UBT: “I’m in a Good Place Now”
Dear Chump Lady,
So two years ago my husband of 25 years left me for his technician, immediately moved her in, got her pregnant and they are now living their happy life with a 17-month old, while I struggle.
Anyway, we are still not divorced. It’s in process, but very expensive and we disagree on many key points. Mostly the point where he doesn’t want to give me anything, he just wants me to go away.
I had the pleasure (or not) of speaking to him yesterday about our daughter. Anyway, I received a text from him today. All I see is he’s happy, happy, happy with no regrets. Honestly it still hurts and I think I need him to be miserable for me to ever feel justification. Like, why can’t his girlfriend cheat on him? Or why can’t the baby belong to a different baby daddy? Why are they so stinking happy???
I’d really like you to use the UBT on this text.
I appreciate u picking up the phone and calling about (daughter) yesterday, but I’m in a very good place right now. My leaving was just a tad bit more complicated than just I wasn’t appreciated. So please don’t trivialize my life decisions. I do not do things on a whim. That is not my nature. I’m sorry u got hurt and sorry kids got hurt. I have talked to them and explained my thoughts. Hope u have a good day.
Thoughts?
Struggling
Dear Struggling,
Yes, don’t call him and remind him he has other children. Geez, quit being such a buzzkill. Don’t you know the effervescent, new baby scent has worn off your kids? He has another family now.
Seriously though — don’t communicate with him except in writing where his answers and non-answers can be documented. And do NOT try to call him up and shame him or discuss your or your kids’ pain. As I’ve said here before, you may as well try and shame a doorpost. He’s “happy” because he’s about an inch deep. No, your feelings do not matter to him. And yes, that’s the REAL him.
If you insist on plumbing his shallow depths, you’re going to get exactly what you got — mindfuckery.
So stop engaging, and more full-court press to the divorce finish line, okay? There’s nothing you can say that a fat settlement check can’t say better.
Now to the UBT:
I appreciate u picking up the phone and calling about (daughter) yesterday, but I’m in a very good place right now.
Thanks for the kibbles! Your distress reminds me that I’m super awesome powerful! And ignoring whatever it is you want from me gives me shivers of delight. Please don’t try and make me feel bad. I don’t feel much at all because my conscience is a tiny, withered prune pit.
But, since you asked (and I know that I Am The Most Important Person here) — I’m happy! Couldn’t be better!
Are you miserable? Great! More evidence that I’m superior in every way!
My leaving was just a tad bit more complicated than just I wasn’t appreciated.
My being a fuckwit is just a tad bit more complicated than just I-walked-out-on-my-family-and-got-an-employee-pregnant.
I wasn’t sufficiently appreciated… as being a total fuckwit.
So please don’t trivialize my life decisions.
My life is not a triviality. My obligations are a triviality.
I do not do things on a whim.
I’m a cold-hearted, calculating motherfucker.
That is not my nature.
Uh, actually cold-hearted, calculating motherfucker is my nature. If there were an astrological sign for fuckwit, I’d be in the disordered seventh house of the seventh sun.
I’m sorry u got hurt and sorry kids got hurt.
Sorry, not sorry! Want to see my latest baby pictures?
I have talked to them and explained my thoughts.
I discarded them and explained it with a little chat — “Daddy’s happy now!” We’re good.
Hope u have a good day.
Fuck off and die.
This UBT ran previously. But this guy can still fuck off.
“My leaving was just a tad bit……..”
WTF is a tad bit
This loser is a magnitude TAD pile of shit!
Totally triggered me…..????
Believe it when Tracy’s UBT returns –
“I’m a cold-hearted, calculating motherfucker.”
Omg he is such an asshole. But, then again they all are in some way. Cold hearted calculating motherfucker asshats from Or returning to the 7th circle of hell. No, I’m not at all pissed off or bitter. Much. Meh is not in sight for me, and I’ll confess that’s pretty fucked up considering how long I’ve been around. WerkinOnIt….
The Ninth Circle.
Yeah the 9th circle! ????
Omg! I have to say God knows the avatar given to me could NOT have been more perfect. Behold my shiny unicorn horn. ???? Then shoot me.
Chumpedupchik— be kind to yourself. You are perfect. This shit is hard. Sending strength????????????
This shit IS hard and my brain knows all the things. Pressin on. Some days still really suck and I know y’all get it. Thank you????
Tad is jist so f*ckong condescending. What a tool. I’d love an update from this chump as to how it’s all shaking out for Mr Tad. I hope she’s in an awesome place.
Sarcastic, holier-than-thou motherfucker–that’s what he is. That SO sounds like my ex. I couldn’t have BEEN a more disposable piece of yesterday’s garbage after shmoopie came to light.
Ignoring, no contact is the only way he will stop being distracted/delighted by the drama and triangulation. It is the only way for him to focus 100% on the mess he has made, and the gross, 3rd rate princess he is now married to. My ex is very thick…he may never see her ridiculous games for what they are…but he will still have to experience them.
I am trying not to gleefully watch Hurricane Michael’s progress, which is straight in line for their new house.
Be careful what you wish for. Even if it is just her house that is wiped out you might end up feeling bad for wishing it on her. My ex’s Schmoopie’s house flooded recently. My ex’s car ended up under water because it was parked at her house. The night before I recall seeing that her house was in a neighborhood that experienced a power outage. I was somewhat gleeful about that, thinking temporary inconvenience. The next day when I discovered her house was partially submerged, I was no longer gleeful. I felt no satisfaction at all over it. I felt guilty for being gleeful about the power outage when it was in fact much worse than that. In fact I even felt a bit sorry for her (no flood insurance, it isn’t supposed to flood around here). I told the universe “I wanted Karma, but not like this”. I gained nothing from it and, if anything, it just cemented her relationship with ex because then he had reason to feel sorry for her and he got to play the hero helping her clean up from the aftermath (along with my kids). He thrives on that. They now have a hardship they overcame together. So anyway, you may not get the satisfaction you think if something bad actually happens to Schmoopie and/or her house and a whole lot of other people will also be affected, many innocent and some possibly chumps as well.
Hahaha! I was thinking the same thing. Hurticane Michael is directly in line with my soon to be ex’s whore’s house. No offense to any decent people from Panama City, Florida but I hope it is wiped off the face of the planet. There seems to be nothing down there in the Redneck Riviera but a bunch of trailer trash that can’t find a decent man so they have to go after the married ones. Come on Michael!!!!! Bring on the karma!!!
The UBT was spot on… especially the “cold-hearted calculating MF” part.
Totally coldhearted. Note that he is sorry OP “got hurt” and the kids “got hurt”, not “I’m sorry I hurt you and I hurt the kids”. It’s not his fault. Typical.
Yeah, like his wife and kids accidentally walked into a post and “got hurt.” Their fault for not watching out, right?
Adjective: miserable
|mi‑z(u‑)ru‑bul|
Of the most contemptible kind • You miserable skunk! • his miserable treatment of his family
= abject, low, low-down, scummy, scurvy
≈ contemptible
Of very poor quality or condition • miserable housing conditions in the inner city
= deplorable, execrable, woeful, wretched
≈ inferior
He is.
Getting him to agree? Impossible. Plus, you don’t need his agreement for it to be a fact.
Focus on winning….you got away, and she got stuck with a booby prize she thinks is the winning lottery ticket.
Source: my WordWeb app….
