Don’t Date This Person
Don’t you wish cheaters came with forehead stamps? Abandon Hope All Ye Who Date Me! Kibble Whore. Flaming Freak.
But no. We’re left to our own faulty powers of discernment.
After reading my umpteenth letter of Relationship Recitation with Waving Red Flags, I thought I should compile a list of People You Should Not Date. Feel free to add to the list. Maybe we can save the next generation of chumps.
Drama Doris. Life has been very unfair to Drama Doris, but you there (what’s your name?) You Understand. Could you bring her a cold compress for her forehead while she collapses on this fainting sofa? And maybe some snack crackers? You’re so sexy when you’re useful. All these other losers tried to bring her snack crackers and understand her pain, and failed! But you… you truly understand that she hates caraway seeds.
Sparkles Mc Gee. Incandescent in the 100-watt glow of his flaming ego, tap dancing his way into your affections, flattering the socks off you is Sparkles McGee. Yes YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE. Aren’t you lucky to win one so fabulous? Sparkles drops love bombs on you like you were Dresden. He thinks you should move into together! He’s picked out names for your future miniature schnauzers! It’s only been three weeks, but hey, you’re the one. (The one who will regret ever meeting him.)
You-Don’t-Mind Martha. Martha is still friends with all her ex-boyfriends. You don’t mind, do you? Tuesday – Saturday is Girl’s Night Out. Ronny is just a guy she works out with at the gym. A friend. No, you’re not invited to her Pilates class. You don’t mind, right?
Ambivalent Andrew. He could love you… if ONLY. If only his girlfriend wasn’t overseas right now. (He needs closure.) If only he wasn’t so tormented by his devotion to voting rights in Namibia. If only you tried a wee bit harder to win him. Ooh! So close! He feels something for you! But nope… it passed. Oh hang on! There it is again! Did anyone ever tell you what nice tits you have? You do. And so does that Sarah chick on Facebook. No, of course she doesn’t mean anything to him. He likes your tits better. He could even love you if ONLY…
Mourning Mona. No one can ever replace Ralph. Just don’t even try. He was the love of her life, but cruelly went to college on the other side of the state. Wouldn’t you like to know all about their break up? Or the funny hijinks they got up to on high school year book staff? You should’ve been there! But of course, you weren’t. It’s 15 years later, and thanks to Facebook she can see he’s married someone undeserving who really doesn’t get him the way she got him. They’ve reconnected! No, no. It’s just friends. She’s just getting some closure, so she can move on and focus on your relationship. And your inadequacies. Your not-Ralph inadequacies.
Two-Buck Chuck. Due to an Unfortunate Circumstance Utterly Beyond His Control, Two-Buck Chuck needs a loan. I mean, he wouldn’t ask, it’s just that he’s short because he’s spent all his money on something special for you. He can’t say, it’s a surprise. He’s also helping his widowed mother learn Esperanza. And he sponsored a couple orphans. He wouldn’t mention it but… Thanks. The orphans will really appreciate it.
This column ran previously. On the road tomorrow, so I’m rerunning one early. Feel free to comment!
The cartoon…..I’m afraid to admit looks just like my Stbx!!! This one and the guy riding the tractor pulling an engagement ring….Priceless
We owned a cattle farm….sold our grass fed, healthy omega 3, low marbled beef to area restaurants….Burger Meister Meister Burger gave her the engagement ring after knowing her 8 weeks..we were still married. He used college tuition money for it…. So you met your soul mate in a bar in Chicago while you are from Pittsburgh….those out of town business trips spawn so much true love. Moved her here and into the wifes house while still married to the wife… so they’ve been engaged living in my house…..I’d say he is undatable.
I can’t abide the term “soul mate”. That idea has destroyed many relationships and is taking its toll on mine presently.
One of my online dates admitted to having had a 6 year long affair on his wife! Oh and he got fired from his job from watching internet porn. At least he came clean on the first date! hahaha.
What’s scary is that those are the things he’s confessing lol. What’s he holding out on??!! ICK. But yay, you know. I do wish they all came with signs.
Just catching up. Now I understand why his heifer text you. This barfly is bored out her mind. City girl moves to the country to watch cable tv and grass grow with old farted out dung heap cow boy. The boonies sounded nice at first but can’t compare to the excitement of being hit on each night by drunk patrons. He is a dumb ass indeed! Get some popcorn and watch that shit blow up.
That’s so funny and true! Get popcorn and enjoy the show. Funny!
As a resident of the greater Chicago area, I’d like to apologize for having inadvertently sent one of our skanks your way. We seem to have a surplus!
Rarity….I accept your apology. I personally think there were more local skanks….but the 7 hour drive proved how much they loved each other…..cough cough….or she loved my 70 acre farm with newly built farm house and Better Homes and Garden Flower Gardens…… she turned it into Hood Rat Ghetto and Curb real fast. At least my flowers died on her….waiting on the hubby. …you didn’t hear me say that….
OMG, LMAO!!!!! Hood Rat Ghetto, fan-fucking-tastic!!!!!
I think it’s a spreading epidemic across the country due to lack of morals, value, integrity and perhaps some vitamin E. I know we have a few here in Seattle.
Lonely Lori.
She just cannot be alone. Are you free now? It is just too hard to be alone. Oh, John. Well, he is just a platonic “friend.” I like having someone to talk with while you are away.
Oh, yes, so many “just friends”… My ex certainly would have stepped up to keep her mind off of her loneliness. He couldn’t go with me on trips to visit my family because he was “too busy at work.” It’s a good thing his evenings were free to keep Lonely Lori company.
Sparkles is his name. He should come with a head tatoo. Life has been SO unfair to him. You’ll recognize him. He’s the one with a pump in his right testicle that pumps up his small croocked two inch penis(2 1/2 inches inflated). Beware! He has unprotected sex, as condoms don’t come in XXX small. He’s the GOOD GUY they wrote a song about, Goodby Earl.
I know that Sparkles! Now featuring new and improved with steroids. He could light Paris with that flaming ego. Have you seen him? He says everyone’s checkin’ him out.
OMG, LOL, I fell off the chair. . .
Then there is Mark the Narc, Sad Sausage in Your Buns.
He’s had a hard knock life. No one has ever appreciated him before you. It’s why he has no money, no friends, and no hobbies aside from stabbing his pudgy thumbs at assorted buttons attached to screens of various sizes. Poke poke, kibble, Kibble. Please be his slot machine of redemption.
He’s new in town, as of ten years ago. He doesn’t know how to get around without Google Maps, but if you help him get a phone he’ll be so much better. He can’t talk on the phone to the phone people about a new phone, they don’t understand his charming accent. Be a dear and order him one on your account, won’t you?
He’s been the Fight Bait in a long line of Mene Wadies. At 46, he’s very responsible with money, but has been ruined by lazy spendthrifts. Without regular cash infusions from his elderly father, and now Wonderful YOU, he’d be ruined,
His relationships tend to overlap. He can’t help it that women everywhere find him irresistible, and want to save him from the last Mene Wady before promptly becoming the next Mene Wady.
Wadies are never not Mene. Except you. No one ever:
Ate sushi with him
Liked 80’s music with him
Cuddled on the couch
Took on the entire duties of minding his Adultery Baby so beatifically
Allowed him to live in her house rent free for two years
Helped him to buy a car
Sent his Bruv Batman Stamps
Endured his gut concealed turtle penis
Looked at boils on his back
Like Unforgettable, Irreplaceable you! You can do NO WRONG. Until of course the day you can do no right. What’ll be the rub? Will you be really good at your job just to spite him and make him feel small? Fix a thing he was too lazy to get to just to make him feel dumb? Will you dance for attention peanuts like a baby wire monkey, and forget your chest isn’t supposed to be tight 24/7 until you contract a pnuemonia with a 50% mortality rate? If you do, you are the weakest link. Plan to cough up blood and cry yourself to sleep at the ICU alone. He can’t take off work. That’s where he’s met your replacement!
Congratulations,Cariad am byth, you have now become a Mene Wady!
Luziana, this is undoubtedly the most amazing comment I’ve ever read in the history of reading this blog. And if you spend any time here, you know that tears-streaming-from-your-eyes-hilarity is provided daily by the endlessly mighty commenting crew. I bow to thee.
Your blend of hilarity situated right up against gut-wrenchingly painful truths reminds me a lot of how I’ve dealt with my family-abandoning ex and his new twu wuv (a stripper in West Virginia). I call it funny-not funny. It’s kind of like sorry-not sorry, but with snark and humor juxtaposed (inappropriately, of course) against vile injustices. Your ‘dance for attention peanuts like a baby wire monkey’, juxtaposed against ‘Plan to cough up blood and cry yourself to sleep at the ICU alone.’ GENIUS. Funny-not funny.
