‘I Haven’t Been Happy for a Long Time’
The other week someone asked me to decode, “I haven’t been happy for a long time.” (Also sometimes expressed as “WE haven’t been happy for a long time.”)
It’s trotted out when the chump is looking for an explanation as to why their family life just blew up.
Well DUH. “I haven’t been happy for a long time!”
This statement presupposes a number of things:
A) That the cheater’s happiness is the most important thing (and is a valid answer to the Why Did You Commit This Dreadful Betrayal?)
B) That they’ve silently suffered for a long time and gee whiz, isn’t it time AT LAST! that they experience some true happiness?
And…
C) How could you be so dumb that you never noticed how unhappy they were? Heck, how could you not notice how unhappy YOU were until they pointed it out? (WE haven’t been happy for a long time.)
This sends the chump into apoplexies of self reflection. Well, yes, I am sometimes unhappy, but it passes. Or… hang on, how could I have missed my spouse’s cosmic misery? Apparently it was long and went on for EONS. Am I just that insensitive?
Of course you have no way of challenging this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” statement because you are not in their heads. You have no idea what they feel. So if you say, “BUT YOU LOOKED HAPPY. You had kids with me! We went snorkeling in Barbados! You drank the coffee I brought to you every morning! You said you LOVED your birthday slippers!” the cheater can just say, “Nope. I wasn’t happy.”
But you looked happy. Happy enough anyway.
“No, I was full of sorrow. Every minute. My life was a burden of grief and misery. At night I used to gnaw at the invisible chains that kept me tethered to you.”
Oh.
So chumps, how are you supposed to interpret this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” crap? Here’s a few ways to look at it:
1.) Take them at their word. Okay, you’ve been a miserable sod for decades. You, cheater, are responsible for addressing the things that make you unhappy and adjusting your life accordingly. While as a loving spouse I want to support you, if your needs are not communicated to me, there is jack shit I can do to help you.
2) Don’t accept responsibility. If the cheater was so unhappy in the marriage, they had ethical ways to go about ending it — beginning with honest conversations, therapy, and divorce lawyers. They could’ve gotten out honestly before they told all their “troubles” to a sympathetic fuckbuddy.
3) They’re bullshitting you. Cake is delicious. They were probably perfectly happy with you and the services you provided — paycheck, child-rearing, air of respectability. It wasn’t until they were busted at D-Day that their Great Unhappiness was revealed. Blameshifting their “unhappiness” on to you is an invitation to do the pick me dance. Oh, you’re unhappy? How can I make you happy? I can control that! I can WIN your happiness! Let me TRY HARDER!
And guess what, they’re probably pulling the same shit on the affair partner. Oh, my marriage makes me so unhappy, but I must stay for the children! I am a noble slave to convention! Woe! And the affair partner goes, I will PROVE to you that I can make you happy! I can control your destiny! I can WIN!
Cake, cake, wonderful cake.
This one ran previously. I’m sure they’re still “unhappy.” Not your problem.
Strange that was his exact words to me. Stunned by it. Now it makes sense.
What unhappy people have in common.
And it’s not you.
https://www.flourishtogether.com/self/a-potent-strategy-for-handling-hurtful-inconsiderate-people.html?s=11332
Same here. Cheater McGee claimed that we were never in love with each other. He said he married me because he wanted a family, and I married him for the money, so we both got something we wanted, but we never really wanted each other.
What a load of crap. When I married him, he was totally broke, living in a trashed-out mobile home and in debt. If I was going for his money, I made a terrible decision, as he clearly didn’t have any.
But that is another of those “impossible to disprove” claims. I can say, “We were in love! Remember the vows? Remember the songs you wrote for me? Remember the babies we had together and the plans we had and the life we built and all the times we said we loved each other?”
And he can just say, “Nope. We were never really in love.”
Oh.
Carol39, Cheater McGee flipped the roles on you just like mine did. After Dday, my ex said, “I was in this relationship for emotional reasons while you were in it for financial ones”. I said, “You have that flipped.” (SStain owes me almost $90k!)
I hear that sort of nonsense from my ex-husband, who drained our accounts, partly to discretely pay prostitutes. He was in debt when I, fully employed and not in debt married him. He claims that he paid for my education—no, the military and various universities paid for it through scholarships and fellowships based on my years of study.
They’re truly delusional when it comes to money.
I couldn’t figure out where my ex’s money was going. How was it possible he couldn’t afford his share of the bills? I now know that hookers, cocaine, gambling, alcohol and affair partners are expensive. Glad he’s gone! Almost 8 months no contact and life is so much better.
Cheater MadLibs…
Substitute the word “dishonest/honest” for the word “happy”……
They use words differently than chumps….
Oh this substitution makes much more sense now. After the cheater told me how unhappy he had been for such a very long time, I went on to say that happiness comes from within, that no one or nothing can make you happy but yourself. He had zero response.
Then 2 months later around D-Day, I said to him that I hadn’t been happy for a long time either and I didn’t cheat. Even though he accused me if cheating at least two times and then some. I had caught onto him way before this, he just didn’t know it then.
….”dishonest/honest” for “unhappy/happy”….
Ooooooo. Impressive.
Same here. My response to him was, “I wasn’t happy either, but I didn’t go out and have an affair.” Crickets.
I had a similar response, and her rebuttal was, “Well, I’m sorry I’m not perfect!” I was speechless at that. It doesn’t take a perfect person to be faithful.
I agree I wasn’t happy though out our marriage , I didn’t go off and have a affair, I stayed and took care of our family , our home Why do they only think of themselves.
He said and I said this exact same thing. Crickets as well.
Good one. Short and sweet.
My cheater wife tried this (But I already knew from reading that I could expect it!), and I said incredulously, “What?! I’m not to blame for your bad behavior! Holy crap! If I thought about All the times that I could have fooled around when I was dissatisfied somehow? Geez, I guess I could still have had one or two of them still going on the side, right now!”
It’s stupid.
I want a chump woman date forum or something, but I totally get what Chumplady says about it. A new hunting ground for people like our exes.
Me too, I mean how can I ever be with someone who wasn’t cheated on ? He would never understand my paranoia ????
My ex claimed #2 only after he was busted by one of his multiple simultaneous affair partners. He proceeded to tell every one we know and our 4 kids that he was miserable for years and “what about his happiness- didn’t that count?”
It’s the pity channel recording set to loop.
He probably was miserable and unhappy (secretly) because nothing was enough for this guy and it’s stressful to live a double life.
What are the chances that 6 years later with multiple failed relationships under his post-divorce belt he’s figured out that he is the common denominator to his unhappiness. I’ll go with 0%…Blameshift blackbelt that he is.
Ho worker lol
Same here. Those were his exact words as he explained to me that he had found happiness with his younger ho-worker. Ours was a 12 year relationship. He will never be happy. I now live three states away from them.
Same here too. And I should make him happy by letting him do what he wants when he wants.
Oh so sad and they so “deserve to be happy”.
From “The Phases and Warning Signs of Relapse” by Terence Gorski….
“Immature Wish to Be Happy: I have a vague desire “to be happy”’or have “things work out”,
but I don’t set up any plans to make those things happen. I want to be happy but I have no idea what I can do to make myself happy. I am not willing to work hard or pay the price for the happiness that I want. I start wishing something magical would happen to rescue me from my problems.”
(Page 11, Phase 5, section 3)
This booklet is about the relapse process of an alcoholic/addict, but really sounds to me like the premeditation to an affair as well….
VelvetHammer, so helpful and spot on. I hear many from things from my STBXH that could be easily the voice of an addict and/or alcoholic.
There is a clear link between narcissism and dependency.
1. its easy to have a relationship with a bottle. Bottles etc don’t have needs. (quote from IC)
2. something has to fill up the empty hole and the boredom
3. therapists have noted the remarkable similiarity of children of narcissists, and children of acoholics.
Patsy,
Alcohol’ism’…..narciss’ism’. If the ‘ism’ isn’t addressed all you have once an alcoholic has stopped drinking is a dry drunk. IE someone who wants the results of the program without doing anything….another description of entitlement….
Yes, indeed there is a marked similarity. Al-anon is filled with people whose lives have been trashed by blame shifting and gas lighting. The alcohol/narcissist may never recover but the victims can and do.
VHammer
Yes, just like in AA recovery. Other quotes include ‘Want the results of recovery without doing the work’.
Or the lines in the Big Book – restless, discontent and irritable – no shit Sherlock. I remind myself that the BB was written when those guys had about 2 years of recovery and their good old leader, Bill W. was a flagrant 13 stepper and little old Lois was certainly a Chump extortioner. Bill never worked after getting sober…..that left good old Lois paying the bills. A different era then and she didn’t have the options we had today but I still do wonder why on earth she put up with his BS.
I digress.
I have learned a new name now for the ‘ism’ in alcoholism….when the alcohol is taken out if the ‘ism’ isn’t treated you still have narcissism to deal with and all the other disordered behaviors that accompany that. For the sober alcoholic that was in my life that included $$$ issues, sex addiction, technology addiction, food, work….and I was clueless until I found CL. Put a whole new twist on understanding the alcoholic personality.
Elderly Chump don’t get my gay marxist male therapist started on good old Lois and her masochism!!
Thanks for the chuckle this morning.
I just wish she had CL and CN back then. She did disregard the chapter to the wives in the BB as the backbone for al-anon. Just what al-anon needed – the disordered person telling the spouses how to treat them….yes Bill wrote the thing vs asking Lois to do it….He let he do everything else for him but clearly didn’t want her thinking for herself and her recovery.
Luckily today al-anon has updated literature and it continues to be refined as more and more is learned about addiction and its effects. Change is slow though but there are those of us who keep pushing the envelope to broaden the umbrella about alcoholic behavior – drinking or as dry drunks. A lot of really smart young people coming through the doors to and they are not as naive as we older ones were when we first found al-anon.
Thanks very much for this reference
They think they are doing something about their happiness by having an affair. Our happiness isn’t their problem. It’s on u to figure out how to make ourselves happy while they are checking out and we have no idea what the heck is going on.
