.” Assholes.
@ The Clip….. you ALWAYS keep me entertained!!!! “Sorry Mother Fucker!!” is EXACTLY right!!
My X Mother Fucker has NO idea of the shit storm that is about to invade his miserable cheating life. Just looked up the last day of school and it is May 21st…. THAT dear fellow chumps is DAY number ONE of my fucking FREEDOM!!! I will NO longer be in the control of the miserable asshole or his path of destruction…… my ass will be OUT of this house and I will NO longer have to give a fat shit if he pays the rent or NOT…. our landlord is locking his ass out once I take my stuff and HE is NOT my PROBLEM anymore muahahahahahah…. CAN’T.FUCKING.WAIT. WOO HOO!!
(standing up and WILDLY cheering) !!!!
YOU GO KID !!!
i was at that point in the very end of everything. unfortunately i was super pathetic and couldnt understand why he was so angry (blame shifting), why he was so confused to what i was saying to him (of course he is twisting everything i said and he was NOT confused), why is he being so hateful and cruel (because she was standing right there listening and he had to keep up with the storyline he fed her)…..so i was the one who was apologizing over and over… i’m sorry you thought i said that, i’m sorry i didnt treat you right, i’m sorry for hurting your feelings, i’m sorry i should have tried harder, i’m sorry i should have told you how much we appreciated you, i’m sorry _______.
now i am just like UGH!!!! i am ashamed of myself. but yes, i will probably keep saying it since it seems to calm him down and make him more manageable. i can see me saying i’m sorry you missed your visitation, i’m sorry the kids want nothing to do with you since you havent seen them in a year, i’m sorry the state is going after you for back child support……
My hand is raised on this too…… it’s what we do…. try to “fix” it.
Me: “I’m sorry you were in pain, I’m sorry you didn’t feel appreciated, I’m sorry you hate what you do for a living, I’m sorry I failed you somehow, I’m sorry I didn’t know, I’m sorry I didn’t understand, I’m sorry I couldn’t read your mind”….. and when none of that worked…. FINALLY……. “I’m sorry you’re a cheating, lying asshole”.
And NOW…… i say…… “sorry not sorry asshole” (Thank you TBJ) XOXO!!! I don’t give a SHIT about managing him, NOT.MY.JOB. As pointed out several times by other chumps…. I.GOT.FIRED. His crybaby bullshit and feeling sorry for himself is now OWHORE’S problem….. HER job to make him “feew aww bettew”!! Tah dah!!!!
Considering “I” was the problem and couldn’t make him “feel” better about his shitty life…. and SHE can….. she can spackle over his “unhappiness” that can’t be “unhappiness” because he should be “happy” now right??? Enjoying your freedom now asshole? Suck it! Funny thing…. shit hasn’t even gotten real for him yet….. but it’s coming lol.
Me: “I’m sorry you were in pain, I’m sorry you didn’t feel appreciated, I’m sorry you hate what you do for a living, I’m sorry I failed you somehow, I’m sorry I didn’t know, I’m sorry I didn’t understand, I’m sorry I couldn’t read your mind”….. and when none of that worked…. FINALLY……. “I’m sorry you’re a cheating, lying asshole”.
Oh, you got the same EXACT reasons I did for why he had to bail! What chapter is that in the cheater handbook, again?
TheClip–no surprises, we all expected you to be the damn Emily Post of infidelity ; ).
The Clip: Great stuff.
Yep, it was one of my favorite goofy quotes I’d say as a joke but it’s taken on a whole new mraning(s) since DDay. It’s exactly the way cheaters think, it’s in the same vein to them as someone saying “yeah, I was really angry at Nancy for talking behind my back so when I confronted her I told her off. SorryNotSorry.”
Yep, it’s that simple. “Well I sorta kinda feel bad that maybe what I did is YOUR version of cheating…but you know our marriage was dead a long time ago and you’ve been nagging me for years and you didn’t appreciate that one time I fixed the leaky faucet enough…so I went outside our relationship to dedicate the time I should’ve been spending with my partner & child with a stranger who enjoys effing married men/women…SorryNotSorry.”
Because they have no depth of character. Shallow, shallow bottom feeders, they are. They’re the algae eaters of the world; other fish swim to the surface to get the food and they lie and wait until the left over bits fall to the bottom. Sure it’s not as delicious or as filling as the food the other fish get but shit, they’re lazy & would rather have shitty food fall into their mouths than to work their way to the top for the good stuff.
We deserve better, we deserve a fish that’s willing to swim to the top to get the good stuff. We are the good stuff.
Why do we (most chumps?) care so much that our cheaters understand how wrong what they did was and how hurt we are? Why is it so important that we feel like they get that? And why do we care? It’s possible he will never admit to how he fucked everything up. And that his much shittier life post divorce is his fault, not mine? I get a lot of “I know what I did was wrong but…” I guess I just need to let that go. Everyone else sees it but him.
That’s a great point, Dancing. And one I have had to remind myself of many times. Who really gives a shit that he admits, understands, or agrees that he’s an asshole and fucked up a lot of people’s lives. I know it and that’s all that matters. The only time I care is when he tries to fill the kids’ heads with bullshit about how cheating is normal and whoopsie, he just happened to fall into various vaginas.
Who cares is exactly the right attitude.
I think I cared because I knew it would be a requirement for reconciliation that my cheater comprehend the damage and trauma inflicted on me. So if you are attempting a reconciliation, in order to reestablish some connection, some intimacy, that cheater dumwit better have some notion of the pain you experienced directly because of their selfish actions.
But alas, I think most cheaters are not capable of this, leaving the chump with nothing to work with.
Post divorce, yeah I agree, I’m not sure why a chump would care about this fantasy.
Part of the freedom of “meh” is no longer wasting precious time and resources on users and abusers.
My post divorce wish for him is to thoroughly enjoy the fantasy life he envisioned. And with him goes the deception lies, and ability to BLAMESHIFT.
I am over the discard, sadistical insults, twisted entitlement, and whores. Not my problem anymore.
I had a tendency to torture myself before I recognized him as the narcissistic asshole fucktard he has always been. I used to dwell on how he could erase me from his life without any remorse or compassion. I wasted months crying about the way he discarded me after 41 years.
The pain will always be there as a reminder to embrace my freedom and passion for life.
My divorce will soon be finalized and I will never look back. I have made the decision to NEVER have contact with him again. It is tempting to dwell on just how fucked up his life has become since he downsized. However, just as we trust that they suck, we also have to trust that they have not changed and will not seek help.
Not my problem any more.
NMD – Yep let it go girl! Same here, 31 years and STBXh is on his way out of my life. Realizing that it was my mission to try to make him understand how and what he did. He figured a one time Im SORRY 28 years ago (1st Dday) should have covered all the other horrendous acts of cheating in many forms. Geez, a guy needs a break! I’ve realized finally how fucked up HE is not me! I get it, I don’t need any more proof. I will not feel anything…..once he is gone from my life. I hope he suffers financially, physically, emotionally, and I will be thinking SORRY! 🙂
^^^^ THIS ^^^^ “I will not feel anything…..once he is gone from my life. I hope he suffers financially, physically, emotionally, and I will be thinking SORRY!”
