Why Do You Still Do This? A Peek Behind the Scenes at Chump Central
Maybe you’ve wondered where those Chump Lady columns come from. Do snarky elves visit in the night and leave them in your Facebook feed? Perhaps a wicked fairy pricked a sleeping baby, muttered a curse, and the child grew up to be a blogger instead of a sensible accounting major? Magical goats?
Nope. It’s me, Chump Lady.
AKA, Tracy, a regular person with a full-time job and not nearly enough coffee. I know you approached Monday looking forward to the Universal Bullshit Translator gobbling drunken ex sexts and instead you get this column. Me expounding on 7 years as Chump Lady.
The blog-a-versary was Friday, April 19 and I needed a weekend to compose my thoughts. (Actually, I needed a weekend to go worship the wisteria at Dumbarton Oaks. Do you love pretty blooming things? GO THERE. It’s wisteria MECCA. Not much writing happened this weekend. I blame the wisteria.)
I’ve been slinging snark at the RIC Goliath for seven years, and I think they’ve suffered a flesh wound. Sure, the Reconciliation Industrial Complex still dominates the infidelity discourse, but the Consider Life Without a Jerk message ricochets off their noggins sometimes. Anyone else notice that “pick me dance” has become part of the vocabulary? Or “chump” for that matter?
I think we’re changing the narrative, folks.
To celebrate our CN anniversary, I’m conducting an interview with myself. (It’s much like a lopsided marriage, talking to yourself. I have this skillset. Although it’s rusty now thanks to Mr. CL.)
Why do you still do this? Aren’t you OVER IT by now?
How cool is it to have a job that helps people. Trust me, I think about quitting, because I’d like to have some margin to my life. I get up around 5:30 a.m. Write a column. Go to work. Come home to 400 emails. Some days there are troll attacks. Seven-thousand-word single paragraph emotional vomiting messages. Suicide threats. Weird OW missives asking for my personal insight in to their Schmoopie problems. Password change requests. IT meltdowns (I’m having one right now WHERE ARE MY SHARE NUMBERS, Jetpack? WHY CAN’T YOU PLUG-INS PLAY NICELY TOGETHER?!)
And I get up and do it again, Monday through Friday. Unless I have to be somewhere early, in which case you get a rerun.
Until the advice on being chumped quits sucking, I’ll keep at it. Because the advice out there, really, really sucks. It’s all shit sandwiches over self-protection and self-respect. Hopium over faith in yourself. Shutting up and putting up, instead of owning your voice.
Sure, I’d like to write about other topics some days (and my work lets me do that occasionally), but infidelity is a rich vein — it’s tragedy and comedy. “I wasn’t buying strippers — I was buying self-esteem!” “I didn’t cheat on you. I cheated on your perception that I would cheat on you.”
I’m a writer. This stuff is gold.
Admit it. You’re getting rich on our pain!
I’m not getting rich on this. But wouldn’t that be cool, if you had some sort of Rumpelstiltskin contraption that could spin pain into gold?
It takes money to run this site. Those IT problems don’t solve themselves. Nor does WPEngine host this much traffic without charge.
Those incredibly annoying ads allow me to break even, and come a bit ahead sometimes. But Patreon has been a game changer. You guys owe everything to the generous 2 percent of readership who subscribe. Seriously, THANK YOU Patrons.
Is this like one of those public radio fundraisers? Are you going to guilt me into a tote bag?
Guilt yes. Tote bag no.
I’ve considered other ways of supporting this site that don’t rely on a minority of generous people. And I feel immense guilt that I can’t always perform greater feats of content for subscribers. I’ve got some podcasts, a wreck of a video chat (fuck it, I’ll move to youtube) — and I could charge a minimal fee and let only subscribers read new content and leave the archives and older posts free.
It’s a continuing challenge. But I return to the mission of being a resource. I want everyone to find this place who needs it. To find this community. And a pay wall is off-putting and doesn’t help the mission. So — we’re back to the hero model of Patreon.
So how’s that revolution going?
Two weeks ago — this blog flipped 25 million page views, with nearly 5 million unique visitors to the site. (I don’t think all of them were stalking exes. I’m waiting for that Google analytic.)
I fully expect people to graduate from needing this site, and I’m very grateful to the folks who return to help the newbies. The point is gaining a new life. But what these numbers tell me is that chumpdom is VERY common. And we’re becoming the go-to resource to rival the RIC.
I’m very proud of all we’ve accomplished! Thank you for sharing this site with others. Thank you for reviewing my book wherever you purchased it. Thank you for all you do to help your fellow chumps.
The other crazy thing that I never, ever would’ve expected when I started this place, is the popularity of chump meet-ups. They’re all over the globe! In May, I met the Chumps of Australia! And last month I met a group of chumps in DC/Baltimore. It never stops being amazing to me how people connect over this site.
Chump Lady pretty much lives in my head. When I meet someone who reads here, it’s very disconcerting. It’s as if your imagination bit your nose. To meet someone who’s been helped by CN makes me misty and shy. I know real people are at the end of my computer, but it never stops being incredible to witness mighty in person.
What’s next? World domination. Okay, not really. But sort of. WPML is a plug-in that translates EVERYTHING here into as many as 40 languages. I’m starting with Spanish. Working out the kinks now — and if you’re worried that’s “Me talk pretty one day” translation — I can have volunteer translators clean up stuff. (But I’d have to trust you, I’m still working that out. Hire someone or volunteers…)
Is there a language you’d like to see this blog in? Let’s talk.