I actually think that cheaters cannot be happy ….they rely on outside stuff trying to make themselves happy ….where as us chumps mostly are just happy people by nature …..i know that i m pretty easy pleased and have a sunny nature …..people commented often how my ex was a bit of a “stick in the mud “….i hadnt actually noticed it ….possibly projection on my behalf..because i can clearly see it now in hindsight …and i am glad to be free of him
Yes, they think they are doing something about their happiness but they aren’t really. It’s just a temporary high.
My STBX said all that – ‘I haven’t been happy in a long time’ (really, we have two children under 6?), ‘I’m not sure we were every right for each other’ (and it took you 20yr to see this?). And the kicker – before DDay when I was in blissful ignorance – he said to me that I need to start taking responsibility for my own happiness (when I said to him I needed to go get a coffee). Translation: I’m taking responsibility for my own happiness with my ho-worker.
It’s all blame, blame, blame. Funny that it only came out after I found out about the affair. I think others are right – cheaters will never be happy because they are not happy with themselves.
I have learned that it is one finger pointing at us while three point back at themselves. In other words, I not see that anything the wasband said about me was actually a statement about himself. ‘CheaterSpeak’
Bu wa hahahah. That’s my evil laugh on bullshit mitigation.
Do NOT let these idiots try to spin the betrayal as a WE problem. No way. Squarely articulate to these assholes and their audience why the blame is 100% on the cheater. Because. if they were at all honest about their shit and issues, they would have informed you via an honest, transparent conversation.
I don’t know if you would be visiting this site if you were emotionally invested in a person who displayed and lived their lives with good character and integrity.
When spoken by our cheaters, “I haven’t been happy in a long time” comes with an implicit “. . . and because you are a major cause of that unhappiness, you have an outsized responsibility for alleviating it.”
You hit the nail on the head.
It made no sense. We struggled s lot the first 7 or so years of marriage. He worked midnights. We lived in a 60 year old house that leaked.
Fast forward another 7 years, we had moved, built a new life, he had positions and promotions, and more than he ever had. We had our 4th child.
But then the running around started. When he said goodbye after helping me move away, I begged him to get help and fix things. His response: But nothing will change, and I haven’t been happy in at least seven years.
I don’t think he’s capable of being truly happy.
I moved from Switzerland which I loved (and great job) to DC for him cos that’s where he wanted to go. I got a job at the World Bank then 2 years later he insisted we move to Pittsburgh (to be nearer mommy) so that “Attie can be happy”! Two years later he still wasn’t happy so when I was offered a chance to take back my old job in Switzerland he jumped at the chance (me too of course)! Five years later he wanted to move to Montana to build a log cabin! I told him there was no way I was giving up another good job so that he could follow another of his “5 minute dreams” but if he wanted to go out there, get the great job with all the wonderful expat benefits that I had then I would consider it! Needless to say that didn’t happen. I mean seriously how COULD I expect him to be responsible for his own happiness! Yeah I know, I’m a bitch like that. He was supposed to snap his fingers and Attie was supposed to make it happen. How ya liking it now duck head?
Love duck head ????
He really means I don’t want to. Too much work. Greener grass, etc.
That’s when we realize they are shallow and useless.
Sometimes I’m glad for these obvious flaws. It makes it easier to believe the person I was with for 24 years truly does suck now.
So true. My STBX said to me that it was too hard with me. He had ‘nothing left to give’. And he had plenty to give to schmoopie!? She was easy (more ways than one) because she offered easy kibbles and he didn’t have to do anything.
I got a version of “too hard”. The ex told me “it got complicated”. Boo hoo. Poor sad sausage, had to move on to uncomplicated shmoopie. I’m betting he’ll treat her as well as he treated me and he’ll find himself in yet another complication.
Shallow and useless. Sums it up pretty well! (So hard to even imagine being like them because of how most of us are!) I still lose my breath a bit from how spot on these posts are!
And this one reason why the chumps who were that the cheater will be “happy” with the OW are looking at things the wrong way.
“I haven’t been happy in a long time” just means that, unknown to the chump, the cheater had moved into the “devaluation” phase, in which the chump can do nothing right anyway. It’s a rigged game to be involved with someone who can’t make honest commitment.
We’ve glorified “being happy” in this society. It has trumped and nullified commitment, loyalty and doing right by your children. It makes it easy to say “I’m not happy” because society believes being happy is the be all end all of life. Happiness comes from being content with what you have, or changing it if you don’t in a noble way. It is not usually something external that needs to be changed, but something internal to make us “happy.”
Yes! NJSC, Yes! No where, in life or in book or in theory, has any spirit or being declared all are entitled to a lifetime of happiness. Marriage vows clearly state for better or worse. Some people’s worse involves cruelty, depravity, evil, or silence and abandonment. But, when someone says they haven’t been “happy” in a long time, either a) they are a true martyr – putting up with the injustice in hopes of becoming a saint; or b) they have days, as everyone does, when they wish for more, or want more, or think life owes them something else. Those days come and go – and happen to all of us. But, most don’t give up on those closest to them in the hope of more because they know that’s just selfish, unrealistic, vain, or childish. It’s like this idea of “happiness is owed to me” has overtaken society as a whole. What’s forgotten is vows, promises, obligation, love, and life – full of it’s ups and downs – sorrows and joys – good times and bad. Marriage has lost it’s meaning to “happiness” and all the selfish runaways that strive to find it instead of having it grow within.
It’s been five years since my ex left with no explanation other than “we haven’t been happy in years”. This was unknown to me – we sure seemed happy. Last night I stupidly asked him by email what I had ever done to deserve his abandonment and cruelty. Thirty years together – and five apart – and he still could not supply me with any justification. Just crickets… How can someone do that? Oh, I know, I guess they found happiness.
^^^Yes. The whole concept of “happiness” has actually become a trigger for me, in part because its definition is so vague. In First World countries, I think it’s a symptom of late stage capitalism, in which we’re used to getting our basic needs met almost all the time, so people move up Maslow’s triangle toward self-actualization and feel bereft if they’re not totally “happy” most of the time. Craig Malkin’s definition of narcissism is the inability to turn toward others in vulnerability, and instead seeking to feel special like a drug to soothe oneself. I think many, many people in modern America at least are looking for this magic elixir that doesn’t require hard work amanda integrity: could be alcohol, could be drugs, could be affairs, could be gambling. And then the rest of us who show up and do the work are maligned as not carefree enough to be truly “happy.”
LezChump,
Yes, I agree here and it is an age old truth in any culture throughout history. Self-will run riot. I can see it happening on a personal level with people like the X wherein nothing makes him happy and I see it on the bigger scale in our culture….as a country we have everything and still want more….nobody stopping to take a look at what we do have or to question the very notion of happiness itself as being an ‘outside’ issue. Indeed if things could make us happy then why aren’t we happy when we have so much. Obviously something is very wrong here.
If OW could make him happy then why isn’t he happy now? If a new job could make him happy then why isn’t that making him happy now? If a new tech toy could make him happy, then why isn’t it making him happy now?
Happiness is fleeting, the more one chases it the more elusive it remains.
Methinks joy is more deeply rooted in our hearts and souls. The mere joy of waking up to a new day and being able to go about my daily routine taking note of all the little things that come my way and the ability to give thanks for what I do have. For what does remain now that wasband is out of my life. That is HUGE.
I like your ‘taking note of little things that come your way’, EC. Seeing an eel in our local river, noticing birdsong at dusk, spotting someone with a particularly amazing hairstyle, looling at clouds. All these things made me happy yesterday. It’s the key to life I think, looking for “the magic of what happens”. Long may we have that joy in life! X
Sorry, *hard work and integrity
My cheater pulled this one. I wanted to be a good example to my daughter, Teach her how to stay true to herself and show her how her father should stay true to himself and keep his integrity intact by following his happiness. WORD SALAD I asked him if he should’ve been modeling other things like honestly?Tenaciousness? Respect? Family values? His promises?
Nope, none of that mattered, just his happiness. That’s the honorable thing he had to model to her.
Well, can’t argue with that ????????♀️
Do they listened to themselves! You are right you can’t argue with that lack of logic!
Dudders, that is the *most* ridiculous justification I have ever heard! Didn’t act like a girlfriend? OH HELL NO! I’m your *&^%$ wife! We have adult responsibilities like that daughter! Grow the heck up, buddy. I am self-righteously angry on your behalf.
Yup, he can’t bear for his daughter to see him like this and she wants to her to see what a good healthy relationship looks like. No more Mr Grumpy Toad. He asked her apparently if she thought I was his girlfriend and she said no, you are mum and dad. He took this as categorical evidence that I didn’t act ‘like a girlfriend should’. Another attempt to manipulate to match the narrative.
WORD SALAD indeed, he also told he wasn’t the type to give up on his responsibilities but I was making him ill.
Shovel that shit my way why don’t you. What a weasel. Looks like a weasel too.
I apparently was also failing to model what a positive relationship looks like to our children. He told our late-Teen kids that I was obsessed by the consumerist construct (I was working my guts out to try to pay all the bills because he was blowing so much money on alcohol, technology and as it turns out, fine dining other women), I didn’t like fun so I didn’t let “anyone else have fun” (oddly, I was not okay with his drunken escapades with other women and him posting about them on FB while we were married, and I was so boring (felt that way to me too as I was working 60 hours a week and doing everything inside and outside the home and parenting three kids by myself while he was off chasing women). And then after he left, he told lots of people that “we” hadn’t been happy in our marriage for years. A lot of wasted effort on my part trying to keep it together and feeling like it was my responsibility to keep him happy. After 27 years of marriage, I was so shocked when my psychologist told me it was not my responsibility to manage another person’s feelings and keep him happy. I had become completely lost in that impossible task over many years. Looking forward to celebrating the one-year anniversary of my divorce in a couple of weeks!
