So, What Are You Taking Back?
One of the gifts that keeps on giving after you’ve been chumped are triggers. Now, I know the word “trigger” has become freighted lately as the buzzword of snowflakes everywhere. But as anyone who’s ever discovered a knife in their back knows, betrayal reverberates. Things that used to be ordinary — Valentines, phone chargers, roses — become sources of nausea, anxiety, and panicky dread.
It’s been eons since I was in a sucktacular marriage to a cheater, but certain things still irrationally carry bad associations: Pittsburgh, the entire state of West Virginia, bluegrass music, and BMW motorcycles. I’d like to not hate Pittsburgh on principle, but if that ick factor doesn’t go away, I’ll live. Whoever you are, if you drive a BMW motorcycle, you are a douchebag. But some things I refuse to cede to that One Lousy Blip in My Life’s Story. Paris? Fuck you, neural networks, we are rewiring for Paris.
(You can read about how I took Paris back last year here.)
Do you have a Super Fund clean-up site of cheater places? What’s on your take back list?
TGIF!
I am taking back my happy. The happy I had when I was young and free before cheater threw a boulder on top of me. I have crawled out from under that rock and am learning to live free of strife and worry. TO JUST BE HAPPY and thankful for the life I have been given.
Hugs to all the newbies and know there is another side and you CAN get there in time.
Yes
Narkles the Clown used to constantly say “what are you do happy about?”
It’s so nice to not hear that anymore. I’m a fairly happy person. (These days count me ecstatic!) Three months after everything was final I made a list of how my life had changed. At the top of my list it says: “no more hiding my smiles.”
Maybe Narkles had to ask because he wasn’t happy.
Yes! Just getting my happy back!
My trigger is my birthday. My STBX decided he would send me divorce papers on my birthday. Also, any time I see a pool table. He loved to go play pool with skank cousin. The sad part is I can go along time and not think of the cheating pugs. Then I hear a song or see something on TV and it all comes back. My birthday is in August so this month was very hard for me.
Wow. My new trigger is my birthday. I just found out my cheater is celebrating his one year anniversary with schmoopie on my birthday. This divorce can’t come soon enough.
My birthday sucks too, for a similar reason. My cheater began his 7 year affair on my 40th birthday. He went “shopping” for a quick hook up with a stranger, and — surprise! — found his soulmate.????
My trigger is also my birthday, my truck driver H was talking to his “sweetie” at 4:30 an and finally thought of me late in the adternoon (after she reminded him ir was my bday). Other trigger is Ohio ..where sweetie is from… H likes to disappear in Ohio (haha). But he has never met her only talked to her on the phone for iver two years.
When my sister and I were kids, my mom celebrated our regular and our half birthdays. Since LadyLiar ruined my 50th birthday, I took it back by celebrating on the 50 1/2 date.
I can relate. My last partner took me out for dinner on my 50th, then took me to bed. I told him, ‘I love you,’ (I thought that I had known him for nearly 30 years at that point.) After a long pause, all he said was, ‘Happy birthday.’ That was also the year that I got inducted into AARP. That especially hurts as my last partner, who is a few years younger than me had his eyes open for women who were much younger than me. (The work subordinate for whom he left me, looks early thirties although she’s in her mid-forties. She’s child-free and earns $$$ in their profession.) I hate birthdays now.
Hi, my cheater exploded my family with my cousin as well….. triggers do go away, esp. if you decide to move on a leave the cheater behind
It gets better.
My birthday was also my D-Day. Such a nightmare! I thought it would be ruined forever.
I recently passed three years from D-Day and for the first time in decades I look forward to my birthday. After the divorce I got down to business and worked on me and my picker. I found a lovely human who is not disordered to enjoy my life with, a person who understands what it means to buy a thoughtful gift.
It now see my D-Day as a true gift, removing the disorder from my life. I hope someday you can see your situation as the same.
It is a gift! For the first two years, I drank champagne on my D-dayaversary to celebrate the launching day for my freedom from a toxic fuckwit. By the third day, I couldn’t even be bothered to celebrate as I now take freedom-from-fuckwittery as a given. meh.
((CuzChump)), I know that pain. XH served me divorce papers the day before my birthday as I was literally leaving the house for a trip to Hong Kong and Australia. I thought the server was the airport driver. I learned that XH paid a process server $125 for “Emergency Service”. I was only going for 12 days. What’s worse, I had just handed XH a “Waiver of Service” that he insisted I sign before I left. Message from him and Schmoopie was undeniable: “Unhappy Birthday (The Smith’s song reference) and Bon Fucking Voyage!” Lovely message after 17 years of marriage, huh?
I still take a trip to Hong Kong every other birthday. He will never ruin that trip for me nor my birthday. Five years out this past weekend and my birthday is now even more special as I’ve haven’t seen cheater since that day! Hang in there, you’re not alone.
Mine sued me for full custody of the kids. Our court date: on our youngest’s birthday, December 8. That day sucks!
I am with you on this one, I spent my Birthday in Emergency with injuries from him, his sister and BIL attacking me the night before. I still shake on my Birthday 3 years later. I think it is TIME I take this date back in celebration of Me and my wonderful boys!!
I know they love to ruin special dates, it is just one of the number of things that SUCK about them.
TheBestMe–take back your birthday in style this year! Throw yourself a party, buy yourself a cake and flowers and deliver a big FU to cheater and his band of mobsters. Hugs.
So sorry you went through that, TheBest. Cheaters who hit/abuse are like a rotten cherry on the sundae of suckage. What a bastard. Hugs to you, hope you experience complete healing in body and soul!
I feel you Cuz. My ex narc romantically whisked me away to elope on my birthday. So yes in true narc fashion he had to make my birthday about him too. I would joke about how he did it on purpose so as not to forget our anniversary. Maybe there is some truth to that. I don’t know. So my birthday has sucked for the last two years. But the universe has a way of righting wrongs. Through no deliberate intention on my part he was served divorce papers on his birthday. So at least I have that.
I love it I served my loser cheater at work, lol he went ballistic my daughter told me! He had a restraining order at our family home protecting his new whore. Now I just found out he’s been defrauding a major Canadian bank and they are after him!????????????????????????
lol! What a dick!
Hang in there – and happy birthday. FWIW, Narcs and the disordered in general choose holidays/birthdays etc. on purpose… that is how fucked up they are… they have to have all the attention and love ruining it for others.
Take back your birthday… get a massage, buy a special piece of jewelry, enjoy a favorite cocktail with a friend… make it yours again and LAUGH about how desperate your fuckwit was/is in trying to take that day from you. You’ve got this.
Very true that narcs love to purposely ruin birthdays & special times— mine filed for divorce (and then emailed me and my friends to let me know he thought it was All My Fault) on Friday afternoon of my 40th birthday weekend. This was a mere 7 weeks after tricking me into a cross-country move, to a place where I had zero friends. Our youngest child was an infant. What an asshole!
Ha on my first birthday after my divorce I received six emails from narc requesting my bank account in order for me to receive the already late child support. As if. My responses. No. No. No send a check like everyone else. no. Talk to my lawyer. No. The next birthday my gift was not hearing from narc ex. They do try to ruin your special days!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
(See that’s me rewiring your birthday.)
Your ex is a total asshole. But, you know divorce papers from an asshole are a gift. You lost a loser. Which, IMO, is cause for celebration.
My ex-husband actually commited his 1st sexual encounter with his wh*re on my birthday last year. But he’d been searching & chatting/ texting for the year previously. I also found out thru his ipad (hes stupid, imessage gave me everything) around our 5yr wedding anniversary/ my moms birthday.
I dont know how to feel better about bdays at all now.
Yup. Honestly, that was the best present he could give you.
Aw sorry Cuz. Next birthday it Will get easier. And you may even have a little fun. ????
Taking back music!
Over 2 years since dday. I realized last week, I am finally getting to meh in the music department. Fuckwit introduced me to country music and we had listened to a lot of it for the last 30 years but after dday, oh no, couldn’t take it. According to my dd country music is trending with her age group right now and so she will put it on when she is driving and I realized I am not asking her to change it and that it is OK to listen now.
Another upside is the last 2 years exposed me to a lot of other music genres and I now feel more well rounded. I don’t think the country station will ever be first choice again, though.
I always liked Bryan Adams and “the summer of 69” was a favorite but it had strong fuckwit attachments and on Tuesday, it was playing on the car radio and while I did think of fuckwit, it didn’t phase me a bit and I sang right along.
Feelingit,
Thank you for the smile.
I am picturing you, driving along listening to the music, even singing along.
Wait, look, is that a spec of dirt in the rear view mirror? Nope, it is nothing, nothing, long time gone now, not even a spec in your rear view mirror. Fuckwit, gone.
( well, I know he is still a pesky piece of manure, but, you don’t have to tolerate him in your sight.
My Lord, sweet Lady, YOU are so Mighty!
Ride on, sing on!
There are bumps in your road ahead, but together, you and your kids, have got this!
YOU have come so far, and I, for one, am sooooo proud of YOU!
Thanks Peacekeeper, I love you!
