What Got You Unstuck?
For today’s Friday challenge, I’m wondering about the long-suffering chumps out there and your hopium habits — what got you unstuck?
I have some sympathy for the emotionally paralyzed, especially the limbo when you have Naugahyde remorse and think you’re really in reconciliation. You ride that unicorn carousel for awhile. I get it.
I realize that not everyone leaves cheaters. Not everyone gets a choice — they’re left. And sadly, in some cases, many stay years longer than they should, even when it’s obviously hopeless. The cheater has checked out for their Schmoopie, they’ve admitted they’re gay, they’ve destroyed you financially, they’re threatening to run with the kids to another state.
What made you finally act in your best interest?
What got you unstuck?
Was it a badass sister driving down from another state to drag you by the ear to a lawyer? Was it some final indignity that pushed you over the edge? An epiphany?
Or did you watch it all unfold like a bad dream and didn’t put up much of a fight? Could anyone have gotten through to you?
The point of this blog and this community is to UN-stick the newbie chumps. To overturn the RIC assumption of Reconciliation Uber Alles. Maybe we can figure out the pressure points together and save some folks a lot of unnecessary pain.
TGIF!
I’ve run a similar Friday challenge a few years ago. This one goes out to the new crop of newbies.
Chump Lady, I remember vividly January 1, 2018 when STBX looked me in my tear filled eyes and said “I am not going to change, I don’t see the need to change.”
I swear that comment freed me. He wasn’t going to change. So I did.
My STBX said
you will either trust me or you dont
3 weeks after he cheated on my for the second time.
That was the thing that snapped me out of my funk and I said I have to get out.
Got an apartment 3 weeks later.
There were a couple of biggies. The first was, “I am going to keep seeing my friends…” (no problem with that from me, btw), ” … and I am going to keep seeing my ‘**SPECIAL friend**’. ” (“special” friend is her code for AP). The second was at the MC. MC asked, “How do you want this to go or how do you see this going ?” My response was, “I want to remain in the marriage, 100%.” My wife’s reply ? “I see us headed to separation and divorce.”. I realized then on a deep level, her heart was not in reconciliation at all and never had been. She was just going thru MC for image management. I had known about her affairs for 6 months at that point, but it took until then for me to finally begin to withdraw emotionally for my own sanity and mental health. All this after 31 years married and raising 6 kids together.
The final Indignity was learning that he did the Same thing in his first marriage, ugh
Frosting on the cake was his line in 2015 “ you can’t put my dick in your purse”
Yeah buddy, don’t want to. Ha.
Left a cheater, gained an amazing, healthy, adventurous life, now out 4 years
Love my freedom!
Join me!
Xoxo
What a blessing he admitted it so there could be no more hopium. Mine swore over and over that he’d change, but although he was no longer cheating or drinking, he was still lying and being mean. So I realized he didn’t ever intend to change and that if he was still behaving like a cheater, he’d eventually cheat again.
I asked my therapist (in a discussion about Kobe Bryant), whether cheaters could change. Her reply was a riddle: “How many therapists does it take to change a cheater? Only one, if the cheater wants to change.”
And that has to be about more than words. Some people will claim to want to change, some people will go to church, some people will even go to therapy. But change involves humility. It involves hard work. It involves the ability to take criticism. To take responsibility. To see yourself as a work in progress. To value other people. To want to reciprocate when others contribute to your life. To be patient and persistent in behaving in ways that build trust. Where chumps mess up is in believing the words and imagining that the words REQUIRE the chump to forgive AND forget. All that leads to is the whining complaint: “You still don’t trust me,” as if you can get over a betrayal in a day or a week or a year.
This – right here. ????
Spot on LovedaJackass, spot on.
After nearly 30 years with a man who cheated on me from the beginning, he finally said, “I feel nothing for you, physically or emotionally.” That was it.
Him asking me why I did notbwqsh his dish in the sink and then proceed to hit me with my phone charger wire. I then was told by my multiple neighbors he has been bringing a woman in my house for all 15 yrs of our marriage. after returning from the police station he packed up his things and left and never looked back for the two boys nor me.
My Ex wasn’t very creative. I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Also, “the spark is gone and I don’t think it’s coming back.”
That’s when I knew there was nothing to work with. See, after nearly 25 years marriage, 28 years together, I expected what we had was far superior to “spark” while he just wanted sparks. He also told me I didn’t fulfill him, and I told him it wasn’t my responsibility to fulfill him, that’s an inside job.
Susan – me too.
I Got:
I don’t love you.
I’ve never loved you.
I’ve never been romantically attracted to you.
After 36 years. That was it for me.
Cruel bastard
Fucker, just reinvent the history buddy!
Please know what you did and WHO you were!
????????????
I got “I’m not attracted to you and haven’t been for 20 years.”
Nice.
“I’m not enamored with you”
“I’ve never respected you”
“You don’t bring me any value”
These didn’t really bother me then and they tell me all I need to know about him now.
I’m just sad that he’s doing the same things to my son & daughter. It’s all about him and his Mrs. Howorker, who’s so happy being married after walking 52 years on this earth.
I had EXACTLY the same experience. Four years of lies, affairs, and me eating myself up. Four years of me living in such a state of constant anxiety. Three weeks after he was a pallbearer for my Daddy who we watched die slowly and horrifically of cancer. I catch him in the bar with a 25 year old coworker all over her.
He came home and told me he would never stop cheating, he had cheated on every relationship he’d ever been in, he couldn’t change. Standing there with his hands in his pockets smirking at me like the teenager he was when I met him twenty years ago. I was literally in the floor. And something just….snapped. Like I could FEEL it. Like a rubber band. It was like an angel came down and released me, and I thought, I’m done crying over this motherfucker.
Now I’ve cried many times since because I let myself be treated that way for so long, but when I think of him….I know he’s going to make his own karma with his own miserable self-loathing choices. And I smile.
Yes mine finally said, after much gaslighting, lying, and stonewalling, that he didn’t think he wanted to be married to me. Tick 25 years wasted on an asshole. I was falling apart but that statement with the cruel actions made me pull on my big girl pants and see a lawyer.
About a week after he admitted to sleeping with skankenstein we decided to work it out, but he continued to treat me like crap. Distant, cold, etc. I kept begging him for affection and reassurance. (so chumpy…) Finally we got into a big fight over the phone when he said he “He just wasn’t comfortable showing me affection right now.” I told him to get his ass to the house as quickly as he could, get his shit and get out. The next time I saw him was in court.
What finally got me unstuck was realizing – when he told me he was now dating the OW – that I felt the most overwhelming sense of relief.
Lightness. And very little pain. It was all over AT LAST.
I actually felt like I had woken up from a dream – but one of those dreams you are glad to wake up from.
I had a similar experience. When I caught my ex having an affair, I thought, “This is it, this is my out!” That was telling.
Same! Whenever I was happy and content he’d come pick a fight about my word choice, or my tone, or point out some other way I’d failed to support him in exactly the way he wanted. I was there for him and his family, little thanks I got for it. For some time I realized that he was much more burden than blessing, but thought it was grief related to his father passing. When I realized he’d been cheating (even when visiting his dying father), all the Laziness and derogatory nonsense made sense – discard phase! He wanted for us to go to couples therapy, but I was already at the point where I actively disliked him BEFORE I knew about the Craigslist hookups and I was done!
On the subject of picking fights–A huge light bulb moment for me that I want to share.
I told my therapist about all the bizarre fight-picking over absolutely noting. Me apologizing profusely to keep the peace, taking responsibility (you guys know the drill…) then him not accepting the apology and going on-and-on berating me more or quickly switching to a different grievance (what I now know is word-salad.) She told me picking fights over nothing is VERY typical of these idiots and they do it to try to create valid (in their mind) reasons for doing the awful things they are doing to you; to justify it and validate that you deserve to be cheated on/lied to/ abused/ raged at… They also typically tell the AP they’re trying to lay all these same grievances.
Maybe others put this all together on their own. I didn’t and this revelation was huge for me! it explained so much (and helped me track times over the past 25 years that he had side whores.) After more investigating, hateful confessions, and his colleagues telling me all the back stories after the divorce, (he is universally hated by pretty much everyone at work that he’s not sleeping with because he’s such a condescending abusive A-hole at work too) the pattern of this behavior was astonishingly accurate in pointing to when the affairs were. This doesn’t include the also constant F-ing strangers habit he also had of course… God, I am thankful to have that idiot out of my life! Sometimes revising my history like this really makes me feel better about my current life. I’m struggling so much financially, but it’s all so much better than having that deranged A-hole in my life.
Thank u my husband also knit picks everything , The forks have spots on them why didn’t I try them better , and on and on Talking sort of under his breath load enough for u to hear , but he’s really talking to himself , I to use to apologize just to keep the pease , now I don’t say a word I just try to fix what ever he’s trying to pick a fight over , He’s trying to justify he’s cheating once again or the guilt he’s feeling Anyway thank u
Beenchumped, thank you!
I’m seven months into a nasty divorce—after a 25 year marriage. What caused me to turn my back wasn’t the discovery of cheating (I was drinking from the fountain of denial), it was the unbelievable dickishness of my ex. For a year prior, I’d endured put-downs, smears, taunts, gas-lighting, and something close to abandonment in the home. I sought therapy, discovered some self-worth, and one day, when he told me that I was the cause of all his unhappiness—- and that if I’d only work harder on improving myself, he’d be a lot happier, some weird auto-pilot kicked in and I went to an attorney that day. I realized I’d rather be alone than look on the face of an a-hole every single day.
