to Loyalist, so, married John cheats on Barbara with Irene. And married Irene cheats on Conrad with John. And John has a reputation as a serial cheater having cheated on Barbara in both marriages to her and cheated on Paulette between his marriages to Barbara. And then John meets Danni and tells Danni he is divorced and rents, never telling Danni he lives with Irene in the house she bought to “house” John, his tools and his sons. And john then cheats on Irene and cheats Danni of the truth. haha.
I got an email from the other woman telling me how to handle the divorce (she has had two) and everything I was doing wrong and that I’m not a good mother. Her opinion means nothing. Best part- she thinks dumbass is the one! They are perfect for each other!
Loyalist: Excellent advice. They will wonder what she is thinking. Nothing makes people wonder more than a big smile on your face and a quick step!
Priasays
My husband’s OW said that “there is nothing wrong in helping a friend who was suffering in his marriage”. I guess receiving expensive gifts, giant bouquets, music and date nights with the “married friend” was her way of helping him. My husband says that she was just a friend for whom he had intense romantic feelings. I am supposed to eat the shit sandwich without any noise and in one gulp !
This is the first thing my ex husband said when the OW text me and found out about them..he finally fessed up ..smh..they’re both idiots..and yes silent treatment is the best response to both parties
I have spent over 3 years (out of 5) with a wife from China imposing and instigating arguments while particapating in unfaithful affairs and believing her excuse of lack culture knowledge only to have her tell me she wanted a divorce so she could continue an affair. It is evident that no matter what is offered, it is not enough for nacissistic people. She even tried to project the blame toward me for filing a divorce after staying after 1:30AM or not even comming home and telling me she has been involved physically with another guy” for a long petiod of time. Unknowingly I was hoping she would go through what I thought might be a period of adjustment….don’t wait, do it right away after clarification
Best one my ex narc hole would say “Women that go through menopause are basically useless, us men need vibrant vaginas.” He was a real piece of useless work himself. I pray for the day he ages and his parts stop working correctly. Any man that uses menopause that a woman naturally goes through as an excuse to cheat with younger women is a loser! Why don’t men like this do all women a favor and move to remote islands far away from others! He ruined so many lives, it’s truly pathetic. What goes around comes around though!
When I was in my 30’s my narc already commented that someday I would go through menopause. I laughed at that and said “are you worried? I’m not – I don’t think about it”. Was that out of concern about my well-being, health or whatever? NO. I should have figured it out when he didn’t seem concerned about my well-being during my pregnancies. Another time he actually mentioned in a letter that I will go through menopause (in my 30s still). He was actually concerned that I wouldn’t be able to service him or something. Sure enough, when the time came, 20-year younger women (in his case he was a serial cheater). Oh so predictable.
Funny… My ex boyfriend just told me he had slept with a married woman (who happened to be Brazilian as well) from his gym that is 10 years older then him. I always found it weird but he would tell me that she was just a “friend” and because she was married I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Apparently fake implants and 6 pack abs were more important then having a commited relationship with someone who truly loved him…
She doesn’t mean anything to me…. it won’t happen again, I swear….
StevoBsays
…I’m new here, but have noticed a lot of cheating based around FITNESS…my wife cheated with a good friend who was an overweight alcoholic who decided to quit drinking and lose 70lbs. My wife spent a lot of time encouraging him…encouragement that included boinking him for a year. Why the big connection to FITNESS?
been chumpedsays
Ah, yes the fitness industry….I can fill you in a bit. I worked there many years and my cheater STBX has spent his entire career there. It is a disgusting manifestation of sexual wrongs. 1st it totally attracts Somatic Narcissists; they all get their energy and power and entire self-worth from their outward appearance rather than inner character. Trade Shows are practically orgies; a ton of drinking and a ton of beautiful people who are image obsessed. I’ve also consulted in the club it’s self. It was disgusting; young personal trainer sleeping with multiple “cougar” older women married clients, the sales manager trading out hotel rooms for guest passes with the hotel next door… honestly a sexual misconduct cestpool! And to no surprise my serial cheater used his employment in the fitness industry as the propeller for his gross lifestyle (all while playing to me like he was one of the few good guys in the industry.) Now, even facing my awful employment situation, I flat refuse to work in the fitness industry even though I have many, many professional contacts there.
EyesOpenNowsays
Man, been chumped, that’s awful!
LaLasays
Okay so is anyone else noticing the trend with Brazilian women and the gym or is it just me?
Imdone123says
Today my dumb husband ,told me tge number I found of his female coworker was hidden under his sister name because I’m so jealous and she just wanted to buy a Lil marijuana now and then. Okay it’s medical ,so why would u hide anything from your wife.and he has came home smelling like vomit and God only knows what it really was.smh .and he is a porn addict.He is trying to drive me crazy and bankrupt me.my 645 BMW I BROUGHT is broke after he did God knows what in it while I was on a business trip.
Please help me you guys .cause I think I’m losing my mind seriously ..
Being this is a Saturday, many of us recovered Chumps are out reclaiming our cheater-free life. That is why you have no replies prior to this moment. I mention that, not to rub salt into your fresh wounds, but to let you know you have a better future ahead of you!
Yes, I remember clearly the times I nearly lost my mind thru all the twists & turns! For me, my spiritual focus and my prayers to our Creator were key in maintaining my sanity!! THAT is first and foremost…..Pray, Girl, Pray!!!
Next, step away from the ‘crazy train’! Please, step away! Do Not Go ballistic on him! Calmly step away! Calmly….This is where prayer comes in to play….Praying in faith will accomplish far more than raging! Trust me, sister…..trust me.
Been there, done that / raging does NOT work! Calmly remove yourself from the mayhem and chaos. The monetary concerns do not matter. They really don’t! Concern yourself with calmly removing yourself and any children from this insanity. Breath deep, pray & pray some more…..
How can anyone be calm when their being cheated on ? Especially when I feel as though other people are helping him do it.
Sharonsays
My last spoken words to the cheater were that “he has to live with himself”. And, that was before I learned of the five plus year affair. I highly recommend NO CONTACT. Yes, there will be days when you feel that you cannot make it through and that you are losing your sanity…but, it gets easier. Yes, you will be better off without the cheater.
ForgeOn!says
Kim……How? you ask?
Not in your own power, that much I have learned. That is why I shared with Imdone123 what really, truly worked for me. (and many others!)
I PRAYED & read and studied the scriptures & PRAYED some more and learned from others what works & what doesn’t. Then, I PRAYED in faith some MORE. Or, should I say, I prayed pretty much non-stop for about 3 years?!
I would literally wake up in the night, terror seizing my soul and I would already be praying to our beloved Creator before I was even fully awake. And, YES, it worked! I received comfort and strength to endure.
I understand about others ‘aiding and abetting’ the affair. I think that every one who has been cheated on experienced the same. I most certainly did! That is why the advice from those of us who have successfully navigated this insanity is so vital for those like you who are currently in the center of the cesspool.
Kim, you have found ChumpLady. THAT is huge! This is one of the greatest resources that will calm your soul so you can ‘get a grip’ and do what you need to do to save your self & any children you may have. Tracy also has links to other excellent resources. You are obviously reading thru the articles & archives here. Keep doing it! And PRAY, Girl, PRAY!
And I will repeat my other advice to Imdone123….DO NOT respond in kind if your cheater is raging or trying to provoke you.
I know exactly how it feels to be betrayed on. I still have panic attacks in the morning and I an so scared that the pain will always remain the same. Thanks to this site I have learnt that cheating has nothing to do with you. The cheater just shows how week and foolish they are. Please pray and ask for Gods grace. I am struggling everyday with my life. My husband is still cheating and plans his life with his soul mate. The other woman posts on Facebook how lovely it is to sleep with a married man…..well karma does come back … Which normal healthy minded man can be proud of such a woman? The other woman may be his daughter and may THINK she is beautiful……but I am so much more beautiful especially INSIDE!
Wow!!!!! My ex H dated my son’s MIL and I thought that was weird. Good thing it only lasted a year. That same MIL was flirting and trying to sleep with my BF at my birthday party. Needless to say I stay far away from her. Only see her at my grndchildren’s Bday parties and Christmas…
My wife’s affair was the guy she works with who I invited to my house to do work. They played me like a fiddle. Too bad in CT you can’t throw the cheating scum out. Better yet she still gets half of everything even admitting she cheated. I think it is high time cheaters pay when they cheat and that only happens when you hit them in their pockets. You see cheaters will always be cheaters and the emotional thing they can care less about. They must pay financially. If by marriage you make a contract with a person through the eyes of the government there must be consequences for the cheater. Financial consequences that is the only remedy. People learn fast when they lose money and can’t take something from someone they cheated on.
I don’t get it either. You say your wedding vows, you get a marriage license. You have to go through the whole bullshit. But one person comes along and takes it all away. And get away with it.
My husband has been cheating for at least 30 out of our 36 years of our marriage. I just learned about 5 years ago when he decided I needed to know. But later found out that the whore he is seeing now told him to tell me so it would take some of the guilt off of him. But really it was so he could perform better for her so he wouldn’t feel bad for cheating on me again.
His head and heart was with her for about 30 years. He was giving her money, wining and dining her and buying her gifts.
It was very convenient for them two to do what they were doing because it’s his brother’s wife and no one suspected it but me. And of course no one believes what I’m saying. They think I’m jealous of her. But not true, nothing to be jealous of. She was trying to act like me and be like and she wanted my life. Well she got part of it Him.
Pretty sad to cheat on your wife with someone trying to be like her.
A year before he left he was doing what he pleased . Coming and going whenever he felt like it and there was nothing I could do about it. The law says he can and he didn’t have to tell me where he was or who he was with.
So much for a marriage license….
He pretty much kept me isolated. He didn’t want me to work then my health started going hill . Sick all the time. Later I found out that I could pick up on his deceptions. ( Empath ).
Now that we’re going through a divorce he’s telling people and his attorney that I can work I just refused.
I would like to know when I will get justice for all the hell him and her put me through.
I was used and abused, neglected and humiliated.
So good luck with you trying to get justice.
Me: Let’s do x, y, z to celebrate our 10th anniversary.” His response: Crickets, crickets, crickets…
Then several months later: The whore “just happened”… “I thought we (i.e. the marriage) were over…”
Me: WTF? Did you say we were over? No. Did you file for divorce? No…
Really, WTF? Who the hell is this person?!! And by who-the-hell, I mean the person I married, not the skank-ho…
Actually, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have exerted more energy on him… I would have just let him go…
Love is a resource… and it shouldn’t be wasted on people who don’t appreciate it…pigs and pearls and such… I am heart broken… but how many people (or animals) in the world would have so loved and apprecited the kindness I squandered on him??
So, so, so, so, so, so sad…. If people were at least honest and respectful, a marriage could dissolve with dignity and perhaps even a distant respect… but lying and cheating??
The clue is in the name “Cheating”. Open relationship, polyamoury, polygamy, non-exclusive…all fine because they are relationships where both parties are in agreement to have secondary relationships away from the primary relationship. Cheating involves lying, sneaking around and not being honest. You will find that it isnt the sex or the love or anything else that hurts so much as the knowledge that for the entire time our partners were cheating, they were LYING to us. And if sex isnt always love, why not be honest with your partner and say that you want to have sex with someone else, giving them the chance to decide whether they want to be in an open relationship or not? Oh thats right, you dont want an open relationship do you? Because that would mean that your partner was free to sleep around too, and its amazing how many cheaters turn into complete effing hypocrites if there partner does what they are doing!
Its gutless and nasty at best. Then you have the rest of the crap to help it along, like the lies, the baiting and blaming to justify to the witless their behaviour { well I only shagged your sister, amoung many others because YOU…..fill it in} I had the best sex of my life when we were living in…….away from family and friends and I didn’t work for 9 years……. because YOU were always so busy working and not …………. fill in the gaps. There is the betrayal of my life and my family and my values, to which every brainless bint he has at the time, to justify what a mad woman I am, how useless I am, how now he s met her { and her divorce settlement, pension, social security payments} his life will be ok. EXCEPT when she finds out he s full of shit, steals from her, clouts her, tries to flirt with her 20 something daughter, it ends in tears, and the boomerang is back. He s sick. He is dying. He will kill himself. { well if you’ve made up your mind….} Then he damages property, people, lies, and…..; 5 years, 3 changes of address and loss of everything { including any dignity sympathy every shilling, that I already had…..} and I went to the police. Ispent a year in my house. On my own. away from the madness. Hiding when I did nothing wrong. I wasn’t even married to the prick. My marriage to my late husband was nothing like that. Finally rid. Hate him with everything I have, and hate my stupidity more.
Yup, mine wasn’t happy either from beginning of our 23/24 years. I played it over and over and even timed it with my Mom. “Hon, we need to talk. I love you but I don’t want to be married to you anymore. I met someone blah blah blah. ” Few seconds it takes to say that. Sure, I may have wigged.. I wigged anyway right? It may have been hard, it was hard anyway, right? Ah,why would someone who never loved me anyway leave me with any dignity?
mine has just left a month ago…because he felt unloved…Turns out affair been going on since last August on the day we went to London to a Madness concert,which wastwo weeks after we got back from our first fabulous holiday without the kids…on the day we got back it was his 50th birthday and we threw him a surprise party with his favourite band there ,after picking up his brand new Mercedes sports car birthday present….but bless he felt so unloved!!!!
This is his third affair in our twenty two years together along with a few sextings to fat ugly skanks…what can I say I am a slow learner, but this time I said “no more” …he begged and pleaded again telling me I am his heart and soul and he cant live without be ..but ten days later he took the replacement (me and the children do not believe she deserves to be called by a human name) to Milan for a long weekend….ooh he was soooooo devastated and we haven’t heard from him since
My BF’s excuse was he thought I didn’t want him anymore. Well don’t you think it would have been better to talk to me first before you just go out and screw someone else??? SMH!
Kristine: I can match that – “I don’t watch porn! I don’t even like it! I’ve never liked it! God!! Why do you keep accusing me of things I didn’t do? I can’t take it!”
Two YEARS of “I don’t ever watch porn, I don’t like it,” etc., etc. Then, when caught, comes the innocent yet pissed off “So what?” as though it was the first discussion on the subject.
So what? I’ll never get that time back, listening to hours of denial (she’s just a friend, strip clubs are a waste of money, etc., ad infinitum). And, she was just a friend, smart girl – she wouldn’t have him (whiny begging is a turn-off); $500 a pop for strip clubs. God, every last thing out of his mouth was a lie. I saved this line from another chump, Scott, about his wife, but it applies:
“I now realize that 95% of what comes out of her mouth is a lie and the remaining 5% is an attempt to deflect the conversation.”
Sitting in the same room and he forgets, maybe, to plug in his ear phone headset; the volume is on high and I suddenly hear the introduction of the video for wannabe Mr. Christian Grey, ” You are watching Episode 8 of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey'”. I asked, “So you are watching ‘Fifty Shades of Grey'”? He smirks and grabs the plug for his iPad. I haven’t had intimacy in years. Our first night of our honeymoon. No sex, just sleep. I’m to tired. Vaseline, baby oil in secret locations for masturbation. Free viagra samples in his drawer, but gets so drunk he can’t perform. Covert narcissist just grabs my boob to tell me to come to bed for sex after he’s read or seen something. It’s was awful. I am glad after a year of no contact and still working on the divorce that he discarded and abandoned me.
He tried to hide that he went to parties when I was gone.
He’d get so drunk he’d fall down the stairs and I ‘d come to a new hole in the wall the size of his head.
To punish me if I was on a trip he approved of me going, he put sticky stuff on the floors. It would take me five times mopping to get it off. He had no clue what it was?
Later, it became the dog attacked, so I would not allow him out of his crate. The poor dog had been locked in the crate 23 hours. No food. No water. No getting to use the bathroom.
He escalated quickly once my sister and I started hanging out with each other. He did not like that I had friends and was social and nice to others.
“You need to look in the mirror “. His favorite statement or call me a name.
Flirting with the office girls in front of their husbands and me. Sitting on their laps. It was humiliating.
Nothing here is yours.
Are you going to give me that money?
Fearing my appointment with my Finanacial Advisor and insisting on going.
Spending all the money on ?
You need to be a SAHW.
I am embarrassed about how you are dressed when you come to town. I was coming to get feed for the farm critters.
You asked me to stop by and meet a family member.
I paid for lights for you to ride your horses at night. But you were so drunk, if I got hurt, no one would know and you would be passed out.
Sounds like the exact words stated to me. These creatures have no self respect for anyone not even themselves. What goes around definately will come around. The world evolves around this theroy without variances…believe it or not. This is true.
Just before D-day, I got a nude selfie from him, and then one Saturday afternoon, he propositioned me naked with;
“You could have had THIS!”
pointing to his abs and his dick, wearing a look of disgust on his slick mug of a face.
Right at this point in time, I could hear my three kids (aged 4, 2 and 11mo) squabbling loudly over something near the TV room and (me not being AT ALL in the mood for afternoon delight), ran out of the bedroom away from him to sort the kids out…
So, this one is perfect because my soon to be ex-husband was going to the gym with the OW (his co-worker) at lunch time and having sex with her in the parking lot after they would work out.
Her husband called to tell me…
NO RESPECT
…. Oh that’s why your browser history also had an article titled “How To Get Laid On Tinder. Kept that little bit to myself and instead went in for the kill “Do you think I’m fucking stupid?!” Clearly, he did. I was not.
So done…. soooooo done the moment I found out about the infidelity.
I got the same response to his first affair ‘you know people who are swingers and people who have open relationships, you’re OK with them. So I thought you might be OK w/this too!’
I didn’t even have to say anything, the couple’s therapist we were seeing pointed out that in those situations everyone knew what was going on and agreed to it!
And the dumbest thing of all is that if we had talked about swinging or threesomes or whatever, I probably would have been FINE w/trying it – I’m pretty adventurous – for something WE would try together! He actually made his sex life WORSE by having an affair. ‘Cause the affair made me realize that for him there was no ‘we’, only a ‘me’.
You go, girl. I totally agree with your view point. If there’s an open discussion and agreement then, WE could do something like that, but when they throw a party for two and it doesn’t involve you, then, yeah no. Totally agree that a lot more men than is probably realized, ruin what could’ve been the best and craziest sex life by having an affair and not coming to their partner who may have been open to other ideas and maybe even had some of her own.
mine cheated after ten years with a girl old enough to be my daughter and he line manger at work, and we had just started to swing at the same time, but he still thought he deserved better WTF ?
The entitlement is ridiculously.. guess I should added this line..”I felt like I had no choice.” Yeah you did, marriage counseling or divorce. He did it because he felt entitled to have what he wanted and thought I would never find out. Caring only about himself. Hard to get over that he was the one person I thought would never hurt me.
He acts like it, that’s for sure. He told one of the kids that love is ‘when you get that feeling in your stomach that makes it feel really excited. That’s when you know you’re in love’. So yes, he’s a 14 year old girl living in a grown-assed 40 year old man’s body.
Lord, that made me laugh. My ex, said he loved me but I didn’t give him butterflies or that spark that he needs. He is Peter Pan. Total narcissistic personality. A few months back he informed his sister that he “could have any woman he wanted” lol! Then last week he tried to sell me that he had changed. Ugh.
It is comforting to read others have heard the same BS and I am not “crazy” as he tries to paint me, when I stand my ground and insist on my boundaries.
I wish there was a “like” button on this site. JL and Barblicious, you both made me laugh and your comments reminded me of the movie “Hall Pass”. Have you seen it?
From an email: “Lately, we have matured as a couple and I slipped into a comfortable love. It’s not the same thing that others talk about – not a “fireworks-and-fanfare” kind of love.”
Not even three months (I think) into his ‘relationship’ with OW, he’s moved in with her and is talking about kids. I wonder how long the sparks will last…
To be honest, I found him exactly like a giggly 14 year old girl, waving his skanky arse around like a baboon. He didn’t se em to care who his collective audience was, man woman or undecided. Just the giggly attention. I always imagined his cheating to fumbling behind a bicycle shed with a quick woodbine afterwards. A louche immature yob. But the sense of entitlement, coupled with violence, projection and slandering the hell out of me was the damage. { just give me a grand, you ll never hear from me again} If only. { if you don’t, I’m reporting that outstanding tax bill you have from before I even got here}. The fall out, years down the line is still in the air. Karma , Ive heard you can be stern, but fair. Where the hell are you?????
This re
ally got me laughing, as my cheater used to send me love letters with sparkly butterfly stickers and hearts all over them. I used to tease him about being an adolescent girl…
Though I’d been feeling uncomfortable about my partner’s friendship with a colleague, I was blindsided with the nature of things when I came home from work and he’d packed a bag to leave me. Not giving me much truth, I checked out his computer when he left.
There wasn’t much (they mainly texted/sexted her STBX would later tell me), but there was an Evernote he started keeping a few months prior documenting her likes, birthday, potential gifts to get her etc. He’s 33. It included things like: Lucky number is 13. Favourite bird is flamingos (but robins in winter). Matching green jumpers at lunch! And this is an adult relationship by two people who believe they are exiting their respective relationships with “greater understanding of what they want”. At one point, prior to my knowledge of all of this, we were out walking and he asked me if I had a favourite number. And what my favourite movie was. And this line of ‘just making conversation’ made so much sense later… For the record, I’m a grown-ass woman without a lucky number.
Also got “she’s fun” and “she’s happy” with the comparison “you’re negative”.
Also “there’s something missing”. What? “Just something. Maybe it’s always been missing, but it’s grown in the last little while.” Really? Could the sense of something missing growing in you possibly correlate with you going on clandestine dates behind my back, skipping work to go look at fucking flamingos on a national trust estate? Could that be it, hmm?
“I don’t know what I want.” Well why don’t you continue to date OW in secret while you ponder the question?
After moving in with OW: “I still don’t know if I made the right decision. But you couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t take me back, so I don’t know what good these thoughts are”. Um.. damn straight I couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t!
“Is there someone else?” “No, it’s not like that!” Ahahaaha.
I heard something similar – “there’s something missing”. I found it strange that over the course of that last year, I heard things like “you don’t like soccer” and “you don’t like playing cards” as if those are some new observations. I never pretended to get excited over those things from the beginning (25 years ago) unlike his pretending to share my interests. The OW was in his ear telling him how she liked soccer and would learn how to play cards (look how much we have in common!). Appealing to his vanity and narcissism backfired though since she became frustrated that he ignored her as a person in her own right (she wrote to me).
HA. Oh, consequences… still, why would OW write to you about it?? I hope it was to apologise.
I got “you don’t like craft beer” and apparently drinking my whiskey while he drank beer was really limiting his social life? He’s pretty meh about cocktails, but OW loves ’em. She also loves partying with girls 10-13 years younger than her. Which I think he thought looked fun as well. Two months in and they’re talking kids though, so they’ll see how long the fun lasts..
Also got “you don’t like super hero movies”. I actually enjoy the smart ones. We still saw an awful lot of these in the theatre and he indulged my interests in ballet and theatre. It became a big growing gap 7 years later I guess.
‘Something missing’ is just a vague, unoriginal, lazy, variant of blame shifting.
Oh, I got the “Marriage shouldn’t be hard work” comment, along with ” if you love one another marriage shouldn’t need anyone to do work at all.” Priceless.
Welcome, Claire! You have arrived at a ‘place’ of sanity and clarity!
Yes, they have a ‘handbook’, ‘manual’, ‘playbook’, ‘script’. Whatever you call it, the Devil himself is the Author! The Devil is very un-original…..he just recycles all the same lines of poo; that’s why all of us innocent spouses hear the same drivel!
Hang tough! This is the place to help you heal. Also check out Divorce Minister, another voice of reason who contributes his wisdom here at ChumpNation, as well.
Between these 2 blogs, you will find all the answers you need to regain your sane and cheater-free life! Check out the “Resources” section on both blogs. You will also find many links to additional professional resources within comments posted by other ‘chumps’ here at the ‘Nation’. REAL resources, such as the WomensLaw.org, Dr. George Simon, William ‘Bill’ Eddy, to name a few.
Yes, there are a number of handbooks on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have a few of them too, its a special circumstance for the partner in such relationships. I just exited one, and have been learning a great deal about it. Give me a holler if you want a copy or some good links for your own research. One such awesome link is for vids offered by SPARTANLIFECOACH on YouTube – he makes it funny and easy to understand, while offering well substantiated material about it.
God some men are such idiots. Of course when his side dish bails to find more man candy he’s left wondering where his beautiful, stable, smart as hell wife went??
Sounds like the exact words stated to me. These creatures have no self respect for anyone not even themselves. What goes around definately will come around. The world evolves around this theroy without variances…believe it or not. This is true
My cheater said the same thing too – “I thought things would always be wonderful and stay the same”. These are the words of someone who doesn’t evolve. Really? You didn’t think you’d be changed by becoming a father, by experiencing setbacks and low periods, by appreciating life lessons even though they may not always be “happy”? Instead, he relies on fairy-tale notions, and blaming others if he is not “made happy”. Love is work and commitment (not just a feeling) and actually caring (not pretending to care). What’s missing is being grateful for all he had…his health, children with relatively few problems, financial security, not worrying for his safety every time he leaves the house, etc.
Thanks, NoMore…you triggered my memory with your comments……
“I tried to make you hate me, so you would go away. I don’t understand why you just wouldn’t go away!”
(Perhaps it had something to do with my marriage vows?!)
“How dare you, how DARE you even ask such a thing!!! How disrespectful!!”
(said when I questioned whether he was calling her. I had finally gotten hold of the previous 8 months’ cell phone records, a time period he had claimed to have cut it off with her, had only 2 or 3 instances of phone contact. I was trying to give him an opportunity to ‘come clean’. Yeah right….Silly me!! He had been calling her multiple times nearly everyday, as well as still seeing her. This was before texting was available)
“What I really appreciate about her is…..”
(I cut him off…did not want to hear THAT one!)
“You’re just driving us together!”
(I think they all say a version of this)
“I was planning to leave you anyway once the children were grown.”
(Well, then just leave. Don’t cheat!)
Another of his justifications was that I did not want more children. Of course not! Why would I want to continue to reproduce with a cheater & abuser?!
(His last whore was married, with 2 toddlers. He is older than HER father! She got pregnant during their affair and he was hoping it was his. Nope….was her husband’s child. As it was, she had 6 guys total she was juggling, so the odds were against him anyway! GAG!!! That’s the main reason he did not go live with her—would cramp her style!)
Yikes. Mine tried to be really rude to me on purpose for an extended time so that I would leave him. It made me WANT to leave him. It made me cry in the car while praying WISHING I hadn’t taken those vows so that I could leave him, but it did not make me actually leave him until I discovered he was having another affair. Even after that, it was a few months of shock and humiliating myself before I realized that I had the perfect opportunity to no longer be stuck in this pain. I decided that maybe I should leave while I still had biblical justification to do so.
I felt like I was in high school. I really expected more maturity than that from someone who was 30 at the time. Seriously.
Just reading through this column this morning and see your reply to my comment. (I read thru every now & again to help keep me sane! And, to get a chuckle!!)
Yup….They totally lack any maturity! They NEVER mature. In my situation, CheaterPants was late 40’s when he spat out all those lovely words and did all those lovely things to ‘make me hate him’. (Sorta worked…..l don’t ‘hate’ him. Just no longer love him or give a flip!)
Now, he is almost 60 and he is actually getting worse. Which is par for the course with the disordered. Defies the laws of nature, of physics, of everything! Now, the ‘Stupid Poo’ he says is in conversations with our grown child, as I rarely speak to him. And, boy are they doosies!
My son shares with me and boy! do we get rolling on the floor laughing at his crazy spew. Yep, l do believe l have reached the amazing Land of Meh! (PS: This year, wedding anniversary falls on a Tuesday! How Divine!)
I would always say I would leave if he ever hit me. A month before we were arguing and he hit me. First time in 19 years I was shocked. He said I know what this means. He wanted me to leave. I was standing there and my daughter walked out and said what’s going on and I couldn’t do it. When I found out about the cheating. I kicked him out but he wasn’t man enough to leave on his own.
From what I’ve read “I love you but I’m not in love with you” isn’t their license to cheat. It’s actually the result of the affair.
They start out cheating for the thrill or whatever, but then they feel sparks and butterflies. Because the marriage isn’t new or illicit, they don’t feel the same sparks and butterflies and start thinking something must be wrong with the marriage. Because, hey, they are sparkly little pre-teens trapped inside a grown person’s body and they honestly do not understand the difference between mature love and sparklies. Once they become addicted to the affair sparkles, cheaters come up with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” line as an excuse to justify their new sparkly source of kibbles.
Because, it sounds so much better to them to say that stupid line than to admit that they need kibbles.
Agree with I love you but not in love with you being result of affair not cause. I think we all got that line. If they truly loved us but no longer in love and were a decent human being then they come and talk to you about it. You both end lovingly and both get established in new life and healing before entering any type of other relationship. It is called breaking up and starting over and in doing so respecting each other and the union that you once had.
I am not IN love with you
I don’t feel passion with you like I do with her
We have fun together
I wasn’t happy
I just want casual relationships
I always wanted a 3some and knew you wouldn’t do that
I am torn
I never wanted to hurt you (despite F*(&ing a girl in a parking lot at the gym, DAILY)
I never thought you would find out
We weren’t having sex
She looks at me the way you used to
Ugh
When we (primary gf and me, unknowing second gf) confronted him on Christmas. He peeped thru the door and said:
Monster: “I live a double life, ok!”
Us: “Why did u do this to us!!?!”
Monster: “Nothings ever enough!”
Primary GF: “We’ve been together 4 years!”
Monster: “The relationship has been over for 2 years”
Me: “What the fuck is wrong with u?!?!”
Monster: “I like variety ok. I guess I’m good at it”
The spark is the bane of my fucking existence! Apparently that’s the most important thing ever. That GD MFing SPARK! And ILYBINILWY. That I KNOW came after the hookup. I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt you. I need to find my happiness. The marriage was over and you didn’t love me anymore. (THAT’S why I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in the last two months! Because I DIDN’T CARE ANYMORE!)
I think I posted this already somewhere else on the site, but I got the I DIDN’T CARE ANYMORE too….he said “you didn’t even care enough to ask me if I was cheating”. But when I asked him if he would have answered truthfully, he said “probably not”. He just wanted the drama of me worrying that he was cheating. It’s nuts really.
“She works on My team. Of course, I have to have lunch alone with her. And I walk to the train with her every night, too. What’s Your Problem? I’ll be fired if I don’t. You just want me to lose my job.”
“I don’t have to wear my wedding ring to prove I love you, of course I love you. I don’t think I should have to Prove anything.”
I was married to a over-intelligent, charming sub-human with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Interestingly, all my, male friends refer to him as a douchebag. My former female friends just made excuses for him.) I put up with way too many years of mindfuck. I was slowly, over years, being driven crazy – I had no clue what was happening, he was so good at twisting everything around that I couldn’t think straight.
He had emotional affairs and threw it in my face – “You should be grateful I didn’t stick my dick into her,” and then he resented me for it. Threw him out March 2010. 4 days after I filed for divorce, Surprise! he had a new girlfriend – the one from the top quote. He got rid of her and begged to come back in Oct 2010. He even started wearing his wedding ring – yeah, that was an impressive move (no, I did not take him back). Divorce final July 2011. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. It’s a slow heal, but I’m getting clearer and stronger everyday. Thank you, thank you, for your website! Your writing is great – I really enjoy it. Reading it has helped me a lot, and I imagine it’s helped a lot of other women, too.
Thanks THO. Boy he sounds like a real asswipe. Grateful he didn’t stick his dick in her? I’d reply “You should be grateful I don’t chop it off.” He’s astounded you don’t want the wonderfulness that is him BACK? LOL. Congrats on getting out of that. All the best to you.
I had a very similar experience. My ex carried on a lengthy affair with a co-worker. When I confronted her about it she said “he was my boss, what was I supposed to do?” My response….REPORT HIM
mine got fired bcz she was one of his managers, then they both got jobs at the same company again ( I believe he helped get her hired in) so they were still working together but she wasn’t directly under him at work so she could still be directly under him out of work. jackholes. BUT I am a bitch and a liar since I planned the divorce and didn’t tell him until I filed.
Honestly, you’re the bitch if you divorce him and you would still be the bitch somehow if you didn’t. I think you made the right choice because now he has to find someone else to be HIS bitch.
My ex blamed me for ending the marriage (after finding out about serial cheating for 25 years)…he said “I decided to stay, but you told me to move out – so it’s your fault the family will be broken”
Oh, yeah…..I remember being told similar. He wrote an email and said:
“Remember, you are the one that rejected me!” …..because I was the one that actually finally moved out of the marital home.
Oh, oh another……in a txt about a year ago, he says this really stupid line: “I told you, you could come home!” I made NO response. crickets…..
Seriously?!? Are you freakin’ kidding me?! Oh, just what I was prayin’ for, your ‘permission’ to get back on the ‘crazy train’. My son about lost his lunch laughing when I shared this.
Son’s response? “Oh, how thoughtful of him! Home? To what?! A lying, cheating a______?! And, that’s not even your house! (sold marital home) Yeah, bet you are really ‘up’ for that!”
Forge on, all….ForgeOn!
Jackiesays
Yeah, LOL I got that one too! “I told you, you could come home!” I also got cheating made me realize how much I love you. Wow, so in 25 years he could not know he loved me until you cheated? His AP had another AP and lied to him playing same game on him as he did me. He says to me, why couldn’t she just tell me? Why did she have to sneak and lie?
oneonefouronesays
Another one here for a variant of “But YOU kicked ME out.” Yes, and when I said you could take a few minutes to gather your things it turned out you’d packed a bag ready to go, toothbrush, phone charger and all. And when I said “You packed a bag?” STBX still looked my in the eye and said “No, I just have some clothes around from cycling to work.”
TKMsays
My soon to be X was still wearing his wedding ring months after he walked out the door and into the OW house. My daughter,age 14, one day on one of their rare meetings just asked him out of the blue for the wedding band back “because she didn’t want him using that wedding band if he married the whore and since he was such a cheap bastard he probably would”. My daughter felt since I had given it to him in love he didn’t deserve it or what it represented.
Separated from a cheating narc with bi-polar, PTSD and addiction issues. Been together 8 years. 4 months after our wedding he had an affair and the husband of the OW called to tell me. He strung me along for 8 months till I finally ended it. Despite him telling me when I kicked him out that he was living in his car and throwing up from anxiety, he was and still is living with her.
The 8 years of mindfuck is ending but the damage is still there.
If you neglect me I know I’ll go and find me someone who will be there for me.
It wasn’t intimate. I never kissed her. I just threw a rubber on and stuck my dick in her.
Me: Why is there a broken up condom box in the garbage since we don’t use them?
Him: I gave some to a family member and then I opened up the new box just in case.
Me: Why is there a used rubber on the side of the bed?
Him: Oh, I used it when I masturbated to see what it would feel like.
Me: (while folding his laundry) Um..whose underwear are these?
Him: I take it they aren’t yours?
Me: Um, No.
Him: Oh, one time so and so came by and had to use my washer and dryer because hers wasn’t working.
Me: Gee, I noticed these two long red hairs in the bathtub. I haven’t showered here in weeks and the hair is perfectly straight (mine is curly). Did someone take a shower besides you?
Him: Hmm….I’m the only one that took a shower yesterday. (then a few days later) Oh, I looked at the hairs, I think they are my underarm hair.
Me: Oh, I saw this note on the floor that said you would be seeing someone at 7:30 in the morning with a smiley face on it. Are you talking your ex-gf somewhere in the mornings?
Him: Gee, I don’t know what note you are referring to. I might have written that to my son when I had to do some work. And, no..she’s had a dentist appointment a while back early in the morning but I don’t know of anything else. (I overheard her tell him she would see him in the morning).
Me: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him: NO!
Me again: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him again: No!
Me after hearing him talk to her and say that what they had was the best thing that never happened: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him: Well, we did it once when you and I were broken up. But, I was lonely and it only happened once.
“Me: Gee, I noticed these two long red hairs in the bathtub. I haven’t showered here in weeks and the hair is perfectly straight (mine is curly). Did someone take a shower besides you?
Him: Hmm….I’m the only one that took a shower yesterday. (then a few days later) Oh, I looked at the hairs, I think they are my underarm hair.”
OMG…I had the same thing happen to me. Except my NPD told me they were long carpet fibers and NOT the hair of his SUPPOSED Ex-Girlfriend that he had supposedly broken up with months before we got together. She had Long, dark hair, like the ones I found in the shower. Aka carpet fibers per the lying mind screwer. Nothing but crazy making,
He’s as good a liar as my ex. We were supposed to be reconciling and the other woman called him. She was talking loudly, so I could hear it was a woman’s voice. Shaken up, he said he’d be right there. I asked who that was. He said it was his boss who, ironically enough, is a man with a manly voice. I said, “Really, because this is the first time he ever sounded like a woman.” My ex tried to play it off like I was just all paranoid.
Could have gotten away with it too. All he had to say is that it was his mom, but he picked a man instead.
“Why did you buy a new box of condoms? We weren’t running low and you’ve never previously bought them because of course our sexual health should be part of the rest of my emotional labour in this relationship.”
STBX: “I was experimenting on myself with a dildo while you were away and I read it’s better for hygiene.”
Oh it took me awhile (not all those happened at once) but I am finally done with that piece of crap. 3 years of this I tolerated. He was an alchie too. I learned my lesson and am taking care of me.
You’d like her. She’s just like you. (Oh puleeeze. I’ve never prostituted myself. I have never handed my children over to my mother-in-law to raise. I’ve never moved into the bed of a married man……and that’s just the beginning of the horrors this cheap whore committed.)
She had no choice. She made so much more money. (She made so much more money hooking because she only has a grade six education and can’t speak English.)
How about you get me 95% of the time and she only gets me 5% of the time on Sunday afternoons. And you’ll get the new, better me. (Wow. How generous of you!)
(If he ever finds his way here he’ll recognize himself! What kind of pathetic moron says shit like this?)
My 4yr old daughter found the homemade cartoony birthday card his whore made for him detailing their entire relationship entitled ” How to win the girl…” on the floor of the guest room he was sleeping in after serving me divorce papers. #1 Go to France # 2 was ” Stay up all night drinking rose.” This was in Cannes on a business trip 2 weeks before he served me papers… ME: You cheated on me. HIM: I didn’t cheat on you. ME: YOU STAYED UP ALL NIGHT DRINKING ROSE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. HIM: I drank wine with a lot of people on that trip, get a a grip. We were getting a divorce.” ME: We were? Nobody told me???
He also is a total narcissist, alcoholic and prescription pill addict who talks about how much he hates himself when he’s so messed up on pills and drunk. He’s also 100% in denial of this. So when I asked for drug and alcohol testing because I was concerned about my 4yr old daughters in his care, he told his lawyer that I was bipolar, had borderline personality disorder and that I was unstable. Also found out he had been calling my friends and family without my knowledge for months before the divorce telling them the same things because he was “so concerned” about me.
Fun Fact: I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental illness by any of the 3 therapists I’ve seen over the past 10 years. HOLY GASLIGHTING BATMAN. So after telling his lawyer this they filed motions for a a custody evaluation and a psych eval. Nice guy.
So after gaslighting me all year, cheating on me, serving me divorce papers when my kids were home, making false allegations about my mental health…he has since failed 3 soberlink tests, has a new girlfriend who is 12 years younger than him that he has taken to Mexico, Sundance Film Festival ( instead of celebrating his daughters 5th birthday) and yet another beach vacation last weekend, 3 times in contempt of court… and you guessed it, I am to blame for everything. Remorse? Ha ha what’s that? *sigh*
Oh my gawd. My ex said the same. “You would get along with her, you toward so alike.” When I told his mother and sister that I was insulted by that they said I should be, as his own mother refers to her as “the skank” and was highly embarrassed by the alcoholic drama this woman (and him) caused his family.
Wow, it is incredible how “cookie-cutter” these people seem to be. Maybe there should be a checklist before people enter a relationship to avoid these types all together!
My STBXH had a couple of emotional affairs during the 7 years before we were married (I know. Why the hell did I say I-do ). But the icing on the cake came just after our 1 year weddin g anniversary, me 28 weeks pregnant with our first child, ANOTHER woman….. Of course just a friend! Me, so afraid of being on my own at this time in My life let reigns go completely. I let him do, what he wanted, when he wanted because after all, the reason he reached out to other women in the first place is because I was too controlling with money, I didn’t trust him (for due reason) I wouldn’t let him pursue his dream of driving interstate (away 6 days at a time). He assured me he was not speaking with this woman anymore…. I gave up all control of money, did not question where abouts or look at his phone, let him go and work away just as our daughter was born.
