Help! I’ve Got a Bunny Boiler

Definitely put in those security cameras. I’d bet she’s lurking around more than you realize. I’m wondering if she’s going into your house while you are out. In regard to reasons, I suspect FW is using you as an excuse for not giving her what she wants. As in, “I would marry you, Schmoopie, but alas, it would hurt my ex-wife’s feelings, and I cannot do that! She still waits for me, and I must give her time to adjust to her sad, single existence… blah blah…”

I wonder if OW do this sort of thing BECAUSE the Betrayed Spouse is being dignified, showing self-respect and making a decent life for themselves and and children the have? Because the LBS is not doing so much as a “pick-me-shuffle”, never mind a dance?
This might make the FW start to respect the LBS at least a bit, and see them as being of higher value, especially if the OW/OM, who is a bit of a head-case in reality, and doesn’t have much dignity nor self-respect, because the haven’t got much integrity and have a weak, immature character. So the bunny-boiler wants to drive the LBS mad so the can make them look like head-cases! “Look! Told you she’s a psycho! No wonder he prefers MEEEE!” It’s a sign things aren’t rosy in the cheats’ garden anyway, but so long as the LBS is fine, and the kids are OK, who cares! They’ve made their beds- pun intended!
Do do as CL advises though and keep records, inform the police and get a camera alarm system in the house as a nutter-deterrent!
P.S. I haven’t a clue who FW’s with now, as the first Schmoopie is “out” according to him, and he’s gone very quiet since I got the Gardai involved. I hope I’m not going to have to deal with this sort of rubbish though, because the sorts of birds he’d be able to pull would be DOG-ROUGH, so I’m not ruling nutters/headcases out!

i use a simplisafe security system with cameras. you install it yourself and can take it with you if you move. the monthly fee is very reasonable.

when you are in public, take a photo with your phone so you can document her stalking. no need to engage, just snap a photo. keep a journal of her stalking as Chump Lady says. the cease and desist letter is a good start and will formalize all of this so there is a paper trail.

i will never understand people like her and you and your daughter need to be careful

And enlist allies! Do you have a “Team MRTC”? If you do not, then create one. Then let them (surreptitiously) join you on walks, sport events, and have them do the smart phone picture taking. (Have them lag behind and begin their walk after the BB has joined yours. Get different people to show up at different times. Have them show up earlier (or later) at the sport event, and not sit near you.)

I know this is actually an earlier post. But having your very own Team when dealing with stalkers is a godsend. Also some of them can do a pretty good job of being a detective/investigator when dealing with a FW and their cheating-around-town antics. Lots cheaper too. (I knew some who would accept a NY cheesecake as compensation.) (OK, it was a really large cheesecake. With sweetened sour cream topping.) (Really, really Large.)

My ex-turd’s Schmoopie also seems to have a fixation with me. I have seen her parked outside my home a few times (up the street trying to not be seen). I also haven’t engaged. I did call the police & report. She gave them a bs excuse & they did warn her not to be around there again or they would charge her. Schmoopie also posts & continues to post things (4 years later!) that seem to be subtle attempts to provoke me (yes, I do keep an occasional eye on it to gauge for any threats or liability). Schmoopie could post them full-on boinking up on a chandelier & I couldn’t care less (thank you, Father/Mother Time!). A couple weeks after D-day, I sent ex-turd a warning (just to him, not her) that if his Schmoopie continued to send me harassing messages (“I won the sparkly turd stay away from him” type of messages) that I was going to get the law involved. The messages stopped, but then I got a lot of spam…. 🤨 I do have cameras & still to this day observe my surroundings when I step outside of my house. Schmoopie is majorly competitive & because of that, I think she is capable of anything if the ex-turd provoked her enough to bring out the green-eyed monster. My kids have told their dad to keep Schmoopie under control (and he likes to impression manage so he would not like it if Schmoopie went too far to shine a negative spotlight on him)….but then if he started cheating on her…. she might go looking for someone to blame. Be safe & don’t “normalize” stalky or abusive behaviour! especially by OW/OM because we didn’t invite them into OUR lives so they are in fact, intruders & strangers to us. Protect, protect, protect.

Read Gavin de Becker’s book “the Gift of Fear”. It has good tips to help your daughter stay safe too.

I don’t know why OW create a world inside their head where they become you/replace you, but many do. Maybe when they decide to have an affair with a married man, they want to figure out why he married you? Maybe they think they can be “Just Like Her, Only Better”. They may consider “taking” your husband means they get to “take” your education, work history, relationship with your children like a shoplifter steals a product from a store, without paying the price it takes to have those things. Maybe she is pissed because you didn’t “fight” for him, and suspects she now owns damaged goods? (She does and He does, too!)

