Happy Birthday Chump Lady
Hi Chump Nation! Yesterday was my 50th birthday, although I’m here in Quebec, so if it happens across borders, I’m not sure it counts. Every year on my birthday, I rerun my birthday column. Okay, so it was yesterday. Forgive the three-day weekend. I’m busy filling out my AARP membership forms.
I gotta say 50 is MUCH better than the 40th birthday (as you’ll read below, I was shoveling shit on my 40th). That smiling person in the picture there is me. Thanks for the day off and I’ll get my aged, saggy butt back in gear tomorrow. — Tracy
Well, I try not to blog about myself too much, because God, how narcissistic and dull. (Mommy blogging anyone? Does anyone want to know about my son’s travails with geometry?) But I’m going to make an exception today, because today is my birthday. (Cue Leslie Gore… “It’s my birthday! And I’ll blog if I want to! Blog if I want to!”…)
I’m 46, if you’re curious. Fairly ancient.
What does my descent into middle-aged decrepitude have to do with infidelity? Well, my 46th birthday is a nice reminder of my fortieth birthday, which sucked epically. And I thought I’d tell you about it as a little example of how different life can be post-cheater.
When I turned 40, I had just moved to a new state with my then husband for his job. I’d been married four months. We bought a 100-year old fixer upper house (with my money) and it had been badly neglected. A widow had owned it and hadn’t done yard work since her husband had died years ago. But hey, you know what they say about codependents, right? Codependency is the addiction to the POTENTIAL of things. I was still a flaming codependent. I loved the potential of this ancient pile of house and I was resurrecting the garden single handedly.
It was the day of my fortieth birthday and I ordered myself a truck load of cow manure from a local farmer. He delivered it, dumped it in my yard and I spent the day ankle deep in shit, shoveling cow flop around.
At the time — swear to GOD — I thought “I’m ankle deep in shit on my fortieth birthday. This must be a METAPHOR for something!”
My metaphor called me about six weeks later. It was the Other Woman phoning to let me know she existed. Turns out — surprise! — my husband had a mistress spanning 20 years and three marriages. (It also turns out, I later discovered, that they had a grown child together.) No, I had NO IDEA. Remember, I’m a CHUMP. No clue. None. Zip. Zilch.
I had just moved to a no fault divorce state, financed a serial cheater’s career move, and bought a 100-year old fixer upper with this fucking sociopath.
How I got out of that mess is another story for another time (many miracles, many blessings, a lot of idiocy on my part — idiocy I share with you as trial-tested results of What Not To DO). The point was… my birthday.
My fortieth birthday sucked. I literally spread shit on my fortieth birthday. My cheater husband’s gift to me was a pen. (Admittedly a nicer gift than the tie-dye motif license plate cover he presented to me that Christmas). And during that weekend, unbeknownst to me at the time, he was off screwing his mistress. Cherry on top of the shit sundae.
What a difference six years makes.
Today I am so blessed. I’m remarried to a great guy who is truly my better half. He’s nerdy and kind and super smart. Verbal. Bright. A mensch. A wonderful father to his kids and a rock to my son. He eats too much popcorn and loves polka music. His quirks fit my quirks. I marvel every day at my amazing fortune that this is my life and he is my husband… and I will shut up now before you choke on my treacly, heartfelt, love goop.
My husband has been pestering me for the last week about what I want for my birthday breakfast. He is a master at French toast, and tragically for him, I do not care for French toast. (“It’s JUST LIKE BREAD PUDDING! You love bread pudding!” No, it’s not the same. French toast is a pale substitute because it’s not drenched in Bourbon.) I got a sweet roll and coffee and roses for breakfast. Swoon.
He took me out on a date last weekend and gave me a ridiculously extravagant gift. He put a pressed shirt on, and the man hates to wear all things dry clean only. He opened my door. He bought the fancy dinner.
I’m not writing this to make you hate me. I am writing this to you to say — YOU ALL DESERVE THIS. Everyone deserves to have someone in their life who delights in delighting them. Who gets honest to God pleasure from giving to them. Who will go to whatever effort just to PLEASE you on your birthday.
You know what’s sexy? EFFORT. Effort is sexy.
I didn’t know this until I was 42 and met my husband. I spent a lifetime in my relationships shoveling shit to one degree or another. I’m not saying <sniff!> no one loved me, no one bought me a pretty present. I’m saying — I didn’t know what reciprocity felt like. What it was to love someone who loved me back just as hard, maybe harder. Who if I lobbed the ball to him, picked it up and lobbed it right back. Who threw it further into the green, past me, so that I had to run to catch it. Who (damn him) is ahead on this birthday celebration thing. But I have a few things planned… his turn is coming…
Betrayed folks — do not settle. Good people who make effort exist. Go find each other.
Going to go celebrate some more. I’ve got a sugar coma now, between my prose and the birthday cake… maybe I’ll go take a nap… Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday ?.
Happy Birthday – You look marvelous. !!!!!!!! Xxoo
Happy Birthday beautiful! Thank you for always telling it like it is and sharing hope with so many people! We can either put up with their crap, or get rid of the crap! You are the walking, breathing example that you can obtain better! And there are many more like you! Hey, there’s ample supply of cheaters out there…..let them have each other!
You ROCK! Happy Birthday!
You’re so pretty! Happy Birthday!!
I’ve come to find that it’s not the gift at all, it’s the gifter and the intention behind the giving. A pen from the right person is way more than just a nice writing implement, (and I love a good pen! I journal a lot, on paper rather than on a computer, and smooth, properly inky, non-skipping, dark enough pens with the right heft and feel are crucial.) A pen from a narc is just what it says on the tin.
Enjoy your day. Friends and coworkers made my fiftieth so wonderful; my husband was okay that day, too. We all had a nice Chinese dinner out; my in-laws produced a Dairy Queen ice cream cake, and there were adult beverages aplenty back at the house, although I don’t partake. My BFF brought me flowers and balloons into work earlier that day. It was lovely.
If that’s aged and saggy I see in the pic above, I’ll take it. You’re glowing, boss. Also, I can confirm the bit about “good people will make the effort” – my guy is the same way.
Happy Birthday, Chumplady!!
A moth before my 40th birthday, a good friend of mine’s husband planned a super elaborate party for her. It was a huge, all weekend party with all her friends, a scavenger hunt, dinner, EVERYTHING in great detail from a Friday to a Sunday.
I remember wishing my then husband would do anything decent.
Forward to six days before my fortieth birthday and my early gift was D-Day.
I remember my 40th being a blur and haze of misery and disbelief. My kids were young and I really felt like I arrived at rock bottom.
My 40th birthday was memorable in the worst way possible.