And ‘gut concealed turtle penis’…that’s the name of my new band. Again, I bow to you!!! 🙂
“He’s new in town, as of ten years ago.” Love that. X’s AFF profile was titled New in Town. It should have said ‘New in Town – 2,610 miles to Reconcile with Wife.’ AFF asks for penis size, pity there’s no box for small.
Luziana……you had me at “slot machine of redemption.” Then you killed me at gut concealed turtle penis”. Boils on his back……
My stbx used to make fun of a tiny….as in tiny gap between my front teeth. He uses to say I had bucky front teeth. I dont. BUT he….his teeth look like someone stuck chicklet gum pieces in a Jack o lantern. Huge G A P Ssssss….like multiple. His teeth don’t touch. It’s weird. Oh….and his teeth are 50 Shades of Gray. They are dull…..
I have had the dentist tell me my teeth are the whitest she has seen that have never been whitened professionally.
Why I let him criticize me while he was nothing to brag about……I’m working on understanding that.
You are cute as a button Luziana!!!
Thank you, Tracy!! My ex is not typically British in that he does not drink Hot Tea or any hot beverage. He was typically British in that he had a mouth full of neglected teeth individually fighting to lead him in 26 different directions. He did not see a dentist the entire time I knew him.
Once he called me a scally chav, which is British for White Trash. I laughed and laughed Stupid Taffy. I’m laughing again. He’s the one with a highschool education working an entry level collections job at a bank, At 49. And impregnating ghetto dwelling coworkers who look like Bruce Springsteen with tits.
Now your ex. Many years ago a dear friend coped with a corrupt and gossipy coworker by diagnosing her dental situation, you’ll recognize, as Candy Corn Teeth. Those little baby teeth
all spaced apart and pointy at the end in an adult face. So Unsettling. I’m going to always imagine your ex this way now.
I know some really object to chumps describing cheaters appearance as unfortunate. I am sorry. It’s just that sometimes ugly goggles help to see an ugly soul clearly.
Luziana……..you are hilarious. I’m assuming you are across the pond….. I may have to.come.over there and buy you a drink….we would laugh all night…. you have a way with words!!!
Tracy, nope. Ohio. But I would love to round up Tempest and anyone else and all of us go visit Jayne!
Did someone say “trip”? and “drinks”? Sign me up!! I am especially fond of transAtlantic trips, including a stop in the British Isles (my cheater was English, too, Luz, but we don’t hold that against the whole nation, do we?).
Jayne–prepare yourself for an American onslaught!
Right! Imagine the cheaters’ chagrin when we slide booties across every park bench and pub stool in THEIR hometowns!
Bad dental hygiene seems to be a theme among cheaters. My stbx rarely went to the dentist, and never flossed. He also never kissed me in 25 years (except for a peck). I am fastidious about dental hygiene, so although I thought it was bizarre, I think I would have enjoyed it about as much as dumpster diving. Dating is just around the corner for me, so I have to ask: Is bad dental hygiene a red flag, or is it my own wacky bias? Could it be a reflection of their conscientiousness?
I don’t know. I mean my grandma got dentures when I was a little kid, my grandpa is missing most of his teeth, my uncle also had to get dentures before he got real old. I don’t think any of them cheated.
Because there ARE NO CONSEQUENCES, right? Even for not looking after your teeth ….
My personal opinion is, I don’t think I could ever kiss a guy with bad teeth. Like you, I am also fastidious about mine. This is a simple, daily (or 3 x/day) activity, yanno, like eating? You brush after. I don’t think I’ve ever gone to bed, no matter how zonked I was, without flossing. It’s personal CARE and necessary if you don’t want to die from bad teeth (yes, it happens) Today, there is NO excuse for bad teeth. Dentistry has gotten so technical and affordable over the years. (I’m not sure what’s with the Brits – sorry guys)
X never flossed and towards the end quit brushing – I was horrified but his entire hygiene was going down the cliff. However, MrFarmBoy grew up with fluoride in his water or something like gold nuggets, and he’s never had a cavity…perfectly straight teeth (never braces) and white as a porcelein sink. So, go figure. I’m sure his mouth was swimming in germs from the all sorts of bad activities that he didn’t brush afterwards.
Unkempt teeth would be a Red Flag for me.
OK Luz – you’ve completely foxed me … what the devil is a Mene Wady?!?
Cariad am bryth, indeed! – How about cariad am bryth ydych yn arsehole!
Happy 2016 to you Luz! 🙂 xx
Mean Lady spoken in a whiny way.
Yep, not a Welsh speaker either but I find it hilarious to this day he had My Love Forever in Welsh engraved on his wedding ring and was fucking someone else within 8 months! Jake From State Farm goes by many names, incluidng Schmoopie Forever or Three Months…
I hope 2016 is a healing, fun year for us all. Cwtches!
Haha.
I had a wrong number text me “I need you to relieve me.”
I texted back. Who is this? Jake from State Farm?
It turns out the guy was trying to text a male coworker who was on break. It took me awhile to get the guy to believe that he texted the wrong number and that I wasn’t his coworker joking around. I finally said, no really this is the number you texted. My name is Janna. He then texted back to apologize and ask me if I was single. He quickly sent another text that said “can I see a pic?” I had half a mind to send him a picture of a monkey. Unfortunately, he was already using too many text minutes, so I blocked him instead.
Ewww. Random dialing looking for a date?
A Mean Lady, but in a Schmoopie Voice: “Booo hoo hoo, Mene Wadies are so Meeeeene to me!”
Ffyc ef ac Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!
ROFL – I was definitely over-thinking it … thought it was a welsh name for their equivalent of a Bothy – lol!
I’m not a welsh speaker, so had to look up ffyc ef ac Blwyddyn newydd dda – thank you very much 😀
Luz I’m still laughing about the salsa isle in Walmart.
Oh hell, they could be on the Rivera for all I know. I am committed to never finding out. She does have a 15K debtor judgment, so ya probably not. I detach with love.
The riviera is overrated. I live there.
Good. If I didn’t like you, we’d ship the whole lot there.
There’s no other way
Righteous Ralph/Rachel. He is such a good person. She is so nice. He’s always at the mosque/synagogue/church/temple. She fills her facebook page with requests to donate to animal shelters. They’re not great people, no, just humbly working toward a better world. And you’ll hear all about what they are doing to make the world better and how much they struggle. No time to help you of course. You need to support him while he helps everyone else. Don’t you understand how good you have it? She’ll tell her friends how hard it is helping Syrian refugees when at home she just doesn’t get the support she needs. Mind you while you’re filling up boxes of goods for the 5 charities he signed you up for he’ll need to relax after the hard week, but you can bet he’ll be there when it’s time to deliver the boxes and get the praise. She’s far to busy to help you, aren’t you being selfish by demanding she do more after her hard week helping people. Of course leaving them will be a tragedy. Such a good person, how could you? I guess you just didn’t have a big enough heart.
Note: If you and your spouse are missionaries or otherwise have jobs where you both decided to give to everyone else, then God bless you. Righteous Ralphs and Rachels are more interested in talking the talk and hearing the praise than walking the walk. A good test, they are very nice to people, but rarely kind to a person.
Similar to this is Good Guy Greg. He teaches Sunday school! He leads the local Boy Scout troop! He volunteers for Election Officer duty! He is the first to offer help when the moving van needs loaded! Lots of ego kibble payoff in those very public acts.
But Good Guy Greg has a secret second life, involving unprotected anonymous hookups in parked cars, kinky sex with married sluts, and secret bank accounts funded with money he has siphoned off from you. When you finally figure it all out and call him on it, it will be all your fault for not having appreciated him enough. You’ve been warned…
Oh Gosh my Ex is totally a Righteous Ralph. I got the line of “I didn’t get it and I didn’t support him enough”…. Oh well, he can go save the world with his HoWorker, she has already shown a willingness to help him with projects and let him take all the glory. Sometimes, I feel a bit bad for her, since he will get in the way of her professional development and then dump her, but then again that’s karma for fucking married men.
Spiritual Sal, he has read all the self-help books, he understands the inner working of the female psyche and only wants to satisfy your inner tantric self. At least until he meets Namaste Nancy over wheatgrass smoothies. When you find out about their “coupling” and get upset, your the uptight one.
Barf.
