The Ones Who Just Leave
A lot of the advice I give here is on no contact, or assessing the sincerity of a cheater’s remorse, or of decoding the mindfuckery of a cheater after discovery. But what about the ones who just go without a fight? Who just abandon? Who never come back?
There’s no need to go no contact because they never contact you. Instead, you live with another kind of mindfuck — you weren’t even worth fighting for. One day you’re living in what you thought was a secure reality with this person, the next day they’re gone without explanation. Without remorse.
Maybe you got a blank stare. A vague excuse. A lawyer’s letter.
As someone who got operatic remorse, crocodile tears, and a stalking freakazoid who wouldn’t leave me alone, I want to be flippant and tell you guys you got the better end of the deal — the cheater who just left. The cheater who didn’t play you for more D-Days, who didn’t toy with your heart, and get a kibble contact high off your grief. Nope, you got a tidy little sociopath who recognized that the jig was up and it was time to move on.
Which is worse, really? Hard to say and this isn’t the pain Olympics. But I do have some thoughts on the abandoning cheaters who just go poof.
1. Take it as a perverse compliment. Seriously, all you people who were abandoned, I want you to reframe this. Your cheater knew they couldn’t keep chumping you. They sensed your strength, and being the lazy, cheating fucks that they are, they needed an easier source of kibbles. You weren’t going to be that person. You were going to put up some resistance. They anticipated that and took the path of least resistance — a cowardly exit.
I can see how you would take it as you didn’t mean anything to them. You weren’t worth so much as a goodbye, but that’s not it. Disordered people don’t connect. You never meant to them what they meant to you.
They knew that they couldn’t keep extracting value from you with the same ease. And that’s because you’re not as chumpy as your average chump. Manipulators suss you well — they assessed your moxie, and they scampered away.
2. These people are really lazy. Cake is so nice when cake is undiscovered. All the control! All the perks! But once that nice situation is blown to pieces by the truth… fuck. They need to do some mental calculus. Work really, really hard at mindfucking you back into complacency, do the “sorry” kabuki theater of long emotional talks and therapy, give you some kibbles for a change to win you back… or… they could just exit for their soul mate schmoopie, find another hypotenuse, and have the joys of undiscovered cake again.
Which is easier?
3. These people are really entitled. You don’t deserve an explanation because it was never about you. Surely, you must know that the Most Important Thing Is Their Happiness? They’re happier over here in this new place. You? You have a mess to clean up? You’re heart broken? God, that’s a buzz kill. They don’t have to listen to you whinge. They’ll just set your volume to “mute.”
4. These people are really cold. Not that the operatic remorse, crocodile tear cheaters aren’t cold too, but the abandoning cheaters are polar-vortex-Lake-Michigan-in-February-ice-ice-baby COLD. I know you see this walking out with no remorse as a big fuck you, a huge rejection of the wonderfulness that is you, but that would be assuming that they give a shit. They do not. It’s not personal. These people are COLD. You mistook this ice cube for a human being. It happens. Maybe you bred with the ice cube. I’m sorry.
But they seem so warm and human for other people!
Yes, of course they do. See item #2. They need new undiscovered sources of cake. They will appear all nice and human-like until their cake situation is restored. Then what does the new person get? Laziness, entitlement, and ice ice cold baby.
What do you get?
A new, improved cheater-free life.
This column ran previously.
Taking a detached, distant, experienced view of this… I would happily have swapped my situation. That’s now.
But I remember thinking at the time, that my X was actually looking to leave with her fuckbuddy…. If they could have done it. And it scared the shit out of me that this POS could just one day turn on a dime (so far as her relationship with me), show up and tell me it was over. It was actually one of the reasons I didn’t stay with her – because she could be THAT cold.
But it was terrifying at the time.
Now – omg … I am so happy to have her gone and just wish I could completely remove her stain on my existence (we have kids… and memories).
But I really feel for people who don’t get to go through the motions of working out their cheater is a total fuck not worthy of you. Seeing them live makes it easier to see their shitiness.
I remember when I realised how little I really mattered to my my ex when she was explaining to me why she went on an cheating spouses site instead of a standard dating app.
“You can’t do that to a single person”, she explained, meaning implying you were single oneself, “it would really mess them up”.
That is chilling, OpenDoor–more compassion for a single stranger than for you. They suck.
Its been nearly 6 years for me. One day I was married for nearly 20 years. Working, raising children… then he packed up one day while I was at work and just left. No explanations no anything. I found him a week later at the OW now OWife’s house. When I look back the distancing and the devaluing had started a long while before that. I am at MEH but I still sometimes look back and go what the??? What the hell happened??? He certainly is cold, freezing actually. He has absolutely no empathy or remorse. Doesn’t even both about his kids and hasn’t for years. A true narcissist/sociopath!
“But I really feel for people who don’t get to go through the motions of working out their cheater is a total fuck not worthy of you. Seeing them live makes it easier to see their shitiness”
I think this statement is really important and often gets missed. Part of recovering from all this whether you’re dealing with a serial cheater or abandoner is fully embracing “trust that they suck”. This is really hard to do when you don’t get to see them play out their shitiness, lies, stupid choices, asinine justifications in plain view.
It’s a real leap when someone hits the eject button and goes NC on you to not internalize that and think you must be the worst person in the world for someone to do that. I’m still really working on this nearly 4 years post abandonment and slowly getting to the place where I’m starting to see it says more about him than me.
Strikes me, just a thought…Abandonment?Or liberation?
Paigeup, Definitely… liberation!!!!! Ex worked for a living (as I did), spent all his spare time at his Racquetball Club, play acted his way through husband and Daddy of three for twenty+years when he realized he could be having sex with someone else? WTF!!! This wasn’t what HE WANTED. So of course he bailed but he made sure to line up a replacement—his racquetball partner cause they have so much more in common. Fucktard made great money, but when he realized he wanted something else (minus wife, kids, cats, dog, bills, boat, cars, truck, and small mortgage on the dream house on twenty acres WE had worked hard to have) he got a part time job at the family court next door so he could figure out how best to screw me over, dumped all our savings accounts, applied for a job in the Bay Area (background investigator figured out his “character” long before I did!), purchased a 33k truck, took money out of the house, bought and sold several high priced toys, then took a family vacation with me (“to check out colleges for our son.” Funny he had no intention of paying…) to dump yet more community assets. Oh yeah he dumped paying college fees too (kids’ savings too), and walked out on our firstborn’s junior year in university. Two years after he abandoned the family home (in foreclosure) he vandalized it to prevent me from receiving money to move. It would have been a whole lot easier if the Dumbfuck had just asked for a divorce when he wanted to fuck Schmoopie. I wished I’d figured it out way sooner.
Wow this is nearly identical to what mine did …down to sucking money out of the house to pay for lavish holidays to impress the family and show off dad of the year.then just as kid finishes high school he was out the door that night. The twisted fuck also disposed of the family pets so when he came to make me force sale the house it wouldnt be an excuse not to go into a rental. I think this sociopathic behaviour was my sign to never look back . If someone can participate in kniving to tie up ‘loose ends’ to that degree of planning something major is going on that you will never figure out.
Whodoesthat–what a horrible story. Independent of the other awful things your X did, ‘disposing’ of the family pets (especially to control you) is a sure sign of a sociopath.
Leaving the night your son graduated from high school? Sociopath planning so that he could avoid child support. I’m sorry you live through that; relieved that you’re free of him.
I experienced this too.
Runaway husbands book and site helped too.
chirral……I’m close to 4 years too and it has taken me all this time as well to understand how he can just leave and not look back. No explanations (none that were truth anyway), no remorse, nada! Just out the door after what I thought were 10 of the best years of my life.
Chiral
Not sure if this will help but my dad was a guy who abandoned my mother and two kids. We found out indirectly (when he didn’t come home from work) that he had got a job and moved to Germany with the OW who he later married (18m after divorce). She had abandoned her husband and two boys. That was it. They worked abroad for years then moved back. I went off to Uni but my brother, his wife and their kids, and one of her sons, his wives and kids (chaotic life) saw them quite often for years. Then as they approached retirement they just upped and left again.
I have seen my dad possibly 20 times in 40 years, my longest time without contact 14 years. He is just not wired right and as CL says these people are ice cold. The confusing thing is when you are with him he is charming and fun and twinkly a life and soul kind of guy.
It helps me to realise that he is like a person with no memory or ability to form them. If you are in front of him he switches on and becomes this person, if you are not in front of him he switches off. His OWife is the same. Life and soul -flick- nothing.
I can’t deny it doesn’t hurt sometimes that I got the crappy robot dad but there is nothing I can do to change it. What I can do is live my life fully and make it as happy as I can.
Now my STBX has revealed himself to be a narc of a different flavour I suddenly have an advantage. Yes 22 years of being married to someone who could cheat was not great to realise but I know I have to accept who he is. I survived one narc (in fact my mom was one too!) so that’s two I have survived, three should be a walk in the park! If you can survive shitty parents you can survive anything.
I think it’s difficult to accept who they are regardless of if they go suddenly or hang about making trouble.
I really hope you are helped by today’s posts and can recognise and value your worth rather than outsourcing it to someone who clearly doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Be mighty. ❤️
Thank you Capricorn for your post. Your description of your dad really hit home for me as my Ex also presented as the “charming and fun and twinkly life and soul kind of guy,” at least if you were part of his inner circle. It’s very confusing and bizarre, as apparently now we are all supposed to vaporize and go away like we ceased to exist.
I’m so sorry you went through this yourself as child. The abandonment has been exceptionally hard on my daughter as he was really a pretty good dad until he just walked away. What a total mindfuck that no kid should have to go through.
I met my cheater at age 19 and he was w me while I had to witness the horrific breakup of my parents . I thought of him as my knight in shining armor , for over 40 years trusted him , loved him , we raised 3 beautiful daughters , he was a great dad .. I discovered his cheating at his hospital bed after I found him in his 3rd diabetic coma and rushed him to the hospital – I opened his phone to call his boss and there were messages and meetups that apparently had been going on for years . I took him back , he begged me , promising to change , he went to therapy , addiction rehab , his health up and down , gaslighting and blame shifting ( I realize now)but I was determined
(chump) to save our family , it’s been 4 yrs and a month ago on my bday after wining and dining me and lavishing me w gifts and sweet talk it suddenly seemed , it was a bit too much , he was going overboard – Why ?
Of course , he was back at it , probably never stopped . I opened his phone and had to look at him asking for photos of some woman online and asking her to call him and texts w crude sexual content
When I broke down and cried my heart out – he said
“I didn’t think I would get caught ” you were trusting me .
So it was my fault for trusting him and he did nothing he thought because he figured it was ok because he had a
fool proof plan , wasn’t his fault if plan failed
He asked me , so what are the requirements , for you to trust me again , no requirements I said , we are done , when I told my daughters , they said , “Mom we are so happy! We are so worried about you – it feels like we have our old mom back”
chirral
It took me years to see who he was. I did not understand he didn’t care about me for years. I don’t think you can as a child. I used to say that my mother who was a cold loveless person was the one who hurt me the most as she did damage on a daily basis whereas my dad just neglected me. Later on though after I went NC with my mother for my own well being, it struck me that I had indeed been harmed by my dads complete lack of interest in me. Now of course when I’m feeling robust enough I speculate about how much my dad being unavailable and unloving primed me as narc bait for my covert narc STBX. Trying to change history. My STBX’s working abroad for years is such a huge red flag in hindsight. Talk about unavailable and neglect.
