How Did You Get Rid of Their Crap?
My cheating ex once gave me a tie-dyed license plate cover for Christmas after D-Day — because I’m a “hippy chick.” He proudly affixed it to my car — and then later I unscrewed it and threw it out. And then later I threw him out.
Leaving a cheater is a massive clean-up effort. (Like Superfund clean up sites, only without the federal financing.) There is the crap the cheater gave you. And then there is the other detritus of cheaters — the crap they leave behind. Their high school year books… their pilled sweaters… their children.
Somehow cheaters seem to think personal organizing is YOUR job. And aren’t you building a shrine for them? Save it! Because you could always be Plan B if you pick me dance hard enough!
I’d like to know — what did you do with their crap? Did you get a 24-foot-cubic dumpster? A storage locker? A shredder (to make “chumpfetti”)?
And of course, no sooner do you make a decision about their crap, then they’re asking for it. “Do you have my book on West Virginia coal mining?” (This was an actual query sent to my lawyer.) “The fountain pen my uncle gave me?” “My fishing rod”?
NO. But maybe if you weren’t circulating between multiple households of women, you might know where you left it.
Geez. So tell me YOUR strategies for cheater crap. Help the newbies. Help the storage locker industry.
This column ran previously.
I hand bits back to him in a bag every time I give kids clothes back. its like a slow gradual detox. anything else, I just deny all knowledge
I cannot seem to figure out how to post. This seems to be my dday. He just finally said the big D word. I told him to pack his shit and leave my key. What he leaved behind is going into the shed and when its all done what he doesnt get im throwing out. Forgive for using your post to reply. I just needed to say that. All i can do today is cry
Prayers and hugs to you. It hurts like a MF. You WILL be ok. Trust in that.
I wish I would have said “well ok then” and did NOT do the dance. Even if you have to fake it, just go with it. You deserve better and YOU ARE MIGHTY!!
It’s ok, just remember to breathe. It hurts so bad right now, but will get better the further away from him you get. You don’t realize how bad it was until you get some distance. Cry, scream, post here…..whatever you need to do! (Hugs)
ME too! I am currently sorting the wine glasses from all the tasting we did together. The pretty and/or matched ones (i.e. groups of 4+ matching glasses), I KEEP. He can have the ugly or lone glasses!
We used to go on road trips and had many wine glasses from different places. I took a few I really liked that I had chose, and left the rest. He won’t have any attachment to them. BUT the next girl and the one after that, etc. will see he’s been around winery trips. I remember when I saw a few glasses when I first started going over to his place, made me wonder but I ignored it. Of course he told me he didn’t know where they came from, and he had NEVER been to a winery before ME. Lots of “firsts” with me that was total BS.
For his stuff; I boxed up the items of some value, put the one box on his doorstep. The rest was thrown away or donated. Anything he left that I gave him, donated. If he doesn’t care then why should I? After asking him to take it multiple times, he had opportunity. He hasn’t even asked.
The holidays are the hardest, however, he made them miserable and I was so anxious about his behavior, it’s not like there are great memories. He was either cheating or thinking about cheating.
A couple people mentioned this idea, and it has done wonders for me: make a list of the nasty things he says and does. I read it daily to give me strength to leave and I pull it out when I feel sad. Been NC for 3 months. It really puts things in black and white. No matter how grand the good things are, no one deserves to be treated that badly.
Good luck to everyone getting through the holidays, we are all cheering everyone on!
Pack them loosely in a sturdy cardboard box. Tape it shut with good sturdy tape. Tape it reeeeaaaal good so it won’t come open. Find a cinder block wall and slam that baby real hard a few times.
Oops!
Midlife
Deny all knowledge. This seems familiar.
That’s a great idea! A lot of his stuff still in garage. I’m not bothered yet it’s early days for me but maybe my new favourite saying if he asks for something could be “I don’t remember….”
Knowing him he won’t even see the ‘joke’.
Hey CN. I have a pretty good “getting rid of his shizz” story but I am having a terrible day. Can’t seem to stop crying. Trying to bake and decorate for Christmas. Haven’t purchased one gift. I suck.
Hiding behind my dear friend Capricorn right now….
You don’t suck! I just realized yesterday morning while I tried to do yoga with a wandering crazy mind that… “wait a minute, Christmas is this weekend.” Oops and holy fuck. I need to get on board and wrap some shit and bake and all that for my 3.5 year old. I’m still not doing either. Maybe tomorrow.
Hang in there we all have days like this
I am not even Christmasing this year. I told everyone don’t buy me anything. I’m getting divorced and have to throw away everything I own anyway (we are poor people and could only afford our house together and neither has enough $$$ to make it on their own) and I just DGAF this year. Sorry! Don’t put pressure on yourself while you’re grieving! You don’t suck! He sucks! You didn’t deserve this! Be nice to you! He was mean enough! Sometimes good enough is just good enough and sometimes showing up is all you need to do. Just be impressed you aren’t in bed laying in a puddle of your own snot and tears! GOOD JOB!
I quit Christmasing last year and it is a relief. I’ll have a Miller Lite , please.
This does suck to go through especially at this time of year. Just push through somehow. I fake through each day. Ugh.
sara esq, Big Hugs to you. You are doing great. Way, way better than I was doing last year. Last year I didn’t bake cookies for the first time in over 20 years. I just couldn’t do it; no energy. And don’t your worry about those presents. You’ll get it done. Keep it simple. People will understand. I didn’t send out one Christmas cards last year. Our tree was a pink Charlie Brown borrowed from my daughter. I made a pre-made lasagna and store bought dessert. My kids didn’t care. As long as we were together. Take care of you! You’ll get through it. It’s going to be okay. Hang in there. And if anyone offers to help you in any way, take them up on the offer! 🙂
Ladies, I feel you. Every year killed myself making Chanukah and Christmas perfect and all he’d do is bah humbug over everything until I now have no spirit for it.
Know what? He’s all sparkly and finally buying gifts for 2 of his 3 kids (oldest is NC so is ignored) and his family. Bought me one Christmas gift in 26 years together. But, hey, it’s all ok. This year, my brother and his family will come over, my boys will be here and as long as we are together, it’s all good.
We need to treat ourselves well. Take a break from trying to do it all and appear happy. We aren’t happy and that’s ok. Just snuggle up on the couch, eat cookies, drink wine and breathe! Next Christmas, I know the joy will be back for all of us. Hang in there and love yourself!
Sara, you are doing great if you can bake cookies and prepare stuff for your first Xmas since DDay. You are mighty and a lawyer! You can win this, and make him pay. Getting through the Xmas season will be hard, but you can start new traditions with your kids, make it completely different without your cheater. Never mind presents, shopping and all that. It’s about spending time with those who truly love you, and that doesn’t include the cheater.
I miss my mum too, she died 22 years ago, I know that feeling. Your mum would want you to be happy. I bet she had life experience and went through very tough times herself and overcame!
Don’t berate yourself for crying, it happens, it will continue to happen, but it will become less frequent, won’t last so long, as time goes by. Trust that it will slowly get better. Cry when you need to, nothing wrong with it, but remember that you are strong. Even if your kids see you crying sometimes, it’s ok, you are human and hurt. It’s normal.
sara_esq
I’m not great to hide behind right now! See further down thread. I’m at the same place you are. Just crying and in limbo land. No anger. No energy. Very sentimental about Christmas. Always my favourite time of year. Mostly did it alone anyway as he was only here for 2 Christmas days in the last six years. But still hurts. And I don’t have a cool nirvana t-shirt to cry into either…..
Hey. We can do this. We are supposed to be mighty. We should do at least one mighty thing a day like Dixie suggests until Christmas Day.
Tomorrow I will book myself a hair appointment that I have put off for weeks….soon I will have to change my name to Rapunzel. ?
You???
With my luck lately, Carrot Top? 🙂 thanks Cap. I am a Cap as well….
Guys – the reality is that I miss my mom. Soooooo much. She died 20 years ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think about and miss her. She never had the privilege of meeting her amazing grandchildren.
I am hurting here, and I apologize for spilling. I went to law school to sue doctors as a result of the way she was treated while terminally ill with lupus/cancer. I was so angry – felt so helpless. It was either law school or med school, but I was pretty sure I couldn’t handle Organic Chem.
She died 20 days after diagnosis. She asked my older sister (13 years older) to take care of and watch out for me. My sister told my mother, on her deathbed, that I could watch out for myself. Which I have done, and for my 3 kiddos.
I guess what I am trying to convey is that life sucks sometimes. So much – my husband’s betrayal hurts more than anything I have ever endured.
I still miss my mom…..
Me too, sara_esq. Mine is 16 years. And I miss her every day. Most of all when my partner, whom she loved, was discovered as a cheater. She would have been amazing. My dad is gay, and before he was outted, was cheating on her. She recovered so well. She would have got it. And been such a support.
I’m so sorry about your mom Sara! I’m sending you big hugs!!
I completely understand-I lost my mom to cancer last year a few days before Christmas. Her birthday was last week. All I want to do is hear, see and hug her again.