I am so close to meh…
Yeppers… me too!! What she said lol 😀
Because of just that…we CARE. We care about people, their feelings, their thoughts. We care when someone is hurt, upset or angry. We care when we have hurt someone or we ourselves are hurt. We CARE. Simple as that. These entitled babies don’t care about anything, including themselves. They have no problems effing up our lives, their children’s, other families…even their own. They are pitiful excuses for human beings. We should shake them off our shoes and walk on. But, we don’t. Because we CARE.
Absolutely right moose, even though i get righteously pissed off and vent…… I still care…… I don’t want to…. but I do. Guilty.
The only thing that will save me from continuing to care about X is that my son comes first and that will be X’s undoing. I won’t go out of my way to do anything to hurt him…. but I can gloat a little at what he brings on himself and do what is necessary to support and protect my son.
I’m still chumping it up today. Trying to convince someone that they are loved, missed, wanted, appreciated by me and our children. And asking him to please com home. WHY DO I DO THIS?! He obviously gives a shit about no one else but himself. He should be begging us to come home. I want to be at meh!!!
Moose–you can’t get to meh without first divorcing the cheater and going no-contact (except for practical & custody issues). Take those steps, and stop trying to convince the jerk that you appreciate him. Why would you appreciate him? As CL says, why would you pine for a flaming dog turd? (And get thee to the “Trust that they Suck” column immediately. Print it out and read it 3 times a day–it helped me immensely.)
Tempest, I’m headed that down that road. Filed already and trying to be NC, but jerk won’t leave me alone. I’m done trying to convince someone he is loved. I’ve done enough, as have my kids. It’s on him now. Enjoy your pathetic life.
I am So sorry moose, I have been there. YES…. they SHOULD be begging to come home…. but they won’t. I’m eight months out from DDay and 5 months with him out of the house, the last time I “asked” him or “told” him that we wanted him to come home was the end of January. I have fought with him since then about his blame-shifting bullshit….. and two weeks ago when he picked up my son I asked (like a dumbass) if he was SURE “this” was what he wanted, he said “okay” but never said anything after that. Chumpy me trying to make “sure” before I start packing up my life to move. My X is a screwed up asshole, he is irrevocably broken but he is not malicious, he is very non-confrontational and doesn’t really cause problems (it drives me mad) and it makes it even harder. But I will NEVER ask him to come home again…. EVER!!!
Unfortunately… and truthfully…. we don’t just STOP loving them because they are incapable and the jig is up, we are NOT wired that way. I am grateful for that, I trust that he sucks and I would NOT want to be like him. I’ll take the pain and be grateful that I am able to love and take comfort in that.
Time is your friend….. time is what you will need to get to “meh”. There is SO much information out there on these disordered assholes….. I have shared a link below to one that helped me a lot (I’m planning to get the book).
http://samvak.tripod.com/indifference.html
Thank you NcStevie for the link. I still try to wrap my brain around my H’s sick behaviors. This article is such a validation.
My ex never uttered a sorry at all, his poor sausage statement always started with “I didn’t do anything wrong”. And the turnabout where he’d tell me he was the one hurt while the whole “thing” had helped me…he’s so not special…
“He was the one hurt while the whole “thing” had helped me…”
Yeah, that’s one of the few things that still rankles me, though I’ve reached indifference in so many other ways. Cheaters get to justify the results, no matter what they are, to themselves as proof that what they did was the right thing to do. No matter what the turnout is for the chump, the cheater can find reasons not to be sorry for it.
Chump hasn’t found a new relationship? See, I told you the sex life was bad/non-existent! I’m better off out here! I did the right thing and I’m not sorry.
Chump has found a great new relationship? See, I knew they were better off without me. I did the right thing, why should I be sorry?
Chump has struggled financially since? So glad I’m not still part of that. Phew. Dodged a bullet. Not sorry.
Chump has flourished financially? I taught them that, or see what they can do without me holding them back? My actions helped that along. Not sorry.
The children are suffering emotionally? I’m a better parent because I’m happier out of the relationship but I can only do so much. Not sorry.
Hmmmm HC, the narc’s importance must never be ignored. They helped you out by hurting you before they got up and left. Ya that makes a lot of sense, but I guess that’s what it’s like to have such deserved entitlement. Idiots and their justifications all of them.
I could maybe count on two hands, over 30 years, that my X said sorry about ANYTHING.
Same here, onthehill. I’ve lnown mine 7 years but any apology I ever received undone in the next argument. If he felt forced into a faux apology because he knew he SHOULD be sorry he would give me one of those “I’m sorry you felt that way” or “I’m sorry you took it that way”, which we all know is not a real apology, and then he’d stash that shit in his pocket because he was so pissed that he felt pressured to own his actions. Then a week, a month, a year down the road amidst another argument all together, BOOM, “I wasn’t sorry for that thing I did 2 years ago that was actually terrible but I refuse to believe it was and since then I’ve manipulated a way to teist that into bring your fault and here’s how…”
EFF ME….who behaves that way? Loonies…that’s who.
Half the time I’d completely nadir gotten wtf he was even referring to and the details of that past argument. Just the way he wanted it….
Dear Lord, my apologies for my typos. I got really excited with that post and neglected to proof read it…2 years from now I’ll find a way to blame that on someone else…lmao!
Thank you, yet again TBJ, for another laugh….. I actually laughed out loud and snorted and all…..
THIS >>>>> “BOOM, “I wasn’t sorry for that thing I did 2 years ago that was actually terrible but I refuse to believe it was and since then I’ve manipulated a way to teist that into bring your fault and here’s how…”
EFF ME….who behaves that way? Loonies…that’s who. “
You are welcome. I’d imagine part of the hilarity might’ve been from the obscene amount of typos you were trying to decode. Lol.
I’ll be here all week!
Jamie, I am killing myself laughing here! And don’t worry, we can always figure out what people MEANT to say over what they actually typed.
Thank god! Because i swear some of my stuff is hieroglyphics or sanscrit
Thanks guys, I reread that and was embarrassed by myself. Hahahaha. Whoops.
Cue twilight zone music after my last sentence.
The only sorry I ever got was wrapped in a blameshift, enrobed in an insult, with gaslightling sauce on top. I laugh about it now. It wasn’t a shit sandwich. It was a Turdfucken.
I love that one. I’ll never think of a Turducken the same again. One f makes all the difference (f**ked up cheater).
To those of you who do not already know, The Cold Slab O’Meat said,
“I am sorry that I allowed your behavior to destroy my good feelings for you.”
“What behavior?”
He proceeds to list a bunch of actually good character traits. I know what my goals are. I’m self sufficient. I’m too intelligent. I know how to fix things.
“SHE makes me feel special. You don’t even text me at work.”
“How could I get a text in edgewise with the hundreds you send her a day?? Let’s see. She wiggles her thumbs over a phone. I built a damn life for you. It’s clearly no contest,”
“See you’re just so negative. SHE’S always cheerful.”
“Let’s see how cheerful she is in a few years. My husband is cheating. Yeah, I should be dancing the fucking Macarena.”
