I Haven’t Been Happy for a Long Time
The other week someone asked me to decode, “I haven’t been happy for a long time.” (Also sometimes expressed as “WE haven’t been happy for a long time.”)
It’s trotted out when the chump is looking for an explanation as to why their family life just blew up.
Well DUH. “I haven’t been happy for a long time!”
This statement presupposes a number of things:
A) That the cheater’s happiness is the most important thing (and is a valid answer to the Why Did You Commit This Dreadful Betrayal?)
B) That they’ve silently suffered for a long time and gee whiz, isn’t it time AT LAST! that they experience some true happiness?
And…
C) How could you be so dumb that you never noticed how unhappy they were? Heck, how could you not notice how unhappy YOU were until they pointed it out? (WE haven’t been happy for a long time.)
This sends the chump into apoplexies of self reflection. Well, yes, I am sometimes unhappy, but it passes. Or… hang on, how could I have missed my spouse’s cosmic misery? Apparently it was long and went on for EONS. Am I just that insensitive?
Of course you have no way of challenging this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” statement because you are not in their heads. You have no idea what they feel. So if you say, “BUT YOU LOOKED HAPPY. You had kids with me! We went snorkeling in Barbados! You drank the coffee I brought to you every morning! You said you LOVED your birthday slippers!” the cheater can just say, “Nope. I wasn’t happy.”
But you looked happy. Happy enough anyway.
“No, I was full of sorrow. Every minute. My life was a burden of grief and misery. At night I used to gnaw at the invisible chains that kept me tethered to you.”
Oh.
So chumps, how are you supposed to interpret this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” crap? Here’s a few ways to look at it:
1.) Take them at their word. Okay, you’ve been a miserable sod for decades. You, cheater, are responsible for addressing the things that make you unhappy and adjusting your life accordingly. While as a loving spouse I want to support you, if your needs are not communicated to me, there is jack shit I can do to help you.
2) Don’t accept responsibility. If the cheater was so unhappy in the marriage, they had ethical ways to go about ending their marriage — beginning with trying to save it first. Or getting out honestly before they told all their “troubles” to a sympathetic fuckbuddy.
3) They’re bullshitting you. Cake is delicious. They were probably perfectly happy with you and the services you provided — paycheck, child-rearing, air of respectability. It wasn’t until they were busted at D-Day that their Great Unhappiness was revealed. Blameshifting their “unhappiness” on to you is an invitation to do the pick me dance. Oh, you’re unhappy? How can I make you happy? I can control that! I can WIN your happiness! Let me TRY HARDER!
And guess what, they’re probably pulling the same shit on the affair partner. Oh, my marriage makes me so unhappy, but I must stay for the children! I am a noble slave to convention! Woe! And the affair partner goes, I will PROVE to you that I can make you happy! I can control your destiny! I can WIN!
Cake, cake, wonderful cake.
This column ran previously… rerun because I must go to the DMV at an ungodly early hour and wait in line to get the car inspected. But this “I haven’t been happy for a long time” is still a really bullshit thing to say.
This is spot on! Every time I hear this from Satan’s family or pathetic supporters. Thank u!
Omg spit on again Chump Lady this is exactly what my ex husband said to me when he was caught in the first affair in our marital bed!????????????????
Omg!!!!! Me too x10,000. Evil X even told the kids he was unhappy and that’s why he had to fuck others and abandon them! Cue the abusive invitation to “pick me dance,” which nearly killed them….. certainly crushed their innocence and security. X in law grandparents perpetuated this abuse on the grandkids, who now literally DESPISE their grandparents. Un-fucking-believable.
They all suck.
MotheChumper99 you are 1000 times ABOVE those losers, lol. My ex in laws also at first they were grossed out and now, they asked me if I could just “SWALLOW”, not! I would swallow anything off his cheating, filthy, lying body again!????
Agreed!
Thank u so much for your reply!!!
Thank you, CL! I needed this SO much today. I continue to struggle with this. 2 weeks before DD we were discussing our future lives together and what we were going to do once our twins graduated high school (they are now just 11). We discussed taking a cross country camping trip with them next summer. I had NO idea he was unhappy in our 14 year marriage.
Then, Bam! Out-of-the-blue he tells me he wants a divorce. And that he, “hasn’t been happy for a long time.” I was devastated, and a friend encouraged me to check the phone records….
Lo and behold, I discovered months of hour long conversations and 25 texts per day with a younger co-worker (we are both 45, she is 34, married and has 2 and 4yo boys). He told me that “she listened to him,” and what a horrible person I was for “not even realizing he was unhappy.” He said I was too busy working, taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, exercising, and had no time for him.
Well, it’s not like I was exactly happy either, and I just accepted it as the stage of life we are in. And, it’s not like he ever cooked dinner or planned a romantic night out if he was feeling that way.
He admitted to the affair, and said it didn’t matter that he had it because he had “checked out” of the marriage a long time ago. Well, that was news to me.
I begged him to cut it off with her and go to marriage counseling. I also made her husband aware of the affair. He went, but did not participate in ANY of the homework or strategies the counselor suggested. After the 12 sessions, he said he wasn’t going back anymore, but had cut it off with the AP. He just didn’t love me anymore.
Well, then I discovered he was still communicating with her via email, but not via text/phone cause I could track that. Plus, they work together and I obviously can’t police what happens on their lunch hour.
I asked if she was still in the picture and he replied, “possibly.” I went and filed for divorce the next day. Served his ass at work so everyone could see it!
He has always had a thing for this younger co-worker and it hurts me so much that my long time suspicions were spot on. Turns out they confided with each other about their marriage problems (instead of telling me) and one thing led to another. I asked why he didn’t tell me so that we could work on our communication, etc., and he said, “cause I didn’t want to.”
So, it seems as though Schmoopie is leaving her husband to be with mine. He has already started telling our kids about her and her 2 and 4yo boys. Wtf! Our divorce isn’t even final yet!
He still lives in the house and will not leave. He has his own bedroom and I was always kissing his ass hoping he would see the error of his ways and consider reconciliation.
That was until I read CL’s book! I am a new woman and though admit I am still suffering from PTSD 9 months later, i no longer believe in the RIC and do not want to live my life wondering who he is texting. I have no idea how long the affair was going on for prior to DD, and if he could hide it that long, plus they still work together (he wears his wedding ring to work so no one catches on…yeah right).
It is just so difficult right now as he won’t leave until the divorce is final saying it’s bc he doesn’t want to leave the kids. So, I have to see his lying face everyday. I am no longer nice to him. He doesn’t deserve it. I only speak to him when I have to – about the kids/household management.
I’m still waiting for Tuesday, and hoping there is happiness after this shitstotm. I’m almost to meh, though I admit I hope Schmoopie dumps him and goes back to her husband. I also dream about him sitting alone in an apartment regretting all that he has lost. I know I have to get over that desire.
Any advice to get me over the hump?
Thank u!
Does anyone care about these workplace affairs? I suspect no, for the most part. It’s a nudge, nudge, wink, wink scenario. But wouldn’t you at least question the ethics and integrity of the two married co-workers carrying on? Not to mention the lost productivity and the hygiene factor of all the sex in the office? Has anyone seen these things revealed and then just completely swept under the rug? Or are there real world career consequences?
I think it will be a lot easier for you to get over the hump once he is gone from your house.
My guess is either he doesn’t have another place to stay with MOW or the other options aren’t as nice as your house. He might also be doing it for legal reasons – you could ask your lawyer if having him in the house affects his ability to get the home or custody of your kids.
What an ass! Whether it works out with OW or not make sure you follow thru with the divorce. If not her there will be others. Nothing to save here but yourself and your kids. What a scumbag.
Tell his boss.
I love it Almosttomeh, you and me both WTH fuck we hadn’t even signed divorce papers either. I respect myself and I’m sooooo NOOOTTTT playing the pick me dance!????
So sorry you’re going through this. I know how you feel on suspecting the howorker from the beginning. I knew the moment I met her something was off, but didn’t trust my instincts for years. My advice is what my therapist told me. Figure out what makes YOU happy and go do it more often bc this is gonna suck for a while. Until she said that I didn’t even realize how much I’d wrapped my life around my family and forgotten what I like to do sans kid or husband. Especially when pick me dance time came. When I got more comfy with me, his BS repulsed me so much it was way easier to gray rock him.
If it’s ANY consolation, his coworkers (at least some of them) already know about the affair. People who mess around on their spouses seem to always think they are being SO DISCREET when in reality, their behavior is as clear as day. Trust me: they know. And if one of his managers has caught on, your soon to be ex may be woefully surprised that he’s passed over for that promotion he was promised. People are funny about infidelity. I’ve actually seen this happen more than once to a cheating guy. (Although the guys should be grateful they still had a job. For the women, they either lost their jobs or got encouraged to find work elsewhere.)
Yeah, I find it hard to believe they will be allowed to work together when it’s “official” and he stops wearing his wedding ring which he only wears to work so people don’t catch on. I want to tell hiss boss, but I was told not to cause I need his paycheck for child support!
Thank u!
Almosttomeh – At least in my state, child support still has to be paid if an ex voluntarily leaves a job or is fired. Check it out in your state.
I will. Thank u!
Are you at all angry? I was. Livid. think my anger was actually what got me through those dreadful first few months. It propelled me forward and stopped me from giving him any chance to fool me ever again.
It might sound strange but that’s my wish for all newly minted chumps. Anger can be a very useful tool when used properly. And along with that a little dose of your own brand of narcissism. That can be healthy too.