Shit Hating Nancy nothing fancy just can’t help breaking and entering if your dog shits on her lawn. She’ll barge in your home knock you down any throw doggie baggies at you. If your an ex boyfriend she’ll climb through a screen punch you in the neck, throw hit coffee in your face, take your painkillers and run. Some say she’s updatable but likes the inflatable and is willing to pay for pub fries at dive bars for blind good guys.
Mourning Mona is the OW. I got Ralph. Don’t pick Ralph.
Disordered Dale. He keeps all the disorders under wraps. But as time has worn on, it is increasingly difficult to conceal. Due to the many distorted disorders he definitely is dialed into the “pity channel”.
Pity Party Paul and Disordered Dale rolled in to one. So happy to be out of that dysfunctional world.
It stung a little, just now, when I snorted through my nose too hard. My ex’s name is actually Paul, he’s got 40+ years of pity partying under his belt. My favorite nickname for him was always PoorPaul. ?
Fabulous Freddy. His exotic good looks, and the fact he is a respected professional man, mean that all the little naive nursing students just glom onto him, and what’s a guy to do?
Fab Freddy didn’t choose the pimpin’ life; the pimpin’ life chose Fabulous Freddy.
Hey, I picked this model too!
me too!
+3
I started out with Sparkles McGee, and boy was I glad when he left the scene. I was also a lot poorer and had plenty of physical and verbal abuse to remember him by.
Later on, by way of compensation, I had Ambivalent Andrew and his Endless Emotional Affairs (all via text, of course, apart from the ones he actually dated).
Spiritual Sal had a crack at me once, and even told me how much he liked threesomes and how he’d fathered a child for a lesbian couple he knew (apparently these two events were not connected). But would I mind terribly being his weekday girlfriend, as his weekends were busy with the woman who he was living with (and living off)?
I’ve never had a Sparkles McGee or a Spiritual Sal since, and I saw another Ambivalent Andrew coming recently, and was able to run like hell.
See? People can learn. Even me.
Reeling from your Spiritual Sal story. Ugh! Glad you dodged that bullet.
Anybody who sends an unsolicited dick pic. I used to save them all because I joked that one day one of these guys would run for office and I could have it to sell to the Inquirer. But then I dating a state representative and…he sent me a dick pic. Will these men ever learn?
Dick pix always remind of Sylvia Plath’s reaction upon first seeing men’s privates (“turkey neck and turkey gizzards”).
Omgosh…..Eewww. that is exactly it.
I tried explaining to someone how there is nothing attractive about a penis….in any stage…. it has its purpose…but to look at it…Ewww…. Turkey neck wins for visual aid!!!
I don’t get why they think women want to see their junk. I mean, seriously, we don’t care.
I always thought it was because guys are visual and love it if we show them our boobs. That would totally turn them on, so they think sending us pics of their junk will turn us on. Sadly, they are usually mistaken about that.
I think it might be a variation on the time honored gambit of I’ve shown you mine, now will you show me yours? Also, it tests your boundaries. And, don’t you know, it’s just a joke . . . whatever is the matter, don’t you have a sense of humor? I don’t believe they stop to think how ridiculous those things are when shown out of context. When I was accused of having no sense of humor, I replied, “It would be very funny to take something like that seriously.” Evidently, my commentary was even less appreciated than my lack of humor.
This brings back a very old memory for me. I was still a teen, running into a convenience store, maybe 9 or 10 o’clock at night. When I came out to go to my car, there was another car backed in next to mine. With an older man in the driver seat, right opposite my driver door. Window down, naked, and going to town with his Special Purpose. I unlocked my door, then turned to the freak and said “No big deal.” Got in and drove away. Laughing all the way.
Someone I know keeps a photo of a hot dog slicer on her phone for just these situations. It’s totally not me. 🙂
This one! This one!
http://www.aliexpress.com/item-img/Banana-Cutter-Slicer-Knife-Hot-Dog-Cutter-Fruit-Vegetable-Tools-Kitchen-Tools-Novelty-Household/2028257566.html#
What a hoot!
That’s me! I do that! I also have a variety: sharp knife slicing a zucchini, banana, sausage, etc.
Seriously, I do not know of ONE woman who would appreciate seeing junk come over her computer. UGH. Reminds me of a flasher. IT DOES NOT TURN WOMEN ON! Red Flag for me, definitely. Where’s you honor, Mister?
Teenie Beanie Weinies? Bite size portions perfect for serving to you pet piranhas? Talk about cutting someone down to size!!!!! Quick, someone stop me!!!!
I’m going to recommend that to my daughter! Teenage boys are the worst.
Hahahaha. This is a terrific thread! Chumps are the funniest, cleverest people I’ve ever run into.
Ambivalent Andrew. I wish I’d listened to my brain. Older, wiser, SMH
2Good2BTrue Drew – he’s the wealthy (ish) half-first cousin (once removed) of Sparkles McGee.
This guy has it all –
-He’s from a wealthy family. Your family? Well, your origins are more humble, working class, so aren’t you lucky that you have been shagged by the Duke of Jersey (New, that is)!
-He’s also an action man. He’s fought valiantly in Afghanistan while he was an officer in the Reserves. (No knock against our awesome service people – including our jerk for his service, but this guy actually uses this as bait. He had a person take his picture in Afghanistan holding a city magazine up and then sent it to the magazine for their most eligible bachelor contest. He’ll have you know HE was a finalist!)
-He’s got a wall devoted to himself! Yes, an entire wall of photos of him! Not special photos, with the exception of the above framed magazine article, or many with family, but selfie type pics.
-He’ll wine and dine you – because, hell, he’s a “real man” with a $2k monthly budget for having fun.
-He’s an executive. The only one, according to him, at executive meetings with a full head of hair.
-He’s got a town-home overlooking the city – and no, we’re not talking NY – he’s since left NJ.
-Drew has $10,000 worth of alcohol in his house AND a wine wall (with a $5,000 ladder, imported from Germany). He’s also got two bars! Speaking of two…
-He’s been engaged twice, but never married. He would have, you understand, but the women “didn’t add enough value.” Plus, he can “punch out fuck trophies” while in his 60s, so there’s no rush for him, but he realizes that the day may come for him to marry a “young trophy wife” because one “can’t always be happy!”
-As for you, well, you’re lucky to be in the presence of such greatness. He’ll tell you that too, while letting you know that he doesn’t like it when woman expect exclusivity – after he shags you, without reciprocity of course! He’ll then tell you that you don’t know how to walk in heels and a bunch of other shit on how you dress like “June Cleaver”. Also, if you’re verrrrrryyyy luccckkky, Drew will regale you with his trip to Iceland, where the women have less than 9% body fat.
-Then he’ll ghost on you after you challenge him on his bullshit behavior.
Now, don’t you feel special? I did. Dated him pre and post marriage. Yep, I had the encore shit sandwich platter served cold with a side dish of mindfuckery… Funny thing, after dating Drew the second time, I finally figured out how I ended up with the Passive Aggressive Conflict Avoidant Cheater Ex. Picker is now fixed!
Omg Cindy *all around applause for you* Very well said!
Thanks Syringa. 🙂
I had Sparkles McGee who turned into Drama Doris if I challenged him. He had a dark side of Two Buck Chuck because he could never quite follow through on a promise. His speciality was to get me to the venue and turn it into his event. He was an actor who played me but his repertoire grew thin – eventually I recognised his brilliant smile and excitement that precluded major disappointment to me. The reddest of red flags, apparently his wife had left him by having an affair, and they were still friends! Eight years later, I found out what really happened – he sucked the life out of her, she left him, and then found someone else. The only reason there was any civility was for the sake of the child. In my eyes, she actually gave him good guy cred by socialising with him. I married him and when I left, even I had the “want to be friends” feeling even though he’d been horrible because he was so successful at playing sad sausage and he didn’t mean to do that and I was being a Mene Wady for calling him out. Got over that fast once I got out of his orbit.
preceded, not precluded.
I was married to Sparkles McGee the Minister. ‘Nough said !
Recently dated ( and had fixed my picker enough to realize fairly soon )
Love Bombing Larry!!!!
You are perfect! I have been wanting you since the day I first met you! There is something about you – I think we must be soul mates from a past life ( ick ).
You are amazing and I adore you!!!!!
I am going to text you 24 hours a day.
Are you ok? You didn’t respond immediately and I worried about you!!!
Oh, and you will understand but I just moved back under the same roof as my X because she is sick. The kids needed me there – but I sleep in the basement so that I can text you at 2 am!!!! Because I adore you so much snd did I mention you are perfect?!?!
Two weeks of adoration and worship. I was enjoying it but not really getting sucked into it either. I had just broke up with somebody – so a distraction at best.