Oh yes, I had too many material ‘things’ too. Too much ‘stuff’. Evil woman that I am. And he told me he was worried about money while he was taking her out and we came up with an agreement to put all our money through the joint account that we both had always had access to statements etc. Guess what, he didn’t. Wonder why?
I will never let the ‘we’ narrative stand, that is really something they can’t own whether ‘we’ were happy or not.
Congrats on the anniversary, I was not married (of course he’s straight into engagement with OW no surprise) but about a year too and just think what an awful waste. I truly deserved better as did we all.
Did he act like a boyfriend? No? Then I assume he’d have been okay if you had cheated? No? What, you mean to tell me his standards only apply to him? Whoda thunk it. A cheater with double standards.
Mine found me inadequate because he preferred a skank who would cruelly come on to other guys right in front of him, then cuck him, but was jealous of the attention I paid our dogs and my favourite news show. Lol. They are loco.
OH MY GOD Dudders! Modeling happiness for his child. My fuckwit cheater has hinted at this sentiment. Asked our daughters to meet the woman for whom he blew up the family–the one he was with when he missed their recitals and birthdays, the one he vacationed with when he was too busy for our family trips — he asked them to meet her because she is “important to him” (unlike their mother who is dismissible). It’s the same attitude, the same total narcissistic oblivion to the feelings of others. But yours actually articulated this and came up with a bullshit reason that his cheating is a GOOD LESSON for his DAUGHTER? OH MY GOD. I have no words for that. I am so sorry for you, and for your daughter. I hope she takes life lessons from her mother, not her father.
Ah well of course at that point he wasn’t cheating right (guffaws). Well he didn’t know I knew. He was going to go off and allegedly spend many lonely nights just as he’d had many lonely nights when he’d been with me. He will spin us anything he thinks we’ll believe and of course you have to be very careful what you tell our daughter so the pair of them have done a right number on her. I can’t bear either of them. Especially the way she is all over her. Literally no boundaries. I’ve learnt a lot about boundaries of late. I can’t believe madKatie that he’d introduce OW like it was a privilege to meet the woman who actually makes him happy. Is there a scale like the richter scale for self-centredness, sadistic and crass behaviour?
Liar. Cheat. Narc.
Mine said “Ill find someone that will love us all” meaning her and our children. This was during all of her gas lighting and during that time it was impossible to help her to be happy. I know now that she was checking out and did not want us to be happy because then she would have to admit that her affair was just for her sake, not for the sake of her family.
Now two years later both children live with me and we are a family together. She has her new man and nothing else. I cant imagine what she is feeling, but she acts like she feels nothing but happiness so maybe she got what she wanted. Shortly after she left she said “I dont have to do it anymore…..cooking, cleaning, running kids” Maybe she got what she wanted…..no family anymore. Some of us just arent cut out for family I guess, wish she would have told me that when we met.
How did you end up with the kids? What was your legal strategy?
Stay strong brother! I’m hoping mine turns out the same way where she’s leaves and it’s just me and the kids. I can only hope though.
And he should have won an Oscar for his stunning performance of being fake happily married considering how “unhappy” he truly was.
Dude should be a millionaire with acting skills like that.
Also, in most cases (including mine) the cheater directly or obliquely indicates that the CAUSE of unhappiness is . . . the chump: Her parenting style, his financial conservatism, her cooking, his nerdiness, her sexual inhibitions, his unspectacular income—all insufferable. “I did this to you?” we ask in shame and horror. All the more reason for the chump to dance like Fred Astaire on Mountain Dew and crack.
I was given the I have not been happy speech. The blame was cast upon me. Later, I discovered communications with her male friends. She told them she never wanted me just used me 20 years prior to get out of a poor home life. The males told her how she DESERVED to be happy. And the message they were sending was they were prepared to assist her if she just would drop her pants. I take her words to them as being closer to the truth. I was used for 20 years as stability and a paycheck. Once the kids were independent, she started pursing the true life she desired. I really never factored in to her life or her plans. None of us really matter to them. Not a any point in our relationships.
Wow I am sorry that had to happen to you. It sounds like my stbxh. These single female friends that are “ helping him in this tough time” after him moving out on his family. They want him to be happy! And have fun! You know our spouses, they just deserve to have fun! They deserve to have single opposite sex friends and sow their wild oats.
Once the kids were up and grown seemed to be the time he could cheat then bail. My son almost graduating from college. My daughter in her freshman year. Told me he’s not helping my daughter with her college. She’s on her own. He said if I want to help her I can, but he’s not. He is such a POS. ( I seem to end all my posts with what an ass he is). I guess I’m realizing what an ass he really truly is)
Yep.
I said “you’re just leaving our family?!?”
He said “no, just you.”
I got told that as well!
Of course it is BS.
Turns out he was juggling 3 of us: me, OW and Old Flame.
When OF popped out of the woodwork 3 years later and the children forced him to tell me, he said ‘our family will continue, albeit in a different form’.
Dick.
Now the children tell me I should be thrilled to be free, he is their problem now #FamilyLove
Mine too…..but turns out she was leaving the whole family.
Holy crap!!! He said the exact thing to me and the kids. “ I left you, not the kids!”
One of our children is suffering with abandonment issues. Lives is a treatment center. Did not take it well to say the least.
But I can’t get her therapist to just say he was ****wit and only you can change to manage the situation and feelings for yourself.
They have now spend 8 months trying to see that the turd is still a ( untangling the poop skein) good man just made a bad decision.
Yes he made bad decision #1 then #2 and a year later continues to do so
Visiting days are twice a week and you have only flown out ONCE in the past 13 months since you have been gone to see here? Nope not a good man—-maybe be was a shining Apple before he with through the let’s have an affair and leave the family so I can go live near mama and old girlfriend digestive track.. but he has definitely by been digested and pooped out a turd. Doesn’t even care enough to put sprinkles on it just a turd.
She is 16 she knows what a turd is STOP making it try and sparkle.
But best line from the therapist “we have a 100% success rate of children not killing themselves when they complete our program”.
Now that is same major “mind ****ing”. Going today to have a “conference” basically I will have every treatment word used on me “you don’t trust us” And “it takes trust for us to work in harmony to create a safe environment for her”
Her “safety is our highest concern” and no is we try x y or z it will not be safe for her…so much bs so much today it is over flowing.
Just admit he is a turd and realize the Tuesday will come and stop sugar coating her cheating, lying, leaving, money hoarder (whoradar) delinquent paying DAD!
Hang in there. Trust your gut as you help your daughter through the shitstorm he created. You are strong and wise. We are rooting for you!!!!!!
Why not just get her out of that place and find a better therapist? It sounds like the lunatics truly are running the asylum.
A “good man who just made a mistake” causes his daughter to be sent to treatment for over a year and then only visits her once. Oh please. Tell them to go straight to hell. No competent therapist would think lying to a kid is “treatment”.
I know that some kids are more resilient than others, but I think my adult kids and one teenager are all far more mentally healthy because I talk to them honestly, and do not follow the traditional advice of “not speaking badly of their parent”. When a parent does hurtful things to the entire family, I believe it is emotionally abusive to pretend that it doesn’t hurt. If you admit it hurts, and listen sympathetically when the kids share their pain then I think that is far better than not talking “badly” of the other parent. My kids are doing as well as possible. My STBX is mad that we talk about it. He would prefer to sweep it all under the rug. We are happy. He is unhappy. Go figure. I hope your daughter is able to find happiness despite her crap parent. My advice is to tell her she is great, doesn’t deserve any of this pain, and that you will always love her.
Totally agree with you! Why not let the kids know that the cheater spouse/parent has deficiencies , issues or is just a crappy, selfish shithead. Once the kids know the cheater parent is the problem there will be far less future therapy bills. The kids won’t feel “less than” and hopefully there will be far less jumping through hoops to please the cheater parent. Narcissists love to make everyone feel like they just don’t measure up.
Karmmamma
Glad you wrote this. I have older children too and they were around watching when all of their father’s behavior went full blownwacko. He was mad that I told them the truth about what was happening but, as a child of divorce, there was no way I was going to cover up for him and his shitty behavior.
One of my children will talk openly and sees clearly what had taken place – from the get go she saw it clearly while I was still in the dark. The other 2 don’t talk about it and my approach has been to let them be the ones to bring it up if they want to. We are all still reeling from wasband’s actions since his behavior changed so drastically – TFC cheater personality type – covert passive aggressive narcissist….
I Call BS Recently I read in a book about recovering from relationships from narcissists that conventional therapy is not much use because traditional therapists simply do not get it. The author recommended finding someone who knows how to do deprogramming – the stuff people who have been in cults need to recover once they see the light.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Read up and keep educating yourself since you know your daughter better than anyone else on the planet.
Mine said those exact words. And then after a “counseling” session with our Pastor also dropped this painful truth bomb, “You just don’t do it for me anymore “. That one took a while to recover from after 18 years ago.
From my sad sausage last boyfriend (who I thought was my friend for 30 years and most noble man ever), ‘I want to run away from you!’ and ‘My love for you hasn’t grown.’ interspersed with the occasional ‘I love you.’ I thought, ‘Did you ever truly love me?’ I think I know the answer—-sadly, no. What a mind f—k! To him, I was just an ego stoker, cook, companion (like a concubine who wasn’t paid), bed warmer until he found someone he did love, the young work subordinate who is now his second wife. His responses and lack of responses to me still pain me two years later. I seem to get approached by incompatible and often downright creepy men. I wish that I did not want a decent romantic partner so I wouldn’t feel as though I were really missing out. I often tell myself that, for the most part, I don’t miss him and our relationship—I miss the illusion of him and our relationship. I find myself noticing and being attracted to married men in my female-dominated line of work, but I won’t ‘mate poach’—and no decent, compatible guy has expressed any interest in me for nearly twenty years, so who am I kidding?
Nancy C.
I love it that so many of us get fed the same lines – takes the uniqueness out of my situation and the fantasy life I was living although at the time I didn’t know it was a fantasy…..30+ years together and he was cheating for most of that time and I was clueless until he finally decided he had to confess. I got told a similar thing but his words were , ‘I want passion in my life’….I about choked on that one as we are both well into our 60’s…..
