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The Mindfuckery of Reverse Victim Offender

January 14, 2021 by Chump Lady

gaslighting

There must be a bazillion “How To Tell If He/She’s Cheating” articles on the interwebs. You know, the usual — new cologne, sudden penchant for 9-hour Pilates classes, weird showering habits, furtive texting, requires cavity search to reveal cell phone… But here’s the real clue you’re dealing with a cheater, and it’s not lipstick on […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Cheaters Decoded, Deception, Gaslighting Tagged With: DARVO, Gaslighting, manipulation

Why Is He So Mad at Me?

December 30, 2020 by Chump Lady

Voodoo doll

Dear Chump Lady, My husband and I were together for 8 years. We moved overseas together shortly after our wedding 2 years ago, so I could attend graduate school. He found a job in the new country and I thought we had a good life! Then, COVID happened, and since he was an essential worker, […]

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Blameshifting, DARVO, Gaslighting, Untangling the Skein

‘I Fail to Understand Your Hostility’

October 7, 2020 by Chump Lady

There is no mindfuck like the I Fail to Understand Your Hostility mindfuck. As mindfucks go, it’s Jedi-level mindfuckery. Oh sure your lesser manipulator can sputter some pathetic lies, or shrug and play dumb. The IFTUYH mindfucker, however, is one cool customer. Zero adaptive anxiety. Your inchoate rage just bounces off their wall of smug. This crazy […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Cheater Tactics, Gaslighting Tagged With: Gaslighting, manipulation

Is This Cheating?

March 31, 2020 by Chump Lady

I get a lot of letters that go something like this: Shady thing. Shady thing. Transgressive OH NO THEY DIDN’T thing. Shady thing. I’m mortified to tell you this, I’m sure you’ve never heard this (editor’s note: Yes I have), humiliating thing. (pause) Denial, denial, minimizing, gaslighting, denial, bible study, denial, just friends, missing/stained/new underwear, […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting, Trust that they suck Tagged With: Gaslighting

The ‘I Fail to Understand Your Hostility’ Mindfuck

February 11, 2020 by Chump Lady

There is no mindfuck like the I Fail to Understand Your Hostility mindfuck. As mindfucks go, it’s Jedi-level mindfuckery. Oh sure your lesser manipulator can sputter some pathetic lies, or shrug and play dumb. The IFTUYH mindfucker, however, is one cool customer. Zero adaptive anxiety. Your inchoate rage just bounces off their wall of smug. This crazy […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting Tagged With: DARVO, Gaslighting

Why Gaslighting Works

October 31, 2019 by Chump Lady

gaslighting

As mindfuckery goes, it doesn’t seem like gaslighting should work. It isn’t concealing the truth (lying) — it’s denying a reality you have actual evidence of. Gaslighter Jim: Nice dog you have there. Bob: That’s a pygmy goat. Gaslighter Jim: What breed is it? Labrador? Newfie? Bob: PYG-MY! Goat! Gaslighter Jim: I don’t know why […]

Filed Under: Gaslighting Tagged With: Gaslighting, Mindfuckery

How to Deflect Gaslighting

September 4, 2019 by Chump Lady

Today’s How-To-Keep-Your-Sanity tips come from CN’s own Amiisfree, who sent in scripts she uses to deflect mindfuckery. If you’re anything like the average chump, (decent, law-abiding, a bit of a mark), you respond to mindfuckery with bewilderment. Maybe you sputter. Make a weak reply. What you probably DON’T do, is call it out. Amiisfree would […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Gaslighting Tagged With: Gaslighting

Gaslighting — Who’s The Crazy One Here?

August 21, 2019 by Chump Lady

gaslighting

Dear Chump Lady, Can we talk about the horrible act and effects of gaslighting by cheaters and how they try to make you think you’re crazy? My ex started fights with me deliberately all the time during the last year of our marriage and I didn’t realize what was going on until we were well […]

Filed Under: Deception, Gaslighting, Trust that they suck Tagged With: Gaslighting

Dear Chump Lady, I can’t get my ex’s voice out of my head

March 4, 2019 by Chump Lady

Hi Chump Lady, I am heading toward the end of the divorce process for leaving my cheater. Overall things are progressing rather well for me. I’m working hard on the the ‘gain a life’ portion of recovery to much success. While I am not quite ready to be thinking about dating again, I have occasionally […]

Filed Under: Ask Chump Lady, Dating, Gain a life, Gaslighting Tagged With: Baggage, Gaslighting, self-esteem

Dear Chump Lady, Is all this pain worth it?

December 6, 2018 by Chump Lady

limbo

Dear Chump Lady D-Day for me was Aug 12, 3 weeks after our 20th anniversary. He admitted, after I basically squeezed it out of him, that he had had 2 affairs, one with a work colleague — whom he says turned psycho and he no longer talks to — and one with a woman out […]

Filed Under: Ask Chump Lady, Limbo Tagged With: Gaslighting, Limbo

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