What’s Your Patronus?
Yesterday Glinda wrote:
I feel my anger has taken a patronus form – a huge tiger that sits there silently reminding me to stay on guard. It’s good now. Anger came back when I realized the kids and I were putting up with things that aren’t normal – that are abusive. So I traded silent hurt projected inward to an anger that protects by projecting outward.
I thought this was a terrific concept — an anger patronus!
For those of you non-Harry Potter geeks, a patronus is this sort of guardian animal that appears when you’re in danger. You have to think hard of the people who love you, and positive things, and it just appears. You don’t know what form it will take (a white stag!), but after you summon it, it kicks dementor ass and protects you from harm.
When I was going through the Troubles, I definitely summoned a sort of patronus. I summoned Chump Lady. There was no Chump Lady then, but I conjured up her persona in my darkest hours. She was several parts Aretha Franklin, South African freedom fighter, and WASP-y matron who takes no shit.
When I was paralyzed with depression and indecision, my persona patronus would appear and kick some ass. “Let’s call the lawyer! Let’s make a plan!” And when his rages got scary, she would appear out of nowhere in a towering rage right back at him. She would’ve killed the motherfucker if her chumpy, sensible self hadn’t intervened.
So today, the question is — who is your patronus? If you could summon all your guts and courage into one being, what form would it take?
A golden eagle.
I like the Golden Eagle! I am going to borrow it, especially since it is the mascot from my high school, the same school my kids attend.
A gazelle.
Because I like Dave Ramsey, and I have, for all intents and purposes, put it in gear and run like hell from XH’S disorderedness like a gazelle escaping from a cheetah.
I choose a Siamese cat. When I lived with my parents we had a Siamese and a standard poodle. Our poodle had a bad disposition, but he always gave the cat a respectful wide berth. We could never understand how our soft, sweet, benevolent seeming kitty could put this poodle into almost nervous breakdown mode. Then one day we arrived home early and we saw our seemingly sweet, lovable kitty riding on the back of the poodle with his claws clearly embedded into him! Apparently the Siamese was keeping him in tow by riding him like a bull at a rodeo! Kitty was showing him who was the boss! Looks can be deceiving and I know I had always been the easy going, compliant, fair minded chump who never rocked the boat. I know my ex was hoping I would carry that through mediation, but I’ll be damned! I rode him like a bull in a rodeo! Still waters run deep and don’t let my chumpy, fuzzy exterior fool you. The claws WILL come out when you least expect it. Survival of the fittest!
You got that right sister.
I am going with my sign- the scorpio. They can adapt to harsh environments by slowing metabolism while maintaining the ability to quickly spring into action using their unique venom to paralyze and kill in self defense.
Roberta, I going to mentally take you with me to mediation. I am taking your “NO” from yesterday and the damn bull riding today! I NEVER rocked the boat (eggshells) and I feel I am kind. I’ve been thinking of some things that I could have taken but left behind, asked my lawyer not to do because of fear,thinking of all the damn money he has and at this moment his mom is in hospice so he has not paid support and we have NO money. I am not demeaning his mom and have offered my help if he could give me something specific. I just know he is not there 24 hrs because he has a dog,a life, and maybe working his side job, but can’t find the time to give what he agreed to. Excuses! Ding, just got overdraft notice! Luckily we have food. Sorry about the rant.
I had cancer as well. (16 yrs ago)Short version-I knew we were going to divorce and after being home with first child, I went back to work. Got pregnant which was a good thing because i was going to OB and and that age I probably would have ignored the lump. It was agrassive at stage 3 and I did an experimental treatment. He took me to most appointments which I felt he did out of obligation and pity from friends. He pointedly told me he was truthful to me during that time-bitch cookie-, and he did not cheat because I only had one breast. While doing the pick us dance, I actually went to several Drs to see about reconstruction because the comment was hurtful. UGGH time and money wasted there. Now I think anyone who gets to see my scars is going to feel privileged. My first treatment he left and I waited on the curb to be picked up. Wanted BJ after I got sick with chemo. No sex because I did not have an immune system. Toward the end of the marriage he did infect me with STDS ( I was faithful) and I even stayed after that. Thankfully it was not when I did not have an immune system which may be a reason they say no sex. I have only been out 6 months and one of the things he said after I left was that he wondered if I was sick again because I was acting strange. Wouldn’t you ask your wife if cancer had returned? Maybe he did not ask because he thought it would be another bad pap and wanted to avoid that scene. Everyone who has lived with these people know there are more pieces involved. Huge Chump! As a response to the post yesterday-Yes I am angry.
I want an animal Patronus but can’t think of one. It would have to be quiet, quick, so subtle he would never see it coming. I’ll have to think about that. I do use thoughts of being surrounded by my family. My deceased brother who said we did not deserve to be treated like that and left me his home to move into, and all deceased grandparents and relatives because I know they would never want us living like that. I also propel myself with thoughts of my kids who deserve more attention, kindness, love, direction,modeling respect, and stability.
