UBT: “A letter to my husband from his cheating wife”
Sorry seems to be the hardest word if you’re a cheater. Oh sure, they can say it, but for some reason they just can’t seem to mean it.
Why is the Universal Bullshit Translator so skeptical of cheater sincerity? Because your average cheater — the sort that posts their Sorry But I’m An Enlightened Creature Now confessionals online — can’t go two sentences without sniveling about their own butt-hurt selves.
This is so hard on ME! When are you going to stop being so mean to ME! AIGH! A consequence!
If you have to deflect the conversation from the pain you inflicted on innocents to your own self-inflicted pain? Yeah, your sorry is bullshit. Sorry.
Today’s UBT faux apology fodder is “A letter to my husband from his cheating wife.”
Right now we are messaging about bullshit stuff like your car and phone bills and your phone screen cracking. And my heart feels like it is being torn into shreds.
Enough about your Verizon data usage overages! ME! MY PAIN!
Attending a friend’s wedding last month confirmed that there is no one I want to ever go through that with again. You are my guy.
Except for that other guy I was fucking. Weddings make me misty. For cake.
We were so in love on our wedding day. We were kids, but kids in love. We didn’t know what we were doing. But I committed then, that day.
By “we” I mean me. I didn’t know what I was doing. I committed. But I cheated. I fail to understand commitment.
Commitments are childish things you do when you love someone. Kids!
Then I lost my way. I made mistakes. I am so sorry. I want to fix it.
Darn GPS. I turned left at Fuck Brad Blvd. I meant to stay on You Are My Guy.
I really want to appear strong and fine to you but I am not. I miss you so very much. There is no other for me.
Um. Except for Brad.
I am listening to acoustic versions of sad songs.
And if you don’t come back to me now I will resort to yodeling.
This probably isn’t helping my cause but wallowing right now is making me feel a bit better.
The mindfuck station is firmly set to self-pity. I enjoy a good wallow, don’t you?
I have been putting on a strong exterior to get by with life but I am hating being apart from you. I am hating living with housemates, and not my husband.
They make me pay for my own groceries and shit. But not you. You bought me groceries. God, I miss living with your money you.
My husband. I didn’t truly appreciate the value and privilege of being able to say those words before. The past 5 months have really opened my eyes to how much I love and adore you, and how much I want to be the kind of wife that you are proud of.
It took 5 months of living with housemates and Brad dumping me for me to realize how much I adore a Plan B you. I didn’t value the privilege of having a chump. #eyeswideopennow
You are very black and white,
… to think cheating is a big deal. The problem is your moral absolutism. Not that I fucked Brad.
so if you think that ship has sailed, that I’ve made such grave mistakes that you cannot move on from, then that’s fair enough.
That cheating could be a “grave mistake” is your black and white perception. I don’t see it as such a big deal, but HEY, I’m APOLOGIZING ANYWAY. If you can’t Move On that’s fair enough, you narrow-minded, unforgiving, festering slab of resentment. #youaremyguy
Just let me know and I will leave you alone.
The whole moving out to live with roommates thing, you didn’t mean that, right?
But I just can’t seem to give up or lose sight of you. The fact you are still in touch gives me glimmers of hope that you aren’t ready to completely give up either.
We still own a car and phone plan together, but these financial entanglements that I refuse to sever let me know you care!
I have said before that I’ll wait as long as it takes. I am starting to realize that I actually will.
When I said “I will wait” before, that was just some crap that came out of my mouth. But now? I’m starting to realize, that I might actually mean something I said. Mind BLOWN!
Witnessing these weddings and watching my friends repeat vows brought me back to our wedding day. Two babies saying these huge words of commitment to each other. I didn’t know what I was saying.
Like ga-ga or bubba. Could mean bottle, could mean Binky, or mommy. Who understands baby talk? Huge words are too much for babies.
I thought I did. I am starting to grapple with it now. It’s sad but it took two years of marriage, one act of infidelity, and losing you, for my vows to really sink in. I realise the gravity of them now and I want to demonstrate that commitment.
TWO YEARS of cake — LOST. I realize the gravity of lost cake now. And I want to demonstrate my commitment to cake by securing you as my backup plan.
It’s five months later. I’m not a baby anymore. I’m a toddler. I’m going to pitch a fit because I lost you. That’s what it takes to understand vows. Similarly, I’m not toilet trained yet. I need to shit my pants for a few more years before “dry underwear” really sinks in.
My revelation. I didn’t really love you before. I loved how you fit in with my life. You ticked all my boxes — good looking, smart, caring, good family. I didn’t see you as a person in your own right. You were my husband which, to me at the time, meant sole source of my happiness. What a sad and delusional way I was living.
I didn’t see you as a person. And I don’t see you now, because I live with roommates. But trust me when I say I LOVE YOU! You tick all my boxes. Please tick the chump box.
It’s been tough to reprogram my behaviour and grapple with massive insecurities. But I am coming through the other side. As sorry as I am for the hurt I’ve caused you, how glad I am that I have been able to grow up and into who I was meant to be.
A sad child who lives with inconsiderate roommates.
Isn’t my potential awesome? Hurting you was an exercise in self-growth for ME. And doesn’t that make it all worth it?
Sorry, not sorry!
I have now experienced both sides of the coin. I know how awful I can be without any kind of accountability, and for the past few months I am seeing myself through new eyes. How accountable I am to God and myself, how I respect myself so much and care for myself and value myself so much more than ever before.
I cheated and got dumped and respect myself so much more as a result!
This wasn’t about me disrespecting and not valuing YOU — it’s about me not valuing MYSELF more.
But God loves me, and he’s got my back on this. He loves me. What the hell is wrong with you?
My recklessness is no longer part of me. I realise now I have something to lose.
Namely, cake. I’ll never be that reckless again. I’ll be much better at hiding my entitlement next time.
My second revelation. I had a drinking problem. It’s dawning on me that you can be a weekend alcoholic. For me there was no ‘off’ switch. I would drink with reckless abandon. My drinking and loneliness (which were not your fault or your doing, but all my own issues) were like scooping fire into my lap and thinking I wouldn’t get burnt. And then, what follows were these horrific acts of infidelity.
That “accountability” I just mentioned? The booze made me cheat on you. It was all Jaegermeister’s fault.
There is no justification but I hope you understand that my cheating wasn’t a result of a sober-minded person calculating a secret affair.
It was the result of a drunk person calculating a secret affair.
My loneliness combined with dangerous drinking habits was a perfect storm for empty acts of infidelity to occur.
So long as I’m never lonely again, and there’s no booze — no perfect storm! We’re safe!
It’s sad but it took two years of marriage, one act of infidelity, and losing you, for my vows to really sink in.
One act of infidelity. Empty actS of infidelity. The semantics of many times I fucked around doesn’t matter — I’ve turned a corner!
I’ve been sober for about 4 months now and feel so much better. There’s been a lot of soda.
If I cheat on you again, I’ll blame the aspartame. #fuckyoudietcoke
How grateful I am that I got an awakening before something irreversible happened.
Like you finalize that divorce.
I have a lot to be grateful for. Supportive parents, really amazing in-laws, a sister and brothers who are worried for me. Friends who invite me for dinner to make sure I am eating. I have a husband that will still even message me despite how I treated him.
I’m so grateful for all the little people who care. Peel me a grape, bitches.
I pray that if you are ever open to it, we are allowed a second chance. I don’t want you to be pressured to do anything but just know that I will continue to wait.
No pressure. Just a published blog-post or six. Take your time.
You were the love of my life. You still are. I am grateful for the time I was allowed to spend with you, and if I am fortunate enough to spend more time with you I will never forget what a privilege that is.
I was a baby. A kid! I didn’t understand vows. I didn’t love you, I loved the idea of you. I didn’t see you as a person.
You were the love of my life!
Babies understand love. It’s monosyllabic. We choke on polysyllabic words like “commitment.”
Maybe we can get together and practice big words? And sobriety? Buy you a soda?
You are loving in your own practical no-BS way. You are so funny. You are so silly. I miss our silliness.
Dirty cheat. How easy it was for me to judge people who cheated and were unfaithful. From my pedestal I would sanctimoniously feel pity for them.
You wouldn’t want to be one of those sanctimonious people who judge, would you?
Hey, this has all just been a bit of silliness! Who’s got yer nose?! This little piggy went to the market… whee whee whee! LOL!
“Why don’t they just leave them?”; “They must have so little self-respect”; “What a coward”; or the inventive “What an arsehole/slut”. You know what, I am in this category and I can liken the situation to being swept away by a current without noticing until you look around and you don’t see anything familiar anymore. Your standards/goalposts shift ever so slightly more and more, every day. You create your own whirlpool of resentment to your spouse and self pity for yourself that you justify your abhorrent behaviour.
No whirlpools of self-pity here, no Sir.
I’m just going to whimper some more until a friend checks on me and brings me food.