But guess what?
We share the same birthday, Chumplady! – (Although I am 51). But I too am in a much better place. So much better… D-Days never come at a great time but I’d never want to go back to how I spent my 40th.
Happy Birthday to all! Mine’s tomorrow.
Ah Ha! All of you were born approximately 42 weeks after New Years! Now we know what your parents were up to.
HerBlondeness – that was hilarious. I’m also one who goes back on birth dates and funny how many were in Oct/Nov and especially during minor disasters, like snow storms with people having to stay inside.
I wonder which month wins?
Happy Birthday Wiseoldowl and Chump Lady. 9/25 is my birthday also, I am 53.
Happy Birthday! Another one!
Happy Birthday Chump Lady, Wiseoldowl and Sitting Chump !!!! 😀
Wiseoldowl,
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Wiseoldowl, happy birthday to you – chachacha!
Happy Birthday!!
Happy birthday!!
Happy Birthday Chump Lady you look great !
Happy 50th Birthday, Tracy! I hope you are having a wonderful time in charming Quebec!
I’m 50 too as of this year. My 40th birthday sucked, too. It was the first time I realized my ex really didn’t give a shit about me. No cake. No presents. He ran up to Target that same day and got me a “funny” birthday card. And this after years and years of making his feel special on this birthday. Homemade cake. Invited his family over for a nice dinner to celebrate him. Cards and presents from me and the kids. And of course all those years he made it a point to go out to lunch with a female “friend” from college — they share the same birthdate. Did he ever take me out for lunch or dinner for my birthday? Hell no!
I have no idea what it feels like to be in a relationship with a man who makes me feel special. My ex started to make my birthday special AFTER I told him how sad I was that my birthday was never celebrated. Then he started doing stuff. I shouldn’t have had to tell him to celebrate my birthday! A wife should not have to ask for this, especially when she sees her husband celebrate female college “friends” birthday and ho-workers birthdays. I can’t tell you how many cakes I made for that man to take to work for someone’s birthday! At the job he got fired from (probably due to the fact he was hooking up with a ho-worker), he actually asked me to buy Skittles for a ho-worker for her birthday as she “liked them so much!” And what did chump me do? I bought Skittles for his ho-worker. This man made me hate my birthday. I hated that I had to ask to be celebrated just one day of the year. To be made to feel special just one day out of 365 days. Was that too much to ask?
Thank you for your post, Tracy. I will never settle for a shit sandwich again. I’m happy for you that you found such an awesome gentleman. 🙂
C’mon, Martha. You forgot the NPD theme regarding holidays / celebrations where they are not the focus.
Remember your Mother’s Day celebrations with your clown? Where he told you or proclaimed in front of the children you made with the clown, “you’re not MY mother”.
I think the same goes for our birthdays, ” it’s not MY (NPD’s) birthday”.
OMG. Everything from history now has a new view…
The mother of my STBX died suddenly a couple of years before our first was born. On my first Mother’s Day, he came home from work and told me how people kept asking him what he had planned for Mother’s Day. His response was “What do I have to celebrate? My mom is gone.” I wrote it off as grief, but the truth is he worked EVERY Mother’s Day. He never sat down and helped the kids plan something special for me. He would just go to the store buy a couple of gifts and cards, have the kids sign them, and then take me to dinner. I finally reduced my expectations for the day down to “it’s just like every other day”. It always bothered me. I would help the kids plan something special every year for Father’s Day yet I couldn’t expect the same from my spouse. And I was made to feel guilty for expecting it.
OMG asshole…
No, I didn’t forget about that Mother’s Day, ANC! That Mother’s Day was actually within a week of my 40th birthday (my birthday is early May and Mother’s Day comes very soon afterwards.)
It was by coming here at Chump Lady that the lightbulbs started going off with all the birthdays and Mother’s Days not being celebrated and I made the connection with his NPD. It always felt so bad that he didn’t celebrate my special days, but it all made sense when I made the connection with the help of CL and CN that that’s what narcs do. They need to be the center of attention. My ex doesn’t come across this way at all, but he undermined my special days so that I wouldn’t get any attention at all, because like you said, it wasn’t his birthday! God, if I would have done to him what he did to me all those years with my birthday or Mother’s Day, his mommy would think I was the worse wife in the world (I’m sure she does now as she’s got her baby back and he’s rewriting history, saying I “never took good care of him.”) I’m sure his mommy is eating that crap sandwich up and believing the pathological liars lies. Her “perfect and special” son couldn’t possibly be an evil monster. No way! It’s the wife who was horrible. Good riddance to that crappy, fake “Christian” family.
Martha “Her “perfect and special” son couldn’t possibly be an evil monster.” Man… if I had a dollar for how enabling family can be, I’d be a millionaire… Exaggerating, a bit, but the way narcs re-write history is incredible and you do become the evil partner. I shook my head every time his mom felt the need to defend him and tell me or even SHOW me how to be better for her son and treat him like how she did. OMG eyeroll. I bit my tongue so many times for the sake of respecting my elders…
Why, how right you are ANC!
That Narc behavior totally escaped me trying to figure that one out.
Focus wasn’t on him, therefore . . .
Now I’m trying to figure out that every.single.time. we went on a date for dinner, he picked a fight and ruined the nice evening before it even started. Talk about a romantic killer.
Martha, please know that the way your ex acted on birthdays had nothing to do work how “special” the whore-workers or college hurl-friends were or how “special” you were not. It all had to do with what a sick ass mother fucker he is. It’s all for show, and how much adoration he can get for being such a Nice, Thoughtful Guy. There was nothing in it for him to treat you well on your birthday, you were already doing special stuff for him. It’s an added bonus to these psychonarcs to treat you bad, they ENJOY it.
I know that you are right, Anita, about there was nothing in it for him by doing something nice for me for my birthday. But it still hurt so much year after year. I never told my family or anyone anything about how I was being treated. They were shocked to find out about all the emotional abuse. Once I did tell him that I was sad that he never did anything for my birthday, he went overboard. He started taking the day off from work on my birthday. Now mind you, never once did he ask me to take the day off with him. I have no clue why he needed to take the entire day off. He just worked from home. Every year I would say, “Enjoy your day off work on my birthday.” I knew it was all for attention from him ho-workers. “Oh! Jeffrey Dahmer is such a wonderful husband!! Look! He takes the day off work for his wife’s birthday!!!” And Jeffrey just soaked up all that attention he got. And he also started making me a birthday cake or pie each year. He’d get recipes from his ho-workers. Even more attention for him!! God forbid he’d be normal in his response when I told him I was sad that he never did anything for my birthday. A normal husband would have gotten a cake from the grocery store. No! He had to make a big production at work about how he was making me a homemade cake! I did appreciate it, but my gut told me something was “off” in what he was doing. It all makes sense now.