5 months later I find a photo message and it all unwravels….. $50k in the red!! An ice addiction, an affair with the same “woman” (also a married mother of a one year old) plus prostitutes coming out the wha zoo!
But the excuses I got were the icing on the cake! “I only spoke to her because I didn’t want to bother you, you were so busy with the baby”
“I only took ice so I could stay awake on the weekend when I was home and help you around the house”(never helped)
I sold the house and moves out
He of course blamed me for breaking the family unit, and my favourite “I would have never walked out on you!” To which I always replies you did when you left me with a newborn to pursue YOUR drram, when you had a year long affair with another woman, slept with probably hundreds of prostitutes and spent all of your family’s money “but I never LEFT you” ? The stupidity …. Of him but more so me!
That’s not fair. Your his wife, why should you have to put up with his “fabulousness” 95% of the time when she’s only stuck with him 5% of the time? That ratio should be flipped so she’s stuck with him 95% of the time. Was he afraid if she got to see him most of the time, she’d realize what he was really like faster and dump him.
My Xw would spout an assortment of vague , new agish gibberish, usually including some reference to ” connection”,” sexualized chemistry”, “unmet emotional needs” and her “spirituality”.
I could never understand WTFshe was talking about. Of course, I may have been a lttle too tired, working all day, and taking care of our kids by myself all the time while she “journaled about FOO issues” at a local hotel bar(convenient, eh?) where she would pick up strangers and bed them.
Guess they “connnected ” with her, and , almost instantly, met her emotional needs while sexualizing the chemistry between them.
How this moron ever functioned in the real world is beyond me. Guys tolerated it(36dd’s may have had something to do with that) , but women , quite quickly, detested her.
Yeah, I love that phrase. She was always a quick study in the new age gibberish realm. She often would greet me, post divorce, with “Namaste”. Her new husband, who divorced her after afew years of her crap, was the beret wearing, petulie oil wreaking , man purse type(much more “spiritually evolved” despite having cheated on his first wife, and, evenntually, on my XW , too).
The rules do not apply to these folks. That is for the peasantry.
Yeah, my STBX had a years-long “friendship” with one of those new-agey types. He purchased angel cards, some sort of pendulum so he could get messages from his angels, had chakra oils, etc. etc. One of his biggest complaints of me is that we didn’t have sexual chemistry. And also, I just wasn’t “spiritually evolved” enough. I did the “pick me” dance for years because we had a daughter and (I thought) had built a life together. And yes, I’m humiliated that I did. Because eventually, he met someone else 20 years younger (who apparently was willing to leave her spouse for him) and here I am trying to heal and move forward while he is living life like a single 20-something. (We’re both in our 50s.) Am I bitter? Just a little. Will I be better off without the jerk? Absolutely.
Hey, watch it. You have 9 male cartoons to 3 female. I think it is pretty well accpeted that women cheat more than men(just trying to stir the pot. One of my least favorite debates)
Karen, he was only kidding (the stirring the pot comment ). We know men are much more in the majority when it comes to cheating. It is why I like to say I live in opposite land or, in a “Superman” reference. Bizzaro world. I talk to the single moms and single moms that are remarried all the time about the hardships of rasing two kids basically alone. One even calls me her single mom work friend, I don’t mind because I take it as a compliment.
I do love this website and the Ego Kibbles and the chump concept.. greatness.
Actually, Tom, we do not know that. Many studies show it is about 50/50 in the under 65 bracket and it is only the women over 65 inclusion that is keeping the stats more toward men cheating more often.
A couple studies show that in the 25-45 bracket, women cheat more frequently.
Old Chump – ouch…what an ass. I remember my ex fretting over the fact that I would be menopausal…back a decade before it started to actually happen. It was unusual since he didn’t ever seem to be interested in my health…whether during pregnancy or whatever. I slowly realized though, that he was worrying about whether I would be capable to “service” him…anticipating I would be too old so he sought out a younger replacement – I was so naive to think he actually might have cared about ME and the changes…no, he was just an attention-centered narcissist.
Love that flawless logic. Let’s think this through. He’s basically saying:
She’s nice, she’s a Christian, she just doesn’t really believe in living by her Christian beliefs. And I’m a husband who took vows, I just don’t really believe in living by them. So, see we’re both hypocrites. That’s why we are so attracted to each other. But, really, like I said, she’s a NICE hypocrite. I’m sorry I can’t be married to you anymore, I just discovered you are not a hypocrite and I need to be with my own kind.
He’s Catholic, I’m an atheist (spiritual, though, in a sense). He liked her for a lot of reasons, she has money, she’s fun, likes to drink, she’s Catholic, she is a mother, and she said yes to sex because he told her I wouldn’t mind (I, too, am a Liberal), and his buddies felt that I wouldn’t either.
You should also know that she was a mutual friend of ours for many years, and when I saw her on her way to sleep with him in his bachelor escape pad (he said it was a real estate investment), she told me to get counselling, that it had nothing to do with her, it was my problem. This, after I cried and told her I was devastated.
Well, she either already knows, or she’ll find out later that his Google search history includes such choice entries as “Christian Girls, Anal Sex” … and a whole truckload of porn sites on doing it with mothers. So I may be an atheist, but at least I have my integrity.
Oh, yes. I forgot. That’s something else he likes about her, her integrity.
Haha, I got the she looks just like you only slimmer line too! And if you met her you would really like her. And she feels so bad about what’s happened. And them the best line – so we can all be one big happy new super family! Stunned by the seriously fucked up words coming out of his mouth I asked how he thought this was all going to work. He had it all planned – he would live with her but come several nights a week and spend time with us. And he was serious!
A month after he proposed to me, he used MY laptop to chat with a girl that he had sex with a year before (we were split for like 5 months) . I read it, he invited her to go out and get drunk with him and hangout. He said how cute she still looked and she gushed and said “oh nuh uh im totally ugly” Of course the fish for compliments……he was hooked giving her more compliments…….His response when confronted “Oh I wasnt actually going to hang out with her, I just wanted to see if she still had feelings for me”
Me “Why do her feelings matter to you now?”
Him “I dont know Its nice when other girls compliment me” -_- He cheated, we arent together……
Yep, mine cheated starting when our son and I got back home out of NICU. While I was taking care of our preemie newborn, he was on work courses for months at a time nationally and internationally and hooking up on all of them. My psych summarised it by saying that once the attention wasn’t all on him anymore (I’d practically lived for him) then he had to get others to stroke his ego… lots of others! Classic narcissist! When I asked why he needed so many different women (online and in real life) he explained that if one wasn’t available when it suited him, he would just get another one to meet his ‘needs’. Apparently women are just instruments of gratification… divorce next month!!! WOOHOO!!!!!
Not sure if you’ll ever see this, Chumped too. But I can totally relate to what you said about what happened after your child was born. My STBX acted so jealous of our son. I didn’t realize it was jealousy until recently, but something was “off” about his behavior when we got home from the hospital. And I’m not the only one who witnessed it. My mom and sister thought some of his behavior was odd. He’s a total narc, but only recently figured that out. And when I was pregnant again (planned) less than a year later, he turned all cold and mean on me. I was convinced he was having an affair. He probably was in some capacity. Thanks for sharing about after you gave birth. It makes me feel like I wasn’t crazy after-all.
My stbx husband was cheating online on Second Life for years, even flew out of state to meet a woman whom he continued to have an online affair with until I got cancer. Did that slow him down? OHN!! His infidelity then kicked into overdrive, and he finally started seeing a local whore (how convenient). Finally, once month after coming off of chemo and radiation, I fled. He’s still trying to win me back (Are you trying to push me into her arms?) but the divorce is moving forward.
Yeah, he and I split about a year ago. Now, of course, he’s a mess and calls and cries about how sorry he is and (get this) how much “he knows getting me back would make such a big difference in HIS life.”
I told mine that he kept pushing me around. This was after he had at least two affairs that I knew of, tried to tell me I was paranoid for not letting him go to a swinger party to see his “friends” and had the nerve to be talking to his mistress on the phone when they were supposed to be over. His response to being told he was pushing me around: Really, I have?
Ah, the situational truth ploy. I know it well. There is NO reality, no truth. It’s all malleable. Situational. That’s YOUR reality, but me, I’ve constructed a nice one here in which I Am Never Wrong. What? You don’t recognize my reality?! How dare you!
Another one he used to play. He saw things his way, and I saw them in my way according to him. Therefore, of course I “needed to see what he said as a lie. You need that to feel better about yourself.”
“No jerk! I see what you said as a lie because it was a lie and it hurt to know you were dishonest with me cheese breath!”
….. ” we’ll of course you see it that way, you need to feel hurt to make yourself the victim and me the bully…. ”
So according to him, he never lied, (even though he DID LIE) it was just my old family dynamics I was playing out. So I never got an acknowledgement, let alone an honest apology or change in behavior. No he always upped the ante and created bigger and better lies, since he never really lied (according to HIS theory, I was taking what he said and twisting it around to make it sound like a lie).
Holy crap mine pulled that line, too! He looked so ashamed when I said “That’s fucking BULL SHIT. I asked you repeatedly to your face if you were cheating or wanting to see other people.” Nice try. He’s also kept saying “Will you get off your moral high horse?” Yeah, I move in and share my bed and desires and fears with someone I feel no moral obligation to be honest with. I guess not, morality is out the window. Another: “I thought we cohabitated well.” REALLY?? I hated smelling your farts and cleaning your bathroom, buying your groceries and paying your bills (he whined that I demanded splitting everything) and roommates don’t force sex on one another.
That is soooo familiar to me at the moment. Since he left, I have found out about at least 5 women. He is still denying it (trying to control what I think of him), and when that gets him nowhere, it’s back to “well you are clearly just going to believe what you want to believe”.
Im in this same situation…. I’ve found evidence of another affair he denied said i was crazy didn’t want to talk about again. Now keeps trying to get some from me- i don’t understand- one minuet wants a divorce next wants to rub me & make me feel good???????
Mine told me he doesn’t lie he only pacifies…what? Oh You mean telling me what it is you think I want to hear so that I don’t give you any grief or make it difficult for you to run off and cheat on me! That is not lying????? He really doesn’t think so. He thinks that if he says the right things then it makes him look good regardless of whether or not there is any truth or follow up! He is so bad about his delusion on this I wonder about his grip on reality at times.
My wife had a good explanation for all her lies, they were all done so as not to hurt me but she would be honest now if I let her see the kids for a weekend trip she wanted to take them on. Of course it turned out she was trying to impress her 30 yr old boyfriend with her Mother of the year skills and took them all (boyfriend included) to my home in Chicago. Apparently defiling our bed wasn’t enough she needed to toss in our starter home from 18 years ago that was now a rental property.
Responsibleformesays
I also got “well you’ll believe what you want to believe”
Ummm – dude. The DNA test was conclusive. Everything else was circumstantial but online adverts are pretty damning when asking for “discreet liaisons”
Lol
2 years out the lines are now more amusing than upsetting.
After 24 years of marriage, I was blindsided the day after Christmas 3 years ago when I suspected something. This was his reply to my question about the suspicions:
“Think I like crab cakes for Thanksgiving?” Ex bought the crab & made the cakes!
“I want new sexual experiences.” Ex wasn’t talking about having them with me.
“They were only $30 earring from J.C. Penny.” As if the cheapness made it ok – later I found out it was $60 bracelet from a fine jeweler.
“You have a job not a career.” I had the same job for the last 12 years – this from a man making 6 figures.
“I deserve to be happy.” The classic whine of a cheating man.
He cheated because of crab cakes? You can have me over for Thanksgiving dinner ANY TIME. I hope your holidays are bright and happy and full of crab cake enjoyment with his absence.
I keep thinking of the crab cakes. STBX used to love what I cooked and baked, and used to post photos on Facebook. Once he started seeing OW, he stopped. Also, he now dislikes a lot of the foods he used to say he liked.
I wonder if he’ll tell me he cheated because I didn’t fix him enough Campbell’s soup.
I can do better than ‘I deserve to be happy’. I asked ‘is your happiness more important than the happiness of your children?’. The answer: yes, yes my happiness is more important than the happiness of my children.
Been There Done That – I heard the same thing. My youngest has deep depression with suicidal tendencies and has been in and out of institutions 5 times in the last year living with him.
He is engaged to a woman who makes much money which makes him very happy, and he told me I would like her if I met her. Blech!
OMG… I (XH cheaterpants) deserve to be happy… WTF… Do I (me the chump) deserve to be happy too? What about our son? Or all the people hurt by what both of you did, do they deserve to be happy? or is it JUST you and the OW (my one time very good friend)? Was there any thought about ANYONE ELSE or did you just not care about anybody but yourselves… Holy Crap, the balls on some people.
My ex and the ow truly believe that if they are happy, eventually everyone will be happy. Love triumphs right? ours didn’t why the fuck do you think the “love” you and OW will? It’s different? It’s special? Really? like ours was? ya right… good luck with that. Oh and keep your job please because she make like 0 money and has 2 daughters that she is going to need money to pay for therapy and weddings and college… besides your own child that you are going to have to spoil rotten to maintain a realtionship with when he gets to be a teen. Fucking Idiots.
Of course the malignantly selfish only think about themselves.
Which leads to: Happiness (while important) should not be the highest value. Doing the right things (per normal ethics) should be.
(Normal ethics like being truthful is good, lying is bad…not stealing is good, stealing is bad….providing for your children’s health and welfare first (since you chose to have them) is good, taking financial resources for your own “Happiness” while your children go deprived, is bad….things most of us agree are good versus bad.)
Doing the right things brings happiness to ethical people.
The exact same words I heard from my ex about the OW!
I asked if he was attracted to her;
His reply, ‘Yeah she’s cool’
I asked to clarify what that means,
Him: ‘It means I think she’s cool, that’s all there is to it’.
Confronted him about his poor boundaries;
Him: ‘If I wanted to cheat on you, you wouldn’t even know about it’.
‘I believe love is about finding the right person at the right time and place. You’re the right person but maybe not at this time’ and ‘Fate will bring us together if we’re meant to be’
‘Every situation is unique, not everything is as it seems or are the same’ (him trying to rationalize his actions)
‘Your anger and accusations are something I don’t want to see in my future partner or wife’
same here, “just a good friend”, “she was cool” oh that sentence, ” that’s all there is to it” that, he used to use it, when he was lying and when he wanted to shut the conversation down, like;
“I never touched her, that’s all there is to it.” he did.
” I am not talking about this anymore, that’s all there is to it” by the way we didn’t talk about anything, he was using gaslighting tactic.
“you are killing US with this, let it go” he wanted sweep everything under the rug without a word, ummmm no fucktard, your serial cheating, lying killed us.
anytime a men refers to a woman as in she is “cool” watch out! it means there is much more there than you know!
EWWWW…..Yuck…..the ‘let it go’ phrase. Ugly one, that……Seems to be universal, though…….
How about this one:
“THAT is NONE of your concern!!”
Oh, really? Those vows you said on our wedding day make everything you do MY CONCERN!
He would spit this ‘go-to’ phrase out of his mouth anytime I got too close to the truth or an issue that was uncomfortable for him. (Which was pretty much everything!)
Yet, just a few weeks back, (we were in the process of selling our family home of 22 years, so we had to talk) in justifying the lack of conversations on this or any other ‘couple’ or solution-seeking subject:
“Well, YOU just refused to talk about anything!!”
hmmmmm….WHO refused to talk about it? Delusional…..Interesting, but they are all that way. Plus, that is one of the things his bio-feedback sessions turned up about him…..he is delusional….but the sessions also revealed he is careless, disordered & other assorted negative things I already knew. Imagine that!!!! lol! (Interesting therapy, this biofeedback. VERY accurate in reading the messages from the body, emotions and subconscious.)
wow that’s a good one!! Well whatever you do now is “none of his concern!” and he can also go jump off a cliff! and then having the nerve to tell YOU “Well, YOU just refused to talk about anything!!” that right there, truly shows, what a gaslighting, disordered POS he really is! They are all delusional and sick in the head!
Patsy,
here is another huge red flag. If you find he had/ have a good female friend/coworker or whatever, that he spoke to regularly, but you NEVER heard him mention her name to you ever because “he already fucked her” and by any chance if her name does ever come up, then he will say she is nice, she is/was cool, just a good friend…and you can take that to the bank!
I just had this doozy of an exchange with my STBX the other day:
She said: “It just wasn’t that kind of affair, it wasn’t serious.”
“Allow me to quote from your email answering the one about your boyfriend’s house hunt, with pictures” I said (the one I found on D-day): ” ‘Oh, love! It’s wonderful, it’s so close to your office that you’ll be able to come home for lunch, and in that huge kitchen I’ll be able to cook wonderful food for you.’ ”
“Oh,” she answered “I honestly don’t remember that, you have much better memory about my affair than I do.”
Ha! I actually heard the ex on the phone with a prostitute. When everything finally came out years later and I asked him about it, again, he claimed not to remember it. THEN said “why do you always remember all the negative things?”
Ww ‘ your wive calls her married other man love funny i think our spouses are together as my husband mow calls him love ‘ funny i wounder if she knows he still pays all bills here mortgage food clothing and yes drives me where i need 2 go ‘ conversation today i asked him if he thought i wanted him back ‘ him you talking 2 me i said to make it fair i would have to boink her husband funny he hung up lol rotflmao lol dang these cheaterpants n cumdumbster they are sorry
After pushing me through several haystacks of fuckedupness, dropping out of a “family” holiday at the last moment (£700 down the drain) and feigning a heart attack, he finally decided: “I want out.”
My reject did Dday a few days before the family summer vacation too!!
After the reject left and our 14 year called him a looser and his GF a whore he didn’t contact our daughter for weeks. I personally have ceased all contact except tondo with lawyers. So at the first lawyer meeting while he is whining about how much he loves and misses his daughter I asked him why he hadn’t made any effort to contact her in many weeks. His response was “well, he had sent 1 email and she hadn’t emailed back. It was all her fault”. Of course his lawyer looks at him like what the fuck is wrong with you? I said to him in front of the lawyers ” you’re the adult here, not your 14 year old. She is a teenager who is pissed at your shitty and thoughtless decisions and your inability to act like a responsible parent. It is not her job to suck up to you, she didn’t do anything wrong. It is your job to act like a grown up for once in your life and understand she is both a teenager (not very interested in you anyway under normal circumstances) and pissed off because you have crapped all over her.”. My daughter cut off the kibble supply immediately and the pick me dance for about a month and then when she got sufficient evidence he was never going to pick her over the OW she dumped his sorry excuse as a father and never looked back. I wish I had has her insight and strength – it took me a good 6 months longer to get where she is.
During the initial false reconciliation my STBX told me the affair made him a better person.
I was speechless.
I guess since an affair involves lying and cheating and deceiving, that engaging in all those behaviors magically makes him or anyone a better person.
When I asked him how he would feel if I had an affair so that I could become a “better person”, he went berserk and started accusing me of already having had an affair.
How about this? I think I submitted these earlier, but not sure where they went?
First one: Cheater: I did NOT tell her I love her. Me: Really? Because in the text I read she said ‘love you,’ and you said ‘you too.’ What did that mean? Cheater: I dunno.
Second one (upon me kicking his sorry ass out) – ‘Losing you is like losing 1,000,000 of my prized guitar.’
“how could I tell you, you’d just get hysterical! You can’t handle the truth, you have emotional issues”. Yeah, imagine that, I’d get emotional after my husband of 20 years discloses out of the blue (after the week prior telling me he I was everything to him and he’d never been happier). Crazy bitch I am!
I meant to post, I should have left at the beginning, since mine said something similar to this to me at the start. I was young and naive and didnt know hell I was getting into. When I heard, ” I didn’t tell you because I knew how upset you would get… You get too upset…you feel too much… ” I knew I was screwed.
Haha, all I wanted was the relief of him saying “I’m not satisfied and I want out.” I wasn’t going to grab his ankles. I said “Awesome, at last. Please, go.” And I went on vacation and had hot sex with someone else- which he called during, to ask whose plates were whose. I laughed and said, “Yours, don’t care,” which kissing my new man. Later when he brought up the phone call, he said “You were all upset and crying when I asked about the plates.” I called him out- WTF? I was drinking vodka and grinding on a strange dick, glad you were finally no longer making me miserable.
It’s like they think they’re doing us a FAVOR by hanging around our daily lives and while risking our venereal health! (And their memories get twisted, too.)
Scary there are so many of the same…
debdebsays
“I have been a wonderful husband to you, other than the affairs.” Which had been going on for 17 years of our 24 year marriage. I had no idea…
Hahaha…I got ‘why do you have to take a hammer to 20 good years and just destroy all the memories?’…this after I found out he’d been cheating for a minimum of 13 of those years. I apparently destroyed them all with feeling like they meant nothing.
Oh, and my all time favourite? ‘Maybe we could be together in five or ten years but right now I don’t see us as a couple’.
I got this too. And then this week, he pointed to the fact that I didn’t know he was cheating on me with five other women (his affairs are conducted in the town where he works, a half hour from here, and overseas where he does research) as proof that I “wasn’t paying attention to him,” which, of course, justifies the cheating.
I got the ‘I was a dutiful husband’ line…oh and the ‘she’s really a nice girl’…really? Yeah, because ‘dutiful’ husbands and ‘nice’ girls go off and screw all the time…Gimme a break.
Hahaha~~You know what mine said after I caught him sneaking off to the Econo Lodge with Skank Woman? “We can make this marriage work!”
Bawhahahahh~~~!!
oh, boy. I got the “But there were times when it was so good,” (he was always cheating from day 1.) Oh, you mean when I started faking it because you’d rape me til you believed you were a man and won your orgasm merit badge? Orgasms take trust to happen with a lot of us, and that mf was all shadiness and lies.
“We’re just good friends.” (Always a bad sign, but I didn’t know that at the time.)
“I was just trying to help her with some personal problems she was going through.” (She was going through marriage problems, probably because she was cheating on her husband with mine.)
“All we did was talk.” (For about ten minutes before they jumped into bed.)
“We never had sex.” (They did, of course.)
“I had some feelings for her, but it didn’t last very long.” (Two years.)
“Let’s do something to hep a friend. She is going to try to save up for a deposit for a flat. I will subdivide my shed [where he keeps his beer fridge and computer games, ie where he sits and talks to her for hours on phone] and make a room [so she can move in]. It wil be so good for our family – our kids are like siblings.”
This is him sitting on our bed late at night (woke me up to “have a talk”), holding my hand, saying let him be the husband who makes the decisions for our fmaily.
And he was in the middle of affair with her.
I can’t remember if it was before or after he had convinced me that his SMSs to her “I love you” and “sexybum” were just him teasing a friend.
After which, he put a lock on his phone so I did not see any more.
Oh Mandy, we may be soul mates… or maybe married to the same guy at least… That’s how my xh and the ow (my very good friend) got together, talking about how screwed up their mutual spouses are… Their horrible marriages made better by fucking their best friends spouses… yep that worked, everything is all better now and life is perfect… HA!!
Ya married 12 years 2 kids , helped put her through school to get her PhD…just realized that I’m a nice guy. ( the book no more Mr nice guy helped me fix that issue ) A year after D-day still together but i think i’m finally coming out of the fog.
Well, the motto here is leave a cheater, gain a life. It’s not that I’m not a “fan,” it’s that I’ve seen very few convincing cases of it. Don’t know the details in your story, but it sucks to be the marriage police and do the mental gymnastics required to get past the affair. Also, I’ve not seen a lot of cheaters who can sustain the hard work at rebuilding and giving up ego kibbles. Read around here, my views on it are pretty spelled out. Good luck to you. The whole limbo thing sucks hugely.
Yes, I did get a version of that, in the form of “It was just sex!”. Except that I found out later he sometimes spent the $400 a pop just taking his favorite hookers out to dinner (no sex involved). He was also sexting them all day long, around 1500 texts a month to his favorites.
Glad you found out. Here’s to happier new years sans perverts!
He didn’t know prostitution was illegal? I knew that well before I was legal. I sincerely hope you just stared at him blankly after hearing that so he could listen to what he just said.
testimonial: anything I’ve read that f*uckees think was stupid, crazy,foolish,etc. I can probably match or better, did longer, more often, played with higher stakes,there’s a book I want to read,”The Addicted Brain”,Michel Kuhar,it sounds like I might relate, being f*ucked must be a sick need to prove insistently how terrible I am..naturally all the f*ckers have impressed that upon me endlessly, so I believed it. This ‘technique’ is grammar school stuff for the f*ckers and is the chief ingredient when they bake their cake. I told my last one “hmm,’holy matrimony’, the only things ‘holy’ in yours are the holes in her head and the one in your A**”..not to mention the one in my head…
During my fog of going all-out to try to save my marriage, which included an early morning episode of me doing my wifely duty on my knees (to completion for him), I was told that I had “manipulated him” into this situation because he was “half-asleep” when it occured.
I think he was actually feeling a bit guilty… to the other woman! Funny, he was cheating on her with me.. his wife!
Mine did the same thing… He actually said “I don’t know if I should do this because you’ll tell OW!” To which I responded, “of course not” but did anyway!! Cheats on his gf with his wife of 30 years… Really?? You can’t make this stuff up!
OOh – another one:
“Staying married makes me feel secure – I don’t want a divorce ”
That was after he was out of the house for 6 months.
Still no divorce progress a year later…
“I’m in no hurry”
He posted on FB
“I’m with my true love of 36 years”…
Those years include an 18 year marriage to his SECOND wife and 17 with me – his THIRD.
Duh for me!
Busted! My hubby’s ex-wife claimed she never cheated, but on Facebook she listed the beginning of her relationship with her now ex-boyfriend as 2 years BEFORE the divorce was final!
I got that too! And also…
“I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”
“I think we need a trial separation. I don’t want to waste any more of your time.” (after 16 years of marriage.)
“Yes, I saw her socially. But there is no commingling.” (ugh. What is this, CSI?)
“Wouldn’t YOU like to meet someone more compatible?” This was the opening salvo, actually. came out of the blue when I was getting the grocery list together.
” why do you want to be with someone that’s so mean to you”
” maybe you will find someone that is nice to you”
“Sex with us was great, sex with him was amazing..I didn’t know size made a difference”
” when he wrapped his arms around me my whole body tingled”
” I cant guarantee this wont happen again”
“I can’t help what my body was telling me to”
Him: “I going to leave you for her because you only had 3 children with me”
Me: “How many children did you want to abandon when you left since 3 wasn’t enough to keep you here?”
Others:
She is good at her job (like Im not?)
Her fiance cheated on her (and that affects my life how?)
She eats vegetables for breakfast (pass the muffins and sugar bombs, Im NEVER going to do that)
Oddly enough we reconciled and had a good life for 5 years before he dropped dead. I would still like to punch that stupid OW in the face.
Oh wow… My husband just said the same thing to me… He has problems with trying to cheat with women on Craigslist. I don’t really police what he does because it’s not worth my time. Well, I found out that he’s been meeting a “friend” for lunch and lying to me about it. He also texts her at all hours of the day and night. When I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him seeing her alone, he accused me of trying to keep him from having friends. I don’t freaking care if he goes to a bar with a mixed group of people, but I don’t want him to have friends. Whatever.
And after I protested that it is inappropriate for a single woman to be texting him not me to organise playdates between our kids, and inappropriate for her to be playing pool with him til 3 o’clock in the morning then sleeping over at our place “because she is too drunk to drive home”:
[and after I questioned why did she need to be at our house to help bake her son’s brithday cake (why is my husband making it anyway?)]
“You won’t allow me to have ONE friend!”
“The least she can do is help make the cake since I am doing her a favour!”
[while her 7 year old kid is at home the night before his birthday, with an older sibling – his mother did not even go home that night]
I heard this one too. Actually still hearing it. I’m separated, but he keeps on telling me that all these lunches with him and single women are because he wants to have friends… And guys don’t cut it. It’s weird apparently to have guy friends if you’re a man! He says he really doesn’t get it, though everyone else I’ve checked it with says its bullshit.
My cheater wife regarding the “changes” she’s made, post D-Day:
“I was messed up back then, but now you have a better wife!”
Uh, what?
Ok, by that twisted logic, the way to marital self-improvement apparently involves lots of hot monkey sex in a hotel room with some guy you met on an online poker site.
Sounds like what she’s really saying is, “I couldn’t figure out how to fix myself until I screwed some other guy’s brains out. Thanks to him, now I know how to be Super Wife! Aren’t you happy now?”
Geez, imagine if everyone who was experiencing marriage issues just followed that logic, we’d all be better husbands and better wives and divorce lawyers would become an extinct species!
Online poker is up there where mine met his: firearms enthusiast and survivalism message boards. Any female who responded in the slightest to his online Billy Badass persona got serviced by him.
And he’d dare me to talk to them, like if I did I was jealous, if I didn’t, he won. Eventually, I talked to one. Boom, outed. Nice game to play on someone you trust.
Him: “My feelings have changed.”
Me: “Since when?”
Him: “I don’t know. For a long time now.”
Me: “Is there someone else?”
Him: (a quick) “NO.”
(Followed by trickling of evidence of a long term affair)
After he moved out and said he wanted a divorce:
“Despite the tough times with you, the kids, and my family, overall I’m happy.”
“We have so much in common. We’re both passionate about surgery.” (While I sacrificed my own career and stayed home to raise our kids so he can concentrate on his “work”, ie. helping out his medical student/surgical resident, living a double life with her, etc.).
i have a 16 year old girl with attitude and not one to back down. here’s her version of shit cheaters say.
x to daughter: we are seperating, we have grown apart. we’ve become like brother and sister, bla bla bla..
daughter’s response: and you stuck your dick into someone else so don’t go there.
x to daughter after i kicked him out and she moved into his old room ( best in the house): why did you move into my room?
daughter: i asked mom and she said it was okay.
x: when i move back in a year what will you do then. you will have to move back to your old room.
daughter: not fucking likely.
So good to read about other kids standing up to these jerks like my daughter. I think these losers pull the same shit with their kids as they did with their chump spouses. They want the kids to do the pick me dance and continue to feed them lots of kibble. Bravo to those kids old enough to be able to see them for who they truly are and to stand up to them because it must take a very brave kid to stand up to a parent and say you’re a lying cheating piece of shit and I reject you.
Thank you for sharing your daughters view.
I have only recently found this sight and am loving the honesty. What is is with people my X (separated 6 months ago after his confession of multiple partners over the last eight years) treats our 15 year old son like he is 4. My X used a gluten intolorane in or son to deflect taking responsibility for his action. Blaming sons pissed off attitude towards him as the result of something he ate.
I come home to hear 15yo and ex fighting and son swearing. Ex says don’t disrespect your mother by swearing in front of her! Son almost chokes and says How about you stop disrespecting her by cheating on her. Could have heard a pin drop. Love my boy.
“You’re intellectually intimidating” (this was after a 30 year marriage where he told me he loved me because I was smart) and “I did not have an affair. I had loving feelings for her when we had lunch together everyday.”
He also told me “Tell (son) to talk to one of his friends. I’m sure he has friends whose parents are divorced. It’s not a big thing.”
Son – “I have no time for him. He’s morally bankrupt.”
They do that! Resent you for the things that attracted them.
Cheater in the Beginning: “You need to grow up and stop partying. I can’t abide by women who drink AT ALL” (he cheated on patrons and employees of the bar he worked at)
Cheater After: “The woman I loved was wild, now you’re just a boring homebody.”
NEVER BECOME ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. Over the past ten years, there are several guys I now think “What the hell was I so impressed by?” Losers.
When I made a comment about the character of my husband’s facebookfuck “How could she get involved with a married man?” His comment”Oh she feels terrible but this was just bigger than both of us””
Yes, STBX also told me how ‘terrible’ the final OW felt about things and it was ‘really hard on her, knowing that the kids would be hurt’. What a girl, eh? No wonder he liked fucking her. She was all heart.
Ohhhh yes, she is REALLY concerned about my kids she doesn’t even know ! And she and I have SO much in common we would probably really like each other and be friends.
What do we have in common besides we have both seem your dick?
I sent the OW a letter asking her to stay away from him and what had been a good 30 year marriage. When he returned from a week away with her I asked him what was her response to my letter, and he answered “she felt like the OW!” If the shoe fits…
My STBX started his current affair 2 months after my father died…he said almost those same things to me. I couldn’t/wouldn’t listen…I’m negative=wonder why? He spoke to one of his best divorced lawyer buddies and all 4 of his kids are great. He and his mistress (divorced 3 times with 3 kids and 12 years younger} have much to say about me manupilating my kids and poisioning them against him. They will accept it when I do…sounds like the 12th of never.
How can you be divorced three times with three kids. There is something seriously wrong there. What about the kids. It’s a crime. Can’t your ex see that!!??
Yes, I get accused of ‘poisoning the kids’, which is beyond hilarious since I*m the one who assures them that their dad loves them while he treats them like shit when they don’t go along with his new life.
Dear Nord,
Exact same situation for me!! It’s all my fault the kid thinks he’s morally bankrupt. I just can’t get over how the story is basically the same for all of us chumps,
from what they say to how they treat the kids.
Wow so many of these one Liners were used on me. I find my story in a lot of posts. My STBX also took the new age spirituality I think they are called light workers.
I got our Mariage licence was just a peice of paper. Got a new phone with face recognition, separate email accounts, separate bank accounts after 30 years. Saying when he got home from a business trip that he saw two people so in love they didn’t want to let each other go and he wanted that again. Realized after he left that he was talking about the two of them having to say goodbye. O it’s is just a brother sister type relationship. Did he think I was stupid. The maybe I’m not your soul mate. The night before he left he said I have a friend that went to match makers . com and found someone the same going through what I was going through. Still denied there was someone else. He said he needed to find someone on his spiritual level and I should find someone on mine. Can’t believe I was so neieve.
He has been with her since he left 2 years ago. The thing that really gets me is just before he left he was waiting to see if my stage three cancer was gone . I remember telling him they were worried that it had moved to my lymph nodes which is stage four but they think the radiation caught it as it showed on the pet scan that it received a dosage. He looked me like great I have to stay longer, I’ve never felt so debated in my life. As far as I new all was fine till year 29 when he said I’m not happy anymore. I knew a few months after it was over I just had that feeling we all get. Can time it to the day. She herself has 3 kids, from 3 different fathers. Looks like they are about 8 years apart. She is 51 and he 53 . He now has her daughter that’s. 9 . Our granddaughters are 7 and younger. LOL I’m sure she’ll dump him in a few years and he lost an awesome family over it. I’m just glad I’ m not raising a 9 year old. I’m 55 grandbabies are all I want to raise.
you’re Right! Dog and ex-wife are much happier.
Other stupid comment…we need to work on building our excellent friendship, because we are best friends and I will always love you, but I deserve the passion which is true love with the OW. So grow up and stop being so angry its not like I meant this to happen.
Him: I know who sent you the anonymous letter at work about ____________
Me: Your’e having sex with her TOO?!
Him: No not now, she was a while ago, when we were first together…
My 2.5 yrs sponsored wife Maria di Fonzo had an affair with Ernesteo Fernandez (from Dieste Advertising, TX), the co-worker she was supposed to supervise during a business trip to Dallas. Right after Vicki Smith, Nissan Director of Phylanthrophy raised from the dinner table Maria called Ernesto Fernandez to take her to the hotel for sex.
When I told Maria between the first night of the affair and the second of adultery that I thought she was sleeping with Mr. Fernandez Cobela, Maria di Fonzo replied: “How you dare to say such thing without proof” … “Because of your overactive imagination, I am going to divorce you as soon as I arrive back to Nashville” … “And don’t call me no more tonight, I ‘ll be busy”
When I asked why, after the 2 years of hell we just came through and were (I thought) back on track, did he start things up with his ho-worker yet again.
His response “I guess I had too long of a winter break from school”. He works and goes to school full-time, but apparently having time off from school gave him too much free time.
Him: I was just trying to talk her into going back to her ex-husband.
Me: Do you know her ex?
Him: No, I’ve never met him.
She’s just a really good friend.
She’s nothing but a crack whore / coke whore, whatever.
Yeah, I bought her a Christmas present. So?
I never touched that woman. (The physical evidence says otherwise)
I suppose I never did nothing good for you, right? Is that what you’re saying?
here are some of the gems that I’ve been subjected to.
him: “a man has to be a bridge.”
wtf??? what the fuck are you talking about? your cock is a bridge? what does that make me? the suez canal?
him: “we don’t have chemistry.”
no. YOU don’t have chemistry.
our older son when asked how he saw his parents: “you guys have immense chemistry”
him: “I didn’t feel adored.”
try being adorable. try not looking at me like I’m an insect when you take me out to dinner (once every six months) try getting a JOB? try not whining about me running the dishwasher before midnight, because the rates go down after midnight. (yes, I’m serious)
“but Laurel, I’m not a bad person!”
right. you’re a good person, with no morals, no shame, no sense of right or wrong, entitled. smug. arrogant. AND you’re a selfish pig. but otherwise, you’re a wonderful man.
fuck buddy in an email to him: (he had told me that there was nothing on his computer that I could not read. it was left open by “accident”—yet again)
“I’m sorry that things have been so difficult for you. [that bitch wife of yours is on to us, huh?] You have borne ALL of the culpability for our 5+ years of conspiracy-to-commit-adultery, and that you find yourself in such a difficult position now is something that makes me squirm with guilt and remorse. As ever. ~ with fingers in wet places. that will not change irregardless.”
me: tell me the truth. What is on those SEVEN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES???
him: “I’m a geek. you wouldn’t understand geeks.” “I get them for free from work.” “the boys’ music is on them.” [ and enough disk space to power NORAD!] “I’m working for the CIA”
YES, THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.
him: “well yes, we had sex but she’s really big (and homely) and let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.”
wife is a ballet dancer.
him: “it has nothing to do with how you look.”
no, it has everything to do with the bullshit she’s spewing out. let HER deal with our autistic son. sexy ain’t it?
him: (after telling me months later that he had NO CONTACT with five year fuck buddy with lupus and me finding her name in his address book).
“But Laurel, she’s dying.”
me: who fucking cares? the point is that you said that you weren’t in contact with her. THAT IS THE POINT!
telling the truth is so difficult, isn’t it?
him: “I didn’t ‘love’ any of them. I liked them, but I didn’t love them. The only woman I ever loved was you… you were the only one who gave me butterflies.”
OMG Laurel, just read this, and I am sitting here laughing out loud. Hard to pick a favorite. It may be “A man has to be a bridge…” –why do they ramble incoherently?? But then again, the explanations for the 7 hard drives, including his work for the CIA, is pretty amusing too.
I also got the “She’s a nice person actually” after his first broken nose, fat lip and my furnishings destroyed by her. But me? The faithful loving non-violent wife? Why, I am just the biggest bitch on the planet. (He just got it re-broken by her and thought I would care)
After catching him a year ago having affair with a co-worker for 17 years of our 25 year marriage (at times group sex with her best friend as well) and leaving me with claims he was going to marry her; and after realizing he had these co-workers stay in our home as friends and guests on their “business” trips over the years, so that they could have “cake” — and I guess a really really sick laugh– literally under the noses of me and my children while we slept–
HIM: “She’s really a good person.”
ME: “Ummmm….Exactly what would qualify as ‘bad’ then? Would she have to stab us in our sleep while screaming obscenities and kicking the puppy?”
At one point I asked him how he got started using prostitutes. He said he met a guy on a plane, who happened to be really handsome (Oh, so does that make it less sleazy if a handsome guy fucks whores?) who used prostitutes because it kept it just about sex and then he didn’t become emotionally involved with them.
Later told me he couldn’t just have sex with anyone, of course–there had to be some sort of attraction and connection. Really? How much does a 65 year old Ivy League educated man with a doctorate have in common with twenty-something poor Hong Kong whore/mistress?
He was actually HELPING whores from Thailand because they came from very poor villages and were able to send money back to their families. Some of the Bulgarian ones were actually working their way through university. Ha! I guess he liked the idea that he was still attractive enough to be fucking college coeds. Is that a basketball under your button down Brooks Brother shirt or a gut. It’s hard to tell the difference.
He once said prostitution had been around for ever and 50% of people cheat on their spouses. (So if half of people lie/cheat and steal, it makes it okay?)
Let him know that if he wants to really help Thai hookers he could:
1) Pay them and not have sex with them.
2) Offer to get them in touch with rescue organizations.