Perhaps for your daughter the situation is more positive as you know all about this kind of narc and perhaps have the language and ideas to help her negotiate this part of her life much more effectively than I did.
And I should also add that I feel like a pretty good mom myself possibly because I just knew how to love and be there for the boys. Didn’t want them to experience anything like my childhood.
Sometimes it is just accepting the way things are that lets you move forward.
Good luck to you both. ❤️
You write for a lot of us, Cap.
This working abroad/on shifts/on an oil rig etc I was told is a classic way that people who cannot cope with intimacy/have ambivalent or avoidant attachment use to manage distance.
My mother modelled staying with a cheater and them ending up their twilight years as best friends….
guess who got her bitterness and rage though
I tried to follow that model until I just couldn’t. My IC said to me ‘you and Mr Patsy have taught me a lot about affairs and insult to injury, and you, Patsy, have a very high tolerance to insult’. I was trying so hard to keep the family together. Took me another 2 years to get it!!!
The other end of the shit sandwich is when it’s your fault and you drove them to it. That’s me, no sorry, no tears, just you should look at yourself and how it was my fault for not meeting his needs.
How does, fuck off sound!
Mine said EXACTLY. THE. SAME. THING.
Ew. I just called it “mine.” No… not mine. The person that I thought they were was a lie. That’s not my fault. Nothing about that thing or that experience was mine. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.. susceptible to con artists.
Raising my hand. I was apparently in the “sucked as a wife” group so Hannibal Lecher had NO choice but to cheat with myriad students. His last email to me encouraged me to own my part in the demise of the marriage.
Numeral Uno predictor of a serial cheater? Blameshifting. That’s who they are.
I just got that last month…2 years after the separation/divorce. And douche is already married to someone else, but you still want to rehash our shit, wanting me to own up to my part of our marital problems?
What difference does it make? Shouldn’t you be focusing on child bride #2????
I’m in the same bad wife club, I didn’t appreciate his emptying the trash. He spent hours at the gym to “look good for me” and I never complimented his physique. Being the chump that I am I started to thank him for everything he did and complimented his physique. I failed, not good enough, I was only patronizing him.
I also did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries, volunteered at the schools, took care of all our appointments, car maintenance called repairman if needed.
Took care of holidays, birthdays, his family for these occasions and when they came to visit made sure they had the food they preferred wouldn’t want to upset that already miserable group.
X? he spent 3 hours at the gym every morning working out to look good for me.
If I were to ask for help for anything, his response would be, Brit, you’re never happy..,
are you bitching again??
I was happy, I just asked for help taking out the garbage or changing a light bulb.
Evidently these were cause for his leaving.
In retrospect he was planning his exit far in advance. The angry outbursts over nothing, the somber face, the huge sighs, the forlorn looks, pouting, the dark cloud that seemed to enter the room when he did. I felt like I was living with teenage girl with a hormonal imbalance.
I’d ask if anything was bothering him, he’d respond with a huge sigh.., looking out into the distance, no, why?
difference for me: I would say what’s wrong, and his response would be, “I was much happier right before I got home”
your POS sounds just like my POS!! Just can’t wait to get past the pain, heart ache and confusion. I had the emotional roller coaster I’m still on. love this blog!
Wow. Just wow. If anything helps me trust that he’s a grade a narc who sucks, it’s this post. I got the same moody silences, the same whining that i didn’t appreciate him, the same anger if I dared to ask for help with anything. When he left, i was blindsided. It wasn’t until two months later that i found out he was cheating with a mutual friend… And he was sooo angry that i had discovered the messages he threatened me with legal action. Dick.
Things we don’t miss:
1) The moody silences… God. It used to do that to me for 3-4 days at a time. Chumpy me used to excuse it’s behavior because “he was tired” and “busy at work.”
2) Asking “what’s wrong?” and being told “nothing” but then… see 1).
3) Our appreciation & love & support never being enough… they are black holes that can never be filled.
4) Being blindsighted by cheating and double lives. That’s one hell of a fuck fest, ain’t it?! What do they say… ‘whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’ 😉
5) Being threatened. Legally. Physically. Financially. In terms of our reputations. Full stop.
I didn’t do all the cooking or the cleaning as you guys are saying here. He did a fair bit of it. I did a fair bit of it too. He always said he loved to cook after work as it was “relaxing” and his “passion.” He would cook whilst watching Masterchef. And yes, with cleaning, he did do a bit of it.
I would initiate conversation about sharing chores, expectations of timeframes, how detailed etc. He said he was happy to do it whilst I was studying full time for another career. I was happy for him to do it, as a female we seem to always be lumped with unpaid domestic duties? A guy that’s happy to clean? I thought i had hit the JACKPOT.
However, this detail was used against me… as I discovered poor sausage had been controlling the narrative and writing to friends about how he was “doing all the cooking and cleaning” and was “at breaking point.” Boo hoo. How come he never came to me to talk about it? Oh that’s right. I’m such a monster, he couldn’t possible have an adult conversation. Fucker.
On another level, if I had of been doing all the cooking, and some of the cleaning – as he did – no one would have blinked an eye. Because I’m a woman. But a man… a man doing these things? PROPOSTEROUS.
Wow Brit, I love “I was making all the effort while lowering my expectations as he increased his expectations of me.” I now realize that I got to the point where I had NO EXPECTATIONS!
Gees you just summed up by 2016 living with him before I found out about his ongoing affair, living with a moody teenager who threw little fits of rage and had his iphone glued to his head. Not missing that shit.
Brit, so true. In case anyone wonders why the wife didn’t know the husband was cheating, it’s because they are usually too damn busy to breathe, much less “spy” on their husband. Especially if they have children. I was doing everything myself. The work of husband and wife. Father and mother.
I was doing the work of husband, wife , father and mother. He was too busy thinking of himself. He never thought of doing things with his son or think of things to do around the house or look around at what needed to be done.
If I were to suggest helping me with something such as helping me carry groceries inside, he’d say looks like you have it under control, or if I were to ask for help with moving something heavy from one room to another his response was always “not right now” I’d wait a couple weeks and ask again, then he’d say, I told you I would do it, just not right now.
I made him cheat by asking again when he told me two weeks ago he would move the box, he’d say “I only wanted to see him jump through hoops” this triggered his cheating, “we weren’t getting along,” those were the only disagreements we had and they weren’t arguments. I accepted what he said, I knew better than to waste my time arguing. I was making all the effort while lowering my expectations as he increased his expectations of me.
Wow, Brit, maybe we were married to the same guy. He did nothing other than go to work, which apparently consisted of texting whore, emailing whore, treating whore to lunches and dates, and of course Quick Visits on the way home. All the while acting like doing anything for or with his wife and child was just too much effort.
OMG, Tempest, mine actually said same, I needed to “own my part”. What was that, said I? Cooking, cleaning, buying the house; working full time up until the day I delivered our daughter (he was cheating the entire pregnancy I found out); handling all the finances????
He actually said to me a couple years after DDay, you know, you need to treat me with respect!
I LAUGHED OUT LOUD IN HIS FACE, “are you kidding me??? I will NEVER respect you nor treat you with respect, you destroyed everything and BLAMED ME!” You essentially tossed the kids, the house, our life and financial security out of the moving truck driving away. Right, my part.
Yes, I was the bad wife, actually said “you didn’t appreciate me, you never thanked me for taking out the trash”. Hey asshole, you never thanked me for that C Section!!!!
God, the level of insanity in these jerks has no end.
After my sixty year old ex moved to his mother’s, within TWO days I was told that “all I did was cook, go to work, go to bed early…. after raising two successful sons (three if you count the ex), keeping a beautiful house, and never complaining. Wow, am I bad. My exMIL said that I “had a bad house” and everytime she was with my ex he told her how unhappy he was. Really on the Monday before he left (on Thursday), after sex, he told me how “hot” I was. He also left notes that said “it’s about us”, “let’s make this work” and “maybe we can date”! Talk about royal mindfuck! (And yes…out there, he is such a nice guy!)
He handled finances, but here is the thing, he didn’t. All unknown to me. But guess who’s fault it is? Mine. Seriously. I will own up to my mistakes. I trusted, I enabled and I spackled. I married an immoral, idiot that can’t own his truth. He lied and cheated on me. I no longer need him to realize how worthless he is but, seriously, pay your bills and the money you owe me. Amazing how much he likes being the victim. So grateful to be divorced. So thankful for chump lady and chump nation. Until you live it, you can’t possibly fathom the mindset of these horrible exes. We are all mighty and have a much brighter future in store.
I thanked mine often — for working so hard, doing menial crap around the house, etc. Near the end, he raged that I didn’t appreciate him. I said, “What about all of those “thank yous”? His response: “It didn’t sound like you meant it.”
So, even with something so ridiculous, the goalposts perpetually move.
And, your point about the C-Section is spot-on. The entitled ones demand insane levels of appreciation for simply acting responsible on occasion, but it’s a burden to ask for any level of appreciation from them.
I’m at the point that I genuinely know–and feel–that life is better without asshat, but coming here helps to reiterate that fact. I love this tribe. 🙂
Ah, yes, so much better without them, but damn if it didn’t take too long to actually feel and believe it. Now, when he says Dec 1 that he has no money for child support, I just smile and say, Ok. No reaction to the taunt. The money actually appears 2 days later. I have learned, believe me, the hard way, that no reaction is the only thing they understand. Once I stopped spinning like a top every time he pulled the string, he stopped pulling the string. Pick up kids, smile, drive away. Drop off kids, smile, drive away. No emotion, no cares, really don’t care enough to get angry anymore, at anything. It’s lovely!
funny thing now is the kids come home and tell me about the new toy; church going and trying to “save” him, trying to get him to stop smoking (hahaha), start doing yoga (belly laugh), eating at the kitchen table…kids had to clear it off of his crap before she arrived; stop drinking soda, start riding a bike. I told my son, well, it probably won’t work out, you gotta take em as you find em and she’s already trying to change him so, hang on. He laughed and said ya, mom, I thought the same thing. We never eat at the table! Sad sac. At least my son can laugh about it and not cry like he used to. Bastards.
Same story for me Patience, cluster b fucktards! I feel for my kids having to deal with a soulless shell of a narc father.
I also received the verdict that I “made” him miserable and “made” him serially cheat (of course he hid those little details from me and pretended all was well– until he was discovered and challenged. Then the rage and blameshifting and re-writing history began.
I couldn’t MAKE him put his socks in the hamper instead of the floor right next to the hamper! I certainly don’t have the power to make him cheat, lie, blame me, abandon…. or any of the other things he accuses me of.
We’re magical don’t you know?
Somehow I made The Worm miserable before I left and I continue to ruin his life now that I’ve been gone for four months.
We have skills beyond comprehension! Supreme life ruiners!?
Laugh.
Supreme life ruiners! Hahah. That made me life. We could form an executive committee! I’ll run as Treasurer!
Ditto! Are you sure we weren’t married to the same POS?
@LadyB – exactly what mine claimed too. Because I was so awful and did not meet his needs and MAKE HIM HAPPY the only recourse was to abandon house, home, hearth, wife, child, pets, finances, etc.