After two weeks he tells me that his wife ( aren’t you in process of divorce Larry ?) KNOWS!!! She is going to kick him out unless he stops this. The drama and the kibbles and the triangulation will be over!!!! But he assures me that I am the perfect one, the soul mate of the hour and that our love is the love of ages !
Thank God I got no dick pictures ( I think it might be small and somewhat inflatable too ) and that it was nothing more than texting and some quickly eaten fries at a pub once.
I think Love Bombing Larry is now living in the dog house where he belongs.
I think I need to send his wife a letter and the info for chump lady. She needs to know that her unicorn is broken!!!
Yep. He’s a Ho and has to go.
That’s what I did with some idiot and his wife was stupid enough to believe his lies. A year later I am still dealing with her and her drama llama friends. What sad sad lives they lead
Without a doubt you should. She deserves to know.
This list is great!
Since I’ve been out there socializing more, I can’t believe how many men are cheaters! Is the majority of the population cheating now? I don’t get it and I don’t remember it ever being like this. Married or men with girlfriends hitting on me. I met one, didn’t know! He never mentioned a girlfriend. Friended on Facebook and he is ENGAGED! I asked him what the h*** was up?! Said he was unhappy (rolls eyes). Yet he posts all their vacation photos of them having a lovely time. It’s so bizarre! Before I unfriended him, I should’ve told his fiancé.
I think you are right Fleur, and it certainly seems as there is a looooooot of cheating going around. And I am sure there are plenty of aiding factors: social media and internet, and constant access to instant communication, and shitty celebrities who make it sound normal and fun to the disordered. But in the end I would have to agree with CL that it comes down to one thing and one thing only: lousy character. Because cheating is about lying and emotional immaturity and lack of boundaries. It is about instant gratification. And saddest part of all, it isn’t even the worst thing some people are capable of doing to those they claimed they loved 10 minutes ago.
Social media has definitely been a big enabler but the foundation of character disorder definitely stands though. They are children who have been let loose in a candy store with no supervision.
Guess the main principle is not to get in a relationship with disordered children dressed up as adults.
LOL this is awesome. Thanks Tracy.
Mr. Don’t Worry About It Babe
I cheated on my first wife, but I feel really bad about it and learned my lesson. Don’t worry about it babe. I don’t understand all this stupid immigration paperwork, I’ll just come to the US first and let you worry about my green card. If it prevents me getting a job for 6 years, I’ll get you pregnant and be a stay at home dad – don’t worry about it babe. Yes, I’m playing World of Warcraft and porn surfing 14 hours a day but I swear I’m taking good care of our toddler, don’t worry about it babe. I didn’t have time to do any housework, but your job is really easy so you can do it all, don’t worry about it babe. The fingerprint lock on my phone is just easier for me to use, don’t worry about it babe. I’ll never leave you- all other women are crazy, DWAIB. I want a divorce and we have to tell our daughter on a school night, she’ll be fine at school the next day, DWAIB. I’ll just go ahead and take all the new stuff and you keep the garbage, DWAIB. I’m leaving after you lost your job and your unemployment ran out, but I promise I’ll pay your bills until you get a job, DONT WORRY ABOUT IT BABE.
Monster. That isn’t a persona that’s a monster.
Yes, a monster. I am so ashamed that I stayed with him so long. How could I ever think my marriage was anything but a parasitic sham?
FBO, you should report that bastard to ICE.
Revenge Bob
You do pretty much everything around the house, in and out. He admires you. He compliments you. It doesn’t cost much, and it feels so good. You continue doing, until you can’t, the old overworked body refuses to move, the exhausted mind is blocked. You rest, get better, but Revenge Bob has seen your weakness. He hates weak people, people who are hurt; they are such an inconvenience. You start to realize that he could be doing a bit more, instead of saying nicey things. You even give him a verbal hint, that he has some responsibility, since this is his house too. Revenge Bob resents it. He will remain silent, and have shaky, weird movements, or will scratch his head until the hair falls off. Eventually, he will one-up on you. By cheating. By inviting a single female. See, he was stronger than you all along.There you go, in your face.
… and then he tells you he never asked you to do everything, that you never had time for him, that he couldn’t put his stamp on the house because you were a control freak. Then when he leaves for good to live with The Town Bike, he cries and tells you how loving you were, and that he’s sooo sorry he couldn’t be there for you, that you didn’t deserve this.
He’s a close cousin of Twist-Around-Tom …they both leave you dizzy.
… and you did everything because you “always had to be the martyr.” Not because, I don’t know… the kids needed to be fed, bathed, and parented.
What??? You fed the kids before you tended to his every need? The horror!!!
And The Town Bike’s house is already for him to move in to because a few months before she lay down and opened wide for your husband, she had invited you over for drinks because you were all just friends, and got your advice on decorating … so now you can picture him on her couch, at her table, in her bed, telling her he likes to be helpful around the house … while all his crap is still in your house, and he’s pushing to sell your place so he can recoup his half.
One of his complaints about me? “I wish you were half as smart as you are.” He has no idea just how smart I am!!!!
Me.
Sparkles McGee all the way, along with the entire family. It was like being in a cult.
“Technically” Widow Wanda
I briefly dated a woman who was widowed and then had a 10 year common law relationship that ended.
Turned out that “Widow Wanda” had cheated on her husband and the common law guy was her OM.
Details Details. LOL!
Small world. We were out having dinner and a woman came to our table and introduced herself as her ex sister in law and said I ought to know “Widow Wanda” had been cheating on her brother while he was going through chemo and that barely months later after his passing away “Steve” had moved in with her.
“Widow Wanda” tried to explain it me as “complicated” and that her ex in laws were bitter people.
We had only been dating for a couple of months, I had opened up about my ex-cheater wife. I was completely disgusted. She knew how I felt about cheaters, and she was passing herself off as the mourning widow and the victim of a 10 year common law relationship to a jerk, who’s name happened to be Steve.
// , What that ex SIL did took a lot of courage and anger.
PF, I would SERIOUSLY get the ex-SIL’s address and write her a thank-you note and send her a small gift, candy or flowers. She helped you dodge a bullet and saved you a lot of dating expense and future grief!!! Whew!
whoa, PF, that is some story! The ex SIL of Wanda just saved you months (possibly years) of your life.
Bob or Barbie The Blamer:
All of their exes were CRAZY. Seriously, every single one! Bob/Barbie has just had such bad luck… Every single person they dated was a liar, cheater, abuser, and totally NUTS.
Except you. You’re SPECIAL.
Now wait a second.. Are you seriously asking Bob why it took 8 hours to buy a carton of milk? Are you questioning why Barbie is texting her friend Ray non-stop through dinner?
You’re just like all the others! You’re CRAZY!
I married that one! “I am not having this conversation with you. If you are that insecure, then thats your problem. “”Sharing a trifle with her is not a crime. Taking her to her obgyn is not a crime. You are so insecure. You need to see a shrink.” “Are you still dwelling on the past? Get over it.” “If you insist on questioni g me then we shouldnt be together.” ?
Lulu an yo…..ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!
All his ex’s (3 he married) were biplar etc etc.
And yep, I’m just jealous because he ogled at any woman or youth or man who passed his way.
He most definitely has issues….most of them concealed and hidden. FREAK!!!!
Rolling on the floor laughing can’t get up. Brilliant post
Sparkles mc gee definitely tossed with dark side David and raging Ralph plus show off big daddy bart. Whore juice, nasty Nancy, put on Patricia with teeny bopper Tina thrown in for laughs and conniving connie and look at all my money Mary. We cant forget im the best!, Bertha. Quite the pair. I’m far from perfect but at least I’m real.
On a more serious note, a lot of people have red flags that if they were followed without thought would eliminate me. I found Coquette’s explanation of red flags pretty good: http://dearcoquette.com/on-red-flags/
I think a good idea about red flags, now that we know what they are, and that everyone has at least one, is not that the prospective partner has a red flag, but rather how he/she responds when you point it out. So yeah, if you have few friends (as do I) and the prospective partner says, “Hey, why’s that?” and your answer is logical and truthful (I love my dog more than people) and he/she accepts that and chooses to stay with you, it is no longer a red flag. Likewise, if he cuts his toenails with the kitchen scissors and you call him out on that, and he answers “I’LL DO WHAT THE %^&^ I WANT!!!!”, then you have the option of walking away.
My ex called me a victim for finally, at my advanced age, recognizing that a bad habit of mine came from my parents. I recognized it, I dealt with it, I stopped doing it, and I shared my findings with him, and he called me a victim. Uh, no … No I’m not a victim. I’m not blaming anyone here, I’m working on my issue. So which one of us has the red flag?