3) Give money to said rescue organizations to help them save more people forced into prostitution by human slavers or economic need.
On the other hand, the hookers get a paltry sum of the money he pays for their services, and the rest goes to the people taking advantage of the system. And if he has a Ph.D. he should know this stuff.
That excuse is 100% grade A unadulterated bullshit.
Similar story – when I found out about the Thai mistress (and prostitutes all over Asia), he also said he was “helping” the poor. I asked him why he didn’t help poor old people, children, schools, etc. He looked bewildered and said he never thought about it. He actually though they all these women were in love with him, that he, the BENEVOLENT ONE was rescuing them. Like Aeronaut wrote – if he really wanted to help Thai hookers, then pay them and not have sex with them. He was such a fool, not even realizing he was being used too, and funneling the kids’ tuition money to them. And he didn’t even use condoms even though he is a doctor in a top medical school.
“He’s helping them?” XD Sure, if he WASN’T cheating on anyone.
I love it when cheaters who do it with prostitutes act like it’s because they’re super hot still. Uh, hate to break it to them, but it’s not because they’re hot. It’s because they paid for it. They can tell themselves that the hookers were attracted to them all they want, but it really just comes down to they paid for it.
Exactly, Kara! I found one of his mistresses on Facebook and sent her a message appealing to sisterhood (I know, pathetic. It was still the “pick me” stage. I asked her why my husband was sending her thousands of dollars. She said, “Why not?” Bitch.)
He told me to stop sending messages to his friend. Gawd. It’s almost funny now. I guess that’s a good, huh?!
To his “friend?” Sounds like one of my exes. He didn’t want me talking to his online “friends.” Probably because they were either sending him porn or cheating with him.
When I told my now ex-husband that I felt he was cheating with a particular co-worker (he was), he said, “I would never cheat with her; she’s too Catholic.”
Two things….First, I’m Catholic. WTF? Second, there’s no other reason he wouldn’t be cheating with her? Like, he loves me and promised to be faithful?
My husband hid a three year affair that included an apartment and fiancé. He says he doesn’t want a divorce. I told him that he left me when he got that apartment and he divorced me in his heart when he put a ring on her finger.
His response: “Wait a minute, I just want you to know that her ring was nothing like yours. Yours is much nicer.”
I have not enjoyed reading such tragic drama in my life. I am amazed at the trite way cheaters respond, as if they never expected to be confronted. I thank you all tremendously for sharing these tid bits. It has been a long time since I have really laughed. Bless you all and may we all reach the beyond wiser and with a sense of humor.
How about ‘ I wanted to pay her back for all the crappy shit she did to me when we were together.’ (she was XGF) Also got ‘I didn’t think phone sex (for YEARS) was cheating.” (also another AP)
My cheater was sure that my first husband had cheated on me, too. He hadn’t. But the cheater was convinced that everyone did it, and I was just too much of a chump to have known about it. It was like somehow if my first husband had in fact cheated, he would have somehow been less of a dickhead for doing it…
I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago… now I just shake my head and say “wow, that’s fucked up.”
I found out at the end of our relationship that my most recent ex was convinced I knew all along that my previous ex was cheating on me and that I had simply turned a blind eye. He was trying to accuse me and members of my family of cheating. Then he said, “Don’t try to tell me you didn’t know [previous ex] was foolin’ around.” When I suddenly realized the implications – that he thought I was the kind of woman who would tolerate cheating and just look the other way – I was even more pissed than I had been. Maybe because his mother had been that type of woman, I don’t know. Now, mind you, he was still lyin’ and denyin’ about his own cheating. But that statement was as good as a confession, in my mind. I was already packing my things at that point.
After catching him a year ago having affair with a co-worker for 17 years of our 25 year marriage (at times group sex with her best friend as well) and leaving me with claims he was going to marry her; and after realizing he had these co-workers stay in our home as friends and guests on their “business” trips over the years, so that they could have “cake” — and I guess a really really sick laugh– literally under the noses of me and my children while we slept–
HIM: “She’s really a good person.”
ME: “Ummmm….Exactly what would qualify as ‘bad’ then? Would she have to stab us in our sleep while screaming obscenities and kicking the puppy?”
Mine had sex with hundreds of other men during our 20 year marriage, then at the end of marriage was having affairs with two women at the same time, orgies, threesomes, running naked in public parks, sending pictures of his genitals to women, probably a lot more I don’t know about.
Some of his excuses:
I was helping her work on her marriage.
You didn’t want to play board games enough.
I have some good memories of our marriage, but now it’s just a business deal that’s ended.
I just don’t feel enough passion for you.
I only married you because I knew you would be a good mother and take care of the house and would never leave me.
I’m not gay.
I need a woman who is an extension of me.
I need a lot of zest and excitement in my life, and if only you would give me that, I could give you your heart’s desire.
My x is 58 I’m 60 we never married too bad because he left me for a stripper and a 30 year old, (We were together for 17 years.) and who ever else he can get his hands on. He only sends texts, never phones, describing the food he eats, including photos, views from his cool airb&b apartments, the bars he loves, and long drunken texts about the beautiful women who love him including photos of them in sexy poses all the while saying how much he loves me forever and never will break up with me, “that’s up to me”. And he says I’m must be a “F-ing moron”, if I can’t understand what he’s going through. So glad I found you site so that I can crawl out of my mind numbing depression and fight back. Oh and he says strip clubs are cool everyone is talking about them. No one I know is talking about them. Now they’re his favorite hang out especially since he is recently so successful in business that he has tons of cash to throw around.
A few choice quotes from my husband of 23 years. “If you think taking a girl to the pub a few times and to the zoo is having an affair? well….” (The girl was 24, he`s 48)
“I never snogged her”
“That 1st row we had in 1986. I would have left it there but you pursued me”
“I tried to commit suicide because of you”
“I`m a different person now” (no shit sherlock!!!)
“I grew up at 48 years old”
“I hope you can move on and we can be friends”
Him: I know it drives you mad that I’m exploring relationships with other women and that I have romantic encounters but really, you probably thought it was much more serious than having a little oral sex so I thought you would be relieved to hear that’s all that happened. ( this was part of a very long text, as he’s moved out, after 17 years)
I stopped responding to his texts after 6 weeks of constant texting back and forth because it was making me crazy and depressed beyond belief.
We’re not married but yesterday I saw a lawyer and he is being served.
Me: …. the woman you were sleeping with.
Him: I didn’t sleep with her.
Me: Ok, had sex with.
Him: we didn’t have sex.
Me: Ok, the whore that sucked your ****.
Him: you don’t have to be so graphic.
Congratulations on the lawyer. You’re doing the right thing.
tamara, this sounds so Clintonesque. Bill and Monica.
Bill: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman.
His preference of course, was a cigar.
In h’s shrink’s office, he would not admit he f&*@%d ow. I had to drag it out of him, step by step. I said, “can I ask the questions?” The shrink said, “If h agrees, I think it would be fine.” So, I said, “Did you go to her motel room?
h: One time.
ME: Did you take your clothes off?
h: Not the first time.
Nothing personal, Valentine, but you’re using Yiddish wrong. Schlepping is to carry something, much like a beast of burden. “I schlepped encyclopedias door to door for three years.” The word you’re looking for is sthupping, which means, quite literally, to have sex with someone. No example needed.
After I found out about the YEARS of serial cheating and lies by looking at his email account which he accidently left unsecured one day on our joint computer – and finding TONS of explict messages back and forth to MANY different women, complimenting them on their bodies and the sex (my favorite – sometimes confusing them and having to apologize that, no baby, you are my only one, I swear!!)
I confronted him and he said…
“You should not have been snooping around at my emails then you would not have gotten upset” !!!!!
If you weren’t such a nosy bitch none of this would have ever happened. (After I confirmed his affair by checking our joint cell phone records)
You would probably be friends with Leslie, you have so much in common. ( like we both fuck MY husband?)
If you had cared more about pleasing me I wouldn’t have been with someone else. (If you had been a better husband I might have cared more about pleasing you)
I tried to post this but think it went elsewhere. My absolute faves of the many stupid things my ex said;
While trying to convince me to take him back; ‘Infidelity is not a big deal, it’s just something that happens when a relationship isn’t going well.’ Should have seen his face when I suggested that he might want to inform his AP, and any future women he becomes involved with, of this belief of his.
And when I was turning him down on that reconciliation plan of his, saying that he had made a very clear choice about our relationship when he chose to engage in this affair (it was his second, and after the first one I made it EXTREMELY clear that there could not be a second), ‘I didn’t make any choices!’ Poor helpless baby, life just pushes him around!
That sounds familiar. I think the philosopher Neil Peart said “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” Kudos to you for not cooperating.
We went to a counselor shortly after dday, and at one point he got all huffy and said “We need OPEN and HONEST communication!!”
AYFKM? You lied to me for 8 months and NOW you want open and honest communication?!?!!?
“If you had really loved me and been committed to me and wanted to be appealing to me, you never would have let yourself gain weight.” 2 points…#1. I gained 15 lbs while recovering from major surgery due to cancer…#2. I was still a size 6.
Jennifer—Seriously? She was sensitive to the thing she was destroying? They truly live in an alternate universe in which up is down and black is white. I sometimes idly contemplate whether they outright know they are lying and are just making shit up as they go; or do they compartmentalize and believe their own lies like the best psychopaths who can pass lie detector tests? I’ll probably never find out the answer to these profoundly annoying questions.
“I could do this all day!” You’re hilarious. Who knew these poor excuses for human beings could provide such sick comedic fodder??
Ex told me that final OW felt ‘really bad’ about being involved with a married man while living with anohter man. This didn’t stop her from continuing, of course, but fortunately Ex was there to assure her it was all really ok because our marriage was crumbling anyway. News to me, of course, and news to her about the many other OW i discovered he’s been fucking for years.
That sounds really familiar Nord – except this was my STB EX’s first affair. She was living with another guy and told STB EX told him he didn’t want a divorce or to leave me – yeah, right. That’s why she went ahead and slept with him and met him on weekends while he was “working”.
What lies they tell themselves and each other while they carry on!
Dday was Christmas Eve (although I did not yet know the extent of the affair until a few months later.) His shrink suggested a marriage counselor, who in actuality, was also a psychiatrist. Had NO intent to excuse h’s cheating, but wanted the opportunity to hear him lie, pathologically, to a trained shrink. He did, of course. Three days later, when I had permanently removed the OW from the scene (I still relish in that moment) he had the nerve to say, “I think I almost have her out of my mind.” Well, I thought, “How about that, you are fading fast in mine.”
We were at an RV campground when D day rolled around. the OW had sent him all kinds of gifts even money. When I figured all this out I began pitching everything I could find. She sent him golf clubs and mixed in with his, I did not know what was what. I told him to get everything out of the RV that she had sent him. I knew he would not do this, but wanted to catch him in another lie. Three days later, a Thursday, I asked if he had gotten it all thrown away. He said, “Yes.” I asked him when and he said, “Yesterday, or the day before.” They empty dumpsters at the campground on Monday. I walked around to every dumpster in the park. Oh, did I forget to mention that we were the only RV in the entire park? All totally empty except the one we normally used. In it was one bag of trash I threw in after the dumpsters were empties on Monday. He never left the park from Monday to Thursday and had no other way to ditch his stash. I told him after I searched all the empty dumpsters. Gotcha! He didn’t say a word.
The scariest statement ( and that’s what it was, a cold, unfeeling, psychotic statement) he would make was while we were arguing during the last year of our marriage. Maybe the last 6 months… I’m not sure now of the time since it felt like forever.
I had been sleeping on the couch and away from him for 2 years. I had told him I wanted a divorce and that I wasn’t happy. Yet he would still try to engage me and try to get me to show some interest or passion towards him, of which I had none left.
We would get to heatedly discussing/arguing about the same things “… I am not happy. Why do you think I have slept on the couch for two years. I want a divorce. It’s over. I’m not happy, you’re not happy, the kids aren’t happy. It’s time to just stop.” ( we had always agreed he would be the one to leave and I would stay with the kids in the house… It was their home, they needed to be where they felt most happy and I was the better parent ( until the end of course when he decided to try to pit them against me, another story for another day…)
He would say at that point… “WE’RE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. NO ONE IS GETTING A DIVORCE. THAT IS NEVER HAPPENING. WE ARE GOING TO STAY MARRIED AND GO THROUGH THIS YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR. WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER….!”
I never heard anyone say anything that insane before or since. Scariest thing I have ever heard. It was like he was God or the Devil ( and he said it in a commanding tone) and that was the absolute end all be all and there was nothing else to be said. At which point I would usually break down and sob since there was nothing that could be said to something so irrational. I would just lose it.
That’s so creepy. Talk about a sense of entitlement. Those must have been some deep dark times. How did you finally break away? I don’t think my back is going to survive two years on the couch let alone my brain and heart. Do you wish you had done it sooner?
Well if you’re anything like me you probably don’t sleep that much anyway. I’m only about a month past d-day but it’s like my body just doesn’t need sleep anymore (until an afternoon meeting anyway). Lunesta has helped a little. I really hope you get off that sofa soon. You deserve better. I also really hope your kids will see through whatever he is doing. I can’t believe the depths some people will sink to.
Plus, I disliked the idea of being next to him so much it wasn’t a hard choice. What ended up taking so long was I wouldn’t leave my home, since that would mean leaving my kids, and there was no way I was doing that. I kept talking to him, every couple of weeks about a divorce for about a year, then just stopped talking to him at all. After about 6 months, the lack of my attention towards him was unbearable to him, and he started some really nasty arguments with me.
The final straw was an intense argument he wanted right after New Year. I disengaged, and just kept repeating I want a divorce, like I have been telling you for two years. I think it had finally sunk in, with the disengagement and the repitition. These people are THICK because they choose to be.
That particular night, he started man handling me. Hitting me, pushing me and if you can believe it, chest butting me when I tried to leave the room. I had enough. I told him to pack his shit and leave or I was calling the police. It took 1 hour of repeating that for him to finally leave. He had the balls to think he was coming back the next day. Wishful thinking on his part. When he called the next day, I just told him not to even try it or I would call the police.
Contentious separation, he tried suing me for all kinds of things which got dropped and he almost went to prison for non support. He screwed our credit, put the kids and I on welfare for non payment of support, threatened to kill me (which he denied later. I tried to get an order of protection, in va they have to assault you… Ugh) and alienated me and the kids. Screamed and yelled like satan spawn every time I had to deal with him on anything. He would not work anything out between us.
2.5 year divorced, I’m still traumatized I have realized. That’s why I’ve been reading and participating in posting here and 1 other place on Facebook of late. I never talked before, except to a therapist. It wasn’t enough though. I realize I need to hear others stories, to know I wasn’t alone and to get to a point where I can use the tools I see here and elsewhere and actually move forward. I was with him 20 years. It’s taking a long time to fully move past this for me.
My situation may not be typical by any means. And I don’t suggest anyone wait until a spouse tries assaulting you before you act. I’m just saying it was my final straw and my reason to get up the nerve to get him out. I’m also disabled, and have lost almost everything. I think that was another reason I did not push so hard those last two years. Being scared of falling into poverty. I’m here now with horrible anxiety. I still thank God though every day I am not still married to him. The bad way way outweighed the good. It was not a decent or adult relationship. I was not happy, and I realize he never could be, no matter how hard I tried or wanted things different. It wasn’t all on me.
Anyway, I hope you find your way out, if that’s what you really want and in a more productive way than I found my way out. Keep reading here. Find what helps you cope and helps you find your strength and your happy place. Best of luck.
I’m so sorry. Unreal. So detached from reality that he couldn’t even imagine, screw it, you were such an object to him that he could sit there and say that to his WIFE. Just sickening.
I’ve read many of your blogs. They are so helpful. Thank you for what you share and what you give.
Hearth Builder, it is just so soon for you. I remember those early weeks…terrible days and nights. Now that I do not have to get up during the night to take care of h, I dispense his evening meds, call it a day, fix an adult beverage, catch a movie on line and drift off into the sweetest sleep I have had for a long time. The sofa bed is simply uncomfortable. It all may change when I am finally able to leave and find myself alone, but I don’t think so. I am so looking forward to building a new life for myself with new friends, doing new things, having my refrigerator stocked only with what I want to eat, going only where I want to go and doing any damn thing I decide to do. Two grown kids are cheering me on, two won’t even talk to him. Life can be good.
Thanks Yoder. It’s so good to know that there can be peace after this. I feel so hopeless sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I’ve been avoiding adult beverages because I’m scared to death that it would become a crutch; but, as soon as I’m emotionally solid enough, I will raise a glass to you. By then I hope you’re in a plush, comfy bed not too far from your nicely stocked refrigerator.
Hang in there HearthBuilder, we all know that hopeless feeling (and yeah, make sure you avoid the alcohol till you are certain you can handle it). It does get better overall. I am a year past D-Day and still get hopeless once in a while thinking what he took from me and our children. But I tell myself “just wait it out, the feelings will pass…” And they do. I have just been reflecting on those terrible days, weeks and months immediately post D-Day. I used to keep a journal and wait up until midnight sometimes just so I could write “I survived another day.” Then one day I realized that I wasn’t keeping such close track of it, and was feeling better. Key was keeping as NC as possible, just the passage of time, and support like we get from CL. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks Kelly. I’m clearly not there yet. I instantly burst into tears at “… thinking what he took from me and our children” at work no less. We still haven’t talked to my daughters, 13 and 14 (although I found a note from my 13 year old that shows she has figured out a lot, she even guessed who the guy is). It’s so helpful to hear from survivors like you that there is life after d-day. Still working on the NC thing. Thank you for the iHugs too, I really needed that.
I’m so sorry you are going through this HearthBuilder. I’ve done the tears at work and everywhere else, believe me. One night I even screamed at the top of my lungs driving home in my car (didn’t work for me, felt crazy and I was hoarse the next day besides). You will get through it though, and come out the other side. Just hold on to your kids, your job, your friends and extended family (if possible), and most of all yourself.
Dear Hearth builder,
Tell your dog turd that they have a week to fess up to the kids about the truth concerning their adultery or you will tell them the truth as you see it. Please don’t let this piece of shit manipulate them into thinking you had some role in the destruction of their family. They are old enough they have probably pieces most of it together. If you are honest with them they should embrace you and help you kick the dog turd out and then you and the kids can move mom together to a happier life. Hang in there. It does get better, I promise. Cyber hugs.
Kay H, these are truly priceless. I don’t know if there are books of these or not, but if not, there needs to be. It is as if they NEVER thought about what they were going to say, just thought that D day would ever happen. Like they swallowed a few bottles of stupid pills. All the careful planning, complex lies, sneaking around, oh, so carefully they carried and then is all goes poof! And they are stump dumb all of a sudden. Not nearly as clever as they thought they were.
I think my husband has lost his marbles and he didn’t have many of them to begin with. Not my problem anymore. The OW can have him and his ridiculous comments. Go sell crazy somewhere else.
I think all cheaters want to be caught in one way or another. There is either the immense guilt, in a person that has some feelings, and then with an N, I think it’s a matter of pride in having been able to get one over on you for some arbitrary period of time in their heads… I guess each one is different with that. I think they all want you to find out though. I think some of them actually secretly, or some maybe even outwardly enjoy the power the pain it inflicts gives them. Sick, sick, sick!
Actually, no refrigerator needed. Vodka and black cherry kool aid. Medicinal only. My physician suggested it for sleep. Have one before I go to sleep every night, works like a charm, but then I do not “over due” anything, food, salt, sugar, exercise, drinking, just don’t. And I still weigh 118 pounds. Now if I just didn’t have to look in the mirror each morning.
Ooh, the vodka and kool-aid sounds delicious! And like a wonderful way to end a day when you know sleep is going to be hard… I should have had one of those tonight!
LOL! Some of these are hysterically funny! So glad I can laugh about it now.
My ex told me that he would go ‘live under a bridge’ and that I could have ‘everything’. Okaaaaaay. Later, he asked for his ‘cigar chair’ and a Snoopy cookie jar that he had since he was a baby. I thought this was interesting—-until I found out that he took the cookie jar because he wanted the kid he was having with his affair partner to have it. Like an heirloom. Whatever.
He also told me that he was ‘very flawed’…guess that was his admission to having the affair.
He also said that he was now an ‘existentialist’ and that he didn’t need to answer to me anymore. WTF?
I swear not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at how long I stayed in that life-sucking vacuum disguised as a marriage, and allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible.
“I swear not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at how long I stayed in that life-sucking vacuum disguised as a marriage, and allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible.”
Exactly Valentine. These guys are all the same, it’s sort of spooky.
Yeah, we’ll mine told me he would live in his car before he would see our girls suffer.
Then he didn’t pay child or spousal support for 6 months when he knew I was fighting for my disability and the only income I had was suport; didn’t pay the court ordered mortgage payment (ordered when he started paying some support to me, the other part was supposed to secure our housing), rented a two bedroom apartment for half our mortgage payment per month that we couldn’t afford (and he knew it well) and that he didn’t need since the kids were almost adults and refused to see him.
He almost spent 6 mo in jail for the almost 1 year of non-payment, destroyed our credit, almost lost the kids their home, and put me and the kids on welfare for a 6 mo period of time.
I don’t know if they’re all the same, however, I see a lot of people say they heard their spouse make outrageous claims too.
Love the “existentialist” comment. That is a creative way for him to tell you he’s blowing you off. Lol
Just be careful. And best to you and hopefully he will be reasonable throughout everything.
Thanks, Valentine, for the :I swear not a day goes by…:
That is prrecisely how I have come to view the debacle that was our marriage!
My favorite was when he posted on his FB page instead of a private message to a friend
“I am now happily with my true love of 36 years”!! WTF – there were two 17 year marriages (myself and his SECOND WIFE) spanning his 36 year love affair with the OW! When I caught them, his first comment was “there you go again – you are always jealous and resentful” and his second line was “I didn’t do it to ruin our marriage” and he was “just helping a friend”. What a creep. And it’s MY FAULT that our (make that MY – he was always working “nights and weekends” because he’s a realtor) 15 year old daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him. ..and if he was home he was “working” upstairs in his office or drunk/passed out in front of the TV until 3 AM.
Yes, Valentine, the
“…allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible”
is truely that.
Somehow I thought if I just did “more” his narcissistic light would shine on me again… but for what…? What was I thinking? I guess I was afraid of failure. The world I gave up to be with him. My pride kept me in a cage of misery and fear of the future.
Burned, wowsers, he IS delusional….but aren’t they all? I also believed if I changed myself into something more attractive then he would come back. NOT.
As for being his wife…I am sure you are grateful you are no longer with him. He sounds like a serial husband…its like a merry-go-round with him.
I love it when they post crap on FB and then are appalled when people say shit on their wall about it. I am sure people who are his ‘friends’ on FB are doing a mental eye-roll (or not) and asking the same question: WTF? weren’t you married umpteen times to umpteen women?
I am truly amazed at the shit that comes out of their mouths and how it makes such PERFECT sense to them when the rest of us are like: YOU ARE SERIOUSLY RIDING THE CRAZY TRAIN AREN’T YOU?
Look, I was afraid of failure too….a failed marriage, a life that I would no longer have, how I would face friends and family, etc…I suppose that was MY pride too. I had to hit rock bottom in the marriage until it occurred to me that I had to get out to save myself. I have never looked back.
Sugar, in the words of Frank Sinatra: you’ve got the world on a string and you’re sitting on rainbow…
and another favorite
we have our house on the market – i moved out because he made it totlayy untenable to live there. coming in at any time with no notice, telling me who and could visit and when, telling me (AND putting in writing) that my daughter and I couldn’t call it “our house” or “our home” – we has to call it our residence (?WTH?)
Now he bemoans that he and the OW are having to pay not only for the homes they each lived in with their spouses, but their apartments as well. OOOH i feel so sorry for him. He had the nerve, as they considered moving back into the home he and I shared, to send me 8 emails bemoaning the fact that they might have to do that because it was going to be “SO DIFFICULT EMOTIONALLY” for him to live in the house. You gotta be kidding – he wants pity from me? LOL He go zero response.
Oh yes I got that too….he moved in with his affair partner (now his wife) in the house she owned with her previous husband. BUT we were going through divorce and he said he could no longer afford to pay for two residences and he was going to quit paying on ours (he was ordered to pay half of home expenses until it was sold). Oh and I heard the ‘it is so emotional’ coming back to our house and how ‘weird’ it was that he needed to ring the doorbell. Too bad, so sad.
One question: why haven’t you changed the locks? I changed the locks the day I served him with divorce papers. He can no longer come and go as HE pleases. This is divorce. How did he put this in writing? Was this through a court order? If not, then you have every right to tell him to go f*** himself and the horse he rode in on. My ex basically tried the same crap with me and I laughed in his face and told him he was delusional. Also, when he left he gave up all rights…don’t fall for his controlling bullshit.
My jerk moved in with OW right away but promised kid she could finish HS in our home. 6 months later he is whining about cost of home and says home has to be sold and is refusing to pay any of
mortgage. Got a job in another state and a great lawyer so we are moving out end of month and jerk will have to pay for everything for the home until it sells or he can move in and stop paying “rent” to OW
I got something similar when the ex tried to convince me to reconcile, 8 months after I discovered his new affair. “This is much harder than I thought it would be. You must find that too?”
I answered “No, it’s about like I thought it would be, that’s why I tried so hard to avoid it for 14 years”.
This after his admitting he hadn’t actually made any effort to make the relationship better or make me happier, during those 14 years. Hadn’t even thought of that possibility! We’d been together about 2 years when he told me “I worked really hard to do well in school, I work really hard at work. Why should I have to put an effort into my relationship too?” I should have walked right then, but I stupidly believed he didn’t actually mean that.
Karen, I think we were married to the same man. Mine said he had to expend a lot of energy to stay happy in our marriage. Like I didn’t? And marriage isn’t easy, I’m pretty sure everyone has to expend energy. WTF.
This JUST came out of h’s mouth last night. Seriously?! But the OWhore and he, they get it! They are compatible. That’s why they will last for-e-ver! OBVIOUSLY! That’s why for the last decade I’ve done EVERYTHING I could to make you happy. While you did NOTHING!
Aah Valentine…
It just goes without saying – what the hell was I thinking. I insulated myself emotionally with 65 pounds during our 21 year tenure together – and once I found “them” damn if that weight didn’t just “go away” like magic in about 14 months – how did that happen?!
I always felt like I had “me” somewhere inside of me and I have found that I was there all along. People notice I’m myself again, I smile, I laugh, I’m happy, they’re happy for me. The dips##t can glow in his own self-importance, but it’s not my bag anymore.
Dear MM,
Same story for me – I had gained 53 pounds and lost it quickly after he left. I am back to my old self. He had complained plenty about my being overweight – I am sure I embarrassed him. Every time I would try to go on a diet it would only last a couple days because he would complain how he couldn’t eat that kind of food. Then he would glare at me as I are the food he wanted to eat – meat and potatoes or pasta and lots of bread. He told me I should make a separate meal for myself so I would loose weight but why should he have to suffer with diet food when his weight was fine? What a jerk. I should have seen then what a looser he was.
He also started becoming obsessed with fitness in the last year. At 47 playing pickup soccer with 20 year olds and we should all being applauding what a magnificent athletic specimen he was. He was always trying to get my daughter to arm wrestle him at dinner which she would refuse. Then he would take his shirt off to show is his muscles and flex his biceps. My daughter and I both thought WTF was going on with him at the time. Turns out he was hot and heavy in his cheating relationship with the 15 year younger OW.
We moved out of the house in Nov – but because we have joint ownership my state allows him unfettered access (unless I have a PFA) and his comings and goings were non-stop. At first after he left he said he wouild call before coming over blah blah – that didn’t last because he is a SOCIOPATH.
My sis, a psychologist, after saying “answer yes or no to the following as it pertains to him” and read me the DSM-IV for “sociopath” after I answered yes to 13 of 16 questions – she laughed and told me what she was reading! Sick humor. Keeps you laughin’
Yes MM Burned, during a counseling session my psychologist takes out the same book and starts asking me questions, and then tells me my ex fits the description for “anti social personality disorder” (new name for sociopath/psychopath). Wonderful. Nothing can prepare you for the chilling moment when you realize there is nothing in there, at least nothing good. Sick humor is the only way to go!!!
Thanks Kelly
Really – when that light was shining on me I left EVERYTHING for a sack of shit promises…. He is a master at his trade. They are dangerous people.
MM, my therapist at the time also told me that my ex was a Sociopath. I was flabbergasted when she said that because I had never considered him as such but it makes perfect sense now. It also made me realize that this was the REAL him and that nothing I did or said would ever change that or him for that matter. That was a real turning point for me in my mind. Even though we were already divorcing, I tortured myself for months and years going over it in my head: what if I had done this or that, blah, blah, blah…
She told me that, more than likely, my ex wanted to be the good person and that it was just a façade that he could not keep up with and that finally his REAL personality broke through and his narcissistic tendencies took over.
If you’re not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, I would recommend it. I learned a lot about myself, my ex and what I needed to heal myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a work in progress and healing takes a while but it is so worth it!
My absolute fave stupid thing the ex said, during the first weeks of our separation;
“I know I’m a very negative person, I have a bad temper, I don’t really know how to ‘do’ relationships, I stress and bring home the stress, I can only see the bad stuff in every aspect of my life, never the good. So what I need is a woman who doesn’t bring this out in me!”
That’s when I knew there was NO point in talking about anything, ever again, for any purpose, other than practical issues about the kids.
My husband tells me “He and the OW NEVER argue.” How can they argue when they only talk on the cell phone and text alot. I us e to try and deflect the negative conversation and was told I was playing devil’s advocate.
Isn’t it funny? We get to deal with the bills, the laundry, and the hassles of real life and the affair partners get the romance, the excitement, and the sex. No wonder real reconciliation is so rare.
In my fantasy revenge world she comes down here to live in my house and one day when he is in a bad mood he will start treating her the way he treats me. Wake up call OW
Same here except I fantasize about her getting a dose of real life from him and thinking “Maybe old HB wasn’t so bad.” I’m very attentive, loving, and safe. She just got bored; but, maybe when the “sparks an butterflies” wear off I won’t seem so ridiculous. One can hope.
Anyway Janet, I hope by the time your revenge comes to pass, you’ve got a great life and maybe a great guy and you can look at it an go “Meh…” That would be the sweetest revenge of all.
HearthBuilder when I have to leave the home he and I bought together and that I have lovingly attended to for 16 yrs I will never come back and my heart will have such a wall around it that I won’t let him back in. It has to be that way because way to often in my life that man I was involved with would move on and a few months later (about 6 ms) would call “oh I mss you etc…” I am a great woman. I have to go NC with him he is the one that has broken my heart worse than any man I ever knew and the one that could find his way back in. I am too vunerable to him. I hope you are going on to build a great life.
Stay strong Janet, and make sure that wall only applies to him and others like him. I hope he beats his brains out on it.
I feel like I’m vulnerable to my wife too. In fact, I’ve described myself as a cracked open tooth with bare nerves exposed. She knew the pain I was in and still ran off to be with him whenever she felt like it. And yet, I get a stupid text from her about nothing and some idiotic part of my brain goes “Hey maybe this was just a nightmare and now it’s over. Maybe this can be salvaged.” This site really helps provide perspective.
I went through the same thing a couple months ago but my therapist says I am getting past the denial and although she is not big on telling people what to do she told me to dump the idiot. Still there is a stupid part of my brain that wishes different. And you are right I must hit the CL site a couple time of day for moral support
TKsays
I just got some good ones.
Ex: I only made “one” mistake. This after he admitted (probably not the whole truth) to having sex with 3 women and then me finding out that he has been chatting and meeting with more for over 1 1/2 yrs.
Ex: I have been really good to you.
Ex: I only did it out of the insane fear that you were going to cheat on me and it drove me to make poor choices.
I found a naked text from a girl. I left him but he convinced me that it was random and that he hadn’t been in contact with her. Even had her send me a text explaining that she hadn’t been with him for 3 years….RIGHT! But of course, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
After that, one month later I found he was on Adult Friend Finder and found email after email to other women wanting to meet with them. I confronted him and he denied it all until I actually SHOWED him the messages. Then he tried to say that after the picture debacle that he had “quit” at which time I pointed out to him that they had date stamps on them. Last week, I found out he actually was still meeting people after the picture issue and then he said:
Well, I thought that you had left me for good so it didn’t matter.
He has begged me, told me he would do anything to save our relationship and then tried to blame it on my lack of commitment (we are not married but he asked me repeatedly). I was hesitant to marry him because he had freely admitted to me that he had cheated on his 1st two wives. But of course, “im different, He would never cheat on me because he has never felt like this before, I am his soulmate…..blah, blah, blah”
How pathetic am I that I still think I should try counseling with him, all while knowing I should just tell him to get lost. I have been in several abusive relationships and they all say thee same damn things. Help!
Get yourself a really good counsellor or therapist, and start thinking of this as an addiction. You can’t work out a live-able relationship w/heroin, nor w/a serial cheater. Actually, if you have a clean and legal source, you can probably actually have a MUCH better life w/heroin than you can w/a repeat cheater!
Work towards going No Contact, and when you slip, go right back to it. Figure out what things you tell yourself that make being in touch w/him sound like a good idea, and figure out why those thoughts are WRONG. Be patient with yourself, and keep working on taking better care of yourself. It can take a while, but you can be so much happier.
You’re not pathetic TK, you’ve just picked some pathetic guys to hang around. All I can say is there are a lot of good guys out there (me included once I get myself straightened out after spending my entire adult life in what appears to have been a sham marriage) who would give anything to be with someone sincere and true.
Interestingly after my ex-husband abused me, I went to abuse counseling and support groups and told me to make boundaries and stick to them and to most of all trust my gut.
I have somehow forgotten all of that great advice. I have let him stomp on my boundaries many times all in the hopes that ours is a safe, wonderful, one of a kind relationship. HA!
HE gave me another great excuse tonight…. “I was lonely”. And yes I know that I need to go NC with him and I am working on it. I definitely have some co-dependency issues here.
TK, have you ever been in a crowd and felt so terribly lonely? I have and I can tell you that you can get over it. You WILL meet new people, you WILL learn to make a new life, you WILL “get over him” and you WILL be so very glad you did. A few moments of pleasure, or feeling secure is no way to live the rest of your life. You are allowing him to control your feelings, feelings that are yours to control, not him. You owe this turkey not one damn thing. He is misery, walking, talking and doing what makes him happy, not you. Take care of yourself. Make YOU numero uno and kick his sorry ass as far away from you as you can. Empower yourself…I give you permission to become the strongest person you can be. Now that you have permission, GET OUT THERE AND TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!
Ditto Janet. This process, and the possibility of one day meeting someone, made me realize that I’ve been so freaking lonely for so long I think I forgot what the alternative used to feel like.
Remembering that… not a good feeling.
My sister pointed out – after the “whole thing” reared it’s ugly head – that though I would touch my ex on the shoulder, or whatever, that he never simply touched me… as he walked by, or was (seldom) standing near, or anything. I now am in a wonderful, loving relationship where I am loved, respected, supported, encouraged, and am ALLOWED TO DO THE SAME.. After so many years it’s foreign to me to have such a normal relationship. Frankly it was hard to adapt. As if, still, upon occasion, I’m waiting for something bad, I waiting for the sneer, the turn away, whatever. I cherish my man, and what he has allowed me to be and give, and what he is has given me. There is life… You can have it.
One day, while sitting on my front porch drinking a margarita by myself while my X was somewhere else on the property sitting outsideby himself , I had what I call my George Thoroughgood Epiphany. I really don’t like George Thoroughgood…. think he’s a Napoleonic no talent hack. Always laughed at his songs, especially “I drink alone”. But here I was sipping at an excellent marg, enjoying the summer night in Colorado and feeling totally lonely with my spouse less than 100 yards away. Suddenly, I started singing ….”and when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.”
I laughed til I almost cried… spouse didn’t even turn his head.
“I might be able to stay with you for the kids sake. I just have to learn to redefine happiness.”
Thanks. Don’t trouble yourself on my account. It was only a 24 year relationship after all.
Or when I said I was considering divorce:
Wife: “I always let you take the lead on big decisions so if you think that’s best…”
What I really said: *stunned silence*
What I thought of later: “How about the decision to have sex with other men? That was a big one. I think I would have gone an entirely different route on that one.”
During the divorce process, the now-ex sent an email to my attorney. He wrote that “It’s not true I told Glad I was interested in another woman….. I told her I was interested in TWO other women.”
He also sent my attorney an email complaining I had “gone on a shopping spree at Walmart.” Because I lost 30 pounds IN ONE MONTH after dday, I needed to buy some new clothes that fit. Spent $200 at Walmart OF MY OWN MONEY, and he complained about my “shopping spree”. My friends still tease me about that.
Right after dday, he quit his six-figure, excellent job he’d always claimed to love, and sent my attorney an email saying that due to the stress of my filing for divorce (though he was having multiple affairs and had told me he didn’t love me and never should have married me) he had decided to “pursue his dream and calling” of becoming an actor.
It’s been three years and so far he’s made around $15,000 in this “dream.” He lost our house to foreclosure, filed bankruptcy, wiped out his retirement fund, lives in his sister’s spare bedroom and is around $25K behind in support money.
He now says he’s a motivational speaker, he wrote a book about how “inspirational” he considers himself and he has a local radio show where he is presented as a “relationship expert.”
Oooooo Glad, my ex is now an “inspirational speaker, consultant and business coach”. He holds himself out as a role model and paragon of passion and commitment. This is a man who cheated on me for at least 17 of the 25 years of our marriage with 2 co-workers I thought were family friends, sometimes group sex, and sometimes in our home with my children and me sleeping upstairs. Of course never used condoms. My ex claims to be such a leader but he never actually made it for long in the financial services industry in which he worked, and I am the one who carried him and our family financially during our marriage (while he played around in whatever of the numerous jobs he held and wined and dined his crazy sex partners on my dime). Oh, and the people employed by him in his new consulting business are none other than—his group sex partners—helping lead people in integrity, commitment and honor. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.
The faithless dickhead who wants to destroy you financially is going to consult on leadership??? That’s so typical. I’ve been a senior manager for a long time in the business world but I’ve always been the proudest of, and most invested in, my position as the leader of my family. I can’t say it’s worked out that great; but, it wasn’t because I didn’t try or care. How can life be so unfair Kelly? Don’t you feel like you want a refund or a do-over.
God forbid any of us spend money on things that even Social Services considers “necessities” on a yearly basis. $200…? Shopping spree… Tee hee hee… They will try to get away with nailing us for anything while hiding assets from us or just flat out not paying support in many cases. Unreal. That’s what I keep coming back to when I read these posts. It’s unreal what we have gone through. No one should have to go through these kinds of harassments.
The whole point of marriage is supposed to be two people who love one another. If they divorce, it’s supposed to be sad, but the love should just die in a week, a day, an afternoon! I would expect people to be sad but still care for one another’s well being. It amazes me how quickly my ex, who loved me and wanted to work things out in the week after the final day, all of a sudden didnt love me or our kids anymore.
I know now its because he never did. It’s just such a mindfuck.
So, I’ve found out about this second affair, confronted him, told him the relationship is over, offered to move out (w/the kids) and he’s insisted the kids and I stay in the house, he’ll get a place. He spends a long weekend in NY w/his shmoopsie, pretty much breaking my kids’ hearts (they’ve seen very little of him for months while he’s working in another city, we’ve announced the separation, then he chooses to spend that weekend w/her, and doesn’t contact them during it). Then he stalls on getting a place for almost 2 months, when he’s home on weekends he’s sleeping in the guest room and trying to act like nothing much has changed. I finally get him a place, I go with him to make sure he signs the lease.
As we’re leaving his new place, he says ‘this is just temporary, right?’.
And I’m so clueless, I think he means he’s not going to spend the rest of his life in a one-bedroom rental. So I say ‘right;.
Only much later do I realize he actually thinks he’s going to be coming back! Cheeesh!
Him: It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was an accident.
(Really? You accidently hopped on a plane to Vegas to meet up with an ex-girlfriend, and share a bed in a hotel? But you didn’t think anything would happen?)
Then, about 2 weeks later, after I’m still upset: When are you going to forgive me? God forgave me and I forgave myself!
(Wow. That’s very big of you to forgive YOURSELF! You don’t forgive yourself! You forgive the people you hurt…like your wife!)