It told me that he was leaving me for the AF in order to be “his most vibrant self” and that it was impossible to be that with me … all my fault, you see. I was such a downer! But the AF. Oh! They made them feel ALIVE. VIBRANT. Yes, lying and fucking around is sooooo vibrant! hahah. Hilarious expect it was hell on earth at the time.
He said that he couldn’t possibly talk to me… but upon developing this relationship with the AF realised, “it didn’t have to be that way” (PRAISE! All my fault again… god darn it. I am really am awful arent I? Lucky he got away. Poor sausage).
He said that I took away his agency and disempowered him… projection much? How about my agency not to be in a polygamous/affair relationship? Every time he had sex with me over the 2 years of his affair I consider a form of sexual abuse. I did NOT consent to that arrangement. He did NOT have my permission to do that to me. I thought I was having sex with my partner in a long-term monogamous relationship. I wasn’t. I was the one who had my agency denied. But NC changed that, motherfucker.
Him walking out on me, our house, our furniture, our bills, our friends, everything was the greatest blessing in disguise.
Same shit different day with these creeps. Mine used to harass me for sex. I wasn’t a prude but it was like some weird stress release for him. Some nights when I was dog tired, working Mum here with partner / father that did fuck all around the house I was afraid to go to sleep as the harassing and then the arguing would start which made me want to have sex less. How the fuck I put up with it I don’t know.
Every morning he would just have his hands all over me not in a gentle way in a weird needy way,. Soo fucking don’t miss that. I wake up in peace and hear the birdies in the trees.
I look back now and it was sexual intimation all the ranting, so confusing. What a fucker.
Oh and yeah his cheating is all my fault and one day I will understand that, keep walking fucker.
Vibrant self?? I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I suppose I was judged by X as not being vibrant. When he was with me he didn’t feel “butterflies.”
What??
Were not in 8th grade.., X told me he looked around at other couples and they seemed so much in love unlike us. I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
I assume he was comparing his feeling butterflies with his exciting and new AP to me the the dullard he’s been married to for 20 years.
Maybe I’m naive or out of touch but really how often do you see middle aged married couples acting like teenagers and feeling butterflies? in public? I don’t think it’s anything I’d care to watch.
Glad you could laugh. It’s pretty wanky, huh. I can laugh too… now I’m not in the thick of it!
Feeling pretty vibrant myself actually, living free of a lying, manipulating, abusive cheating spouse!
It was mid-30s trying to be early 20s… going out drinking late, taking drugs etc. I didn’t live that lifestyle, but I never told him how to live his life. I didn’t judge him if he wanted to binge drink, smoke weed, take ecstasy. I thought if that’s what he needs to do because he never did that as a young person. He lived with his mother until 26 and I was his first girlfriend. Man, I know ho wto pick them huh. The emotionally stunted dude – I’ll have him!
Anyway, that’s how he got away with affairs for so long. Coming home at 3am and I wouldn’t blink an eye… I was secure. I didn’t need to worry. He can do what he likes and I’M THE COOL SPOUSE IE. CHUMP CITY.
You’re right, we’re not in 8 grade. But what you said made me realise that something about these cheaters brains/emotional regulation is developmentally stunted.
It’s like they don’t go through the typical developmental processes emotionally and socially to mature into adults.
They are teenagers in adult bodies/faces. Just in the sense that they are so selfish.
And that’s kind of being mean to teenagers, because not even all teenagers go around destroying other people’s lives with reckless abandon
I agree with you NeverlLookingBack. Consensual sex requires *Informed* consent. If one doesn’t realize that one’s partner has been sharing the “marital tackle” (as Aeronaut humorously put it yesterday), then informed consent is not possible. I, for one, would have chosen NOT to have sex with my X had I known about his affairs.
Thus, I consider every time we had sex the last 8 years of the marriage (post-gradwhore affair) to have been rape. (And to be honest, it was probably rape from the 3rd month of the marriage to serial cheater, given what I now know.)
NeverLookingBack & Tempest, thank you so much for putting into words issue I have been struggling with. I felt so sick but wasn’t able to word it.
I don’t really know if Marvin Merchants cheated me or not, but I know that he quietly blamed his erectile dysfunction on me, pretended to be loving and caring boyfriend, and had sex with me anyway (and abused my love and kindness in many other ways). It makes my stomach turn when I type it. What a gross and immoral thing to do, these narcs truly USE people.
Same situation here. Mine had replacement lined up and they moved in together 1 month after divorce. Would have been sooner but I had a good attorney that put no overnight visits in temporary order. Karma bus has already hit btw. He didn’t ever work and was in rehab last I heard. Hope you get an awesome life to make up for lost time!
Yes. This is something that I had always struggled with — the fact that I didn’t get to “go through the motions” and have more time to process what was happening and ultimately, who he really was. It all happened so quickly. We were together ten years. Then he disconnected completely, and never looked back. I used to continually replay the few short weeks from D-day to NC — that’s all I had to go on.
That said, I am coming up on three years since the divorce and I can say with genuine honesty that life has taken such a wonderful turn — thoughts of him are very far and in-between. I love Meh. So much.
For those of you who aren’t at meh yet, YOU WILL GET THERE. I promise.
Thank you Gia. I look forward to Meh. It’s only been 2 months since x left with no explanation. Luckily 5 days later I found evidence of 4 year affair which made it easier in a way. At least there was a reason. It is always better to know the truth no matter how hard. Of course preparations had been underway. Telling his family we hadn’t been getting on which wasn’t true. Playing the victim saying I kicked him out which wasn’t true. Anyway I have plenty of friends and family so I don’t need his. He doesn’t have many of either. Presents as ‘a nice guy’ but now I realise not very deep. I have had a lot of support and am determined to get to meh and be happy.
Georgie — Yes, the narrative to their family/friends must fit in with the “nice guy” image they’re trying so desperately to uphold. I was heartbroken when he told his family we were secretly unhappy — all lies. We had just gone on two romantic weekends that same month. It’s pathetic really. You are building a new life. Many good things to come. And remember — the people that matter will know the truth.
I’m so happy you found CL. Chump Nation is in your corner, always. xx
Mine did the same 18 months ago. He had been prepping our mutual friends (on his side) and family with his tales of woe… how he was at “breaking point” in our relationship (news to me)… must have been hard working maintaining a double life, poor diddums. After it was all out in the open, he had the audacity to tell people our “break up was for the best.” Break up? You had a 2 year affair and walked out cold when I uncovered it! Honestly so happy to be past the mindfuck. His constant need to be the “nice guy” when his SOUL is not nice. Not one bit. He demonstrated that. He was a sad sack of shit. Not yet at meh, but everyday getting stronger and more resilient (and mightier).
X did the prepping with our mutual friends, his family, with his sorrowful tales, he just “couldn’t take it anymore” and had tried everything, sadly I was uncooperative.
He played the victim well, his suffering from my instability and mental illness was finally coming to a close.
He suffered in silence all these years and never thought to tell me?
Who gave him the authority to diagnose my having a mental illness?
All blatant lies and insinuations, half truths, twisting stories, he’s full of shit.
X has a “nice guy,” image, claims to be a man of integrity.
He’s a sad sausage, woe is me.
I’d be much further to meh if he wasn’t bringing me back to court to reduce my support, claiming disability, not paying my full support. Relentless torment.
he sounds just like my story with my soon to be ex!!
Do these guys have a handbook on this? Stbx did the same thing!
I have actually said this to my therapist. How can ALL of our stories have so much in common? Like I told my son: I ALWAYS knew there was just something “not right” about him. Just never knew that when you put it all together it equals Sociopath! I am not meh yet. Hoping to get there someday.
X claims to never have been happier since leaving. I’m wondering who he’s trying to convince,
Brit and Feelings,
Same thing here….Ex told his nephew last weekend, “I have never been as happy as I am right now.” Funny thing is, he said that to me when we met 11 years ago and were married a year after. There are no words for the narcissists and disordered of this world. So happy to have moved on to meh and wish that feeling for everyone who has lived through this trauma/drama.
I have a child with the “ice cube” and it enraged me even more that he could go weeks without seeing DD, or even contacting me regarding her. I didn’t give two shits about me, but her???? Hell naw!!!!
DD is Autistic and because of his abandonment, she regressed for a while (I hear you loud and clear about the mess left behind to clean up, CL)
It was baffling for me at first that he could be so cold and just break off contact like that. Thirteen years, *poof*, like nothing to him.
Now, two years later, I’m better for it. It’s a blessing that he has compartmentalized DD to just every other weekend. Makes my life easier to not have him around. He’s too busy being a daddy to his OWifes kids.
He went out and leeched himself onto a new family after abandoning the one God gave him. His loss.
So sorry for your daughter! Some people shouldn’t be allowed kids, period.
I see what you are sayin that these people shouldn’t be allowed to have kids if you mean, they shouldn’t be allowed to abuse them. But, I must say that the kids I have from my Styx who is completely self absorbed are a blessing. Do I wish they had a different father? Yes.
I tell them that although they have his DNA, they are not him and God created each of them to be his own person. I tell them that some people have good fathers and do not make good choices and they have a choice in what they will become. They have purpose in this world.
While my Stbx took the abandon route. He does pop in for kibble periodically during a rage mostly. It kills me to see him invite the kids to do something only after all “better offers” have been exhausted. He is totally about being the photo op parent and like others here blames me for alienating the kids. I really don’t know if he doesn’t get it or doesn’t care but I guess it doesn’t matter because the result is the same
We have similar situations. My daughter is also autistic. Non verbal. Ex was also a cold sociopathic abandonment cheater. Just got married last week to the OW. I remember the pain of the abandonment very well. Still in therapy over it. But you are so right. Every other weekend is enough for me too. But how these cheaters can just turn their backs on their own flesh and blood will never make sense to me. The injustice of it all is baffling.
My cheater ex is a combination of ice cold abandoner and sociopathic stalker. He abandoned our teenaged kids completely as if they never existed. Both have High Functioning Autism and other health issues. It’s been three years since DDay and not once has he spoken to them or wanted to see them (though I have heard he’s telling people it’s because of parental alienation on my part-this way he gets to be the victim and I’m the monster). He dumped them and left me to support them in every way with no help from him. He got to walk away with no responsibilities and total freedom to live a new life. I have to pick up the pieces for three people.
And I get treated to the sociopathic stalker who can’t let go and leave me alone. He makes up excuses to have to contact me or do things to make my life more difficult than it already is. And I find it creepy and weird that while doing these things he completely ignores that we have kids together. For a while, whenever he contacted me (email only for financial reasons), I responded by writing about the kids. Huge mistake. It triggered the rage channel and he upped the abuse and craziness. Lesson learned…he hates the reminder that he’s a father.
I wish he had abandoned me too!
mine is the other way around.. .. . he only wants the children. 2 boys. that we had together. he completely ignores me and refuses to talk to me.. .. . it is like i just did not exist or was not important to him those 15.5 years.. .. i think he hates the reminder that he sucked at being a husband, so of course all the blame is on me.. .. he only loves his boys.. .. whatever. he recently stopped seeing them too.
What a horrible human being! There’s a special place in hell for those folks, even if you don’t get to see them experience karma in this life. Be sure of that! You are amazing for making a life for your kids and being their rock through the shitstorm their dad created. You rock!!