What is up with the mega texting. I would go crazy if I was dating someone and they textbombed me. All that attention at some point will feel like possessiveness. But then they cheat and want to be sure their pigs aren’t in a blanket with the next victim. No class
No shit Donna…. their “grade school” quality & quantity of texting is disturbing. When I called OWhore’s husband he told me that our assholes had sent 700 text messages to each other in 10 days. Seriously.W.T.F??
Over 5000 in a month All over Disney World with our children. Scum. Complete and utter garbage humans, these two,
Luziana, “she’s so cheerful”…. Umm yeah, after a few years of marriage with those damn emotional vampires and then the damn cheating, sure she is going to be cheerful, but only if she is completely stupid(but that may be one of the AP qualifications).
It wasn’t a shit sandwich. It was a Turdfucken.
This is priceless. Thank you for the laugh.
“Turdfucken.” Thank you. I really needed that laugh this morning.
Good one, thanks for the a.m. laugh!
LOL
Luziana – HA! Turdfucken! Love it!
I would encourage chumps to do what I did after I got out of the fog: start to frame everything as logically as possible. It brings the absurdity of the entire affair into glaring, 2am-the-bright-ugly-lights-come-on-get-out-of-the-bar-we-are-closing focus.
Some examples:
“I am not having an affair.”
But what about this evidence? Why did you lie to me?
“I shouldn’t have had the affair, but I had to lie because you’re behavior towards me was terrible!”
Try changing your behavior for a few weeks. Will they then say “OMG! I was so wrong!” No. They will move the goalposts again.
“Actually, our marriage was dead years ago because of how you acted.”
Of course, you didn’t get that memo. You can ask them why they didn’t tell you, why they didn’t request MC, why they didn’t do anything to focus on their own happiness, etc.
The goalposts will just move again. If the goalposts move ONE TIME for any reason after an affair, we have to get off of the playing field, because that game is rigged!
This.
Chump Nation is unabashedly skeptical of reconciliation because true reconciliation means that the cheater needs to own his or her shit and accept the consequences. Attempts to shift the blame mean that the cheater is not interested in accepting responsibility. If you can’t trust them to accept their own responsibility for their (multiple) deception, then you don’t have any kind of trust foundation to build a new relationship on.
Exactly, kb! He won’t own anything. It is all blame shifting and mindfuckery.
Very true, kb. Never get that from these Cheaters and on this site has been proved the AP also. Very sad beings if you ask me!
I made my mind up early, if I have to “own” her BS, I’m out. She tried. I never took it from her. I demolished her with logic, over and over again, most of the time calmly, thank God, despite my mentally screwed up state. There is zero that a betrayed spouse did to force someone to cheat. Zero. That’s all on them, their weakness, their mentality, their issues. Cheaters cheat. What’s the saying? People can change, they just seldom do…
I’ve not seen one reconciliation where I heard the words, “we’re better than ever now” and actually believed them. I have seen reconciled couples where the betrayed had a big chunk of their soul emptied. You can see it in their eyes. But better? Nope, just wistful, or wandering, or hurt. That’s all I see when I observe them and listen to the language…
Scott, I was speaking to a friend that reconciled with her husband, after she found out about the child that his AP had. Fortunately, her husband just had a one night stand and he was very drunk and the result, a child. (major sarcasm) My friend is a smart woman but damn if you get told a story over and over again and if it has a smidgen of truth, then it may all be true. I wonder how much a person can put up with and if you speak to a reconciled person, you are sure to see large amounts of shit sandwiches taken to be “truth”. She believes that her husband has never again cheated. Here is a nugget of conversation, husband says jokingly, “It’s a good thing that I’ve had a vasectomy, we wouldn’t want any more little Steve’s out there.” And I sit there and wonder how can she take that shit. He’s practically confessing to what he is doing, but she just chooses not to see that. I’ve told her about this blog but she won’t read it, I think she knows that she won’t like what she kind of feels is true. She is under tons of stress, but can’t quite put her finger on why. I want to tell her, but if you are not ready to hear anything resembling the truth, then you just don’t see it. But it sure puts into perspective about how much they truly suck.
Oh and every once in a while she will tell me that, if only your x had stuck it out for a few more years, he wouldn’t be physically able to go out and cheat. Denial anyone. I’ve read stories here about those mf*ers practically dying and then they make a damn recovery and are leaving to be with the AP. It’s craziness all around with reconciliations.
Speaking of vasectomies…. So cheater stbx recently told me “The reason HE didn’t get fixed and I got my tubes tied after we had our last (18 years ago) child was so that then HE KNEW HE COULD NEVER cheat on me. Seriously? I’m JUST finding that out now? I always thought it was because I was double health-insurance covered at the time and since I was already in the hospital – I might as well get it done. Huh – I never knew…..
(STBX was busted with a cell phone sexting other women – he doesn’t consider that cheating….. And he MUST NOT be ‘physically’ cheating because someone would have been pregnant by now…) What a fuck head.
And with a vasectomy the morons think they no longer have to use protection and expose their spouse to STD’S.
Yes, Scott I did have a big chunk of my soul emptied. It was always back to start, with the infatuation stage. Then the belittling and finally the discard. It was never better. I don’t believe in reconciliation with a cheater. Therapy helped me understand my role. Cheaters cheat! Yes!
Bingo.
A few time I’ve gotten:
1.”If I could go back in time, I would (and I wouldn’t get caught this time.)
2. “I regret what I did. You didn’t deserve it. (Because I don’t deserve to be paying you so much of my money every month.)
But never “I’m sorry for the pain and the lies.” He never speaks directly about what he did (and it was a lot). And the lies have never stopped-now he just lies about the children. He was actually cheating again the first time I hear those two lines. It seems to be all he has in his bag of faux remorse. The last time I actually got to look at him and say,”I don’t know what any of that means.” He did not elaborate, just changed the subject!
Done now – that’s what I got –
1. ” I wish I could turn the clock back”
2. “None of this was fair on you”
but again no apology or remorse – pahhhh!
It seems like the all have the same scripts to choose from…….!
There’s a profound difference between genuine remorse and “feeling bad.” He “feels bad” that he got caught. He “feels bad” that your image of him as a good spouse is ruined. He “feels bad” that people might see him as a bad guy. He “feels bad” that he is losing his cake. He “feels bad” that he might suffer financially in the divorce. He “feels bad” that he might lose you, the person who makes his life easier and more convenient.
He’s making a show of remorse because he thinks it might get him out of trouble.
Good luck with your lawyer, I hope you are out of that situation soon.
And there’s another level of the “feeling bad”: If he doesn’t “feel bad,” then some of our friends might JUDGE him (the nerve!) for abandoning a wife & marriage of 16 years for a 25 year old waitress. So by “feeling bad,” then friends will at least take pity on him and then turn that anger & judgment on the chump who — for god’s sake, chump! — can’t see past her panic attacks, weight loss, insomnia and general lunacy to not be angry with him. I mean, c’mon, he FEELS BAD!!! Isn’t that enough, you greedy bitch? How much do you want him to suffer? (Answer: Ten percent of how much I suffered would bring him to his knees, which would not be enough.)