My dad is gone too so I am feeling like a bit of an orphan. Both my parents loved Christmas so much & I am struggling to find any joy…..but I have to do it for my little one. I got a tree a week & half ago….I put lights on it sunday but still no ornaments…….maybe tonight? Idk. I have been good about the elf on the shelf though!
But I’m glad to be free of the cheater. Yes, the memories suck but it/he wasn’t real & this too shall pass. I’m happy that I don’t have to rack my brain to buy a gift for stbx that he would hate anyway and that I don’t have to waste time standing in front of a card section unable to find a card that will fake the way I would have felt about him if he had been a loyal spouse.
For me now, my mom’s death has been more painful than anything the cheating fucktard did. Thank god that I’m almost to meh these days where stbx is more of an annoyance that I have to deal with, like a gnat buzzing around.
Thank u so much for your kind words and compassion CC. ❤ My mom made Christmas so special! I am so sorry for your loss. I would come over and hang ornaments for u. Tedious task that I have done by myself for 17 years.
On another note, I never did the Elf on Shelf – always too afraid I would forget to move it. A few weeks ago my 8 year old boy came to me with a “very sad story. Guess what Mom?” Me – “what’s up?” Sweet boy “my friend’s Elf on Shelf committed suicide. He threw himself into a lit gas burner.” Me – looking away trying not to laugh bc I am sure he accidentally fell off when his mom was making dinner. That would totally happen to me. I asked son “well, was the elf depressed?” His response – “I think so. My friend is really naughty.”
I get this so much . My mom passed away last week on the seventh. I couldn’t stop crying for ttwo days of course and still trying to learn to breathe again. However, to honor a woman who loves Christmas and made it bright for everyone else I’m out there doing these things .
– gifts for the teens at the shelter.
– Gifts for the kids at the rescue mission.
– I was looking at the giving tree yesterday thinking should I do more?
Here’s why , mom was always the one to make the season bright for others she was the one shaking the boxes under the tree to see what they might hold, she made candy, she baked cookie,s she had a family holiday party she did the decorating. It all happened because of her and so we are not happy at my house but this year is going to honor her. hope you can find some solace to remember your dear mother by for the season I wish you the best, no condolences I can’t read them without weeping.
I miss my step-dad most, he was incredibly steady, fun, and adventurous, he was a bright light in my life, and although it’s been a decade that he’s left our world, I have daily thoughts of what I would tell him next about my life, a funny thing that happened, or m kiddo’s latest shenanigans. I do most times send those thoughts to the universe, and imagine how he would make fun of the absurdity of life’s twists and turns.
It is a small consolation, but your mom’s memory lives on, through you, through how you live your life. Conjure her by cooking a meal she taught you to make, by watching a movie with your kids that she liked, let memories of her become the glue that allows you to strengthen your bonds with your own children… (((sara)))
Capricorns are awesome (no offence other signs…). Chose the name after I read this quote
“You think Karma is a bitch? Wait until you piss off a Capricorn.”
Sara, honey…eat some cookie dough…Im serious.
I remember once crying until my face hurt I have no need to cray like that these days. You are gonna get through this you are mighty!!!
“You think Karma is a bitch? Wait until you piss off a Capricorn.”
I think the Limited got it on both ends. He pissed off a Capricorn and the bus ran him over and over.
Omg i love that! And here all along I thought (along with everyone else) that I am a pusstcat. Turns out I have claws. And teeth!
Thanks to all of you. Still sitting my sorry ass on the couch, but will get up in time to greet my kids when they get home from school. Red puffy eyes b damned – I have concealer!
Sara_esq: This time of year is always a trigger for anyone who is sentimental and family-oriented. But families don’t come in only one size.
Think about what is making you cry–the disconnect between expectations and reality? Then do something different–think big. Ten poinsettia plants instead of a tree! Dinner at a Mexican restaurant instead of Christmas eve dinner. Skip the gifts, tell everyone you’ve collectively bought a cow to donate to a family in need: https://www.heifer.org/gift-catalog/index.html?msource=KIK2A130465&gclid=Cj0KEQiAsrnCBRCTs7nqwrm6pcYBEiQAcQSznDu5DY84biC12t2keVztz0xKz97QdsfOLs9JqrcL_80aAtAr8P8HAQ
Is it the memories of Christmases past, with the hologram you thought was a loving husband, but was really a fucktard perusing Tinder for his next hookup? Write down all the crappy things you know he did (probably about 1/10 of what he actually did). Read every day until you get back to “Trust that he sucks.”
Is it the sheer workload of preparing for the holidays, and no one seems to appreciate your efforts? Stop working! Stores have prepared meals you can buy; if you don’t want to go too far, at least buy the side dishes.
You can do this!
Tempest, you nailed it! I think the hologram of our loving husbands and memories can almost be a form of torture. The “good memories”- keep flooding back, especially during the holidays. I don’t know why, but our chump minds seem to default to all the sweet memories, where we believed we had a committed, loving, spouse. You gave the perfect advice- it wasn’t until I took screenshots of the text messages he sent me, right after I found out about the affair. He was absolutely heartless in them and discarded me as if I was a stranger on the street. I also had a screenshot of his credit card, where he bought the OW a gift and me flowers for Valentine’s Day at the same time. He even included a note with my flowers, that said, “he was ready to fight for our marriage”. He failed to realize I could see his credit card history, that included endless date nights and gifts for the OW. These pictures on my iPhone, kept me sane!!! Every time I wanted to cry about losing him or my marriage, I would look at them. Anger can be your friend, it propels you into action and can protect you from taking him back or those really sad days. I actually added them to my favorites and looked at them constantly. It was a reminder of the truth and blocked the sad memories from taking over my emotions. Make a list of all the horrible things he has done, or take screenshots on your phone- whatever it takes, but it does help!
Not this girl- thank you for the great advice I too go back to those “wonderful memories” and get sad. I’ve been dreading winter/holidays without him already and it is only June so I took your advice and wrote down everything and looked at the screenshots I have from his phone Tinder, videos from other women, hidden pics etc. and go what the fuck is there to miss? And it strengthens me and I move on. ?
spend the children’s inheritance!
Blowing my nose in my Nirvana shirt. How pathetic is that?!?
I’m pretty sure worse things have happened to nirvana t-shirts … 🙂 Hope your day is getting better now. You can do this. You can do this. (((Hugs)))
I agree with Brightness, you are Mighty! Yeah, you are having a bad day BUT… you are fighting back. You are doing stuff. How great is that? I mean, look at you… you are a badass. You are great. You just can’t see it now. But you will… After my narc ex left, I cried a lot… gosh how much I cried… I was pretending of being strong and cold… but inside… inside I was in pieces… And I was relly hating myself… like I was beating myself up all the time.. during those days I really thought the pain would have lasted forever. But it didn’t. Tell you something: even if my ex was an abusive piece of work that was considering my career and in general all the things I love as something boring he needed to get rid of, when we broke up (and he went staying with the OW) after work I was always running home with the hope of finding him in front of my door waiting for me and, of course, telling me he was sorry (pathetic… sooooo pathetic…). Once, I just didn’t… One day I did not hurry, I did not even think of him… and when i realized it… I was so surprised. And, well, happy. Cry … You need it and it is just normal, we all have bad days… but remember that you are enough. You agre great, mighty and enough. We all are. We are all damn enough. Send you tons of hugs!
Sara_esq,
You’re not pathetic, you’re mighty! You use nirvana t-shirts as hankies! And you’re normal. Cry. It probably won’t make you feel much better (I never felt any relief after bawling), but somehow crying moves you forward. There will be other years for presents, this year focus on selfcare. Hugs
Bright,
Crying releases cortisol: literally dissolving the stress chemicals in your body!
The stress which remains in your body causes tension: mine comes in the form of neck and shoulder tightness and this develops into headaches: headaches cause frowning and develop wrinkles: ech!!!
Maybe another person will develop stomach issues: anxiety or hypertension.
Cry. We were designed too in order to heal ourselves xx
Gave them a certain date and time well in advance to come and collect what was theirs – marked the items that belonged to them and left a ”guard” I could trust to oversee what happened – then went out for 2 hours. They didn’t show. Notified them that all of it would be left on the pavement and anything not taken would be going to the municipal dump 24 hours later.
Apparently I sound like I’m joking a lot and it was a terrible shock when, weeks later I got a random ”hey, we need to discuss you giving me back my stuff” communication. Total hysterics. I am just incredibly vindictive and mean and need to stop being bitter. Because only bitter people give plenty of warning of a convenient, doable time for both parties and then follow through. It’s just such a bitter thing to do.
Caroline, when X finally left (he thought the court ordered date was a suggestion), he destroyed our basement in his wake. It took me weeks and a dumpster to clean it out.
But he still thought he could pop in when I wasn’t home to pick up things he forgot. So I served him with a No Trespassing order.
Then he had our kids fetch things he wanted for him. So I had to have the talk that their father isn’t allowed to anything in our home anymore. Once the kids figured out he was stealing, that stopped him cold.
Now he just bitches about the fact that I kept all his treasures. I found a box of his FOO photo albums in the attic just yesterday and the Christmas spirit must have grabbed me, because I didn’t toss it into the trash. Maybe the kids will want it someday.