He left chasing passion and now I live in peace. Didn’t realize how little peace I had been living in until he left and the dust settled.
I love recovery and all who post here. Each new thing I learn brings more freedom into my life and I didn’t even know that I hadn’t been free. I thought I was living my dream…
yep, that is what I got
My ex said exactly that too.
I also was fed this spectacularly vile line, as he’s packing up his shit and rushing to leave the FAMILY home – not just my home, but the family home, where our 3 children and a dog lived. I actually gave that line a lot of thought at the time. What a waste of head space – time and emotional energy that I can never get back. The phrase ‘serious douchebag’ is too kind for these dim-witted fuckheads.
Chumpchange9,
Get this– The after I pushed forward and said, “but you always said family comes first and now you’re leaving your family?”
He looked at me like I lost my marbles and said “family does come first, I’m not leaving my family?!?”
I clarified, “I’m your wife, I AM YOUR FAMILY and you’re leaving me.”
Then he said “but it’s the best thing for my family!”
I said “what? it’s best for the kids?” (obviously referring to the rest of the family)
He said “No, you know, my mom and sister and auntie and uncle”
WUT?!?!
(Sister is 33, mother is 65, Auntie and Uncle are in their 50s) They live on the other side of the United States, they loved me as his wife and we did not financially support any of them.
What in the fuck was he talking about?!? Dude’s lost his mind, and it was literally at this moment that I realized what he was saying was fully insane.
Once again. WORD SALAD.
P.S. My cheater couldn’t get out fast enough either.
Unexpectedchumpiness: Makes zero sense. At least you were smart enough to quickly grasp that your Cheater-boy was completely nuts. It took me a long time to figure out the same about mine. It was shocking to realize that an otherwise extremely intelligent professional man, could say such nonsensical bullshit in his personal life. Bottom line – I mistook his intelligence for character.
Chumpchange9
“I mistook his intelligence for character.”
That made me think of another line..
“I mistook your silence for intelligence.”
Nope not intelligence after all. Now I know he was silent because all of his thinking was centered on his withering and wandering 60 year old balls.
Chumpchange,
This was the only conversation that we ever had, six months after he ran away, after I had time to think straight and ask pointed questions. I wish I could say that my brain was functioning well in the beginning (Spoiler alert—it was not).
And yes, it was literally PTSD shocking to me to see a smart, professional, logical, sparkly, responsible man spout such bullshit.
And truer words have never been spoken “I mistook his intelligence for character”. Thank you for that.
I also used to listen to his words and I took them at face value. Silly me.
“I mistook his intelligence for character.” Helpful. Thank you.
His Auntie and Uncle would somehow benefit from him dumping his family? That’s so insane it’s hilarious. I think he just said it because you had him dead to rights on spouting bullshit, and he couldn’t think up anything better to justify saying it was “best for the family”.
I got that same line, “I’m leaving you, not the kids.” What a bullshit mindfuck!
Og gaaaawd, not that. Right, and leaving you would have no effect on the kids. The way they rationalize is infuriatingly stupid and selfish.
Mine said; “I wasn’t going to leave the family! Just you!”
What, I’m not family anymore because you got a taste of whoring? Dude, I AM the family. I birthed those kids. I raised them while you played Donkey Kong and read science fiction. You’d have no family without me because you’re so dumb, you couldn’t raise guppies.
These people have a lot of nerve.
“…you’re so dumb, you couldn’t raise guppies” – hahaha, perfect. Best line of the day – still laughing as I type. At least we can summon up a laugh at the antics of these pathetic losers.
Laughing at their absurdity helps me, so I figure it must help some of my fellow chumps as well.
Yeah, I got that “just you” comment too. And the “I haven’t been happy for years.” I don’t believe it. We were happy before he started visiting hostess bars on his trips abroad and got addicted to a certain kind of fantasy. I was there. We were happy. He had to justify his cheating to himself and the story worked for image control too…….
Fast forward 4 years, I’m getting really close to Tuesday. My house is exactly how I want it, my friends and job are great, and my kids are doing as well as can be expected after losing their father so unexpectedly (I have 100% custody by his choice while he’s off with 25 year old girlfriend -he’s 52).
Kids have never been to his place (he moved away almost immediately and my teens were having no part in the every other weekend travel deal). So he comes to my house to celebrate Fathers Day and his birthday. (His idea, what a narc! Hasn’t seen the kids for 2 months -what exactly are they celebrating?) My daughter dutifully makes him his cheesecake and the kids and him go out to dinner and then return to my house for cake (only the food kind!). Yesterday he texts that he’s thinking of me, that going home Sunday was the saddest time of his life, that he misses our family and wants to spend more time with us.
Hell to the no! I’m not going to lie and say I’m not thrilled that at least for a moment he realized what he’s done and what he lost! But while I’d love for him to spend more time with the kids, I’m busy for the rest of my life. No room for cheaters who broke my heart here. There are many young women looking for viagra using men who seem to have a deep wallet. If OW is losing her shine, find another similar model!
Thank you, GettingThereSlowly, for sharing this. Mine, too, with that 23/51, now 24/52 age split, humiliation along with the lies, gaslighting, $30K to-date that I know of supporting the affair–lots of getaways that I believed were for work–and it all happened seemingly overnight. For months, when they were traveling together, he’d send me selfies in bed and now I know she’d have been right there on the pillow next to him (or worse). I’m 4 months out from DDay. I get it, all of it, but I can hardly believe it.
I got that awful line, too. Plus, we seemed to be quite happy before he got addicted to the fantasies offered by creepy porn. Same thing. They are all addicted to some fantasy or other and it MUST be met. Reality sucks when your mental and emotional age is two and you have to live in the adult world. God forbid they should have to suffer the agony of not living out their infantile fantasies and experience adult reality.
They’re nothing but cartoon cut-outs. It’s should be legal to shoot them, as there are no humans involved.
Just kidding. Kind of.
GettingThereSlowly: I could have written every word you wrote— even the timeline is the same- DDay was 12/27/14. GTFO day was 5/20/15.
Only difference is that after I divorced I moved into a house with my significant other so there’s added bonus of XH cheater (married 25 years) NEVER being welcome in my home. Too bad so sad for him. I gave him so many (too many) “second chances” during the fake wreconciliation and leading up to the divorce trial but he never took the actions I demanded (post nup, year of abstinence and intense therapy for him, polygraphs — thank God! How insane!). He only has himself to blame.
Yes, my STBX only gets upset when I say he betrayed and lied to his children (which he did). I believe a lot of this is image management – it’s okay to throw away your wife/husband, people judge a lot more when it is your child. He still only does stuff like dinners out – no responsibility – why would he – “it’s not fun”. He came from a fucked up family and now he has fucked his own up – what an asshole. I am not a perfect wife but I loved him and supported him. If he was truly that unhappy he could have stopped spending all the family money on himself and told us all so we could go find our own happiness – his needs were always paramount. Basically it was never going to be enough. Now that my kids are graduating he doesn’t need me anymore – I was good enough to raise his kids but not good enough for him (I believe I was way too good for him).
Mine sent the child psychologist an email, telling her to establish with our daughter that ‘he never lied to his daughter ONLY to the mother chump‘. Psychologist (immediately putting me on cc) gave him this for an answer: When you tell your daughter daddy comes home late at night because he is at the office working, while you are somewhere else having an affair, you are not telling the truth. We call this lying.
Amen!
German Chump,
Your therapist’s note made me laugh. Simple and straight. No frills. “We call this lying.” That is a line I shall remember.
Thank you ever so much for sharing.
That is spectacular! LOVE IT! Hahahahaha
GermanChump, shake that psychologist’s hand and tell him/her thank you. We hear so much on these boards about terrible, ineffectual therapists. Yours sounds like a breath of fresh air.
Mine told me “we don’t have anything in common” … Then attempted to give me “homework” (hey, do another dance for me). He tells me to write down the things I feel we have in common so we can discuss them. No Thank you. I think this is something “they” came up with and he wanted me to play the game too. I wasn’t going and I didn’t do it. As we grow we change so I wasn’t about to HELP him prove to himself that cheating on me was okay
Mine said, more than once – ‘You married the wrong guy’
whatever the F that means!
Those are on the same page in the cheater playbook as ‘we don’t know each other do we’ I think don’t you? Thank god for this site or your head would be mangled with this crap.
Mine also said “we have nothing in common”. I responded, “It’s hard to find things in common with me when you’re focused on another woman”.
I also got, “We have different priorities”. Yup, that’s true. I believe a monogamous relationship is a priority, he does not.
The idiot was right about that, but not for the reason he thinks. It’s absolutely true that cheaters and chumps have nothing in common. Except for the STD, of course. Other than that, since we are human and they are an alien pod race who merely pass as human beings for public consumption, we’re not even the same species.
Pfffft! Standard cheaterspeak line of hogwash. A variation of “we have nothing in common” is “we drifted apart”. Adolph uses that stupid line to this day, 11 months later. No, shit for brains, we did not drift apart. Your penis drifted into a whore’s vagina and voila! we were apart. I was completely unaware of this penile drift so there was no “we” involved. When a cheater uses the word “we”, what will follow is invariably a lie.
Chumperella, I got “we drifted apart” too. That’s the one he has been telling his family (they like me).
It’s all the same crap wrapped up in different colored word salad.
I also got “we have different priorities”. This was shortly before DDay. Now I know what he really meant by that.
It never ceases to amaze me how eerily similar these disordered people are.
Yeah, seeing you having a good life without him just gave him alllll the sads. Can’t you dance a bit more?
Mine said that exact same too, Unexpectedchumpiness.
He also said to me, “You are no longer a part of my family.” Nice, hey?
Oh, and he’s a “Christian”. Also known as a Wolf in Sheeps Clothing/Son of Satan.
“He also said to me, “You are no longer a part of my family.” Nice, hey?”
