I’m Mad at Myself for Not Leaving Yet
She’s not over her husband’s affair with the church youth director, and mad at herself for not leaving yet. She’s left her faith community over it, but she can’t seem to leave him.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m two years out from the discovery of my husband’s affair. I am getting closer to being free of this nightmare, but I am having trouble letting go of the sliver of hope I still have.
I am traumatized and embarrassed to admit my textbook reactions to everything since D-day. And I am furious at myself for not being able to let go and for not being able to get out.
How do I let go?
How do I move on, stop ruminating thoughts, stop wanting justice — how do I get my life back?
My husband (59), a music director at a Methodist church was having an affair with the youth director at the church (my church of 20+ years). She is 17 years younger, married and has 3 young children.
I am angry. Staff at the church helped hide it and the work environment at the church does not foster a professional atmosphere one should be able expect from a church. So I have lost my church and most of my family of 20+ years. My husband says that is my choice and maybe it is.
I also discovered my husband has been badmouthing me.
Tearing me down to his sister, his work colleague, and my youngest stepdaughter. We have a 12 year old son that we adopted and FW also spews to anyone who will listen that he never wanted him and I forced the adoption on him. My sweet, innocent son has also lost his church and his family.
There are more painful discoveries and ridiculousness to my story as you can imagine. I am emailing you to also let you know I believe in what you have to say and I am grateful for the resources you provide for chumps like me.
Searching to Heal
***
Dear Searching to Heal,
If you left a church, you can leave a FW.
That took guts to walk away from 20 years of people you thought were family. Maybe it didn’t feel courageous, maybe it felt like you had no other choice. But trust me, I read my mail. Plenty of people stay in similar situations and eat the shit sandwich of fake forgiveness and performative Christianity. They stay in the FW Thunderdome as some sort of test of wills. You walked away from that and took your son. Well done you.
Now do him.
There’s no possible way you can feel safe in this marriage.
You’re dealing with two kinds of abuse — infidelity and spiritual abuse. I’m more qualified to talk about the former, but there are plenty of places to find support with J*sus cheaters. (Google won’t let me say this anymore!) Divorce Minister, Gretchen Baskerville of Life Saving Divorce, Tia Levings, the Roys Report.
Read over there and you’ll see what you’ve experienced isn’t unique. Church circles the wagons, make you (the victim) the wrongdoer, divorce the sin, and slathers coerced “forgiveness” on everything.
My husband (59), a music director at a Methodist church was having an affair with the youth director at the church
If I were you, I’d start by lawyering up and reporting this as a workplace affair. The Methodist Church has bishops, conferences, and higher ups. Workplace affairs make workplaces potential lawsuits. You have some leverage here and I’d take to a lawyer about how to use it. Gosh, I’d really hate to have to depose his workplace. Or we could move those settlement talks along….
Stop clinging to hope you can save your marriage.
I am getting closer to being free of this nightmare, but I am having trouble letting go of the sliver of hope I still have.
What hope? Based on what? From what you wrote he shows zero contrition, doesn’t care that you gave up your church community, while he continues to work with his affair partner? And he badmouths you and your son?
Do you believe he’s someone worth having or is something else holding you back? If it’s financial, attack that problem. (Again, begin with a lawyer. You need to know ALL your options. Don’t guess.) Is it spiritual? Have you been mindf*cked to think divorce is a sin and this is all your fault somehow?
Or are you sick with hopium that a man who shows callous disregard for you will somehow morph into a caring partner?
Tearing me down to his sister, his work colleague, and my youngest stepdaughter. We have a 12 year old son that we adopted and FW also spews to anyone who will listen that he never wanted him and I forced the adoption on him.
Read what you wrote.
If you can’t leave for you, leave for your son. No one should have to live with a “father” who tells people he never wanted his child.
If you have stepchildren, it sounds as if he’s already lost one marriage. I wonder if he isn’t the same FW he’s always been.