I hope they get here soon before I am swept away by currents of unfamiliarity.
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
I am so grateful that my eyes were opened and I came clean to you. Telling you was the most horrific thing to ever have endured — knowingly hurting the love of my life — but it was our best chance of (re)creating a strong marriage. You were the innocent victim in the train wreck that was my life for several years.
I cheated and devastated you because it was our Best Chance at having a strong marriage. Next I’m going to hammer your kneecaps with a threaded pipe to improve your posture. Because I care.
It’s going to be a long hard road whatever happens to us (together or apart) but I am strong enough and know myself well enough to be up to the task. If it’s apart, at least I’m not opposed to cats.
If you piss off a cat, they shit in your slippers. It’s going to be a long, hard road.
The UBT on target again. That thing must have the engine of a Honda, given its reliability.
Favorite lines: “And if you don’t come back to me now I will resort to yodeling.” and #fuckyoudietcoke (heck, any of the hash tags).
The UBT is from Detroit. It could NEVER have a Honda engine. Not if it ever wants to go home.
I lived in Saginaw for a year in the 90s. My then-girlfriend got a job as a photographer at the newspaper in town right after J-school. (It gets cold in Michigan BTW.)
Anyway, we showed-up to Saginaw in a brand-new Kia. Judging by the reaction we got, we’d have been less conspicuous if we’d been driving a flying-saucer. (Is that thing from KOHREEHA?) ?
Rumblekitty is from Detroit too, and nobody ever keyed my little Honda. Tolerance y’all. 😉
Love this one! UBT needs a nap after all that…..you know, the way itty bitty babies take naps. 🙂
“Peel me a grape, bitches.” – Chump Lady
Bahahahaha! LOVE IT!! Thx for the laugh, CL!
Maybe this was an April Fools joke. No…wait. She’s just a cheating douche.
I see your point–I’m from Michigan myself; father owned a Chrysler dealership.
I am also from Detroit! My favorite line from this UBT is the Talking Heads bit – “Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down.” Thank you, thank you, thank you for that, CL! Made my day!
I’m from Sault Ste Marie Mich. Hell of a thing to learn to spell when you were in first grade. My father owned an engine rebuild shop. My weener dog Kay-Kay was good at slipper shitting. I think it was because my X’s feet smelled so bad. Top it off with a cherry thing going on.
D-Twoit born and bread… entitlement cheaters? Something in the water? All apologies to Flint.
Another Detroit chump here! And I work at a Tier One automotive supplier, natch ?
My grandfather worked for Chrysler, including during WWII, when they were making planes instead of cars.
My grandfather (on my mother’s side) was one of the union organizers at Ford (and was almost killed twice for it). The irony is that Henry Ford once gave my grandfather a ride home when he was a small boy.
Windsor ( transplanted to the area 4 years ago ). UBT is Detroit tough.
This part of the world is not for Sissies.
We were the dirty immigrant Wops who traded sulphur mining for coal mining, and then coal mining for the Ford assembly line, and then eventually educated some of the family who worked at Fisher Body (GM). The fam still swears Hoffa is buried under the Lodge. This industry created the now defunct middle class.
I’d to summarize this:
Here is me playing the immature card, the God card, the substance-abuse card, then the “I did it for US but did it wrongly and I’m sorry it didn’t work!” card. I’ve slapped them all up on your wall and hope one of them sticks. Adulting is hard without you to do it for me!
How many of us can say this sums up our relationships with the cheater?
“Adulting is hard without you to do it for me!”
+1
My sparkly turd has just realised this and is desperately trying to entice me back into the “pick me dance”. CL and CN have stiffened my spine and I have resisted all attempts.
I’ve been trying to stay strong for almost 5 yrs now as hubby has been begging me to take him back. Trying everything humanly possible for me to forgive. All he wants now is to make my life good. Happy. He just doesn’t see, together we will never be happy again. He took our happiness away when he took on the ow.
He is always telling me,”This is where I belong, w you. We belong together. This is our home. Our life together.”
30 yrs of what I really thought was a good marriage. He just doesn’t get it, I’m not happy, nor will I be as us together as 24/7 I still think about the affair. It just never goes away. For the cheater, they want it to go away as soon as possible, but I still lives the ghosts.
EXACTLY! It’s not even about forgiveness, it’s about the fact that you can never forget (even if you want to); and the fact that you know they’ll do it again (if even they don’t think they will). The ghosts just keep haunting.
Yes! I was just thinking she threw a bunch of shitty excuses out there to see which one would stick. So many contradictions, so much mindfuckery.
Yeah. Her “one act of infidelity” morphed into “acts”. That’s ok. I got a Bill Clinton ” I did not have sex with that woman” excuse because, ya know, oral sex isn’t really sex. Since he had issues using condoms with randos, I can safely say he did not use a dental dam with the no sex oral sex either.
I’d like*…
“This is so hard on ME! When are you going to stop being so mean to ME! AIGH! A consequence!”
“If I cheat on you again, I’ll blame the aspartame. #fuckyoudietcoke”
AHAHAHA, your UBTs are brilliant, thank you CL :)!
To the tune of “Put The Blame on Mame”—-
If I ever cheat again,
“Put the blame on ASSSS partame” 😉
LOL!! +1
So they are married two years, and she’s already cheated? If you are listening, husband, please dump this whore. She cares nothing for you, and will still be banging strange when she’s 90. Disgusting.
I know I was reading along thinking maybe 20 year marriage, etc. and then BAM TWO YEARS!!!!!
Run Forrest Run!
I know, right? I’m jealous of this chump, in a way. He’s only lost two years and hasn’t bred with this person yet. He has plenty of time to start again. Keep on running, chump!
Right?! I have pasta in my pantry that’s older than that marriage… and this bitch is writing like they’ve been married for decades after being forced to wed at 14 years old.
I love that!! That’s funny! And true of many of us chumps….
#nailed_it Lulu LOLOL
Reminds me of the letter wrote after he cheated on me with the a Red headed whore.
It was completely about him ever single word. He ended it with ‘I hope this gives you insight’. Riiiiight! Insight is what I needed?!?!?!
Not an apology, kindness, respect when I asked him to leave me alone. Insight is what we all need. Narcissistic bastard. They never change. EVER!
Of course he married her (he honestly commented that she was his ‘last chance saloon’). Good luck to her. He’s desperate, narcissistic, cheat. What a catch.
I get offered “insight” on a pretty regular basis. When EX forgets to pick up the kids or otherwise does not follow through on some aspect of our custody agreement, he usually says, “Let me offer you some insight on what’s happening here . . . .”
“Insight,” it turns out, is his synonym for “long-winded, self-serving, unpersuasive excuse.”
It sounds like your EX, Confused123, is using the same dictionary!
Poor cat : (
TOTALLY, Jane!!!!!
Oh my goodness. This could have been written by my STBX. In fact I have a few similar letters. Mostly all about HIM with a few “I’ve devastated you”s thrown in for good measure. Laughed so hard at “I’ll blame the aspartame.”
Thank you so much. This blog has been a sanity saver in my divorce journey.
X used “I’ve devastated you” as well in a 7 page letter about his pain that sounded just like the above drivel. He loves the sad sausage channel.
If you don’t come back to me now I will resort to yodeling. HA! ?
Loved the UBT today…especially the Talk Heads reference, lol.
Is this letter legit or is it a writing exercise?
So, in a 2 year marriage she lost her way…cheated…but now understands and is ready to commit because she gets it. Huh?
Honestly, I am stuck on this line… ‘My revelation. I didn’t really love you before. I loved how you fit in with my life. “
It’s a good thing there is Chump Lady and the UBT, because I can totally see how a chump still smoking the hopium pipe would fall for that letter and go rushing back to the cheater. Without the translation, it is quite manipulative and gripping, so emotional and sentimental. I would have fallen for it in a heartbeat.
What I find harder to explain is how I fell for my ex’s play to resume the cake eating: A text message saying that he listened to an old mix tape I had made for him and was thinking about me, and then another text message saying he watched that Christian movie “Fireproof,” and didn’t want to be like the cheating doctor in the movie. That was all it took for me to go back for eight more months of “reconciliation” and abuse. There was nothing about love or realizing mistakes or wanting to be with me. Just that he felt it was his Christian duty to remain married to me. What the hell was I thinking?
Sometimes i think these fuckers are SO detached from the unfortunate reality of other human beings existing, that they are really (and in their own minds) just ACTORS playing out a role. Mine never really tried to get me back, just never stepped out of it being ALL.ABOUT.HIM even after he twisted the knife into me.
I’m right there with you. If I would have had CL when he gave me his lines I wouldn’t have let him come back for D day #2. But I have CL now, and I’m thankful for it every day. It lets me use reason when I could find no reason for what he did. CL & CN gives me laughter, sense, and peace of mind. Thank You!
