UBT: Cheater Wants Her to Save Him from ‘Nightmare’

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Hi Chump Lady!

This morning I woke up to a text I’d like to feed to the UBT. Divorced about 1.5 years from FW. The background:

Cheater and I got married young and had a baby first year. After a truly hellish second year of living alternating between his raging moods, sulking moods, and cold distant moods, things got worse.

He started going on “work trips” with a female coworker. He tracked me using my phone and our car, claiming that he didn’t trust me and suspected I was cheating, he moved guns around our house and refused to say where they were.

I was very concerned for our then one-year old’s safety as he chose places like lower dresser drawers. He dodged me by leaving the house for hours at any time of the day or night, or physically locking himself into his office with the keypad he installed the day we moved in. He made good money, and I no control over our finances. Every month the money was gone, accounts overdrawn. He became angry and hostile if I so much as tried to pay a utility bill.

Around the time our daughter turned one, when I finally saw him for a minute and asked “What are you and I doing? Where is our marriage going?” He announced he wanted to separate because he was too stifled by me, my unending demands, and our marriage.

He packed one backpack and was gone two weeks later. He refused to disclose his location. When he showed up to take our one-year old daughter for a visit for a few days he still refused to tell me where she would be. I retained a lawyer that day and had him served a month later. I also did a covert move-out of our house because I and my family members feared for my safety and had reason to believe the house could be bugged. There was no money (he spent it), no assets (we rented), he had put the family car in his name only (after selling my vehicle to get a family car, he bought it secretly while I was out of town and failed to mention my name was not on the new car) so I had almost nothing. I moved in with family, it was a tense time and I was a skeletal 100 lbs by the time the divorce ended.

During our divorce the “coworker” was regularly at his place (I had to go pick up my daughter and ALWAYS had a third party accompany — he would badger about the proceedings if I was alone) and she was clearly horrified when I would casually greet her and make small talk.

By then I figured they were together — although FW never said a word about it. And I was still in the dark that they had been seeing each other through 2 years of a 2.5 year marriage.

About 8 months after our divorce finalized, he randomly admitted to me one evening that he had had an ongoing relationship with regular meets up with this girl since the beginning of Covid when she left her own fiancé (who she had two small children with). On my timeline that puts this relationship starting 6 months into my marriage, and I was in the first trimester.

In a separate conversation he tried to minimize his relationship with her by telling me that he was “sexually involved” with lots of people before her. Barf. And was I still legally his wife during these other sexual involvements?? I’ll never know. It’s a miracle I didn’t get an STD.

These two idiots broke up some time over the summer (again, no clear or honest timelines from cheater) and he made feeble attempts at flirting with me over text. Asking me to hang out, saying I looked so good, that kind of thing. Double barf.

I woke up this morning to this text.

“Woke up from an awful dream. Realizing that my path to healing stops making progress back in august of 2021. You can think I’m stupid and it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but I still don’t actually know what happened to us. I still don’t know why you wanted to divorce me. I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with. I recognize now that as soon as a fight starts with someone I love, I panic and flee from my emotions to go into “fix-it” mode in order to get the conflict to settle so that I can be emotionally safe again. I recgnise now that my “fix-it” mode only left you feeling unheard and alone. This sees to have created a spiral that led to our fights becoming more intense and our differences growing larger and larger underneath the surface. I also know that I worked a lot, something that I thought you respected and something that I thought you understood that I had a long servitude in order to create security and opportunity for us. But I imagine you felt like you were not important to me because I worked so much and with such dedication. I could go on and on about all the ways I’m not perfect, and how I failed as a husband, especially the husband I wanted to be for you. At the same time, again, call me stupid, being hit with divorce papers hit me out of nowhere. I thought we were in a rough patch but we were going to work our way through it. It’s ok that this is the reality that we are now in. I just want to actually know what happened. If someone was lying to me about you or if there was some grand misunderstanding that led to a giant issue. I just don’t know what happened. Part of me wants to know because I really gave my all, I set down patterns of my old self and sacrificed a lot of my own wants and needs in order to try to make us work-and I feel like, even if that wasn’t good enough to be loved, I think I won’t even ever try again. The other part of me that wants to know what happened, stems from the fact that even after all of this, deep down I still love you. I still want to be intimate wit no one other than you. I still admire you. I still find myself thinking about you. All. The. Time. Even in my dreams. I’m sure this text is a huge mistake, but it was just a dump of my true feelings first thing as I woke up from my nightmare, a nightmare that continues to visit me. I want it to go away, and so I ask that you help me understand what happened.”

Please let the UBT feast on word salad this mindfuck is. I’ve tried parenting software, it’s fine but I prefer the ease of texting. Perhaps it’s time to reconsider. Please help me remember that this — coparenting — will eventually end and I can be free of this guy for GOOD.

Thankfully,

Free

***

Dear Free,

Do NOT help him “understand what happened.” Holy Hoovering, Batman! He broke up with Schmoopie and he’s looking for new supply. Freaks like this never stay alone for long, so you’re probably not the only one he’s texted this woe-is-me saga to. Can ANYONE help the poor lost moppet make sense of his life? Buy him a vowel? Hit him with a clue bat? Something?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and this is a veritable feast of bullshit. So, without further ado, I’ll kick the Universal Bullshit Translator into gear.

Woke up from an awful dream.

I am an awful dream you woke up from. Come back!

Realizing that my path to healing stops making progress back in august of 2021.

