You Might Be a Cheater If…
Time again for the Friday Challenge based on Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if…”
CN member JenPen suggests replacing this instead with: “You might be a cheater if…”
For fun and a few much needed laughs…we wondered how many cheater lines we could come up with…well, I just knew the chumps would all have a lot of ideas….and thought it might be a fun post sometime.
“If your Match.com profile shows a headless body…you might be a cheater!”
You might be a cheater if:
…You can’t remember how many phone carrier plans you have.
…You do all your texting on the toilet.
…Your Girls Night Outs have no girls.
Your turn to play! TGIF!
… you suddenly feel the urge to whiten your teeth, get fit, and wear skinny jeans at 50
Cheaters teeth are almost blinding they’re so white.
When he smiles he looks like a rabid rat.
You also might be a cheater if you spend hours in a magnified mirror meticulously trimming your eyebrows, side burns and mustache. Not one hair uneven or out of place.
He’d normally let his eyebrows grow out of control. I’d have to remind him several times that they needed trimming before he’d trim them back. I thought he was taking more of an interest in his appearance now that he’s older.
You also might be cheating if you tell your spouse, “you no longer feel butterflies in your stomach when she walks into a room”.
Never mind that you’d been married 20 years and aren’t teenagers…
“When he smiles he looks like a rabid rat”
????????
Funny how so many cheaters and their side whores look like rodents.
Ptosis. I worked in this rat-infested industry filled with narcs and climbers and sexual harassment. But for many women, “harassment” read as “career opportunity/free stuff.” I knew several like that and for some reason they all had droopy eyes. So did the AP in my situation. What’s up with that? Early binge drinking? DNA damage?
Someone bought me some skinny jeans. I looked like a toffee apple. But I guess I forgot to get fit, and (to be honest) my teeth aren’t great either. Phew, I am not a cheater…
Marcus– you dodged a bullet (shriek! https://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/skinny-jeans-lead-testicular-problems-article-1.1113798). You’re also ahead of the fashion curve for not wearing “gangrene pants” since they began falling from grace in major fashion hubs about 11 years ago. Rock on, straight leg and relaxed fit. 😉
Eyup, comfey trousies! Not gone elasticated yet, but those ads (you know, near the ones for zip-up slippers and walk-in showers) at the back of the Sunday papers are calling to me.
I yearn for the WTF blanket. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CJ4afZoXvg
Marcus, I think many of the Chumps here would gladly date a toffee apple with good character and apparently a great sense of humor 🙂
…and use retinols and Biore pore strips, plus buy new clothes.
Yup mine got all of his teeth capped and died his graying hair blond.
Mr. X dyed his greying hair and beard dark brown. He looked ridiculous. After that, he tried something else, that ended up the dark yellowish color of a large mailing envelope. It was AWFUL.
Gross!!
Yep!!! 62 & manscaping without flushing the debris away ????
Eewwwwwwwww
The ex (I refuse to call him ‘my’ anything) was 53 (he’s now nearly 56 and I sometimes wonder how that’s working for him). He started wearing skinny jeans rolled up to show his hairy ankles, plus boxers with inbuilt ‘sculpting’ ????. The chest hair was shaved. And he started walking with a Peaky Blinders swagger, arms held out in a curve from his sides. Cillian Murphy can get away with it; the ex, not so much ????. And sat with his legs spread to show off his sculpted assets (he is not a well-endowed man). That’s how the ex tells the world he’s a cheater. Pathetic excuse for a human!
Do you mean wearing skinny jeans like this fine fella? 😀
https://twitter.com/onlineclock/status/857028710695927808/photo/1
OK, I’ll bite; what are “boxers with ‘in built sculpting'”? ????????????
Think padded pushup dick-bra.
Yep. Pushes everything up and forwards.
I didn’t know there ‘was’ such a thing. But then, I don’t look at men’s crotches.
Ewww! Did the wanker not think of the reaction when he took them off? ????????????
???? no, but his exgfOW has known him since school so she knew what to expect on this and on all other aspects of his being.
The male equivalent of knickers with a padded bum for those women who want a Brazilian butt lift without plastic surgery ? ????????????????
Yesss!
Mind it was 55 but yeah lol!
When you suddenly have the urge to manscape at 55 after never doing so before! Your lack of interest in your kids or marriage is your partners fault because of some crazy random reason.
Crazy and random is an exact description of who they are.
In your 40s begin to have “regular medical check-ups” and say that’s just because you are now a mature, responsible adult. Despite having ridiculed standard regular healthcare previously (because special, superior, narc master-race etc)
This one! All of sudden it was important to have everything checked. And everything included a urologist. And, darn it if the urologist’s office held a double win – a married schmoopie plus a viagra prescription! I often thought about calling the urologist directly to ask if he knew there might be free test drives happening under his watch. Later I heard they were written up by HR a couple of times for getting caught in the closets with BJs. He’s 60+. Those poor, poor coworkers – hoping not to get their eyes seared every time they needed to open a closet door!
You might be a cheater if you called your husband and small sons in the evening to describe in detail all the fun things you did that day in Oregon with your best friend from college . . .
While you were actually in Las Vegas fucking a married man you met online playing World of Warcraft. ????❤️????
So depressingly tacky– Americana at its worst. Makes me imagine people eating 7/11 microwave nachos on rust-colored shag carpeting under fluorescent tubes while wearing acid-washed cut-offs and mullets. Wail.
Oh how classy
Nomar, absolutely horrible. Online games relationships = not a winner.
…you get back home with glitter on your face and “don’t know how it got there”
…your gym simply doesn’t get cellphone service
…your wife surprising you at work to have lunch together makes you uncomfortable
I forgot that one too. I said there’s my handsome husband & he gave me death stare, I am sure he had told young howorker we had no affection towards each other. I was still in the dark.