Yes! I got lots of “I keep thinking about all the good times…” As well as epiphanies after him watching Fireproof. Then he started working through The Love Dare and when I realized that I was physically ill. It felt like the height of manipulation.
My faith and honoring God is a huge part of my life and it was a struggle to say no to “reconciliation” when he made such obvious outward overtures. The love bombing was intense. But with the help of this blog and Divorce Minister, a few close friends, an excellent pastor, and I truly believe God opening my eyes to truth, I saw through his tactics. It is SO easy to get drawn into that!
Funny, I watched “Fireproof” with my husband before finding out about everything–no reaction. I used to wish he would do the Love Dare, or even just stop neglecting me and our children. He did virtually nothing after D-day to win me back, somehow thinking that him being gone working and bringing home a paycheck was enough proof that he was a good guy. I was angry about that for a long time, and felt humiliated that he thought so little of me and our family that he wouldn’t try, and expected me to just forget it and forgive. Now it looks like I dodged a bullet. 20 years of spackling is enough. If he’d actually tried to do anything like that I’d still be on hopium, thinking that I had a stronger marriage after cheating than before, even while I had to play marriage police. It’s great when God helps you see the truth.
I got an email from my ex a couple weeks after Dday. He wrote that he only married me because he wanted someone to take care of him, to take care of the home and to take care of any children we might have. Then he added that in fact, I HAD done all of those things admirably, but he never felt any passion for me.
That line in today’s UBT reminded me of the email from my ex. One of the few times he was actually honest. He only married me to use me and because I provided the front for the life he wanted to portray. Just like the cheating wife in today’s post.
Glad, I heard the passion excuse over and over. Narcs live to relive the infatuation stage. He was stuck there and still seeks it out.
My X’s byline for his Ashley Madison account was “in pursuit of passion and excitement.” Oh, and he shaved 9 years off his profile. lololol
This letter really depressed me for some reason. How desperately ugly it is. I know what it’s like to be used for 35 yrs….as a Beard..and I’m not sure her husband wasn’t a ‘front’ for many things she’d done wrong. Yeah – 2 years married. Run Gump RUN!
She was a ‘child’ when she married him and 2 yrs later she is an ‘alcoholic’? She must 19 now.
THIS. My disordered STBX and very ‘underdeveloped’ ex-boyfriend couldn’t cope after the infatuation wore off (anywhere from one day to one year). They had to go get Strange.
Yeah, that line did it for me, too. That’s probably the most honest statement in that whole dung heap of a letter, and I hope the chump realizes it and never gives her the time of day again.
Well I didn’t get a letter just a comment that he could never come back because I didn’t trust him anymore and he couldn’t live like that. He had to be trusted.
Good greif. You are the bad guy cause you wont trust him. What an Ass.
And mine was told “I don’t trust you, and don’t know how you fix that”, and I got “I’ll wait for you”. Umm, don’t bother. The UBT nails it every time!
My X said something similar-“I know you’ll never forgive me.” Then, whenever I would want to talk about how I was feeling, trying to process it all, he would immediately say, “See, I told you that you would never forgive me.” Hell, he never gave me that chance! I was supposed to move on, forget that it ever happened and never mention it again. There was no way I could do that and he knew it, but he certainly wasn’t willing to even allow me to grieve. His post-affair conduct was as telling as his cheating on me.
Me, too. “You’ll never forgive me,” and a note the day I filed for divorce tried to lure my back by claiming that (2 months post D-day) if I just thought about happy events from the past instead, we could move on. Nope; best $313 I ever spent.
Yep. Back during wreckonciliation, I would bring up my feelings, my hurt, things about his behavior I was trying to understand, and he’d give me the pseudo-validation of, “I know this is hard for you” and immediately hijack the conversation to how bad HE felt for all those years, how I wasn’t meeting his needs, how that drove him to EAs (which is all he’ll admit to) … and “fantasy” Craigslist sex ads and a “fantasy” hooker and daily porn. How come I was never there for HIM? Would I ever be able to meet HIS needs?
In hindsight, I’m not sure whether to laugh or scream about these conversations.
+1
I got the “I know you will never forgive me” line from my Xh. Yep, it was hard to forgive when he was still fucking the married howorker!!
I love it. Not that their not trustworthy, but to blame you for not trusting them.
Yeah, my cheaters reason for wanting a divorce is because and I quote, “I want to be with someone who trusts me 100%. And you can’t give me what I want. Trust.” This is a man, no, child who saw women behind my back (not sure if any of them were physical, but he’s such a liar that I’m sure there have been a few over the years) even before we got married. Wrote “love letters” to me and another girl at the same time (I was a total chump for believing him when I asked about the other girl.) Got caught going out for drinks with a newly divorced slut/whore, who is girlfriend/home wrecker. But it’s MY PROBLEM for not trusting him! What a whack job! Leave a cheater, gain a life! His slut can have him! She deserves the cheater and he deserves her. He didn’t ever deserve me.
I think what he said is very revealing about many cheaters. He cheats, he betrays you, he lies. But he says he wants TRUST. That looks like a contradiction. But—no. He wants to lie, betray, and cheat AND he wants you to trust him. Because CAKE. So when they whine about trust, what they rely want is you to blindfold yourself, get the Men in Black to use the flashy memory wiping thingy on you, and stay on the hopium pipe. They want to cheat and they want their partners to trust them at the same time.
Its a bit fucking rich to cry foul about you not trusting him, yet hes allowed to do the most heinous of acts that destroys trust.
The entitlement of this one boggles the mind.
It’s always, “The problem is not what I did, but your reaction to it.” with these cheaters.
Yup. With me the problem is that I sent “debasing” texts to her after she fucked me over. My texts were so cold and emotionally disturbing… How could I have ever done that?
Yes, apparently that is the problem with me too. Mine flipped to the pity channel yesterday after the charm channel didn’t pan out. He now claims he has a medical issue :
Him: “I think something is really wrong with my head”
Me: “what are your symptoms? Other than the poor choices.”
Him: “You keep taking jabs at me…every day it you who does it, its never me. You dont care..”
I know, I know, it is cake for him, but I couldn’t help it. I am feeling strong today and told him a) cheating and lying are not traits I want in a husband or a friend; b) if he doesn’t want to hear that his behavior sucks and his choices suck, then stop contacting me (can’t wait until I can go no contact):; and c) he should look for sympathy from his 20 year younger girlfriend he is shacking up with and has been for the last 8 months (and screwing for at least the past year). We’ve now been “married” 15 months. To this day, he denies he is with her. Hilarious, but another story for another time.
Pity channel may not be working, I see rage in my future…..or faking a serious illness. I truly hope there is nothing wrong with him (first, I still occasionally smoke hopium, second, we are still married and this would throw a wrench into things, and third, I just can’t wish that on anyone, even after the “whore-r” he put me through.).
UBT: it’s all your fault that you won’t finance my life with baby cakes. I want you to just wuv me and be my backup plan and give me all the benefits of being married to you, without having to give anything other than a random “how are you” text.
He is a serial, lifetime cheat so he has a very solid game. SMH.
oaktree, “debasing,” really, what is WRONG with these people? No, the CHEATER debased YOU. Why is that so hard for them to understand???? My Cheater said I was engaging in “character assassination” when I started telling our friends and family that he had cheated on me, because, um, he cheated on me. He preferred to tell everyone, “Muse and I decided to go our separate ways.” No, buster, I didn’t DECIDE that until I caught you cheating and kicked you out. Then Cheater said my 23 year old son was “bullying” the Cheater because he sent him ONE SINGLE TEXT after having the Cheater as his pseudo step parent for 16 years, the young man expressed his disapproval with what Cheater did to his mom (me) and Cheater complained, “oh no! this 23 year old is bullying me!!! (a 53 year old man at the time).
This kind of behavior just sickens me–when abusive people co-opt the language of pain and use it to cause pain and manipulate.
He’s acting like a bully but accusing your son of being the bully. Thinking about this reminded me of an event from early in my marriage when I got into an argument with my then new husband because he described himself as having been “raped” when a boss made a decision he didn’t like. I should have seen the red flag then. He always portrayed himself as the victim, usually in ways that belittled the experience of people who truly had been traumatized.
Exactly!
Cheaters HATE grey rock; too far removed from their preferred “worship me” treatment.
You won’t trust me!
And you aren’t trustworthy. So I guess we really are at an impasse.
Teh Logix are hard to ‘splain!
Polly, the only thing you can trust with a cheater is that they have no problem f*cking you over.
The only thing we CAN trust with a cheater is they CAN’T be trusted, eh?
Awesome UBT output. Unfortunately I can’t relate. Mine did the abandonment thing as soon as she could. After 30 years together and 4 months selling the house, she up and left for her AP and I know nothing since. Some times I wish for a letter like this, if only to know she wasn’t just a fembot that I wasted 30 years with.