Man I hope her lawyer insisted on big fat cash settlement and the judge saw adulterous breeder as an insufficient reason to continue to screw Struggling over. Double points if his first set of kids opt to Shit on his grave.
You have a life insurance policy on him that you own and pay for, I hope. The stress of raising family #2 may fell him like an ox.
I also hope Howorker’s child isn’t his and she continues to cheat on him. Because I feel spiteful and petty.
Has Struggling made it to the land of Meh? Crossing my fingers!
The use of the the “u” for “you” – my cheater does that. He would spell out every word in a text or email except the word that actually uses the pronoun for person like “you”. IDK – again – cheater speak – appliance replacement –
I noticed that too! It seems like an effort to minimize someone else. You can’t even get three letters! Also Y.O.U. sounds a lot like I.O.U. And he does, oh he does.
As CL says, “trust that they suck, trust that they suck, trust that they suck.” You’re scared that they might suddenly change and turn into some kind of wonderful person or spouse and correct all of their fatal flaws?
They won’t. Think about how hard it would be for you to suddenly do a 180 and change your values, your personality and your outlook on life. Seems pretty extreme, right? Now imagine trying to do it while thinking you’re god’s gift and that the world somehow owes you something……it’s impossible.
So let him skip merrily along on his path to “happiness”, or wherever it is that he is going. Sooner or later, life will get “hard” for him again and he’ll make another rash and not well thought out decision. Not because of karma or because he deserves it, but mainly because he’s an idiot making idiotic decisions — that’s just what they do and that’s not going to change.
word!
LOVE THIS!
Thank you – i needed this today as well!
Thank you. I also needed to hear this today ????
I’m in the early discard phase. Dealing with a 14 year old son who has Attachment Disorder, ADHD and PSTD. We adopted him at 14 and I thought we were a happy family…not perfect, but committed.
I am so very jealous of him and his new found happiness. No not new found, instant. He and the woman he had an affair with 25 years ago connected on 6/27 on Facebook messaging and two days later they were all romantic and talking about him moving 1,000 miles away because he would never ask her to leave her children / grandchildren / job. WTF..,,apparently no worries about leaving his son.
So…..how do I get over wishing he would crash and burn in his new life? He’s telling our son about all the fun things he’s doing…..it’s Disney in St. Louis….and I can’t even compete….I was the breadwinner so I’m paying him. I want him to be miserable and realize what he’s lost, what he threw away without a thought.
I have so much to do to our house (serious repairs he would not do – he was a contactor – or allow me to hire). Our agreement says certain repairs must be done prior to our getting appraisals so I can buy him out. Until then I have to pay him prepayment of equity….and I kept all the bills. Plus there are repairs I didn’t include in the agreement because I was shell shocked. I don’t have the time (also work) to clean up the mess he leafy, deal with my sons other health needs, take us all to therapy, and have the time / money to take him places.
I just want him to be miserable…and I’m struggling not thinking about him….if will be a week this coming Friday that he left.
What are some steps to move me along?
Hang in there my dear I know exactly I also have an adopted son aged 12 and his fucwit dad did the same thing! I’m nearly two years into DDAY and it does get better! You can email me if you like at carolanndudeck@gmail.com
For me, the bigger and more meaningful I make my life the less I care about his at all. It just sounds like you have a lot going on and agreed to lots of stuff that made your life harder. Understandable given the fear your ex placed on you when he threatened to take you son. Bottom line, your ex is a bully. The best thing is to stand yo to him now, proactively, so he’ll stop. Make it harder for him to bully you then leave you alone. You do that by getting a better lawyer. Good luck
My ex convinced our kids to live with him and I have to pay him support. It does suck. But it’s worth it to not live with a backstabbing traitor.
If your kids are under 14, they don’t get full say in where they stay at least in MN
Most likely your kids will eventually see your ex for what he is. Not 100% certain, some kids stay hoodwinked. Most outgrow the illusion. For now — they’re so young, they do love him, he’s their dad, and (at least for now) he’s Super Fun Dad!
Silver – they reconnected after 25 years and two days later he discards you, his son and his whole life to fly to her side??
Unless they have a time machine there’s NO WAY they could have learned enough about the quarter-century-older each other to make that kind of commitment. I am so sure that their wonderful life is either pure New Relationship sparkles, or frantic spackling! Either way and even if it’s not, you are perfectly valid in wishing the whole thing would crash and burn, after such a very, very short time.
However, better for YOU to be at Meh. I occasionally descend into self-pity (not saying this is you!) because I have to deal with three teens, their laundry and food and school commitments and being a taxi and all the rest, then I remember that actually bar the taxi bit (learned to drive at 50 last year yay me!) I have always done all that anyway. It is hardest to deal with the kid’s emotions alone and I would suggest, if you have someone who can look after your son, you spend some time with no responsibility except spoiling yourself. It is perfectly natural at such an early stage to think so much about him and wish it would all go horribly wrong! You wouldn’t be a Chump and you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t doing that!
Please keep posting Silver, am thinking about you and your son today xxx
Thanks for your post, it helps. I’m 56 and yes, I did it all with the exception of mowing the lawn and the mechanical systems of the house.
He threatened to try and take our son if I didn’t agree to the repairs before appraisal. They are things I need to do so we are ok this winter. The separation agreement states we deduct his half of the repairs from his share of the equity I owe him.
He wanted the increased equity not really our son….I just couldn’t take the chance. All he talks about to his family is how much money he’s getting.
I’m time and cash poor now….and it will continue for at least a year. I let him beat me down when I tried to keep him accountable to do the work on the house. Now I have a house that has a lot of needs, and the agreement states I have to live here for two years. It’s best for my son so not moving is good —- he struggles with change and there has been so much already.
Have both my son and I in therapy….he’s really pushing things — used a bit of bad language towards me. Can’t let him get away with it, at the same time worry I’ll damage our relationship as he’s 14 and definitely a teenager….albeit a emotionally delayed child. He has consistently dragged a year or two behind from his life before adoption.
He has also watched his father sit on his butt while I do things….I let him learn that. Trying to help him unlearn that….also feel I need to go slow.
Hard to get him to talk to me…we are going to start volunteering next week, hope that helps on several levels
Your lawyer sucks,
your IRL friend suck because they should be shoring up your bravery,
he has negative zero interest in taking your son
and it’s time for you to simply stop complying with this deal you made when you were at the bottom of the pit emotionally.
New lawyer time. Are you financially dependent on him? Also time to fire sale this house. Your son is going to struggle no matter where you live. Time to take your stress level way down. No medals in this world for martyrdom. Wishing you much mighty
Let him try to take your son!!! Good luck with that buddy. Call his bluff on his threat.
Start collecting your documents. Any information that shows that you’ve been the one involved in your son’s care. Who made the appointments? Who attended the appointments? Who has done the follow up? Who deals with the school? What strategies are implemented in the home? Who consistently follows through?
My son has autism. My STBXH has already threatened that he wants 50-50 access in order to get out of paying child support. I told him to go ahead and try. I’m the one in possession of three binders dedicated to our son and his condition. One tracking all his schooling, with special education plans and emails with the teachers and notes of meetings that I took. The second binder is for all the therapies and the tracking of fundings we receive. All appointments I made and therapies I participated in, along with the strategies and visuals I’ve created through the years. The third binder has all the notes I’ve taken from every book and article I’ve read, talks I’ve attended or podcasts I’ve listened to.