She may have “Linked-Up” with him, but she will never be you. He may use you as leverage whenever she does something “less-than” the way you did things. He may have cheater’s remorse because he traded down. Who knows? The important thing to remember is her problem is hers, and your ex’s problems are his.

Take the advice about increasing your security, gather evidence if you can, and consider making a video of yourself which gives a brief history of the events and your suspicions. Make sure you leave it with someone close to you to give to the police if something happens to you. You may not be able to take legal action with your gut instinct, but it gives the police a lead. People who lead their lives on the edge of crazy are more likely to cross over the line, IMHO. I don’t want to sound paranoid, and I may have watched too many true crime shows or episodes of Law & Order, but it seems like violence is seldom random, and often is perpetrated on people by someone they know.

Hopefully time has passed and she has lost interest, or maybe cheater moved on to the next OW and she will get a new target. It takes a lot of time and resources to be so obsessed. OW sounds like an annoying insect buzzing around you at a patio party. I hope you find the right repellent to get her to stop buzzing you, and to be on her ever -unhappy way.

Oh, my goodness, I was so surprised when a friend of mine, GBOK, from the F*#k Thread in the old forums texted me that this letter was being rerun! What memories it brings back!

First, my daughter and I are doing well! My primary concern during my divorce was to try and do everything possible to safeguard her future. I’m happy to share that she graduated from high school with multiple academic awards and is a rising junior at a top notch college where she earned a merit-based scholarship. Porky Pig still bullies her (e.g. threatening to stop paying tuition if she doesn’t do what he wants her to do). He also constantly threatens to stop paying for her therapy. Trust me, I will bankrupt myself to ensure that my daughter continues in therapy as long as she needs/wants it – Porky Pig did a lot of emotional damage and I want to do everything possible to help DD heal.

With regard to Porky Pig, he’s actually kind of a sad-sack that I mostly feel sorry for in between wondering what I ever saw in him, if I ever think about him at all. He’s trapped himself in a suffocating marriage to Yoga Whore and he will never leave it because that would be admitting he was “wrong” for thinking she was the true, albeit LinkedIn, love of his life. Yes, he is exactly that stubborn.

Yoga Whore. Yup, she’s batshit crazy.

She did eventually marry Porky Pig. In fact, she chose my daughter’s birthday as their wedding date. I’m not sure you can get much pettier…

Here’s what Porky Pig’s marriage looks like (I know these things not because I ask, but because DD tells me and I don’t want her to feel like she can’t talk to me about things – I respond with “Cool. Bummer. Wow.”

• Porky Pig is only allowed to talk on the phone in speakerphone mode. She monitors all his phone calls regardless of whether they’re work related, or family members. She also joins every conversation whether she has any relevant things to say or not.

• Porky Pig teaches a night class at local university. She attends every one of his classes and sits in the back row keeping a close eye on his interactions with any and all nubile 20-year-old females. I’m fairly certain that she’d go to work with him too, if she had a security clearance and could get in.

• She continually harps on Porky to “sit/stand up straight.” Porky has a congenital spine defect and cannot. But she thinks, through her force of will, that she can and will correct it.

• She continues to stalk my daughter on social media, even though my daughter has her blocked. We’re not sure exactly how she does it, maybe a fake account?

Here’s the most recent story about her that happened a month ago.

I saw a job listing that looked interesting, but the post said to go to LinkedIn for a full description. I clicked the link, but then got a message that I had to be a member of LinkedIn in order to view it. Sigh. Okay, I set up a LinkedIn account.

However, in the process of setting up the account, I hit some kind of button that immediately began to send out invitations to apparently every single person I’ve ever known in my life. I watched in horror as the messages “Invitation Sent, Invitation Sent, Invitation Sent” flashed across the screen for the next several minutes.

About a week later, I was at a tennis match and saw the Yoga Whore there, standing against the fence staring. Huh? Again? Really? It’s been four years.

It took me a minute to realize that LinkedIn had probably sent an invitation to Porky Pig. He probably mentioned it to Yoga Whore and that is what triggered her spy/intimidation mission to the tennis courts.

Is it wrong that I think this is hilarious? That the very website that connected her with Porky Pig was the instrument that apparently reignited her insecurity over me. I mean, she knows what happens when the Pig gets messages on Linkedin, right? Lol.

Wow, being the “marriage police” must be exhausting.

Anyway, practicing the philosophy of Chump Lady got me through my divorce. I still call on those techniques today when I need them. But, one heals over time. And…

MehnyRivers is doing just fine!

Here’s wishing all the other chumps out there are too!!!

