I get a lot of letters that go something like this: Shady thing. Shady thing. Transgressive OH NO THEY DIDN’T thing. Shady thing. I’m mortified to tell you this, I’m sure you’ve never heard this (editor’s note: Yes I have), humiliating thing. (pause) Denial, denial, minimizing, gaslighting, denial, bible study, denial, just friends, missing/stained/new underwear, […]
The ‘I Fail to Understand Your Hostility’ Mindfuck
There is no mindfuck like the I Fail to Understand Your Hostility mindfuck. As mindfucks go, it’s Jedi-level mindfuckery. Oh sure your lesser manipulator can sputter some pathetic lies, or shrug and play dumb. The IFTUYH mindfucker, however, is one cool customer. Zero adaptive anxiety. Your inchoate rage just bounces off their wall of smug. This crazy […]
Why Gaslighting Works
As mindfuckery goes, it doesn’t seem like gaslighting should work. It isn’t concealing the truth (lying) — it’s denying a reality you have actual evidence of. Gaslighter Jim: Nice dog you have there. Bob: That’s a pygmy goat. Gaslighter Jim: What breed is it? Labrador? Newfie? Bob: PYG-MY! Goat! Gaslighter Jim: I don’t know why […]
How to Deflect Gaslighting
Today’s How-To-Keep-Your-Sanity tips come from CN’s own Amiisfree, who sent in scripts she uses to deflect mindfuckery. If you’re anything like the average chump, (decent, law-abiding, a bit of a mark), you respond to mindfuckery with bewilderment. Maybe you sputter. Make a weak reply. What you probably DON’T do, is call it out. Amiisfree would […]
Gaslighting — Who’s The Crazy One Here?
Dear Chump Lady, Can we talk about the horrible act and effects of gaslighting by cheaters and how they try to make you think you’re crazy? My ex started fights with me deliberately all the time during the last year of our marriage and I didn’t realize what was going on until we were well […]
Dear Chump Lady, I can’t get my ex’s voice out of my head
Hi Chump Lady, I am heading toward the end of the divorce process for leaving my cheater. Overall things are progressing rather well for me. I’m working hard on the the ‘gain a life’ portion of recovery to much success. While I am not quite ready to be thinking about dating again, I have occasionally […]
Dear Chump Lady, Is all this pain worth it?
Dear Chump Lady D-Day for me was Aug 12, 3 weeks after our 20th anniversary. He admitted, after I basically squeezed it out of him, that he had had 2 affairs, one with a work colleague — whom he says turned psycho and he no longer talks to — and one with a woman out […]
Respond to Mindfuckery with Ridicule
Ideally, no one sticks around for gaslighting. The best response is no response — because you’re not there. But if you’re still in the thick of this infidelity crap, and every day is a whizz in the mindfuck blender here’s a pro tip — disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.” They understand perfectly. […]
Dear Chump Lady, He’s stuck on his ‘intentions’
Dear Chump Lady, I caught an incoming text on my husband’s phone from a coworker. Of course, he lied and said it was nothing and that it was the only text she had ever sent. In reality, they had been texting back and forth for a month. I was able to download the messages through […]
UBT: “You’re the one who still has my heart”
There’s a common trope in the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, that it doesn’t matter how many fuckbuddies one has, or for how long, the important thing is the cheater loved you all along. There was no pick me dance, because Babe, they came home to YOU. And don’t you feel special? Because you should! “Lynn” sent this […]