After our divorce was final, I got an “apology” of “I’m sorry”. I asked if he was sorry we were divorced or what was he sorry for. Here I’m thinking, finally this is it! A heartfelt sorry for cheating throughout our 27 yrs of marriage and a sorry he has devastated our daughters. Nope! His response: I don’t know. So, yes that comment chalked up to trust that he sucks.
Marked (and everyone else)–I do understand how an “I’m sorry” would help with the grief, because we are used to taking people at their word, and assuming they mean what they say. But the disordered don’t. My X issued the standard apologies and charm and invoking-old-memories when he was trying to reconcile. A year later, he finds out I STILL don’t want to be friends with him, and retracted every apology. Not getting the apology may help chumps get to “they suck” faster.
When my ex was moving her stuff out I told her that she acted as if she wasn’t affected at all, that she didn’t care. She said ,”would it help if I told you I’ve been up late the last few nights crying and feeling guilty?” At the time, that did make me feel better. It wasn’t until much later I realized that she didn’t say she had been; she simply wanted to know if telling me that would help.
which way, you are making progress. You are actually hearing what she is saying and taking it in, instead of being taken in by it.
Thanks, DeeL. Recent forays into dating haven’t gone well. Looking through profiles on dating sites seems to reinforce that I’m an oddball who was lucky for whatever the ex was willing to give me. I’m thinking about her a lot, missing her, and blaming myself for driving her away. I have this fantasy that my new anti-depressant would have made me healthy enough to still love.
I guess I thought I be better than this so far out, but the rejection still stings like hell. I’m still scared to death and overwhelmed by the overhaul of everything about me.
Embrace your oddball self … The so called normal folks tend to be the fake manipulative ones we all have suffered from knowing. Take your time and appreciate your true uniqueness. Once you love yourself, your confidence and esteem will make you very attractive to others. And we love you here already.
I was a single non dating oddball for 3 years after my breakup with my previous partner before meeting and falling in love with my current cheater. In hindsight I remember how much my cheaper questioned my choice to be single and independent while I was settling into my new life, how abnormal the choice of not having sex with men I did not love seemed to him. All through our relationship my cheater has tried to make me feel abnormal about myself. Now I see this was all about undermining my principles and my confidence. Definitely take time for yourself without dating and focus on getting your own strength. And don’t let anyone talk you out of it. If they do, they don’t want you to be strong.
+1 Me and you both.
(Response to RSW, but theres no reply button)
You are a beautiful person and don’t let any dipshit arsehole tell you otherwise.
Some people are just not fit to walk this Earth because they treat others like absolute garbage. Your ex-boyfriend was one of those people. I wouldn’t say he is disordered, but he sure as hell has narcissistic traits – of which you’ve dodged another bullet to not be enmeshed with that shit.
He sounds to me like he’s a fucking mysogynistic pig. Let him wallow in trash – because thats what he is – trash. No self-respecting person will pull that dramatic bullshit – and will love you for you, even despite the difficulties. Any man (or woman) who gives two shits about someone they supposedly care about – will support their friend/partner through the hard times as well as the good. If they can’t even do that – they are scum.
@LolaGranola,
Thank you for your support. I have seen some therapists and tried other healthy ways to recover, but I am still struggling to overcome the breakup. Based on ex-boyfriend’s statements in person and over the phone in arranging the exchange of our things (e.g., ‘I won’t be home between Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon, but you can drop my stuff on my doorstep if you come over during that time.’), I am almost 100% certain that ex-boyfriend started sleeping with another woman almost as soon as my car pulled out of his driveway on the day he dumped me. The way he treated me (hostilely and not honestly) when he broke up with me and the speed with which he moved on kill me, almost literally.
I REALLY get this feeling, WWDSG! At first I blamed myself for driving my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) away by expressing my grief (crying on his shoulder) over various tragedies and crises in my family. I may have cried too much on his shoulder. It would have been nice, though, if he had told me that my grieving behavior was too much for him–before many months had passed. (You know–expressing needs and wants, something I had hoped that someone in his mid-forties with an advanced degree who had known me forever could and would do.) Maybe, although I doubt it, given his attitude toward our relationship, which was Friends With Benefits, we could have saved the relationship. I think that he was experiencing He’s Just Not That Into You for the whole relationship but decided not to clearly communicate that idea before we (really I) got seriously involved (invested). I miss him terribly (have eaten very little for six weeks and now light-headed) even though he wasn’t great to me in some fundamental ways.
RockStarWife, please please get some help. Why is this guy still occupying so much of your mental real estate? What happened to RSW? Where is she?
Please go to a good counsellor or therapist, and then go and have a burger for me. Or pancakes if you prefer. Bacon optional.
And please – listen to me when I say that the thing with this guy who let you down: Nothing you said, or did, or didn’t do, would have changed things at all.
The ONLY thing you did wrong was rush back into dating too soon. The rest of it was down to his less-than-awesome character. NOT YOUR BEHAVIOUR.
Your picker is broken. The only way to fix a broken picker is to STOP DATING and indeed STOP LOOKING, indefinitely. OK, that is scary for some of us, but with a counsellor to support you, it rapidly becomes less scary.
WE LOVE YOU.
Whichway, the rejection and prior erosion of your self-esteem hurt. The cheating x made sure of it, it kept you in line. With that being said, if you are going to overhaul yourself, then do it for you. If you are doing the overhaul for the end game of getting into another relationship, I would advise you to not go there yet. This new “freedom”, unwanted as it was, is a good thing for you. This is time for you to work on your issues, to work on getting to a point in your depression that you can function as best as you can with it. This is a time for you to finally be good to yourself. You are not too far out from this, if I recall. You will get better and better, very slowly, but you will. Being an oddball is not a bad thing among dating sites that I have seen, if your core values and personality are morally good. There is a saying in Spanish, that I will try to translate, cause it’s funny but true. Para cada roto aye un descojido, (spelling may be a little funky). For every torn (broken or ripped) piece of cloth, there is a corresponding un-sewed (unseen, oddball) piece of cloth, willing to try to make a whole piece with you. You are young, you will find someone. Just be good to yourself.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an ‘oddball’ WWDSG ! Screw the status quo – and besides, when you think about it – noone is ‘100% normal’ anyway.
Any changes you’re wanting to make, do it to make yourself feel comfy in your own skin – not to appease others. If someone can’t accept you exactly how they are, they simply aren’t worth being with.
Never sink to the lowest common denominator, as that is just a mask which will fall off eventually anyway.
Hmm, maybe I’m onto something there – cheaters do that all the time…
I totally get this overwhelmed feeling as well. I’m coming up to 3 year anniversary of XH bolting for his whore. I too wish I was further down the road, though last year I helped a friend going through adultery and realized how far I’ve come. I don’t think it happens at the pace we’d like, but I think we eventually get to a much better place.
I only had 5.5 years in, but I’m with you. Except that I’ve received one email and one letter, neither of which contained anything emotional. They were practical concerns with a cheap “hope you’re doing well” at the end. Yeah, I’m sure she did.
I was 2 months short of 17 years married (18 years together). Never got a sorry. Left me to be “single”. Went straight to OW. Brought the whore home to meet my newly exed in-laws 3 weeks following our 2 month divorce and engaged it within a year. I too would have loved to receive a letter like this. The warm fuzzy “I mean something to him!” validation the abandoned seek. The UBT really does shed light on the fact that the “sorry” bit is more often than not horse shit. Sure, they care about pain – the type that comes with loss of cake, but the betrayed spouses pain? Not so much. Glad I didn’t have to go through this type of mind fuckery.
Hi Marked – welcome to the abandoned here. Raising hand. X didn’t want any kind of reconciliation, no looking back and I did make it very miserable for him. They say we are the lucky ones, and in a lot of ways I agree that we weren’t love-bombed to come back to them. X told me (after 35 yrs) that he 1) didn’t love me, 2) never did love me, and 3) was never sexually attracted to me.
First *I* ever knew any of that. It was one of those marriages that everybody thought was the best and he treated me so well. At 59 yrs old, he was ready to shave his head, buy a fancy new sports-car, and go off into the sunset with the woman he loved (3 yr affair – my bff at the time). Too bad it didn’t work for him that way. Another story, but he does now live in a trailer in a trailer park , and gave up me and a huge life we built, including too-big-house.
I always wanted him to say, he wanted me back, but he never did.
That’s our bane and I guess, we should be thankful for it?
Me too guys. I know the whole, “It’s better not to hear” rationale but it’s so so painful.
+35
It’s amazing that they are the cause of all of their troubles, yet when the shit hits the fan, they blame you. My Ex has been dragging out our divorce, it has been almost 2 years since I filed, he continued his affair with his whore all of this time and he had the nerve to text me recently ” If you had only humbled yourself we could have worked things out”. HUH? You mean the fact that his dick was currently inside someone else wasn’t the problem?
He never stopped cheating and now does it openly in front of his family and children. To reply to that, I kicked him out, changed the locks and filed.