Oh man! His gym didn’t have cell service here either! It’s a new gym trend these days, I hear. ????
Ooh, I’d forgotten the long hair that I found attached to his washing. 5 months before DDay and I commented on it, joking ‘are you having an affair?’. Answer ‘no, never”. I am confident that he was also cheating on exgfOW (who has different hair) with someone in the office – exgfOW was on the other side of an ocean. She is very, very stupid.
Yes, the HAIR. I actually attributed it to our son’s golden retriever. In hindsight (which is all we have), it was too long to be dog hair!
Yeah, but it was still dog hair. ????
Wow, I’d forgotten that last one!
If your wife coming to your office is greeted by open mouth stares….
because you never told anyone that you were married!!!
Because you and your fuck buddy got hired as a ‘team’ and you leave your wedding ring in the car every day.
Oops ???? Minor detail.
You return from your morning walk smelling like Candy perfume and cigarettes (casino walking ;). You need an iPhone with two SIM cards and two carriers because “that’s my business, not yours.” Your phone suddenly flashes like a fire alarm every now and then—it’s a text from a hooker! Run into the other room, store, outside to read it and then deny you were looking at your phone.
And for the win, when saying your working late on a Friday: “Fucking Fridays!” when you pay someone to visit you at work.
Oh god. Forgot to add the “I have to work late (again)” to my list below.
I often wondered when he’d have time to cheat, since he was always home.
I feel like an idiot now, because all that “working” late. Ow was his coworker. And like a trusting fool, I never thought to compare his “overtime” with his paychecks…
Mine said he didn’t get overtime for working late
Yeah, you might be a cheater if you have to return to our business after dropping me at home, using the excuse that you need to “catch up” and staying a couple of hours – until I announce as you are leaving that I am too nervous to stay alone and go with you, at which point you are “all caught up” in less than 15 minutes, not to mention acting pissed off because I now refuse to stay at home alone.
Same. I later found he was using sick days and vacation days to spend with hookers in hotels.
I got… there’s a bunch of people from work going out for drinks and appetizers after work on Friday. Really boring – just some actuarial and accounting. Would rather come home….. Except it was two people – him actuarial, her accounting. Found the receipt months later after d-day. Never even occurred to me.
ISTL: I wondered the same thing too (when did he cheat??) but then I realized he must of hooked up with her on lunch or those few hours he went into work on Saturday mornings! Unreal. Who would want to be a nooner or a Saturday morning special?!
My STBX typically met the AP during lunch. It was one of my first questions when he copped to the affair: when??? He didn’t travel for work and he was always home in the evening. Fucking lunch.
Mine would say the alarm company called about the back door of office…I’ll be right back.
“Back door” huh. Freudian slip?
I can’t like your post, FR-made me sad and angry
…you text your wife on New Years Eve that you aren’t coming home tonight because you’ve been really busy and need a break.
Wow. Just wow.
… you suddenly add a lock code on your phone and never let it out of your sight, even to go to the bathroom or shower. And you receive a million texts a day.
… you start picking fights about nothing so you have an excuse to leave the house.
… you inexplicably start listening to bands/artists that you have formerly ridiculed.
… you go out with friends (plural) from work, but they all incredibly cancel last minute so it turns out to just be one “friend”. Every time.
… you start keeping a bottle of mouthwash in your car when you have never done that before.
… you try and force your wife’s leg behind her head during sex when you know she has never been that flexible (but your “friend” is -really- into yoga).
… there are 35-50 HOURS of phone calls made to one particular number EACH MONTH. Even during the time when you promised to “work on” your marriage.
… you never invite your wife (mother of your kid) to “playdates” at a particular person’s home, and make all kinds of excuses why (“the apartment is too small”, “we won’t be gone long”, “you’d be bored”, “it’s chaotic”, blah blah blah).
I could go on, but that’s a start.
The band equivalent was Fleabag and Schitt’s Creek. ‘Someone told me they are good’, a man who wouldn’t have touched Fleabag with a barge pole ???? I like Schitt’s Creek and, even though I’m a Brit, I’ve never got Fleabag (overrated). He hated Fleabag but had to pretend to like it. He also suddenly brought a Fantastic Mr Fox dvd home. We were in our 50s, no kids. I found it hidden amongst the dvds and said ‘where did this come from’ in an interested voice because I was interested and puzzled. ‘Oh, someone loaned it to me’. This was the same someone who left his place of work suddenly. She was due to meet up with me to spectate at his majestic marathon running exploit in her home town, but never turned up in spite of my sending her a number of texts on route telling her where I was. Even more weirdly, he disappeared off the marathon tracker for over an hour, quite close to where she lived. Hindsight is a wonderful thing: he’d clearly stopped off for a quickie on the way round. What I love about this is that his long-distance exgfOW thought, perhaps still thinks, that she’s the only one. At least I kicked him into touch as soon I discovered the affair. ExgfOW is both cheater and chump – not a good look.
He seriously stopped for sex DURING a marathon!?! ????. Holy Toledo…
Yep! Although the act itself wouldn’t have taken more than a few seconds ???? I thought he had died on route! And in a way he had.
You go to play “golf” in hurricane winds…..
You start wearing T shirts in bed when you only used to wear undies( hides the talon scratches on his back)
I feel such a fool!!!
I remember a few times seeing scratches on his back. “That happened at work”…never clued in that he wears heavy duty workwear, so how the fuck would a scratch get through??
Now I know…fucking pig.
We are all fools to have trusted and loved these pathetic losers. I’ll never make that mistake again.
You take out a secret credit card with charges for florists, jewellery and hotels, instead of paying the mortgage.