It won’t make you like them, you never ever have to worry about that, it’s not even fighting fire with fire. It’s you getting in the mindset to take charge and take care of yourself.
I was exactly where you are two years ago and my life now is so sweet!! Life is waiting for you on the other side. Know that. Start visualizing how it will be and it will happen. You’re gonna make it happen. You’re done with the abuse and ready to hit heights you never thought you could.
I am FINALLY after 9 months at the anger stage. I can tell he doesn’t know how to handle it as he is so used to me and the pick me dance.
It is propelling me forward. My friends say they have been waiting for me here at the anger stage.
Thank u, NoMo!
Living in the same house is torture. I did it for 10 months. He would not leave and my attorney told me not to leave. I finally had to. I am only in my second week out of the house and feel a huge weight is lifted off of me. Don’t have kids so I can only imagine how much stress that adds to things. Cheater has the guts to cheat but not the guts to leave the house. How lame is that?
Yep it’s pure torture. He is constantly on his phone and every time he gets a text i cringe. I know it’s Schmoopie and brings back my PTSD. I’m sure his lawyer told him not to leave. It’s such a toxic environment for the kids.
My take on this is that the court is trying to save us financially. Most of us combine our incomes to afford mortgages, children, food, clothing, gas, etc. and we really can not afford two separate residences until finances have been addressed. Even then, financial entanglements are not always dealt with in a timely manner. My lawyer had no idea Fucktard was a Narc. In the six month waiting period (CA), he spent all his money commuting to Oregon. He missed mortgage payments, stopped supporting our children, all that mattered to him was lining up and lovebombing his new appliance. I was reeling from that for two years, angered by his crap choices, infidelity, and poor character (who the fuck walks out on their kids financially?!?!), worried about mine and my children’s future so by the time I figured out what Fucktard intended (dissipation of assets probably began when he began sleeping with others) it was too late to save the house, our second biggest asset. IMHO, those who work in family law understand why most of us divorce and they know infidelity just opens up a bigger can of worms. They see this all the time. Assigning fault is not going to help us Chumps out financially, and as hard as it may be, finances are all we should be focused on. We should grieve, yes, but our focus should not be on the Cheater and that crap fairy tale but on our future. We need to protect ourselves financially.
Almosttomeh
I feel for you but why is your cheating husband still in the house?
After 34 years married when I decided to divorce him.. I threw him in the basement for 9 months..until I bought him out & legally he HAD to leave!
Get a better lawyer & have him try to find away to remove him from your home. He doesn’t deserve to have any comfort living in the home he’s leaving for a whore.
You have to get really angry & put yourself first.
He is a disgusting piece of crap!
Good luck ..????
Oh I’ve tried! Here in NY, I cant get him out unless there is domestic violence. They don’t care about mental abuse.
So, I cant get him out until the divorce is final. Sigh. He has not even started looking for a place to live that I know about anyway, and our custody hearing is may 21st!
Thank u for your reply and pep talk!
Almosttomeh
I live in New York too. Your right about the law. No fault divorce is another punch in the gut to us innocent spouses.
I hope you stay strong & let the whore have him. I did… & 2 years after moving in with
her.. she died in a car accident!
Karma stepped in ???????? Now the 70’year old ex narc is living with another “victim” only months after she died.
Your soon to be ex will eventually crash & burn while you & your children will be fine.
❤️
Omg wow…
Thank u, Kathleen.
Yes, it doesn’t matter in NY about cheating. I now get my twins part time, after I went through years of infertility treatment to have them.
I hope he does crash and burn!
Almosttomeh, that is the hardest part. The kids, and thrusting them into the confusion of being an object; required to live two distinct lives. He wanted them to be there at his beck and call…. when it suited him.
My daughter developed an eating disorder and my son was sooooo angry and aggressive. Guess who dealt with these issues! I was the parent… through thick and thin.
He was gallivanting off showing the Low Life a good time and couldn’t have cared less until she dumped him. Then he was sad…. like some child who wanted scooped up and reassured. Pathetic.
Don’t worry about where he is going to live, just get him out as soon as you can. You don’t want him in your home even one day past the first deadline. Otherwise he will be there until he feels like leaving, which could be when the OW’s divorce is final. If he won’t leave after that, then get your attorney involved and/or the police. He made the decision that he wanted out of your marriage, now he needs to get out of your home. He can’t have it both ways.
Thank u so much for validating my feelings!
My cheater wife was telling me about our future retirement plans- how we would sell the house and move to a different city when daughter graduated. She was jazzed about it. Turns out she was in a full fledged affair during those conversations with me. Crazy.
Cheaters can’t handle normal mundane life. Everything has to be super exciting all the time or otherwise you are a bad person making them unhappy. They don’t do peaceful responsible content love and loyalty.
One week ago my cheater was making plans for a special date night at the hotel where we spent our first night together. A day or two after that, he was giving his phone number to some random lady who showed up at his best buddy’s place of business. It doesn’t help that he’s got two buddies who egg him on and validate that he deserves to be happy.
His main issue with me has been my ongoing weight loss, it’s taking too long for him. We are long distance (temporarily). He hates being alone half the time, and lately has wondered “why am I waiting for someone I’m no longer attracted to?”
I should add that he used the line yesterday that he hasn’t been happy for a long time, even though he just isn’t happy at the slow pace of my weight loss. Everything else in our relationship “seemed” to be moving along well.
It’s mindblowing! We had a “10 year plan” in mind, including moving overseas for a lucrative career (relatively speaking) for me in my dream job, which would let my now ex-wife have worked part time and enjoy her passion as a personal trainer to women on the side. During the 18 months post D-Day “reconciling”, we went on a family holiday to the country and visited places I could work to network. I also went back myself a few months later and landed 2 interviews which went very well and I was offered two positions once a few things slid into place.
Up until the day in mid-Jan when I said “enough of the BS. You have made no progress in regards to repairing our marriage” and she literally said that all I was to her was a “flatmate babysitter”, we were planning suburbs to live in, schools for our kids to go to, how to rent out our place whilst we live overseas, how we will pay off our mortgage and then invest etc etc. It’s absolutely crazy!
Zell – spot on with the mundane life comment.
STXH walked out on 5 year old DD and I last year. I suspect the thought of going through the next 10 years of the same routines – school, homework, making lunches, extracurricular activities – yawned out in front of him and he lost his mind.
Plus, after blowing up our lives, he made a comment to me that he felt like he was competing for my attention with our 5 year old child.
Man-baby.
I know this thread is super old now, but I just wanted to chime in and say that I also got the “I was competing for your attention with your 10 year old NIECE.” Sorry we went to her school play once a year and saw her once every two months and sometimes talked to her on the phone.
Yep, my ex man-baby complained he felt like our kids were “his competition” for my attention, as well. “I’ve always been fourth in a family of four, when I was growing up, and now in this family!”
When I pointed out that if he knew anything about his mother or me, he was at MOST third, NEVER fourth, he got mad at me, lol.
That’s right motherfucker, chump parents are ALWAYS last in the family, because they put themselves there because they think of everyone else’s needs first, before their own!
Truth stings, especially when it effectively erases cheater’s attempt at a victim mentality. Hah.
What these Narcs don’t think about, is their future! Like when they’re older, and who is so important to us? The fine young people we raised! Even when you’re middle aged, a normal parent treasures visits from their children, they matter the most.
Preaching to the choir, because WE all know this.
When my ex left it was as if I had been raising him for the last 10 years and now that he had turned 18 he didn’t want to follow the house rules. So he moved out on his own. YOLO! But with his low paying job he couldn’t afford a place, so he had to move into his (real) parents’ basement. Bwahahaha! Now that it’s only me and the 2 kids, we have more space, more money, less cleanup, and less drama. YOLO!
My XH always said he hated drama and kaos but looking back he wasn’t happy unless he was buying something big or doing something major. Sometimes on Friday nights I would say something like “I think ill just make grilled cheese and soup for dinner. We have an unexpected bill and we’re broke this week”. He would act all sad and hurt like it was my fault we couldn’t go out to dinner and instead have to stay home. His biggest thing was making large purchases. He didn’t want to worry about how to pay for them, just how to initially acquire them
North – I also got the “I was competing for your attention with our 10 year old.” Morons.
OMG.. that’s so my XH.
He literally was jealous of the kids from moment they were born.
Pouted, sulked and gave me silent treatment for up to ten days at a time if dinner wasn’t ready on time even though I was working full time and dealing with a 1 year old and a 4 year old. Never thought to help out with kids or cook the fucking dinner himself. Once even declared, when dinner was a mere 5minutes late, that he didn’t want that particular dinner and proceeded to slam the door on his way out in a temper only to return 20 minutes later with a take away for just himself. So fucking selfish.
If kids woke up in next room during us having sex he would totally begrudge the fact that I left him and his sausage and went to settle the children. On my return he would either completely sulk and ignore me or coerce me into sex acts he knew I disliked to punish me. No kidding. I am still trying to recover from not standing up more to him over this. I only found out a few months ago that coercion in sex is technically actual sexual abuse. I’ve now added that to the list of emotional, mental and financial abuse I’ve suffered over the last 24 years being married to this creep. And the whole time it turns out he was repeatedly cheating on me with over 250 people and made sex tapes of this which I found.
So glad to be out of that marriage and this nasty entitled fuckwit is out of mine and kids lives.
Ally – I could have written much of what you said… I cannot imagine the horror of finding out the number of people and sex tapes on top of everything else. I’m glad you are free of the abuse.