Nice to know God forgave him. I take it he has a close and personal relationship with God. After all, it wasn’t like he broke his promise made before the Lord to, what was it? “forsake all others”
Been divorced for 14 years from a serial cheater (after 17 yrs together) and now married to a dedicated, hardworking, respectful man for the last 8. But the trauma of the years with the cheat still linger – and maybe cuz our youngest graduates from HS this month, and I will have to see/speak to x for the first time in years …seems a bit fresh lately… but here’s some oldie but goldies to contribute:
1) I love you but I really, really LIKE her
2) She feels really bad about this too
3) I was never sober when I cheated with anyone else… just so you know that.
4) You look really good – but if we split up it’s gonna be hard for you to find someone else because you’re such a bitch ;
5) Oh, so you have to be all righteous and sleep on the couch?…I made a mistake, I said I was sorry.
6) you are so emtionally emeshed with me – there’s got to be more to your life .
7) and finally, “you just don’t know how to have fun”. … guilty – supporting a family in a town where I knew no-one, having small children and an incredibly demanding job, and putting you through 9 yrs of higher education.,while you charmed the co-eds, yep, I was just such a bore –
My youngest turns 18 in 6 weeks – I can sleep easy now knowing that if something happens to me he can’t swoop in and end up raising my kids .
Ex NPD husband was a personal trainer in a big exercise group. He had affairs with two married women in the group simultaneously. He explained to me that both of them were pursuing him very aggressively, so to discourage them (because he would never cheat, you know!) he told them the only way he would sleep with them is if they had a threesome. He claimed he said this to scare them off. Because I guess just saying, “No, I’m not interested and I’m faithful to my wife.” wouldn’t have been discouraging enough.
They had the threesome.
He went on to have a very intense affair with one of them, desperately trying to get her to dump her husband. He continued using the other as a fuck buddy, and triangulated these women like crazy. The whole thing lasted for months, and maybe is still going on for all I know.
Oh, and he also said many times that he wasn’t having sex, he was helping the serious affair partner “work on her marriage” because he would NEVER sleep with a married woman.
Gladit’sOver, story after story, comment after comment, I continue to be amazed at how stupid these cheaters become and seem to believe we are too. We are not stupid, we are trusting. I refuse to change my values just because their’s are in the dumpster. I go to bed with a clear conscience, they don’t. I can hold up my head, still proud of who I am, they can’t. I do not sneak around to avoid people, they do. They will have to live with the fact that they have broken man’s law, God’s law and our promise to each other. I may die trying, but I will get through this, but he will never be able to unfuck the OW. Living with that for the rest of his life has already begun to wear on him. About all I have left for him is disgust.
Dear Yoder,
Amen to that. I have basically only seen the soon to be x a few times since he left 9 months ago. I do run into the OW at work – her office is across the hall from mine. I find it hilarious how she skulks around the building trying to avoid me. I have made sure to tell EVERYONE she is having an affair with my husband and that the both of them are dog turds. I took a job in another state starting in Sept so my daughter and I can start over. We both are changing our last names back to my maiden name as
part of our fresh start. It is helping us both feel like we pressed the reset button on life and this version doesn’t include the dog turd.
Really, it is just such a “collective” story. If you substitute nouns for pronouns, and acronyms for descriptions, it truly becomes a universal story. There isn’t even an age or gender differentiation. Not even length of marriage seems to matter. I am far too close
I am far too close to it right now, but I can see a screen play coming. Wonder how many will recognize themselves and their ex’s and ow’n? Have a great opening in mind, but of course, can’t write the ending until I get there.
I can tell you from experience it does get so much better and easier although for me, there remains some internal residual damage that floats to the top every once in a while. Once the doors and windows open and the toxic air blows out, things start to smell and feel – fresh. Only words I have to explain it. You wait for the really hard stuff to happen once you’re on your own – and it doesn’t – because even the hard things are easier than what you put up with; and one day you realize that 500 lbs of weight is lifted from your shoulders and you didn’t even you you felt it, until it was gone.
I blossomed and I mean really, really just blossomed after I finally walked away. My friends today totally can’t believe it when I tell them that for 10 years I was alone – totally alone and had no friends or life outside of work and family because he either screwed them or alienated them. Before and after pics in photo albums provide the proof. I look 15 years older than my age just by the lines in my face – in the old “couple snaps” and de-aged within a quick year or so afterwards. At 28 I looked 40 and at 38 I looked 29 (smile).
Unwinding yourself from the cheat takes some dedicated effort, and it’s hard to get past being mad at yourself for having put up with it sometimes – but nothing, nothing, nothing replaces the feeling that you know who you are, what your values are, and finding that your own dignity is worth every once of your protection. It does get much, much easier and life is/will be soooooo much better. Promise.
Her: I was selfish and only thinking of myself.
Me: Um, no shit Sherlock! So you’re hoping “what”, that this bullshit answer will make the questions about your affair stop?
Her: My counselor has advised me to move past this. Why can’t you?
Me: So let me get this straight, It’s been 1 freaking month and a so called professional has made this absurd and ridiculous assumption, so I should just respect that… suck it up and get over it already!?
Her: I don’t want you to read my emails or texts to him. It will only hurt you more.
Me: OK, so what you’re REALLY saying to me is that you don’t want me to know ALL the fucked up scummy details about what you actually did!?
Her: I can’t help you heal from this because I’m not you… and I don’t understand what you’re going though.
Me: Why don’t you just be honest for once in your miserable broken life and tell me what you’re really thinking, e.g.,Hey fuckhead!, I JUST LOST MY LOVER., I hurt too dammit!
Her: When I said “I love you” to him, I meant it like I would say it to a good friend or relative.
Me: Except you didn’t FUCK those good friends or relatives. But hey, it’s only semantics right?
Her: I now realize how much I love and want you.
Me: NO, you’re scared shitless because you now realize that your free meal ticket just may have an expiration date printed on it!
And my all time favorite….
Her: No we didn’t use condoms! He has been married for over 35 years, just like us. We don’t use condoms do we?
Me: OK uncle!, I give up :-0
Particulars… Her affair lasted 3-1/2 years. 11 months of false reconciliation ended when I found out she was still in contact with affair partner. Divorce will be final on 6/6/13 (prophetic date don’t you think?) The end.
“Her: When I said “I love you” to him, I meant it like I would say it to a good friend or relative.
Me: Except you didn’t FUCK those good friends or relatives. But hey, it’s only semantics right?”
You should have said, “so you sleep with your good friends and relatives. If this is something other members of your family do as well that would explain a lot.”
Of maybe just a horrified, “you sleep with your good friends and relatives!?!”
– yup, I got the same thing about it being a brother-sister love. Even though the same series of texts had “goodnight sexybum” and the phone bill revealed hundreds of dollars of calls and texts to her incl. during the day when “you mustn’t ring me / disturb me at work”!!!
But apparetnly SHE threw herself at him when he was “vulnerable”. The phonecalls instigated by you, mate, tell a different story.
… it took him 6 months to admit to sex… all the fake time in counseling… all the pretend attempts… the trip to Mexico with our daughter – he was loaded the whole time…
Her husband and I (as we were all “friends” of course) sorted it out… comparing notes… dates… It caused me to research his turnpike pass, his phone records, his check register, his credit card receipts… man – he even just regularly charged the motel room on his regular checking account debit card!
I finally called him from work “i need to see you now”
“ok”
“I’ll be home in 10 minutes”
he was upstairs in his office… I asked..
“did you have sex with (OW)?”
he turned and looked at the wall…
“yes”
“why have you lied to me for so long?”
“BECASUE SHE DIDN’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW. I PROMISED HER I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE”
MMB, how did he react when it came out? I mean do you think he wanted to get caught or do you think he was just so cocky that he thought he never would? My wife worked pretty hard not to get caught but she had it a lot easier (SAHM with ample free time and no suspicion from me).
Actually Hearth Builder – he said more than once – I think I wanted to get caught… he said he was a bad liar.
That was wierd, I think it was getting to be “too much” for him.
Strangely enough after so many years of lies, I still had a shred of empathy for him. He said after I caught him with his pants down – so to speak – “I always hoped you would find someone else” said I”drove him away because I was “jealous and resentful”. In fact those were the first words he said to me when I caught him with the OW. What bullshit. She was not the first I had been told about and knew about, just the most pervasive. I had such blinders on becasue I had goven up so much to move 5 states away to be with him… and corporate directorship. left my family and friends, moved my then 11 and 6 kids, only to – within two weeks – have him say ” oh why donlt you just buy that house across the street and lets not get one together. (this was 1990). I actually lost my cookies as they say, lost custody of my kids, and had a hard time “coming back”. I was so blind to the signs and held on harder and harder to his gossamer promises and declarations which misted away within a few months of my move. I was so foolish and as time passed, I realized I would not get out whole with my head up unless I caught him red handed….
He allegiance was never with me… his favorite term “whatever” to any comment, query or reply.
I really was beaten down emotionally by all of this.
Once I found him and went through a very humilitating “pick me” dance for 6 months – the truth was revealed. I think I held on so long because it was just the status quo.
We went through 5 months of joint counseling sessions; it was revealed after DDay that he had told his counselor right off the bat that he had told me he had sex with the OW,,, I discoved that tidbit when I had the “joint” counseling session wothout him after DDay.
What I do know is the whole marraige was a sham.
EXCEPT
I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter that I cherish… (he was screwing OW while I was pregnant I understand now – but that’s his problem.)
and
had I never lifted up roots and moved here – I would have never met the man I now love. Strangely enough, he is a friend of 43 years of my STBX and who’s wife, one of my best friends, passed away.
What I have learned:
YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE; ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE
PEOPLE WILL GET IN YOUR BUSINESS – LOOK AWAY
BE HONEST
BE KIND
RESPECT YOURSELF
There’s gonna fallout, know that the fallout will inculde people you don’t expect – not even in a million years.
Know to that you have so much support that’s in the wings – people that you don’t even know about.
As my mother always said ‘IF YOU CANT SAY SOMETHING NICE DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL” If you want to tell your “story” do it by action – keep the
gory details to yourself (that’s why I like this site – I can bitch).
My STBX was telling everyone I would F==K anyone… geee that’s hard to believe – I never even went out but ONCE for a friend’s birthday party , and I was so uncomfirtable being out… He said all kinds of crap to make himself look good. In the end, NAAAA. Didn’t work.
He still has his supporters, but I never liked them anyway.
I’ve got a great life.
I have great friends and family who I love and who love me.
My business made it through withouit my full attention – I little worse for the wear, but good.
My focus is on my daughter, who has had to grow uo too fast, and I have so much support, faith and love from my dear friend who loves me and lets me love him.
I’ve said in other posts how my STBX and the OW are moving into the house my ex and i own… I couldn;t give a rats ass, frankly. Got another text this weekend how it was “so emotionally hard” for him – so many of my :personal items: were still there: Boohhoo.. I’ll get the belongings out on my own time. …and don’t throw out my cookie cutters you asshole. …NOR all my big kids stuff in the attic. Just because you spread shit all over our lives doesn’t mean we each don’t have some shred of good memories. I guess he knows none of those include HIM. BooHoo for you.
I read your post this AM I am struggling so hard here. It becomes more and more apparent to me that as much as my husband keeps saying he wants a divorce he is not going to lift 1 finger towards the process; leaving it all on me. I feel so hurt. Damn it I am not the on who is involved with another person, I did not ask for the divorce. If I start the process there is no turning back and as much as I sure there is not much left to salvage here damn it I still care about him. He is so helpless when it come to real world stuff I keep telling him even if we mediate a financial agreement he still should consult a lawyer but no… he just doesn’t. I am frustrated, angry and so sad that he is forcing me to this.
Do what you need to do for yourself, He’s an adult and has to take care of his own life. “He is so helpless when it come to real world stuff..” He was certainly able to cheat wasn;t he?
Take care of yourself and don’t get sucked into his neediness. Read “Pick Me” a thousand times…
His excuse for never helping me with the kids/housework/family holidays: “you just want to dominate and control everything…so I leave you to your own devices” – well it is a catch-22. I am so exhausted from doing everything because he wn’t lift a finger that I do not pay him enought attention. So he seeks and finds that attention outside our marriage – from the first skank who comes along who “just wants to enjoy life” (read: blows all her money on alcohol and gambling then complains she can’t afford to feed her kid. Yet works FULL-TIME and pays subsidized rent)
Valentinesays
MM Burned, did he think you wouldn’t check after the serial liar he had become? You were supposed to take his word on face value? HAHA!
‘“BECASUE SHE DIDN’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW. I PROMISED HER I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE”—this takes the cake! So he could keep his promise to her but not to YOU, HIS WIFE?
Indeed, a man who is true to his word…whenever it suits him.
This is for those of us who are over forty. In my case waayyyyy over forty. From Andy Rooney. I too, can hardly wait to get out.
Andy Rooney’s thoughts on women over forty:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.
If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.
A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.
Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.
A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
Thank you Yoder for that! I thought of you yesterday on Mother’s Day as well…All the ‘mother’s’ were asked to take a pic and I was reminded how bittersweet it was for me. Glad that I did not pro-create with the assclown and a little sad because I really did want to be a mother. Ah well! I am HAPPY now…even though I don’t have children, I am in a much better place in ALL ways.
Thanks also for saying that about women over forty! I agree with it wholeheartedly! Andy Rooney got it right!
Our 40’s is the best time for us to come into our own!
I enjoyed my 40’s vaguely remember them on this side of 6o. But I did love the posting Thanks Yoder. I put it on my facebook page and shared it with a couple of my best over 40 friends
Thanks, I am glad you enjoyed it. When I read it I did an inventory and really came to believe h is a real son of a bitch and nothing he can say or do can ever make up for what he has done. I needed to realize that I will make it with or without another man in my life.
New one…. dealing with the X about picking up some stuff of mine he still has, and he wouldn’t answer my e-mails, and had changed his phone number. He finally called 2 months later.
Me: i just want my stuff.
Him: I didn’t answer because you are always so mean to me. You say you will never believe anything I ever say again.
Me: whatever… when can I drive the ten hours to come get my stuff.
Him: I WAS NEVER MEAN TO YOU, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO MEAN TO ME?
Me: Really? Never mean to me?
Him: well I did some despicable things to you, but I’ve already said I was sorry. I’m not mean to you now.
Me: well, lying to me is pretty mean. Abusing me is mean. Cheating on me is mean.
Him: Geez… why do you have to keep bringing that up… I am sorry for that every day,, trust me.
Me: i’ll call you when I get to town. Bye.
The pencil sharpener comment made me laugh til I cried. This entire post is the best I have read about idiot cheaters. Yoder is right this should be a book.
I am always amazed that cheaters think that if they have “forgiven themselves” everyone else has/should too! Just amazing. “Why do you always bring that up!” “There you go again” blah blah The are such selfish boors. It comes up every time I have any communication with him. …and I’m supposed to have emparthy for his “pain” of having to move back in [with his girlfriend of 36 (count .em) years} into the house we shared. Boo Hoo. Everyone else is supposed to pour honey all over him while he sprinkles salt and vinegar. Turd.
First time I found out about XH cheating:
“You never have any time for me. The kids take up all your time.”
“She rings me and talks to me; you never have the time.”
Well, if he helped parent the kids he chose to create, I would have more time. Instead he drank rum with his mates, went to the pub and slept. He was away for a week at a time for work – I would call him when he was on the road and he often ‘didn’t have time to talk.’
Second affair:
“She is my drug counsellor!”
XH used speed for work as a truck driver.
Third (and final affair):
“You are boring, our marriage is boring, we never have sex, I am entitled to my fun.”
Me: “And now you are welcome to have all the fun you want. Do I need to get tested for STDs?”
Him: thinks about it for around 30 seconds….”No I think you should be ok.”
Had to deal with the ex this weekend. After I drove ten hours to get the last of my things, he left me waiting, as usual. Things were going well, and I listened to what he had to say, feeling some chumpy compassion for him. He was spouting the usual about how he would “do anything” to get me back, how his life was not worth living with out me in it (bear in mind, this is after he had stood me up a few times) and “no matter what I do I wish I was doing it with you.” Now, he just moved in with some woman (not the AP, those were, almost, all prostitutes.) So I asked, couldn’t help myself really, when you are in bed with other women, do you think of me? The creep said yes… said he always closes his eyes and wishes it was me. I was grossed out and said so, and his response was :
” Those are my feelings, what am I supposed to do, deny them? It would be different if you weren’t alive.”
I pointed out that I was, indeed, very much alive, to which he said “well, I obviously know that.”
At first, I thought it was some veiled threat, then it dawned on me. This man has never been a mental giant, or been even close to capable of his own thought processes, usually taking his emotional cues from whoever he is sleeping with. His new woman is a widow, having lost her husband a year ago. The creep is comparing her husband, who died, to me, who moved to New Orleans…..
How much tidier it would have been had I just died.
I am so glad you made the decision to get out. So happy you no longer have to be around someone like that. New Orleans sound like a wonderful place to start a new life. If it was good enough for Tennessee Williams, just think what you can do.
I knew then and there we were over and he was a big pus*y because really, it’s not complicated, it is actutally pretty simple. You don’t lie and cheat. End of story.
Another good one is that “You know, a lot of people have affairs.” Maybe true but WTF, does NOT make it RIGHT!
The blameshift reasons I got were that “I had red flags about you, we had too much fun, it’s like it we were too good of friends and it was too normal”. He struggled with that I am NOT a co-dependent woman and that we didn’t communicate that much during the day. He and the woman he had an affair with would speak 5-6 times/day please 8-10 emails. I am sorry Mr. Bill, but I got a job, and it’s not to coddle your LAME ASS. In short, he can’t do normal, he is a serial cheater and I got out without too pain on my end.
Yes, funny, what he “loved” about our relationship is that it was healthy, normal, fun and we took things slowly, becoming friends, etc. After our 2nd date he told me that he dated some for 11 years and they both cheated on eachother at the end – versus dicussing they were not happy. Red Flag #1. Then came the trust issues. Red Flag #2.
Not to be too personal but another “Stupid Shit That Cheaters Say” is after the first time we had sex and I didn’t have the BIG O, I shit you not, he said “Well, you obviously are thinking about someone else…” I was floored. No, dumbass, if I was thinking about someone else I wouldn’t freakin’ be here! WTF!
Nonetheless, I trusted my gut and after stumbling up something odd while in the waiting room of the hospital (he was having his appendix out), I confronted him. And then the “It’s complicated…” bullshit.
Oh, the odd thing I discovered was while in the waiting room, I noticted he had a new funky wallet. I looked at it and then looked his DL. For no other reason that he was in surgery and I was concerned/missed him, and I justed wanted to look at a picture of him. I put it back and noticted there was another DL in his wallet. It was a woman’s DL, expired in 2010 but I knew what it meant. Confirmed it though by looking at his call log and one email train – which made me want to puke with stuff like “I love you so much, ” NaughtyKisses”
After I confronted him that night in the hospital, left with his stuff, I went home in disbelief and in a totally fog. However, given that I have a sense of humor, I replaced the other woman’s DL with my senior year HS picture (it’s from 1991)! The following day, he discovered what I did with he DL, he oddly enough didn’t find it too funny!
REALLY! REALLY? Well, I didn’t find it too funny that he lied and cheated on me, with a married woman to boot. In addition to having different values systems, I guess whe don’t have the same sense of humor!
RockGirl is now *meh*, indifferent and very happy to be done with FishGuy as he sucks.
Soon after discovering my husband’s two- year affair with a coworker….
Me: how could you have done this to our family?!
Stbxh: I told you! She admires me!
Me: do you know how much you have hurt us?
Stbxh: (screaming) YOU ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION LAST NIGHT! DON’T ASK ME AGAIN! IT HURTS MY FEELINGS!!!
And then…
STBXH: If your dad wouldn’t have gotten sick and died, I might not have had this affair. You just kept checking on him and not me!! Sue cared about ME!!! I resent your dad for doing this!!
Each comment conjures up in my mind, one word, “childish.” Cheaters become so childish about the way in which they rationalize their behavior. After 35 years together, I have raised our children, I do not intend to raise another one.
Five-month affair with her boss: “It’s not worth you being so upset about this silly thing that happened.” (I look at her ….. long pause) “that I did.”
Dear Chump Lady,
Wasn’t sure how to post, but here’s my question – What do you think is wrong with people like this – a married couple in an open marriage who go after pretty much anyone they can get, including family members like a brother or sister – whoever will go along with them in 3-way sex or group sex. Nobody is off limits. The whore wife has broken up at least four marriages, has multiple children by multiple partners, a few of which don’t even know they have children because she did not tell them – probably married men. There are no boundaries and anything is okay with them – sex clubs, gang bangs, hired strippers, sex with people they find online, 3-way sex with anyone who will go along with them, sex with family members, friends who will go along with them, co-workers, etc. with no thought or concern about the people they will hurt with their affairs, the marriages which will end, or the families they will tear apart by their actions. The whore wife will be with anyone she can get and has no feelings or concerns about the other women of the men she’s with. All men are fair game. Women are okay with her too. It’s what she does with no regrets almost as if it defines her having control over ruining other people by her power to get what she wants, whoever she wants. Her cuckold husband is okay with this as long as he can watch to take part in the sex in the sex. They appear normal until you become a victim of theirs after they have an affair with your spouse. Once they are found out, they point out that the spouse happily went along with them. They are not responsible for your spouse’s infidelity although they went after them knowing they were married. There is no human feelings of right or wrong, no compassion, no regret, even when families are torn apart. Are these people Sociopaths? Would posting them on Cheaterville be a good warning to others or a feather in their cap? How do people like this live with themselves? What is wrong with someone who has such low morals and decency? I can’t imagine living with the knowledge that you’ve destroyed lives, broken hearts and ruined families. They seem to get off on it.
I was dumb enough to go into an eight-month “reconciliation” with the cheater, despite his staggering infidelity with other men, women, financial disasters, horrible lack of integrity, etc. It turned out, of course, that the only reason he wanted to reconcile was to get out of paying child support, have me move back into the family home, I would work full time and support him while he continued trying to become an actor. I’m pretty sure he was still cheating during this time, too.
I kept insisting he needed to get some sort of day job, that he needed to be bringing in some money. He refused and said I was just horribly negative, that he would have to find someone else ‘to encourage him” and that if I really loved him, I would want to “ride the roller coaster of his life, even if we crashed and burned.”
We were sitting at breakfast when he announced, “I don’t see any reason to work on this marriage more, because it’s obvious you aren’t going to accept me if I don’t have a job.”
Yeah, I’m really unreasonable that way. I kind of expect a man in his late 40s should have some sort of employment beyond making YouTube videos of himself dressed in a Halloween costume and dancing while singing a really bad song he wrote.
So the conversation on “write a dating profile for your ex” reminded me of a great one…
It had been less than a month after I moved out, we were still in the “to reconcile or not” discussions and he joined Match.com.
Me: wow. that was fast. You’re already trying to date other women. I thought you were devastated by my leaving and couldn’t live without me.
Him: I’m just trying to meet people. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m not trying to date.
Me: You’re on a dating site.
Him: Yeah, but I’m nor trying to date, just meet people, you know, new friends.
Me: Bobby, this is a dating site. You’re trying to meet women.
Him: Well, I don’t want to meet MEN….
Me: hahahahahahaha. Did you really just say that? I gotta go.
“You need to take responsibility for your part in this.”
“I felt too guilty to get it up, so I didn’t actually have sex with her.” (when I found underwear).
“They are for you.” (when I found condoms. Even though he’d had a vasectomy)
“I only cheated because you did it first.” (I have never cheated).
When I would caught him in a lie and confronted him: “You are denying my reality.”
When my 13 year old son found nude photos of him and a woman and messages between them on his computer, he accused me of finding them and showing our son.
“I’ve never had this problem in any of my other relationships.” (like it is somehow my fault he cheated)
“I am trying to decide between you two” – WTF? yeah, I’ll sit here and wait, you go sleep with her! NOT.
“Don’t meddle by contacting here and ruin it for me” – but of course I did, she had no clue!
“our relationship was getting silly” – huh?
“I was cheated on before” – oh so that makes it OK?
He loves the psychobabble. Anything he has gotten from a therapist, he loves to twist it around. He is really proud of himself, too. Gets this look in his eye like “Aha! Got ya!”
So much stupid shit, but this is my favorite thing he said…My husband and I planned to meet at our vacation house. I went down a day earlier than we scheduled without telling him my plan. Sitting right on the bathroom sink was a bottle of Viagra. It had the date it was filled and was empty. Going by the date I knew we hadn’t had sex since it was filled. When confronted he said he took it ” in hopes of having sex with her “!!! My sweet revenge was getting the prescription transfered to a different pharmacy in a different state right before he went on a trip with her to the Bahamas. He has screamed at me about all kinds of stuff, but he has never said anything about his prescription being transfered.
” She is an old friend” “We are just catching up” this after he went at 2PM and came home at 2:35 AM. “you don’t understand friendship because you have no friends” Hmmm wonder who it is I have happy hour with once a week. “I am going to bind with her son because he had no father figure” freaking son is near 40 and the only bonding that was done was him pounding on mama until about 11PM and he got home at 1:35 AM. “You neglected me and our marriage” never mind I took care of a dying sibling for a few years, worked a full time job and took care of the house. “The old saying is if I don’t get what I need at home, I will get it some place else” uh yeah ok whatever, I was just as miserable as you but I did not look outside our marriage. “She is funny, she has a great personality and I enjoy talking to her, I will talk to her and if you don’t like it file the papers and I will sign them” Yeah sounded good when he said it, now the lying cheat want half my 401K.
When I confronted him with truth he said “you don’t know anything about her, you assume you know” Ok then listen to this as I quoted the last line of a text she sent him to talk about what a great time they had. His jaw hit the floor as he asked how I knew and then proceeded to tell me he was not giving up “all he had worked hard for” . I assume this to mean the house with no equity and my 401K.
“I called her last night and told her it was a mistake and sorry it went down like that” I said really then you have no problem getting rid of pics/vids/sex texts – his response was how did you know about those – uh didn’t until you just admitted they existed. Plus the fact you kept talking to her every day, getting pics of her whoo ha every day and numerous texts, but yet you will not leave the house and move on.
And golly gee Pollyanna – he wants to stay married because it “makes (him) feel secure”.
On top of that he lied about his income at the child support hearing, forgot to pay his taxes for three years, and can’t manage to pull together his real estate partnership values for the divorce settlement althought it was requested on 1/2/2012 – that’s eighteen months.
But he took 12 vacations last year…. substantial vacations.
And filed for support FROM ME because he can’t make enough money to support himself.
I swear I an SO READY to be single. He’s a classic case.
I am not sure if he really wants to stay married, but he said last Friday “I Do Love You” my response was how can you love me and continue to hurt me the way you do, you don’t do this to someone you love, you just don’t.
I did not get a text from him the rest of the day but when he came home 2 dozen white roses and dinner out. Certainly did not make up for the hurt he has caused, but I took them and said thank you.
I think he wants both of us, me for security and her for the kinky sex she likes. I am his third wife and she divorced her third husband because …get this…he CHEATED on her while she took care of her sick dad. How ironic is that?
Mine accused me of being overdramatic when i was telling him how he was hurting me and young his son by cheating, and playing the victim when I was crying.
He cried too. But only when I put down the retainer for the attorney. Priorities
I suspect he may be NPD as well.
“I am not in a place where I feel comfortable talking about this yet. You need to wait until I am ready, this has been so traumatic.”
On being told that he had tainted my first weeks with our newborn DD because I found out about his affair when she was 5 weeks old “Dont be so melodramatic”
and my personal favourite….
“I love you so much that I am afraid of losing you, I cheated so that I wouldnt care if you left” Eh?! 6 months later and STILL no clue WTF that means!
‘I will inflict any kind of pain on absolutely anyone, including the people I’m supposed to love the most, just so I don’t have to feel the slightest twinge of discomfort.’
She’s just my confidant at the gym.
That’s pretty stupid. I’ll add it to the list.
He came onto me is what the cheating lady says. Pfft. What cheating women don’t say is: I wanted it and was looking for it.
Unless they were attacked they encouraged it. Why can’t they just admit that?
wow! that’s what the OW said in my situation the other day.. now they are looking for a place, etc only been together since nov 4th
They cheat with each other, They will cheat on each other. Worry NOT !:)
to Loyalist, so, married John cheats on Barbara with Irene. And married Irene cheats on Conrad with John. And John has a reputation as a serial cheater having cheated on Barbara in both marriages to her and cheated on Paulette between his marriages to Barbara. And then John meets Danni and tells Danni he is divorced and rents, never telling Danni he lives with Irene in the house she bought to “house” John, his tools and his sons. And john then cheats on Irene and cheats Danni of the truth. haha.
They’re like the Jerry Springer show revisited. I divorced to get out of the chair throwing part.
No worries, the a…hat moved out on Sept 23 and moved right in with her. But she is “only” a friend. Right. Do they really think we are that stupid?
My husband’s OW told me she is a good flirter–she can’t help it that is the way she is. She did nothing wrong–he is the one that fell for it.
I got an email from the other woman telling me how to handle the divorce (she has had two) and everything I was doing wrong and that I’m not a good mother. Her opinion means nothing. Best part- she thinks dumbass is the one! They are perfect for each other!
I can empathize with your dismay, “how dare she?” Best thing, DO NOT honour her with a reply. Speak with silence. Ignore the ignorant.
Loyalist: Excellent advice. They will wonder what she is thinking. Nothing makes people wonder more than a big smile on your face and a quick step!
My husband’s OW said that “there is nothing wrong in helping a friend who was suffering in his marriage”. I guess receiving expensive gifts, giant bouquets, music and date nights with the “married friend” was her way of helping him. My husband says that she was just a friend for whom he had intense romantic feelings. I am supposed to eat the shit sandwich without any noise and in one gulp !
“I didn’t cheat on you. I love you. And didn’t sleep with her. She just gave me head.”
This is the first thing my ex husband said when the OW text me and found out about them..he finally fessed up ..smh..they’re both idiots..and yes silent treatment is the best response to both parties
I have spent over 3 years (out of 5) with a wife from China imposing and instigating arguments while particapating in unfaithful affairs and believing her excuse of lack culture knowledge only to have her tell me she wanted a divorce so she could continue an affair. It is evident that no matter what is offered, it is not enough for nacissistic people. She even tried to project the blame toward me for filing a divorce after staying after 1:30AM or not even comming home and telling me she has been involved physically with another guy” for a long petiod of time. Unknowingly I was hoping she would go through what I thought might be a period of adjustment….don’t wait, do it right away after clarification
Mine said the same exact thing!@
Best one my ex narc hole would say “Women that go through menopause are basically useless, us men need vibrant vaginas.” He was a real piece of useless work himself. I pray for the day he ages and his parts stop working correctly. Any man that uses menopause that a woman naturally goes through as an excuse to cheat with younger women is a loser! Why don’t men like this do all women a favor and move to remote islands far away from others! He ruined so many lives, it’s truly pathetic. What goes around comes around though!
Yikes! I feel sorry for any woman that encounters him in the future.
When I was in my 30’s my narc already commented that someday I would go through menopause. I laughed at that and said “are you worried? I’m not – I don’t think about it”. Was that out of concern about my well-being, health or whatever? NO. I should have figured it out when he didn’t seem concerned about my well-being during my pregnancies. Another time he actually mentioned in a letter that I will go through menopause (in my 30s still). He was actually concerned that I wouldn’t be able to service him or something. Sure enough, when the time came, 20-year younger women (in his case he was a serial cheater). Oh so predictable.
I need ky all the time because i work out at the gym and it stops chafing
I am helping him out because his wife is pregnant
stop telling lies, stop inventing stories
that never happened
i never said that
I yell and scream at you all the time because you wont believe me
“All you want to focus on is this ONE thing I did wrong!”
“It’s been over a month now! When are you going to let it go!”
“I’ve told you I’m sorry! What the F— more do you want from me?!!”
~quote from my soon to be EX of 15 years!! A true piece of work indeed!!
My husband affair was the gym owner
Mine married the gym owner!!
Oh god. My soon to be ex was having affair with assistant mngr at our gym!
My soon to be ex is still fucking the Brazilian at the gym with bigger shoulders than his, I wonder what else is bigger?
Funny… My ex boyfriend just told me he had slept with a married woman (who happened to be Brazilian as well) from his gym that is 10 years older then him. I always found it weird but he would tell me that she was just a “friend” and because she was married I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Apparently fake implants and 6 pack abs were more important then having a commited relationship with someone who truly loved him…
She doesn’t mean anything to me…. it won’t happen again, I swear….
…I’m new here, but have noticed a lot of cheating based around FITNESS…my wife cheated with a good friend who was an overweight alcoholic who decided to quit drinking and lose 70lbs. My wife spent a lot of time encouraging him…encouragement that included boinking him for a year. Why the big connection to FITNESS?
Ah, yes the fitness industry….I can fill you in a bit. I worked there many years and my cheater STBX has spent his entire career there. It is a disgusting manifestation of sexual wrongs. 1st it totally attracts Somatic Narcissists; they all get their energy and power and entire self-worth from their outward appearance rather than inner character. Trade Shows are practically orgies; a ton of drinking and a ton of beautiful people who are image obsessed. I’ve also consulted in the club it’s self. It was disgusting; young personal trainer sleeping with multiple “cougar” older women married clients, the sales manager trading out hotel rooms for guest passes with the hotel next door… honestly a sexual misconduct cestpool! And to no surprise my serial cheater used his employment in the fitness industry as the propeller for his gross lifestyle (all while playing to me like he was one of the few good guys in the industry.) Now, even facing my awful employment situation, I flat refuse to work in the fitness industry even though I have many, many professional contacts there.
Man, been chumped, that’s awful!
Okay so is anyone else noticing the trend with Brazilian women and the gym or is it just me?
Today my dumb husband ,told me tge number I found of his female coworker was hidden under his sister name because I’m so jealous and she just wanted to buy a Lil marijuana now and then. Okay it’s medical ,so why would u hide anything from your wife.and he has came home smelling like vomit and God only knows what it really was.smh .and he is a porn addict.He is trying to drive me crazy and bankrupt me.my 645 BMW I BROUGHT is broke after he did God knows what in it while I was on a business trip.
Please help me you guys .cause I think I’m losing my mind seriously ..
Precious Imdone123…..
Being this is a Saturday, many of us recovered Chumps are out reclaiming our cheater-free life. That is why you have no replies prior to this moment. I mention that, not to rub salt into your fresh wounds, but to let you know you have a better future ahead of you!
Yes, I remember clearly the times I nearly lost my mind thru all the twists & turns! For me, my spiritual focus and my prayers to our Creator were key in maintaining my sanity!! THAT is first and foremost…..Pray, Girl, Pray!!!
Next, step away from the ‘crazy train’! Please, step away! Do Not Go ballistic on him! Calmly step away! Calmly….This is where prayer comes in to play….Praying in faith will accomplish far more than raging! Trust me, sister…..trust me.
Been there, done that / raging does NOT work! Calmly remove yourself from the mayhem and chaos. The monetary concerns do not matter. They really don’t! Concern yourself with calmly removing yourself and any children from this insanity. Breath deep, pray & pray some more…..
Forge on!!!
How can anyone be calm when their being cheated on ? Especially when I feel as though other people are helping him do it.
My last spoken words to the cheater were that “he has to live with himself”. And, that was before I learned of the five plus year affair. I highly recommend NO CONTACT. Yes, there will be days when you feel that you cannot make it through and that you are losing your sanity…but, it gets easier. Yes, you will be better off without the cheater.
Kim……How? you ask?
Not in your own power, that much I have learned. That is why I shared with Imdone123 what really, truly worked for me. (and many others!)
I PRAYED & read and studied the scriptures & PRAYED some more and learned from others what works & what doesn’t. Then, I PRAYED in faith some MORE. Or, should I say, I prayed pretty much non-stop for about 3 years?!
I would literally wake up in the night, terror seizing my soul and I would already be praying to our beloved Creator before I was even fully awake. And, YES, it worked! I received comfort and strength to endure.
I understand about others ‘aiding and abetting’ the affair. I think that every one who has been cheated on experienced the same. I most certainly did! That is why the advice from those of us who have successfully navigated this insanity is so vital for those like you who are currently in the center of the cesspool.
Kim, you have found ChumpLady. THAT is huge! This is one of the greatest resources that will calm your soul so you can ‘get a grip’ and do what you need to do to save your self & any children you may have. Tracy also has links to other excellent resources. You are obviously reading thru the articles & archives here. Keep doing it! And PRAY, Girl, PRAY!
And I will repeat my other advice to Imdone123….DO NOT respond in kind if your cheater is raging or trying to provoke you.
HUGS to you as you ForgeOn!!!!
I think all the praying is unnecessary, if you have the strength to endure, you have the strength to endure. God is imaginary, but if it helps use it!
I know exactly how it feels to be betrayed on. I still have panic attacks in the morning and I an so scared that the pain will always remain the same. Thanks to this site I have learnt that cheating has nothing to do with you. The cheater just shows how week and foolish they are. Please pray and ask for Gods grace. I am struggling everyday with my life. My husband is still cheating and plans his life with his soul mate. The other woman posts on Facebook how lovely it is to sleep with a married man…..well karma does come back … Which normal healthy minded man can be proud of such a woman? The other woman may be his daughter and may THINK she is beautiful……but I am so much more beautiful especially INSIDE!
My ex cheated and wed my Son;s Mother in law!!!
You aren’t serious??? I thought the braindead fuckwit I unloaded, took the biscuit, but……. kudos hun I’m speechless at yours!!!
Wow!!!!! My ex H dated my son’s MIL and I thought that was weird. Good thing it only lasted a year. That same MIL was flirting and trying to sleep with my BF at my birthday party. Needless to say I stay far away from her. Only see her at my grndchildren’s Bday parties and Christmas…
My wife’s affair was the guy she works with who I invited to my house to do work. They played me like a fiddle. Too bad in CT you can’t throw the cheating scum out. Better yet she still gets half of everything even admitting she cheated. I think it is high time cheaters pay when they cheat and that only happens when you hit them in their pockets. You see cheaters will always be cheaters and the emotional thing they can care less about. They must pay financially. If by marriage you make a contract with a person through the eyes of the government there must be consequences for the cheater. Financial consequences that is the only remedy. People learn fast when they lose money and can’t take something from someone they cheated on.
I don’t get it either. You say your wedding vows, you get a marriage license. You have to go through the whole bullshit. But one person comes along and takes it all away. And get away with it.
My husband has been cheating for at least 30 out of our 36 years of our marriage. I just learned about 5 years ago when he decided I needed to know. But later found out that the whore he is seeing now told him to tell me so it would take some of the guilt off of him. But really it was so he could perform better for her so he wouldn’t feel bad for cheating on me again.
His head and heart was with her for about 30 years. He was giving her money, wining and dining her and buying her gifts.
It was very convenient for them two to do what they were doing because it’s his brother’s wife and no one suspected it but me. And of course no one believes what I’m saying. They think I’m jealous of her. But not true, nothing to be jealous of. She was trying to act like me and be like and she wanted my life. Well she got part of it Him.
Pretty sad to cheat on your wife with someone trying to be like her.
A year before he left he was doing what he pleased . Coming and going whenever he felt like it and there was nothing I could do about it. The law says he can and he didn’t have to tell me where he was or who he was with.
So much for a marriage license….
He pretty much kept me isolated. He didn’t want me to work then my health started going hill . Sick all the time. Later I found out that I could pick up on his deceptions. ( Empath ).
Now that we’re going through a divorce he’s telling people and his attorney that I can work I just refused.
I would like to know when I will get justice for all the hell him and her put me through.
I was used and abused, neglected and humiliated.
So good luck with you trying to get justice.
sorry about that
“I saw something I liked and went for it!”
(So, that makes it OK?!)
“I thought she would make me happy!”
(Who has ever experienced happiness by ‘swimming in the sewer’?
And one that others have posted already:
“I thought our marriage was over!
(Well, it is NOW!)
On Dec 26 I found out my husband of 14 years had a affair while deployed and “I really thought our marriage was over!” is his number #1 excuse…
Me: Let’s do x, y, z to celebrate our 10th anniversary.” His response: Crickets, crickets, crickets…
Then several months later: The whore “just happened”… “I thought we (i.e. the marriage) were over…”
Me: WTF? Did you say we were over? No. Did you file for divorce? No…
Really, WTF? Who the hell is this person?!! And by who-the-hell, I mean the person I married, not the skank-ho…
Actually, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have exerted more energy on him… I would have just let him go…
Love is a resource… and it shouldn’t be wasted on people who don’t appreciate it…pigs and pearls and such… I am heart broken… but how many people (or animals) in the world would have so loved and apprecited the kindness I squandered on him??