My ex is totally like this. He plays our daughters instead. But as soon as I told him I was going to stop financially supporting him, the gig was up.
I appreciate this article bc — despite the clear evidence to the contrary — from seeing the letters to his getting caught leaving our two toddlers in a locked car on a 100 degree day — I feel crazy. He looks normal om, The outside. He is not. He’s a loon. And he is exactly what you describe. He is callous, entitled, and so very lazy. But his discard was so final that I felt really woethless for a long time.
I felt my heart stop when I read your story.
We adults have autonomy and we people here have gotten our lives back.
But him leaving toddlers alone in a locked car on a hot day?
I am so so glad they were discovered and the children are safe with you. Sending you a prayer of strength.
Yep, Lovey dove, we could swap stories.
My ex sticks around to make my life hell. Him and schmoopie can act normal for a small amount of time, but if you start to spend time with them, then the crazy eventually comes out. He is callous, entitled, and lazy also. Sad thing is, this behavior was learned from his parents.
Oh yes…..so did he!
I loved this column when it first ran. It did help reframe a shitty viewpoint I had about myself and my “marriage”. Now, I need a column on drop in dad. Not Disney dad but the guy who inconsistently pops up like a prairie dog seeking kibble and impression management from his children.
Children never give up hope that their parent will come back to claim them. It’s a brutal emotional roller coaster for us all.
Variable reinforcement makes his “temporary care/concern/interest” a hard habit to kick. I watch my kids pick me dance and cry and I want to beat the crap out of my ex.
Forget long diatribes to the cheating ex. He has no remorse, won’t change his ways but is teaching my kids esp my daughter how a man treats a woman.
Being discarded over a weekend, hurt me like hell. Being discarded every 2-3 months by a parent is a mother fucker.
Yes agreed the stbxw is the same dissappears then 4 weeks later, At the school as a 5 min Mum. So cruel to the kids love and confusing for them. And has the cheek to say she is their mum. Well fucking act like one.
Physicsgal, I don’t know how old your kids are, but you can help them through this horrific, emotionally abusive relationship with their father. It’s not alienation to point out the consistencies in their dad’s behavior, to remind them of how painful it’s been in the past, and to help them recognize insincerity. Even if he keeps ‘popping in’, they can learn to keep up their emotional boundaries. Plus I sure hope the kids have good therapists, who understand about narcissistic abuse!
When my ex cheated for the second time, I wasn’t even that mad or heart-broken (that had come after the first affair, 6 years previously). I just finally accepted that we didn’t share values or life goals, and that he didn’t value me or our relationship as I did him. He had always been a mediocre father, but I had hope that once he only had to parent very part-time, and without the on-going drama of our relationship, that he’d step up and be there for the kids.
Of course he didn’t, of course his entire focus continued to be himself and his life. THIS is the part that killed me, the part I couldn’t believe for the longest time, the part I will never forgive. Be an asshole to me, fine, I’m a grown-up, I chose you, I chose when to stay and when to go, and I know I can recover. But YOUR OWN KIDS??????
My kids and I joke around; he’s not only not the man we thought he was, he’s not even the man we thought he was once we realized he wasn’t the man we thought he was.
That is what I think everyday, you wanted out of the marriage , say it, own it ., leave me , but our daughters
Who looked up to you , and loved you and trusted you to take care of them and me their mom – how do you participate in as my one daughter said ,”disgusting , gross” behavior online which she discovered when she went to use the family computer – she was afraid to tell me and had to hold on to that secret alone till I discovered his betrayal of our family .
He is such a coward , he has not approached any of the 3 since I told him we were done – I had to tell them , always doing the heavy emotional lifting but to leave me is one thing to walk away from your daughters , WOW.
I said to him ,” How do you walk away from them ”
No answer . He is moving out and away without a word to them
These parents are the WORST. My son has one. Four years of nothing and then the guy shows up on college move-in day.
Oh, and the ones who do this and who are deadbeats on the child support? That shit goes hand in hand.
Like us, children grow up and their new lives eclipse their old lives, and parents (especially the shitty ones) have less importance.
But the sane responsible parent never stops wanting to thug kick these creeps. It’s so hard to be meh when someone hurts your child. Makes our sane parent job that much more important. Hang in there.
Chump lady,
My stbx cheater just bought a Harley and put “DEADBT” on the license plate. I don’t know what to make of this. He appears to be telling the truth. But why now?
I was thinking maybe I should get CHUMP on mine (when the judge orders him to start giving me some kind of support of course.)
I realize this is a few days old, but a quick story: Some years back I was following a tricked out Hummer with a lady driving. The license plate was “MYDIVCESTLMT.”
She looked very nicely tricked out as well!
I saw a license plate on a convertible Mercedes ” WAS HIS” she looked very comfortable! Presume this was part of her settlement.
My husband just texted to ask what “we” were doing for Easter dinner – What?
He then went on to say he would be really happy to keep doing family things with the kids (19-24) every holiday…..to which I asked what his AP/ 26-year younger ho-worker would think? He said he ” I never thought of that.”
Can not make this stuff up.
Our divorce will be finalized in May around the time of our 31st anniversary,
Needless to say “we” will not be doing Easter dinner together
What? He didn’t think Schmoopie would have a reaction to “happy family time” that leaves her heating up her own dinner in the microwave?
Stbx told kids it was part their fault he had an affair/he needed to be happy and this was their new reality.
We were living life as a happy family up until this.
Told them we would continue to do Christmas/ birthdays etc together with my family(he loved my family)
This however wouldn’t happen when it was his turn with his family. I would have to go away ……. Laughed in his face and said you REALLY think my family would want you around
He couldn’t understand my hostility ….. He was dumbfounded
What an ass.
My cheater knows his place now, but last year when we were first separating, he seemed to think that he’d remain a part of my large family’s get-togethers. He said, “I don’t see why anything would have to change.” “Umm… Maybe because you’re distrustful, and I don’t feel safe around you anymore. Let’s start there.”
Chump Lady hit the nail on the head when she labeled them as entitled. They can’t cheat on their family and still expect the benefits of family holidays. Sorry, it’s a package deal.
Tired Chump,
This jackass wants to come over to do an Easter egg hunt with the family! He no doubt will want to sit down, together, to a home baked Easter cake with fluffy frosting and covered in chocolate bunnies. Then, bless his heart,( his kindness is endless), he can find it in his cold heart to shuffle over to the family, ( the same loving family HE disregarded by his actions), to sing Christmas carols while dinning on stuffed turkey and all the fixings.
There is no spot at this table for him, ever! He has lost that privilege.
Tired Chump, your divorce will be final in May. There is a bright light at the end of your tunnel. I am sure the struggle has been long and very difficult.
Whenever I see your name posted I have already changed your name to “Mighty Chump.” That title is more fitting for YOU.
YOU are mighty!
Hugs!
(I wish you and your wonderful children a very Happy Easter)!
Turkey and all the stuffings of course includes the traditional Christmas Cake!
That “CAKE” word, just says it all!
Well, here’s wishing stale cake to all world wide cheaters!
Good for you, TiredChump, ending the cake buffet. “Family things” indeed. They are delusional.
Time to stop responding to your stbx. He is never gong to respond in the manner you would like him to respond. Your kids are old enough to deal or not deal with their father. Opt for a big payout instead of alimony if possible. Anyway the 26 year younger OW will soon be making his life miserable. Count on it.
so true! I posed a karma bus story in the forum yesterday about how 20-year younger gold digging whore, who has secretly lived with (off of) X for 2.5 years now couldn’t be bothered to help him in any way when he was horribly ill this week — instead she was screaming her head off at him in outrage at 5 a.m. because he wouldn’t get his sick ass out of bed and drive her an hour each way into her minimum wage job in the City — she couldn’t be bothered to take the bus that runs in front of their high glass apartment.
I went out of my way to care for everything in our lovely home and provide every creature-comfort and authentically lovingly while I worked a professional job for 25 years! It’s unbelievable to me still that exactly what I predicted and warned him of has come to pass. Too bad so sad.
I’m gone like the wind. . . and my kids and my job and my boyfriend and his kids get the benefit of my domestic skills now. And, BF is very grateful – says he won the lottery the day X chose to devalue and discard me!
Yeah for you. That age gap will not work out for them she will tire of him and find new and shiny. I’m sure he is thinking, what the fuck I have done. Great you meet a beautiful man.
In my experience things are never thought through beyond the primary level. If it was a chess game they would suck, lazy minds or don’t give a stuff, not sure but as deep as a bird bath I know that.
SMDH. Seriously? Yep, I’m convinced that many of these cheaters are mentally disordered along with a touch of a biscuit full of crazy.
Dear Chump Lady
Your child’s pain, the hurt to each chump’s child in all of the posts, THIS creates a strong bonding felt on this site. It is shared pain and we are able to help each other. There is a deep understandings of how much this hurts, even in those who have reached meh.
In remembering the incredible pain of Dday, that initial dead soul feeling, I also remember how it is quickly followed by an intense strength, dredged from the bottom of what is left of our heart. What surfaces and NEVER wavers is a determined LOVE and strength for our children. ( at Dday we had a very young child, a lost pregnancy and I was in first trimester of a third pregnancy).
A chump thinks no matter what happens my children will feel loved. They will be well cared for by ME. No matter what!
Always does come back to the equation of how the fuck can a cheater do this to a child, an innocent child! No matter, initially, if they go or stay, or what the fuck ever! it just comes back to the fact that they suck!
I am sorry to go on and on, but the thought of children suffering needlessly, added to the memory of Dday pain, just brings it all out in me!
CL, CN, I am so sorry for all your pain.
Your children will always feel the strong love of YOU, the sane parent.
I am thankful for the love and strength that lives on this site 24/7 ?
Sometimes I wonder if my cheater would have acted differently if he had to actually experience what he did to his child. Because he abandoned us, he never had to see the sobbing, never saw the anger as my son punched holes in walls and doors. Pain all around but the coward wasn’t man enough to own his shit. My reward for being the sane parent is that I have the respect and love from my DS!
I’m so sorry for you guys with kids. You guys are heroes. Seriously.
I am lucky I never bred with that fuckwit.
Hats of to those of you that are being the sane parent. Keep it up. I salute you.
My asshole experienced this from his own cheating bio dad and cheating step dad. It absolutely did not change his behavior to me or the kids. The biggest thing he chooses to do is mate management with the kids and covert kibble abuse.
You think they would consciously not repeat what they lived through, but they don’t care and consciously do the same crap to the chump and kids. Wash.Rinse.Repeat.
Same here, ANC. The cheater went through a painful divorce of his parents where his cheating and abusive father would show up in a very conservative community gatherings and tell the son his mother was a whore! The mother did her best, I would guess, but ended up in a 3 year relationship with a married man before marrying her next husband. The cheater was 12 at the time of divorce. He told me how he hated them both, how he yearned for a normal family.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Now I am worried about my son adopting the same attitude towards women. How do I ensure he does not if his father shows up twice a year and puts on a disney dad show? It pains me to see how my 9 year old can forget about my existence and just clings to his dad thinking this will go on forever. I become the enforcer of discipline and life with me is routine and boring while the sparkly dad outshines with organizing adventurous trips.