Martha, I too never told anyone and then I finally said, no need to protect him, time to protect myself and take a close look at what’s really happening in my life and share, no matter how embarrassed I felt for allowing it to happen to me. The person that is supposed to be my rock and support me and love me was hurting me every day. Such a sad revelation, but one that I eventually came to terms with.
This made me cry. Stated exactly right for how I am feeling. I always thought I was a strong, independent woman. How did I let this happen? Why did I put up with it for so long? And why did I hide how I was being treated and protect him for so long? It was NOT normal. I thought that this is what you do…overlook your spouse’s flaws and love them anyways.
I’m done with all that. It is just hard having people know I stayed through the first DDay which I hid from the world (and my kids). And it is hard not to question myself over letting the kids see their dad for who he is without trying to fix it for them and him. I have been protecting them from it and being the bridge between them for so long that it isn’t easy not to step in to set up things for them to do together. However, it is very telling that since I stopped, he has only taken them to do 2 things in the last 10 months. First half was all him not even asking them. The second half has been the kids not wanting to go anywhere with him.
How do you know when you should stay out of things and when you should help move things along for them? What is best for the kids? This is the hardest part for me…
depends the kids age but in general don’t interfere. If that means that when the kids are of age that they don’t want to spend time with him anymore, then that’s on him! Let the chips fall where they may.
Martha, Hugs to you too!!!
GetMeFree, I always saw myself as strong and independent, no BS type gal, until I realized that there are people out there that will do you harm no matter if you have the best intentions or not. How one could be so cruel is beyond my comprehension and could never fathom treating another human being that way. It’s funny, like CN says, they treat everyone around you so wonderfully and then you get the evil eye and condescending/degrading remarks. Blows my mind, but as we all say, too much untangling. Just have to know who we are and what we offer others and avoid blood-sucking vampires.
As Lovedandlost says, Tuesday and let the chips fall where they may with the kids! I’ve finally let go of trying to warn cheaters of their choices and the consequences. You eff up, then you eff up. (Of course, we deal with aftermath, but it was so freeing to finally get to that point of “It is what it is”.) Not my circus, not my monkeys… Something about that saying becomes reality when we get to Tuesday!
Yeah, Peakyblinders. I totally get what you saying. And yes in a way it was embarrassing to tell what was going on all those years. I always felt so insecure about myself. I always felt “not good enough.” I didn’t feel that way when I entered into a relationship with him, but after the first devalue, I was never the same again. And he slowly made me feel “less than”. I never would have imagined it was him that was making me feel like shit about myself, but I can see it clearly now. And I loved him so much and now I wonder why I would love someone who treated me so poorly. I’m working on myself and my picker. ((((HUGS)))) to you Peakyblinders. We’ll come terms with it some day and we will be stronger and more fabulous than before!
Tuesday
I’m looking forward to Tuesday. I’m about 90% there. No contact, sans time I need to communicate due to the kids, with the narc is helping.
Martha, my 40th birthday was a bad one, also. My then husband put no thought or effort into anything. I remember him calling a bakery for a cake for me. It was the night before my birthday, about 6 pm, and he was trying to order a cake. No one could accommodate his request. Could that be because you can’t order a cake for the very next day as most places were already closed or about to close? My birthday is also the same day as a significant, good time holiday (think leprechauns), so I am sure that made my birthday very very hard to remember.
I used to have parties for him and I would cook and prepare for hours.
You know what he once said about the parties I had for him? He said that I was only “showing off”.
They are all assholes.
Super Chump, I’m sorry your 40th birthday sucked too. 🙁 And what’s up with that remark from him that you were “just showing off” when you were trying to do something nice and loving for him. What a jerk!
Yep. I threw a huge suprise party for the fucktard with friends and family for his 40th.
When mine rolled around I got “Uh, I didn’t think you wanted a party because I didn’t think you wanted anyone to know how old you are.”
I also threw my then-husband a huge surprise party for his 40th, with lots of friends and family. My 40th? A last-minute gift bought the day before. No party, no forethought. They don’t deserve us and that’s the damn truth.
EyesOpen – ‘They don’t deserve us and that’s the damn truth.’
I’ve been thinking about that all day since I read this thread, on my way to meh, and that’s the damn truth!
I was meant to feel worthless so much of the time, rejected during funs days of the year, and I put up with it w/o complaint for 35 yrs.
Damn it – I DESERVE better! I give back every bit and more, if I get a genuine special moment planned just for me.
Homemade casserole! I’m a happy camper.
Mavis, Wow, that is sad. 🙁 I’m sorry you had a bad 40th birthday, too.
Happy Birthday CL. You should wear your 50 years in this earth proudly. You’ve help many suffering people
This is so true. Chump Lady, you are truly doing an amazing thing. You gave me hope. You inspire me to choose happiness every day. You changed my life.
I don’t know what I’d do without my dad. He set the best possible example about how to conduct myself in the most extreme of situations; showed me what it means to have integrity and a genuine sense of “always do the right thing”; taught me not to take any shit from anybody (especially those who are supremely shitty themselves); and made me understand that life consists of owning up to the mistakes we inevitably make, learning from them, and knowing that tomorrow is another chance for life to get better.
My dad’s birthday is September 25 (yesterday).
And now I’ve got somebody else to celebrate on this day, someone who’s help me re-learn each of those lessons in a completely new way.
Hope you had a great day, Tracy. My sincerest best wishes to you and yours.
Happy birthday to your dad, UXworld. 🙂
I never enjoyed my birthday as a child. I am the child of a chump and we never got to celebrate or enjoy things the way my friends did… SO I’m so much of a chump that we picked my birthday to get married (well it was a Saturday in the summer after all…) anyway this year I turned 29 and it was our 4th wedding anniversary all in one. And he’s been cheating on me and leaving our three little kids and I the entire time. So I told myself that for my 30th birthday, next summer, I’m giving myself the gift of freedom from this abuser. 8 years of this has nearly destroyed me. No more!
Happy birthday, Chumplady and thanks for the reminder!
(Ps: husband told me this weekend the kids will be living with him and his newest mistress (of 3 Months) on the weekends. This is the man who has never cared for the kids overnight and sees them all of 15 hours per month. I give him the chance to see them every Saturday and Sunday as he travels for work during the week. Does he really think a judge will allow this? Shaking my head and calling my attorney during nap time today! 😉 )
I should add that this would be at the home of the mistress not my husband. And she has a minor child. Who lets a man you meet on the internet move into your home with you and your child immediately after your first contact on POF?! She sounds like the dream supply for his crazy needs. Feel bad for her child though!