Well folks… there’s more to say. But the morning is getting late. In the comments, I’d love to know if you’ve met any other chumps through CN. What was that like? And what are you doing to change the narrative?
Happy anniversary and VIVA LA CHUMP REVOLUTION!
Tracy
Love the translation to another languages.
Salute! ????????????
Divorced and four years out from D Day, CN provides such a happy chuckle for me in the morning. Your wit and practical advice is fully appreciated and freeing. Thank you again and again!
This! Yes. Many thanks Tracy! You and CN have helped save my sanity. Ten dollars a month to help this blog reach so many chumps in need is money well spent on my part. I encourage everyone to contribute what you can.
Hey if we all cancel our lousy gym memberships that we are not using and support ChumpLady I truly believe that our money is better well spent!
I traded in my monthly Birchbox subscription for the Patreon subscription. Much better deal by far.
Dear Chump Lady,
There are not enough words in my vocabulary to express my gratitude for your selflessness and dedication to this nation you have created. It is hard, endless work and that is only on the surface. The time and thought you give to chumps beyond the column, comments and forum are astonishing.
Tracy is indeed just like the rest of us (plus some mad writing skills). She has bills to juggle, never enough time to do all she wants to do, family pressures, a demanding job and she lives in an expensive city…PLUS all of us who depend on her.
I have been here (maybe?) since the beginning and will say again how CL’s wisdom, snark and compassion literally saved my life.
The discovery/divorce taught me skills that I never dreamed of and I feel an obligation to assist those who are new and the poor souls who don’t yet know their world has already imploded. We are an amazing nation!
Running this blog, the comments every day, the HUGE forum (yes, even the comments and forum require 24 hour attention) is expensive. If any of you have been shocked at what small IT issues cost for your personal use, just imagine what it costs for every problem a blog this big. It is insanely expensive and time consuming. Tracy dedicates so much of her personal life to helping all of us.
What I do not understand is the imbalance between the number of posts that reference owing their lives to Chump Lady and the relatively small number of people who give every month thru Patreon. There are so many posts that mention inspiration from something another chump wrote yet there would be none of that if Tracy didn’t pay Word Press to host this precious site.
I am not talking about the readers whose financial situations are dire; I hope those chumps will continue to read and crawl their path to a new life. We are here for you.
With 5 million unique users, a monthly donation of $5 or $10 a month MUST be doable for the majority of chumps! If people could really look into the hearts and offer that, Tracy could obliterate the narrative! $20 or more a month would be fabulous. But now only 2% give something!!!! Seriously? And if you can’t give monthly, there is always the donate button for a one-time contribution.
I gave up buying coffee out of the house for a year to contribute a specific number. Then I had to lower my contribution but it was still something.
We cannot let this blog disappear.
Now I will get off my soapbox except to say I love this place and Chump Lady. It is a place where I can go and find understating, laugh a lot and breathe.
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I am totally becoming a patron.
Also, Chumplady, repeat performances of prior posts are great and are NOT you “not doing enough”, as you sometimes sound like you think.
Did you have stuff to do one morning? Being exposed to the rich combination of helpful things in both articles And commentary from posts of any date, especially on this kind of subject, is worthwhile, like rereading a well-written book.
“Wow. I didn’t catch that part before,” or maybe, “With all this currently going on with me, Now I see how useful this piece of advice is, ” and so on. Worthwhile.
Did you just think this one post was good to re-post today, even though you already have the next one written? Run that baby. People visibly love it, and I swear, it’s broadly helpful.
You pursue excellence in this, in an organic fashion, and that serves Chump Nation well. We understand plenty.
Ok. I think this might answer my question – which I’ve submitted a couple of times! If I donate lump sum as opposed to monthly subscription (detested) I get the same access or benefits in accordance with subscription of same value?
In order to have access to any additional podcasts or other benefits, one would have to subscribe through Patreon. Patreon is a stand-alone site that manages both the content and the financial pledges.
I believe it is designed for monthly donations but check out the FAQS page at
https://support.patreon.com/hc/en-us/categories/360000481411-PATRON-BILLING
I could not run this place without you, Rebecca. You’re one of the mightiest stories on here.
Everyone — Rebecca moderates comments on the forums, with Tempest, which is a never-ending task of fishing comments out of the spam filter, and offering support. Just the other week she wrote the most compassionate reply to someone who was posting suicidal messages (and their message got stuck in the spam filter and came to her notice.)
Rebecca, you have a really big heart. Thanks for putting it in the service of CN.
Thanks for all you’ve done, Tracy. Everyone understands if it ends up being too much. I’ve profited from your insight and humor, and it’s certainly helped me move on. Good luck.
Hi Chumplady,
Yes, the whole concept of leaving the cheater and gaining a life is what spouses need to know about. The phrases that you have crafted carefully show a person in the throes of discovery what happened and how to move forward. I am eternally grateful to you, and would have never made it through without the laughter you brought into my world, to heal me.
I am becoming mighty, and will soon have the better paying job, and then I can be fair, and participate in Patreon.
My students have occasionally asked me if I am married. I say, “I was. But he was a bad man, and I told him to hit the road, Jack, and don’t ya come back no more.” They chuckle and shiver, and show a gleam of respect in their eyes.