Fast-forward five months, and it all starts to come in to focus. A younger sailing partner who he guaranteed was a “die-hard” lesbian, trips away, not coming home on a few nights and telling me I should be grateful that he spent the night at a buddies because he didn’t drive drunk. Yes, chumps, I was the empress of denial because I never dug, never confronted, and made only minor noises about decency in a relationship.
He even threw a party at our house And invited her. He was so excited to introduce us, he told me. Maybe her passion for life would inspire me. So the AP came, bringing presents for my children. She gave them her phone number, took selfies with them, and began texting them. On the same day she met them for the first time!!! “But they all love sailing!” He said later. “Plus, she’s a lesbian so you don’t need to worry!” I gave a chumpy reply of “Oh, okay then,” and shives the five-alarm warning bells into my deep, dark, and very quiet place of denial.
All those memories, and many more —came rushing back to me during me time apart from him. I checked phone records—they were texting each other 1400 times a month. Pics back and forth. So sweet. And all the while, he would come home and insult me.
Yes, I drank the cool-aid. But that behavior you speak of is so very telling. I know of two other women that appeared and disappeared, along with the abusive mental crap. It’s a giveaway for sure.
I hate sharing how very, very chumpy I was. But that’s how it was. I left an a-hole and discovered that I left a cheater in the process. And that is how I ultimately ended up on chumplady, straight-up soul medicine for this chump!!
I just want to ad that most of the men( and an awful lot of women ) at these sailing clubs are blatantly cheating.
I sail. I love to crew with a couple of very no nonsense boat owners.
But I stopped because it got so triggering for me. So many old fools with money sleeping with younger starry eyed wannabe crew members. The wives never coming out or quietly making lunch back at the club house.
It seemed that excessive drinking and whoring around was the norm, not the exception.
Mine did the same. 1,000 of texts and emails and on interoffice pop up messaging.
Please go for 100/0 in settlement and negotiate down. Dontt start at 50/50. Think about you having full custody, him paying for counseling and transportation to and from, kids having no contact with OW/skank til they say they are ready. Him paying for college, sports, camps, clubs, uniforms, him putting and keeping kids as beneficiaries on life insurance, alimony for full marriage time, (increasing as his salary increases), he picks them up fr2im your house and drops them back off… make lists and shoot for the moon in the negotiations. I so wish i had.
SmarterNow–Yes!!!!!!
I wish I had too. My struggle now is just this. I feel like the one last thing we can take from the “marriage” is a fair settlement. It’s crushing when you can’t even get that.
These dicks are the same black soul creatures! Our stories are so similar, except the texts were 4,000 a month–I just don’t know how they managed to work. We’re chumps because we are KIND!!!! They suck.
Stay strong, fight for you and don’t take a settlement if your gut is screaming not to.
Three years of poverty and two kids in tow for me but damn you can’t put a price on peace of mind.
This fight-picking is part of the devaluation. They need a faux reason for what they do.
Same here Beenchumped. A furious argument over nothing then allows them to storm out (and go to their side whore), but it also keeps you on the back foot. Their constant chaos means you can never see the wood for the trees. So glad I’m away from that asshole!
For me it took a symphony of events. My doctor of 20 years said to me casually “I’ve been looking into the HIV rates of sex workers in San Francisco. Let’s talk about what you need to do so your children still have a mother.” + The evidence in my planner that he was lying to me. Someone at a Posa meeting had told me what gaslighting was and told me to write stuff down. The lie was literally in front of me. When confronted with the lie he admitted to using a prostitute. I knew in that moment the only way to save my kids and I was to get him out. I tried to live on hopium til I literally couldn’t.
My doctor was treating me for HPV, I didn’t even know I had it, he never told me it was a sexually transmitted disease. I was crying as he cauterized my cervix (without any pain relief), and he slapped my thigh and said “You got this because you’re promiscuous, I can tell”. So, maybe her doctor did think she was a sex worker. This was in the late 80s, I think doctors are better now, but all my docs are women – so WAY better..
Iamchump,
I am sorry that you were disrespected by a male practitioner. In my case, the worst practitioners in terms of making erroneous assumptions and saying condescending things have been women.
That SOB gave you HIV???? And your doctor of 20 years implied you were a sex worker????
WTF????
no, her doctor was warning her to try and keep her safe from HIV, from the partner. He may have saved her life.
No, I think her doctor shrewdly figured out that her ex was seeing prostitutes and he didn’t want her to contract ant STI like HIV.
DDay thru the divorce remains a tornado in my mind. I was hospitalized twice, found medication to get me on my feet and, after my first disastrous lawyer, let my second barracuda lawyer take over.
Since Dday I’ve moved 4 times and had 2 different jobs in an effort to find my “place” in the world.
What finally got me unstuck was time. And determination to thrive if I was going to survive.
Time has been my savior.
Everything changes over time – your body, your mind, your perspective, the people in your life and your outlook.
Always keep fighting to find your best life and the best version of you and find peace thru the gift of time.
Oh, and Chump Lady and everyone here is a must ????
Rebecca
I feel for you as I moved 5 times in 4 years after dday.
I wish for you peace and safety.
Xo
Rebecca, thank you for your explanation of The Value of Time. Beautiful.
At first, Time is your hated Enemy. Later, Time is the necessity for survival. Slowly, Time becomes your best friend. And near the end, Time reveals itself as your beloved heroine.
I’m just beginning to embrace the Friendship of Time. ????????????????????????????
Good morning Rebecca????????????. I’m so grateful for you!
Jan 2019. He had put a padlock on our bedroom door and informed me that his girlfriend was coming over to stay for the weekend with him and our son. I could leave if i didn’t like it. Naturally since this was his house too, this was completely acceptable. NOT! I filled all of our heater vents with dryer sheets (she was allergic to everything), rewashed every blanked I could find in fabric softener, went to my mom’s and called to make the appointment.
I know exactly what got me unstuck. After 26 years of marriage, 3 d-days, marriage counseling, short separations, and many threats of divorce I stayed. Then D-day #4 occurred, there was a year between #3 and 4, so I felt like a fool. This time I “knew” I was going to divorce. Many of my friend hoped yet doubted that this time I was serious. Then I heard that one of my friend’s husbands said, “Nothing is going to change in that house, she will never leave him.” That was 3 years ago and my motivation!! I left and have never looked back.
Sometimes negative voices can motivate you, I wanted to prove I could do it.
My uncle always gives me real advice. I was over at their house telling them how my fiance seemed different after her recent work trip. There was a bit of trickle truth going on, ( she hadn’t met someone but then admitted she did but nothing happened ) so I booked a therapy session for us but it wasn’t for a week.
My uncle, straight up said, “she cheated on you and now she’s lying to you. Is this really who you want to spend your life with? You’ll always be wondering if she’s lying about everything. There are some serious character flaws here. I think it’s best if you just walk away.”
Best advice! I did walk away and eventually found out she had cheated ( the OW wrote all the details on a blog ). I’m finally on the cusp of meh. Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories.
I was unstuck by discovering a second, ongoing affair while in counseling with my cheater ex-wife to try to recover from the affair I knew about (I learned later of the others). Even I knew that left me nothing to work with. Even my very Catholic mother, fearful for my eternal soul, knew that left me nothing to work with. Thank God for the decisiveness of that (nearly literal) clusterf*ck.
When she said she wanted a temporary separation because it can help a relationship. After having done absolutely nothing to improve the relationship, quite the contrary.
Separation yes, temporary, not a chance.
For anyone unsure of these things; temporary separation = I want to go play around with others while you take care of the kids and bills.
Robert that is exactly right! No Change, attempted this “strategy” to save our marriage. I actually considered it for a few days. Came to my senses and said no.
If you want to unclog the toilet you don’t just use another shitter too fix it! Wow typing that makes me realize that was her strategy.
Also in respondIng to the post. Ironically my corner turned toward my own recovery and letting go, when NoChange added a new married man to the circus. I then realized it had nothing to do with me or our marriage. It sure hell had nothing to do with love. Dang thinking now it may have been the hammer she threw at me when my back was turned. Luckily for me No Change’s aim is as bad as her fidelity!
It was all her. Now every day brings more gratitude that I escaped at 54.
When women are physically abusive, they are more likely than men to use an object. Pots, pans, knives, car keys, beer coolers, the TV remote, whatever happens to be at hand. Don’t discount or minimize the fact that you were physically abused just because a woman did it. If women really want equality, society has to admit that women can choose to do evil just like men can. I am a woman who fled a man who was emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive. I know men who, because their abusers are female, didn’t have the validation or the access to resources that I did. Chumplady.com and Shrink4Men.com are great resources. Take care of yourself.
Thank you Robert, Exactly. Same here. He called it “The Healing Separation”, after a book title (which I read cover to cover, but he didn’t). Nothing changed except more agony for me and unbeknownst to chumpy me at the time, he was screwing around. What’s worse is that we told the kids it would be a healing separation (me following his cues). I swear he was smirking all the way through it while I died inside.
When we told the kids that Daddy was moving out and we wouldn’t be married anymore. They were 8 and 6. He told them that he would be moving out….slowly… so that it would be “easier” on them. They sobbed.
Up to that point, I’d been pick me dancing. I had been reasonable and easy to get along with and kind in my marriage. We rarely fought about anything and I thought we were in it for the long haul.
After that, I took him aside in the kitchen and told him that he would pack his shit and get the fuck out of my house by the end of the week. I was full-on Bitch after that.
This makes me so happy ❤️
Full on bitch, lol kingsui. Ex was pretending to be good daddy and husband until the kids went to bed then spending nights in the basement on the phone with OW. I cane home from shopping one evening and texted him to come outside. I rolled down the window and simply said “get the fuck out.” He snidely asked “where am I supposed to go?” And I said “to your mother’s, I hear there’s a vacancy.” She had died two weeks before and her condo was vacant. And he hadn’t shed one tear for her either.