So, so, so, so, so, so sad…. If people were at least honest and respectful, a marriage could dissolve with dignity and perhaps even a distant respect… but lying and cheating??
My heart to all those dealing with this madness…
Why be upset about cheating at all. Sex isn’t always “love”.
Leon, are you trying to be ‘ironic’ or are you really such a moron?
The clue is in the name “Cheating”. Open relationship, polyamoury, polygamy, non-exclusive…all fine because they are relationships where both parties are in agreement to have secondary relationships away from the primary relationship. Cheating involves lying, sneaking around and not being honest. You will find that it isnt the sex or the love or anything else that hurts so much as the knowledge that for the entire time our partners were cheating, they were LYING to us. And if sex isnt always love, why not be honest with your partner and say that you want to have sex with someone else, giving them the chance to decide whether they want to be in an open relationship or not? Oh thats right, you dont want an open relationship do you? Because that would mean that your partner was free to sleep around too, and its amazing how many cheaters turn into complete effing hypocrites if there partner does what they are doing!
excuse typos…there/their etc!
Its gutless and nasty at best. Then you have the rest of the crap to help it along, like the lies, the baiting and blaming to justify to the witless their behaviour { well I only shagged your sister, amoung many others because YOU…..fill it in} I had the best sex of my life when we were living in…….away from family and friends and I didn’t work for 9 years……. because YOU were always so busy working and not …………. fill in the gaps. There is the betrayal of my life and my family and my values, to which every brainless bint he has at the time, to justify what a mad woman I am, how useless I am, how now he s met her { and her divorce settlement, pension, social security payments} his life will be ok. EXCEPT when she finds out he s full of shit, steals from her, clouts her, tries to flirt with her 20 something daughter, it ends in tears, and the boomerang is back. He s sick. He is dying. He will kill himself. { well if you’ve made up your mind….} Then he damages property, people, lies, and…..; 5 years, 3 changes of address and loss of everything { including any dignity sympathy every shilling, that I already had…..} and I went to the police. Ispent a year in my house. On my own. away from the madness. Hiding when I did nothing wrong. I wasn’t even married to the prick. My marriage to my late husband was nothing like that. Finally rid. Hate him with everything I have, and hate my stupidity more.
My story to a third
Yep, I got that one. Along with I’ve been unhappy since the beginning (26 years).
Yup, mine wasn’t happy either from beginning of our 23/24 years. I played it over and over and even timed it with my Mom. “Hon, we need to talk. I love you but I don’t want to be married to you anymore. I met someone blah blah blah. ” Few seconds it takes to say that. Sure, I may have wigged.. I wigged anyway right? It may have been hard, it was hard anyway, right? Ah,why would someone who never loved me anyway leave me with any dignity?
mine has just left a month ago…because he felt unloved…Turns out affair been going on since last August on the day we went to London to a Madness concert,which wastwo weeks after we got back from our first fabulous holiday without the kids…on the day we got back it was his 50th birthday and we threw him a surprise party with his favourite band there ,after picking up his brand new Mercedes sports car birthday present….but bless he felt so unloved!!!!
This is his third affair in our twenty two years together along with a few sextings to fat ugly skanks…what can I say I am a slow learner, but this time I said “no more” …he begged and pleaded again telling me I am his heart and soul and he cant live without be ..but ten days later he took the replacement (me and the children do not believe she deserves to be called by a human name) to Milan for a long weekend….ooh he was soooooo devastated and we haven’t heard from him since
My BF’s excuse was he thought I didn’t want him anymore. Well don’t you think it would have been better to talk to me first before you just go out and screw someone else??? SMH!
I am sick and tired of you not believing me! You are always so negative.”
“Okay, fine, yes, I did have sex with her.”
Kristine: I can match that – “I don’t watch porn! I don’t even like it! I’ve never liked it! God!! Why do you keep accusing me of things I didn’t do? I can’t take it!”
“So what if I watch porn?”
(chat, watch, webcam, download)
Totally just heard this said in the last couple weeks!
Two YEARS of “I don’t ever watch porn, I don’t like it,” etc., etc. Then, when caught, comes the innocent yet pissed off “So what?” as though it was the first discussion on the subject.
So what? I’ll never get that time back, listening to hours of denial (she’s just a friend, strip clubs are a waste of money, etc., ad infinitum). And, she was just a friend, smart girl – she wouldn’t have him (whiny begging is a turn-off); $500 a pop for strip clubs. God, every last thing out of his mouth was a lie. I saved this line from another chump, Scott, about his wife, but it applies:
“I now realize that 95% of what comes out of her mouth is a lie and the remaining 5% is an attempt to deflect the conversation.”
Hell to the yes.
Sitting in the same room and he forgets, maybe, to plug in his ear phone headset; the volume is on high and I suddenly hear the introduction of the video for wannabe Mr. Christian Grey, ” You are watching Episode 8 of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey'”. I asked, “So you are watching ‘Fifty Shades of Grey'”? He smirks and grabs the plug for his iPad. I haven’t had intimacy in years. Our first night of our honeymoon. No sex, just sleep. I’m to tired. Vaseline, baby oil in secret locations for masturbation. Free viagra samples in his drawer, but gets so drunk he can’t perform. Covert narcissist just grabs my boob to tell me to come to bed for sex after he’s read or seen something. It’s was awful. I am glad after a year of no contact and still working on the divorce that he discarded and abandoned me.
He tried to hide that he went to parties when I was gone.
He’d get so drunk he’d fall down the stairs and I ‘d come to a new hole in the wall the size of his head.
To punish me if I was on a trip he approved of me going, he put sticky stuff on the floors. It would take me five times mopping to get it off. He had no clue what it was?
Later, it became the dog attacked, so I would not allow him out of his crate. The poor dog had been locked in the crate 23 hours. No food. No water. No getting to use the bathroom.
He escalated quickly once my sister and I started hanging out with each other. He did not like that I had friends and was social and nice to others.
“You need to look in the mirror “. His favorite statement or call me a name.
Flirting with the office girls in front of their husbands and me. Sitting on their laps. It was humiliating.
Nothing here is yours.
Are you going to give me that money?
Fearing my appointment with my Finanacial Advisor and insisting on going.
Spending all the money on ?
You need to be a SAHW.
I am embarrassed about how you are dressed when you come to town. I was coming to get feed for the farm critters.
You asked me to stop by and meet a family member.
I paid for lights for you to ride your horses at night. But you were so drunk, if I got hurt, no one would know and you would be passed out.
Ha! Totally heard this!
Sounds like the exact words stated to me. These creatures have no self respect for anyone not even themselves. What goes around definately will come around. The world evolves around this theroy without variances…believe it or not. This is true.
Just before D-day, I got a nude selfie from him, and then one Saturday afternoon, he propositioned me naked with;
“You could have had THIS!”
pointing to his abs and his dick, wearing a look of disgust on his slick mug of a face.
Right at this point in time, I could hear my three kids (aged 4, 2 and 11mo) squabbling loudly over something near the TV room and (me not being AT ALL in the mood for afternoon delight), ran out of the bedroom away from him to sort the kids out…
funny…..mine said the OW was his “Emotional Mentor” helping him to train to be a triathlete.
So, this one is perfect because my soon to be ex-husband was going to the gym with the OW (his co-worker) at lunch time and having sex with her in the parking lot after they would work out.
Her husband called to tell me…
NO RESPECT
I just sent her picture of my dick because I thought she was a transvestite.
“I was just using Tinder to meet new friends!”
…. Oh that’s why your browser history also had an article titled “How To Get Laid On Tinder. Kept that little bit to myself and instead went in for the kill “Do you think I’m fucking stupid?!” Clearly, he did. I was not.
So done…. soooooo done the moment I found out about the infidelity.
… I wasn’t using Snapchat…. I just wanted to see what sort of losers go on there…..!
My soon to be ex said, well if you just loved me more this wouldnt happen….
“I thought because you were a liberal you would be ok with it.”
(My response: That’s right-all liberals are ok with breaking marriage vows.)
“You never wanted to go anywhere.”
(My response: I hope you got those wonderful destination cheap motels out of your system.)
Wow. That is stupid. Hey, what does he/she look like? (On my link I have a form that asks this.) Thanks!
I got the same response to his first affair ‘you know people who are swingers and people who have open relationships, you’re OK with them. So I thought you might be OK w/this too!’
I didn’t even have to say anything, the couple’s therapist we were seeing pointed out that in those situations everyone knew what was going on and agreed to it!
And the dumbest thing of all is that if we had talked about swinging or threesomes or whatever, I probably would have been FINE w/trying it – I’m pretty adventurous – for something WE would try together! He actually made his sex life WORSE by having an affair. ‘Cause the affair made me realize that for him there was no ‘we’, only a ‘me’.
You go, girl. I totally agree with your view point. If there’s an open discussion and agreement then, WE could do something like that, but when they throw a party for two and it doesn’t involve you, then, yeah no. Totally agree that a lot more men than is probably realized, ruin what could’ve been the best and craziest sex life by having an affair and not coming to their partner who may have been open to other ideas and maybe even had some of her own.
mine cheated after ten years with a girl old enough to be my daughter and he line manger at work, and we had just started to swing at the same time, but he still thought he deserved better WTF ?
Yep. That is the problem with cheaters. Their problem extends beyond the cheating. There is no we, it’s usually just ME ME ME ME ME.
The entitlement is ridiculously.. guess I should added this line..”I felt like I had no choice.” Yeah you did, marriage counseling or divorce. He did it because he felt entitled to have what he wanted and thought I would never find out. Caring only about himself. Hard to get over that he was the one person I thought would never hurt me.
‘She’s fun’
‘Marriage shouldn’t be hard work’
‘I need sparks and butterflies’
‘You ignored me’
‘I have no friends’
‘We lost the connection’
‘She’s really, really fun’
He’s a serial cheat, by the way. Nasty piece of work, he is.
I want to draw sparks and butterflies. What is he, a 14 year old GIRL?
He acts like it, that’s for sure. He told one of the kids that love is ‘when you get that feeling in your stomach that makes it feel really excited. That’s when you know you’re in love’. So yes, he’s a 14 year old girl living in a grown-assed 40 year old man’s body.
Lord, that made me laugh. My ex, said he loved me but I didn’t give him butterflies or that spark that he needs. He is Peter Pan. Total narcissistic personality. A few months back he informed his sister that he “could have any woman he wanted” lol! Then last week he tried to sell me that he had changed. Ugh.
It is comforting to read others have heard the same BS and I am not “crazy” as he tries to paint me, when I stand my ground and insist on my boundaries.
I wish there was a “like” button on this site. JL and Barblicious, you both made me laugh and your comments reminded me of the movie “Hall Pass”. Have you seen it?
From an email: “Lately, we have matured as a couple and I slipped into a comfortable love. It’s not the same thing that others talk about – not a “fireworks-and-fanfare” kind of love.”
Not even three months (I think) into his ‘relationship’ with OW, he’s moved in with her and is talking about kids. I wonder how long the sparks will last…
To be honest, I found him exactly like a giggly 14 year old girl, waving his skanky arse around like a baboon. He didn’t se em to care who his collective audience was, man woman or undecided. Just the giggly attention. I always imagined his cheating to fumbling behind a bicycle shed with a quick woodbine afterwards. A louche immature yob. But the sense of entitlement, coupled with violence, projection and slandering the hell out of me was the damage. { just give me a grand, you ll never hear from me again} If only. { if you don’t, I’m reporting that outstanding tax bill you have from before I even got here}. The fall out, years down the line is still in the air. Karma , Ive heard you can be stern, but fair. Where the hell are you?????
Stace I was wondering about Karma too then I worked out his Karma is not having me love him anymore.
This re
ally got me laughing, as my cheater used to send me love letters with sparkly butterfly stickers and hearts all over them. I used to tease him about being an adolescent girl…
Though I’d been feeling uncomfortable about my partner’s friendship with a colleague, I was blindsided with the nature of things when I came home from work and he’d packed a bag to leave me. Not giving me much truth, I checked out his computer when he left.
There wasn’t much (they mainly texted/sexted her STBX would later tell me), but there was an Evernote he started keeping a few months prior documenting her likes, birthday, potential gifts to get her etc. He’s 33. It included things like: Lucky number is 13. Favourite bird is flamingos (but robins in winter). Matching green jumpers at lunch! And this is an adult relationship by two people who believe they are exiting their respective relationships with “greater understanding of what they want”. At one point, prior to my knowledge of all of this, we were out walking and he asked me if I had a favourite number. And what my favourite movie was. And this line of ‘just making conversation’ made so much sense later… For the record, I’m a grown-ass woman without a lucky number.
Also got “she’s fun” and “she’s happy” with the comparison “you’re negative”.
Also “there’s something missing”. What? “Just something. Maybe it’s always been missing, but it’s grown in the last little while.” Really? Could the sense of something missing growing in you possibly correlate with you going on clandestine dates behind my back, skipping work to go look at fucking flamingos on a national trust estate? Could that be it, hmm?
“I don’t know what I want.” Well why don’t you continue to date OW in secret while you ponder the question?
After moving in with OW: “I still don’t know if I made the right decision. But you couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t take me back, so I don’t know what good these thoughts are”. Um.. damn straight I couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t!
“Is there someone else?” “No, it’s not like that!” Ahahaaha.
I heard something similar – “there’s something missing”. I found it strange that over the course of that last year, I heard things like “you don’t like soccer” and “you don’t like playing cards” as if those are some new observations. I never pretended to get excited over those things from the beginning (25 years ago) unlike his pretending to share my interests. The OW was in his ear telling him how she liked soccer and would learn how to play cards (look how much we have in common!). Appealing to his vanity and narcissism backfired though since she became frustrated that he ignored her as a person in her own right (she wrote to me).
HA. Oh, consequences… still, why would OW write to you about it?? I hope it was to apologise.
I got “you don’t like craft beer” and apparently drinking my whiskey while he drank beer was really limiting his social life? He’s pretty meh about cocktails, but OW loves ’em. She also loves partying with girls 10-13 years younger than her. Which I think he thought looked fun as well. Two months in and they’re talking kids though, so they’ll see how long the fun lasts..
Also got “you don’t like super hero movies”. I actually enjoy the smart ones. We still saw an awful lot of these in the theatre and he indulged my interests in ballet and theatre. It became a big growing gap 7 years later I guess.
‘Something missing’ is just a vague, unoriginal, lazy, variant of blame shifting.
Oh, I got the “Marriage shouldn’t be hard work” comment, along with ” if you love one another marriage shouldn’t need anyone to do work at all.” Priceless.
Is there a handbook for these narcissists? My soon-to-be-ex has said THE EXACT SAME THING to me!!
Welcome, Claire! You have arrived at a ‘place’ of sanity and clarity!
Yes, they have a ‘handbook’, ‘manual’, ‘playbook’, ‘script’. Whatever you call it, the Devil himself is the Author! The Devil is very un-original…..he just recycles all the same lines of poo; that’s why all of us innocent spouses hear the same drivel!
Hang tough! This is the place to help you heal. Also check out Divorce Minister, another voice of reason who contributes his wisdom here at ChumpNation, as well.
Between these 2 blogs, you will find all the answers you need to regain your sane and cheater-free life! Check out the “Resources” section on both blogs. You will also find many links to additional professional resources within comments posted by other ‘chumps’ here at the ‘Nation’. REAL resources, such as the WomensLaw.org, Dr. George Simon, William ‘Bill’ Eddy, to name a few.
ForgeOn, Claire…..
Yes, there are a number of handbooks on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have a few of them too, its a special circumstance for the partner in such relationships. I just exited one, and have been learning a great deal about it. Give me a holler if you want a copy or some good links for your own research. One such awesome link is for vids offered by SPARTANLIFECOACH on YouTube – he makes it funny and easy to understand, while offering well substantiated material about it.
“Being with her is so easy. A relationship shouldn’t take effort.”
(Well, they have no kids, house, bills, taxes, or bank accounts together- just sex)
God some men are such idiots. Of course when his side dish bails to find more man candy he’s left wondering where his beautiful, stable, smart as hell wife went??
Sounds like the exact words stated to me. These creatures have no self respect for anyone not even themselves. What goes around definately will come around. The world evolves around this theroy without variances…believe it or not. This is true
My cheater said the same thing too – “I thought things would always be wonderful and stay the same”. These are the words of someone who doesn’t evolve. Really? You didn’t think you’d be changed by becoming a father, by experiencing setbacks and low periods, by appreciating life lessons even though they may not always be “happy”? Instead, he relies on fairy-tale notions, and blaming others if he is not “made happy”. Love is work and commitment (not just a feeling) and actually caring (not pretending to care). What’s missing is being grateful for all he had…his health, children with relatively few problems, financial security, not worrying for his safety every time he leaves the house, etc.
I got the exact same line. Marriage shouldn’t be work!!! I stood there with my mouth gaping wondering if he was kidding…
“You didn’t even care enough about me to ask me if I’m cheating”
“I wouldn’t cheat on her because she will keep me interested”
“I wish you would do bad things so I could feel better about my cheating”
Thanks, NoMore…you triggered my memory with your comments……
“I tried to make you hate me, so you would go away. I don’t understand why you just wouldn’t go away!”
(Perhaps it had something to do with my marriage vows?!)
“How dare you, how DARE you even ask such a thing!!! How disrespectful!!”
(said when I questioned whether he was calling her. I had finally gotten hold of the previous 8 months’ cell phone records, a time period he had claimed to have cut it off with her, had only 2 or 3 instances of phone contact. I was trying to give him an opportunity to ‘come clean’. Yeah right….Silly me!! He had been calling her multiple times nearly everyday, as well as still seeing her. This was before texting was available)
“What I really appreciate about her is…..”
(I cut him off…did not want to hear THAT one!)
“You’re just driving us together!”
(I think they all say a version of this)
“I was planning to leave you anyway once the children were grown.”
(Well, then just leave. Don’t cheat!)
Another of his justifications was that I did not want more children. Of course not! Why would I want to continue to reproduce with a cheater & abuser?!
(His last whore was married, with 2 toddlers. He is older than HER father! She got pregnant during their affair and he was hoping it was his. Nope….was her husband’s child. As it was, she had 6 guys total she was juggling, so the odds were against him anyway! GAG!!! That’s the main reason he did not go live with her—would cramp her style!)
Forge on, friends……
Yikes. Mine tried to be really rude to me on purpose for an extended time so that I would leave him. It made me WANT to leave him. It made me cry in the car while praying WISHING I hadn’t taken those vows so that I could leave him, but it did not make me actually leave him until I discovered he was having another affair. Even after that, it was a few months of shock and humiliating myself before I realized that I had the perfect opportunity to no longer be stuck in this pain. I decided that maybe I should leave while I still had biblical justification to do so.
I felt like I was in high school. I really expected more maturity than that from someone who was 30 at the time. Seriously.
Hey SueB,
{{{{HUGS!!!}}}}
Just reading through this column this morning and see your reply to my comment. (I read thru every now & again to help keep me sane! And, to get a chuckle!!)
Yup….They totally lack any maturity! They NEVER mature. In my situation, CheaterPants was late 40’s when he spat out all those lovely words and did all those lovely things to ‘make me hate him’. (Sorta worked…..l don’t ‘hate’ him. Just no longer love him or give a flip!)
Now, he is almost 60 and he is actually getting worse. Which is par for the course with the disordered. Defies the laws of nature, of physics, of everything! Now, the ‘Stupid Poo’ he says is in conversations with our grown child, as I rarely speak to him. And, boy are they doosies!
My son shares with me and boy! do we get rolling on the floor laughing at his crazy spew. Yep, l do believe l have reached the amazing Land of Meh! (PS: This year, wedding anniversary falls on a Tuesday! How Divine!)
Forge on, SueB….ForgeOn, Nation! Love to all……
I would always say I would leave if he ever hit me. A month before we were arguing and he hit me. First time in 19 years I was shocked. He said I know what this means. He wanted me to leave. I was standing there and my daughter walked out and said what’s going on and I couldn’t do it. When I found out about the cheating. I kicked him out but he wasn’t man enough to leave on his own.
I think we forgot the proverbial
“I LOVE YOU BUT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU”, the ultimate lisence to cheat.
From what I’ve read “I love you but I’m not in love with you” isn’t their license to cheat. It’s actually the result of the affair.
They start out cheating for the thrill or whatever, but then they feel sparks and butterflies. Because the marriage isn’t new or illicit, they don’t feel the same sparks and butterflies and start thinking something must be wrong with the marriage. Because, hey, they are sparkly little pre-teens trapped inside a grown person’s body and they honestly do not understand the difference between mature love and sparklies. Once they become addicted to the affair sparkles, cheaters come up with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” line as an excuse to justify their new sparkly source of kibbles.
Because, it sounds so much better to them to say that stupid line than to admit that they need kibbles.
Agree with I love you but not in love with you being result of affair not cause. I think we all got that line. If they truly loved us but no longer in love and were a decent human being then they come and talk to you about it. You both end lovingly and both get established in new life and healing before entering any type of other relationship. It is called breaking up and starting over and in doing so respecting each other and the union that you once had.
Wow, are you married to my husband?
I am not IN love with you
I don’t feel passion with you like I do with her
We have fun together
I wasn’t happy
I just want casual relationships
I always wanted a 3some and knew you wouldn’t do that
I am torn
I never wanted to hurt you (despite F*(&ing a girl in a parking lot at the gym, DAILY)
I never thought you would find out
We weren’t having sex
She looks at me the way you used to
Variation on I never wanted to hurt you. This is a direct quote sent in a text.
“I made one massive, drawn out mistake but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you.”
Actually, I think it’s the very definition of not caring about me, asshole!
Ugh
When we (primary gf and me, unknowing second gf) confronted him on Christmas. He peeped thru the door and said:
Monster: “I live a double life, ok!”
Us: “Why did u do this to us!!?!”
Monster: “Nothings ever enough!”
Primary GF: “We’ve been together 4 years!”
Monster: “The relationship has been over for 2 years”
Me: “What the fuck is wrong with u?!?!”
Monster: “I like variety ok. I guess I’m good at it”
The spark is the bane of my fucking existence! Apparently that’s the most important thing ever. That GD MFing SPARK! And ILYBINILWY. That I KNOW came after the hookup. I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt you. I need to find my happiness. The marriage was over and you didn’t love me anymore. (THAT’S why I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in the last two months! Because I DIDN’T CARE ANYMORE!)
I think I posted this already somewhere else on the site, but I got the I DIDN’T CARE ANYMORE too….he said “you didn’t even care enough to ask me if I was cheating”. But when I asked him if he would have answered truthfully, he said “probably not”. He just wanted the drama of me worrying that he was cheating. It’s nuts really.
I got the “You ignored me ” excuse too or “your face is always in your cellphone.” I was in Direct Sales and trying to make extra money…
“She works on My team. Of course, I have to have lunch alone with her. And I walk to the train with her every night, too. What’s Your Problem? I’ll be fired if I don’t. You just want me to lose my job.”
“I don’t have to wear my wedding ring to prove I love you, of course I love you. I don’t think I should have to Prove anything.”
I was married to a over-intelligent, charming sub-human with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Interestingly, all my, male friends refer to him as a douchebag. My former female friends just made excuses for him.) I put up with way too many years of mindfuck. I was slowly, over years, being driven crazy – I had no clue what was happening, he was so good at twisting everything around that I couldn’t think straight.
He had emotional affairs and threw it in my face – “You should be grateful I didn’t stick my dick into her,” and then he resented me for it. Threw him out March 2010. 4 days after I filed for divorce, Surprise! he had a new girlfriend – the one from the top quote. He got rid of her and begged to come back in Oct 2010. He even started wearing his wedding ring – yeah, that was an impressive move (no, I did not take him back). Divorce final July 2011. I haven’t spoken to him in a year. It’s a slow heal, but I’m getting clearer and stronger everyday. Thank you, thank you, for your website! Your writing is great – I really enjoy it. Reading it has helped me a lot, and I imagine it’s helped a lot of other women, too.
Thanks THO. Boy he sounds like a real asswipe. Grateful he didn’t stick his dick in her? I’d reply “You should be grateful I don’t chop it off.” He’s astounded you don’t want the wonderfulness that is him BACK? LOL. Congrats on getting out of that. All the best to you.
I had a very similar experience. My ex carried on a lengthy affair with a co-worker. When I confronted her about it she said “he was my boss, what was I supposed to do?” My response….REPORT HIM
mine got fired bcz she was one of his managers, then they both got jobs at the same company again ( I believe he helped get her hired in) so they were still working together but she wasn’t directly under him at work so she could still be directly under him out of work. jackholes. BUT I am a bitch and a liar since I planned the divorce and didn’t tell him until I filed.
gawd this sounds like mine…yep and I too am the bitch because I threw him out of his house and divorced him…hmm I wonder why?
Honestly, you’re the bitch if you divorce him and you would still be the bitch somehow if you didn’t. I think you made the right choice because now he has to find someone else to be HIS bitch.
My ex blamed me for ending the marriage (after finding out about serial cheating for 25 years)…he said “I decided to stay, but you told me to move out – so it’s your fault the family will be broken”
Oh, yeah…..I remember being told similar. He wrote an email and said:
“Remember, you are the one that rejected me!” …..because I was the one that actually finally moved out of the marital home.
Oh, oh another……in a txt about a year ago, he says this really stupid line: “I told you, you could come home!” I made NO response. crickets…..
Seriously?!? Are you freakin’ kidding me?! Oh, just what I was prayin’ for, your ‘permission’ to get back on the ‘crazy train’. My son about lost his lunch laughing when I shared this.
Son’s response? “Oh, how thoughtful of him! Home? To what?! A lying, cheating a______?! And, that’s not even your house! (sold marital home) Yeah, bet you are really ‘up’ for that!”
Forge on, all….ForgeOn!
Yeah, LOL I got that one too! “I told you, you could come home!” I also got cheating made me realize how much I love you. Wow, so in 25 years he could not know he loved me until you cheated? His AP had another AP and lied to him playing same game on him as he did me. He says to me, why couldn’t she just tell me? Why did she have to sneak and lie?
My soon to be X was still wearing his wedding ring months after he walked out the door and into the OW house. My daughter,age 14, one day on one of their rare meetings just asked him out of the blue for the wedding band back “because she didn’t want him using that wedding band if he married the whore and since he was such a cheap bastard he probably would”. My daughter felt since I had given it to him in love he didn’t deserve it or what it represented.
Smart daughter. Good to know that your values got into her instead of his. Major win for you!
Separated from a cheating narc with bi-polar, PTSD and addiction issues. Been together 8 years. 4 months after our wedding he had an affair and the husband of the OW called to tell me. He strung me along for 8 months till I finally ended it. Despite him telling me when I kicked him out that he was living in his car and throwing up from anxiety, he was and still is living with her.
The 8 years of mindfuck is ending but the damage is still there.
If you neglect me I know I’ll go and find me someone who will be there for me.
It wasn’t intimate. I never kissed her. I just threw a rubber on and stuck my dick in her.
Me: Why is there a broken up condom box in the garbage since we don’t use them?
Him: I gave some to a family member and then I opened up the new box just in case.
Me: Why is there a used rubber on the side of the bed?
Him: Oh, I used it when I masturbated to see what it would feel like.
Me: (while folding his laundry) Um..whose underwear are these?
Him: I take it they aren’t yours?
Me: Um, No.
Him: Oh, one time so and so came by and had to use my washer and dryer because hers wasn’t working.
Me: Gee, I noticed these two long red hairs in the bathtub. I haven’t showered here in weeks and the hair is perfectly straight (mine is curly). Did someone take a shower besides you?
Him: Hmm….I’m the only one that took a shower yesterday. (then a few days later) Oh, I looked at the hairs, I think they are my underarm hair.
Me: Oh, I saw this note on the floor that said you would be seeing someone at 7:30 in the morning with a smiley face on it. Are you talking your ex-gf somewhere in the mornings?
Him: Gee, I don’t know what note you are referring to. I might have written that to my son when I had to do some work. And, no..she’s had a dentist appointment a while back early in the morning but I don’t know of anything else. (I overheard her tell him she would see him in the morning).
Me: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him: NO!
Me again: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him again: No!
Me after hearing him talk to her and say that what they had was the best thing that never happened: Are you cheating on me with your ex-gf?
Him: Well, we did it once when you and I were broken up. But, I was lonely and it only happened once.
Wow, that’s a lot of stupid. Very sad. Please tell me you’ve gotten the hell away from all that.
“Me: Gee, I noticed these two long red hairs in the bathtub. I haven’t showered here in weeks and the hair is perfectly straight (mine is curly). Did someone take a shower besides you?
Him: Hmm….I’m the only one that took a shower yesterday. (then a few days later) Oh, I looked at the hairs, I think they are my underarm hair.”
OMG…I had the same thing happen to me. Except my NPD told me they were long carpet fibers and NOT the hair of his SUPPOSED Ex-Girlfriend that he had supposedly broken up with months before we got together. She had Long, dark hair, like the ones I found in the shower. Aka carpet fibers per the lying mind screwer. Nothing but crazy making,
He’s as good a liar as my ex. We were supposed to be reconciling and the other woman called him. She was talking loudly, so I could hear it was a woman’s voice. Shaken up, he said he’d be right there. I asked who that was. He said it was his boss who, ironically enough, is a man with a manly voice. I said, “Really, because this is the first time he ever sounded like a woman.” My ex tried to play it off like I was just all paranoid.
Could have gotten away with it too. All he had to say is that it was his mom, but he picked a man instead.
Reminds me of this one..
“Why did you buy a new box of condoms? We weren’t running low and you’ve never previously bought them because of course our sexual health should be part of the rest of my emotional labour in this relationship.”
STBX: “I was experimenting on myself with a dildo while you were away and I read it’s better for hygiene.”
Oh it took me awhile (not all those happened at once) but I am finally done with that piece of crap. 3 years of this I tolerated. He was an alchie too. I learned my lesson and am taking care of me.
Thank goodness. All the best to you.
You’d like her. She’s just like you. (Oh puleeeze. I’ve never prostituted myself. I have never handed my children over to my mother-in-law to raise. I’ve never moved into the bed of a married man……and that’s just the beginning of the horrors this cheap whore committed.)
She had no choice. She made so much more money. (She made so much more money hooking because she only has a grade six education and can’t speak English.)
How about you get me 95% of the time and she only gets me 5% of the time on Sunday afternoons. And you’ll get the new, better me. (Wow. How generous of you!)
(If he ever finds his way here he’ll recognize himself! What kind of pathetic moron says shit like this?)
Jaw dropped. Wow.
Oh. My. God. My STBX said similar to me.
‘If you met her under different circumstances you’d think she was really nice.’
‘Why in fuck would I want to meet and/or hang out with a 25-year-old?’
Or, about another affair I found out about.
‘She’s really nice and you’d like her if you met her.’
‘No, I don’t think I’d like some cow who blew you in a closet and was ready to go back for more FOUR FUCKING YEARS LATERS.’
Sheesh.
My 4yr old daughter found the homemade cartoony birthday card his whore made for him detailing their entire relationship entitled ” How to win the girl…” on the floor of the guest room he was sleeping in after serving me divorce papers. #1 Go to France # 2 was ” Stay up all night drinking rose.” This was in Cannes on a business trip 2 weeks before he served me papers… ME: You cheated on me. HIM: I didn’t cheat on you. ME: YOU STAYED UP ALL NIGHT DRINKING ROSE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. HIM: I drank wine with a lot of people on that trip, get a a grip. We were getting a divorce.” ME: We were? Nobody told me???
He also is a total narcissist, alcoholic and prescription pill addict who talks about how much he hates himself when he’s so messed up on pills and drunk. He’s also 100% in denial of this. So when I asked for drug and alcohol testing because I was concerned about my 4yr old daughters in his care, he told his lawyer that I was bipolar, had borderline personality disorder and that I was unstable. Also found out he had been calling my friends and family without my knowledge for months before the divorce telling them the same things because he was “so concerned” about me.
Fun Fact: I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental illness by any of the 3 therapists I’ve seen over the past 10 years. HOLY GASLIGHTING BATMAN. So after telling his lawyer this they filed motions for a a custody evaluation and a psych eval. Nice guy.
So after gaslighting me all year, cheating on me, serving me divorce papers when my kids were home, making false allegations about my mental health…he has since failed 3 soberlink tests, has a new girlfriend who is 12 years younger than him that he has taken to Mexico, Sundance Film Festival ( instead of celebrating his daughters 5th birthday) and yet another beach vacation last weekend, 3 times in contempt of court… and you guessed it, I am to blame for everything. Remorse? Ha ha what’s that? *sigh*
He wanted to divide his time between you in a compromise of some sort? Seriously?
Same! Maybe she could move into the spare room-but I’d always be #1 wife!
Oh my gawd. My ex said the same. “You would get along with her, you toward so alike.” When I told his mother and sister that I was insulted by that they said I should be, as his own mother refers to her as “the skank” and was highly embarrassed by the alcoholic drama this woman (and him) caused his family.
Again, amazed they all use the same lines!
Wow, it is incredible how “cookie-cutter” these people seem to be. Maybe there should be a checklist before people enter a relationship to avoid these types all together!
My STBXH had a couple of emotional affairs during the 7 years before we were married (I know. Why the hell did I say I-do ). But the icing on the cake came just after our 1 year weddin g anniversary, me 28 weeks pregnant with our first child, ANOTHER woman….. Of course just a friend! Me, so afraid of being on my own at this time in My life let reigns go completely. I let him do, what he wanted, when he wanted because after all, the reason he reached out to other women in the first place is because I was too controlling with money, I didn’t trust him (for due reason) I wouldn’t let him pursue his dream of driving interstate (away 6 days at a time). He assured me he was not speaking with this woman anymore…. I gave up all control of money, did not question where abouts or look at his phone, let him go and work away just as our daughter was born.
5 months later I find a photo message and it all unwravels….. $50k in the red!! An ice addiction, an affair with the same “woman” (also a married mother of a one year old) plus prostitutes coming out the wha zoo!
But the excuses I got were the icing on the cake! “I only spoke to her because I didn’t want to bother you, you were so busy with the baby”
“I only took ice so I could stay awake on the weekend when I was home and help you around the house”(never helped)
I sold the house and moves out
He of course blamed me for breaking the family unit, and my favourite “I would have never walked out on you!” To which I always replies you did when you left me with a newborn to pursue YOUR drram, when you had a year long affair with another woman, slept with probably hundreds of prostitutes and spent all of your family’s money “but I never LEFT you” ? The stupidity …. Of him but more so me!
She’s actually your best friend.
Me: huh?
She was telling me I should tell you about her.
(He didn’t tell me, i caught him).
I ran the sharing idea by her and she wouldn’t go for that.
(he didn’t run that by ME).
I wish I could split myself in two so one of my could be with her and one with you. (hand me the machete, I’ll do it for you.)
They already are split in half!
He said “you are nothing like her”
That’s not fair. Your his wife, why should you have to put up with his “fabulousness” 95% of the time when she’s only stuck with him 5% of the time? That ratio should be flipped so she’s stuck with him 95% of the time. Was he afraid if she got to see him most of the time, she’d realize what he was really like faster and dump him.
My Xw would spout an assortment of vague , new agish gibberish, usually including some reference to ” connection”,” sexualized chemistry”, “unmet emotional needs” and her “spirituality”.
I could never understand WTFshe was talking about. Of course, I may have been a lttle too tired, working all day, and taking care of our kids by myself all the time while she “journaled about FOO issues” at a local hotel bar(convenient, eh?) where she would pick up strangers and bed them.
Guess they “connnected ” with her, and , almost instantly, met her emotional needs while sexualizing the chemistry between them.
How this moron ever functioned in the real world is beyond me. Guys tolerated it(36dd’s may have had something to do with that) , but women , quite quickly, detested her.
Sexualized the chemistry? Vomit.
Yeah, I love that phrase. She was always a quick study in the new age gibberish realm. She often would greet me, post divorce, with “Namaste”. Her new husband, who divorced her after afew years of her crap, was the beret wearing, petulie oil wreaking , man purse type(much more “spiritually evolved” despite having cheated on his first wife, and, evenntually, on my XW , too).
The rules do not apply to these folks. That is for the peasantry.
What? You don’t like Patchouli?
Yeah, my STBX had a years-long “friendship” with one of those new-agey types. He purchased angel cards, some sort of pendulum so he could get messages from his angels, had chakra oils, etc. etc. One of his biggest complaints of me is that we didn’t have sexual chemistry. And also, I just wasn’t “spiritually evolved” enough. I did the “pick me” dance for years because we had a daughter and (I thought) had built a life together. And yes, I’m humiliated that I did. Because eventually, he met someone else 20 years younger (who apparently was willing to leave her spouse for him) and here I am trying to heal and move forward while he is living life like a single 20-something. (We’re both in our 50s.) Am I bitter? Just a little. Will I be better off without the jerk? Absolutely.
It’s patchouli Arnold. I always think that’s the incense we burned in college when we were trying to cover up the pot smell.
Hey, watch it. You have 9 male cartoons to 3 female. I think it is pretty well accpeted that women cheat more than men(just trying to stir the pot. One of my least favorite debates)
I draw what people send me!
You might want to re-check your facts dude.
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html
Karen, he was only kidding (the stirring the pot comment ). We know men are much more in the majority when it comes to cheating. It is why I like to say I live in opposite land or, in a “Superman” reference. Bizzaro world. I talk to the single moms and single moms that are remarried all the time about the hardships of rasing two kids basically alone. One even calls me her single mom work friend, I don’t mind because I take it as a compliment.
I do love this website and the Ego Kibbles and the chump concept.. greatness.
Actually, Tom, we do not know that. Many studies show it is about 50/50 in the under 65 bracket and it is only the women over 65 inclusion that is keeping the stats more toward men cheating more often.
A couple studies show that in the 25-45 bracket, women cheat more frequently.
“I wasn’t cheating, I was taking matters into my own hands.”
“She looked like you only slimmer.”
“She had a fit body, it was great.”
“ILYBINILWY.”
“Anything online isn’t cheating.”
And all sorts of other juicy piles of stink.
She looked like you ONLY SLIMMER? What an abusive POS!
Funnily enough that was what the counsellor said ;o)
I just wanted to let you know, I filed for a divorce today! Yippee!
Yea Red! Congratulations on your new life.
“She’s JUST like you! She’s nice, she’s a Christian, she gives money to homeless people… She’s JUST like you only younger”
Old Chump – ouch…what an ass. I remember my ex fretting over the fact that I would be menopausal…back a decade before it started to actually happen. It was unusual since he didn’t ever seem to be interested in my health…whether during pregnancy or whatever. I slowly realized though, that he was worrying about whether I would be capable to “service” him…anticipating I would be too old so he sought out a younger replacement – I was so naive to think he actually might have cared about ME and the changes…no, he was just an attention-centered narcissist.
Love that flawless logic. Let’s think this through. He’s basically saying:
She’s nice, she’s a Christian, she just doesn’t really believe in living by her Christian beliefs. And I’m a husband who took vows, I just don’t really believe in living by them. So, see we’re both hypocrites. That’s why we are so attracted to each other. But, really, like I said, she’s a NICE hypocrite. I’m sorry I can’t be married to you anymore, I just discovered you are not a hypocrite and I need to be with my own kind.
He’s Catholic, I’m an atheist (spiritual, though, in a sense). He liked her for a lot of reasons, she has money, she’s fun, likes to drink, she’s Catholic, she is a mother, and she said yes to sex because he told her I wouldn’t mind (I, too, am a Liberal), and his buddies felt that I wouldn’t either.
You should also know that she was a mutual friend of ours for many years, and when I saw her on her way to sleep with him in his bachelor escape pad (he said it was a real estate investment), she told me to get counselling, that it had nothing to do with her, it was my problem. This, after I cried and told her I was devastated.
Well, she either already knows, or she’ll find out later that his Google search history includes such choice entries as “Christian Girls, Anal Sex” … and a whole truckload of porn sites on doing it with mothers. So I may be an atheist, but at least I have my integrity.
Oh, yes. I forgot. That’s something else he likes about her, her integrity.
Haha, I got the she looks just like you only slimmer line too! And if you met her you would really like her. And she feels so bad about what’s happened. And them the best line – so we can all be one big happy new super family! Stunned by the seriously fucked up words coming out of his mouth I asked how he thought this was all going to work. He had it all planned – he would live with her but come several nights a week and spend time with us. And he was serious!