THIS —> “Cheaters can’t handle normal mundane life. Everything has to be super exciting all the time or otherwise you are a bad person making them unhappy. They don’t do peaceful responsible content love and loyalty.”
Dr. Devil was complaining to a colleague about how much pain he still felt DAILY because of his first wifey cheating on him over 10 years ago. No kids between them. This colleague, after consoling the poor guy, came to find out he did this pity play WHILE he was having an affair with married mother of 3 ethics professor. (I just have to throw in the ethics professor thing every time. Irony is lost on these people.)
They are all buffoons. Some days I really can chuckle at his idiocy. Those are good days.
Funny how that happened to u, too. They do all have the same playbook!
Thank u for your reply
There are so many similarities in these stories. Mine too was planning a future with me right up until the day he wasn’t. How are they so convincing? I suppose years of practise. And being married to a chump who believes their words and forgets that only actions really matter.
I feel like I could have written your post Almosttomeh I’m so sorry you and everyone is going through this.
Zell, yes – new and shiny things. The excitement. It just apparently doesn’t compare to real, mundane, responsible life.
Mine wasn’t happy. Poor man. I hope he never is. I hope he regrets his choices everyday. Why do I feel like the worst person on earth for wishing that? Oh yes, because I am kind and decent.
He still stays at the house because he can’t go live alone. He won’t leave until he and she can move in together so he won’t be on his own. And/Or he won’t leave the house just in case she changes her mind and he won’t be left out in the cold as he will try to hoover you back in. They are just so pathetic.
Yep. I cant figure it out.
Thank u!
The irony is that they use you as a safe backstop as long as possible because they have doubts that the relationship with Schmoopie will work out, and they’re right! But, thank goodness, they eventually leave and yes, the relationship with the Schmoopie sucks because they suck. Shame they get away with using the Chump longer.
So I hope he leaves very soon or you’re able to get out. The sooner you don’t live together, the sooner he’s left alone to deal with his AP who’s at least as selfish and entitled as he is. Let them look after each other. It won’t work anyway but he doesn’t deserve to have you doing anything for him.
Omg thank u SO much kiwichump!!!!
Ugh, I am getting little PTSD chills reading your story. My X fuckwit had this sort of entanglement 10 years ago with a younger ho-worker. I pick me danced, confronted the nitwit and she dumped him. He then proceeded it sit there in his dirty little diaper and pretend to commit to the marriage. 9 years later he abandoned me for another ho-worker half his age. He stole the time from me, he sat there and lied and lied and lied, every day he stayed was a lie.
In the end he blamed me for it all and declared he never EVER loved me. How I wish he and OW#1 had gone off together back then. I know for sure they would not be together now because they are both cheaters who have exactly zero problem trampling the lives of little kids in the pursuit of their devine happiness and a path out of their middle age boredom. Twu Wuv would not have helped those characterless assholes navigate life when they lack basic bonding skills.
You were right. The middle of life with elementary school aged kids IS a grind. You have an obligation to keep going through it for the sake of the family and your duty to it even when (especially when) it is tough. Entitled people don’t think they have to play by those rules.
My advice is to follow through on the divorce. No matter if he comes back with hearts and roses and a big sad sausage tale. That just means he got dumped by her and needs a change of his poopy pants from his #1 mommy, you. If you fall for that routine he will just waste more of your life while he looks for a new shoulder to cry on, and then will blame you as he crushes you under his heel. I got that future-faking planning talk and declarations right up to the day he moved out and sent me an e-mail FU. They lie.
Cheaters gonna cheat.
((hugs))
So sorry this has happened to u. Thank u for sharing your experience so others can learn as well. I so appreciate u taking the time to help a fellow chump out!
I did that too almosttomeh. I bent over backwards to make it work. The harder I worked, the more time he spent with schmoopie. Its almost like at the end he was leaning on me to make the transition to life with the OW. Like I was his comfort food during this time. I kept dutifully playing pick me and working hard at our marriage and he was gearing up to go. I should have just cut everything off and went No Contact right away but I didn’t know what i was doing.
Thank u, wonder woman. Just curious, is ex still with Schmoopie? I just can’t believe his Schmoopie is leaving her family too to be with him. Evil monsters.
I just got divorced for the same exact reason as you Almost. He called me an ” obligation” and needed ” me ” time and move out to fid himself. I opened his phone and found texts to a howorker meeting up at a Supermarket in his brand new mustang with dark tint. Now it’s exactly a year later and after long night’s alone and reclaiming my life I realized that he never deserved me. Someday he might see what he lost or not, but for me I see that I lost a farce of a man. Someone who stepped on my kids a d my hurt to find his fake happiness. I know I am the real thing! I will always be kind and loving and he will always be a failure and a liar. No contact after he moves out and fi d yourself again. I guarantee there will be moments of sorrow but there will be more moments of pure bliss the further away you are from him. Xoxo sweet
Exactly! the years of having school aged children can be a grind, from weekly homework, school projects, activities especially mundane for those parents who enjoy being the center of attention and aren’t very interested in their children’s lives.
Our children don’t ask to be here and as parents we make a commitment to give them a solid foundation in which to develop.
It’s sad that our children’s lives are shattered, the security of having both parents together and available is destroyed. Their standard of living a lot of times goes down.
Spending time with both parents together will never happen again.
Holidays are split, meeting strangers they now call step parents. Traditions destroyed and split holidays for the rest of their lives, and their children’s lives visiting grandparents divided is another huge mess. Their future relationships will be effected. They certainly can’t learn from example when their father or mother is a cheater.
Our children pay a huge price for the Cheaters selfishness.
Long time lurker but first time comment.
This is the thing I can’t understand… How can they actually think they love their children when they put them through this just for some kicks and stranger sex? I mean, the deliberate (in my case) months of sneaking around, planning to meet up (whilst I was looking after the kids, of course), and then 18 months of lukewarm “reconciliation” after DDay (the affair continued for at least 6 months based on phone records I got after the fact etc, including the entire time we went to counselling).
This destruction is simply horrendous and wanton. Yet she still has the gall to get offended when I called her a “bad mother” one time!
Thank u, Brit.
That was why I wanted to reconcile. I still can’t believe while I was bending over backwards to make him happy, he was still carrying on with her!
I cant ever trust him and must move on.
Almosttomeh you are mighty! He doesn’t want to leave because of the kids? Right. He wants a big ass serving of cake. I bet it’ll be the twu wuvs in heaven living with her and her 2 small kids. Please be prepared that he may change his mind at some point. I don’t tell you this for hopium. I tell you this so you can be prepared and not be talking to him. Grey Rock.
I dealt with this thinking my poor husband isn’t a nasty ole cheater, he’s on a ho high, once that wears off he’ll come to his senses and recommit to me and the family. He’ll see what he’s missing. And he did and came begging back the first time. Only to leave for yet another schmoopie years later. He is a serial cheater. And he’s as bad if not worse than other cheaters.
Stay strong. Get that divorce. Move on with your life. I’m going to guess your kids will be forced to interact with his ho and her kids. But they won’t want to go with him. It will suck to be him. But once you realize how shallow his ‘love’ is, you’ll be so grateful to have him out of your life!
Thank u twiceachump!!!
I needed to hear that!
He says, “Its not like I am a serial cheater, she is my soulmate and our marriage died a long time ago.”
I will stay strong should that happen! I think i am strong enough now to not take him back, but that is only after reading CL’s book and learning to reject the blameshifting which was eating me alive as I was blaming myself.
Thank u again!!!!!
He may not be a serial cheater but who is to say Schmoopie is not? That could be fun to watch implode. Too bad it just equals more trauma for children.
Even if he is not, he cheated, and that is the ugly awful fact. Once is enough to kill the marriage. Like being fatally stabbed once versus multiple stabs. Why do people give the ‘only once’ so much leverage? Especially us chumps?
Peace and be strong!
Thank u!
Never thought about how it might be fun to sit back and watch them implode!
I’m just gonna let that train wreck happen.
He can have fun potty training someone else’s kids
Love it!!!
If he’s there for the kids- I suggest making him live it. Make sure he’s doing his half. Three nights a week, take your dinner into your room or go out with friends, and make it his night. He does half the baths, half their suppers and half their prepping. Half the laundry half the drop offs and pick ups. He does not get to just be around for the bed snuggles and the games.
Almosttomeh- wow… cheater ex said pretty much everything your asshole said to you! Stay strong. You know what you need to do to leave this ass. Do not let him back in your life. Even though you live together still, do your best to stay away from him. Every rope has an end…. you will get out of this situation and be rid of him. Stay strong!!!
Thank u Pret for the much needed pep talk!
The truth is, STBX will never be happy. He just doesn’t have the ability to see all the wonderful things in life. I wouldn’t want to live like that. Even in my darkest hours, I feel hope and love.
He traded EVERYTHING in for…..sex? Really? Sex is great but it’s not something to base your happiness on!
Yes I know exactly and put me at risk for an STD as he never protected himself. I got a divorce within s year!
So correct. Sociopaths miss out on the nuances of life. They are incapable of seeing the beauty in a baby’s face, a brilliant sunset or any of the myriad of wonderful parts of life. Mine never told me he was not happy, but actually asked ME if I was happy. I thought it was such an odd question. I guess I just did not possess the selfishness necessary to consider MY happiness. My life was spent thinking about the rest of them.
Agreed me too I’m a classic Empath and in the end it bit me in the arse but at least like I said to my mom, I kept my vows 24 years and I’m proud of myself!????