I realized a year after the divorce that my ex never ever really considered me a part of his family.
CC, that’s really sad and I’m sorry he did that to you/made you feel that way.
I got booted out the family as soon as I started telling his dirty secrets that I hid for over 20 years. And also when I started standing up to the narcish, son-worshiping MIL. I let her manipulate me and walk all over me for a very long time. When I no longer stayed in line, I got thrown in the trash like I was garbage. MIL said she’d “never accept that woman (the one I caught him cheating on me with) into the family”. Well, I’m sure they are thick as thieves now and of course I’m the bad guy, not her pathological lying, serial cheating, porn addicted masterbating, stripper fucking “perfect and special” son! Good riddance to that family who took great joy in using me to do all the work! After I told her off, it was like a weight was lifted off my back and in all honesty, there’s not one single person I miss in his family. I always felt like I was being used and was of use to them if they needed something or someone to listen to them talk about themselves. As they say, the garbage took itself out!
We didn’t have kids. The relative of mine that he’d been a sort of father figure to for a decade didn’t even register with him. But he sort of knew the cats were part of family? So one day when I was petting them, he made a point of saying, “Look how they love you. They know you’re their family and I’m not!” Said it with an excited smile, like it had just occurred to him how to win at checkers or something only it wasn’t checkers it was my life.
What a douchebag! Seriously
This is a case of when Google ( other search engines are available ) is NOT your friend .
I think all of us chumps take to google to ask what the hell just happened ?
The first things that always come up is RIC and affair proof your marriage and how Chumps can be blamed .
I read a site that said the 7 reasons he left you . I read and read it over and over again i was OMG i never knew this was happening how did i not notice he was so unhappy ?? I went over nearly every word said way before D day to see if i could understand why i made him so unhappy . After reading this it said affairs really only happen is needs are not getting met and/ or the cheater is unhappy . I racked my brains thinking why i never noticed .
I found CL/CN and realize he was not unhappy what did he have to be unhappy about ? Sex from 2 women on tap . Wife doing all the chores at home and paying the bills . Him coming and going as he pleased no questions asked . Lying to my face saying he loved me every night .
Yeah poor baby so unhappy !
Karen6702,
Yep, that is where Google sent me too and I jumped right in with two feet and began the pick me dance polka in full color.
Took me months to find LACGAL and I still can’t remember how I found it but that was a game changer for me. My entire life did a 180 and hasn’t been the same since!
I am a proud RIC drop out!
I was so lucky. When I discovered CheaterX’s affair with Schmoopie, I hit google and while I did see a lot of RIC shit, I came across a website that answered the question of “why did they cheat?” with “they cheat because they can.” This website was not CL, and while I did read that one for a while, I had come across CL’s site at the same time. I loved CL, but there weren’t a lot of posts and it wasn’t as regularly updated.
Anyway, the other piece of advice I found on the other site was that the betrayed spouse should seek out a lawyer ASAP. They didn’t have to file, but they did need to know the process and what they should expect–and preferably without telling the cheating spouse.
I did see the little love notes they sent to each other. I was convinced I was seeing a couple of teenagers. It was embarrassingly purile stuff.
Mine had two different targets. One was Facebook post and songs to an exbf with the I Love You’s etc. the other was 15 years younger and dirty text and her at 40 sending nude and sexually explicit videos! Seeking her much deserved happy!
I never saw the contents of their texts to each other (thank God. I could not have handled it) but it was bad enough watching him get that slack jawed gooey eyed look on his face at the mention of her name and hearing him say “she means the world to me”. He said the same to my 16 year old daughter and she found it equally juvenile.
Gross! What a malignant toad. Notice how they don’t bother to lie or omit those awful confessions of luuurve for schmoopie to spare your feelings, but do lie and omit other things if it benefits them. Immediately upon discovery I got; “I love her.” Then when I laughed at that, it was; “I have strong feelings for her.”
Later, after he realized he didn’t really love her, he still felt the need to tell me he had preferred her, felt good around her but not around me, that she was “more accepting” and he found her sexier than me. All this while omitting truths I had a right to know and which would have helped me rather than just hurt me more. They say that crap for cruelty, not honesty.
Did they text each other heart and kissy face emojis a lot? I’m sure that must be a thing with these dwellers of middle school cloud cuckoo land.
Mine knew it was twu wuv when she quoted Pink lyrics to him about how “fucking perfect” he was. ????
I wouldn’t have fallen for a manipulative ploy like that when I *was* in middle school. Dumbasses.
Btw, if you remember the contents of the love notes, feel free to give us a laugh.
I have one. He wrote her a sad sausage email about how poor widdle him had a bad night’s sleep because the dog barked.
She replied; “Poor you! Would a kiss and a hug help?” followed by kissy face emoji and (((hug))).
*Snicker!*
Barf emoji….and crying laugh emoji too!
after my ex had “broken up” with her during wreckonciliation, I heard his phone ping in the middle of the night. I grabbed it to see a sunrise (or sunset – she lived across the world until he brought her here to live in bliss). It said something like “tears in my eyes missing you make the colors more beautiful.” He grabbed the phone out of my hand and ran down the street, in his underwear, in the rain and 40 degrees. I still laugh when I think of it.
Priceless
On the day I get to meh I promise you all you are getting the poem I found in full. It’s truly a gem. Indeed snicker Chumperella. It’s cringetastic though at the same time.
Golden nugget from my chump guardian angel when I mentioned KK’s justification: “Nobody can meet 100% of a person’s needs”…
“Oh, for fucks sake. You know who has to have 100% of their needs met? INFANTS.”
And that’s exactly who we’re dealing with.
WWWAAAAAHHHHH!
Somebody needs their diaper changed…
I got that one, too. Arrested emotional development.
Spot on AF.
Spot on!
Exactly my ex husband is an infant, “CRY” baby Narchole and they are stunted mentally from childhood! You cannot fix them!
Oh geez this hits home. This is what my ex wife told me when I asked her how she thought going over to a single male friends house was a good idea.
She never really answered my question but instead gave me the “I’ve been unhappy all year”. Really? All year? Because just 2 months ago I had to talk you out of getting our wedding date tattooed on your side. So you couldn’t have been THAT unhappy with our marriage lol.
Lol mine was begging me to get out names tattooed on our wedding fingers. I think now that he may have been taunting me to “ see if I loved him”.
I really liked this one because it shows the cheaters dual personality traits – ‘ I was so unhappy at home so that’s why we should fuck like monkey’s at the Viagra lab’. And at home a different person pretending to be a loving spouse until he or she is caught – it backs up my theory that the person that can walk back in that marital home after a numerous sexscpades is show no guilt are mentally ill. They’re delusional. They’re bogus ‘ justifications ‘ illustrates this in so many ways. It’s scary!
Looking back, I think the Dickhead used to be call me on his way home from his trysts and hooker visits. What a sick POS.
They’re just sick aliens. My ex narc hole threatened me till I left marital home with kids and hid with friends. Next day he moves Facebook drug addicted whore in our house. 2 1/2 years later he’s still in our house with her still sleeping in our bed. They are still using the same sheets and comforter. Gross????????????. They have no character, morals or values.
Mine was talking to me on the phone while traveling about our future while pulling up to her boy toys house!
Yes all of this Jax
Fucking work whore in my bed on their lunch breaks and waiting for me in the evenings to make his dinner ! No sign of guilt or shame . Yuk
I know exactly my ex Narchole was also pulling that one, pure “FILTH” and with our kids bedrooms on the same floor! I served him divorce papers!
Well, for fuck sakes!
Life is a series of ups and downs.
Two people, taking a vow, together. Isn’t that what it is all about, facing the ups and downs TOGETHER?!?
That’s why I find being present at a wedding ceremony very difficult. It makes me cringe when a couple looks adoringly into each other’s eyes and says those words. ( still, I hope it works out for them, but I have reasons to have my doubts, big reasons)!
Happiness is something that two people have to work on together, TWO, not one!
Happiness is a gift, that only you have the power to give to another person, but to be effective, the other person has to be in tune in order to give that same happiness back to you.
It sounds difficult, but it could be so easy if two people kept up their 1/2 of the vows!
Like, I said above, well, for fuck sakes!
Although I clearly worked out 1, 2 or 3 were the only explanations it’s one that I never quite got over the feeling that during some great times in my life this guy had just been miserable. Apparently our amazing family trips, he was lonely. Blah blah blah. It’s so upsetting having that all trashed. But trashed is what they do and I just have to keep reminding myself that I was having a great time. One thing that puts me off therapy (the cost mainly) is this insistence that I admit that things weren’t right. Like surely you knew and hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can now say, oh he was quite quiet and this happened and that happened but frankly I could counter that easily and balance out the argument to say I had as much evidence he was happy so that’s life right, I didn’t expect someone after what 15 years together to be jumping in the air together and tapping his heels every time I walked in the door.
Gets me this one though, one of the most hurtful things because it undermines your past and reality.
I am only just realising how much pick me dancing OW probably had to do (actually probably not that much except he didn’t go immediately) while doing that delicate balance of artfully loving his child while trying to take him away from the child’s mother. Sick f*ckers.
Dodders Get Chumped
‘How this undermines your past and reality’
Yep that is the kicker. Second guessing everything now. Wondering who he was with and when and how that was all playing out at home where I was covering for him by doing all of the homefront stuff. Still creeps me out to think I was actually living with someone so adept at lying and for so long – 30+ years.
But, I don’t spend as much time there now. My focus now is figuring out why I was so blind. Yes, I know they are master manipulators but, I don’t mean this is a self put down sort of way, something in me made us a perfect fit….He knew what he was looking for when he picked me and I was too naive to see it coming. It has been nice to get to know me and to find those endearing and wonderful chump qualities for what they are -GOOD CHARACTER….and I thank God for that!
I was asked if he didn’t deserve “a life”. As if raising two small boys didn’t qualify. I come to realize it means he deserves to have no responsibility to anyone but himself. He’ll see the boys when they present a nice photo op for Facebook to gather Father’s Day accolades. They’re good for that. But homework and heartbreak and all that everyday stuff really just gets in the way.