Standing ovation for Kintsugi!
I salute thee! Yes I think he decided he would move out slowly to not upset out daughter. Aka stayed in the house being frankly abusive to me. Then I found out what was going on and confronted him about the affair. Left very quickly after that. I didn’t have a chance to be stuck but believe me every ounce of what I felt for him just went. I was so utterly disgusted at what he said to me vs the truth. I just had to think of him at the front row at my dads funeral playing the caring partner thinking oh good he is dead now we can finally move on with my move out plan. That got me un-stuck emotionally VERY rapidly.
It’s amazing that when we react to this extreme pain and go nuts, we’re being a Bitch. But these Assholes try to fuck up our life just move on like it’s another day. Good for you for being a Full On Badass
Yep, we’re the bad guys for not putting up with their terrible behaviour for some reason. Uh, what!?!?!
You need the applause of a whole stadium. GOOD FOR YOU!!!????????????????????????
After my 3rd DDay, I finally knew he wasn’t going to change, in fact, had planned to leave me. I could see in my mind him finally leaving me, telling me he din’t know why, he just had to do it, this after I would be old and drained of any life. I knew I had to go, but what finally caused me to file for divorce was the day I realized he was becoming abusive to my youngest son, having already run off my oldest, I had enough. He tried to threaten and bully me, his usual tactics, but I told him to leave and I was filing for divorce. I never felt so strong, so free, so utterly fearless as he raged, threatened, then pleaded and cried, then bullied some more. I just kept repeating “It’s over, please leave.” I cherish that day.
As if cheating and lying weren’t enough, it was the fact that he continued to do that while crying and begging not to get divorced and that he wanted to work things out. But Actions speak louder than words. So Finally seeing him hand in hand with another woman on the street – that was the final nail in the coffin. Couldn’t turn back after that.
Also knowing that there is life possible after him and the fact that with him things would never be the same. Atleast without him I knew what I had. An amazing family, strong support system, communities such as this, and time. Time is the ultimate healer.
Here’s to living the best life possible.
Being expected to pay for everything.
They pay for ow, drugs, alcohol etc.
You pay the bills etc the boring things.
Kids, birthday Xmas, school stuff.
Being expected to feel sorry for ow.
But do they feel sorry for you, hell no!
Yes he asked me to feel sorry for her.
Beginning of the end eh?
Ended nearly 7 years ago
When I was pregnant with my second child, and he was on a “business trip”, I found the secret cache of emails. At least four women, but one he was SUPER into. He swore it was just a friendship, tried for months to get me to accept it, even made me go on a retreat with her. I put my foot down and he stopped speaking to her. But asked me if he could start again, every six months. For years. All while flying off the handle if I ever called it an “emotional affair.” His disrespect, irresponsibility, and recklessness grew. He pushed us into extreme debt (my lawyer calls this “voluntary impoverishment and financial abuse). Then he started up with a new woman, one who convinced him that his obviously worsening mental disorder was just dandy. He scared my child one day. I told him to make a choice. He did and now I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life and try to protect the children and what little assets I have left from their lunacy, spending sprees. I wish I’d listened to chump lady years ago. I read her, but I was pregnant and in love and thought, oh, it’s okay, it was “only” an EA and I have a unicorn.
A brave and honest admission. Lots of us started out thinking we had unicorns. Sometimes just admitting that can be the wake up call.
Mine was – The day I was nursing him to health after a minor surgery and he accidentally left his computer open! I discovered that the last ten months of his uncertainty about our relationship had a name and she was younger than our son. I discovered that the therapy I had suffered through was really a pick me dance I didn’t even know I had a competitor in.
I don’t know why we do the things we do but I made him a chicken pot pie took it upstairs to him and told him when he was done with it he better get his girlfriend to come pick him up and take care of him for the rest of his convalescence. He knew I knew and it was over.
I told him he had 24 hours to get out of the house. His world was about to explode, mine already had, but he still ate the chicken pot pie. That said everything.
They do that. Where a regular person would throw up (or at least lose all appetite) and suffer sleepless nights, the disordered eat just fine and sleep like babies.
I thought you were gonna throw it in his face. But too funny. He ate the pot pie. What a turd
I was stone cold abandoned never seen or heard from him since D day he just packed and left so that really got me unstuck i had nothing to work with
karenb6702,
I, too, am among the abandoned. The year before, however, my ex convinced me to move to another state where we could build our dream retirement home. Two months before we were to move into that home, while living in a rental, me with no job, he came to me and said, “We need to talk. You aren’t happy and don’t love me.” Bitch-slapped by my husband of 25 years out of nowhere! I said, “I am happy. I do love you.” His reply, “No you don’t. This can’t go on. I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Ahhh…”Who is it?” I asked. “There is no one,” he said. But, sure enough, there was his 28 year old coworker that he spoke of a bit too frequently for my liking. I told him to pack a bag and leave the rental. I told him I did not want to see his face. He did. Our rental contract was up in two months. I had no job, no home, and had two dogs. Rentals are impossible with pets and often not nice. He went off to temporarily live in a luxurious executive apartment rental and see the other woman. I had to find a lawyer, find a home, find a job, and clean all of our stuff out of two 10’x20′ storage units. He refused to help me. (After I had packed it all from our last house on my own.) I took what I wanted, left the rest to him. I believe he sold everything that was his in those units and moved to Houston with Schmoopie – him 50, her 28. I have never laid eyes on him since that night, February 16, 2017 at 5 PM. With dating, we had been together 29 years. Bestest of friends, I thought. Got along like thieves, I thought. But, no…he did not love me anymore. As February 16, 2020 comes around, so does the pain all over again. I am stronger now. I am nearing Meh but it’s still just a bit out of my reach. Abandonment is unbelievably painful…
So sorry…we were best friends as well. How is this possible? Sometimes I think that’s the part that hurts the most. Sending a big hug your way!
You are not alone. I have read the Vicki Stark books and it’s amazing how many women have been abandoned. Typically, out of the blue and husband leaves for the affair partner. My wasband did this but the howorker is 11 years older with kids in college while ours are in elementary school. The author has yearly retreats in Sedona and Montreal. I’m hoping to make it to the fall one in Montreal.
Badmovie19,
I’m so sorry you are in the same boat as us other abandoned spouses. It is a pain like no other. And, I think we tend to try to untangle the skein for longer because it’s just such a tremendous blow to us. I read Vicki’s book and would like to make one of the retreats some time. Her book and ChumpLady’s book helped me immensely – I probably would not walk this earth at this time if I had not found those books. SO MANY friends and family don’t understand that this was true, instantaneous abandonment – that it came from nowhere – that one night he was telling me how much he loved me and the next, that he was no longer in love with me. And then he was gone. Just gone. 29 years together and ‘poof’ – gone. I have tried to learn the psychology behind how someone can do that to another person, but it just won’t stick for me. I guess because I could never do that to someone – even my worst enemy – without feeling shame and guilt. It’s so hard to accept that what we thought we had, we never did.
Badmovie19 and Duped, right there with you in the struggle. Abandonment is hardcore.
(((Duped))) (((Badmovie19))).
Duped — I’m so sorry. Please plan something(s) for February 16. I can tell you not to think of Ex, but this is your journey to Meh. If he does get some head space, plan ahead with some distractions. Yesterday was my Ex’s 55th Bday and I planned a busy day/evening–it helped tremendously.
My therapist told me this week that betrayal is the most painful grief someone can endure. Add abandonment and it’s unbelievably painful…….Hugs!!!!!!
It’s horrible! It makes me feel even worse than people that were cheated on but had their partners asking them back. He was my best friend, we had sex 4 times a week and he NEVER looked back! Even the things he did when he discarded me when I look back I can see that he knew from the beginning that this was it. ANd I still lived 2 years thinking that he had some women here and there only to find out he was with the OW, this unattractive 30 something from a broken family that does not talk to her. People tell me I’m very pretty, wonderful mother, etc. It did not matter! I keep thinking, will this ever go away? Even people that in the beginning would tell me he would regret, now tell me that he is gone. And, although It’s painful as hell, my denial finally went away. I guess I was holding on to this denial to make me feel less pain, but in the end, 3 years of my life that I can’t get back giving him power over me when he had moved on a long time ago. I wonder if cases were the cheater leaves his wife and kids for another woman are that common compared to the ones that ask for forgiveness and stay. I feel cursed and abandoned.
Thank you, NotbLUEinTC. So glad you kept busy on dingbat’s 55th birthday and that it helped you! I will try like heck to not think of February 16th as an anniversary of anything but freedom anymore…this is the third anniversary and time to put a positive spin on it. In reality, I realized I’m stronger than I ever thought I was/am and I no longer have to put up with those things he did that irritated me. I truly am free.
Mine abruptly moved out, taking only some clothes. He had the nerve to ask if we had spare bedding he could take. This while still denying the affair. I’m so glad I said no to the bedding! Anyway, over some weeks he would come and go, grabbing a few more items each visit. He seemed surprised when the day came that I sent him in the direction of the garage, telling him there was nothing of “his” in the house. I told him he was never to set foot in my bedroom or closet again. Everything of his had been bagged or boxed and placed in the garage.
The divorce took more than two years, and yet it still took nearly 5 months longer for him to empty his stuff from the garage.
Mine just left too. We had two little kids, he came home from a trip, said he had been “thinking about asking for a divorce for a long time”, treated me like garbage for next few days, I took the kids to my moms and he moved out. Never glanced back, not even once. However I found CL and CN in the first few days and that gave me the strength to not pick me dance, not stalk him, not beg, etc. I divorced him and got the kids most of the time and a decent settlement. Fuck him.