Image management
beautiful post peacekeeper! so much of my pain and struggle has been in discerning the path that is best for me and my kids – who are such beautiful people and did nothing to deserve their father’s treatment of their mother and our family
I was five months pregnant and caring for our 1 1/2 year old when cheater left. Our child was so happy and filled with curiosity for the world around him. When CH left us, he’d visit our child three days/week + Saturdays.
During the week, he’d pop in after work, play with our son for three hours, then leave. Sadly, much of his time meant for our child was spent fighting with me.
When he left, DS would scream, cry, running from the front door to the back door, to the window. It would take him at least an hour for him to calm down. He started biting his nails, (and a year later continues to do so) and the little boy who always smiled, now has a constant pained look about him.
He is a beautiful child. And so very sensitive.
What his father fails to realize is that although his actions were selfish in nature, and thought to have brought about feelings of pain and betrayal upon only me, the greatest expense was paid by our child. He is in his formative years. He has to grow in tainted soil and he never deserved any of it.
Every night after cheater left; I picked up the pieces of my child’s broken heart. A heart still growing and learning from his environment. CH may have believed that he was “visiting” his son regularly, but really, as DS saw it; it was abandonment, relived over again, with no end in sight.
My heart will forever ache knowing our child was robbed of his innocence after only a year and a half of being alive.
Exactly this is why I knew I had to move back to my home country, although after two years, these visits had dwindled to 1-2 hours a week for ice cream. He didn’t even show up when S4 slipped on ice and broke his arm. Cue an all nighter in A and E with D1 and S4… he was out drinking.
Thanks for this CL.
I had one of these cold ass cheaters. He barely hid it for a few months and then out the door he went and never ever looked back. Never ever asked to come back. Never ever asked for cake.
Saw our 4 kids maybe 12 times over 15 months, never asked for an overnight, and now has gone an additional 2.5 years with zero contact with them. I can’t say I don’t wonder sometimes what it would have felt like to have been asked for some of my cake…
But, on the other hand, my kids don’t have to live in an environment with parents that fight over custody. Mainly because only one parent cares about them anymore. I lucked out I think. Just one cold ass piece of shit.
Some of them that fight over custody don’t want the kids either — it’s a way to punish the other parent.
living this currently. Barely spends time with her after pick up or drop off, but wants equal custody. it also becomes about money, more overnights means spending less on child support. it’s a shit show.
That would be my ex..
Yep, it sure is. Not enough to strip me of my assets: I had to be broken. Seriously, someone on this site talked me out of suicide a few years back by saying that Me Fab would only see it as a compliment.
All part of the game, and for these people, the game is all there is. One day, that game will be over.
Take heart, Chump parents-it is most likely your kids will draw their own conclusions. Yes, we all know the energy it takes, what it costs to spend five hours writing those two-line Grey Rock emails. But each, time, I recover more quickly. Yesterday, Mr Fab asked me for the money for half a plane ticket and refused to reimburse me for my half of eyeglasses, passport, graduation tickets, meeical bills, etc because I hadn’t asked his permission. In the same. fucking. email.
I sent a spreadsheet, and this:
See below. The expenses we owe each other cancel out: since Kiddo has worn specs since 2004 I doubt this is a point for you to litigate about our agreed equally shared costs, up to and including higher education. Going forward, as she is 18 in September, she will need to arrange her glasses, passports and travel payments for herself and will undertake to ask us both in good time for what she needs via google sheets and calendar- starting with her ticket home from visiting you this summer.
They will fight over the kids and in my case win full custody only to leave our 16 year old son alone in the apartment he rented while X shacked up with his AP. X told our son they would be like “college room mates” like the movie Animal house. X had little to do with our son before X left. A16 year old doesn’t need a college room mate he needs a father. Our son was left without any parental supervision living in an apartment on his own.
X alienated our son from me, robbing him from having a loving and devoted mother, no concern for his grades, questionable friends, activities, long term affects of being alienated from his mother, X was only concerned with winning. It’s been heartbreaking for me, but what I find more heartbreaking than the neglect of our son is watching a once successful student, honest young man taught to be dishonest t and turned to someone I barely know.
No, they’re out to win at any cost, absolutely no concern for their children.
Brit, my story is so similar to yours. My son was was 17 at the time of the divorce, and we had 60/40 joint custody. But my son spent almost every weekend with his father and AP. Why? No rules, responsibilities, no regard to school grades. As a result, my son dropped out of high school in his senior year. Now he works as a receptionist for his stepmom’s new business. And he’s not on the payroll, so he’s not getting credits for so social security. When I expressed my concerns to my son, he told me not to worry, because he was told he would inherit their business. Unbelievable!!!
Patti, my son eventually graduated from our local college, he has a job working for friends step-father at an “assisted living home” same as a convalescent home. He’s paid minimum wage on salary, no overtime. His job consists of moving elderly patients, changing them, cleaning up after them, feeding them, if they need a cook at the home he cooks, he takes inventory for their supplies. It’s a commendable job but usually not a first choice for a young person, or as a career.
I asked him if he likes this job and if this is where he wants to do as a career. He says yes, because the owner said he would probably inherit the business someday. I reminded him that the owner has children of his own that they would most likely inherit the business before he would. No, I don’t understand. My son is incredibly immature which is probably to be expected with the father he has.
I don’t understand why his father doesn’t give him some guidance and step up and explain this to him or talk to him about finding a career and the unlikelihood of him inheriting the assisted living business. Who would want it ? sounds like a gigantic headache.
The only guidance, is X’s GF wants to live in a private love nest which means our son needs to move out of his home. X’s new home has four bedrooms.
My son then found an apartment in the worst possible part of town. The apartments are known to be gang infested, shootings every week, drugs, but the rent is low. His father didn’t object to his living in these apartments, it is unbelievable.
What kind of “man” asks his son who is making minimum wage at a shitty job to move out of his home to live in a crime infested apartment complex because his GF doesn’t like his son living with them??
My son is welcome here in my home but his father said that would make him a momma’s boy.
It’s so unbelievable, it’s overwhelming.
No question in my mind they don’t want the kids, just tying to inflict misery. If they were in any way concerned about the kids they would be trying to make it easier for the damaged parties, especially their own kids. Instead twisting the knife is the behavior of choice and is so telling about the lack of character there.
Sad having to choose what is better, total abandonment or long term assault on your (and your child or children’s sanity.
They know nothing will hurt you more than to hurting your kids!
No wonder chumps hope for the karma bus just for a third choice.
Why are they punishing the one they left? Did t they hurt them enough? We are still in the divorce process with custody at the core and he pops up unannounced whenever he wants (kids are living with me — they’re teenagers and don’t want two homes)…he says the house is half his so he can come whenever. He plays basketball with one of my sons for about 15 minutes and chatting to the neighbors like he still lives here. It makes me sick. But because I don’t have a settlement yet I have to watch my mouth. How can they be so callous?
You don’t have to have a settlement to keep him geographically away and respecting your space. Talk to your lawyer and see what your options are.
In the meanwhile, he’s talking to the neighbors to keep up the impression of a good man. Keeping that in mind, nothing deflates this better than a nice round of honest awkwardness. Let the neighbors know how he imposes on you, then let Idiot know you told the neighbors. Then next time he arrives, make a lot of fan fare about leaving the house when he’s around.
Being quiet helps no one but the abuser. You got this!
Hugs
Thanks Lifeisgood.
If I give him shit every time he comes to see the kids, I’m sure he won’t give me as much as he intended (it’s complicated…we have barely any shared assets and he made his money before marrying me so it’s all his)
I’d suggest changing the locks if he has moved out, including the garage opener, if you have one. You have every reason to secure the home if you and the kids live there alone. It’s not like you are looking him out of his primary residence. If he says anything, remind him that you are separated and that means you aren’t living as man and wife. But he’s welcome to come by to pick up the kids for his time with them. I don’t think letting him run all over you will be an asset in getting a settlement. If you hold your ground in a professionally “pleasant” way, there’s really not much he can do. That’s not giving him “shit” about his behavior. That’s just setting a reasonable boundary. “I understand you want to come and go when you please, but it will be better for us and the kids if we acknowledge that we are divorcing and respect each other’s privacy. And then if you come over to pick up the kids, you’ll know they are here and waiting for you.”
It also sounds like it will help you to stop talking about STBX or the settlement around the kids. He’s just the father of your kids now. You put up with him like you do the obnoxious coach or the unpleasant teacher.
FWIW, changing the locks on a house could be illegal if he is still part owner. You need some kind of separation agreement or other court order that would CYA on this in many jurisdictions.
Changing the locks is a brilliant idea to stop him showing up and walking in whenever he’s feeling “fatherly”. Or whenever…
One friend,who was dealing with Mr. It’s-MY-House-and-I-Can-Come-Over-When-I-Please, “lost” her keys down a storm drain (oops !) and had to get the locks changed to put a stop to that nonsense. And she didn’t feel the need to tell him.
I think, Mjo, he’s been bullying you for a long time. My guess is you have balls, but your pattern may be to eat a mountain of shit sandwiches and then blow up when you can’t eat another bite. I’m just suggesting a different strategy–essentially gray rock communication coupled with building reasonable boundaries over time. It’s important not to “give him shit.” That may indeed backfire. What’s the worst he can do? Either the court will recognize your that years of marriage and raising children mean a reasonable settlement or it won’t. Your power, though, lies in putting on a fake smile and quiet setting your boundaries. Over and over until he gets it.
One of my favorite lines from “Walking Dead” is Negan, talking to Sasha about her “beachball size lady nuts.” You’ve got them. Just recognize that lady nuts are all about not letting him push your buttons OR run you life.
Perfect LAJ. And boundaries are important, Mjo. That ‘money’ he made before your marriage? Unless you have a pre-nup, marriage is an agreement to share that with you and your children. I know your position, and feel it. Mine owned a farm before we met. But after 30 years, and the work I put in, trading real estate together, working my butt off with him, as well as doing the lion’s share (lioness’s is more bloody accurate anyway!) of the domestic labour, financials, and bookwork, yeah, it’s half mine.
And the saying is, grow a vagina! Much tougher than sensitive little balls! ? (Thanks to Shen Wang, then Betty White for repeating this gem.) You can do this xxx.
I need to grow some balls sounds like.
Thank you.
MJo
My heart goes out to you. This is the worst. The cheater trying to look “nice” and “helpful” to make themselves feel better about their deplorable behavior.
It is also so confusing to the kids – my husband has tried to “help” and just drop by act normal after totally decimating me
All I can say is treat hm cordially so you maintain your dignity with the kids and neighbors and know it will be easier once custody / divorce terms finalized.
I feel I made a mistake by treating my husband as if nothing was different during his “drop-ins” — as if his treatment was okay, when he was pretty much living with AP (despite his own apartment) after I asked him to leave. I behaved this way out of confusion and the mistaken belief that being nice would lead to reconciliation.
Once I had more strength I realized that the best thing was to go / be somewhere else and limit interaction so the kids understood I wouldn’t trash him but that “things had changed.”
TiredChump, it’s so hard. For the kids sake who don’t want to see my sour face when he shows up (they tell me it’s been two years now to get over it) yet I feel so run over by him. As if leaving me for someone else wasn’t bad enough, he has to dig the knife in deeper. He doesn’t announce when he’s coming, just randomly shows up. I will try your suggestion. I’ll have to really dig deep but I will try. Thanks.
Power and control. And nothing gives a person power more than unpredictability. I”m sorry you’re dealing with this.