They don’t even want responsibility for themselves; they LOVE to have a spouse appliance to take care of the boring parts, and to coddle them.
We were the only ones who thought that would be reciprocal.
This along with “I never loved you” were the words that rang in my head after my D day. Thank goodness for Tracey’s book. It took me a little while to figure out this was all just the bullshit narrative to try to explain the compulsive secret spending and online dating. Now he gets to make the other woman dance to create elusive happiness for him. What a thankless job it was!
With a mis-diagnosed and chronicaly mentally ill spouse, who could barely take care of himself, let alone show up and be a good husband and father, who created chaos and pain at home, but somehow managed to keep himself together to be very highly though of at work, I was unhappy for years. I didn’t cheat. I meant the vows I took and did my best to weather the storms of my marriage, hoping that some day there would be stability. I did my best to support him through his psych hospitalizations and medical hospitalization when he overdosed on his meds. I didn’t cheat. I twisted my self into a pretzel emotionally to make our home as supportive and comfortable for his needs. I didn’t cheat. I cried myself to sleep, neglected and lonely. I didn’t cheat. I managed our son’s whole life on my own so as not to overburden him. I didn’t cheat. I was miserable, lonely, alone and friendless in the world for the final 12 or 13 years of my marriage- I DIDN’T CHEAT.
I came from a dysfunctional family that centered around an alcoholic father and a checked out mother. When I met my husband, he swept me off my feet and a year later I was married and pregnant with our first child. He abandoned me emotionally when he refocused on his career (after he had secured me)- and early in our marriage, I fought for what I needed and was not getting. Where did my husband go? Over the years, I eventually went quiet. I wanted an intact family. I did this with huge personal neglect in order to be the “good” mother, wife… I was unhappy for years.
But I did not cheat.
26 years into our marriage, I discovered he was on dating sites AND he had cheated on me earlier in our marriage. You know what? He opened the door and i walked through it.
He wanted to reconcile but I had had it with the years of going silent in order to have my intact family. The family might have been intact but I was broken.
I said those words-” I have not been happy for years,” when I decided to separate. And I meant it. I take full responsibility for my dysfunction.
I have been working on it, trying to find the voice of the alcoholic’s child who was not heard so long ago.
Maybe we were just ill-suited, a year is not much time to test the relationship. Had I known he had cheated in real time I would have left him then. the hell with my misguided mirage.
Yes. This was me as well. You are an amazing person to have tolerated that and you have integrity.
I know exactly how you feel it’s pure hell but at least I got the dog, beautiful, faithful husky!
Uh my husband left the home, the kids,the dog, the cat. Had the nerve to say one day under his breath, well you have the dog and cat. Is that what he misses? The dog and cat????
He was over on Memorial Day and the cat came around the corner looked at him and turned around and walked away. He saw it and actually mentioned he was dissed by the cat. Then the cat came out again and walked up to him and he was just overjoyed. The cat likes him! Oh happy days! He told the kids that the cat came up to him. When he picked up the cat she squirmed to get out of his hands.
He also mentioned once he misses the backyard. Huh? He misses the back yard????
I’m flabbergasted.
For some time the pig had keys to the house in order to get stuff for our daughter after school which was awkward but he still pays for half the mortgage but it really violated my space. Anyway that aside, when he did he’d come in and sit there for an hour with our cat and take pics of it and put them on social media. I don’t know why but I find that so creepy. It’s like saying I still ‘own’ this. I don’t know what it’s saying but it’s fucked up.
Thankfully after stealing £10K from me the key thing was resolved on the basis of our having gone from zero trust to out and out expecting him to do something awful.
My ex said he missed the house. I’m sure he does, it’s a nice house and he’s living in a cramped apartment.
He also said he missed the cats. They don’t miss him. They’re much happier with him gone as they no longer fight and spray (they’d spray on his stuff…I’m not kidding!) Animals definitely know who the bad people are. Even my brother’s kind Great Dane (who likes everyone) didn’t like him. I’d never before seen that dog bark and keep away from someone before like he did with my ex.
I’m with you Carol, keep the husky, jettison the cheater (see avatar picture).
“With a mis-diagnosed and chronicaly mentally ill spouse, who could barely take care of himself, let alone show up and be a good husband and father, who created chaos and pain at home, but somehow managed to keep himself together to be very highly though of at work, I was unhappy for years. I didn’t cheat. I meant the vows I took and did my best to weather the storms of my marriage, hoping that some day there would be stability. I did my best to support him through his psych hospitalizations and medical hospitalization when he overdosed on his meds. I didn’t cheat. I twisted my self into a pretzel emotionally to make our home as supportive and comfortable for his needs. I didn’t cheat.”
“I managed our son’s whole life on my own so as not to overburden him.”
Holy shit – you and I are/were in the same boat. I know exactly what you went through. Except it was plural children for us.
FUU never cheated but he certainly has been a third-rate husband and parent. I still don’t know how much of it is his mental illness and how much is simply being a jerk. Mental illness doesn’t preclude or guarantee someone being an asshole.
I’m really, really sorry.
I got I haven’t been happy for 20 years. And don’t WE deserve to be happy? Wow just wow. Could have fooled me he sure enjoyed all those vacations and the cottage and the house in Florida and all the motorized toys that I bent myself into a pretzel to buy. He sure seemed happy when he told me he loved me.
Newly15
“Don’t We deserve to be happy’
I just read here a bit ago a word that hit home….how they begin to ‘devalue’ us.
That is what happened to me and in the end I had NO value except as a wife commodity. Shocking to witness that when his really disordered behavior took off at a gallop after Dday. He literally changed into a different person and it was mind boggling to say the least.
So, in their eyes, we don’t deserve happiness because we have no value as a living human being let alone a living human being with feelings.
Ever since Dday it has all been about his happiness and how painful ‘this’ has all been for him….the usual crap that people write about here daily.
You are not alone in this and YOU DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
Yes. I was also told that he has never been happy with me. Why the heck did you marry me then?
Without Chump Nation I would not have been able to get through this so quickly. The hardest part was truly to accept that he is disorderd, is lying to everyone including himself, and truly has no empathy with capability of remorse.
Yes, I got the I haven’t been happy for a long time. Even though we had just had Easter with our kids and he told me how fun it was….weird!! Then I asked if he was “in love” with me. His response, “I am not sure I even know what that means. I love you but I don’t know if I am in love with you.” Boy did that make me feel better…
Yeah, I hope the bastard was unhappy with having a maid, a cook, a nanny, a personal secretary, a sex partner, a lovely home, and a partner who paid a lion’s share of the bills.
I wish he would have chewed his own arm off to make his escape. But apparently it takes less effort to just stick your dick into the office slut to break the ties that bind you. And I know “less effort” was always his gig.
I think it’s very telling that he became unbearably “unhappy” the same month the office c*mdumpster divorced her chump. I can just hear the “If you don’t tell her, I will,” braying from her now.
I only hope he’s now making her just as “happy” as he made me…
Cheaters take NO responsibility for themselves. Three years before D-Day (two years before he started going on websites), ex-husband told me he was unhappy. I asked what he wanted to do – therapy, quit his job, take up a hobby, start re-training, join a sports team, etc. He said no to everything. I told him I couldn’t make him happy, that happiness comes from within. I also told him that as we both worked full-time that I was not going to do everything around the house and yard, he still needed to do his share (I could tell he wanted that as his ‘solution’ to his unhappiness).
He had an opportunity at that moment to end the marriage, to work on himself, he didn’t. Instead he lied, cheated, and stole – money, time, effort. Cheaters are lazy and entitled. Much easier to blame others than to look at themselves. Funny how unhappy he looked at the mediation hearing 2 1/2 years after we split. His drinking had aged him, his inner ugliness was showing, he looked miserable (what was his excuse now that I was out of his life?). I, on the other hand, was very happy. Still am.
Yes, I got the “I realized I was unhappy” BS too. Of course, he didn’t “realize” he was unhappy until he met exit-affair Schmoopie. How long he was unhappy kept shifting as the post D-Day abuse escalated…..2 months…2 years….2 decades…..Yet every time I tried to address the issues in our marriage, and every time I point blank asked him if he was happy, he assured me that he was, and seemed offended that I could ever even think such a thing. At one low point (after the discovery of an “emotional affair” – hahahahaha), I asked him how HE could be happy knowing I was so unhappy, and he just assured me how happy he was, how invested he was in the marriage/family, etc.
It was only until very recently that I figured out what that actually meant. At no point was MY happiness ever considered. As long as HE felt “happy” (i.e. the marriage/family was of use to to him), he truly didn’t care about me or my needs. How could I have not seen that?!
In his mind, he “deserves” to be happy but I guess I don’t? And so the pursuit of his “happiness” was worth blowing up our marriage and family without a second thought.
He was so unhappy that he drew our initials in a heart in the cement when we poured a new driveway.
After DDay, I was so unhappy I chiseled them off.
He told me that he didnt think ‘ I ‘ was happy!!! Well, thank you, Im so much happier now Im raising two young boys myself (1yrs and 6yrs at the time), not!
The AP apparently is ‘always’ happy, bubbly and lively….but….thats what he liked about me in the beginning, I havent changed, just that we have responsibilities now and he spent most evenings on his phone. She has no kids (was also married), so of course she has no cares in the world, nor morals or basic humanity
I also hate the use of my children on social media. You can guarantee every two weeks it will be filled with pics of him and the kids like hes father of the year, and it annoys me that people ‘like’ this facade. Its all an act. My friends and his brother have removed him because they’re fed up of him acting like hes a great loving Dad when he’s abandoned them and happy to see them part time.
I hate the, look at me I’m such a great dad schtick, every two weeks. His father (who was also a cheating narc) wrote this big facebook post about what great father and mentor his son was to his two kids. It took so much to not write on there, “yes, such a great father… he cheated on his pregnant wife and proceeded to destroy his children’s intact family and home.”