Ten percent of how much I suffered would bring him to his knees, which would not be enough.
THIS RIGHT HERE ^^^^ AMEN to that NWB!!
Love this, pucksmuse.
Linda2, as Rhett said to Scarlett in “Gone With the Wind” when her husband (who had been her sister’s boyfriend) got killed because of something she did: “You’re like the thief who’s not the least bit sorry he stole, but who is very, VERY sorry that he got caught.”
That’s what you’re dealing with, Linda2. Hurting you? Having a “friend” call him “Sexy Beast” for 20 years? He’s not the least bit sorry. He’s just sorry he got caught.
So was mine. But he still likes playing the game. He picked up two of our three kids for an outing the other day and made his current wife park around the corner so I wouldn’t see her (they were in two cars). This is the EXACT same thing he used to have OW do when she drove him home – park around the corner so I wouldn’t see her. LOL! I wonder when wife #2 is going to figure out that she’s being treated like some dirty little secret? XH knows better than to ever try to tell me to hide.
It gets easier to see these things as time goes by. In the beginning? Not so much.
So just watch what he DOES, Linda2, not what he says. You’ll learn everything you need to know, including the true depth of his remorse – which won’t be deep at all. Good luck!
Sexy Beast?!!! I have images of Ron Jeremy( present day) in my head…. Oh god!!!! …. Now i cant get it out of my head!!! U just cant un -see that shit!
My ex tried to explain why one of his co-workers calling him “Loverboy” in an email I intercepted was “nothing,” and “just a name.” Um….riiiiiiiight……
Yes Chumps, while our ex cheaters would like us to believe the sky is green and the grass is blue, in the end we should trust ourselves because we KNOW (I mean seriously, in my case why didn’t they just e-mail me a video of them having Fifty Shades sex, they couldn’t be any more obvious could they?).
It is never just innocent and it always means exactly what we fear it means (and what we so desperately hope it does not mean).
“Sorry” is a phase of the abuse cycle. Lots of people are sorry. Few people change.
The only TRUE aspect of ‘sorry’ in this cycle of crap is they are
SORRY EXCUSES FOR MEN (0R WOMEN)
I just read the post again & realized that he never said sorry. Denial. Cheaters suck. Denial is part of the abuse cycle too. I hope they all get sick and rot.
If I ever apologized for anything, Ex wanted my humility etched in stone. In fact, I don’t ever recall being forgiven for anything. Wow. There’s a thought.
yes definitely. the next time i hear him say “I’m sorry” i am going to tell him “Yes you really are”…..i doubt he will get it
“Yes you really are”….. thank you MrsVain….. another fabulous little quip to hold on to 😀 😀 love it!! Yes they really are is right!!
One evening some time after the 1st Dday (with the ex) I asked him if he understood how upset and deeply hurt I was about what he did with the 1st OW he had and he told me “I think you are jealous.” Right at the point in time I knew he would never ever understand how much damage he caused in the marriage and in his eyes I saw at the moment in time (and many times after) that he has this entitlement and arrogance about the entire situation. When he said this I do recall he even had a smile on his face. To this day many years later I can still recall his look in his face.
Linda2, please please DO NOT waste any more of your time and your energy with this guy. Life is way to short for you to try to wrap your head around this loser. I wasted many many years after the 1st Dday with the ex. I have so many BAD memories about the ex. Don’t do this to yourself. He is not sorry and with the disorder that these individuals have it will get worse. He will never get what he did because in his disordered mind he is entitled to do what he wants and when he wants it and your marriage is not worth it in his disordered mind. Trust me in saying this. Please save yourself from more pain and more questioning his way of thinking. This person you are married to and hopefully will be your ex very soon will just cause so much more pain in your life. Get out now and start your healing process. Life DOES get better when they are out of your life!
You will be living a life on your terms and not his. The sooner you are out the sooner you can really live!!!!! Please don’t waste another day on this nasty person. Get your ducks in a row and fast. Life is so much better on this side. *hugs* and I wish you the best also!
That word “jealous” gets flung around by cheaters. Well, what emotion is appropriate when your spouse or partner is cheating? Jealousy. That’s the emotion warning you that you are being abused emotionally. We should not let that normal emotion, entirely appropriate when you have been betrayed, become a negative term.
Anyone that was labeled as ‘jealous’ and finds a spouse was having an affair, sort of validates that the jealousy was justified. In fact, it shows that the instinct was spot on. Your fears that this person had weak boundaries, was a flirt etc.. have been verified. They also backed up that they lie and can’t be trusted… so anyone who says ‘well you were jealous’, you can say ‘rightfully so.. wish I acted on those instincts sooner’… and if they say ‘you were too controlling’ you can say ‘obviously not controlling enough since I was being lied to and manipulated and my spouse was sneaking around like a 13 year old in heat…’ I wish I followed those ‘jealous’ instincts sooner instead of allowing myself to be gas lit into thinking it was all me for decades. Turns out that I wasn’t jealous or controlling after all.. It was just my instincts telling me that something wasn’t right with my wife’s treatment of me and her behavior towards other men.
i love that excuse…”you were too controlling”. how the fuck was i too controlling when i couldnt even get you to come home at night, i never knew where the fuck you were and who you were with. you apparently had enough free rein to scare up time to spend with oompa loompa as well as time, energy and excuses of why your dick just happened to fall into her craphole. believe me if i was “Too Controlling” that shit would have NEVER happened. seems to me i was “Too Trusting”, “Too Naive” and “Too Believing”. i was also “Too Loyal”, “Too Loving” and “Too Kindhearted” that you too advantage of repeatedly.
i believe what they mistake as “too controlling” is more of “you are too aware of all my fucked up mistakes and now know how screwed up i really am and you are too expecting me to have some kind of accountability and actually change my behavior,,,,but i dont want to change my behavior. i like my behavior because my behavior makes me feel good. everything was going just fine UNTIL YOU started noticing all the fucked up shit that i do. you no longer make me feel good, you want me to own up to my mistakes and act like an adult. you are no longer fun therefore you are too controlling (in trying to get me to change and be a better person)”
sorry it should say TOOK ADVANTAGE of not too
Mrs Vain: I think chumps are guilty of becoming too controlling. It’s what we become when too trusting, too naïve, too believing, too loyal, too loving and too kind hearted back fires on us. I can say that as I started to have inklings of cheater ex husband’s activities, not only did I become too controlling, but also too suspicious, too angry, too hateful, too spiteful, too foul-mouthed and too vindictive. He turned me into a replica of himself – a monster (but only to him). I never knew I had it in me. However, all those negative emotions propelled me straight out of that disastrous marriage. After being a single mom for 5 year I re-married a fellow chump. It’s a very happy union. I’m no longer a monster, but I’m not the naïve, stars- in- my- eyes woman I once was either.
I always felt jealous throughout our relationship and often thought I had a problem. I even went to counseling once when he started traveling around the country with married OW for participation in competitive shows. He never asked if this was okay with me, he just decided to pursue this goal with OW and left me to drive our kids all over the country by myself to their various activities. I did throw jealous fits off and on, but how else would a person feel with this kind of crap going on? One of the most validating things to me was finding his writing about OW and realizing I wasn’t crazy after all. My intuition was spot on!