“unpredictability” so true… The only way to nip that in the bud is to have a super detailed custody plan. I spelled out all pick up and drop off hours, all logistics for every holiday in the year, and a two back up steps for each change of plans needed.
There is absolutely no room for wishy washy “oh I didn’t know…” Shit, helps me with all custody matters I never have to ask a question to my X, I just outline what I will do if I don’t get an answer from him and move forward that way…
No emotions, no kibbles, and it’s really worked to help me plan my life and provide sanity to my kiddo despite the X’s baiting attempts.
That’s brilliant. Nothing gives more power than unpredictability. My kids spin in a web of “will he show up?” “Will he be on time?” “When will I hear from him?” And like a bad penny, he is consistently sporadic. I’ve finally drawn my
boundaries and am trying to guide my children to recognize and implement theirs. Unfortunately, I find it difficult to keep my emotions in check and I’m sure my kids see it as bitter bunnies.
30+ years here with my “ghoster”. After years of rough patches and counseling, now I imagine the reason really behind those issues were a hidden OW, I was believing we were “finally O.K.”
— Mr. Victim, abandoned me right before DD18th birthday, between her birthday, prom and graduation.
Because you understand, you have to make it ALL ABOUT the cheaters., forget the children.
His attorney actually told me to tell DD18 to “get a job and help out” if she wanted grocery money. Him, smiling smugly, beside her at the table. He thought he would cash strap me out of the home – he and OW right into it. With the “help” of my nincompoop attorney he almost succeeded in that task.
But mine clearly used his attorney to batter, probably directed by OW, with coward green lighting the entire process. I can tell you nothing turned out the way “they” planned. It was a supremely miserable 18 months, I imagine his bills for the divorce were 3x mine, so “Precious” his attorney, or as I called her, “Old Ironskirt” did little in the end to really HELP cheater, just drug things out, acted nasty and richened herself.
My shitty ex. Did the whole violence thing when I found a text message from AP. He proceeded to Busted up the tv, brand new car then blamed me and his kids for his affair as we put too much pressure on him. We left our family home out of fear. He moved his skank in 3 weeks later once her husband found out and then refused to have any contact with his four daughters. They are now getting married in 3 months and we are not even divorced yet !
He Now wants to have our kids back in his life after a year of not contacting them or wanting to know anything about them. Now they have blocked him from their lives.
His loss of a loyal wife and beautiful family is something I don’t think he will ever get.
I know he is scum, my heart just has to catch up !!
That feeling of “not even worth fighting for “just won’t go away no matter how I try to think logically about my situation.
This is a rather appropriate topic today. The ex left me while I took the kids to the zoo. No note or anything. I just noticed his toothbrush, some clothes, and some luggage was gone when we returned.
My question to Chump Nation is this: Recently, Uncle Dad got remarried, and I don’t know how to feel about it. Not for the usual reasons though. He proposed to the new wife on Christmas Eve, same as as he did with me, with a ring that looked eerily similar to mine. Then, they got married on the same day he and I got married, just 6 years later, at the same place, and by the same officiant.
That’s weird, right? I’m creeped out by it all.
Yep, my “family heirloom” wedding ring/engagement banded together disappeared about 6 months bef8re DDay. I specifically recall the conversation he & I had about where I had it hidden. He was afraid you see that my son was going to steal it.
I never confronted him or questioned him about where the ring was, nor did he ever say anything about it to me when he left.
Im sure Mrs. Dumb-Ass is wearing it now thinking shes so special wearing a “family heirloom”
Yes. Totally creepy. EEWWWWW. Gross. But they are unimaginative. You didn’t mean to him what he meant to you. There are multiple ‘you’s’ for him. Nothing meaningful there below the surface. You are 100% better off without him.
I found my sparklepants sent the same “love letters” to me and the OW. Detailing Leonard Cohen lyrics. It fit into his lost boy persona, and his narrative of falling in love with these vivacious women who take him on life’s adventures. [Only to dump them when they no longer serve him…]
It’s an utter vom-fest, sorry. But I have a point to make:
“Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river..
And just when you mean to tell her that you have no love to give her…
And you know that she will trust you
For you’ve touched her perfect body with your mind.”
Two lines stood out to me just now:
1) And just when you mean to tell her that you have no love to give her
NO LOVE TO GIVE HER.
2) And you know that she will trust you.
SHE WILL TRUST YOU.
Again…
NO LOVE
TRUST.
Jesus fucking christ. They are like cardboard cut-outs of human beings.
OMG!!! My ex used to sing this with his guitar. Creepy!!!!!!
Mines been watching the same movies and still listens to the same music he listened to twenty years ago, yawn
He was a drummer, not a very good one but said he was an ‘artist’ no your not.
He had little originality or artistic flare and I often felt like I was talking to a broken record, he just always said the same things.
He will be recycling all the dross song lyrics for the whore to make himself look deep, deep as a puddle that one and soulless.
Seriously, we may have been married to the same person..,
Mine watches the same movies over and over again, Caddy shack is one of his favorites, he knows all the lines and says them before the actor on the movie then keeps repeating the lines he thinks are particularly funny repeatedly.
Mine is also a drummer, and like yours not a very good one. In his mind he is an “artist”.
He enjoys reminiscing about his high school marching band days, again same stories with him always being the best. He was voted the most musical in his high school senior year, I don’t know how many times I heard him mention that.
He grew up in a small town of mostly rural farm families who were poor and needed to work on their family farms after school, not leaving much competition for drummer boy.
Listens to the music from that era and nothing else, the same CD’s, an Aerosmith, a Rolling Stones, a Doors and a Billy Squire. Not interested in listening to anything other than those I mentioned.
Then there’s the off the wall stories about his “folks” I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to those anymore. Trivial stories, with a huge build up where you’d look forward to hearing the ending and the be standing there thinking wtf? for example, big long build up to how about his mom who one day cut his peanut butter and jelly sandwich diagonally as a special treat. I’d look to see if he was serious, sometimes it took me all I had not to burst out laughing.
No originality, same lines, same heroic stories about himself and what a great guy he is.
Same routine day after day, laughed at his own jokes, get mad if I didn’t laugh hard enough, or heaven forbid not laugh at all or think he was funny.., dead eyed, soul less, pure evil.
For me music marks a time period in my life, he would get pissed that I didn’t want to listen to the indie rock crap that pained me through my turbulent early twenties but I tried to explain that it bought back painful memories, que blank stare.
Red flag moment. I found out that my pregnant cousins partner had cheated on her and was telling him what a POS I thought he was.
Ex had no reply to this, no judgement, bizarre.
He thought he was somehow better and smarter than everyone but he wasn’t even close, emotionally stunted. I think his development stopped at 23.
Anyways he’s having loads of fun living alone, seeing kids twice a week, trying to boody call me and working his ass off to pay down the c card debt he racked up on the whore who lives OS, she is he soul mate apparently and they will be together one day.
Good luck with his broke ass, no assets at 45, ex alco, health pill popping new age weirdo.
In my Mums words, he’s a loser.
Your Mum is absolutely spot on.
IT is a loser.
I love Mums <3. Honestly, would you recommend your best friend reconcile with someone like that? That's what I realised? Why were my standards so low for myself, when I would have been LIVID for that to happy to my best friend.
PS – My mum called it "dickwad" lol. Not that we bring it up much anymore 😉
my mum is the sweetest and rarely insults or is mean about anyone, for her to say this is a big deal. She added if she saw him she would like to punch him. I dont think my mum has punched anyone in her life,
Mines been watching the same movies and still listens to the same music he listened to twenty years ago, yawn
That just means he has unimaginiative taste in wife appliances. And that is no reflection on us, just them.
Kelli: Hmm, maybe he just wanted to simplify things… only 1 proposal story, 1 wedding date, 1 pastor’s name and 1 venue to remember. Can’t get any simpler than that!
At least he didn’t do what my ex did: dump me after ~40 years so he could be with his married coworker, who, incredibly, has the same first name and middle name as I do. He won’t even have to change the monogram on the towels.
My now ex-husband’s secret affair partner was the person who revealed the affair to me. She did so when I was just shy of 6 months pregnant with our 4th child.
She sent me hundreds of screenshots of her text messages with my then husband. Most of the screen shots contained extremely pornographic material.
My ex-husband and I had been together since we were teenagers, and we had special names for each other and for sex acts….our own intimate, secret language.
I couldn’t help but be shocked when reading the screenshots the secret affair partner texted me. They were speaking “our language”. My ex-husband was calling us (his pregnant wife and his secret affair partner) the exact same pet name. I was reading text messages of HER describing intimate acts with my spouse, using the exact same nicknames that my husband and I had invented together as teenagers.
Nothing was sacred.
Yes, very weird!
When mine first got an apartment, and I was still trying to convince him to stay before telling the kids, he was showing me his new apartment. He kept excitedly showing me things he bought that were stuff he knew I’d like. He even made comments like, “This is exactly the kind of place we always get! Isn’t it nice?” And it was, except that there was only room there for him and the kids, so it clearly didn’t feel homey.
It totally felt creepy. Yes, I think it’s a lack of originality. He complained that he didn’t like the way I decorated the house, but then he went and decorated his own place exactly the same. Huh?
Whatevs. Meh. He’s the AP’s boring problem now.
It sounds like that thing they do of taking the new Chump-to-be to the same restaurants, or the same vacation sites. Something about their lack of imagination and sticking to the things that worked for them before.
And anyway, having to remember a whole ‘nuther anniversary date is harrrddd!
Kelly….and he’ll probably keep doing it this way. All he has to do is remember the year; all the rest should be a cake walk! It’s like riding a bike!
Sorry….yes he is a creep!
Yes mine bought her the same hat I owned, kept banging on about me wearing a bikini, photos of her in a bikini, took her to all our family’s favourite beaches, saw the photos. Pretty sure she came to our house but you know what I don’t want to know anymore.
Had the same line also, you know crap quotes from profound people, poetry about where the sky meets the sea crap, soul mates blah blah.
He was unoriginal and stuck in the 90s, adios
Lived that too with the DDay MOW. What weird was the MOW trolling my sparse social media and reenacting the stuff I was doing or wearing. This episode in asshat’s serial cheating was too creepy and Sociopathic.
Keli –
Fucker is trying to get his twenties *thirties* right. So, what do these disordered franken-peckers (thank you Normar) do? Start all over again.
Same MO, same props, same fucked up brain. Again and again and again believing they will have a different outcome while the new honey bunnies (thinking they are special) dance to the tune of making the lying cheating assholes feel like who they THINK they are.
New wife is just a coat rack for him to hang HIS things on and a mirror to look into for self adoration. The minute honey bunny realizes it, and stops dancing, the dickwad will already be on to the next little special bunny.
Husband #1 still looking at 69 while with fourth wife. Poor slob hasn’t got his twenties right.
Michael Landon did the same thing.
Maturity is the equivalent of death to them.
interesting read..,
http://www.oocities.org/little_jenny2001au/inloveagain/inloveagain.htm
Michael Landon? I had felt sorry for him when he was diagnosed with cancer.
I had no idea..,
I see him entirely differently now..,
“Maturity is the equivalent of death to them.”
Brilliant. I, too, had a Peter Pan. Started dressing in Diesel Jeans in his 50s and boinking 22 year olds. One of his favorite songs was “Forever Young.” Now he’s “Forever without the respect of his daughters.”