The kicker is that if he showed me even a modicum of decency or respect, I’d probably send it to Clusterfuckdale. But why deliberately open that door to hell?
Hahahaha 🙂
OMG, LOL!! Mine did all the same shit. He’s a lawyer and threatened to sue me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Move along loser.
It’s a control issue. They don’t want to let go or lose the unhealthy connection they have. It’s quite common. Doing the right thing means they lose connection and can’t be in your life (and all that entails) any more.
BPD are famous for doing this, but it happens with nons as well.
Mine refused to take his stuff claiming he still had a right to store it in the garage as our divorce wasn’t final. So every week a clearly labeled cardboard box or garbage bag was waiting on the porch when he came to pick up the kids. My neighbor joked “you know it’s Wednesday, Sunshine has douchecanoe’s stuff on the porch.” After a month of this he borrowed his brother’s van and took away the rest.
Wow! First what is a BPD?
Mine won’t let go, and as things if his clothing is slowing getting “thin,” any time he is in the house I get unnecessary comments such as, “wow, after 30 yrs, there is sure no signs of me living here..”
WTF??? Look in the garage!!! ? The attic…
Motorcycles, man tools, attic full of 30 yrs together… dig, dig, dig… I wasn’t the one to do this buddy …
Borderline Personality Disorder.
From what I understand a lot of OW are BPD.
OW & Strippers
Surgeons who use OW and strippers. And prostitutes.
I think that, quite apart from any mental issues that so many appear to have, it also points to how the relationship has worked, where you assert a boundary or make a request and they flatly ignore anything that doesn’t suit them in that moment. They get very used to that, especially if the relationship is a longer one, and find it hard to fully grasp that they no longer are in charge of everything with the power to do things on their own whim, to suit themselves and only themselves. Others have agency, who knew? Anyone who ”crosses” them is ”vindictive”, because they are central and their needs are paramount, after all, that’s how it’s always been, so clearly anyone who enforces a boundary or just doesn’t do what they want is the problem, not them.
So often, when someone near the beginning of a relationship (work, romantic, friendship, any really) stresses compromise and meeting in the middle and the requirement to be flexible… it means that YOU must be willing to compromise, flexible, giving… not them. The flexibility is very often one-sided.
Caroline,
Wow! I never understood this. Very early on in our 22 year relationship dim talked to me about the need for compromise. At the time I remember being surprised and puzzled because I am highly communicative and always listen to other people. I doubled down on selflessly giving to him so he wouldn’t think I was difficult/incapable of compromise. And that went on for another 20 years!
Narcs really do tell you who they are, I just needed to learn to listen the right way (that they project). Now when he says something I can more readily identify the projection and lies. If he tells me he didn’t do something (especially if the comment is unsolicited/seemingly out of the blue), then invariably it means he did EXACTLY what he is saying he didn’t do.
Caroline, you just summed up my 20 year marriage. STBX gets furious when I don’t do what he wants. Looking back, initially he acted hurt when I didn’t agree or comply. At some point it became anger and verbal and emotional abuse.
Thank you for wrapping it up in a neat little package.
Brilliant point, Caroline. This is just how things went in my relationship with cheater narc and in the separation as well. All the compromise and flexibility had to come from me, because he just kept doing what he wanted, while expecting me to clean up his messes and take care of the details (you know, like children, the house …).
But it also reminds me of a former boyfriend, who made it clear quite quickly that he was TERRIBLY sensitive! Turns out that sensitivity was totally one-sided. Very sensitive to anything that could disturb, upset or hurt him. Zero sensitivity to the effects of his behavior on anybody else, including me, or to our feelings.
My last narc tried this tactic, too. Only he used the construct of the fragile male ego – like a bubble or a fine wine glass (his analogy). All things must first protect this most precious thing (his ego), while he got to wield his keen insight (cold empathy) with abandon. “Did that hurt? Too bad for you”
Another one from the same mold was my traitor. They all read from the same script…
Holy crap NMN and Caroline! Explain my life to me why don’t you? Just when I think I must be bat shit crazy to feel this way and that Dr. Skankenstein couldn’t possibly be exactly what he is, along come two clear-eyed chumps who reign me back into sanity. So nice (and totally awful at the same time) to know that I am not alone in experiencing this.
Caroline, you’re brilliant! Loving your funny and true posts!
I didn’t want to be accused of throwing his crap out. He took nothing with him (and he doesn’t give a shit about 34 years of memories including our 2 wonderful children). Plus he’s so sparkly and special he just had his AP take him on a clothes shopping spree south of the border (in my car–that’s a good story for another post). Anyhooo, I put all of his crap in garbage bags in the plow truck he left here. .about to get picked up because I made sure the newly signed separation agreement includes a list of the crap he has to remove.
When he first died, I was clueless about the cheating so I was handling his stuff very respectfully…as I went through things I got madder and madder.
My oddest moment had to have been when I was so overwhelmed by things I handed a North Face jacket to a janitor at work and told him to never give it back…never told him why.
If my ex died, I’d get his $1m life insurance payout. Not that I would wish that on my children, just saying…Silver Linings.
If my Gaslighter would do me the favor of dying before he’s 70 (67 now) is get $2 million. It would dove a lot of issues…
I’m sending you good juju. I know of 3 men in the past year who got to 69 then passed. Fingers crossed.
Cheater arranged a huge life insurance policy on himself with me as soul beneficiary back when he was planning to leave for OW…he was as mean as a snake but still tending some business to minimize his guilt once he left. At one point he was trying to negotiate how much he would have to give me to not out him as an assbastard with an ow and I told him that my loyalty was “not for sale”.
We wreckonciled (on false pretenses, since he never told me the truth) and were married when he died. My daughter and brother know how much money I have…its a secret from everyone else, especially my parents. It was actually hard to date because I had to be wary of gold diggers and I was really puzzled how that would play out in a new relationship.
How would you get that? He still kept you as beneficiary on the will? Usually it goes to kids and his parents.
I set up term life insurance policies for my husband and myself several years ago. I am the owner of the policies, I pay the premiums, and I am the beneficiary of his policy. He is the beneficiary on mine, but as soon as the divorce is final, I will switch it to my sister.
I got that too. My attorney did a valuation of the total spousal support I will be receiving over the years, and we put in a clause that he had to maintain a life insurance policy with me as the sole beneficiary in an amount equal to or greater than that amount. It guarantees that I will receive the same amount of support in a lump sum in the event of his untimely death. Plus, no future schmoopie can touch it because both our attorneys will receive a copy of the decree and the insurance policy. It’s a tremendous relief to know that he can’t pull any crap and neither can some future wife.
Your screen name…it’s just too good!!! 🙂
Uni,
At least he’s no longer breathing….sad to say but “lucky YOU!”
Yeah, a very BIG part of me read that and was envious.
Some people have all the luck.
I tell you one thing, I was wishing this was my X that would drop over dead. I would shed no tears over his death, BUT, if he dies before me now his pension payments stop! I am thinking of giving him a gym membership to him for Christmas! LOL!
New Me:
LOL – so funny!
Yes, my EX also pointed out one time that he makes tons of money now! Oh goody, I hope you continue to do so, because I plan on applying to get his Social Security benefits, as a divorced spouse. Please EX do make tons of money!!
Twatface buggered off and having scrounged at the skank’s place for a while rented himself a rather lovely three-bedroomed farmhouse. Took all kinds of stuff from our home which made no sense. I suspect some was just spite – for instance my prized cookery books, cookery and craft videos – which I later found left outside his house in a bag in the snow! But after skank dumped him he hooked up with someone I guess he knew 30-odd years ago from school. A couple of months later – and giving FIVE DAYS NOTICE TO ME AND THE KIDS – he buggered off back to the States to buy a house for his TWU WUUUV. Left the house as is, all his crap, dirty dishwasher, stuff in the washing machine ….. So, knowing that my kids would end up emptying the house but leave it to the last minute, I went up every weekend for two months and dumped what I could. My youngest moved out a year ago so took what he wanted from his dad’s stuff in my basement but I am still left with so much crap you wouldn’t believe it. Not that he will be getting any of it back but what the hell ….. I ended up with over 200 CDs – most I have given away or dumped. Willie Nelson CDs anyone?? So yet again I am sorting his crap, but I guess that’s the price God’s making me pay for putting the Atlantic ocean between him and me – a price I will happily pay at this point.
I like Willie Nelson every now and then! 🙂
Yeah, I dig Willie. But I could understand hating him if he were one of X’s favorites!
I requested a dumpster as part of the separation agreement. I got it, I brought pictures.
You should have seen the look on the judge’s face!
A dumpster. As part of the agreement. Now that’s a good idea!
Great idea !!
I packed it all up and told him to come pick it up. Whatever he left behind was burned the following weekend. It was a glorious bonfire! It was like closing a door on all the bullshit and lies that was our marriage. Yes, I cried and mourned the loss, but the next morning I felt better, I felt a part of myself I hadn’t felt for a long time.
A bonfire. Another good idea; will have to plan the position of the dumpster idea from freedom2live so I don´t burn any powerlines.
That sounds great! I want to do it, too!
Didn’t bother with the “warning”
Set all of his stuff -tied up in large black bin bags-outside the door and changed locks .
