Ever Run Into an Affair Partner?
Here’s an etiquette dilemma Emily Post completely skipped over — how do you handle Schmoopie encounters?
Must you say anything at all? What about compulsory occasions like a child’s wedding? Or what if you stumble across them at your local hardware store (there in the screw department, I imagine) or worse, some “friend’s” party? Do you play it off with icy indifference? Flounce out of the room in tears? Slap the miscreant with your glove and challenge him to a duel?
How on earth do chumps share social space with these people?
My advice is do your best not to. No contact. And remember, you’ve got nothing to feel mortified about. They are the damaged, sad, amoral, fucked up people. At best they are lost and deluded, at the worst they are predatory creeps. There isn’t a single Schmoopie in this world you should feel intimidated by.
The person who should feel mortified is the affair partner. Why should you retreat? Why should you skulk off upset? Hold your head high.
When you internalize that this person is pathetic — and you are not — you don’t have to be afraid to run into one of them. What are they going to do? Taunt you? Say nannernanner boo boo I fucked your spouse? Your response to that should be:
Today’s Friday challenge is to share your close encounters with Schmoopies. Extra points for haughty indifference.
TGIF!
Soooo… I had one of the AP move in to the other side of our duplex with her new bf (who already lived there). She approached me once, just once, and learned her lesson on that very quickly. She came over once and I gave her every nasty tear down I had. She scampered away with her tail between her legs, and I told FW “This is the final straw. The boys and I are moving. You are welcome to stay here and play third wheel to Chewbacca there while she plays mommy-of-the-week to her new attachment, but I’m out. If you choose to come with us, this is it. If I find out about ANY other “inappropriate relationships” as you call them, you’re on your ass out the door.” We bought a house and we’re out three months later. He cheated again within the first year of owning the house, and I’m still trying to get rid of him now, three years later. Should never have signed the mortgage with him.
This brings up a good point about chump home ownership. Don’t let the FW be half owner if you can prevent it. If you’ve been chumped and are house shopping, if at all possible, make a non-negotiable demand to get the deed to the new house in your name but the mortgage in FW’s name. That’s what I did. FW thought it would serve to make amends and keep us together. I, um, may have given him that impression somehow ;-). However, I took off for my new house without him and he has to pay for it. I keep an eye on it in case he tries to stop paying, but FW is obsessive about his credit rating and can’t bear to miss a payment on anything. If, however, you can’t rely on the FW to pay bills, then get the deed and the mortgage for yourself, then say toodle-oo to the fool.
In many jurisdictions if you are still married the house cannot be completely deeded to one of you. So I got 99% ownership. That’s good enough for me. Get as much as the law allows. If FW ever asks me to buy him out of his 1% that will be no sweat, especially since I don’t pay the mortgage.
That would be an interesting Friday topic: what to include in a post-nup agreement.
Obsessive about his credit rating but gave no shits about his character rating……
Im glad you got the deeds and are free from the loser
Thanks Claire.
To him paying your bills is proof of character, actually. His standards are low. He’s one of the few people in his family not dodging creditors and getting foreclosed on, so as long as he’s a step above them, he thinks he’s a good guy. Most of them are cheaters as well as deadbeats. I should have known. I thought he was different from the rest since he was the only one who had a brain and pursued higher education. Neither of his parents even had a high school diploma. He was living with them in the projects when we met. I was certainly not going to judge somebody based on his life circumstances, but I should have been forewarned based on the demonstrated lack of character (or sanity) of his grifting, cheating, disordered FOO. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I regret that. I should have bolted as soon as I met them.
They always cheat again ???? I really don’t think they wish to learn any life lessons. So, just disappear phony partner!
But that must have been fun to launch on OW!
Key word “phony.”
They mimic those around them. It’s so obvious to me now.
Has anyone else noticed how they copy the interests and fashion of the AP’s?
A few months before Dday I noticed cheater suddenly taking an interest in his appearance. Shopping for clothes for himself which he never did. The clothes he bought weren’t clothes or colors he’d wear.
He bought white work out clothes, bright colored shorts which was unusual.
He didn’t like to wear anything white, especially work out shirts, he also never wore hats especially white hats. I shrugged it off, as I did the manscaping, unprovoked rages, looks of disdain.., being overly critical.
Thinking it was a phase he was going through.
After Dday and I found out about his AP. I looked o her fb and the clothes cheater bought were the same a what AP wore. White work out shirts, white hats, brightly colored shorts.
Thought it was interesting.
Yes, they’re fake, phony full of s**t.
It’s only a matter of time before they cheat again.
They confuse love with infatuation.
We all know how long that lasts.
“Has anyone else noticed how they copy the interests and fashion of the AP’s?”
Yes, big time. It’s narcissistic mirroring. My FW would watch the kind of TV shows and listen to the kind of music he had always hated just because she liked them. He would ask me to buy him bizarre and ugly items of clothing that he would normally have never dreamed of wearing. I thought he was losing his marbles. Turns out she had commented she liked them when she saw them on somebody else so he just had to have them. After Dday he admitted he hated all of it and that she had never even noticed he had tried to please her by copying her tastes.
Narcs have no identity of they own. That’s why they mirror the tastes and values of their favorite source of supply.
FW mirrored me for many years, so I thought we had the same values.
But he has no values that are his own. He doesn’t really have any interests of his own either.
Wearing the exact same outfits as the AP is taking it a step further though. What a weenie. It’s funny how they accused us of being controlling when they are totally dominated by the AP.
He took up yoga for exactly this reason. What a truly laughable event. (He’s all yours now, honey!)
Giving cheaters second or more chances to hurt you is like shooting yourself in the foot and expecting it to not hurt. We are too forgiving, too optimistic, too self sacrificing.
Totally agree. Unfortunately some of us don’t discover Chump Lady until after it’s all done ????♀️
I was stalked, accused of breaking and entering, run off the road following my granddaughters performance. In addition I was screamed at for shopping in a grocery store and later she attempted to get a restraining order. The police were called when she saw me at a takeout restaurant and she reported me as a drunk driver, I rarely drink. She was unsuccessful on all attempts. I filed a police report and nothing stopped the harassment. Then she tried to discredit me to my adult children. All of this after she attempted to be my friend. I’m no contact for life.
Now, thankfully they moved to an elderly park 1000 miles away due to a lack of resources. She thought he had money; he needed someone to support his retirement plans. What a happy ending.
OMG, my FW’s AP accused me of breaking and entering. She also stalked me, then turned around and accused me of stalking HER. She tried to get me fired from my job (we were all coworkers! Fun times, LOL), but they called us BOTH into the office and said, basically, keep your shit at home. She fled from that meeting the moment it was done. I stayed and chatted with HR, and it was pretty clear that they knew I wasn’t the problem. My HR lady said “you’ll look back eventually and laugh about all this”. I didn’t think I ever would, but she was right. I think it’s pathetic and hilarious how hard AP tried to make me the villain when she was the one who was behaving horribly. I just showed up to work and stayed in my cubicle. FW and AP were all over each other at work, and since people knew me and knew he and I were married, I wasn’t the one who looked bad. Both FW and AP eventually left the job because they said it was “too uncomfortable”. I stayed, got promoted, and am still here. After they left, a lot of people (including our boss) came to me and said they were on my side, though for professional reasons they couldn’t really say anything while the parties were employed.
Wow this all takes the cake. I thought the APs in my case were bad for making public false accusations about me after lying to my face and the one who left when I did because it wasn’t fun for her if she wasn’t destroying lives. Oh no, your story shows it gets much much worse. I hope you are safe now!
Yes, the move was recent. I no longer have to scan my surroundings.
Those things still suck, though, ((MarissaChump.)) Am sorry to hear them! I never had any direct dealings with either of the two (physical) APs in my case, though my STBX pined after her “best friend” (with whose family we frequently vacationed, etc.) for years. I haven’t spoken with that person (or any other potential emotional affair partners) since D-Day #2, either.
All best to you and to ((doingme)).
First time I left the house after DDay I went to a restaurant and spotted him as the waitress was taking me to a table. I just walked away and went back home for a few more days.
Haven’t seen him since, but now that the divorce has been final for a bit I hope I would just ignore him and go about my business.
I also walked into a restaurant and spotted cheater as the waitress was taking me to a table. I also walked away and went home. Although not before cheater noticed me.
A few days later one of our neighbors (a flying monkey) called to ask me what I was thinking by making a scene at the restaurant when I spotted cheater. He told her I screamed at him in the restaurant disturbing other diners. Cheater came close to calling the police and if it happens again he will. That I will end up in jail. Flying Monkey refused to listen to what I had to say and ended the conversation with, “no wonder cheater wants to divorce you.”