The one red flag that I think is universal is the person who constantly talks about himself – his important job, his marvelous adventures, his incredible achievements/ cars / vacations /physique / opinions. No matter how the conversation begins, it will always be turned around to a discussion of Mr. Wonderful. Isn’t everyone fascinated? Doesn’t everyone want to hear the story about the time that…? Isn’t he the most amazing person that ever walked the face of the earth? Whenever I encounter a person like this, I run for the hills!
Thank you! I always feel horrible after reading lists of red flags. Like the one about not having a wide range of friends. I’m an introvert! I have one really good friend and then a bunch of coworkers and other acquaintances I enjoy being around. Based on some of the red flag lists I’m a sociopath. Throw in FOO issues and chronic depression and a person would be stupid to have an interest in me, or so these lists say.
I feel ya. I tend to be on the quiet side, so I cringe when some nut job who has gone on a killing spree is described as being quiet, or a loner. Hey I’m not the life of the party but I’m loyal to those in my life, unlike my cheating ex who is so popular. Come to find out TOO popular.
There are times I feel like I own whole damn bullfight.
FOO? When asked in casual conversation how many siblings I have, I usually end up stammering something about how it’s complicated, both of my parents having been married multiple times.
Considerable social anxiety and insecurities about my attractiveness. Add the baggage from the snake, and I almost need a second plane…
But there’s still a decent person underneath it all who wants ONE understanding loving partner.
Yes Dat – thanks for raising this. I am aware that I tend to over-think and when I read this post, I immediately thought of how I come across. I would love to have a loving partner in my life. But I am definitely not putting myself out there. I think I have more or less given up.
At 58 a and having moved to a new city 5 years ago, I have found that the number of single women in this city far outweighs the number of single men. So do I have many friends in this city ( a huge red flag)? No. I have very few. Most of the women I have had contact with through Meetup events seem to be in competition for the few men who attend the events. I was talking to one of the men at an event a couple of years ago – he recognized my accent and was asking me about safe travel in South Africa. We were chatting for quite a while and were interrupted by a very attractive women who introduced herself to him, then said to me “Mover Honey, you don’t stand a chance”. To say I was shocked is an understatement. The guy of course was lapping it up.
I have a small social circle, but they’re not friends in the true sense.
I was definitely a Moaning Minnie for quite a few years – I moaned about how my marriage blew up and I didn’t see it coming.
I still have to work on that – PTSD is a bitch. I have reached the state of meh for the greater part, and know deep down that I need to work on not talking about it quite so openly.
I did date a few guys over the last few years and thank my lucky stars that I dodged a few bullets. Twist-the-truth Tom, Manipulative Mike, Mr Sparkles/Ambivalent Andrew rolled into one and then there was Poor-me Paul.
Now I myself may be seen as Wary Wendy (could also be Weary Wendy depending on my work week) if I am going to be very serious. I realize this has a lighthearted theme, and though I don’t think I come across as a Bitter Barbara, I do have some work to do to get to Lighthearted, Laughing Lynne.
Just, lovely, Lighthearted and Laughing, Lynne.
I figure, after reading your experiences, and knowing I might run into your ex’s one day, I am far far better off alone. I’m quite happy without sticking my toe in the water after reading all this.
NO THANKS! So, take me outta that ‘pool’.
Pedophile Pappy…..he’s a short, 61 yr old grandfather with a Homer Simpson physique but is constantly searching for that perfect body 20 yr old who will worship his wittle pee pee. He’ll gladly send you dick pics but most of the population has already seen it. Can’t you see how awesome it is? It can do magic tricks and shoot fireworks and his idea of foreplay is waving it around like a lightsaber. The Force be with you as you swoon in his presence.
You guys are killing me! “waving it around like a light saber,” “spin-wank”–comic gold.
Ohhh…and once, His light saber was a glow in the dark condom. Pitch black room, I’m almost asleep when what looks to me as this glowing green pickle comes bobbing towards the bed. Yes …yes he did. No wonder I’m in therapy.
Hahahahahaha, i’m sorry, I can’t stop laughing Helovesnmeloveme not!!!
LOL!! there are things you can not unsee
OMG – busting a gut over here! ‘Glowing Green Pickle’ ! rofl
OhmygoD, Hahahahahaaaaa. Glad I couldn’t sleep and decided to read here a bit Lolololll…
Me too – I am going to be laughing about the glowing green pickle bobbing about all day. This is why I read this blog every day, it’s the best therapy out there! Was the condom ribbed? That would be a really life-like pickle effect. I wonder if they make courgette ones as well, with a little yellow flower on the end. Now that WOULD be pretty!
There is actually a vid on YouTube shot in the dark with a woman cheating on hubby with a guy wearing a glow in the dark condom…then hubby walks in wearing a different color glow in the dark condom. All you see are the two condoms bouncing around on the screen with accompanying sound effects. It’s hilarious.
“His idea of foreplay is waving it around like a lightsaber”
Yes – 20 years of this!!!! When, for some reason, I didn’t react to the frantic spinning of his limp member two inches from my face by whipping all my clothes off and saying “Ooh, give it to me big boy!”, I was obviously frigid and not interested in him anymore and so he was driven to have four long-term affairs and multiple one-night stands while I brought up our three children virtually alone. Gosh, what a terrible wife I was. The Force is with me now…
Pineconeelf—-‘frantic spinning of his limp member two inches from my face’–hahahaha.
I am loath to admit it but that visual is very familiar to me. I, too, was a bad wife and later a bad girlfriend because I didn’t find it appealing to be awakened that way. 😉
After several years of trying toooooo hard to please mister pee pee, truth be told his tiny penis and “I’m all it” got to me…..his lying, cheating, dysfunctional crap, finally made me toss his tiney, weenie ass out! Peace out!
Another, truth, during sex wasn’t even sure hes was “In.” Had to so some serious Kegels to make sure I was having sex!
Ha ha! You know what they say about small willies… you can’t make butter with a toothpick
Okay. How many of your wankers got out the ruler or tape measure and did the “Looky Here”?
“Had to”.
I hate auto correct!
Oh I am laughing out loud, FreeFromSB…. And I can relate, never knew when my ex was ahem,,,done with sex, but it was awfully quick and he was awfully small….
Oh, shame on you hesatthecurb! I used to get the spin-wank when I was watching television! He woke me up by prodding me in the back with it at stupid o’clock in the morning. I love waking up now to my lovely kids putting their favourite cuddly toys next to me on the pillow and kissing me on the cheek. That is real love 🙂
Self-Discovery Steven:
He’s been through the inner circle of relationship hell. All of his exes — all of ’em!!! — were crazy. Just listen to the piles of stories of how nasty and evil all his exes have been towards him. They’re all crazy!!! And when you’ve heard all those stories about crazy exes you won’t be surprised to hear his favourite story which invariably follows — the story which is the whole point of why he’s trying to date you: know what? Because of all those crazy exes he has suffered, and the terrible mistreatment he’s received in previous relationships, he hasn’t had the opportunity to get to know himself, to let himself grow as a person, to nurture his inner being, to give himself the opportunity — just this once — to make it All About Him.
If you date him and voluntarily become part of his ethereal self-discovery, oh yes, believe me, it WILL be All About Him.
Yep, I married self-discovery Steven!
POUTY PETE. You won’t come to all my softball games? Pout. We can’t afford the car I want so I can look cool and like I’m making lots more of a salary than I do? Pout. We can’t have sex every single time I’m in the mood? Pout. Cheat. Pout.
Finger-pointing Frank – All his problems in life are because of his horrible ex-wife (and foo), otherwise he would have been a rich football star. Or something.
Or someting .. LOL
Oh dang. Totally fell for Sparkles McGee last July. Met the loser at church no less. Love bombed the hell out of me. Talked marriage, merging our lives and kids within the first month. He insisted on meeting m entire family, and I his. Then, 3 days after a weekend trip to the mountains and “I love you’s” in front of family and friends, BOOM! The bomb exploded. I was no longer so special. And neither was my son. Yeah, sorry, we can’t really have a “healthy relationship”. Hurt like hell. Really messed with my head. And right before the holidays. He broke up with me, a week before Thanksgiving and I haven’t heard a peep from him. It’s like I am dead. Insignificant. Not worthy. Less than. Now I have been inoculated against this sort of man.
On a lighter note, this is the nickname for my sweet border collie mix. Sparkles McGee. I named him Sparky for Clark Griswald in “Christmas Vacation”. The wife always called him Sparky.
Sorry that happened Conniered, these life lessons are a bitch. We are (chumps), good, caring, honest, loving, and we expect the same. I married believing that the vows we said meant what we said. Only to me.
lol, this.