Thanks again for the healing laughter from your spot-on humor in both writing and cartoons, really, it made such a huge difference.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Tracy! For all you do–unpaid, but deeply appreciated. I found you by accident (as many of us do) while searching for a way to “fix” my broken relationship. Your take on all this made the most sense, but I wasn’t ready to accept it right away. It took a bit more pick-me dancing (i.e., banging my head on the brick wall) before I was able to walk through the door you were patiently pointing out.
The opportunity for chump meetups has been fantastic. I’ve met some great (and mighty) people because of this site, and look forward to meeting up again soon. (Shameless plug for the upcoming NYC chump meetup: Are you in the metro-NYC area? Go to the meetup forum to get the skinny and respond to the survey re: where to meet and what time!)
Maybe I’m missing the most recent thread when I look for it? I only see the post ending in chats about October labeled “NYC Area Meetups”
Hi Sleepless! The most recent NYC thread is currently (as I type this!) 12 threads down in the meetup forum. It was started in July 2018, but there are 4 pages in it. To find the most recent posts and the most recent survey, you need to go to the very end of page 4. Please join us if you can!
Also, it’s titled “NYC Area Chumps”
Cheers to 7 years. This site helped me immensely over the first few years after my divorce. Tracy and CN were a godsend.
I don’t come by as often anymore (per the “gain a life” side of the coin), but to any newly minted chump: stay here as long as you need; vent; commiserate; learn; and help others.
In a world where the Internet’s net benefit is still increasingly in doubt, this site is proof of the upside of the World Wide Web.
Thanks again for all you do. This site made all the difference and i’m so glad an internet stranger sent me here. I’ll continue to do the same for others. You are appreciated.
Where would we all be without you?!!!
Maybe at the Pick Me Dance-A-Thon. (Hey, they shoot horses, don’t they? Lucky horses…chumps had to suffer).
Until Tracy came along!! Thank you, Jesus!
I sent Wendy Williams (of the Wendy Williams show) a link to your book, the blog, and a heartfelt request that she book you on her show.
I am so grateful for you, Chumplady!!
I can’t thank you enough! And yes I subscribe a pittance to assist. My daily fix – it’s my therapy, my sanity, my new reality! I found this site when one of my friends linked to the wonderful chump conference in Newcastle Australia by the fabulous Zhuchi. Meeting you Tracy, hearing the stories, feeling the love, the laughter, the mighty – it fortified my soul! You gave me the courage to believe in me and to change my own narrative. I daily pass my strength and my no nonsense on to others. I would love to attend some more chump meetups in New South Wales Australia.
And the regulars who post on this site! You make my day! UX, Velvet Hammer, Unicornomore, Tempest – the list goes on. What a mighty kick ass supportive community, here because our strength makes our lives better. Thank you!
PS…I have a very dear friend now in Utah whom I met here. We are phone buddies and talk daily, walking together through this shit storm and helping each other. I am eternally grateful for her and without YOU Tracy, we would not have met.
You are both beneficiaries if I win the lottery.
Thank you CL and CN
When I was only a few months out, and stuck in “what’s so wrong with me?” self-pity – I discovered this site. The first thing I read I thought “these are angry angry bitter bunnies” but within few articles I was all “Hang on … they know EXACTLY what’s going on!” got me out the depressed stage and into the angry stage – and eventually I have moved on to semi-acceptance.
My point … become a patron! or even do a one off donation!
If you have ever had any benefit from reading CL she deserves some recognition and reward for her work and helping us all along.
*happily accepting the title of angry bitter bunny when it comes to my feelings about my sociopath, serial cheater, serial rapist, narc ex* 😀
OMG!!
Firstly, you have changed so many people’s lives through your site! Like, SO MANY!!! Chumps can be very suicidal (rightly so) and so I’m sure you’ve saved lives as well. Like equivalent to how many lives a 30-year veteran firefighter in NYC has saved. All from your bed with your Darcy mug and laptop. That’s pretty amazing!
Many of us read your blog like religious cult followers ????????♀️. You are our life line for as long as we need it…. until we gain a life. And still then, when we fall down, CN is there to pick us up 🙂
Thank you for not charging for people to be on your site. With so much bullshit out there, I’m not sure I would have paid, as my brain was not functioning well at that time, but once I got my head together, I became a Patreon subscriber through and through. Maybe we need more fundraising type posts?!
I had my first Chump meet-up a few weeks ago and those guys are the best!!! I could finally just gab on and on about my Cheater exhole and everyone got it! I wasn’t embarrassed or afraid to let out my story. Not only did they get it, they all had their own shit sandwhich stories to tell too. The best part was we were telling our shit sandwich stories (happened in the past) while we were eating real life delicious sandwiches together (happening currently=life gained) ☺️. So many huge hugs to you CL and all of CN ((((CN))))
I found this blog very shortly after DDay and, although I had already filed for divorce, it really helped me understand and process what was going on and stay the course!
I also purchased your book for my local library collection and am happy when I see that it is being circulated so more chumps can read it. Just sad that it’s needed by so many!
Interestingly I met so many chumps in the immediate aftermath of the devastation (when people might have heard TMI from me! 😉 … women who shared their stories and we bonded over the trauma that most people don’t seem to “get”. I still talk to several of them regularly. So it wasn’t directly though this website but it gave me an awareness that there are many other chumps out there and I was able to share your website and wisdom with them as well. Thank you, thank you so much for the work you do!!
Chump Lady,
You amaze me every day! My gratitude is endless. You saved me and SO many more…you created a whole nation. Geez, how sad and how cool is that?