And by the time your wife finds out about the OW, you’ve got us $100,000+ in debt with unpaid bills against our business, which you have been looting. Yep, you might be a cheater!
When you run a company with hundreds of people and pick one single attractive divorced woman to put in your personal car to drive to the Christmas party in front of the entire rest company. Both ways
When you’re 55 and take the 19-year-old intern to lunch by yourself – to thank her for working for you for the summer, but ignore your own daughter so as not to show “favoritism“
When you go to Mexico for the weekend insist that you went everywhere alone but not understand technology enough that you send screenshots of random women “ tour guides” back to your home computer
If you shave, wax, trim religiously before every single trip with your “friend” , yet refuse to do so the rest of the year for you husband.
Yep. My husband was super hairy, but no, never manscaped for me in spite of a very humble request by me. He started the manscaping in earnest about a year before DDay, but of course he said it was for me.
I find the whole pubic hair giveaway quite hilarious now ????. It’s probably in the top 3 of “You’re probably a cheater if…” list!
Yes, mine was very hairy, also…the back hair grossed me out the most…but when he started talking about his female coworker a lot, he started shaving his groin area and asking me if I liked it. Whatever…I had lived with it for 25 years…didn’t know why he was asking me. Then came the chest hair shaving – which I hated! Because it was like needles against me when we snuggled. But, he continued to do it. Did he ever try to lose weight for me? No. But when he left, he lost about 40 lbs in six months. Did he ever do anything about his halitosis for me? Nope. His gummy smile? Nope. But he got botox for his 30 year old girlfriend. Oh, sorry, now wife.
Oogh, I wish I had known the manscaping/cheater connection before I encountered Mr. Cheaterpants. I’m old-school, so I was surprised to discover his plucked-chicken look. Later on I was surprised to discover his OTHER girlfriend and his WIFE!
Plucked chicken ???????? I’m old school too.
The damned black undies. I should have known. Previously he had worn tightie whities and – literally – hand me down underwear.
“… plucked-chicken look”
????????????
So sexy…
He was 63 and suddenly shaved his balls. Must have been difficult, LOL, and began to wear black bikini underwear – the old fool!
You might be a cheater if…
Your other 4 family members carrier is Verizon and yours is AT and T.
Ask your wife to shave your back and nether parts ( also in 50’s) when you’ve never done that before in your life.
Decide you want to try black marble bag undies when you’ve been a tighty whitey guy for 40 years.
Pick nonsensical fights and have out of control rages on a precious Saturday morning, so you can clear up your day free from that annoying family who love you.
If your spouse puts a pot of water or skillet on stove, you are obsessively and uncontrollably driven to move it over some exact quantum number to dead center, because she is incapable of even doing that right and it MUST be pointed out to her.
You criticize your wife’s jewelry, clothes, hair, makeup, weight, laugh, any and all decisions, etc and so on when you seemed pretty happy with all of it last week.
Text non stop on a rare dinner evening out and when your spouse asked who are texting, you yell out “ none of your business!”
Tell your spouse you can communicate with every other person on earth except for them.
Checking account is unexplainably low an unexplainable number of times.
Look sharp and fresh going to work in morning and if you have a few days off at home will wear the same clothes every single day.
Have sexy womens boots in your closet (size 7.5), when your wife wears a size 9.
Marble bag undies! Thank you for that laugh.
Oh and I guess when you are able to lie with a big smile on your face looking your spouse directly in the eye and not care that you’re setting them up for devastation
Yes, Meanwell. Like the others said, the pain from this cruelty lingers. The ex used to whistle a lot. I used to think, wow, he is just such a cheerful guy. After d-day, I realized that it was a tell–he whistled when he got away with something. Whether it was getting nudes from nurses or transferring money to his gf/s while he was literally just beside me. Whistling was like a nervous tic that revealed his anxiety about taking a risk and then his exhilaration about not getting caught. Deception makes these subhumans truly, deeply happy. It is what they wake up for in the morning and what keeps them warm at night. So when I hear whistling now, it is a huge trigger.
I get that. I have learned to understand this. there was a thrill for him. But it took me a very very long time to really understand that he didn’t care, if he hurt me and he may have actually even been aiming to hurt me. I was very naïve
You had a Whistle, I had a smile and a special word he used only when he lied
Towards the end when the lies were becoming absolutely outrageous and I knew most of what he was doing, through marriage police work, but he didn’t know I knew, he would use the word “nope” instead of no
Did you take an Uber home last night? nope
Did you take someone to dinner while you were on that trip out of the country? Nope
Was ho worker at that meeting? Nope
Were you alone with her? Nope
Over and over and over again. I ended up finding a mug in a novelty store with the word “nope” and it sits on my window sill
He saw it before we divorced and it actually upset him
It really is a criminal mindset, they think that they are smarter that they are just master manipulators, such fools
Omg, your ex’s use of “nope” is making my brain go into high gear…my ex was the same! I am just realizing it now though. During our separation, he would say Nope when I asked him questions I already knew the answer to. Funny thing is the questions you listed are so similar to what I asked. It is probably their way of keeping it short and not saying too much that might give him away.
One thing I noticed too is that he puts his NOT in all caps when denying something that he actually did. “I did NOT go to her house. I did NOT go on vacation with her and her kids. I do NOT have herpes.” I can put NOT in my email search bar and get a nice timeline of all his lying ways.
Augh I hate that we got good at this. Marriage detective work is not something we should’ve had to do.
This is so true, deception was my husbands fuel, my ignorance was his bliss! He also had a funny thing going on with his tongue as when he lied the tip would appear out the corner of his mouth, slightly snake like really. Now everything is out in the open and there is no more blatant deception he honestly looks like he has shrunk in every way, physically, emotionally, financially, clearly running on empty now as his only friend is that disgusting slapper from work. #TheKibbleFamine
Absolutely this, and this is what is stoping my meh. I’ll never understand the huge lies told over such a long period of time with that sick grin on his face, what is wrong with these freaks??? How can they be so cruel?