Smashed up his 80K worth of speaker/hifi system with a hammer .
I’d rather be hammer than a nail! You rock, Des.
Des! Awesome!
High 5!
Do you mean, “HiFi”? 🙂
Well-done, SCaL!
As the wife who “never took good care” of him by doing 99.99% of the housework (his one job was to vacuum the stairs which he did about once a month). The wife who did 99% of the packing and unpacking for moves to two houses, including a garage sale that I did all by myself. The wife who was the only one who cleaned the garage and basement in twenty years, which included constant purging of things we no longer used. The wife who did 99.99% of the laundry. The wife that did 75% of the yardwork.
I took great pleasure in telling him that I would not help him get the house ready for sale. I packed up my stuff that I wanted and packed up my kids stuff. I took great pleasure in throwing away and destroying lots of things that reminded me of him and our “relationship” including pictures that were taken when I thought he was exclusive with me ( he was sending love letters to a “friend” in England after I moved 650 miles to be with someone who said I was “the love of his life.”)
So I moved out with my kids and left him with a dirty house, including the oven that was constantly getting dirty from the homemade pizza I made each week for him and the kids (the toppings always dripped over the side of the stone.) I left him to deal with all the stuff. I now regret being such a great wife who kept up on the crap in the basement. I wish he would have been left with 20+ years of stuff in the basement that he’d have to donate to the Goodwill. But yeah, I was such an awful wife who took good care of him, the kids and our home. But I suck that way. NO! I was a mighty wife and mother. And I was mighty when I moved out!
I did the same Martha, I moved out and took all I cherished from our marital home… I think he didn’t really realize this was actually happening, because I was quite stealthy about all of it. Every day I would come home a bit earlier and I would move a few things. I also moved all our paperwork, passports, and important contracts. I left him to clean up as he moved to another place, and leaving him and his crap behind were the start of my recovery…
You can do it new chumps, things are replaceable, but you can never buy a new set of self-respect. My advice is to fight for liquid assets and retirement as much as possible, get as much equity as you can, and then move on with your own life and goals… Because you’ll see on a Tuesday not so long away from now, you won’t even care one bit about all the furniture and other stuff you left behind.
Im glad you left him with a dirty house.
Looking back, I wish I’d just let him have the house so I could leave him with all the crap in the garage. I’ve been going through boxes for over a year trying to sort through what was garbage and what was donate able. But, it’s the price I paid for sticking it to him. He has paid the entire mortgage for the past year. He’ll pay it until the house has enough equity to sell.
I put all his shit in trash bags on the first trip, and tossed them onto the front stairs. The second trip wasn’t done until we had a mediated agreement. I didn’t touch anything or throw anything away since that would have been violating the standing order.
We agreed on a time for him to get his crap, I put it all in the garage, and then scheduled an off duty police officer to be here to make sure it went smoothly, and I took off for an hour.
Now that his shit is gone..(and that’s really all that it was…shit that I didn’t want in my home) this place is 100% mine and I never have to have him step foot in here again! Victory!
Well done Debby! I loaded his trash bags of crap into one of his 11 cars that was left at my house and parked it on the street next to the police station 3 blocks away. He had one day to retrieve the car or face the overnight parking ban.
That’s fucking amazing Geode. I love that idea.
Nice one Geode! All 11 in a row accumulating fines would have looked even better 😉
The first crap I got rid of were some pilsner glasses that I had bought him. I found emails to the affair partner on his phone while he was mowing the lawn (he had, of course said he had stopped seeing her and we were in counseling together). When I heard the mower go off and him coming into the garage, I held up his phone, threw it at him, and then started throwing other stuff. Pilsners (nicely frosted, right out of the freezer), a pitcher he had given me (APs got jewelry and spa treatments) and full bottles of Gatorade (they were handy).
I packed his shit up from the house and put it in the garage. He later took it to the love shack he rented.
During Wreckconciliation, he moved back in. He stopped paying rent on his apartment, was evicted, and lost EVERYTHING but his clothes. A new bed, antiques from his grandparents, coin collection, fish tank, kitchen appliances, dishes, linens, his keepsakes from storage, toys of the kids that they had taken over there. He didn’t even tell me until a month after it had happened. I can’t credit Karma. Just his laziness and disorganization.
When I kicked him out for the final time, he had very little to take. Which is great because his new car is a Mini. Great for a single guy but not so good for moving stuff.
Glasses.. yes. I had keepsake drinking glasses that needed a new home. Cheater was somewhat bigoted in terms of how he viewed the LGBTQ crowd (I’m more in the “love your neighbor so what if they are gay/trans” camp).
I offered up these keepsakes on his class FB page and one of the 2 gentlemen from their class who later transitioned to female asked for them. May she enjoy them in good health.
I have beautiful hand blown wine glasses from my wedding. I just found them the other day. I don’t know what to do with them because I don’t want to pass on any bad juju. Should I trash them? Preform an exorcism and then donate them?
Donate them. Someones bad juju is another ones good fortune!
Burn some sage, perform the exorcism, and then get some champagne and OWN those glasses yourself. Fuck the X.
Doing this tonight!
^ This. Brilliant Tempest.
So nice of u!
Oh, I see you’re with me in the take it or break it camp. Narkles the Clown left behind an assortment of weird stuff that I can only assume were mementos of Twu Wuvs past that I don’t even know about.
-paper items I burned for a quick feeling of mightiness (hope he’s not looking for the title to his camper)
-pictures of him or with him went to the shredder (He didn’t take any, why would I keep any)
-plastic items went in the trash (Just easiest)
-glass items went with me to an outdoor gun range (where I shared my story and assortment of destructibles with everyone there-make new friends they say)
Long story, for now I’ll keep it short, X requested his Aerosmith, Doors and his Rolling Stone CD’s, which were the only three CD’s he ever listened to and the only music he ever listened to, (as far as I know) along with a meat thermometer.
“I’m leaving, and all I’m taking is this Doors cd. Just this Doors cd, these Rolling Stones and Aerosmith cd’s, and this meat thermometer. And this ashtray.”
(Just like ‘The Jerk!’)
Ha Ha!!!
I think we all know just where to stick that meat thermometer ..
?????
A meat thermometer!? Like Jack Lemmon’s in The Odd Couple?
????
Bizarre. Is that so he’ll know when his heart thaws out?
ROFL here, Verity!!!
After a night of dramatics (the fake suicide attempt, foot chase across town, his family getting told the truth, the OW throwing up in my toilet because she was so stressed over it all..) I packed all his shit, called OW, had her take all his stuff. The story I was told was that she put it in a storage locker and threatened to burn it all if he didn’t finally move in with her. Easiest way to get his stuff out ever.
After the divorce was finalised and all assets were divided, I heard from his nephews about how I had ‘stolen’ his video games. I had missed the spiral cd tower he kept his video games in while packing his stuff. Now, if he had actually come to get some of his stuff all those times before the divorce like he was telling the OW he was, he would have had those games the first time he stopped by. That wasn’t the ‘stuff’ he was after and he almost got slapped with a restraining order for his continued harassment.
Yes, amazing what I stole by not packing it up myself and him not being interested in his belongings.
Ah, yes–the “stolen” argument. My EX told his mother I had stolen the jewelry she had given me. In fact, I had returned the jewelry to him prior to us even finalizing a property settlement because I knew it was of sentimental value to her. Since they were gifts, I never owed it back to anyone, I just thought her daughter (whom I respected and liked) would be the most likely recipient, and I thought she should have it. Of course, my EX never passed it on.
A couple years later, my former father-in-law asked his grandchildren if they knew where the jewelry was. Yes, they did. They told him “Dad keeps it in his safe.” Former FIL asked the grandchildren to send it back via registered mail because Grandma wants it. They did.
Oddly, no one has every apologized to me, you know, the “thief.”
And I made sure to pack his bottles of Extenze right in front of OW, all while explaining how much he had pestered me to order some for him to try. He was pissed. Lol
During all of the wreckonciliation drama, his brother was hurt in a household accident (please have a professional look at your gas dryer instead of trying to fix it yourself) and couldn’t work his construction job during most of the summer. They were hurting for money. I was too as I had tossed out exhole at that point and was paying all of the household bills while he lived at his parent’s house with OW. (…yep…) But as I loved his family, I scrounged up $100 out of a few paychecks to give to them. A couple months later, his brother asked me how much money I had given them to help out. I told him and he got this look on his face like something wasn’t adding up. Turns out exhole had told them that he had given me 2 thousand dollars to give to them to help out. So I must have just given the 100 and blown the rest. I was pissed. All I could do was to deny him giving me any money and ask his brother “You know your brother. If he had 2 thousand dollars to give to you..do you really think he would give it to me to do and remain silent about it? Or would he make a great production out of how helpful he was being to his brother? Remember that this is the guy that likes to slap his friends, literally, in the face with his thousand dollar paychecks in cash.” His brother apologized for even thinking I might have kept anything.
I stole his golden coin!
Except I didn’t. I fished it out of the attic where he’d left it, and delivered it to the front step of his love nest.