Is it possible your neighbor had a thing for your ex? For someone to go out of their way to accuse and insult you is a bit bizarre to say the least. That said there are way too many angry disordered people today that are on the constant lookout for targets.
I hope you promptly told this neighbour to fuck right off!
The nerve!!
“Too bad you didn’t take that turd off my hands years ago.”
I didn’t actually say this but I wish I could. 🙂 In reality, I’d probably ignore.
Schmoopie posts passive-aggressive & competitive things aimed at me. I haven’t encountered her yet in person (but she has sent me messages to stay away from my husband) & I’ve gone out of my way to avoid her/them. I have no doubt that she waits gleefully for the day that she can show-boat “her man” & lift her leg & pee on him in front of me, staking her claim. I will not be a part of this crazy bitch thing that she’s got going on & I avoid them, but will stand my ground if need be. This broad is so clearly insecure & delusional that I want “her man” that I will tell her I’m calling 911 (and will) if she approaches me. I wouldn’t be surprised if she would relish a high school girl fight in the bathroom. My ex-husband may be playing triangulation games but I’ll let the cops deal with that.
She knows that what goes around, comes around. He cheated with her, it’s only a matter of time before he cheats ON her. She’s anxiously awaiting that event. Coming attractions!
A wise decision, Wow. She sounds unhinged.
It’s been 2.5 years since discovering ex’s affair… with my best friend. I have not seen or talked to her since. Thank goodness. She has not come to any of my children’s events, and neither have her kids. (Although ex takes our kids to her kids’ events). I’m thrilled she doesn’t come. I do think that she’s probably too embarrassed to come to events. (The news of the affair spread far and wide in our small community, and people were definitely on my side!) Plus, her kids can be brats and probably refuse to come to my kids’ events. (My ex makes my kids go to her kids’ events; doesn’t give them a choice).
Are your kids friendly with her kids at all? Sounds incredibly awkward. Your ex obviously doesn’t care about the kids feelings.
Our stories sound similar. Except for the part where people were “on my side”. It seems most of my former friends – “Christians”, of course – have rallied around the poor, demure AP. She’s a pretty hometown girl, and her parents are leaders in the community. To have our mutual friends shut me out has felt almost as wretched as my STBX choosing her as his AP. I still have trouble believing it all.
They’re probably all cheating on each other too. Cheaters support each other. And if they’re not cheaters…..they’ll find out soon enough what those two are really like. You can’t keep up a front forever.
Totally disgusting and despicable people. I’m so sorry.
I’ve run into schmoopie a couple of times at grocery stores. She and FW live just a couple of miles from me (my choice. I moved closer to them so that FW could never blame me for keeping him from his son. And to prove I’m fearless! 🙂 (truthfully I wanted to live as far away as possible but this just seemed like the best move for my son at the time)
I’ve noticed that Schmoopie gets all chirpy and tries to bark orders at me and threaten police. She clearly has fear and anxiety. So…. I double down ON BEING CREEPY NICE but VERY LOUD
A few years ago, I ran into schmoopie and FW at Trader Joe’s and smiled and said “OH LOOK! IT’S FW AND SCHMOOPIE (using their real names)! HOW ARE YOU???” They couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Then while they were rushing at the register, I walked over and said quietly to shmoopie “if you don’t want to run into me here, maybe don’t come when you know my kid is in Sunday school. I’m usually here at this time.” And she started SCREAMING “GO AWAY MICHELLESHOCKED!” It was really weird lol
On Christmas Eve 2020 I ran into schmoopie at a grocery store (we were all masked up but I still recognized her). I said sunnily “HI SCHMOOPIE! HOW ARE YOU?” She smiled then realized… and rushed out. I was with my boyfriend. FW was not with her. LOL
I found my power over her. Face her head on (but overly loudly friendly) and let her freak out.
I’ll bet she has nightmares at night about me 😉
Even Schmoopies have some level of guilt. And they hate being publicly exposed or embarrassed. When you spend so much time doing shitty things in the dark, you kind of like to stay in there. It’s wonder they don’t all become vampires.
Sounds like a bunch of unnecessary drama to me. You might feel better just ignoring them.
If you haven’t got a horse in this race, then why are you here? Don’t come here making fatuous judgements of people who’ve been through hell. ????????
What a lovely army of chumps we have. Thank you too Chumpnomore6!!
How judgy of you NoHorseInThisRace! You sound like a pineapple.
“You sound like a pineapple ???? “
I spit out my tea giggling, kimsoverit2!
NHITR, she indicated she feels good about it. She knows best what makes her feel good.
The drama is all on Schmoopie and FW’s side. It sounds like Michelle is laughing inside as they’re freaking out and running away. Why should she care if they have drama between themselves about it? She doesn’t have to deal with it and it serves them right.
OHFFS, couldn’t have said it better myself! Thank you
Nohorseinthisrace,
Are you a chump? Or literally have “no horse in this race?”
Michelleshocked, you are mighty!!!
I love it, MichelleShocked! I WISH I could adopt this approach but the thought of engaging with them in any way still fills me with panic. How did you develop your fearlessness?
Same, MaisyL. I crossed paths with AP, my former friend, on the chip aisle in the grocery store sometime during height of Covid. We were masked but I recognized her. I involuntarily said “hi”. ????????♀️ Hopefully she took it more as a mask-muffled “oh!” I then beelined to opposite side of the store and had an anxiety attack. I cannot imagine having enough wherewithal to say any words to her at all. I do hope she pooped her pants.
MaisyL, It wasn’t real fearlessness in the beginning. I’d even have some anxiety myself afterwards. But when I sensed that she was trying to scare me but actually showed signs of anxiety… I decided to just go for it.
I just pretended to be fearless in the beginning…. You can’t get in trouble for loudly saying “hi” or “hello” or “how are you?” or “merry Christmas” and then HER NAME — even if it’s way too loudly and brightly. Big smile. But I saw it worked. She tried to get away quick! She sometimes even freaks out lol
Now I’m at meh over FW, so I’ve become truly fearless and don’t care afterwards. I rarely run into her… maybe once a year. But as the years pass I don’t care anymore. But each time I say “HI!!!!!!”, I can see that it still freaks her out.
She doesn’t purposely show up to anything I’m at now. So that’s a plus 🙂
I went one further with an AP. Send her (and her parents, daughter, siblings, and employer) copies of my medical bills and diagnoses from the STDs she so wonderfully passed along. She called and left a message that I was “mean.”
I laughed so hard at that I choked myself.
Hahahahaha. OMG. That’s GOLD.
The FW and his current wife (not AP) plus her entire family (small town) have taken this approach with me. They all try to force me to engage, but I’ve refused. They think that he has repented, and they are VERY supportive of him/them. They act as though I’m a fallen angel overcome with the sin of anger and bitterness that they want to help me to heal from. I know better. It’s not anger and bitterness keeping me away, it’s hard won wisdom.
All that is to say that I know exactly how horrible it feels to be on the other end of this type of treatment so I say good for you!! Any advice to me on how to handle it, though?
Stay tough. You’re in the right – they just don’t know what a piece of crap he is. You’re entitled to your own feelings based on your own experiences – no one can or should tell you how to feel. If it was them…..they’d be the same way. Forgiveness is WAYYYY over-rated.
Mama Chump, it’s far more difficult in your case because you’re dealing with big numbers (family)… and not even AP. So give yourself some grace.
But if they are literally cornering you and trying to make you “see the light” I’d probably stick to ignoring them like the pests they are. Or if you are feeling mighty and super sarcastic, just say “Hi!!! So great to see you!” with a big smile and keep walking.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that in small town. They’re all a bunch of flying monkeys.
Haha, I did the opposite. Early on in divorce, I was at our commercial property. She started to say something & I quickly said “never speak to me”. She got in my face cocking her head from side to side, fuming. She called husband’s lawyer to try & get me barred from entering a building I co-owned. Didn’t work.
What is it about barring us from our own property? We were selling our marital home and Asshat told our realtor that I legally didn’t have access to my house. I tried to tell the agency that I did. He changed the locks and out a camera on the front door. All I did was got a locksmith to make me a key, went through the back garage (as Asshat had programmed my car for the garage door), and entered undetected for months through the back door. I live a block away and was on my way to work when I spotted her car and a moving van moving furniture into my house. I lost it. This is the only time I have (and ever will) speak to her. I screamed at her with every other word “whore”. My soon to be ex husband was summoned from work and arrived so quickly he must have gone 100 miles an hour. He and I had it out on the front sidewalk and he videoed.
I should have not engaged with her at all. Learned my lesson.
As my so. Told me early on: “this is what you do, mom. You don’t acknowledge her. You don’t speak to her. You never mention her name. She is beneath you”.