I think you humbled yourself when you married him.
So sad when you don’t bow and scrape.
I stopped reading halfway through. I love you, CL, but this woman skewers herself with no commentary needed.
On that last note about “train wreck,” my ex said something similar to both me, and to her AP (which I saw during my pathetic spying period).
She said she was “sorry for getting you caught in the tornado that surrounds me.”
It’s such a pompous, self-aggrandizement, beautiful-loser perspective of herself that I shut her down as soon as she wrote it. There’s nothing romantic about being an emotional mess, and it gives you no excuse to cheat it otherwise treat people like shit.
Not just self-aggrandizing and “beautiful loser”ish (love that!), but a tornado is a natural disaster. Nope, no agency here. No bad choices, no accountability. Just a force of nature that swept her away and devastated everyone else.
Also, I think my son and I remain the only people to whom she hasn’t apologized. Not that her apology would cary any weight, and I’d probably lose my shit about it, but you and I would have a GRAND time UBT-ing it!
She said she was “sorry for getting you caught in the tornado that surrounds me.”
That reminds me of my ex telling me that he needed “a woman willing to ride the roller coaster of his life with him, even if it crashed and burned.” Thank God I got off that ride, even though I stayed on far longer than I should have. His coaster definitely left the tracks long ago.
Gag. I bet that tornado is a fun ride 2 years later! “Save me!>I won’t let you save me!>Why didn’t you save me?!>[sob]”
JC, love the “beautiful loser” reference. It’s like they’re the star of their own drama series…..lost in their own turmoil…..and thinking that everyone else really cares, understands and feels bad for them.
Except this shit isn’t taking place on a TV show. It’s out in the real world. With real victims, real consequences, and real pain. They don’t seem to get that.
But… But… Their affairs really ARE real!! There are facebook fuckbuddy cheater clubs, reddit fuckbuddy cheater clubs, pintrest fuckbuddy cheater clubs, google fuckbuddy cheater clubs, asshole madison fuckbuddy cheater clubs, words with friends fuckbuddy cheater clubs … uh …
Well okay, the love they have for their fuckbuddies may not be “real” real. But at the time it sure FELT real inside their pointy-wittle heads. And now that their chumps are enforcing boundaries and consequences they are beginning to REALLY feel real.
Boy does it suck being held to adult expectations.
I hope you got as far as the Diet Coke reference… LOL
JC – Love the “beautiful-loser perspective.” That’s so true with all these fake cheater apologies. They try to make themselves seem beautiful and tragic and larger-than-life in their self-pity when they’re just pathetic assholes.
I’m glad my ex never wrote me a letter like this. I think I might have been silly enough to have believed him without CL’s use of the UBT. Now? No way.
Mine was one of those cold lizard types who moved on to a vulnerable single mom where he could look like an amazing unicorn. He’s not, he’s ruthless, cold-hearted and narcissistic through and through.
I love this UBT CL. Cheaters show remorse when they get caught, otherwise it’s all good. No thanks. Bye.
“If you piss off a cat, they shit in your slippers. It’s going to be a long, hard road.’
Hahahahahaha. The sickest burns are the truest. This is even better than the reaction I got at a barbeque describing Pitbull’s dancing as “like an empty cardboard box blowing across a parking lot.”
Did you hear we have new unicorns now? They’re as handsome and as magical as my ex!
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/mar/29/siberian-unicorn-extinct-humans-fossil-kazakhstan
Is your ex an 8,000-lb mastodon?
Yes! Who eats entire plates of bacon at a table like a real boy!
excellent exchange
one would think I would refrain from drinking a glass of water near my computer while reading CL by now, sadly no
God Save My Keybord!
Sorry to hear about the water. Get a little movable stand (like a t.v.tray thingie) for your computer on your chair so your water is nowhere near it. I say this after losing 3 macs in that many years. Living and learning. But, yanno – my nerves were a mess back then.
I was starting to think they were married for like 20 years or something, with all the “we were babies” crap, but I lost it when it had only been 2 years since their wedding. The time-space continuum in Cheaterville is like trying to make sense in Wonderland.
And, OMG, lost it at #fuckyoudietcoke. Hilarious.
Wow, what a letter: everything but the kitchen sink for an excuse/explanation.
I never got anything close to this from my ex, though I did get the “you see everything in black and white”
I got the “you see everything in black and white” comment too in the Divorce Letter. Man, these cheaters are all the same!
I got that too. And I am proud of it,. There’s zero grey zone when you are in a committed relationship. Just like you can’t be a little bit pregnant.
LOL. I was married 20 plus years and barely got an “I’m sorry out of her”.
Honestly, after reading letters put through the UBT – I don’t want any letters from her.
Agreed! I used to fantasize that I would get a “forgive me, etc” talk in the future, but it will never happen. Ex tries to talk to our eldest (whom is NC with him) and in his messages he still tries to justify his behavior. He will never get it.
x “tries” to have a relationship with my young adult children, but he just never gets passed the “poor me” conversations with them and just doesn’t understand why the kids don’t want to talk to him. Could it be that he won’t show any interest in them or talk about anything other than himself and how “this” has become something that hurts him. Hmmmmm,”this” only hurt him???? Interesting!!!! They are your kids, asshole, they have feelings too!!!
PEDESTAL. What’s with these cheaters and pedestals ? I still remember to this day the letter that my cheating boyfriend of my twenties wrote to me. He said that what he did to me forced him to step down from his pedestal. I did not know that he had been standing on a pedestal all along, in his mind. Interesting.
Yes, narc ex wrote a letter saying he hadn’t changed, but that id put him on a pedestal all these years. Really?
Narcissists always stand on a pedestal…
My ex-boyfriend told me that I boosted his ego (after his failed marriage). I used to be flattered. Now I think that he was just keeping me around for emotional and sexual kibble supply–until a more sparkly provider of kibble came along.
And they buy their pedestals in bulk so that there is one for each of their awesome traits.
Word.
Excellent UBT once again CL!!!
It’s amazing how these delusional cheaters think. She probably believes she wrote a masterpiece letter worthy of a Pulitzer Prize.
How about a yearly CL Cheater Prize for the dumbest cheater letter. I think a Turd Cake Trophy on a pedestal and toilett flushing sound effect would be a great Trophy for the “Winner”.
A trophy of a toilet. With a turd in it. Which has a button on the top which when you press it, it makes a flushing sound – but the turd still remains there. Much like the cheaters which (try to) steamroller our boundaries with various forms of manipulation.
After I discovered all the private messages between him and the hookers, the only thing I got in response was “it was a phase”. Yeah, my kids went through phases too when they were little, but it involved Fruity Pebbles.
My ex described his staggering amount of sex with other men as “a phase” as well. Never mind that this “phase” started in his teen years before he ever even met me, and continued throughout the rest of his life. It’s just a really long phase, I guess. Or perhaps he doesn’t quite understand the meaning of “phase.”
How interesting, the first thing out of my ex’s mouth when I asked him what was wrong was “I’ve been going through a phase.” I didn’t know these phases were so common with cheaters!
Yea, I got “I had a bad moment”…turns out it was most of 26 years. fucker.
Yep, his was 14 yrs. At 62 and having to take little blue pills to get it up for 20 yr old hookers, looks like that phase may soon be coming to an end buttercup. Tick tock
Love the smart and snarky UBT & will be laughing all day!
Getting UBT lessons helps me parse and read out emails from my XH. Now I can see the false remorse so clearly. Thanks, CL!
The “Then I lost my way. I made mistakes.” and ” I will wait for as long as it takes” Heard both.
I will wait for as long as it takes… ha ha.. all the while he is dating a new girl 25 years younger and taking her on exotic trips to Thailand! Boy, that is some wait.
Made mistakes… Ah…. my many typos on these posts are mistakes. He made choices. One of the APs for one year. Choose once, again, three times, four, five, six, seven, eight…. two hundred,….. two hundred and 99…. still counting. Mistake(s) my ass.
What you hear here in this letter is a Narc with an injured ego and there is a lot of SELF speak. So…. wasted a piece a paper for sure writing it.
The wedding really opened her eyes. The ceremony was a refresher course on her vows.
She never once asked how he was doing and listed all the excuses for her behavior.
They really are all the same aren’t they? Mine said “It took this to make me realize how much I love my life with you”. Emphasis on me as a utility for enriching her life.
They all are…. I have heard much the same…. took cheap sex with a 20 year old to realize how much she loves me! But I should not do the same?
Well goodness No DavidB, that would be cheating. Not twu luv, or making you feel good about yourself, or my personal favorite, I deserve to be happy!!!!
Funny, how we all want (maybe need) the cheater to show remorse and see their “mistakes” but when they do it (if they do) it really is somehow more insulting in the end.