Informal, feel free to channel my “no” and my super Siamese anytime. Just know that when you go into mediation you don’t have to agree to anything if it doesn’t benefit you. I had made a list of all my non-negotiables in the months leading up to the divorce. I knew exactly what I wanted and what I needed. Basically my ex was short sighted. He wanted to settle the taxes he was unable to pay in 2013 and get the 2014 taxes done. He also wanted to wiggle out of lifetime spousal support. I negotiated with those two things, but I was very focused and had plan B and C if it didn’t work out. Right around hour 2 he was folding like nobodies business! I went for solid assets. Such as investments, the house, cars, savings etc. things I knew I could turn into larger sums to secure my future. I am no spring chicken at 59 and I was not willing to give up the lifestyle I enjoy. Bottom line: know what you need and go for it! Then let your lawyer do the talking, but be clear to your lawyer about what you are and are not willing to negotiate. Don’t feel sorry for your cheater cause they chose this! He is not your problem anymore. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions!
Thanks Roberta,
I’m fifty with one in college and another to go. At this time they are both no contact as well. I have put thought into long term survival mode and what i am not willing to let go which is my standard of living and helping the kids. It has already hit rock bottom this week. It took six months to make our needs disappear and the thought of mediation makes me turn to jelly. He is an angry person and deals with cash so its going to be hard. He does have a lot of toys and we own property as well. Dread it but I will be so glad when it is over!
Don’t worry Informal! These mediators have seen these types of situations before. Your cheater may think he has come up with a novel idea to “hide” assets, but the courts have seen it all and know what they are up to! Just be calm and collected. Let your attorney do the talking and you will be fine. I know I dreaded going also, but it was the strangest thing, once I arrived at his attorney’s office no less, I came face to face with the cheater. He actually looked at me in the foyer of this office and nonchalantly asks, “hey, how are you?” I didn’t say a word to him and planted my behind in a chair, picked up a copy of a magazine and ignored him totally! I felt and was calm surprisingly enough. I guess I knew I needed to focus on my needs rather than expend a lot of emotion on a useless idiot! I also knew that he was wrong from start to finish so his goose was cooked! You are going to do fine. And I have no doubt that cheaters never really win, experience bears that out! Good Luck to you and you will be on my mind until I hear about the outcome. Besides, you don’t need luck, good people, honest people are always way ahead of cheaters!
Roberta…that reminds me of my sweet little dog ‘Teddie’ she was a 4lb puppy Shih tzu at the time and she would put the run on the neighbor’s Doberman when it came in our yard. We’d just crack up laughing at the sight!
I guess I’ll channel Teddie.
A black mamba (deadly snake of the cobra variety)
That was meant as a suggestion for informal.
Roberta I am laughing so hard about this cat!!! Tears are running down my checks:))))
Roberta–I love the “make the poodle my bitch” concept (with sympathy for the poodle, but the sweet exterior/claws out dichotomy is wonderful!!).
Mother Fucker Jones, the murder consultant from the movie Horrible Bosses.
Omg. I Used the code initials M FJ.
LMAOOOO YES!!!!! This^^^^^^^^^^
Ahhhhhhh ahahahah!
Heck yeah Baby!!! 😉
A starfish
A friend reminded me that a starfish’s arms can be ripped off but over time they will regenerate. I bought a starfish ring & a pillow for my bed as reminders that I too will regenerate.
They also push their stomach inside out to digest everything in their path. They can be badass too.
Love the starfish even more!
Sometimes a fire-breathing dragon, sometimes a Gorgon with hair-of-snakes. Neither takes prisoners.
OMG, my STBX2 has always imagined himself as a BlueDragon, hahahahahaha!!!!
Seriously, what kind of self-respecting dragon is blue? Cheater dragons.
Puff theMagic Dragon!
Ha! Can’t trick me–Puff is a sweet *green* dragon, and I have the book depicted here to prove it:
http://www.amazon.com/Puff-Magic-Dragon-Peter-Yarrow/dp/1402747829/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1428714422&sr=8-1&keywords=puff+the+magic+DRAGON
I feel sure of it–blue dragons are cheater dragons. (My patronus is one of those red Chinese dragons. And she eats cheaters for breakfast & spits out their bones & eyeballs.)
Blue Dragons suck donkey dick…Red Dragons kick ass!
LOL TheClip. I haven’t heard the donkey dick reference in a while!
My dragon eats Blue Dragons.
A salamander. Just kidding;) I have two dogs, so I am going with… oh.. a large dilute Bull Mastiff 🙂 Loyal, territorial, but it’s a big dog, so don’t abuse it because that can’t turn out well.
I’m the phoenix rising from the ashes. I’ve been so emotionally and psychologically so beaten down but I will not be broken like he thought I would.
@ RobertA..definitely survival of the fittest and smartest. I don’t have to do much but wait this out. My disordered ex pos will self destruct in due time.