He’s absolutely correct.
I seriously can’t fault anything you did. With my temper I probably would have beat the shit out of her. We’re expected to put up with unreasonable things and society is skewed in favor of cheaters.
Ha ha. It’s so true. FW told me he’d call the cops if I showed up to the house I co-owned. He installed security cameras because he was convinced I was coming over without his knowledge and going through his stuff. Hilarious, because I never did. He thought he had a right to bar me from my home, but never went to the trouble of, say, getting a court order for temporary use of the home. My attorney told me if he changed the locks, I was within my legal rights to call a locksmith and break in.
I like your style MichelleShocked.
Thank you! I should really go “no contact.” But once I realized AP thought she could control me and threatened police (for dropping my son off in her driveway quietly) and other crap in the past, the gloves were off. Now I’m just nice as can be (loudly and confrontationally) and she RUNS ????
Would you believe she complained so much about it to FW that he tried to bring it up to his attorney. One complaint from FW was from about 5 years ago: “MichelleShocked wished AP a Merry Christmas!!!” I looked at my attorney and his attorney and shrugged.
Yep… nothing you can do about “nice” ????
I can only imagine the fun arguments AP and FW have over this idiocy
Love it.
One of the things my daughter in law told me soon after our D, was that fw would not allow whore to say anything negative about me, or throw away some keepsakes he had. Evidently whore had complained to daughter in law about this.
I laughed at that. I am sure that after trashing me to whore while he was screwing her in back alleys, it was fun and exciting; but now that his house of cards had fallen somehow it lost its magic.
As soon as the ink was dry on the divorce decree, my kids started telling stories about a female drawing hearts on the fridge and furtively spending the night in exFW’s bed. ExFW denied for months. Switzerland friends hesitantly confirmed the name and that I had seen her at someone birthday party. So after dome LinkedIn sleuthing I identified the Shmoopie while my kids were attempting to dictate my next family: “Shmoopie has an older daughter so it would be cool if you could find somebody with a younger son. I’d like a little brother ????. So after six months of that peekaboo, exFW chooses the day of the kid’s sport event to allow us to meet each others. I had their tickets (long story -a funny one – for me!) and was waiting at the cafeteria to deliver them. I played it Southern style (“smother them in kindness”) with a nice greeting and “I hear from the kids that you are very nice”. But when she started to chit chat, I escaped with “oh I have to get my folks, but we should have coffie together”. Aloof. I can play hard-to-get too ????Now she gets to play peekaboo. Three months later and Switzerland friends invite all of us at the same event. Ha! I might condescend to chit chat now that I am not playing hide-and-seek with a Schroedinger female that sleeps -or not- in my kids’ dad’s bed. Tsss. Even kids ain’t that gullible ????
Only encounter post DDay was when I went to her house to find out the truth.
I’d known her for many years as she worked with my then husband and we had vacationed together.
She at least admitted the affair!
But I realized while talking that she didn’t have a clue that what she had done was wrong ????
Her father was a cheater, she’d never been married (or in any relationship over the 15 years I’d known her) or had kids.
Self-centered, greedy, no sure she is even narcissistic. My sense was clueless.
I walked away shaking my head and remarked how pitiful it was that taking someone’s husband was the best she could do.
Over the past 14 years she has never been allowed near me or any any events for my kids/grandkids. He’s never asked to bring her. I don’t understand why he doesn’t even ask to bring her although I would never let that happen. There are no public photos of them together and if they’re married it’s a secret.
I do NOT feel the least bit sorry for her and I think her life is pathetic. Ex now has major health issues and is on permanent disability; he’s fat and unhappy. Lucky her – a nurse and a purse!
Lucky me with freedom, plenty of alimony, fabulous, loving kids, grandkids and amazing friends
What you said is very powerful, because it’s true. So many men in the world she had to take someone’s husband? That’s pretty pathetic. Sounds like she got the prize in the CrackerJacks box though – you made out well!
Similar experience here, Rebecca. AP isn’t included in any of our family events. Our three adult children consider her irrelevant, and oddly enough my ex seems to agree. He enjoys the separation between his former family and his new life. Maybe he uses this to control her, already breaking down her self esteem by not including her. I’d almost feel sorry for her, but she knew me, knew my kids, and went into this situation willingly. Twenty years younger and only seven years older than our oldest child, she’ll never be a step mother even when they marry. Any future kids they may have would be innocent, and I’d only feel sorry for them. Yet, I still don’t think my kids would want a relationship with the AP, and I’m pretty sure she feels the same.
What I’ve learned over the past 3-4 years is that I’ve got my own weird and wonderful life to live and what Ex & AP do or don’t do has nothing to do with me. I haven’t seen this woman in four years, in a town where I could easily bump into her. Nor have I run into the other women, even the one who lives two miles away.
I’m grateful that no one seems to be pushing the blended family. I don’t know why people feel obligated to do that if it isn’t welcomed. When relationships develop from infidelity, I don’t think it’s possible to form that type of bond. I’d never encourage my kids to live like that if they didn’t feel it was right for them.
“I walked away shaking my head and remarked how pitiful it was that taking someone’s husband was the best she could do”
I love this. Very powerful.
Thanks for saying that Fourleaf.
I’ve wished since then that I could have found smarter departing words so I appreciate your comment!
Oh, I also think you did very well with those parting words. I think they’re perfect!
I have never spoken to or met Ex-Mrs LFTT’s AP. I did see him once as I was parking up ahead of what turned out to be our last divorce hearing at Court; he was walking across the carpark with the then Mrs LFTT and went on (I now know) to attend a meeting between her and her solicitors and he then came to the Court to “support her.”
Sidenote: if you deny having any form of relationship with someone and deny that you ever had an affair with him, you’ve got to be a strange combination of stupid and brassy to have them accompany you to your divorce hearing. And even more stupid to deny being in a relationship with said AP to the Judge when your public FaceBook profile states that you’ve been in a relationship with him since before you left the family home ….. but I digress.
Anyway, it did cross my mind that while I might be justified in running the pair of them over, it probably wouldn’t be a good thing for either our kids or me. So I didn’t ….. but I can’t say I wasn’t ever so slightly tempted. So, to answer CL’s question; no, I’ve never run into the AP, but I did pass up the opportunity to run her and her AP over …. hope that’s close enough for a Friday.
LFTT
If you do ever run over them, remember to back up – just to be sure.
I was with my younger two children watching my eldest son play football. My younger kids and I were standing on the sidelines with other team parents and my eldest was on the field. Intern-AP marched over to us with her and Ex-H’s love child in a Bugaboo. She stood right in front of me, got in my face and said very loudly “HELLO MAISYL”. I just shifted over a bit to the right and continued to watch my son on the field. She then looked at my younger boys and said, “It’s ok boys. I understand about your mother. You can say hi to us later.” They looked so awkward, I could have punched her in the face for creating this situation. But I just kept watching my son on the field.
I told the younger boys afterward that their father’s partner was in their lives, not mine. I chose not to engage with her, but if they thought it was better for any reason or it made their lives easier in any way to greet her/say hello – around me or not – it was fine by me.
But what the hell was that skank thinking?
What a bitch!
Just trying to get you to acknowledge her ‘status’ as ex’s partner. What a stupid whore.
What an unbelievable … I’m sputtering …. It’s just so cruel to your kids.
Skanks gotta skank.
Thankfully this has never happened to me because they live in another town. The FW was looking at houses with her in our very small town and calling her his wife( we had just separated and were very much still married—34 years). The pond scum have no shame. Oh and she would have had to buy it since he was unemployed.
Only at grand children’s graduations, and a couple early grandchild birthday parties. I basically took the glance and nod approach. It worked.
They both looked like two fat little little rat faced whores to me. Nothing to get excited about. I mean that literally, I was actually about 2 inches shorter than my ex fw. He was 5’7″, I was 5’5″ (barely), yet I noticed he looked so much shorter. Probably his shrunken shoulders and ducked head.
“They both looked like two fat little little rat faced whores to me”
????????????????
My ex married 4 months after our divorce was finalized, and we have a young son together, so there has been plenty of times over the past 8 years to be face to face with Schmoopie. At first, I was very cordial and she honestly seemed like a great stepmom. Then she got the same treatment I had, not even a year into their marriage. She decided to stay, and since has cut off contact with me. Occasionally she’ll pick up my son for visitation with his “Uncle Daddy” and act like nothing ever happened. Honestly, at this point I feel sorry for her. i know what it is like to be married to him and my only hope is she doesn’t take it out on my son.