A month after he proposed to me, he used MY laptop to chat with a girl that he had sex with a year before (we were split for like 5 months) . I read it, he invited her to go out and get drunk with him and hangout. He said how cute she still looked and she gushed and said “oh nuh uh im totally ugly” Of course the fish for compliments……he was hooked giving her more compliments…….His response when confronted “Oh I wasnt actually going to hang out with her, I just wanted to see if she still had feelings for me”
Me “Why do her feelings matter to you now?”
Him “I dont know Its nice when other girls compliment me” -_- He cheated, we arent together……
Bullet dodged! I hope you ended it before you married him. Classy using your laptop.
Mine cheated in the midst of my high risk pregnancy. His explanation: I was so stressed. I needed a break.
I also really appreciated an alternate explanation: I thought I would eventually stop and you would just never know.
Oh and one more: Well, I didn’t think you would divorce me!!!! (think aghast, horrified tone)
Yep, mine cheated starting when our son and I got back home out of NICU. While I was taking care of our preemie newborn, he was on work courses for months at a time nationally and internationally and hooking up on all of them. My psych summarised it by saying that once the attention wasn’t all on him anymore (I’d practically lived for him) then he had to get others to stroke his ego… lots of others! Classic narcissist! When I asked why he needed so many different women (online and in real life) he explained that if one wasn’t available when it suited him, he would just get another one to meet his ‘needs’. Apparently women are just instruments of gratification… divorce next month!!! WOOHOO!!!!!
Not sure if you’ll ever see this, Chumped too. But I can totally relate to what you said about what happened after your child was born. My STBX acted so jealous of our son. I didn’t realize it was jealousy until recently, but something was “off” about his behavior when we got home from the hospital. And I’m not the only one who witnessed it. My mom and sister thought some of his behavior was odd. He’s a total narc, but only recently figured that out. And when I was pregnant again (planned) less than a year later, he turned all cold and mean on me. I was convinced he was having an affair. He probably was in some capacity. Thanks for sharing about after you gave birth. It makes me feel like I wasn’t crazy after-all.
My stbx husband was cheating online on Second Life for years, even flew out of state to meet a woman whom he continued to have an online affair with until I got cancer. Did that slow him down? OHN!! His infidelity then kicked into overdrive, and he finally started seeing a local whore (how convenient). Finally, once month after coming off of chemo and radiation, I fled. He’s still trying to win me back (Are you trying to push me into her arms?) but the divorce is moving forward.
I got that too: I thought it would fizzle out and you would never know. It WAS fizzling out ( – BD2 5 years later)
Him: I keep accidentally hurting you
Me: you accidentally put your dick in her mouth? Where were you aiming?
Another time, while I was emotionally broken down and crying, a few months after learning he had affairs and prostitutes for years.
Him: What can I do to help?
Me: Stop piling on more shit for me to deal with.
Him: Can you give me an example of how I’ve done that?
Me: HAHAHAHAHA Are you serious?
Him: Well, aside from the obvious.
Me: Never mind, I’m fine.
OMG Tamara. He’s gone now I hope? “Accidentally hurting you”?! Yeah. Oops. Like it wasn’t premeditated at all. Grrrrr.
Yeah, he and I split about a year ago. Now, of course, he’s a mess and calls and cries about how sorry he is and (get this) how much “he knows getting me back would make such a big difference in HIS life.”
loser
HIS life? Aiiigh! Dude, your narcissism is showing. Zip that up!
Hah! Pretty sure keeping things zipped up is not his forte….
I told mine that he kept pushing me around. This was after he had at least two affairs that I knew of, tried to tell me I was paranoid for not letting him go to a swinger party to see his “friends” and had the nerve to be talking to his mistress on the phone when they were supposed to be over. His response to being told he was pushing me around: Really, I have?
“Disrespectful? I know that’s YOUR perception and YOUR reality, but I never meant to be disrespectful.”
Mmmm…ok.
Ah, the situational truth ploy. I know it well. There is NO reality, no truth. It’s all malleable. Situational. That’s YOUR reality, but me, I’ve constructed a nice one here in which I Am Never Wrong. What? You don’t recognize my reality?! How dare you!
BTDT. Crazy making.
Another one he used to play. He saw things his way, and I saw them in my way according to him. Therefore, of course I “needed to see what he said as a lie. You need that to feel better about yourself.”
“No jerk! I see what you said as a lie because it was a lie and it hurt to know you were dishonest with me cheese breath!”
….. ” we’ll of course you see it that way, you need to feel hurt to make yourself the victim and me the bully…. ”
So according to him, he never lied, (even though he DID LIE) it was just my old family dynamics I was playing out. So I never got an acknowledgement, let alone an honest apology or change in behavior. No he always upped the ante and created bigger and better lies, since he never really lied (according to HIS theory, I was taking what he said and twisting it around to make it sound like a lie).
Try talking to that! Lol
Mine was, “there is a difference between a lie and an omission of details” lol!
Holy crap mine pulled that line, too! He looked so ashamed when I said “That’s fucking BULL SHIT. I asked you repeatedly to your face if you were cheating or wanting to see other people.” Nice try. He’s also kept saying “Will you get off your moral high horse?” Yeah, I move in and share my bed and desires and fears with someone I feel no moral obligation to be honest with. I guess not, morality is out the window. Another: “I thought we cohabitated well.” REALLY?? I hated smelling your farts and cleaning your bathroom, buying your groceries and paying your bills (he whined that I demanded splitting everything) and roommates don’t force sex on one another.
That is soooo familiar to me at the moment. Since he left, I have found out about at least 5 women. He is still denying it (trying to control what I think of him), and when that gets him nowhere, it’s back to “well you are clearly just going to believe what you want to believe”.
Im in this same situation…. I’ve found evidence of another affair he denied said i was crazy didn’t want to talk about again. Now keeps trying to get some from me- i don’t understand- one minuet wants a divorce next wants to rub me & make me feel good???????
Mine told me he doesn’t lie he only pacifies…what? Oh You mean telling me what it is you think I want to hear so that I don’t give you any grief or make it difficult for you to run off and cheat on me! That is not lying????? He really doesn’t think so. He thinks that if he says the right things then it makes him look good regardless of whether or not there is any truth or follow up! He is so bad about his delusion on this I wonder about his grip on reality at times.
My wife had a good explanation for all her lies, they were all done so as not to hurt me but she would be honest now if I let her see the kids for a weekend trip she wanted to take them on. Of course it turned out she was trying to impress her 30 yr old boyfriend with her Mother of the year skills and took them all (boyfriend included) to my home in Chicago. Apparently defiling our bed wasn’t enough she needed to toss in our starter home from 18 years ago that was now a rental property.
I also got “well you’ll believe what you want to believe”
Ummm – dude. The DNA test was conclusive. Everything else was circumstantial but online adverts are pretty damning when asking for “discreet liaisons”
Lol
2 years out the lines are now more amusing than upsetting.
Ah relative moralism. Such Bullshit.
After 24 years of marriage, I was blindsided the day after Christmas 3 years ago when I suspected something. This was his reply to my question about the suspicions:
“Think I like crab cakes for Thanksgiving?” Ex bought the crab & made the cakes!
“I want new sexual experiences.” Ex wasn’t talking about having them with me.
“They were only $30 earring from J.C. Penny.” As if the cheapness made it ok – later I found out it was $60 bracelet from a fine jeweler.
“You have a job not a career.” I had the same job for the last 12 years – this from a man making 6 figures.
“I deserve to be happy.” The classic whine of a cheating man.
He cheated because of crab cakes? You can have me over for Thanksgiving dinner ANY TIME. I hope your holidays are bright and happy and full of crab cake enjoyment with his absence.
I keep thinking of the crab cakes. STBX used to love what I cooked and baked, and used to post photos on Facebook. Once he started seeing OW, he stopped. Also, he now dislikes a lot of the foods he used to say he liked.
I wonder if he’ll tell me he cheated because I didn’t fix him enough Campbell’s soup.
I can do better than ‘I deserve to be happy’. I asked ‘is your happiness more important than the happiness of your children?’. The answer: yes, yes my happiness is more important than the happiness of my children.
Weirdly, he isn’t all that happy right now.
I was told that the children would be happy that he was happy…
Been There Done That – I heard the same thing. My youngest has deep depression with suicidal tendencies and has been in and out of institutions 5 times in the last year living with him.
He is engaged to a woman who makes much money which makes him very happy, and he told me I would like her if I met her. Blech!
OMG… I (XH cheaterpants) deserve to be happy… WTF… Do I (me the chump) deserve to be happy too? What about our son? Or all the people hurt by what both of you did, do they deserve to be happy? or is it JUST you and the OW (my one time very good friend)? Was there any thought about ANYONE ELSE or did you just not care about anybody but yourselves… Holy Crap, the balls on some people.
My ex and the ow truly believe that if they are happy, eventually everyone will be happy. Love triumphs right? ours didn’t why the fuck do you think the “love” you and OW will? It’s different? It’s special? Really? like ours was? ya right… good luck with that. Oh and keep your job please because she make like 0 money and has 2 daughters that she is going to need money to pay for therapy and weddings and college… besides your own child that you are going to have to spoil rotten to maintain a realtionship with when he gets to be a teen. Fucking Idiots.
feeling a bit bitter right now…
Re your post: ”
“My ex and the ow truly believe that if they are happy, eventually everyone will be happy. Love triumphs right?”
Sounds like what Tori Spelling kept saying and writing when she met her ‘soulmate’ Dean McDermott. How’s that one working out for her now?
HopiumAddict – great forum name.
Of course the malignantly selfish only think about themselves.
Which leads to: Happiness (while important) should not be the highest value. Doing the right things (per normal ethics) should be.
(Normal ethics like being truthful is good, lying is bad…not stealing is good, stealing is bad….providing for your children’s health and welfare first (since you chose to have them) is good, taking financial resources for your own “Happiness” while your children go deprived, is bad….things most of us agree are good versus bad.)
Doing the right things brings happiness to ethical people.
And, it’s longer lasting….deeper….more evolved spiritually.
They actually teach this in an undergrad class on Happiness at Stanford. So some are getting decent messages.
She’s really cool, we get along great and she hasn’t done anything wrong.
The exact same words I heard from my ex about the OW!
I asked if he was attracted to her;
His reply, ‘Yeah she’s cool’
I asked to clarify what that means,
Him: ‘It means I think she’s cool, that’s all there is to it’.
Confronted him about his poor boundaries;
Him: ‘If I wanted to cheat on you, you wouldn’t even know about it’.
‘I believe love is about finding the right person at the right time and place. You’re the right person but maybe not at this time’ and ‘Fate will bring us together if we’re meant to be’
‘Every situation is unique, not everything is as it seems or are the same’ (him trying to rationalize his actions)
‘Your anger and accusations are something I don’t want to see in my future partner or wife’
same here, “just a good friend”, “she was cool” oh that sentence, ” that’s all there is to it” that, he used to use it, when he was lying and when he wanted to shut the conversation down, like;
“I never touched her, that’s all there is to it.” he did.
” I am not talking about this anymore, that’s all there is to it” by the way we didn’t talk about anything, he was using gaslighting tactic.
“you are killing US with this, let it go” he wanted sweep everything under the rug without a word, ummmm no fucktard, your serial cheating, lying killed us.
anytime a men refers to a woman as in she is “cool” watch out! it means there is much more there than you know!
EWWWW…..Yuck…..the ‘let it go’ phrase. Ugly one, that……Seems to be universal, though…….
How about this one:
“THAT is NONE of your concern!!”
Oh, really? Those vows you said on our wedding day make everything you do MY CONCERN!
He would spit this ‘go-to’ phrase out of his mouth anytime I got too close to the truth or an issue that was uncomfortable for him. (Which was pretty much everything!)
Yet, just a few weeks back, (we were in the process of selling our family home of 22 years, so we had to talk) in justifying the lack of conversations on this or any other ‘couple’ or solution-seeking subject:
“Well, YOU just refused to talk about anything!!”
hmmmmm….WHO refused to talk about it? Delusional…..Interesting, but they are all that way. Plus, that is one of the things his bio-feedback sessions turned up about him…..he is delusional….but the sessions also revealed he is careless, disordered & other assorted negative things I already knew. Imagine that!!!! lol! (Interesting therapy, this biofeedback. VERY accurate in reading the messages from the body, emotions and subconscious.)
Forge on, friends……
“THAT is NONE of your concern!!”
wow that’s a good one!! Well whatever you do now is “none of his concern!” and he can also go jump off a cliff! and then having the nerve to tell YOU “Well, YOU just refused to talk about anything!!” that right there, truly shows, what a gaslighting, disordered POS he really is! They are all delusional and sick in the head!
Thanks n.14! Thought someone would get a chuckle from that one!!
Yeah, they do get pretty ‘nervy’ about certain things…..but, alas, about all the wrong things
(Disordered is right! A therapist diagnosed him, by proxy, as an NPD)
Forge on, friends……
I was told, ‘she is really nice’.
No idea what a huuuuuuuuge red flag that was going to be… I was oblivious.
Patsy,
here is another huge red flag. If you find he had/ have a good female friend/coworker or whatever, that he spoke to regularly, but you NEVER heard him mention her name to you ever because “he already fucked her” and by any chance if her name does ever come up, then he will say she is nice, she is/was cool, just a good friend…and you can take that to the bank!
I just had this doozy of an exchange with my STBX the other day:
She said: “It just wasn’t that kind of affair, it wasn’t serious.”
“Allow me to quote from your email answering the one about your boyfriend’s house hunt, with pictures” I said (the one I found on D-day): ” ‘Oh, love! It’s wonderful, it’s so close to your office that you’ll be able to come home for lunch, and in that huge kitchen I’ll be able to cook wonderful food for you.’ ”
“Oh,” she answered “I honestly don’t remember that, you have much better memory about my affair than I do.”
Seriously?
Ha! I actually heard the ex on the phone with a prostitute. When everything finally came out years later and I asked him about it, again, he claimed not to remember it. THEN said “why do you always remember all the negative things?”
Yeah… they’re serious. And we’re seriously gone.
Glad to see you on the other side.
They never seem to remember
How convienant
When he would do that I would say that I forgot he had “selective memory”.
I am going to use that line, thanking you!
Ww ‘ your wive calls her married other man love funny i think our spouses are together as my husband mow calls him love ‘ funny i wounder if she knows he still pays all bills here mortgage food clothing and yes drives me where i need 2 go ‘ conversation today i asked him if he thought i wanted him back ‘ him you talking 2 me i said to make it fair i would have to boink her husband funny he hung up lol rotflmao lol dang these cheaterpants n cumdumbster they are sorry
He said I was just “so stressed and overwhelmed, I was escaping”
“Why should I be depressed? I have two men in love with me.”
“I feel like Elizabeth Taylor, only without the money.”
“I think you would have been friends.”
“I thought you were stronger than this.” (referring to my breakdown)
“Everybody deserves to be happy.”
“I don’t have the same idea of commitment as you. Am I expected to be with the same person my whole life?”
“If I miss you more and more, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make it right.”
“We could have sex one more time if it makes you feel better, but I would need to ask him.”
JESUS WEPT – these are just so horrendous. Gotta laugh at the gall though.
Plastered, that is just horrible. You do NOT deserve that.
“It was not on my agenda to hurt you.”
When he told me that consideration for my feelings was not on his “agenda” I knew we were no longer on the same page. Time to exit that stage!
Oh how awful. I’m sorry to hear that.
He joked, more than once:
“One of these days I’ll just have to trade you in for a couple of 25-year-olds!”
Well, guess what.
I was told that exact same comment.
me too.
So was i!!
Mine did… And just this year they BOTH left him for each other.
Take that asshat!
“You know what? You are a loner…”
Because the cheater left you alone! And then pins it on you? Mindfuck.
Got that one from the stbxw as well…
After pushing me through several haystacks of fuckedupness, dropping out of a “family” holiday at the last moment (£700 down the drain) and feigning a heart attack, he finally decided: “I want out.”
My reject did Dday a few days before the family summer vacation too!!
After the reject left and our 14 year called him a looser and his GF a whore he didn’t contact our daughter for weeks. I personally have ceased all contact except tondo with lawyers. So at the first lawyer meeting while he is whining about how much he loves and misses his daughter I asked him why he hadn’t made any effort to contact her in many weeks. His response was “well, he had sent 1 email and she hadn’t emailed back. It was all her fault”. Of course his lawyer looks at him like what the fuck is wrong with you? I said to him in front of the lawyers ” you’re the adult here, not your 14 year old. She is a teenager who is pissed at your shitty and thoughtless decisions and your inability to act like a responsible parent. It is not her job to suck up to you, she didn’t do anything wrong. It is your job to act like a grown up for once in your life and understand she is both a teenager (not very interested in you anyway under normal circumstances) and pissed off because you have crapped all over her.”. My daughter cut off the kibble supply immediately and the pick me dance for about a month and then when she got sufficient evidence he was never going to pick her over the OW she dumped his sorry excuse as a father and never looked back. I wish I had has her insight and strength – it took me a good 6 months longer to get where she is.
During the initial false reconciliation my STBX told me the affair made him a better person.
I was speechless.
I guess since an affair involves lying and cheating and deceiving, that engaging in all those behaviors magically makes him or anyone a better person.
When I asked him how he would feel if I had an affair so that I could become a “better person”, he went berserk and started accusing me of already having had an affair.
How about this? I think I submitted these earlier, but not sure where they went?
First one: Cheater: I did NOT tell her I love her. Me: Really? Because in the text I read she said ‘love you,’ and you said ‘you too.’ What did that mean? Cheater: I dunno.
Second one (upon me kicking his sorry ass out) – ‘Losing you is like losing 1,000,000 of my prized guitar.’
Gee thanks honey.
People… things….things… people.
Geez!
“how could I tell you, you’d just get hysterical! You can’t handle the truth, you have emotional issues”. Yeah, imagine that, I’d get emotional after my husband of 20 years discloses out of the blue (after the week prior telling me he I was everything to him and he’d never been happier). Crazy bitch I am!
Yeah, we’re all crazy and psycho for freaking out when we find out that our one and only has been banging other people. Silly us for having emotions.
Oh how awful. I’m sorry to hear that.
I meant to post, I should have left at the beginning, since mine said something similar to this to me at the start. I was young and naive and didnt know hell I was getting into. When I heard, ” I didn’t tell you because I knew how upset you would get… You get too upset…you feel too much… ” I knew I was screwed.
Yep, heard that too…. I didn’t want to tell you because you’d get all emotional or upset…. live and learn :o(
“You make everything into a drama. ”
“You are just all emotions – me, me, I, I”
Haha, all I wanted was the relief of him saying “I’m not satisfied and I want out.” I wasn’t going to grab his ankles. I said “Awesome, at last. Please, go.” And I went on vacation and had hot sex with someone else- which he called during, to ask whose plates were whose. I laughed and said, “Yours, don’t care,” which kissing my new man. Later when he brought up the phone call, he said “You were all upset and crying when I asked about the plates.” I called him out- WTF? I was drinking vodka and grinding on a strange dick, glad you were finally no longer making me miserable.
It’s like they think they’re doing us a FAVOR by hanging around our daily lives and while risking our venereal health! (And their memories get twisted, too.)
Scary there are so many of the same…
“I have been a wonderful husband to you, other than the affairs.” Which had been going on for 17 years of our 24 year marriage. I had no idea…
Hahaha…I got ‘why do you have to take a hammer to 20 good years and just destroy all the memories?’…this after I found out he’d been cheating for a minimum of 13 of those years. I apparently destroyed them all with feeling like they meant nothing.
Oh, and my all time favourite? ‘Maybe we could be together in five or ten years but right now I don’t see us as a couple’.
I got this too. And then this week, he pointed to the fact that I didn’t know he was cheating on me with five other women (his affairs are conducted in the town where he works, a half hour from here, and overseas where he does research) as proof that I “wasn’t paying attention to him,” which, of course, justifies the cheating.
Cheater logic…
I got the ‘I was a dutiful husband’ line…oh and the ‘she’s really a nice girl’…really? Yeah, because ‘dutiful’ husbands and ‘nice’ girls go off and screw all the time…Gimme a break.
Hahaha~~You know what mine said after I caught him sneaking off to the Econo Lodge with Skank Woman? “We can make this marriage work!”
Bawhahahahh~~~!!
oh, boy. I got the “But there were times when it was so good,” (he was always cheating from day 1.) Oh, you mean when I started faking it because you’d rape me til you believed you were a man and won your orgasm merit badge? Orgasms take trust to happen with a lot of us, and that mf was all shadiness and lies.
“We’re just good friends.” (Always a bad sign, but I didn’t know that at the time.)
“I was just trying to help her with some personal problems she was going through.” (She was going through marriage problems, probably because she was cheating on her husband with mine.)
“All we did was talk.” (For about ten minutes before they jumped into bed.)
“We never had sex.” (They did, of course.)
“I had some feelings for her, but it didn’t last very long.” (Two years.)
“Let’s do something to hep a friend. She is going to try to save up for a deposit for a flat. I will subdivide my shed [where he keeps his beer fridge and computer games, ie where he sits and talks to her for hours on phone] and make a room [so she can move in]. It wil be so good for our family – our kids are like siblings.”
This is him sitting on our bed late at night (woke me up to “have a talk”), holding my hand, saying let him be the husband who makes the decisions for our fmaily.
And he was in the middle of affair with her.
I can’t remember if it was before or after he had convinced me that his SMSs to her “I love you” and “sexybum” were just him teasing a friend.
After which, he put a lock on his phone so I did not see any more.
Oh Mandy, we may be soul mates… or maybe married to the same guy at least… That’s how my xh and the ow (my very good friend) got together, talking about how screwed up their mutual spouses are… Their horrible marriages made better by fucking their best friends spouses… yep that worked, everything is all better now and life is perfect… HA!!
” Didn’t you just ever want to go out and fuck someone”
” if you met him i think you guys would be good friends..he’s a really nice guy”
Welcome Ruff — OMG that one is SO COMMON!
Ya married 12 years 2 kids , helped put her through school to get her PhD…just realized that I’m a nice guy. ( the book no more Mr nice guy helped me fix that issue ) A year after D-day still together but i think i’m finally coming out of the fog.
Don’t stop being a nice guy, Ruff! Just find someone who values nice and is nice herself. Problem solved.
sounds like you’re not a fan of reconciling.
Well, the motto here is leave a cheater, gain a life. It’s not that I’m not a “fan,” it’s that I’ve seen very few convincing cases of it. Don’t know the details in your story, but it sucks to be the marriage police and do the mental gymnastics required to get past the affair. Also, I’ve not seen a lot of cheaters who can sustain the hard work at rebuilding and giving up ego kibbles. Read around here, my views on it are pretty spelled out. Good luck to you. The whole limbo thing sucks hugely.
Some nice ones I’ve received after finding out STBX cheated for 10 years with prostitutes:
* “I didn’t know prostitution was illegal!”
* “It was only one time, and I felt so bad about, I never did it again.”
* “I thought it was okay if you never found out.”
* “Once you found out, it was like a light switch turning off, and now I never want to do it again!”
Pfffffffft.
Hi Dawn~
Went through the same thing. Did you hear “it was just a prostitute. It didn’t mean anything”? I think that was my favorite.
We are so much better off.
Hi Tamara,
Yes, I did get a version of that, in the form of “It was just sex!”. Except that I found out later he sometimes spent the $400 a pop just taking his favorite hookers out to dinner (no sex involved). He was also sexting them all day long, around 1500 texts a month to his favorites.
Glad you found out. Here’s to happier new years sans perverts!
~Dawn
He didn’t know prostitution was illegal? I knew that well before I was legal. I sincerely hope you just stared at him blankly after hearing that so he could listen to what he just said.
testimonial: anything I’ve read that f*uckees think was stupid, crazy,foolish,etc. I can probably match or better, did longer, more often, played with higher stakes,there’s a book I want to read,”The Addicted Brain”,Michel Kuhar,it sounds like I might relate, being f*ucked must be a sick need to prove insistently how terrible I am..naturally all the f*ckers have impressed that upon me endlessly, so I believed it. This ‘technique’ is grammar school stuff for the f*ckers and is the chief ingredient when they bake their cake. I told my last one “hmm,’holy matrimony’, the only things ‘holy’ in yours are the holes in her head and the one in your A**”..not to mention the one in my head…
During my fog of going all-out to try to save my marriage, which included an early morning episode of me doing my wifely duty on my knees (to completion for him), I was told that I had “manipulated him” into this situation because he was “half-asleep” when it occured.
I think he was actually feeling a bit guilty… to the other woman! Funny, he was cheating on her with me.. his wife!
Mine did the same thing… He actually said “I don’t know if I should do this because you’ll tell OW!” To which I responded, “of course not” but did anyway!! Cheats on his gf with his wife of 30 years… Really?? You can’t make this stuff up!
My FAVORITE:
“I didn’t do it to ruin our marriage”
‘I wasn’t looking to replace you’.
but you did
“I never wanted to hurt you”
OOh – another one:
“Staying married makes me feel secure – I don’t want a divorce ”
That was after he was out of the house for 6 months.
Still no divorce progress a year later…
“I’m in no hurry”
He posted on FB
“I’m with my true love of 36 years”…
Those years include an 18 year marriage to his SECOND wife and 17 with me – his THIRD.
Duh for me!
Busted! My hubby’s ex-wife claimed she never cheated, but on Facebook she listed the beginning of her relationship with her now ex-boyfriend as 2 years BEFORE the divorce was final!
Oh, here’s another:
“You’re still pretty to me but I’m no longer sexually attracted to you.” Asshat!
I hear you. That one I don’t get.
I got that too! And also…
“I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”
“I think we need a trial separation. I don’t want to waste any more of your time.” (after 16 years of marriage.)
“Yes, I saw her socially. But there is no commingling.” (ugh. What is this, CSI?)
“Wouldn’t YOU like to meet someone more compatible?” This was the opening salvo, actually. came out of the blue when I was getting the grocery list together.
“When you sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I realized that life is too short and I don’t want to spend the rest of mine unhappy.”
I am not making this up.
This qualifies as the WORST thing anyone has ever said to me. And it was said by a person who supposedly loved me.
” why do you want to be with someone that’s so mean to you”
” maybe you will find someone that is nice to you”
“Sex with us was great, sex with him was amazing..I didn’t know size made a difference”
” when he wrapped his arms around me my whole body tingled”
” I cant guarantee this wont happen again”
“I can’t help what my body was telling me to”
wow…did you find your balls after line 3? hugs Ruff because your wife is an asshole
” I can’t guarantee this wont happen again”
Your reply: “I can guarantee it won’t happen again with me.”
Him: “I going to leave you for her because you only had 3 children with me”
Me: “How many children did you want to abandon when you left since 3 wasn’t enough to keep you here?”
Others:
She is good at her job (like Im not?)
Her fiance cheated on her (and that affects my life how?)
She eats vegetables for breakfast (pass the muffins and sugar bombs, Im NEVER going to do that)
Oddly enough we reconciled and had a good life for 5 years before he dropped dead. I would still like to punch that stupid OW in the face.
OMG best post ever. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it!
LOL thanks for the laugh …”pass the muffins and sugar bombs, I’m NEVER going to do that.”
“And this affects my life how?”
Absolutely laughing my ass off, may he rest in peace.
She’s just a friend. Can’t I have a friend?
OMG I heard that SO MUCH from my ex. “Can’t I have a friend?” Turned into “You just don’t want me to have friends.”
No, I don’t want you sticking your dick in another woman when you’re in a relationship with me.
Good riddance.
Oh wow… My husband just said the same thing to me… He has problems with trying to cheat with women on Craigslist. I don’t really police what he does because it’s not worth my time. Well, I found out that he’s been meeting a “friend” for lunch and lying to me about it. He also texts her at all hours of the day and night. When I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him seeing her alone, he accused me of trying to keep him from having friends. I don’t freaking care if he goes to a bar with a mixed group of people, but I don’t want him to have friends. Whatever.
Identical experience.
And after I protested that it is inappropriate for a single woman to be texting him not me to organise playdates between our kids, and inappropriate for her to be playing pool with him til 3 o’clock in the morning then sleeping over at our place “because she is too drunk to drive home”:
[and after I questioned why did she need to be at our house to help bake her son’s brithday cake (why is my husband making it anyway?)]
“You won’t allow me to have ONE friend!”
“The least she can do is help make the cake since I am doing her a favour!”
[while her 7 year old kid is at home the night before his birthday, with an older sibling – his mother did not even go home that night]
I heard this one too. Actually still hearing it. I’m separated, but he keeps on telling me that all these lunches with him and single women are because he wants to have friends… And guys don’t cut it. It’s weird apparently to have guy friends if you’re a man! He says he really doesn’t get it, though everyone else I’ve checked it with says its bullshit.
My cheater wife regarding the “changes” she’s made, post D-Day:
“I was messed up back then, but now you have a better wife!”
Uh, what?
Ok, by that twisted logic, the way to marital self-improvement apparently involves lots of hot monkey sex in a hotel room with some guy you met on an online poker site.
Sounds like what she’s really saying is, “I couldn’t figure out how to fix myself until I screwed some other guy’s brains out. Thanks to him, now I know how to be Super Wife! Aren’t you happy now?”
Geez, imagine if everyone who was experiencing marriage issues just followed that logic, we’d all be better husbands and better wives and divorce lawyers would become an extinct species!
Oh geez. Sorry! This is the first post o make me react. On line poker? What a star!
Online poker is up there where mine met his: firearms enthusiast and survivalism message boards. Any female who responded in the slightest to his online Billy Badass persona got serviced by him.
And he’d dare me to talk to them, like if I did I was jealous, if I didn’t, he won. Eventually, I talked to one. Boom, outed. Nice game to play on someone you trust.
Him: “My feelings have changed.”
Me: “Since when?”
Him: “I don’t know. For a long time now.”
Me: “Is there someone else?”
Him: (a quick) “NO.”
(Followed by trickling of evidence of a long term affair)
After he moved out and said he wanted a divorce:
“Despite the tough times with you, the kids, and my family, overall I’m happy.”
“We have so much in common. We’re both passionate about surgery.” (While I sacrificed my own career and stayed home to raise our kids so he can concentrate on his “work”, ie. helping out his medical student/surgical resident, living a double life with her, etc.).
i have a 16 year old girl with attitude and not one to back down. here’s her version of shit cheaters say.
x to daughter: we are seperating, we have grown apart. we’ve become like brother and sister, bla bla bla..
daughter’s response: and you stuck your dick into someone else so don’t go there.
x to daughter after i kicked him out and she moved into his old room ( best in the house): why did you move into my room?
daughter: i asked mom and she said it was okay.
x: when i move back in a year what will you do then. you will have to move back to your old room.
daughter: not fucking likely.
Re-reading… I love your daughter’s comment. Makes me smile every time.
Out of the mouths of babes!
So good to read about other kids standing up to these jerks like my daughter. I think these losers pull the same shit with their kids as they did with their chump spouses. They want the kids to do the pick me dance and continue to feed them lots of kibble. Bravo to those kids old enough to be able to see them for who they truly are and to stand up to them because it must take a very brave kid to stand up to a parent and say you’re a lying cheating piece of shit and I reject you.
Thank you for sharing your daughters view.
I have only recently found this sight and am loving the honesty. What is is with people my X (separated 6 months ago after his confession of multiple partners over the last eight years) treats our 15 year old son like he is 4. My X used a gluten intolorane in or son to deflect taking responsibility for his action. Blaming sons pissed off attitude towards him as the result of something he ate.
And he wonders why our son doesn’t like him.
Kudos to you, you’ve clearly raised a wise, smart, sees right through the BS, young lady. She’ll do just fine in life I’d say. Good for her and you…
I come home to hear 15yo and ex fighting and son swearing. Ex says don’t disrespect your mother by swearing in front of her! Son almost chokes and says How about you stop disrespecting her by cheating on her. Could have heard a pin drop. Love my boy.
“What is love?”
“What is happiness?”
“All i want to do is lay in bed beside you and cry”
“Hes not important. You are.”
Truely hope its fixable
I value true unconditional freindships
and the one that I many times from other BS said by their cheating spouses
“I STILL LOVE YOU!” WTF does that mean?
“You’re intellectually intimidating” (this was after a 30 year marriage where he told me he loved me because I was smart) and “I did not have an affair. I had loving feelings for her when we had lunch together everyday.”
He also told me “Tell (son) to talk to one of his friends. I’m sure he has friends whose parents are divorced. It’s not a big thing.”
Son – “I have no time for him. He’s morally bankrupt.”
They do that! Resent you for the things that attracted them.
Cheater in the Beginning: “You need to grow up and stop partying. I can’t abide by women who drink AT ALL” (he cheated on patrons and employees of the bar he worked at)
Cheater After: “The woman I loved was wild, now you’re just a boring homebody.”
NEVER BECOME ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. Over the past ten years, there are several guys I now think “What the hell was I so impressed by?” Losers.
When I made a comment about the character of my husband’s facebookfuck “How could she get involved with a married man?” His comment”Oh she feels terrible but this was just bigger than both of us””
Yes, STBX also told me how ‘terrible’ the final OW felt about things and it was ‘really hard on her, knowing that the kids would be hurt’. What a girl, eh? No wonder he liked fucking her. She was all heart.
Ohhhh yes, she is REALLY concerned about my kids she doesn’t even know ! And she and I have SO much in common we would probably really like each other and be friends.
What do we have in common besides we have both seem your dick?
My jerk said the same thing – OW feels soooooooo bad! But not bad enough to stop fucking you.
Or…sometimes these things just happen!!!! Cos i hunted her down stuck in my claws purued her until she gave in….
I sent the OW a letter asking her to stay away from him and what had been a good 30 year marriage. When he returned from a week away with her I asked him what was her response to my letter, and he answered “she felt like the OW!” If the shoe fits…
‘Don’t blame her. She always said she shouldn’t be doing this, she kept breaking up’.
Thanks for letting me know who did the persueing.
My STBX started his current affair 2 months after my father died…he said almost those same things to me. I couldn’t/wouldn’t listen…I’m negative=wonder why? He spoke to one of his best divorced lawyer buddies and all 4 of his kids are great. He and his mistress (divorced 3 times with 3 kids and 12 years younger} have much to say about me manupilating my kids and poisioning them against him. They will accept it when I do…sounds like the 12th of never.
How can you be divorced three times with three kids. There is something seriously wrong there. What about the kids. It’s a crime. Can’t your ex see that!!??
Yes, I get accused of ‘poisoning the kids’, which is beyond hilarious since I*m the one who assures them that their dad loves them while he treats them like shit when they don’t go along with his new life.
Dear Nord,
Exact same situation for me!! It’s all my fault the kid thinks he’s morally bankrupt. I just can’t get over how the story is basically the same for all of us chumps,
from what they say to how they treat the kids.
Wow so many of these one Liners were used on me. I find my story in a lot of posts. My STBX also took the new age spirituality I think they are called light workers.
I got our Mariage licence was just a peice of paper. Got a new phone with face recognition, separate email accounts, separate bank accounts after 30 years. Saying when he got home from a business trip that he saw two people so in love they didn’t want to let each other go and he wanted that again. Realized after he left that he was talking about the two of them having to say goodbye. O it’s is just a brother sister type relationship. Did he think I was stupid. The maybe I’m not your soul mate. The night before he left he said I have a friend that went to match makers . com and found someone the same going through what I was going through. Still denied there was someone else. He said he needed to find someone on his spiritual level and I should find someone on mine. Can’t believe I was so neieve.
He has been with her since he left 2 years ago. The thing that really gets me is just before he left he was waiting to see if my stage three cancer was gone . I remember telling him they were worried that it had moved to my lymph nodes which is stage four but they think the radiation caught it as it showed on the pet scan that it received a dosage. He looked me like great I have to stay longer, I’ve never felt so debated in my life. As far as I new all was fine till year 29 when he said I’m not happy anymore. I knew a few months after it was over I just had that feeling we all get. Can time it to the day. She herself has 3 kids, from 3 different fathers. Looks like they are about 8 years apart. She is 51 and he 53 . He now has her daughter that’s. 9 . Our granddaughters are 7 and younger. LOL I’m sure she’ll dump him in a few years and he lost an awesome family over it. I’m just glad I’ m not raising a 9 year old. I’m 55 grandbabies are all I want to raise.
That’s devastated no debated dam auto correct
“maybe we would be happier with other people” (yes, he had already found the other person he was happier with}
Stupid shit cheaters say… ” the dog loves you MORE than me…
Dog probably does love you more. Dogs aren’t stupid
you’re Right! Dog and ex-wife are much happier.
Other stupid comment…we need to work on building our excellent friendship, because we are best friends and I will always love you, but I deserve the passion which is true love with the OW. So grow up and stop being so angry its not like I meant this to happen.
OMG Maggie – I got the exact
same line!!!!!
You and the kids are a little team and i feel all left out!
“Why can’t I have both?”
“I can’t walk away – I’m in too deep.”
Really?
“Why can’t I have both? – STBX “asking” if he could have both a wife and a mistress.
“I can’t walk away – I’m in too deep” – OW to me. So the marriage, kids, shared history, etc., isn’t deep, but YOUR AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN is?
Sex means absolutely nothing to me…it never has
Him: I know who sent you the anonymous letter at work about ____________
Me: Your’e having sex with her TOO?!
Him: No not now, she was a while ago, when we were first together…
My 2.5 yrs sponsored wife Maria di Fonzo had an affair with Ernesteo Fernandez (from Dieste Advertising, TX), the co-worker she was supposed to supervise during a business trip to Dallas. Right after Vicki Smith, Nissan Director of Phylanthrophy raised from the dinner table Maria called Ernesto Fernandez to take her to the hotel for sex.
When I told Maria between the first night of the affair and the second of adultery that I thought she was sleeping with Mr. Fernandez Cobela, Maria di Fonzo replied: “How you dare to say such thing without proof” … “Because of your overactive imagination, I am going to divorce you as soon as I arrive back to Nashville” … “And don’t call me no more tonight, I ‘ll be busy”
I love the specifics, Paul. Sorry for what your wife has done.
Yikes, Paul. Saw her pic on meetupnashville. She is a dog and has dead eyes.
When I asked why, after the 2 years of hell we just came through and were (I thought) back on track, did he start things up with his ho-worker yet again.
His response “I guess I had too long of a winter break from school”. He works and goes to school full-time, but apparently having time off from school gave him too much free time.
New here. Thanks for the laughs.
Him: I was just trying to talk her into going back to her ex-husband.
Me: Do you know her ex?
Him: No, I’ve never met him.
She’s just a really good friend.
She’s nothing but a crack whore / coke whore, whatever.
Yeah, I bought her a Christmas present. So?
I never touched that woman. (The physical evidence says otherwise)
I suppose I never did nothing good for you, right? Is that what you’re saying?
Her telling me why she needs her “friend” in her life …
Her: “You two are just exact opposites of each other.”
Me (after a slight pause): “Do you consider me to be a man of integrity?”
Her: “Integrity? Yes, I do.”
Me: “So we are exact opposites of each other, huh?”
Her: “Yeah.”
Me: “I see.”
here are some of the gems that I’ve been subjected to.
him: “a man has to be a bridge.”
wtf??? what the fuck are you talking about? your cock is a bridge? what does that make me? the suez canal?
him: “we don’t have chemistry.”
no. YOU don’t have chemistry.
our older son when asked how he saw his parents: “you guys have immense chemistry”
him: “I didn’t feel adored.”
try being adorable. try not looking at me like I’m an insect when you take me out to dinner (once every six months) try getting a JOB? try not whining about me running the dishwasher before midnight, because the rates go down after midnight. (yes, I’m serious)
“but Laurel, I’m not a bad person!”
right. you’re a good person, with no morals, no shame, no sense of right or wrong, entitled. smug. arrogant. AND you’re a selfish pig. but otherwise, you’re a wonderful man.
fuck buddy in an email to him: (he had told me that there was nothing on his computer that I could not read. it was left open by “accident”—yet again)
“I’m sorry that things have been so difficult for you. [that bitch wife of yours is on to us, huh?] You have borne ALL of the culpability for our 5+ years of conspiracy-to-commit-adultery, and that you find yourself in such a difficult position now is something that makes me squirm with guilt and remorse. As ever. ~ with fingers in wet places. that will not change irregardless.”
me: tell me the truth. What is on those SEVEN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES???
him: “I’m a geek. you wouldn’t understand geeks.” “I get them for free from work.” “the boys’ music is on them.” [ and enough disk space to power NORAD!] “I’m working for the CIA”
YES, THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.
him: “well yes, we had sex but she’s really big (and homely) and let me tell you, it wasn’t easy.”
wife is a ballet dancer.
him: “it has nothing to do with how you look.”
no, it has everything to do with the bullshit she’s spewing out. let HER deal with our autistic son. sexy ain’t it?
him: (after telling me months later that he had NO CONTACT with five year fuck buddy with lupus and me finding her name in his address book).