(I find CL is sort of a decompress place. Often, when I complete a task that I have dreaded- eg calling about insurance, paying bills, I come here as sort of a reward for doing the unpleasant). I hope that it will be needed less in time and I will cope better.
I thought of another thing I want to take back and hope to start today- meal planning. Fuckwit, of course would never give me credit but I was a good meal planner. I would go to cook books and magazines and meal plan each week. I was regularly trying new recipes and we rarely ate out. Even on vacations, we often rented places with kitchens and I would meal plan and cook. It was a true luxury to stay in a hotel and eat out because we hardly ever did that.
One of Fuckwit’s hate journal entries was a complaint that I didn’t cook dinner or have a meal plan one Saturday and I was busy working on organizing for homeschool so he had to go to the grocery store, buy stuff to make fajitas and cook the dinner (which he noted was excellent- fuck him). What about the 50 other Saturdays and hundreds of other days that I cooked?
Once, someone asked my then 14 yo daughter what her favorite restaurant was and after thinking, she replied, “I don’t know, we don’t eat out that much”.
We were a family of 7 with kids in all kinds of sports and activities. Based upon my casual surveys, we were a rarity and this included other families with stay at home moms and fewer children. Sorry if steam is coming out of your computer right now.
So anyway, after Day, as part of the pick me dance, family meals continued for me and the kids but when the pick me dance ended, the meals changed. I took the self care advice and take out and convenience food became the norm. I just couldn’t keep up the pace and the planning and cooking reminded me of fuckwit and trying ever so hard to please him.
So now, I am missing the good food and wanting my children to have home cooked meals once again. They are all either away or in school now so I am going to start cooking regularly again for our health benefit and for saving $$$. I hope new memories and feeling will prevail.
I totally get this!!! I used to can and freeze and bake and make so many meals!! I homeschool too. After final d day I didnt cook for 6 months. I realized i canned a while years worth of chili sauce while he was with the OW. It took me a year to be back to cooking somewhat normal. Didn’t open my family recipe binder for a year and a half. So many memories around food. So now I am taking back the recipes. For my kids. When I make stuff they are like…yum!! Haven’t had this for so long!! So many memories! I may take back canning too, but single mom stuff is pretty busy right now.
Wrote my personal training exam tonight!! We met in a gym…so…Taking that back too!!
I love this. Cause songs are always a reminder and to Not think of assface – that’s not easy. Way to go
Whenever I see street performers, I think “ugh get a job” and feel angry thinking “you’ve probably got kids, and you’re out here doing this and you should be responsible!”
Stupid street performers
????
I am a year out from first DDay and he just ghosted me 2 weeks ago after a year of hovering and leading me on….right now Marriott Hotels, Nissan Armada (Whore drives one), Colorado (their first business fuck fest), and a certain area by me that they liked to frequent. I guess I am too far from MEH and it sucks….
Ha, @28yearchump, similarities between us! I am also a year out from DDay1 of 2 and although it is getting better day by day, I will be taking back the following things…
-Certain Hotel Chains (DoubleTree in particular)
-Silver Mercedes (Whore drove one)
-Areas of Southern California (He had her flown out to meet him while on business)
also one year from DDay#2 – this site has been my savior and strength reading it each day to learn from each of you. THANK YOU!!! I am grateful as I continue to accept this new reality and learn to manage it appropriately.
triggers also similar,
Hilton hotels
Disney
Tampa
lt blue minivans
– many more…
Affair with neighbor continues and community and God to witness it all – very sad
I just had this conversation with someone the other day when i walked past a jazz place Xhole (stole that from a fellow chump here) and I had been to. I wanted to go back there and so many other places and make new memories. I’m not gonna stay away from places just cause he and I went there. Just the opposite. Next time I walk past a Buffalo Wild Wings – I’m going in and getting me some Mango Habanero wings and not give a shit how that was a place “we” loved. It’s a place I love.
The lovely town where ex worked and we got married. It has a fantastic literature festival (Jonathan Franzen was at one edition, among others). I used to plead with sparkledick to go to one edition and have a second honeymoon. He always reacted with disgust. Now I understand why: he was super “busy”.
Forty years creates a huge list of triggers. I leave mine at this.
Clearwater you are so right. My 45 yr marriage imploded almost two years ago. Many triggers but I choose for them to remind me how lucky I am to know the truth about the idiot I was married to. My birthday was this month and he actually sent me a selfie of himself with Happy birthday written and sent on the wrong day. I had a good laugh. So glad I am free of the pathetic creep. Living the dream now!
COFox
Mine sent me a birthday message on the wrong day, too!
We had been married for 27 years and he still confused my birthday and his nephews’ birthday (2 days apart).
It was a handy confirmation that he sucked: either he hadn’t managed to recall my actual birthday after 28 years together (selfish narc twit) or he was a spiteful twit deliberately trying to mess with me. Either way, it just made me more glad I had left him.
Social clubs (ie VFW, Eagles etc) and bars. I have an ex-fiancé/cheater who would do the run every weekend and a lot of the contact was there for him. Hate the whole bar drinking scene.
Me too ????
Every single normal celebration and holiday where my Fucked Up Unicorn had some sort of crisis or meltdown so that we could suffer even half as much as he did.
Boy, did it ever puss him off when I pointed that pattern out to him and we all refused to hold his hand or not enjoy ourselves the way he wished.
Just last year we pounced on the “No tree or presents for Christmas!” announcement with relish. He was shocked that we were HAPPY.
It took so much pressure off of us. Him? Not so much. He sulked when it was obvious we were having fun without the trappings.
But I’m the heathen (atheist) who is going to hell and he’s the Christian who is all worried about the afterlife and where We’ll end up. Hell was here, honey and it’s not so bad now that you’re getting yourself together.
LOL. Meh is wonderful. Even with FUU.
Why is it they have to ruin holidays? I LOVE Christmas and do all the decorating, baking, gingerbread village, buying and wrapping. I never asked for help. I didn’t care because I love doing that stuff. He just complained constantly. Couldn’t stand seeing me enjoy something…
Why they have to ruin holidays? Because it’s not all about them. Melanie Tonia Evans has Avery good video exactly on this topic! She explains it beautifully.
Yes, holidays. Seems like all us chumps did all the work. He told me I decorated the tree for me, not the kids. On the last Thanksgiving I hosted (approximately 22 relatives), everything was made by me and from scratch. The two tables were decorated beautifully. Exhausted, at the end of that day, he told me I do this because “I like to show off”. Last Christmas together, I saw that he spent 39 minutes on the phone with her (who knows how many texts), while I was preparing the family dinner. Will take me quite a while to feel the same about holidays again.
Don’t forget birthdays! He specializes in pissing all over birthdays. Even the kids’ birthdays to some degree. But mostly mine.
My sibling threw a wonderful *0th birthday for me and I attended without him (as per usual – it’s been 20+ years since he attended a family function on my side) and you know what? It was GREAT! I had a blast. Eldest kid drove in from out of town for it, friends, family – but no FuckedUp Unicorn to look long-faced.
He took me out for dinner the following weekend. I had made it clear to him that I was going to go enjoy my special *0th birthday party with my FOO and friends, we would do something the following week.
So he got to sulk a bit, I didn’t witness it and a good time was held by all. Hmm. Does it count as a sulk if no one is around to witness it? And no one gives a crap anyway? I will posit the answer is ‘No’.
I hope everyone here takes back the holidays, birthdays, music, places and memories from the fuckwits. Go Meh!
My take back list:
– Silver Hyundai Azera – car driven by local adult friend finder hookup
– Columbia old man shorts from Costco
– Sausage like fingers
– Reckless driving
– Total disregard for the truth
Hmm. I just realized I never had those things and I still don’t want them. Yay me!
THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGH! I have barely laughed, if at all, since October….
I’m sorry you’re suffering VH. It gets better. You’ll laugh again.
(((((((GiantHUGS)))) to you, VelvetHammer.
Yup every holiday was some kind of fucked up with my ex. He would pick fights. Refuse to go to my family’s. Get wildly drunk. The list goes on. Holidays are stressful as it is, so glad I don’t have him and his dysfunction around to screw it up.
Outlander books. I’ve been a huge fan forever. I read the entire book series, many times over, since discovering them in my late teens/early 20s. When the series was made into a television show my now ex-husband added the cable network to our package and watched with me. I was thrilled. We re-enacted all the sexy scenes, just for fun!
Later, when his secret affair partner revealed their affair (Christmas Morning of our planned gender reveal), she sent basically every text message they had ever exchanged (even though a couple would have sufficed to make her point and I begged her to stop). Obviously I was devastated by what I read. My spouse, my best friend was literally living a double life. And not only that, he was cheating on me with Outlander with her too! The duplicity! How unoriginal of them.
Initially, I found Outlander to be something I couldn’t stand to read or watch without feeling pain. Today, I am ready to take it back as my own. It is simply a book series I enjoyed reading in College.
Yep, porn star ruined Outlander for me too. It was one show out of two or three that we watched together. He had distance himself so much the past nine years… Get a isolated me and at the same time didn’t want to do anything with me. After discovery day, when he had no job, no company car, no money in two months after we got our chapter 13 discharge, he finally agreed to cut expenses. Starz ⭐️ was the only thing that got cut.