Ugh. I will never forget that sick grin on his face when I hugged his co-worker who I thought was our good friend.
????
Same.
Smug smirk as he watched me hug the rat faced whore whom I had invited into our home for Christmas. ????????
This is what still gets me. Also, the insanely huge amount of people who went along with his lies and helped him lie to me. Like, what did I do to make so many people hate me? And people I cared about and have helped… It’s what stops me from being totally ok. Just the enormous betrayal from so many people for two decades.
I feel you KatiePig. Same here, but only for a half decade (that I know of). Utterly awful… They’re lost, sick, lazy, protecting their family, jealous, shallow…
Replying to everyone here. I have realised through a lot of therapy that many of the people in my old life got high on the drama of others. Proper French Revolution stuff – watching, knitting, cheering, smirking, as others are subject to utmost cruelty. These people gossip, often in unpleasant ways. They stoke the fire and step back to a safe distance, to watch the fireworks that they lit while stoking. I have stopped trying to work out why all of my inlaws bar his godparents, plus my sister, my mother, some (not all) mutual friends, either dropped me immediately (and knew what was coming because he had primed them) or told me it was my fault. I was too …, not enough …, you name it, I was it. When meeting people I now assess whether they are drama merchants. As soon as I spot the signs I move them to the bottom of my priority list (and that includes family). Anyone who gets that little gleeful smile on their face at another’s bad fortune, who smirks when telling bad news about others, or who tells me stuff that is not mine to know, or says ‘I shouldn’t say this but’, or ‘I promised not to tell, but I can trust you’, or is racist, or homophobic, or jokes about disability etc. my hand goes up and I say ‘I’m going to stop you there’. It’s working for me, and if I offend along the way it doesn’t matter because I don’t want to know these people.
Wise words MightyWarrior
I don’t think people hated you Katiepig, I just think they were indifferent to your suffering, like they were with me. One thing I am taking from this shitstorm of the last six months is that I will call out cheating wherever I see it, be it friends, family or heaven forbid my children go astray. I think this is where we need to get to as a society, cheating is not acceptable and any cheaters I stumble across in my life are treated like they have the plague! Big hugs fellow chump.X
So sorry, KatiePig. Happened to me too; total devastation of figuring out that ALL my professional colleagues and employees ALL knew and nobody even dropped a hint. I lost my spouse and all my friendship circle. I will never, ever recover from that betrayal.
It’s like being hit by a train. People I trusted and thought were my friends helped him lie to me.
Switzerland friends, I finally made the decision to stop all contact with anyone who hinted that “I must have done something.” I thought they knew me better than that.
They do know better.
Huge betrayal by the people I’ve cared about and trusted.
“Absolutely this, and this is what is stoping my meh. I’ll never understand the huge lies told over such a long period of time…”
We can’t understand it, because we’re not conscience less shit bags. Be glad of that. I don’t know how far along you are after Dday, it’s been 4 years and a bit for me, mostly I’m ‘meh’, but it still occasionally trips me up with remembering the hurt and rage.
To be honest, I don’t think it will ever totally go away, like you say, it’s the sickening realisation that not only were they capable of such lies, but they did it with a smile. But I *can* say, I no longer think about it every day, and that will happen for you too. Hugs. ????????
Thank you Chumpnomore6, you are much further along in this journey than me, I am only 6 months in but your words give me a lot of hope this pain does get better.Xx
You might be a cheater if…
Your wife finds some lube in the car and you tell her you bought it for her.
You have two phones and you insist one is for business calls and you say your boss is reimbursing you for one of them.
You steal cash from your joint bank accounts and buy pre-paid credit cards with the money.
You have a secret PO Box.
You are in the bathroom for long periods of time and you don’t have diarrhea.
You have to rush out of the house in the evening and buy emergency groceries. It takes you over an hour and the supermarket is 500 meters down the road.
You don’t like having sex with your wife anymore because she’s too vanilla all of a sudden.
You have a sudden penchant for dressing like you did in the 90s by wearing combat boots and a beanie.
This…..You are in the bathroom for long periods of time and you don’t have diarrhea.
YES!!! And does so with his phone or iPad…
Oh, do I know about long periods in the bathroom. Snakeface used to head to the bathroom with his laptop after work and soak in the tub for 90 minutes to two hours. He was into porn, and he resented my resentment of his passionate interest, so I assume he was… ahem… enjoying himself while looking at porn sites, safely behind a locked door. Or he was texting or having naked FaceTime with Spiritual Slut. Maybe both. I’ve wondered if Snakeface’s porn addiction was cured by their great, spiritual love, or if Spiritual Slut puts up with it, but with more tolerance and understanding than I had.
The other bathroom story I have makes me cringe. After Snakeface asked me for a divorce (never, never admitting the real reason why), but before we could tell our sons and, after that, the rest of the family, we had to spend a weekend out of town with his parents. The four of us went out for dinner one evening, and before leaving the restaurant, Snakeface had to use the men’s room. He was gone quite a while, leaving the rest of us waiting for him in the corridor of the mall where the restaurant was located. Mother-in-law wandered to the other side of the corridor to window shop, leaving me alone with father-in-law. After way too many minutes went by, father-in-law turned to me and expressed concern that Snakeface might have some issues with constipation, which were a problem in mother-in-law’s side of the family. FIL had a habit of raising things with me that he should have brought to directly to the attention of Snakeface, his own son. MIL and FIL were good parents and grandparents, they were good to me, and I would never have hurt them for the world, but FIL and I also rubbed each other the wrong way. Standing with him in the mall, embarrassed on more than one level, it took all my self-control to keep from telling him “Your son is probably taking forever because he’s texting his girlfriend.”