Tempest, great, but scary! I prefer to lull my prey into believing I am fuzzy, warm and sweet, but cross me and I hiss, claw, bite and in general make the “poodle my bitch
I enjoy the thought of a Puma or a ferocious female cat of any sort that protects the hell out of it’s cub. I imagine she is calm and loving with those closest to her but will defend herself at all costs against a threat. It helps too that she’s incredibly fast, to retreat from danger when necessary. I think I like the idea of a cat because they’re not just brute strength, they’re intellect too. They observe, they absorb and then they take precise action.
I dig it.
TheBetterJamie – yes! Fucker knew I was born a Leo, and my b-day also happend to be during the Year of the Tiger. I have a lot of ass-kicking, cub-defending, intelligent, aggressive, competitive, and dominant characteristics about myself. It’s what drew his weak-minded ass to me back in high school. It turned out to be what he ran from; he couldn’t keep up or compliment my personality at all.
That’s why he chose to scheme against me and stab me in the back. He knew I’d attack, defend, and kill (if necessary) if he came at me and my children from the front.
Turns out, after 8 months of controlling the tiger/lion in me by not attacking the whore and his married whore-worker, and instead waiting prayerfully and patiently, and focusing on my healing while lining up my ducks, I realized he wasn’t even worth any kind of a fight. I realized I’d been alone for years anyway, and I accepted that over 23 years, he brought zero value to my or my children’s lives.
I only roared, swung at, and bared my teeth and claws to his lawyer in the temp hearing and mediation (my lawyer was useless). I’m a professional PR practitioner, so generating details and messaging, articulating who the adulterer/abandoner is, and what will and WILL NOT happen concerning my only under-18 child was simple for me. I got what I wanted, and protected my daughter from his crazy ass, and his weak-ass lawyer backed down from me. Both times (he couldn’t even make eye contact with me within 30 minutes!).
I had bought a sizeable jade tiger necklace years prior to all this crap. I just didn’t know I was wearing my patronus around my neck for a reason. Now I know.
(((Hugs))) to all you mighty women and men!!
KF_MM–Me, too!! Leo, born in the year of the tiger. Parented alone (and don’t mess with my young!)
Hey, Tempest! Awesome, girl!! Tigers and Leos unite! =D
I hear you. Same kind of stuff here. And the part about the female felines – so true. I just get so frustrated that I put up with it for so long. A friend told me when I was first married to always keep a huge iron frying pan in the kitchen – just to have on hand in case it is needed. If we only knew, the symbol of matrimony.
This is an easy one for me!! I am totally a Tiger! I always envision Katie Perry’s “ROAR” song playing in the background. I’m a very musical person and that song speaks to me. I can hear it now : “you held me down, but I got up. Already brushing off the dust. You hear my voice? You hear that sound? Like thunder gonna shake the ground. You held me down, but I got up. Get ready cause I’ve had enough. I see it all. I see it now. I’ve got the eye of the tiger, a fighter. Dancing through the fire. Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR”. Hells to the yes! This song and the visual is conjures speak to me! This vision really carried me when I felt weak. It propelled me to the attorney, to apply for a restraining order, to finally stand up for myself.
Additionally – what is it we know about the lioness or tigress? They keep, feed, nurture, teach, and care for their cubs almost exclusively ALONE.
I’m positive that every member of Chump Nation is a part of the same pride…
I’m an owl — careful watching what’s happening from all directions. I’ll hoot when I need help but otherwise, I will quietly take to my perch and just observe. Then when I need to I will swoop in quietly and reek havoc.
It’s been two years that we’ve been working on this agreement and I let my lawyer do the talking and I just let her do what she’s been paid to do. He’s in a tizzy and I’m calmly watching from my tree.
CL –thanks for this exercise. It’s calming to realize who I am and what I’m doing! It gives strength!
Owls are amazingly territorial. A family I know had one adopt them – it had got injured and the dad of the family set its wing and nursed it back to health and then let it go… only it cottoned on that the pickings were rich around their place and she never left. Ulla lived with them (perfectly and completely free) in a keep on their deck for about a decade till she finally died of old age. Anyway, there had been a string of burglaries in their area and then one day my friend got back from school to see signs of a break-in… only there were possessions all over the deck and just inside and nearby, and a bit of blood and signs of a struggle… and Ulla sitting there, preening. They had no other pet.
A few months later she attacked a bull mastiff that was visiting so ferociously that they had to take the dog to the vet. A small, fluffy, partly blind barn owl. Very small. Really very unassuming and a bit tatty. No more break-ins, attempted or otherwise.
Love the owl: we are not the chumps we at first appeared to be. Stealth power!
Sightings of owls can mean adultery is at play.
I don’t know where I read that, but I remember in the year leading up to BD seeing more owls than I usually would!
Love this story about the owl!! Mine would be an owl, too. I have been fascinated with owls for the last 5 or 7 years but have not been able to see any. Then, during the year of X’s affair, I saw several; different owls in different places – some wild and some at a local aviary. I read some books about owls and people started sending me photos of owls. After D-day while I was still living with him we had a pair of little screech owls visiting our trees in our yard every night for about a week. They made these cute little noises and we saw them with flashlights. Never in 25 years did we have owls in our yard. I felt like all of these owls were bringing me wisdom, vision and insight.