No wait…I cut Porn Star ⭐️ out 2 mths later when I kicked him to the curb!
I haven’t reclaimed Outlander yet. In fact, I haven’t reclaimed TV yet.
I am so sorry to hear this. My STBX didn’t ruin Outlander for me, thankfully. Jamie Fraser (NOT Sam Heughan in real life but the character) was as close as I got to an affair partner. I took A PICTURE of a TELEVISION SHOW CHARACTER off my phone so I wouldn’t hurt the feelings of a husband who unbeknownst to me was cheating on me WITH A LIVE HUMAN.
Jiminy Crack Mothereffen Christmas.
If I ever trust a man again, he will be like Jamie Fraser. And how I wish Craig Na Dun really existed….my daughter and I would have gone there the night I found out about the affair.
Again, my truly sincere condolences that he ruined Outlander.
Here’s a topic, Chump Lady!
Did Your Cheater Ruin Outlander?
Hannibal Lecher almost ruined Harry Potter for my oldest daughter (a huge HP fan). The two of them used to take turns reading Harry Potter to each other, and played a lengthy computer game of HP.
After the divorce, Hannibal invited oldest daughter to join him and AP/GF and her two kids at Universal Studios. Daughter declined, saying [to me], “ugh. at least save me Harry Potter.”
Nope. And I’m sure as shit not letting him ruin clan of the Cave bear either
This is weird as I discovered Outlander, the show, towards the end of my marriage. X and I watched it and enjoyed it. After he left I couldn’t watch it for more than a year, as it was one of the very few things we connected about in the last six months of marriage. I took it back too! I watched the show, and read almost all of the books. I am now reading Echo in the Bone (no spoilers).
OMG you guys. Add me to the list. I was married to a Scottish guy (dual citizen). We watched Outlander together toward the end of our marriage (ILYBINILWY had been declared, but I was pick-me dancing and the OW was just a suspicion at that point).
How could a man watch a beautiful romantic story about his beloved country and people and not feel the theme of loyalty? Not reconsider how beautiful marriage was? Nope. Narcissist. Went right over his head.
I refuse to let Scotland or Outlander be his, or trigger me. They are beautiful, and they are MINE. Ex is usually too damned cheap to visit Scotland anyway.
Haven’t heard of this, but I may need to get in on this Outlander thing…LOL
Oddly, Outlander is a huge trigger for me also! I loved the books as a teenager, and reread the series multiple times over. I met and married my romantic Scottish x, (also named Jamie), got engaged at Stonehenge, had a handfasting at our wedding, went to a yearly Scottish festival with our kids. And, I am a nurse! We loved the series together. And now it makes me sick to my stomach. So eff him…I am taking back Jamie Fraser!!!
How dare he ruin Outlander!??!
The nerve!
whoa.
I’ve never read or watched Outlander, but if you want some new memories with the sex scenes I would be willing to help you out 🙂
Please don’t be offended. Just trying to make you smile.
Joe-
The way you just responded (& I’ve read you doing it other times too) is one of me TRIGGERS! Sexual come-ons & then saying you are only kidding = icky!
Responding like that upsets me. You don’t even know her personally. It’s not at all a compliment or funny! My x did that on many sites trolling for whores. It’s thus very triggering!
Please save these kind of responses for dating or hook-up sites. This is supposed to be out safe place! Thank you.
???Is it just me who feels this way about those kind of comments being a trigger? Or, do other chumps on here feel the same???
RoseThorns-
I’m sorry this is a trigger and upsets you.
I think it’s a little different when a married man is making comments like this behind his wife’s back on dating sites trying to find a whore to cheat with. I’m a single man whose wife was cheating with a co-worker for 4 years. Maybe this is way for me to take back some of the issues I’ve been dealing with. I’m not sure when you’ve seen me comment like this before because I rarely comment on any post.
This is a safe place for everyone not just Woman.
Again, sorry this upset you.
Joe – you are correct, this is a safe place for everyone. Inviting a woman who has gone through the devastation of betrayal to reenact sex scenes with a STRANGER (you) makes no sense. Ask yourself if you would want such an invitation in her situation? Please be respectful of the pain we are all in. I am sure that Stalked, name changed (jeez, shouldn’t her screen name tell you something?) was not trolling for a “date” on this of all sites. If nothing else, can you at least be mindful that many of us have been in relationships where the betrayer was inappropriate with strangers and we suffered for it? And I am so sorry you were in the same situation. It hurts, it sucks, and we did not deserve it.
How dare indeed!!
Oh, hell no, you take that back!! I totally get it, though, when you thought you had your very own JAMMF and then you just don’t any longer. I haven’t read or watched any Outlander since my personal bomb detonated either.
Taking that back is on the “to-do list” for me, also.
Every single normal celebration and holiday where my Fucked Up Unicorn had some sort of crisis or meltdown so that we could suffer even half as much as he did.
Boy, did it ever piss him off when I pointed that pattern out to him.
Doubly so when we refused to hold his hand or not enjoy ourselves the way he wished.
Just last year we pounced on the “No tree or presents for Christmas!” announcement with relish. He was shocked that we were HAPPY.
It took so much pressure off of us. Him? Not so much. He sulked when it was obvious we were having fun without the trappings.
But I’m the heathen (atheist) who is going to hell and he’s the Christian who is all worried about the afterlife and where We’ll end up. Hell was here, honey and it’s not so bad now that you’re getting yourself together.
LOL. Meh is wonderful. Even with FUU.
Sorry about the double-posting. My phone and the building’s wi-fi weren’t getting along or something.
One of the family “things” in our house was to always buy a refrigerator magnet when we went to a new destination. Every family vacatio — South Dakota badlands, Disney, Ocean City MD, Prince Edward Island, San Diego — was memorialized in this way.
As our 10th anniversary approched, KK was beginning to show signs of what I now know is The Devalue. I cashed in some stock and took the bulk of the proceeds to plan a no-kids trip to a place I’d always wanted to visit (and which KK *said* she always wanted to see): New Orleans. She was fine when eating in landmark restaurants but appeared fairly miserable the rest of the time.
When the GAL recommendations came back and forced her to leave, she took every destination magnet with her, except one.
Someday I’ll reclaim The Big Easy for myself.
I’m in for the New Orleans trip! During the devalue & discard phase, before I found out he was having an affair, I suggested we go away for a long weekend to try and reconnect. I suggested New Orleans because it’s an easy direct flight from where we live, and I have always wanted to go back (only been there once). I also thought he would enjoy it. He coldly said, ” I have no interest in going to New Orleans. It’s dirty and disgusting.” And he had never even been there!
We had a favourite holiday spot. Must have been there 10 times. Pre kids, with kids, romantic weekends on our own…. I love it and didn’t want to find out he had been there with his love, so when I visited a friend who lives nearby we had a night there. I swam, had a beer and hot chips at the local surf club, bought a few things in the gorgeous designer shops, coffee from a favourite shop. So now I have laid down some new memories. Victory!
UXWorld. Omg. New Orleans. The first and last adult trip we took together. First trip because our little girl was too young to leave alone and go out adulting. Last because we came back from our huge planned adult family reunion trip, he went off to college a few days later fucked OW came home and abandoned his whole family for her in a matter of days. Of course we had bought ALL KINDS of family souvenirs—pretty masks for my sister and mother, decorations for our walls, shirts for the kids with New Orleans all over them. Family picture circulating from this epic vacation. Group family texts with jokes and memes from how much fun we had. I loved New Orleans and all it does is bring back so much pain…. maybe we can take back New Orleans together?!?! ???? And any other chumps that needs New Orleans off their “trigger” list.
I guess I should have bought that voodoo doll lol
Raising hand for New Orleans as well. About three years before D-day, I thought it would be nice to go somewhere budget friendly for a long weekend without the kids. I suggested New Orleans to XW since we live close enough for a relatively easy drive. Her response: “I have no desire to go to New Orleans” with those black shark eyes. That haunted me for the next few years because I had no context for that reaction. I now assume what she really meant was “I have no desire (for you, or to) go to New Orleans (with you)”. Meh. A weekend in NO is on my list to have a blast on my own .
Come to think of it, I think NO was the last trip I took with Judas. We flew down to buy a car and drove it home (I live in MN). This was after DDay and I was in the dancing stage. No triggers. I wouldn’t mind going to NO again.
NOLA was the site of last annual weeklong trip my ExH paid for with our marital funds for him and his married, closeted gay lover. When I was 8 months pregnant with our third child.
I prefer to think of Chump Lady’s positive New Orleans association, and hope to creat one of my own someday!
Cheating ex decided to tell me – and my entire family – at my daughter’s first birthday party. Such a stand-up guy, isn’t he?
My girl and I now go to the beach every year for her birthday weekend (Memorial Day). New memories, new happiness.
Ex actually dared to ask me if he could COME ALONG next year. His chutzpah knows NO bounds.
*Jaw drops*
That is astounding. Even for narcopath fuckwits.
I hope you got endless drinks and hugs that day. Maybe family members led him off somewhere he couldn’t be heard by the children and they ‘discussed’ his future.