You can drape a choir robe over a FW, but he’s still a FW.
how do I get my life back?
You TAKE it back.
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It sounds as if the affair may still be going on? They still work together? Lawyer up and get yourself away from there as fast as you can! Good luck, life is really better on the other side of a FW!!
Searching to Heal,
You ask “How do I get my life back?” While it’s a lot easier said than done, and it’s not the work of a moment, I‘d advise that rather than thinking about your “old life” you leave and build a new one and only take those elements of your “old life” that you choose to.
LFTT
Don’t be mad at yourself. These things are big and take some time to process. But if you were visiting with me over coffee, my summary comment would be to get therapy and work on leaving. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just head that way.
My ex (a part-time preacher) left twice. A year into the second long-distance separation, I refused reconcilation. I could have done it earlier, but I didn’t. I needed that gap to get my head together. He tried to blame-and-game. I was firm. Then he wanted a divorce. I agreed.
The divorce and closeout were long and messy, just confirming that it was over. I was so burned out that I cried after signing, and then never again. I felt meh when I found out that the judge had signed off. Closeout dragged on for over another year, but I felt so very much better about the whole thing. It’s been a few years since we heard from him.
I didn’t leave our long-term church until later, when they took a strong “no divorce ever” stand and became so family-centered that the leading elder actually told me that single parents with kids aren’t families in God’s eyes. Only two-parent couples are families. There was more, but I was over it and found a church that is way more balanced. That brought yet more healing.
But all good. Truly. My young adult kids are doing great, and I’m loving semi-retirement. There is life after divorce!
Wow, what an awful, pro-abuse church! “The leading elder actually told me that single parents with kids aren’t families in God’s eyes. Only two-parent couples are families.” Wow. Wow! I mean, what if a spouse dies? Either way, that’s so awful for the church to tag-team abuse you with your ex.
As someone who had 3 kids (plus sons GF and their baby) under my roof when my spouse dropped dead, I take severe umbrage to anyone telling me that we weren’t a family. F him and the f’ing horse he came in on.
““The leading elder actually told me that single parents with kids aren’t families in God’s eyes. Only two-parent couples are families.””
Fully disclaimer, I am not very religious. Spiritual, yes. Religious, no. But I promise you, God never said that.
Some earthside jerk thinks they are speaking for God, but they aren’t.
You don’t need to stay with a cheating, abusive FW for God to see you as a family.
Not to mention, you adopted your son who needed a home, there’s not one bit of that story that God wouldn’t side with.
That infuriates me.
Yes, it was just so clear that I didn’t belong there anymore. Woe to anyone else divorced or separated!
They had been lovely during our crises, and then basically pushed out years later.
I love this. It is hopefull. Thank you.
One of the first DivorceCare groups I was in I heard a similar story. The man’s ex wife carried on an affair with the church music director, who happened to be the pasto’rs son. They turned this around on him and kicked him out. He carried shame for twenty years. Almost every organization’s #1 priority is self preservation. A church is no different. Chump Lady is right about your leverage in negotiating a divorce settlement. Get a good attorney and bring the hammer down for your sake and your son.
A while ago, I read an account by a paramedic who had been called to perform CPR on a churchgoer during service. Apparently, the service continued while CPR was going on and some other churchgoers even complained about the paramedics being too loud while trying to save their patient’s life (!). The account sounded genuine.
I know it’s a bit tangential, and I’m sure not all religious people would act like that. Some of them do, however. I don’t think such people could be expected to treat a chump fairly, either. It’s a sad reality.
Yes! Every organization’s top priority is self preservation! That’s why she should get a lawyer immediately – this workplace affair is not something they’d want to broadcast.
Not a church goer, the hypocrisy turned my stomach as a teen.
It was however your community, social circle for many years so you need to build/find a new one for yourself and regain your own identity.