Oh shit.
Mine dresses like a 23 year old surfer, he is 43 but prides himself on his youthful appearance and always checks himself out in windows.
That is the passive-aggressive message they so specialize in!
I have noticed this personality trait in not only my cheater, but many spoken of here on CN.
He is one who will try to continue to devalue you in these ways whenever he can dream them up.
Somehow they turn the whole thing around and make it out like they need to get some revenge.
While you were with them they quietly held things against you that would have been debunked if mentioned, but instead held in to make it ok to exact revenge for these often silly “slights” they imagine at a future date.
Can’t remember who here at CN mentioned their husband was incensed that the spaghetti was only broken in two when she cooked, not thirds. Of course never brought up until his explanation for cheating!
This is a whack job for sure, not to mention a passive-aggressive weirdo..
That is extremely creepy. I can’t decide if it’s evidence of just how interchangeable we are to some cheaters, or if he’s trying to punish you. Maybe both. Either way, that’s pretty screwed up. Sounds like the pick me dance of a lifetime for the OW.
My engagement ring “disappeared” during the year we were working through the divorce and still living under the same roof.
I have no doubt that it will be recycled when he propose to his next (victim) one true love.
Lots of bad juju when you do that…
My dipshit stbx did something similar. I was still wearing my diamond wedding band at work to avoid questions, and noticed forgot to take it off. I removed it, putting it in the drink holder of the car (definitively went in) and next day gone. Stbx was in house and driving car at that stage.
LC talks a lot about narc behaviour but I think with my special turd that passive aggressive behaviour is the predominant pathology.
I chose not to say anything to him because I knew he would deny then blame me for my memory. And I bet he was just waiting for me to accuse him, so he could get off on it. Just shits me and leaves me so frustrated that he acts in spite behind back – and, boy oh boy, did I discover that this is one of his favourite pastimes – but to my face is all calm and innocent (what girlfriend?, its all in your crazy head!). Anyway that is only one example of way tooo many. Can’t wait for my circumstance to change and I can go no contact.
I wish beyond wishing he was the man I thought he was, and not the man he is. And the man he is is someone who can’t stand me but too gutless to say it. Found out he had been expressing how he felt by dishonouring me for years by seeing prostitutes, before falling in twu luv. Only after he made a life with her and planned their beautiful future, did he discard me after nearly thirty years.
And can you believe he is still absolutely desperate to keep his good guy image? Running around telling his family and our son he is looking after me next year while I upgrade my professional qualifications, so I can increase my earning power. Turd. I hate that I have to rely him for that.
Things are going to get uncomfortable for him after the separation agreement is signed. He doesn’t know that I have proof and that introducing my upgrade to the family is not going to go the way they planned.
That is seriously creepy. But the thing is, you’re all props. And they’re not terribly original.
(My cheating ex recycled the engagement ring. Realized that after a conversation with his ex.)
My father’s third wife didn’t understand why I wouldn’t sell her the diamond from my mother’s engagement ring after my mom died. #3 has the setting and one of the diamonds from the ring which originally belonged to a great-grandmother. Family lore says that my narcissist grandmother bullied my grandfather into getting the ring off his mother’s hand while she lay dying.
Her hallmark lack of sensitivity had me gobsmacked. My narc father paired up with a kindred spirit !
Sorry Kelli that’s Really creepy!! And the OW doesn’t think this is weird… Your ex has some major issues
No words can suffice how f@?! Up that is
I needed this today. Thank you.
Monsters are real, they walk and live amongst us.
Interesting. I actually got to tell mine he was a ‘monster’.
It didn’t feel like I thought it would. He didn’t disagree ~
just the same blank stare with the cold shark eyes staring
back at me.
And as someone said, the pain is unbelievable that I could
be kicked to the curb like a bag of trash after 30 years of
friendship and 18 years of marriage.
Who are these people? Now that’s the real question, huh.
Jodi…..agreed! Who are these ‘people’. I guess that’s what we’re calling them these days. I prefer to call mine Lucifer.
+1
+2. Monsters are not under our beds, they’re in it right next to us.
That it is so true and lying to us every second as they sleep with the OW.
There was nothing comparable to the pain of being erased as if I never existed. No questions; no answers. Just sadustic statements.
And true to his nature he blamed no contact on her. That was it after 41 years together. A coward, yes. Sociopath better describes a person with this ability.
38 years here. He’s just a dick; wonder how long it’ll take Mrs. #3 to suss out that she’s not special – she just had something he wanted. And it isn’t even THAT something – she sold her house and bought him one with his “dream garage.” She’s 8 years older than his 64, 13 years older than I, and he’s just an asshole.
Hugs Doingme. I have such admiration for chumps who get left with 20, 30, 40 years in. Ex left me after 10 years married (together 15). And like CL says, this isn’t the pain Olympics but you guys are my heros. Pillars of strength. Blessings!
Total 100% champions.
Start
And my admiration goes to every single chump who dumps a cheater regardless of the #of years. I salute moms and dads with children at home who despite the challenges, leave the cheater.
It takes a short time to bond with the disordered and a long time for us to see them. We go through the same process regardless.
IHaveHate
Finding the strength is so important after the blameshifting, gaslighting, and cognitive dissonance. For years I was alone without just one person to validate the pain I repeatedly experienced.
It gives me such joy to know we strengthen each other, find real hope, and get to live authentically regardless of age.
Love you guys!
Love you back!
Doingme…..exactly what Start says! The over 20 years really are pillars of strength! Every time I think about my stinkin’ 10 years and feel bad, that’s when the over 20 year folks pop up. That’s where I draw my strength from. If they are ok…..I have no excuse!
I think everyone thinks the ‘other side’ would have been easier, and I am no exception! I would have absolutely loved for him to have just left the house and never came back. At least then it would have been crystal clear what was going on.
We are still in the midst of crazy town. Getting the divorce papers signed as he continues to swear he is going to ‘win me back’ and is completely dedicated to being a ‘new man, a better man’. This is now 11 months past d-day and the only thing he has been completely consistent with is getting the divorce papers drawn up. Every other promise and commitment to ‘do better’ with even little things, like helping more around the house, has been less than stellar.
But, his rousing renditions of remorse and pages and pages of promises kept the mindfuck going and going and kept putting guilt on me for wanting to save myself from it all. The kindest, most gentle thing he could have done was walked out the front door and never looked back.
I also realize that if he did that, I would still be angry and wanting ‘answers’, the same answers I haven’t gotten to my satisfaction with him being here.
Actually, hearing other people’s stories make me feel like I didn’t have it so bad.
Those few months between ILYBINILWY, D-Day and separation were torture, but it was only a few months. If we had reconciled or drawn it out, like some of the rest of you, that would have been worse. If this had happened while I was pregnant, that would have been worse. If his AP were pregnant, that would be worse. If there were violence involved, that would be worse.
There were times last year when I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again. But I’m thankful that it only lasted a few months. It was a few horrible, long and dreadful months, but at least it was only a few months.
Coolbreezeout; If you have only wasted 11 months on this stage you are doing great.
Many if us wasted years on this stage!
You are mighty!
True we probably think another way would be less painful, mostly because they are all so painful and have their own special set of unfair circumstances and deep unrelenting mindfuckery.
I agree, both options suck. I technically lived through both with the same cheater.
2006: He is treating me, the kids, the new puppy, poorly. For months. Things blow up one week in November and I ask him to leave and spend the night at a hotel. He comes back, we patch things up a few days before he leaves for a conference in Mexico. Calls me from the conference to ask for a divorce (yup, 16 years together and I get a PHONE CALL). It took me 8 more years to find out that gradwhore was in the room with him listening to the conversation. I am so angry that he treated me like crap for months, nay, years (sporadically), that I am shell-shocked, but very ready for a divorce. By the time he returns and asks to see if “there is anything left between us,” I have adjusted to the shock enough to say, “No, I’m already partly over you, let’s move on.” Within a week, I have adjusted to the full discard enough to feel somewhat relieved to be without him. [I alter that strategy when a friend, wrongly, convinces me I need to stay for the kids.]
H and I patch things up, and I live through 8 more years of devalue/love bombing/devalue as he continues to cheat behind my back. 2014, I find out about gradwhore and tell him we are over. He gaslights, “just some kissing,” blah blah blah, and hangs around in the house for another month with cycle of faux remorse/blameshifting/mental torture. I ask him to leave; one more month of mental torture and trying to obtain cake while blaming me for his cheating & I finally file.
Judgment? The cold discard was/would have been easier. Those 2 months in 2014 of extended mindfuckery [y’all can read his texts and emails verbatim when I finish the novel ; ) ] were nothing short of HELL. At least he gave me a quick divorce after that (because he’d convinced his last AP to leave her husband to be with him, and he wanted to buy a new house for the two of them and her two children to move into. Had to have a clean financial slate for that).
I feel sorry for those of you whose cheaters drag out the divorce for lengthy periods of time. It really is a form of torture.
WOW Tempest, mine moved out the first time in June 2006. We got back together in 2007, moved back in 2008, last year in September we came back from a long weekend with friends , I come home Friday evening, a beer for him, a glass of wine for me on the balcony. And then he tells me he doesn’t see me as a woman anymore, he is not happy blah blah blah, no one to blame, he says. I asked who is she this time. Then he literally ran out of the house. Next day he picked up all of his clothes, and then no more contact. He moved right in with her. Except for when I chased him down and acted a bit crazy . And then he tried to blackmail me. Only lately have I smartened up.Nothing to do with me. As a matter of fact, he did exactly the same when he met me. Except I did not know he was still married to no 3. What a piece of shit. The eternal victim, never his fault. Fuck him. The first six months I was devastated, now I am sad at times, and sometimes overwhelmed. But I am beginning to regain my self-worth. Unconsciously, I have rebuilt my strength over the past 8 years. Fuck him and the OW does not play a role for me anymore. I have nothing but contempt for him.
Will definitely read the book but just wondering, was the gradwhore from 2006 the same one in 2014? If so how pathetic.
He threw over gradwhore a week after the “divorce” call to “come back to the marriage,” in his words.
She remained out of the picture, but 8 years later, a former colleague of Hannibal’s made a sexual harassment complaint about the affair with gradwhore (because she ended up leaving the program because of the end of her relationship with him). I found Hannibal’s notes in his briefcase preparing for the sexual harassment hearing, and divorced him on the basis of that affair from 8 years earlier (and also because I’d come around to the view that he sucked). After the divorce was final, found out he’d been a serial cheater for all of those 8 years, and probably since month 3 of the marriage.
Whatever you know about with certainty, multiply by 10. There’s hardly ever just one indiscretion, I suspect.
And for those in the throes of the pain of discard or divorce, there will come a time when you do a happy dance every morning upon awakening, that you’re not still with the cheater.
And yes, I did feel stupid that I didn’t catch on about his affair for 8 years. But as a friend said, “If someone smart wants to deceive you, they will.”
So glad you got away from that shitberg.
You are right about the x10. After a while, I stopped wondering. A big part of Trusting they Suck.
Rock on, Lady T!
Agree with Dixie that both options totally blow. He is showing you who he is though – and he sucks.
There is really no good way to experience this loss … both options totally blow. ?