You can trust an abuser who says “path to healing.” It’s like I read a therapy brochure or something.

You can think I’m stupid and it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but I still don’t actually know what happened to us.

I have no idea who this wandering dick belongs to.

#youStupid

I still don’t know why you wanted to divorce me.

What with the guns, financial abuse, and cheating, I’m the total package.

I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with. I recognize now that as soon as a fight starts with someone I love, I panic and flee from my emotions to go into “fix-it” mode in order to get the conflict to settle so that I can be emotionally safe again.

By “fix it” I mean “fuck a co-worker.”

I recgnise now that my “fix-it” mode only left you feeling unheard and alone.

I’ve known all along that fucking a co-worker made you feel unheard and alone. But let’s dress this up as you failing to understand my inchoate attempts to help. #MrFixIt #MrFuckIt

This sees to have created a spiral that led to our fights becoming more intense and our differences growing larger and larger underneath the surface.

I also know that I worked a lot, something that I thought you respected and something that I thought you understood that I had a long servitude in order to create security and opportunity for us. But I imagine you felt like you were not important to me because I worked so much and with such dedication.

I’m sorry you cannot properly appreciate my dedication. To myself.

I could go on and on about all the ways I’m not perfect, and how I failed as a husband, especially the husband I wanted to be for you.

But I’d rather devote more sentences to what a hard worker I am.

At the same time, again, call me stupid, being hit with divorce papers hit me out of nowhere. I thought we were in a rough patch but we were going to work our way through it.

A two-year affair within a 2.5 year marriage = rough patch. I am but a bewildered, timid forest creature and you are a raging rhinoceros of snap judgements and legal action. Hitting me!

It’s ok that this is the reality that we are now in. I just want to actually know what happened.

The UBT can explain it to you, Sir, but it cannot understand it for you.

If someone was lying to me about you or if there was some grand misunderstanding that led to a giant issue. I just don’t know what happened.

I have no idea how I fucked my co-worker for two years. Was I in a fugue state?

Part of me wants to know because I really gave my all, I set down patterns of my old self and sacrificed a lot of my own wants and needs in order to try to make us work-and I feel like, even if that wasn’t good enough to be loved, I think I won’t even ever try again.

Please send me a clue. A pantomimed hint. A passed note in Algebra class. A cipher. A decoder ring. An ace safe cracker. MI5. A gentle suggestion. A bold whack upside the head. Please find a cure for my cluelessness.

The other part of me that wants to know what happened, stems from the fact that even after all of this, deep down I still love you.

And maybe one day I’ll give you the combination to my keypad. #locked

I still want to be intimate wit no one other than you. I still admire you. I still find myself thinking about you. All. The. Time. Even in my dreams.

Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V

I’m sure this text is a huge mistake, but it was just a dump of my true feelings first thing as I woke up from my nightmare, a nightmare that continues to visit me.

I want it to go away, and so I ask that you help me understand what happened.”

I’m not a creepy abuser making unwelcome contact, I’m a befuddled kitten who had a bad dream. Won’t you kiss my boo-boo? And check under the bed for bogeymen, or any firearms I might’ve left there? Only you can help me understand what a consequence is. And make it go away.

***

Free, please stay free. NO CONTACT. And get that parenting software, stat.

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

78 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Shadow
Shadow
3 months ago

Gordon Bennett! Flippin’ ‘eck! Goodness, gracious me!
What the bloody hell was that all about? It’s a wonder the UBT didn’t explode!
Was he like this when you were living with him OP? Because I thought my FW’s word salad was a head-twister but this? Blimey! Oh please get that parenting software and swerve this head-wrecker forever!
God help his next victim, is all I can say!

susie lee
susie lee
3 months ago
Reply to  Shadow

Cheaters today are so creative. Back in the day there was no web site they could come up with this bull shit from RIC groups. Their main play was, chump was a psycho, or she was frigid. I doubt many folks believed the, but they turned their head and looked the other way.

Actually this text reads like some of the excuses I read from chumps on another forum, to defend their cheaters in order to stomach taking them back.

COL_D
COL_D
3 months ago
Reply to  susie lee

What is an RIC group?

susie lee
susie lee
3 months ago
Reply to  COL_D

Reconciliation Industrial Complex. CL I believe coined the term, you can read about it in several of her old articles.

Confused AF
Confused AF
3 months ago

Wow, that’s some unaware bullshit. It reminds me of my exfw, but at least he usually throws in some fake remorse and how he knows he fucked up, blah blah. But basically they’re all the same. It’s the self pity stage, poor me, I’m all alone, I have nightmares and I really don’t know why we couldn’t make it. Like on what planet do these freaks live? It continues to shock me. They lie, cheat, manipulate, devalue you for years and years and then shockingly – you want to divorce them. If you did like 1% of what they did to you, you’d be punished for everything and be proclaimed the worst human being ever. But they just can’t understand why you don’t want to be with them anymore. Just don’t respond. I tried to get into these conversations and explain things to him at many occassions, but nothing good ever comes from that. They just usually quickly shift to the rage stage or try to project all the shitty things they are onto you, when you face them with facts.

FYI_
FYI_
3 months ago
Reply to  Confused AF

I don’t think it’s that he is unaware or dense. Not at all.

He is manipulating (and not very well). He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s feigning ignorance in an attempt to confuse the LW. He knows he had affairs, he knows he was an abusive PoS. He just wants to exasperate and blame the LW, to get into her head and revive all the bullshit.

