I Haven’t Been Happy for a Long Time
The other week someone asked me to decode, “I haven’t been happy for a long time.” (Also sometimes expressed as “WE haven’t been happy for a long time.”)
It’s trotted out when the chump is looking for an explanation as to why their family life just blew up.
Well DUH. “I haven’t been happy for a long time!”
This statement presupposes a number of things:
A) That the cheater’s happiness is the most important thing (and is a valid answer to the Why Did You Commit This Dreadful Betrayal?)
B) That they’ve silently suffered for a long time and gee whiz, isn’t it time AT LAST! that they experience some true happiness?
And…
C) How could you be so dumb that you never noticed how unhappy they were? Heck, how could you not notice how unhappy YOU were until they pointed it out? (WE haven’t been happy for a long time.)
This sends the chump into apoplexies of self reflection. Well, yes, I am sometimes unhappy, but it passes. Or… hang on, how could I have missed my spouse’s cosmic misery? Apparently it was long and went on for EONS. Am I just that insensitive?
Of course you have no way of challenging this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” statement because you are not in their heads. You have no idea what they feel. So if you say, “BUT YOU LOOKED HAPPY. You had kids with me! We went snorkeling in Barbados! You drank the coffee I brought to you every morning! You said you LOVED your birthday slippers!” the cheater can just say, “Nope. I wasn’t happy.”
But you looked happy. Happy enough anyway.
“No, I was full of sorrow. Every minute. My life was a burden of grief and misery. At night I used to gnaw at the invisible chains that kept me tethered to you.”
Oh.
So chumps, how are you supposed to interpret this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” crap? Here’s a few ways to look at it:
1.) Take them at their word. Okay, you’ve been a miserable sod for decades. You, cheater, are responsible for addressing the things that make you unhappy and adjusting your life accordingly. While as a loving spouse I want to support you, if your needs are not communicated to me, there is jack shit I can do to help you.
2) Don’t accept responsibility. If the cheater was so unhappy in the marriage, they had ethical ways to go about ending their marriage — beginning with trying to save it first. Or getting out honestly before they told all their “troubles” to a sympathetic fuckbuddy.
3) They’re bullshitting you. Cake is delicious. They were probably perfectly happy with you and the services you provided — paycheck, child-rearing, air of respectability. It wasn’t until they were busted at D-Day that their Great Unhappiness was revealed. Blameshifting their “unhappiness” on to you is an invitation to do the pick me dance. Oh, you’re unhappy? How can I make you happy? I can control that! I can WIN your happiness! Let me TRY HARDER!
And guess what, they’re probably pulling the same shit on the affair partner. Oh, my marriage makes me so unhappy, but I must stay for the children! I am a noble slave to convention! Woe! And the affair partner goes, I will PROVE to you that I can make you happy! I can control your destiny! I can WIN!
Cake, cake, wonderful cake.
AWESOME!!! As always CL 🙂
This topic is soooo awesome that I must rake my yard, go for a run & eat dinner before I can delve in the deliciousness of the 214 posts so far!
yes! great post. as much as i want to read all the comments i am in the middle of cooking dinner for myboys. i am sure to say more tomorrow but i just had to say awesome!
i know i will hear that excuse someday. now i have an answer to respond when he throws this excuse. if you were so happy then you should have figured out a way to communicate with ME (your wife) and not your hoodrat AND you had an ethical way of fixing that without distroying and blowing your family
Don’t accept responsibility. If the cheater was so unhappy in the marriage, they had ethical ways to go about ending their marriage — beginning with trying to save it first. Or getting out honestly before they told all their “troubles” to a sympathetic fuckbuddy.
^^^THIS^^^ I was also asked “why are you such an unhappy person?” There is a difference between being an “unhappy” person and just being dissatisfied with your partners selfishness and irresponsibility. I mean how many times or ways can you TRY to tell someone that they are a selfish asshole “nicely”???
“There is a difference between being an “unhappy” person and just being dissatisfied with your partner’s selfishness and irresponsibility.” ^^THIS^^
Yep. I was told, “I drink because of you and your depression.” Well, duh! Who wouldn’t be depressed after 15 out of 20 years of living with the drama and chaos of a drunken, complaining, entitled asshole?
Feels good to be out, though!
Yes, I’m on my way to ‘meh’ one step at a time…
“I can only say that I have been trapped in a place of despair and hopelessness for a long time. I had myself convinced that happiness was unattainable.”
Nailed it!
“I can only say that I have been trapped in a place of despair and hopelessness for a long time. I had myself convinced that happiness was unattainable.”
Is that an actual line that someone in real life actually said?
Stupefying.
Oh, yes, FoolMe, my ex-h. Isn’t he a special snowflake? Pages of the stuff. And a bit from his ho-bag’s text to me: “I love ______ with a passion and certainty I have never possessed before. I love the kind, gentle, caring man he is. I followed my heart and I believe love can heal trauma if given a chance.” They are ridiculous.
Here’s a two-for…. double the entertainment….
Idiot MOW to my X ” I want us to work together (did that)! You’ll probably get sick of me 🙁 I have to throw out there – I also want you to have time with your buddies and for me to have time with my girlfriends.” WTF? Are you 14???
My IDIOT X to the MOW…. “I love you more than all leaves and plants that were ever bloomed!!”
FYI…. these texts were sent two weeks after their “meet up” and they had been communicating for about one month. Fucktards!!
NCStevie – “I love you more than all the leaves and plants that have were ever bloomed?” OMG that’s hilarious. Is he a botanist or something? Does he really love plants? ha ha ha made me spit out my drink. Idiots…
IKR??? LMAO Fidiot!! And NO…. I have NO idea where that stupid shit came from. By trade he is a tile setter, transitioning into fitness as a trainer. Setting tile… not so fun… pays better…. but not enough kibbles. Trainer… hang out at the gym… lotsa girls in yoga pants or shorts…. he gets to show himself off and get oodles of attention.
Honestly… I think he KNEW after I caught him that there is no way in HELL I would have let him pursue a career as a fitness trainer…. seriously??? OWhore is an idiot.
I actually found a text from her that I had missed, she referenced that a friend of hers had shared a photo of her on Facebook and it reminded her “to tell you that I was voted Best Dressed my senior year of high school” Seriously??? Lmao!!! This dumbass is 41 years old and plugging herself for kibbles on being best dressed at her high school 23 years ago in Podunk USA. There was probably only 20 people in her graduating class, she STILL lives where she grew up and it is Smallville.
As I look at the date I can see this is not an April Fools line…… How does anyone think a vote taken in high school has ANY bearing on life? Deluded anyone?
Yes.
And the “I have long been unhappy” is often linked with the “and I have ‘tried’ for ___ years months ”
but the definition of “trying” at marriage for a person with a cheaters heart would look to us like
“I stayed here stewing, blaming and becoming more bitter by the day simultaneously applauding myself for the resentfully tolerating you”. Hmmm did ANY of them approach a spouse and say “Honey, I feel were disconnected, how can we regain the closeness we once had?” oh, I forgot, they don’t DO that…they confide in that gal at work, who understands them so well.
In a way, however, as stupid-ass as it is, when they say they are miserable, I do think we should believe them. In my saner moments I recognized that whatever depression he had was something I could not fix…his relationship with himself was his alone and if he wanted to break from the shackles of a marriage with me sooner, I wish I had made it easier for him to leave.
The longer I am away from my cheater X the more I recognize how much of his bullshit he projected onto me. The “I can’t make you happy” “it’s never good enough” “you stopped wanting me”….. ALL of that shit is HIM. Truth is his life is SHIT because of his cheating and bad choices, he cheated on his XW and she kicked his ass in the divorce. Took me 7 years to find out the truth about his cheating on her…. had I known sooner I could have left when my son was younger so it wouldn’t be so hard on him.
“The longer I am away from my cheater X the more I recognize how much of his bullshit he projected onto me.”
Raising my hand too. The hindsight is stunning.
agreed!
That is the truth, but my kids also believed the BS at least partially. 🙁
This is why we need to be able to identify these liars/cheaters and learn not to be so chumpy. If you are used to telling the truth, you don’t expect others to be liars, until you are chumped. Online profiles are usually full of lies and half truths. The predators consider them to be like resumes that cannot be fact checked. I have gone from a person who was trusting and who believed what people told me, into one who believes almost nothing people say. I watch people’s actions carefully, and look for underlying motivation for any action, now. When people start telling me things about their past life, I listen carefully, and store it away in my mental “This has yet to be verified,” file. Contradictions will be noted over time, and it is difficult to tell a lie the same way twice. So if you are paying attention and you give yourself plenty of time you should be able to assess the other person’s character. Don’t make rash decisions, don’t let anyone rush you. If they are in a hurry — that’s their problem. You don’t have to be inconvenienced or endangered because someone else wants you to solve their problem.