I also got a family counsellor to see my children within a couple of months of the separation. She was able to support me in my argument that our son needed to consistently sleep at home with me to maintain consistent patterns for his emotional well-being and success in school.
If you have been actively involved in the treatment of your son’s condition, no judge would rule that it’s in the child’s best interest to be removed from the home of the parent that provides the greatest expertise and consistency for the child’s well-being.
CALL HIS BLUFF!
Silver–two things.
1) You are doing great. You are stringing together coherent sentences, which puts you way out ahead of where lots of the rest of us were during the first few months. It does get better, but not quickly and not necessarily without set backs.
2) You probably need a better lawyer. You need a lawyer who will reassure you that threats to gain custody are not going to net your EX a dime. For starters, your EX is going to use this threat (and so might your teenager) forever. He knows you love your son, and he’s going to threaten to coerce or bribe your son away from you whenever it benefits him IF he thinks it will work. It is very tough, but you need to put a stop to that now. You need a lawyer who will help you make settlement decisions that do not hamstring you. I know the idea of getting a lawyer or a new lawyer when you are cash-strapped seems overwhelming, but you may need to.
Finally, don’t worry about whether your EX will approve of how or what repairs are done. Make the decisions you want. Document them. If he wants to contest them, make him take you to court and prove that they were wasteful or inadequate. As the on-site person with custody, the benefit of the doubt will accrue to you in a court situation.
Good luck and keep coming back.
The threat to take custody of the child/children is an overused divorced tactic to make you take far less than you deserve and lets him off the hook for a number of child care expenses. He and his lawyer are counting on you to panic and agree to their terms. No way is his new skank going take on an adolescent with disabilities, absolutely no way.
Your ex absolutely does not want to take your son away from you. Are you kidding? What a drag that would be on his shiny new life. I bet if you tried to call his bluff on that he would back down quickly, but I can see why you don’t want to risk it. I wouldn’t either in your position. You are capable of forming attachments, dickhead isn’t.
The entire cost of repairs should be deducted form his equity and you are paying for all of it post his leaving. He should only get half of the value of the house as it is right now, no repairs.
This, word for word. I know you’re afraid but a lawyer needs to call his bluff. Even if you tried to arrange 50/50 I’m sure he wouldn’t want it. He’s just trying to use you to find his midlife crisis.
I’m so sorry, what a douche canoe! Abandoning a child with reactive attachment issues is a special kind of fucked up!
1. Stop putting pressure on yourself to “get over it!” You have morals and feeling, unlike douche canoe. Baby steps!
2. Go no contact as much as possible.
3. We are often taught that good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to those who make mistakes. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame…. don’t!
4. Humiliation is the result of internally disagreeing with the injury that has been inflicted upon you, it is the feeling of being put down – being made to feel less than one feels themselves to be. Humiliation means to be placed against ones will, in a situation where one is made to feel inferior by stripping away pride, honor or dignity. If you feel humiliated remember it is telling you, “you didn’t deserve this!”
5. Torture aims at the destruction of another’s sense of self, but what’s specially awful about torture, is that in torture, a victim’s will is turned against itself. Do not let his “happiness” torture you.
6. In equitable relationships, based on equal value, everyones needs are given the same priority of importance, and matter equally. Entitled assholes aren’t capable of this! Trust that he sucks!
7. With the abuse of trust and faith, vital elements of innocence, something precious is lost. We often view this experience as a wound to be healed, but this is something that needs to be grieved; it can not be restored to its previous state.
8. And lastly I’ll leave you with this…
Recovering From the Loss of a Dream.
By LEIGH PRETNAR COUSINS, MS.
One’s internal reality is the “realest” thing we have. We do, truly, live inside our own heads, and we experience the external world through the lens of the Self we construct.
So, when a dream dies, it’s just as painful and “real” to us as when a flesh-and-blood loved one dies.
And that same mourning process needs to take place. The denial, the bargaining, the anger…all of that…until, finally, acceptance sets in.
Our dreams exist, for real, in our brain’s circuitry. An important dream is built up through lots of repetitions of a cherished idea, which makes for very strong and sturdy neural connections.
Those connections don’t then easily disconnect as soon as we realize that our dream won’t come true. The disconnection and rerouting process is long and painful.
Tim Hardin wrote How Do You Hang on to a Dream?…because, of course, the desire to hang on is so powerful and the letting go is so agonizing.
We often don’t have sufficient respect for someone who is suffering dream-death. We wonder why they don’t just buck up and move on. After all, it was “all in their head,” right?
But that’s exactly the point: “In our heads” is where we live. That’s where the pain and suffering come from.
When someone loses a dream…
a career aspiration
a home
a relationship
…it doesn’t matter whether that dream was “deluded” or “impractical” or “a mistake.”
Dream-death is real death, and the sufferer needs sympathy and patience, along with the gentlest, most consistent support towards rebuilding a new reality inside their heads.
I so needed this today. Four months in and 67yrs old. Thank you.
Wow! Powerful ideas!
wonderful response! silver anniversary-i am so sorry. i agree with mrsvain, iwas in a similar situation in that i earned the money and he was “in construction” but somehow didnt work and didnt maintain the property. how is this agreement constructed. if between you and him, in writing and signed or verbal? if verbal consider getting a separation agreement that freezes assets and do as msvain recommends-get the appraisal and that becomes the value taken into divorce. no way should you increase the value of the property until after the divorce and it is yours. i hope you have a lawyer. what are you basing your prepay of equity on? and why? sounds like he is getting everything he wants and you are getting all the headaches. TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST. fuck him?
It’s a separation agreement…I had it done and signed 14 days after he asked for the divorce. I think he would have asked for support- I’m in Ny State and it’s a no fault state. I take 1/2 the cost of repairs off his equity payment.
If I was to pay support it would have been until I was 71 (31 years married) and cost me $40K per year. Plus I was afraid he would take my son….
Silver,
I understand what you are saying- by giving your ex the house repairs you saved a ton of money in spousal support. That was really clever of you. Don’t beat yourself up for not doing better- YOU ROCK!!!!!! I was seriously having trouble figuring out how to microwave a hot pocket after D-Day. I would keep reading the box for the hot pockets over and over again like I was deciphering ancient Egyptian or something.
I also have an ADHD teen (who is borderline autistic) so my heart goes out to you- it hurts doubly to see your child traumatized further from the guy who was supposed to be their father.
BTW- how do you actually KNOW they were only talking for two days before they got together??? It sounds like the bullshit lies my ex would tell me. He says it to hurt you.
Thank you so much for this. Three and a half months NC and I fell into a deep, dark hole yesterday. This reminds me to be patient–grief is not linear.
Thank you so much. Everyone tells me to move on. Ten months in and I’m trying but I needed to hear this today
Neversawitcoming, 10 months is way to soon to be “over it.” Only people who have no clue what you’re going through would say that. Actually, I don’t think we ever get “over it,” we just learn to live with it. There’s always a hole there, but you add things to your life that makes the hole less noticeable. I’m 7 years out from D-day and although I’m doing pretty well, my life has been forever changed because of a unilateral decision made by someone I loved and trusted.
10 months is early days! I was told here it can take 3-5 years to get to meh – faster if you divorce quickly and are completely no contact. I’m at 3 years 10 months and most days I’m at peace now. But, I will never forget.
Thank you for this!
It takes time. But it does get better.
I am really confused how you have to get repairs on the house before you can buy him out. Should not the buy out represent the actual worth of the house? The way the house was when he left? I am not sure why you are forced to pay for these repairs to increase the value of the house and then have to pay him half. Have you talked to a lawyer?