Mine was similar, unexpectedchumpiness! Went on a guys trip to Texas, came back giving me the cold shoulder. Finally got it out of him that he had been ‘unhappy for years, I didn’t support him’ and that he was thinking about divorce.
I played the pick me game for weeks, not realizing that’s what I was doing. I thought I was just working to fix our marriage, not competing against a woman that lived 9 hours away. He claimed she was just a friend helping him with a business idea. And that they just ‘happened’ to get together RIGHT after he walked out.
He ended up leaving for work one day, texted me that he needed space. He never came home again, other than here and there getting a few things and dropping off our daughters every other weekend. This was last May. I’m finally starting a contested divorce based on abandonment.
Had to give lots of info about the OW to my attorney. It has me sick to my stomach as he completely denies she had anything to do with him leaving and he just checked out years ago.
When mine slithered back to the States to be with his latest twu wuv he also abandoned the home he was renting and left all his junk (and the dog) for me to get rid of. I mean, seriously, he still had wet washing in the washing machine.
Karen, my XH didn’t take anything either. 26 years of his junk…. I gave it to goodwill.
karenb6702,
That is truly a horrific thing to live through. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I hope you realize your strength and that you’re a survivor!
My ex didn’t even take his stuff. Just packed like he was going on holiday……. I laugh about it now!
My ex (the Rev Cheaterpants) and I had been separated for almost 18 months, but I even though I knew we were going to get a divorce, I couldn’t bring myself to go to a lawyer and file. Our separation was completely irreconcilable, he left when I discovered the affairs and hookups. But I was stuck in limbo and paralyzed with “how do I pick the right lawyer?”
Two days before my 21st wedding anniversary, I was talking to an acquaintance who was also separated and she said that she liked her lawyer. The next day I made appointment for my anniversary day, met with the lawyer, gave her all my documents and 100+ photos of texts from his phone, and signed the papers to file. Somehow taking control of my future on that anniversary of nothing now gave me the kick in the pants to move forward.
My epiphany came about when he kept telling me that he had informed me of this or that thing he was going to do and I knew for certain that he hadn’t. Or he would tell me that we had already discussed some matter when I knew we hadn’t. I spoke with my therapist about it and she pointed out that “you are in an abusive relationship.” That was “all” it took.
My cheater left me for dead and cleaned out the bank accounts.
When I got out of the hospital, I went to a Payday Loan place to hire an attorney.
My attorney showed up at court drunk.
I now look back and laugh at the fiasco I went through.
You are mighty and inspiring. I’ve got mad respect for this level of resilience.
Wow, sounds like you have a great story to tell! Glad you can laugh about it now.
We were at a middle school play.
4 months after Dday , a failed attempt at counseling, rounds and rounds of promises to change but no real remorse or action to change.
He pulled out his phone to take a picture of our child and when the last photo on his camera role popped up, It was a half-naked selfie.
I thought is this an old half-naked selfie or a new one? ????
I realized in that moment that would a question I would be asking the rest of my life If I stayed with him.
I called a lawyer instead.
Omg the half naked selfies. Been there. So gross. I made him take the mattress and all the bedding where he had taken the photos. Left him a note while he was moving out “take mattress and all bedding. Ew.”
So doing an Anthony Wiener then! Yuck!
During wreckonciliation, I found out we were involved in a lawsuit that he knew I wouldn’t agree with so he simply didn’t tell me. I asked him to take a drive with me to discuss this-away from our teens. During the drive, he was furious that we even had to take a drive to discuss this. He was “only trying to protect me.” We were almost back to our home when I asked him was he still watching porn, he admitted he had been and that “maybe he had a problem.” We has been in counseling. I had asked numerous times if he had a problem with it and he denied, denied,denied. He said he didn’t want to hear about it from me or anyone else. We got home, I packed an overnight bag and left. It is unacceptable to keep lying to your spouse about ANYTHING. This is when I knew I would never be able to uncover all of the lies. I called later to asked if he understood how wrong all of this was and how it was setting me up to discover another affair. He wouldn’t discuss it so I told him to have his things packed. He did. He left.
I’m still stuck. I just had D-day #9. Found out he bought the OW Christmas gifts last month. I’m so done but so afraid of being alone. We’ve been married 35 years. He told me he hadn’t seen her in six months. All lies. So much lying. We can’t afford to be divorced and I’ll be 60 years old and single. Divorce would equal no retirement. He has been with the OW for over five years. I was clueless about it. Completely clueless. Found out last year when he sent a text meant for her to me by mistake. He told me over and over that they were apart — but they’ve been together dozens of times this year. Why is he doing this????
He says he loves me. He says he wants to stay married. He doesn’t want to destroy our family. Instead he’s just destroying me. We’ve been to three marital counselors who all say we can reconcile. Yes, I pay them.
Reading your articles is unsticking me. Thank you so much for this.
Please remember that you own half. It’s not HIS, it’s yours. Go interview some fantastic lawyers.
Retirement might look different than you expected – but better free than saddled with a lying man baby.
Let the OP be in charge of his dwindling health and narcissistic demands in old age!!!
My dear Nine Times, follow the excellent advice above. Plan your exit, lawyer up and leave. Stat. I was 57 when my divorce finalised, so 60 is not too old for anything, believe me. When I first left 18 months before the divorce (after 25 years of marriage), I realised that I had been alone and deeply lonely for years in the marriage. You will find that getting away from him will make you realise that your loneliness was compounded and made more painful by his cruelty. ((hugs))
NewChump, call around go talk to several lawyers. Often an initial consultation is free. Sometimes you are entitled to a percentage of his retirement. Don’t let financial fear make you stay with an abusive man.
Oops. The above was for Nine Times a Chump.
I was 62 on D-day. I had been retired for two years, had sold my house (the one I bought long before we got together) and all of my stuff and went to live on a sailboat with him. It was our dream. We were in Florida when Hurricane Irma came; we evacuated to his hometown of New Orleans. I left my home, not knowing if it was going to be there when I returned. It was during that evacuation that I learned of his “emotional affair” with his high school girlfriend. Emotional? Well, he claimed he hadn’t actually seen her in 45 years or so, despite all those inappropriate texts on his phone. I later found out he had been to see her that very day, driving the rental car that *I* rented to evacuate from Irma. THEN I found out that all of the money from the sale of the house, our joint savings, the retirement accounts had somehow disappeared, magically. All of the money I had saved over a 40 year career — gone.
I left him with what I could carry — and the dog — and drove a thousand miles, sobbing most of the way. I lived in my best friend’s basement for two years until the divorce was final, and then I went back to work. I’ve just moved into my own little rental apartment and today I bought my own tea kettle. A red one. In a year or so, if I save like crazy, I’ll be able to buy a condo.
I didn’t think I could leave at 62, and I didn’t know how I was going to live. Fortunately, I figured it out, and I am FREE of the fuckwit. If I can do it — a thousand miles from anyone I knew except the fuckwit and his sister — you can, too.
I owe the sister for telling me what was going on!
Ms Ex
Your story brings a tear to my eye
I am turning 63 tomorrow. Just bought my own brand new townhouse, 4+ years after the “shitshow”
Fell to my knees, Felt so great full the day I moved in
Leave a cheater, work hard, gain security and peace
Xxxooo
LIS
Stop pointlessly spending money on marriage counsellors and you may be able to afford to divorce. The problem is not your marriage. It’s 100% him. He does this because he’s a domestic abuser. Accept that what he’s doing is a form of abuse. As others have said, save up money, investigate if he’s been hiding money in other accounts or giving it to the OW, and make your plan to leave. Don’t spend the final stage of your life so unhappy. There is pretty much zero chance that he will change. Marriage counsellors give you false hope in order to keep you coming back. Do you want to have to care for this bastard in his old age? That’s what you’re in for if you stay, and he won’t be grateful at all. When he’s too old to get it up anymore in order to abuse you with constant cheating he’ll just turn to other forms of abuse. Please don’t stick around for that.
x9!!’ Enough!
I’m 60 +29 today.
Don’t let your age define your sense of security. It’s a lie. You HAVE NO SECURITY now.
You have 6 decades of wisdom that was hard earned. You are the only person on planet Earth ???? that has Not Failed You.
Look 9, you and I are Old. Fact. We’ve got more time behind us than we do ahead.
Take heart, take The steps. Baby steps. Release yourself from the bondage of self. (Fear)
Please enjoy a few more trips around the sun ☀️
with us.
This is beautiful, and oh so true! Thank you for the words of wisdom.
I left with very little also. Walked away from the maintenance and child support that state formula’s said I should get. (I did get some though.) I had 2 teenagers that I support 100%. He took nearly everything in the house because I had to move out after being threatened with my life and nearly raped in one of his drunken stoopers. I rented a crappy dump then I came back after the house was sold. He’d already bought a nice house and moved everything of value into it! Including gifts to me from my parents, my deceased Dad’s tools… It was fucking ridiculous and still pisses me off. I was too scared to fight for anything, my health was awful and I just needed to get away from him.
I am still horrendously underemployed. I have 2 FT jobs plus pick up gigs on the side, trade tuition for more work for kid’s activities. I work all the time, I am exhausted, financial insecure, and 10000% better off than when I was with him! I can now eat what I want, do what I want, not cower when I hear the garage door scared that there might be a pair of shoes not in the closet, or dinner might not be on the table. PEACE HAS A PRICE. You can make money, you can’t make peace and you cannot buy your health. Staying with that Asshole will make you sick; stress is a horrible thing.
Oh goodness! You will be better than you think you will!
Don’t stop seeking for a lawyer until you find one who tells you in detail what they can get for you in detail. I wound up much better than expected – long marriages and being so late to the job market may give you enough for a satisfying life.