No FW has ever made a better case for low contact via parenting software. Agree that he is dangerous.

ChumpDchump
ChumpDchump
3 months ago
Reply to  Confused AF

“I tried to get into these conversations and explain things to him at many occasions…” It’s like explaining algebra to a potted plant.

My exFW is as dense as a whale omelet when it comes to what she did, but I did have to explain things to here once. There was a tense month or two where I had asked for a divorce, but Covid immediately hit and we were stuck living together while she went to find a new place. She would still leave our two little kids with me on five-minute’s notice and go out with “someone” and not return home until 4:00 a.m.

The conversation the next morning was me saying something to the effect of “You know, I understand that you only speak ‘relationship ethics’ as a second language and that I haven’t expressly asked you to knock this shit off while we are still living together, so here we go: ‘please knock this shit off while we are living together.'”

This was in reply to her saying something like “but I thought our marriage was over…”

I mean, it was, but the idea of showing me a little goddamned dignity for two months after 17 years together never occurred to her at all.

chump changed
chump changed
3 months ago
Reply to  ChumpDchump

Same! After I found out about the affair my ex and I immediately separated, during which time he said he was not speaking to or seeing his AP (total lie) and was “trying to get clarity” while (I kid you not) living at a zen monastery (that part was true, but he also managed to have sex with a random woman at said monastery. Very zen).

Anyway, long story short, once I eventually discovered that he hadn’t stopped his main affair I filed for the fastest divorce on record (less than 3 weeks from declaration to finalization). During that time I discovered about $15,000 that he’d lied about and spent on the latest affair (which I got back as “reparations” — his term). I also discovered that he’d booked another one of his $4000 weekend sex fests during the time frame in which we would still technically be married.

Prior to this time I didn’t know when he was seeing his AP; it was all hidden from me with gaslighting and manipulation. But now I knew, and knowing that he was flying to Florida and spending thousands wining and dining and fucking his mistress was more than my already very fragile psyche could handle. I begged him to please not see her while we were still technically married; to please wait until the divorce was finalized so that I could retain some dignity at the end of our 23 year long relationship. He refused. They’d been “really looking forward to it” after all. That I was devastated, alone, still disabled with a serious medical condition, and now having to know that they were fucking as I lay there sobbing with zero support networks was apparently of no concern.

Whenever I wonder if deep down he really was a good person, as he said, who really did love me, as he said… all I have to do is remember that after 23 years, he couldn’t even wait a week or two. He couldn’t even offer me that dignity. No good man does this.

COL_D
COL_D
3 months ago
Reply to  chump changed

Tell me how you found out he was spending this money? Im at that stage in my divorce and Im sure my FW wife was shacking up in hotels nearly nightly for a few hours, but she had a seperate account in her name.

Ginger_Superpowers
Ginger_Superpowers
3 months ago
Reply to  chump changed

I begged my husband to wait until our 18 year old son graduate from HS before he filed for divorce. Affair and my son’s 18 birthday was in April and he would graduate in June. He was such a coward he couldn’t tell me to my face he was going to file sooner, getting CPS involved for no reason. HoWorker/Wife told him he could get divorced in 60 days. He was so angry with me that it took longer to disolve a 25 year marriage.

FWs don’t care about the carnage they inflict.

ChumpDchump
ChumpDchump
3 months ago
Reply to  chump changed

I’m sorry, but I can’t help but laugh at the zen monastery part because, during our separation, my ex-dipshit wanted to borrow my tent so that she could go to a Buddhist retreat at an alpaca sanctuary 🤣🤣. She was all somber, saying that she needed some alone time to reflect and ponder. Later I saw on one of her social media accounts a picture of her sitting in front of the tent with a big smile on her face. She wasn’t alone, since someone had taken her picture, and she no longer looked somber. Needless to say I did not ask for my tent back.

Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago
Reply to  ChumpDchump

“My exFW is as dense as a whale omelet when it comes to what she did”
I think this is just a ruse they use to pretend they don’t understand because OF COURSE they do, they just say this shit to throw us off and create a wall of non-communication. It’s more gaslighting and hiding real info. It’s like people who pretend not to know your language when they do, they just use it to avoid things (I’ve seen this in social services).

ChumpDchump
ChumpDchump
3 months ago
Reply to  Mehitable

Oh for sure. She knows what is “right” and what is “wrong” on an intellectual level, but she completely lacks the psychological equipment to accept responsibility for her actions, to understand the impact of her actions on the feelings of others (or care), or to regard herself as a person who is capable of being anything less than stupendous by definition. It’s a disconnect that is impossible for non-disordered people to wrap their head around.

MotherChumperNinetyNine
MotherChumperNinetyNine
3 months ago
Reply to  ChumpDchump

Pure evil. I hope you used that behavior to get primary custody. I did.

One last time
One last time
3 months ago
Reply to  ChumpDchump

I can totally relate. D Day plus 1 my wife comes back home. I say something along the lines of “while we figure things out, promise me you will honor the marriage.” She told me the affair was over and that she would. Later I found that less than 12 hours later she texted him:

“Good morning AP (kiss emoji)”

“Do you know your plans yet?”

“If you don’t fly out today can we get a room later? One last time?”

He shot her down, said he wasn’t interested. Not sure if that makes me feel any better or not.
Anyway, that’s where my username comes from

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  One last time

I think it’s pretty rare for chumps to find out about the times FWs bat out and get shot down because most narcissists aren’t going to brag about the failures. But since all “playahs” tend to play the percentage game, we can assume frequent rejection is a typical hazard of being a FW. Which is sort of funny. I imagine all the resulting ego blows add to the juvenile tendency to hanker for “elusive” targets and increase the tendency to take for granted that which seems to come “too easily” (like spouses).