My boyfriend used to ask me questions like ‘Are you happy?’ ‘Do you love me?’ and ‘Don’t you want to date other people?’ when he discarded me. I think that he might have been projecting onto me and trying to assuage his guilt and possibly trying to get some kibble (ego boost) out of my responses. I don’t think that I will ever be able to figure it all out. I think that he was a strange, psychologically messed up guy, professional achievements notwithstanding.
Aussie, I think mine would trade everything for sex. Apparently there have been studies (https://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-j-linden/compass-pleasure_b_890342.html) on rats hooked up to a “pleasure” button that indicate rats would push the button over and over and over to the exclusion of even food. Scientists had to remove the rats from the button or they would starve to death. Cheater has a LOT in common with those rats.
With my cheater, though, sex wasn’t enough – because he was getting that with me. No, it had to be “mind-blowing” whatever that is. With me I guess it was just maintenance until his next “mind-blowing” experience from whatever OW he was boinking at the time.
I realized from the get-go that I can’t compete with affair sex, nor should I.
I was ready, willing, and able. However, I was also available because–doh–married! Sex with the AP, though, that’s much, much harder. It involves delayed gratification. It involves planning. It involves deception. It involves the deliciousness of possibly getting caught. All those combine to create an edgy experience that straight-up marital sex just doesn’t get (unless you start having sex in public places while trying to avoid being seen).
This is why 3 minutes of sex in the back of the minivan in the Walmart parking lot is more “mind-blowing” than the romantic interlude at home with the candles, bath salts, sexy lingerie, etc.
intimacy vs. intensity
It’s the thrill of the game!!!
Yeah, it fires off the same pleasure sensors as cocaine. (And although mine never developed Into a serious habit, he was an addict all the same,)
Sex with the ex was ho-hum. He never matured sexually. Somewhere along the line of his series of affairs, he stopped having sex with me. Used every excuse he had at his disposal — stress, fatigue, drinking, even feigned herpes breakout.
I now realize he was being “faithful” to his AP’s. Ewwwww. What kind of mindfuck is that?
Omg Herpes break, lol! That’s what mine is going to have he never protects himself
Mine gave up his only child for his 401K. I wanted to move out of state to be closer to my parents and he would only give me permission to take her if I promised not to touch his 401K. Now, does that sound like a “person” who can ever know happiness? How do you walk away from your only child and still be happy? I’ve maintained that he will have moments of “happiness” like at the ballgame, beer festivals, bars and vacations with his mistress…. but be truly happy? Never… but if you ask him, there’s no problem. He’s doing the best he can. One/two phone calls a week lasting 2 minutes… dream parenting. Oh and it’s my fault because daughter takes her cue from me…what’s a cheater to do? After all, he wasn’t happy for a really long time!
I’d say it was definitely worth it….for you and your daughter.
It continues to be worth it. I can go full No Contact and I don’t have to co-parent… it’s a win win for me.
Absolutely Pret, win win for you and you daughter. I only wish mine had gone no contact.
Congratulations!
How does he walk away from his only child?
Because he doesn’t think like you.
My ex chose his affair partner over his son and daughter.
He told my kids they had to make peace with his choice…..they didn’t.
Now he’s 50 with an affair partner over a decade younger (who is also a cheater) living in a shitty rental house, gave up half his stuff in the divorce, raising her elementary school age children instead of enjoying his accomplished young adult children ( D21 and S26) who have walked out of his life because he’s toxic and because they were issued the order that to be good they needed to “accept” his affair partner.
My kids had him figured out looong before I did. I respect their choice. They will sell their kids out for a 401k, no alimony…….the boat. They will sell their families for anything because they don’t attach to people.
There is only one good thing about cake. If you play your cards right you can negotiate a great settlement if they are trying to keep their cake intact. Mine signed off on some crazy shit because he wanted to maintain his good guy image, and if it blew up with her we weren’t so estranged that he couldn’t circle back. But 3 years out he’s probably scratching his head that he gave up so much to somebody he doesn’t even talk to anymore, but at the time he wanted to dump us…..but not too much.
Dick.
Worked out for me. He’s gone, I got a great settlement, he’s with her which is fine (they deserve each other) and I have the love and respect of my kids.
He made his bed, now he can lay in it.
I’m sorry he sold out your daughter for the 401k….super shitty. You have an amazing new life with your child away from that toxic asshole……money well spent.
Agreed these pieces of filth could care less mine sold off his gold wedding band I found out to help but “DRUGS” for his first tramp and lied right to my face!????
I realised mine removed his wedding room within 24 hours of discovering I’d filed for divorce. At no point did he make any effort to talk things through, fight for me and the kids or anything. He just wanted the house. And his stream of swinger fuckbuddies it turned out he’d amassed over half our marriage.
Took me 9 weeks to remove my wedding ring – damn thing wouldn’t come off! It’s been 16 months since I removed it but there’s still a slight indent in my finger – i wish it would go as I don’t want to be reminded I was ever married to that bastard.
Thinking back, my STBXW “lost” her wedding ring about January 2015 after a day trip up the coast with our 2 kids, her sister and her 4 kids, to visit who became the AP (sister’s neighbour), his wife and 4 kids who were on holiday at a resort.
Yes, alarm bells didn’t ring at that stage, no idea why.
That’s a good 6 months before I thought the affair started. She made show of being concerned and everyone looking for it etc but in the end wore a replacement ring (one I’d given over the years) as it was gone.
6 months later she “lost” that whilst training at the gym with AP hitting pads. My 3 year old “found” it 5 months later when his ball knocked over mummy’s gym bag and he was “helping” to pick up the contents and put them back in. I left it sitting on the table after sending here a picture of it.
Her delusion was such that around Christmas 2016 she had the gall to say that the AP bought her earrings”because he lost my ring”. Even though we found the ring a month before.
Thank you for reminding me of this, it makes me wonder when this triangle (STBXW, AP, STBXW’s sister – don’t ask) actually began.
So much like my XH.
When he found out we were getting divorced he spent 3 hours going on about how he couldn’t bear to lose the house. Took him 3 days to remember our dependent daughter and ask what about her? Then he declared she was totally my responsibility now. Whilst we still lived in the same house our daughter suffered 2 grand seizures as she is epileptic and he just ignored her and left me to deal with these. Un fucking believable.
Daughter and I left last summer. He hasn’t bothered to contact her except for one text message which she chose to ignore. He hasn’t seen our son (22 and independent) in over 2 years – son is more than fine with this as he saw through his dads bullshit years ago.
XH plays victim card to friends claiming he doesn’t get to see his kids when it’s him that makes no effort to contact them. I made an attempt to explain that he needed to take that initiative as he was the parent but he literally couldn’t understand this and said it was up to his kids to contact him! These narcs really are that fucking entitled. He has given up his kids. Luckily both our kids are fine and neither are interested in seeing him.
But he’s ok because he got the precious house! I’m fine with that because it turned out he was bringing home strangers and having sex with them in our family home whilst me and kids were at work/school. Once I discovered this I didn’t want the damn house.
It’s true that these narcs cannot legitimately love or respect anyone else.
I’ve come to accept that the only thing my XH did respect about me was my salary.
You are so right Paintwidow. My ex told me on dday that he wanted to do what he wanted. He did not touch my assets (way more than his) so he could sell our home and buy a business with his fuckbuddy. My youngest who was a daddy’s girl is seeing what a pos he really us. I sparkled for years. That is what breaks my heart. I would never give up the love and respect of my children.
Dick is right Paintwidow.
When I asked my STBX what he told his parents about the end of our marriage (not only did he cheat but he flew into a narcissistic rage in front of the children [including three girls over to our house for a play date] when I asked him one evening to not text his girlfriend in front of me. That rage ended up in a physical altercation between he and my 14 year old son so I kicked him out that night), he told me that “no, he hadn’t told him the circumstances under which he left but they knew that ultimately he could never find his happiness with me”. (Note: I was trying to understand what they knew since my 14 year old son refused to see his father at that point. They confronted my son about his behaviour saying [wirh some assumptions that he was just being a petulant teen] – “your father is miserable” and “family forgives so you need to forgive”. Needless to say, them not knowing also fed the STBX’s commentary that “I was poisoning my son against him”.)
With how much I contorted myself to please, the pick-me dance that I attempted for three months previous (I had found out about the AP on his birthday) as well as the blame I constantly shouldered every time he stated “we have never been connected” (the insinuation being that I was too much of a cold fish who couldn’t connect), this explanation was one more kick in the face (they continue to come), about how he viewed the dissolution of our marriage in this last year. Moreover, it reinforced that none of this was ever about my happiness (nor the children’s who he always claimed were his number one priority – real father of the year material here) – it was all about my inability to “make him happy”.
Sorry for the long-winded message – today’s post just was a harsh reminder of what I have synthesized in the last few months about my 17 year marriage to a narcissist. I never understood what I was doing wrong but I certainly now understand that he was never going to grant me any concessions that I might have done right by him. And my happiness? Well it never was about that silly girl!
I know all about Narcs, adult children having tantrums so pathetic
Family may forgive but they should also be the ones who hold you to the right standard of conduct even if you cannot do it for yourself.
Kibbled Again
Are you suggesting that your 14 yo son stood up for you and the family ?
My goodness – what a brave young man knowing right from wrong and standing up to your cheaters behaviour.
Your ex is a wuss of a ‘man’ to physically assault a 14 yo, knowing who was wrong and who was right.
Kudos to you for raising a young man with such strong values and a positive moral compass.