WTF ever, dude. Like I give a shit about some worthless over-priced collector item. Some of these guys are paranoid AF. I guess everyone cheats, in their weenie brains.
I’m doing this today, right now…..
Lusty McSparkles is cleaning the ride on mower and accusing me in his loudest voice (as I empty the barn and pack up both of our stuff) of “stealing” his family photos, photos of his ex-girlfriends, his corvette belt, random pieces of timber that were special to him. His favourite sandals that he probably left at the OWs’ (one of 3 that I know about)…. I am playing “Fuck You” by Lily Allen at full volume and muttering “I trust that you suck, I TRUST THAT YOU SUCK!!!”
Morse-You got this! I know it seems like a nightmare, but you are a fighter! The pain will come and go, but the beautiful life you will gain by getting rid of that cheating asshole will last a lifetime. Sending you hugs, I know it’s not easy, but yes always trust that they Suck!!
Good job! Know that every bit of shit you pack up and send his way is less of his shit in your life. This is a GREAT day, the beginning of a new life away from a FREAK.
In those kinds of situations,where there’s jewelry you want to return to ex-in-laws, especially if you are fond of them, best to give it directly to them (or anything of value, really). Disordered liars are not always 100% above board and it’s really horrible to branded a thief with them giggling and refusing to disprove the accusation AND then often-elderly people distressed about things.
You are right. But I was dumber and more trusting then. I wouldn’t send him a postcard from Hell these days without getting a postal receipt.
Eilonwy,
My STBX, like you ex, often accused me of stealing from him, often after my things mysteriously disappeared. STBX has no problem repeatedly committing perjury.) Unfortunately, I have to go to court every time he falsely accuses me of wrong-doing. It appears as though he is trying to emotionally and financially burn me down–and the legal system, for the most part, lets him.
I can’t imagine threatening someone to move in with me. Talk about deserving each other. I wonder how that worked out.
Had to have the lawyer call the OW to apprise her of the court date as the exhole was avoiding all calls and mail (all while telling OW that I was the one that wouldnt hire a lawyer). She dragged him to the court house to meet with my lawyer and , i quote, “stood over him like an angry dragon while he signed the agreement.”
They married a whole month after the papers were signed. They had a kid and ended up divorcing several years later due to, surprise, him cheating on her. How do i know? My ex sister in law gave him my phone number because he (in his words) ” just wanted to talk to a good friend about everything.” I laughed myself silly. Told him he must be truly desperate and all his friends must have figured out what an ass he is to call me to cry. Hung up. Apparently hes now moved across country and remarried..again. So yeah, things didnt work out for the happy couple.
Somehow they never do quite work out for the “happy couple”.
After I threw mine out, and it became clear divorce was imminent, Hannibal Lecher convinced his then-married AP with two children to leave her husband & move into an apartment complex. He moved in 2 months later, and the story is they “met” at the apartment complex 2 weeks before the divorce was finalized.
Ha. Stupid woman–last I heard she needed to go on antidepressants after a mere 2 years with Hannibal (narc abuse will do that to you).
Yeah, I was on antidepressants less than a year after I married my Narc. I didn’t realize Narc abuse was the problem. And then back on antidepressants after a blindsiding discard by the Narc. Such special monsters they are.
Lol, these ow women are some dumb desperate whores. About 99% of the time, if the cheater moves in with or marries them, it’s cause they were thrown out and have no where to go. This one had to threaten to get him to move in. Just wow. She knows he figured out she’s not the only strange crotch in town.
After DDay I emptied his closets on the porch. And took his keys to the house. This was after he said he would be away Saturday night. He expected to live with me and have sleepovers.
I then made a list of the things he had to get rid of at the dump. He made trips to remove a pile that had accumulated on the side if the house. He also had to remove all the crap I got rid I of in the basement and garage.
I held his drum set until he paid the rent for three months. When I went away he broke into my house to steal items from the house including the drums. I had taken some with me in the event he did this. I traded them for the last rent check.
I filed an temporary order so he couldn’t come back
He wanted not one item from the home. I believe he was magically thinking his HO would move to Florida with him.
I sold things and donated the rest. I burned every picture with him in it as well as his early childhood pictures. I sold his wedding band which surprisingly he asked for. Months later.
He attempted to con my son into selling cooper he left in the yard. When I saw it in my sons car I told him he could scrap it for me as it belonged to me now.
Prior to moving out he was selling things in craigs list.
My narc asked for his wedding ring back weeks after taking it off and leaving me. I told him that I already told our daughter I was planning to melt down both rings to make her a beautiful pendant heirloom as a symbol of our enduring love for her. I assume he wanted to sell the ring for cash, but my BS story forced him to back off. I enjoyed using his “nice guy” persona to ninja him back into submission.
Fabulous move Gorilla!
Always nice seeing a chump turn the tables and lie to the cheater!
LOVE this.
Oh, Craig’s List.
Get rid of your old stuff….find a new whore all in one place.
Gosh, wonder why he wanted his wedding band….
No idea why he wanted it as he can’t remarry.
Mine asked for his wedding band too, while I was sobbing in my car after finding him at OW’s house. I later sold it and went on holiday.
Mine continued to wear his wedding band even after he asked for a divorce. Even after he told me he “didn’t love me anymore.” Even after he listed off the names of three women he “gave up” for me WHILE WE WERE MARRIED! He wore his wedding ring, because with narcs it’s all about image and how things look. I stopped wearing my rings as soon as he told me the above stuff. At the moment he said all that stuff to me, we were divorced in my heart.
Agree 100% Martha!
I sold my engagement ring a month after he moved out to be with the OW and took my son to Hawaii with the proceeds!
I Can See, That’s awesome about selling your ring and going to Hawaii!! I bet you had a great time! 🙂
I actually gave my rings back to my ex. I was so pissed at him. He actually put my rings down as “assets” on his paperwork that he needed to fill out for the lawyer. Can you believe it? Something he gave me as a gift was considered one of his assets according to him. I made sure to tell everyone about that one and that further cemented to the people the I know that he is a jerk. Who does that?!! I want nothing that reminds me of him in my new home including jewelry. Thankfully my kids look nothing like him, so I’m not reminded of his ugly face each day.
Well, hopefully he’s handsome at least! And looks change. Don’t forget that! My daughter used to take after her dad and now everyone says she looks like me. There’s always hope!
Sadly, my youngest son is a splitting image of my X. 🙁
Ha!!!! Mine asked for a cruddy old Santa hat from the Xmas box with the words ‘who’s your santa’? On the front!!! Incredible.
Well most items I sold in a garage sale. Our 4 block square community hosts an annual 100 house garage sale. It’s actually lots of fun.
So I put her personal shit out. I also put out all the unneeded shit she bought the kids over the years. Lets put it this way, I made like 2,000.00!!
Lots of the community was anticipating coming to my sale because they knew the bitch had extravagant taste. Bitch always knew the price of everything but didnt know the value of nothing.
None the less, she actually showed up – with a bag – and went shopping in *my* garage sale? I let her take whatever she wanted. She made it quick as my new girlfriend there helping me at the time. Look on her face was priceless.
I still have some of her items in my basement. For instance the bassinet for the kids. She made a point of putting it in the decree but its still here 3.5 yrs later? Either way, it is sentimental to me so I wont part with it. Unforts, if she claims it, I will most likely give it to her.
I also sold some things and made a tidy sum as well.
Burned his birth certificate and passport.
Brought cufflinks his father gave him to the deposition. It is written in the record that I gave his lawyer “a pair of ugly and fake gold cufflinks”.
Am still kicking myself that I sent him his 5 years of love letters to me. Stupidly thought it would break his heart to read them!
Rebecca, I sent my ex the order of service from his best friend’s funeral. The friend whose wife he was banging. He didn’t bat an eyelid.
Burned his birth certificate and passport. Love this – poof your gone ? Hahahaha
That’s hysterical! If it were only that easy to make them gone….
I packed 23 boxes of his shit and itemised them for his lawyer. What was not on the list was every reminder of me. He cared so little he can throw the shit out. Our wedding photos, all the cards expressing how he loved me and how great a wife and mother I was. I realise now the narc will never get the irony, these praises now belong to the new victim, until she hits d’day and kicks him to the curb.
Exasshole took all the stuff he wanted. There are a few tools left that he will probably take now that he bought a house. He didn’t leave behind too much clutter. There might still be a few things. He recently took some furniture to put in his new house, but I told him he could have it. I was going to get rid of it anyway. Any stuff that was left behind by him that I knew he didn’t want was just thrown away. I was the most unwanted thing in the house, in his life.
What I would really like to get rid of is every horrible memory, thought, and feeling connected to him.
Throwing things away, even though it wasn’t that much, felt like the start of a cleansing.
It might sound pretty good that I didn’t have a lot of clutter to get rid of, and in a way it is good, but I fully realize that his “clutter” was his many dating and porn sites. My God, the hours he poured into that. Anyway, getting rid of that “clutter” was taken care of by divorcing him. Kicking him out was the way to be rid of that.
Supreme, you may be having the same problem I had; he was gone, but I stayed in the house w/the kids. So his ‘ghost’ was everywhere!!! I couldn’t afford to replace furniture (have managed some as time goes on), but I should have at least painted and moved things around. So it would have been weird to have the living room set up in the dining room and vice-versa; it would have made exorcising his memory easier, I think.