I feel what you are saying Aloha….getting married on your birthday.
I didn’t get married on my birthday but I met me now ex-wife on my birthday at a Cubs game. My parents, siblings and friends were having a birthday party for me after the game and I remember calling my Mom that I was not going to attend my birthday party because – “I met a really nice girl”. My Mom was very happy for me and still had the party because my older sis also has the same birthday as me (we are not twins, just a coincidence) but anyway, that was the start of my chumpdom!
Document, document, DOCUMENT.
Oh I am. I have an organized binder with daily notes, financial ruin that he left us with, calendar with dates and times of his visits, a section for each mistress (for the divorce), text messages in with the daily notes etc…. he’s going to crap his pants. He forgets that he married way up in regards to intelligence. You would be proud Chumplady!
I love your point that he married up (way up) in regard to intelligence.
I think this is an error lots of cheaters make. Our patience in putting up with cheater-crap makes us persistent when we finally do decide to leave. Our practice cleaning up after them means we know where they leave their dirty laundry. Our organization skills, that have saved their rear-ends many times in the pas,t are now great for kicking them in the can.
With the dangerous ones, though, this can lead to a lot of time in the “rage” stage of Chumplady’s 3-channel cheater cycle.
Happy birthday, Tracy!
The only reason that my 40th birthday didn’t suck is because DDay occurred shortly before my 37th birthday, and because of this site and the support I had in IRL, my divorce was final a few months before my 39th birthday.
So thank you, CL and CN, for reinforcing that I needed to leave the cheater. Only a couple of my birthdays in my late 30s sucked, but at least during those times, I was on the road to leaving.
Congratulations on your 50th birthday! Looking great. You are an inspiration to us all. 🙂
When a chump finds the right person to be chumpy with…I thought the damage and betrayal my cheating ex inflicted on me was going to somehow ruin me but it didn’t. I stumbled for about 10 months. It seemed like a lifetime and I’m a little ashamed it went on for so long with the pick me dance, pick our kids dance, and pick our life dance. None of this meant anything to him once the mask was off. But I got through the next 4 months of pregnancy alone with our 6 year old and 1 year old. I moved back to our family home he abandoned with 3 kids and faced the bitter New England cold. I took my job back (with the ho worker and him), and took my life back. And when I was ready my 2 best friends set me up with the kindest, most loving person I have ever known. And everyday I remind myself “i deserve this”. And I am so good to him and he is so good to me. I feel like I have a partner. There are no games. Just truth and patience. He has let me work through the effects of the ex’s affair and over the past year we have developed what I believe to be a healthy and normal relationship. This is what I want to model to my children. He will never be their father and my intact family is gone. But they are witnessing first hand what love and respect look like and what they should give and demand in relationships when they are grown. And maybe it works out for the rest of our lives or maybe it will run it’s course and we will part someday. But I will never ever accept less than what he has shown me. I’m still trying to unchump myself. it’s day by day. But NEW CHUMPS LISTEN UP!! There are good people out there. People who would never hurt you like your ex did. Be the good person you are and fix that picker! Just go slow and if it doesn’t feel right, listen to your gut! Don’t spackle!
Thank you for this post. Some days it feels like healing will never come…
I, too, was abandoned when I was pregnant with a 12 and 14 year old and after 20 years of marriage. I refuse to even let myself think about another relationship right now. I know I need to get through this divorce (and hopefully a successful annulment) as well as give myself time to heal. But is good to know that maybe someday I will get the chance to experience love the way it is supposed to be.
Happy Birthday, Chump Lady.
Finding this site was the beginning of my starting to heal. After a couple of months lurking, I went no contact with my STBX except for making arrangements to see the kids. Best. Thing. Ever. Thank you for all you do!
Thanks for this post! I hope I can meet a special person one day, too.
Way to be mighty! I’d take a cold New England winter over a cold heart any day.
Happy 50th Birthday, Ms. Tracy! Your beautiful heart makes this world a better place. May you be showered in terrific people and experiences and surprises, always!
Happy birthday Tracy. Thank you for creating and holding this wonderful space with righteous assertiveness.
Tracy, Have a Happy, Happy birthday week!
Thanks for all you do!
“Bonne fete” as they would say in Quebec! Thank you for being born. You are a beacon of hope to all in Chump Nation.
The birthday song is different in Quebec too.
“Ma chère Tracey, c’est à ton tour
De te laisser parler d’amour ”
Loosely translated it goes:
My dear “Tracey”, it’s your turn of letting you speak of love.
It’s very beautiful esp when sung by a group in loving tribute. So it really is your turn at love. Felicitations!
🙂 We’re discovering in Quebec City they love to sing songs full of pathos and emotion. It’s karaoke on every corner. They do Big Emotion here! I love the Quebec birthday song — thank you!
Yes, folks…add me to the “40th Birthday Sucked Wildly but 50th Was Great” club.
Husband 1.0 did ZERO for my birthday…friends, neighbors (who sometimes pulled funny birthday stunts on each other) did zero, my family (who acted like my SILs 40th was the Second Coming) did zero. I waited all day for my surprise…guess what the surprise was? Yes…that there was no surprise.
My daughter (then only 9) realized I was su hurt that she tried to throw a part herself the next year…a sweet 9 year olds version…just precious…considering all the adults in my world totally let me down.
I later learned that H1’s affair started in earnest a few months later…what I saw at birthday was the discount and early discard. The few first years of my 40s just SUUUUUUUUUUCKED.
H1 died when I was 47 and I started dating H2 when I was 48. (His 40th coincided with his wife leaving to find greener grass that didnt exist, so it sucked too) Just before my 50th, he took me to Turkey, proposed in Ephesus, took me on a yacht cruise of the Aegean Sea (with a few couples and a chef) then to Istanbul to shop the Grand Bazaar and see the Hagia Sophia.
Results may vary, but fear not Chumps, better days are ahead
Happy Birthday Chump Lady !!
Happy Birthday, Chump Lady!!! Thanks for helping me get stronger ever day.
Unicornomore, sounds great!!! Gives me hope.
unicornomore, I never tire of hearing the story of H2. It is a beacon of hope, like Tracy’s story.
Maybe you could just include it once a week to keep us alert to the possibility that, in this colossal pile of shit, there is a pony. (apologies for the ‘shit’ theme, but I’m from the farm and this experience has resurfaced my past memories of it!)
NOT for the ‘expensiveness’ (if that is a word).
For the thoughtfulness (noticing what one likes/prefers).
I love A&W, DQ (Dairy Queen) and movie theatres. SO those would work for me.
aww that is sweet. It sounds like Nokibbles 4U got a good one too .