“But Laurel, she’s dying.”
me: who fucking cares? the point is that you said that you weren’t in contact with her. THAT IS THE POINT!
telling the truth is so difficult, isn’t it?
him: “I didn’t ‘love’ any of them. I liked them, but I didn’t love them. The only woman I ever loved was you… you were the only one who gave me butterflies.”
the one he doesn’t have chemistry with.
OMG Laurel, just read this, and I am sitting here laughing out loud. Hard to pick a favorite. It may be “A man has to be a bridge…” –why do they ramble incoherently?? But then again, the explanations for the 7 hard drives, including his work for the CIA, is pretty amusing too.
I also got the “She’s a nice person actually” after his first broken nose, fat lip and my furnishings destroyed by her. But me? The faithful loving non-violent wife? Why, I am just the biggest bitch on the planet. (He just got it re-broken by her and thought I would care)
After catching him a year ago having affair with a co-worker for 17 years of our 25 year marriage (at times group sex with her best friend as well) and leaving me with claims he was going to marry her; and after realizing he had these co-workers stay in our home as friends and guests on their “business” trips over the years, so that they could have “cake” — and I guess a really really sick laugh– literally under the noses of me and my children while we slept–
HIM: “She’s really a good person.”
ME: “Ummmm….Exactly what would qualify as ‘bad’ then? Would she have to stab us in our sleep while screaming obscenities and kicking the puppy?”
These are choice!
I’ll add a few of mine.
At one point I asked him how he got started using prostitutes. He said he met a guy on a plane, who happened to be really handsome (Oh, so does that make it less sleazy if a handsome guy fucks whores?) who used prostitutes because it kept it just about sex and then he didn’t become emotionally involved with them.
Later told me he couldn’t just have sex with anyone, of course–there had to be some sort of attraction and connection. Really? How much does a 65 year old Ivy League educated man with a doctorate have in common with twenty-something poor Hong Kong whore/mistress?
He was actually HELPING whores from Thailand because they came from very poor villages and were able to send money back to their families. Some of the Bulgarian ones were actually working their way through university. Ha! I guess he liked the idea that he was still attractive enough to be fucking college coeds. Is that a basketball under your button down Brooks Brother shirt or a gut. It’s hard to tell the difference.
He once said prostitution had been around for ever and 50% of people cheat on their spouses. (So if half of people lie/cheat and steal, it makes it okay?)
Interesting math… if half the married people cheat, the other half must be their faithful spouses. LOL!
Let him know that if he wants to really help Thai hookers he could:
1) Pay them and not have sex with them.
2) Offer to get them in touch with rescue organizations.
3) Give money to said rescue organizations to help them save more people forced into prostitution by human slavers or economic need.
On the other hand, the hookers get a paltry sum of the money he pays for their services, and the rest goes to the people taking advantage of the system. And if he has a Ph.D. he should know this stuff.
That excuse is 100% grade A unadulterated bullshit.
aeronaut
Similar story – when I found out about the Thai mistress (and prostitutes all over Asia), he also said he was “helping” the poor. I asked him why he didn’t help poor old people, children, schools, etc. He looked bewildered and said he never thought about it. He actually though they all these women were in love with him, that he, the BENEVOLENT ONE was rescuing them. Like Aeronaut wrote – if he really wanted to help Thai hookers, then pay them and not have sex with them. He was such a fool, not even realizing he was being used too, and funneling the kids’ tuition money to them. And he didn’t even use condoms even though he is a doctor in a top medical school.
“He’s helping them?” XD Sure, if he WASN’T cheating on anyone.
I love it when cheaters who do it with prostitutes act like it’s because they’re super hot still. Uh, hate to break it to them, but it’s not because they’re hot. It’s because they paid for it. They can tell themselves that the hookers were attracted to them all they want, but it really just comes down to they paid for it.
Exactly, Kara! I found one of his mistresses on Facebook and sent her a message appealing to sisterhood (I know, pathetic. It was still the “pick me” stage. I asked her why my husband was sending her thousands of dollars. She said, “Why not?” Bitch.)
He told me to stop sending messages to his friend. Gawd. It’s almost funny now. I guess that’s a good, huh?!
“Why Not?” Wow…the entitlement, it’s staggering.
To his “friend?” Sounds like one of my exes. He didn’t want me talking to his online “friends.” Probably because they were either sending him porn or cheating with him.
When I told my now ex-husband that I felt he was cheating with a particular co-worker (he was), he said, “I would never cheat with her; she’s too Catholic.”
Two things….First, I’m Catholic. WTF? Second, there’s no other reason he wouldn’t be cheating with her? Like, he loves me and promised to be faithful?
My husband hid a three year affair that included an apartment and fiancé. He says he doesn’t want a divorce. I told him that he left me when he got that apartment and he divorced me in his heart when he put a ring on her finger.
His response: “Wait a minute, I just want you to know that her ring was nothing like yours. Yours is much nicer.”
Ummm, thanks?
How about “I needed to explore the boundaries of our relationship”?
ORLY?! Guess he found them.
He could have just asked how far they were. -_-
“If this had happened to me, I would’ve viewed it as a wake up call” my ex-wife is a classy lady
I liked having my bread buttered on both sides.
She makes me feel like a god.
Your cat died.
I have not enjoyed reading such tragic drama in my life. I am amazed at the trite way cheaters respond, as if they never expected to be confronted. I thank you all tremendously for sharing these tid bits. It has been a long time since I have really laughed. Bless you all and may we all reach the beyond wiser and with a sense of humor.
“She’s a really good mother. It’s made her very mature for her age.”
This about a woman who was simultaneously handing over her parental rights to her estranged husband AND claiming that he was a dangerous drug addict.
“It’s just not like love is supposed to be. There’s a reason it’s always the same way in movies.”
Referring to why our marriage wasn’t thrilling enough to keep him from cheating.
How about ‘ I wanted to pay her back for all the crappy shit she did to me when we were together.’ (she was XGF) Also got ‘I didn’t think phone sex (for YEARS) was cheating.” (also another AP)
Katie I just posted a comment about your letter. Yes, I know exactly what you are saying.
Him: I don’t think I’d care if you wanted to fool around with someone else.
Him: Don’t you ever just look at a coworker and picture them naked? Me: um, no.
Isn’t it weird how cheaters all seem to think that everyone thinks the way they do and are genuinely shocked when it is not so?
My cheater was sure that my first husband had cheated on me, too. He hadn’t. But the cheater was convinced that everyone did it, and I was just too much of a chump to have known about it. It was like somehow if my first husband had in fact cheated, he would have somehow been less of a dickhead for doing it…
I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago… now I just shake my head and say “wow, that’s fucked up.”
I found out at the end of our relationship that my most recent ex was convinced I knew all along that my previous ex was cheating on me and that I had simply turned a blind eye. He was trying to accuse me and members of my family of cheating. Then he said, “Don’t try to tell me you didn’t know [previous ex] was foolin’ around.” When I suddenly realized the implications – that he thought I was the kind of woman who would tolerate cheating and just look the other way – I was even more pissed than I had been. Maybe because his mother had been that type of woman, I don’t know. Now, mind you, he was still lyin’ and denyin’ about his own cheating. But that statement was as good as a confession, in my mind. I was already packing my things at that point.
After catching him a year ago having affair with a co-worker for 17 years of our 25 year marriage (at times group sex with her best friend as well) and leaving me with claims he was going to marry her; and after realizing he had these co-workers stay in our home as friends and guests on their “business” trips over the years, so that they could have “cake” — and I guess a really really sick laugh– literally under the noses of me and my children while we slept–
HIM: “She’s really a good person.”
ME: “Ummmm….Exactly what would qualify as ‘bad’ then? Would she have to stab us in our sleep while screaming obscenities and kicking the puppy?”
REPLY
Mine had sex with hundreds of other men during our 20 year marriage, then at the end of marriage was having affairs with two women at the same time, orgies, threesomes, running naked in public parks, sending pictures of his genitals to women, probably a lot more I don’t know about.
Some of his excuses:
I was helping her work on her marriage.
You didn’t want to play board games enough.
I have some good memories of our marriage, but now it’s just a business deal that’s ended.
I just don’t feel enough passion for you.
I only married you because I knew you would be a good mother and take care of the house and would never leave me.
I’m not gay.
I need a woman who is an extension of me.
I need a lot of zest and excitement in my life, and if only you would give me that, I could give you your heart’s desire.
Really they’re all priceless lines, but board games????
My x is 58 I’m 60 we never married too bad because he left me for a stripper and a 30 year old, (We were together for 17 years.) and who ever else he can get his hands on. He only sends texts, never phones, describing the food he eats, including photos, views from his cool airb&b apartments, the bars he loves, and long drunken texts about the beautiful women who love him including photos of them in sexy poses all the while saying how much he loves me forever and never will break up with me, “that’s up to me”. And he says I’m must be a “F-ing moron”, if I can’t understand what he’s going through. So glad I found you site so that I can crawl out of my mind numbing depression and fight back. Oh and he says strip clubs are cool everyone is talking about them. No one I know is talking about them. Now they’re his favorite hang out especially since he is recently so successful in business that he has tons of cash to throw around.
A few choice quotes from my husband of 23 years. “If you think taking a girl to the pub a few times and to the zoo is having an affair? well….” (The girl was 24, he`s 48)
“I never snogged her”
“That 1st row we had in 1986. I would have left it there but you pursued me”
“I tried to commit suicide because of you”
“I`m a different person now” (no shit sherlock!!!)
“I grew up at 48 years old”
“I hope you can move on and we can be friends”
How trite.
Tonight: Me: Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t happy?
him: You didn’t ask.
Him: I know it drives you mad that I’m exploring relationships with other women and that I have romantic encounters but really, you probably thought it was much more serious than having a little oral sex so I thought you would be relieved to hear that’s all that happened. ( this was part of a very long text, as he’s moved out, after 17 years)
I stopped responding to his texts after 6 weeks of constant texting back and forth because it was making me crazy and depressed beyond belief.
We’re not married but yesterday I saw a lawyer and he is being served.
yeah… I got that too.
Me: …. the woman you were sleeping with.
Him: I didn’t sleep with her.
Me: Ok, had sex with.
Him: we didn’t have sex.
Me: Ok, the whore that sucked your ****.
Him: you don’t have to be so graphic.
Congratulations on the lawyer. You’re doing the right thing.
tamara, this sounds so Clintonesque. Bill and Monica.
Bill: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman.
His preference of course, was a cigar.
In h’s shrink’s office, he would not admit he f&*@%d ow. I had to drag it out of him, step by step. I said, “can I ask the questions?” The shrink said, “If h agrees, I think it would be fine.” So, I said, “Did you go to her motel room?
h: One time.
ME: Did you take your clothes off?
h: Not the first time.
hah!
I got…
Him: I only actually had sex with a prostitute one time.
Me: Geez… did you at least wear a condom?
Him: Oh, always.
They’re just not very bright at times, are they.
Oo! That just reminded me. How about this one?
Me: I know about Tiff and Donna.
Him:….I don’t know who Tiff is.
No, no they are not very bright at all.
I just can’t get over how easily they duped us, but then have absolutely no intelligent way to respond when they are caught.
Tamara and Kara, these are just classic responses. There has to be a book out of all of this.
There is a book. It is called “The Script”.
Yes, I read that book. Its a must read book!
I know right? The mind boggles.
I got: ‘I didn’t like the way you put eyeliner on’…yeah, because the chick you were schlepping looked like a hooker.
“You didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved” WTF?
“I will ALWAYS love you”….LOL!
Wow…some of these are absolute gems.
Nothing personal, Valentine, but you’re using Yiddish wrong. Schlepping is to carry something, much like a beast of burden. “I schlepped encyclopedias door to door for three years.” The word you’re looking for is sthupping, which means, quite literally, to have sex with someone. No example needed.
Hugs,
aeronaut
My dog ate my husband’s hat and he said I didn’t give him enough sympathy and that’s when ‘he realized that I didn’t understand what was important to him’ so he went online and found a girlfriend. http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-hat-story.html
A moment of silence please, out of respect for his tragic loss. Did he hold a wake for his hat? What a crybaby.
After I found out about the YEARS of serial cheating and lies by looking at his email account which he accidently left unsecured one day on our joint computer – and finding TONS of explict messages back and forth to MANY different women, complimenting them on their bodies and the sex (my favorite – sometimes confusing them and having to apologize that, no baby, you are my only one, I swear!!)
I confronted him and he said…
“You should not have been snooping around at my emails then you would not have gotten upset” !!!!!
Translation:
“If you hadn’t seen my secret e-mails, I wouldn’t have gotten caught!”
Him: You snooped in my phone! THAT’s why I had to put a lock on it!
Me: I snooped for a good reasons – I was NOT crazy, I was right about my suspicions.
If you weren’t such a nosy bitch none of this would have ever happened. (After I confirmed his affair by checking our joint cell phone records)
You would probably be friends with Leslie, you have so much in common. ( like we both fuck MY husband?)
If you had cared more about pleasing me I wouldn’t have been with someone else. (If you had been a better husband I might have cared more about pleasing you)
I tried to post this but think it went elsewhere. My absolute faves of the many stupid things my ex said;
While trying to convince me to take him back; ‘Infidelity is not a big deal, it’s just something that happens when a relationship isn’t going well.’ Should have seen his face when I suggested that he might want to inform his AP, and any future women he becomes involved with, of this belief of his.
And when I was turning him down on that reconciliation plan of his, saying that he had made a very clear choice about our relationship when he chose to engage in this affair (it was his second, and after the first one I made it EXTREMELY clear that there could not be a second), ‘I didn’t make any choices!’ Poor helpless baby, life just pushes him around!
That sounds familiar. I think the philosopher Neil Peart said “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” Kudos to you for not cooperating.
And that quote is in the song “Free Will” by Rush, a favorite of mine.
We went to a counselor shortly after dday, and at one point he got all huffy and said “We need OPEN and HONEST communication!!”
AYFKM? You lied to me for 8 months and NOW you want open and honest communication?!?!!?
“If you had really loved me and been committed to me and wanted to be appealing to me, you never would have let yourself gain weight.” 2 points…#1. I gained 15 lbs while recovering from major surgery due to cancer…#2. I was still a size 6.
That’s appalling! Don’t let anyone put it on you. He’s a pig!
Forgot this one…”She was very sensitive to the fact that I was married and had 3 children.”…Clearly.
I could do this all day!
Jennifer—Seriously? She was sensitive to the thing she was destroying? They truly live in an alternate universe in which up is down and black is white. I sometimes idly contemplate whether they outright know they are lying and are just making shit up as they go; or do they compartmentalize and believe their own lies like the best psychopaths who can pass lie detector tests? I’ll probably never find out the answer to these profoundly annoying questions.
“I could do this all day!” You’re hilarious. Who knew these poor excuses for human beings could provide such sick comedic fodder??
If she were all that sensitive she wouldn’t have done it.
Ex told me that final OW felt ‘really bad’ about being involved with a married man while living with anohter man. This didn’t stop her from continuing, of course, but fortunately Ex was there to assure her it was all really ok because our marriage was crumbling anyway. News to me, of course, and news to her about the many other OW i discovered he’s been fucking for years.
That sounds really familiar Nord – except this was my STB EX’s first affair. She was living with another guy and told STB EX told him he didn’t want a divorce or to leave me – yeah, right. That’s why she went ahead and slept with him and met him on weekends while he was “working”.
What lies they tell themselves and each other while they carry on!
Dday was Christmas Eve (although I did not yet know the extent of the affair until a few months later.) His shrink suggested a marriage counselor, who in actuality, was also a psychiatrist. Had NO intent to excuse h’s cheating, but wanted the opportunity to hear him lie, pathologically, to a trained shrink. He did, of course. Three days later, when I had permanently removed the OW from the scene (I still relish in that moment) he had the nerve to say, “I think I almost have her out of my mind.” Well, I thought, “How about that, you are fading fast in mine.”
We were at an RV campground when D day rolled around. the OW had sent him all kinds of gifts even money. When I figured all this out I began pitching everything I could find. She sent him golf clubs and mixed in with his, I did not know what was what. I told him to get everything out of the RV that she had sent him. I knew he would not do this, but wanted to catch him in another lie. Three days later, a Thursday, I asked if he had gotten it all thrown away. He said, “Yes.” I asked him when and he said, “Yesterday, or the day before.” They empty dumpsters at the campground on Monday. I walked around to every dumpster in the park. Oh, did I forget to mention that we were the only RV in the entire park? All totally empty except the one we normally used. In it was one bag of trash I threw in after the dumpsters were empties on Monday. He never left the park from Monday to Thursday and had no other way to ditch his stash. I told him after I searched all the empty dumpsters. Gotcha! He didn’t say a word.
The scariest statement ( and that’s what it was, a cold, unfeeling, psychotic statement) he would make was while we were arguing during the last year of our marriage. Maybe the last 6 months… I’m not sure now of the time since it felt like forever.
I had been sleeping on the couch and away from him for 2 years. I had told him I wanted a divorce and that I wasn’t happy. Yet he would still try to engage me and try to get me to show some interest or passion towards him, of which I had none left.
We would get to heatedly discussing/arguing about the same things “… I am not happy. Why do you think I have slept on the couch for two years. I want a divorce. It’s over. I’m not happy, you’re not happy, the kids aren’t happy. It’s time to just stop.” ( we had always agreed he would be the one to leave and I would stay with the kids in the house… It was their home, they needed to be where they felt most happy and I was the better parent ( until the end of course when he decided to try to pit them against me, another story for another day…)
He would say at that point… “WE’RE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. NO ONE IS GETTING A DIVORCE. THAT IS NEVER HAPPENING. WE ARE GOING TO STAY MARRIED AND GO THROUGH THIS YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR. WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER….!”
I never heard anyone say anything that insane before or since. Scariest thing I have ever heard. It was like he was God or the Devil ( and he said it in a commanding tone) and that was the absolute end all be all and there was nothing else to be said. At which point I would usually break down and sob since there was nothing that could be said to something so irrational. I would just lose it.
That’s so creepy. Talk about a sense of entitlement. Those must have been some deep dark times. How did you finally break away? I don’t think my back is going to survive two years on the couch let alone my brain and heart. Do you wish you had done it sooner?
I’ve been sleeping single on a double pull out sofa for 2 years. That stupid steel bar that goes across my back is getting REALYY old.
Well if you’re anything like me you probably don’t sleep that much anyway. I’m only about a month past d-day but it’s like my body just doesn’t need sleep anymore (until an afternoon meeting anyway). Lunesta has helped a little. I really hope you get off that sofa soon. You deserve better. I also really hope your kids will see through whatever he is doing. I can’t believe the depths some people will sink to.
We had a really comfy couch at the time…Lol
Plus, I disliked the idea of being next to him so much it wasn’t a hard choice. What ended up taking so long was I wouldn’t leave my home, since that would mean leaving my kids, and there was no way I was doing that. I kept talking to him, every couple of weeks about a divorce for about a year, then just stopped talking to him at all. After about 6 months, the lack of my attention towards him was unbearable to him, and he started some really nasty arguments with me.
The final straw was an intense argument he wanted right after New Year. I disengaged, and just kept repeating I want a divorce, like I have been telling you for two years. I think it had finally sunk in, with the disengagement and the repitition. These people are THICK because they choose to be.
That particular night, he started man handling me. Hitting me, pushing me and if you can believe it, chest butting me when I tried to leave the room. I had enough. I told him to pack his shit and leave or I was calling the police. It took 1 hour of repeating that for him to finally leave. He had the balls to think he was coming back the next day. Wishful thinking on his part. When he called the next day, I just told him not to even try it or I would call the police.
Contentious separation, he tried suing me for all kinds of things which got dropped and he almost went to prison for non support. He screwed our credit, put the kids and I on welfare for non payment of support, threatened to kill me (which he denied later. I tried to get an order of protection, in va they have to assault you… Ugh) and alienated me and the kids. Screamed and yelled like satan spawn every time I had to deal with him on anything. He would not work anything out between us.
2.5 year divorced, I’m still traumatized I have realized. That’s why I’ve been reading and participating in posting here and 1 other place on Facebook of late. I never talked before, except to a therapist. It wasn’t enough though. I realize I need to hear others stories, to know I wasn’t alone and to get to a point where I can use the tools I see here and elsewhere and actually move forward. I was with him 20 years. It’s taking a long time to fully move past this for me.
My situation may not be typical by any means. And I don’t suggest anyone wait until a spouse tries assaulting you before you act. I’m just saying it was my final straw and my reason to get up the nerve to get him out. I’m also disabled, and have lost almost everything. I think that was another reason I did not push so hard those last two years. Being scared of falling into poverty. I’m here now with horrible anxiety. I still thank God though every day I am not still married to him. The bad way way outweighed the good. It was not a decent or adult relationship. I was not happy, and I realize he never could be, no matter how hard I tried or wanted things different. It wasn’t all on me.
Anyway, I hope you find your way out, if that’s what you really want and in a more productive way than I found my way out. Keep reading here. Find what helps you cope and helps you find your strength and your happy place. Best of luck.
My husband said, “I can’t go cold turkey and not see her. I’m serious about her.” Okay, you do realize that you’re speaking to your wife here about your girlfriend. Did that sound better in your head? http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/might-i-recommend-filter-next-time.html
I’m so sorry. Unreal. So detached from reality that he couldn’t even imagine, screw it, you were such an object to him that he could sit there and say that to his WIFE. Just sickening.
I’ve read many of your blogs. They are so helpful. Thank you for what you share and what you give.
Hearth Builder, it is just so soon for you. I remember those early weeks…terrible days and nights. Now that I do not have to get up during the night to take care of h, I dispense his evening meds, call it a day, fix an adult beverage, catch a movie on line and drift off into the sweetest sleep I have had for a long time. The sofa bed is simply uncomfortable. It all may change when I am finally able to leave and find myself alone, but I don’t think so. I am so looking forward to building a new life for myself with new friends, doing new things, having my refrigerator stocked only with what I want to eat, going only where I want to go and doing any damn thing I decide to do. Two grown kids are cheering me on, two won’t even talk to him. Life can be good.
Thanks Yoder. It’s so good to know that there can be peace after this. I feel so hopeless sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I’ve been avoiding adult beverages because I’m scared to death that it would become a crutch; but, as soon as I’m emotionally solid enough, I will raise a glass to you. By then I hope you’re in a plush, comfy bed not too far from your nicely stocked refrigerator.
Hang in there HearthBuilder, we all know that hopeless feeling (and yeah, make sure you avoid the alcohol till you are certain you can handle it). It does get better overall. I am a year past D-Day and still get hopeless once in a while thinking what he took from me and our children. But I tell myself “just wait it out, the feelings will pass…” And they do. I have just been reflecting on those terrible days, weeks and months immediately post D-Day. I used to keep a journal and wait up until midnight sometimes just so I could write “I survived another day.” Then one day I realized that I wasn’t keeping such close track of it, and was feeling better. Key was keeping as NC as possible, just the passage of time, and support like we get from CL. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks Kelly. I’m clearly not there yet. I instantly burst into tears at “… thinking what he took from me and our children” at work no less. We still haven’t talked to my daughters, 13 and 14 (although I found a note from my 13 year old that shows she has figured out a lot, she even guessed who the guy is). It’s so helpful to hear from survivors like you that there is life after d-day. Still working on the NC thing. Thank you for the iHugs too, I really needed that.
I’m so sorry you are going through this HearthBuilder. I’ve done the tears at work and everywhere else, believe me. One night I even screamed at the top of my lungs driving home in my car (didn’t work for me, felt crazy and I was hoarse the next day besides). You will get through it though, and come out the other side. Just hold on to your kids, your job, your friends and extended family (if possible), and most of all yourself.
Your ex is a piece of sh*t. Just sayin’….
Kelly, you really have a way with words. I can’t thank you enough for helping a newbie.
Dear Hearth builder,
Tell your dog turd that they have a week to fess up to the kids about the truth concerning their adultery or you will tell them the truth as you see it. Please don’t let this piece of shit manipulate them into thinking you had some role in the destruction of their family. They are old enough they have probably pieces most of it together. If you are honest with them they should embrace you and help you kick the dog turd out and then you and the kids can move mom together to a happier life. Hang in there. It does get better, I promise. Cyber hugs.
Kay H, these are truly priceless. I don’t know if there are books of these or not, but if not, there needs to be. It is as if they NEVER thought about what they were going to say, just thought that D day would ever happen. Like they swallowed a few bottles of stupid pills. All the careful planning, complex lies, sneaking around, oh, so carefully they carried and then is all goes poof! And they are stump dumb all of a sudden. Not nearly as clever as they thought they were.
I think my husband has lost his marbles and he didn’t have many of them to begin with. Not my problem anymore. The OW can have him and his ridiculous comments. Go sell crazy somewhere else.
I think all cheaters want to be caught in one way or another. There is either the immense guilt, in a person that has some feelings, and then with an N, I think it’s a matter of pride in having been able to get one over on you for some arbitrary period of time in their heads… I guess each one is different with that. I think they all want you to find out though. I think some of them actually secretly, or some maybe even outwardly enjoy the power the pain it inflicts gives them. Sick, sick, sick!
You got it! Good riddance.
Actually, no refrigerator needed. Vodka and black cherry kool aid. Medicinal only. My physician suggested it for sleep. Have one before I go to sleep every night, works like a charm, but then I do not “over due” anything, food, salt, sugar, exercise, drinking, just don’t. And I still weigh 118 pounds. Now if I just didn’t have to look in the mirror each morning.
Ooh, the vodka and kool-aid sounds delicious! And like a wonderful way to end a day when you know sleep is going to be hard… I should have had one of those tonight!
How much Vodka?
LOL! Some of these are hysterically funny! So glad I can laugh about it now.
My ex told me that he would go ‘live under a bridge’ and that I could have ‘everything’. Okaaaaaay. Later, he asked for his ‘cigar chair’ and a Snoopy cookie jar that he had since he was a baby. I thought this was interesting—-until I found out that he took the cookie jar because he wanted the kid he was having with his affair partner to have it. Like an heirloom. Whatever.
He also told me that he was ‘very flawed’…guess that was his admission to having the affair.
He also said that he was now an ‘existentialist’ and that he didn’t need to answer to me anymore. WTF?
I swear not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at how long I stayed in that life-sucking vacuum disguised as a marriage, and allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible.
“I swear not a day goes by when I don’t marvel at how long I stayed in that life-sucking vacuum disguised as a marriage, and allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible.”
Exactly Valentine. These guys are all the same, it’s sort of spooky.
Sounds familiar.
Yeah, we’ll mine told me he would live in his car before he would see our girls suffer.
Then he didn’t pay child or spousal support for 6 months when he knew I was fighting for my disability and the only income I had was suport; didn’t pay the court ordered mortgage payment (ordered when he started paying some support to me, the other part was supposed to secure our housing), rented a two bedroom apartment for half our mortgage payment per month that we couldn’t afford (and he knew it well) and that he didn’t need since the kids were almost adults and refused to see him.
He almost spent 6 mo in jail for the almost 1 year of non-payment, destroyed our credit, almost lost the kids their home, and put me and the kids on welfare for a 6 mo period of time.
I don’t know if they’re all the same, however, I see a lot of people say they heard their spouse make outrageous claims too.
Love the “existentialist” comment. That is a creative way for him to tell you he’s blowing you off. Lol
Just be careful. And best to you and hopefully he will be reasonable throughout everything.
Thanks, Valentine, for the :I swear not a day goes by…:
That is prrecisely how I have come to view the debacle that was our marriage!
My favorite was when he posted on his FB page instead of a private message to a friend
“I am now happily with my true love of 36 years”!! WTF – there were two 17 year marriages (myself and his SECOND WIFE) spanning his 36 year love affair with the OW! When I caught them, his first comment was “there you go again – you are always jealous and resentful” and his second line was “I didn’t do it to ruin our marriage” and he was “just helping a friend”. What a creep. And it’s MY FAULT that our (make that MY – he was always working “nights and weekends” because he’s a realtor) 15 year old daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him. ..and if he was home he was “working” upstairs in his office or drunk/passed out in front of the TV until 3 AM.
Yes, Valentine, the
“…allowing that idiot to influence my every waking thought and action. Incredible”
is truely that.
Somehow I thought if I just did “more” his narcissistic light would shine on me again… but for what…? What was I thinking? I guess I was afraid of failure. The world I gave up to be with him. My pride kept me in a cage of misery and fear of the future.
Just to be clear – I was his third wife….
Burned, wowsers, he IS delusional….but aren’t they all? I also believed if I changed myself into something more attractive then he would come back. NOT.
As for being his wife…I am sure you are grateful you are no longer with him. He sounds like a serial husband…its like a merry-go-round with him.
I love it when they post crap on FB and then are appalled when people say shit on their wall about it. I am sure people who are his ‘friends’ on FB are doing a mental eye-roll (or not) and asking the same question: WTF? weren’t you married umpteen times to umpteen women?
I am truly amazed at the shit that comes out of their mouths and how it makes such PERFECT sense to them when the rest of us are like: YOU ARE SERIOUSLY RIDING THE CRAZY TRAIN AREN’T YOU?
Look, I was afraid of failure too….a failed marriage, a life that I would no longer have, how I would face friends and family, etc…I suppose that was MY pride too. I had to hit rock bottom in the marriage until it occurred to me that I had to get out to save myself. I have never looked back.
Sugar, in the words of Frank Sinatra: you’ve got the world on a string and you’re sitting on rainbow…
and another favorite
we have our house on the market – i moved out because he made it totlayy untenable to live there. coming in at any time with no notice, telling me who and could visit and when, telling me (AND putting in writing) that my daughter and I couldn’t call it “our house” or “our home” – we has to call it our residence (?WTH?)
Now he bemoans that he and the OW are having to pay not only for the homes they each lived in with their spouses, but their apartments as well. OOOH i feel so sorry for him. He had the nerve, as they considered moving back into the home he and I shared, to send me 8 emails bemoaning the fact that they might have to do that because it was going to be “SO DIFFICULT EMOTIONALLY” for him to live in the house. You gotta be kidding – he wants pity from me? LOL He go zero response.
Oh yes I got that too….he moved in with his affair partner (now his wife) in the house she owned with her previous husband. BUT we were going through divorce and he said he could no longer afford to pay for two residences and he was going to quit paying on ours (he was ordered to pay half of home expenses until it was sold). Oh and I heard the ‘it is so emotional’ coming back to our house and how ‘weird’ it was that he needed to ring the doorbell. Too bad, so sad.
One question: why haven’t you changed the locks? I changed the locks the day I served him with divorce papers. He can no longer come and go as HE pleases. This is divorce. How did he put this in writing? Was this through a court order? If not, then you have every right to tell him to go f*** himself and the horse he rode in on. My ex basically tried the same crap with me and I laughed in his face and told him he was delusional. Also, when he left he gave up all rights…don’t fall for his controlling bullshit.
Oh yeah – and for the longest time he didn’t want to get a divorce
“what’s your hurry” “being married makes me feel secure” (I love that one…)
Are you fucking kidding me? Being married makes him feel secure??? Thank GOD you are divorcing this idiot.
Thank you Valentine. My scentiments exactly! Douchbag.
My jerk moved in with OW right away but promised kid she could finish HS in our home. 6 months later he is whining about cost of home and says home has to be sold and is refusing to pay any of
mortgage. Got a job in another state and a great lawyer so we are moving out end of month and jerk will have to pay for everything for the home until it sells or he can move in and stop paying “rent” to OW
‘Don’t you just feel so so sorry for me? Everything I’m going through is all your fault.” Absolutely ridiculous.
Boo Hoo
I got something similar when the ex tried to convince me to reconcile, 8 months after I discovered his new affair. “This is much harder than I thought it would be. You must find that too?”
I answered “No, it’s about like I thought it would be, that’s why I tried so hard to avoid it for 14 years”.
This after his admitting he hadn’t actually made any effort to make the relationship better or make me happier, during those 14 years. Hadn’t even thought of that possibility! We’d been together about 2 years when he told me “I worked really hard to do well in school, I work really hard at work. Why should I have to put an effort into my relationship too?” I should have walked right then, but I stupidly believed he didn’t actually mean that.
Karen, I think we were married to the same man. Mine said he had to expend a lot of energy to stay happy in our marriage. Like I didn’t? And marriage isn’t easy, I’m pretty sure everyone has to expend energy. WTF.
I got “I don’t think a relationship should be work. When its real, there’s no work involved.” Lol
I see a pattern here – a narcissistic pattern!
This JUST came out of h’s mouth last night. Seriously?! But the OWhore and he, they get it! They are compatible. That’s why they will last for-e-ver! OBVIOUSLY! That’s why for the last decade I’ve done EVERYTHING I could to make you happy. While you did NOTHING!
Aah Valentine…
It just goes without saying – what the hell was I thinking. I insulated myself emotionally with 65 pounds during our 21 year tenure together – and once I found “them” damn if that weight didn’t just “go away” like magic in about 14 months – how did that happen?!
I always felt like I had “me” somewhere inside of me and I have found that I was there all along. People notice I’m myself again, I smile, I laugh, I’m happy, they’re happy for me. The dips##t can glow in his own self-importance, but it’s not my bag anymore.
Dear MM,
Same story for me – I had gained 53 pounds and lost it quickly after he left. I am back to my old self. He had complained plenty about my being overweight – I am sure I embarrassed him. Every time I would try to go on a diet it would only last a couple days because he would complain how he couldn’t eat that kind of food. Then he would glare at me as I are the food he wanted to eat – meat and potatoes or pasta and lots of bread. He told me I should make a separate meal for myself so I would loose weight but why should he have to suffer with diet food when his weight was fine? What a jerk. I should have seen then what a looser he was.
He also started becoming obsessed with fitness in the last year. At 47 playing pickup soccer with 20 year olds and we should all being applauding what a magnificent athletic specimen he was. He was always trying to get my daughter to arm wrestle him at dinner which she would refuse. Then he would take his shirt off to show is his muscles and flex his biceps. My daughter and I both thought WTF was going on with him at the time. Turns out he was hot and heavy in his cheating relationship with the 15 year younger OW.
We moved out of the house in Nov – but because we have joint ownership my state allows him unfettered access (unless I have a PFA) and his comings and goings were non-stop. At first after he left he said he wouild call before coming over blah blah – that didn’t last because he is a SOCIOPATH.
My sis, a psychologist, after saying “answer yes or no to the following as it pertains to him” and read me the DSM-IV for “sociopath” after I answered yes to 13 of 16 questions – she laughed and told me what she was reading! Sick humor. Keeps you laughin’
Yes MM Burned, during a counseling session my psychologist takes out the same book and starts asking me questions, and then tells me my ex fits the description for “anti social personality disorder” (new name for sociopath/psychopath). Wonderful. Nothing can prepare you for the chilling moment when you realize there is nothing in there, at least nothing good. Sick humor is the only way to go!!!
Thanks Kelly
Really – when that light was shining on me I left EVERYTHING for a sack of shit promises…. He is a master at his trade. They are dangerous people.
Truly soul-less predators
MM, my therapist at the time also told me that my ex was a Sociopath. I was flabbergasted when she said that because I had never considered him as such but it makes perfect sense now. It also made me realize that this was the REAL him and that nothing I did or said would ever change that or him for that matter. That was a real turning point for me in my mind. Even though we were already divorcing, I tortured myself for months and years going over it in my head: what if I had done this or that, blah, blah, blah…
She told me that, more than likely, my ex wanted to be the good person and that it was just a façade that he could not keep up with and that finally his REAL personality broke through and his narcissistic tendencies took over.
If you’re not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, I would recommend it. I learned a lot about myself, my ex and what I needed to heal myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a work in progress and healing takes a while but it is so worth it!
“She sent me she liked being on top because she wanted to make you jealous.”
… Followed immediately by “she’s too fat to be my type. I don’t like fat chicks.”
My absolute fave stupid thing the ex said, during the first weeks of our separation;
“I know I’m a very negative person, I have a bad temper, I don’t really know how to ‘do’ relationships, I stress and bring home the stress, I can only see the bad stuff in every aspect of my life, never the good. So what I need is a woman who doesn’t bring this out in me!”
That’s when I knew there was NO point in talking about anything, ever again, for any purpose, other than practical issues about the kids.
My husband tells me “He and the OW NEVER argue.” How can they argue when they only talk on the cell phone and text alot. I us e to try and deflect the negative conversation and was told I was playing devil’s advocate.
Isn’t it funny? We get to deal with the bills, the laundry, and the hassles of real life and the affair partners get the romance, the excitement, and the sex. No wonder real reconciliation is so rare.
In my fantasy revenge world she comes down here to live in my house and one day when he is in a bad mood he will start treating her the way he treats me. Wake up call OW
Same here except I fantasize about her getting a dose of real life from him and thinking “Maybe old HB wasn’t so bad.” I’m very attentive, loving, and safe. She just got bored; but, maybe when the “sparks an butterflies” wear off I won’t seem so ridiculous. One can hope.
Anyway Janet, I hope by the time your revenge comes to pass, you’ve got a great life and maybe a great guy and you can look at it an go “Meh…” That would be the sweetest revenge of all.
HearthBuilder when I have to leave the home he and I bought together and that I have lovingly attended to for 16 yrs I will never come back and my heart will have such a wall around it that I won’t let him back in. It has to be that way because way to often in my life that man I was involved with would move on and a few months later (about 6 ms) would call “oh I mss you etc…” I am a great woman. I have to go NC with him he is the one that has broken my heart worse than any man I ever knew and the one that could find his way back in. I am too vunerable to him. I hope you are going on to build a great life.
Stay strong Janet, and make sure that wall only applies to him and others like him. I hope he beats his brains out on it.
I feel like I’m vulnerable to my wife too. In fact, I’ve described myself as a cracked open tooth with bare nerves exposed. She knew the pain I was in and still ran off to be with him whenever she felt like it. And yet, I get a stupid text from her about nothing and some idiotic part of my brain goes “Hey maybe this was just a nightmare and now it’s over. Maybe this can be salvaged.” This site really helps provide perspective.
I went through the same thing a couple months ago but my therapist says I am getting past the denial and although she is not big on telling people what to do she told me to dump the idiot. Still there is a stupid part of my brain that wishes different. And you are right I must hit the CL site a couple time of day for moral support
I just got some good ones.
Ex: I only made “one” mistake. This after he admitted (probably not the whole truth) to having sex with 3 women and then me finding out that he has been chatting and meeting with more for over 1 1/2 yrs.
Ex: I have been really good to you.
Ex: I only did it out of the insane fear that you were going to cheat on me and it drove me to make poor choices.
I found a naked text from a girl. I left him but he convinced me that it was random and that he hadn’t been in contact with her. Even had her send me a text explaining that she hadn’t been with him for 3 years….RIGHT! But of course, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
After that, one month later I found he was on Adult Friend Finder and found email after email to other women wanting to meet with them. I confronted him and he denied it all until I actually SHOWED him the messages. Then he tried to say that after the picture debacle that he had “quit” at which time I pointed out to him that they had date stamps on them. Last week, I found out he actually was still meeting people after the picture issue and then he said:
Well, I thought that you had left me for good so it didn’t matter.
He has begged me, told me he would do anything to save our relationship and then tried to blame it on my lack of commitment (we are not married but he asked me repeatedly). I was hesitant to marry him because he had freely admitted to me that he had cheated on his 1st two wives. But of course, “im different, He would never cheat on me because he has never felt like this before, I am his soulmate…..blah, blah, blah”
How pathetic am I that I still think I should try counseling with him, all while knowing I should just tell him to get lost. I have been in several abusive relationships and they all say thee same damn things. Help!
Get yourself a really good counsellor or therapist, and start thinking of this as an addiction. You can’t work out a live-able relationship w/heroin, nor w/a serial cheater. Actually, if you have a clean and legal source, you can probably actually have a MUCH better life w/heroin than you can w/a repeat cheater!
Work towards going No Contact, and when you slip, go right back to it. Figure out what things you tell yourself that make being in touch w/him sound like a good idea, and figure out why those thoughts are WRONG. Be patient with yourself, and keep working on taking better care of yourself. It can take a while, but you can be so much happier.
You’re not pathetic TK, you’ve just picked some pathetic guys to hang around. All I can say is there are a lot of good guys out there (me included once I get myself straightened out after spending my entire adult life in what appears to have been a sham marriage) who would give anything to be with someone sincere and true.