I’m one of those chumps who hung around trying to help anyone new stumbling across this site. All that knowledge I gained by surviving discovery and divorce has to be passed on.
What I do not understand is how hundreds of people comment that Chump Lady has saved their lives but decide not to help with $5 or $10 a month?
I am sure that some truly cannot. But I am also sure that the majority can afford $5, $10 or $20 a month. If you think that $5 a month won’t help, you are SO wrong. There are 5 million unique visitors – do the math!
Chump Lady is just like the rest of us – she has major bills to pay, works very long hours to keep it all going, family to care for and she lives in a city where everything is expensive. She goes out of her own pocket so Chump Nation survives. I don’t think that is fair and isn’t this site is all about fairness?
I’m asking every reader to consider even a tiny donation every month. Do it for the people who came before you, the people whose posts speak to your heart and for this poor souls whose DDays are ahead of them. If you cannot do a monthly donation, use the donation button for a one-time payment.
Sadly, webhosting this column, the comments and the forum along with the endless IT issues are not free!
Thank youTracy for being the funny, generous and wonderful woman that you are!
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My apologies for the two posts!
My first post didn’t appear so I posted again and both got pulled out of spam.
And how many of us has this happened to?
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THIS is another reason why we need CL full-time.
Sorry.
Thank you CL for still doing this. It’s the same reason that many of us who have moved on in life still return. We owe it to other chumps to provide a safe place.
Any gospel or message of truth must be spread.
Dumbarton Oaks…SERIOUSLY on the top of my “to do” list for a year. I found the site when researching Byzantine art and learned it is local to me and when my daughter was jailed last year (for using a substance that was needed for her neuro disease and is legal in many places) I kept the idea of walking Dumbarton Oaks together as a goal which kept me from total despair. This week…I need to do it this week.
Thank you to CL for hosting us all and to everyone for helping me process the evil that was inflicted on me while I was trying to be a good wife.
Happy anniversary to Chump Lady and Chump Nation! Thank you Tracy for helping me to leave a cheater and gain a life. And what a great life I’ve gained. I owe so much of it to your generous help. You gave me a language to talk about and understand my chumpdom. You helped me see through my cheater’s bullshit and trust that they suck. And you connected me with all of chump nation and realize that I’m not alone (and not the crazy one). I’m now in relationship with a fellow member of chump nation and couldn’t be happier. So grateful to you Tracy! Thank you for keeping up the fight.
Wow – Tracy – you should be really proud of yourself! That’s such a great Oasis of love in this whirling dervish of shit we have all found ourselves! I believe you and your (new) Chump will have a great relationship – if nothing else you’ll be honest – and that’s really all it takes!
Great story!
I hope people that haven’t been chumped yet can read these letters and use while dating before they ever get to the first marriage. The younger generation. So they can hopefully avoid these wasted marriages to jerks. Life is expanding for women now with more options instead of the hurry up and get married. Get mated up.
This is like in a strange way grandmothers wisdom passed down from others. In the past women didn’t have a voice on what happened. It was the ugly, oh she got fat, etc. that why he left her. It was always the mans point of view. The divorced woman was left in shame with no voice.
People didn’t talk about this. Women didn’t have anyone to confide it. Maybe a friend or two. They seemed to shrink away from society and were forgotten.
It’s going to keep changing and in many ways we can’t foresee yet. But to be able to help someone out of this horrible pain and find new understanding and higher ground is priceless.
I see so many friends on FB (fake book) with these bad marriages and they stay for the children and all knowing about all the side affairs. I know most of them don’t want to break up their marriages. Being scared. Breaking up their families and messing up the holidays. It’s a hard choice.
But one day the children leave home. Start their own families and they are gone. You are still stuck with the problem and it’s not going to resolve itself. You age out. You think back on the years wasted and the time it will take to heal and start over. I can see where making no choice is a choice.
I’m really healing now. I’m looking forward to each new day. I’m so glad I got out of that horrible marriage. I was scared. I had no college to fall back on. But you know what. Things fall into place and you see new opportunities that weren’t here 10 years ago. There’s no telling if someone isn’t in a bad long term marriage that’s scared to get out because of money and being older that isn’t reading this and learning and planning ahead to get out whereas if they had never seen this column they might have wasted the rest of their life with these losers robbing you of the real things in life. Making you depressed.
Most of these men will meet someone and dump you anyway. I hope someone reads these words and don’t waste their life on hope.
So happy for you beetle, you are mighty. It takes courage to pull out and face the unknown. Accepting the challenge knowing you’re not alone is key.
Thank you Doingme. I’m just burnt out from it all. I just want to find peace and move forward. ❤️
Your book and the sage advice I got on this blog has saved my sanity and my life. Thank you so very much.
The advice you provide is invaluable Chumplady! Everything here has been so helpful and I’ve learned so much over the years. You have an incredible knack to cut through the bullshit and see things for what they are. I’m still in awe of the UBT interpretations! You have a tremendous ability to apply logic and reason to deconstruct the category 5 tornado of cheater blame shifts, projections, and gas lighting that have destroyed our marriages and, in some cases, almost destroyed us as individuals. You’ve been able to dismantle the power of the affair partner boogey-man/woman and have revealed them as disordered, amoral people. You’ve provided sound advice about NC with the cheater, affair partner, and flying monkeys along with Switzerland Friends. You’ve helped us see the predictability in the affairs and patterns of cheater behavior. You’ve exposed the RIC and the disingenuous advice it dispenses – advice that is meant to keep the Chump dancing and purchasing more programs so that the Chump can: better tend their garden, not fall down on the job, meet cheater’s unexpressed needs; and regularly make kibble deposits into the cheater’s “love bank”.