Provider Paul
His Dad may have cheated on his Mom…but, hey, he was a good provider. Mom got over it because she realized the incredibly impossible burden that men are under to provide for their families. Stress relief in the form of affairs with younger women is a fair trade.
Now Paul is a good provider too. Not just good-great. Better than anyone else he knows because they aren’t willing to make the sacrifices he makes by being away from you. His income is priority number one. Sure, he has to travel the globe to pull down that kind of money, but what choice does he have? And he has to be on the computer all the time-HE’S WORKING. He’s not superficial or power hungry, he’s a PROVIDER. Why don’t you understand? He needs those new clothes, expensive cars, and Asian hookers so he can continue to generate income and PROVIDE. What? You might prefer he make less but be home more? You can contribute to the family finances too? Are you trying to undermine him and turn him into a loser? Is that what you want for your future children? A loser? Paul will continue to pursue his career at all cost (please ignore that he pisses people off and frequently loses his job) even if he has to sleep with every coworker and international prostitute to do it. Because it benefits you. He loves you. You’re welcome.
DoneNow, that’s hilarious and so similar to my ex! At least the “constantly having to work to provide and travel the globe with female coworkers part.” He was actually good at his job, at least he told me he was. Always winning accolades. Always on the computer, never unavailable for coworkers, but often unavailable to us — his family, and me, his wife.
Oh, and when at the end of our marriage I said, “your traveling all the time made it hard to stay connected,” he said “No it didn’t.” End of discussion. There was only one side to a story, and it was his side.
And for the last few years work to my ex only meant stuff you do that includes staying in luxurious hotels, eating at the best restaurants, and partying your ass off every night. Do some work around the house or yard or take care or the kids? Not so much. I was told those things were “beneath him” and his time was worth more than that. Not beneath me, apparently, just him. There were a host of other, more serious problems, but this was one of them. I think work travel is rarely good, even for emotionally healthy couples. They have to at least acknowledge it’s a strain for the one staying home. “No it didn’t”!!! ?You deserved a better response than that.
DownNow – I had an interesting marriage the past 21 yrs (married 35) but that’s when we moved into a big place and he had his office from home. I worked for him for 10 yrs and knew his business well. However, he was one of these guys that was living and working here but, well, once he met the HO, he became extremely distant. He would get off work right away and do nothing but read business shit on the internet. Quit communicating. Said, hey – I’m working. What are YOU doing not he computer? I said, I’m reading a book and occasionally I email my family.
He was so close to me and yet…so absent.
And, the straw for me was when I asked him if family or business was more important. He took a while to answer, took a deep breath and said, Business.
See ya, asshole.
My submission is Random Whore Ron/Rhonda. Don’t want to be sexist. This is the person whose life is littered with Random Whores. For our purposes, the definition of Random Whores is someone who 1) is not a blood relative and 2) with whom you have a secret relationship. Of any kind. If you can’t do it when I am around, it is a deal breaker.
From now on, any boyfriend/spouse/significant other who has an unrelated, secret relationship behind my back is gone. If SOME RANDOM WHORE can text anytime/call all hours/have lunch dates/apartment visits with you, you are not the person for me. I will communicate my expectations up front. There won’t be any discussion of whether the relationship is “inappropriate”. The fact that it exists makes it inappropriate. This may seem harsh but I’m not going through this shit again, ever. So hit the road, Ron.
Amen.
is there a reason that I can’t comment on this post using my other device? Are you blocking IP addresses now? I wonder why, I’ve been a commentator since 2013…
// , It is unlikely that this problem has anything to do with a block list.
If it did, your other device would work if you brought it on to a different network.
Devices display web pages and their “active” content, like comment fields, differently in ways that depend on the device itself, and on the browser used. Internet Explorer is especially tricky, as most versions of it do not comply with internet standards as well as open source web browsers do.
Blameshifting Blaine — Everything is your fault, or someone else’s fault, but certainly not Blaine’s fault. Nothing could possibly be Blaine’s fault because Blaine is too awesome to ever do anything wrong. Oh sure—Blaine will make vague acknowledgments about how he’s “not perfect”–but try to point out specific things that you have concerns about and Blaine will mansplain for you how you are the cause of your issues with him. Blaine will not answer hard questions about himself because you didn’t exactly phrase them in the form of a question, or because your questions (like “why should we keep seeing each other?”) are “impossible.” See how the problem is you and not him? Blaine spent an entire month not having $8 to spare for a matinee, but was unable to discuss this with you because “you don’t like poor people.” It’s not that a grown-ass man who wants to date a single mom should probably be able to cover an $8 matinee; no, it’s that you’re a terrible person who doesn’t like poor people, you poor-person-hater, you.
What’s that? You’re breaking up with Blaine? Clearly you must be cheating on Blaine because no one would ever choose not to date Blaine on his own merits.
I was married to that guy too!
mine is an equal -opportunity shape shifter. blame-shifter blaine was one of his favourites though. bless…ahhh memories!
love it! Mine was a Blameshifting Blaine too.
The Co-Worker Casanova because where else are you going to meet people, when you work all the time?
Any suspicions you have about inappropriate relationships with co-workers are met with “Geez, I have to work, you know, you can’t worry about every woman I work with, you’re irrational, get over it”
Never mind the fact that all his relationships with the opposite sex were spawned in the office pool, Two ex-wives, obligatory ONS with office whore, the OW he left his second wife for…. And then you.
But he’s changed. His days of fishing off the company pier are over….[insert snort of sarcasm]
Man-Child Chad
Man-Child Chad is mourning his “lost” youth, even though he wasn’t doing anything worthwhile then anyway. He’s a father, divorced, and living in a studio or with family/a friend in similar straits. He says not to feel badly for him being so poor… he was a schmuck to his wife and she deserved everything she got in the divorce. He didn’t even fight it. He just left when she told him to. He says he wishes he could go back. He wishes he had a bigger place – one of his own – so the kids could spend the night. He misses putting his children to bed and reading them stories and he messed it up. He love bombs you humbly… in little ways like making declarations of love because he doesn’t have any money. He wants you to know that you just might be the one… but he’s so distracted about his kids not having a stable home. He misses making big family dinners and he messed it all up and those magical moments are a thing of the past.
Oh hey – you have a home, don’t you? No- now is NOT too soon to moving in with you. You’re an ANGEL for asking him. He feels the same way – you really are on the same page. You would be a WONDERFUL step-mother.
And chump wife. You’re his savior… the amazing woman (the latest one, anyway) who feels so badly about his sadness that you’ll do HIS work and then insist he takes the credit himself. Yanno, just to build up his confidence. THEN he’ll be an entirely new man for YOU.
Ok, that is my ex to a T. Not when I met him, but now. Ugh
The man I met was a much less self-pitying sort… just pitiable but still proud and still over-confident to hide his PAST mistakes. Poor guy, right? Many people fuck up in their 20s, right? Deserve a second chance?
Until they start the cycle all over again, years later. All they had to do was go to work and live (which they’d have done SINGLE) and not.fucking.cheat. Except this time, they know how to work a woman better. Our chumpiness taught them what buttons to push and when.
That’s the “Don’t Date This Person”… Man-Child Chad. He’ll cheat on you too, eventually… he’s already been in this rodeo and he knows more about deceiving people who care about him than you ever will or could. His faux-vulnerability will make you play your hand entirely, well before you should, giving him the time to work his advantage against you for the Long Con.
A word of warning to my fellow chumps: be on the lookout for platonic versions of Don’t Date This Person, such as the Shiny New Friend.
Something about you draws her in–maybe she also has a troubled marriage, a rebellious teen, or a job she hates. Why don’t you meet for coffee or drinks one day, or go for a walk together? Soon you know her life story and, gradually, her sympathetic ear and openness about her life elicit secret confidences from you and she eventually learns all about lying, cheating STBX. She feels your pain.
Sure, sometimes she seems a little needy with her daily string of texts checking in with you and the 1:00 am calls about the latest crisis in her life, but of course she can sleep in your guest room tonight after another fight with her husband. She would do the same for you. Heck, she’s been so understanding and supportive of you that with a little spackle, she just might start looking like your new BFF. She even brought you a meal after your cat died!
Months, maybe even a couple of years, go by and one day you notice she hasn’t been returning any of your calls or texts. No worries, she left her phone in the car or maybe had the ringer turned off. You sense something amiss and, chump that you are, wonder what you might have done to offend. Did you forget to bring her a meal after her cat died? You ask her, “Have I done anything to offend?” Oh no, not at all! She’s just been very, very busy!