Don’t worry about being lonely. Get out and start with a divorce support group or meet-up for those going through a divorce NOW.
Get a dog or cat. They’re much better company than any cheater and give you love as you walk through hell and hot coals.
Nine Times, please find a way to leave or to get him to go. There’s always a way. It’s really scary and I know from where you are now it looks and feels like a new life would be ‘less than’ – but those of us who have taken the leap will all say how life improves so much on the other side. I’m poorer, my future is uncertain, I’m on my own (probably forever) and sometimes lonely. But my daily life is so,so much better, because I am so different now. I’m more confident, contented, so much more capable and my life is peaceful, filled with kind people who treat me well, and full of interesting things that I want to do. I’ve retrained as a Counsellor so I hope to be able to continue to work into my old age (because I’ll have to). It’s been a rocky road to get here but from day 1 after I ended my 27 yr marriage in my 50s with limited prospects, despite the heartbreak I have felt different. That little dying ember of what used to be the flame of life inside my soul has been fanned by the fresh air and space that he used to occupy that is now filled with decent people, truth and happy times. People who have known me for a long time say it’s good to have the old me back, people who have only known me for a few years say I’m unrecognisable from the person I was when I was married. I hadn’t even realised the effect it had all had on me or how ‘less than’ I had become even in my own eyes. Please give yourself a chance to be happy. Don’t think of your age as too old, think of being still young enough to be able to give yourself a chance to be happy. I wouldn’t go back, not for all the financial security, holidays and the comfortable future retirement I walked away from. Life is SO much better when this crap is not going on in your life, and once away from it you’ll be surprised at how quickly you become strong enough to deal with whatever comes your way. If you go get some legal advice it might help to allay some of your fears, it did for me. Big hugs xx
Rebecca
After 35 years married then abandoned (after I discovered the Owhore) my 2 beloved cats helped me emotionally & mentally to survive the cruelty I went through from him. Unconditional love is what I receive every day. ???? Adopt a homeless pet and enrich yourself and their lives!
You can’t afford to be divorced? Oh, dear, sweet Nine Times. You can’t afford to be married–to this guy who is playing you like a fiddle in a recital that has gone on for far too long.
Write down everything in these comments. THESE people have your back. Get a kick-butt attorney. Get your it-doesn’t-matter-how-old-you-are-ducks in a row and then march those ducks toward a better future than your past could ever imagine.
There’s wonderful advice here, Nine. I will add, you say you don’t want to be alone, but I can tell you this… being alone (on my own) is so much better than being alone in a manipulationship with an abusive man.
You can do this. We’re here to support you.
Hey – don’t forget that if you were married more than 10 years, you will get money from Social Security based on his earning (if higher than your own).
So you may want to check out your Social Security statement and see if you can find a paper copy of his. It’s going to be a few hundred dollars a month, I bet.
Nine times a Chump, what the others said. Plus, I was 65 when I filed for divorce almost five years ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it was worth it. I’ve learned so much about setting boundaries and self-respect.
It turned out my ex was living a secret life as a gay man for the 44 years of our marriage but didn’t think it was any of my business. He had also become verbally and emotionally abusive over the years. Now I can’t believe what I put up with for so long.
Anne G, what a coincidence! I also was married for 44 years to a man who was living a double life as a gay (he claims bi) man. The day I found the emails of his Craigslist m4m hookups I told him to leave, I was 65. He had also become verbally and emotionally abusive over the years. It’s been a long road uphill (5 years) but I can honestly say that I am so much happier without him.
Nine times, you are never to old to gain a life. I know it is frightening, get angry, that helps. He is not treating you with love or respect, and he is emotionally abusing you. Don’t be afraid because of your age, you deserve more.
Get an attorney, and file for spousal support and half of his pension. NOW.
Nine times a chump, I was married for 30 years at the first dday( that I knew of). We reconciled. He spent 4 years ruining us financially before leaving for another schmoopie. Please please please don’t do what I did. I was devastated but have rebuilt my life. I fought for what I could and now own my home and have renters downstairs that basically pay my house expenses. I am not well off and drive a school bus to help but I have a very rich life full of my kids my friends and the community theatre community where I know many people. There is a life on the other side . I was married 36 years by the time the divorce to that POS was done. It is so worth it—you will not only survive but you will thrive. Most days I’m at meh but I will never forget that he took my retirement from me. There are worse things like staying with an abusive man. (((( hugs))))
Nine times, you CAN afford to be divorced. I was married 25 years. I had to fight XH all the way through trial. Judge gave me every single asset we had. I live in a community property state. You don’t know how it will turn out— the asshole second mediator said I would “never” even get 50-50. I didn’t care, I wanted to tell my story to the decision-maker.
I would rather be impoverished than keep myself bound to an abuser. Infidelity is domestic violence in my opinion.
But it was terrifying. Literally terrifying for two years when I started the process. No contact is what helped. And EMDR (both YouTube and a short stint with a trauma therapist) and exercise and focusing on getting a better job. Time passed and I cannot tell you how wonderful life is now that I’m free.
We are here for you. Leap, woman! We will catch you!
And this wasn’t his first affair. He had another one twenty years ago when I was pregnant with our daughter.
I feel so stupid. I forgave him then. I forgave him this time. But my forgiveness just gives him permission to continue.
Your forgiveness doesn’t give him permission – it says you loved and trusted him. It was MISPLACED and he’s counting on it.
Forgive if you like but please take care of YOURSELF now. Forgiveness doesn’t = agreeing to more abuse.
Definitely start looking into those credit card statements, bank statements, etc. He is wealthy enough to woo others and force you to live in poverty = he is wealthy enough to stop abusing you financially, emotionally and sexually.
You’re not stupid! Don’t let him continue to poison your mind with that thought.
Now is an excellent time to get very angry and proactive. Quietly. While he’s out playing tickle the pickle or whatever he’s doing with whomever.
Your husband flat out refuses to give up the OW? This man does not love you and doesn’t want a divorce for financial reasons. Get a good lawyer and file. Not sure what you meant by there would be no retirement if you left……if your husband has the retirement funds or pension you get half. By the way 60 is not old and you could have many happy years left but I can guarantee your health will suffer if you stay. Do you trust this man to take care of you if you become sick?
Oh yeah – this is IMPORTANT.
Update or write a new will, change the beneficiary on any life insurance policies, retirement accounts, etc., give someone else Power of Attorney and don’t forget the medical decisions too. They don’t have to be the same person. Might be better to have two separate people who are trusted family or friends with sanity/experience in handling the matters. They would have to know and agree to do it – plus be able to keep their lips zipped.
You do NOT want him to be the one pulling the plug (or not), if something should happen to you and you can’t speak for yourself. Nor do you want him to get his hands on your money to spend on OW if you can give it to people/organizations that make YOU feel good.
“He says he loves me…”
Do you FEEL loved?
^^^ This
Start squirrelling away some money in cash (from groceries etc). Start making a plan for you. Be aware of all financials and get a good therapist. Consult a lawyer so you know your rights. Once you do all of this you can evaluate your options. Sometimes money isn’t everything if it is killing your spirit and soul. Good luck!
Oh my Dear Nine Times ((( hugs )))
Please leave him , he is NEVER going to change and you KNOW for a fact D day 10 is just round the corner . There are a million worse things than being alone and 60 like being with a disrespectful abusive man and 60 .
Talk with a lawyer you don’t have to file but please see where you stand financially you may be better off divorced than being with him .
Don’t try and work out why he is doing it you know he IS doing it . He doesn’t respect you and thinks you will always be there as you have shown him over and over you will be . He wants to stay married because you are a great wife appliance of course he wants to stay married he gets his cake and eats it knowing you will never leave him & you know he is never going to change .
Please look after yourself xx
Also, he can LEAVE YOU at any time. I think it is better to prepare and leave him on your terms than to have it sprung on you when he has had time to prepare, hide money, make access to documents difficult ect. When I was abandoned by my cheater, I was amazed by the good people who cared about me and were there for me. I am an introvert, not like I had a huge network of friends, but still, people were there. It may be difficult financially, my credit has taken a hit for sure but that will be repaired with time. You know what can’t be repaired a hologram of a spouse. Hugs to you❤️. You have been through enough, make it stop.
Go make copies of your joint tax returns. At least 3 years, preferably more. Have them in your drawer at work, a sealed copy with someone you trust, another copy somewhere else he can’t access. Ditto for any retirement statements, brokerage statements, the mortgage, etc. Figure out how much utilities cost, food, medical. Scan them and send them to your brand new, super secret, never to be shared with him email account as well. Run a credit check on yourself to make certain he hasn’t had someone commit fraud in some manner (refinancing a mortgage, a loan in your name that you didn’t authorize, etc.).
SAY NOTHING TO HIM.
Simply gather information.
Go to your physician and get tested for every STI under the sun. Do not engage in sexual relations.
Once you have all of that, start interviewing attorneys. Every attorney YOU consult (even if you don’t hire) is an attorney that can’t represent HIM. Check out the state laws regarding divorce and alimony, etc. Use the private tab on your browser. It won’t save your searches, or your new email provider, etc. Clear the cache regularly.
http://www.nerdwallet.com may be helpful too.
I am really sorry.
@No Shit Cupcakes,
Preach! This advice is awesomeness incarnate. Please follow it.
One step further. Do ALL your divorce research and correspondence on a new account created at a local library. Spouse may have installed a key stroke logger. And buy a burner phone that you hide.
How do I check my computer for one?
Yes, you need to do all these things. Stat.
What she said. No kidding.
Agreed. What they say. Not kidding. ^^^
If “we” can’t afford to be divorced, HE can’t afford to be buying another woman gifts.