Most importantly, you’ve helped guide us in gaining a life. You’ve shown us what meh and mighty are. You’ve taught us what real love should look like. So many of us settled for “barbed wire monkeys” and no clue. You’ve taught us that we have pickers that need fixing.
Thank you Chumplady. You are better than any therapist!
Happy to be a patron!! 2% you say? Well, la di da, look at me! I feel very fancy.
But seriously, take the pressure off yourself. You don’t need to do anything extra for the money. I just like reading your absolute GOLD on this site (and listening to it on the audiobook – as I did over and over and over in the early months) and my patronage is a way of saying “thanks”. When/if I’m broke I’ll cancel it.
Me too! Happy to give back a tiny bit of the motherlode of thoughtfulness here through patreon!
Happy Anniversary of the best kind… helping people like me find the strength to file, be the sane parent, and get to meh. Happy to be part of your 2% too – though wishing the number was bigger.
I keep coming back because I always get as much as I give here – it is the best example of what a reciprocal relationship looks like in my life 🙂
And now, almost 5 years out… when I see a picture of the new GF (on whom Mr. Sparkles is cheating via Ashley Madison) dying Easter eggs with my 13yo son… I shrug “meh” and throw out a thought of gratitude that at least someone in that house is paying attention to him. <3
Rock on Chump Nation… in any language, you are as mighty as you believe yourself to be… so believe BIG!
Tracy, I do believe you have been instrumental in saving lives… both of cheaters, their affair partners, but more importantly, chumps.
“Don’t die for a fuckwit.”
Some days, it was my mantra. I’m past that, thankfully.
You’ve done crucially important work, and you made so we also do crucially important work for other chumps. You HAVE changed the narrative….
What will things look like in another 7 years?
Thank you for all you do, Chump Lady! You have been a valuable resource for me to leave my cheater and stop putting up with emotional abuse. I don’t know if I would have acted as quickly as I did without stumbling upon your blog, reading your book, and finding encouragement here at Chump Nation. The first D-day was in November. I discovered your blog in January after only two months of buying into the RIC and wreckonciliation. Today I’ll be signing the final divorce decree that will go to the judge in two months!
Thank you for answering my letter on your blog and to all the support from Chump Nation! I feel like I’m on my way to gaining a life and doing all the things he told me I couldn’t do. Just recently I passed my state’s teacher certification exam and will become a teacher for the upcoming school year. (He said I couldn’t do it, probably because he failed at it.) I ran my new post-divorce budget to discover that I’ll be better off financially with him gone because I won’t be paying his car note, his expensive eating out habits, ridiculous fuel bill, or expensive car repairs. I’m not getting much from the divorce because he doesn’t have much, but I’m getting primary custody of my children, which is the most important thing for me.
He hasn’t argued with me on anything in the divorce because he doesn’t have money for a lawyer and because I’m able to use the documented evidence from the cheating for leverage. He’s been playing sad sausage about how “mean and vindictive” I’m being with the divorce. I just continue to remind him that cheating was mean, not caring about my emotional well-being was mean, lying was mean. Getting what I need in the divorce to care for my kids is self-protection. Asserting my boundaries and seeing my worth have felt so empowering!
Life is already better on the road to ‘Meh!’ Those who are new to Chump Nation, listen to Tracy, and listen to all the other chumps here. A common theme I found is that nobody regrets leaving their cheater. The only regrets I’ve seen are those who regret waiting so long to do it!
True. I hit the hopium pipe for five years before I found CL and CN. This is going to be the Summer of Mighty.
Thank you CL! You and the wonderful community here truly saved me. I wrote a letter to you in December (Pissed in California) and you asked me the most pointed question I needed to think about. I asked if you thought he could change, if the pain of living with a long term cheater was worth it and you asked me if I wanted to live my life waiting for that answer. And was that acceptable to me? It’s 5 months later and I am in the midst of my divorce, last weekend moved into my very own apartment for the first time in 24 years with my teenage son, and I am finally feeling a sense of peace that I haven’t felt for many years. (I suspected I’d been chumped for years before DDay). I love my apartment and I’m happily settling into my new, Cheater free life Knowing the chump community has my back. So again, thanks to all of you. I’m seeing bits of meh and starting to gain a life. And best of all, I feel like me again after many years of suppressing my true feelings. Keep doing what you do. ❤️
Yea!!!
4.5 years blessed with my band of brothers and sisters in Chump Nation. Chump Lady, thank you for being my hero leading heroes.
I have met several chumps through CL. I introduced two beautiful chumps who recently married each other and will soon welcome a child to their family. In my life journey, I have lost several partners (cheaters/consistently awful jerks), but I have gained wonderfully supportive, amazing friends.
I wish I had the spare funds for more than a basic patronage, but I’m glad it helps keep this site hiccupping along. Songs and carbs to the UBT.
Congratulations CL for running a great site!
FYI – Brooks was just on MSNBC spouting his sad story ‘ I was in a valley’ crap – if he was ‘in a valley ‘ where was the wife he threw away? A ditch? A trench? A ordinary hole? Oh -he’s a ‘weaver’
What a shit slinger!