KarenE, yes, his “ghost” is here. That’s what it is. It’s like being haunted.
First thing I did when my cheater moved in with his new, thrice-married OW was remove all his stuff from every closet. I then put all my clothes in every closet separated by item. I own every closet in this house now 🙂 He told me to “stop rearranging” things about a week later.
Right, stop me from cleaning my house.
I have 2 walk in closets now!
I love it!
My ex requested in the divorce papers the itunes librairy. I downloaded it for him only after deleting all his crappy music. Anything else he left here, I sold at yard sales and on Ebay. Gave the money to the kids.
Hahahahaha! “I downloaded it for him only after deleting all his crappy music.”
When I first threw him out, I put all his shit into black bags and left them in the greenhouse for him to collect (would save him having to spend hours inside doing it himself). A month after that, I had to give up the lease of my home and move back into my dad’s for a while until I financially got back on my feet (was on maternity leave from work at the time).
I had organised rented storage for my stuff but could only afford a certain sized container, and the very day I was moving out of the house, cramming the rest of my stuff into my dad’s house and garage, my ex kept sending my text messages asking for random junk. The one that sticks in my mind the most is a charger for an electric toothbrush. WTF? He had a month to ask about his charger, if he REALLY needed to ask for it.
When I told him I didn’t know where his charger was because everything was packed between two places, he went into a big text spiel about ‘not to worry’ (oh yeah, I’m in pieces about the charger), he was selling his toothbrush on ebay (WTF?????), but he’ll just put on the listing that it comes without a charger.
Jesus wept.
It was one of the most logistically stressful days of my life! Emptying my home while moving on the same day, with a 6 month old baby in my arms, organised around the school day of my 5 year old, a week before Christmas. Yet…. texts and texts and texts from my ex about the whereabouts of a toothbrush charger, spiderman socks, and a fuck knows what else. What an arsehole.
What a loser!
Sorry, but I had to laugh at that!!! His toothbrush charger! And who the hell sells a toothbrush (even if only “lightly” used)!
Mine wrote a “MIA list” including a grapefruit spoon. I packed/threw/sold dumpster fulls of trash (He was a hoarder – for 30 years.)
I was to look for a grapefruit spoon?
We negotiated in the PSA what each of us got from each house…main and vacation, where he moved after I threw him out. A helper and I carefully packed his stuff, including 40 boxes of books and ,as agreed, had them delivered to him.
My stuff? Not so much. It was not ready as agreed and it took a year and untold fees to get a date where I had to send yet another truck to get it!!
Meanwhile, we get a letter from his lawyer (we only communicate through lawyers), with a huge list of MY STUFF he demands in exchange for fulfilling his part of the PSA. Because of “change in circumstances”, that being he married directly after the divorce was final, a poor widow old enough to be my mother!!
My lawyer laughed and told them “that ship has sailed” and threatened a hearing if he did not give the PSA agreed things.
He did after a fashion. The important things were there. And a boatload of stuff I had never seen in my life…new wifey’s goodwill pile?
Nothing is ever easy with these jackasses…
Mine left woodworking tools–table saw, router, all kings of gizmos. Plus stacks of wood. I just sold it to pay off part of my attorney fees. Never asked about that stuff. But wanted other stuff like a new sofa I had paid for and a few things from his grandmother. Put up a big stink about it in court. So…. judge said he had to get those things at a certain time. He showed up at that time. Joker didn’t come with a truck or UHaul, just his car. I was under no further obligation, he left empty handed. He thought I was supposed to have a truck ready for him?! After he walked away?!
My kids did want great-grandmas stuff, so as they moved out, they took it.
These guys are so insane!
“I was told there would be cake.” -Milton from Office Space
Well I gotta admit, he is looney tunes. Probably still believes in the tooth fairy. Kids tell me he still cruises for women half his age. He’s no longer with the OW who broke up our marriage, but he does want a mommy to take care of it all for him! (That was one of his biggest beefs about me–I worked, had kids, and literally had a life while we were married. He whined when I had him set up his own dental/doctor appointments or asked that he make time on his schedule to do some dad stuff like haul the kids to the dentist when I was busy. I guess he was ever-oh-so-busy with his bimbos.) I don’t care how he functions. I function perfectly, well as best I can–quite well, without his crap.
I would have said, no truck, I see! Thank God you have a strong back!
???
Omg that made me laugh. He thought you would have a truck ready for him.
Seriously how does he function in the real world without you…..?
🙂 this is a funny one… I burned pictures and letters, trow away everything I could find (no warning…I do not care about his ‘feelings’ honestly). And… well.. I used his favorite t-shirt to clean the toilet, before throwing it away… Have to admit I felt good… happy Monday everybody!
I kicked mine out on d-day. Two days later, I scrubbed the grout in my bathrooms with his toothbrush.
It was the best day of my ‘married’ life.
I completly agree with you… I was not married, but I honestly can say that it was damn satisfying! Two months ago I was cleaning my pc when i found a folder with the pics that me and ex took together during our last vacation… he was wearing that same t-shirt… I started to laugh histerically thinking about my toilet… 😀
Our property agreement included a date by which he had to remove all of his stuff from what had been our house. At my lawyer’s suggestion, he was not to receive the final 10% of what I owed him for the house until he removed his junk.
Two days before the date he had to be out, he asked for an additional two days. I agreed. The kids and I remained with family members for another two days. (He had asked to have sole ownership of the house for six weeks while he moved into his new place. Thank goodness for my generous family members who let us live with them.)
On the new date, I arrived to find that maybe 1/2 of his stuff had been removed. He’d had movers take his share of the furniture, but none of his personal possessions had been removed. And he had lots and lots of stuff. He again asked for more time.
Note as well that some rooms were trashed. He’d dumped the contents of every drawer and shelf in the rooms of our children to take the furniture to his house.
I wrote out in longhand on paper a statement that said something like, “I agree that if I do not remove the remainder of my belongings by noon on August X, then my former spouse can hire a moving company to deliver them to me and deduct the expense from the monies owed me. I agree to let my former spouse move my belongings into the garage, and if I arrive before noon on August X, I will retrieve them from there without entering the house.”
He said he was too ill to sign a document. (But not too ill to drive a car, apparently.) I said, then I was enforcing the agreement right now, and all his property was mine. He called our 10 year old child over, and told the child, “Dad doesn’t feel well, can you write my name for me.” I said, you are trying to make this document illegal, and if you manipulate our child to sign it, I’ll enforce our current agreement, which is legal, right now.
He signed with an X.
I said, sign it with your legal signature, or that’s it, we are done with this charade.
He signed. He took a few boxes of stuff, and he left. I packed all the crap out of the house into the garage with the help of a family member. Every single thing.
He never came for his stuff. At noon on the appointed day, I called a small local moving company. They took it away and delivered it the same day. I deducted the cost from the money I owed him
He complained a great deal. (Nothing new there.)
I am grateful that my lawyer foresaw the need to for me to have a legal and financially reasonable way to get his junk out of the house.
Ha ha, he signed with an X! Oh these stories just keep getting better!
Ex is a sociopath and abandonment cheater. Just walked out with a bag of clothes. His stuff was packed in boxes once our farm had to be sold. Guess who had to do all the packing?
My ex was an abandonment cheater as well. He loaded up his truck and drove 3000 miles to be with his twu wuv. I’m pretty proud of the way I handled it. Although I was literally falling apart emotionally, I got a pit bull for an attorney the morning after he left and had papers filed and had him served as he arrived. He had left nearly everything….even his dirty underwear in a laundry bag in his side of the closet. I changed the locks on the door immediately. I told my attorney that I had done so and he (my attorney ) told me that legally he (the scum) could still enter the house…my response? Let him try.
I.burned. everything. All of his childhood photos, all of the clothes he left. Anything that couldn’t be burned was sold or donated. If he ever has the balls to ask for any of it back, I’m going out to the burn pit and get a shovel full of ash, put it in a box and lay a photo of a fire on top it and send it to him. Oh, except for all the vile photos of his gf that I found on his computer after he left. Those I’m going to package up separately and send in 8 x 10 glossies to each one of his family members packed as gifts.
I changed the locks, too. He tried to come back for stuff and couldn’t get it. He was so mad. Tough shit. I like the burning of the clothes. Kinda wish I’d done that.
He had given his ipad to our daughter to use. I was using it too. I saw the picture of the big diamond ring on OW hand and like a dummy I asked my daughter about it. Then she said something to her dad. Oh brother. So then he posted pictures of the ring up close along with pictures of the OW naked. That’ll teach me! Lol. He’s such a moron – not thinking his daughter might see that stuff? Then he took the pictures down. They are some sick people. I thought that little 22 y.o. is not too bright – You know he was showing all his buddies the pictures.
Wow!
I like you!
I like your style!