Even small lies indicate character defects — if you are actually 5’5″, don’t claim to be 5’8″. If you are a smoker, don’t indicate that you don’t smoke. If you are a few pounds overweight, don’t indicate you are athletic and toned. These are lies that will become evident when you meet someone the first time. Don’t be a chump and “forgive” these lies, and say “Poor sausage, he/she wants to be better, and it is just a white lie. Don’t be forgiving and understanding if the potential partner tries to move too fast, being the aggressor when trying to hug/kiss you for the first time. If they dominate the conversation, and try to push you around — they are bullies. And consider this carefully — this is their best behavior, because you are new and not under their control, yet.
I know how easy it is to be love bombed, especially if you have been starved for attention. But con’s always make things sound wonderful. If they sound too good to be true, they probably are false.
I was 43 and I fell for the lovebombing…. hook, line & sinker….. I never KNEW anyone could be so deceptive about their feelings and life!! I absolutely remember saying “He just seems to good to be true”……. because he WAS…. pretentious asshole.
To quote Mr. But I am a Good Guy-“the only problem with lying is if (IF) you get caught”. Can’t argue with that.
I agree Portia. Good points. One of the best pieces of advice I have received from CL is forget what they say, but watch where their feet go. Mine would swear his undying love and that he was “being good”, but then I would find evidence to the contrary and out the door he went to her! I am very cautious now.
“The longer I am away from my cheater X the more I recognize how much of his bullshit he projected onto me.”
Same for me, NCS. And with each passing day, I see with more and more clarity that my single biggest failing was the inability to morph into a completely different woman on demand. All I could ever be was myself. But then, that’s the lure of porn and of cheating. A click of the mouse, a turn of the head, a new dating profile, and BAM. You can disappear into someone else. These guys don’t do reality very well.
“These guys don’t do reality very well.” Isn’t it MIND BOGGLING??? My cheater X is SO frigging DELUSIONAL. He seriously behaves like we are “friends” and like he hasn’t just blown up our lives…. like he didn’t LIVE here in our house for three months while swooning & love bombing MOW.
it is ASTOUNDING the position he abandoned us in…. I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer (I have shared this before, however I am finished with surgeries, doing well & on medication for the next 5 years) but I had been a stay at home Mom with our son…. NOW I have the okay to start working (medically) and am in the process of finding a job… but…. HE is supposed to be paying the rent & bills here and is 3 months behind. I offered him the house because I couldn’t afford it & he said to keep our son here until school is out. ALL of his crap is still here, it’s not like I’m being an ass and just squatting so he has to keep paying… he hasn’t moved HIS shit out. And he shows up for visitation and just smiles at me as though everything were just right in the world. I don’t know how he isn’t having a nervous breakdown he is being so irresponsible and destructive?? It’s INSANE!!
He just ain’t aware, or as Dr. Simon puts its, he sees but disagrees…..woulda believe Mr Fab said-within minutes of him coming home on D-day and being confronted as the nestshitting coward he is. “I’ve been SOOOOO stressed out”
Good luck on your job hunt, and all blessings on your health.
What a Special special snowflake-http://youtu.be/NFSjZYc8eH4
Hope this song cheers you up. I am NC with Mr fab, the kiddo sadly isn’t, but we are 8000 miles away. I play it in my head when daughter talks about him.
x-Meh.
Mephista – That song was wonderful. I am saving for future narcs.
That was hilarious!! Thank you for the laugh, I needed it.
Thanks for the well wishes too 🙂
FMT, my “single biggest failing was the inability to morph into a completely different woman on demand” resonates. Hard to compete with all those fantasy women out there. Lol.
Omg I told my sister last night that I was competing with a fantasy woman. FML
Yup, mine wanted an animated sex doll with a computer chip to praise him often and talk his favorite academic subject with him. No needs of her own.
FMT,”These guys don’t do reality very well.” You nailed it!! And can I get an AMEN?
You got a 26pt AMEN from me, Roberta.
Does anyone else feel we are being forced to play their mother?
Not only was I forced to play his mother, he acted like he was 15 years old. Sulking, unhappy, put upon, you name it. He was very sick for 10 years and I took care of him and kept a roof over our heads. 7 years into his illness, he met someone online and carried on a emotional affair with her. DD1 was 3 years ago but he chickened out of moving in with her. He swore it was over but a couple of months ago (DD2) he left and is living with her. During those 3 years of planning with OW, he kept it from me and was surprised that I hadn’t realized what he was doing. Guess I’m not the mindreader he thought I was.
We me 38 years ago this month.
Arrrgggg….kept them alive so they could continue with their assholiness…
Been there, done that.
Jen, you asked if we feel we were forced to play their mother?
Yes, yes I do.
But, frankly, there was no filling the hole that was left in his heart when his birth mother gave him up for adoption. There is more to the story–she hurt him again two decades later. The mother who raised him is lovely in so many ways, but she herself plays a victim and loves to rescue others. Both mothers are blonde, whereas I am have reddish-brown hair. I truly believe he was NEVER going to bond with me. He needed a blonde mother figure rescuer with no other responsibilities other than to him. And he found her, finally, on Facebook!
All at once, in my opinion, she became the angel blonde affection-dispenser perfect mothery sex object (ew?), and instantly I was relegated to house-and-calendar-keeper, sexless drone advisor and babysitter.
I think in his mind, he didn’t see himself as doing anything wrong. If I found out and got upset, that was an inconvenience for him, but not wrong. I’m sure the OW was up in his ear telling him that It Was Meant To Be, and that a man Deserves To Be Happy! In fact, we had sex a couple times after I learned of the OW. This was part of the pick-me dance, of course. On one occasion, several hours later, a darkness rolled over him, and he accused me of making him cheat on HER! Total mind fuck! He’d betrayed his mommy!
To be fair, I’d always wanted my man to be more like my own father–honest, hard-working, funny, assertive. My dad ain’t perfect, and I would not want to be married to someone exactly like him (bless my mom’s heart, but dang….) Still, in so many ways, my ex was the opposite of the best parts of my dad, and it bothered me a lot. And, yet, I loved him, and believed in him, and loved the ways he was different from the worst parts of my dad. In the end, he said that I’d never had any faith in him. He made that up in his head. The truth is that I’d had too much faith in him. I projected a lot of good onto him that he never deserved.
*sigh*
Miss Sunshine & Jen–they cannot be made happy. They chase a quick fix for their woes, or their boredom, or their lust, or their inability to truly connect with someone else. Quick fixes don’t work, but it doesn’t stop them from trying, at our expense.
Once I realized that my X could not be happy, I felt a lot better. There was nothing I, or we, could have done short of becoming a fawning appendage to their egos and giving up ourselves and our own lives. No thanks.
“becoming a fawning appendage to their egos and giving up ourselves and our own lives.”
Damn you have a way with words, Tempest. This is EXACTLY what the fuckers wish to achieve and in the end they will still leave you or cheat on you and call you a sap for being such.
Yes, I know, that is why I keep checking in here. When I feel strong enough I’m going to fade away. In the meantime this is keeping me from unrealistically thinking he is capable of being anybody’s partner.
“In the meantime this is keeping me from unrealistically thinking he is capable of being anybody’s partner.”
@ Jen….. ^^^^ THIS ^^^^ is SO very true….. they are NOT capable…. the good behavior is only TEMPORARY.
I happen to be fortunate enough to be pretty good friends with my X’s last wife, we have developed a friendship as I have been the one taking care of her kids every other weekend for the past 8 years. I never made her uncomfortable because I had nothing to do with the demise of their marriage, met him 2 years later.
Anyway, SHE is where I get a lot of my strength. She is my confirmation that HE is fucked up and that he is not going to change. Somewhere in this thread someone said “it’s a cycle” and that is SO true. They can only keep up the facade for so long….. keyword “disordered”.
One night right after D-Day #2 I was talking to her on the phone after X picked up the kids (I was home) and she put me on speaker phone so her boyfriend could listen and talk too. At the end of the conversation her boyfriend said “Just about every single word of that is EXACTLY what ___ has said about him, he is NEVER wrong and SO friggen selfish……same complaints…. same issues…. same shit…. same cheating.”
She told me a year ago that the lies would never stop, she was married to him for almost 12 years, I should have listened….but I spackled instead.
Jen, don’t project your goodness onto him. Don’t let him crowd out the rest of you. He proved that he’s not worth it.
Keep coming here, and also go to your other loves–hobbies, friends, family, groups, charities, etc. Do what you LOVE. Don’t make up love where it isn’t.
Truth is, even you can’t really love someone who isn’t worthy. Those are strong feelings you might have, but it’s not love. He doesn’t embody your values! He’s not admirable! He’s not honorable!
You might feel a longing for what you know, or for what you’d imagined he could be, but you also know he’s an asshole who hurts.
You’re better than that. Be patient with yourself. Have a good cry. Shake it off, and hold your head high. And fill your heart with REAL love. YOU are worthy of REAL love from someone who will cherish you.