Owls can see in the dark. They symbolize wisdom and vision. They fly silently. When they feel threatened they will attack and they will go for the eyes with their tremendous, razor-sharp talons, and the victim will never hear or see the owl coming and won’t know what hit them. I feel like I became ferocious like this after D-day. My X thought I would accept what he did. We are divorced now.
What a cool story! I’ve always been so fascinated by owls. Now I know why!!! Lol, Ulla sounds like a badass, my kind of chick!
I like it, Susan!
My patronus would come with lime and salt.
A mama bear. You mess with my girls, that’s how I roll
Redless–a woman after my own heart! Yes, patronus with lime & salt.
Yes, thank you Tempest!!!!!!! I was hoping someone would get that. I’ll tip one back for you Toots
me too, redless. I came at him in full force when he stopped helping with the bills. Mess with the money that puts food on the table and provides a roof for my daughter and I’ll fight you tooth and nail.
Count me in as a Mama bear, too. Fuck with my kids, and I’ll take you down hard.
I have had to ponder this one for a little while. I think my patronus is some sort of mythical creature that can fly and move swiftly on ground. It has flaming red fire wings and a huge mane of red hair. It’s terribly calculating and unpredictable. It bides it’s time and goes into action at the right time. But don’t anger the son of a bitch. It attacks when provoked whether its an attack on the creature itself or those that the creature protects. Grrrrrr!
I love this idea. I’m going to go with a Scorpion which is my star sign. Before I got with idiot man all through my teens I loved that I was a don’t mess with me Scorpio. That side of me withered away over the years with the idiot but I think I’ll reclaim it now.
Also a Phoenix (which I use as online and on my blog) which I am going to get as my next tattoo.
THIS
“I’m going to go with a Scorpion which is my star sign. Before I got with idiot man all through my teens I loved that I was a don’t mess with me Scorpio. That side of me withered away over the years with the idiot but I think I’ll reclaim it now.”
Scorpios are fiercely passionate & loyal until betrayed.
Then it is all stings & scorched earth for the party who has wronged you
I got a Phoenix tattoo on my left pectoral. It reminds me every morning that I truly came back from the dead. I don’t do tattoos, but it’s one of the best things I’ve done in my life.
CheaterPhoenix when my son deployed to Afghanistan, we got matching tattoos. Double infinity rings. Mine on my ankle and his on his trigger finger. He is now stateside, thanks be to God. He will be home soon on leave and we will again get matching tattoos. We have decided on a Phoenix. Fixing from the ashes is something I have had to do many times in my life. And he too has faced and is facing challenges due to his deployment. We will rise again!!!!
As far as my patronus, I think mine is the Honey Badger. Mean, kick your ass, hell to the NO and fuck that shit kind of animal. 🙂
Honey Badger don’t give a shit! Love that video!
Live it! I laughed for a long time, thanks! A Honey Badger – hell to the NO and fuck that shit. Exactly!
LOVE it is what I meant, but live it works too!
Yeah definitely Phoenix. I’d never heard of a Patronus until yesterday and then did a quiz to find out what my Patronus is (the things you learn at Chump Lady!). It was a Phoenix which was really no surprise as I already identify with this wonderfully mythical creature and wear a red Phoenix pendant. Being a chump is not the first time I have had to arise out of the ashes to be reborn….
Out of the blue the other day, my supportive friend txted me “How goes Project Scorpio?” which I thought apt. So now when we text, Project Scorpio is code for “divorce my cheating wife.” So another vote for Scorpion!
Buddy, Scorpio is also code on the TV series Flashpoint for take out the idiot with the gun jeopardizing folks out there… Pretty apt in these situations with cheaters… Go Scorpio !!!
Lol jinx
Can I have a scorpion?
Ok. I changed my mind. My patronus is a lion.
I also like gardening shears. And a mama water buffalo, and a curly horned goat, and a sagetorius and let’s keep the scorpion and a boar. I’ve got a team.
I acquire patroni.
And for wisdom, we need the owl and the elephant, and how about one of those trees that does not falter in a storm (with living branches.) Fiercely loyal.
And I want the wind on my side, and St. Benedict for healing all wounds.
And lady liberty (Thomas Paine’s version, half clad) with rock solid resolve, stepping forward.
Bluedragon, you are nothing.
Friend how did you change your icon?? I can’t figure out how to do it!! LOL. 🙂
Irish,
I set up a gravatar account. (search “gravatar account” and click on the word press icon).
Glad that your son is home safe!
Thanks Friend!! I am very relieved he is home. Being an Army mama is tough!!!
I have a Queen in my belly, a tall, regal, masterful woman of power. Think of Galadriel when she reveals her power to Frodo. Fearless, strong and a total bitch when needed. The Queen can shoot sparks out of her eyes if necessary and make any demon back down. No man is her match. No problem defeats her.
// ,
“In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!”
Oooh, that’s a good one!
I always think of Sylvia Plath of queen bees:
“I
Have a self to recover, a queen.