Mighty Burner! And I like that added touch on the end with the glossies to his family. 😉
Ditto…. STBX Blamed his affair on the financial stress of our mortgage. Even though I was making more money than I had made in 10 years and we had no financial troubles. I was still playing to pick me dance, the 180, he was in a fog yada yada yada and I had not yet found CL. At his insistence, and on his promise that he would stop contacting AP if I did so, I repaired, painted, D cluttered, listed, had over 100 showings, and sold our dream house that we had built ( where of course I did 99% of the general contracting because he was “too busy”). On the moving day, he had yet to pack a single box, he was still living in the extended stay hotel, still lying because actually he was paying 5000 a month for a glass apartment downtown for AP . He didn’t show up to the move. My young girls and I had to move a 5000 square-foot house with a huge garage of his junk all in disarray, a huge storage room also with his junk going back to his childhood, as well as everything that a family of six and a 25 year marriage accumulates . when confronted in marriage counseling about his failure to show up, he said to her the MC “I just couldn’t be bothered because I’d already moved on from that house.” What breaks my heart is the memory of my 10-year-old and 15-year-old who had to help me pack up all of the tools and the heavy items from the garage and the storage room and drive them back and forth in my small car to the new tiny house we moved into. The last things I packed were his drawers in our closet. he had all of the mementos the kids had made in preschool for him, the cards I gave him on special occasions, and the only way I got through it was by playing Beyoncé’s song “me myself and I”on repeat. I hired to off-duty fireman to help me move the heavy furniture and The bigger boxes. I put all of his stuff in the new garage off to the side. he slept at the new house for less than two weeks before disappearing. He refused to say where he was and we didn’t see him for a months. I figured he must’ve bought everything new and he walked away from 25 years of our rich life and our four children without a backward glance. His shit was the least of my problems.
three months later when I hired a PI and found out that he had been living with AP in the expensive apartment downtown, I called our local charity and had them come pick up all of his stuff. Anything they didn’t take, I hired a junk man and they came and got the rest.
When I filed for divorce seven months later and they asked me where his stuff was I told him it was already long gone in the move. He alleged I “threw his stuff away” ….boo hoo, sad sausage! I’m not a fucking storage unit, douche bag! Too bad so sad. ???
MotherChumper99 – My STBX left with clothes on his back and got $2,600 a month house with 22 y.o. co-worker. I put his clothes in garbage bags for him to get later. I found a memory stick on the table in the garage with all these pictures of our daughter. He just left it there. I thought, wow he doesn’t want all these pictures of her? He claims how he has to see her now on his days – I am keeping her from him during the week when she has homework because he won’t do it with her and she gets F in homework the next day for not bringing it in. One day I gave him a list of homework she needed to do that night he had her – since I’m the one communicating with her teachers. He picked her up and then they went out for the evening to eat and play.
But when he was gone all weekend long for four months with his coworker he couldn’t be bothered with his daughter.
He bought all new furniture, identical $1,000 Weber bbq we purchased a year before and smoker, diamond ring for gf, off road toy…. And then I’m left with our meager furnishings that will probably be sold. I did notice it seemed he came back to look for porn tape in the garage that I found and beat the crap out of with a hammer.
I also had left his boyhood stuff his mom gave him with his clothes. He didn’t take it. But he got his toolbox and other items.
No, they can’t be bothered with too much because they’ve moved on.
Although his good friend did say that he had planned to come back to me when he was done with gf. Uhhh. No. That’s no happening. The meanness. The coldness. The accusations of things he hurled at me when he was the one doing those things…. They are pure evil.
DoingMe – that was smart to get the tools you need. I wish I would have gotten a couple more things before he took his tools, but I can get by.
You guys are awesome.
My ex, too, left with just his clothes. Didn’t take even a single photo of the kids’ childhoods, any of the mementos they’d made for him ….. I think initially he didn’t bother with that stuff, because he figured he’d enjoy the affair and then I’d let him come back when he decided that’s what he wanted. But even after he figured out that that wasn’t happening, he didn’t ask for anything. I think last year (3 years later!) he might have taken a few of his childhood photos, that were in the boxes he had to open to look for work documents he needed. The boxes of books, papers, clothes, everything he had left behind, completely ignoring my requests to come get things. The boxes the kids and I had to pack up and carry down to the basement, because he was too lazy to take care of his own shit. It’s still there, he’s moved 3 times since, now in another city. I guess when we sell the house, I’ll tell him to come get the boxes, and if he doesn’t, they’ll go on the curb.
Heartless, and lazy.
Mine took all his tools first, and a couple suitcases of clothes. And weird shit. Like he remembered to take his high school band cornet but left the $250 worth of diabetes test strips I’d just had to buy for him? He also wanted no momentoes of the kids – left all the little gifts and cards they’d made for him over the years, took no photos of them although I had the house covered in family and kid photos. That hurt; it sure didn’t prove his “I didn’t leave the family, I left your mother” statements to our kids.
I wound up emptying the rest of his stuff left in the house into big black trash bags and threw, err, gently placed them into the garage which he was supposed to come empty from his 40+ years of automotive hoarding. He didn’t finish cleaning out the garage by moving day, actually got angry with me that he couldn’t come get stuff during the last day in the house as I was struggling to get things done. What was left was his junk; ancient electronics, many containers of waste motor oil, tons of heavy garbage that I had to pay a junk guy a premium to empty as it was hazardous waste. And I too wound up accused of stealing some of his precious tools, although he’d had nearly 6 months time to get tjings done and didn’t.
I still don’t get it, but have chalked it up to a glimpse into his disordered head.
That reminded me that I went through his tool box and took one of everything I needed.
And I cleaned out the cupboards and gave him mismatched plates, old sheets, and worn towels.
I kinda think I must be in a very small minority here. Mine took everything. Absolutely everything he had ever owned. Bank statements from 10 years back, the holiday souvenirs he hated, his football shaped cereal bowl. The lot.
6 years on and I still wonder at the amount of planning that took, especially as he moved it all into his new and already furnished home in just half a day.
Months later when I put stuff in his empty closet, I found all the thoughtful little gifts the kids had given him over the years some of them not even opened.
Verity,
My STBX used to accuse me of being unsentimental because I did not try to ban onto every scrap of paper that our kids had every put the tip of a pen on. Yet, he left all the kids artwork when he abruptly moved out without provocation.
Correction: meant to say ‘hang onto,’ not ‘ban onto.’
They are such jerks. I can only conclude since the kids probably wouldn’t have spent much money on him, he couldn’t be bothered to open the gifts.
Mine raged through the house and shredded everything he had ever received from me or “your family” as gifts. Later, I found one of my children looking out a window and crying as the child could identify pieces of the Christmas gift the child had picked out a few months earlier for dad. “Dad” had no idea which gifts the kids had given him, because that would have involved caring.
🙁 for you child crying. How mean and heartless. Do you ever think, “I cannot believe I had children with you?”
X and I shared our house for 8 months after I filed. He moved out (with his Mommy and Daddy as his moving crew) and shortly thereafter we put the house on the market. When we sold, I had to tell him to come back and help me clear out all the crap he’d left behind (garage and shed were his domain and full of stuff). He took a look at my mountain of stuff I’d put together for donation, including the wedding china, and started picking through it, asking “Are you sure you want to get rid of all of this?’
Yup, I was sure. That life was over, and I felt great unloading all the props from a life that I didn’t realize was fake until D-day.
Last thing of his I got rid of was a bottle opener from his Big Ten alma mater-put it in our white elephant gift exchange at work!
I left her. So, she got to say in our marital home, surrounded by our belongings.
That was a mixed blessing.
On one hand, I wasn’t subjected to constant reminders of the life we had together. “This Dutch oven reminds me of how Ex Skank used to forget to use a pot holder with the lid and burn her fingers…boo hoo hoo!”
On the other hand, I’ve been slowly re-accruing belongings over the past 3 years, from a laundry rack to a bed to dishes, some with the money I got in the divorce and others with my own $$. That’s has been VERY frustrating to think of her living comfortably with our belongings, especially all the items from our registry that we’re purchased for US, not for her and her OM.
But, such is life. She can continue to burn her skanky little hands on that Dutch oven lid again and again. Boo fucking hoo.
With rare exception, my ex was completely uninterested in household things like furniture or dishes. Then he resented being surrounded by what he considered “my” things. He said it made him feel like it was my house, not ours. Turns out the only thing that made it feel like “his” house was hanging beer-related paraphernalia on the walls (including used bar towels he stole in college, I kid you not), and putting his fly-tying station in the middle of the living room. I relented on the fly-tying station because it encouraged him to spend more time with me instead of shut off from the world in the spare room, but then I got to pick fish hooks out of the carpet (and once from my foot) from that day forward. He seethed when we didn’t have room for diapers in his tiny one-bedroom apartment that I moved into, and I suggested that he move his 4 giant Rubbermaid tubs of beer-related shit out to the shed. (He refused, by the way. He just moved them into the closet, so I had to leave my clothes on the floor. What a fucking prince.)
That is all to say that he is currently surrounded by all of her (your) things, and he quietly resents it. Last year I gave him all of his Christmas ornaments after unpacking them for the first time since D-day, including some pretty tacky sports-themed ornaments. I saw a picture of their Christmas tree and I noted that not a single one of his ornaments appeared. So take comfort in knowing that he is perfectly miserable surrounded by what used to be yours. He will eventually use it against her.