What’s funny though is the only person that liked his post, was himself… So then a few hours later he shared his own post again and liked it again. I think it got 2 more likes after that… They are both so pathetic.
The other two likes must have been from his son
Haha, yes, and his current wife!! Hahaha!
Ha, ‘liking’ your own posts is so sad ha ha
My STBX gets lots of likes, and I am always sooooo tempted to comment asking how anyone can ‘like’ his child posing posts after what he’s done, and that they are just enabling his (delisional) belief that he’s an amazing father.
The message I found on his phone on Dday actualy said ‘You’re an amazing father’…..uh…. what is her definition of a BAD father
Hahaha, maybe what was meant to be written was, “You’re an amazingly terrible excuse of a father”?!?! Auto correct must have accidentally changed that message.
Haha! Love that! So many people choosing not to click like!!!!!!
They probably believe the hype from the ow/om. Your so good, so caring, my ex was told he was excellent in bed, he’s no Casanova, shame he had sti. When reality is not that, cheaters see what is convenient to them. I do wonder what the personality, temperament of the ow/om is really like.
As Gandhi has said “Happiness is when what you say, what you do and what you think are in harmony.” Is it any wonder that they were unhappy? These people can never be happy and will never be happy. That is now their problem!
ERGO, if you become interested in dating a person post-cheater and that person says things about an ex that echo this kind of BS, toss up an orange flag and probe for more.
“What did you DO when you realized you were unhappy?”
ALSO note that if a person starts whining to you about how hard their relationship is, the person might be using as a smell-test to see if you’re open to “comforting” them through their pain, a common wedge into inappropriate intimacy with a third party for cake-seekers.
Don’t take the “oh, but she’s so mean and I’m so unhappy” bait. If a person isn’t happy, that person should be trying to work it out at home.
There’s also “my wife doesn’t understand me”; I told that creep that she probably understood him all too well.
Yes! ????
I got this too, she hadn’t been happy, had not been in happy in our relationship from 5 years into a 15 year relationship. Had nearly left 5 years earlier (guessing she had another different schmoopie then that didn’t work out). When I asked what would make her happy her words were “well if you loved me you would know what would make me happy” other than screwing a married coworker with 2 kids that is! Pick me danced for 3 weeks and then she moved in with schmoopie.
Skippy, see how effortless her attempts are first to cheat and then imply YOU were the one who didn’t love? I’d play hardball in the settlement. Put a price tag on every last thing you own together.
Yes, and that includes jewelry. Male chumps often forget to list the jewelry they have purchased as marital assets–but it is. If she is sitting with a $10,000 diamond tennis bracelet and various rings/eearings, etc in gold,platinum, and gems–it counts! I know a cheating wife that walked away with over $100,000 worth of jewelry that her husband never asked to be accounted for in marital assets. She certainly got her half of the house, cars, and his retirement though.
I’m really lucky that I didn’t buy his excuses for a minute.
“I predated co-workers because all you cared about was your bite/posture”.
It was so laughable that I never backed down from my “the fuck are you trying to pull here??” reaction.
Oh, I knew he wasn’t happy. He could never be. But in his words, he was tired.
And when, like him, you simply must be the hero who works his way up the corporate ladder, how can you not be… but he wasn’t too tired to do a lot of extra activities at the same workplace, though.
Life’s just funny like that!
Don’t stick your head in the mind blender!
Quetzal, You are my hero. I sooooo wish that I would’ve had this reaction but unfortunately I was all hopped up on pain pills and crazy hormones because I had just given birth to our first child so I was more of a begging, blubbering mess. I still fantasize about being able to have the “the fuck are you trying to pull here?’ reaction.
Ex Shit Stain said he “deserved to be loved” because I didn’t show enough love when I was paying bills, taxes, taking care of kids school events, planning birthday parties and vacations for the family, saving money for kids college, supporting him through a horrific lawsuit in which he lost a shit Tom of our money, and having sex with him regularly.
His deserving of love meant my deserving to be lied to, betrayed and gaslighted for maybe half of our 20 year marriage. Conveniently, he simply can’t remember when the affairs, both physical and emotional, started.
I still struggle daily to untangle myself from that mindfuck.
Then.. his total shock when I wanted him to leave.
Fuckwit definition of the all-important Being Loved; you do absolutely everything they want at the exact moment they want it. Naturally, you know what they want without being told. You never dream of being critical of them or displeased with their behaviour, no matter what stupid and destructive hijinks they get up to or how lazy and feckless they are. You make sure they never have to deal with whatever realities of adulthood they want to avoid and you make sure their every fantasy comes to life. Naturally, you know what these are without being told.
Note; this definition applies only to spouses, not APs. APs can be as selfish as the fuckwits and they are still better, because they are NotYou. Being NotYou is essential, because IsYou has seen all their flaws. Must have somebody who has not seen flaws! Then, if they actually leave you for the AP, that person will eventually see their flaws and become IsYou. But the new IsYou will be less accepting of their flaws, because he/she is also a fuckwit, having been willing to be an AP and help break up a family. At this point they will probably want you back, because you were more tolerant and giving, therefore, you must have loved them after all. They think you have missed them so much that you will now follow their rules for Being Loved. I estimate that this will happen within 6 months to three years, depending on how stubborn they are in their delusional belief that they have found twu wuv. If they didn’t get the chance to leave you and no longer have NotYou, they will try to reinstitute the rules. Surely you have learned from their totally understandable rejection of your inadequate love and can now do better!
But you don’t. You still refuse to love them properly. They are crushed. Then you leave and they have nothing left to tie their lines to, so The Fuckwit Boat drifts away, looking desperately for a safe place to land. They may find a marshy spot to run aground in or bump into a Fuckwit Tug Boat, which is as stupid as they are, but at least has some pulling power.
This is the time when we can all sit back and have that delicious last laugh, if we even care enough to. By that point, it’s probably worth no more than a chuckle.
Fuckwit 101 in concluded for today. Homework is a brief chuckle and not giving a shit where the Fuckwit Boat lands.
Chumperella, this is pure gold! LMAO!
Upon reflection, my ex did start getting distant, withdrawn, and moody. But, amazingly, this all happened after the affair started. Coincidence?
(People always want to justify their actions, even retroactively)
Yup. I feel better on days when I realize cheater’s excuses are complete bullshit. I’ve got the dumb narc cheater, so the blame shifting is so juvenile it’s absurd. They’ll just throw shit at you to see what sticks and gets a reaction. Gray rock for the win.
This article certainly captures how I felt when I got “I haven’t felt like your husband in years”. What!? How could I not have known? Of course in hindsight I could then pinpoint every time we had an argument, he had been mean to me or I had just felt like something was off in our by then 25 years as a couple (22 married) and tell myself “You idiot, he obviously wasn’t happy”. He didn’t specify how many years so then I was wondering just how long this had been going on. Was he already feeling like “not my husband” back then when we had our first real argument about four years into our marriage? Was it not until later that time when he kicked me out of the car while eight months pregnant and made me walk in 96F heat because I expressed shock and concern when he sped up towards that jaywalker? Was he already feeling that way when he had the emotional affair? Surely I must have realized how unhappy he was then even though he didn’t consummate it (probably) and came running back to me holding me and comforting me and reassuring me when I called him home that night when he was at her house. I also should have known on our 20th wedding anniversary when he was being distant and disgruntled. I should have known it had nothing to do with the stress of being in the middle of a big cross country move and living at his sister’s house with me commuting 45 minutes each way and him stuck at home with the kids all day while we were fretting over selling the old house and finding a new one. How silly of me to think that. It was really just his unhappiness with me being unable to make him feel better during that time in spite of all of the stress that we were both under (my own stress resulting from all of that upheaval that he instigated was irrelevant). Just because things did seem to improve once we were finally settled into our new home that didn’t mean he felt like my husband. Well, ok I had started to realize something was very wrong in our marriage during those last 8 months or so before DDay when he started being a major dick again towards me and even more alarmingly the kids and it just got worse and worse. So yes, I had known he was unhappy and probably with me for a few months but years? How did I miss that?
Then I ran across all of the cards, letters, notes etc. from over the years that I had kept. All of that beautifully written prose telling me how much he loved me, how happy he was to be married to such a wonderful woman, “be mine forever, please” “to Chumpinrecovery from the man whose heart you will always have”. Couple that with the fact that we had always been able to work through our previous ups and downs, working out our differences and being stronger for it afterwards. The downs had always been followed by ups before and I had no reason to think that this was any different. What long term relationship doesn’t have it’s challenges? And what about those ups? Was he really unhappy during the ups too or did he just not remember those when new and shiny was there for him on the sidelines? Did he think that life with Schmoopie would just be one long continuous up and that’s the way a good relationship should be? Really? In spite of their rocky start complete with accusations and break ups every couple of weeks? I am not the crazy one here. He was the crazy one for thinking he hadn’t felt like my husband in years and for forgetting about all of the many ups we had when he was sure acting like he felt like my husband.
That statement was my wake up call on DDay#2.
DDay #1 he told me “I’ve been increasingly unhappy in the marriage” and proceeded to give me a list of things I needed to do to keep him happy which included greeting him at the door when he came home from work no matter what I was doing; not talking about anything that our kids had done until he was sufficiently relaxed, and (of course) having sex with enthusiasm whenever he wanted. I did it all. I pick me danced until my feet bled. Four years later, only weeks away from being empty nesters and going on a trip he had planned to celebrate my 50th birthday, DDay #2 arrives. And when I confronted him, he started to say the exact same thing: “I’ve been increasingly…” literally the SAME FUCKING PHRASE WORD FOR WORD after FOUR YEARS of greeting him at the door with the dogs and doing everything else he said would make him happy. I think if he had said anything else, made any other excuse, I might have bought it. But that? That “increasingly unhappy” bullshit? Nope. You gave me a list, you motherfucker. I did everything you asked. And you’re still not happy? That is not on me.