Sunrise, that would have been a good one! My ex was always so long in the bathroom that my mum took me aside and asked if he had stomach issues. I said no. My mum kept pushing it and asking what the hell he was doing then. I was defensive at the time, and like the grand chump that I am, I had it in my mine that he was just needing a little bit of time alone. He had this narrative that he was introverted and needed a lot of brain processing time. So I believed him and defended him against my mum. I even talked myself out of being pissed and annoyed about it when I had to sit and wait for him. It was all just fucking rude. I was always waiting for him in one way or another. Being in the bathroom and winding me up, being late, in the computer too long-it was also a control mechanism. But defending him to my mum that was just one of the many many ways I spackled.
Saaaame, making me wait always, so damn rude. Great we’re now divorced from them.
… your spouse and your parents take turns apologizing to each other for your inexplicable asshole behavior
Yup, right here. Smdh.
Ugh. ManChild also used a version of the vanilla sex excuse. So predictable! And the getting mad if I wasn’t in the mood, after he ignored me all day as if I didn’t exist.
Lol.
How about wearing a bracelet after constantly ridiculing any man who wore jewelry
Same here, cheap silver bracelets. She wanted me to wear one too but I tried and tired of it in a day.
So weird. It’s like they’re all reading from the same playbook.
Meanwell, the AP gave him the bracelet, right?
I don’t know if she gave it to him I think they were together in Mexico and he told me it was a tradition down there but I don’t know so I think it was a reminder of an experience they had together and it was a signal to her
It was just a red string people wear them here sometimes for Kaballah
To ward off the evil eye supposedly
I guess I was the 5 foot five evil eye
It Was definitely tied, no pun intended, to an experience he had with her and he wanted to keep it on. It was in my face and he knew that I would never be able to source it
I’m sure my ex wore the bracelet bought by his OW. It was creepy somehow, along with all of his other transformations. He doesn’t look the same or even talk the same.
My ex wore a bracelet as well! It looked like a cheap friendship bracelet and that made me feel like shit for some reason.
Red String bracelet
I think some sort of spiritual signaling or or “special moment reminder” bracelet to a woman.
A few years before and on another man he would’ve used it is a punchline for weeks
Had forgotten all about the sudden copper bracelet “bought” for all it’s magic health benefits.
Another ‘unexplained bracelet in the bagging area’ spouse here ???? I know it’s sad but it’s also hilariously funny. I love this challenge.
…….phone records show you calling local randos for fuckfests late at night after wishing your son happy birthday and getting lots of cash on a work trip
……you are very proud of your Hilton rewards earned from business trips (forgetting to mention your hooker points also earned on these trips)
……you miss a call from spouse when house is being broken into and cops are there because you hid your phone from an unsavory hookup
…….money is tight and you blame your spouse when you’re the one spending thousands on dick tamers and damn her for not using all the leftovers in the fridge
……..you suddenly start taking expensive supplements and working out yet sex with spouse doesn’t improve or increase.
… the expensive supplements, oh my this reminds me. After Dday, combing the joint bank statements, I was able to track his (new) orders for “Horny Goat Weed”… I laughed out loud at that one!
You might be a cheater when your wife…interrupts a conversation between you (as a volunteer coach) & a soccer mom…and wifey realizes this wasn’t a conversation about improving any kid’s soccer skills.
You might be a cheater if…
You start bringing around a girl and saying you guys are close like brother and sister.
As seen on the FB group page yesterday: you might be a cheater if “Pizza Hut” texts you to wish you a good night with heart emojis
…your wife calls you and you say “who is this?”
(That happened…I thought it was funny…I was so delusional )
You might be a cheater if —
–You begrudge your wife every piece of jewelry she’s ever wanted and disparaged it as vanity and foolish, but you are happy to buy it for a friend you met online
–You flop into bed after long hours at your computer and tell your wife she should thank you for how hard you’re working to fill out job applications when actually you’ve been emailing a “woman” you met online
–You don’t tell your therapist about finding your online “Solemate” because “who would believe a true luv story like ours?”
–You believe the online AP when “she” tells you that the fastest way from Arizona to NY is by going to Oregon. By bus.
–You’re so desperate to brag about the bodacious babe who “wuvs” you that you leave “her” pornographic pictures and emails in your adolescent grandson’s bathroom where he can see them
……for your 20th wedding anniversary, you tell your wife that, for the past few months, you have been thinking about living by yourself for a while. But you don’t want a divorce.
….you go to the car wash but the truck is dirty.
…..you disappear from the house on the weekends without telling anyone else in the family, and when you just as
mysteriously reappear, you have no items from the hardware store you say you went to.
….you leave super early every morning to ride miles and miles to work on your bike, but your weight does not go down.
…..you have no interest in going to Yosemite, a favorite place, for your birthday, with that same bike, to stay in one of the cabins at the Ahwahnee in October, which usually have to be reserved years in advance, but your wife called on a whim and by some miracle one had become available. (and after DDay he growled, “You NEVER do anything special for my birthday.” Like going to see Elton John in Las Vegas. Which was also the selfish, thoughtless, criminal handiwork of a mean ugly horrible evil wife.
……it becomes so difficult to reach you by phone, the phone which is surgically attached, that it becomes an issues your wife brings up in couples counseling.
….you go to couples counseling and lie
lie lie lie lie. For years.
You say you have to attend a work event AFTER YOU’VE RETIRED. And you complain when your spouse points out that minor detail.
Car wash was broken again or the line was too long & then a patient had to be seen for emergency back issue ….
You might be a cheater if….
