I Feel Stupid for Buying All Those Reconciliation Books
It’s been 10 years — can she get rid of all those reconciliation books now? She cringes to think of her pick me dance phase.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’ve been going through my storage shed. Something I have avoided for almost ten years. Plowing through the old sentimental items from the past is doable now, but still brings up memories.
I happened upon a tote stuffed with help-me-figure-this-sh*t out books and it made me feel like a fool.
All the trying to do better, be more, love harder, be sexier, trying to forgive.
The books stared at me.
So many different titles. We had had a marriage others envied, 20+ years. The last book we both read together had been given by a marriage counselor minister — Passionate Marriage. By David Schnarch. Have you heard of it? The counselors, two of them, never addressed the cheating of my ex. Who cheated again two years later.
He would remain with the 20 years younger woman who had been cheating on her husband with two men. Both from work.
GR
***
Dear GR,
Glad to hear you’ve been spring cleaning. Ordinarily, I’d say donate books, but why inflict such rubbish on innocents? Recycling Reconciliation Industrial Complex books would be like pouring used motor oil down the sewer. It’s going to get into the public waterways and kill something.
It’s okay to trash or repurpose your reconciliation books.
In fact, there are entire Pinterest boards devoted to up cycling books. You could make toe tags for dead relationships! Origami effigies! (Watch me fold my needs into smaller and smaller pieces and stuff them into the recesses of my soul…) You could line rabbit cages! Or feed them to goats!
I happened upon a tote stuffed with help-me-figure-this-sh*t out books and it made me feel like a fool.
Please don’t feel like a fool. Most of us went through the pick me dance. It’s a normal human impulse to try saving a dying thing. And there’s an entire industry trying to profit off your suffering by convincing you that you — single-handedly! — can control your fate and win back a FW.
All the trying to do better, be more, love harder, be sexier, trying to forgive.
Where were his reconciliation books?
No, seriously. Why is this sh*t marketed to chumps? Why isn’t the cheater trying to love harder and do better? Or forgiving the chump’s faults? You know, those faults that compelled them to create dating profiles on the down low? Where is THAT library?
The publishing industry aren’t idiots, Tracy.
I know. False hope sells. And if you’re a splendid cheater, why would you buy a book full of recrimination and self-chastisement when you could lose yourself in the lap of a much younger affair partner instead?
We had had a marriage others envied, 20+ years.
Don’t be so sure about that. Often people are aware your ex is a serial cheater and you’re the last to know. But I understand missing the lie.
The last book we both read together had been given by a marriage counselor minister — Passionate Marriage. By David Schnarch. Have you heard of it?
The victim blaming is baked in.
No, I have not heard of it. But offering you such a book implies that your marriage lacks passion and that by spicing up your love life you can tether wild dicks. The entire premise is insulting. The state of your marriage — for good or ill — didn’t create the terrible character of your ex. Spicing up your marriage is something you do in an INTACT marriage, where both people are committed. It’s not a recipe for winning back a person who has been unilaterally risking your health f**king strange.
The counselors, two of them, never addressed the cheating of my ex.
Of course. Because his sexual entitlement is assumed.
Did you speak up? Did you yell HEY! WE ARE HERE ABOUT HIS INFIDELITY! If not, why not?
I was a grief-stricken, bereft person in thrall to unicorns, Tracy. That’s why.
Changing the narrative starts with us. Call these charlatans out on their quackery, people!
And throw their books in the dumpster.
CN, what did you do with your old reconciliation books?
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To the OP I’d like to suggest burning them in a cathartic exorcism ritual of sorts.
Or, better yet, donate them to a library or church or DV shelter but a few pages in, cross out the content and put a message to read “Lose a Cheater Gain a Life” instead? Like a secret message to chumps.
I like the idea of annotating them to call out the bullsh*t prior to donating. Sounds both informational and cathartic.
If no animals available for cage lining, they might make good compost? Papier mache? I do like the idea of making an art project out of this drivel…
Little Free Libraries are everywhere.
Maybe only the least awful can go in there after you cross out the chapters and replace it with a better book recommendation
Preface: Don’t waste your time or energy on this book. List resources to local DVC/ advocacy places
Chapter 1) Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life
Chapter 2) F*ck Feelings
Chapter 3) 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life.
Perfect. Do either of these, first will feel great however second may change another suffering chump’s life.
Maybe half/half (break the chump habit of doing it all for the good of others).