“Don’t make up love where there isn’t.”
I don’t know why I do that, but I guess I do. Thank you for your understanding.
Miss Sunshine he sounds like a total jerk. And yes the kind of jerk that was born of some attachment disorder. Women like us want to be there for those people, but they are so fundamentally screwed up, there really isn’t anything anyone can do. Not even the other woman. So her punishment for having so little character is she will have to put up with him. And it won’t be fun.
I knew a couple at work that left their spouses for each other. Seemed to be crazy about each other, moved in, had a baby. She is my facebook friend. I can tell from her pictures and posts he isn’t in the picture anymore.
They’re jerks. Hapless and hopeless. So sad.
Sorry you were married to one, too.
No we weren’t married. We were together for five years, then broke up when I learned he had cheated. Then we were off and on. The last two years we were practically living together, but he was calling it friends with benefits so he could see another x the two days a week I wasn’t there.
Yes, I read this every day so I can remember not to go back. I am stupid enough to love him, but he isn’t capable of loving me. I figure is she wants him that badly she can have him.
Still hurts like a MFer.
Yes, yes and yes…my POS, the SA, told me that he was going to make me a mother if it was the last thing he did. W T F ????
Let me repeat: THE SEX ADDICT TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO MAKE ME A MOTHER IF IT WAS THE LAST THING HE DID.
He was referring to ME “mothering” HIM. F’ing asshole. Whore/Madonna syndrome BIG TIME.
The only thing I didn’t do for this “id” was wipe his ass. He PAID someone to do that.
I have four children who have done very well considering their fucked-up family circumstances of fathers who left because they weren’t “happy”.
If these fools were walking down the street with a flashing sign saying “Make Me Happy” on their head, at least I would know they were a designated black hole and get the fuck out of the way.
The “make me happy” are the most selfish, fake, controlling, critical, soul less, lazy, slithering, emotion sucking, sexless, creatures I have known who never initiate ANYTHING. PURE ENTITLEMENT. They are so special and you are lucky to have them. BARF, VOMIT, THROW UP.
Whenever this fuckers say, “I am not happy”, your response should be, “So, why are you not happy with YOURSELF?”
Then, every time the fucker attempts to blameshift their “unhappiness” to someone else as the reason, you need to repeat it.
You may have to repeat it several times because they never hear you and won’t understand what you are saying.
I know what my sign said, “I’ll Make You Happy”. I have since unplugged and tossed it in the trash, so now I am a bitch.
You know what? I think that name has a nice ring to it.
CJ…. Looooooove it. Unplug the sign… Take down the tent…. Not my circus…. Not my monkeys!
“Not my circus…. Not my monkeys!”
! ! ! YES ! ! !
Yaaaaaay !!
“The “make me happy” are the most selfish, fake, controlling, critical, soul less, lazy, slithering, emotion sucking, sexless, creatures I have known”
YES, CalamityJ!! The endless cycle of criticism and blame over the most ridiculous things, then ignoring all the good we do to keep the house and children and relationship going why they are out moping about feeding the other woman sad tales about how they are unhappy in their marriage. Fuck the lot of them. May we go on to greater things, and may they end their lives with the realization that they made THEMselves unhappy.
“..may they end their lives with the realization that they made THEMselves unhappy.”
Yes. Yes. Yes. Truer words were never spoken.
Bottom line, folks, is that “They made THEMSELVES unhappy.”
B I N G O
Tempest you are so right… they made THEMselves unhappy. They throw away everything that REALLY matters for someone they often barely even know. X has been telling me that I’m an “unhappy” person for so long I actually believed it. I certainly haven’t been happy with the way we have been living but I’m not just generally unhappy. HE is an unhappy person….. NEVER satisfied… it has taken me almost EIGHT years to figure this out. More of that projection bullshit.
EVERYTHING he spits at me is actually a direct reflection of himself. “You’re unhappy” (he is) “You’re negative” (him) “Nothing I ever do is good enough for you” (my Mother said “I don’t think I ever heard him say you did anything right) “You are so selfish, all you ever think about is yourself” (really? laughable) “You stopped wanting me a long time ago (my personal favorite) ….. etc. etc. You know the drill.
“They throw away everything that REALLY matters for someone they often barely even know”-NCStevie
-Three days after dday when I was finally able to speak to him, I begged him to see how beautiful our 26+
years together had been. He said that he should have left 5 years ago (WTF?) because I would be farther
along in accepting that the marriage was over.
“It wasn’t until they were busted at D-Day that their Great Unhappiness was revealed.”-ChumpLady
-On Christmas morning X gave me a card that read, “Life gives you beautiful things, it gave me you.” Less than
36 hours later he morphed. It took me a few years to throw out that card.
“I think he is confusing the marriage with himself…”.-Chumpette’s daughter.
About 2 weeks after dday, I stayed at my in-laws for a few days. I was so lost & former MIL was always a
source of comfort. When I told he said he didn’t love me, she kept saying that it was not true. 2 months later
divorce papers arrived & I was instantly persona non grata to his entire family
“Maybe they are miserable because they did something truly awful–THEY LIED AND CHEATED on their
spouse!”-Divorce Minster
-after 5 years heccan’t be too miserable because he is engaged to a woman who was not the OWhore.
They are miserable….. because they are simply just miserable. As previously stated they make THEMselves unhappy…. they are never satisfied!! They are always relying on outside gratification to “fix” their unhappiness and make them feel “good” about their shitty existence. The main problem is that the PAIN comes from inside them…. when the shiny wears off the pain resurfaces they can’t FIX it because they can’t FACE it or even admit there is a problem and if they do… it is someone ELSE’ fault.
Calamity – your clear view of cheaters made me remember something that was initially buried in the detritus of Dday.
As XH began spinning his final version of justification (I was so unhappy) to my then 23 year old daughter, she texted me:
“I think he is confusing the marriage with himself…”.
I knew it was true, but I was so stunned at the time, it didn’t sink in. It has sunk into me now. But irony of all ironies…he is working his story so well now that this same daughter is getting re-confused by his Poor Me gear. Ugh.
I agree with you Chumpette–I outed my x’s lies to my 19 year old, and I think she was relieved, even though it bothered her.
Tell her the truth. Your daughter has to be able to trust YOU.
Whoa, I am in agreement. No bullshit to the daughters about daddio. I just won’t engage in the triangulation of me, dad and daughter.
I told them the truth. But his tale of woe to daughter, daughter and their sympathy for him is not going engage me in a dance with the asshole. “Ahhh mom, poor daddio. Can’t you lighten up?”
“Sorry daughter, daughter, the answer is no, BUT I do ‘hope you can have a good and healthy relationship with him'”.
Key word being “hope” and that father-daughter relationship is yours not mine.
In the end, they will make their own evaluation of Mr. Perfect’s It’s Not My Fault It’s Your Mother’s bullshit mantra.
Chumpette,
We are on the same page..
CJ – clearinig up some confusion…agree no triangulation is best strategy , children deserve to know truth, they will arrive at their own conclusions in their own time. but my original post today was addressing something else.
although the original lie (adultery) may be over, when XH’s other disordered behaviors and manipulation continue with our children (i.e., “I was never happy” ) i do not think remaining silent is wise. and i do not think saying something is triangulation. IMO it is education and caution.
what seems to be working for my adult daughters, when they bring their confusion to me as XH continues his disordered behaviors is: 1) listen, and 2) simply label the behavior for what it is, i.e., “that’s called justification” or “beware of distortions” and “check this with what you know”.
IMO equal parts reality and equanimity can be a healing balm.
educate adult chidlren for their own mental health? yes.
triangulate by trashing cheater? no.
Totally agreed. I think our kids need to have somebody in their lives who’s standing for truth, so that they can grow up with an authentic narrative. There’s a big difference between saying, “Daddy cheated on me, and that’s not okay with me. That’s why we divorced,” and “Daddy is a conniving narcissistic asshole.” Because, hey, they will figure it out eventually anyway, and on top of losing their nuclear family, they might well wind up feeling chumped by US if we didn’t give it to them straight. I wouldn’t want that for my girls. Just my .02.
You go on loving her and building your happy life. Don’t talk to her about her father, and if she brings it up, just say that you hope she can have a good and healthy relationship with him. If you detach from the outcome, chances are things will go as they always go with these hyenas. Remember the narcissist cheater LOVEs to triangulate and if you won’t triangulate with Schmoopie(s), they use the kids. So detach and let her work it out for herself, again, that he’s screwed up.
Very true, LAJ. Don’t triangulate and she will figure it out again. All by herself.