Can’t just one cheater say, “I’m an asshole. I did it because I’m a selfish asshole. I wasn’t thinking of you or my children because, well, I’m an asshole. I would have continued to be an asshole if you hadn’t caught me. You are divorcing me because, well, you’re not an asshole, and since I’m an asshole and two different species should not mate I’m going to go find more assholes to fuck. Goodbye. Oh, and I’m an asshole.”
Mine did with a twist: When I threw him out of the house based on an affair from 8 years prior, he claimed “I was an asshole back then, but I’m not an asshole now.” He was half right.
You’re so funny and so very right.
It is more insulting at the end, because you see how they were never remorseful at all. They were just “throwing stuff out there and see how much of it sticks”. They are feeling the loss of cake, not wanting to make you feel any better or for the cheater to take on their doings and truly apologize.
And they inadvertently put all the focus on themselves. It always turns out that you are a utility for their happiness. It’s always all about them.
So true Michael!!!!
“How grateful I am that I got an awakening before something irreversible happened.”
Ummmm….. didn’t that ALREADY happen? I mean you can’t un-fuck that guy can you?
And this lyric from Once in a Lifetime should not be left out:
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE?”
Well done, CL!
This was the best part of the UBT. Now I can’t get the song out of my mind. Same as it ever was…..same as it ever was….same as it ever was…..
The cheating wife letter could have been written by the cheater I knew. Yeesh.
ha, ha, ha, ha
I love Talking Heads. Never really stopped to listen to the words. That’s awesome!
2 things cheaterface said that were true:
“I didn’t see you as a person in your own right. ”
“You create your own whirlpool of resentment to your spouse and self pity for yourself that you justify your abhorrent behaviour.”
Im certain that Major Cheaterpants really never saw me as a person…I liken myself to a toilet…you NEED a toilet but you dont really appreciate your toilet. You dont think about your toilet or consider it, however if it seemed you might lose your toilet, you might become fretful.
Well, whew, later in the BS letter, she assures us that she learned to love and respect herself…what a relief, I was scared that she might get the sads or something.
““I didn’t see you as a person in your own right. ”
Im certain that Major Cheaterpants really never saw me as a person…I liken myself to a toilet…you NEED a toilet but you dont really appreciate your toilet. You dont think about your toilet or consider it, however if it seemed you might lose your toilet, you might become fretful.
Well, whew, later in the BS letter, she assures us that she learned to love and respect herself…what a relief, I was scared that she might get the sads or something.”
Now when I think back on what the x told me, I think to myself, what freaking scary shit they say. I don’t see you as a person in YOUR own right!!! x told me something to that effect. It was the “aha” moment for me, when he didn’t “see” me as a person! Scary, because I’m standing right in front of you motherf*er, I am a person and I sure as hell don’t need you to tell me that I am a person. But that is what they do to you, you become an appliance, just like any other appliance or toilet, lol, that is in the house they live in.
I, too, was scared that she might have the sadz!!!!! Aren’t we all glad that she has let it all go and wrote this to her poor chump. Now he can understand her internal turmoil, her feelings that are so heart wrenching with no thought for her x, her innermost thoughts. And she has the sadz, someone out there should be feeling bad about her sadz, chump.
This may be my favorite UBT post yet! I laughed all the way through. Probably because it was SO close in tone from a letter I got just before moving out on my cheating husband.
I can laugh now because my divorce is final, I’ve gone no contact and am 95% to Meh now. It does help that I have a darling new Man in my life who makes me smile every day. Oh and I should mention I am over 50 and was married almost 30 years so if anyone reading this is afraid to move on because they think they are too old, I’m living proof it can be done and you should not waste ONE MORE MINUTE. I am happy at a level I did not think possible a year ago.
Chump lady, I don’t know if I could have found the strength to move forward this quickly without you. I am grateful every day for finding this column when I needed it. Thank you from the bottom of my no-longer-Chumpy heart, and please keep doing what you are doing. You’re a Godsend.
Congrats, UnknowComic! I’ll be 50 in a month and I felt like my life was over, but I now realize I can have a new beginning, possibly with another man if I decide to date again. We’ll see what happens. 🙂
So good to hear you’re happy, UnknownComic! Congrats.
Thanks for the pep talk. I need it sometimes. Although I am not at all ready to date (9 months from d day), I will be 50 this year and was married for 27 years. It’s awesome that you found someone and give the rest of us home that there are truly good men (and women) out there.
I was married 26 years and 9 days when Major Cheaterpants died suddenly. I was an actual grieving widow (thinking I had reconciled) but I learned I had wreckonciled with a disordered serial cheater and my grief turned to anger. I started dating 6 months after he died and I married a wonderful man (Colonel Greatguy) 8 months ago – I was the oldest military bride I ever heard of at age 50.
As a special bonus, deadcheaterhusband HATED tall white Colonels, he said they always got all the breaks. Maybe his problem wasn’t being a short latin, it was being an asshole.
That’s awesome that you found someone. I am beginning to believe that there are no good guys out there. I know logically that most men are honest and caring, but my interactions with most people on a daily bases are felons, users, alcoholics, or the mentally ill (literally). I was curious about all the chump comments regarding Craig’s list so I went on it. Yikes! I think my eyes are still burning. I mean honestly you can’t unsee that shit. I do have hope because of all the great recoveries some have experienced in CL. It’s truly heartwarming.
At 50 and having recently been burnt by ex-boyfriend (after disordered STBX), I also wonder where the decent available middle-aged men are. I have a hard time comfortably going to sleep at night knowing that both my STBX and my ex-boyfriend get tons of attention from new partners (often noticeably younger than me). Too bad I’m allergic to cats and dogs! At least if I were I could curl up with something living, breathing, and affectionate.
RSW you should try a Maltese! I am deathly allergic to dogs and cats, yet I have absolutely no allergic reaction to my Maltese. She can even lick me and I don’t break out in hives. You should test one out. Mine has been a life saver. And she hasn’t cheated on me yet;)
You absolutely cannot go wrong with a really good Parrot.
You can teach him swear words. Or, fake out a burglar.
Most pol aren’t allergic to them – and some make great communicators…you tell them something and they will ‘parrot’ it back to you. Now, to me? That sounds pretty healing.
RSW, all I can say is what I said earlier:
Your Picker Is Broken. Stop Dating. Stop Looking. Work on healing.
Healing healing healing. Healing helps to ease the pain on every level, including the unshared bed. But you need professional help with this, as well as CL, especially if you aren’t eating.
I don’t want to sound so bossy, but I read all your posts and they really touch my heart.
hope, not home.
Aww. Congrats on the meh!
If only this letter was an April fools joke, and not 100% genuine imitation naugahyde. It’s like cheatings not enough; they have to rub your nose in it afterwards. In my experience, these people are disordered to the extreme AKA fucked.
^^^THIS^^^ “It’s like cheating isn’t enough, they have to rub your nose in it.”
Mr. Sparkles plays like he is sooo much happier and sooo much more fulfilled in his AP relationship. She has two young kids so they take my son and go on “family” outings… Easter Sunday church… ski trips.
But we have to remember, that’s just what is on the outside.
The reality is:
– He has a personal ad on AFF and is still sourcing hookers… despite this “I didn’t think I could feel this way again.” love with her… maybe he really meant “I didn’t think I could fool yet another woman into loving me while I abuse her!”
– His adult children consider him a “Man-Whore” (I didn’t even know that was a “thing”)
– He recently bounced his rent check (I was notified because I had to co-sign the lease to move his ass out a year ago and for some reason, they still send me notices when he does stupid shit even though I’m off the lease.)
– She has to ask my 18 year old stepdaughter if she should send Christmas cards to her ex-husband’s family (Yeah, she’s processed her divorce and is healthy enough for a new relationship!)
– She drinks a bottle of wine to “unwind” (get Betty on speed-dial)
Well… you can see where I’m going… the grass isn’t greener… the lies only get bigger.
And, thanks to CL and the UBT we can see through it.
ICanSee, “I didn’t think I could feel this way again.” love with her… maybe he really meant “I didn’t think I could fool yet another woman into loving me while I abuse her!”
x is doing exactly this, he has fooled another woman, not the one he left me for, into a relationship. She is being cheated on by the x with the woman that he left me for. Hmmmm, these cheaters never change. It’s always a game. The only thing is, is that the woman he is with now is the same as he is, envious, self-serving and all while being a “good” person.
Can’t this whole silly letter be summarized in one sentence? “The devil made me do it!” Of course without silly letters like that, we would not have the amazing UBT translation so good with bad, right?
Oh, yea. Got the “please let me come home. I will die out here without you” line
“Dont worry. If you die I will make a nice wreath for your funeral out of those condoms I found in your car. Youre welcome”
Love it! You can add the grubby work tank top with lipstick prints down the front (blech *shudder*) that was left in the car as a bow for the wreath.
@Yo–
a condom condolence……love it!