Today I came home and he looked distressed. We had been working on restoring a really old steamer trunk and I had glued it while he was away. The glueing I did was not as he had wished, in fact it caused him great angst. When I came home, he calmly said something like :
“I love you I love you I love you and I really need to tell you that there was too much glue, maybe I was unclear but I love you so much but there was glue in each corner and I had to sand for like 2 hours and I know you we trying your best and I love you but please be careful how much glue you use on really old things. I really love you can I have a kiss? If I dont tell you then Im not being true to my feelings, so I had to tell you since there was so much glue”
so as distressed as he was, he managed to tell me without getting mean. I almost asked him to not preface gripes with “I love you” but I decided against it. I want him to know that it is safe to come to me with a concern i listened without getting defensive and arguing. I accepted the critique graciously. and I gave him a kiss
Sweet story, unicornomore. Maybe he could get a nice name, beyond H2.
As it stand, he is almost H2O ~~ massive, powerful, essential, fluid, waves a lot, buoys everything up, worldly/universal (rather than common), has a high boiling point, is dipolar rather than bipolar, is a real gas at times, can be dense but not always, can be fresh, always odourless. I could go on. I won’t.
(I loved all the ‘I love you’s)!!!!
He is also “Colonel Greatguy” …he was Colonel Goodguy until the book release party in DC and I promised if he came with me he would be promoted to Great, so that is what I put on his nametag.
At the party, there were a bunch of folks I didnt get a chance to talk to (I was struck that so many people there were young, attractive and vibrant) but I did get to talk to Tempest and Chumptitude both of whom are amazing, beautiful women. Twin dad was just lovely too. There was a very new chump who laughed for the first time in a month and I announced it to everyone and we all cheered.
Your story makes my heart happy UnicornNoMore!
Happy Birthday Chumplady!!!! You bring light and hope to so many!
For my 43rd B-day XH had me served with divorce papers the day before as I was leaving for a trip to Australia. I thought the server was the airport driver. At the time, I was devastated but have come to realize what a gift he had truly given me. Fast forward three years, I have a wonderful MAN in my life. He’s a brilliant and compassionate physician. I remember the article CL wrote about when she and her husband were dating and he ordered expensive room service tea because she was sick. When we first started dating, I was so happy when my new guy showed up with a glucose meter for me because I was worried about my dog’s Diabetes. I didn’t ask him to do that, he did it because he is kind and caring. I’m hoping on the right track with this one! Thanks Chumplady for providing a roadmap to a better life.
You’ve got a good kid and a good man, Un – treasure them 🙂
A very Happy Birthday to you, Tracy! You look stylish!! beautiful and so happy! It’s wonderful to be on a site with like-minded, genuine, caring people. These are the people you attract, so looks like you fixed your picker all the way around! 🙂 I can’t tell you how much you and everyone here has made a difference in my life and outlook. So thanks and I hope you enjoy your special day!
Happy Birthday Tracy and thank you for all you do!
Happy Birthday, Tracy! Hope even more of your dreams come true!
First, CL, let me say You look wonderful!
Second, the post made m me a little sad, because it reminded me of the NonEffort the ex put into his relationship with me, while simultaneously pouring all his time and attention on a worthless whore. But then I remember this is only Love Bombing from a fraud. It didn’t last on me, it didn’t last on her, and it will never last on anyone because it really is all about HIM and how wonderful he can appear to onlookers.
I’m sorry it made you sad. Cherish the people in your life who make effort. And if you don’t have any, cultivate some. Be kind to yourself. If I was alone on my 50th, I would still do something special. I did myself a great unkindness in my earlier life staying with the No-Effort jerks. (Oh, it’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll just make my needs smaller. Who me? I’m good…) I accepted lopsidedness as natural. I had to *earn* every kibble. I’ve over that shit. I hope you are too. ((Hugs))
Yes, how he appears. I remember other people knowing and involved in what gift I would get, how it was wrapped, etc. so my surprise was always about what he was doing for me, to impress others. I remember before he left me, he bought himself something expensive and gave me a $4.00 trinket Keychain. I gave that gift back when his stuff was all packed up for him to come get and get the hell out!
Oops, forgot to say Happy 50th Birthday! My 50th birthday present was being married to a cheating whore monger, although I didn’t know it at the time.
Happy Birthday Tracy! So are you and Jenny (Happy Hausfrau) sisters from another mother?! I’m pretty sure today is her 50th birthday too. What’re the odds that my two favorite bloggers (and people in general) share the same birthday??
She’s one of my favs too! Happy birthday Jenny!
Happy birthday, Tracy, and thanks for this site!
Happy birthday, CL! “You know what’s sexy? EFFORT. Effort is sexy.” <– Enough said.
Your ringlets are on point as always, and I truly hope I look half as good as you on my 50th birthday.
I have to join the chorus of others and say that the shock of being with someone who exhibits reciprocity is the best shock in the world, even though it makes you feel silly for going around on this planet for so long and *not* expecting basic common decency from people. Oh well, at least I've got it now!
Huge warmth and massive blessings on you this birthday, and on all your days, Tracy! You and your site have been giant blessings in my life since I found you in 2014. I have cried out loud, and laughed out loud because of Chump Nation and at the stories of the beautiful, broken, mighty Chumps. But it’s your compass that has made the difference for all of us, and many times given us bearings when we couldn’t see or find them among all the pain and confusion.
A very happy birthday to you and many, many more in this wonderful life that you have rebuilt. Xox!
Happy 50th Birthday! You have been such a gift to so many people. A true blessing in my life. My 40th was last week and I’m 4 1/2 months past d-day. Some days barely hanging on…. My stronger days I credit to you and CN. I pray my 50th finds me as happy as you.
Thank you.
Katbug! I hope you are well. and Happy Belated Birthday!
Thank you Peakyblinders?
Today is my birthday and I’ve been celebrating me all weekend. Fall is a wonder time of year. It’s great to be in the company of good people. Happy birthday Tracy!
Happy birthday!
Thanks guys!
Happy Bday! Glad you will be surrounded by people who love you…
Well happy birthday Renewed – Yes, I also allow the fall season deep in my soul as a source of serenity.
Happy 50th!!! Hope you have the best birthday yet!
Happy B-day! You are so cool and hysterical! ?. Thanks for all you do for Chump Nation! ?
Happy birtyday!!!!
Happy birthday, CL! Wishing you many more sweet rolls and bread puddings in your future.
Happy Birthday! Please know that you have helped hundreds, thousands, maybe MILLIONS of people!
You are a beacon of light. You have taken your emotional pain to help others.