Agreed my kids didn’t protect me at all I was to blame for the divorce and that’s ok but I stand my ground. I told my 16 year old daughter that when she was mature enough to call me I would be here. I refuse to be made a fool of and I will not tolerate my husband slutting around!
Blee, exactly what I was thinking. The kid was a bigger man than his dad.
Thank you Mehta for your kind comments.
Kibbled Again – please let your son know that the guys (and girls) of Chump Nation have got his back and will morally support him in any way we can.
This sort of bullying by KA’s ex is NOT APPROPRIATE and should not be tolerated.
(Yes – I am a bit pissed with what was said and done)
@Blee and @Mehtamorphosis – my 14 year old did get physical and swear like a trucker himself during the incident. While I do accord him some guilt of how it played it out (and we have reviewed it in therapy) – he shouldn’t have been put in that position anyways (he was defending me while his father railed on about “how he loved cheating on me and it was so easy to do” while at the same time insisting that I was having an affair [not to explain the obvious but I wasn’t]). My son lashed out at him and shouted expletives (all within earshot of the five girls in our household at the time). When I got my son settled down and on his way out the door, my STBX reached around me and hit him which re-initiated the fight anew. Since they were both bigger than me, I threatened to call the cops on my husband unless he backed off. We got in the car and drove away while my ex insisted that “your mom needs to know my side of the story”. I told him to get out that night and that I was done with his behaviour since he scared me and my son.
“Family forgives”… ya, that seems to be the mantra the Exnarc has for the kids. He can do horribly hurtful shit to the kids over and over, but they have no RIGHT to feel angry with him!! He’s their father & can do what he wants & they just have to deal with it. Funny that they are starting to deal with it by not talking to him or wanting him around. Which is totally unacceptable in his eyes. I cannot wait until the boys are old enough to make their own decisions & these forced visitations can end.
Yup and here in Canada it is such a joke our laws that I was told by a judge in Calgary Canada that” Yes it’s filthy Mrs. Dudeck but it’s not illegal! Even with two schoolage children under the roof that judge didn’t give a rats ass!????????????
“Family forgives?” Family builds up equity in the “love and trust” bank, doesn’t continually run a negative balance. Family mutually respects one another, doesn’t treat each other like hired hands, props in a play, a paycheck, or blow-up dolls. Family admits when they have done something wrong, and, because they love you, feel genuine remorse, make amends, try not to do it again. Family doesn’t tell you to just get over it.
This “family” business needs to go both ways, or else it’s just window dressing for abuse. Or else it’s a really shitty family I want no part of.
Preach! And this family considers themselves pillars of the community. I have no disrespect for my in-laws (save their constant enablement of his shitty behaviour) but they need some visibility to what is going on before making any judgements on how our nuclear family reacts to their son. While I have appreciated all they have brought to our lives, their desire to not be “real” about how our family functions (or dysfunctions) means that there is not much to miss on my part. My kids just know that going to their house means everyone wears their “happy mask”.
Very similar to my situation. My son has let his father back into his life but they see each other for about three to four hours per week total (and he is wise to his father with comments like “dad is really laying it on thick in his need for me as his supply” – he has had to accelerate his understanding of narcissism in order to manage his relationship). My younger girls (12 and 9) vassilate between being accommodating (they say “you know how dad is” to just staying home or arranging play dates when it’s “his time”). He’s not raging any longer in their presence (at least for now) but he can’t seem to figure out what it means to work to their happiness instead of his own (it’s strange that spending a morning at the auto parts store might not be their definition of fun).
For me, I’m putting faith in CL’s reminder that these kids do figure it out. They know who “home” is and they just gradually grow away from defining themselves in contrast to what daddy “needs from them” (because it’s not about what daddy “gives to them”). I have to work with that reassurance in my own head because most days I want to strangle him over how he laid waste to our lives.
Well, when he says “the kids don’t want to be around me! You’ve poisoned then against me!” …. all you have to say is “the kids haven’t been happy for a long time. You clearly understand that, right?”
Aaaawwwww, SNAP!!!!
That’s freaking awesome!!!!????????????????????????
Oh Alexandra, I love you!!????❤️????
The best answer!! I’ll have to remember that!
Drop the mic!
Boom!
Great comeback!!!!
Snap! Awesome reply.
Thats a good insight.
I’m sure everyone on this site would say everyday wasn’t full of joyousness but we’re just happy to be married, kids, a house and comfortable living. Things were in the usual routine of kids, work, school, vacations…you all know the script.
Sure we all had bad days, arguments etc.. but our lives that we had created were more important than cake and kibbles. Till death do us part and all that, we took the rough with the smooth, and accepted it.
Looking back I guess I wasn’t happy, but still valued what we had, and would have fought tooth and nail to keep it..her cheating took that choice away from me and my kids.
Never give up people, never give up.
Exactly Mickey – it’s just part of what you sign up for in marriage or a LTR, especially with kids involved. It’s about teamwork and working together to get through the rough times and take it on the chin when things get hard so that you and your family can get to a better place.
Sneaking around whilst the other parent is looking after the kids (in my case I was the babysitter), definitely doesn’t make me feel any happier – though seems to have done the trick for my ex!
Well said!
Exactly. I wasn’t happy every moment of every day but I didn’t expect to be. I looked at the big picture and felt that overall I was better off with him than without him. It never occurred to me to go see if I could find somebody else who could make me happier than I already was. I said vows and I was done looking. I would not have left him unless he made me miserable enough to feel that I would be better off alone. I guess pretty good wasn’t enough for him though. He must have felt that he was happier with me than alone, but wanted to see if he could be even happier with somebody else. As soon as he found that somebody who made him ecstatic, mostly happy became unhappy and he “hadn’t felt like my husband in years” and “we were just parents” and “nothing good ever came out of our marriage other than the kids” I guess happiness is all relative.
Damn, chumpinrecovery, you are singing my song here. Every word
I don’t think they have the ability to be alone. They need constant attention, and too long on their own and their attention starts to focus on the dark void that is their soul.
^^^this!!!
Constant attention – yes! But those further along on the narcissism spectrum need even more than that: admiration. When we no longer admire them (because we end up doing most of the adulting and it’s hard to admire a big baby in a grown man’s body), they look for someone else.
They’re “happy” as long as a relationship has a narc plus someone who thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips.
I don’t think they ever stop looking for the next worshiper.
I agree, well said ~ Mickey.
Even after what my cheating asshole did to us, I still wanted to work on the marriage.
His solution? Abandon me and file for divorce to be with the Circus Clown.
I took our marriage vows seriously ~ him? I don’t think he ever heard them.
I feel your pain Jodi – I spent 18 months after DDay #2 trying to reconcile and keep my family intact. Still wanted to work on it and work through it, even though it hurt like hell. In the end, after that 18 months I was only a “flatmate babysitter” (of our kids) to her, and nothing else. So in the end I had to end it. Didn’t want to do it, and resent her for it immensely. She can now tell our kids that I was the one who divorced her and ended the marriage. Not that her cheating on me for at least 9 months (6+ after I confronted her, 2+ after I called the AP up directly).
Indeed and I remember trying to explain this to him: That I valued US and OUR happiness and our FAMILY’s happiness. I indeed was grateful for my family, my marriage, my past and future. He wasn’t a great husband or father and I wasn’t super happy. I was frequently… disappointed… I think that’s the best word. But I was very “glass half full” about it. I have a beautiful life. I have a life many many people can only dream of. I appreciate my life, my marriage, my family. Him? Man oh man, what a shock it came to me how much he cared about his Own Personal Happiness. I literally said to him, “you are obsessed with your own happiness” and his response was literally, “well duh!”. I also remember him asking me, “How are you happy? Why are you happy? What is it you’re doing to be happy?” Like he wanted to know my secret. I told him, “Well, I don’t sit around thinking about how unhappy I am all the time” He replied “I can’t help it”. He also had the balls to say to me “I was happy until I met her and realized how unhappy I was….” I was like sooooo….. you’ve been unhappy ever since you met her? You don’t care to make a connection there? Moron. Anyway, it’s very clear to me now that we have always had a fundamnetal difference in values: I value lifelong marriage and partnership, family, roots, traditions, stability, home. He values his own personal happiness for the next five minutes. I wish I had seen that about him when I was young, looking back it’s obvious to me now. But at the time, I didn’t have the wisdom to see it…
Excellent you and me both struggling I didn’t see it either until he hooked up with his latest tramp!
I had gotten to the point where I saw him and his constant self centered, entitledness as a strain on my happiness too. I even told him ‘as long as you get what you want, you’re good’ when he told me no to ordering an appetizer I enjoyed. I always knew he was high maintenance and needy. He was exhausting, trying to walk on eggshells around him. But alas, I thought marriage was hard and I needed to give more.
When I found out about yet another schmoopie in our 20 years together, it felt like a double edged sword. I was devastated about how my kids’ lives would change forever and giddy about how I didn’t have to tolerate a chronically miserable, middle aged man.
Twiceachump, that is an excellent description! My ex, too, was a “chronically miserable, middle-age man.”
Narcs don’t get better with age. Or marriage. Once they’ve put a ring on it and taken their chump off the market, they have a captive audience and slowly but surely their best behavior dissipates. In their minds “happiness” is what they want, when they want it Not always achievable in real life.
So true, Survivor. I would venture to say that most Cheaters here had a good life (loving supportive spouses, beautiful children) but were like that character in Sandler’s movie CLICK and in making crap choices, threw it all away. I’m not talking about the material stuff either. I just don’t believe they will ever be truly happy.