Another thought: what is it with FWs thinking hotels are “hot”? I’m not a hypochondriac but, to me, even top notch hotels in major metropolises are about vinyl wallpaper, worrisome chemical smells, insufficient shower pressure, uncomfortable pillows and bodily fluid-smeared bedspreads, ottomans and TV remotes. I also don’t get workplace cheating for medical professionals. If you need a jug of luminol to test surfaces for butt prints and organic detritus, do you really want to have sex on them?

MotherChumperNinetyNine
MotherChumperNinetyNine
3 months ago
Reply to  One last time

I’m so sorry… what a POS psychopath.

ChumpDchump
ChumpDchump
3 months ago
Reply to  One last time

Ugh, ew gross. I’m sorry. I’ve had moments just like that, and it makes you feel like you want to take a hot shower for three hours. Also, can I assume that she was more enraged that you “invaded her privacy” by looking at her texts? I love that one.

One last time
One last time
3 months ago
Reply to  ChumpDchump

Of course. And the affair was just a “lapse in judgement.”

almostbluegirl
almostbluegirl
3 months ago

All evidence to the contrary, this was not actually written by me. I made the chumpy mistake of long separation and not actually filing for divorce/consequences. Like you, my husband left me with nothing but debt, and ran up even more by dragging out a divorce settlement process until I could not longer afford a lawyer. I’ve been letting it lie for nearly a year, focusing on taking care of my children and getting some financial balance in my life… when he breaks up with the latest girlfriend (she went back to her husband) and all of a sudden I start getting texts and emails and whatnot like this. He doesn’t understand why we are getting divorced (um, were the last few years not clue enough for you?) and wants me to explain it to him in a way I’m not embarrassed to tell the kids when they are 18. But why should i be embarrassed? I’m not the one who lost our money, our house, and cheated on me, running off to a foreign country with a girlfriend while I picked up the pieces and guided our children through a global pandemic.

One piece of good news is these unhinged emails finally got me off my butt to borrow yet more money, hire a lawyer, and file.

MotherChumperNinetyNine
MotherChumperNinetyNine
3 months ago
Reply to  almostbluegirl

You’ll never regret investing in yourself.

Attie
Attie
3 months ago

Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V” – that is sheer brilliance!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
3 months ago
Reply to  Attie

I laughed out loud! Also I was thinking this… FW isn’t just sending this to Free. This wasn’t a new morning text “epiphany.” Who knows how many others he’s copy and pasted to

Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago

That’s why they call it a “broad cast”.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
3 months ago

Free,
FW is a delusional higher level psychopath. You know how you and your family had to sneak you out of your own home with basically only the clothes on your back? That was smart thinking. Your intuition served you. This guy creeps me the fuck out.

What I read in his text was reminiscent of a something a mass murderer might say to the next victim he kidnapped — “why did you make me do this? I’m not a bad guy. I never wanted to hurt anyone. You made me do this.”

Stay as no contact as you can. Any way you can get full custody of your kid? I know that can be near impossible. I know — I tried. But please keep careful records and stay safe from this guy.

Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago

I completely agree with you, that’s my take on this guy. Especially with the guns. Yech. I think she definitely needs no contact, show this screed to a lawyer and try to get sole or supervised contact with kid. No reason kid needs to be with this asshole. It’s like a hostage situation. I would not trust this asshole with kids.

Last edited 3 months ago by Mehitable
Apidae
Apidae
3 months ago

He tried to kill their child. That’s what moving the guns around and leaving them in low drawers was. He was hoping their little one would find the gun, and moving the guns, plural, around the house was so that the LW would never be able to know where they were and secure them.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  Apidae

I get that. Remember Curt Cobain’s lyrics: “I don’t have a gun, no I don’t have a gun…”? Well, guess what? He had a gun.

Some people engage in a lot high risk behavior because they have a “death wish.” By the same token, some engage in behavior that’s high risk to others because they have a “murder wish.” Sometimes it’s both. When was about 18, a roommate’s psycho boyfriend got mad at me (when I refused to “spy” on his girlfriend) and, when no one else was in the house, he stuck every knife into the kitchen cutting board for me to find. The former roommate soon broke it off with that guy and we’re still friends. She called me about a year ago to ask if I’d heard about that ex’s grisly, violent suicide. The violence could have turned outward just as easily so I have difficulty feeling anything about his death other than relief that someone else wasn’t the target.

Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago
Reply to  Apidae

Wow, I didn’t think of it like that but…..you might well be right. I can see that now that you say it. My instinct is I would never trust this guy around a kid. I’m thinking he’s crazy anyway, very disordered, very low morals, and I think he could be violent. I don’t want to scare “Free” but she really needs to consider this. This guy sounds like he could be doing heavy drugs to me as well, I would not be surprised.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  Mehitable

If he’s doing illegal drugs or other illegal activities, hopefully there’s a nice sting operation in his future which could make it easier for Free to get full custody.

Stepbystep
Stepbystep
3 months ago

I agree that this guy is dangerous.

Share this with your lawyer and consider contacting local Domestic Abuse program for further support. The combination of guns, financial abuse, a history of disappearing and an inflated sense of self suggests he shouldn’t be trusted with your child. He doesn’t even talk about trying to be a responsible parent.

