Does she love you but she’s not In Love with you? Did he boink the neighbor, but still wants to be friends? Share your fatuous cheater talk with Chump Lady and you may find it a cartoon here!
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Leave a cheater, gain a life
I have enjoyed your articles. It is so true what you say. I tried to be a better man to make my wife happy and it was never enough. She could see no good in anything I did. I tried to reconcile but really once the trust is broken it never could be the same. I thought if I just showed her how much I loved her it would make thing right. It just allowed her to cheat again. After 26 years of marriage and three affairs, I am divorced now and feel more contentment in my life. My children are with me. They are over 18 and one is away at college. I do miss having someone special in my life and find it hard to date but all the craziness and self-doubting are gone. It does not matter the reasons or how I lacked something. It is over and does not matter anymore.
Ironically, it it was not me being strong and kicking her out or anything like that. She said she was unhappy and moved out. I still fell into the trap of thinking I could “win” her back by showing her that I loved her by doing things at her home to show I was there for her. Even in a thunderstorm, I went over and clear out the debris from her downspout so the water would stop flooding over the gutter. How dumb of me! Only two years later at her deposition, did I find out that she went away on a cruise with a doctor from her work a month after she left me. I found out he was divorced and I felt he would not go out with her unless she was separated so she left instead of cheating on me again. (That is my delusional belief. She might have been seeing him and I just did not know) In the long run, he did me a favor by taking my cheating wife off my hands. I am sure my ex feels she “upgraded”and maybe she found the happiness that was lacking with me. But here I was shoveling her snow and helping her and she had moved on. Of course, I think back and she did not tell me she was seeing someone else. She more or less alluded to the belief that she just needed some time alone and maybe we could work things out. It fits the type of behavior that I read in your articles of other cheaters. It is never them. They want control and manipulation.
Do you think women who are cheated on are more aggressive or decisive in dealing with a cheater than men who are cheated? I think how Sandra Bullock did not mess around with reconciliation. She was very decisive in her moves.
Also, what do you think of this statement as to how the courts and society sees female cheating…… I guy cheats, ” he is a dirty sob that deserves nothing.” A women cheats it is, “what did that guy do to make her cheat.”
Regards,
Rob
Iwas tempted several times to go and help my stbxw ,but something in the back of my head would say she’s got a man now she’s cheating on youand give a crap about what you think or feel only your children for that matter. my philosophy to her was this I refuse to spend any finances emotional or time to help you further your illicit affair.
Hi Rob,
Thanks for your comment. Look, I think anybody who cheats deserves to have it held against them in a fault divorce. (And I define cheating as duping someone and leading a double life, i.e., cake eating.)
I’m always surprised when people think infidelity is a woman’s issue. Because, really who are men cheating with? Other men? (That happens) Sheep? (I suppose that happens too…) But hey, most often they’re cheating with WOMEN. Women are cheaters too and ergo, men get cheated on. So why should we have any double standard? I think it’s very fortunate you have custody of your children.
I’m glad you’re happily on the other side of this and no longer shoveling her snow! Thanks for writing.
This just happen 4 days ago… I AM BROKEN!!!! 25 years down the toilet
You will heal. You are broken now, but you will heal. Everyone here has felt like you but we are healing or have healed. Go slow. One day at a time. If you are religious, pray for strength. Nothing is down the toilet. You just can’t see that now. You have purpose. You are just in the recovery of the fog of lies. It will clear. Stay steady. We are all with you. We have all felt your loss. We all will comfort you in the days ahead.
Maybe that’s what hurts the most – not only learning that these horrible people exist in the world, but also finding out that you were actually married to one for so long. And then when people say that it is you’re fault that they are like that because you somehow “enabled” them or didn’t draw clear enough boundaries (even though this was all done behind your back). My ex-wife comes from a religious family (her father is a minister), and this is what they have tried to convince me was the real problem – yes, me. Of course, they will never believe that she is a bona fide slut – her Christian upbringing and kind, bubbly nature would not allow that, would it? Any faith I had in a god evaporated when this shit was served to me by her parents.