Yeah, that describes my dynamic with ex pretty well too. The thing is I went along with it. I bent over backwards to accommodate his happiness because I thought his being happy was the key to the family being happy. I was so wrong. I totally lost sight of what was right for the family as a whole by focusing so much on him. I went along with decisions that benefitted him but not necessarily the family. In the end he still wasn’t happy and he chose to blow up his family. Our happiness was certainly never on his mind.
struggling, champchump & chumpinrecovery – For a long time I had something gnawing at me that this was my marriage/our family as well. Then 6-9 months ago I came to the horrible realization that this WAS my marriage/our family. My attorney is in the process of drafting a settlement. It will be very interesting to see what he will negotiate so the kids and I can be free to move the next state over to have the long overdue family support nearby. He did not like it when I told him it was his turn to make it work for the kids and I.
Struggling, you’ve accurately described my marriage as well. I think the difference between us and our husbands is narcissistic personality disorder. They have it; we don’t. Like you, I wish I’d realised this at the beginning of the relationship instead of the end. If I had, it would have given me a better chance of finding the lifelong marriage my parents had and that I assumed I would too.
That’s a good summation @mickey. Yes, tooth and nail indeed.
Well said, Mickey. The cure for frustration or disappointment is gratitude. Chumps are capable of that, in spades. Cheaters are not.
Agreed cheaters want it all, the Conservative wife at home with the kids and the delicious cake on the side. Sorry I didn’t sign on for an “OPEN” marriage
“The cure for frustration or disappointment is gratitude.”
I love that comment Owlbaby. I’m going to keep that one in my back pocket. ????
When I look at Chuckles’ actions over the previous 8 months prior to DD#2, because he said naff all about being unhappy.
He wanted to re-mortgage with a four not two year fixed rate tied in with penalty mortgage, he purchased a £30k truck even though I wanted a cheaper one but thought he works hard so I’ll work out a way to afford it (yes finances were solely my responsibility), he insisted, and I mean really insisted, on a romantic city breaks in Europe…
Struggling to find the “I’ve been unhappy for a long time now” as he rushed off to plunge his genitals into my previously a friend.
Truth is they are not ‘unhappy’ per se until they are offered snatch on a plate, so they rewrite history.
Chumpy chump, exactly!!! They are not unhappy!!! They rewrite history!!!
It’s like CL says- look at actions before words. He was perfectly happy to live a cakey existence before discovery.
I just have not been happy for along time. That is what my stbx said to me when I found out about him screwing my cousin. He seemed happy when he was going out 4 to 5 nights a week. He seemed happy that I paid all the bills while he kept most of his pay check. He seemed happy when I kept the house cleaned, cooked and did all the shopping. Yes, he was perfectly happy until he got caught. When in fact I was the unhappy one. It is very hard taking on all that responsibility with no support from your spouse. But, things do get better.
Yeah totally been there (minus the cousin bit – so sorry! 🙁 ). STBXW was going out 4-5 nights a week whilst I gladly looked after our 2 kids and dealt with their tantrums, bathed them, put them to bed etc. Guess she just wasn’t happy *with me* though, and couldn’t tell me straight to my face so cheated on me for over 6+ months with her sister’s neighbour who is an absolute douchebag.
After DDay1, my ex said that he was happy 95% of the time, and had been happier with me for a longer time than he had ever been with anyone in his life. After 5 more DDays that escalated in detail from ambiguous emotional betrayal to lots of fucking — and the subsequent failed wreckonciliation — he claimed that he had been unhappy for the entire 13 years of our marriage and could never be himself with me because I constantly invalidated him. He claimed that our marriage was toxic to him, and he could only be the person he wanted to be with my niece. She is 30 years younger than him.
Toxic to HIM? I had to laugh at that after all the gaslighting, silent treatment, blameshifting, projection and yaddayaddayadda he subjected me to. Turned out all the pick-me dancing was with my own shadow. He was never really there. And if the person he wants to be is 19, well good riddance mister. I’ll find me a real man.
Oh my goodness – so sorry to hear that! But go you!
But I totally understand that whole thing. I got the same treatment when I stupidly bought a Valentine’s Day card and gift as part of our “reconciliation” time (18 months wasted – I should have stayed moved out and would already be legally divorced). She told me to my face that she had never loved me for the entire time we had married, and simply married me to get away from her toxic family. That I was nice/gentle/etc. so was “safe” but that she was never attracted to me in any way and could never be intimate with me again.
Exactly. I made my needs smaller and smaller. I gave up more and more things. I bit my tongue when years went by without opportunities to visit friends far away while I held down the fort and he ran up bills doing things that he enjoyed with people he enjoyed over long weekends away or during the evenings. Yet, in the end he complained about how unhappy he was.
And he should of been. On a simple mechanical level, he lost cooking, cleaning, administrative assistance, a task Rabbit errand girl, childcare, and access to my paycheck.
Oddly enough, the 30-years-younger “soul mate” did not appear interested in jumping in to fill all these “happiness” gaps once that job opening was legally available.
The best thing I ever did was finally take him at his word that I was a “terrible” wife. Abandoning his definition of a wife made me much happier.
Oh my goodness, yes. Made my needs smaller and smaller to try to accommodate. That’s why the end can be so scary-you really don’t have much of the “self” you brought to the marriage/relationship left.
One of the hardest (but most rewarding) things in “getting a life” is that rebuild. Rediscovering who I am, discovering what I am capable of and realizing that the gaslighting is all about disordered X.
And hey, it’s Tuesday!
This exactly.
So now rediscovering the real me after being lost in the last 24 years of a marriage which I now know was a total lie.
Spent so many years pandering to his every whim to keep him happy and keep the peace. Kids and I walked on eggshells around that selfish fuckwit all those years.
I too put any remnant of my own happiness to the bottom of the list.
So reversing that behaviour now I’m divorced from Mr Cockwomble narc.
I was happy as long as he was happy. I’m not being sarcastic, it’s true. Made his life so much easier in so many ways. Never thought about if I was happy or not. I’m not ashamed of that but I see now how misguided it was. He had a 2 year affair and it almost killed me. Working my way back now. I always thought so much of him but he turned out to be such a selfish bastard. After 27 years. Feels like I wasted the best part of my life.
Yep! And then NEVER invalidate our own needs again. Needs are things we need. We can’t minimize them and be healthy. People who love us in a healthy way don’t want us to. Feeling like we have to do that to get along with a person is it’s own red flag.
So needed that right now – you expressed that so clearly. I have no idea what a “healthy love” actually is, after 13.5 years of being with a dysfunctional narc as my only real relationship. But I look forward to it and hope I can find it soon!
SydneyChump – they are all idiot fools and every cheater I’ve known or heard of has DOWNGRADED. Big time. I know your heart is breaking for your kids, but they have one strong, stable parent, and will get through this. Have you all worked out the custody?
Sending peace and positivity your way.
Thank you so much for your reply and positivity – it means a lot! Reading from others who have come out the other side (or are at least further along) is invaluable to me.
The AP was my STBXW’s sister’s neighbour. Married with 4 kids and had a thing going with my STBXW, her sister (don’t ask), and at least 1 or 2 other women (I’ve got evidence of all that). Total douchebag that I met in person a few times before all of this mess.
I have the kids 4 nights per week, and am so glad of that. I wish it was more as even though they’re chaos, they’re my life and ground me. It’s a definite adjustment period for both them and me. I sonetimes wish I’d stayed in the house but I couldn’t handle the shattered dreams or memories so a fresh start is probably best.
I hope everything is going well for you there; so glad I stumbled across this site!
Sydneychump – hang in there. I know what you mean about not being able to imagine true, reciprocal love. After a decade of abuse, it takes a long time to recover.
Hopefully I’ll get there… After callimg it quits almost 3 months ago after 18 months trying to reconcile and keep my family together, I know I deserve better and hope to find it.
The waves of random feelings and wishing my STBXW would see the error of her ways and want me back are crushing sometimes, though. Especially when my 5 and 3 year olds ask why we can’t all live in the house together again.
Can’t believe she destroyed their family for douchebag dick.
Amiisfree – Yes! This this this!! I am just starting to get into this mindset.
Preach! All. of. this.
“When in fact I was the unhappy one”.
This.
I think he was happy with me doing all the adulting until AP separated from her husband then he was all, “I’m so unhappy.” Bullshit! He just wanted out of the obligation of our marriage so he could devote his time to jumping his fuckbuddy before she found someone else.
I go this too. Cheater said he hadn’t been happy for 7 years, no 10 years… we were married for 14… I was stunned. I would be lying if I said it felt like a slap in the face. Then I discovered CL and CN and realized this is just Cheaterspeak straight out of the Cheater handbook. An excuse to fuck someone else and blame it on me…. fast forward 9 months later, divorced, he no longer has me, his daughter, my family, his family or any friends to speak of… oh but he has his “soulmate” whom things are “effortless” with….. hope you’re happy now asshole.
* it didn’t feel like a slap in the face
After I discovered the affair my X claimed he was unhappy for the last year, no make that two years – nope at the end he was telling me he was unhappy for five years.
I had NO IDEA. Like Mickey Blue Eyes, for me it was for better or worse – and life is a routine after 30 plus years. I thought a good routine. Nope, his “happiness” reigns supreme.
Marriage counseling would have helped us. Never had the chance. I am working on me now and see the red flags that were there all along.