Cam
Cam
3 months ago
Reply to  Stepbystep

Thirding this guy scares me too and to talk to your lawyer and an abuse hotline.

Ask the lawyer about doing custody dropoffs at a neutral 3rd location like the police station. Never be alone with this guy. Get cameras for your house.

Last edited 3 months ago by Cam
LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
3 months ago

Cheater cheats, get caught out, gets consequences, hates them and then whines like a bitch …… this time with extra added “will you please explain why this all happened?” in an attempt to hoover the chump back in.

I’d almost be tempted to say “I could explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you … so I’ll pass” but much better to say nothing.

CL nails it; no contact and parenting software.

LFTT

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

This monster left out some key details. I have fixed it for him.

“Woke up from an awful dream. Realizing that my path to healing stops making progress back in august of 2021, when I couldn’t get rid of that burning sensation in Mr. Happy whenever I peed. You can think I’m stupid and it’s the most obvious thing in the world that I have the IQ of a single-celled organism, but I still don’t actually know what happened to Mr. Happy. I still don’t know why you wanted to divorce Mr. Happy. I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with, but Mr. Happy makes up for it, doesn’t he? That’s what my roadside dogging party friends tell me. I recognize now that as soon as a fight starts with someone I love, (and I love with Mr. Happy like no other) I panic and flee from my emotions to go into “fix-it” mode in order to get the conflict to settle so that I can be emotionally safe again. Mr. Happy was not a safe space when I had that mysterious burning sensation, and it was deeply traumatic for me. So, dedicated fixer that I am, I fixed him by giving the burning thing to somebody else. 😃

I recognise now that my “fix-it” mode for Mr. Happy made me pretty unpopular at swinging parties. Something seems to have created a spiral that led to the burning becoming more intense and the sores growing larger and larger. I don’t understand what’s happening. I also know that I worked, something which is so exceptional that I thought you would give me cookies for it and dance around the firepit chanting my name in reverent fever. I thought you understood that I had a long record of selfless servitude with this exceptional ability to get up in the morning and go to an office for eight hours, give or take the two hour nooners. In order to create security and opportunity for us I did this incredible thing! But I imagine you felt like you were not important to me because I worked so much (give or take mental health days with the dogging club) and with such dedication. I could go on and on about all the ways I’m not perfect, and how I failed as a husband, but I will not, because it’s too sad. Mr Happy does not like anything sad. At the same time, again, call me stupid, since it is my middle name after all (thanks, Mom and Dad) but being hit with divorce papers hit me out of nowhere. What is this? Why would anybody divorce Mr. Happy? I thought we were in a rough patch ( the patch named Debbie) but we were going to work our way through it. You didn’t need to be a Debbie downer about the Debbie patch. It’s ok that this is the reality that we are now in. It’s so okay that I spent six hours composing this screed about how confused I am by this divorce thing. I just want to actually know what happened. If someone was lying to me about you or if there was some grand misunderstanding about the giant swollen tissue and pile of sodden tissues. I just don’t know what happened. What is this thing called divorce?

Bla bla bla bla bla hoover whine hoover whine. I’m sure this text is a huge mistake, but people like me, who vibrate at a higher frequency, send texts they are sure are a mistake while talking about what a mistake it is to send them in the texts. First thing as I woke up from my nightmare, a nightmare that continues to visit me, I had an epiphany. I realized that I am really, really sad and lost. Please find me for me. That’s your job. Mr Happy wants the sad to go away, and so I ask that you help me understand what happened and what this divorce thing is. Do you lower frequency people really get these silly divorces? Does it mean you don’t want to be married anymore? 😱 Oh the humanity!”

Last edited 3 months ago by OHFFS
Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Mr. Happy = appendage? LOL-yikes-shriek.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

He has an affectionate nickname for his best friend.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

As George Simon says, some people have disturbed characters, which makes them disturbed characters. I cannot fathom how the fuckwit could even wonder ‘how did this happen?’ He can’t. He truly can’t be that stupid. Someone who holds down a job, hides guns in all the locations that would be sure to mindfuck his wife, makes sure to lock his door and withhold all the money…, no. He isn’t stupid in the least. But he’s deranged. And like MichelleShocked says, he’s a higher-level psychopath. And dangerous. This is the kind of guy that will kill his wife and child because they got in the way of Mr. Happy. Thank God she got out when she did.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

He’s delusional, which is often indistinguishable from being stupid. He can’t understand her wanting to divorce a man of so many splendors. He knows perfectly well why she wants to divorce him, but it still doesn’t compute for him. In his mind, all the things he’s done were justified. I agree that he is probably ASPD as well as NPD.
He’s certainly not the brightest bulb, though. His writing shows that. It doesn’t take much in the way of intellect to do the things he’s done.

Last edited 3 months ago by OHFFS
Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

“And like MichelleShocked says, he’s a higher-level psychopath. And dangerous. ”
This is how I read him as well. I would not trust this guy with a kid and I would not be alone with him. The guns esp freak me out. Who hides guns around the house with a baby/toddler.

susie lee
susie lee
3 months ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Agreed. I know that folks say oh men that would kill their wives are few and far between (based on media stories). But, I believe many many more actually do it, but don’t get caught, the fact that recently some have been caught years later, should tell us that.

Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago
Reply to  susie lee

And there are some types that kill a number of spouses – the Merry Widow(er) types or Bluebeards – before they finally get caught. It happens more than we can imagine.

