Dear Chump Lady,
Is it OK for me to fuck with his head? I really want to scare him and the OW over the holiday season for my amusement. I probably would not follow through (but I may). I know stuff that will freak them out, not to mention his other family members, if I disclose the info (think porn addiction).
He has no clue as to whom I have disclosed this info. I know where they live (five hours away). I just want to say to them that I will drop in to wish them a happy holiday, and then share with them. In the past, I have stated that I may drop by and he has freaked out. That gives me a good feeling. There is so much more that I am pissed about. This would give me some holiday pleasure.
So, is it OK to fuck with his head?
Yeah, so how’s that going to go? You drop by elderly Aunt Mildred’s house and over gingerbread cookies you say, “By the way, Bob likes anal sex. Really likes it. Honestly, it’s a fetish when you consider how many porn videos he’s downloaded in the last month. Me? I never cared for it. But apparently, OW really digs it if his Instagram account is anything to go by.”
No Catlady. You don’t do that. It’s not okay to triangulate. Because you’re not just fucking with your cheater’s head, your fucking with Aunt Mildred’s head. You’re involving innocent people who don’t need your drama or the details of his sex life. (Imagined or real.)
You’re not going to get the reaction you crave. “Tell me more! Were any goats harmed in the making of those videos?” or “Bob is a TERRIBLE person! I will never share a Christmas pudding with him again! He is DEAD to me!”
No. They’re going to think you are a despicable person for sharing such intimate details of his sex life with them. They’re going to feel mortified. Intruded upon. And sorry for your cheater. “Who is this horrible woman saying such terrible things?” You will not be an object of sympathy. You will be resented. TMI! There is NO artful way to discuss his porn addiction. NONE. To do so would be seen as spiteful, because it is spiteful. You said yourself — you want to fuck with his head.
Fuck with your own head. Ask yourself why you’re giving this douchebag, the OW, and his family so much mental real estate. Don’t you have Christmas shopping to do and 15,000 holidays details to attend to like the rest of us?
I understand the impulse for revenge, I really do. As I’ve written publicly, I had the most violent fantasies of gutting my cheater with a fish knife. Didn’t do it, of course. But I thought about it. Infidelity is an injustice and it can bring out the vigilante in a chump. HE MUST PAY! He must be humiliated the way I have been humiliated! He must suffer!
Look, being the shithead he is is punishment enough. Oh, I know it doesn’t feel that way, but get some years out from this crap. You’ll see how pathetic these people are. How undeserving they are of our thoughts. It’s embarrassing that we were ever associated with them. The best thing you can do for yourself is just get the hell away from this person, the OW, and his family. Go no contact and wrestle your revenge fantasies down to the ground.
Please don’t confuse my advice to not keep a cheater’s secrets (“Oh, we grew apart”) with permission to share every mortifying detail with everyone. Especially for spite. If people ask you why you broke up, absolutely tell the truth. “I couldn’t live with his girlfriend.” or “He was a serial cheater/sex addict.” That’s very different than Facebook blasting his friends’ list with the minutia of his illicit activities.
Be a class act. Be meh. Tell the people closest to you what happened, and be graphic with them if you must. Word will spread, I promise you. Meanwhile, get on with your life. Enjoy that you don’t share space — physically or mentally — with a cheater. Let the OW have his porn addiction. Keep your sanity, Catlady. And your dignity.