I think I’ll write my soon to be ex a letter today. It should go something like:
Dear husband, whose illusions of grandeur are the balm of my existence,
I am sorry I went back to school to get my degree. Those couple of nights a week I was late coming home were obviously too much and you were lonely. It’s all my fault that you spent endless hours when we could have been together texting her, making excuses for being late, leaving early, going out “with the boys,” and other things. You deserve some “me time” too because I wanted to educate myself at your expense. Well, not that you paid for the education since it was fully provided for by my job, but that doesn’t matter honey. I should never have questioned you or asked you if there was a problem in our marriage that we needed to talk about. I feel so very bad for you that you had to put up with my attempts at communications.
Had I really considered it, I’m surprised you didn’t cheat on me sooner. All those nights you didn’t come home because you were “out with the boys” and had too much to drink and had to spend the night on the couch, forgot my birthday, forgot Valentine’s day, dropped me off from a night out so you could go out again. You were such a tirelessly faithful and devoted husband. I’m ashamed I treated you so poorly.
I’m also sorry that I asked you to contribute to any part of running the household. Yes of course I understand how long and hard you work so that you must sit and watch tv all weekend long while I vacuum, sweep, wash clothes, clean the yard, take care of the pool, grocery shop, cook, and other contributions so that I am just worn out at the end of the day. Yes I work a full-time job also, but yours is way more stressful than chasing down criminals and putting them in jail. Remember that time I stopped a robbery and got punched square in the head several times before I put the handcuffs on the guy who outweighed me by 100 pounds? Oh, that’s right, you weren’t home to help me with my concussion. But you were so amazing for rewarding me with sex as soon as we went to bed at night. Foreplay is for losers.
So please come home. You may keep the other woman or why don’t you just move her into my house.
Your devoted chump wife,
P.S. April Fools dickhead!
Hahahahahahahaha!
Did I write this ? I don’t remember… It does look like I wrote it !
You must have. It can’t be for my stbex because he’d get stumped at all the big words.
Great letter, Anne!
Check this out, CN-
I just read on ABC online that a 60 y/o Florida woman recently discovered her husband’s cheating. She confronted him and informed him she wanted to injure, maim, kill him, etc. Oh, she also wanted to give him PTSD, which she has stated she has.
What she did was: as he was sitting in a chair she shot him in the knee and the bullet traveled up his thigh and logged in his testicle. She has been arrested.
I certainly don’t advocate this sort of thing but, ok then………
should we go bail her out?
“Should we go bail her out?” Hilarious AOK, roll on the ground hilarious….
I don’t do the Karma thing, but what are the odds that the bullet traveled up his thigh and logged in his testicle! How great is that!
CL, masterful job AGAIN! This greatly resembles my letter ~~ excuses in paragraphs, in bullets, in his ‘helpless whoa [sic] is me list’ (the latter was a list within a list of excuses/justifications/blame).
MoFaux went on to state, “If you choose it to be so that will be the factor that will define our time together, that I broke the trust, that I was too weak to tell you that I/we needed to talk. But, I often wondered what you expected from me? [not a question, MF!]
I asked what he would have thought if I had told him I was having an affair (note: he never told me, I found out and asked), and his reply was, ” I’d think to myself, I will always love this woman and want her to be happy and I would give you my blessing and hope that we could still be friends.”
Isn’t he just the greatest? I can’t believe my fortune to have had a partner who could be so gracious. And understanding. And enlightened in his immediate forgiveness in this fictitious scenario. No muss. No fuss. No struggle to cope. Easy peasy.
Later it was “my wish is that you soar with the eagles” and “you are a gift to humanity” and “hopefully you’ll continue to be my best friend.” Ahem, what is that you say?
Yep. MoFaux is amazing. I am the cause of “this whole situation” and I’m being so silly in response. What is my problem, CN? Why am I foolishly making a BIG deal about this LITTLE trust issue?
Virago & Lyn: Wow, your Xs are veritable saints. So magnanimous, so forward-looking, so….what am I looking for? full of shite. Once one acquires sufficient distance from them, they are amusing as a Laurel & Hardy movie.
So true, Tempest. Not speaking for Lyn here, obviously, but when I think of MoFaux now I get the image of a steaming fudge nugget. And his little cheating partner conjures up the sight of a clinging dingleberry.
The House of Shite. Or Shiten Abbey.
Virago, I had to laugh at the crazy fantasy language your ex was using: “I’d think to myself, I will always love this woman and want her to be happy and I would give you my blessing and hope that we could still be friends.”
The morning after my ex left, he sent a cheery “Good morning” email that said, “We aren’t leaving each other’s lives. We’ll still have many good times with our boys and their lovely ladies.”
Isn’t that the weirdest? I made me wonder if he was already eying my DIL’s too.
Lyn, definitely weird! Run DILs! I’m sorry for all this shit you’ve been thru.
Am kind of glad (I know ~~ THAT is weird) that I went thru it, because I just had no idea this shit was going on. It didn’t dawn on me that his only three friends were cheaters (two of them cheated on their partners to get together) and the third sent me a letter that stated he was certain that he was in love with me and that is why he treated me like a POS! (yes, this is all in the land-of-the-narcs with their unintelligible logic and reasoning!) And MoFaux continued to be friends with #3, even after reading that drivel. It is mind boggling to me now.
I could not figure out why I was never interested in the people he wanted to be around. Both vision and understanding have improved!!
Probably. I’m in trepidation when I think about how in just a few years, the ex will be fishing the same dating pool as the kids. They don’t know yet how disordered he is, but they’re going to learn.
Actually, he is getting evicted out of the house he’s living in and he told me that I need to tell the tenants that I have on the other floor to leave so he could move in. Get this….for the sake of the kids…..ahem, thanks to me the kids ALREADY have a roof over their heads. It’s your nasty behind that needs a place to live.Good luck with that, bro. I have exclusive rights to the marital home. Why don’t you crash at your very any friends you have been bad mouthing me to?
I had to lay my head on my desk for awhile because I was laughing so hard after reading this,
“Like ga-ga or bubba. Could mean bottle, could mean Binky, or mommy. Who understands baby talk? Huge words are too much for babies.”
Thanks for brightening my day!
I’m one of the chumps who got no apology, just heaps of blame. Like, “The problem is YOU,” and, “This is all YOUR fault.” I used to daydream that one day I’d be on my death bed and my ex would visit and say how sorry he was for practically destroying me…but I know that day will never come. Even if it did, a bunch of crazy nonsense would probably still be coming out of his mouth.
A good friend of mine actually had her ex show up on her doorstep a couple of years later. Although he married much younger OW, he wanted to tell his ex wife of 25 years that he was sorry. She thought it’d make her feel so much better to hear those words…but it didn’t. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she realized he was manipulating her to get something he wanted. Once the trust is gone, you can’t believe anything they say.
Replay your daydream that he’s laying on his death bed apologizing to you. Wait! You’re not there. No one is. 🙂
Completely in love with my slightly younger boyfriend/friend of decades, I sometimes envisioned my (now ex-) boyfriend holding my hand on my deathbed after many harmonious decades together. I might feel somewhat satisfied to learn that he was dying slowly alone, but, as someone who is considered a Nice Guy by many colleagues and friends, he will probably be surrounded by adoring colleagues and friends, and some nephews.
RSW:
Burger. Pancakes.
Hey, just a shake, if you only want liquids.
Please. We want you back, not the False Advertiser who broke your heart.
Its all about M e e e e e e e e. E e. E. E. E!!!
Lame, lame, lame. Her sentence sums it all up: “My revelation. I didn’t really love you before.”
And there it is. I never understood, how someone could make vows in front of God, to another person, get married and never love them. Those 2 years married to her husband should have made her love grow, make it deeper towards her husband and bond with him. But none of it happened!! And now she’s groveling to come back because her situation is really shitty, living with roommates and all. She’s only concerned with herself, not how she hurt her husband, married him without loving him, and doesn’t give a rats ass how her actions may have scarred him. And she chalks it all up to being immature. Rather, I think she may have a serious personality disorder. (I’m just guessing, but this isn’t normal).
She states her wedding vows meant nothing when she was saying them on her special day. So she was acting the entire time. I don’t believe a single word in her letter, as she doesn’t mean any of those statements. Her statement should all end with: For me there is no other + “until next time I cheat on you”. I would add “until next time I cheat on you” after every sentence. A fundamental element has always been missing in this interaction and that is love. If it’s never been there, chances are it may never be, because something is off with her mentally, with her judgment or personality. I can’t pinpoint it, but this isn’t normal behavior. Please tread very carefully.
Very well said, Kellia!
Tracy, I love you.
It still amazes me how my ex is incapable of claiming any accountability in her “apologies.” One would think that it would be easier to just suck it up for the three seconds it takes to write “I’m sorry for the horrible things I have done,” own up to it, and say “there – I’ve done it – I admit that it was my fault.” There. Done. Admitted. Simpler than three Hail Marys.