I have known pasters and religious people do alot of BS and one thing I have learnt that it is PEOPLE’s choices, not God’s. Guidance can be given but it is up to the person to take it, I guess our spouses took the easy way out. Blame others because then they would have to admit that they messed up and they can’t have that. This is the time to turn to God, not away. I have 4 children and am unemployed, father is unemployed and has had a heart attack when he moved back. He chose his family for a whole of 3 days before running to his mistress. obviously I am not so polite in her name. I pray everyday and I let my heart out to God and everyday he answeres my prayers even when I am not looking. Would you push away your children just because they have her blood running through their veins, NO! They are also a part of you, just as God is a part of you. God bless and I am praying for us both.
Yes Teresa!
cLifeUpsideDown, turn to God right now.
Don’t force this situation to screw you over even more.
This is the time when a friendship with God would benefit you the most. To cheat yourself of that (or a good Forever for that matter, beyond our training grounds here on Earth) because of some human doing wrong, would be a terrible thing.
Listen. Did you ever watch Conan the Barbarian? (Bear with me please.)
Conan’s father is telling him the ways of the world and he comes close to a real-life truth. He essentially tells young Conan, “No one. NO one in this world can you trust. Not men. Not women. Not beasts. THIS you can trust. ” He says this while tapping a steel sword blade.
The real truth is sort of close to that. Half of that truth is sad, but the other is comforting in a real way.
You can’t trust anyone, my friend, not like you would like that word “trust” to mean. Anyone, and I mean anyone, is capable betraying you, turning against you, misunderstanding and then resenting you for an imagined Reality.
I’ve lived it, even from close family that didn’t realize they were messing up.
God, however, is THE only being who Can be trusted. God won’t betray you. You will be able to look back years from now and see how God has been with you and has helped you.
It was a real eye-opener for me. I was worried about something, looked back over my life, saw that God has had my back and was looking after me the whole time, and I said aloud to nobody, “Wow. Why do I ever worry?”
I still do fret over some things, but not like I’m alone dealing with it. When I was going through my divorce from my ex CW, I was So down and discouraged. I even had a car wreck i should’ve avoided. I prayed afterward, thanking God for my safety (I had literally no effects, not even soreness) and for my getting away from my user, mind control ex.
God said, “I thought you could use a break.”
I laughed my ass off. That cheered me up quick and gave me a little different perspective.
Now, I’m not someone who hears God talk off and on all the time, and I’m especially not one who feels like he hears God tell him to do a bunch of murder or whatever craziness we are trained to think, now, if someone hears God or a lesser spirit being say something.
I’m just a regular guy who is a full-immersion baptised disciple of Jesus Christ, just a Christian. I’ve heard God talk to me only a couple of short times.
It’s kind of cool in an extra way, because the way He has done it is such that I would be able to easily tell i was not imagining it. With the small joke about me needing a break from my ex, God surprised me. I sure didn’t think of that on my own.
The other time (in like 1995) He spoke to me, God reassured me about my future in like 8 words or so. At the time, the wording didn’t quite seem to fit the situation I was praying about and seemed to be about more than I was seeing at the time.
I was to discover over the coming years that God was telling me about some big personal things of mine that I didn’t even know were a problem! That THOSE things would get straightened out and fix various others as well.
Boy, I sure couldn’t have told you how my future might have been. I heard things both times that were surprises, relating to No other thoughts I had. Ya gotta like that. Surprised and cryptic future stuff. Definitely from God.
It has been amazing to live and see it. But the thing is, even if, like most people, what you experience is feeling God interact and guide you Only, it is a comforting and helpful relationship, like a father/son or serious friend kind of thing.
I mean sure, He is “GOD” and all that, but He will relate with you as a fellow-being might, rather than as a booming-voiced all-powerful king of all there is. God talking was like a very moderated, “So how’s it going?” , kind of voice. (So as not to spook us? It IS a voice in one’s head after all, though as if from due “up”.)
Read the books of John and Mark in the New Testament section of the Bible. They’re shorter but they really provide a good intro to becoming one of God’s people, like what we were meant to be, to start with. We were to be God’s created children and can be that now, by choice. (and the book of Acts, chapter 2)
Getting fake and badly misguided people out of your life will be good. Do that.
Don’t let bad people accidentally trick you into throwing away what you could have in your life that is good, be that a relationship with God or even with the next nice woman who comes along.
Don’t let your cheater discourage you from relationships with women either. Good women also exist.
It’s really the same kind of thought process. THEN where does that leave you? One bleak, cheerless place, and if you don’t take the other advice, it would be even worse if you didn’t have God in your life.