Is there a time limit? Can you not pay him and then use that money on repairs? If (and that is a huge if because they are lazy) he takes you to court, you can show the repairs that were court ordered … have receipts and before/after pictures. I would also go ahead with an appraisal now. Or if there is no time limit you just wait it out. Again if he took you to court, you show that the repairs are not done yet and that you simply can’t pay for the repairs yourself with all the other things you have to pay for.
Also make sure all your conversations are done by text or email so you can have it in writing. You will need to screen shot and save all your texts. When you must talk to him on the phone, act like you are being recorded. And try not to commit to anything verbally. Say you will think about it and let him know in a text or email. Or better yet just don’t answer when he calls.
Document everything. Take pictures of house the way he left if. And go absolutely no contact. That was the only thing that helped me heal. Not talking to him ag all. Nor hearing his voice and not letting him mind fuck me anymore with his words. Good luck
They just love to twist the knife……hopefully your kids will end up discarding their “father” as he has discarded his kids. Legitimately happy people do not go out of their way to make you miserable by shoving their “joy” in your face. He’s nothing but an angry little asswipe.
I find it kind of hilarious that this guy thinks his decision to cheat and leave his wife for someone else was ‘complicated’.
How he tries to puff himself up. What a joke.
Do not engage in stupid contact with his sorry ass. I would not entertain shit that doesn’t matter. Rubbing his “happiness” in your face screams unhappy… he is a fuckwit, disgrace and shitbag for walking away for his tech! The two of them deserve each other.
Well said.. . Happy people that are in a good place do not need to tell anyone that. If he really was happy, he would have just said “thank you for calling last night regarding daughter. Let me know if our children need anything else from me. ”
I wonder how she is now.
What a piece of work! Nothing says disordered entitled prick better than … “I fucked our family and kids over, but I talked to them about it. I’m happy, happy, happy! How dare you imply my happiness is trivial!”
My STBX told the kids when he was shoving his latest flavor of the month down their throats “If I’m not happy I can’t be a good parent.” So in other words, “eat this shit sandwich and support me, or I’m going to make your life miserable. Me, me, me, me, me! Sing it with me kids!”
My STBXH told the kids he would be a better dad if we got divorced. What a waste of space! He never calls the kids let alone takes them ever. The only thing he does is comes to his sons baseball game now and then. It’s hit or miss with him. He leaves every freaking weekend with his skank/gold digger. He’s too busy jet setting around the country to be a dad
If there was ever a perfect reason to go no contact/low contact-gray rock with an ex cheating fuckwit, this text is it! I don’t know what she sent to him but I would bet that she showed some part of herself to him by admonishing him for the way he treats his children or for the way he discarded them all for his shiny, new life. THEY DON’T CARE!!
They have all the emotion of an inanimate object when it comes to introspection or taking responsibility for their actions. They are quite splendid and if you don’t realize it, they will tell you that they are happy, find a way to call you a bitter bunny and then give their wishes that you someday get over it and become less bitter. Of course no communication from them would be complete without the wish of a great day or life.
Trust me, the whole exercise will leave you scratching your head wondering why the hell you didn’t talk to a wall instead. Ask me how I know.
I agree 100%. Gray rock is the answer and I thank Chump Lady for helping me to see that.
I had thought it was impossible, because I was so angry and discombobulated by the lies and manipulation I’d suffered at the hands of my ex-wife, but I must finally be approaching meh.
The other day, I went into a child-related meeting with her, fully committed to withholding ALL emotional content. No anger. No sadness. No recrimination or guilt-tripping. No happiness. No hatred. No love. No kindness. No cruelty. No INTEREST. Not even cold. Just the business we were focused on.
Big success. She tried a number of times to lure me into her web, but when she did, I chose to talk about the weather, in a completely neutral tone. How many times can you say the same thing about the weather? A lot, I learned. I walked away from the meeting with my spirits intact for the first time since we’d begun having those encounters. It works. (Just give it a little time).
You are mighty Antoine-Saint Chumpery! I did not have to co/parallel parent with a fuckwit since my children were adults when the proverbial shite hit the fan. I admire parents who have to weather the shitstorm with minor children.
Gray Rock rules the day!! May you find peace at some point!
This message was written in response to something that shouldn’t have happened… talking about feelings.
He doesn’t give a shit. You already know this. He didn’t care enough to JUST be physically present, much less be emotionally present.
He doesn’t care about your feelings. Or his daughter’s feelings. NOT having to face those things was one of the MAJOR perks of leaving… and that says everything about him, not you.
Help your daughter figure out how to protect herself from further hurt… a book and/or discussions on words vs. actions and boundaries – GENERALLY, not to make it a bitch session about dad. You can learn about it and practice it and talk about the things you’re finding difficult *together.*
But he? He does.not.care.
The “I’m sorry” is him tossing you a little itty-bitty bone saying, “here, now scram”. Hell, I didn’t even get that. I got the formal “I apologize…” The only sorry I got was when my mother passed away. Those apologies aren’t even half-assed. They are throw-aways.
Go gray rock as much as possible. Go through your lawyer, get parenting software but try to avoid direct contact as much as possible. Believe me, he’s still a fuckwit and she’s not any better. She just had a child with a man that’s still married to another woman. The baby daddy – well, you see, there’s still this pending divorce so he’s still married to another woman. Birth control – what’s that?
Oh, smugness if my-hapoiness-is-all-that-matters tone of this asshole….throat-punch with a follow-up wheelhouse kick to the dick…
I made the mistake of calling exh2 once a couple months after he left asking for help. Mistake. Still feel like a douchebag for even calling him.
Over the last few years, I’ve noticed that he can sling as much at me, but when I counter with my own, he shuts up.
Him: “All you care about is money, (our daughter) is nothing more than a paycheck to you!”
Me: “kinda like how I was nothing more than a paycheck to you for 13 years?!”
Him: whatever
{He Stops texting after that}
From September last year until this past June, he didn’t pay me a dime. I never once called him out on it. I said nothing to him. Instead, I frequently contacted the child support enforcement office.
I’ve waited him out so many times, it drives him nuts— that I’m not chasing behind him, begging, raging, crying (i.e. kibbles)— so in the end, he does what he’s supposed to, or an entity bigger, meaner, stronger than him does it for him.
As far as waiting for them to feel what you’ve felt or have been feeling, it *will* come. I know from first-hand experience:
Exh1 left me for OW. They married within 9 months after our divorce was final. She threw him out on the street five years later almost to the day of their wedding date. He was jobless, homeless, car-less. He subjected our sons to emotional blackmail, manipulations, he attempted suicide, etc. He called me one night, then face-to-face told me that he had finally realized/felt all that he had caused me to feel six years earlier.
It was validating, sure. However, by the time he got around to acknowledging the pain he had caused me, I didn’t need it. I was at meh. I was fine. I had bigger things to be happy about, least of which was his stupid ass figuring out what a piece of shit he was to me.
As far as exh2 goes, he’ll always be a miserable fuck and I’m grateful for every day that passes that he’s not around.
✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️
same. wasband is a toxic miserable mess. he left me in 2014 for the neighborhood party girl meth head who bailed on her own husband and abandoned her 4 kids. he believed she was “meant to be” and literally gave up EVERYTHING for her.. .. they have been fighting pretty much every day after that first year. she beats him, throws bottles at his face, broke his windows and slashed his tires. she belittles him, puts him down and makes fun of him in front of her friends. he attempted suicide in 2016. and it has not gotten any better for him. they break up at least once a year, they cant keep a house/apartment, they cant keep a vehicle, they cant keep a job, hell they cant even keep a cell phone. .. .
this past may, during one of their break ups. he called me one night, apologizing for ‘everything’ he did to me and telling me to tell his boys that he loves them (only he did not want to talk to one boy who was standing next to me, crazy). i foolishly thought he was suicidal again so i made plans to take the boys to see him that following weekend. the actual visit went well. i took the boys 90 miles away and had to spend the day in a chucky cheese, listening to his poor me stories and playing the victim (neither the boys or i really cared) of how she treats him so badly.. .. he took pictures of the boys that kind of bothered me. and was talking to them for a few weeks on facebook messager and then he got back together with her and ghosted just like that. no explanation. no apology. no excuses. no reasons. just POOF and he was gone. (his thing does not like him talking to ME, and she is worried that he and i will have sex during his visitations with the boys. even thou i never was home or around the times he did pick up or visit the boys.) i am not sure how her not wanting him to talk to me passes on to him not talking to the boys but we are not bothered by it anymore. the boys dont even care or worry about it.
so he just burned his last bridge with his children for her. i have no doubt in my mind that they will not stay together and will eventually break up for good. .. this year, next year, 3 years from now. it doesnt matter to me (or the boys) we are done. we have our peace. we have quiet, stable, stressfree and happiness. we have each other and enjoy our lives. i see my children every day. i talk to them and hear their stories. i get hugs, smiles, and time with them. i have 2 grand children that i get to spend time with too. he is still miserable and toxic and unhappy … .. ..
#Karma
Excellent, MrsVain !!!
I no longer about him and Wife, or Exh2/the evil one and Mrs Dumbass.
DD and I have a good, peaceful, quiet life. That’s all that matters in the end doesn’t it?
Princess Penis said, along the lines, the same thing to be intentionally hurtful. After I snorted at his “deserved happiness,” he protested that I didn’t believe him. Shocked, I replied, “You lied to me for years; you must really think I’m a moron to believe any sound out of your mouth!?!?”
When he slithered back to his InstaFamily, I realized my spontaneous quip was true. I emailed my attorney and instructed them to let him know all communication was to be through their office. Once they confirmed, he was permanently blocked!
The “deserve happiness” trope really pisses me off. So what did we and all our kids deserve? Did we “deserve” devalue and discard? Did we “deserve” abandonment? Did we “deserve” financial destitution? Did we “deserve” to be exposed to cancer causing and potentially lethal diseases without our knowledge or consent? Do the male chumps “deserve” to paternity test their kids because they were trusting? Is no price too high for their “deserved” happiness? If they really got what they “deserved” they’d all catch flesh eating bacteria on their genitals!
I got the “I deserve to be happy” too. This was back before I knew about the affair, when I was trying to convince her to give our marriage a chance, so I answered “Can’t you first try to be happy inside our marriage?”. That is, can’t we work on the marriage to see if you can be happy in it, before you throw it (and the kids!) away. Somehow XW heard this as “you are only allowed to be happy married to me” and this has become part of her narrative of how I was emotionally manipulative and abusive.
Well Involuntary Georgian, let me say it: SHE SUCKS! I came to the conclusion that if someone can’t be happy with a mate who loves them, is committed to the marriage, is faithful, and decent–that says far more about the cheater than it does about the spouse who is left. Honestly, I think just about any perfectly decent person could be happy with any other perfectly decent person. Do these idiots think that life is all romance novel drama, sappy sentimentality, and torrid sex 24/7 365? And if so, why aren’t they investing that romance, sentiment, and sexual effort into their marriages?
Criminals believe they deserve anything that someone else has. These fuckers are no different. They deserve jail time for fraud and abuse in my opinion.
There are so many compelling moments in this little gem:
– The disordered fuckwit has ZERO QUALMS about starting a new family replete with a fresh baby, yet can’t manage to wrap-up his divorce after SEVENTEEN MONTHS.
– He can’t spell the word “you” because he thinks because he is fucking a millennial at the age of 50, he now is one.
– You cannot talk rationally with someone who is disordered.
– Nothing speaks louder than 15 minute billing increments to his lawyer.
For me, going no contact with Mr. Sparkles became a paramount strategy to getting the divorce done. If he wasn’t willing to put it in writing, than it was just more manipulative verbal diarrhea on his part. I used Cozi scheduling software so he knew our son’s schedule and we didn’t need to talk – he either showed up or he didn’t… how he chose to parent was not my responsibility. And, all other communication was via email or through lawyers.
Walk away from the crazy… trust that they suck and that you do not.
“My life is not a triviality. My obligations are a triviality.”
Ding ding ding! In a nutshell.
Thanks for running this again, Tracy! It’s good to be reminded that They Do Not Change. Ever.
Cheaters all work from the same basic playbook. One of the major plays is that of triangulation. This is at the heart of the Pick Me Dance. The more you tell Cheater how much Cheater has hurt you and the family, the more that Cheater just loves the new-found happiness of life with their AP. They get to band together and point at you, saying how pathetic it is that you’re chasing Cheater. Still.
The only way to win is not to play. Go as No Contact as you possibly can. If there are custody issues, let your lawyer do the talking and insist that communications about kiddo be done via email. Oh, and document how often Cheater spends with the child, especially if you have a temporary custody order in place until the divorce is finalized. Cheaters who don’t want to spend time with their children are Cheaters who have reduced parenting time, which in turn will be reflected in the child support.
Once you remove yourself from the picture, they have only each other. And that relationship was pretty shallow to begin with.
Such was the case with CheaterX and Schmoopie. It was almost as if their entire relationship was based on triangulation. Even after I left, Schmoopie would accuse CheaterX of cheating on her with me! This shows you just how important triangulation is to the cheating relationship!
Cheaters aren’t that deep. His penis is getting serviced by a new appliance and that’s all that matters to him. He’s not that deep, doesn’t care about anyone other than himself. If he did, he wouldn’t have cheated and screwed his family over.
I was talking to a childhood friend recently who admitted to me he was cheating on his live in girlfriend. When I asked why he was doing that? He said: “I don’t care about what happens, whatever will happen can happen.” That was it. He just didn’t give a rats ass, who he was hurting, or about any of the consequences. That’s the cheater mindset. They just don’t care.
This so called “man” you married is a disgusting selfish
narcissistic. Let the owhore have him. If he can walk away from you & the children he will eventually do the same to the ow.
Be strong so you can rid yourself of the toxic people in your life. You & your children will live a honest & clean life without “garbage “.
((Hugs)) ????
“…They are now living their happy life with a 17-month old, while I struggle.”
Let me take this specific case and shoot this balloon out of the air. How happy is Schmoopie when Cheater won’t finish the divorce? The “baby” is 17-months old and he still “can’t” [more likely won’t] marry her. How happy can he be with her when he won’t take steps to divorce because he’s fighting to take things away from wife and children? He’s “in a good place,” meaning he has her (and she’s stuck with a baby so therefore much more constrained in activities), he has a discarded wife he won’t let go of because then he might have to marry BabyMama, and he gets lots of kibbles from keeping his spouse and kids in limbo, hooked own his every word. That keeps BabyMama is a full-fledged pick-me dance.