You didn’t marry him because of an instinct gut reaction and quite frankly he has shown his true colors. Seriously, find a therapist.
Interestingly after my ex-husband abused me, I went to abuse counseling and support groups and told me to make boundaries and stick to them and to most of all trust my gut.
I have somehow forgotten all of that great advice. I have let him stomp on my boundaries many times all in the hopes that ours is a safe, wonderful, one of a kind relationship. HA!
HE gave me another great excuse tonight…. “I was lonely”. And yes I know that I need to go NC with him and I am working on it. I definitely have some co-dependency issues here.
TK, have you ever been in a crowd and felt so terribly lonely? I have and I can tell you that you can get over it. You WILL meet new people, you WILL learn to make a new life, you WILL “get over him” and you WILL be so very glad you did. A few moments of pleasure, or feeling secure is no way to live the rest of your life. You are allowing him to control your feelings, feelings that are yours to control, not him. You owe this turkey not one damn thing. He is misery, walking, talking and doing what makes him happy, not you. Take care of yourself. Make YOU numero uno and kick his sorry ass as far away from you as you can. Empower yourself…I give you permission to become the strongest person you can be. Now that you have permission, GET OUT THERE AND TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!
Amen Yoder
I have been lonely sitting in the same room with my husband
Ditto Janet. This process, and the possibility of one day meeting someone, made me realize that I’ve been so freaking lonely for so long I think I forgot what the alternative used to feel like.
Remembering that… not a good feeling.
My sister pointed out – after the “whole thing” reared it’s ugly head – that though I would touch my ex on the shoulder, or whatever, that he never simply touched me… as he walked by, or was (seldom) standing near, or anything. I now am in a wonderful, loving relationship where I am loved, respected, supported, encouraged, and am ALLOWED TO DO THE SAME.. After so many years it’s foreign to me to have such a normal relationship. Frankly it was hard to adapt. As if, still, upon occasion, I’m waiting for something bad, I waiting for the sneer, the turn away, whatever. I cherish my man, and what he has allowed me to be and give, and what he is has given me. There is life… You can have it.
I am too, every day.
One day, while sitting on my front porch drinking a margarita by myself while my X was somewhere else on the property sitting outsideby himself , I had what I call my George Thoroughgood Epiphany. I really don’t like George Thoroughgood…. think he’s a Napoleonic no talent hack. Always laughed at his songs, especially “I drink alone”. But here I was sipping at an excellent marg, enjoying the summer night in Colorado and feeling totally lonely with my spouse less than 100 yards away. Suddenly, I started singing ….”and when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.”
I laughed til I almost cried… spouse didn’t even turn his head.
Wish we had a “like” button.
How about this one?
“I might be able to stay with you for the kids sake. I just have to learn to redefine happiness.”
Thanks. Don’t trouble yourself on my account. It was only a 24 year relationship after all.
Or when I said I was considering divorce:
Wife: “I always let you take the lead on big decisions so if you think that’s best…”
What I really said: *stunned silence*
What I thought of later: “How about the decision to have sex with other men? That was a big one. I think I would have gone an entirely different route on that one.”
During the divorce process, the now-ex sent an email to my attorney. He wrote that “It’s not true I told Glad I was interested in another woman….. I told her I was interested in TWO other women.”
He also sent my attorney an email complaining I had “gone on a shopping spree at Walmart.” Because I lost 30 pounds IN ONE MONTH after dday, I needed to buy some new clothes that fit. Spent $200 at Walmart OF MY OWN MONEY, and he complained about my “shopping spree”. My friends still tease me about that.
Right after dday, he quit his six-figure, excellent job he’d always claimed to love, and sent my attorney an email saying that due to the stress of my filing for divorce (though he was having multiple affairs and had told me he didn’t love me and never should have married me) he had decided to “pursue his dream and calling” of becoming an actor.
It’s been three years and so far he’s made around $15,000 in this “dream.” He lost our house to foreclosure, filed bankruptcy, wiped out his retirement fund, lives in his sister’s spare bedroom and is around $25K behind in support money.
He now says he’s a motivational speaker, he wrote a book about how “inspirational” he considers himself and he has a local radio show where he is presented as a “relationship expert.”
Inspirational speaker? He inspired me to want to vomit. I guess that’s a kind of inspiration.
Sorry he “motivated” me to want to vomit.
HB, me too.
Oooooo Glad, my ex is now an “inspirational speaker, consultant and business coach”. He holds himself out as a role model and paragon of passion and commitment. This is a man who cheated on me for at least 17 of the 25 years of our marriage with 2 co-workers I thought were family friends, sometimes group sex, and sometimes in our home with my children and me sleeping upstairs. Of course never used condoms. My ex claims to be such a leader but he never actually made it for long in the financial services industry in which he worked, and I am the one who carried him and our family financially during our marriage (while he played around in whatever of the numerous jobs he held and wined and dined his crazy sex partners on my dime). Oh, and the people employed by him in his new consulting business are none other than—his group sex partners—helping lead people in integrity, commitment and honor. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.
The faithless dickhead who wants to destroy you financially is going to consult on leadership??? That’s so typical. I’ve been a senior manager for a long time in the business world but I’ve always been the proudest of, and most invested in, my position as the leader of my family. I can’t say it’s worked out that great; but, it wasn’t because I didn’t try or care. How can life be so unfair Kelly? Don’t you feel like you want a refund or a do-over.
… that last period obviously should have been a question mark. Grief makes me type poorly.
Also I just realized that it’s Nord’s ex that is bent on financial revenge. Sorry Kelly, I guess grief affects more than just my typing.
If by “relationship expert” he means an expert in what you should absolutely NOT do then, sure.
I can’t help[ myself Shopping spree at Walmart?! LOL
Walmart? You crazy spender you. Better keep a hold of her cards, who knows what she’ll do next.
Imagine. A whole 200 dollars.
God forbid any of us spend money on things that even Social Services considers “necessities” on a yearly basis. $200…? Shopping spree… Tee hee hee… They will try to get away with nailing us for anything while hiding assets from us or just flat out not paying support in many cases. Unreal. That’s what I keep coming back to when I read these posts. It’s unreal what we have gone through. No one should have to go through these kinds of harassments.
The whole point of marriage is supposed to be two people who love one another. If they divorce, it’s supposed to be sad, but the love should just die in a week, a day, an afternoon! I would expect people to be sad but still care for one another’s well being. It amazes me how quickly my ex, who loved me and wanted to work things out in the week after the final day, all of a sudden didnt love me or our kids anymore.
I know now its because he never did. It’s just such a mindfuck.
That statement should read “love shouldn’t die” not love should… I am trying hard to get used to the auto complete on this tablet. Sorry.
Janet, an ounce. Not trying to get sloshed, just fall peacefully asleep.
Another fave stupid thing the ex said;
So, I’ve found out about this second affair, confronted him, told him the relationship is over, offered to move out (w/the kids) and he’s insisted the kids and I stay in the house, he’ll get a place. He spends a long weekend in NY w/his shmoopsie, pretty much breaking my kids’ hearts (they’ve seen very little of him for months while he’s working in another city, we’ve announced the separation, then he chooses to spend that weekend w/her, and doesn’t contact them during it). Then he stalls on getting a place for almost 2 months, when he’s home on weekends he’s sleeping in the guest room and trying to act like nothing much has changed. I finally get him a place, I go with him to make sure he signs the lease.
As we’re leaving his new place, he says ‘this is just temporary, right?’.
And I’m so clueless, I think he means he’s not going to spend the rest of his life in a one-bedroom rental. So I say ‘right;.
Only much later do I realize he actually thinks he’s going to be coming back! Cheeesh!
Cheaters stay in denial until they literally have nothing, then and only then, it hits them, they are shocked to face reality.
and that is when they come begging for forgiveness and “you are 100% right” and “I will do anything”
it doesn’t last, though.
It was when we were fighting.
I had nowhere else to go.
We used a condom.
I was fucked up and she climbed on top of me.
It was only one night.
It was only two nights.
I can’t remember I was fucked up.
GAH!!!!!!
Him: It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was an accident.
(Really? You accidently hopped on a plane to Vegas to meet up with an ex-girlfriend, and share a bed in a hotel? But you didn’t think anything would happen?)
Then, about 2 weeks later, after I’m still upset: When are you going to forgive me? God forgave me and I forgave myself!
(Wow. That’s very big of you to forgive YOURSELF! You don’t forgive yourself! You forgive the people you hurt…like your wife!)
Nice to know God forgave him. I take it he has a close and personal relationship with God. After all, it wasn’t like he broke his promise made before the Lord to, what was it? “forsake all others”
When I told my husband he’d broken that vow, he said ‘I don’t remember that being part of the marriage ceremony! No, that’s not in there.’
Been divorced for 14 years from a serial cheater (after 17 yrs together) and now married to a dedicated, hardworking, respectful man for the last 8. But the trauma of the years with the cheat still linger – and maybe cuz our youngest graduates from HS this month, and I will have to see/speak to x for the first time in years …seems a bit fresh lately… but here’s some oldie but goldies to contribute:
1) I love you but I really, really LIKE her
2) She feels really bad about this too
3) I was never sober when I cheated with anyone else… just so you know that.
4) You look really good – but if we split up it’s gonna be hard for you to find someone else because you’re such a bitch ;
5) Oh, so you have to be all righteous and sleep on the couch?…I made a mistake, I said I was sorry.
6) you are so emtionally emeshed with me – there’s got to be more to your life .
7) and finally, “you just don’t know how to have fun”. … guilty – supporting a family in a town where I knew no-one, having small children and an incredibly demanding job, and putting you through 9 yrs of higher education.,while you charmed the co-eds, yep, I was just such a bore –
My youngest turns 18 in 6 weeks – I can sleep easy now knowing that if something happens to me he can’t swoop in and end up raising my kids .
Ex NPD husband was a personal trainer in a big exercise group. He had affairs with two married women in the group simultaneously. He explained to me that both of them were pursuing him very aggressively, so to discourage them (because he would never cheat, you know!) he told them the only way he would sleep with them is if they had a threesome. He claimed he said this to scare them off. Because I guess just saying, “No, I’m not interested and I’m faithful to my wife.” wouldn’t have been discouraging enough.
They had the threesome.
He went on to have a very intense affair with one of them, desperately trying to get her to dump her husband. He continued using the other as a fuck buddy, and triangulated these women like crazy. The whole thing lasted for months, and maybe is still going on for all I know.
Oh, and he also said many times that he wasn’t having sex, he was helping the serious affair partner “work on her marriage” because he would NEVER sleep with a married woman.
Gladit’sOver, story after story, comment after comment, I continue to be amazed at how stupid these cheaters become and seem to believe we are too. We are not stupid, we are trusting. I refuse to change my values just because their’s are in the dumpster. I go to bed with a clear conscience, they don’t. I can hold up my head, still proud of who I am, they can’t. I do not sneak around to avoid people, they do. They will have to live with the fact that they have broken man’s law, God’s law and our promise to each other. I may die trying, but I will get through this, but he will never be able to unfuck the OW. Living with that for the rest of his life has already begun to wear on him. About all I have left for him is disgust.
I’m right there with you, Yoder. I swear you could be writing about what’s happening to me.
Dear Yoder,
Amen to that. I have basically only seen the soon to be x a few times since he left 9 months ago. I do run into the OW at work – her office is across the hall from mine. I find it hilarious how she skulks around the building trying to avoid me. I have made sure to tell EVERYONE she is having an affair with my husband and that the both of them are dog turds. I took a job in another state starting in Sept so my daughter and I can start over. We both are changing our last names back to my maiden name as
part of our fresh start. It is helping us both feel like we pressed the reset button on life and this version doesn’t include the dog turd.
Really, it is just such a “collective” story. If you substitute nouns for pronouns, and acronyms for descriptions, it truly becomes a universal story. There isn’t even an age or gender differentiation. Not even length of marriage seems to matter. I am far too close
I am far too close to it right now, but I can see a screen play coming. Wonder how many will recognize themselves and their ex’s and ow’n? Have a great opening in mind, but of course, can’t write the ending until I get there.
And thanks to CL, chumps all over can see they are not alone and that integrity, facts, and responsibility are still valued today.
Love this!
Kelly, I don’t know that misery loves company, but we certainly love sharing it with other paddling the same canoe.
I can tell you from experience it does get so much better and easier although for me, there remains some internal residual damage that floats to the top every once in a while. Once the doors and windows open and the toxic air blows out, things start to smell and feel – fresh. Only words I have to explain it. You wait for the really hard stuff to happen once you’re on your own – and it doesn’t – because even the hard things are easier than what you put up with; and one day you realize that 500 lbs of weight is lifted from your shoulders and you didn’t even you you felt it, until it was gone.
I blossomed and I mean really, really just blossomed after I finally walked away. My friends today totally can’t believe it when I tell them that for 10 years I was alone – totally alone and had no friends or life outside of work and family because he either screwed them or alienated them. Before and after pics in photo albums provide the proof. I look 15 years older than my age just by the lines in my face – in the old “couple snaps” and de-aged within a quick year or so afterwards. At 28 I looked 40 and at 38 I looked 29 (smile).
Unwinding yourself from the cheat takes some dedicated effort, and it’s hard to get past being mad at yourself for having put up with it sometimes – but nothing, nothing, nothing replaces the feeling that you know who you are, what your values are, and finding that your own dignity is worth every once of your protection. It does get much, much easier and life is/will be soooooo much better. Promise.
Marcie – so glad to hear that! Makes me so happy to hear about chumps that have moved on and found real happiness.
I feel like I’ve moved on a lot, but a part of me feels like I’m still waiting for my new life to start. I guess it just takes time…
Macie, You give such feelings of hope. Self doubt can be so overwhelming. Just a little optimistic hope really helps.
I want to play….
Her: I was selfish and only thinking of myself.
Me: Um, no shit Sherlock! So you’re hoping “what”, that this bullshit answer will make the questions about your affair stop?
Her: My counselor has advised me to move past this. Why can’t you?
Me: So let me get this straight, It’s been 1 freaking month and a so called professional has made this absurd and ridiculous assumption, so I should just respect that… suck it up and get over it already!?
Her: I don’t want you to read my emails or texts to him. It will only hurt you more.
Me: OK, so what you’re REALLY saying to me is that you don’t want me to know ALL the fucked up scummy details about what you actually did!?
Her: I can’t help you heal from this because I’m not you… and I don’t understand what you’re going though.
Me: Why don’t you just be honest for once in your miserable broken life and tell me what you’re really thinking, e.g.,Hey fuckhead!, I JUST LOST MY LOVER., I hurt too dammit!
Her: When I said “I love you” to him, I meant it like I would say it to a good friend or relative.
Me: Except you didn’t FUCK those good friends or relatives. But hey, it’s only semantics right?
Her: I now realize how much I love and want you.
Me: NO, you’re scared shitless because you now realize that your free meal ticket just may have an expiration date printed on it!
And my all time favorite….
Her: No we didn’t use condoms! He has been married for over 35 years, just like us. We don’t use condoms do we?
Me: OK uncle!, I give up :-0
Particulars… Her affair lasted 3-1/2 years. 11 months of false reconciliation ended when I found out she was still in contact with affair partner. Divorce will be final on 6/6/13 (prophetic date don’t you think?) The end.
“Her: When I said “I love you” to him, I meant it like I would say it to a good friend or relative.
Me: Except you didn’t FUCK those good friends or relatives. But hey, it’s only semantics right?”
You should have said, “so you sleep with your good friends and relatives. If this is something other members of your family do as well that would explain a lot.”
Of maybe just a horrified, “you sleep with your good friends and relatives!?!”
Oo! Another good thing you could have said is “So how many of your relatives have you slept with then?”
XD
Oh my gawd! Seriously, the shit they say it completely amazing.
You have some winners there TJ.
D-Day is soon for you…
The anniversary of my Divorce is on Mother’s Day, May 12th. YAY!
I hope you had a wonderful day!!!
I CANT WAIT!!!
But hey, it’s only semantics right?
– yup, I got the same thing about it being a brother-sister love. Even though the same series of texts had “goodnight sexybum” and the phone bill revealed hundreds of dollars of calls and texts to her incl. during the day when “you mustn’t ring me / disturb me at work”!!!
But apparetnly SHE threw herself at him when he was “vulnerable”. The phonecalls instigated by you, mate, tell a different story.
… it took him 6 months to admit to sex… all the fake time in counseling… all the pretend attempts… the trip to Mexico with our daughter – he was loaded the whole time…
Her husband and I (as we were all “friends” of course) sorted it out… comparing notes… dates… It caused me to research his turnpike pass, his phone records, his check register, his credit card receipts… man – he even just regularly charged the motel room on his regular checking account debit card!
I finally called him from work “i need to see you now”
“ok”
“I’ll be home in 10 minutes”
he was upstairs in his office… I asked..
“did you have sex with (OW)?”
he turned and looked at the wall…
“yes”
“why have you lied to me for so long?”
“BECASUE SHE DIDN’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW. I PROMISED HER I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE”
Wow – what a man of high moral standing.
MMB, how did he react when it came out? I mean do you think he wanted to get caught or do you think he was just so cocky that he thought he never would? My wife worked pretty hard not to get caught but she had it a lot easier (SAHM with ample free time and no suspicion from me).
Actually Hearth Builder – he said more than once – I think I wanted to get caught… he said he was a bad liar.
That was wierd, I think it was getting to be “too much” for him.
Strangely enough after so many years of lies, I still had a shred of empathy for him. He said after I caught him with his pants down – so to speak – “I always hoped you would find someone else” said I”drove him away because I was “jealous and resentful”. In fact those were the first words he said to me when I caught him with the OW. What bullshit. She was not the first I had been told about and knew about, just the most pervasive. I had such blinders on becasue I had goven up so much to move 5 states away to be with him… and corporate directorship. left my family and friends, moved my then 11 and 6 kids, only to – within two weeks – have him say ” oh why donlt you just buy that house across the street and lets not get one together. (this was 1990). I actually lost my cookies as they say, lost custody of my kids, and had a hard time “coming back”. I was so blind to the signs and held on harder and harder to his gossamer promises and declarations which misted away within a few months of my move. I was so foolish and as time passed, I realized I would not get out whole with my head up unless I caught him red handed….
He allegiance was never with me… his favorite term “whatever” to any comment, query or reply.
I really was beaten down emotionally by all of this.
Once I found him and went through a very humilitating “pick me” dance for 6 months – the truth was revealed. I think I held on so long because it was just the status quo.
We went through 5 months of joint counseling sessions; it was revealed after DDay that he had told his counselor right off the bat that he had told me he had sex with the OW,,, I discoved that tidbit when I had the “joint” counseling session wothout him after DDay.
What I do know is the whole marraige was a sham.
EXCEPT
I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter that I cherish… (he was screwing OW while I was pregnant I understand now – but that’s his problem.)
and
had I never lifted up roots and moved here – I would have never met the man I now love. Strangely enough, he is a friend of 43 years of my STBX and who’s wife, one of my best friends, passed away.
What I have learned:
YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE; ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE
PEOPLE WILL GET IN YOUR BUSINESS – LOOK AWAY
BE HONEST
BE KIND
RESPECT YOURSELF
There’s gonna fallout, know that the fallout will inculde people you don’t expect – not even in a million years.
Know to that you have so much support that’s in the wings – people that you don’t even know about.
As my mother always said ‘IF YOU CANT SAY SOMETHING NICE DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL” If you want to tell your “story” do it by action – keep the
gory details to yourself (that’s why I like this site – I can bitch).
My STBX was telling everyone I would F==K anyone… geee that’s hard to believe – I never even went out but ONCE for a friend’s birthday party , and I was so uncomfirtable being out… He said all kinds of crap to make himself look good. In the end, NAAAA. Didn’t work.
He still has his supporters, but I never liked them anyway.
I’ve got a great life.
I have great friends and family who I love and who love me.
My business made it through withouit my full attention – I little worse for the wear, but good.
My focus is on my daughter, who has had to grow uo too fast, and I have so much support, faith and love from my dear friend who loves me and lets me love him.
I’ve said in other posts how my STBX and the OW are moving into the house my ex and i own… I couldn;t give a rats ass, frankly. Got another text this weekend how it was “so emotionally hard” for him – so many of my :personal items: were still there: Boohhoo.. I’ll get the belongings out on my own time. …and don’t throw out my cookie cutters you asshole. …NOR all my big kids stuff in the attic. Just because you spread shit all over our lives doesn’t mean we each don’t have some shred of good memories. I guess he knows none of those include HIM. BooHoo for you.
I read your post this AM I am struggling so hard here. It becomes more and more apparent to me that as much as my husband keeps saying he wants a divorce he is not going to lift 1 finger towards the process; leaving it all on me. I feel so hurt. Damn it I am not the on who is involved with another person, I did not ask for the divorce. If I start the process there is no turning back and as much as I sure there is not much left to salvage here damn it I still care about him. He is so helpless when it come to real world stuff I keep telling him even if we mediate a financial agreement he still should consult a lawyer but no… he just doesn’t. I am frustrated, angry and so sad that he is forcing me to this.
Do what you need to do for yourself, He’s an adult and has to take care of his own life. “He is so helpless when it come to real world stuff..” He was certainly able to cheat wasn;t he?
Take care of yourself and don’t get sucked into his neediness. Read “Pick Me” a thousand times…
I love the way they default into inertia…
It’s a huge control thing.
Thanks I never looked at it as a control thing, which is definately his thing!
yes it is passive agressive, the inertia default.
His excuse for never helping me with the kids/housework/family holidays: “you just want to dominate and control everything…so I leave you to your own devices” – well it is a catch-22. I am so exhausted from doing everything because he wn’t lift a finger that I do not pay him enought attention. So he seeks and finds that attention outside our marriage – from the first skank who comes along who “just wants to enjoy life” (read: blows all her money on alcohol and gambling then complains she can’t afford to feed her kid. Yet works FULL-TIME and pays subsidized rent)
MM Burned, did he think you wouldn’t check after the serial liar he had become? You were supposed to take his word on face value? HAHA!
‘“BECASUE SHE DIDN’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW. I PROMISED HER I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE”—this takes the cake! So he could keep his promise to her but not to YOU, HIS WIFE?
Indeed, a man who is true to his word…whenever it suits him.
Sorry you are going through this…
All to be expected from a narcissistic sociopath!!!
Valentine, I will think of you all day on Mother’s day. Maybe it will make us BOTH feel better.
This is for those of us who are over forty. In my case waayyyyy over forty. From Andy Rooney. I too, can hardly wait to get out.
Andy Rooney’s thoughts on women over forty:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.
If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.
A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.
Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.
A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
Being in the wayyyy over 40 crowd – I really appreciate your post!
Just hit 40, and I came across this on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. It’s brilliant!
Thank you Yoder for that! I thought of you yesterday on Mother’s Day as well…All the ‘mother’s’ were asked to take a pic and I was reminded how bittersweet it was for me. Glad that I did not pro-create with the assclown and a little sad because I really did want to be a mother. Ah well! I am HAPPY now…even though I don’t have children, I am in a much better place in ALL ways.
Thanks also for saying that about women over forty! I agree with it wholeheartedly! Andy Rooney got it right!
Our 40’s is the best time for us to come into our own!
I enjoyed my 40’s vaguely remember them on this side of 6o. But I did love the posting Thanks Yoder. I put it on my facebook page and shared it with a couple of my best over 40 friends
Thanks, I am glad you enjoyed it. When I read it I did an inventory and really came to believe h is a real son of a bitch and nothing he can say or do can ever make up for what he has done. I needed to realize that I will make it with or without another man in my life.
New one…. dealing with the X about picking up some stuff of mine he still has, and he wouldn’t answer my e-mails, and had changed his phone number. He finally called 2 months later.
Me: i just want my stuff.
Him: I didn’t answer because you are always so mean to me. You say you will never believe anything I ever say again.
Me: whatever… when can I drive the ten hours to come get my stuff.
Him: I WAS NEVER MEAN TO YOU, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO MEAN TO ME?
Me: Really? Never mean to me?
Him: well I did some despicable things to you, but I’ve already said I was sorry. I’m not mean to you now.
Me: well, lying to me is pretty mean. Abusing me is mean. Cheating on me is mean.
Him: Geez… why do you have to keep bringing that up… I am sorry for that every day,, trust me.
Me: i’ll call you when I get to town. Bye.
What a tool…..
Me: I found Viagra in your pants pocket while I was doing laundry.
X: I got it for you! I was just trying it out at the office to see if it worked!
He can try it out in the automatic pencil sharpener…
The pencil sharpener comment made me laugh til I cried. This entire post is the best I have read about idiot cheaters. Yoder is right this should be a book.
Unbelieveable! They just make up the rules as they go along.
I am always amazed that cheaters think that if they have “forgiven themselves” everyone else has/should too! Just amazing. “Why do you always bring that up!” “There you go again” blah blah The are such selfish boors. It comes up every time I have any communication with him. …and I’m supposed to have emparthy for his “pain” of having to move back in [with his girlfriend of 36 (count .em) years} into the house we shared. Boo Hoo. Everyone else is supposed to pour honey all over him while he sprinkles salt and vinegar. Turd.
I am 66 years old and I am of the opinion that if a guy wants to purchase Viagra, he should be required to bring a note from his wife.
You don’t paint your toenails anymore and THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT!
Heck yeah – the world revolves around such things, of course!
oh geeze, what a shallow prick.
Sounds like grabbing for straws to me XD
First time I found out about XH cheating:
“You never have any time for me. The kids take up all your time.”
“She rings me and talks to me; you never have the time.”
Well, if he helped parent the kids he chose to create, I would have more time. Instead he drank rum with his mates, went to the pub and slept. He was away for a week at a time for work – I would call him when he was on the road and he often ‘didn’t have time to talk.’
Second affair:
“She is my drug counsellor!”
XH used speed for work as a truck driver.
Third (and final affair):
“You are boring, our marriage is boring, we never have sex, I am entitled to my fun.”
Me: “And now you are welcome to have all the fun you want. Do I need to get tested for STDs?”
Him: thinks about it for around 30 seconds….”No I think you should be ok.”
You’re problem is that you aren’t good at sharing.
Had to deal with the ex this weekend. After I drove ten hours to get the last of my things, he left me waiting, as usual. Things were going well, and I listened to what he had to say, feeling some chumpy compassion for him. He was spouting the usual about how he would “do anything” to get me back, how his life was not worth living with out me in it (bear in mind, this is after he had stood me up a few times) and “no matter what I do I wish I was doing it with you.” Now, he just moved in with some woman (not the AP, those were, almost, all prostitutes.) So I asked, couldn’t help myself really, when you are in bed with other women, do you think of me? The creep said yes… said he always closes his eyes and wishes it was me. I was grossed out and said so, and his response was :
” Those are my feelings, what am I supposed to do, deny them? It would be different if you weren’t alive.”
I pointed out that I was, indeed, very much alive, to which he said “well, I obviously know that.”
At first, I thought it was some veiled threat, then it dawned on me. This man has never been a mental giant, or been even close to capable of his own thought processes, usually taking his emotional cues from whoever he is sleeping with. His new woman is a widow, having lost her husband a year ago. The creep is comparing her husband, who died, to me, who moved to New Orleans…..
How much tidier it would have been had I just died.
I am so glad you made the decision to get out. So happy you no longer have to be around someone like that. New Orleans sound like a wonderful place to start a new life. If it was good enough for Tennessee Williams, just think what you can do.
when I asked him WHY? this was his answer:
“I’m a dog…aging man vs. sex…no excuse…right decision for you to break it off with me.”
The answer I got to why was: “It’s complicated.”
I knew then and there we were over and he was a big pus*y because really, it’s not complicated, it is actutally pretty simple. You don’t lie and cheat. End of story.
Another good one is that “You know, a lot of people have affairs.” Maybe true but WTF, does NOT make it RIGHT!
The blameshift reasons I got were that “I had red flags about you, we had too much fun, it’s like it we were too good of friends and it was too normal”. He struggled with that I am NOT a co-dependent woman and that we didn’t communicate that much during the day. He and the woman he had an affair with would speak 5-6 times/day please 8-10 emails. I am sorry Mr. Bill, but I got a job, and it’s not to coddle your LAME ASS. In short, he can’t do normal, he is a serial cheater and I got out without too pain on my end.
My god, how DARE you be NORMAL and FUN!!
Wow XD
Yes, funny, what he “loved” about our relationship is that it was healthy, normal, fun and we took things slowly, becoming friends, etc. After our 2nd date he told me that he dated some for 11 years and they both cheated on eachother at the end – versus dicussing they were not happy. Red Flag #1. Then came the trust issues. Red Flag #2.
Not to be too personal but another “Stupid Shit That Cheaters Say” is after the first time we had sex and I didn’t have the BIG O, I shit you not, he said “Well, you obviously are thinking about someone else…” I was floored. No, dumbass, if I was thinking about someone else I wouldn’t freakin’ be here! WTF!
Nonetheless, I trusted my gut and after stumbling up something odd while in the waiting room of the hospital (he was having his appendix out), I confronted him. And then the “It’s complicated…” bullshit.
Oh, the odd thing I discovered was while in the waiting room, I noticted he had a new funky wallet. I looked at it and then looked his DL. For no other reason that he was in surgery and I was concerned/missed him, and I justed wanted to look at a picture of him. I put it back and noticted there was another DL in his wallet. It was a woman’s DL, expired in 2010 but I knew what it meant. Confirmed it though by looking at his call log and one email train – which made me want to puke with stuff like “I love you so much, ” NaughtyKisses”
After I confronted him that night in the hospital, left with his stuff, I went home in disbelief and in a totally fog. However, given that I have a sense of humor, I replaced the other woman’s DL with my senior year HS picture (it’s from 1991)! The following day, he discovered what I did with he DL, he oddly enough didn’t find it too funny!
REALLY! REALLY? Well, I didn’t find it too funny that he lied and cheated on me, with a married woman to boot. In addition to having different values systems, I guess whe don’t have the same sense of humor!
RockGirl is now *meh*, indifferent and very happy to be done with FishGuy as he sucks.
Thanks for the ear. MB xo.
Wow. Immature, stupid AND a hypocrite.
Glad you’re free of that guy. He really does suck.
Soon after discovering my husband’s two- year affair with a coworker….
Me: how could you have done this to our family?!
Stbxh: I told you! She admires me!
Me: do you know how much you have hurt us?
Stbxh: (screaming) YOU ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION LAST NIGHT! DON’T ASK ME AGAIN! IT HURTS MY FEELINGS!!!
And then…
STBXH: If your dad wouldn’t have gotten sick and died, I might not have had this affair. You just kept checking on him and not me!! Sue cared about ME!!! I resent your dad for doing this!!
Can’t make this shit up.
I’m out after 29 years of marriage.
Each comment conjures up in my mind, one word, “childish.” Cheaters become so childish about the way in which they rationalize their behavior. After 35 years together, I have raised our children, I do not intend to raise another one.
That’s right, Yoder. They are all a bunch of babies who cry and whine until someone picks them up.
Soon to be ex-husband – “You didn’t buy me yoga pants for Christmas”.
Five-month affair with her boss: “It’s not worth you being so upset about this silly thing that happened.” (I look at her ….. long pause) “that I did.”
Dear Chump Lady,
Wasn’t sure how to post, but here’s my question – What do you think is wrong with people like this – a married couple in an open marriage who go after pretty much anyone they can get, including family members like a brother or sister – whoever will go along with them in 3-way sex or group sex. Nobody is off limits. The whore wife has broken up at least four marriages, has multiple children by multiple partners, a few of which don’t even know they have children because she did not tell them – probably married men. There are no boundaries and anything is okay with them – sex clubs, gang bangs, hired strippers, sex with people they find online, 3-way sex with anyone who will go along with them, sex with family members, friends who will go along with them, co-workers, etc. with no thought or concern about the people they will hurt with their affairs, the marriages which will end, or the families they will tear apart by their actions. The whore wife will be with anyone she can get and has no feelings or concerns about the other women of the men she’s with. All men are fair game. Women are okay with her too. It’s what she does with no regrets almost as if it defines her having control over ruining other people by her power to get what she wants, whoever she wants. Her cuckold husband is okay with this as long as he can watch to take part in the sex in the sex. They appear normal until you become a victim of theirs after they have an affair with your spouse. Once they are found out, they point out that the spouse happily went along with them. They are not responsible for your spouse’s infidelity although they went after them knowing they were married. There is no human feelings of right or wrong, no compassion, no regret, even when families are torn apart. Are these people Sociopaths? Would posting them on Cheaterville be a good warning to others or a feather in their cap? How do people like this live with themselves? What is wrong with someone who has such low morals and decency? I can’t imagine living with the knowledge that you’ve destroyed lives, broken hearts and ruined families. They seem to get off on it.
Sociopaths.
But they’re right; your spouse was a grown-up, they made their own choices.
3 weeks prior to our 1st anniversary: Him: I’m really questioning our compatibility.
Me: Seriously??? This is just dawning on you now???
I was dumb enough to go into an eight-month “reconciliation” with the cheater, despite his staggering infidelity with other men, women, financial disasters, horrible lack of integrity, etc. It turned out, of course, that the only reason he wanted to reconcile was to get out of paying child support, have me move back into the family home, I would work full time and support him while he continued trying to become an actor. I’m pretty sure he was still cheating during this time, too.
I kept insisting he needed to get some sort of day job, that he needed to be bringing in some money. He refused and said I was just horribly negative, that he would have to find someone else ‘to encourage him” and that if I really loved him, I would want to “ride the roller coaster of his life, even if we crashed and burned.”
We were sitting at breakfast when he announced, “I don’t see any reason to work on this marriage more, because it’s obvious you aren’t going to accept me if I don’t have a job.”
Yeah, I’m really unreasonable that way. I kind of expect a man in his late 40s should have some sort of employment beyond making YouTube videos of himself dressed in a Halloween costume and dancing while singing a really bad song he wrote.
Honestly, it is as if cheating is a huge stupid pill and they swallow the whole thing.
Yes, except they swallow the blue pill and somehow manage to slip the chump the red pill.
So the conversation on “write a dating profile for your ex” reminded me of a great one…
It had been less than a month after I moved out, we were still in the “to reconcile or not” discussions and he joined Match.com.
Me: wow. that was fast. You’re already trying to date other women. I thought you were devastated by my leaving and couldn’t live without me.
Him: I’m just trying to meet people. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m not trying to date.
Me: You’re on a dating site.
Him: Yeah, but I’m nor trying to date, just meet people, you know, new friends.
Me: Bobby, this is a dating site. You’re trying to meet women.
Him: Well, I don’t want to meet MEN….
Me: hahahahahahaha. Did you really just say that? I gotta go.
Utterly jaw dropping. How stupid can they get?
“It was just an emotional affair.”
“You need to take responsibility for your part in this.”
“I felt too guilty to get it up, so I didn’t actually have sex with her.” (when I found underwear).
“They are for you.” (when I found condoms. Even though he’d had a vasectomy)
“I only cheated because you did it first.” (I have never cheated).
When I would caught him in a lie and confronted him: “You are denying my reality.”
When my 13 year old son found nude photos of him and a woman and messages between them on his computer, he accused me of finding them and showing our son.
“I’ve never had this problem in any of my other relationships.” (like it is somehow my fault he cheated)
“I thought you were probably cheating on me”
“She’s just one of the guys”
Her … “That wasn’t me in the nekkid picture I sent him … it was someone else”
XD
I actually lol’d at that one. Like, seriously laughed out loud. The sheer absurdity XD
“I am trying to decide between you two” – WTF? yeah, I’ll sit here and wait, you go sleep with her! NOT.
“Don’t meddle by contacting here and ruin it for me” – but of course I did, she had no clue!
“our relationship was getting silly” – huh?
“I was cheated on before” – oh so that makes it OK?
TJK: “You are denying my reality.” That deserves super-slow-mo applause for the raw dumb-assery of it.
He loves the psychobabble. Anything he has gotten from a therapist, he loves to twist it around. He is really proud of himself, too. Gets this look in his eye like “Aha! Got ya!”
So much stupid shit, but this is my favorite thing he said…My husband and I planned to meet at our vacation house. I went down a day earlier than we scheduled without telling him my plan. Sitting right on the bathroom sink was a bottle of Viagra. It had the date it was filled and was empty. Going by the date I knew we hadn’t had sex since it was filled. When confronted he said he took it ” in hopes of having sex with her “!!! My sweet revenge was getting the prescription transfered to a different pharmacy in a different state right before he went on a trip with her to the Bahamas. He has screamed at me about all kinds of stuff, but he has never said anything about his prescription being transfered.
I am a Lou, too. You think like I do. You rock! I love the twist of fate.
Thanks Yoder,
I needed that little pick me up!
Lou
I haven’t read through all of the comments so it’s possible this has already been covered, but:
“I love her, but I’m not ‘IN love’ with her (or you, for that matter.) Just what, exactly, does that mean??
i think it means i’m in love with me so how could i be in love with anyone else
Perfect Janet!
As I always describe my relationship with the ex abuser… Two people deeply in love. Both with the same person.
He said (about the first affair partner): “She’s like a sister to me”
He said (about the second who he left me for): “I didn’t want us to end up like your mum and dad”.
So he wants to fuck his sister?
” She is an old friend” “We are just catching up” this after he went at 2PM and came home at 2:35 AM. “you don’t understand friendship because you have no friends” Hmmm wonder who it is I have happy hour with once a week. “I am going to bind with her son because he had no father figure” freaking son is near 40 and the only bonding that was done was him pounding on mama until about 11PM and he got home at 1:35 AM. “You neglected me and our marriage” never mind I took care of a dying sibling for a few years, worked a full time job and took care of the house. “The old saying is if I don’t get what I need at home, I will get it some place else” uh yeah ok whatever, I was just as miserable as you but I did not look outside our marriage. “She is funny, she has a great personality and I enjoy talking to her, I will talk to her and if you don’t like it file the papers and I will sign them” Yeah sounded good when he said it, now the lying cheat want half my 401K.
When I confronted him with truth he said “you don’t know anything about her, you assume you know” Ok then listen to this as I quoted the last line of a text she sent him to talk about what a great time they had. His jaw hit the floor as he asked how I knew and then proceeded to tell me he was not giving up “all he had worked hard for” . I assume this to mean the house with no equity and my 401K.
“I called her last night and told her it was a mistake and sorry it went down like that” I said really then you have no problem getting rid of pics/vids/sex texts – his response was how did you know about those – uh didn’t until you just admitted they existed. Plus the fact you kept talking to her every day, getting pics of her whoo ha every day and numerous texts, but yet you will not leave the house and move on.
I swear – I am so ready to be single.
Polly, “I swear – I am so ready to be single.” Me too!
And golly gee Pollyanna – he wants to stay married because it “makes (him) feel secure”.
On top of that he lied about his income at the child support hearing, forgot to pay his taxes for three years, and can’t manage to pull together his real estate partnership values for the divorce settlement althought it was requested on 1/2/2012 – that’s eighteen months.
But he took 12 vacations last year…. substantial vacations.
And filed for support FROM ME because he can’t make enough money to support himself.
I swear I an SO READY to be single. He’s a classic case.
I am not sure if he really wants to stay married, but he said last Friday “I Do Love You” my response was how can you love me and continue to hurt me the way you do, you don’t do this to someone you love, you just don’t.
I did not get a text from him the rest of the day but when he came home 2 dozen white roses and dinner out. Certainly did not make up for the hurt he has caused, but I took them and said thank you.
I think he wants both of us, me for security and her for the kinky sex she likes. I am his third wife and she divorced her third husband because …get this…he CHEATED on her while she took care of her sick dad. How ironic is that?
Mine accused me of being overdramatic when i was telling him how he was hurting me and young his son by cheating, and playing the victim when I was crying.
He cried too. But only when I put down the retainer for the attorney. Priorities
I suspect he may be NPD as well.
“I am not in a place where I feel comfortable talking about this yet. You need to wait until I am ready, this has been so traumatic.”
On being told that he had tainted my first weeks with our newborn DD because I found out about his affair when she was 5 weeks old “Dont be so melodramatic”
and my personal favourite….
“I love you so much that I am afraid of losing you, I cheated so that I wouldnt care if you left” Eh?! 6 months later and STILL no clue WTF that means!
EmmaPemma, I’ll translate for you! It means;
‘I will inflict any kind of pain on absolutely anyone, including the people I’m supposed to love the most, just so I don’t have to feel the slightest twinge of discomfort.’