After 38yrs of marriage I have triggers everywhere. I find though that with the passage of time (8yrs now) there is little pain, sadness or anger. … I was at yoga the other day, peaceful as and then they played guitar music… bummer … memories galore but they were pleasant ????.. go figure
I agree. The year after D-day was full of triggers. But by month 6th, I was making every effort to take back every.damn.thing Hannibal took from me–London, detective series, even the second language I was learning (as his final AP in the marriage was from that linguistic culture).
My decision was to say, “Fuck you, Hannibal, you don’t have ANY power over my life anymore.” So I exposed myself to every possible trigger (including introducing myself to one of his probable APs at a conference). He robbed me of years of my life, allowed me to give up a tenure-track position for him. He gets nothing else. Not even seeing him when he comes to pick up DD17 triggers me; I just shake my head and wonder how I tolerated him as long as I did.
I am right there with you Arlo, 30+ years/7 years out.
I have been visiting our old haunts and creating new happy memories. Taking these places back makes me feel good, I feel I am creating MY life forward.
I get triggered at Christmas time but less every year. I am feeling more normal, more “me” and less angry every year. It’s a process ????
My decision making, my spontaneity, onions ~ I could never cook with them, he gagged when he smelled onions!
My cooking ~ eating family favorites that he ran down or said tasted horrible because he grew up eating slop. To be fair, I called his slathering everything in white gloppy gravy ~ slop. No offense to anyone who enjoys white gravy… lol
My decorating ability ~ he always said what I wanted to do was stupid. It’s not. After Hurricane Harvey destroyed my home, I’ve got to redo it the way I want to ~ and decorate it in my style. Friends have told me it is beautiful, and you know what? It is.
I’m sure there will be more, it’s like dominoes falling down. Lol
what a horrible person. Decorating taste is such a personal and individual thing. What ego to think that if he doesn’t like something, it makes it objectively wrong and stupid. That’s not how personal opinion works!
Whether your home looks nice or not is a question only you can answer. Idiot narcissist.
My experience was that because Cold Slab O’Meat was so lazy, he even vetoed descriptions of things before they happened. I wanted white cabinets with stamped tin inlay doors, a Porcelain farmhouse sink and red toile tea curtains. I started collecting red small appliances (with my own money!) and he had a hissy fit when I bought a small red microwave.
Why did he fucking CARE? I did most of the cooking, cleaning, paying for everything. He got to choose the living room furniture, with its’ dead gray modern leather couch (which, OH BTW I PAID FOR TOO). All he had to worry about was if his mages in World of Warcraft had enough mage stuff. And buying huge flatscreen TVs. Which he only left one (the shittiest) after living rent free for two years.
My kitchen now looks exactly as I described. I did it all my self. And people lose their minds when they see it. I have a new couch. (RED) and a 65 inch swanky LED TV. He lives in a shitty apartment and the Sluterus keeps getting sued for collections.
Another thing I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to buy? A Dyson vacuum. We went through 3 cheapo ones instead. The first bonus I got after he left I bought one. Yesterday I cleaned it out and it still works like new 4 years on.
Cheaters lack imagination and vision. And avoid physical labor that doesn’t have immediate windfall to them.
The red microwave!! What an asshole!! Give it a big kiss from me!!
Way to go doing what you want with YOUR space!!
Lol @ warcraft part. He was mad bc his Milf wasnt letting him make big boy decisions. Poor him. Mine threw sulking fits over that kind if stuff too, even though he spent 90% of the time he was home in the garage on his phone w hookers. When I found out, he ran away and ghosted everyone/left everything. Clearly it didnt matter as much as his pathetic tantrums would suggest. Glad you got your makeover 🙂
Hooray for you! We should have an HGTV show of Chump Makeovers!
That is a fun idea ! I still live in The House of Wreckonciliation (moved out of The House of Hell where the worst abuse took place) but then he died and I continued (for good reasons) to live here.
My biggest accomplishments have been:
a total redo of his office (where he verbally ripped me a new ass anytime I tried to discuss stuff with him; where I found photos and gifts from Susan)…its fabulous with dusty jewel blue walls and linen drapes full 9 ft ceiling to floor and all furniture replaced with fabulous antiques.
ripped the master bath down to the studs in the wall and added space from a pointless dressing room that was next to it. Had plumbers install a shower head 7 ‘ high for my new H. Used a lovely British antique armoire in the room…used to be his XWs …trust me, its lovely.
Love that idea! That would be an awesome show! Give the chumps a budget and a massage and get Chump Lady and the guys from Queer Eye to cheer the chumps along! Even my ex couldn’t help but admit that my “redo” looked good after 19 years of listening to his decorating vetoes! One of the many ways my covert narc kept me off balance was by making me believe he was better than me at everything, so I usually deferred to his taste. His mind f***ery was so subtle or I was so stupid, I’ll never know which. But I love discovering color and texture and playing with objects in a way I was never free to before. Also music. Discordant Jazz is banned from my house (no offense to chumps who love jazz!). Now I can sing along to The Eagles if I’m in the mood and not feel ashamed!
Freakishly similar to my story. Great insight here.
My birthday is our wedding anniversary. Hey, now listen. My birthday was never a big to do growing up; it also happened to be a summer Saturday the year we were getting married.
3
This year on my birthday, I took the day off of work. My mom and I took my kids to an amazing indoor water park. We had a fantastic day.
I don’t have a lot of triggers anymore. I feel freed from pretending to enjoy shitty bands he liked, and enough time has passed that most triggers are meh. I don’t break down anymore in thrift stores when the Cure comes on Muzak.
We took back BOTH Disney World and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, the last disastrous vacation where he dictated everything, but was terribly distracted by his phone and was later found to have texted the Sluterus from every public toilet in the Magic Kingdom. We went back to both in separate trips. We did everything the way WE wanted. It was a great pain eraser.
I’m finally taking back having people over. He never wanted friends over. He didn’t have any friends. We’ve had friends over for dinners and lunches and small parties and it really helps me to stay social and keep the house chores up. The fact that I’ve gutted and remodeled all but one bathroom helps too!
The more I explore who I really am, the more I see he wasn’t even remotely the soulmate I thought.
He. Shall. Not. Ruin. Harry. Potter.
!!!
My daughter and I just returned from our first summer vacation as an Intact Family
(Just is two without him is an intact family as far as I am concerned). We went to Universal Studios as she requested (Disneyland would be a very big trigger as we have extensive family memories from zillions of trips there). I did spend four days being pistol-whipped by triggers (airport, plan ride, hotels trigger me). I had a panic attack for about five minutes in the hotel room. Our antidote was that we escaped into Harry Potter world. We bought our Hogwarts uniforms and magic wands and had the best time. So maybe my spell (Dean McDermottus!) worked!
Dobby said so! And so we destroyed all The Cheater Horcruxes!
????
“The more I explore who I really am, the more I see he wasn’t even remotely the soulmate I thought.”
***THIS! And a bag of chips!***
It’s because they are fake and we are real.
Yes yes yes
YUP. And he’ll keep switching out Lady Lego Pieces trying to fill the gaping gash in his sad empty soul.
Lady Lego pieces – that is a gem!
Glad he’s gone!
I’m taking back the Boston Red Sox and the Patriots. Since ex carried on part of his extracurricular affair with his former HS student in her dorm at Emerson (traveling from our current state to Boston over the Christmas holiday to be with her under the guise of spending time with his family) even taking her to some of the restaurants near Fenway that were “ours”. Prior to this last affair, we made a special trip home for the post season, and I was there for Manny’s walk off homer at the 2007 ALDS, I was in the stands behind featured people in the “Still we Believe” movie, and you can see me plain as day. We wore game day jerseys as our going away outfits at our wedding reception. After his last affair, I couldn’t stomach anything related to the Massachusetts or the city. I’m a Masshole transplanted to Georgia, so losing those touchstones of my home culture were very painful. It’s been 5+ years and just last week, I started reading box scores in the paper, watching highlights clips and I caught a little of the Pat’s pre-season game against Carilona without triggering.
Man I hate it when they ruin baseball! I am originally from Chelmsford so the Red Sox are my AL team and I have been in SF since 1975 so the Giants are my adopted NL team. A blessing of our life together is season tickets 12 rows behind home plate. The affair has been a major harsh on a source of joy for me….he hasn’t gone to any games this year and it’s been a season of being alone or with a friend at the ballpark. And I learned last baseball season was when the affair began…all those times we went to the game and I thought we were having fun and he had The Secret Double Life. My daughter practiced walking in the hallway behind Field Club….
I started a family tradition (which I am a sucker for) of going back to Concord every 4th of July
(Californians don’t do 4th of July as well..). In
2016 we had incredible box seats at Fenway….we could have pinched Big Papi….and last October, on my FIRST EVER solo trip since I became a mom in 2006, I chose a trip back to Concord to walk in the autumn woods for a week. That’s when the suspicion surfaced. I had a dream he was cheating and texted him in the middle of the night….”I think you are glad I am gone…I wonder if you love me and think you love someone else”…..the Sonoma fires were burning at home and little did I know my world was on burning down too. So so much gets slimed. It’s stunning how far and deep the affair slime goes…and what a huge job it is to get it off of you and every teeny little in your life that got slimed….