Kudos, to you my friend! May this be your best year yet!
Happy Birthday! I echo the sentiments of everyone on what a lifesaver you have been. For my 50th I brought a little red convertible which arrived on my birthday. Threw myself a party with all my friends and had a great time. All paid for by me. I was married at the time and it didn’t occur to me to wonder, until I was divorced, why X didn’t think to do that for me. His contribution was to criticize my car, he didn’t know I was buying it, and not even offer to pick up the check on my party. That was the best birthday I ever had, my gift to me. Thank you for opening my eyes that he sucks!
I hope you got that car in the divorce. 🙂
Happy Birthday Tracy!! You’ve been a gift to all of us!
The STBX never remembered my birthday, yet he knew everyone else’s. My DIL told me after I filed that he would text her every year and ask her what the date was. I never knew that. Fourteen years, and he didn’t even know his wife’s BD.
I’m reminded of that each time I go pick up my prescription when the pharmacist asks, “What’s your birth date”. He has it listed wrong on the insurance forms. Now I say, “Well my ex has it listed as the 27th, but it’s the 26th”. Once she looked at me and said, “on purpose perhaps”?
I think now that is was his way of showing me just how little I meant to him.
This past summer was my 60th, and I drove the 14 hrs to celebrate it with my family. I spent the day on the beach with my kids and grand kids…. it was wonderful, and it smelled like freedom.
Happy, happy birthday to you, Tracy! You look so happy and you deserve it! Enjoy your time in Quebec!
Happy Birthday, Tracy!! I am having a hard time deciding whether I am more jealous of your new husband or your beautiful hair!! 🙂 I hope you enjoy beautiful Quebec!
—–
Two years ago, I had one of those horrible chump birthdays at 49 … I had just learned that my STBX was sending love notes to a woman he met at the workplace gym lord knows how many years prior. So when I let him know that I knew about her, I specifically asked him NOT to do his usual “checklist” birthday celebration for me because it obviously didn’t mean anything. (Bottle of wine, check. Hallmark card, check. Box of candy, check. Bouquet of cheap flowers, check. … sounds lovely except this exact same assortment showed up each and every time … no thought at all. Just a checklist.) He ignored my request and left the usual on the counter along with a present … wait for it … of size 2 gym clothes that would certainly fit his gym skank, but certainly not size 10 me. And I hate the gym. Icing on my birthday cake? After many promises that he would prove to me just how important to him I was, he left for a ski vacation with his gay lover for Valentine’s Day weekend, which falls one week after my birthday. I of course did not know the significance of that until 2 years later when the REAL D-day happened. Total fucking asshole … quite literally in his case.
“Total fucking asshole…quite literally”…hahahahahahahaha
What is it with this birthday thing and narcs? F**kwit set about ruining my birthdays from the very first year I met him. He very often found a reason to pick a fight either the day before my birthday which carried on through, picked a fight on the day of, or just passively aggressively did absolutely nothing on my birthday. I always made excuses “he was tired” etc. He (high income earner) gave me a key chain on my 30th birthday (before we were married) and did not speak to me for three days because I threw it into a river in anger (at least I had that much gumption). Why oh why did I not see what was yet to come in a married life of ruined birthdays and run away? My last birthday with him was my 50th. I woke up alone, made my own coffee and breakfast while F**kwit slumbered away in the guest room, undoubtedly after a long night of looking at porn on line. The massage therapist I had pre-booked arrived and I had a massage in my bedroom (like a true chump, I had booked and paid for a massage for F**kwit to follow mine). By then everyone was up and I could hear the children in the kitchen below asking for breakfast. I heard F**kwit telling them that Mommy would get it for them while he was having his massage – he was too busy reading the paper to prepare their breakfast. I knew in my heart then that he did not care one bit for me. It was not a revelation. He let me know in so many ways every day that I was not at all important to him (see CL’s observations above about “effort”). I just refused to act – emotional paralysis. D Day occurred months later and five months after separation, on my 51st birthday, he sent me an email rescinding the offer of spousal and child support that he had had his own lawyer prepare. “It was going to cost him too much money”. Very special that he saved that important communication for my birthday. I was glad that he did it because it underscored his fuckupedness and reinforced my decision to leave and be free of his hatefulness. Last year I came to realize that the long time friend who always took me for a birthday lunch was from Switzerland and I gave her the heave ho too. This past birthday was lovely and spent with people who genuinely care about me. My girls made me a very special cake and we celebrated a wonderful day.
Happy birthday Chump Lady. You are a wonderful inspiration to me. Many happy returns of the day.
What a colossal fuckwit. Who care what he *wants* to give you in a divorce settlement? You get a kickass lawyer and DEMAND a decent settlement.
If you haven’t served him yet, serve those papers and include a cheap keyring.
I have a kickass lawyer but he is a sick, angry f**k who is enraged that he was dumped and that his lovely family beard for the double life with young hookers and sugar babies was blown. He is in his early 60s, could work but has “retired” citing a non-compete in his employment contract. He refuses to draw his pension and lives off his savings which are substantial. Thus, no income, tiny support cheque for me and the children. He has been served and I’m not done with him yet. Watch this space. So grateful for support here and from my local Chumps.
Cheap gifts from a wealthy man do mean something. I know that gifts are extremely unimportant compared with genuine love and affection … really guys, I DO know this for a fact. But my STBX earned a high 6 figure salary and sent me out into the world wearing a $20 10K gold band purchased from Walmart. He spent more than that on his special shoelaces for his tennis shoes. Kudos for tossing that key chain into the drink … it was a premonition of your future mightiness.
Happy Birthday, CL… and welcome to the 50th club! I just joined a few weeks ago myself!
Thank you for re-posting this. I’ve been in a bit of a funk because my STBX had my son for visitation on my birthday (as part of his summer vacation visit). And, when we brought him home, Mr. Sparkles didn’t have so much as a card for my son to give me. NOTHING. NADA.
And, I remembered – Mr. Sparkles ALWAYS SUCKED at birthdays and anniversaries and Xmas. Zero effort. Why should I think anything would change now that we are apart.
And, I’m sad – because it made my son sad. So now I’m trying to figure out how to help my son remember these special dates so he can contribute as he would like to do… and not have to rely on his loser Dad to be a stand-up guy.
(For the record, I did make sure my son had a gift for Mr. Sparkles on his b-day. They were celebrating it with the OW and her kids and I didn’t want my son standing there with empty hands.)
Small bumps in the road, I know… I guess the best gift of all is his absence from my life. Too bad my son doesn’t understand that quite yet.
Rock on Tracy – have a great day! And Rock on Chump Nation.