– Your workout buddy is the next door neighbor….she is such an “amazing woman”
– You leave work in the middle of day to go “running” when it’s 100 degrees outside with said “amazing woman” only to come home a little bit sweaty.
– Criticizing your thin wife saying it looks like her legs have been beaten by a bag of nickels
– demanding your wife get a 4th job away from home….while you only have 1, of which you do half ass and leave every day to “run” with the neighbor.
– You expect your overworked wife to work at 3 jobs every day (even weekends) and only get 2-3hrs of sleep a night, PROMPTLY waking her up at 6am.
– You yell and scream at your overworked wife if she sleeps after 6am, wanting to spend time with young children, or needing to go to the doctor
– arguing with your wife that she can’t boil water right
– only have pictures of you and your kids in your dating profile
– in your dating bio claim you are “GOD FEARING” and looking for your soulmate
When you tell your boss that you have to go home during work because your wife is struggling with the loss of our 16 year old son, but really you are going to screw her best friend
this is the worst and I am so sorry for your loss of your son. sending you many (((HUGS))) x
Dear God. So, so sorry.
So despicable
That is so awful, they literally have no shame,.X
So sorry. Heartbreaking
Oh my. Hope this loser is out of your life.
Hugs ❤️
You insist on riding each and every motorbike (7 of them) each and every day for hours at a time during a lockdown ????????♀️????♀️
Mine broke mandatory quarantine because he was “going stir crazy and wanted to go for a drive”. I know now that he went to go fuck his crack whore or some randos. How he didn’t bring home Covid is unreal. Fucker.
Insist on paying cash for everything.
This! I’ll never know how much he spent on his side pieces and my lawyer says we can’t bring it up without proof so…. I’m pretty sure he’s hiding cash in a safe deposit box but again, we need proof. He’s arguing in his defence that he is entitled to 76% (not a typo – don’t ask me why 76%) though he’s delusional as the law is clear. I will be so, so glad when this is over.
Or, if your bank statement shows a hefty, mysterious expense right when your wife was sick at home that day
…if every time you begin to speak your pants mysteriously catch on fire…
It’s epidemic ????
???? ????????????????????????
????????????
Got another round in me!
…you keep your germy cell phone in your pajama pocket when you’re home (should have left him for this one alone!)
…you sleep with your cell phone next to your face on the nightstand and claim it’s for the alarm – when you have a perfectly functioning alarm clock sitting next to it, that your wife gave you when you were dating
…you close browser tabs quickly on the shared computer when your wife walks into a room and insist she’s imagining it (and now she can recognize Facebook’s shade of blue from 100 miles)
Quetzal – yess on the race to close the computer faster than a speeding bullet and yesss on the Facebook blue color 100% !!! I’ll add these –
– You might be a cheater if the facebook new message tone makes you leap out of bed in the middle of the night like the bed is on fire and sprint to the guest bathroom down the hall with your phone. Bonus points if you need to race past the bathroom to the garage. Suuurre your wife will believe you thought you heard something alright…. Only not the something you say it was (hmmm was it really a badger out there orrr… was it side bitch saying she’s in her jammies again?
– You might be a cheater if you start to hold your phone at really odd angles to make it harder to view the screen while sitting on the couch and think it looks close to normal – Rest assured – – it doesnt…
-You might be a dumber than average cheater if you never take the time to figure out how to turn off the notification lines (your wife can read the first few lines of everything side bitch says)
-You might be married to a cheater if that aforementioned facebook notification tone makes you twitch like a lab animal in an unethical experiment getting shocked or stabbed many times every.single.day…….
You might be married to a cheater if that aforementioned facebook notification tone makes you twitch like a lab animal in an unethical experiment getting shocked or stabbed many times every.single.day…….
This! But in my case it’s the sound of the click made my slamming his iPad keyboard shut. That sound makes me cringe and is now a lingering part of my PTSD
AND HOW CAN I FORGET THE TOP PIECE!
…every night you’re “SO TIRED” and you make sure you deliver such a compelling line in your whiniest voice possible
(…every night you then proceed to fall asleep without saying goodnight to your wife, having had sex or even a conversation, after making her watch tv shows about disgusting illnesses or crime)
Ohh…the so tired! After he had gone to bed at 8pm sharp for a good 8 hrs.
Seems he was ‘watching’ markets all night.
So – slept a lot when it was our time.
…so enmeshed in yourself that you don’t see how devastated your family is as your partner becomes a top notch marriage detective
You begin manscaping to find if something so small actually exists and your partner never complained about either.
Your partner leaves in he middle of the night with the kids because you are an abusive asshole
You make your wife feel guilty for asking you to (at least) come home in time to put the kids to bed, claiming she’s ungrateful because “I am working my ass off so you and the kids can have nice things.” And that you are difficult to reach during some of these late hours because “I am in a conference room deep in a deal and my phone is on silent.”
…if he’s so dumb that he thinks that charging a hotel room on my credit card and later reversing the charge to pay cash will make it disappear completely from the credit card statement… ????
…if, despite the fact that there was proof, he says “I can’t lie about something that didn’t happen!”????
…if he suddenly manscapes, and shows off the results, and asks me to pick out some cologne for his birthday that is ultimately only worn at work for the howorker to enjoy….????
Omg the hotel credit card thing happened to me too!!!! What a giveaway. The ex claimed it was for a work function.
Omg! I am so stupid. STBX charged a hotel on my card then reversed it. I thought he just decided not to stay there. I already knew about OW and was obtaining evidence. I cannot believe I missed that!
If you send your wife on a girls’ trip for her birthday so that the next month you can justify going on vacation “alone.” #notalone
…gets on dating websites to “vet” men for her sister to date.