As I get ready to move out in two days, I am replaying 30 years together. One thing that strikes me over and over is how convinced I was that I was flawed because I was so cautious about his interaction with other women. He eventually used that as his excuse to end the marriage, you know, because my insecurities made me “difficult to live with.” I am still wrapping my head around the idea that I was the more stable partner.
Good luck and strength to you!
Be prepared that you’ll second-guess your decision, but as someone said here once- if they change so drastically afterwards, you can always marry them again!
(They won’t, and you won’t want to!)
My experience was this- cheater X ENJOYED when I was feeling jealous! He did little inappropriate things to other women when I was there, to promote jealousy. Now, this is how manipulated my brain had become (boiled frog), because of so many years of this – I thought I had a jealousy problem!
Nope, I was normal. He was behaving like the Borderline that he is, actually getting off on causing his wife emotional pain. In his mind, that meant he must be such hot stuff!
Oh the jealousy!!!!!!
My XH is a massive flirt. In the beginning of our relationship when I became jealous of his behaviour with others, he would just laugh at me. ‘He was not doing anything wrong it was just how I perceived it’ what was my problem? And yes I would go to great lengths explaining to him how this behaviour was hurtful.
What a waist of time.
Because I got to the point I just accepted that I must have an issue as he was a committed Christian, and an all round good Jo, I struggled to understand what I saw between him and others more so with other men. Which is why I struggled as 2+2 was not making 4.
And my gut feeling was screaming.
His flirtation and round good guy routine has won him a new victim who is now swept up in his love bombing. It must be awesome to be her right now. But considering he has the emotional depth of a paddling pool she should enjoy it while it lasts.
I’m raising my hand on this one too. my x never went anywhere after work. We were together all the time. People still tell me “but you both looked so happy”(gag). He would cheat at work. He cheated at work, from 7 am to 5 pm and then nothing obvious. For years he kept me off balance with my “jealousy”. I would say so and so seems pretty chummy with you, his response was that I was jealous, and can’t “he have friends at work”. It sent me to counseling also. I had a shitty counselor that told me would “you rather be right or would you rather be happy”. That messed me up for years and the damn cheating, going full force. After he abandoned me, he apologized for “all the other girls”, apparently the fool thought that the schmoopie he left me for was going to be around for a long time and it was a 2 for 1 sale kinda thing. He could apologize and he could kick me in the teeth at the same time. The “confession, of sorts hurt” but damn I was right all those years and if I had only listened to my gut, I may have gotten out of that shit a lot sooner. Note to self and others out there, listen to your gut, you are not being too jealous, you are being gas lit, lied to and manipulated, get the f*ck out now not later. Nothing good comes from giving a narc any more chances or any kind of understanding, they just use it to hurt you more and they get a sick satisfaction for paying you back for “hurting them” (ie. not being a good kibble dispenser).
Same here DeeL, my X was home every night and didn’t travel for work or anything so stupid chumpy me convinced myself that there was nothing amiss. He IS self-employed and worked in plenty of homes where the women were SAHM’s or worked from home and I’m sure there were PLENTY of opportunities as well as willing players and I know (now) in my heart that he probably didn’t pass on a single one. Fucker.
Yup–me, too. 9-5 fucker (plus the occasional graduate student party). Always home for dinner, regular physical intimacy with me, attended kids’ violin concerts, etc. And yet a sexy, seductive second life launched from coffee shops around campus.
Its pretty sad, isn’t it. These idiots who pull the whole “Can’t I have friends at work?” – the response we’re thinking is “Your friends are the type to fuck you senseless when you’re MARRIED, fuckwit. So no, you can’t have friends like that”.
Raising my hand…… slowly………. yep…. me too. I agree…. he ENJOYED the few times i did show my jealousy because it made him feel wanted….. his so desperately needed “adoration”. Gag.
Lyn, One thing I have learn over many years being on this planet and being with the ex is to listen to my intuition, gut, that 6th sense, my inner voice. Whatever you want to call it LISTEN to it! It is telling you something and trying to save you for further harm.
Raging that is an wonderful way of looking at it. I never thought of it that way. Thank you for your great insight! I hope things are much better in your life?
LovedAJackass, I’m with you about what you wrote above. When he told me that he thought I was jealous and didn’t even acknowledged the pain he caused that was another big red flag to me. I think another part of me died when he said that to me. I felt so alone at the moment. He never ever said he was sorry and would get so mad at me when I would bring it up.
Who in their right mind says that to their hurting spouse? I had many other normal emotions and feelings about what he did but jealousy was NOT one of them. I knew there was something really wrong with this guy. At the time I didn’t have the knowledge what PD/NPD were at the time. I could never ever get my head wrapped around to fully understand so many red flags I had with him and that was BEFORE I knew about the cheating. Then when I found out he was cheating and even more things I found out about him I was floored. I could not believe this person I was with over 10 years was doing this to me. I would ask him why do you hate me so much. He never answered that. Sadly years later after the divorce I know he cheated during our entire relationship. I’m sure many can relate to my story and I can relate to so many people on here.
The relationship cycle that these individuals follow will never change. There is no way that these individuals will know how much pain they caused because they cannot process what they do and did because of the disorder. All we can do is walk away and rebuild OUR lives the way we see fit!
You are smart to have caught on so quickly. It took me much longer, even though my stbx also used the jealous line on me. Obviously I wasn’t there, but that look on his face sickens me.
I agree with your advice.
My MIL used the jealous line on me. ‘I know you’re jealous, Nord, but that’s not going to bring him back. You need to be kind and give him hope’ or some such shit. I nearly told her to fuck off and now, years later, I wish I had.
Very true Nord. What I should have done is drove his sorry ass to her house (with the 1st Dday) and she could deal with him because I was the evil one for keeping him from her. But now he is with the last OW (18 years younger than him) he left me for and now he married her sorry ass and now they have 2 kids. Good luck with that!!!!!! ha!
Ex is also with final OW and she keeps getting whoopsie pregnant – he always seems stunned by this but hasn’t actually married her yet, which she desperately wants. I figure it’s his way of keeping her on the pick me dance. Whatever. If he would just leave me alone I’d be a happy lady.
Geez! These disordered things (cheaters) and the AP never learn. They all play from the same rule book. Not an ounce of uniqueness in any of them. You would think that that both of them would have some common sense on how babies are made. Damn-Sorry I keep on forgetting who we are writing about. Ha! Silly stupid sad sausages.
The sad ex on my end has no contact with me but he is in contact with my family and friends and the funny thing is that he never liked any of my family and/or friends. So since he cannot get in touch with me for a slice of cake he stays in contact with them just in case I contact them. That will never happen!
So funny. My poor-snausage Crapweasel sent Christmas presents to my nieces and nephews (not a peep to me, thank God). I thought about passing the message on to him that nobody wanted his crap, but then I thought, nah, that would just be “oh poor me” kibbles to him. Idiot narcissist.
Apparently he doesn’t remember that when my sister’s Ex cheated, my daughter said, “I don’t have an Uncle D____, anymore.”