ICSTMC – one of the things I’ve done for the past three Mother’s Days and birthdays since the douchebag abandoned me and my daughter is explain to her (then 14 year-old) that a small, handwritten note, letter, or even a small piece of art (like when she was little) is so much more valuable and precious to me than any ‘ol card that she could buy. It’s really worked.
She goes back to her room when SHE wants to, and works away at something for me, having me in her heart while she does it. When she gives me these things now for Mother’s Day and my birthday, she sees how they make my cry with love and true appreciation for her effort and honesty, and I set them out or have them right next to my bedside for months. Her sweet little drawings, and writing to me how much she loves me and is glad we’re together. That’s GOLD! Plus, I get more kid projects that I thought were LONG gone!
I also don’t ever want her to feel that if she doesn’t blow money on me or anyone else, that it doesn’t mean anything. If she gives of herself through a small, personalized project, and the person receiving doesn’t recognize and appreciate her for it – dump ’em, girl! Plus, this type of gift-giving teaches them how to really think about the person they’re writing to, or for whom they’re working on a project. Putting thought, love and attention into a gift is SOOOO much more precious. Good luck!
KFMM – Thanks for the ideas! I’m going to suggest the same to my son (and that he can consider those options for his Dad too!)
I remember a post you put up in my early days… about the sinister spouse who expresses ZERO NEEDS but insteads festers and does nothing to help… but can easily cast about blame. BOY – did that strike home with me about Mr. Sparkles.
I guess I want to be sure I’m raising my son to be a man who is engaged and thoughtful. Heaven knows I don’t need “presents”, but I’m sure his future partner wouldn’t mind unexpected moments of delight and thoughtfulness… that is what I’m aiming for 🙂
ICanSeeTheMehComing!, An idea might be to tell your son that the best birthday gift you could ever have will always be him. 🙂 I bet I’m right there! Quality time is always more memorable than a tangible gift… that’s the real lesson behind gift giving is love and intent. Just as an aside, when people who didn’t care for me (usually co-workers going through the motions) gave me a gift, I would always give it away… Why? Because the intent/sentiment attached to the gift was not a positive one. What I’m trying to say is that anything you receive from your F**wit is tainted and thoughtless anyway. Hope it helps you to not feel so bad… He’s the one that should feel bad in the first place!
PB – totally agree… I’m cherishing every day with my kid… they go by so fast.
It will be sad when he is old enough to truly understand how disordered and selfish his Dad is… but he’s got one sane parent – and CL reminds us, that is all our kids need.
Good! Enjoy…… 🙂
ICanSeeTheMehComing – If your son is young, you could encourage him to make a gift and card before he leaves for holidays and tell him that you will put it aside for when the birthday comes around. Then phone him on your birthday and tell him how much you loved his card and gift. Don’t expect your ex to man up, it’s not going to happen. You are a SUPER mom to give that child the guilt-free opportunity to make his father a card. That’s called “parenting”. When your son is a bit older, you can tell him you love your birthday and pick another day when he is home when you can celebrate together – make a cake together, blow out the candles together etc. After I got rid of F**kwit, my 9 year old girls kept me out of the kitchen and made me a beautiful cake which they brought to my bedside with a coffee the next morning, my birthday. Later we went tobogganing and watched a family movie together. They were so proud of themselves to be able to make it a special day.
Great feedback Indomitable! I’ve made Mother’s Day a day where my son and I do something together (amusement park; NYC to see a show)… could make Birthday another day.
Guess on some twisted level I had hoped Mr. Sparkles would man-up. Nice part of him NOT doing so reinforces that he is a sociopathic narc only out for himself 🙂
FWIW, I never expected my ex to encourage my son to do anything for me. And if he did, frankly, it would creep me out. I do let him know about significant dates and he’s good about following through on his own.
Also I never encouraged my son to do anything for his father. That relationship is his responsibility. And he mirrors what his dad puts in — which is virtually nothing.
Happy Birthday and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do to help chumps!
Happy birthday, Tracy! Also, happy celebrating in Quebec 🙂 I am from nearby, so it’s nice to see you are visiting in Canada. Wishing you all the very best, and thank you for what you do. Hugs
All the very best, Tracy, and thanks for all you do!!!!!
Happy Birthday! You changed my life and I will always be grateful!
Happy Birthday, Tracy! I don’t care what you say; I think your hair is awesome and I love it.
Happy 50th Birthday! Envy you being in Quebec. Here’s to many more.??
Happy birthday Tracy! I echo all the remarks of how meaningful this site and your hard fought wisdom has been. Please keep it going for all the future chumps.
X would remember my birthday with the obligatory red roses, feeling-less “bump on the lips”<— his version of a kiss, and week happy birthday. Repeat for the 35 anniversaries. On the 35th I had to put a beloved cat to sleep. He never remembered to take me out for that anniversary but did remember to bang his 25 yr old trash-ho the next week while I was out of town. Sweet memories
I meant “weak” certainly not a celebration for a week
Happy birthday! Thank you for all that you do to bring respect and sanity back to the wonderful world of relationships.
And dare I ask whereabouts in Quebec? I’m nearby and would be delighted to show some Canadian hospitality and buy you a drink – or a sweet roll, or a Beaver Tail – a truly Canadian treat.
That’s kind of you. We’re in Quebec City, but leaving tomorrow. Next time — Chump Nation Northern Meet-up. 🙂
Happy Birthday Tracy! Glad you celebrated your day with a very happy, and might I add, a very contagious smile!
Gosh, I am right behind you as I will be 47 this Wednesday. Well off to court – Downtown Chicago – Judge will make his determination at 1:30 if I will receive temporary full custody of my 3 little birds. My fingers are in a permanent knot!
Good luck today SureChumpedAlot!
I hope it all went to plan. Let us know. You are mighty.
Marked711means a lot coming from you. Thanks brother!!
Good luck lady! Sending positive vibes!
Sorry, I mean Sir! And congrats!!
thanks a bunch!
Best of luck to you SureChumpedAlot!
awwww, thank you
Report back! Hope it goes well!
To all, thanks so much for your love and support.
I was awarded temporary full custody!! My kids are now safe for the time being.
Its still bitter/sweet as my kids cant have any communication with their Mom for 21 days. I am going for permanent full custody thereafter.
Chumplady and CN I couldnt of done it without you all. You taught me how to create boundaries and enforce them. My old chumpy self is gone and at the bottom of Lake Michigan.(I do dive!) I owe it to each and every one of you.
I will start a post in the general forum with more details after i feed my 3 little birds. I love you all.
Congratulations Surechumpedalot!!!!!
I am so happy your kids are going to be safe with their sane parent, and so grateful to know that awesome dads like you are walking this earth.