A tree?!?
Well, he at least broke her of the use of a “decorative Yule branch hanging from the ceiling” of her nation of half origin, instead of a tree. She was SO pretentious about that aspect of her heritage.
It’s now a running joke in my family to despise all things from that country.
Perhaps it was someone else’s tree? I didn’t consider that. It would be even more hilarious to see baseball ornaments hanging from a suspended Yule branch! Mercy.
Well, maybe a tree surrounded by beer-themed decorations is a “compromise” in that house.
Interestingly, this reminds me of a very specific moment when she gave me back Xmas ornaments that my grandmother had given to me as a child. Mom gave those to my now-ex when we got married, and so she felt obligated to give them back to me during our divorce. Those were a very sad few minutes between us when she did that–just a recognition, however briefly, of what she had destroyed.
Ah, divorce! The gift that keeps on giving shitty memories!
Boo fucking hoo. The only sadness either of them feel in those kind of moments is what THEY lost and how it hurts THEM. (At least with my ex, there hasn’t been an ounce of regret over what he destroyed, only what he lost.) Any real remorse your ex felt would have also been communicated to your mother, who gave her the ornaments. Instead she just felt self-pity and didn’t bother to try to make it better for anyone else.
I few months ago I came across a stack of pictures and cards and notes from my ex. I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away because they represented such a happy time for me, but neither was I willing to keep them. So I gave them back in a sealed envelope when he was here to visit our son. But much like your ex, he didn’t do anything about it but probably wallow in self-pity for a few moments and wonder why I turned out to be such a meanie.
I agree that she was only concerned with what she lost, and not me.
At the time, I was still chump enough to be sad for what we both lost, and I had to stay strong through my/her tears and stuff the ornaments in my pocket with a stolid “thank you.”
Had I known that she had continued her cruel choices (this was in March 2014), then I would have been much less sad…for both of us.
I had the foresight last year to pull out his childhood ornaments when I took down the tree. (I had asked him to leave in July, he didn’t go until March.) I also pulled out the couples and family ornaments we had and included those.
I was very happy I had done that when the kids and I decorated the tree this year. It would have made me very sad to see them.
He left with the clothes on his back and never asked for a single thing from the house. Didn’t want any memorabilia from his disceased parents, no photos of our son. Left all his crap for me to take care of. No surprise there seeing I took care of 99% of everything any way. I suppose I could have made some money by selling his shit. But it all went into black garbage bags and then the local landfill. All his stuff can rot.
After over 30 years together, it was amazing to see how little X had participated in our lives. He basically had nothing to take. He did take his clothes (all of which had been purchased by me), some old family junk, including the “priceless” Avon bottles, which he had “inherited’ from his mom; he was certain they were worth big bucks. They weren’t. I packed up lots of books and his files, but there was very little stuff. I realized then that he had never really been a part of this household. Everything from the furniture to the kitchen gear had been purchased by me. He was just too important to do things like shop for the household. In fact, in all the time we were married I can remember shopping with him twice at a department store, and those times were torture for me. So his leaving changed my physical environment not at all. It was as if he was a ghost in his own life. Sad, just sad.
When I packed up Gaslighter’s stuff I stared at my big hallway bookshelf with boxes ready to fill with his books – but wait…the only books he owned were his high school and college yearbooks! After 38 years together his stuff fit into five boxes. Five! He had no interests, no collections, no musical instruments, no hobbies. I was stunned. There was NO ONE HOME! That’s when I realized he truly was a disordered Cluster B Sociopath. He did read all of the tools, it seems that every time I needed tool it’s gone. I’m trying to run a 30 acre ranch property where my Part time ranch hand has had to go home to pick up his own tools when we don’t have something needed. it’s ridiculous. Of course in the barn were stored boxes and boxes of lawsuit files that he finally had to pick up because of an ongoing lawsuit for fraud. What an asshole! You can’t make this shit up!
I had that same experience, there was really no “him” in the house. I painted and decorated all the rooms, he didn’t even hang a picture. All the dishes, decorations, kitchen stuff, bedding, furniture – all chosen and placed by me because he was never interested in participating. Weird.
Violet.
Yes. I have one of these I think. Worked abroad a lot but yes just not much stuff. Not part of the household really.
I was wondering in my post further on why I don’t feel like I want to get rid of everything he has left in the garage. Painfully I have realised that part of me still loves him or loves the him that I used to think was there.
I guess if I do get rid of it it will mean it is over over which it will be soon as the divorce is finalised.
I don’t know but I think I’m going to be a person that sorts through stuff but by bit but maybe I should think about ripping the band aid off all at once.
Not today though. I’m having trouble locating my anger lately which is difficult as it is very energising.
Holidays are hard Capricorn, and this is your first Xmas post DDay, right?
You’ve got to allow yourself some sadness. The anger will return, believe me…
Do you have a friend who can help you sort stuff? Someone who hates your STBX would be ideal.
Sending love. ❤️
LouisvilleFlower
Thank you. ?
A ghost in his own life. Yes!!! Mine had nothing really that pertained to the household. He was only interested in buying things for himself and his hobbies. Always told him he was the most selfish person I ever met.
When I won the protective order he needed his PC, clothes, etc. His mother and her husband came to get them and thought I’d have it all packed up, nope. They had to help me cram stuff in a suitcase and a box. Off they went. Then I did pack everything that was his in boxes and stuck them in the basement. Once finished emailed him to have someone come get the crap, no one came until the basement flooded… I emailed again, most of your shit is soaking wet, if no one shows up within 48 hours it goes in the trash. I wasn’t about to have it molding in my house. His mother and her husband came and took it all away in trash bags. I was kind enough to provide the heavy duty bags. At settlement he expected to come here and look around for what he wanted, nope I have a PO asshole. He sent movers for his couch, a lamp and a box of misc stuff he asked for. When months later I finally wanted to watch a movie, I found that he had removed every single DVD from the cases, later found the same thing with the music CDs. The bastard had taken all of them, even the music he didn’t like.
That’s why I refused to allow him in the house, not even to care for our older children in there own home while I was in the hospital with the youngest. As I could not trust what state the house would be in when I came home or if I would be able to get him out again.
I packed what I wanted of mine and the kids, and left. He has the house. I can’t afford it, and also, much as I loved it, that’s where I saw him and her acting suggestively in my kitchen — and I’ll never unsee it. He can have the house. It is dead to me. The only things I have that remind me of him are things I’m keeping for my bonfire on divorce day. And my wedding rings. I’m waiting until divorce to go turn that in for cash.
He was so mad when he came to get his stuff and I had changed the locks. I put his clothes in bags and left them in the garage. The garage is such a dirty mess. I go in and clean a little at a time. I threw away all of his boat racing trophies and RC car trophies as they were reminders of his expensive sports I supported him in.
For months before stbx left he said he was out all night taking pictures with his new camera. He didn’t take pictures during the day – the sun hurt his eyes, he said. (Oh brother) I told him I didn’t like him being out all night. He cried and whined about how he works so hard and how mean I was to want to take away his hobby – the only thing he had to help him relax, he was so stressed out!! How could I ?! I never supported him in his hobbies!!!
Well, as I suspected, his ‘hobby’ was actually his barely legal coworker he was with every weekend.
Boat racing is a very expensive ‘hobby.’ I supported him for years while he did that. RC car racing is expensive, too. He didn’t have just one car. And the RC boat. .. The drones……
All the things that had to do with his hobbies got thrown in the trash. And then for some reason he brought back two of his RC cars all beat up and put them back in the garage saying I could have them. Why would I want those? What’s that about? My lawyer says he does a lot of nonsensical things.
Yes. Yes, he does. Months ago he said he’d come clean out the garage, and of course that never happened.
OMG FindingPeace! That story about ‘taking pictures all night, because the sun hurts my eyes’. LOLOLOLOL! The insane excuses they expect us to believe! They are so brilliant, in their own minds, in real life? Not so much.
My X was visiting kookoo neighbor daily, then every evening, and oh, they were just really good friends, who had SO MUCH to talk about! I hadn’t even found CL yet, and I knew he was killing me inside, so the first time he came home at 6:30 AM, I was on my laptop, filling out divorce papers! He was like- But I just fell asleep on her couch!
They truly are nuts, glad to not live with that anymore!
Free Woman – Yeah, their excuses are so ridiculous. It would infuriate me to have my intelligence insulted on top of everything else.
CoCoVoe – My husband also said that taking pictures at night was better – less distractions and people.
Maybe out husband’s were out together. While yours was ‘working out,’ mine was ‘taking pictures’ of him. Lol
Well, you know how band practice goes until 4am 3 nights a week…even when the rest of the band has been home since 11pm…
My ex claimed he was always at the beach working out. Who works out at 2 a.m at the beach?? He said the beach was too crowded during the day and at night he could work out without the distractions.
Yeah, I need a laugh this morning, thanks ?
Mine wanted to take a birthday present I had bought myself, and became angry when I said he couldn’t have it. 10 minutes later he tried to dump his tax records dating back over 10 yrs back on the shelf. When I stated he wasn’t leaving those behind they were his he snapped ” well you want everything else”