I guess he thinks people feel differently about his cheating and lying, or something….
Thank you, Buddy! When I first meet the ex I could never figure out why he behaviour to me was very odd. Well back then we didn’t have the internet and also not much education about these Personality Disorders was out there for us to read like it is today.
I have been reading some studies that have been done with people with Cluster B Personality Disorders and BPD and other Personality Disorders from what the experts can tell these people are not able to regulate their emotions. The findings of these studies with brain scans “emotionally overreactive that they suffer alternating bouts of depression, anxiety and anger, are interpersonally hypersensitive, and are impelled to self-destructive and even suicidal behaviour.” Very interesting things coming from the science part of studying these individuals. The more I read about the science part of how these Cluster B Personality Disorders and BPD, and other Personality Disorders minds work the more of my red flags of the ex get answered. Plus when I come across more people that have these disorders the better “armed” I am.
Education this the key!
As far as I can tell, in 99% of these cases, they aren’t sorry or remorseful because they feel entitled to true love. It is not their fault that true love sought them out. They lie prostrate to the powers of true love. Their sophisticated spirituality of love and intimacy is beyond what you provincial peasant providers will ever comprehend, so it must be frustrating having to “explain” their particular brand of sorrow to you. Please accept that you are not capable of understanding this otherworldly plane of sexual bliss and immersion. The Diaries of Anais Nin, the mystical connection between Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, life according to classic Woody Allen movies, and the need for unbridled underground passion in this short life allude you, and that’s OK because … your life DOES having meaning and worth: please keep paying the bills, taking care of the kids, doing the laundry, and giving me a bit of sex here or there when my true love is not available.
Buddy, I salute you.
Oh hell Buddy, you nailed that!
Buddy I found a really great radio broadcast that might be of interest for you to listen to. This helped me so much. This goes in detail of the NPD relationship cycle. Very good information. Let me give you the link:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relational-harm-reduction/2014/10/24/after-a-pathological-love-relationship-hes-moved-on-and-is-with-someone-new
Beth, That was an amazing podcast. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Beth, I’ll check it out.
You’re welcome, Buddy. I hope it helps you out as much as it helped me.
ps: I am being sarcastic in my post above. Hope readers don’t take it the wrong way 🙂
Buddy–For better or worse, I think most chumps become schooled in sarcasm and black humor within 6 months after D-day. I know I now have an f’ing Ph.D. in snark, and I doubt I’m alone.
Working on my thesis now actually.
Working tittle
‘Entitlement of the tool’
Or I am thinking I’m now thinking ‘how to roast a turducken’
Tempest, I have my cap and gown ready to get my Ph.D. in snark. Just name the place, date and time and I’m there! Ha!
LMAO, Buddy! I love sarcasm myself. It has brought me far in my life. ha!
Cheaters are all about feeling “good” and when caught they feel bad for themselves because it’s not a “good’ reflection in their narcissistic mirror.
Most cheaters justify cheating because their spouse is not “good” enough. Couple that with the Esther Perel’s, the “conscious uncoupling” of the steamed vagina Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Goddess, and the affair spinning guru’s of the Huffington Post and it’s a buffet of cheater nirvana supporter system.
In cheater world, everyone is special. Marge, who farts and gets her first Brazilian wax for Harvey Combover OM, father of three, are special and cheating is a first class ticket to being special. Cheaters are so special it upgrades their groins to be worthy of selfies. Notice the cheater selfies, most often taken in their washrooms. Cheater selfies are hilarious, the pouty mouth pose…the arm squeeze cleavage pose and the toilet on the background. How about the Harvey cheater selfie, the sucking in of his belly, the landscaped pubes and the erection close up. Come on, average chumps, these cheater folks are awesome special and their washroom selfies prove it.
Getting caught, makes cheaters feel bad. It makes their delusional brains go into cake deprived convulsions.
If only chumps were more empathic to cheaters and the hell they go through when caught. How can they survive without their right to be special and having to feel bad now.
it has ALWAYS been a personal pet peeve of mine to look at selfies (regardless of the locations, bathroom bedroom, living room kitchen) and see a messy house in the background or dirty children. i mean how shallow are these guys who can look at a picture like that and see all the dirty dishes, toothpastes spits on the mirror, trash on the coffee table and floor and everywhere, dirty socks and clothes and unmade bed in the background and actually think this girl is a winner? throw in the poor little dirty faced children while the b*tch is all done up, hair done, nice clothes and makeup while her kids are dirty, torn and dirty clothes, jacked up shoes. SERIOUSLY!!!??!!?! THAT is the kind of woman you want?
apparently that IS the kind of woman the exhole wanted.
I see this on dating websites, too — the photos are taken while standing among clutter & filth. And I’m thinking, Why would I ever date you?
I am LMAO! What is it with the bathroom selfies? My ex and his Schmoopie took every picture of themselves that they sent to each other in bathrooms! I will say though that the men’s bathroom at my ex hubs place of employment are very nice
Also, it’s simply amazing how their “Twu wuv” turns these idiots into total cartoon characters who suddenly believe that they are devastatingly handsome and beautiful! It’s hilarious actually!
Toilet selfies. OMG.
I have not seen any of my XH but it wouldn’t surprise me considering the time he spent in there and coming to know that public toilets are where he met up with others for BJ’s.
I so wish now he had been busted by the police. I would have loved to see him try and justify that in a court of law.
The gym selfie. Taken from the locker room; flexing of course. Impressing the female with his primeval mating ritual display of feathers, um I mean muscles. How could she ever resist?
PF,
ROTFLMRO!!!
THANKS for that!
You nailed it with that satire!
Those sick sick sick washroom selfies—–Perhaps it is an unconscious nod to the fact that their whole lives are in the toilet!
(Maybe CL will let you be a ‘guest poster’ next time she’s away!)
ForgeOn, you sassy ones!
My cheater loved the selfie. I found one of him taken on my birthday. He sent it to the other woman and he looks like an absolute tool in it. Another happened in my photo account by accident (thanks iCloud) taken after Dday that apparently went to the new girlfriend. Again, he looks so full of “TRY!” it’s ridiculous. It’s a grown ass man trying to be 30 years old. It’s actually kind of funny now.
As for the “sorry, not sorry” my cheater said that “I would do things differently.” That’s not a sorry and I never fell for it. He was a coward then and still is. He was sorry he got caught and had to pay me a big settlement. He’s probably sorry people now see him for the loser that he is. But sorry for hurting me and ending our marriage. No way.
CL said it best, “Sorry is as sorry does.” He continues to be an insufferable asshole.
My cheater said, “I am sorry that I have done this to you in this way.”
Ha-I was just noticing some of the selfies yesterday. There’s a red flag for you. I have been able to spot a few unsavory people post D-Day by seeing the number and types of selfies they post. My ex posted the most ridiculous pictures thinking he look brooding and sexy.
Me too! An attractive friend of a friend sent me a friend request on Facebook. I checked out his timeline, nothing but selfies! He had absolutely no photos that didn’t feature his pretty face. No thank you
Ever checked out dating websites? SO many guys over 50 in shirt-less poses. Really? Really? Might as well put up a sign saying ‘narc!’