While he for sure has shown narc tendencies – I am not sure. Definitely rage at times and a lack of empathy. I cannot untangle. I will never understand why he destroyed our family. He of course blames me because “I filed and left HIM” but he did not stop cheating and never showed any remorse!
Rambling. Anyway – this post hit home. Hugs CN.
Livefoetoday2, I got the same blameshift from my ex. When I finally pulled the plug and left him (5th dd) because he lied about messaging a woman from POF, he turned it all around to “I ran out on him and ruined him….he wanted to make it work….”
And now he is the victim.
Why can’t they just act right the first Time? Why does it take some big dramatic confrontation and leaving them for them to promise to be better? I have concluded ex just never loved me the way I loved him. You just don’t treat people you love that way. He swears up and down that he loved me….ugh.
Yeah, even though mine had made sex tapes of himself with over 250 other people he still had the nerve to claim that he had been loyal and committed to our relationship!
Delusional twat.
Impression management for their own disordered mind, is why they become the “victim”.
We went to MC once. He lied to the counselor and said the affair was over. The next day I caught the two of them together. The day after that they both took the day off to screw each other at a motel ( which was obviously planned in advance)… why continue to lie? Thank god we’re now over.
Oh and when I confronted him about the “planned” day off he took to screw her- his answer-
“Did it ever occur to you that she was comforting me?” Yeah… you were having a year and a half affair but YOU needed comforting? How much more fucking delusional can you be?
Poor whittle baby, he needs comforting. Did she bring his binky and soft blankey to the motel??
My X said he and OW went to a hotel room near the airport to ‘talk’ – HAHAHAHA
Is that what they call banging a whore, nowadays? “TALK?” Shoot, then I must be banging every person I say hello to every day. I’m friggin’ exhausted!
Yes, whenever my friends and I are sad, my friends and I get a hotel room so we can “comfort” one another. We can’t **really** talk in parks or restaurants or cars. Comfort clearly requires a bed, a mini bar, and probably some skeevy TV.
Whatever, Dude.
???? Amisfree, priceless!
Yup. This. I got the “ I’ve been unhappy for 20 years”, at the first dday. In those 20 years we bought and sold properties, travelled every year including a grand tour of Italy he always wanted, bought cars trucks, motorcycles, cottages etc all that he wanted. He spent large amounts of money on his bad habits. Cue the 4 year pick me dance where I mostly supported us and went on to also buy a house in Florida. We were 3 home owners on a beer budget. Crazy pick me dancing. Oh and I was not allowed to (ever) say no to sex because “ sex is very important to me”. By the way we were very active in that regard before he said that. Cut the massive financial abuse—him working part time and then not at all while stealing 500k of our retirement money. That’s showing his family( wife and two kids) the love isn’t it? Followed up by leaving for schmoopie after using our line of credit to wine and dine and gift her up like he had never done for me in 34 yestsy( at the time) marriage. Monster.
Cue not cut
Jeebus. Yes “sex is very important to me – it’s my love language”. Barf! Especially when that love language meant a porn and masturbation addiction too so that he couldn’t perform any longer without support.
My one slice of karma thus far is that he told me that he had to buy a “device” to help him get aroused (you know, since he bought that three weeks out from leaving with our joint credit card knowing that a sex shop purchase would aggravate chumpy me when I reconciled the bills that month).
Monsters indeed. All around.
Well, my love language is a bullshit free life, and you clearly can’t meet my needs there, Cheater. So, sayonara.
Amiisfree, thank you for this laugh! So funny!
You don’t get to pick crap out of the sky and call it your love language. For example:
“Punching kids in the face is my love language, Officer. I need to do that to be happy, and my happiness is really important!”
You reminded me of something. When ex was still living in the house and running to see schmoopie( while we were already separated but trying to figure out the next steps including him trying to convince me to leave), he complained loudly to me about not being able to “get it up”, I just said funny you never had that problem with me.. asshole
They’re incapable of being genuinely happy. They enjoy the sparkles of the new relationship, shiny, new, and special, fresh. It inevitable, in time, the honeymoon phase fades, everyday routines of life takes over. No longer considered the newly weds, or cute couple, AP’s habits Cheater once thought were adorable become annoying. Cheaters then focus on these annoyances and disagreements which they use as justification to find happiness elsewhere.
I heard the “I haven’t been happy in a long time,” “you never loved me,” “you’re never happy,” (news to me), all bullshit, lame excuses for his unhappiness with himself.
Yes, Brit. Cheater told me that with the mistress, it is “effortless”… this was/is proof of exactly what a child he is. Marriage takes effort and work but let’s not spoil their fun… let time unravel the soulmates. Me? I’ll take my sweet, smart beautiful daughter… he can have “effortless”
Well then, I must be grateful for your ungodly circumstance, and remind myself to go relish and benefit from articles you’ve posted that I have not yet read. Bam, each time your insight really Cns me out of the mindfuckery. Thankyou!!!!
I heard so many versions of this from my STBX.
“I haven’t been happy for a long time.”
“I’ve known for years that I have no connection to you, but I soldiered on for the kids.”
“I’ve been very selfless by pretending to feel what I don’t feel.”
“I don’t feel for you what I’m supposed to feel.”
To our kids after I kicked him out: “Mom and I haven’t been happy for a long time.” And, “Mom and I have had intimacy issues for years.” [Yes, he actually said that to my 16 year old.]
And on and on and on. Notwithstanding all of the foregoing, I had to kick him out of my house and out of our marriage. Given his misery, you would think he would have left on his own.
That was a truth there, “intimacy issues” exist when one of you is fucking around.
He was such a saint to have sacrificed his “happiness” for the sake of his loser family… quick, somebody give this asshole a medal… call The NY Times, the Washington Post… we have spotted a saint among us… ????
I will PROVE to you that I can make you happy! I can control your destiny! I can WIN!
The Limited landed right where he belongs with an ugly controlling cunt. That bus sealed his fate.
On the happiness scale I’m pretty sure he lost on all accounts. He’s finally with his equal.
Having enough and divorcing him gave me a life! Thank God as I’m nearing retirement age in five or six years I’ve had time to plan.
The OW got shabby seconds. Her life was lived in chaos and regardless of what she believes she got the booby prize.
For anyone on the fence age matters. Protect yourself.
I spent 16 years doing everything humanly possible to make sure my cheater had the best, most stress free life possible. I’ve been the main breadwinner, taken care of the kids (I don’t think he’s ever been to one single parent-teacher conference or a doctor’s appointment in 14 years), made home-cooked meals every day, kept a spotless house and supported him in taking a 2-month sabbatical every year to travel to his home country (under the guise of seeing his family) while I stayed behind and kept it all together. His only responsibility was to go to work for 8 hours every day. I found out 3 years ago that his trips were just cheating sprees with another man (talk about mindfuckery at its best). I did the pick me dance until I realized that me and the kids would never be his priority. We are just his cover, his opportunity to be gay (and well taken care of) without having to admit it to anyone (not even himself). When I decided I was done and stopped making things easy for him (i.e., I stopped letting him walk all over me and started protesting about his lifestyle), he actually looked me in the eyes and said “you just don’t want to be happy.” What an ungrateful miserable chump I am…..why can’t I just go with the flow and let him keep fucking me over??
Hey! Me, too, with the secretly gay husband, who used me as his beard and baby maker for 15 years, while he went on many long, romantic vacations with his former coworker, Mr. Schmoopie. When I found his text saying “I love you” to the OM, and dragged my feet on agreeing to move across the country to be closer to the closeted OM and his family, then I was discarded. Divorcing in a fault state for adultery was the reason I had to hire a PI and get the awful proof of what my gut was screaming at me ever since seeing the infamous I love you text. He still tells everyone we divorced because he was unhappy for years and I had postpartum depression, etc. They tell the same stupid lies.
Omg, os was traumatic for you.
Sorry you had to go through this BS
Get far away and work on YOU
Xo
Me too! Only mine turned out to be bisexual and was/is advertising himself as a bisexual rent boy on a swingers website. He even had bloody feedback reviews,
Turned out he liked to bring young guys into our family home whilst me and kids out at work/school and tie them to our stairway whilst wanking them off. He secretly taped loads of these encounters. Was also running swingers parties at local hotel and streaming action live to internet with a pay to view set up. And he had £400 a month hooker habit – female hookers- as well as a large collection of women’s shoes and panties which I found in the garage and later discovered he was wearing.
I genuinely have no idea who the fuck I married.
It is a lie, lie, lie said by a lying liar. Notice how the times of their supposed unhappiness changes. One year then five years then (random number) eight years.
It is much like every other lie they tell in that it is constantly changing. Because it is a lie. What a bunch of robotic freaks.
Yes, their default mode is lie. They even lie about general stuff that they don’t need to lie about.
I got all that projected onto me. He told me that **I** was clearly not happy and that he was trying SO hard to do everything to make me happy, but I just wouldn’t be.
It was one of those conversations that seemed so out of place and context. If my first husband had tried to tell me how I felt, I would have told him to stuff it, but this one did and I spent time trying to figure out why I was unhappy when overall, I really wasn’t.
I couldn’t see the deflection or projection at the time because I simply didn’t realize he was doing it.