We assume that cheaters and their APs are so happy or we believe them when they say so to us, to others, and on social media. Then we torture ourselves with it. But why? Why do we believe in their sudden, instant happiness when the first rule of “fixing your picker” is not to jump into instant relationships? When we learn that reciprocity is key to a happy relationship and we KNOW that the cheater doesn’t ever choose a level playing field. We fear that the magic vagina or penis has transformed a person who is selfish and lacks empathy into someone who is deep and caring. That’s like believing in magic beans.
Don’t listen to their words. Don’t look at their social media. Watch what they do. A man or woman who can leave the kids and then fight the other parent for the resources needed to raise those kids has not changed or grown. They just switch out one spouse appliance for a different model. It doesn’t even have to be newer, shinier or have more features. Just different.
Lovedajackass – Nailed It!
Trust that they suck, repeat this mantra several times a day and eventually you will internalize this truth. Once you comprehend that you cannot expect anything at all from a cheater, get your ducks in a row. Have you filed for divorce? DO you have a great attorney, great divorce certified CPA? I don’t know your financial situation, but if you have been married for 25 years it can be considered a long term marriage in the state where I live, and thus you could sue for alimony, again depending on your state laws and your financial situation.
I know it is so incredibly hard to come to terms with the fact that you spent a good portion of your life with and on someone who does not have any respect, nor any consideration for you. But it is the cold, hard truth that you do not matter anymore for the cheater. Your focus can only be on yourself, do not expect anything from him, having contact with the dysfunctional will only lead to yet another hurt, you do not need that. Go no contact, let your attorney deal with him. No contact is the path forward.
One of the hardest UBT I have read, what a massive asshole this guy sounds like. Strength to you, something tells me you’re going to be ok away from this douche, remember no/low contact is the path to freedom, ask us how we know.
Only a creep could be ‘happy’ after abandoning his family. It’s the definition of creep.
oh perfectly said!!! a very good point.. .
Tracy has got it nailed on the head as per her clever no-nonsense approach. My own answer here is for the chumps whose partners left without a backward glance…no hoovering, very little remorse or feelings except for the shallow ” I am sorry for the pain I caused you”. How to decipher all this?
Let’s imagine that you are a family van driver and owner. You spotted (or it spotted you, doesn’t matter either way) a new car in the horizon. A new, shiny number with all the latest bells and whistles. You’ve taken that car for a drive and you liked it, a lot actually. Made you feel alive, young and excited. You want that new car BUT there is the family van parked in the driveway. Imagine that this old van has the ability to speak. Following is the conversation you will hold. Between brackets is what you really think but don’t say:
You: Listen Van, you and I are no longer driving so well together, we don’t communicate so well anymore, drew apart. It is time for us to part way and do our own things ( I need you to be out of this drive way and make room for my new car )
Van: But we took care of this family as a team, drove to school/ event/ sport extra curricular activities together. How can you walk away like this?
You: I really appreciate our past together, you were a fantastic van. Don’t you worry, I’ll take care of you financially ( This is the past and it is no longer relevant to either of us. The kids are grown up and I don’t need a van anymore. I’ll be happy to pay for the tow truck to come and cart you away)
Van: Not so fast, I have no pension, no saved money except for what little I made while driving the family around.
You: We’ll split the family assets equally. ( what do you mean I have to pay for your maintenance and repairs! I want all my money to go toward my new car, she is the one who deserves it, not you anymore, free loader! )
Van: But what about the kids sitting in the van?
You: Well, they’ll want to see me happy and will be glad to come and ride with me once in a while, when new car and I are available. ( They love me, they’ll want to see me happy in my new car. So, or they come and join new car and me when we feel like a drive together, or they miss their opportunity. Their call, not my concern, really)
AND how does that all end?
Two possibilities perhaps based on age:
Young driver: once the smell of the new car evaporates, there will be other new cars laying around, cuz this new car has become boooring.
Old driver: it might be difficult to keep dropping cars when one is older, needier and less adventurous. So it might be best to stick around with this car even if it didn’t really keep its new allure. Boy, life is not as good I expected it to be, booooring.
Regardless of the outcome, dear chump sisters and brothers, do keep in mind that the affair partner now made good is actually sleeping next to a car owner, no more no less. Not an enviable place. All the ” look what he was capable of doing to his family for me” becomes ” Look what he was capable of doing”, period.
It will take its sweet time but there will be the day when mentally writing this thank you note to the affair partner made-good will actually make obvious sense. Of this I promise you. Keep the faith
Brilliant.
OMG, I’m DYING!!!! That was incredible, what a great UBT.
Similar situation.
My ex cheated on me 2 years ago, pretty much coinciding with me getting diagnosed with breast cancer. Admittedly, the marriage was bad for years. After the birth of our daughter 8 years ago, he pretty much showed zero interest in me physically and he would never discuss why. He drank more than I liked and we fought often about it.
The year before he left, he would go to more and more happy hours with work colleagues. I never checked with who these colleagues were, but I would track where he was via the find my phone app to know when he was at the bar because for years I thought he was working late when he was actually at the bar. Once I popped in on one of his happy hours to discover he was sitting at the bar with a woman. I sat down and started chatting with them both. Had a drink. She seemed nice. I learned they had worked together 6 years earlier and had stayed in touch. he never had mentioned her to me. I made some comment during our talk that he didn’t make as much money as he should, meaning that for a VP he wasn’t paid enough for the amount of work he did. He came home from that happy hour very angry at me for embarrassing him in front of his friend.
As that year went on he removed himself more and more from our family. Missing dinners for happy hours. Never talking to us. Always needing to decompress after work. When I got diagnosed he didn’t care in the least. Told me it was a medical blip, but if it were him he would just walk into the woods and disappear and no one would care. He wouldn’t come to any appointments with me unless I requested. And I only did that twice.
It was after a chemo treatment that I discovered photos on his ipad. He had cheated on me with a work colleague. Not the woman I encountered at the bar, but an acquaintance of hers. I asked him to work on things with me since it was a pretty terrible time for him to leave, but after about a month he said he just couldn’t do it anymore. I had been monitoring his texts and knew he was still in contact with the woman, complaining about how boring his life was. So he left and moved in with his mom. About 5 months after he left he started dating yet another work colleague. This one was the best friend of the woman from the bar. Within a month he had her pregnant. Our divorce was final in Feb 2018. Their baby was born in May. They just announced that they are pregnant again due in March 2019.
All this just blows my mind. I’ve heard the OW say how he now understands what he has to be for his family. They are a team. He has told her what his faults were in the marriage and according to her he deserves to be happy, not do life penance for his actions. From my daughter’s accounts it seems like he is helping the OW out more than he ever did with me. They would both love if I did not exist and refuse to coparent with me. He has told my daughter that she is much better than I was.
Sometimes I sit back and am just amazed that all of this has happened in a 2 year period. And because they are both SO happy, everyone is just supposed to accept it and move on. It ridiculous on so many levels. Deep down I know they both suck, but it still hurts to see his get his happy family of four while my daughter and I get the shaft. Even worse is when I see him, her the new baby and my daughter together as a happy family. Ugh.
Wait…two babies under two? Oh THAT! Is karma!!!!!
Wow. He must really hate this new woman. You said your daughter is 8? In one decade you will be done with his sorry ass. You just get to be happy, and have too much champagne at her wedding, and be the cool Grams he hears about in another orbit. She has to deal with him, minimum, another 18 years come 2019, assuming she finally learns how to put in a diaphragm. He is actively working to set her up for a big, big, BIG fall.