Is she dead, is she sleeping?
Where has she been,
With her lion-red body, her wings of glass?
Now she is flying
More terrible than she ever was, red
Scar in the sky, red comet”
A large black cat. Quick, stealthy, fearless, smart. Defends its territory–and me–from the ground or a high perch. (Doesn’t Prof. McGonigal have a cat patrons? I need to re-read the books…)
A shark. Always watching, seldom seen, calculating, knowing everything but revealing nothing until the time is right.
No patronus here.
But I do have a Harry Potter reference. When I thought about how my ex loved to keep “friends” after the relationship(s) went inappropriate, I thought of Professor Slughorn and his “collection” of students. I made it clear I was not going to be put in that collection, though.
In light of today’s Harry Potter reference, I would wish to be a wizard so that I could cast one of the 3 unforgivable curses on stbx-mainly the Cruciatus Curse. That way he could experience the horrific pain he has caused me. I would say the Avada Kedavra Curse but my little boy would be crushed if his crappy dad wasn’t around anymore……………
But don’t let that stop you muttering ‘Riddikulus’ under your breath. Best way to deal with boggarts.
I swear JK Rowling had a relationship with a sociopath. That whole thing about Voldemort hiding pieces of his soul around in little compartments. Turns out Rowling was in an abusive marriage before she was a single mom and wrote the books. She gets the workings of the disordered. Slughorn for sure, and Dolores Umbridge, the “sweet” vicious suck up.
JK Rowling was already an inspiration in my time of woe,the year after Dday, as I thought of her, raising her kids as a divorced mom, sitting there in the coffee shop writing Harry Potter — and look where she is now!! Many times, I thought of her and thought, “Well, if JK Rowling can do it, you can, too.” But to know her XH was a jerk just puts icing on the cake.
Absolutely. And how they leave scars…
Agreed. She writes convincingly about the disordered. And Voldemort does sound like a sociopath for sure.
I knew her vaguely before all the HP stuff kicked off, and yep, that is the case. The legend that she wrote the books in Edinburgh coffee shops to spare the heating bill is 100% truth.
Mehphista–are you in Edinburgh, then? I may be nearby toward the end of July (with KarmaExpress). If you’d be interested in meeting up, let me know [tempest.ariel2014@gmail.com]
This is very timely.. The Harry potter reference… I was just telling my friend the other day that cheating is a lot like dark magic .. If you practice it n hurt people, the only way back is to feel truly remorseful but the pain of it can kill you!! That’s why most death eaters won’t even attempt it… Don’t want to own upto their crap or feel remorse Cuz it’s too much work n pain… It’s uncomfortable so they would rather inflict pain on others… So true of cheaters!!! Although I prefer to call cheaters – soul eaters instead 🙂
In addition to my golden eagle who gets everything in front of me. I keep a gargoyle for the back. I’ve dumped everything and everybody in my life who irritates me and brings me down but one. Gargoyles are not evil they were placed to keep evil spirits out. Who knew one evil spirit disguised as my spouse was living in the building.
As a life long hiker and climber, I think my Patronus is the mountains that I look up to from my bedroom window. After the affair, I remember looking up at the mountains as they basked in the glow of a summer sunset, and I was no longer able to see or feel their beauty. Feeling empowered, I said to myself “I WANT MY MOUNTAINS BACK.”
I love that thought Buddy!
I love the mountains. I live in Alaska, and whenever I get too wrapped up in my head, all I have to do is throw the dogs in the car & head up there, feel the Earth beneath my boots… Fixes everything right up.
Thank you for that lovely picture.
A Griffin.
From Wikipedia: “…is a legendary creature with the body, tail, and back legs of a lion; the head and wings of an eagle; and an eagle’s talons as its front feet. Because the lion was traditionally considered the king of the beasts and the eagle the king of birds, the griffin was thought to be an especially powerful and majestic creature. The griffin was also thought of as king of all creatures. Griffins are known for guarding treasure and priceless possessions.
‘Nuf sed!
“I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey ‘ol man” from Talledaga Nights.
That line always cracks me up. So today, it will be the spider monkey. 🙂
Hilarious!
A kickass Viking warrior woman. And believe me I know how to wield an ax.
I was constructing a new garden bed in our backyard a few months befor d’day and the only way to get the plants out of the decayed old plastic pots was to spit it with the ax. While I am working my ass off, XH is sitting at the back table with some random guy he had invited over to quote on taking a few branches out of a large tree in the yard. I split the pot and I hear my stupid X comment ‘I bet you weren’t expecting that? That’s why I married her!’ WTF???
That’s why you married me?
Well as of today I am wielding an ax of a legal kind to my XH’s future.
Viking shieldmaidens were fucking awesome. This is my Anger Patronus, too – kinda fitting really, because my roots originated in Scandinavia probably around that time. If theres such thing as past lives I reckon I was probably one of them – not taking shit from invaders and cracking some heads open.
And I know how to wield an axe too! Packing any sort of steel – beware!