I was BROKE when I left. Lived in a car for 3 months. It was worth it. I actually recovered my bottled strength during that time.
I was married for 30 years. We were always broke and I didn’t think we could afford to divorce when he walked out on me. I managed to pay for my attorney, paid to move my stuff (including a 6 foot grand piano $$$) 2500 miles so I could take care of my parents, and even though he cried “poor” (he earned 3 times my salary), he’s still paying me alimony 5 years later. It will work out somehow. I’m still amazed I was able to afford the attorney.
This is easy. I was stuck for years. I was a gold medal pick-me dancer. To be fair, during my unhappy years, I did instruct my Ex to leave multiple times. However, I never forced him to do so. I wanted him to leave of his own volition because I didn’t want to be the bad guy in my kids’ eyes.
As you can imagine, my Ex did not leave of his own volition (umm. . . cake). Instead, he kept cheating (unbeknownst to me at the time), lying, and gaslighting, while I raised the kids, hoped, danced, worked full time, did all of the housework, read a million save-your-marriage books, and postponed the inevitable until my kids were older.
And then, 2 years ago — I found a text exchange between my Ex and one of his OW. My Ex of course tried to explain away the texts with his ridiculous lies and blameshifting. I was livid. And yet, unbelievably, I was STILL a little stuck.
How did I finally get unstuck? I found CL. I read her book, found this blog, and wrote her a letter. CL answered my letter almost immediately. CL’s response to my letter and the 200+ comments of the readers of this blog were the slap in the face that I sorely needed. After reading CL’s and all of the other responses, I kicked my Ex out. No kidding. For this reason, I am endlessly grateful to CL and to the readers of this blog. I am convinced that the Universe led me here.
Thank you, CL.
It was reading Leave a cheater, gain a life that finally made me decide to leave STBXH. Though I ended up telling him we could just separate first, but I didn’t want to live together anymore. But then he decided he wanted to “swallow his pride” and file for divorce even though he didn’t want to divorce, because of financial reasons.
Either of us can make the divorce final in less than six months.
My first Dday was when he dumped me five years ago, denying he had someone else at first. Then he came back. A few months later he told me he’d cheated on me for five years with ho-worker. He left again and filed, but told me he was not seeing her. Came back 7 months later. Dday three, he had been with the ho-ho up until the moment he decided that he wanted to be with me anyway. Which he took back the next day unbeknownst to me. Dday four was a few months after he had come back. I found out he’d been in contact with her. Then relative calm followed. Dday five last summer, found out he’d used drugs and bought them in the dark net and had them delivered to our home about 20 times and he’d been convicted once, and he’d planned on leaving me again and he’d pined after ho-ho and looked her pics and used porn.
I still struggle with hopium though. It’s crazy. But I’m finally moving out in ten days, with my daughter.
Mis-Guided, you can do it! Use a no-contact counter to keep yourself accountable.
We are waiting for you at Meh. It’s wonderful here! Hurry!
I was a staff member at a teacher at a parent/teacher conference last night. Yippie, I was stuck for 3 hours, next to a male cheater teacher while we waited for parents to not show up.
LET ME TELL YOU.
Bit of background:
*He had an affair with a young teacher a few years ago. Everyone knew. Blew up both families.
*His XW went scorched earth.
*His bio kids, whom I known since birth are 100% smack dab in the middle, seven years later. One lives with dad, the other with mom now.
*His son is in a class of mine now, he is disabled, and very VERY hurt by his father’s actions. His father did not get him a Christmas or birthday gift…..
*This cheater teacher has had his son in his class… they don’t talk.
So, as cheater vented, seven years after his divorce (he did admit “he made a mistake”)
He feels absolutely NO responsibility for his current position. It is 100% XW at this point.
He HATES her guts.
He will account for every penny he allegedly gives her. Said he will not retire because he refuses to give her any more money…
He has no shame not buying his minor kid any gifts (“I will not buy his love!”) He claims child support does that.
Did I say he absolutely blames and hates his xwife?
Classic CL cheater/blamer/abandon-er.
I told him about his son’s upset about his birthday and not talking to his little sister, now (Dad has sister in his house now, he claims his daughter HATES the XW now, too.)
Because is was my job to be there as a professional, I couldn’t really say anything, nor would I want to. It would be wasted air. He does not realize the entire school watched his affair unfold years ago.
He just went on and on and on.
There was not one glint of personal accountability, shame, regret or hesitation to grind his xw reputation into the ground. His anger was lazer focused, still 7 years later, on xw.
I was a bit stunned. I knew exactly what was unfolding in front of me.
My meh moment:
I knew in my situation, my xh very much says and does the same things about me.
Chumps always hold on to the hope, or drama brags that the cheater “wants them back” or begs upon occasion to get them back.
They do not regret their actions. They do not think they are at fault. They don’t want you back.
I do like that he spent all his energy on bitching about his Exwife, though. That is gratifying. My ex spends an inordinate amount of energy on image management as dad of the year. I don’t even give a fuck anymore if people believe that or not.
Good points, though I think there are variations on cheatermind (such as it is). In my STBX’s case, I think she thinks she does want me back, but only on her terms. And she feels remorse, but it’s more of the I-am-filled-with-shame-because-I-have-no-self kind, and of course the pain of having to deal with consequences.
Magneto, too true. They don’t want you back. Took me a while to accept that one! But now … thank goodness!
… in fact, being honest, admitting to myself that I didn’t want him back and I was glad I was out of it was probably harder for me.
Even after finding (and documenting) so much proof on her phone (including fingering me for domestic assault); after catching her in lie after lie after lie; after the Driveway Confrontation with her and the Carrot Singer, and after watching her grovel in front of the couples therapist, I still was holding out hope that she’d see the horrific havoc she was wreaking on our marriage and family.
Even when I confronted her about new texts coming in (“I guess I just like the attention…”) and forced her into a final decision, which I ended up having to make for the both of us, I held out hope that the separation could be handled amicably.
When, the very next night — and despite her promise to get tactical advice from the therapist — she texted me to come home because she’d told our daughters that we were getting divorced and they were upset, I knew the person I’d committed to for 15 years was a person that never existed.
That’s a key insight for anyone involved with or married to a disordered person. They aren’t what we thought they were.
I lived in an unhappy abusive marriage for years and stayed “for the kids”. I knew that Dickhead had cheated and was on to another conquest. What kicked me in the head to leave? When my teenage daughters found out dad was cheating. I could not allow them to think that this was acceptable behavior for any man, much less their father. A very ugly divorce ensued and he tried to take me for everything. He even tried to take the kids. One of the 5 thinks his shit doesn’t smell and loves the OW. The others are in varying stages of denial even 5 years later. Me? Happy as a clam! I may not have a lot of money, but I no longer live in fear!
Ugh me too! That “stay for the kids” thing is a horrible cultural guilt!! I tell people now that for years I stayed for the kids, then I woke up and I LEFT for the kids.
I got angry. I had a baby in my belly that was also abandoned and I got angry for her. I allowed myself to grieve the loss of what I thought I had after I changed the locks and got myself safe. But that first wave of anger is what kept me from begging and pleading and dancing anymore. There have been other anger waves since then, but that first was the most liberating.
At the “advice” of my counselor, I admitted myself into the hospital for serious suicidal thoughts (she was going to call the cops if I didn’t go). This was 5 months after the 3rd D-day and right after I found out my in-laws were in on the whole thing with the OW. Ex acted vaguely irritated and unconcerned throughout the process. I was in for 2 days. Before my discharge, the nurse called ex and asked him if there were any guns in the home and if they were locked up. He said they were locked up.
The day after I came home, he went to work as usual, leaving me alone with a toddler and an infant. I went to get dressed and saw the guns exactly where they had been before I left, keys to the trigger locks accessible, ammo nearby. In fact, a family photo that included our inlaws was on top of one of the cases.
At best, he was completely unconcerned for my life. At worst, he wanted me to die. It took me two more months to call it quits, but that was the moment that shifted the narrative in my head from something being wrong with me to something being wrong with him.
So glad you got that shift in how you saw things. It wasn’t you. He was literally making your crazy.
What a horrible man. I’m quite sure mine wanted me to commit suicide too—making constant references to my mentally ill brother and my dad who did commit suicide. He loved to call me bipolar( I’m not). He would have been happy if I did it because it would have meant he would get everything. They are horrible creatures—I don’t consider that even human.
Getting my head and heart in agreement has been a steady, gradual, and progressive process.
I have been in agreement with divorcing for a long time, but hoping there was at least a shred of truth to my belief that there was a Nice Guy deep inside, somewhere. Why? Because having a child with him means I can’t get completely away and it would be great if there was some authentic Nice Guy in him.
Last week when addressing the topic of how to resolve the issue of the money he hid from me for 20 years (discovered a year ago….six figures…cash…by the man who has been complaining loudly about MY money issues for 20 years) he told me “I talked to a lawyer who said I have a very good case against you for mismanagement of money during our marriage. Clearly you weren’t acting in the best interests of our family.”
There is 0% Nice Guy in his makeup. Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.
The time and money spent in therapy for 27 years with him were ineffective in creating a healthy relationship. Since he moved out two years ago I have felt that all that time and money was wasted. I now thank God that what I really paid for are two very competent expert witnesses to the relationship who keep me sane as he attempts to rewrite history.
I hope you get your share of the money.
According to him, he doesn’t have to pay me back because of what I did…..which he never said anything about……
Never take legal advice from the enemy. Listen only to your own lawyer.
Velvet- my counselor told me, “The longest distance is between the head and the heart.” I too struggled with this but the more crap he pulled the shorter that distance became.