They will fail. You know how I know? He said it himself; his life is “boring.” Kids are routine, and routine is borning. He is gonna get the itch again, and she being the OW will get no sympathy for knowingly marrying a philanderer.
Remember, you got the luggage; go use it!
Trust that they suck – all of them (well, except for the little one who have no choice). Seriously, they seem “happy” now but this is a man that will always be looking the that new high. If he couldn’t find enough goodness in himself to help his wife through a very difficult time, he is a true fuckwit and an overall horrible, horrible person. He has not changed!!
Stop looking at their supposed happiness. For him to move that fast signifies some type of character disordered. Oh, they seem happy right now but it will never last. He’s not the type of person that can feel that deeply. He will leave her at some point and move on again because he’s “bored”.
Say it with me – trust that they suck (repeat as often as necessary).
In addition, he has a better job with a huge raise. The OW makes a lot more money than me too. It seems like he has not only suffered almost zero consequences for his horrendous actions but upgraded his life.
CC, I’m so sorry. I understand what it feels like to see XH and whore get their “happily ever after” while not having any obvious consequences. My XH and his whore will have a baby this winter. I wasn’t able to conceive with him and am now past the point where I could have a baby (he always said he didn’t want kids and didn’t want to treat infertility). They have 2 incomes, I have one. I think we’re part of the group where consequences will take a long time to be felt by the cheaters. It hurts. I wanted karma to be epic and instant. Biblical! It didn’t happen. There is no justice.
My advice is to feel your pain. It’s real. Then focus your energy on you and your daughter. These punches in the gut will happen, though in time, they will hurt less. It’s been five years for me – I promise, it does get better – it just takes time.
So my new favorite quote and I do not know who said it, goes, “Growth is painful, Change is painful, but Nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” Chumps, when the disordered find each other that is justice and cause for celebration. Karma is that they are together. Don’t believe their lives are better; these people don’t change. Even when their lives look great, they are still a mess. My marriage was what everybody in my small community admired and wanted, but Fucktard was never the man, husband, or father he portrayed or one I dreamt he could be. Much like someone here posted, my “good husband/marriage” was all in my head. For many years, I wanted him to realize how good he had it. How lucky he was with us. When it fell apart, which it did spectacularly, I could look back at his choices and behavior (actions) during our years together and realize he was sabatoging our relationship the entire time we were together. Who knows what he was doing…. Looking back I understand now why I ignored the red flags, my gut, and why I spackled. I had an amazing imagination, attributed my morals to him, even when his actions communicated otherwise, was a bit naive and believed I could make anything work. Truth is that I was no more in control of that wreck than I was of stopping a freight train barreling through town. Trust they suck but also know they’ll never change. One only needs to look at the many celebrities and politicians in the news whose many stories reflect our own.
There is no justice …here. I hope that all cheaters are dangling over a lake of fire in purgatory so closely that their pubic hair catches ablaze.
I second that!
Their life is on fast forward and they are caught up in a whirl of see, we’re doing all the family things all together, right now! One born in May, second due next March! Sit and ponder on that for a while. She had one month ‘off’ before she got preggers again. And know it does happen. But these are not calm considered life choices. I’d say that she may decide to stay at home with two and then he’s going to be putting in the long hours at work, it’s gonna be stressful. She won’t be happy if he needs to go to the bar to decompress though,,will she will two under 2. Give it 3 years and see how it’s all going for them. She bought a lemon. Unfortunately she may not quite know it but if she’s friends with the bar fly she may gave known that he was a married man that fools around. You won the luggage he’s still a glitter-wrapped turd with toddlers.
If OW works and they have a baby and she’s pregnant, all of that is going to cause her a lot of stress which is going to make her cranky and do you really think your ex has the empathy to understand? Do you think he will do anything to try and lighten her load? He will resent her crankiness and become distant and, well, you know the rest.
You don’t mention that divorce is ongoing. If it isn’t, hire a lawyer and file now. If he got a raise that’s more money for you in the settlement. You also need to freeze assets and start keeping track of how much he is spending on Schmoopie and baby so you can get back “dissipation of funds”. Good luck.
Divorce is final since Feb. I got a pretty good settlement. He didn’t move in with her until maybe March? Can you imagine being pregnant with a man’s child and him not living with you? What lies he must have been telling. I can’t imagine how disordered she must be to rationalize getting pregnant with his baby, believing that divorce was a done deal (when I didn’t even file until she was 5 months pregnant), hiding that pregnancy from his family, etc.
What she does have going for her is that her parents are retired and live nearby so they can and do babysit often. She’s already had a kid free weekend by the time the baby was 3 months old.
P.S. he might be putting on a show of helping her out now, but that will just give him one more thing to resent later when he feels that she didn’t appreciate him enough. Eventually she will get bored of him and will fail to properly show her appreciation and worship him and make him central. Someday she will be kicking herself for not picking up on all of those red flags that should have been making it obvious that he isn’t good husband and family man material.
My ex has had a vasectomy and OW is 49 going on 50 and already has 5 kids so I would certainly hope he wouldn’t be stupid enough to get a reversal in order to further breed with this creature so I am fortunate that I am unlikely to have to deal with pain of his producing more children with another woman. I do feel the pain of those who have to witness the “happy blended family”. I have yet to see an actual photo of my kids with OW of any kind let alone the happy smiling kind, thank god. If such photos exist I will do my best to avoid seeing them because I know it would be difficult for me to bear. It was hard enough the first time I witnessed my youngest sitting next to Schmoopie at a school event “Don’t contaminate my son you filthy bitch”. What was even worse, however, was the other day when I saw one of her daughters in the back of his car when he came to pick up our sons. I don’t know why that bothered me so much. I certainly have nothing against her. Her family was busted up over all of this too. Maybe that is why I was bothered. Shouldn’t she dislike my ex for that or does she think him a hero for rescuing her mother from her dad (an admitted cheater himself and alleged alcoholic)? What must she think of me if she can accept him as a father figure in her life knowing what he did to his own family. It also bothers me that he is even making the effort to warm up to Schmoopie’s kids. Although he is still a dad to his own kids and spends three evenings and most of one weekend day with them each week, I suspect that he still spends more time around her kids than he does around his own, especially if her kids are also present when he is with his. This just doesn’t seem right. I don’t want me own kids to hate him as he is the only dad they have, but the idea of somebody else’s kids thinking he is a great man after what he did to me (and really his kids too) is bothersome.
Alot going on here and I feel for you. In response to your post, I would ask you “but what’s going on in your life?” You write all about his life, but what about you? The bigger and more meaningful you make your life, the less ALL of this matters. Every minute you spend thinking about the details of his life is a minute you are not growing yours. Best of luck.
I know this advice is kindly meant and no doubt true. But, it always feels like a chastisement — grief -shaming, as it were — when some well-intentioned person tells me to stop thinking about x’s life and to make mine bigger and better.
Yes, I spend almost every ounce of energy trying to improve myself, my children’s lives, our lot in life. I don’t need to hear that I’m doing it wrong when I occasionally stop and admit that thoughts of him and his seemingly-joyful life cross my mind sometimes and make me blue.
Agreed. This is our safe place. I also fake it on the outside do to the compassion fatigue I sense from my family and friends. If I even bring up my ex my brother says to me, “Head up, eyes forward” and he changes the subject. I know he means well but it shows he doesn’t want to hear it anymore cause he has moved on!