Me, from 21 years ago. There was a woman who took no shit from anyone. I was a single mom working two jobs. When asked if I didn’t need a man in my life I’d say my life was hard enough,I didn’t have the patience for another toddler. She was strong, tough, and supremely confident that she could handle whatever life threw her. I know she’s got to still be in here somewhere.
Trusting …^^yes!^^
I had a signitifant dream during XH’s adultery years/pre Dday. It told me all I needed to know though it made no sense at the time. It ended with me being greeted by myself at age 28 – right before marriage. I was financially independent, called a spade a spade, and walked away from craziness. She is my patronus again. In my darkest days, it was Jesus. He and I actually make a great team now.
Amen to team Jesus and reclaiming our old selves. I’m right there with you
This reminds me of a dream I had right after Dday where I was following a car down a really steep winding hill. (I hate heights.) There was green grass on either side of me and the sky was bright blue. All of a sudden I realized tht the car I was following had disappeared and I was at the bottom of the massive hill. I now saw a roadway in front of me and one off to the side. I had to decide whether to go back up the hill I came down or go forward and take one of the other roads.
I’ve never ever had such a vivid dream. I still think about it all the time. It means a lot to me to know that I’m climbing up the hill in front of me and not going back the way I came!
wonderful dream, Susan. i keep a dream journal and when i re-read it, i see all sorts of “knowing”. dream on up your hill 🙂
My Patronus from the darkest of days when he was the craziest and most unpredictable was that I was a stone pillar…a solid, unmoving, strong, unchanging and predictable…he was like swirling colored smoke…different, unpredictable, affected by unseen forces – you couldn’t remember what he was like or know what he would be next. Imagine the colored smoke swirling around the stone pillar…every moment was slightly different – if you took a picture of it, but the time you glanced at thephoto, the situation was already different.
Now that those most desperate of days are over, I am more myself…a strong loving middle aged anglo woman who (if dead H were to walk into the room and serve me up a shit sandwich like he did 2000 times before) would stare back at him unmoved and uninterested…blinking in silence thinking how little his opinions about anything matter to me.
Lioness. Because they love and protect their children at all cost, and when some lame ass male tries to screw up the pride or eat the children – she and her other sisters rise up to beat the shit out of him. That pride, from where I sit, is the Chump Nation! (I realize guys are in Chump Nation too – but prides are all about the ladies so I had to roll with that!)
During one of the more stressful periods after I had decided to divorce, I was in a store with my son and came across a Lego Darth Vader keychain. Darth Vader has been hanging out with my keys ever since. I use it to remind myself that I am tough and strong and that I don’t have to be nice all the time.
MIne is me as a girl. I was a book-wormy nerd, but we lived in a rural area. It’s going to sound like I was a feral child, but I can remember doing some pretty badass things like watching coyote play in the field across from us while I waited for this bus, without being scared. And playing in the woods and being confronted by stray dogs , snakes, and wildlife and knowing how to handle myself. Picture a tatty eight year old walking through the woods all day with a big walking stick-it was a little wild! I had a friend with a horse, and we would hop on bareback and go have an adventure. My Dad made sure I could drive a go-cart, use the riding lawn mower, and use a shop full of power tools at a pretty young age. I stood up for myself and my friends and had a strong sense of right and wrong. Then I turned into a teenager and became something else completely. She’s hiding behind a suburban soccer mom facade now, but she’s still there!
Yes! Me before I started limiting myself. I think of if as the “best me” – all the good parts – rising to the top to fight as needed!
Funny-I don’t have a patronis, but my ex is my Boggart and I have the spell “Riddikulus” posted to my monitor to remind myself how rediculous he is and to laugh at him make him disappear.
This is awesome. I am going to use it!
Perfect, I will have to try that one, too.
Let’s see. For real creatures, it would be a tiger. They are just magnificent animals.
For fantasy, some one above mentioning the mountains gave me an idea. My Patronus would be The Ocean. I love it. Majestic, powerful, beautiful, serene. It would protect good, faithful, innocent people but when OWhores touched it they would be swept away to the underground world of WhorLantis. Lol, there all cheaters would spend eternity making good on all those “promises,” they made. They could do nothing but text, email, talk, screw, etc. all day, every day till the end of timowte little
Damn phone. SB every day till the end of time. Their own private, couples only personal hell. Kind of like Sandals resort, but sinister.
My patronus is a cougar and I adopted her image as my avatar on all my social media before I even left my ex. She sleeps for the moment but is ready to leap into action at any time.
This anteater, right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSsURePgcH4
HELLZ yes.
Awesome!! Who knew that about the seemingly-placid anteater?
Thug life, who knew. No cute kittens there.
I’m very easy to get along with, until I notice you fucking me over. Then? I’ll show you my full height. I used to give people the benefit of doubt.
No more. I feel like trouble only spreads my might wider… maybe a flying squirrel?! lol – but this video just launched itself into my mind, when I saw the call for my patronus. 😛
Badger. Mean as hell when they are attacked. Smart as heck when they try to get in or out of someplace…or when the smell food…
I love badgers. They are often represented in Native American traditions for their powerful capacity to defend their territory.