LAJ & CJ – i normally agree with your perspectives but not this one. i would not watch a boss, friend, or anyone knowingly lie or gaslight my daughters without saying what i see. i understand the theory and dynamic of triangulation. that may or may not be relevant here. i think we all figure things out when we are ready. i sure as hell would have figured things out sooner if someone had told me what was really going on (pre chump nation)
so i say something when i believe it is in my daughters’ best interests. what XH does with MOW is his business. my family’s new life going forward is mine. it will be liar, blame shifting and gaslighting free. or at least there will be a reality check on that shit.
Oh I am just crackin up now Calamity!!!! LOL!!! THANK YOU!!!! All that is soooo true!!!!!
I like this part:
“I know what my sign said, “I’ll Make You Happy”. I have since unplugged and tossed it in the trash, so now I am a bitch.”
Nice. I’m going to keep that in mind. UNPLUG THE SIGN!
“If these fools were walking down the street with a flashing sign saying “Make Me Happy” on their head, at least I would know they were a designated black hole and get the fuck out of the way.”
CJ, you are the bomb!
I agree 100% with FoolMeTwice…. that is fabulous and spot on!!
Yes. He wanted me to make all the decisions and he wanted me to change and fix. Poor whittle boy needed his emotions to be the center of our home life instead of that big bad reality of aging and our parents and our kids actual needs coming first for a few years.
X wanted me to make all the decisions so he had no responsibilities and he could claim he was doing whatever to make me happy and then he could turn around and rage and blame me for everything.
Why yes, I am in therapy because of this.
Kira – me too – exactly!
^^^this too^^^ I got the “you’re too smart, you’re too dominant, blah Di friggin Da…..” He purposefully never made decisions, plans, whatever, so that he could resent my choices ad infinitum. Didn’t realize this for the passive/aggressive maneuver that it was-just thought he was dull…..nope, he’s a Weasel with a capital W. Tangentially, he took great joy in binge drinking, seeing me ignore him, then going in to the kitchen and slamming the silverware into the “appropriate” compartments in the drawer (I admit, I don’t give a rat’s ass if the salad forks commingle with the dinner forks). All the while glaring at me as if this was just another horrible burden he had to endure……It defies explanation, but is good for a chuckle……
Hahaha same here! What is it with the utensils that set them off. I didn’t nest the forks and spoons properly. Heaven forbid!! That was actually one of the reasons he gave for proceeding with the divorce.
Smart is Hard–there is obviously something deeply flawed with both of us that we could care less that the forks co-mingle. No wonder our poor spouses were driven into the arms and crotches of another……our monumental failures caused it. (cheater logic)
I have seen in a couple of my family members- that Ultra-Organization is the sign of a control freak, narcissist. They can’t stand anything ‘out of place’. Usually starts in the silverware drawer….
Yes, though in my case it was playing father role to my ex-wife (e.g., pay the bills, deal with all repairs of everything, discipline the kids, etc.). And then was resented bitterly for it. A no-win situation.
Zackly, Nomar….I had to parent Mr. Fab. No wonder I went off him, I am no Jocasta….
But thought it was me, blamed myself. I was responsible for his happiness. But since he never wanted to get it on without toys or porn or whatever, or doing the two shoves, one grunt and snores thereafter, In truth, I went off him, because he was already fucking around, treating me like an object and mentally abusing our kid.
I never listened to that little voice saying this is all.fucked.up. Not even after DDay
Trust your guts Chumps. Love to all Chump Nation
x-Meh
Same except with the genders reversed…so I was damned for having “emasculated” him.
Yes, well, since she couldn’t play the “emasculation” card I was told that every time I did laundry or swept the floors or balanced the check book my actions IMPLIED criticism of her. As in, b\”By doing this you’re expressing disapproval that I didn’t do it first.” What? It was such a head-spinning argument that I actually bought into it many times. And . . . apologized for working around the house? Yep. Yes, I did.
Yes…when we were engaged he was worried about his mother disapproving of us having sex as we had to spend almost every weekend at her house. We lived in different cities in the week so sex was rare, guilty and not that good.
His mother issues only worsened after the wedding and looking back, the pick me dance started way back then and he usually picked her.
I tried so hard to be picked that I ended up in her role.
He liked sex to be hidden away and forbidden so affairs were inevitable….he left not long after mother died.
OW is a natural at “mother” and has even forced him to start eating his greens in his fifties and this is something neither his actual mother or I ever succeeded in doing.
YESSSSSS. I am constantly pushed into a Mother Role.
OMFG. We have been together almost ten years and I feel like he BARELY even knows me at all. He doesn’t even need me for the arguments. He just argues against what his Mom would have said. He even runs away like a little kid/teenager! Runs away and won’t answer the phone or email or whatever. I HATE it. It is just so so so pathetic. Then if I bring up ANY issues I get told I am “shaming him just like his mother.”
They have such a screwed up relationship. I can only describe it as “emotionally incestuous.” She expected him to take care of her emotions which were, just, all over the map. She freaked out over two floors of Chinese restaurant last time I took her out. Jeez, couldn’t even order her own Chinese Food and then blasted her husband for ordering something “she didn’t like.” But the really weird part was when I told them about his cheating. She acted like he cheated on HER. It was just bizarre. Just so bizarre.
He’s an ass. Don’t get me wrong. But I can see exactly why he wouldn’t know how to treat a spouse vs. a Mom. But this is no way excuses the cheating. That was utter bullshit.
Is my wittle baby boy gonna eat his wittle geen peas with the truck spoon and be a good baby…vroom…vroom…yum…yum..open wide my wittle honey bunny..
Yeah, I see how OW got him to eat his peas…piece of cake.
It’s a game you can’t win!
“Hmmm did ANY of them approach a spouse and say “Honey, I feel were disconnected, how can we regain the closeness we once had?” oh, I forgot, they don’t DO that…they confide in that gal at work, who understands them so well.”
I still have problems believing how they all work from the same script!
” In my saner moments I recognized that whatever depression he had was something I could not fix…his relationship with himself was his alone ”
I wish I’d had those “saner moments” sooner, instead of spending 5 years tying myself in knots trying to make him happy – seems like I was a bit slow on the uptake….
“Does anyone else feel we are being forced to play their mother?”
I don’t know about their mother – a bl@@dy psychic, more like !
Yep this one is often said around here. Really ticks me off.
Unhappiness. Well. I was extremely unhappy when I noticed my husband was acting like a colossal prick. I just didn’t know why he was being such a colossal prick. I didn’t know that his being a collosal prick meant that he was fucking any whore that spread her legs and opened her mouth for him. I was so ignorant. I rember expressing my unhappiness and telling him as I was crying that we had to fix our marriage. I can remember asking him what was wrong. Funny, he did not mention anything about being unhappy. He knew I was unhappy because I told him so. He was totally happy. He had me crying for him and he was getting all the fucks he wanted. He was very happy with the power he thought he was getting from his deception.
Off topic here, but how do you know if you are getting a fair or good settlement in your divorce? Is there any way of knowing?
OMG THIS!
“Unhappiness. Well. I was extremely unhappy when I noticed my husband was acting like a colossal prick. I just didn’t know why he was being such a colossal prick. I didn’t know that his being a collosal prick meant that he was fucking any whore that spread her legs and opened her mouth for him. I was so ignorant. I rember expressing my unhappiness and telling him as I was crying that we had to fix our marriage. I can remember asking him what was wrong. Funny, he did not mention anything about being unhappy. He knew I was unhappy because I told him so. He was totally happy. He had me crying for him and he was getting all the fucks he wanted. He was very happy with the power he thought he was getting from his deception”
#My.Whole.Marriage.
“He was very happy with the power he thought he was getting from his deception”
Which is why I now hate my X. He gamed me big time, and still had the gall to blame it on my faults.
I am sure there is room in the trunk of the car for two bodies!
Three
Done
Talk to an attorney and review case law in your state. Most states today are 50/50 HOWEVER if you can prove pre-marital assets such as a down payment on the joint family home etc. then that money needs to be returned to you before the remaining portion of the equity is split 50/50. Also if you received an inheritance while married that inheritance is not considered marital assets so you can keep it. If by chance you put your inheritance against the family home and can show you received XXX as inheritance and then made a payment of XXXX of equal or lesser value on the home you can then argue that you should received that money back as well before the 50/50 split of equity takes place.
In regards to Alimony, it is really based on why the divorce is taking place and who the judge believes. Adultery plays a huge part in Alimony. If the person who committed adultery is the one asking for alimony then they would get less, or perhaps no, alimony.
Child support in most states is calculated and is based on income from both parents and over night stays the child has with each parent.
Just a note on inheritances. In IL if you receive a sum of money and that money goes into a joint account, it becomes a co-mingled asset. Once it is co-mingled, it belongs to both parties.
Most states, including mine, state equitable distribution, not to be confused with equal, or what is commonly thought to be 50/50. My cheater kept banging this drum and the courts and mediators, assuming you have an attorney, can very well see the POS you are up against and take the negotiations in that direction. My husband knew from the first minute in mediation that if I didn’t get the 80/20 I wanted that I could certainly go to court, unmask him & Schmoopie in court and ask for even more! Funny, after a year of refusing to sign my offer, he signed his life away in a mere 3 hours! It was great!