Definitely take back those teams, the restaurants and the state! They belong to you not him.
My sociopath ex liked to take me to the same restaurants he took all of his secrets skanks to dinner at. He’d get a weird look in his eye and seemed to enjoy whatever twisted joy that came from doing this. It’s all a game to cheaters and a mind-fuck to the OW/OM.
Take back your joy and let’s route for #12 together! Plus, it may be Brady’s last year. I will gladly take back those restaurants with you, too!
Let me and cheaterssuck know if/when you’re ever back in town — you two sound like kindred spirits.
(RPD teaches at Emerson — what is it about that place?…)
Hi UX,
No plans to go back for now. But I’ll be watching as much of the Sox as I can on local tv from here on out.
I don’t know what it is about Emerson, per se, but can you imagine a 40 year old high school counselor camping out in a dorm on Piano Row with a bunch of 17 and 18 year olds? Supah classy! Ex told me that one or 2 his OW’s dorm mates were trying to “seduce” profs there. I half way suspect he encouraged her to apply there so she would be just a short drive from his family, (particularly because in GA, a kid with good grades can get the HOPE scholarship and practically get a free ride to in state universities, so lots of incentive to stay here) but maybe I’m just a little paranoid.
Hi ddame. I’m also a MA transplant to GA: we moved to Atlanta from western Mass 3 years ago; XW hit me with ILYBINILWY about 8 weeks after arrival and she was gone 8 weeks later. My parents are up in Boston and I spend as much of the summer as possible up there. I’m still adjusting to the climate and culture down here; it’s like being in another country, isn’t it?
As to “seducing” profs: I’ve been teaching for 15 years and I’ve never gotten a whiff of it, just like I was married for 20 years and never had a married person hit on me. People can tell when you have firm boundaries and they treat you accordingly. It’s not a coincidence that your adulterous ex keeps stumbling across kindred adulterous spirits.
Now that the semester is ticking along I feel like it’s about time for another Atlanta chump meetup. If you’re interested post something in the Atlanta or North Ga. thread in the “Chump Meet-up” forum and we’ll figure something out.
My X didn’t bother to wait for students to seduce him; he took a proactive approach.
IA re. boundaries–and the lacktherof–in the academy. I’ve been teaching a similar length of time and have never perceived any interest from a student. STBX on the other hand….
It’s been seven years since I found out about the romantic cruise with his girlfriend before our 20th anniversary, which I was planning an amazing vacation for. I was always the one to book us fantastic vacations each year. I will never go on a cruise again, or back to the keys. (My X and I met in Key West and the cruise he and GF went on docked in Key West.)
He goes back to the same places I used to book for us, even tries to stay in the same cabins in the mountains with his new GF. It’s weird. I can’t go back to any of the places I went with him, which were places all over the world.
I still go on cool vacations, but to new places. I don’t go backwards, I only go forwards.
Narcs so often take their new narcissistic supply people to the exact same places they took their former narcissistic supply people. Creepy!
California, that’s what I’ll take back someday. We were on a nice 12 day family vacation that begin in LA with a drive up the coast line to San Francisco for the wedding of his army buddy. Then we joined them on their honeymoon in Tahoe. Heck we even stopped in Ojai California to talk to the admissions coordinator at Weil tennis academy for our then 10-year-old daughter to attend school there in eighth grade. The day after we got home to Illinois from our lovely family vacation, he told me he filed for divorce and been having an affair for six months. I’ll take back California and shove it down his throat by living happily ever after with my now 12-year-old daughter! Stay strong CN and shine on!
Call me when you get to San Francisco….I will help you reclaim it and get the cheater juju out of my city!!!
Whoa. Even after all we know about these defects it still boggles the mind the way they operate. Playing the perfect family person one day and the next day kapow!
Everywhere Asshat and i ever went was on my dime and since he was an unworldly jerk, most of the places we’d been were places down already seen with a few nearby spots in FL.
While I was in the middle of unknowingly being discarded during the first Xmas after my mom died, Asshat decided that while he wouldn’t see me or talk to me during the few weeks prior except by text, that we should spend Xmas together.
As desperate as I was to reclaim our old routine of being together and trying to normalize our relationship (which was never going to happen since he wasn’t already sleeping w a coworker, as I later learned), I told him I didn’t think spending Xmas together was a good idea.
Since I don’t have much close family and all of my other friends were busy with theirs, I dedided to get out of town, masochistically enough to a little beach town Asshat and I had discovered together. I had a long time ex boyfriend who was also a bit of an orphan for the holidays, so I invited him to join me. It was not a romantic endeavor. We have been friends for decades and we get along well.
While I didn’t invite my ex-BF as a slight to my ex — I just wanted friendly company and to not be alone on the holiday — when Asshat found out that I was spending the holiday in “our spot,” he was livid. I spent hours and burned hundreds of calories texting him trying to convince him that it was platonic and explaining why I had done it. He actually had me apologizing by the end of it because I believe that he actually viewed that spot as a special one for us.
Two years on, I laugh and laugh when I think about how that reversal of fortune and that withholding of cake must have gutted him to the core. Sometimes we’re doing the right thing even for ourselves even though we’re not consciously aware of. I reclaimed our special spot in my head and in his.
I was really trying to figure out what I ‘took back,’ and had a hard time thinking of anything until I read your post. I met a GUY 33 years ago at work. We were just friends… every few years he would ‘find’ me and we’d chat a little and be done for another few years. I didn’t feel right talking to him while I was married. After I divorced a piece of shit, I started conversing with my ‘guy’ friend more. He plays in a band and I try to check his band out every summer. We don’t talk daily – or even weekly – just every so often and it is usually about other bands playing and the gossip going on with them. There are no feelings between the two of us. He is married and happily married and I am happy for him. We’ve just known eachother for so long and have music still in common.
So after divorcing, I decided to take my friends back (not just guys). My focus was on a dumbass for so many years and because of that, didn’t do a whole lot with my friends. Now I talk to my best friend of 33 years daily (a different friend – this is a bff from hs and female). I make a point of doing more with my friends and chatting with them often.
I have a boyfriend and told him from the very beginning that I had a ‘guy’ friend who I have known forever. There is nothing between us and I ditched him 24 years ago and I’m not going to do that again. I think my bf understands and is ok with it. If he isn’t, that is just too bad….
^^^This!!! Taking back my friends!
It’s been so great getting back in touch and renewing friendships with old friends. I guess I never really realized how alienating X was during the last years of our marriage. Plus, there was always an element of my being afraid to even invite people over because of his hoarding and generally unfriendly nature. Now that the wet blanket of him is out of the picture, it’s like the sun has come out and friends are coming back.
Had interviewed twice at a recruiters office for what sounded like the perfect, very well paying job. Was invited to their offices to meet the staff. I really wanted that job. Unfortunately when I got to their offices, I found out they were next door to the seedy motel where I caught my husband with a prostitute two years ago. Theirs is the parking lot where I had vomited. I couldn’t take the job, I would have relived that moment every time I pulled into the parking lot. The employer is quite confused as to why I turned down a very generous offer to keep my crappy job. Guess I’m not meh yet..
Im so sorry. I was sick just finding out about the hookers. I cannot imagine actually having seen it. And then to lose out on that oppertunity too…I totally get it. It sucks. I hope he gets the uncurable stds he was so trying to earn.
Zac Brown Band. Sorry, Zac. It’s not you, it’s him.
I took back one of my favorite bands and my birthday all in one swoop. Went to see Wilco for my birthday last year. It was amazing and I didn’t even think of him once! Ex would argue with me that he introduced me to Wilco and their music, when that was not true. Gaslighting? He even dedicated one of their songs to me, barf. I love them and don’t care! I took them back.
My stbxh proposed to me at a Folk Festival, 25 years ago. Bomb drop was in Feb of this year, and I moved out in May. At the beginning of August, I went to the same folk festival, by myself. I didn’t know a soul, and I volunteered while I was there. It was hard, and I was sad sometimes, but I took back the place he proposed.
He and I performed together for years, and after the Bomb drop, there were songs I could not sing because they meant something to me. He would say things like “I don’t know why you’re so sad, they didn’t write the song about you” and other asshole things. I am building a solo repertoire, and have taken back some of those songs, which I can now sing without crying.
I have taken back my sense of self worth, my pride, my peace, my kindness, and my happiness. He can be stuck wherever he is, but I choose to move forward, alone, and lead an interesting life.
Not Meh yet, but I think I see Tuesday.
sb
Oh, and the biggest thing I took back was August 26th. The wedding anniversary. This year, I took a motorcycle skills test and passed it. August 26th can now represent freedom to me.
You go girl! I just had my Harley converted into a trike :-). I’m riding as much as I can before the snow flies….
The day that I left the cheater was a drama-filled mess (he threatened to kill himself, a concerned neighbor called the cops, I hurriedly packed what I could in a single trip, etc) so now every year I quietly celebrate that day as my personal Independence Day. I get a bottle of champagne, some fancy chocolates, and pamper myself with a smug smile on my face. Over the years the trauma of the relationship has fallen away and now I look forward to my special day as an occasion to be extra nice to myself.