Some books should not be “released back into the wild” for someone else to read. I would put them in with my cardboard recycling in the hope that they end up being pulped and turned into something useful.
LFTT
Oh, I remember all the books too! I tore them up, shredded them and recycled that stuff!
As to other crap from FW, I burned it in the firepit while drinking wine with my girlfriends! All the nasty little emails and notes that he either mailed (he was blocked except divorce communication went to am email established just for that), all the evidence (post finalization of the divorce) that I had including receipts, pictures and so on (my lawyer had copies) and pretty much everything else ( wedding photos, etc) went up in smoke. It was healing.
I am just glad that battle is over now for almost four years!!! New Chumps, there is an ending to this and life is peaceful and calmer on the other side.
I destroyed the books, workbooks, all of that RIC crap. Waste of space. I also destroyed all reminders, photos, anything of the FW. It was barrels of trash. My wedding ring was cut in half and buried in the yard. But not too near the beloved dead pets that were also buried. I cropped him out of group or family photos I wanted. Cut him out with scissors of hard copies. Took plenty of time. Most of them went through the shredder. Please do not gift those books . They are harmful.
THe dunce caps belong on the cheaters and the side pieces.
The books are evidence of a kind and loving heart. Cheating and being a side piece is evidence of a heart that is missing altogether.
My Amazon chump phase books went into the recycling bin.
LACGAL has a place of honor in my library.
♥️
PS….I did get a piece of excellent advice from one of the books, Just Friends by Shirley Glass.
In it, she wrote, “A man with a history of infidelity is a poor choice for a life partner.”
Incredibly and ironically and paradoxically, this line is located in the chapter entitled To The Affair Partner…..
🤯🤯🤯🤯 🤯
When I packed up and moved out, I had not yet heard of Chump Lady. Still, when I saw all that useless RIC propaganda, I decided to destroy it instead of send it back out to give some vulnerable soul the Pick-Me-Dance steps.
Recycle them!
That way they’ll actually be good for something!
When I went through my Amazon Chump phase, I wholeheartedly believed I was the sole problem that needed to change, and if I tried hard enough, I could “fix” what was wrong with me, and things would get better.
It wasn’t until the types of books changed that the question became, “What’s wrong with me?” and “How can I fix it?” to “What the hell is wrong with them?” and “How can I better protect myself and my family from their crazy.”
Leave a Cheater Gain a Life was a watershed moment.
I used to be a big fan of burning things as a way to “release” myself from their hold on me but it felt less cathartic and more performative when I realized I could just treat it like the garbage it was and toss it in the trash with zero pomp and circumstance those things now can spend the rest of their days decaying next to dirty diapers in a landfill for all I care.
While I like to think that I have mostly reached a state of “meh”, I have not yet dealt with the memorabilia of the 20 years of my married life. Photos, videos, save my marriage books, wedding album, wedding souvenirs etc… The only thing I did was sell my wedding band for scrap value when gold prices peaked a few months ago. Bought myself something nice.
Of course my ex FW took no momentos of our marriage or our wedding when he left. By default all this crap was left for me to move. I have put it in a storage closet where it has sat untouched for years.
I am reluctant to simply chuck all of this into the trash as some of these photos and albums are of people who have since died, and of whom I was very fond.
The job of separating the wheat from the chaff seems too daunting right now. Plus I am far too busy with my new life to wade into these memories now. It will have to wait until I decide I need the space for something else, or if I decide to move and declutter.
I’m in the same place. It’s as if the reptilian alien pretending to be human, shed its skin/old life and moved to a new one without a backward glance because hey they’re busy suckering in a new source of Narcissistic supply!
One of the first things I did was pawn my engagement and wedding rings alas too cheaply before gold went to $5000 but cathartic.
I threw some stuff in a big box and left other items in boxes all over the house. Some day I’ll sort through them because there are likely photos of friends or myself that I want to keep. Right now, I’m too busy with new life, new photos of the kids and fiancé.
GD,
As regards our Wedding Photo Album, I let my now-adult children go through it and take any pictures that they wanted to keep, and what was left went to landfill. My eldest daughter has my wedding ring; she travels a lot and knows that if she ever needs cash in a hurry, that she is to sell it and not think twice.
LFTT
That’s a good solution as to what to do with your ring. It may get your daughter out of a tight spot someday.
My mom sold the gold in hers and kept the diamond. She had it made into a pendant.
Oh, yes. I recycled the books that were recommended by inept counselors. Why put them back out into the universe to further traumatize and confuse those who were purposely being traumatized and confused by their betrayers.