Start maybe with joining a single parent group. Or parents of adopted kids. Or hobby based activity. Volunteering. Something where you are YOU, not just the “scorned woman” or “bad wife who deserves to be chumped” or whatever role FW has forced you into within the church circle. Look on FB or meetup. Make a new friend or two. If you don’t work then get a job unrelated to that church because that can be validating too.
It’ll help you feel stronger and better as you slog through all the other crappy stuff.
Please get a lawyer even if you can’t leave yet. FW sounds sick and cruel to talk about your son that way. Please protect yourself and your child. You were quite brave to leave the church!
It’s impossible to move on while you’re still married to your cheating spouse.
Take a deep breath, realize it is going to get worse before it gets better, then buckle down and get a lawyer as CL suggests.
This part SUCKS. But on the other side is that new life. And it’s worth climbing the mountain for.
There’s no hope for this marriage. If he’s badmouthing you to friends, family, and colleagues, he’s already done. He doesn’t want your marriage to work. He may be waiting for you to get fed up and leave so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. If he’s still working with AP, believe me, the affair is ongoing (ask me how I know). A guy who wanted to save his marriage would cut ties, and wouldn’t trash talk his spouse.
You have lost friends. You’ll lose more. But what you WON’T lose are the real ones. Those are your people. There’s nothing like an affair/divorce to show you who is a genuine friend and who is just fair weather. And you don’t need those fair weather friends. Better a small group of trusted people who care about you than a hundred casual “friends” who are willing to believe your husband’s lies.
It’s beautiful here on the other side. You can do it. Focus on yourself and your kids. Your husband isn’t safe. Your church isn’t safe. Don’t spend the rest of your life there. You deserve to feel safe and at peace, and so do your kids. And PLEASE document anything you have that indicates that your husband doesn’t want your adopted son so that you can get full custody. Children deserve to feel loved and wanted. Leave this man if for no other reason than your child. Even if you can’t do it for yourself (yet), do it for your son.
One of the hardest things, and something I still struggle with almost 10 years later, is the injustice of it all. Unfortunately, one rarely sees justice over infidelity and betrayal. Living well really is the best revenge. You have to let the rest of it go. Divorce court isn’t interested in justice, so you won’t find it there. People, in my experience, don’t care if someone cheated on you. If that person benefits their life in some way, they’ll excuse it. My FW’s AP still trash talks me to this day, even though she broke up with him five years ago and he is dead now. She thinks I’m the villain and she’s the victim and I doubt that will ever change (I think she’s as much a narcissist as he was). And it bothers me, I won’t lie. But then I look around at the beautiful life I’ve made for myself and my son and I realize it just doesn’t matter what AP thinks or says about me, nor what all the “friends” I cut out of my life think. The people who matter know the truth. I have my true friends and I’ve made new friends who never met either FW or AP. They seem to think I’m pretty cool and fun. Purge out all those hypocrites from your life who banded together to protect your abuser. It will do wonders for your peace of mind.
You’ve got this. Get a lawer, get everything you’re entitled to, and take care of yourself.
Dear Isawthelight:
Yes! To everything you say, especially that you have to leave to see how bad it truly is and to get a lawyer. And all the other wise and thoughtful things you wrote.
OP, I don’t have a leg to stand on,because I am 8 years out and going therough the divorce process now. I think the shock of uncovering the secret malevolence of someone you loved and thought loved you, plus all the DARVO, gaslighting etc…damages your brain and spirit in a way that makes it very hard to leave.
At one point, when I was trying to figure out why I couldn’t leave, I went down a rabbit hole of how enslaved, abused, brainwashed, kidnapped, hostages etc. stayed…and the techniques used by the abusers were very similar, as if they were operating from the same manual. Our husbands use that same manual on us.
What this man is doing to your son is obscene. CL wrote: If you can’t leave for you, leave for your son. No one should have to live with a “father” who tells people he never wanted his child.
I hope you embroider that on a banner and ride out like Joan of Arc to restore justice to yourself and your son. How dare he abuse a child in that manner!?