I agree cameras are necessary. Front and backyard. Motion sensor lights. Also a camera in garage is a good idea. I have one there. How did she get into garage? Is it secure?
Take pictures and video of her following you. Get an order of restraint. But you need proof. IDK the mindset of someone like that, especially if you bowed out and NC. Doesnt make sense.

So glad you are doing well, Mehny Rivers! And really glad you can laugh at her latest stalker move. You are Mighty Mehny Rivers!

The video camera advice is excellent for all chumps who are separated or separating. Cameras on the doors, cameras with motion lights to ensure an intruder will light up the whole yard at night. Make sure they are in fact hooked up to a monitoring source that will call the police at any sign of an intruder.

The fact that the OW got into Mehny Rivers’s garage reminds us to 1) make sure all doors have secure locks; 2) in the case of the garage, install an automatic opener if there isn’t one or get someone to install a system that requires an opener or a code. If an ex knows how to get in the house, change everything. Put a camera in the garage if it’s attached to the house, in case someone a in through a window. My own Ring system tells intruders they are on camera as they approach the house. You can also install a driveway alarm that can be mounted on a tree or the mailbox post so that when a car turns into the driveway, you get a chime inside the house.

Some of this is common sense. And CL’s advice to contact a lawyer about a cease-and-desist letter is great. But I would take it four steps further. In a case like this, I would hire a private investigator to follow her and take video and still photos of her showing up at events, stalking you on the tennis court, and following you as you walk your dog. You want evidence and someone who can testify in court. Take a friend to a venue where she is likely to show up to take photos. She can’t notice who all might be taking photos or recording her. Second, I would do a Mosaic Threat Assessment to see where your case falls on a model developed by experts in domestic violence protection. And third, in addition to sending a CC of the letter to local law enforcement and her employer, send one to the F*ckwit XH’s lawyer, with a short letter reminding him that his Schmoops is stalking his daughter as well as her mother. Finally, change your routines. Take different routes to familiar places like work. Leave at different times. Keep social media posting to a minimum and never post anything that reveals where you are and what you are doing.

But Mehny Rivers’s update shows us also the power of just ignoring a whack job like this one.

It’s another reason to have a DNE (Do Not Engage) policy with a cheating accomplice, and use lawyers and law enforcement to set any boundaries and run interference for you.

There is no shortage of murder cases related to infidelity, and I don’t assume it couldn’t happen to me.

Run don’t walk away from that mess and take every security precaution. One of the reasons I was so terrified of the AP in my married-to-a-FW saga was because of a situation that happened when I was a teen starting college that left me scarred for life. As the story goes, I dated an older guy right out of high school. My parents were never impressed by him. My dad felt he had no substance and said, “I could put my hand right through the guy.” I didn’t know it at the time but the first bf was probably a vulnerable narcissist, mostly a cerebral one because, as he’d casually let it slip, he had a “massive IQ.” Being 18, I was head over heels for about six months but my attention was soon absorbed by school and, when I had a chance to transfer to a college in NYC, I jumped at it.

Looking back, I can see that maybe I wasn’t as “flighty” and “immature” about drifting away from a relationship as everyone said but was just reacting to the fact that there was no “there” there with this guy. For instance, he had the classic Cluster B “rapprochement” reaction to my leaving town. We seemed to have a nice time dating but when I left for school, he went cold and sour and pretended he couldn’t care less. I was mildly hurt but so distracted that it didn’t darken my excitement that much. Once I was in NY, he never wrote, never called and would sound monosyllabic if I called him so I stopped calling. If he was punishing me with the infamous narcy “silent treatment,” it was going right over my head. I wasn’t a great coMmUniCaTor then, didn’t ask what was up and simply assumed it was fine to date other people– yay. Things in general were going really well– school, work, social life, dating– and it was a painless transition. But, on catching wind of some of my new adventures, suddenly this guy started calling me– drunk– to propose. He was a math nerd and, even if he cultivated a sort of alt-cool pose, I’d never seen him have more than a beer now and then. I was shocked and squeamish about seeing his “drunk” side. I took nothing he said seriously and just got off the calls as quickly as possible and forgot about it. He drove to NYC once and then expressed sadz that treated him like nothing more than a “buddy.” It left me feeling guilty but I found him repellent.