Years ago when the divorce was in process I ran into the OW by herself. I used it as an opportunity to warn her about FW and his diagnosis as a sociopath. Naturally she ignored my advice and five months after the divorce they married. I’ve heard recently through my adult children, that FW is giving her the same abusive treatment he used to dish out to me. At my son’s wedding a few months back I encountered them. Wifetress looked skinny and stressed. I approached her and said, “how are you doing wifetress?” with a tone of concern. She looked around and then said, “I don’t like to complain, but my arthritis has gotten really bad”. I thought, of course she “can’t” complain. Only FW is allowed. I genuinely feel sorry for her. She’ll never leave no matter the abuse because she has no one else.
Yep, my ex bought a house with that “friend” we were always arguing about while we were still mediating our divorce settlement. They’ve since married. She has a daughter near my daughter’s age, and they insist on signing them up for all the same things and really push the faux twins thing (to the point it’s caused confusion for my young daughter and I’ve had to clarify the difference between step siblings and bio siblings or real twins). I see them often. I usually ignore, minimally engage with her (or him). What’s funny is when we’re at an extended family get together (for one of my niece or nephews birthdays from his side). If I’m chatting with one of my former in-laws (many of whom I still get along with), she will sidle up to our conversation as soon as she can! I think she’s terrified about what I might be saying about them to other people in that family? IDK, but now I get a kick out of her try-hard antics.
x and I owned a repair shop. He cheated with my best friend. During the divorce I had some papers to drop off to him and texted him I was stopping by. He told me to.leave them in his truck as the AP was there and it would probably be embarrassing for me. I hesitated then realized I had nothing to be embarrassed about. Dropped the top on my convertible, blasted my favorite go to song and roared up to the business. Through the window I could see her scurry off. Walked in like I didn’t have a care in the world. Knowing the gutless wonder was hiding in a greasy mechanics bathroom, I proceeded to spend 30 minutes chatting with customers I knew. Dropped the papers on the counter as I walked out. Blasted my music and drove off. Received a text from x saying it really hurt his feelings to see that I didn’t care at all that he had left me and my behavior confirmed he was right to cheat. I didn’t reply. In reality it killed me inside to know that she had replaced me in a business that I had helped to build, but hell would freeze over before I let either of them know that.
You have style 🙂
Whoa NDD bravo. I picture you throwing a stick of dynamite over your head in the convertible as you drive off and watching the resultant explosion in your rear view mirror.
“Received a text from x saying it really hurt his feelings to see that I didn’t care at all that he had left me and my behavior confirmed he was right to cheat.”
Wow. The gall and the hypocrisy of that jerk! But it’s good to know it bothers him that you show no sign of giving a shit. Only a narcissist would cheat, leave, and then whine that you weren’t prostrate with sorrow about him leaving. It proves he wanted to hurt you.
Then to top it off, he uses something he obviously didn’t know at the time he started cheating (you not caring if he left) as a justification for the cheating. He’s just not that bright, is he.
That’s some Towanda-level badassery right there! I know what doing that must have cost you, emotionally, but damn! You got under both of their skin.
” Received a text from x saying it really hurt his feelings to see that I didn’t care at all that he had left me ”
Unicornomore’s amateur UBT:
“You were supposed to do the Pick Me Dance and since you didnt, it proved that my cheating was noble”
asshole
Towards the end of our marriage (it was ending in my mind), we were hosting a party with about 30 people. I walked into our kitchen and there was the stbx kissing amd smooching a guest. I simply walked out, wondering if they had noticed me.
Later that evening, after the party and it cleanup, he picked a fight with me, claiming I didn’t care about hime and the proof was I wasn’t angry about his=s
Well played! And it’s very telling that he had to try to tear you down with that “I was right to cheat” bullshit because he couldn’t stand your fabulousness.
I’m sure the business thing hurt but someone who lies and cheats in their marriage, will lie and cheat in business too so you probably dodged another bullet there.
Yep!
A relative ran a business with her husband. She handled all the accounting. He left her for a much younger women. She filed and got a settlement that included half the value of the business in home equity and retirement accounts. FW proceeded to use way too much cash from the business to continue to impress the gold digger. He neglected to pay payroll taxes and within three years the IRS and State closed his business. He was left with $100k debt and sweet cheeks moved on.
Hell yes. You are a badass.
????????????????????????????????
Kudos! ???? xx
And his reaction is the cherry on the sundae. Let ex-BF spend her life making sure Fonzie’s delicate condition is placated.
All the applause in the world to you NDD. This is how it’s done.
I had an awkward AF encounter…she came into my work (emergency department) for treatment of a minor illness. Already strike 1. We were super busy at the time, thanks Covid! Luckily I punted her to one of my coworkers; it was a rare day we had and extra PA that day; only because he was orienting and it was his first shift with us.
I know she saw me, and believe me, I let the staff know how I knew her after her discharge. She probably needed a STD work up also.
A few weeks after DD, my wife’s FW showed up to her hospital with a massive heart attack. She was working that day in the ICU as a nurse and got a call from the cath lab that he was there. She went down to see him in order to report back to their kids. He tried to take her hand but she just read his chart, talked to the nurses and walked out only to see AP in the hallway.
“He’s all yours now.” is all she said.
I cringe to remember this, but console myself that it was very early on in the divorce process, and I was still very raw.
She was in Morrison’s, (UK supermarket) and I walked up to her, called her a whore, and said she’d regret messing with me.
I wish now I’d either ignored her, or said something cool and snarky, but there you go. Doesn’t win the TGIF prize I’m afraid. ????
Yeah….but she is a whore and she probably should hear that every day. There’s nothing wrong with being honest about either your feelings – or what she is. All you people are so much nicer than me, LOLOL.
I am just glad I didn’t have to run into her early on. I can’t say for sure how it would have gone.
I tend to not be confrontational, so I likely would have pretended I didn’t see her. I think also what saved me was my dear dad was calling me regularly and encouraging me to take the high road, and don’t give them the satisfaction of any attention from me.
I also know fw kept her away from everyone for a long while. I don’t know, maybe he was hoping they would forget he left a decent loyal wife, and threw away his life’s work for the town whore. But hey, at least he could crawl in bed with his Juliet at night. You know, if Juliet had been a short, fat, rat-faced whore.
But if I knew some zingers I know now, I would have looked for the opportunity to zing her.
I did get to zing him a couple times, but not near enough.
Oddly to this say sometimes I feel a tinge of pity for fw, he truly did shit all over himself and his life. I still wonder what the hell he was thinking.
CNM6, that’s nothing to be ashamed of and you had every right to be enraged. She got off easy IMO.
It’s not that I’m ashamed, I agree she so absolutely deserved it. ????What makes me cringe is I let the bitch see how hurt and angry I was. Served the whore up a whole platter of kibbles that day. ????
Ah well, water under the bridge now. Onwards and upwards! Xx
Kibbles for her in the moment, yes, but it was also fair warning. No one can feel the least bit sorry for her now, karma-wise. The rat-faced whore was named and called out. Nemesis can have her.
From Wikipedia.org:
“…Nemesis, winged balancer of life, dark-faced goddess, daughter of Justice …Later, as the maiden goddess of proportion and the avenger of crime, she has as attributes a measuring rod (tally stick), a bridle, scales, a sword, and a scourge, and she rides in a chariot drawn by griffins….
The word nemesis originally meant the distributor of fortune, neither good nor bad, simply in due proportion to each according to what was deserved.[citation needed] Later, Nemesis came to suggest the resentment caused by any disturbance of this right proportion, the sense of justice that could not allow it to pass unpunished.[citation needed] …”
Thank you. ????
When your emotions are raw and your brain is telling you your world is crumbling, it’s hard to be perfectly calm. No need to cringe – especially here. I came this close >< to renting a billboard to expose them (but OW had kids, so no).
Thank you. ????
Don’t feel too bad – we are human and it was early days!
Early on my ex-brother-in-law left his Facebook open on my home computer. I went to her Facebook page where she had posted a photo of her taken at one my my son’s birthday parties. The photos was taken pre-DDay. I wrote a comment (under my ex-brother-in-law’s name) that called her a whore.
She freaked out and ex-brother-in-law was pissed. Still not sorry I did it as low and childish as it was. It was early days and I wanted to hurt someone and anyone for the dumpster fire my life had become.
We have to be kind to ourselves
❤️
Thank you Rebecca. ????
That’s actually pretty funny.