Not all states work that way. Maryland is one of them. Adultery does not mean anything in this state other than getting a divorce faster (and it showing on the public record) and effecting alimony. Marital assets still get distributed 50/50.
Supreme Chump, you’ll get more answers to the question if you post it to the Forums, rather than here. But the general rule is, you consult a lawyer or two, they tell you what the courts would likely decide if it went that far. It’s often pretty straight-forward, and gives a solid basis for any negotiation, mediation, as well as deciding whether you do actually need to go to court to get fair treatment.
I do not see any link to forums.
You’ll get the log-in via your email. The forums are a great place for extra advice.
There is a Register link and Log In link at the top of the page. After you register and log in, then the Forum and Log Out links will appear.
How about “Our marriage has been over for a long time anyway?” I didn’t get the unhappy memo, I got the marriage was over for a long time memo. That really had me bamboozled; especially since we had a vacation in the Caribbean a mere 2 months before.
Is this an off shoot of “I haven’t been happy for a long time?” or is this another special mind fuck. That one really had my head reeling for a long time. Is that a separate topic?
The “long dead” argument, as told to and reflected back from the OWhore in an email I later was able to (ahem) ‘acquire.’ And, for BONUS credit, her version of his excuse for not trying to talk to ME about it, why his going to the OWhore instead was ‘the right thing’ to do.
All MY fault, of course!
” But I’m not taking him from his wife. She walked away from him many years ago. (We were still intimate, sill going on trips and vacations, planning to remodel the house, yeah, all signs of me ‘walking away’!) Away in all but the outward forms. And it happened long enough ago, their current paths have deviated far enough that there’s no way back on it. Past the point of no return. Unsalvageable.
. . .needed to be out of the not-a-covenant. He needed to be away from it. The path he was supposed to be on, the path along which he was supposed to live and to learn and to grow and to glow, was away from that path that had him bound. Staying with the outward forms was keeping him from the life that was intended for him. (As in, intended by god, as specially told to her. OBVIOUSLY.) But he couldn’t get away from the outward forms. He couldn’t risk that kind of confrontation.
. . . needed to be not-there. But he couldn’t get not-there by himself. He didn’t have that kind of strength. He couldn’t simply step from there into not-there. He needed a definite here into which to step. He needed a here into which to become whole. He needed that from me as much as I needed what he offered.”
Chchchchump, and what exactly does he “offer” to this obviously over dramatic tramp?? His cheating, deceitful selfish ego? If so then we have a winner! She can have him! And WTF with the over dramatic writings??? My husband I swear must have been studying soap operas or something. It was laughable the way he talked and his emails were even funnier!
Open court would have been a gas – too bad she didn’t contest the Order of Protection.
As for what he offered HER: an audience? mind-blowing (according to her) sex? a fantasy of twu wuv?
She was NOT HAPPY to learn I had all of her emails to him (it was WAY one-sided – he wrote almost nothing to her) and tried to get him to wipe them off our computer. TOO LATE! I had them backed up in several places he couldn’t get to. If I weren’t NC, I’d be tempted to send both of them links to this site so they could see the ridicule.
Have you seen that Rob Cantor video, “Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf”? My daughter showed it to me a while back, and it is one of the freakiest, funniest things I’ve seen in a while. What I think you should do is send some of those emails to Rob Cantor and have him turn them into a video like that. lol https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0u4M6vppCI
Chchchump, I printed this drivel out and I have it in a binder. I am going to use it as a “coffee table” book! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I have compiled my own “coffee table” book as well.
Would love to put some of the highlights thru the UBT.
May be a future post idea, CL!
BTW, I would have absolutely loved to have these to idiots read that shit in open court! I wonder if they would have been in costume for the dramatic readings?? Really I have heard of being ” in your birthday suit”, but I doubt that would fly in court! They probably would have needed a bed also as a prop! Of course it would have had more material on it than they would have had! Baahahaha! Too rich!!!!
Are those real quotes? Someone actually wrote that? Or is it still April Fool’s Day?
Man. That is some serious psycho-religious babble going on there. An OW daring to use the word “covenant”? Where’s a bolt of lightning when you need one?
Sent to him during attempted reconciliation – edited for brevity(!):
“As the poisons seeped through me, telling me that you were going back to your wife, (with the painful vision of you living in the emotionally barren wastes where I first found you), the ragged pieces of me that had been sheltering in dark caves, now quivering and moaning and bleeding, out of their caves in the raw air, were saying, and then shrieking, that you were deserting me; you were in the process of vanishing, just like all the others, their numbers magnified by the internal propaganda.”
Oh my goodness, what was that load of emotional tripe all about? Has she got a screw loose ?!
CCChump… O M G. Does she ride a fucking unicorn into work? Or watching too much Game of Thrones?
ChChChump–that is hysterical!! Love the imagery: “now quivering and moaning and bleeding….”
The B-L contest should give her a lifetime achievement award.
‘….you were deserting me; you were in the process of vanishing, just like all the others, their numbers magnified by the internal propaganda.” ‘
Holy cow! How many others were there? You did get checked for STDs, right? She sounds like the town bike.
…. and THAT email – about taking Plan B pills two days after their first fuck was un-effing-believable!
Remember – she over-dramatized. I’m guessing that “all the others” was maybe 3 or 4 over 20 years.
But yes, I did get tested. Even though Wasband insisted that she was for sure “safe” as she had an M.D. Of course having an M.D. didn’t prevent her from fucking him unprotected at JUST the right time of the month to maybe get pregnant. (She was sure, SURE, I tell you, that he MUST have had a vasectomy!!!)
OMG, their numbers multiplying by the internal propaganda?? WTF? Her own paranoia, I guess.
I am in the worlds worst mood and that passage from stalkerzilla OW made me laugh … I cant even
“the ragged pieces of me that had been sheltering in dark caves, now quivering and moaning and bleeding, out of their caves in the raw air, ”
I read that and thought she was talking about her vajayjay being that time of the month.
bwahaha Chumpy. Yeah – send her a violin shaped tampon.
Irony of ironies: he has taken out an Order of Protection against her. The letter I call her ‘stalker letter’ is actually quite a bit disturbing. As in: “if I die, the pain ends and it doesn’t matter; if you die, the pain continues and it doesn’t matter.” But I guess it wasn’t her lunatic delusional mind he was fucking.
More like H.P. Lovecraft. All hail Cthulu!
CCCChump,
Bahaha! H.P. Lovecraft! Yes!!
So he was fucking Sylvia Plath?
I really didn’t know her story, just that she committed suicide. The ultimate form of self-absorbtion. Not a poetry buff.
Though Sylvia Plath was a chump (which is what probably pushed her over the edge). Ted Hughes was a notorious cheater–TWO wives committed suicide because of it. Total fucktard.
Good lord. Any sane man would RUN from a woman who wrote such craziness. WTF.
Loooooooooooooool! That is the funniest thing I have read in quite some time (including some of the mid-term essays I’ve just marked). Is there another shade of purple for that prose? Hahahaha! (wipes tears from eye)
Real quotes, yes. She believed she was a literary genius:
“If you like my prose, you’ll LOVE my poetry!”
There is much, much more. All in the same style. When I read it all “D-day” – I don;t know whether it was her writing or the information that made me (quite literally) vomit.
(I submitted a portion of it to the Bulwer-Lytton contest, evil me).
The “Bulwer-Lytton” contest for overblown prose can be found at http://bulwer-lytton.com/
The ‘official’ deadline is April 15, but the real deadline is June 30. Got any overblown text or email (or spoken) drama from your STBX or X or OW/OM? From well-meaning “friends” or from Fucktard’s family? Does Slutzilla deserve a cheater’s Pulitzer Prize?
Send entries in to the Bulwer-Lytton contest, and maybe they’ll get the fame they truly deserve! Maybe we can get the B-L folks to institute a new category: Cheaterspeak!
I’ve already submitted a few of OWhore’s gems (so much to choose from!) and may well submit a few more)
That is hysterical!! I hope she wins one year!
I seriously cannot stop laughing. It’s hard to say who’s more repellant and ridiculous–the Jesus Cheaters or the Lord Byron cheaters. Good on you for submitting this tripe to the B-L contest. You might not have won the pick-me dance, but you got that competition in the bag. Hahaha! 🙂
*repellent
Oh, I got this one too, three weeks after a cruise to celebrate his 50th birthday.
And I also got “It was a mutual decision to end the marriage” from his lawyer. I didn’t get that memo either!
In the end it’s all justification.
One month before starting her affair she took my hands in hers (we were at a restaurant eating dinner) and told me that she “was in love with me and never wanted to be with anyone else”.
That has mindfucked me for almost two years now.