Yes, but the lost to the Blue Devils, Scott.
The Badgers were chumped by coach k and his verbally-abused refs!
never thought i see sports talk on chumplady.com
I was pulling for the Badgers. Bo Ryan was not happy with the refs.
Alright, to prevent the guys-only sports thread, let me just say I was pulling for the Badgers, too. How many F’ing times does Duke have to win the NCAA?
I go with an Opossum, one with rabies.
That is hysterical! They might be slow moving, but they sure have scary TEETH! And apparently rabies
One with rabies! That is so awesome Arnold!
Lol Arnold no rabies for you. All mammals can carry rabies. However, it’s actually very rare for possums to carry the disease. This is party because opossums have a slightly below average body temperature, and the rabies virus can’t thrive at this lower temp.
Drat. How about scurvy or berri berri?
Arnold, think more dangerous–hormones! Hormonal Opossum out of chocolate. Now that is one mean and dangerous creature. ha ha ha
Lol.
Will leptospirosis server your purposes, Arnold? (Contagious in a way scurvy is not.)
Oh Arnold, I almost laughed my tea up my nose at this!
Mama Bear! I feel like I am still protecting my children, our home, and our belief system. I also pray the Armor of God prayer when I start to feel he is up to something that is harmful to our family life. EXPECTO PATRONUM!
Mine is a little white foster dog that recently found a home. For some reason, while she was in my care, I could stand up to bullshit happening around me. As soon as she left a couple of weird things happened which I felt were emotionally abusive. I suppose my guard was down toward people because I was mourning her at the same time I was happy she found a home. I’m going to continue to hold her little badass attitude in my heart forever.
Taurus the Bull that I am…loving, kind earth mother…till pushed to the nth degree…then…LOOK OUT! 🙂 Better RUN and keep your head down 🙂
It takes a lot to rile me…but, once riled LOOK OUT. I will not be abused! Nor will I allow those that I love to be abused!
xmr morphed into, or finally SHOWED, his true self – disordered, uncaring, cheating, lying, self-centered preening asshole – and UH OH – pushed me too far this time!
I imagine he spends a lot of time squatted in a corner somewhere, drooling, lost in his irrational mind trying to figure out what the hell happened!
Jeepin4me, I found your description of your cheater delightful! I hope each and everyone of these disordered fucktards end up that way!
Spot on here. By definition, chumps has sold themselves short and have a lot more power than they realize. It’s been three years of dealing with and moving on from finding out my wife had a boyfriend she had neglected to tell me about. It was a progression of patronuses (patroni?)
1) Initially, cold hearted and calculating snake. Hacked into emails, withheld what I knew until it was important, intimated that I knew everything (when I didn’t) . Needed to get all “The Art of War” and shit.
2) 1970’s crap TV reference: the alien robot Sasquatch from the 6 Million Dollar Man. Powerful, can fight Steve Austin but ultimately friendly.
3) Happy, lean and quick racehorse.
Go get ’em chumps!
Chumpion–you’re a transformer patronus!
My Patronus is the inspiration of my username: Boudica – Queen of the Celtic Iceni Tribe, and she, with the rest of her clan and other tribal allies in ancient Britain, took on the greatest force at the time: The Roman Empire. At first she and her husband were in harmony with their Roman usurpers in exchange for a façade of autonomy over their lands. However, when Boudica was left a widow, the Romans soldiers came in, took over, and publicly beat her and raped her daughters as a show of their dominance (and Misogynistic culture). It invoked such ire in her that she raised a Celtic army and soundly defeated the Roman forces in occupied Britain until more troops were brought in. She is legend. There have been several documentaries about her, and one movie:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=poJXSZZ-bmE
A dragon . . . fire-breathing, preferably. I feel like my anger could destroy villages and take out towns. Or sometimes I imagine myself like Maleficient in the newer Disney Movie. She is mighty and angry because she was betrayed by love, to where her wings were clipped, but she didn’t stop fighting. I know what that kind of soul betrayal feels like and I know what it is like to feel that pain of clipped wings.
A spitting cobra.
My patronus is RuPaul. She’s fierce, on point, and doesn’t dumb it down. One of my favorite sayings of hers is “What other people think of me aint none of my business.” It reminds me to be true to myself and to hell with the haters.
Seriously, if you’re ever feeling deflated, RuPaul’s Drag U is the best remedy ever. It’s like Queen for a Day, but with Drag Queens and lip synching. Good stuff.
RuPaul is awesome!
I love Ru too-
It’s been my guilty pleasure since it started.
Those queens are fierce & don’t take any crap!!
Plus, a few of those ladyboys are some really gorgeous women.
Makes me a little jealous…..ha ha!
I read Ru’s book Working It, and found this gem that got me through the post D-day swamp:
“No more hiding. No more dumbing down. Rise up and be fierce! Fierceness is a deliberate decision to be clear, precise, and on point. Rise up and be fearless, like a Maasai warrior. Stake your claim in this lifetime. Remember who you really are. Unleash the dragon and let–these–bitches–have–it!”