I saw one of the APs (the older, large, alcoholic one with a unibrow and mustache) at a womens’ entrepreneur event. I pretended I didn’t recognize her. She’s gone even further downhill since XH “left” her for the younger gold-digger one. That AP is so scared of me (after 8 years!?) that she has never shown her face. She’s a narcissist drug addict (pills) who isn’t the “young” hot GF any longer. XH cheats on her 24/7, threatens to get a restraining order against her to get her out of his house… she gave her 30s to a monster- too bad so sad, not! Kids ban her from any family events. She’s enraged and attacks them verbally, which makes them hate her even more. Meanwhile, I’m the sane mom, my career is skyrocketing, I look better than ever at 55, I live in a waterfront home with my loyal, gorgeous fiancé where our six kids hangout and play and laugh and enjoy life. If I ever run into that twat I’ll laugh in her face. What a joke of a person she is. I hope she continues to suffer for her choices.
I am almost 3 years out and I have since run into Schmoopie twice:
– The first time was only four months post-separation (two after divorce). I was at a mostly empty supermarket, looking at something on my phone, when someone almost run me over with their cart. They did not stop or say sorry, and when I turned to look, it was Schmoopie! Even though it was early days still this didn’t really bother me, other than pondering how weird and unwarranted it was, particularly because the last thing she told me was how sorry she was that FW and I broke up and to call her if I needed anything (we were all supposedly friends). This is also one of the reasons I know she can’t possibly be entirely normal, as I don’t think any healthy adult would do this.
– The second time was merely two weeks ago, at a fair. Even though it was packed, this time she found a way to very obviously avoid crossing paths directly with me.
Both times I simply carried on as I would have if she hadn’t been there. Internally, both times I laughed a bit.
At my former mother-in-law’s memorial service this man walks up to me in a crowd and shakes my hand and then introduces himself as the AP. I remember sweaty rat hands and shifty eyes. What a weasel to pick that occasion to come out of the shadows. He didn’t last too long as our young adult sons hated him.
I have encountered my X’s final (5th) AP just once, at my xFIL’s funeral. After the ceremony, I was doing the beet and greet with several people that I hadn’t seen since separation (that I deemed worthy of talking to). AP made an effort to avoid me, and left early, stranding X. I ended up giving X a ride to the reception afterwards, and AP stayed away until I had left (some allies of mine said he arrived shortly after I left, and presumably got the all clear from X).
What a fricking coward. I was just going to thank him for taking X off my hands.
The only time I’ve spoken to Schmoopie was in the early days before she was promoted to Ho-Wife. I was heading out to an appointment and she and the Douchecanoe were dropping off the kids after visitation. He had parked his car on my driveway again (despite me telling him repeatedly not to) and they had both gotten out. I told the Douche to move his car and he responded with some snide remark that I could wait. Then Schmoopie starts with, “Sunrise, if only you’d be…” I cut her off with a loud “Oh shut up slut…whore”, got in my car and started backing up. She had no choice but to jump out of the way. The Douche jumped into his car, started the engine and quickly reversed, with me mere inches from his bumper all the way into the street. We all knew I would have backed straight into his car.
I’m not sure how I’d react today. The following year, he was advised by my attorney to not set foot on my property ever again after an altercation with my mother in my back yard. That gave me a strong feeling of control. The kids are all emancipated now so we rarely cross paths.
Bravo. Love it. I would have smacked the car.
Love reading all of these and will definitely reacquaint myself with these badass responses if exH and his Whoreen (my ex best friend) are invited to my older daughters wedding next year. At this moment though, exH has incredibly damaged his relationship with both of our girls that they want nothing to do with him. They are both grown and incredibly intelligent women so I have had zero influence on their relationship with him so this is a decision they each came to in their own way and on their own individual timeline (my youngest is more outspoken so she was the first to say enough while oldest is such an empath and peacekeeper so she tried to save the relationship much longer) Anyway, oldest daughter wants a very small and intimate wedding, 30 people max. ExH is being saved one single spot for him and him alone which almost guarantees he will refuse to come if Whoreen isn’t invited. But if oldest daughter decides to allow her father to bring Whoreen it’ll be the first time I will see them in the five years since the quick divorce proceedings the universe gifted to me. They are both incredibly narcissistic and obnoxious alcoholics so while I will pretty much just ignore them they will do everything they can to be just loud enough for some attention. They will be an island unto themselves, though, since the remaining guests and I all have wonderful relationships (SILs family, my family and my daughters/my SILs longtime friends who are genuinely my bonus daughters and sons). I have dreaded the “reunion” for a while now but in celebrating the engagement last weekend I realized truly how wonderful my relationships with my daughters continue to be and how he has damaged his relationship with them. That loving and healthy relationship with my girls is what gives me the strength to know when I have to face them, I have nothing to be ashamed or worried about.
Why would your daughter invite this woman to her wedding?
She surely knows how hurt you are and she has no relationship with this person. I am sure she won‘t invite the woman who helped to destroy her family and who caused her mother so much pain. This would be incredibly illoyal and indelicate.
I recently went to a charity event and was met at the door by a friend warning me OW was there (ex-husband was home with our boys). Seeing her in person was therapeutic in a way. I had let my imagination make her into something she clearly was not. She recognized me and tried to act unbothered. A few hours later as the event was winding down, OW returned from the restroom with wet blotches in the crotch area of her pants. She must have accidentally peed on herself. I couldn’t resist snapping a photo!
I hope you put it on social media.
I remember the ex bringing his whore to my sons’ football game. My mom friends and I mad dogged her until she left about 20 minutes later, clearly flustered.
About a year later I was walking out of our local nail salon and walked right by my ex friend whom my ex had been cheating on me with right before I left him. She proceeded to tell everyone loudly in the salon that if I had still been in the salon-she would have kicked my ass (I have friends that work there and told me all about it).
I clearly remember as I walked by her that I had 2 choices:
Keep walking
Or
Give her a piece of my mind.
I’ll never regret not wasting my brain nor my breath on that pathetic person.
I worked with a woman four or so decades ago — when I was working in the trauma ICU — whose husband was a cop. She was assigned the the first admit, who turned out to be a police officer with a gunshot wound. When we got the name of the patient, it her husband’s name. We redistributed the patient load, she called her best friend to be with her, and I took her husband as my patient. He came rolling in face down accompanied by his partner and followed within minutes by a few of the top brass of the police department and Terry’s best friend, who was disheveled and sobbing. In fact, the best friend more upset than Terry, and Terry’s the one whose husband was shot. It turns out the partner came home a few hours after their shift ended and found his wife in bed with a man on top of her. He pulled out his weapon (not, evidently, his service weapon) and shot the guy in the ass. THEN he realized he’d shot his partner and tried to cover up the whole thing (and spin a different story) by getting him dressed and driving him to the hospital in the patrol car. Terry’s husband passed out in the patrol car, so lights and sirens were engaged and the partner radioed ahead to the ER. And the partner’s wife — the one who Terry’s husband had been with, doing the horizontal mamba — was Terry’s best friend. (The partner went to see HIS girlfriend after the shift — hence him coming home so late.)
I did not witness the meeting between Terry and the other woman, but I’ve heard it was epic. Stories grow with each retelling, and in the hospital the grapevine is faster than the telegraph. (Which was still a thing then.) I’ve heard that hair got pulled, clothing got torn and the police and security guards had to separate the combatants. I never saw Terry again. Apparently engaging in fisticuffs with visitors is frowned upon by nursing administration.
For some reason I can’t follow this story. Is Terry the nurse whose husband got shot? The guy that got shot was in bed with his partner’s wife but the shooter did not know he was his partner until after he shot him?
I’m so confused. Can someone do a simpler rundown for my slow brain? (I’m not getting down on myself. My brain just shifted into low gear for the weekend).
Holy crap! You can’t make this stuff up.
Great story, so many twists!
Some kind of award there for drama! Wondering what happened in the next act. 😉
I wish I could remember the variety show from way back … they had a running joke where there would be an unexpected encounter and someone would inevitably say “Fancy meeting YOU heeeere!!”
I’d figured out my gay-in-denial ex-husband had contrived to get me out of the house one time, so I unexpectedly showed up several hours before I was supposed to have returned. There he was, sunning by the poolside with his favorite rent boy. I played dumb and invited his little friend to stay for dinner, but for some reason the young man was in a hurry to leave.
My ex emailed his AP with photos of the new place he found for them, and wrote he couldn’t wait to walk around town with her, “and everyone wondering what that dude’s got to have such a hot babe on his arm.” A hot babe more than 30 years younger than him. Around town included my neighborhood, because he planned to move a few blocks away to the end of our street. It never happened, since Schmoopie was an online catfish scam. I don’t doubt that he planned to parade his prize back and forth in front of my house, past our neighbors and friends. He knew my schedule, so he’d probably walk past right when he knew I’d be leaving home.
I feel so fortunate that his first AP didn’t exist, and thanks to COVID I didn’t see the subsequent women he love-bombed. His health deteriorated, so It’s unlikely I’ll have to deal with this. Thumbs up to all of you who have handled it so well.