But no, it appears to be the hardest thing in the world to do. The best I’ve been given is “I’m sorry for everything that happened” and “I’m sorry things unfolded the way they did.” Not “I’m sorry for what I did,” but “I’m sorry that IT happened.” Right. Like cancer or being hit by a drunk driver “happens.” Am I so stupid to accept that this was some sort of “act of God?” Um, no. There was a certain person who consciously and willingly dragged me through an emotional, physical and financial hell. Any normal person with any conscience would regard this sort of behaviour as EVIL.
Would it not be easier for a cheater (who is inherently a lazy ass anyway) to just say “I’m sorry I fucked up” than to leave herself/himself open to further criticism and scrutiny and to “keep up appearances?” Does it not actually take work to do all that firefighting – trying to cover up the misdeeds? To me, it seems to be a waste of energy for someone who can’t be bothered to do anything else.
I laughed so hard at a text I received immediately before she changed her cellphone number (for reasons I’m also curious about) that basically said she didn’t like me telling her what “kind of person” she is (I basically pointed out that I was concerned about her male “friends” picking up/dropping off my youngest son (8 yrs. old) to/from hockey practice as I was aware of her activities and I didn’t want him to be in close proximity with men of such low moral standards – what is stopping them from molesting little kids?) She then threatened legal action if I implied anything negative about her as a person. Interesting. It doesn’t seem to bother her to have this double life (sleeping with the neighbourhood) hidden (or maybe not so hidden) from the kids. She just doesn’t like to anybody saying that she is a bad person for wrecking other people’s lives (in addition to mine).
Her parents, of course, claim that my marriage breakup MUST be partly my fault. Yeah, right, it was MY FAULT that I wasn’t supportive of her NEED to fuck other men. They are uber-religious (her dad is a former Anglican minister) and appear to be convinced that I am mentally ill for even suggesting the things I know about their baby daughter. Oh, if they only saw how far from Christian standards she has drifted! Not just a cheater, but a bona fide slut (who also now appears to be engaging with the BDSM community)! I was always amused (thoughout my 20 year marriage) at how uncomfortable they always got whenever the topic of sex came up in casual conversation about social morals (and they always seemed fixated about the immorality of “some people” who have multiple partners – even have orgies! Oh the horror!). Denial is such a powerful thing – if they only knew that their own daughter has far surpassed the level of depravity they shit their pants over!
When I was engaged in the “pick me” dance, and felt compelled to describe the activities my ex was into, I was desperately asking my ex’s parents for help in “reminding” my ex of the damage she was causing to me and my family, thinking that my ex’s religious convictions (that I later learned were just all for show) might somehow kick in and wake her up (what the hell was I thinking?) Of course, they did absolutely nothing. How quickly those convictions about upholding “God’s rules” vapourized. They commented on how I was irrationally catastrophizing about heading into financial ruin, how I had no reason to complain about my emotional or physical health from the stress (“Oh it couldn’t really be that bad could it? – you have to stop sounding like a victim. Have you looked at what you did to cause this breakup?). Of course, all you chumps know that it gets worse. Way worse. I told them how wrong they were about my “delusional” concerns about my future. Their reaction? I got a card in the mail saying something like “May God be with you, always.” No, they couldn’t admit that they underestimated the magnitude of damage I saw coming. And they refuse to admit that my ex did anything wrong. Of course, it eventually dawned on me that they mattered even less than my ex. Still, I’m apparently the “childish one” for refusing to remain “friends” with my ex. Oop – what’s this? Hallelujiah! The morality train is back! “One of the strongest messages in the Bible is to forgive. You are clearly not doing this. Can you really claim to be a Christian.” Well fuck Pops, I guess not.
Probably the worst thing about being a chump is realizing that everything you once thought was true about most people is DEAD WRONG. Your whole belief system is overturned. Hmmm…maybe that’s why a sincere apology never comes – narcissists like to see you squirm with lack of closure (although it still makes me wonder – it sure seems a lot easier to just fess up, so why do they put so much effort into crafting unapologetic apologies?).
You would think that your x FIL being an Anglican minister at some point in time would have remembered that there is such a thing as the 10 Commandments, but I guess when it’s your own kid f*ing up they become the 10 suggestions!!!!
cLifeupsidedown – Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for my experience with the cheating STBXW, minus the religious stuff. In my case, her mother told her “this is all sephage’s fault,” and “you turned out wonderfully.”
My definition of “wonderfully” doesn’t include $100K in secret debt, cheating, lying, etc.
They don’t offer a genuine apology because, well, they’re not actually sorry. They really do believe that it’s someone else’s (your) fault.
There is no ‘genuine’ with cheaters.
The apology, if offered, is totally worthless.
Anyone who got one ~~ my sympathies.
Anyone who did not ~~ you were spared.
Signed,
The Now Cynical Virago
Yah THIS.^^ Right there with you CLUD. Once you’ve caught them, once you’ve nailed them, once you’ve pegged them, the disordered can only put forth effort where the reward is to cause you pain and suffering. Unless of course, you give them more cake. Parents, siblings, counselors, it’s almost impossible to find anyone who can empathize with how bad it might be for you… unless they have gone through it themselves. Guess that’s why CN is so popular.
narcissists like to see you squirm with lack of closure
Of course they do. It’s one of the reasons No Contact is the path to the truth and the light.
Mine won’t let go. When I don’t respond to him he tries new ways to get me to talk to him including:
– telling the kid I’m an alcoholic
– telling people we know that I had a boyfriend before we were divorce (I had to ask people if he was kind?cute? successful? where does he live?)
– telling people we divorced because I cheated on him (Hector Projector much)
– telling people I was dragging my feet so that he couldn’t buy his own house (I was D-day to divorce in under 5 months-who could believe that?)
– most recently vandalizing my therapy partner’s car while it was outside my house
Still NC outside of emails about the kid’s schedule or expenses, even those are about once a month.
I was lucky, my ex only sent an eight sentence e-mail that started with, “I don’t think I’ve ever given you the apology you deserve…” and then followed with seven more sentences of “I’m sorry, but…” and “I’m ashamed, but…” At least it gave me clarity that she was, in fact, neither sorry nor ashamed. Ten years, three kids and eight sentences. Sounds about right…
Marlowe
I never received one letter or an apology. Nothing. My therapist said he would attemp to come back even years down the road. It will never happen as he expects me to be the one who can’t live without him. I hope he’s not holding his breath.
Donna, are you sure you hope he’s not holding his breath? Just a thought…,
Or as my mother used to say … “I would hate to be hanging by the neck”. I am not sure which would kill him faster !!
Marlowe713, I got possibly 10 sentences. I can’t remember how many actually because I deleted the email straight away. After 37years my ex husband said in his email – I have hurt you and it has divided our family. I love you, I always have and I always will love you and I cannot replace you, but … “us being together is not an option”. Were weren’t divorced when I received that email and I realised that he was not sorry or sad and as usual was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. He did want me to remain his friend and be one of his f/buddies. So, after 37 years of marriage and a so called friendship of 46 years and 2 kids, he is now shacked up with a 23 year old and 2 little boys who he is now raising at the age of 63 and doing everything for those 2 kids that he never did for ours. I have never received an apology and I don’t want one, not now and I know he would not know how to genuinely say sorry. It simply isn’t in him.
Maree…he actually invited you to be ONE of his…FUCKBUDDIES?! As if that were some kind of compensation? How deeply insulting…how gross! What makes him think you would even want to be in the same room with him ever again? These ppl are so full of themselves.
yo, yes he actually said he wanted me to be an f/buddy. He is delusional obviously. I can honestly say that I could not be in the same room as him ever again because I would vomit at the sight of him. He is a complete and utter disgrace and loser in my eyes.
“can honestly say that I could not be in the same room as him ever again ”
Now that cheaterhusband exists in Purgatory and no longer has the luxury of the various denial and avoidance methods that crazypeople use here on earth (disassociation was his fav), I have tried to imagine what he would say to me if I were teleported to visit him for 5 minutes …
but I cant complete the mental exercise because I cant imagine myself being in a room with him for 5 minutes
I read this post early this morning but didn’t have time to reply until now…..LOVE the UBT!
I learned with cheater to look for his actions, not his words, mainly because he SAID the right things but never DID what he said. In this letter, she wrote “I’ll wait” at least twice and that really stood out to me. She will ‘wait’ but she’s certainly not going to DO anything. Like there’s no action required on her part to make things right. Makes me want to scream! If I were to hurt someone I cared about, which of course would be inadvertent on my part given that I’m a people pleaser/chump, I would be DOING everything possible to make things right with that person.
RUN!
“I am listening to acoustic versions of sad songs.”
Is that supposed to be some sort of penance? “Because I what I have done, I will no longer invite any music that makes use of electricity into my life. That’s what I’m willing to give up to get you back.”
BWAH-HA-HA!!!! That really struck me as funny and ridiculous. What a dumbass thing to say.