After years of explaining what I needed from Cheaty McLiarface to heal from his affair and general womanizing, I did find a book that offered hope in that it spelled out exactly what I had been asking of him. Appropriately titled “How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.” A whole entire eighty six pages long. Silly me was still smoking up that hopium that something would make him understand and want to step up. Turns out that Dr. Simon is correct. It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they don’t agree.
I agree with Dr Simon so much, but I would change it to “It’s not that they don’t see it, it’s that they don’t care”
I recycled all of mine, along with Christian marriage books that were just horrid to me after all that I had been through. My ex was from a family of preachers and missionaries and preached part-time.
I did keep the Gottman books, as they provided something I felt was more balanced. I still have those and have loaned them out here and there.
And I found Chumplady not long after the divorce was final. Good timing for me as I sifted through what I had been through. And led to Divorce Minister and his book. All good!
I don’t normally condone book burning but in the case of RIC BOOKS, I would. I do like the idea of lining pet cages with them, though.
My pile of books caused me deep humiliation and told the story of my life:
Protestant Christian How to Have a Great Marriage books
Protestant How to be a Great Parent books
Catholic How to Have a Great Marriage books
Catholic How to be a Great Parent books
Catholic How to Rescue your Marriage books
Men Are From Mars Women are from Venus
Depression Fallout
The Power of a Praying Wife (and more of this ilk)
When a Spouse Wants Out (and more of this ilk)
A Widows Walk
I remember intentionally splitting them up so that no one could open a box and see the tragic trajectory of my life. Those books are all gone and I hope that most of them went into the recycle bin for the reasons CL mentioned.
My library today…years past my first marriage and betrayal. My husband 2.0 bought me a beautiful antique book case with glass doors and I have filled it with travel books that guided my adventures which are well documented by the 27 Shutterfly photo books of trips to 4 continents. (To those who choose not to travel or cant travel…I remember in my pre-travel days feeling like I was talked-down-to by people who travelled and I want to say here that travel doesnt make me a better than anyone, in fact, Im considering stopping because I learned that I really enjoy being home which is a perfectly valid choice)
I also have a book which was required reading for a bachelor level Ethics class which included what I saw as an error. I contacted the well respected author and explained my thinking on a specific point. Sitting next to it is an updated version of the book which no longer contains the error. There are also books that I was requested (by a respected publisher) to review as a content expert.
There was a big purge after Cheater died, but I rebuilt my library slowly. Some of my accomplishments detailed in my library are things my sad, betrayed self could have never imagined. Im now retired and no longer trying to set the world on fire with my ideas but (like here) I will occasionally toss something into the Universe and hope it reaches the right person.
Please dont be ashamed of your steps along the way…they can be part of getting you to where you need and want to be.
“I also have a book which was required reading for a bachelor level Ethics class which included what I saw as an error. I contacted the well respected author and explained my thinking on a specific point. Sitting next to it is an updated version of the book which no longer contains the error. There are also books that I was requested (by a respected publisher) to review as a content expert.”
I don’t know why, exactly, but this is so beautiful to me. Perhaps because it tells me you found your voice and your confidence again. I know FW stripped those from me and it took me a long time to get them back. I don’t know if that happened to you, but if that’s the case – I’m so happy for you. And even if that wasn’t your situation, you should still be so proud of yourself.
You are exactly right about what happened to me. Cheater was a covert narc who bashed away at my self confidence every minute of every day. In every single life-circumstance, he set me up to be the loser (or “wrong”) so that he could perceive himself as the winner (or “right”). My parents did the same.
I was in my 40s before I even started work in the subspecialty of healthcare where I was eventually successful. I consider my magnum opus to be an article I wrote on the bioethics of my specialty. In some ways, I eventually hit the ball so far out of the park that dwelling on my various detractors is unnecessary. Thank you for giving me the chance to remind myself of this.
Thank you, Unicornomore. The journey through hopium and attempted RIC was indeed very painful. But, I reflect back on it now and realize, it was a set up and a result of the “crazy making” that FW, marriage counselling (Gottman), friends, family, society, Google, all contributed to. So many told me “it’s a mid-life crisis”, etc. Also, many put the blame on me, as I suffered a nervous breakdown from gaslighting.
“How to fix your marriage” propaganda is a Money making factory and it’s hurting innocent people.
Please know Chumps…
Just keep looking towards the light and you will pull yourself through.