I took back Vegas. I love cheesy things and planned two vow renewals with an Elvis impersonator, on our 25th and 30th anniversaries. I inexplicably love Elvis impersonators. Both times we went to Vegas he bailed on me. Never left the hotel room and was to “sick” to renew our vows. I wandered around town alone. Now I realize he was firmly in his 10 year affair with our best friends wife and was staying true to her. For my 60th birthday last year, my brother and I went to the Elvis impersonators convention and had the BEST time ever! Found out Vegas is a blast when you are with someone who will actually go places and talk to you! It really made me see what a dick x was.
I don’t know where you live @NewDayDawning, but there is an Elvis tribute artist competition in NY state every year. They used to do it in NH, and it’s a blast!
Ssb
Thanks! I will definitely check it out!
So, many.
My home, I am building a house, no longer will I have to be surrounded by arrowheads, guns, or creepy African statues.
Travel, I have planned a trip to Spain, with women only.
Parties, I go alone, this month I will attend a dinner dance fundraiser, we have gone to for more than 20 years.
Hotels, he hired prostitutes in chain hotel rooms. I try now to go to boutique hotels.
Labor Day, always a family day, we hosted a dove hunt. This year the evil rat is out of the country, I will be there with the family.
Supper club, I was just asked to attend while he was excluded, so happy about that.
I know I will think of more, but these stand out. Triggers are less as time passes, but still hit unexpectedly.
EMDR has helped a lot.
Take back as much as you can!
Kfindingmyway I was wondering about trying EMDR to stop triggers, upsetting memories and dawning realisations that come out of the blue – would you recommend it as something that works? I’ve reached meh as far as emotional attachment to the x goes (wouldn’t want him now even if I was wearing industrial strength rubber gloves and a nuclear protection suit!) but still getting sidelined by these things from time to time and it gets on my nerves.
Like most I have multiple triggers. The two biggest being Christmas and those big ugly yellow Super 8 hotel signs! Christmas because that was D-day. The low rent brand hotel she had to pay for to get boytoy to drive to bang her. Not sure why she chose it there were better places. I plan to retake Christmas, the low rent hotel not so much!
I am so sorry about the Christmas D day! I was super upset that my Dday was during the holiday season (Late November). Reclaim that joyous holiday. Celebrate it in a totally new way. Did he hate decorations? Put up garland everywhere! Did he hate seeing your family? Invite everyone over for a low key potluck and family games. Did he yell and sulk about anything? Do that up big! Did he force you to do specific things you dislike? Drop them and do something you always wanted to do. Remember the reason for the season is hope and love, share that with people you really care about.
A few. Here is one. Driving somewhere with narc baby man using a GSP, getting lost and him yelling and grabbing that GPS thing out of my hand. Him swearing at me. Him making me feel terrible because I could not quickly and accurately give him directions, causing him to miss his turn.
How weird, right? I mean, it is a turn, driving!
So now if I get lost, I just figure it out. No big deal.
And it really came to light when I travelled with my son and we got lost and my son just figured it out.
Lightbulb moment.
Begone you crazy narc!
So I took back getting lost, driving, one of many many take backs!
Same here! The first time I missed a turn after ex was gone, the kids braced themselves. I just laughed and told them no biggie, we’ll figure it out. What is up with the directions thing?! I always drove the last few years because of the same behavior, demanding perfection on directions. It was unbearably stressful.
My D-Day was December 28, 2017. There was a lot of suspiscion anx build up to the discovery of the A, over Christmas. So, my trigger is Christmas. I’m dreading Chtistmas this year. Also my birthday is a trigger. It’s 2 weeks before Christmas and 3 weeks before D-Day. My STBX took me out to my favourite restaurant (I havent been back there since), where he presented me with a ridiculous guilt gift (ugly necklace he paid $2k for, oh and he was unemployed as well. So I guess I paid for it. And I’m still paying for it since I’ve got 1/2 has credit card debt handed to me. Stupid no fault divorce law). So the fully necklace, my birthday, my favourit restaurant, and Christmas.
Aside from the month of December, daily I have to ride the train into work. It should be a slightly relaxing commute. 20 minutes on the train, it’s not crowded, and I should just relax in my seat and watch the world go by. But no, not for me. The train takes me past all the hotels he and his AP used. I know because I got receipts! I know which ones, even the room #, so as I travel by each hotel, I look up and see where exactly the 7th floor is, or 13th floor, etc. Everyday is a minefield. When will this stop? How do 8 block these triggers and take back Christmas, my birthday, my favourite restaurant, my daily commute?
Not sure how long. This Christmas will be 4 years and I still don’t look forward to. My DDay was on the 25th!!! Graphic can’t deny it text! As far as the commute, I pass two big ugly yellow Super 8 signs each way. Doesn’t bother me so much today. But on Christmas Day, we were taking family over to look at the new “dream home” I had just signed on. Guess it being a holiday and look at this great house while finding text about how a short chunky 26 year old was talking about blowing a nut on her face…… kind of ruins the holiday spirit!!!
My DDay was December 28, 2016. I loved Xmas and he knew that. Last year I told my family that I could not do Christmas. My 80 year old dad rented a huge cottage on a lake and we all went there for 3 days to celebrate Xmas. It wasn’t easy, my stepson also came and although I love him dearly, he looks a lot like his dad. We are doing the same again this year, all 13 of us! Do something different to get through and it will get easier. It is still hard for me, but less hard.
Melissa, sending you love and strength. My DDay was 12/27/14. I’m at meh (25 year marriage-4 kids). Going completely NC helps a ton! Once you are completely divorced and all financial aspects settled it helps a lot! Don’t worry about your healing, these are early days for you. Focus on NC. You’ll be happy and peaceful soon. I promise!
Thanks MotherChumper99! Wow! What is it about the Christmas season timing to uncover affairs!? I want to go NC, right now I’m as little contact as possible. Only necessary conversations about the 3 kids. 16 year marriage done and over soon. I think I will be better when the the financial matters are settled and he moves out of soon-to-be-all-mine house. Yes. He still lives there. Triggers are breathing the same air as him.
Time. Plain and simple.
Your daily commute resonated with me. My daily train into the city passed by the street of BDSM Guy’s apartment, where KK and he did whatever fucked up shit they did. My drive to my parents’ house forced me to drive by the downtown luxury loft condo that I rented for our 15th anniversary, and from which she arranged to have sex with the Carrot Singer in my house the very next day.
Just recently, I realized neither of those two things has been a trigger for me in a very long time. Time, distance, no contact, filling your life with other things and better people — all of these will help make these triggers fade away.
I’m sitting on the opposite side of the train now, so at least I don’t have to see 1 of the hotels.
Sometimes I wonder if any places are “ruined” for him now. No of course not. He never feels bad about anything for too long.
I’m glad to hear over time this may go away. I guess I’m still in early days of ChumpWorld, and it’s still fairly raw.
This part sucks so much. My STBX went back to the town we lived in for many years two weeks after formally moving out and insisted on “taking a walk down memory lane”; my friends said he had a real spring in his step. I mean wtf? It’s as though we never lived, married, and raised a child there.
I got our house after the divorce and he got our vacation home (that was our primary home when our kids were little.) My kids told me he got the exact same couch to put in the living room that we had when we were a family there 10 years ago . He told them he thought it was funny. Wtf. It’s like the opposite of triggers for them.
I’m taking back April and May. In an earlier post, I expressed my worry that my two favorite months re-engerzwould be filled with memories of divorce, D-day, my husband’s conversion to a stranger, crying, darkness, and overall stress.
I love those months – they are the wakeup after a cold, long winter. I can feel my body reengerizing as the grass greens up, the leaves start popping out, and flower inch their way toward the sun.
My therapist smiled and said, “they will be my rebirth.” With the reassurance of unicornnomore, I am looking toward those days with longing of happiness and peace.
I have lots of triggers. I’m two years out and the ones that come to mind are black Audi sedans, Pearl Jam, and Maryland blue crabs to name a few.
Last night I went over to my boyfriend’s house. We had talked about getting take out and watching a movie. I walk into his kitchen and he had prepared a seafood feast including crab claws. It was such a sweet surprise. Something the Fuckwit would have never have done. I’m taking back delicious blue crabs!!! Triggers are going to continue but I know I’m strong enough to let them come and go, and at times reclaim them!!!! Take them back Chump Nation!!!! Good post CL:)
Don’t let a fuckwit take Pearl Jam. ????
Do you remember a while back when the UBT translated a letter some moron cheater wrote in which he claimed the song “Nothingman” as his personal life statement? He actually thought the lyrics were a positive reflection on his infidelity. I just cannot fathom how someone could be so incredibly stupid to not understand that the entire meaning of that song was actually about what a LOSER he was for cheating!!!
That’s how it goes with fuckwits, though. They may sing along, they may even know every word. But they have NO IDEA what the words mean. Kinda like how they said their marriage vows, right?