As CL said, this needs to be brough to the attention of the Methodist U.S. leadership. Any church that countenances such abuse and allows it to flourish in the house of God needs to be checked by common sense, God’s word and the law, and fast!
You can and will do this, and I can and will do this. There is a better day coming for us both.
Or as a friend once said to me, consider the money for your divorce an investment in your future.
My attorney was very generous with what he did for what I paid him. He was top-flight and wrote off our interactions at times because he knew that I was struggling financially.
There was still some gross injustice in the whole thing, but I focused on getting the marriage ended and opening the next chapter. At times that was hard to process, but no regrets post-divorce. None.
I once read something that said “my old life was the price I paid for the new one”. It’s scary to start over, but you’ll never find out just how good your new life can be til you let go of the old life.
Searching – the two motivations which allowed me to leave were “dignity” and “agency”. I could not tolerate having others determine my future behind my back.There are lawyers who will guide you and other worship communities to sustain you. Quietly get your ducks in a row, practice self care. Do not accept his criticism as anything but protecting his own image. No contact asap.
Yes, the whole thing seemed just so very overwhelming to me.
But I found an attorney who got it done, and changed churches to find a better mix. The church change was more recent, but very much needed. I’m looking forward to helping with the Easter sunrise service!
Your son deserves better. A LOT better. I hope that you don’t feel guilty at reading that, but your husband is abusing that sweet, innocent child — in my book anyway. How does his “spewing” not get back to your son? How can your son not feel that disdain from his dad, even if dad doesn’t say it to his face?
I don’t know how old your son was when y’all adopted him, but if he’s already been through major disruption, he doesn’t need this jackhole’s abuse on top of it.
I feel sick to my stomach and incredibly angry and sad reading this. My sincere and profound condolences to our letter writer today, and sending a huge hug.
You don’t get your life back. You get to build a new one. One that is BS free. Your life was not what you thought it was. You don’t want that fake icky life back any more than you would want the ABC gum under the table. Again, you get to build a GENUINE version of the life you thought you had.
I wish I could say that the healing process is quick and easy, but it is not. It’s a wound that will likely require periodic cleaning for the rest of your life. The feelings can be incredibly intense and intrusive and overwhelming. I have always had a great therapist helping me since I was 22. IMHO, it’s essential for help healing from betrayal.
But as Gandalf (basically) said in Lord of the Rings, despair is for those who are certain of the outcome.
It’s been very helpful and important to me remember that we do not know the outcome.
A pox on the cheaters. Extra hugs to all the little folks affected.
♥️
“It’s been very helpful and important to me remember that we do not know the outcome.”
Sometimes in the bleakest of moments that is the only glimmer of hope people can hold on to.
When D-Day was new, I had the so many dark fears. I was just so convinced that everything was going to be terrible. He maes a lot more money than me, and we live in a high cost of living area. I thought that I was not going to be able to afford to survive on my own. I thought he’d marry the AP and he’d just replace me in my kid’s life with her. That I would have to see her at every soccer game of clarinet recital. That I would never see any of his extended family again. I just thought all the absolute worst things. And was convinced that every single one of them was going to happen to me.
None of that happened to me. None of it.
Now it is true that some of those things do happen to chumps. And they are terrible. But all of it will not happen to every chump. And more importantly, I was so convinced that every bad thing would happen to me that I left no room to consider the GOOD that could come.
Basically, this is off the charts painful, the healing process is lengthy and some of it can be lifelong…the effects are definitely lifelong…and healing takes TIME and ASSISTANCE.
Like every other person alive and has ever lived, we can go on to have enjoyable meaningful lives after a painful and difficult tragedy, but the only way there is THROUGH.
There is no short-cut and no getting around it.
And you’re not alone. VERY helpful to remember.