…has her SUV used by her friend’s 13yo daughter to have sex with a rando (kid she pointed to) from the neighborhood that left behind a magnum condom under passenger seat, but wont tell friend, and cannot reconcile that it was rape.
…SAHM unreachable all day due to “just got out of shower”, or “was cleaning” while glued to phone the moment I get home.
…habitually hides phone screen, or closes out web browser EVERYTIME I enter room. Sometimes just sits and stares at the wallpaper.
…starts fight then disappears for hours – unreachable due to “no service” or “left phone in car”, or starts meaningless fights after being gone for hours.
…dresses well to shop, or go to work (when she did), but changes upon coming home in to old t-shirts and sweats.
…turns cheek when kissing, placing pillows between you in bed while sleeping ALL THE WAY to very edge of a kingsize bed, but denies that any of that happens, we are good, and she is the happiest she has ever been.
…roleplays as a sex slave online while I work, sleep, sick, go to store… (wasnt aware I knew, or more likely didnt care).
…disappears for 2.5 hours on a friday night for “emergency groceries” at the corner store, but phone said she was at a house 20 minutes away from the store. Wildly inaccurate phone location I guess. Comes back with a small back of nonessentials and says it took a while because clerk was slow.
…so much more to add but ran out of room.
Item #2 — A 13-year-old drove her car? To meet a random kid for sex? And she won’t report it? Do I have this right?
I found the condom. She asked it if was mine. I laughed. She gets hysterical – oh my god! where did this come from! Heads inside to talk to daughter. Cased closed. Daughter friend stayed the night weeks ago. Sleep with kid who walks around our neighborhood in the SUV. Recently confirmed how old she was. I was in denial and didn’t want to know more… just said OK!
… You start wearing neon green contact lenses that make you look like a fucking alien. But really, do prostitutes even give a shit what color your eyes are?
that is some high-key demonic sh*t!!
LMAO, he wore alien contacts to impress hookers. That’s so pathetic it’s hilarious!
You might be a cheater if you claim you have to work late every night Monday through Friday and then get home on Friday evening and announce (Wow, I managed to just barely hit 40 hours this week!) And then get angry and yell at your wife when she asks how you worked five 12 to 13 hours shifts and “just barely” hit 40 hours. She’s just a bitch! She’s just trying to start shit out of nowhere! LOL
If you tell your size four wife she needs to “tone up” and shouldn’t embarrass herself by wearing thong underwear while you tell 400 pounders on the internets how beautiful they are… well, you might be a cheater.
I have to ask-was he into “squashing” ?
WTF?
You are a cheater if :
– you suddenly buy privacy screen protectors for your cellphone and laptop (“everyone on the plane was looking at what I was doing!”)
– you stop sharing your location
– you come down with IBS (self-diagnosed) and spend hours in a locked bathroom
– the one city you always traveled to for work (10+ years) suddenly has no more work and now has to go to another city (home of ho-worker)
– you answer a call from your wife while on a work trip and claim you can’t talk as you are out with the guys at a bar (in a major city), but there is dead silence.
– you change your lock screen passcode from your wedding anniversary date to your ho-workers birthdate
Can’t believe I put up with this shit!
I had exact same. We were married to the same fuckwit! Ewww. So denigrating. I’ll never get those years back. I’m 64. God help him if I ever get a cancer diagnosis.
Yes. My exFW said he couldn’t always share his location because it would turn itself off. Hahaha
His needed to be repaired on a Thursday night at 10:30pm. They stayed late for him ????
I forgot one more
– moved the credit card statements to paperless billing
…if your coffee date with an ex-student is so important it can’t be canceled and you leave your wife and son at the T-Mobile store to finish getting new phones set up.
…if your fanciest trip to Hawaii involved primo chairs on top of the resort with full service, and..he says, I can’t take the sun (umbrellas avail) and had to sprint back to the room after 15 minutes.
Starts a gym membership
Whitens his teeth
Gets braces on his teeth at the tender age of 51????
Removing body hair
And every answer to a question is either “don’t remember” or “don’t know”. Which I might expect from a teenage boy but not from a middle aged man. But then again if heavy porn use stunts their emotional and relational development he is only 11 years????????
That explains a lot of things he cleverly had hidden until D-Day
FW had sudden amnesia, too. This from a man (child) who claimed to have razor-sharp memory, and always accused me of remembering wrongly.
And the heavy porn use, which led to Delayed Ejaculation issues. He admitted that hookers would “work” on him for nearly an hour, then have to say they were finished. Oh, and I just needed more stamina. My fault.
The man-scaping – which, IMO, looked ridiculous.
And don’t forget “the FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT(!) to privacy!” Don’t come near anything in his realm that could possibly be incriminating. His desk, his phone, his computer, his work-shop, his car, his closet. Meanwhile, it’s OK for him to dig through your stuff. Actually, since I had nothing to hide, I didn’t care.
ugh
. . . You start taking a shower BEFORE going to the gym to “workout.”
– if you ignore your wife when she talks, but expect her to listen endlessly while you discuss your “students”
– if you complain because the laundry wasn’t done “fast enough”
– if you are 48, but suddenly decide to spend every Friday happy hour with your 20-something family members & can’t drive home cause you are “too wasted”
– if you uninvite your wife to events that were planned & tickets bought months in advance
– if you suddenly decide hockey is not “your thing” after attending & watching games for 10+ years, so you refuse to go to the game 1 hour before the puck drops
– if you clean out your 401k a week before walking out on your wife, citing the need to “find yourself”
I also got the “vanilla sex” issue that a previous chump mentioned. After DDay, one of the excuses he tried was that she gave him porn star sex and I didn’t. Um, yeah, cause I am your wife not your whore.
Oh well, life is so much better on the other side. Glorious, glorious meh.