Cannot wrap my head around this.
Same HERE….. first “vacation” EVER for the three of us (plenty of trips for that asshole though) and we went to visit MY family in Mississippi and GET THIS…. they used casino comps for our rooms which was the ONLY reason we were even able to GO!! But…. two weeks before vacation…. guess who bought THREE pieces of gym equipment to the tune of about $2,000.00?? Yep… the ASSHOLE!! He met the OWhore the DAY before we left, we had postponed leaving because he HAD to compete in a bodybuilding show in our area that she competed in as well. And I don’t get it… she is VERY masculine…. I’ve always wondered if he had some closet desires I wasn’t aware of…. never could confirm…..
My HONEST opinion as to “why” he finally went off the deep end….. he competed years back and used to win all the time and now…. he hasn’t even PLACED in any of the last 5 competitions he has entered. It isn’t that he doesn’t look fantastic… he does… it’s just that competitive bodybuilding has changed a lot since his “prime” and he doesn’t have enough SIZE… he is ripped as hell but not “big”. Anyway…. I think his ego plummeted and he needed reinforcement…. his GOALS were unattainable because you know… he is “SPECIAL” and he was going to “WIN”…. except he didn’t…… boo fucking hoo!!
Similarly I got the “OW isn’t a bad person, she thought I was ‘fair game’ since our marriage has been over for a long time” but I never got the memo that our marriage was over…we still lived in the same house, slept in same bed/had sex and ostensibly raised our kids together (not that he was parenting much or well) but yea, that pesky missing memo…
unicornnomore–What a horrifying story! I’m sorry that his claim he never meant the vows has haunted you. You KNOW he did mean them when he took them (to the extent a cheater can ever mean “love, honor, and cherish,…forsaking all others”). He was simply re-writing history to suit his needs. Mindfuckery even from the grave.
What Tempest said. Man, that’s one of the worst stories I’ve read on here, and there have been some real humdingers. I am so sorry, unicornnomore. Big hug to you.
I’m sorry to read that, unicornnomore x
Oh, I forgot… mine also told me he was a ‘free agent’ since the marriage was clearly over.
He just hadn’t actually told me.
Mine told his OW (and anyone else that would listen)—
“I’m only TECHNICALLY married.”
Really asswipe? Then how about technically moving the fuck out of my house, technically filing for divorce, technically paying your own fucking bills, technically getting a decent job (AND KEEPING IT THIS TIME), and technically paying child support?
Yeah. Such technicalities.
“If a man tells you that he thinks of you morning, noon and night–chances are he’s someone else’s husband.”
Prick.
Outstanding SphinxMoth….. ALL of it!!! Couldn’t agree more….. they’re all pricks, even the women cheaters!
Annabella, I don’t think they are every really “happy” but they sure make it look like it. The OW gives them the unconditional kibbles & adoration they crave (to feel better about their shitty insides) because they aren’t onto their game or tired of their shit yet… look how long it took some of us to catch on….
My X certainly “behaves” like he is on top of the world right now and I know that financially he is FUBAR and wonder HOW he isn’t having a nervous breakdown. Not only does he not appear to be concerned but continues to dig a deeper hole. I think OW has money and he is hoping it will “save” him?? I hope she is every bit the narc he is and I hope that once she really “has” him she will realize how BAD his finances are and dump him on his ass.
I am sorry about your situation, I don’t have to deal with that yet as OW is not divorced and still in hiding with the affair/relationship. I know my X moved his AP into his home 2 weeks after his last wife and kids left (ahhh the things we find out too late). I don’t know HOW she survived it all, how devastating. The AP didn’t last long, that was over in about a year. I am hoping for the demise of this one as well.
I have long wondered how it seems that the most awful people seem to always get by with screwing everyone else over…. but I think they suffer in ways we don’ see. I still pray for karma. I would rather be me and suffer through the pain than be completely VOID on the inside like these assholes.
Sending you some cyber hugs & good juju, be mighty!!!
Thank you so much NCStevie..I appreciate your words of wisdom. I’ve been in bed all day, crying and just can’t seem to get over this funk. It’s been 4 yrs since he left and moved on (he married owhore) but I’m still stuck. I know now that our relationship was so toxic and I have a lot of guilt over letting him get away with the abuse of my child and I. I protected him and saved his ass when he nearly killed me in front of our child. I could have ended his career by reporting him but I didn’t. I couldn’t have pressed charges when he beat our child (and continues to do so but now doesn’t leave bruises) but I chose to believe him in hopes of reconciliation and promises of working things out. How stupid and sick was I to let him get away with it all. Every time my child goes to his house I’m so afraid of what could happen. Also the owhore tells her that I’m a “bad, terrible person”. We are still in court and he now wants custody bc i reported him to the police after my child told me he beat her for peeing on herself. He’s using the court system to punish me since in the past I kept quiet about the abuse. He’s making it seem like I’m just a bitter, vindictive ex with an agenda. So far, he’s winning. I just don’t know how much more I can take.
Annabella,
Hang in there!
These jackasses have an expiration date.
Womenslaw.org might help a bit. You are mighty.
Are they really happy tho with the whores they left their families for? It seems that everything is going right for them, they have a nice house, good jobs and now have my daughter for Easter. The slut actually posted a pic of my daughter on her fb stating that she was so happy she was coming. I’ll never get to spend Easter with her bc my previous attorney fucked me over. I had to hire another one to undo the mess she made. I’ve been depressed since yesterday and it kills me knowing that he got away with everything.
Good points!
You guys have heard it all, so this wont come as a shock, but when he was at the pinnacle of his fuckupness, he said to me “We never really got married”. I said “Aug 30, 1986, there were 180 guests in a Catholic Church and 2 Priests and I wore a fancy dress and you wore a uniform …does that ring any bells?” He meant that he was so reluctant that his consent was invalid so the wedding was never real.
After we “reconciled” I told him that we should renew our vows because he told me repeatedly that they were invalid. He said he would in 4 years (at our 25th) so I waited. Just before our 25th he told me he would not follow through. He really never gave me a reason…I think he liked having a “get out of jail free card” …he could be married when he liked but he knew he could take his argument to the tribunal and get a degree of nullity.
I literally begged him…as a “married” Catholic person, knowing my husband considered our marriage invalid and refused to make good on them was a certain sort of spiritual abuse. I once wrote him an email imploring him and he responded that he would not. He made a comment that if he ever received a terminal diagnosis, he would reconsider. What he never expected was to drop dead. When I found him cold on the floor, one of my first thoughts was that now we would never renew our vows.
Me too. Wtf! I think this is the best argument for them to use to get into the other persons pants. It also helps them look good if they tell their needed support group as they throw us under the selfish bus.
PAPrincess–“I think this is the best argument for them to use to get into the other persons pants. It also helps them look good if they tell their needed support group as they throw us under the selfish bus.”
Bingo!! I’m amazed at how many women fall for the “my wife doesn’t understand me….my wife doesn’t pay attention to me…blah blah blah.”
Mine has taken to using the word” situation” when asked what happened to our marriage. He has bumped into a few of our joint friends. Hee are some of his gems… ” I left the situation….. The situation was horrible. ….That situation I was in. That situation had me so depressed”
I am gonna start using it to sign off my emails and texts. It will take him 3 years to figure it out.,
amazingly, they seem to believe their own shit…”I left you a long time ago, Muse, I just never told you.” Really? doesn’t “leaving” usually entail taking your crap out of my house, changing your mailing address and eating and sleeping somewhere else? Oh yeah, he too, “had been miserably unhappy for a very long time,” after DDay revelation; found out later he was a serial cheater. So unhappy why the fuck was he with me in the first place? WTF
Yes Muse, it certainly usually works that way, but don’t feel bad. I have been divorced for over 30 days and mine has not picked his trash up yet although he constantly drives me nuts over it. Guess he thinks I’ll deliver it to him! Ha! Ha! And honest I would, but he has no real address. Do I drop it to his hotel room? Schmoopies dinky 950 sq.ft. Condo? His office at work? Gosh they are stupid! Mine made divorcing him and cleaning his financial clock as easy as falling off a log! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I believe their not taking their stuff is a way for them to keep a tether to us, and to keep us stuck. My stbx has taken very little, despite identifying everything he wants weeks ago. It’s now in the garage and if he doesn’t come get it soon, it’ll go to storage
Mine still has stuff here 6 years separated and argues that ( you have room and I do not). OW has made him get rid of stuff that he bought quite recently. He was using our son who still lives with me to transfer items to and from the loft until I got wise and insisted that he had to come directly to me.
Expatchump, yes, that’s what I’m leaning towards. Most of it is clothing he doesn’t even fit in anymore because he has lost so much weight he looks like the running gears of a katydid! The rest is military memorabilia of his and his beloved stamp collection worth zero! Useless junk! That’s what he was awarded in the divorce after 41 years of marriage! Sad!