KarenE and Hesatthecurb, OMG thank you so much for that! Oh dear I’m laughing so hard I might pee on myself. But really YUCK! lmao! I love this site so much! I might have nightmares tonight but it’s worth it. Man boobs now in my head! Yuck. lol!
I have seen some really unfortunate selfies on dating sites…..Nothing like a package of toilet paper in the background…. or the toilet showing with the seat up…..a very soiled cheap white towel on the rack….the super sexy close up of nose hair as the camera shoots directly up their nose…I really want to date a guy who has a toilet plunger at the ready, don’t you?
Sucked in bellies with tale tail ‘dewlap’ at waist; arms folded across chest with hands positioned under their flabby biceps in an attempt to make them appear that they bulge….
‘Farmer’s tans’ with glowing white chest and red arms and neck —tank top imprint.
Hairy MOOBS. Gorilla shoulders….
SEXY BEASTS INDEED!!!
Hesatthecurb, so fucking funny!
******tell tale**** dewlap
DoneNow: my STBX…if I had a dime for every selfie taken by him, he would get support from me. WTH is that?! Why must EVERYTHING be documented? “Please, please look at me. Like my stuff!” Personal gratification from FaceBook…gross.
Yours sounds like my XH.
Selfies, selfies and more selfies. And now the selfies including the new love of his life. Which are used as promo shots on Fakebook to support his current narrative.
It did make me laugh when I recently saw a selfie of XH and the new victim (NV) sprouting he was about to raise money by shaving his head. For a cancer charity (It’s not pretty and our youngest cringes when he does it) out of his hundreds of FB friends only 16 liked his post and there were only 4 comments, 2 from the NV stating she will still love him even though she will miss his curls.
Selfies, Fakebook, narc paradise really.
PF, I laughed out loud at this ^^^^!!!!
Nicely done PF
(for some reason this lack of sorrow leads to entitlement which leads to humor amid the devastation. as a side note, I recently read an article on Humor being an important ingredient in courage and overcoming fear)
The fastback to meh, is seeing how pathetic and dumb cheaters are. Their washroom selfies are testament to how ridiculous they are. most cheater prefer you cry for them, take their in met groin needs seriously. What really disturbs a cheater is being mocked and laughed at.
As for cheater washroom selfies, it’s a smorgasbord of laughable faux erotica with stained sinks, pubic hair clogged toilets and hemorrhoid cream were part and parcel of the cheater washroom selfie.
My husband and his MOW were big fans of the toilet selfies. He would go into the bathroom at work and take pictures of his junk (at her request). All I could think was, eeeewww, public bathroom stall, not ooooooh, sexy beast! But hey, I am not a narcissist in love, so I just don’t get it.
I believe the decline of western civilization will begun (or has begun) with the toilet selfies. As well as the decline of human dignity. The great men and women of the past who struggled to advance the human condition must be spinning in their graves…
I must be seriously behind the times – I have never heard of toilet selfies. My mind tries to conjure the images, but at the same time they are so repellent that I can’t be bothered to waste brain space with the effort. My grown children have never mentioned that this practise exists and I’m thinking they would be in the demographic that would be aware of it. OMG, the lowest of the low. What has humanity come to?
Linda2, I’m totally with CL on this. It’s less about what he feels and more about what he does. That’s where your focus needs to be moving forward. Yes, I do sympathize with your interest in understanding it all. It’s maddening.
In my opinion, this quote that haunts you is nothing more than the many quotes my STBX gave me and the quotes we’ve all gotten towards the end of our relationships….they’re said to continue the confusion and keep you hanging on to something, even if it’s just bewilderment.
Here are some of mine:
“You deserve to be loved the way that you love”
^oh, you mean completely & purely?
“You need to accept responsibility for the part you played in this”
^you mean the part where I felt alone during my pregnancy, single handedly raised our daughter, cried myself to sleep many nights because you wouldn’t get near me in bed?
I’m sure everyone here has a mind boggling quote they could pull out that we could all dissect. But why waste our time? In the end all it boils down to is he is right, you are wrong, he has no conscience and feels no guilt and is incapable of accenting full responsibility for his actions.
That’s really all it is. It’s not just that they suck, it’s that they’re also NOT that deep.
One of my head-scratching favorites was:
“This could have been handled differently”
Said after I suceeded in divorcing him, in spite of him putting up huge resistance (he wanted more Cake!). I actually gave him THREE YEARS to stop hanging with/getting blow jobs from the insane neighbor! He can never say I didn’t give him a chance to mend his ways! But somehow, it could have been handled better, according to a Kook.
Oh yes, I got “I should have handled it differently” too! So there is a different, better way to cheat on your pregnant wife?
Hopeful Cynic gets a point over FreeWoman, because her husband at least phrased it in the active tense: ” *I* should have handled it differently.” — Like FreeWoman, my XH was a natural with the passive tense, “It could have BEEN HANDLED…” By whom? Well, that’s just nit-picking. YOU know what I mean. My XH’s final emails were chock full of passive-tense sentences. Things “just happened.” And “nothing to be done about” x, y or z…. Never an “I should have” or “I did”….
Oh, I didn’t notice the passive tense, I just knew it felt stupid, like he believed in magic! Is that what cake-eating is to them? LOL
There’s a magical place, where she loves me just as much as before I fucked the neighbor (and lots of other women, too), and she doesn’t care, so she keeps paying our bills, and cooking me yummy dinners
The most unbelievable and insulting thing he said to me was that the whore that he fucked in a hotel two weeks earlier told him he couldn’t talk to me any more. Sorry.
huh? well he wasnt talking to the whore when he was fucking her either. so that kind of blows the whole “i didnt have anyone to talk to ” excuse
what a dumbass
I think my “favorite” of the X’s was, “Are you sure this (the divorce) is what you want?” He and AP were living together at the time too!
Mine was more of me asking him “Are you sure this divorce is what you want?” and he answered “i guess”……14 years together, stood by your side repeatedly thru your many fuck up, 2 beautiful, wonderful and marvelous boys later and you fucking GUESS!?!?!?!
God forbid you actually MAKE A FUCKING DECISION on your own. this way he is still not accountability, you see it is NOT HIS FAULT that we got divorced. i was the one who did it.
Ayup. Mine, too. I asked, “Do you want a separation?” Him:”No.” — “Do you want to work on us?” “No.” — Me: “So then it’s divorce.” Him:”Whoa! Wait a minute! I’m not ready to go there yet!” — W.T.F???? Those are the only options on the menu, buddy. He got very wishy-washy with me at the end, which really made me hate him. How dare he. How DARE he try to make me feel SORRY for him as he was throwing me aside like an old shoe??? Even thinking of it now makes me just fucking furious.
What is with the whole they cheat and do as that please but the minute the faithful spouse chooses to say enough and enforces it with divorce the cheater is all ‘what are you doing that for?????’
My cheater was very good at minimising what he had done and then would round of his narrative with ‘I hope that we can restore our marriage but it doesn’t seem possible as she would need to X,Y and Z. So when I filed for divorce and before it was final he had announced his new relationship people just assume that, well I ended it so he is entitled to move on.