Then one day it arrives: the devalue and discard. A long email about how you were never really there for her. You brought guacamole and chips to her Italian-themed dinner party and, to be honest, you didn’t fit in with her other, much shinier, friends. She didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you but she thought you should know. Oh, and her therapist told her it was time for her to start putting herself first, so for her own mental health she can no longer afford to have needy friends like you in her life.
As a woman, I’ve only (hopefully just once) experienced the female version of the disordered friend in sheep’s clothing, though I’m sure there are male versions of it out there. It blindsided me to realize that I needed to adjust my picker when it came to new friends as well as potential new partners, but at least this experience should be good practice for when (if) I’m ready to start dating!
I went through a similar experience with a friend many years back. She was my best friend for a long time, and even though I did see that she was unusually needy and prickly and neurotic, we had lots of good times together. But the day I felt she had gone too far, and tried to tell her she had hurt me feelings, she brutally discarded me, sent a long email saying I was a horrible person and that was the end of the friendship. Never saw or heard from her again. It hurt for a long, long time, and actually still hurts writing about it now. This was long before my marriage ended, before I understood about disordered people.
This unfortunately already has happened to me. I was so there for her, she had a bad marriage I was her staunch friend. I was there for her over the years. She was so needy but we had good times (sounds familiar right)! Always some drama though. My husband texted me (yes texted) that our marriage was over. I texted her that my husband left me. Didn’t even hear from her for a few days. Then she said we can’t be friends anymore. Discarded me the same day my husband did. Jeez man. We used to talk all the time. Talk about a double death blow. But boy did it open my eyes. I went nc with her immediately. No pursuing or anything. Who has time for that? (which I think she’s angry with me about but she’ll live). I did realize then that my picker was quite broken. I needed to fix it ASAP. Talk about pain.
Good grief, Kay! She sounds like the bff I had who was fucking my X. She also dropped me immediately. I was hurt for months, until I figured it out.
I don’t think they were having an affair, but I DID jokingly consider it. Who does this??!!
There is a pattern there. Some “friends” are only too happy to lean on you and take advantage of your kind and generous nature. Until You need Them. Then, poof! Reciprocity isn’t their strong suit.
It helps to hear I’m not the only one, but man, it was so hard at first to wrap my brain around the idea that I also needed to be on the lookout for PDs among friends. And yes, this friend was a whole lot of fun–way more than STBX–so I do still sometimes mourn that. But once I had it figured out I went NC and haven’t looked back, thanks in no small part to everything I’ve learned here.
Bang on.
You’re the host and she blames you for being all used up [by her] and exhausted. Your confusion with the situation is a reflection on you, not her. She hopes you get help for that. She’s “in a new season of life” and you’re not part of it… but she really appreciated your friendship in the OLD season.
More like… her worlds were colliding and keeping you out was the only way to keep her manipulations in each world separate. She didn’t think of that, before, but she has now.
So true, insistonhonesty. Before I figured out that I was dealing with a narcissist and thought I could reason with her I said, “But my door was always open to you, all of those times you showed up crying after you’d had another fight with your husband.” Her response? “I could tell you didn’t really want to and that hurt my feelings.”
I think you are right about her worlds colliding–she actually ended up suddenly moving out of town not long after everything blew up. Thanks to all I’ve learned here, at least I picked up on the narcissism much faster than I ever would have before and instantly went NC when I realized what I was dealing with.
How about Charlie/Charlene Con — A Changed Man/Woman?
Even though C.ChangedCon has had an average of 5 “hook-ups or relationships” a year for every year of his life since he reached puberty, after each and every one he has “learned his lesson” and is now “changed”. Just give him another chance to show you just how special you are and how appreciative he can be. How can he ever let you know just how much you mean to him if you won’t even give him a chance? How can he buy you all those things he thinks you deserve if you don’t give him your credit card?
No siree, don’t even pay attention to all those stories from his past — his past means nothing. It is that wonderful rosy future together that you are going to have, just as soon as you pay off all his creditors and get him a new phone, that you should be concentrating on!
And don’t you know that ALL of his other conquests found him to be the “Best Sex Ever” and waited around for him, delirious with desire and ready and willing to satisfy his every lustful wish at a moment’s notice. They also didn’t bother him with nasty little details like the rent being due, or the electric company sending a final cut off notice, either. They just handled it. They also were polite enough not to mention his troubles with ED. How rude of you to notice.
In fact, if you are going to be that rude, and unforgiving, he may be forced to just give up on ever having a REAL RELATIONSHIP with you again! He may have to call up one of his “perfect” angels who are waiting in the wings (but who he has not talked with or had sex with until he knows for sure it is over with you) for him. She wants to support him and be cheated on all the time — she’s a real woman! Sexy, too! As sexy as an STD waiting to happen!
What a catch!
Entitled Malignant Mel/Melanie…He/She deserves anything they want, and right now they want you. You can be everything to them, their shining star….if you just bend over backwards to provide what they want, when they want it, how they want it.
What? You dare to disagree with anything they desire/think/do? You dare to have inconvenient needs and wants yourself? Well how dare you! The nerve! You should just feel lucky you have been granted the favor of being their servant and endlessly grateful for the scant kibbles they occasionally throw your way. They are self recognized royalty. Grunt work is for peons…. like you. If you don’t play by their rules, well, you need to be punished. You need to know your place. They have the right to do anything that they want to you to punish you for going against their wishes. Just ask anybody. They work hard to maintain that sparkly persona designed to keep everyone in their sway. They will go around smearing you to everyone to make sure you have no support system. They will do anything they have to to punish you by taking your home, your money, your soul, well, pretty much whatever they can from you and your kids because the only person who matters is them. After all, they deserve everything, while you and the children deserve nothing for thwarting them. And when you are penniless, homeless, devastated because of their selfish ways…… Hey, they are not meanies. It’s justice because you were cruel to them by not granting their fabulous selves their every wish.
You had it coming, you evil thing.
I was married to Malignant Mel. No picnic there.
Tessie – “What? You dare to disagree with anything they desire/think/do? You dare to have inconvenient needs and wants yourself? Well how dare you! The nerve! You should just feel lucky you have been granted the favor of being their servant and endlessly grateful for the scant kibbles they occasionally throw your way. They are self recognized royalty. Grunt work is for peons…. like you. If you don’t play by their rules, well, you need to be punished. You need to know your place. They have the right to do anything that they want to you to punish you for going against their wishes. Just ask anybody”
This makes me laugh. I KNEW who I was married to for 35 yrs. The thing is, the trollop doesn’t. Ha. So, this makes me laugh quite a bit. It’s his way or no way. No in-between. She can have him and enjoy it. Also, the gold-digger will be with the Scroogiest guy in her life.
So, I’ll call mine the Scrooge Scourer. Oh, he needed breakfast made every morning. I didn’t do that. But, boy, I bet she’s happy to get up in his undershirt and make him that bacon he needsto help, well, that turtle gut cover up his inadequacies. (quoted from another poster!)
Devious Dan who’s All Talk and No Action (at least when it comes to his wife and family). He’s related to Sparkles McGee. He says all the right things when you meet, declares you’re the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, reels you in and then slowly degrades you over time with manipulation, gaslighting and constant negativity. But it’s your fault cause you don’t understand him – his back handed compliments are really compliments but you read too much into everything. He’s so important that he’s not able to take time during the workday to handle personal things, pick sick kids up from school, talk to a contractor, book a vacation (with you, at least), much less to call or text you. But he has to be available 24/7 days a week to answer work texts, calls and emails (those howorkers never stop ‘working’). If you ask him to spend a little time with you or help you out then you’re too needy or trying to bring drama into the relationship. Don’t you know he loves you – ugh, why do you need him to show you that he does? The reality is that he spends his work day trolling women and scheduling time with whichever one says yes to him, then meets them at a skeezy motel for a lunchtime romp or tells you he’s working late so he can hook up with them. If his playmates aren’t available then a hooker works too (pun intended). The secrecy and pulling one over on his wife while pretending to be a great guy is what thrills him the most. An added bonus for him is that the more he ignores her, dumps everything on her and complains, the more irritated she becomes with him which makes her look crazy. It’s a win-win for him – at least until she discovers his secrets.
“The secrecy and pulling one over on his wife while pretending to be a great guy is what thrills him the most.”
This one sentence perfectly sums up my 20 year marriage.
“The secrecy and pulling one over on his wife while pretending to be a great guy is what thrills him the most. An added bonus for him is that the more he ignores her, dumps everything on her and complains, the more irritated she becomes with him which makes her look crazy. It’s a win-win for him – at least until she discovers his secrets.”