I’d like to echo Tracy’s “where were *his* reconciliation books?” (Spoiler: None. There were none.) I found this site before I found much else, thankfully, although I spent enough time wallowing in the WTFness of what was just thrust upon me without any guidance, not unlike the time a large ocean wave knocked me upside down and I tried not to panic and waited for it to pass before righting myself. I was provided a copy of some book about non-monogamy, which he tried to push me into far after the marriage was already open but I only just found out (you all know the spiel). After a bit of indigestion over that nonsense, the book was donated to the library, hopefully to be used by people who are actually trying to do it correctly and ethically. There was sadly not a lot of sorry or fake sorry. Waiting for him to make the first move as far as the possibility of any reconciliation went ended up being very telling.
I got a “nonmonogamy” book from him, and “monogamish” BS from John Savage, and also he educated me about “polyamory” AFTER he started cheating with the Ho-Coworker and I was blindsided by the news of his infidelity/double life. This is after 30 yrs of marriage. He went to a therapist that told him to read a book about why he cheated but he never got the book so of course I got it for him and gave it to him and he never read it, left it here when he finally ran away because I wouldn’t go along with his open relationship crap.
You can make Christmas trees out of paperbacks! Fold the top of each page inward, and fan them out into a stylized tree. Then spray with the paint of your choice. Metallics are festive. Yes, I learned that in Girl Scouts in about 1964. And they look like it, too. I have recently learned that burning “household” items outside is against the rules here where I live. Check for rules & safety, if you can burn them, build a celebratory dinner around the event. Bonfires are awesome. This is a notice from the Fuck Reconciliation front.
If you have a fireplace, rip out the the pages and use them to help light the fire. Or you could spread them under mulch to help suppress weed growth in your garden.
My husband of two years immediately found a therapist after I found out he hadn’t quit dating. He came home and said his therapist diagnosed him as a sex addict, that he just couldn’t help it. He handed me a book his therapist had given him to give to me. I was furious, I had already considered divorce because of his poor hygiene, his laziness, and his selfishness. I was carrying the household while he disrespected our marriage – and he gives me homework? What about our short time together was worth fighting for?
I did end up reading the book after the divorce finalized. I annotated all the RIC bullshit with snark and donated it to a friends of the library sale.
On the title page I left a note recommending the reader get LACGAL instead.
I didn’t end up with many. Just some of the workbooks (intimate betrayal, etc), 5 love languages, letters to a sex addict. my ex bought some books also (of his own decision- back when I think he tried to self-improve): his own workbooks, a lot of Brene Brown, some on parts work. I read some of the non-workbooks and when I asked him why I wasn’t seeing him Implement some of the ideas and suggestions in the books, he stopped buying the books or wanting to discuss them. that was yet another nudge for me on the way of moving ne away from him.
I still have the workbooks, some books, and my notes. though it’s been years since I left, I can’t get rid of them yet- that pain still needs to be seen. when I’m ready they will be recycled.
Some encouragement for the pick- me crowd and those who stayed too long..not understanding the basement hidden life.
Today in the news, there is the story of Rex Heuermann who murdered and took apart 8 woman AT LEAST and was into porn that became increasingly graphic. He is now 62 so killing woman for decades..like since age 40??. I quickly flipped to the story of his 27 yes 27 year marriage to ASA and his 2 adult kids. Asa just divorced Rex in 2025 after the investigation included DNA from her husbands half eaten pizza- found in the trash( motto:always finish your pizza!)Matching a victims evidence.
Ok so ASA says she had NO CLUE her husband was a serial cheater and serial murderer in cold blood, NO CLUE. He was said to be a nice quiet architect and the neighbors thought this was a healthy family living on Long Island. So when I didn’t know about my 2 Exs basement activity for years and only guessed that something was wrong…well then think of Asa and thank God for the clues your finally took to heart.
I unfortunately put all.the books about “saving my marriage alone ” or the ones about living with a man addicted to porn ..into the Goodwill Bin. I’m sorry now. I had 2 hamsters🐹🐹 and could have shredded them for bedding instead of paying the big bucks at the pet store$$$
For anyone that found all my books and bought them cheap.
I beg your forgiveness.
I seem to recall reading somewhere that the BTK killer’s family said they had no clue what he was doing.
I just watched an interview with a woman whose father abused a hundred boys, sometimes right at home in a garden shed out back and may have killed some. (LAD Bible on YouTube) He also abused her brother. She, her sister and her mother had no clue.