Your cheating pos is a moron. He said YOU were not acting in the best interest of your family? Oh yeah, hiding substantial amounts of money and destroying the family due to his neglect, abuse, lying and cheating is??? What about all the marital money he spent on that ho bag or ho bags?
The burden is on him to prove you mismanaged money. Do not defend -attack! Do not settle for anything less than half. He’s blowing smoke out of his ass. Don’t let him intimidate you. “The devil whispered in my ear, beware of the storm. I whispered back, I am the storm,”
Thanks for your validation, Warrior. I am already there with you, thankfully. I think he mistook me for the idiots he’s been banging. ????
Haha. Good for you Velvet. I knew you were too smart for him.
Velvet Hammer, he sounds horrific. Absolutely horrible.
For me it was the fact that when I discovered his affair he wasn’t sorry or apologetic. He just gave me that shark-like, cold, death stare that so many other people on here have described. I knew that was the end.
My moment of realisation didn’t come with the discovery of a 19 year old drug addicted mentally ill sugar baby who was paid a wage for sex behind my back. It didn’t come with the admission that he had seen other prostitutes regularly throughout our 16 year marriage. It didn’t come when he told me he was bisexual and wanted to have sex with men. It didn’t come when he declared bankruptcy almost causing me to lose the roof over my kids head. It didn’t come when he took both family cars and left me with no vehicle, and then went and bought himself a new BMW, while the children and I catch public transport. Oh no! I was a mad Hopium Addict.
It finally came when I found his profile on Fetlife and saw what his interests were. Sickening, objectification of young teens. And then I found a pic he “loved” on there. A semi nude pic of a “legal age” young teen boy, who had a distinctive pre-pubescent looking body, that was identical to the body of our 7 year old son. The sledgehammer hit me and I literally vomitted. Needless to say, I am in the middle of a custody battle right now and he hasn’t been unsupervised with our 3 children since that day.
You are already a good mother. I hope the next phase of your life is about knowing your own worth.
You go, Holly! All credit to you for beating a strong hopium addiction and protecting your kids and yourself now! You can do it, you can kick ass!
My unstuck moment was after she left and moved in with the OM. I was hurt and worried I didn’t do enough to save things and show I was willing to let her make the effort, but then I learned from the OM’s wife that they were talking the entire time.
The OM’s wife and I “connected” over our shared anger, which was the best “connection” I think I have ever had.
Made me realize I was trying to save a marriage to someone who didn’t care about my needs beyond just the affair. There is more than just a single cheating, selfish, and shallow person out there for me.
I had gone out to run some errands on a Saturday, leaving DD and crapweasel at home. DD was supposed to be put down for a nap while I was out (she wasn’t even 2 yet). I got home and crapweasel had taken DD and our dog to a park on the skank’s side of town. Our phones were still linked at that point so I could see where he was and also where skank was.
I started sobbing and called my mom and then my aunt, telling them both I couldn’t do this anymore. I went to see a lawyer that Monday.
Something about taking both my daughter and my dog to a playdate with the skank just snapped the last bit of hopium I had in me.
My dear stuck chumps – there is freedom on the other side of all this bullshit.
Google. I had been raised in a Christian household, and only understood the reconciliation perspective.
He leveraged that against me for a long time. Finally, when my mind was spinning from the mind fuck he was putting me through, I typed his latest behavior into the google search engine. It lead me down a rabbit hole and taught me about narcissism and the abuse cycle.
Once I understood that he was playing a game, and was incapable of ever participating in a loving, reciprocal relationship I was done. I went no contact immediately.
For me it was a gradual process, a totting up of examples. During reconciliation (complete with naked pick-me dancing, aka trauma bonding), he lied to me, acted behind my back, minimized his actions, tried to manipulate me, invalidated my feelings, grew angry if I expressed any doubts, and had no empathy for me. His narcissistic entitlement was off the charts. I was having dreams in which I was searching for doors out of buildings, and one night I woke up from one of them with the words “You have to get out of here” so clear and so audible it was as if someone had bent down and spoken them right into my ear.
The final straw, however, came when I told him I was planning to go away from home for a long weekend to a friend’s (she was going out of town, and he’d earlier said “I think you need some time away,” a way for him to imply that I was the problem, not him), and when I told him, he said, “While you’re gone I’ll think about what I want from you.” Not, “think about us,” not “think about our future,” not “what we can do.” When I heard those words, “I’ll think about what I want from you,” I knew I had nothing to work with. It took me another year and a half before I could gather the courage and the make plans to leave, but that night marked the end of my hopium habit.
I think after all the lies and promises having him give me a timeline to decide and because I didn’t meet this deadline he had to return to the latest escort he was in love with. Then after reading a local newspaper article about backpage searching backpage and escort reviews he used my maiden name as his user name and my daughters name as his password. Reading these cold reviews of women their stretch marks were commented upon. I knew this was not a real man nor a real moral person. I had to go.
What got me unstuck? Reading the “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” book – saw my situation in that book. The other was I realized he wanted a wife and a girlfriend – he could not chose. Actually told me he prayed one of us would die so he could not chose between the two of us. Ugh, even writing that out still triggers me. He really is awful.
I woke up on my 45th birthday and decided I was not going to wake up on my 46th in the same awful place again. My ex was flaunting his emotional affair. My therapist had schooled me about gaslighting, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and mental abuse. My sons were seeing their parents fighting constantly and also hearing that they should respect their mother, but not seeing their dad respect their mom at all. It took a year for me to get things in place, but by the following December, dickhead was sent the divorce papers and by February – on my birthday, the kids and I moved out of the house and in with my mom. It took another 7 years to finally get the divorce. Damn Narcissist! Those seven years were filled with lots of terrible things that included the kids, the police, lying, etc… But I made it to meh and it is a great place to be.
“Do not let your cheater be the last thing you invest in”- YOUR BOOK.
“I’m not only testing you for disease, I’m testing you for exposure to it as well. It’s important that you hear what I am telling you, these women make a living off quantity, not quality. Don’t be embarrassed, my office gets at least 2 of these calls a week.” – MY DOCTOR
My unstuck moment came with the second set of test results and a clean bill of health. It came when I realized that my marriage, that nice and wonderful husband who slept with all the hookers, were not real. I had invested so much in my family and what I believed I had. But BAYBEE I had to wait 12 months, 12 long months to know for certain that I was in the clear. Then it hit me, he put my life in danger. When given a choice- me, the mother of his children, he put my life in danger hundreds of times. Then came home and said “I love you more.” I became unstuck when I realized there would be no words to make me understand that. With a clean bill of health and CN family I started investing in ME. Nothing like a health scare to make you appreciate second chances, and the fragility of time. Other than the therapist I tell people “I gave that douchebag 14 years, he gets no more airtime” and move on to better topics. Unstuck came with acceptance. He is not nice, he does not care, he is betting on the crazy. He gets nothing. Best way to get gum off the bottom of your sneaker? ICE.
I save my warmth for my friends, family, and most importantly my children. Being the only sane parent requires being PRESENT. Gum off my sneaker, angry hip hop playlist, and a good run. Restorative beyond measure, keep me unstuck.
I got unstuck when he called me from getting picked up by the police for harassing his OW. He called me!? Ha.
I learned the truth and extend of their affair from a judge. He gaslighted next for months saying they were only friends. That drive home was the longest drove home. As I can imagine the night he had to spend in jail was as well. I learned he was head over heels psycho in love with her. Little did he know he wasn’t special. He was just one of many affairs she had and he was dropped like a hot potato. She needed someone closer to her age not older than her dad.
He had no idea I’d walk away forever. He thought I’d forgive him. I only told him a million times before all this happened. I’m not a stand by your man kind of girl. Even though we have a child together and our oldest son passed away a month after his affair was exposed. I’d never trust him again. He was more upset that his OW told me everything even though they made an agreement to never tell me anything.
Most people don’t want to find out the truth. I learned everything. Every detail and that was helped push me into the never again, I’m done with you realm.
I don’t regret marrying him and I don’t regret divorcing him. I’ve gained confidence and independence – one day some wonderful man will walk into my life and thank him for being an asshat.
So sorry about your son’s passing. ????
Oddly enough it wasn’t him beating the crap out of me for the fourth time or finding him at her house being introduced to her parents. Nope, I had to disengage little by little. Every time there was an “event”, I pulled away a little bit more.
The time he punched me in the head while he was driving, I started my own checking and savings account. When he threw me into the wall, I started keeping records. What finally did were 3 things. I was staking out the OW’s house to see when he would show up after getting some lame story about why he was coming home late.
I found his car parked two blocks away from her house. I had the key, so I drove it to her house, parked it on her lawn and set the car alarm off.
Fun times, right?
Anyway I got another stupid excuse. He wasn’t with her, he just parked his car there and walked half a mile to a meeting at a restaurant.
I realized 1. he wasn’t even trying anymore and 2. I didn’t like who I was becoming.
A bucket of dirty mop water dumped over me head clinched it after I went back to talk one last time.
Wormfree, I had one like yours. The awful things is, as bad as the beatings and awful behaviour became, it didn’t “phase” me because it had built up over time and it was just one more awful thing to put up with. One time I had been through the weekend from hell and on the Monday morning a friend saw me at the bus stop on the way to work and stopped to give me a lift. She asked about my weekend and it all spilled out – the trip to the hospital, then stopping off at the police station to report him and being threatened with a broken whiskey bottle to my throat. When I eventually shut up I asked about her weekend and she said “oh I made a lovely steak and kidney pie”. And THAT is what brought it home to me. My life was anything but normal and should have been “steak and kidney pie” worthy!
Wormfree and Attie, I am so glad you both made it out and made it out alive! Both your stories could have had such terrible endings. ????♀️????♀️
Scary how that life becomes normal.