Last edited 3 months ago by Mehitable
OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

“Please send me a clue. A pantomimed hint. A passed note in Algebra class. A cipher. A decoder ring. An ace safe cracker. MI5. A gentle suggestion. A bold whack upside the head. Please find a cure for my cluelessness.”

😄

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

pure poetry. 😀

Elsie_
Elsie_
3 months ago

Just so very ick. Be decent enough to admit that you f*cked up big time, will ya? But no, he has to go on and on about everything else including how he misses his ex whom he treated very badly, and how he doesn’t understand what happened.

This doesn’t deserve a reply AT ALL. Save this text as an example of how delusional he is, truly a dangerous wacko not living in reality. I agree with passing it onto your attorney for the record.

Last edited 3 months ago by Elsie_
Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 months ago

“Buy him a vowel?” Oh my gosh! CL, you make me laugh so much! I so admire your wit. I have none. So I’m going to steal this one.

Orlando
Orlando
3 months ago

He’s definitely looking for a Plan B, C or D…and he’s trying to emotionally gold-dig you to do it. Remember none of us are our exes (or even currents) therapists. But, of course, these types never want to do the self-work, they want you to do it for them. You have an actual child to raise, you don’t need an adult-child to raise too. I hope you give him the gift of silence for his problems.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago

Even scarier than the idea that this guy is doing a mindfuck pretense that he doesn’t know what happened or what he did wrong is that he’s simply selectively erased any memory of the heinous things he did. So very Talented Mr. Ripley (in a speech to his unwitting next victim):

“Well, whatever you do, however terrible, however hurtful, it all makes sense, doesn’t it– in your head? You never meet anybody who thinks they’re a bad person. Don’t you just take the past and put it in a room, in the basement, and lock the door and never go in there? That’s what I do.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFL5DhXeWaA

I agree with others here that this guy seems dangerous. I know how difficult it is but I hope the stars align so that Free can get full custody and escape this freak’s orbit completely.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

That passage is spot on. That is how my FW copes with his many failures in life. He shoves them in a room in his cavernous, near empty brain, locks them in, and then he really does forget them. He can make himself forget something mere minutes after he’s done it. I guess it’s a skill only the disordered possess.

Elsie_
Elsie_
3 months ago

Exactly “…in the basement, and lock the door and never go in there…”

So we separated. While I was going crazy, getting all kinds of triggered by all the memories here, my ex was a thousand miles away at the beach, reinventing himself as a single man. Our mutual therapist encouraged me that I was truly in a better place because I could process the past and work out a better future in context. And indeed, I went from crying anytime I drove by certain places with memories to a balanced perspective.

I’m not sure who said this, but I think about it all the time, “The truth hurts, but denial will destroy you.”

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  Elsie_

Maybe it was the same person who said “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”

One of the reasons I believe cheaters are a subtype of domestic batterers is the selective amnesia thing– the ability to forget the worst things they do. Because lies are more effective when the liar believes their own bull, the little memory quirk conveniently helps perpetrators rewrite history and reverse blame on victims and then sound actually credible to bystanders. DV researchers have found that, while victims can have almost cinematic recall of traumatic interactions (because their survival depended on sharp attention and reflexes), many perpetrators can’t remember squat. Some seem genuinely shocked if shown video evidence of their own behavior during assaults.

Elsie_
Elsie_
3 months ago

LOL. So true.

Indeed I remembered many of the worst incidents in great detail while my ex said they never happened. He said that I was delusional and told his family that I needed to be institutionalized. Ah, no…

cowwhisperer
cowwhisperer
3 months ago

Get parenting software and use it, please.

The feelingsdump text would be obnoxious under any circumstances – but he’s got a history of abusive behavior that make him too dangerous to have a normal relationship with.

Personally, I find life easier when I believe what a person tells you. Your ex sees no problem with cheating on you, financial abuse, keeping you on edge by disappearing randomly, endangering a child with hidden gun while playing mind games on his wife and misappropriating assets. That’s why he’s boggled by the fact you left – he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.

He does have a short list of your failures to let him be AWOL while he’s working and… I dunno.. take care of his emotional issues that he’s made up as he wrote the text.

Texting might be slightly easier – but it’s not worth getting demented texts every time he’s horny and bored.

susie lee
susie lee
3 months ago

I’m sure this text is a huge mistake, but it was just a dump of my true feelings “
 
It was a dump for sure, a dump so odious
that even sparkles added on top won’t save it.

susie lee
susie lee
3 months ago

He is baffled by her filing for D, but yet he is the one who wanted it: “He announced he wanted to separate because he was too stifled by me, my unending demands, and our marriage.”

I think this is the very reason so many of these tools want the chump to file, then they can turn around and say, “poor me, I’m clean”. “Chump is the meanie”.

Is anyone having issues with trying to correct misspelling and having the whole sentence disappear. I am competent in word processing, so I am pretty confident I am not hitting a wrong key. Weird.

MotherChumperNinetyNine
MotherChumperNinetyNine
3 months ago

Free, you are MIGHTY. Thank God you got away from this freak. Stay no contact and hopefully this abuser will slink off and you’ll never hear from him again. These types should be tattooed with a prominent warning label. Terrifying.

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
3 months ago

This guy reminds me of my exFW. Dude really doesn’t understand why they’re divorced even though he was cheating on her the entire time? My FW said the same thing “I don’t know why you’re divorcing me” to which I replied “You cheated, lied and deceived me for DECADES and this really is coming as a surprise to you?” They are so dense!