Yes, my husband of 30 years just walked off with a shrug. Getting kicked to the curb didn’t cost him any sleep or loss of appetite. It was a pretty amazing thing to observe. He wanted to know if he could use the hose to wash his car one last time before he drove off. Unreal. I suppose it made things logistically easier. But the lack of drama was also a real kick in the gut. Thirty years and I meant absolutely nothing to him. Absolutely nothing. Yes … that really hurts.
Same here. 30 years meant absolutely nothing to her. Just went on to her latest AP. It really hurt like Hell.
Me too, 30 years together and he literally ran up the garden path, grinning and waving. He was off to his ‘new life’ and left me and the kids standing in his dust.
Yes can remember the inane look on his face when he literally sped off down the street after he ‘ransacked ‘ the house for stuff to furnish his new apartment. He even took the beer out of the fridge ….no boundaries. …no moral code to stop him acting totally inappropriately. He even got the kids to help him load the trailer… they had only heard he was dumping us 5 days prior and they were late teens /20s with NO CLUE stuff was going wrong …just like chumpy me. These people are fully living on their own planet .
I heard the water running out front one morning, looked out to see X washing his truck.
Never said a word to me or came inside. I assume he had a date that night and needed his truck washed??
It’s sad, but I’m thankful for the time I spent in reconciliation with ex. It was the time that allowed me to see him for who he really was. Not Mr. Wonderful Good Guy, but the lying cheating whoremonger he actually is. I saw the whore for who she actually is. Not a glamorous sophisticated single woman like she thinks she is, but an over the hill desperate whore. I saw the True Love Fairytale for what it actually was. A giant pile of dreck.
The ex was a “Confessor” so maybe his intention was to actually leave but I doubt it because he never did and I had to (finally) do the leaving. I think he was just fishing for cake. I don’t think cheaters suffer that much during reconciliation, personally. They complain but he loved having my complete undivided attention, my “jealousy”, a reason he couldn’t have an Honest relationship with the whore.
In my limited experience, ‘Confessors’ typically leave out mountains of details. Their fucked-upness and shitty behavior runs much deeper than what they let on. It’s less of a heartfelt confession for harming and more of a strategic move to minimize and/or maintain control.
Be grateful he’s gone.
“Confessors” also take the entire nasty burden and put it squarely on the shouldres of their partners.
Whatever guilt or disgust they can muster for themselves gets transferred – and POOF they’re on the way to healing.
They confess for themselves – not for any ethical reason. Just like those who get caught. It’s not that they feel badly for thie affair – they just feel badly about being caught.
Assholes.
Yep, and as Mr Fab did, the confession only fits the evidence you DO have. Mr Fab confessed to a six month affair because that was all the FB evidence I had. Kiddo found out (he loaned her an old phone) that he had been acrewing out SIL for four years. Photos and all.
So further to Tempest’s comment about it usually being 10x worse than they confess to, that is some hard evidence.
He’s probably been screwing her all along. She and his bro broke up when Kiddo’s cousin was 2, and Kiddo was on the way. Makes me wonder if those cousins are half sisters. No sense speculating, it is delicious to be Meh about that part of it. Took a lot of time.
They do try to control the narrative, but you get to control you.
Yep. The “Confessors” just try to get control of the narrative. They’re worried they will be exposed and so they try to head it off at the pass without too much detail.
Oh, I’m grateful. Make no mistake about that.
Discarding hurts so bad. I think that these guys must have friends or go somewhere on the internet to really screw you over well. That’s the strange thing about marriage is trust. That’s the basis of marriage. Without it it really doesn’t flow well.
Many times I thought I was being screwed over but to hear his explanation I was wronge till I wasn’t. He was just relieved to start the divorce with his lawyer from the corporation he worked for specialist in long term marriage divorce. All the engineers used him.
That freed up his time to see our neighbors-his girlfriends. He always made the big effort to really dress up and walk over to each of their houses in front of me. I was horrified at first but then I realized I liked the time of being alone with my daughters. I DID’NT MISS HIM..so that’s how I knew I would be fine in time.
He is still working his charms on all now. Someone showed me a picture of current girlfriend, a nice looking woman but in the picture is the neighbor he sleeps with and her husband is in the picture also. I feel for her and wish I could tell her what’s going on but I would stir up lots of trouble for the xh is truly mean now and doesn’t hold back on me. It’s so screwed up that the husband knows my X sleeps with his wife. All in the name of money.
I never realized when we moved and built our dream home on a large track of land that the women were looking at my husbands wallet. We dined with them so they knew we had small children and married. They were as bad as XH.
I’m so glad I’m out of that marriage and I found that text. Living a simple but honest life now and that’s better than all the days of listening to a liar gaslighting you. They are not worth it.
I really believe that a big part of the problem is that both the Cheater and the Cheater Affair Partner believe they are entitled to everything and you are entitled to nothing. It makes no difference that you worked, or had property and possessions before your relationship began, or all thru the marriage. No, they get everything because you don’t deserve anything — especially any respect or civility.
What becomes crystal clear when you look at these relationships is that the Cheater could not get away with the cheating without the help and assistance of the Affair Partner. It really does take two to do the Dysfunctional Tango. I know there are unwitting affair partner’s that start out thinking the Cheater is single — but when the truth is discovered, AT THAT MOMENT, they need to have the character to send the cheater packing, to walk away from the disaster, and if possible to let the spouse know the truth. If they go down the “I’m special and cheater would never do that to me, cheater is special, our twu luv is special, and all that will make up for any pain we cause others” path, they are doomed. No mercy is extended.
If illicit love is not glamorized and instead is openly condemned by our social structure, it won’t stop the cheating, but it will sure drive the activity underground. Don’t buy into the cover stories. The post yesterday about the spectacular cheating of the governor of Alabama and his married cheating partner and her cooperative spouse illustrates that these people have no shame or empathy for others. I don’t like it either, but these monsters walk among us, and as long as there are willing affair partners there will be active cheaters. Whether they draw out the pain with pretend remorse, or coldly turn on their heel and abandon, the devastation they leave behind is painful and humiliating. I don’t know why we are ashamed because we are capable of love, and giving, and sharing — and just had the misfortune to be conned. Maybe those who victim blame have just been lucky enough not to have been conned themselves? Any way it happens — it hurts.
Beautifully written!! Fuck a relationship like that. Yes, we all get jealous at times, but we do have the secret advantage of knowing how the cheater is intimately. Knowing the tactics and manipulation. The new, entitled, affair partner gets the double chump punch eventually. That they get manipulated, controlled, and devalued, and they *willingly signed up for it!!* It must be devastating when that finally clicks, even if they do manage to hold on tight to that relationship out of pride for their public image. No one is special to a cheater, even a fellow cheater!!
I feel like I have a combination cheater. Dday 1 in 2014, dday 2 13 months later. I picked me dance in between, read, wrote letters, you name it. A month after dday 2 he left. No one in the family has seen or heard his voice since. He sporadically texts his mom. Made no effort with DS who wants nothing to do with him. I’ve heard he no longer speaks to his few friends, he saw a friend of my parents and just turned and walked away without a word, he’s dying his hair and dressing differently. Still with MOW who’s now divorced. My divorce is taking forever at 16 months now. I sporadically need contact for business reasons and he acts all accommodating or I subtly get blamed for things. I felt like a piece of lint he just flicked off his pants after 24 years.
Our stories are similar in that not only did he abandon his family, he changed his relationships with friends and his own parents and brother. With his immediate parents, he dictates contact, etc and his poor brother….I have no idea why Ex pushed his brother away. Cheater took OW with him to meet his family last summer and never spent any time with his brother. They used to golf every trip we took there, not any more. I’m sure OW would not allow that.
One thing for sure, Cheater does not look better. He looks worse for wear. OW keeps him busy I think. She needs money for candy-making ingredients.
I think perhaps his brother is setting healthy boundaries…. Who in their right mind pursues a relationship with zombies anyway? After my experience I no longer spend time with my toxic sister, she too cheated on her faithful supportive husband. While horrified at my situation, she has no clue how similar and hurtful her actions were.
The ex BF that dumped me for his ex-girlfriend that dumped him previously disappeared on me. Well, he was dating her behind my back while trying pyschologically to drive me away. I found out via FB. Called him. Told him he was a pathetic loser and that he should fuck of.
Eventually I came to the realization that I loved him. He did not love me. He did send me a letter that was all about him. How what he did was everyone’s fault, mother, father, sister, kitchen sink…. blah blah blah… It was a long long long letter full of his sad life and how he is a sad sausage. What was glaringly missing was the word “sorry”. Not once.
Anywho, eventually he married the “red headed whore” on the four of July (weird) and is still living the deluded life where he continue to pull the “I’m a nice guy” routine. He’s not. She is so oblivious to his real charater which after 2 years of marriage is starting to come out again.
My thought, bullet dodged. He is the red head problem now and best of luck. You’re fucking need it.
As for him, he can fuck off.
I got at the end of a very long email about how much of a sad sausage he was, but how the AF partner helped him embody “his most vibrant self.”
Thanks (and sorry again).
NAME.
UMMMMM. After 6 years? Living together? hahahah they are aliens.
I got, “I’m sorry you got hurt”. That is NOT an apology either.
Yep got those exact words also.
Followed by you must understand the part you played in my cheating and we can’t live together and you don’t know how to communicate. Yes I do, fuck off!
After 28 years, the most my STBX could come up with was an offer too easy to refuse – “continue as is” aka I dote on him, he dotes on his OW (plural). He left and I am moving on. I do trust that he sucks!
Getting ghosted by my husband of 25 years was by far the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. The pain was so excruciating, I can’t believe I survived it. There I times that I just want to know “why”…… what made him so unhappy that he totally ran away from his life? He took NOTHING. The good part for me is that I never had to share my son with him after that. Seven years later and he has not participated in my son’s life in any way. And he’s too stupid to know what a wonderful experience he missed.. watching DS grow into an amazing young man !
What a tool, my mind just boogles what do these wing nuts think is better out there in the world for them. I hope on his death bad he is freaking out with regret at his shitful life choices.
So agree Lady B. But I don’t have much hope for his having regret. I have had many well meaning friends and family tell me some day he is going to wake up and regret what he has done and my automatic reply is I hope so. I believe, however, he is so disordered, he will never feel that.
And geek mom, the monkey swinging in the tree analogy is right on. I told my stbx right before he left that he was a chicken. If things really were so bad, why couldn’t he just leave on his own instead of all the cheating. He didn’t have an argument and even sort of agreed
Not my monkey anymore. Does the circus ever end?
Cowards, all of them!
Incomprehensible, and disturbing, to completely disconnect and walk away from a 25 year relationship without remorse. Blaming me for the end of our marriage, slandering my name with lies and false accusations. Parental alienation, using our son in his relentless crusade to punish me.
I found out later he had already moved on with AP before he left, which makes his lack of remorse or guilt even more disgusting (looking back I should have known).
Clearly a sociopath.
What is the slander campaign all about ?? I found out my fucktard had been branding me a spender a nag and that he was a long suffering under the thumb sad excuse for a husband. TO HIS WORK COLLEAGUES for actually years so when he did fuck off everyone felt sorry for him cos he was apparently suicidal at the end so the narrative matched his story. Meanwhile his unwitting family just thought we were one big happy family that litterally just got him a garden swing seat for FATHER’S DAY present ….later father of the year chucked it in a skip when the house was force sold. All heart
Bastard.