I got that kind of thing a lot too. I ball my fists when I place them on the table in a restaurant because it is more comfortable and there is more room on the table that way. Evidently that is a sign that I am tense and unhappy. After ex pointed that out I tried to always keep my hands flat on the table, but it wasn’t natural for me so I would inevitably end up balling them again, he would complain that I was tense, and then I would become tense because I was tense about him thinking I was tense. I had a similar problem with folding my arms. I always fold my arms when I am cold, but even if I am not cold sometimes it is just more comfortable. What else am I supposed to do with my arms? It was clearly a sign that I was angry all of the time, even if I was completely unaware of it. I would also get the random “you seem unhappy” when I was completely unaware of having been unhappy. Then I would be left to wonder what I was so unhappy about. According to him, I also didn’t like having sex, didn’t really want him and sex with him was such a burden. I put a lot of effort into proving to him that I was happy, calm and satisfied with my sex life. I worked so hard at proving my happiness to no avail that it probably did make me tense and unhappy in the end.
Geez ! Projection much ?
Get this. Douchebag Cheater STBX would tell our daughter, “Mommy’s stressed.” Like I was some kind of b*tch that they had to unite against as a team. Maybe I was stressed, between being the sole child-rearer and taking care of the house solo while working 60 hr weeks and with DB rarely blessing us with his presence. Because he was so important you know and had such an important job. But there is no really good answer to a comment like that.
Sunflower, I heard similar lines from X, “I was never happy” “I could never be happy,” he was also “trying” so hard to make me happy but it was impossible because “no matter what he did I would never be happy,” I never understood why he’d say I wasn’t happy, I felt perfectly happy and content at the time.
Our conversations about my unhappiness went around in circles, “doesn’t matter what I do you’re never happy,” “I’m happy,” “no, you’re never happy.” on the same level as the argument, “I know you are, but what am I?”
It had to be something I did to make him think I was unhappy, was it my tone of voice? the expression on my face? It never occurred to me that he was projecting. I happily accepted his assessment and went to work trying to prove that I was happy.
I wouldn’t ask X to do anything because that meant I was “bitching again.” “see you’re unhappy, there you go again Brit, you’re never happy.”
A lose, lose situation.
For me, it was that I “always argued.”
I thought we were “discussing.” If I didn’t agree with what he was saying, I was arguing and he didn’t like that.
He even admitted to purposely saying things he knew I’d disagree with just to see if I would.
Why to that? To what purpose?
X got to where almost anything I said, he claimed I was starting an argument. One morning I came downstairs and asked if he had made coffee, a simple yes or no question…
he snapped back at me, here you go bitching again.., you’re never happy.
They create these ideas in their heads as a justification for cheating. Then they can say well
she was never happy, I couldn’t make her happy…, so here I am cheating, because she’s never happy.
It’s up there with “well, we weren’t getting along.” Cheating is justifiable because we weren’t getting along??
If he thought we weren’t getting along why didn’t he let me know?
Did it occur to him that their are other more logical ways to work on problems in our marriage.
Mine would reflexively disagree with me, no matter what I said. It got so bad I used to think if I said the sky was blue he’d say it was green! I’m pretty sure this was about the time his smell changed and he would spend a half hour in the bathroom in the morning with his phone. All of a piece, and I was so naive I didn’t know how to read the signs.
“Mine would reflexively disagree with me, no matter what I said.”
How many chumps have had this done to them ?
You make a simple statement and the ex without any thought, completely disagrees or disputes what you have said.
It’s all about manipulation, to keep you off balance, to degrade and put you down. Simple as that.
Would you tolerate that sort of behaviour from a friend or acquaintance ?
Probably not, so why tolerate it from your partner / STBX / ex ?
It amazes me how many chimps say the smell of their cheater changed when they started cheating. It’s amazing.
Same with mine
Cheater claimed to have been unhappy for two years (only married for 5 including 6 months separated) when he left for schmoopie. We had a 2 1/2 yr old and I was 18 weeks pregnant. It wasn’t his fault poor sad sausage he just couldn’t communicate with me, to tell me about this supposed unhappiness.
He acted happy enough when announcing to all our family and friends that we were having another baby. He has now announced that he only had another baby with me to give DS a sibling and because he thought it was what he was should do.
Normal people would say
Hey wife I’m feeling unwanted/unhappy since we had our 1st child, I don’t think we should have any more right now as that will make matters worse. Let’s try and spend more time together.
Cheater couldn’t communicate this because you know it’s the truth, he could communicate hundreds of untruths (lies) over at least a year prior to d-day but I suspect it was across the whole of our relationship.
My ex gave me that crap too. He either 1)wanted cake, 2)wanted to watch me pick-me dance or 3)wanted both.
When he told me “I haven’t been happy for years.” my response was, “Well, I haven’t been happy with your girlfriend for years.”
Shut. Him. Right. Up.
Trust me, it’s number 3. Cake and dancing are corollaries to each other.
When I found out about Douche McGee’s affair with homeslice, he said all the things we all have heard before, including what CL posted. When I was deep in wreckonciliation, my ex told me several things I won’t forget. He told me that I was the better choice because I was more responsible (who says that? The same guy that says sex with her is fun and energetic, but I cannot finish because I am thinking about you). He also told me that I made him happy. In that moment I remember being overjoyed that I made him happy, not her. I WON!
Months later when I had given up the hopium pipe, I told my therapist about how he said I made him happy. She told me that that is a lot of responsibility for a person and by you being the one that makes him happy, you also get to be responsible for making him sad, making him angry, making him lonely…..all of it. Don’t take responsibility for that, he gets to own how HE feels.
That was just one of many little a-ha moments I had with her. He was so empty that he needed someone else and that person would take sole responsibility for making him happy. That’s a lot of pressure; I don’t want that kind of pressure. I don’t want to take that ownership of being the clown so the person I am with is in a good space. How exhausting. And when I date now, if the guy says “you make me happy” I always ask him to clarify if he meant he is happy when he is with me. Such a small thing, but such a big thing. I am no longer going to be responsible for how another person feels, they can own that themselves. And as adults, we should be able to ask direct questions and tell direct answers and be honest. Unfortunately, that is not something our exes are good at. They are stunted that way. AND I STILL WON!
You probably already know this, but after getting bitten by the mirroring bug, I’m paranoid. When asking someone to clarify, definitely don’t suggest what you think and/or hope they meant, because that gives them the opportunity to basically pull a “yeah, that’s the ticket!”. In my past life I took that as “hey, we’re on the same page!” Now I realize I heard what I wanted to hear.
Absolutely! My UBT is really good now. There are certain things I am not willing to compromise.
Cheater made it a point of letting me know that his mistress made him happy. Guess what?
My daughter makes me happy. The same daughter he traded in for his “soulmate”… let’s see how long his happiness lasts.
My guess is not too long since he was trying to follow my niece on Instagram a few weeks ago… I guess the happiness is turning to loneliness… oh well… we can’t all be happy.
During an argument post-DDay my XH said “I’m not happy and I haven’t been happy in a long time. Don’t I deserve happiness FOR ONCE?” He framed it in such a way that if I was to object, I was an asshole. Who would deny poor, long suffering XH his one bit of happiness? Not I.
So I divorced him. He’s still not happy.
OMG same same!
I also got. I’m dying! Or I’ll be dead in two weeks if I stay!
Really ? Been to a doctor buddy?
Didn’t I deserve to have a conversation bout how you were unhappy for sooo long with us before you took up with the downgrade? Aargh
Yep. When I found out I heard all of this BS, we all have
He quickly dropped her and came back to me wanting to “move on”
I said “but you weren’t happy“. He just stared at me like
Oh that’s right, I said that didn’t I
Dumb shit
You can’t treat someone like this, using these ridiculous comments, to justify your activities, devalue them and expect them to be the same
Changed me forever
He is history
I took offense to the use of the word “we”
Narkles the Clown: we haven’t been happy for years.
AllOutofKibble: really? We? Who is this we? How can possibly know about my happiness when you’re gone all the time?
Narkles the Clown: we’ve been more like roommates
AllOutofKibble: You’re not seriously going that direction. Try again?
Narkles the Clown: if you can’t have a civilized conversation there’s no use talking to you
Translation…if you can’t be a good chump and take the blame I won’t talk to you
Had I only known at the time what a gift that was.
I took offense to the use of the word ‘we’ too.
He once told me ‘we’ didn’t have a relationship. Excuse me? I said. We are married ~ if that isn’t a relationship, I don’t know what is. LOL
Then I told him, ‘you’ may not think you are in a relationship, but I certainly am. Idiot.
When the red flag was shown to me he said he thought I needed a husband who wants to be with me 24/7
I ignored it. What a mistake-/
He said he’s not that happy lately at home & if he was. He’d stay home more. I was so frightened being I just fought cancer & I was trying to keep us together.
Little did I know he was already starting the affair with
OWhore.
I wish I would’ve thrown him out then but I tried to make him happy. Would hav saved me irritable Bowel Syndrome & years of therapy. Mad at myself.. ????
My ex said, because we weren’t married, he doesn’t have to answer to me. He had been divorced twice, so really didn’t think much of marriage. Incidentally his girlfriend of 3 months, is cheating on him! You could call it karma!
“Don’t accept responsibility”–and that means nor just for their cheating but also for their unhappiness! It’s not in the realm of possibility for one person to MAKE another person happy or into a happy person. If I’m not happy, the onus is on me; it’s not on my partner to present me with a series of gifts or experiences in hopes one of these will make me happy. That’s appeasement and self-serving entitlement. My happiness is my responsibility. And if I find that my marriage isn’t providing the conditions I need for my happiness, then I have the choice to leave it. And as I wasn’t finding the conditions conducive to my happiness in being married to a husband who rather than committing himself to me and to our partnership saw me as a wife appliance while going outside to “explore his sexuality” with a former student I told him I wanted a divorce.