♥️
All of us on this forum have been victims of infidelity, some like you, wrestling with how to leave, and others well on the other side of leaving, living full lives. What one cannot fathom in the throes of despair and grief is how much happier you will eventually be. I felt like I lived in a dark box for years; no sunlight, little food, no space to stretch and grow. It was familiar. I knew what to expect. I was terrified of what was outside of that box. I’ll tell you now that outside of the box is sunlight, warmth, adventure, curiosity, and also admittedly moments of fear and anger. CL says that we won’t know the way until we are on it and can see it in hindsight. One small step at a time. Do what feels in your capacity in the moment to take steps towards agency, self respect and loving kindness for yourself and your children.
Searching, where is the silver of hope coming from? This man is not just a cheater, he is actively defaming you and even bad-mouthing your adopted son. I see no possible hope there. He’s a horrible person who doesn’t genuinely care about anybody. You need to let go of the idea that you have anything to work with here. I know it’s hard to let go, but believe me when I tell you that staying with this man will be much harder. He’s not going to change and obviously doesn’t even want to. That’s the reality. I’m sorry. Be easy on yourself and get a new life as well as a new church.
Don’t blame yourself, Searching, but please think about how you want to spend your precious time with your son and yourself.
It took me almost four years to leave, and he never thought I would actually go.
During that time, I nursed his father through hospice, nursed him after an auto accident, and stepped up to keep it all going.
I’ll admit that I wish I had left sooner and had made taking care of myself my priority.
I hope the letter writer gets away from this guy asap. He’s not a committed Christian, and it sounds like he’s barely a committed human.
When I was going through settlement negotiations I heard this joke: Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.
Let’s change it up for you, Searching: Why does tearing yourself away from a FW have to be so painful? Because it’s worth it. You are so used to being denigrated and disrespected by FW and his posse that you may not know that you can have a life without those beat downs. There is a peaceful and contented life for you and your son but you are going to have to fight for it. You will fight FW, his enablers, and yourself. But so, so worth it.
My heart hurts for you. I hated myself for not leaving. Then I left, and funny, that feeling cleared right up. It sounds like you’ve left that church but not your faith, so supportive religious language incoming:
I spent a lot of time hoping for the miracle of Paul on the road to Damascus. I fundamentally could not comprehend the ex’s choices (“no one would make these choices in their right mind, right?”), so I kept hoping for change (“he’ll come to his senses soon and be so sad because deep down, he loves me and the kids and our beautiful family!”).
Eventually, I realized I was waiting on the wrong miracle. I wasn’t on a road to Damascus. I was sitting inside the tomb of the marriage he desecrated. I had to have hope in the miracle waiting for me: that I could step out of that tomb, that I was worth resurrection, that I could leave a grave and gain a life. Before I had LACGAL, I had “whosoever shall lose his life shall find it.” That gave me courage to start the process of escaping from hell.
On a practical note, it might be a great time to have an e-mail/text conversation about how he feels about your dear son. “Why do you feel this way? How long do you felt this way?” etc. Right now, before any potential divorce paperwork is filed, he might be willing to wax on about what a disgusting parent he is. It would be lovely to have it all in writing if he fights you on custody later.
And lastly, please consider making a safety plan for you and son. Just in case. People like this can become very scarry when you try to leave them.
Reading about how the OP was subjected to a typical ugly cheater smear campaign (with the added horror of extending the smear to a child) made me wonder if the sleazy tactics used to break a marriage or commitment agreements are similar to the sleazy tactics used to breach business or financial contracts. Well, according to Google’s AI Overview, there are a lot of overlaps which begs the question of why anyone thinks cheating on a marriage doesn’t extend to how much people will cheat in other aspects of life because THE TACTICS ARE THE SAME.
People often attempt to break contracts using “sleazy” or aggressive tactics, including exploiting technical flaws, manufacturing excuses, or leveraging reputation threats. Key methods include searching for minor clerical errors, falsely claiming incapacity, faking urgency through “crunch time,” and threatening negative public reviews to force a company’s hand.
Common “Sleazy” Contract Exit Tactics:
So many of us stayed way too long and wrestled with forgiving ourselves for the time we spent staying in the marriage. Try not to look in any direction except forward.You are rescuing yourself now and that’s all that matters.