““and everyone wondering what that dude’s got to have such a hot babe on his arm.””
Well he’s likely got a lot less than he had when the scam started.
I know fw’s whore thought she had finally hit easy street when she got fw and his accompanying meal ticket. Never occurred to her he would gamble them into the poor house, and he left her with a debt she will have to pay on for the rest of her life.
@GoodFriend
I don’t think these fuckwits realize that other people are just as dishonest as they are. They really feel victimized when they discover they’ve been played too.
I love it.
????
You’re absolutely right, Genesis. He stayed in touch with her at least a few more months, sometimes raging and sometimes pleading for “her” to come back to him. He felt hurt that she lied, but he admitted he had no intention of following through on his promises to her: pay for her college, buy her a beauty salon, find a way for her to have kids.
Never did run into xh and his ho. She was 10+ yrs older than I, and when I moved out{ she was a close friend} I moved right across the city to the other end. XH only had supervised access, so I did not have to worry about her trying anything with my girls. Never ran into her. When I did get news, He had dumped her for a ho 16yrs younger than her. And moved 600km away. She ducked out of town shortly there after. She passed on 2021. Must admit to not feeling one way or other when I got the news. Told her daughter condolences. By the By the xh dumped her 2yrs ago and is now on to yet some other poor sank. It is amazing the massages that xh sends to me through our eldest. 23 yrs later. wish he would get a hobby other than bugging her and I.
I think the best approach for me is to deal with whatever situation comes up with my head held high.
My adult children will prob marry someday, so I see the issue looming out there, seeing the bum and his adultery partner.
He’s all panicked about the whole no contact thing already and did not see that play out in his deeply delusional narrative creation.
His view was he could triangulate me for all eternity with great delight against his ‘newer-better-younger’ play toy.
But that can only work if I pick up the rope in his tug of war game and I cut that rope first thing and walked the hell away.
He still thinks I’m just being stubborn about it and will eventually come around for what he sees as the greater good, maintaining some level of our intact family, finding peace, forgiveness and understanding if you really loved. (Blow me!)
I am done done with him and completely know that is the only decision that makes any genuine sense, my kids get it too. It drives him completely crazy he never even considered that as an outcome! He gravely underestimated my strength and that honestly does feel empowering.
This last New year’s, my son was visiting at FW’s new home with the wifestress and had his gf of less than a year with him. My son did not talk marriage( pretty new relationship overall, hasn’t been openly discussed as yet) but his father brought it up and was verbally angered in front of my son and his gf saying to them “ now we’ll have to have two weddings!!”
Meaning being, your mother is no contact with me and I can’t continue to destroy her from this distance and it frustrates the living HELL out of me!
He wants to come across as the peacemaker, the forgiver, let bygones be bygones stand up guy. But, since I’m so bitter and angry, that just isn’t working out. It’s more like, I KNOW full well the games he plays and I’m so done! ( my kids understand and respect my stance too)
This is the first time the gf met FW and she later said to my son after that anger outburst, your dad is a piece of work, he acts like he wasn’t the cheater and he’s just some victim of the outcome. ( I sure like that kid, she’s smart and no pushover, lol!)
Yeah, hard for them to keep the mask on straight when they are angry, their true character has a way of being exposed.
I will have an issue with son’s wedding someday though, I was dumped by FW’s family and disinvited to two very close family weddings the year of his departure with Schmoopie and if anything, my relationships with his family was way better than his ever was. It did hurt me greatly. I just don’t want his bitchy sisters at my son’s wedding, I was hoping never to see them again in life, but I’m not going to make it hard on my son either.
If it’s easier for him to have them come and causes less conflict overall, I will find a way to be okay with that.
I’ve done nothing wrong, I loved some idiot who screwed me over is my crime.
I will be the proud mother of the groom, I will even get up and give a speech, and let those rats scamper off to the bathroom, fearing what I may say.
As hard as they try to redo the narrative, I do believe they know on some level that their brother is a selfish, entitled scum bag for leaving his family. The truth gets to walk in the light of day.
Lies? Not so much, but they sure try to peddle their stories.
Disappointing and frustrating for him that none of his three kids have bought his narrative of just wants to be happy and such.
That’s just a little of bit of karma glitter that he will never be able to clear from his life. I’m okay with that. ????????
( I accidentally posted this yesterday, so don’t read my War and Peace twice if you can help it!) ????
I had to go by office to pick up my grandparents safe as part of agreement. Howorker offers me a rolling chair to wheel it out to my car. I say “you had no trouble with it when it was stolen by you, I’ll be fine”
She went nuts when he didn’t leave with her after her big revelation to me at the airport, broke pictures, tore tapestry off wall, stole safe from office, he’s 64 now, she’s 31 (2.5 years earlier). Yes, they are both prizes.
Our youngest daughter had a spring concert at school. I and our oldest daughter sat in the front row. Our children are used to him skipping out on their events to be with AP so he apparently told our daughter he may be late getting there because of work, but he’d go. Just as the music was starting, oldest daughter points and says “daddy is here!” I look over to see him rushing into to find a seat in the back and about 10ft behind him, head down, is AP. After the show, I chatted with my parents and parents of daughter’s friends. Never saw FW or AP. Neither did daughters. Youngest was very upset, thinking he didn’t come (again) oldest daughter informed her he was there, she saw him, and the dust settled. Don’t mistake the skulking for remorse – FW has a misguided impression that I “tell everyone what he did” and he is concerned with his image. Plus, I’m pretty sure he’s lied to AP as much as he did me and doesn’t want us getting friendly.
FW was friends with a mutual acquaintance who was producing a play for a very small community theater. I went because some friends were in it. After the play when everyone gathered to say congratulations etc I saw FW scurrying out like a rat that sees a cat. So satisfying.
(FW knew that my friends knew the truth about her.)
I just recently saw shmoops for the first time at my eldest son’s wedding in May. She is by the way the same age as said son. I had my 25 year old son and 22 year old daughter with me as well as my fiance. I just ignored her, didn’t look at her, didn’t speak to her. My son said hello, that was it. It was actually good for me to see her because any notions I had of her being more attractive, poised, intelligent or whatever were dispelled in a second. Also, my son said I know she’s 20 years younger than you but she looks like a leathery old hag. This from a guy who never says anything bad about anyone’s appearance.
Also, my eldest son was marrying another man, and shmoops is very close minded about such things, (but open to cheating on her husband with someone else’s husband) so it was hilarious watching how uncomfortable she was throughout the ceremony and reception. I had a great time, wedding was beautiful, my new son in law is awesome and I’m glad I went!
Our youngest daughter and the AP’s child were both on the same swim team. In the immediate aftermath of D-Day, I informed the AP that she was not welcomed at any swim team events. A few months later, I got to a swim meet and saw her there. She was chatting to another parent, whom I did not know. I came up and sat next to them, and said to the other mom — you should know she fucks other women’s husbands. Schmoops found a reason to leave in a hurry and never came to any other swim team events for the rest of the season. So while it definitely does not meet the level of dignified silence, it did accomplish my goal, which was to be able to watch my daughter compete without additional stress on me.
Oh, well done! *Love* it. ????
I cannot express how much I admire what you did. I’m pretty sure every mom with a child on the team knew about it in 24 hours or less. APs should be denounced publicly, every time and everywhere.
I agree with you but usually nobody cares and there are no social consequences for the cheater and his/her affair partner.
On the contrary: if you “make a scene” people react more piqued and take sides with the cheater. According to the motto “One can understand him/her that he/she left this terrible person“. You are then quickly seen as hysterical and bitter.
Interaction with the affair Partner is a slippery slope, as you want to bare schmoopie but at the same time you have to be careful not to make yourself look bad.
So maybe the best thing is to „don’t even ignore it”, as they say in Bavaria, if they find a problem or a person really annoying and want to punish them with the highest possible degree of contempt.
@Chumpasaurus45 wrote, “He gravely underestimated my strength and that honestly does feel empowering.”
A friend gave me similar words of wisdom on a wooden cube: “You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have.” I keep it at my kitchen sink so I see it several times a day.
After Cheaters death, I learned that he had cheated numerous times, so I likely bumped into his OWs way before I had any idea that they were OWs. Thus, looking back on seemingly meaningless interactions has taken on all new meaning.
After I learned of his “inappropriate friendship” with Susan of Seattle, I found an email from Dee of Boston. I wrote Dee an email telling her to stay away from my husband and her response was pearl-clutching “how you you ever accuse me of such a thing”. Dee was forward enough to fly to Cheaters retirement ceremony but had the decency to not attend his funeral. I hope they both think of him as their Great Lost Love and pine away for him for the rest of their lives.