I kicked him out that night but I also spent another two years trying to make the marriage work. But in hindsight, that moment was the beginning of my personal enlightenment that everything Tracy said above is true: his happiness is not the most important thing in the universe and in any case, I was not responsible for making sure he was happy every second of the day. Now that I’m out of the marriage and well established in meh, I’m grateful he was shallow enough to use that same tired cheater phrase again and set me on the path to freedom.
Can I just say how grateful I am for CL and the chump nation? While the whole world seems to believe the blame the chump, “how can anyone know what went on in their marriage” narrative, here is a place where many people know it’s not our fault first hand!
The last and hardest part of getting to meh after him leaving our family is the shame at being left. My poor kids, now teens, who we adopted as infants, feel it too. “Mom, I have 4 parents and 3 of them left me.” Makes me so mad I want to spit. Therapy for all around here, but CL is worth more to me than any therapist I’ve ever met!
Beth — I have never forgotten what you once said– there were 2 people concerned with HIS happiness and 0 people worried about yours. That is how I felt and never thought of it clearly that way until you articulated it.
Your comments are clip-and-save ones for me so often. Thanks for being here.
Same in mine, I.C.
I didn’t realize how draining it was until the last months of our marriage when yet again, I was being asked to pick me dance again (god, I wish I had known what that actually meant back then) and still having no clue what I was supposed to do that I haven’t already done.
As if they were the big prize worth fighting for.
Dance, dance!
Here’s the secret- we were the prize! I think the cheaters actually know that, and want to keep us busy so we don’t figure it out. We are the fantastic catch, not them.
Thanks I.C.!! Your comments made my week! SO many people helped me along the way to meh. I keep coming here in hopes that I can pay it forward a little bit and be of help to someone else on the same journey.
Not quite 2 years out from divorce. After 28 years of marriage I was abandoned by e-mail so he could go be with a co-worker half our age and he moved to her European country 15 months ago. Our daughters (OW’s age) have been mostly NC with him but occasionally respond with some grey rock on about every 5th attempt he makes to communicate. He changes cell numbers when he visits the US so they can’t totally shield themselves from him popping up on texts randomly every couple months.
The colossal fucknut has declared to one daughter in texts that he is depressed and anxious and is having nightmares. The Self Pity mindfuck channel is clearly tuned in and she is not swayed. He is trying to make both daughters feel guilty about the boundary lines they have drawn.
What is notable here is that this is exactly how he has always been. Always full of anxiety and depression, always thinking he is missing out on something in life and always filled with a silent, passive aggressive rage against the world. Unhappy.
Prior to detonating his life into unrecognizable smithereens, I was the focus of His Great Unhappiness. Now that I have been dispatched and he has fucked pervertishly young pussy and wandered across Europe with sojourns to the Middle East these last 2 years, completely untethered by tangible consequence, he is still just so, so, unhappy. Depressed. Anxious.
Boo fucking hoo. He sucks. It was never me, it was always him. As Luziana said, he is the constant in all of his equations no matter where he is or who he is with. He will always be a pouty barnacle clinging to someone else and then deciding they are inadequate. What a useless life.
So eventually this is what starts making sense in all the craziness. I was married to Dr. Cheaterpants for 20 years. The disordered cycle of overvalue, devalue, discard isn’t only in his personal relationships. It’s in every freaking thing in his life: job, hobbies, friends, his family. He just keeps cycling through everything in this fashion but he’s the only constant in all of those things. It could take years to see the cycle so I didn’t get it at first.
He would get a hobby and be all in. He’d research it, buy all the equipment, spend hours on it, then get bored with it. And when I say get bored with it, he would just one day stop completely and never pick it up again–total discard.
Friends from work. I would learn to not get too close to the wives because when he was done with the husband and they became the enemy, I could no longer continue that relationship and it was awkward.
His job. He would complain about his division chiefs (physicians with years of experience) and went through four of them during the time we were married. There was one particular female that he hated with all of his being. Apparently she told him she wouldn’t promote him because he never followed through and completed his assignments outside of bedside medical care. It’s hard to believe one has four bosses and all of them could be so awful. Especially since each one started as the best thing since sliced bread per him.
His family. Intermittently getting along with some and hating others.
He volunteer coached our kids in their sport. I mistook this as him being interested in our kids and now I know it was again all about him and his kibble seeking. DS played little league football. Cheater got some old guy fired from coaching so he could coach. Then he abandoned coaching when son would not practice for hours outside of the hours of team practice.
Then cheater coached DD who is a people pleaser and would practice for hours and hours. She became the superstar of all the teams she played on therefore the golden child. When cheater started complaining about her teammates (13 & 14 year old girls) and about other coaches, I knew he was getting ready for the discard and I knew it would hurt. I no longer built up cheater about how awful all these others were including these young girls. I stopped being so compliant with him myself. And that’s when he started pursuing young schmoopie–DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic high school.
He was absolutely exhausting to be married to. I mistook his neediness for love. Nope, he’s a black hole of need and always looking for something to fill it up. I am sooooo lucky to not be in the middle of all that crazy anymore!!
Twiceachump,
I am fleeing flooded with a sense of excitement and hope right now. A feeling I get which I don’t really know how to describe when something that I have just been giving thought to comes up in some fashion another in my life.
Your post above has done just that. This morning I was laying in bed and I began thinking about all of the things the X went through throughout our 30+ years together.
I have to end this and begin or my computer is going to erase all I have written so bear with me and I shall be right back below.
This is my continuation to twiceachump…
I thought about his hobbies, his friends, the activities we used to do and how it all felt so ‘off’ somehow. Not like how I experienced doing things or how my friends do things as we all try out new things etc but his behavior and actions had a different quality to them. It dawned on me that they were all hollow. That he was going through the motions to impress me or the kids or the people he was around at the time all the while there was no real connection. Nothing there. Eeerie.
And then your post. You nailed it on the head and have given words to the feeling I was having and couldn’t pinpoint.
Overvalue, devalue and discard.
Priceless and precise. Thank you for sharing and going into such detail. Fits perfectly and, as you said, it happened over such a long period of time it was hard to detect but there that pattern is clear as day now. Just like someone has taken a red marker and run a line through a path on a map of a wilderness area.
I had begun to think that one day he would wake up and realize that outer things, people or places do not bring happiness because it was as though he was seeking out happiness in those things…or like those things would ‘fix’ him.
Long story short. He hasn’t woken up yet that I know of but I have!
Thanks so much for sharing here!
I’m glad it was helpful for you Elderly Chump! I knew he got ‘bored’ with stuff and I knew it could turn ugly sometimes but I didn’t think he would turn on me. He was always so high maintenance and needy with me in our relationship. I did most of the adulting and he did most of the funning. Once I started to try to figure out how he could walk out on his wife, home, family life, pets, etc….(he still sees the kids but he’s pretty miserable to be around although he still has his young schmoopie), I came across the narcissist information of how they are self centered, lack empathy, and the cycle of idealize, devalue, discard. It all started to click.
And I sometimes say that while I waiting for him to come to his senses, I came to mine!!
The electronic stuff can take a little time to get used to but you’ll get there!!
Twiceachump,
“I didn’t think he would turn on me.”
Yep me too which is why I did the pick-me-dance but good old Tracy writes about delusion too….about us being the ‘special’ ones.
Ouch, that one hurt when I really realized I had moved through the cycle of being
overvalued, devalued, discarded …..and found myself being…..deleted.
But the wound started to heal over when I found CL and CN so now I bless Tracy’s big heart and I have actually and unbelievably found myself giving thanks to the last AP for being the one who brought all of his cheating into the light.
NO, I have not met her nor do I ever want to as she is a major uncouth person – I do the thanking in my head, behind closed doors, very quietly so I can barely even hear what I am thinking myself. 🙂
When I have something long to say, I write it in Word first, then copy and paste it here. Works like a charm : )
Sisu
I am giggling out loud as I write this because I am not at all computer savy. In truth I am terrified by this thing I now rely on for so many things.
You have given me a challenge and now I shall delve into it and see what will come of it. Could turn my giggling into tears but I am game 🙂
Thank you for the pointer. One never knows what one is going to learn here!
Best of luck!
I’m not all that tech savvy either as it’s not something I enjoy, but I’ve learned what I need to get by : )
You are SPOT ON with this! I didn’t realize it before now, but my ex did the same thing…cycle through over-value, devalue and discard with everything in his life. Spouses/partners, friends, jobs, hobbies, homes, interests, projects around the house, bosses. EVERYTHING! Wow! Thanks for the light bulb moment.
Constant in all his equations. The lowest common denominator.
“pouty barnacle” made me laugh. Thanks for that : )
We got a group text when he moved out. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.
“Always full of anxiety and depression, always thinking he is missing out on something in life and always filled with a silent, passive aggressive rage against the world. Unhappy.” This seems to be a common thread among cheaters. It is inevitable that we end up getting the blame. I have been unhappy all of these years it must be my long term partner’s fault. They are correct when they say “I haven’t been happy for years”. That part is absolutely true. Where they get it wrong is in thinking that unhappiness has anything to do with us and that finding a new partner is the answer to all of their problems. Joke’s on them in the end. We are the ones who end up happier with them gone.
Hear,hear. I agree with that.
After divorce I lost 200+ pounds simply by walking out of the court house. Best diet results I have ever had. I have kept the weight off for 2 years now and do not ever intend to let it back in.:)
I forgot to mention that I first heard how awful I was and unhappy he was back when we were 17 years old, only about a year into dating. He declared I was the cause back then, too and we broke up for a short while. We got back together and by the time he was 19 he was feeling that old anxious stuff again. He moved away and we began to exchange love letters for the year we were apart.
I am such an idiot I married him anyway at 20 years old.
Looking back now of course the cycle of his anxiety and depression is so clear in the letters and just in how he spent his time with me after marriage. Cycling through the long devalue, usually ignoring me, always worried about his job even though he never spent a single day unemployed. Just always tense, petulant, and passive aggressive. Cue the first affair after 19 years, then the final blow up at 28 for OW#2.
My life is not useless. He lived the lie, not me.