CL said „Read what you wrote„. I would suggest you give your letter and CL‘s response to a trusted friend (or stranger) and have them read it out loud to you. It will shock you to hear it. His behavior will sound 1000 times worse than how you perceive it in your mind. CL used one of my posts on her podcast and it was much more shocking to hear someone else reading my experience. It was totally unacceptable what he did. Shocking. Totally different way to experience my experience. Thanks CL and you are mighty Searching to Heal.
My heart breaks for you💔. You are me 3 years ago.A cheater who throws religion, God, church people, family, his position, the Bible and your past sins including the sin of adopting a child, is a low low low form of cheater. I can’t even..I’m sorry to say, your humiliation and Brain washing are real and you are in the spin cycle. I would advise you to find a compassionate lawyer for yourself but with giant teeth. NOW! Do not drag your feet until you are paralyzed. Read CL BOOK, It’s all there.
You do NOT have a sacred marriage, you lived a lie and an illusion, you are absolutely not loved, you have a full blown jerk for a man and yeah it’s your choice and your fault. Horrific liar and abuser in the name of our loving Father. I’m so sorry.
Along with CLs book, and G.Baskerville, also find Leslie Vernick Kris Reece and my favorite Shaneen Medji you tubes. Binge watch these gals until they all push into your head the sense to save yourself and the anger to push back against the lies of the enemy.
It is true, you lose church friends, even my friends of 30 years who preached forgiveness to me and kept talking to my cheater. Remember,To the cheater, forgiveness means PERMISSION. By staying your husband has minimal reason to ever change and it is seriously enabling him to continue to abuse you. It will not get better. You will have to be very very mighty. Remember you are not losing true friends or a loving church family..they were all an illusion. I will pray for you with tears and hope you find the courage to leave. I never looked back and am freed from the prison of an abuser. Forever
Dear Searching,
One thing that helped me, when I was in your place, was to focus on what I wanted and what I thought of my then “partner”: I couldn’t respect him, I couldn’t trust him, and his character and actions disgusted me. I did not want to be associated with him anymore. He was a liability and I was disappointed and ashamed. By standing by him, I was condoning his actions. What you know about is criminal, and who knows what else your husband has been getting up to.
I also listened to my gut. Literally. He made me nauseous. When I finally closed the door for good, I realized that even *if* he’d been a unicorn and had done everything I initially dreamed of in “reconciliation” attempts, I wouldn’t want him. Do you actually want to stand by this man’s side for the rest of your life? Protect yourself, protect your son. You know from reading here that you’re on the right track. Honestly you’re in the worst part now. Once you leave it can start getting better.
Searching to Heal,
You wrote, “How do I move on, stop ruminating thoughts, stop wanting justice — how do I get my life back?”
It begins by facing reality. What happened to you was unjust and incredibly wrong! Your husband engaged (and is engaging) in abusive behavior. It is not unhealthy to want justice. To be upset is healthy. What you experienced is upsetting and infuriating!
But you want to move on…
I do not see a way forward while staying married to someone who is not sorry for abusing you and abusing his position in the church. If your friend were in the same place, what would you tell her? I suspect you’d cheer her on to finding life without her cheating, abusive husband. As long as you stay, you won’t be able to heal as you are taking emotional hits.
God hates adultery more than God hates divorce. God is a divorcee after all (see Jeremiah 3:8).
Blessings on your journey and know you have a whole group of chumps cheering you on!
-DM
PS I wonder if this situation between your husband and the youth director constitutes Clergy Sexual Abuse. If he held spiritual authority over her, it would strike me as such. Such behavior is predatory on the part of your husband to abuse a position of spiritual authority for sexual gratification.
I am a Chump who was deeply motivated by my faith to hope and pray for the healing of my marriage, I even went to Mass almost daily for 7 years praying for his soul and healing of my marriage. 2 of those years were crisis and abandonment and 5 were wreckonsillyation years (most of it bad).