Attie, I remind myself from time to time that if I survived that life I can get through anything.
Thanks Sodisturbed. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone but I know I will NEVER take crap from anyone ever again! And now my life is wonderful!
It had been just about a year since the previous Wreckonciliation. I sat on the couch being berated while holding our pukey 3 year old. I realized he had no remorse for his actions, he continued to blame me for all of our problems so I blurted out, “I’m done. I want a divorce.”
My moment came 2 days after having heart surgery to repair a valve. He had been shitty to me the whole 32 year marriage. Always had “questional” female friends. Traveled too much for work. Had already told me He didn’t Love me anymore. That he was probably just one of those people who needed to be alone. He visited me maybe an hour a day while I was there. Never stayed overnight. As my visitors were leaving the hospital this particular day. He was last in line to say good night to me. Instead of anything decent. He patted me on the head, like you would a dog. Telling me to have a good night. It was THAT moment I realized this person had no regard for my health, safety, and absolutely did not like me. I ended up staying another 2 weeks in the hospital because I contracted pneumonia. He never came again, didn’t pick me up. Refused to even care for me after I got home. He had taken vacation off to care for me. But he spent the whole time in his downstairs office. Probably texting, speaking to his howorker gf. A month later, after I recovered. I threw him out and changed the locks. He absolutely refused to leave. I waited until he was gone again for “work”.
Anuthatch I am so glad you kicked him out!. My ex once said to me ‘I keep you around because you are economically good for me.’ This after 26 years of ‘marriage’. These people have no soul.
Thank you for posting this! For whatever reason this very topic has been on my mind. What finally got me unstuck was being at absolute rock bottom mentally and financially with no job, two kids and the ability to feed my kids/keep a roof over their head staring me down in the face. In my despair I reflected on my past decisions of attaching myself to emotionally unavailable partners and seeing how I made choices to be with people who negatively impacted me and my children’s life for the sake of “love”. During that time my ex “Love of my Life” reached out and wanted to reconcile. I was so confused!!! I was very much accustomed to the reconcile/on again off again cycle especially with him and his inability to let suicidal “I’ll kill myself if you don’t stay with me/I’ll kill the OW (me)” smoochie. So, I reached out to some mighty older fellow chumps for advice because I was so scattered and confused. They are very well known in our community as they hold public offices for our city and state. Their words cut me to my core – “Todd is toxic! You have to stay away from him for you and your children’s sake…..and the fact that you are even talking to him let’s us know YOU are toxic too.” My heart sank. They were right! They then immediately said “you are a good person with a huge heart and NO boundaries. It is time for you to set and stick with these boundaries. If you don’t, be prepared to loose more than what you are currently facing.” Ironically, the next day my ex didn’t call me like he said he would so I drove by his house and, sure enough, suicidal smoochie was there. It was like God was pointing at me saying “This is toxic! Get away! Stop being toxic too!” That was enough to FORCE me to slap me into reality. To make sure I sealed the deal that he wouldn’t cross my boundaries anymore: I screenshot all the text he had been sending to me and forwarded them to her along with his voicemails about how he couldn’t be with her anymore and how he loved me. I told her that it was only fair we were all on the same page and congratulated her on winning the sparkly turd. After I blocked him/her and went no contact with them and Switzerland friends. I went on a total cleaning spree….and damn did it feel good! A week after my life dramatically changed – I secured a job that paid what I needed to get by and in a very positive work environment. My kids and I are closer than ever and they are doing well in school. My chump friends encouraged me to hang with them more, listen to their advice while I’m navigating through this new territory of becoming toxic free, and surround myself with people who love me for me not those who want to use me. They encouraged me to learn to love a “vanilla” life (because as we all know it’s really not vanilla). Then they encouraged me to go out with a fellow chump and we have been together ever since. By far this is the most amazing relationship I’ve ever been in….EVER!!!!!
After 38 years married , I stumbled across evidence and then began the long unfold. He continued to profess his love for me throughout and I continued to uncover lie after lie for as long as I searched. I needed to see so much more because the one I loved seemed the most sincere. He did , still does love me to the best of his ability- but he is not capable of love of my understanding. I had to continue to unfold evidence and talk daily to 4 supportive friends- the sister in law so sweet, the practical old friend, my mom and a good therapist. He could have easily won me back at any time had his affair ever stopped but fortunately for me , he continued to show me who he was ( or I continued to uncover) by actions not words. My life is soooo much better. I never expected to be better financially but that’s a bonus- it’s all better. My best advice- he has shown you who he is by his actions not words. The sooner you hear it, the better. Open your eyes, keep searching for truth- dig for as much evidence as you need.
The day he looked at me and said ” When I feel depressed I feel like getting a gun and killing you and the boys and then killing myself.” My blood ran cold because I knew he meant it.
My next step after he went to work was disassembling his shotgun and pouring water on the shells down in the basement. I was in the final months of nursing school and working full time nights at the time and he controlled the money. I started picking up extra shifts and told him I was putting away money for Christmas. When I had enough I got a restraining order, took my kids and moved into a new place.
I believe that saved our lives at the time. Later on, in the divorce, I couldn’t convince the judge cheater ex was dangerous which led to tragedy. That’s another story.
Bless you Tessie.
In the moments I feel empty, you give me strength. Rays of hope from fellow chumps are getting me unstuck.
You are mighty.
Love you, Tessie, and all you do here.
Tessie – I have followed your story. Share it ever chance you can. What you have been through is horrific. I am soooo thankful for people like you sharing. So very helpful for all. Thank you!!!
After discovering an 8 year affair, I was still working toward reconciliation 9 months after d-day, but was slowing trying to picture my life without the “love of my life” and storybook romance partner (with the help of a good therapist!). I started looking for rentals online and found an adorable 1920’s bungalow. I went to look at it with my mother, walked in the door, and suddenly, I could picture my new life without my cheater. Sometimes it takes picturing yourself in a different place than what you know so well and realizing that you can actually make the change and you will be okay. Today, I own that bungalow and my 17 year old daughter and I have had 5 years of wonderful girl time in it. Hang in there, chumps. You can make the changes you need to and you will emerge stronger and better than ever. I am honestly so relieved that my marriage didn’t work and blew up in such a huge way so I could create a new and fantastic life without him.
After d-day my ex started staying in the secret apartment he was renting. I was smoking the Hopium, reading every religious book of reconciliation and sex addiction. My ex was stringing me along with his “addiction” and how therapy was helping ( thanks to me basically feeding him lines). 8 months passed, and on our daughters birthday he tells me he has had a break through in therapy and he is ready to work. I am hopeful; He says, with all sincerity, “ I’ll start sleeping at home two nights a week.” Ha! Luckily it was so absurd, my brain made the click right then and there. The denial broke, and although it still took a few months to plan my divorce ( because I had bought that stupid one year idea), I knew I did not want him back. Didn’t find chump lady until about a year later- she helped me with the strict no contact. I feel so glad it was so stark in my case. Not sure how I could have seen through the bullshit if it wasn’t so obvious.
“I’ll start sleeping at home two nights a week”? Wow.
So many of these stories bring me back to the hellish last months before I kicked XH out (he wanted to see the young gold digger openly). It took another 9 months for me to file and what prompted me to do so was multiple factors: he didn’t put his huge year-end bonus on our joint account, he refused to get off drugs, he refused to go to rehab, he refused to sign a post-nup, other OW came out of the woodwork with proof of years of cheating and lying, he stayed with the young OW despite lying to me about breaking up with her, I met some wonderful men in my hiking club that suggested that when I was free of XH, there would be many eligible men that would love to have me for their life partner (e.g. my fears of being lonely and unwanted after the brutal and cruel discard by XH were unfounded— I started having hope that maybe being divorced would be better).
Thank GOD I didn’t waste another minute with XH! I wish I’d gone no-contact and filed on Dday. I really do. The harm that I suffered and that my children between Dday and filing was worse than Dday.
Sadly-when my STBXH cheated and I found out the first time-I thought I forgave him and moved on with him.
I realized after I found out about the second affair-I was almost relieved. I didn’t have to pretend to care anymore. I had shut down many years ago with the first one. I just hadn’t admitted it to myself.
What made me let go of the idea that he would be the man I always wanted for his Schmoopie? An air fryer. They’ve been officially dating for less than a year-and for Christmas he gifted her with an air fryer.
He’ll never change.
I’m thankful every single day that I got myself and my kids out from under his thumb ❤️
I was going through cancer scare. When I got the news from my doc, I sat on the couch and cried. I had just finished getting my then husband through two years of intense treatments for his cancer. I had been there for him every step of the way.
He looked me dead in the face, while I cried, then walked out the door and went to the strip club. That was kind of it for me.
I had a friend who was fighting breast cancer when her husband told her he had been having an affair and was leaving her. Her kids were in grade school/middle school at the time.
She survived and her kids have nothing to do with their father 10+ years later.
There’s got to be a special place in hell for people like that.
Thank you. This actually really helps to hear. I’m also glad to hear your friend got through it, both the cancer, and the divorce.
❤️
HThank you. This actually really helps to hear. I’m also glad to hear your friend got through it, both the cancer, and the divorce.
I did the exercises Patrick Carnes book, Betrayal Bond. I saw that I was in a kind of addictive pattern. Check it out.
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/5-signs-youre-in-a-destructive-trauma-bond-with-a-toxic-person/
I just went to that website and will admit that he had me so tricked, that with 29 years of relationship…I did NOT realize how conniving and deceptive he was. He figured out how to play me early one and was very consistent …I never saw “changes” in him because there werent any…he likely lied and cheated all along and hid it all very very well. I wonder how many close calls he had where something almost got spilled but he got away with a lot, for decades.