I didn’t have a D-Day, motivating me. I had 42 years of being devalued, the butt of jokes, financial theft, gaslighting, doing all the adulting while waiting on him like he was king. I was ready to leave but felt something must be my fault. Then I found CL, nope , HE sucked, I was just a chump. I only wish the young who get a bad feeling about something their “forever “ love does, could know don’t spackel . RUN.
I’m old, have MS and on fixed income “he gambled $400,000” away” but my ten dollars a month comes with my hope for others. Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for life. CL teaches how to fish.
During my Road Trip to Meh from Maine to California I met several chumps across the country, including the man I’m now engaged to marry. Like Tracy, I made a big cross-country move to gain a life. It includes my dream job and a beautiful new home in the Sonoran Desert with mountain views out every window — sunrise in front, sunset in back, and saguaro silhouettes all around.
The future Mr. Meht and I enjoy meeting up with Arizona chumps, chumps who are visiting the area to explore relocation options, and chumps who are just passing through. A high point was meeting the legendary Tessie while she was on the road, and hearing her incredible story in person. Some of our chump friends from outside the area stay in touch through social media, and no doubt we will connect again in person some day.
Thank you for the new life, Chump Lady!
Congratulations, Mehtamorphosis (and I know who your to-be-H is!!)!! May you both be extraordinarily happy together!
Such good news! Congratulations to you both!
Thanks, Tempest! Our families and friends tell us they’ve never seen us happier, and I tend to believe them. After all we’ve both been through it does feel extraordinary!
Proud Patron of Chumplady & supporter of Chump Nation.
Thank you CL for your wisdom & thank you CN for your comments/insights.
This blog helps you get out & stay out of LaLaLand.
Many thanks for giving me at safe place.
My finances are better than they were, and somewhat stable, so I’m off to pledge a little bit on Patreon.
Thank you, CL!
You saved me from madness Tracy. When d day arrived there were times when I thought I couldn’t go on. Two years later and I still check for your wise words at 12:30. Your latest posts arrive at lunchtime for me after a mornings teaching. So I sit with a cup of tea and think, it’s going to be ok.
Thank you . I can’t actually thank you enough.
cheers CL. you are my hero! turning a rotten experience into a platform for growth. owning my present, creating nonnegotiable boundaries, externalizing my rage in a safe space, planning my clandestine attack to preserve my finances, and commiserating with fellow travelers on this journey of betrayal. raw, real and righteous. hugs
joined patreon again. thought i was done with CL but keep coming back and feel for newbies! want it to survive for them. hugs
I found this site and the Straight Spouse Network at about the same time. While the folks on Straight Spouse can identify more closely with the specifics of that kind of betrayal, what Chump Lady gave me was an education and a backbone. Tracy, your no-nonsense, no waffling, no hopium approach gave me the tools to understand what I was experiencing, the right kind of hope, and the determination that I could and would get through it and out to craft for myself a mighty life.
I don’t think I’m the first to rely on both sites, and I’m happy to say that more and more posters there are referring to your blog and to comments made by the wise people of Chump Nation. I’m happy to be one of your Patreon supporters, and plan to do that for a good long while.
Good Morning.
My name is ClearWaters. I was a hopium addict and I’ve been clean since June 2016, when I met Chump Lady, she opened my eyes with her clear logic and analyses and I then joined Chump Nation.
Hopium was destroying me and my dreams, my finances, my sons, my health and my faith in myself.
I was being abused without realizing it was abuse. Instead I felt sorry for sparkledick when he pouted that he was “confused” (the understatement of the decade).
I had developed metabolic syndrome from eating so many shit sandwiches. Thanks to changing my diet, I have gained a life.
Since CL is also about being a fair human being I follow her to care for my soul and help other people. I learn so much here.
Chump Nation please become a Patreon, it is so worth it!
Yes clear waters I too was a hopium addict. Clean for 4 months. Oh my gosh without CL and CN, (which I found miraculously) I would probably be stuck in the fog still. Couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Probably all those shit sandwiches I ate for way to long. I truly know that he sucks now. Thank you thank you Tracy from a chump who appreciates your truth and it has saved my life. Bless you
I volunteer to help with any Italian translations you may need. I meet so many fellow-chumps who could benefit by the book and the blog, but are held back by the language problem. Some of them don’t even know they’re chumps yet, but listening to the narrative I get it, and try to gently steer them this way.
I will never be able to thank you enough. CL changed my life.
Wow, 7 years. Looking back at 2012- life today is so different. Thank you Tracy, for all of your early mornings at the laptop. What you do every day is revolutionary. I was on the phone last night with a close friend of mine (of the non-chump variety), and we were talking about how refreshing and validating it is to see women as directors, TV/radio writers, “in charge”. The result is-our children will grow up to view women as real people. We have piles of dirty dishes in the sink. We leave the house with two different shoes on. We lose our shit at the kids school when things are on tilt. And we still kick ass, every day.
These changes matter. My 13 year-old daughter knows what the “pick-me dance” is (the edited, middle school version of course).
It’s working. Things are shifting. Thank you.
Thank you for all you do, Tracy.
Still a proud Patron. This place is a lifesaver in the darkest of hours. Working hard on gaining a life. No one understands like Chumps do.
XO,
FFF
The world does need much more Chump Lady and far less RIC. Thank you, CL.