That is much better revenge than I could ever inflict on them
After I discovered my ex-husband’s affair with Justafriend admin AP, I gave him an ultimatum: him or me. He responded he didn’t want a divorce – his exact words were “the kids are losing more than we’re gaining” – but AP was his friend and she was always going to be in his life.
I said, well I guess you’ve made your choice.
After a 10-month in-house separation during which I gradually and methodically purchased and fixed up replacements for the furniture I wanted to take with me when I left, I was able to get an apartment and move out.
Not more than a day or two after my move, I stopped by our (now his) house for something. It was early morning, and I just punched in the garage door code and walked in, as if I still lived there. (Old habit.)
There was Justafriend AP sitting at the table with wet hair, fresh out of the shower.
I neither spoke to her nor made eye contact. Just got what I came for and left. She was with my ex for a couple of years, and never did I acknowledge her in any way.
I had a much harder time mentally/emotionally dealing with the Lying Cheating Loser (whom I met four years later) and his Brigade of Broken Bitches. I gave them all derogatory nicknames – one was Betty Spaghetti, another was Parolee Pussy, yet another the Toothless Wonder – and I wasted way too much time and energy obsessing over them and what sway they could possibly hold over the LCL. Over the years, as I have done my work and begun to heal, I have gained a different perspective.
My hostile feelings toward these women hurt nobody but me. They were in fact broken to varying degrees, otherwise they wouldn’t have been susceptible to a sociopathic parasite like the LCL.
Realizing I was just as broken, just as susceptible, freed me from obsessing and comparing, and set me on my path to healing.
I’ve said it before: I don’t forgive the LCL, and I’m not grateful for the trauma I had to endure. I am, however, grateful for the lessons I learned, and the personal growth that came out of the whole miserable ordeal.
I’m not broken anymore. I still am occasionally a bitch though, and I’m okay with that.
” Brigade of Broken Bitches” – Lol! Your names for them stick in my head like a horror movie comedy.
Chumpkins, thanks for that compliment! I’m a huge word nerd with a weakness for alliteration.
Bitches get things done… like divorces ????
Ultimatum was, of course, *her or me! Sheesh!
My soon to be ex has him around all the time, it really doesn’t bother me as it was such a steep downgrade that it was almost comical, I had to triple take this guy when I first saw him. I don’t interact with him and get laughs from the boys about him.
Perfect example is when I was teaching my oldest to lift weights today, he said the dude was overweight due to a rough patch in his life (divorcing his wife, and working dead end jobs) that my ex has him in CrossFit with her to make him a better person. I just shook my head and laughed. He calls my ex the “total package.” ????????????
The guys sounds like a con or user and it’s made this process so much easier.
Maybe I’m wrong and I’ve underestimated Shmoopie’s evident pathological risk taking but I think if this creature ever randomly bumped into me she would turn tail and run the other way leaving hairpins suspended in the air like Witch Hazel from Loony Tunes (here’s the visual: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWDMW0cjKM8). That would be for the best except a little part of me wishes she’d give me an opportunity to steal a line from one of the brilliant chumps here: “Who? Oh, I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”
I know, “if it feels good”… I assume I’ll never be tempted because, as FW launched into the affair, it seemed to suddenly occur to him that I had a history of fighting back. In reality I have a history of fighting back through civil means against genuine injustice. This had seemed fine with him as long as I was defending hearth, home and my “wifely honor” or whatever. But it became not so fine if this thwarted his creepy schemes, so suddenly he started casting me as Shiva, the flaming goddess of destruction. In any event it’s obvious in retrospect that he’d begun to mythologize me– both to himself and to “Beefy the Danger Pig” (daughter’s name for Schmoops) as some terrifying specter. It suited his delusional narrative that he was a princess in a tower beset by an ogre. It suited Schmoop’s delusional narrative that she wasn’t just a crusty bar fly drunkenly humping a father of three young kids in parking lots and bilking his kids’ college funds. No! For the sake of TWU WUV, she was rescuing him from “devil woman” (her name for me).
It’s so sick and scary how cheaters and co-cheaters manage to manufacture effigies of their own victims using either the best parts of their chumps and/or by rewriting and mutating tragic events in chumps’ lives into proof the victim “deserved betrayal.” That’s the part that remains unfunny because it seems to be the model for every form of human evil even on a global scale. Nazis did it, the KKK does it, etc. In this case, what fed FWs bs narrative is that I’d prosecuted a violent workplace stalker just before I met him and was in the process of suing the same stalker in superior court while we were dating.
Also probably because FW has always concealed jealousy as a “sign of weakness,” he never described feeling intimidated that I’d had a few ex boyfriends using their connections to support me in the legal process. I don’t tend to keep exes hanging around but I was in pretty dire straits at the time and two stepped up with resources. But during the affair this fact no longer signified that my past relationships must have been relatively constructive if people were willing to go out of their ways for me without strings. Instead this fed some fabricated idea in FW’s demented brain that I witchily gathered minions to destroy hapless menfolk! You know, hapless menfolk who stalk and attempt to sexually assault coworkers.
How did Mr. Social Justice Warrior Proto-Feminist end up seeing himself on the same side as a violent convicted stalker? I think it’s because he was secretly never too far away from that spectrum to begin with, just better at hiding it. He also started the affair at the beginning of #MeToo and during the whole Epstein/Weinstein debacles and a purge of sexual abusers in his own profession. And suddenly he was no longer giving his former lip service to eQuALiTy. He didn’t want to hear about those things. Even when I wanted to talk about one of the kids’ teachers who had some questionable views on sex and gender politics, FW sneeringly accused me of being “negative,” “socially inept” and a “downer” who ruined every social occasion by obsessing about dark bullshit because I “didn’t know how to get along with others.” Tellingly, these were the words his FW mother used to condemn me after I pulled my kids from a school district following 1) staff abuse of my disabled son, and 2) a series of adult former students of the school coming forward to name not one but two alleged sexual abusers on the school’s current staff.
FW forgot to include any of the mitigating circumstances when he repeated his assessment of my social deficits to Schmoops at some point. Though she’d never met me, Schmoops then described me in the same way with the same words. So it was even incommodious for FW that I’m the type to protect kids from abuse and potential sexual danger. It was as good as a confession that his cheating made him feel aligned with sexual abusers and that, in a nutshell, that’s pretty much what cheating is.
So long story short, on D-Day FW apparently told Schmoops that they had to break it off because I would ruin him, steal his kids and completely destroy Schmoopie’s life (with the help of my international league of villains and side kicks!). Then during the waste-of-time RIC therapy period, FW tried to argue that he wasn’t really throwing me under the bus because he just wanted Schmoopie to accept that the affair was over and to fuck off and stay away while also preventing her from getting so angry at him that she’d try to ruin his career by crying harassment because (violins) he could lose his job and the kids would starve!
I guess there’s a chance that his making an ogre of me prevented Schmoops from boiling our bunnies or burning the house down with the kids in it– if she was so prone. That was my main concern after D-Day. But it’s clear that this wasn’t FW’s sole agenda if it even played any part in his thinking at all. Demonizing me came prettily easily to him and part of it was just typical DARVO and externalization of his own evil. The fabrications seemed to function in the same way for Schmoopie. By the seriousness of the false accusations you can measure how rotten FWs suspect that they are deep down.
In the case I ever do bump into Beefy, we’ll see whether she really believed the spin or not according to how fast she speeds away on her broom.
I interrupted her when she tried to speak to me with a simple, “You’re not my friend.”
She hasn’t spoken to me since.
After all their lies, confounding, and subterfuge, allowing space for only the people who showed
the traits of a true friend helped me see clearly.
FW had moved in with Schmoopie a few weeks previously (you know, the bar room drunk he had so much in common with). One night I had been to the theatre and so was all dressed up and made-up when I drove past the ho bar and saw my husband sitting near the window playing guitar. Doubtless having everyone in raptures at the first six bars of any given John Denver song (he could never play the whole song and in any case none of the other drunks spoke English). So for some mad reason, I parked the car – and I have no idea why – but I walked into the bar and ordered a tonic water. Schmoopie must have been in the bathroom but when she spotted me she ran out of there like her ass was on fire. FW, in the meantime, was still valiantly strumming those same six bars of Country Roads with a bunch of drunken French men “singing along with him”! He didn’t see me at first but his face dropped when he did! As I got up to leave I told the barman to put my drink on his tab. When he asked why, I told him I was “John Denver’s wife”!
????????. Well done you.