Still make me angry that he could cheat but in many peoples minds the ending of our marriage is on me.
Freeing him from any responsibility.
Got one of these gems from the X over the weekend, I asked him to find the title to MY car, unfortunately it is in his name and I want it NOT in his name. His response “why?”.
It is amazing to start to really see their manipulation & control for what it is. We have a son that will keep me tied to his disordered ass for the next 10 years…. it should be enough… but he will grasp at ANYTHING he can hold onto. Fucktard.
Thankful:
I totally get you on that. I hate that, because I’m the one who filed because he walked out on us, people look at me as the one who “quit.” But, the people who know me know the truth. Their opinions are the only ones that matter to me anyway. Still burns though. 🙁
“He says he doesn’t feel sorry for any of it. He just feels bad. ”
In other words, he’s bad at feeling sorry.
No remorse. Nothing to work with. Ring the lawyer.
Exactly, Nomar. Zero remorse. A secret relationship for 20 YEARS!!! You keep something secret because you probably know it is wrong or would be unacceptable to your spouse. The cheater knows better. He feels bad it isn’t a secret anymore. Nothing to work with there.
In the cheaters mind, expressing regrets is only for something that was not good for him(/her) to experience. Cheating was fun, we are still here, so of course, no regrets.
Tempest nails it.
My own thoughts, when I read the headline of this day’s blog was to put it through the UBT (Universal Bullshit Translator): I don’t feel sorry; I just feel bad translates to I had a good thing going; too bad I got caught!
My STBX hasn’t really admitted to himself that he’s cheating. He finally told his brother that he’s getting a divorce (6 months after I filed), and that he’s “found” someone else. I will tell his brother the truth. Of course, his brother is a cheater, too.
For what it’s worth, I’m trying hard to remember when STBX actually apologized for anything. I realize that my retrospective is likely to overlook the handful of times over 17 years of marriage where he ever apologized for anything, but the fact is that he just didn’t say “I’m sorry.”
In retrospect, that reluctance to apologize is a clear sign that he never really wanted to admit that he’d behaved badly.
yes, that is the story exhole is telling everyone too. we got divorced and he “found” someone new. everyone seems to really like the oompa loompa hootrat, i just dont understand how. she is so fake her ass squeeks like plastic when she walks. it used to drive me nuts that his people were so happy that he found someone who loves him, who respects him and takes care of him…..WTF was i people? but HEY she is fun!! she likes to drink, it doesnt bother her to sleep on the living room in whoevers house they ended up at, partying till all hours of the night, SHE doesnt have to worry about getting kids to school or paying bills or feeding anyone or making sure homework is done or the clothes are clean. she is so much more fun then his hateful exwife (me)
but now i really dont care. i had to remind myself that i really did not LIKE his people anyhow.
Wow, MrsVain, how have we not crossed paths before? “I had to remind myself that I really did not like his people anyhow” is SO TRUE!! When I think of “what I lost,” I never liked those people. They were all like him. Fun at a party, yes. But I’m a bit long in the tooth to be dancing around a bonfire at 4:30 in the morning, kids or no kids!
“I know this is difficult and that it hurts, and I’m sorry about that. It was not meant to hurt you.”
“I’m sorry you have been hurt, but there are reasons this happened. This did not just happen in a vacuum.”
And to our son, “So I guess I’m the one who gets all the blame here?”
All I have ever gotten is a couple of half hearted ‘Sorry, but…” apologies which relieve them of responsibility and blameshift; and apologies “as if” meant to mouth the right words so they can control the narrative (“Well, I’ve apologized and accepted the blame for my part in this, but he/she is just completely unreasonable and accepts absolutely no part of the responsibility for what happened to our marriage”).
They all seem to work from the same bizarre playbook.
“I’m sorry I was having so much fun shooting the gun in the house and you got hit by a bullet. My gun-shooting in the house was not meant to hurt you. DON’T BLAME ME!!! I’M GOOD!!!”
“ACCEPT SOME RESPONSBILITY!!!” says the man who hasn’t filed taxes in umpteen years…. NEVER pays child support on time or in full AND spends money on workout “programs”, competitions & supplements before paying bills and rent…….. yeah….. that means a WHOLE lot coming out of HIS mouth directed at me….. just WOW!!
Oompa loompa is (or should i say was because i really dont know anymore) telling everyone who would listen how God puts people in your life when you need them. and how they “were meant to be” so i posted on her fb “God wouldnt never send you someone elses husband”. do you think she got it? nope, she just lol’ed and reshared it out. zero conscious.
Chumpguy–“This didn’t happen in a vaccum.” My cheater wants his script back from your cheater.
Wish I’d replied, “No, it happened in her vajayjay, on the single bed in her grotty grad student apartment.”
My X also tried a version of that line on my daughter, and even at age 13, she saw through it. “This wasn’t entirely my fault!” Daughter, “Yes it was.” Last words she uttered to him, 4 months ago.
Now, that’s funny! The lines I wish I had at the time I needed them.
My son’s response to the “I guess I get all the blame here?” was “Well, yes.” She has very little clue as to what’s happening in her son’s life and seemingly, could really care less.
Chumpguy, when I broke the news to my family that STBX was having an affair, my sister’s daughter was in the same room. She passed along a note to my sister, asking “what the bleep [sic] is Uncle “Dick” doing to Aunt kb?” My sister tried to do the age-appropriate, “well, Uncle Dick is not quite in his right mind and has a girlfriend…” but my niece was having none of it. She very angrily told my sister that I needed to get a divorce. That niece was 10 at the time.
Kids can get it just fine. Tempest’s daughter does, and your son certainly does. It doesn’t mean he won’t forge his own relationship with his mother, but at least he knows why there’s a divorce.
It is interesting how much they lie and blame shift.
Mine wasn’t a Liar. Lol, he told “white lies” because he wasn’t really doing anything Wrong, so it was OK to tell White Lies about it. Like in the same category when your coworker asks if you like her new hairstyle. You know, social niceness.
not Juliet, mine would try to avoid lying by not admitting things nor denying them, by avoiding answering questions and by changing the subject. It wasn’t a problem for me, as I knew what I knew (and guessed a whole lot more) and just acted like it was a given. But even my then pre-teens recognized what he was doing!
So it’s OK to cheat and deceive and betray and hide stuff, but he didn’t want to feel bad about actually telling a straight-out LIE, I guess …… Pathetic.
Apparently, lying and cheating should never be actually called those things. x told our daughter that he had not cheated with schmoopie, they were only friends. Whew what a relief. He “only started seeing” schmoopie after I moved out of our house, he had already left, poof in a matter of 1 hour, packed his shit and he was gone. I was supposed to stay at our old house, you know just in case x wanted to return if things didn’t work out. Yay me relegated to the back-up plan!! My daughter tells him, you were cheating dad, he just “couldn’t” wrap his head around the word “cheating”.
Linda.. it really sucks.. the mindfuckery. I am in the throws of it too.
Look, you can’t figure these people out.. it comes down to that they are raging narcissists and all they care about is themselves.. everyone else is secondary to their desires. They want what they want and they can’t be sorry, because then it means they have done wrong.. and they have done NO WRONG.