They don’t deserve Pearl Jam. Eddie knows all about our heartbreak, though. Don’t think in terms of All or None and don’t dwell too long on Black. Choose instead to focus on the Unthought Known. Remind yourself that I am Mine and that there is a Love Boat Captain steering you toward the clear. Realize you are a Fixer, and Faithful, and it’s ok to have a Wishlist. Stay in the Present Tense. Remember that it’s an Inside Job.
(Sorry I’m such a nerd. But PJ is my third therapist, right behind my actual psychologist and CL. I’ll be damned before I let fuckwit take that away from me!)
Brilliant! You just helped me take PJ back. Thank you.
PJ is your third therapist! I love that! I would say I have a lot of “third therapists” as well. Theory of a Deadman is probably top of my list….So Happy…..
I took back pride in my body and deciding how I should look. No matter how much I worked out and dieted, I never was thin or fit enough for him. I was young and in the military then, and I always scored in the “Excellent” range for our twice-yearly fitness and body-fat tests. “Excellent” still was not good enough for him, even though he was overweight and out of shape. After he left, I began seeing how crazy I’d become about the whole subject of diet, exercise and weight. If he’d stayed, I think I would have developed an eating disorder. I decided that I wan to exercise and eat healthfully, but that I just did not want to be obsessed with every bite I put into my mouth and how many hours a week I worked out. So, now, I am healthy, fit, average weight, not skinny, not fat…and I am much happier with my body. Never again will I be with anyone who criticizes my body. If you don’t like my body — then leave and find someone whose body you do like.
Oh my!!!
Good for you… I’m looking back at my old pics and just want to cry… how was it possible for him to make me feel so undesirable, ugly, fat – while in fact I was a good looking person?
I took it back last year during our family vacation…, most of his cousins and friends were lighting up and checking me out (I know it’s pathetic but it gave me a hit of joy) on numerous occasions.
No, I never used it- because I love most of their wives and would never even slightly make them uncomfortable.
I was always shifting attention to the wife and the fact that guys should be happy to find such a good spouses( yes, the women are great)
YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Agree agree agree. My husband/ STBX constantly criticized my clothes and various aspects of my appearance, especially if we were going “out” with his high class friends where he obviously felt self conscious about himself and by extension, me. My shoes were never right – as if anyone was freeking looking at my shoes. He one time SCREAMED at me and refused to sleep in the same bed with me one night because I went to an event in the winter during a rain and snow storm wearing wet boots and then put them in a plastic bag at the coat check to change into my nice shoes. He thought that carrying boots in a plastic bag looked “ghetto” to his high class friends and they would think we were ghetto. I said darling I don’t think anyone who knows us and the fact that we live in an apartment on the upper east side f NYC with a house in the Hamptons really would be thinking that we live in the slum or are “ghetto”. I think they might think I am rahter practical for having had the forethought to wear rain boots and not destroy my nice shoes. You know what was “ghetto”? His sleeping around with Russian woman while our daughter was at theatre camp and picking up hot caterers and taking them on business trips. Yuck.
Ok…. I was laughing reading it…it brings memories
My h was anal about “ impression management “ and I am still mad at myself, that I was going with his ridiculous requests every time we were about to organize a party… don’t mind the over the top preparations- during the event he usually ignored me most of the time while trying to go above and beyond to impress our guests????????????
At some point I said enough, and guess what? Nothing bad happened:) I could not care less of the people who expect over the top treatment and those who are decent- enjoy my parties.
Brad Paisley’s Mud On The Tires.
Trucks painted camouflage with rattle cans.
European mounts.
The X is a hunter – deer, elk, bear, moose – I don’t ever have to eat another bite of deer as long as I live. I did enjoy the elk but no more deer.
I hunt too. I dislike venison that’s been eating sage and pinecones. I’d much rather have it from the Prarie… where it’s been grass and grain fed all summer.
Things that the mini-me OW loved too – horses, campfires, Ireland…. but most of all the phrase ‘I’m protective of family’ that stbx uses. I know he sincerely wants to help me and the kids be OK, dunno how much of that is guilt, but shame he wasn’t feeling that way 2 years ago when he was full-on obsessed with the OW.
I took back 10 March. It was my Dday and I refuse to let him have it. NExt year I’m going to a music festival and every year from now on I’m going to make that day the best of my year. He can’t have it.
Thank You IDeserveBetter! I will take back 10 March with you! It was also my DDay and the day before my son’s actual birthday. 10 March was also one week before my son’s huge planned birthday party and a few weeks before my daughter’s birthday in which I couldn’t even muster up enough energy to plan anything for her. Even if I had the energy, I couldn’t see for the tears constantly streaming down my face. It sure pisses me off that he had to ruin my kid’s special days. What a cheating abandoning asshole.
I took back March, too. D-day was during spring break, 2015. This past year, I moved into my own apartment on the first day of Spring! New life!
My first anniversary of the bomb dropping is coming in a few weeks. He chose my dad’s birthday to blow up my family. I’ll never forget it being about 11 pm, kids in bed, hours into pleading for counseling, wailing in pain, and trying to understand how he could be leaving what I thought was a strong marriage, when it dawned on me and I blurted out, “I didn’t call my dad on his birthday!”. In typical Fuckwit fashion, with the delusional entitlement they all seethe, he feigned empathy. I will never forget or forgive that moment. My dad had the last laugh, though. He became a divorce expert and did far more than my own attorney to get me every last dime I was ENTITLED to. Justice will eventually be served.
My EX lost his Dad when he was young, always claimed my father replaced him. So after dumping me and my two sons he then preceded to re marry on my fathers birthday to make it special. Lucky for me, I was able to laugh about how crazy he was to think that my father has any “special” feelings for him… LOL
It’s very early days (only 7 weeks) since D day. He lives in a beautiful city, I have so many happy memories as my grandparents lived there. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back. Christmas last year was our first as a family of 3. Rather spoiled by the arrival of his GF when I went to see other family on boxing day. I’m rather anxious about Christmas this year, knowing he and she will be together.
I’m taking back the child support money that my XH owes me.
A garnishment order was served on his employer earlier this month.
(He actually thought he could cross the state line into Indiana and dodge child support. NOPE.)
BAM!
You kick ass Rarity. Very impressive.
I hope its wonderfully encouraging to tell you that now, years later, I cant think of anything that really triggers me these days.
I used to have a lot of triggers : April, Seattle, Salt Lake City, Tampa, Chinese food, Asian women, any products manufactures by Camelback or another company OW used to work for which escapes me at the moment.
There are a few cheater songs I click past as well as a few songs from our dating days that remind me of him, but Im generally avoiding annoyance, not real pain.
In one week I will take back Maui. I went there 32 years ago as a teenager after the first 2 dates with the X asshat. Even at that young age I knew he was “the one” and therefore spent a pretty miserable week with my stick-in-the-mud parents, surrounded by newlyweds. A horny teenage girl in love with her dopey parents. We didn’t do anything fun and it was really boring. Can you imagine calling Maui boring?
So in a week I am taking my adult daughters to Maui. They both graduated from their various colleges this summer and we are going to celebrate with this trip. Asshat was at neither of their ceremonies and has not spoken to either of them for months.
It will be a much better vacation than we have ever known- with Asshat at the helm we always had to see every corner of the map when we were on vacation, drive 80 miles out of the way to see the largest ball of string, and always roll into the campgrounds well after dark and try to set up tents in complete blackness, trying to be silent among sleeping neighbors who were counting our car door slams. Whether flying or road trips he always ran the show and ran us ragged cramming every possible thing into the days and always creating a feeling of lateness and hurry.
We called them, “Dadventures” and tried to laugh it off but now that he has abandoned us all for his 25YO sparkletwat we are free of that idiocy and will have a vacation at OUR pace, enjoying each other and a lot of downtime. So looking forward to it.
Take back Maui! I cannot take back Hawaii just yet as we lived there for years, met there, married there, named our daughter’s middle name after the beach we used to frequent, on and on. Good for me that I live in Tampa currently. But Hawaii is where I was born and raised so I do have to take it back someday……..on a Tuesday.
Asswipe promised my daughter a trip to Hawaii when she graduated high school. He also promised her he would finish (after 10 years) the apartment above our garage if she did well in school. Told her it would be finished for her senior year.
The apartment is STILL (and probably will forever be because he is a lazy drunk and too busy playing pool) a shell and she graduated back in 2015. The Hawaii trip has yet to happen.
And yet my daughter doesn’t talk to me….
Not so much about taking back, but letting go. Letting go of the apprehension, letting go of the fear and thus taking back myself. And when I come home nowadays, I don’t start preparing a meal to have it ready for him, I turn on the music ,. @Feelingit – yeah the summer of 69, love that song. And Bruce SPringsteen. Of course it is best when the music is turned at a wall shaking volume, something he hated and thus I never did it when he was around.
I’ve got two. One is a nice restaurant downtown that I used to like to eat at with friends from work. Once I saw the footage provided by the PI of the ex there with the AP, that was it, I couldn’t go there any more. I just wanted to throw up. Someday, I want to take this restaurant back.