Donate it and take the tax write off
when well-meaning friends asked him (after he stated how unhappy he had been for years) why he couldn’t talk to his wife about this”unhappiness”, he stated” oh there’s no talking to her .She just lashes out at me and is obsessive and goes on and on and on to the point that you can never talk with her about anything.” This of course making me out to be some kind of horrible vindictive verbally abusive monster of a wife which is exactly what he wanted me to look like in their eyes. As he looked like the victim. Of course ,denying there was anyone else in the picture. yep this is just a classic line that the cheater she is almost as common if not in combination with” I love you but I’m not in love with you.”. UGH!
Said both of those things to me just last night. He also said that WE are miserable with each other. I corrected him that I had not been miserable with him till now. Then he said ” well WE don’t have good time together.” I corrected him again on this. He tries to change my way of thinking and rewrite history.
“He tries to change my way of thinking and rewrite history.” yes Sabrina, I get that. And when I argued every point he made he got flustered and told me off for “confusing” him. Poor lamb!
Nat1 mine did and said the same…
…wonder if they are actually aliens? …they certainly seem to be from a different culture!!! Straight from hell culture!… LOL!!!!
Yep Sabrina. Mine said to me ” you haven’t been happy either.” I’m like wtf… don’t include me in on your narrative of bullshit. Solo sad that they all speak the same language.
It was pretty miserable being married to a guy who woke every morning and then spent every minute of his day sabotaging our marriage. Poor unhappy miserable sod.
Well this certainly hit a nerve. That was the line I got when I become suspicious and voiced them which happened about a week or two before the actual DDay. Yep, his happiness was not an issue before I got a clue.
I’m not happy and haven’t been for a long time.
Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage.
I’m depressed and I don’t want to end up like your Dad. (The dude has PTSD from serving in Vietnam you ass)
What if there is more out there? What if I would be happy somewhere else?
Yes, it was all about his happiness. His needs. His way. Nevermind that he completely disrespected the woman he choose for a wife. The woman who gave him a beautiful son. The woman who worked hard to make a happy marriage. The woman who loved her family to the Nth degree. The woman who kept her figure. Stayed active. Yes, and gave that respectability. And everyone knew it. That’s the rub for him.
Yes, this definitely hit a nerve.
Spot on Tracy!! Mine used the line ” I don’t know why I’ve been so emotionally distant and pushed you away. I just know that my mothers lack of affection, and all the stress of my business going under has made me so unhappy and stressed out, that my only solace was masturbating to vile and degrading naked pictures of teen girls.” ” Yes Irish, I was just sooooo unhappy!!! But it’s not about YOU. It’s about my horrible unhappiness. No I couldn’t possibly share this terrible unhappiness with you. You are unable to help me with my unhappy self. Only porn can do that.” I hurt you? Really? Well this has NOTHING to do with YOU! Don’t take it so personally Irish. It’s about my torment. My gutwrenching sorrow and loneliness. MY MOM DIDNT HUG ME!! DON’T YOU GET IT!!! No, of course not. You thickheaded, selfish woman. You cannot understand my unhappiness, so I will continue to play with my precious and get my comfort there.” Just don’t take it personally. Kay????l
Oh yes Irish, I got that line when I kicked him out. He walks by me and says, “I’m sorry I was so emotionally distant all these years”. I have no idea what that even meant.
I also got the “It’s not you it’s me”. Well, you got that right!!!
But later, after he left, he said that it WAS me. See, I didn’t sit on the couch with him. I read books too much. Sex was “just going through the motions”.
The truth is just way too inconvenient so these cheaters have to try to come up with something that allows them to continue live in their fantasy world without so many of those dang consequences.
conniered: “Sex was “just going through the motions”. ”
Mine said the same thing. In retrospect, he was right. By the time of his affair, I no longer liked him because of his emotional abuse and criticism, and I was no longer enthusiastic about intimacy. Wish I’d left then. He put me in a lose-lose situation.
Who would want intimacy with a person who devalued you? This is such bullshit from those MF’s.
Why can’t they say, “Honey, I am looking at someone else with feelings (or lust) and I want it from you, let’s work on it or I’m leaving”
Simple statement. But NOOOO, that’s too much energy that a “make me happy” wants to expend. YOU are supposed to jump through the hoops and figure it out. YOU should be doing the “pick me” dance to entertain the POS so that they stay faithful, happy. Surely the biggest fan knows what the star wants.
I felt like I was working a fucking RUBIK’S CUBE with a switched color block to solve the relationship problem while the POS slacked, ate his cake and watched. Passive aggressive fucktard.
This really strikes a chord with me. Fuck him, “Going through the motions”. Like we were enjoying sex with them while THEY were “going through the motions”.
Should have switched signs with the “make me happy” earlier and chucked the cube. He would have been gone earlier and saved me the years left on my life.
Seriously what is with that PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS!!!! took me YEARS to figure it out. and even then i did not understand it.
CJ…. BRILLIANT…. HYSTERICAL AND 100% SPOT ON!! Your comments are always informative & entertaining and what I call a crowd pleaser. Seriously…. one of us should become a fucking stand up comic and use this shit for material. Narc attack 🙂
I’m convinced they make it up as they go. They say things they heard in bad movies, or just whatever they think you will accept then watch your reaction, if you seem to fall for it, that becomes the official spin.
Right… and even when we don’t accept the spin, they use it anyway. He wanted to tell our son that our feelings for each other changed. Now wouldn’t that have been convenient for him. I did not allow that. It wasn’t true. Our son KNOWS the truth. Oh he hated that I told him….and also shocked that I would tell him the ugly truth. Dude, that YOUR truth. The one YOU created. Sucks to be you.
Mine started with I haven’t been happy in a while. Then it changed to “ever since our wedding day” then it changed to “I never should have married you”. When I attempted to point out how confusing his contradictory statements were I was met with “see I can’t talk to you about anything” I sat there bewildered reflecting on myself and my actions and cried. I actually bought into the crap that I was a miserable person. It took me nearly 3 years to pull myself out of that thought process
Ashley–I’m glad you pulled yourself out of that mindset, even if it took 3 years. Soul-sucking jerks, these cheaters, who prey on those of us with compassion.
I heard the same thing last week “I’d still be HERE if you weren’t such an unhappy person!!” I said “No… you’d still be here if you hadn’t taken up fucking random vagina because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants.” He left.
A P P L A U S E
😀 😀 😀
I got this too. And “you would have known that I was miserable if you had been paying attention! ” As if saying it made it so. I hate that he has rewritten our history to justify running to OW. At least my memories are mine and he can’t rob me of them.
“you would have known that I was miserable if you had been paying attention! ”
Self serving asshole.
Like you were put on this plant to pay attention to him and for no other reason. What an entitled POS. Another BLACK HOLE roaming the planet waiting to be discovered….oh wait….he was! There’s another chump out there making HIM happy.
Flowers and chocolates to the OW for taking away the burden of serving an asshole for the rest of your life. You must have had a want. A foreign concept to self-centered shitbags.
well i MIGHT have been able to pay attention if i wasnt sooOOOOooo busy paying the bills, robbing peter to pay paul, raising, disciplining, teaching and feeding our children, cleaning the house, fixing the house, laundry, chasing his drunk ass down, worried if he was going to come home or if he was driving drunk, decoding all the hidden secret messages as he trickled truthed me to death, policing all the sh*t he was sneaking and hiding, planing birthdays, holidays and vacations etc, etc, etc
you get the picture
THIS….
“Mine started with I haven’t been happy in a while. Then it changed to “ever since our wedding day” then it changed to “I never should have married you”.
Stbx has said many similar things or variations of this to me since DDay.
Sad thing is he asked me to marry him & he could have left at any time if he wasn’t happy. Now here we are 18 years later, married for 16 years, with an amazing 5 yr old child.
I hate him with the power of 1,000 burning suns!
This gives me the shivers, it’s all so similar. Mine also said his effort had been to tolerate me, his bad behavior (cheating, violence, belittlement) was only a reaction to my outbursts of frustration, our recent holiday (that I had paid for of course) had been ‘disgustingly bad’, his affair with the OW was ‘healthy, warm and loving’ and ‘we were not compatible’. I also bought into his conviction that it was all my fault. Not there yet, but moving forward towards the idea that I’m good enough.
Oh I got the “we are not compatible” line as well. I asked him who did he feel as though he was compatible with? Me, his ex-wife, his cheating partner(s), or his girlfriend who cheated on him in college? He picked the girlfriend who cheated on him in college and then uses the line that he can’t talk to me when I’m upset that he would take our 18 year marriage and say we aren’t compatible based on a college relationship in where he was cheated on. GRRRR!!!!
Yes, this makes perfect sense that he feel MORE compatible with the girl who cheated on him in college. If you had cheated on him, then he would have felt compatible with you. Because cheaters compare with cheaters. But since you did NOT cheat, because you were honest, loyal and trustworthy….he could NOT compare with you.
so sorry he did not appreciate you the way you should have been
its not us, it’s them.