In the middle of it all, I deeply wanted to stay married to him and for him to become kind. At some point, I finally drew a line in the sand and internally gave up and telling God that I would let go of my marriage and if there was a place where Cheater would be happy, I would release him to go there with no hindrance from me. About 2 weeks later, Cheater dropped dead. I thought that he would go to California, not Purgatory.
OK, yea, 7 years was way too long to live in the mess I was in (and he pulled some spiritually abusive power plays on me) but looking back, God took care of me …I was truly in the palm of His hand.
The outcome? I am years out from this terrible experience and my life is great. Im sad that toxic US politics drove me from my Church home, but Im still great with God these days. Im very happily married to a wonderful man who takes very good care of me. With hubby’s support, I got an advance degree and had a flourishing career before I retired. My kids are great and I consider myself profoundly blessed.
Your Cheaterspouse badmouthing you (which is unfortumnatly very common in these situations, mine included) is a clear indicator that he has no remorse and thus nothing too work with. God doesnt expect us to submit to this sort of abuse. I hope for the best for you and your son. Im so sorry your husband said awful things about adopting your son…what a crap thing to do.
Others here have given you great advice…Im glad you found your way here.
I saw this regarding a Naval officer trained in war games / negotiation, in a news article completely unrelated to infidelity but immediately thought of CN, because chumps in the middle of smoking hopium cannot match the abusive power of the FW :
“when one side holds levers the other cannot match, the weaker side’s rational strategy is always identical: minimize exposure, comply at the lowest acceptable level, and exit at first opportunity.”
I’m sorry that you’re going through a crappy situation but if you can’t leave for your own sake, at least leave for your son’s. My ex also said things to our kids to disparage me. It took several years – post divorce – for them to completely trust me and to discover that their dad can be cruel & selfish. If your son is 12 you also have time to turn this around. If you wait until he’s 18, 20 you might miss the chance & he may not forgive you for keeping him in an emotionally & mentally abusive household. Something to think about.
What I think you mean by getting your “life back” is turning back the clock to the time before you knew about his affair(s). What you can learn to want is a life without a man who is abusing you in various ways.
You get that life by finding a divorce lawyer willing to leverage the workplace affair to get you a quick, fair settlement. But you don’t tell FW until you and your lawyer agree it’s the right time. You build a support system (family, a friend or two, a therapist who understands this type of abuse), workout buddies, doctors, etc.) You open your own checking & savings account and if you are employed, you have your check deposited there and not into a joint account. If you aren’t working, you start looking for a job. You educate yourself about your finances, from your home (mortgage, taxes, house condition) to your accounts to retirement to your equity in total. Know what your financial situation is.
Read about the kind of disordered people who cheat, badmouth their victim, and pretend to be decent. CL”s book, Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” and Dr. George Simon’s work (online and books) will help you understand that your husband is not a person of good character and integrity, that he’s a TYPE of person incapable of the sort of commitment you thought you had.
Remember that you are even now living your life. You’re just choosing to do that while still married to and living with someone who is abusing you. When you do that, you are giving away your agency and your ability to choose your own path. When you wait around for your cheating spouse to change, you are giving away your power.
Please end the awfulness of this marriage! He has shown you who he is – an older man who will take advantage of a younger woman he is in a position of power over. He is tearing your reputation down to your children.
I am divorcing after a decades long marriage where I was conditioned to look away from suspicious behaviour as well as put up with years of verbal abuse which left me confused and disorientated. This softened me up for the cheating that followed. Don’t look, don’t question, don’t think. Pour yourself into home, children and job.
You have been conditioned as I was. Save yourself. Don’t think you are shamed by his actions or guilty by association. Don’t think you lack anything. He is the one people will judge, even if they only do it quietly. The people he pursuades to take his side and applaud a liar and a cheat, are not worth having in your life. Its hard, but you can do it.