I think the reality is, as mentioned above by AnnieW, is that you have to “fake it til you make it.” It will likely be years before meh is reached. I know I will never be completely ok for as long as the OW is in the picture. A huge trauma took place against you that upended your whole life, disrespected your dignity, and sought to kill your spirit (self-esteem and self-image). Every time you witness something, it is a trigger. Of course, it’s going to cause a flood of emotions when you observe small seemingly intimate moments that is energy that was stolen from you and your family . Welcome to PTS land. I’m still working on trying to manage those triggers.
That’s just it. I shouldn’t be bothered by any of this anymore as I do have plenty going on in my own life to keep me occupied and plenty of more loving and meaningful relationships in my life as well, but I still struggle not to be bothered by the way in which I was devalued, betrayed and discarded. Everyone who is not my therapist and not CN would think I have totally moved on. I feel like a bit of a fake myself though as so many people applaud my resilience when in reality I am not over it yet, just better at not letting it show to everyone around me.
Sounds like me. “Fake it ‘til you make it’. Outside coping well, inside a miserable mess. Reading on here helps with perspective and I need to allow myself the time to heal.
“My leaving was just a tad bit more complicated than just I wasn’t appreciated.
‘It also was because I like to f*ck around.’
Can we all laugh at how this old guy is starting over with a new baby! Lolzzzz. Babies are work! They demand things. For years!! There’s his karma 😀 he’ll lose interest and cheat again.
That’s what I was thinking…he just set up another franchise he’s gonna abandon. Poor kid.
“So two years ago my husband of 25 years left me for his technician, immediately moved her in, got her pregnant and they are now living their happy life with a 17-month old, while I struggle.”
Two years = 24 months. 17 month old baby + 40 week pregnancy – schtupping and impregnating her before starting the divorce process. He got her pregnant right off of the bat, didn’t he? Neither one of them had the brains to use birth control apparently.
I rather doubt he meant to get her pregnant and now (then) he was dragging out the divorce in order to not marry Schmoopie. I hope the two of them are utterly miserable. I hope the baby is well-loved though. Poor kid really picked two shitty parents!
Having a baby initially is full of kibbles. He’s getting all sorts of attention and gifts. Everybody oos and ahs. She’s probably doing all the work, so he’s putting in minimal effort.
She’s also stuck. So very, very stuck. It is a very vulnerable position for a woman to be in: postpartum, a less than ideal situation to bring a child into the world, likely now dependent on the man financially. I’m not saying this for anyone to feel sorry for her but to provide some context for why this woman needs to keep up the facade of happiness. If she doesn’t want to be abandoned and left with this baby to fend for herself, she needs to hang on to your husband. For as long as she is dependent on him, she will feed him kibbles. Lots of kibbles. No complaining, lowered expectations, everything is great. “Just, please don’t leave.”
How long do you think she’ll last before she starts to make demands? How long will he last when those demands are made? When he’ll actually have to do work for that child? Deal with tantrums and sickness?
Nope, let them have their fake, misplaced happiness. Be grateful that you’re no longer the one who is stuck. She’s got the losing bet being stuck with him. You’ve got the winning bet because you’re betting on you. Bet that you can get this settlement done. Bet that you’ll keep your son safe. Bet that you’ll have a more peaceful life without the loser. Bet that it will start to matter less what this idiot and his adultress do. Feel sorry for that baby.
I’ve written before about what I believe real love to be. Tt’s not my belief alone, but the perspective of my faith, however it seems to resonate with those who are or are not religious. This is not real love. Real love comes from God – and so it must be based in that which is good. “Love” that comes from lies, deceit and betrayal is not from God. It is fake. It’s a stinky swamp. These idiots my want to flood the swamp with fresh water in the hopes of transforming it into a beautiful lake, but the at the base of this lake it will still be stinky sludge.
When we lose our spouses, the biggest challenge is trying to figure out who we are as single people. I refuse to say who I am “alone” for I am not alone; it is about trying to figure out who I am as a single person, something I haven’t been in 15 years. Bet on you. The fabulous single you that you are to become. Try every flavour of ice cream or wine variety and figure out what single you likes. Single you is going to love life, love others, attract good to you. Single you is going to be sane, responsible, moral and strong. Bet on her so often, you won’t have time to pay attention to that supposed greener grass your idiot moved onto (remember that even mowed weeds look like nice green grass).
Too true and I hope Perplexed is in the Magical Land of Meh!
Regarding the UBT translation of this cheater history rewrite,
Anyone else’s cheater reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown? It reads like the perfect napalm in reconstructing the cheater narrative. For mentally healthy people, it is a good read.
Yesssss. I got a lot of long texts about being vulnerable and how he wanted to change his life and dare greatly and live wholeheartedly. He was STILL secretly fucking the OW that week. Wholeheartedly, I’m sure.
Ugh. Sorry. ????
Regarding CL’s comment, “He’s happy because he’s about an inch deep”…
While XH always fancied himself to be a emotionally and psychologically savvy, “deep and old soul who understands people to their core”, our marriage counselor saw right through that bullshit and said to me, “Don’t believe that crap! XH’s about an inch deep… very superficial… his depth extends only to himself”.
People who assert “but I’m in a very good place right now” usually are NOT in a very good place right now. That’s the kind of thing you might say to a close friend in a “how’re things going with you” conversation and mean it, but in almost every other context…not so much
This.
I laugh when they have to make a point of saying they are sooooo happy, or post happy pics. It’s all a farce.
Don’t believe the hype. How many times have we all been shocked when people’s happy family image is shown to be an act.
These miserable cheating cu*ts will never be happy. But if chumps play their cards right we sure will be wiser for it and more at peace.
My cheater told me he was happy…and changed. LMHO! Yet all signs show that he is not.
Don’t believe the hype. Don’t drink the cool aid.
Carry on smartly!
So many of you have written about being dumped after 20 something years for a younger woman. I would loooove to see those couples in about 10/15 years. My neighbor married an older man. She was not the ow. He died last year. She is still active and floundering. She said she devoted 1/3 of her marriage to a man slowly fading away. It stopped being the love of the century. He was a very nice man but whatever romance had started the marriage was long over before he died because she became his nurse.
I never get tired of seeing Chump Lady dissect a conversation or letter to put things in perspective. It always makes me feel better about getting away from the madness and cruelty and moving on to better things in life. Hugs…
What is it with cheaters minimizing and rephrasing their behavior? They simultaneously act entitled and practically virtuous for having an affair while also painting their actions as neutral or passive.
My ex cheater wouldn’t even refer to himself even being present when discussing his cheating behavior. It was all sterilized and distanced from himself.
“Before everything went wrong…”
“I won’t discuss what’s happened in the past…”
“I needed to feel good about myself. It just got out of hand.”
“I need to move forward and stop this unhelpful cycle.”
The little turd.
In fact, he painted it like he was a victim who was left starving in the cold, if it weren’t for his kindly aunt and uncle taking him in.
“If it wasn’t for them, I’d be out in the street. I have no money, no education, and no job. They are my saviors.”
Saviors? He did this to himself! He dumped ME and he’s making it sound like he was a devoted lover who was heartlessly discarded.
Why not be loud and proud about their choices? It just proves to me that they do know that what they did was evil and selfish, but they just don’t want to be accountable for their behavior because they know they have earned one hell of a punishment. They deserve to be where my ex is now: destitute and sponging off relatives who know and disapprove of the cheating behavior.