Just added to my reading pile:
Lying https://a.co/d/4Qgm5bg
Some very old, very simple, very true life advice I got from AA, decades ago, is STICK WITH THE WINNERS.
All cheaters are liars, and as such are not winners. Lying is self-defeating and destructive, the antithesis of success or healthy behavior.
Trust that they not only suck, but are ripping themselves off as well, voluntarily joining the losers circle, partnering with like-minded (or lack-minded?)
There was no “mistake made”. I do not
want anyone in my life who is capable of lying to me, betraying me, hurting me, abusing me, and for whatever reason I just did not see him that way. The big obvious DDay was the 2 x 4 of Truth unfortunately necessary to break the spell.
If any “mistakes were made”, they were mine for trusting him. The STOP signs were there and I just wasn’t able to give them the respect they deserved until I could.
The mistakes were not yours..get off your own back! The most important part of loving and caring for someone is also trusting and believing. It’s on that person if they abuse that trust. Hindsight is 20/20. I see the signs now too; doesn’t make him less at fault for his intentional deception. Hugs!
I truly appreciate what you are saying here. I don’t believe I caused him to cheat, but looking back, there are definitely times during the relationship that I should have “gotten out of the car” and didn’t, which is important for me to acknowledge for future relationships….if I ever recover from the blow this one dealt me…..
❤️
… when you enroll in college (on the GI Bill) after your lazy ass got fired, and you choose the formerly all-female (and still predominantly female) Woman’s University over the state university that has the better program for your chosen major.
If you never take any responsibility.
If you have a black belt in deflection
If your excuse starts with”but you”
If you create a bizarre narrative
You might be a cheater if:
You have been meeting up for months with an “Ex-Boyfriend” (who happens to be someone that you had an affair with years ago when he was married and you weren’t, and yet you never once mentioned this man to your husband who you’ve been married to for 24 years) under cover of “I’m going to my twice-weekly choir practice” (sidenote: you can’t sing for sh*t) and when busted you deny everything and refuse to discuss it on the grounds of “it’s personal and none of your business.”
You go “FaceBook Official” with your relationship on your public FaceBook profile before you get around to actually leaving the house that you live in with your husband and children.
Just saying.
LFTT
That’s fucked up dude…I’m sorry she put you all through that
NYN,
Thanks …. but believe me, it’s only just scraping the surface of the sh*t she pulled.
To carry on with CL’s theme, I’d add that you might be a cheater if:
You deny to the children ever having met up with your AP until after you left them and their father …….. and then 3 months later tell them that you are now in a relationship with the AP, but that it is all their father’s fault because he pushed the two of them together.
You draw a false equivalence to your children between your relationship with your AP and any relationship that their father might have with someone in the future, even though he is still, 7+ years after D Day, not dating. AKA …… “it’s not fair that you won’t accept AP now, when I know that when your father starts dating you’ll accept his girlfriend.”
You tell your children that their refusal to have anything to do with the AP is putting her relationship with him under pressure and that it will be their fault if they break up.
You’ll get the drift by now.
LFTT
Gawd…she sounds like an evil narcissist. I’m so sorry for you and your kids.
R,
Believe me, she’s all that and more.
Since I’m on a roll, you might be a cheater if:
10 years before you left your husband and kids, you switched all of the savings plans funded out of the joint account (which only your husband contributes to) to plans in your name only. That this only comes out during the divorce process 2 years after D-Day and after you have dissipated the money – making it impossible for your husband to recover any of it – is just the sh*t sprinkles on top of s sh*t sundae.
When you leave your husband and kids, you empty the joint account, leaving him on the hook for the mortgage, supporting your eldest daughter at university and your youngest two children at private school, and for paying off the secret loans that you took out without your husband knowing. That you then double down to try to convince friends and family that this provides ample evidence of your husband’s inability to manage money is the sh*t flavoured sauce on top of a sh*t sprinkle covered sh*t sundae.
A month after you leave your husband and kids, you empty your youngest two children’s savings accounts and your son’s current account ….. and then deny everything. If a sh*t scented sparkler to go on top of the elaborately and lovingly crafted sh*t sundae mentioned above were a thing, this would be it.
LFTT
PS – at least I was able to make sure that the kids got their money back.
…you refuse to tell your (now ex-)wife how many vacation days you have left when she wants to plan a family vacation.
…you buy tins of Altoids in noticable quantities and tell your (now ex-)wife that work is so stressful and these help.
…you show your (now ex-)wife your work calendar to prove how busy you are with meetings every day and your (now ex-)wife realizes that you are the organizer of all of these “meetings” and there are no other participants in these “meetings”. It’s just time blocked off on the calendar under the pretense of “meetings”.
The fuckwit was doing Craigslist hookups on his lunch hour, during these “meetings”, and taking vacation time to enjoy hookups.
So fucking disgusting. FUCKFACE did random hookups while he was away for work…oh and escorts too. Fucking pig.
……if you’re 50 and you buy so many new bras that your husband starts to think you have many sets of secret titties you have never shown him…….but stupid him…..you were just showing the ones you had to coworkers in hotel rooms…..
If you tell everyone that will listen your always working; yet their is never any money from all the time working.
Bingo. My ex fw worked OT or part time jobs all the time, but never any money. He always said the rental properties took up all the excess. (we had two rental properties). I figured out later that the reason he wanted those properties was to hide money that he was spending on whore. His own little money laundering set up.
I have no doubt he was working some part time jobs (as a police officer, they are plentiful) but he was using that money for his whoring around. While I scrimped and did without to make sure our son had some things he needed, and some thing he wanted.
When you find a knit cap in his car that definitely isn’t his style, besides being way too small, and when asked about it he says it belongs to his male friend (who is over 6′ tall with a skull like a melon).