Ouch. These were the second words out of her mouth. She started with ILYBINILWY. This was all news to me. When the hell was I going to be told?
Let me make a correction. I just saw the first email she sent me after I left her a note asking why she was so distant. It started with “Dear Mark, I’ve been very unhappy on our marriage for a long time. …. ” The first words out of her mouth after she next came home was the ILYBINILWY statement. This was out of the blue for me. I’m glad I have CL & CN to help me see the real meanings. Thanks.
I got that too Mark. That and apparently he’s been unhappy all along.. also go the “going through the motions”. 6 years before Kid 1 and 8 between the kids and all that time he was “miserable”. That’s a hell of a long time to be miserable!
No, no newchumpatl. 22 solid years of misery was what my x told me. This through the birth of our 2 children, first one born a year into out marriage and his idea. I wanted to wait, stupid me I should have, I wanted us to be able to go out and have fun and get to know each other better as married people. He wanted me to have a baby so that “I wouldn’t leave him”. Um, huge red flag, I saw as him being insecure. Fast forward 21 years and “he was too young” and me being 4 years older (apparently a huge age difference in his mind) I somehow connived my way into “making him marry me”. My daughter, that first baby, asked me, after talking to her father, if he had been a “child bride” and which one of his parents had “sold” him to me. Cause poor sausage was way too young to have been “forced into marriage” by evil and forceful me. He’s 5’11”, 210 lbs. and I was 5’4″. 120 lbs, ummmm yeah I was so f*ing forceful.
FREAKS!
Yep, Marked, I got that line of BS too! Straight out of cheater handbooks!
That would be: 1) Not until she got caught. 2) Not until she exhausted you as a kibble source. 3) Not until something made it too hard for her to maintain her mask, her false self. Pick one.
I heard from a friend that X told her–“I’m going to ride that horse until it dies.”
Apparently, I’m the horse in this scenario.
Yup
This is all part of the retroactive marriage history cheaters do. CL nailed that. It is funny how doing bad things can distort one’s perspective on these things. Maybe they are miserable because they did something truly awful–THEY LIED AND CHEATED on their spouse! It is hard to maintain one is a good person when reality is in your face. That’s true until they are fully deluded. This “I wasn’t ever happy” is just a stop-gap along that way to delusional-land in my opinion.
DM–I”ve done my own retroactive marriage re-writing. Since there were likely multiple other women in our marriage, and his deception put me in an unsavory and unacceptable position, I no longer consider us to have had a real marriage–just a polluted financial arrangement.
Yes! Just a financial arrangement. Because she lied so well I really had to re-think all my memories of her. Unfortunately, I’m finding it necessary to forget all my memories of her.
Very smart.
“Since there were likely multiple other women in our marriage, and his deception put me in an unsavory and unacceptable position, I no longer consider us to have had a real marriage–just a polluted financial arrangement.”
BAM. That’s it. That’s exactly it.
“Maybe they are miserable because they did something truly awful–THEY LIED AND CHEATED on their spouse!”
That’s an interesting idea, but perhaps only works for those individuals who are not truly disordered. I’m not sure my stbx every felt badly about what he was doing to me. It would actually be comforting to think that some of his terrible grumpiness around me had to do with him feeling badly about any of it.
I think it can work for the disordered as well when they realize they will have to work harder to manipulate once the truth of their cheating is out. Dunno. I realize some just do not care as well. My guess though is that this not loving is a lie they tell themselves after the fact to minimize what they did in their own minds or “justify” it.
I agree with you DM, at least in my case, because he admitted it to me. He said “I hate what this is doing to you. It’s tearing you apart.” The really disturbing part is that knowing it didn’t stop him. And of course it was what “it” was doing to me not what “he” was doing to be. Another subtle blame shift.
Personally, I feel the lying and abusive treatment of us will stay with all but maybe the vilest of them in some dark corner of their soul, never to be completely escaped. My EH moved out of town ASAP so he never has to run into me. He never could look me in the eye after discovery. I don’t see how he can ever be truly happy or at peace.
Thank you for that analysis. I had the “I wasn’t happy” thing thrown at me. Funny thing is, I noticed that things seemed weird in the year leading up to the marital implosion. I very therapeutically tried to address my concern that something seemed amiss. He denied, ever so sweetly and with much reassurance. He apologized that I felt there was a problem. “It’s just work, Sweetie. I’m so sorry you are worried.” But when shit hit the fan and it was clear that there was a problem, namely, he was cheating, SUDDENLY he hadn’t been happy for TWENTY YEARS. I call this, “emotional whiplash.” And then he ran straight out of the marriage and my life, and told everyone that he hadn’t been happy for our entire marriage and strangely enough, a vast majority of people believe that bullshit. Closed doors being what they are and everything. My daughter said, “Tell me he didn’t say that, Mom.” She knew what went on behind the closed door and it wasn’t unhappy. But, hey, whatever works. Whatever saves face. That’s all that matters to these fools.
Now I understand his,”I don’t love you right now” when compared to his,”No matter what happens, you will always be the love of my life.” Oddly, the second statement came after DDay, which made absolutely no sense. I promptly told him he had lost the right to say that to me, because in my (sane) universe you don’t cheat on the love of your life with a psychotic stalker! Guess he was in need of some cake…
Emotional whiplash: I got that. And emotional vertigo. I had to wait until he rewrote the rules to figure out which way was up.
Same here… and then I got I don’t think I ever loved you (after nearly 30 years of marriage). Try processing that one! It really played havoc with my psyche and had me questioning all the great times. Never did he say that he was unhappy until the end. He had been engaged before me and broke that off two months prior to the wedding, dated numerous women, and then we met and moved forward. Sure, we had some difficult times financially and emotionally (miscarriages and family deaths) but that’s life and I thought we handled all that was thrown at us quite well. When he was down, I was up and vice versa. And then he found the college gf (the one before he was engaged the first time); saved her as she was going through divorce because of her philandering husband, and now they plan to ride off into the sunset with him spewing “I think I’ve always loved her”. Twisted and delusional… upon autopsy I want his brain dissected.
Susan – “and then I got I don’t think I ever loved you (after nearly 30 years of marriage).”
Oh man, I got this after 34 yrs. I didn’t react at the time. I just couldn’t. I’m one that has to think things over instead of respond, besides, I was too shocked to think of anything.
This post is great for me because I’m NOT over those 3 sentences he said over 3 weeks. “I don’t love you”, then, ‘I don’t think I ever loved you..and then, “I’ve never been romantically attracted to you”. I mean, I was spinning for weeks.
And, the fact ‘we had problems for many years and he wasn’t happy’ – yep, news to me.
After he went to IC once, he came home and said I never should have married him.
Oh – I see. Is that my fault I loved him?
These heartfelt and sad stories really help us know we’re not all alone in these hurt words – that it’s just cheater-speak.
But, it sure is hard to forget those words.
I am almost sure I will never get over them.
No point to brain dissection- or I realise the relationship autopsy- “there is no there there.” (Gertrude Stein).
“We haven’t been happy for a long time” and “We’ve had problems for a long time and have almost split up several times before” was trotted out by X when friends/family members asked why I had left – had nothing to do with Schmoopie, remember, she was JUST A FRIEND. Both of those things were news to me, as he had never once told me he wasn’t happy, we never fought like some of our friends because I was a good little Chump and tried to smooth over everything, and no one had ever talked divorce/separation before Schmoopie!
Pre DDay (That I Know Of!) and deep into the gaslighting phase, during one of his Narc rages, X told me he had NEVER been happy with me, had always hated me and had just went along with it and kept his mouth shut so as not to fight. We dated for years before getting married. Married for years before having kids. If you had been unhappy from the start, why would you keep going?!
Mine did the same to me. Married 6 years before kid one and 8 years between kids.. that’s a hell of a long time to be miserable.
They are liars. Don’t buy it.
That’s ridiculous. You didn’t hold a gun to his head and make him date you.
Ah, but twist! Once Schmoopie dumped his ass, he was wanting to try reconciliation, and suddenly it was, “I just want my family back, I still love you, Kira is the best and sweetest, etc.” I even said, “What about all the nasty things you said to me? What about when you told me you had always hated me, never was happy with me, and just went along with everything so no fighting?” He said he didn’t remember saying those things and he didn’t mean them, he was just angry. WHICH IS IT? You either don’t remember or you didn’t mean them!
There are some things said that you just cannot take back, you know?
When my ex came back wanting bogus reconciliation (really just a con game to get out of paying support) I asked him about all the awful things he had written and said to me during the prior few months. He replied that he hadn’t really meant it and that he only said it to hurt me. What the hell was I thinking to agree to that reconciliation? Thank God I came to my senses eight months later.