I am a month out from D-Day. After noticing a bunch of suspicious late night phone calls, I “accidentally” saw some Instagram DMs from my husband to a co-worker (in which he referred to himself as “self-partnered” and sent a bunch of “miss you” messages with kissy-face emojis.)
When I confronted him about it he immediately confessed to a three month affair with this woman, and told me that he wanted a trial separation while he “figured out” his feelings. I went out of town for a few days to see friends and decompress, and when I got back, he was living with this woman! When I demanded to know what was going on he told me that he wished that we had never gotten married, and that he wanted to leave me “years ago.” He said that he might regret his decision, but that he would regret “not doing it” more.
The thing is, we have only been married for six months (although living together for 12 years)! It was just this past summer that he took vows to me in front of all of our family and friends, on a beautiful day that he declared “the happiest day of his life.” How could he change his mind so quickly, and discard me for someone he barely knows? How can he suddenly not love me anymore, immediately after publicly declaring his love for me? We hadn’t even finished sending out thank you cards for our wedding yet!
I found this site early on and immediately went no contact, but I do know that karma is hitting him pretty hard. I have (so far) made out better than him financially in the split, kept our pets and all of our shared friends. Since I live in a small city where everyone knows everyone, I know that many of his friends, co-workers, and even his boss were completely disgusted by his behavior, and many of them have reached out to me to tell me so and offer their support. And yet he seems to think he has done nothing wrong. When I initially confronted him, he told me that “things like this happen all the time” and that I would “get over it.” He also told me that he needed to be happy, that it didn’t seem like I had been happy in the marriage either (I was!) and that this was probably all for the best, since we should have broken up years ago (news to me! WE JUST GOT MARRIED!)
Chump Lady, the past month has been the most devastating of my life, and I am so, so, sad, all the time. I miss him (or who I thought he was) and want the life I thought I had back. But more than that, I want him to acknowledge or at least FEEL that he has done something awful here. I want him to know that he did something wrong and that his actions are NOT ACCEPTABLE. The thought that he gets to completely destroy my life and then walk away guilt free is eating me up inside. The thought that he thinks his behavior is completely fine makes me feel like my feelings don’t matter at all. When will he see how much pain he has caused me?
When will he see the pain he caused? When glaciers melt and refreeze into ice swan sculptures at gay Saudi weddings.
If he was the kind of person who cared, he wouldn’t be the kind of person who cheated. No one who truly loved you could brutally discard you this way, when the ink on the wedding thank you notes wasn’t even dry.
You’ll notice that for all your suckitude — how simply awful you were for so long! that he couldn’t break up with you! but was compelled by powerful unseen forces to vow eternity in front of all his friends and family! — he was mute.
You busted HIM. For three months of his honeymoon glow he was screwing around on you — content in cake — until you discovered those messages. Presented with a choice: a.) “I Am a Terrible Person or b.) Newlywedchump Is a Terrible Person, he went with option b. Why only a Terrible Person could make him do those terrible things! He’s not sorry because why should he be? You’re Terrible!
When I initially confronted him, he told me that “things like this happen all the time” and that I would “get over it.”
He’s gaslighting you. Of course it’s a big fucking deal. Him acting like he bumped into your shopping cart, or dinged your car, is pure mindfuckery. Let’s say it for the umpteenth time for the fuckwits in the back — cheating doesn’t “just happen” — it’s planned. He cheated on you with aforethought. Because he could. Because he’s a fraud.
How could he change his mind so quickly, and discard me for someone he barely knows? How can he suddenly not love me anymore, immediately after publicly declaring his love for me?
You’re untangling the skein. You can’t understand it because you’re not wired like that. He’s not that deep. He doesn’t bond like normal people bond.
I also had a D-Day six months after my wedding. I too was gobsmacked how someone could do such a thing. Turns out, in my case (and I’m going to guess yours too, I’m sorry), I was dealing with a serial cheater. Why would he marry me? He needed a chump. A respectable front. Money. A spousal appliance. Quite simply, I was of use. And so were you.
And the high stakes poker of it all — getting me to invest deeper and deeper in him — was all part of the thrill. My sorrow was a turn-on too. Kibbles! I care! These freaks hate the bad guy narrative, but they love the centrality. The only response is to stay NO CONTACT.
I want him to acknowledge or at least FEEL that he has done something awful here.
That’s giving him centrality. Every time you want something from him (answers, fidelity, your garlic press back), it’s an opportunity for him to abuse you.
Drop the “shoulds.” Should he feel awful? YES. Of course he should. He doesn’t. That’s the shit sandwich of injustice and you have to eat it for your own safety. No contact is more important. Don’t let this freak back into your life for anything! Not answers or lame apologies or kitchen gadgets you can buy for $8.99 at a CVS.
The thought that he gets to completely destroy my life and then walk away guilt free is eating me up inside.
A very wise woman who escaped a domestic abuser once told me something after my D-Day. “Some people destroy every life they touch.”
Your soon-to-be-ex is one of these Frankensteins. His punishment is being him. I know that feels VERY unsatisfying now. But he has to go through life a freak, never bonding deeply, never examining his shitty life choices, grasping for all the shiny ephemeral gimcracks. It’s much better to be you, however much it hurts now, you’re REAL.
And don’t let him destroy your life! Take that life BACK! Rebuild!
The thought that he thinks his behavior is completely fine makes me feel like my feelings don’t matter at all.
Your feelings matter. The problem is you’re looking to a fuckwit to validate your feelings. Hang on to your moral commonsense — of COURSE his behavior is completely WRONG. The only reason this feels mind-bending is because you’re asking him to agree. He has a vested interest (i.e., “I’m Splendid”!) to not agree with you.
Surround yourself with people who show concern about your feelings. Who treat you with respect and honesty. That’s how you dig out of this dark place, by loving yourself more than you love a fuckwit, and letting the right people validate you.
Oh and, don’t give two thoughts about the OW. He identifies as “self-partnered.” Which is about the truest thing he could say about himself. Good luck with that.
You’re out. Thank God. (((Big hugs))