It’s worth noting, though, that some people stay in terrible marriages not because of RIC type indoctrination or general chumpiness, but for materialism. For examoke, my SIL was chumped, hates her narc jerk of a husband, but stays for his money. She has a good job, so it’s not like she’s financially dependent. They fight constantly and their kids see it all. They tell themselves it’s best for the kids. What a crock. They are modelling a deeply dysfunctional, adversarial marriage based on material greed to those poor kids.
I suspect it’s quite common to stay in a bad marriage in order to remain financially comfortable. I stayed for a long time (not knowing I was chumped) in an emotionally abusive marriage, not for materialism, but for survival. I am financially dependent and wasn’t aware how easy it would be to get my share of his income. I thought I’d have to battle it out in court and being clinically depressed and chronically ill, felt I did not have the strength for a court battle. After getting horrifically chumped, an STD, and PTSD, it didn’t matter anymore. I was prepared to live in a shoebox if I had to in order to get away from that creep. As it turns out, I can get his employer to send me my share without going through him. ????
I just wanted to say to anyone out there who is considering staying in order to keep their cushy lifestyle; it isn’t worth it. You’ll have to eat shit every day and then take care of a miserable, ungrateful cheater when he/she’s old. Get out while you still can!
More common, indeed. It never ceases to amaze me the lengths that are reached in remaining spackle happy. Social media has made the spreading of fantasy cheap and easy. If your wealthy husband carries on a 4 year relationship with a co worker, why divorce him? Demand a vacation home and a new car, and just have him update his public access Facebook a year later that they just “remarried”. Saves face since he told all of their co workers that he divorced!! Except there was never a divorce!! This strategy never works long term, and eventually he will leave anyway. Take your half of the marital settlement, and go on to make a genuine life. That may not include a vacation home and a car that cost 100k, but there is something to be said to be free of a spouse you have to threaten and bribe in order to get to stay. I find it incredibly sad, and it happens more frequently than you might imagine. As a side note, kids raised in these homes are looking at a lifetime of confusion trying to cobble together appropriate adult relationships. This is a lose lose game all the way around.
That was supposed to say “for example”.
Do I really need to sign up with Patreon? Can’t I just Venmo or Paypal you directly? Please?
Sorry, it’s the only service I’m using. I won’t bore you with the IT reasons. The accounting is just too hard with multiple services (esp. PayPal). I should point out, I’m not a nonprofit, so I’m taxed at 28% on whatever I earn here. A subscription service is MUCH easier from my admin POV.
Happy anniversary CL and CN. You have been my saviour, thank god for you and the wonderful people who are always there to help whenever I post. I’m a year out after 27 years, have Ill health which is one if the reason he left and I know I’m nowhere near meh yet but I can’t wait for that day to come. I so wish I could contribute financially but sadly he took all tjr money leaving me on disability but I’m truly grateful to those that do help financially. I’m so grateful for all you do and to everyone here. Thankyou so much x
My D-Day was December 23rd and he left on Christmas Eve without any warning. Then he came back and I danced and then he left when I wanted answers and then he came back and I danced harder and he left when I simply wanted to know why and then he came back and “tried my hardest” to pick me as I danced in a frenzy of save this marriage but I got tired of dancing and my leg kept cramping so in a furry of wisdom told him I wasn’t going to be his chump anymore. And he left. For good! And went to visit his girlfriend in another state. I filed. No court date yet. OW dumped him and he’s going after our hairdresser now. And is on dating sites. Have fun lovey! Fall in love! Be motivated to give me what I deserve in the settlement you credit card slinging, lying, cheating ass.
Thanks Chump Lady for getting my head on straight and for helping me get from a devastated, crying, snot sputtering, dance-crazy mess to a place of power and for instilling a zeal for a mighty life. And for my fellow chumps for telling it like it is and making me see I’m not alone and I’m not the crazy one.
P.S. I’d sure like to meet fellow chumps here in Boise and then in Tucson when I get there this fall (?). How does one go about doing that?
ChumptyDumpty, when you are ready to move to Tucson please do check in on the Arizona meet-up forum. In the past we have had meet-ups in Phoenix, Tucson, and halfway between in Casa Grande. We don’t have a set schedule but meet when folks are able.
Hi CD,
Click on FORUMS above the ChumpLady banner at the top of the web site page.
Then click on Private: Chump Chat Forums
Then click on Private: Chump Meetups
Look to see if there’s an existing meetup listed for your area. Otherwise you can create one.
Remember you are not alone????
Congrats on the anniversary Chump Lady, you rock!
Met my closest friend on this site and made other friends here as well. That first book launch, meeting chumps from all over the place was great, and I’ve met other local chumps from time to time.
Though I don’t hang out on the site that much any more, I’m glad you are still here fighting the RIC!! Rock on!
I have been coming daily to CN for about 9 months. I am so grateful. This site has pulled me through some dark days and changed my point of view from total helpless victim to someone who now knows her own worth, and is mighty most days. This is something that therapy was not achieving (not knocking therapy for those who it has helped). Chump lady and chump nation, you have changed my life for the better and I have hard time really even putting it into words. I was not a patron before this morning but when I really started to think about your post today, it so important for me that chump nation will be here for those chumps to come that don’t even know they are chumps yet????. Financial support is the least I can do. So very thankful for all that you do, and of course your book too!
Thank you for all you do, Tracy! I attended your book launch party and became friends with another fellow chump. Even though I have supportive friends, no one truly understands the disruptive craziness like another chump. I’ve developed a low tolerance for people who refuse to help themselves and gained a life that I’m so incredibly happy and grateful for.