A short time later, he apparently hooked up with the daughter of a step-relative of my mother’s distant cousin (not a blood relative in other words) whom I’d sort of grown up with. But she’d always been weird and a little hostile towards me which made me feel vaguely guilty, as if I’d done something bad to her but didn’t know what. She’d met my former bf through me and the vague hostility had increased, like I’d somehow “taken” something from her. Long story short, the two of them called me drunk and giggling at 4am to invite me to their wedding. I went and they looked miserable through the whole civil ceremony and then called me aside afterwards to say really bizarre, insulting things to my face as if it was the planned “sacrificial scapegoat burning” part of the wedding. I’d actually been relieved the two of them were getting married as if this would tie together two vaguely guilt-inducing loose ends and they’d finally get off my back. But that didn’t seem to be the case and, because this woman was somewhat tied to my family, I started avoiding a few family events over the next year just to steer clear of a drama I didn’t understand. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell my parents these people made my skin crawl. 18, busy and not a great CoMmUnIcAtoR?

There was one family event that I couldn’t avoid and, while I was visiting my parents, I got lured to the former bf’s house on some pretext and errand. I walked into a scene of total horror. His wife had literally just been carted away to the booby hatch after cutting her wrists and overdosing. There was drying blood everywhere in splashes and smeared, gory hand prints running up an entire staircase. It turned out it actually wasn’t that much blood but on first glance it looked like several people had been violently butchered. In the middle of the carnage the ex was lounging cheerfully drinking bourbon at 1pm and joking about how his wife had “cut her wrists the wrong way” and had taken “insufficient” antidepressants and wasn’t that hilarious of her? And then he started hitting on me. I had no physical fear of this emo nerd but the whole scene sent me into fight or flight and I bolted out of there.

On behalf of my mother’s relatives, my parents made the gesture of going to the psychiatric hospital to check on this woman (it should be clear where I get my slightly misdirected empathy from). Anyway, guess what? My name came up as the “theme” of this woman’s suicide attempt. When my parents poked their head in to ask how this woman was, she began muttering about how they should know how evil their daughter was, that I had “deliberately” cast a shadow over her whole marriage and the former bf had never stopped “obsessing” about me. My parents were chilled to the bone and said it looked like a case of murderous impulse ‘turned inward” and that, if I’d shown up a few hours earlier, it might have been my blood on the walls. Amazingly, this woman wasn’t that seriously injured by the attempt but she signed up for shock treatment, then she and the former bf divorced. Before the papers were even filed, the former bf began sending me disgustingly sexual letters which I’d steam open, photograph as evidence in case things escalated on the advice of friends, then would reseal and “return to sender” to make him think I’d moved to an undisclosed location. He eventually stopped and I never heard from him again. But, to this day, the former bf’s ex wife goes around telling anyone who will listen that I had “always been jealous” of her because she’d “stolen” my boyfriend. I never bothered to correct the narrative and was just glad I lived so far away from that mess, especially after my parents retired in warmer climes and I never had to go back there.

Studies have found that so-called “mate poachers”– not to mention poachees– tend to be high in “dark triad” traits, particularly psychopathy. In my case, the poacher never poached a thing from me but the defining factor is that she somehow needed to view it this way and so did this malignant geek of an ex bf. For chumps own safety, we should probably take those reports seriously and automatically err on the side of extreme caution if any FW starts to act the least bit strange. Whether it ever clearly manifests or not, I sense there’s kind of a pall of death and violence hovering all around the margins of pathological triangulation.

I’m willing to bet that the OW and FW had an off-and-on relationship during those years. My FW swore up and down that the OW was just a former co-worker (much younger college intern, turned out) who out of the blue sent him a letter, seven years after they’d last worked together/communicated. He didn’t even know how she’d found our address! I eventually discovered they’d had a two-year affair that began back then, and they’d occasionally been in contact in the interim. She’d also been following his YouTube channel (a/k/a our life on display, but with me behind the scenes) the whole time, as well.

Another OW was off-and-on for five years, overlapping that time. When FW confessed this to me as part of his fake remorse/Hoover/radical honesty act, he claimed they’d only had a fling for a few weeks, while I had been away, then completely cut contact—and that she was scary, and a mistake, and someone he wanted nothing to do with. (“She practically raped me” was one of his lines.) I found intermittent correspondances from that entire time and learned that there were also times when she’d drive hours so he could sneak out to run “errands” (fuck in his truck) while I was at home. I’m sure what I learned was only the tip of the iceberg, but it was plenty to condemn him as a shallow, shameless, duplicitous POS.

I knew nothing about any of this when it was happening, had zero suspicions of cheating for seven years. As so many other chumps share here, my ex only revealed what he perceived helped his cause/helped him gain the upper hand. It was all about controlling me and the narrative and getting whatever he wanted at any given moment. If I discovered something that undermined his narrative and control, he’d scramble to get it back and would covertly interrogate and prompt me to elicit what I knew/didn’t know in order to begin to spin a new web of lies.