THIS^^^^^^is exactly what I dealt with. Thank you Byebyecheater for giving him another name. Dickhead Douchebag was getting old!
Ho hubs specialty right here. I have to be explicit and absolutely accurate in everything I say and I am obviously completely literal and specific but he can state whatever he wants, be critical and demeaning and I’m supposed to know it’s in jest or it’s not actually critical (what??) – it’s factual observation so obviously it’s not mean it’s just how things are. Ok, Ho hub, you’re fat and your belly is sticking out below shirts. That’s factual. Not mean. How are your feelers now.
An old, long-time boyfriend used to act this way toward me… it stopped (him pretending to be confused about simple things) when I shouted at him, “Who the fuck ARE you anyway? Amelia Bedelia?! You need me to be THAT specific?” It was something about him taking out the garbage. He asked if there was something he could help with and I asked him to take out the garbage. He set it directly outside my apartment door. (It was my day off; I didn’t go anywhere.) A neighbor, seeing the bag fall over and oozing, brought it to the dumpster and had a CHAT with me about it the next day.
He told me I should have specified. Idiot.
That got a full belly laugh out loud from me. Amelia bedelia… Classic.
“Who the fuck ARE you anyway? Amelia Bedelia?!”
Hahahaha, I suddenly recall a scene from one of her books, where Amelia is asked to “draw” the curtains in the afternoon to keep the sun from fading the upholstery….. And if course, Amelia “draws” a picture of the curtains….. on paper.
^^^This….every day!
Ditto !!! With the added bonus of I will make all final decisions for this family– who died and made you God?
Nuclear Powered Narcissist Automaton Sparkles McGee – She is so great, endless energy, everyone admires her and guess what, people better admire her constantly … or else! Careful where you step or else you could slip into the the bottomless pit of needy narcissism .
Warning: do not get a (manageable) chronic disease that makes you tired periodically and requires spousal emotional support, or else you will be too “negative”… but no worries there Mr. Negative, she already found another soul mate(TM) that she meets in super-secret heated places and he is positive.
Also, years after discovering the affair and being divorced, why can’t you be cool and be friends with the OM soul mate (who is still not divorced from his marriage) ? You are so negative.
Triangle Tony. He loves you as long as you are in a relationship with someone else. Then when he “wins,” he starts looking for the exit door–some other lucky woman in a relationship he can disrupt. For Triangle Tony, it’s all about “winning” a one-sided game and then moving on to someone else.
Ping pong petie lives with other woman the one he left you for but keeps coming around for dinner, dating and sex and won’t go away because hey he still loves you and enjoys being a ping pong ball.
Peter Pan: “I don’t want to grow up.”
Tit-for-Tat Tom: “If I put the laundry in the dryer that’s three feet from my computer where I’m sending out porn pics, then you’re going to have to mow the lawn.”
Catholic When I Want to be Cam: “No, I can’t help you with the vomiting kids because Mass starts at 9 (and that’s where Skanky and I meet every Sunday before our romp in the hay).”
Groundhog Day Gary (aka Phil): “I want to re-enact every event I had with my ex wife.”
Peter Pans are real, and they suck. I went out with a 48 year old lifetime player, who already had a 25 year old daughter he was never there for. He said “I think I’m ready for a family now.”
FOO issues Fonzie: He grew up in a family where cheating was the norm. He can’t help it. It’s all he knows. He promises that he’s trying to be faithful, but women fall all over him; they won’t stop calling and texting. His FOO issues render him defenseless against the bootie call. Poor Fonzie. Will he ever be capable of faithfulness? (the answer is no).
And even if he could, would you want his selfish self hanging around? With my ex, the inherited cheating gene was a GIFT! Got him out of my life. Too bad I waited until DDay #2 ….
I give up! Too many character disordered.
Can’t you just hear ‘o solo mio’ playing in the background?!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_mLFHLSULw
Just-a-Friend Justin(a):
Everyone loves me and wants to be my friend! I don’t TRY to make friends, they just attached themselves to me. Like velcro, or random burrs in the woods. I’m just friendly and then they start inviting me for lunch, or to the park, or to their apartment. I had NO IDEA they wanted sex, but, c’mon, when they start giving me a massage, and ask me about my sex life, and just throw themselves at me, it’s only human to respond to their attraction and desire and invitation, I couldn’t help myself! It’s not like I went LOOKING for an affair – I just make friends easily. Can >II< help it if they throw themselves at me?
Just-a-Friend Justin(a) comes equipped with a whole phone directory full of Just-Friend-Exes they keep in touch with regularly. Because it’s cool and mature and insouciant and oh-so-like-being-in-a-French-film to be ‘just friends’ with former sex partners who split up because, er, they didn’t get along really. When the sex steam settled, they found they didn’t like each other. Oh but they make such great ‘friends’! For like, phone calls and texts and hanging out and coffee and drinks… and NO you are NOT invited, what are you, some kind of weirdo third-wheel hanger-on who wants to come between two very good ‘just friends’??
ALCOHOLIC AL/ALICE…….. need I say more?
This makes me think that dating is futile. Can I have some profiles of nice people? What are some green flags. I need green flags.
Green flags:
— Has a good job/career
— Has hobbies or activities he likes to pursue outside of work and home (ie isn’t a shut-in)
— Is not loaded down by mountains of debt (or at least, has a good reason for why he’s in-debt and a clear plan for paying it off)
— Listens when you speak
— Shows interest in at least some of the things you are passionate about
— Accepts responsibility for his failures in life; isn’t constantly making excuses for why things haven’t worked out
— Keeps his home and car relatively clean
— Is willing to be on the same page as you physically
— Similar lifestyle choices (smoking, fitness, alcohol, allergies, pets, whatever)
— Has social skills and makes conversation easily when you introduce him to others
Rarity–Disingenuous Joe had all of these green flags yet turned out to be Disingenuous Joe…..confusing? Yep. Mind fuck? Yep!
Thank god it only took 7 weeks from beginning to end….
Many disordered people are able to keep on a mask of sanity/normality/good guyness for quite some time, and appear to be great people in the beginning. Stay with them long enough, however, and you will eventually see the cracks, as you discovered. That’s the secret. ANYONE can pretend to be green flags in the beginning. You just need to take it slowly and pay attention to your gut. Eventually, you’ll either find that s/he really IS a green flag, or you’ll start to see the red flags wildly waving.
Listen to your gut, it’ll give you the answers as time goes by, and you have to be willing to hear it.
Forgot to mention:
— If he has kids, is current on child support and/or visitation obligations
Creativerational, green flags would be a man/woman whose words match their actions, who treats you with respect, who actually listens when you talk and responds appropriately, who can accept minor disappointments with grownup grace, who has appropriate social skills, who practices good personal care and hygiene, who honors his/her commitments and obligations, who does not depend on others for his/her sense of self worth, who is able to occupy his/her own time without an endless need for outside stimulation, who has had at least one serious long-term relationship, who has a good relationship with his/her family and children, who cares about current events and the world in general, who has a few hobbies and at least a few friends, who has a job of some sort and doesn’t mooch off you or others, who cares about your enjoyment in bed as much as his/her own, who makes you laugh, who you enjoy being with, who you look forward to seeing and who makes you feel comfortable and at ease.
Glad—re: Disingenuous Joe–he ticked MANY of the boxes that you mentioned in your green light post. THAT’S what makes it even more daunting and CONFUSING…It is so hard to know when the real is really REAL. Just when I was beginning to relax and think I could let my defenses down, I found out what I thought was, wasn’t.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBVlRWJdNzU&sns=em
This is literally the first thing that popped into my head.
All at the same time?!!
😉
Creativerational—When I met the man I posted about below, Disingenuous Joe, I thought ALL I saw were green flags. Wow, was I fooled. I thought this man was sincere and understanding of how tentative I was…..I was really hopeful that I had found a ‘good one’. We agreed we would be ‘exclusive’ while we were seeing where it would lead. (The relationship had not progressed to anything physical); he constantly expressed his contentment with how things were going.
7 weeks into the ‘relationship’, 36 hours after my having agreed to attend two holiday family functions of his and making plans for a fancy gala on NYEve, I find he’s not honored his pledge to close his dating site profile…..he was on OKCupid trawling for women. I clicked on his profile and he was immediately notified by OKC that I was viewing his profile in real time. He hid his profile and shot off the site in an instant.
I dumped his ass within ten minutes.
BTW–this guy is 69 years old!!!! They apparently don’t ‘outgrow’ it.
not exactly calming my fears here. Lol. Gawd. I think i just join a bowling league and hope for the best. They’re probably going to end up being swingers, with my luck.