I don’t visit this site as much as I used to and if I ever get a chance to talk to Tracy in person now, I’d probably be asking for gardening advice (moved into a new house in the DC area and don’t know what to do with the yard)! I’m a proud Patron and if there is a way for me to transfer my subscription to someone else, I would happily do so! I have no need for the podcasts or live chats and would rather have someone else benefit from them.
Dear Dear Tracy, YOU ROCK!!!! This site was a god-send and a life saver!!!! I am 7 years post “I’m going to the grocery store. Do you need anything”….those were his exit words. 5 minutes later I got a phone call, ” I am not coming home. There is a note on the desk”……yes, what a chicken-shit, coward…..also he said the words, ” no there is not anyone else, I love you , but I am not in love with you…..and 6 months later he was living with his MUCH YOUNGER co-worker)…… And my journey to hell and back started. I have never been much of a contributor to the comments, but your words ( and those of CN) ALWAYS gave me hope, wisdom, encouragement and STRENGTH!!!! Not to mention making me feel never alone in what I was going through. Yes, 7 years, and I FINALLY feel as if my life is my own again. The journey was long and hard ( side note….I was a 58 year old, stay at home mom, who had been married almost 40 years ) but I am a survivor and happy to say that your words of wisdom helped me to get where I am today. Yes, divorce women of a certain age always get the short end of the stick, but I have found a way to make it all work…..my bills all get paid, which was a BIG concern having no real “work” skills. My relationships, especially with my kids and grand kids, are wonderful. Do I still have “moments”, of course, but they pass and I move on. THANK YOU , TRACY!!!!
If it wasn’t for CL and the multitude of voices here at CN, I don’t know how I would have survived those first few months after the shit show started (which will be one year on Wednesday, divorce was final July 16). The wisdom, all the articles, the support, the knowledge, LACGAL – it helped paint a picture of what he is and why he is so uncompassionate and lacking in empathy.
Just an idea – maybe the burden can be eased by guest writers. There are so many talented writers who have been through the chump wringer. We learn from you (CL) and from them.
Thank you for all you do. This site is a lifesaver. Personally I think you should consider doing YouTube videos. I know I would subscribe.
I was thinking about this also when I went back and read Rebbeca’s letter. I don’t know how much you can make on this. But it would be great to free up some time and have the Chumplady forum as a job with income. It doesn’t make sense to be this popular and work two jobs.
Really this is the best information out there.
I like Hoyt’s Kitchen and he’s changed over to YouTube. He seems quite popular. He had people suggest that he get on YouTube. Everyone is happy he switched over and is making money. He’s a nice guy. Nice family. I hope you will consider it and free up your time and enjoy the moment!
I’ll consider it. On the full-time job thing, I was going to make the leap and go back to freelance life, plus blog, when I reached out to my old editor… who offered me a full-time job. A great job in journalism, that had it been any other place, I wouldn’t be that tempted, but it’s a terrific job and the people are wonderful. And I’m in a dying (transforming?) profession. I took the great job.
Also — imagine giving up your day job for a tip jar. Scary, right? Even great tips.
Remember when everyone wanted to start a mommy blog? Food blog? And that was the path to easy riches? Maybe those people exist, but fact is most people want free unfettered content. Ads pay for that. Ads are annoying. The ad landscape is changing. People do affiliate links — I’m not in the business of selling anything other than my “don’t be a chump” advice. I’m not selling Keto recipes or some such.
Video seems to be the next Thing. And podcasts, of course. I’m not opposed, and I like digital audio, but just like writing, it takes time, structure, thought. I’m a much better writer than I am Other Media person. Does anyone want to see my messy hair on video? I can crank out a column or draw a cartoon. (Perfect work for the introvert.) Those other mediums are extroverted, image-centric. It’s not my natural go-to space.
Then again, I once thought blogging was a bit out there. (Give content away? Free? No dead trees?) So… I’ll consider it.
I’d be fine with your messy hair, a cuppa and/or in your dressing gown. A just woken, getting your thoughts together Chump Lady, is still Chump Lady. You rock any way you present yourself! Do consider it. There would be a strong market for the younger up & coming chumps.
❤️ Take care of yourself. I turned 58 this year and it seems minutes ago I was in my 40’s. Check all the resources out there.
Datdamwuf……I remember your name back when I was hanging out here too. I, too, don’t hang out much anymore but still get the daily email and on occasion take a peek when the title entices me! 🙂
I met a couple times with a few of our fellow chumpers locally. I would have loved to have continued but it just sorta tinkered out. 🙁 Hopefully that just means that all have moved on and forward to a much greater life!
Thanks Chump Lady…..your advice has pushed me to the other side of having so much greater wisdom and clarity. Unbelievable! I can’t say enough!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=218iXiKhKlg
We do what we end up doing, yeah :). We can catch up some time IHaveHate, though maybe your name is due for an update, or maybe not, heh.
I’m just here for the vulgar language. ????
Oh my gosh that is what got my attention to read this blog and her book. I think it’s definitely what I needed to jar me out of my hopium fog. You had my attention after the first fuck????
Fuck yeah!
Thank you Tracy. This site was a life saver when my sanity was at breaking point. Im only 7 months out but the progress has been amazing, all thanks to you!
I lurk on a reddit sub and send everyone who needs to see the light here.