Bruno
Bruno
3 months ago

I think that this text is less about wanting to get back together than it is creating excuses for his currently shitty life. Somebody has to be to blame and it sure as hell isn’t going to be him. My FW was diagnosed with a paranoid personality disorder and this is how her brain worked. She would fixate on my liabilities, while entirely ignoring her egregious cheating behavior. Even during our furtive reconciliation counseling she would just lock up when confronted with her destructive choices. Spining a self-serving narrative is a protective cocoon for the disordered.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago
Reply to  Bruno

It’s so weird to see that kind of behavior in people who might otherwise be perfectly capable of using a charm offensive in another circumstance. It reminds me of accounts in criminology textbooks of how some serial pedophiles behave when busted and confronted with hard evidence. They might go catatonic and pre-verbal, become completely unresponsive. Again, because the behavior is so selective, it doesn’t really count as “mental illness” per see because the behavior of the mentally ill is never so conveniently self-serving. It’s more the mark of a criminal disorder.

Apidae
Apidae
3 months ago

Free, you need to be very careful right now. Your ex is a dangerous abuser – as I said in another comment, leaving multiple guns around the house where your one-year-old could find them was not an accident, it was a deliberate attempt to put your child in a position where they could find the gun and “accidentally” kill themselves (and maybe you). That’s why he moved the guns around – so you couldn’t find them and lock them up.

Disordered, abusive people are restless and unhappy when they don’t have a victim at hand. His latest conquest left, so in his mind, he can come back to you. You were a useful punching bag in the past, so why not now? That you have your own independent feelings and opinions is not something that is relevant in his mind.

People like him are the ones we read about in newspaper stories headlined “estranged spouse and child in murder-suicide”. Please, please get parenting software in the short term, and talk to that lawyer about protecting yourself in the long term.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago
Reply to  Apidae

True, and very scary.

ChumpDchump
ChumpDchump
3 months ago

He’s a malignant narcissist. He literally is not capable of understanding what he did wrong. If he weren’t a complete waste of oxygen that you shouldn’t spend another second psychologically dissecting, it would almost be interesting to consider his recurring nightmares as a manifestation of the vestigial remnants of his conscience trying to break through to the surface, gasping for air. Oh well.

I am so glad that you have caring and supportive family to help you through this.

Cam
Cam
3 months ago
Reply to  ChumpDchump

This. He’s not confused, he’s lying.

Free, don’t fall for it and don’t waste brain cells trying to decode his bullshit. It’s not that deep, it’s just more manipulation.

He’s desperate for attention and trying to lure you back because he thinks you’re stupid enough to fall for it.

KattheBat
KattheBat
3 months ago

He doesn’t know why you divorced him and doesn’t understand what happened because he doesn’t see what he did as WRONG. In his mind, these are just things he has a right to do. His “happiness.” CL often quotes Dr. Simon: “It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they disagree.”

It’s not that he doesn’t see what he did, it’s that he disagrees that any of it was wrong.

Which is just wild to anyone who has a moral compass.

sweetsweetfreedom
sweetsweetfreedom
3 months ago

Free here, Thanks for the support everyone! I’ve come a long way, but it still does my head in when I receive one of these texts. I never respond, but its infuriating.

Thank you for your concern for my daughter. Unfortunately because of the laws in my state, he was granted 50/50 despite my evidence of his parenting track record. So I’m taking the long arc of Sane Parenting. Daughter is thriving and happy, co parenting got a lot better post-divorce.

Anyone else feel bummed when it didn’t work out with Schmoopie?? I liked having the attention deflected off me hahah

Last edited 3 months ago by sweetsweetfreedom
OHFFS
OHFFS
3 months ago

That is such a relief to hear, Free.

Yeah, I wish my FW had walked off into the sunset with OW, because she was crazier than a bedbug and would have made his life hell.

Last edited 3 months ago by OHFFS
Elsie_
Elsie_
3 months ago

Thanks for the update. Yes, focus on the long-term.

But likely, he’ll find another “friend” or two. These types don’t like to stay alone.

2xchump
2xchump
3 months ago

To be honest, I was thrilled when 8 weeks after my divorce, my XH cheater got married. I was red hot angry over all the Switzerland friends that helped and attended the wedding but not very long after the wedding a light dawned on Mr that all these Switzerland friends had helped my unstable XH cheater, out of my life. I became thankful. And I remain thankful.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 months ago

Sweetsweetfreedom–

Maybe this concept will help you wrap your head around the very special mindfuck your ex-perp is committing against you with these texts: https://jreidtherapy.com/narcissistic-projective-identification-explained/

For some reason, I’ve been very interested lately in the concept of “projective identification” as an explanation for how abusers manage to literally spellbind victims with the abusers’ disordered “projections” of victims characters. Basically what abusers do is project all their own worst faults, flaws and crimes onto victims and then treat victims as if the latter were actually guilty of those things. Being treated as if we “deserve” this abuse seems to do something to our lizard brains where we– without meaning or wanting to– somehow take on the guilt and shame of the abusers’ crimes and negative traits. Apparently this projection serves the culprits well since the latter actually feel “liberated” from shame and guilt if they can make their victims take on those emotions.