Enjoy making new memories with your kids!!!
So happy for your victory, Surechumpedalot!! You are a great dad for protecting your kids like that, and I am so happy for you and your kids! Great to know the courts do make a good ruling every once in a while. 🙂 See you at the next Meet-up!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! I wish we could all be that lucky.
My luck was my belief in, “In God we Trust”
SureChumpedAlot!!!!! WOOOT WOOOOT!!!!! Congratulations!
I am so happy for you! I’m sure your heart and your home is all lit up with the love and laughter and HAPPINESS! I can feel it from here!
Sooo happy for all of you!
Awwww thank you so much!!
Happy Birthday Chumplady!
My birthday was my D-day and the day I found you and Chump Nation.
Looking back that was the best birthday gift I ever got, the chance to live again. I wish I could give you a gift as amazing as the one you gave me.
That you, thank you, thank you! I love you all!
That was over a year ago. Since then I had my first post cheater birthday. I woke up happy, alone. I looked forward to my day for the first time in years and I got a gift from PTSD Guy that I wear it everyday to remind myself that things get better. And if for some reason it doesn’t work out with PTSD Guy then at least I have seen that I deserve and am worthy of so much better, just like everyone else here.
Happy Birthday Tracy!! The day you were born you were destined to save lives. You saved mine. I hope your life is beyond blessed in return for all you do to help good people maneuver through the hell of infidelity and mental abuse. i just feel I can never thank you enough for giving me SOMETHING to work with when I had nothing left. You gave me strength and comfort through words through this blog. Have a blessed birthday?
A very happy birthday to you Tracy. I am so glad you were able to kick the cheater to the curb to make way for your loving hubby today. You deserve every good thing to come your way.
Your hard work at Chump Lady has touched so many lives including mine. Thank-you for giving me the tools to finally connect the dots that allowed me to heal important parts of my life. I will always be grateful to you and Chump Nation!.
Happy Birthday Chump Lady, thank you for all your inspiration!
My 50th is in 6 months, and I can’t help but feel sad that I’ve got no-one to plan a fantastic celebration with. My cheater left me with herpes (he didn’t think it necessary to tell me about it until 3 years in and, being a chump, I remained in the relationship). On my birthday last year he decided to email his ‘convenient vessel’ (his description of her, not mine), as he had one month before, on our anniversary (I discovered both of these incidents later on, not really sure why he picked our special days to reach out to the woman who he said meant nothing to him). I’m still struggling with NC and the pick me dance – I let him back in my life after D-Day last year, when I ejected him from my home on discovery of his new membership of a herpes dating site, as well as contact with a woman who he had previously cheated with. He took some of his stuff and said he was going to his mom’s, but within 2 hours of leaving, he booked into a hotel with his convenient vessel (who lives in a different country, but just happened to be in town). He’d never taken me ANYWHERE in 5 years, not a gig, not a meal, and certainly never a hotel! Still I took him back and tried to make it work, causing me an additional year of pain and further opportunity for him to crush me with his constant lies. So now my big birthday is looming, I’ve gained three stone and am so broken, pretty much crying every day, hoping he’ll come back and be kind to me. How much more chumpy could I be?! I’m trying to stay positive, I suppose a lot can happen in 6 months, but I never expected to feel such a mess at this point in my life and I seem unable to stop puffing on the hopium pipe. Maybe I should write off my 50th, and focus on my 51st – I’ve never been especially traditional, and if I’m not up to full strength by next April, I need to believe I can be MIGHTY by 2018!
Herpes is not a death sentence. I have it. My ex gave it to me, he knew he had it, and said nothing. Then he blamed me for getting it. (?!) The doctor who gave me the news told me his friend would say I had chosen poorly. Without thinking I said, “Your friend sounds like a bitch.” I used to feel mortified, but now I’m all, “Rly? She wants to judge and shame someone who loved and trusted their partner?”
There was one man who said he could get herpes from me by shaking my hand, and that he didn’t want to see me. I told him, “I don’t want to see you. I want to see someone who realizes I am so much more than herpes.” He came back, for some reason, I let him. I dumped him later for not respecting my boundaries. Think of your herpes infection as a jerk detector. If a guy gets hung up on that, then he is not the guy you want. My new husband didn’t care that I had herpes. He loves me for who I am. And we have had two little babies since we got married (neither of the babies have herpes, we took precautions during delivery). Looking back, I can seriously say getting herpes probably helped me more than it harmed me. It kept me from sleeping around and being a target for bad people, because I wasn’t going to sleep with someone without telling them, and I wasn’t going to tell someone I didn’t trust. It felt like an instant picker-fixer, for sure. 🙂
Don’t write off 50. Why not give yourself the gift of dumping the fuckwit? Seriously, it’s a gift that will keep on giving. You don’t need him to wake up and do something nice for you — he’s not going to. Abusers do the “come here closer… so I can slap you” thing. It’s a bad cycle. GET OFF IT.
You do something nice for yourself. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself with the respect and care that you wished someone else would. You deserve it.
Herpes sucks, but it’s not a death sentence or a reason to stay with a cheater who’s just going to expose you to God knows what else.
Betty – Herpes is not death sentence, girlfriend… so don’t think your dating pool only consists of your X.
Plan something for your b-day. I took a trip to an island (metaphor!?!)… and believe me, you’ll find plenty of strangers on tour buses and cruises and the like who would LOVE to wish you and sing to you a Happy Birthday.
50 is a milestone… don’t make it one you look back on with regret… you’ve got enough of those from the Vessel Seeking Loser you’re going NC with starting now.
You’ve got this.
Betty, we chumps tolerate so much and the lessons are hard ones for sure. The one mistake we make is thinking that these asshats determine our lives. WE make our lives great! They are just fortunate to be in them! They will never realize what they lost, but it’s not up to us to help man-children with adult choices.
That’s the one thing I gave up this year. Trying to fix stupid! I’m only responsible for my choices and if my partner chooses to mess up on his end, then so be it… Once a cheater told me… I listen to both guys on my shoulder and I said, “well then… you win some, you lose some! Let’s just say that I like to win..”. as in that’s why I make safe adult choices in my life. Why? Because I believe your choices do come back to haunt you… I don’t think the choice to leave this loser in the dust is a bad choice for you, it’s just difficult to navigate through your hopium right now. At any rate, The best consequence you gave your cheater is to leave him in the dust with all of his monkeys. Don’t look back now…
I know it’s hard, but you owe it to yourself to stay busy doing things you love doing and enjoying your life cheater-free. Unfortunately, you can’t fix this loser, but you can start to heal yourself. Best of luck and hugs to you…