A cross between Madeleine Albright and a fox.
When her husband did not win the Pulitzer, he divorced her for another woman, and then she became Secretary of State. The end.
If he already had a mistress and the Pulitzer was Madeleine’s “pick me” dance card, good riddance, I say.
While he was undecided about the marriage, he would call and inform her in percentages how much he loved her versus his mistress on a particular day.
“One day, he came up with the startling proposition: if he got the Pulitzer, he would stay with me. If not, he would leave and we would get a divorce. I did not know how to react.
Late on the afternoon of April 12, the phone rang. It was Joe. ‘I didn’t get it,’ he said, ‘so I am going back to Atlanta.’ That was that. At least the uncertainty was over. I could never make sense of the possibility that my marriage might have been saved if only the Pulitzer committee had made a different decision.”
I find that weirdly passive and chumpy of her. If my husband came home and told me what percentage of him loved his mistress more than me, I would at least see a lawyer. She left it to HIM (and the Pulitzer committee) to determine it was over? The woman should’ve walked.
I knew a gentleman who worked for Madaleine Albright when she was Secretary of State. He absolutely adored her and said she was kind, sincere and he loved his job with her. He couldn’t say enough nice things about her. She is, to say the least, a gracious woman. She is truly a role model for women everywhere. I had no idea until today that she had been chumped! Just goes to show you, it’s not the chump who is screwed up, it’s the disordered, self entitled cheaters! Hope her ex is miserable!
I think the last part was tongue-in-cheek, but agree that I was a little surprised that she played along with his games. Her career achievements post-divorce is what fueled the patronus.
I didn’t read the whole book, but to me it came across as “meh.” Even if that’s not really where she was, I wish I could be like what I imagined of her, that she’s thinking…… ” wtfever you disordered asshat. MEH. Stay or go, because I don’t really give a rat’s ass.”
Someday MY Tuesday will arrive. Until then, I’m just trying to move forward, make good decisions and get over that what I thought the past 25 years was – just wasn’t. It’s hard to fully comprehend and I still feel sort of disoriented a lot of the time. Nevertheless, my mantra is to just keep moving forward. And my patronus, oddly the vibrant poison dart frog. Can’t EVEN touch it.
In the article she doesn’t come across as “meh” years latersaying while she “doesn’t seem to have many regrets. Except for one big one. She still can’t get over losing Joe.
She knows that he behaved badly, and that she might not have become secretary of state if she had remained married. Yet she keeps his name and agonises over the question of how marriages and careers can survive each other.”
And this was 20 years after the fact, after she was SofS.
Dr. – Yeah either way! LOL!
I was reading quickly and that first came across as “poison fart dog”. Dog farts can be deadly. . .
That is so crazy… and I’ll bet her husband’s public persona was elite, intellectual, polished… who would have guessed he was a disordered loon!
What is that line by the guy in the restaurant in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? “. I’m going to kick 100% of your ass”. That’s what she should have told the cheater.
Yeah, where is that story? In the Runaway Husbands book? — AMAZING to read that the XH hinged his decision about whether or not he would divorce her on whether or not he won the Pulitzer. If he did, he would stay. He didn’t so he left. How f***ing disordered is THAT?!?
It’s in her autobiography! She is very graceful how she writes about the divorce. But you can read about it here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/3604635/Divorce-drove-me-to-the-White-House.html
St. Michael the Archangel!!!! Protects the innocent and leads his forces against evil!
Some mean as hell female cat.. a female cat with cubs.. who she would DIE to protect, and who she will not let any cheater asshole stomp all over. Whose future she makes her daily mantra.. her reason to live.. her inspiration.
GROWL…..
I wish I could go with puma or black panther but I feel I’m not calculating enough. I have to go with the tried and true mama bear — a grizzly standing on her hind legs making a grown cheater shit his pants.
xox
ML–I just asked my oldest daughter (a HP fan) for her patronus (tiger or dragon). I’m feeling sentimental as she chose Mama Bear for me.
Oh, that is the best…
A coyote. Adaptable and resilient.
I don’t have a Patronus, but there was a switch that flipped in me one day. Before that moment all I could think was “how can I reach him?” After that it became “how can I protect myself from him?” What flipped the switch was him saying “When I look in my future, YOU’RE not in it” as he walked out the door. What made me crazy was him sending an email the next day saying we would still be friends. It was crazy making!! At that point all I wanted was to get the hell away from him.
I’m extremely protective of myself now. Sometimes I think I’ll never be able to let down my defenses enough for someone else to get in.
Lyn, I think we were married for a similar length of time and I also wondered “how can I reach him”. I protect myself way too much now and believe me, there is absolutely no way anyone will ever get close to me again because I don’t trust a soul. I have a wall built around myself now that is 3 feet thick.
Same with me ladies. Wasted words trying “to reach” a sociopath after 30 years. I don’t have a Patronus, and maybe that is my state of mind at this moment. For right now, I imagine myself a butterfly emerging from my chrysalis and flitting away from cheater.