These AP’s want to be relevant, important and have attention paid to them. They need validation that they matter, even from us. Or they are such Aholes that they get off on the chaos and interacting with us. It brings them joy. I remember fondly my FW and his “friend”, gossiping and relishing talking trash about various people in the community, it brought them great joy! The excitement and glee in their eyes. They are not normal people. Being cruel gets them high.
If I ever bump into the AP/wifetress, I hope I remember this gem of a response posted by someone (sorry I can’t remember who) on this site last year. I plan/hope to say in a breezy, nonchalant way: “You must know what I think of you.” While she’s trying to process if what I said was an insult or compliment, I’ll walk away, head held high.
Ideally, I’ll never have to face her. So far, so good. It’ll be 3 years in October. (I guess I did meet her once during their affair when I was 100% in the dark. It was at a funeral. We were introduced, shook hands, and exchanged pleasantries.???? Looking back, I remember that FW walked away to let us chat. God only knows what was going through FW’s mind. My guess is that he was as cat in cream at that moment. The spouse and AP chatting while the spouse is clueless about the affair=a cheater’s wet dream.)
“The spouse and AP chatting while the spouse is clueless about the affair=a cheater’s wet dream.”
That must be true. I had mentioned before fw set up a meeting at our house with his direct report. He was unknown to me screwing her at the time. She even brought a “date” as a decoy. She was 35, date was 18.
I had no idea, but I do remember I was relaying an anniversarry trip fw and I had just went on where something funny happened when he rented the honeymoon suite and they didn’t hold it for us. I remember she was looking at me, and yet her eyes were not focused on me. I glanced at fw and he was sitting there his eyes glued to her. It struck me as odd, but I spackled.
In hindsight of course I should have picked up on it, but I was clueless. I do remember asking him after she left if she was very bright because she didn’t really talk much and she had a weird look in her eyes. I also wondered why she was dating a kid.
As a side note this was about six months before fw left me for her. As it turned out the 18 year old was the son of one of the women I used to work with sometimes at school. I ran into her and she told me she hated whore, and she was so sorry for how fw had treated me, but she had to admit she was relieved when she found out at least the skank wouldn’t be getting her hooks in her son.
I understood, I can imagine how scared she must have been. Her son was kind of shy and a really overweight guy and he didn’t have a lot of girlfriends and I imagine her mind was going nuts thinking of this skank who was only a few years younger than she was. as her daughter in law.
I had a similar experience at a work function. Came back from the bathroom to FW and schmoopie chatting in the foyer. FW wandered off, leaving us chatting. She was hard work. I had no clue anything was going on. But I remember later saying to FW I couldn’t understand how she could possibly be a successful salesperson, when she couldn’t easily hold a conversation. Turned out it was just me she couldn’t talk to.
Not an affair, or emotional affair. A friendship where she had aspirations. Everyone who saw her anywhere near my husband noticed, and several commented on it. She.lives.across.the.street. I see her frequently.
Ice cube cold polite. Frigid.
Never engage if at all possible.
I can’t prove it was one of his whores but somebody swerved their minivan at me while I was walking up to a Walgreen’s and then screeched past my car honking their horn at me and smashed a liquor bottle on my hood. It sure seemed personal when the van stomped it’s brakes, the driver did several double takes of me and then came at me. I don’t know who else would hate me so much. That’s the only close encounter I’ve had so far. And no, I didn’t report it. I live in a bad neighborhood. People get killed here all the time, nobody gives a shit about us.
It’s so curious to me that an AP would be angry at a chump. Seems so backwards.
Sorry that happened to you. Also, it gave me chills when I read, “…nobody gives a shit about us.” ugh.????
“It’s so curious to me that an AP would be angry at a chump. Seems so backwards.”
Possibly some of them have a residual conscience, and seeing the chump makes them feel like scrotes?
Shooting the messenger. ????????
It’s completely bizarre to me that they’re angry at me but they do seem to be. My ex was angry at me too. It’s so weird.
I don’t mean to sound dramatic. It’s just really bad here and last week we had yet another shooting and one of the victims was a two year old but it won’t make the news because the psycho is considered an oppressed victim and it doesn’t fit the narrative that only white men shoot people even though we’ve had four shootings in this neighborhood this year and none of the shooters were white. I mean, the two year old was the same skin color but I guess his life doesn’t matter for some reason. I only know about the shooting because it was a block from my home. It just makes me really angry. Decent people here are pretty much terrorized by criminals while middle class and rich white people in nice safe neighborhoods cry about the poor attackers and don’t give a rat’s ass about their victims. I think most of them would piss their pants just doing my walk to and from work for a week. But oh, they’re helping us! Golly gee, thanks so much for the “help.”
Well, I don’t know if it was him or his AP, but somebody smashed the windows out of my car one night. No other damage to any other car–just mine. And every window was smashed. I’m pretty sure it had to be them. Who else?
Again, why the anger at a chump?
I remember being so perplexed that x’s lawyer scrambled to change x’s power of attorney for fear that I would suddenly steal money. Ok. I do get that the lawyer was trying to protect her client. I’m sure that’s best practice. But, I remember at the time thinking, “Hey, I’m not the cheater and liar here. HE’S the cheater and liar. I know right from wrong. I would never steal.”
And x knew that. He just went along or, more likely, encouraged the narrative that I would be capable of bad acts.
It’s an interesting evolution of what we would say.
During their affair and immediately after, I imagined to cut off his head with chainsaw.
A while later, I realized what kind of favor he has actually done me : I got rid of that lying, cheating narcissist in my life. I imagined I would give him a thank-you card or something like that.
Nowadays, I value my peace over everything else. I would probably smile and wave and that’s about it.
Everything else is just drama – which I don’t want and the narcissist starves.
My awareness of my FW’s Schmoopie is quite recent. I have hatched plans for encounters in my head, mostly to make myself feel better. My main dream scenario is to outlive him. As soon as he is slightly cool to the touch (not mine, obvs) I will scoop some charcoal soot and random ash (possibly the result of burning his photos and possessions on a gleeful bonfire) and put them into a nice urn. Then I will fly across the Atlantic to arrive at her door. Ring the bell. When she answers I will proffer the vase to her saying: “Here, I brought FW to you to have and to hold”. And allow the vase to fall to the ground in front of her and smash. Then I turn on my heels and leave her, mouth hopefully agape.
I have been very successfully NC with Shmoopie so far, partly because she had been hiding from me for years, and I guess old habits die hard… I had been to social events with her in the past though since she was a business acquaintance, so I know her.
I recently had a very awkward interaction when I was collecting my children from FW and Shmoops’ house. She is usually not around (or hiding) so I wasn’t expecting it. She came out of her « yoga room » in workout clothes, went straight for me and said « good to see you FTS ». I was so t surprised that I paused a very long time and responded with a very unconvincing « ……….. good to see you too? ». Then switched back to getting the kids ready to get the hell out of there. She hasn’t tried to engage again since ????♀️.
I saw her once at a gas station in the early days. Ex was in the back of the car with my son and my daughter, who was in the front seat. She was driving and she was filling up the car. I didn’t spot them as I was getting out of the car, until my son started waving from the back seat of the car. God, that one really hurt at the time. It was like she’d just inherited my family overnight. I remember her vividly hiding her head, getting back in the car quickly and then she started making funny faces at my daughter to make her laugh. I’m sure my ex got some weird thrill from the experience.
The only other time I’ve encountered her was a couple of years ago as my ex couldn’t pick up my daughter, so he said she would have to collect her. She parked at the end of my road and then messaged me to say she was there. So, I said, that my daughter would scoot down to meet her. When I came out of the house, I couldn’t see anyone. The knobhead was hiding behind the old phone box at the end of the street. My daughter scooted down and didn’t see her, so carried on scooting down the road. I started to run after my daughter, but then she appeared from behind the phone box and ran after her. She had kind of crouched down as if to hide from me as she brought my daughter to the car.
I just waved at them both. I don’t think she saw. She was definitely doing her best to hide from me.
I didn’t expect that as she had bumped into my sister with my son a year earlier and was over-the-top friendly.
I have seen them in the supermarket too. They supposedly had Covid and couldn’t have the kids as a result, but it was ok to be in the supermarket.
Oh yes Schmoopie (altho there are tons of them)… one of them came into the hairdresser I was seated at with foils in my hair. I triggered at first and wanted to run, instead I went to the loo. The hairdresser came and asked me what was wrong, ofcourse I told her lol. We hatched a plan! I went back to my chair. The hairdresser asked me all the planned questions one by one. I answered quite LOUDLY about my new boyfriend, the overseas trips we’d taken together, teh diamonds he’d bought me, how wonderful he was, his marriage proposal lol… all true too!
Schmoopie left.
Yah I won… again. Thanks Chumplady! You were with me all the way. xx