Maybe the reason this tactic is so spellbinding is because lies are more effective when the liar believes their own nonsense and no one believes their own bs more than domestic abusers. The latter effect relates quite chillingly to a mental quirk found in many serial killers, something dubbed “cubing” in which serial offenders are able to compartmentalize their double lives to such an intense degree that the offenders believe their own pretense. For example, when the serial killer is in his “upstanding family man/church deacon” guise, he plays the part with so much commitment that bystanders are spellbound by the “realness” of the mask: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shadow-boxing/202201/the-serial-killer-btk-and-the-concept-cubing

ChumpDchump
ChumpDchump
3 months ago

Bravo to you!

Also, yes, I can totally tell when my exFW is dating someone because she stops bothering me with her personal problems. I don’t feed into them! But she persists nonetheless. I like when she’s dating someone because she leaves me alone lol.

Cam
Cam
3 months ago

Get the parenting software.

Reality check time:

He bugged your phone and vehicle. He stole your car right out from under you and cut you off from the finances so you’d be trapped. He has guns and used them as another threat to scare you (make no mistake, hiding them was a threat). He hid your baby from you until you got a lawyer involved.

Your family was scared for your safety and had to move you out while he was gone.

You weighed 100 pounds by the time this was over.

THIS. MAN. IS. DANGEROUS.

You cannot tell me that texting with this lunatic is somehow a convenience.

Don’t reply to his texts, just get the parenting software and block his number.

Last edited 3 months ago by Cam
sweetsweetfreedom
sweetsweetfreedom
3 months ago
Reply to  Cam

Thanks Cam, I agree with you and it’s good to hear another’s voice confirming my thought. It’s simply not good for me that he can still use my number. Anyone have parenting software they recommend? I didn’t love OFW but it appears to be the best one out there?

Elsie_
Elsie_
3 months ago

I didn’t have to deal with that part (older kids), but a friend of mine prefers Talking Parents. Look into that one too.

Cam
Cam
3 months ago

Also, google the term “gray rock.” Psychopaths and narcissists feed on attention: positive, negative, doesn’t matter. Get the software and stick to emotionless logistics about the kid. Be boring. Hopefully he’ll find new distractions elsewhere soon enough and fuck off.

Cam
Cam
3 months ago

I’ve never used parenting software so can’t speak to those logistics, but I would prioritize talking to your attorney about the best way to protect yourself long-term – parenting software, custody modifications, etc.

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
3 months ago

My ex thought I’d fight harder to save our marriage, too. We were only married about two years when I learned he hadn’t quit dating. This is the honeymoon period, the best it will ever be, and I was unhappy with how he was treating me BEFORE I found out he’d been cheating,

Why would I stay?

Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago

Dear Free – OMG, where to begin. First of all DO NOT ANSWER THIS INSANE BULLSHIT. Don’t give him anything to work with. Go NO CONTACT if you haven’t already and stay that way. I’m concerned for you and your child – don’t want to scare you but you’ve been through the mill anyway so here goes. This guy is mentally and morally disordered, I suspect he may be on drugs too, and he sounds like he could be violent with the guns (especially hiding them in places a baby could get at!) and outbursts. THIS IS NOT SOMEONE I WOULD ALLOW WITH CHILDREN ESPECIALLY A SMALL CHILD. Maybe legally there’s nothing you can do, but I would talk to my lawyer and see if I could get custody pulled from him entirely. This man should not be alone with a small child based on his behavior and his propensity for guns. Talk to your lawyer, show him what this lunatic is sending you, talk about his behavior with guns and see if you can get custody changed. IMO, he should not be alone with a child based on his behavior. And I’m not even adding his disgraceful behavior with women. Do you know if he’s using drugs or drinking heavily? I understand that you may be afraid to do anything because you might not want to trigger him, but that in itself would say something. I doubt he loves this child because…fucking another woman while you’re pregnant and abandoning both of you doesn’t speak of love to me. Also, your kid doesn’t need to know him, that’s bullshit the System peddles on Chumps that just isn’t true. Especially at a tender age. What is she gonna know – some crazy, violent asshole. I had one of those growing up, I wish I hadn’t.

So don’t answer this, don’t answer anything he sends like this. Go to the lawyer, show him this, discuss the situation and try to revoke custody or have it supervised.

All a Blur
All a Blur
3 months ago

Gosh, it really is hard to understand!

U + affair = divorce

2xchump
2xchump
3 months ago

Dear Free, your name says it all. You are. These deranged souls have selective and disturbed memories. My XH cheater thought he was pure gold and every woman except me would, could should ADORE him, this gift to all woman. He didn’t think our gun infested bedroom was a problem. Doing strange woman was to teach me a lesson, Doing a coworker was necessary to take care of his needs. It’s a reality from the twilight zone and scrambled egg texts from another galaxy. These disturbed souls are scary and this guy is. In order to stay safe, zero contact, no discussions, no review of history, no looking for reasons. Do not ever respond to him. With his selective memory he could get back into your life and finish off what he started. Total destruction of you. Dreams of him hurting you
for divorcing him or worse come true. He would say he didn’t know what he was doing( true). That he thought it was a dream( true). He is the nightmare. My lawyer told me I could go back to her for a restraining order. Just keep that in mind. I’m so sorry this man came into your life to set your life on fire. Please eat, sleep, care for your child and soak up all the love of your family. Falling in love and marrying someone this disturbed is such a shock. My XH CHEATER was so smooth, he loved me so much. But he morphed into an out of control creep who only thought about himself 100%and his worn out Organ. We will get better and recover our worth. Listen to CL and CN and be very thankful that you are free. I am the happiest person around for finally escaping my deranged Cheater. No one will enter my life again to hurt me.