The other is not so good. My ex worked with cops, so all but one of her AP (that I know about) were police officers. So, now I have an irrational hatred of law enforcement. It sucks ass. I can tell myself in my head that not all these people are lying cheating sacks of shit, but the experience says otherwise
🙁
Ok, this may sound weird, but mine is a parking garage. I had to park in this garage every time I went to court for the divorce. The whole thing was very stressful. Every time I parked there for court I was so nervous and shaky. The problem is that one branch of the library I work for is right across the street from the courthouse, and you have to park in the same garage. I always said I would never be able to work at that branch because of the garage. But a year after the divorce, A full-time opportunity that was really great came up at that branch. I needed the benefits and extra pay, and the job was interesting, so I interviewed, got the job and started parking in the garage every day. It would actually make me shake and make my stomach hurt at first, but now that garage is just a normal part of my work-day, and I walk by the courthouse everyday without a second thought! Oh, did I mention that my Ex’s job takes him to all the courthouse in our state? I could run right into him on my way to work, but I don’t think he would even recognize me, because I cut my hair short and I have lost over 100 pounds!
I’m inspired by your trigger take-back and your transformation!! Cheers to you!!!
I lost 10 lbs in about a month following my D-Day because I couldn’t eat. It was the “last 10 lbs” that I had wanted to lose forever after baby#3. I was losing weight and none of my pants fit. I went out and bought a very nice pair of skinny Jeans. The kind of jeans I would have wanted to wear but wouldnt because “those last 10 lbs.” So anyway my stbxh is still living in my house, and I come home wearing these new jeans and a beautiful top, and I notice him checking me out and smiling. He said “hey you look REALLY good “. He thought he could compliment back into my good graces and thought I would rug sweep. I said I dont care what you think, f%ck off!
Looking good is the best revenge! What my mom always says.
This one may be a little silly, but stick with me:
When I was in high school, I spent some time as a cashier in a supermarket. Sometimes the customers would slap down those divider things on the conveyor belt between their groceries and the next person’s, even though there was about 2 feet of space between their items. I would think “Do you think I’m stupid? Clearly, the two feet of empty conveyor belt will clue me in to where your groceries begin without that dumb divider.”
After that, I decided I didn’t like those divider sticks, and I would never touch one again. It wasn’t anything really deep seated, I just kinda decided I was gonna try to go my whole life without ever touching one.
My ex-whore-fucker of course knew about this, so he never missed an opportunity while online at the supermarket to pick up the divider and poke me with it. Ha ha, I would laugh thinking he was being flirty, no, he was being a dick and literally testing my boundaries.
After D-Day, I was at the store and found myself in front of someone who put their groceries on the belt nearly touching mine. At that moment, I decided I’m a brand new person that doesn’t give a fuck about the divider sticks. I picked it up and separated our groceries with it.
Now, anytime I’m in line, I pick up that dumb sick with a full grip and place it on the belt. It’s just a little reminder to myself (without anyone around me having any idea) that I’m my own person, a different person, and he can’t poke me, touch me or hurt me anymore.
This is NOT silly. I love that you shared this.
What seem like tiny little things can give us such a great feeling of power. Triggers are all knives in a drawer, microscopic, huge, visible, invisible….and UNIQUE TO THE INDIVIDUAL. I love Peter Levine’s work on trauma. Today’s topic has got me thinking what kind of all-purpose plan I can have for those “knives”…in particular I love a photo of Fiona Apple wearing a suit of armor in a subway car. I need to print that out and put my face on it….
I worked for years to not be thick-skinned and want just the right amount of sensitivity….right now I feel like I have no protective coating. When it comes to triggers so often I look for the elephant and it was a flea…..maybe a chain mail garment would be a good idea for when I have to see him….? Definitely I need to feel protected and powerful somehow….words, clothing, space, finances, magic spells, invocations, true friends who stand up for me. For sure I need to think about what makes me feel safe and powerful…things that the cheater took away….
I’m one of those people who puts the divider stick down. Not because I think the cashier is stupid, but so the person behind me might push their stuff further up and relax, or maybe push their stuff up, put down a divider stick and let the next person get started, or put the little basket down while they wait.
I also use the divider stick as a courtesy to the next person in line. I’m not saying this to argue, just to let any cashiers reading this that we don’t think you are dumb!
GTT,
I think your story is important because it shows how they take little pieces of info which we have entrusted them with to to torment us and thus put us off balance in order to manipulate us…even little things can be a mindfuck.
I (uncharacteristically) had an item that I refused to touch…it was Cheaters John Deere tractor…I didnt want the damn thing in the first place as I thought a yard the size of the one he chose was all too much and I wasnt going to to take responsibility for it. After he died, I sold the damn thing and hired a lawn service.
You are a new person, one who doesnt have to have bad memories associated with dumb stuff. We are mighty.
Thanks, Unicornnomore. It’s the little things, sometimes, I guess.
Taking back the pleasure of going out to eat without the entitled narcissist who ruined every meal with her complaints and rudeness to the waitstaff. After we split, several friends told me that they had decided never to go out with us again because of her behavior.????
NOT taking back anything New Age…especially anyone who claims to be channeling entity(s) from the Galactic Federation. Seriously, how do people fall for this shit?! IMHO, anyone who starts their own “spiritual” group should be viewed with deep suspicion. I think most are narcissists in “spiritual” drag.
House-is-mine, I’ve also had the ex who was rude to waitstaff. It’s so embarrassing! I don’t miss Princess Entitlement at all.
My struggles aren’t so much any more about places and things, I’ve done a good job of reclaiming those, because … fuck him!
My struggles are more around projective identification; literally getting stuck “holding the bag” of uncomfortable feelings that do not even belong to me in the first place.
I’m court this week fuckface submitted an email that I forwarded to him as evidence of my “parental suck!”
Thursday Aug. 16 – text from football coach:
JVB Black unis, be ready by 4pm for pictures and then stick around for preview night.
Friday Aug. 17th – fuckfaces weekend, but I kept our son.
Son had practice and pictures.
Filled out and turned in all forms for preview night, paid fees and stayed for preview. Even asked shithead if he’d like me to order him a lanyard!
Friday Aug. 17th 7:14 pm – coach text
Ready to go by 645am tomorrow. No jerseys, We will wear beanies.
Text from coach at 8:20 pm
You will need black jerseys if your parents want buttons to wear. (I did not order buttons with the picture order form)
Saturday Aug. 18th
I drop son off at 6:45 am for scrimmage. Return to pick him up when he calls and says he’s done.
Wednesday Aug. 22
I am in the hospital with my daughter after a major surgery and receive the following email from the football mom president.
Good Morning,
I was just told that Son didn’t have his picture taken last Saturday after practice? Would it be possible for you to take a picture of him from the waist up (portrait style) in his blue jersey, we need this picture for the lanyard you ordered as well as the poster you will decorate on Thursday.
I respond and cc fuckface, as he had our son.
I apologize. We thought Saturday’s pictures were for kids who wanted button orders, and the pictures taken on Friday were for posters.
I have CC’d Sons fuckface dad on this, as I am currently in the hospital with my daughter.
… and he submitted this on our third day of trial as evidence that he should have the kids overnight on Sunday’s all year. I wasnt aware being a good parent required a complete absence of mistakes, especially those that were caused by someone else’s miscommunication.
He’s a Douche canoe!
My struggles are around his constant message of “I suck”. The kids tell me all the time he says it, other people tell me he says it. He puts it in court docs. Sure, I’m imperfect and make mistakes, that doesn’t make me a horrible parent.
The disordered will always use your imperfections against you!
Got a Brain – I’m sorry but I’m laughing my butt off. THAT is all Fuckhead has in his “She’s So Damn Awful” file for COURT? Seriously he’s crazy as a three dollar bill.
Good riddance – and please stop internalizing his remarks about you to others. In fact, tell everyone not to mention anything he ever says about you.
You’re amazing.
That football picture ordered sounded confusing AF. I wouldn’t have understood it either, the way they communicated was not good. And that is not a reflection on YOU!
Potato chips. I will eat them if I want and not be told they will make me fat!
YES!!! Potato chips are your friends whenever a friend is needed!!!!
Nacho dip. Ex narcopath had this thing with wanting nacho dip and tostitos on Friday nights and watching a movie. I usually had fridays off work, so he would start badgering me via text from work, early in the morning….
“I’m thinking nachos tonight…. ”
I would tell him we need xyz ingredients and can he pick them up and bring them on his lunch hour? (He drove home to watch Prices Right for half an hour).
He WORKED at the local grocery store.
Nope. He insisted I stop whatever I was doing at home and drive down, RIGHT THAT MINUTE, to get the ingredients and make it. Because: IT. NEEDS. TO. SIT……ALL. DAY.
After we broke up and Friday would roll around I would cry and cry remembering our special nacho Fridays.
Until I became friends with exwife and one Friday she asks me: “he ever ask you to make nachos on Friday ?” Yes, I said, tearfully. “Yeah, he was obsessed with that shit, made me do it for years…”
Say, what? Not special. It was their thing. He did it with all his gfs. Sigh.
Now, I make it for my kids and I and even send an extra dish to my moms….we all love it. Screw him. And p.s. MY recipe was the best of them all!