Dear Chump Lady,
I am with who I thought was the love of my life. Everything was going so smooth. We were perfect! We were so happy and everything was going great, we found out we were going to be having a baby. We ended up having a bumpy path, but we got over it.
Well, I’m due in six days, and the other morning I looked through his phone because he was acting a bit strange. And come to find out he was sexting another girl. Getting her to send him pictures and he doesn’t know her. And it went on for four days.
He told me he had to quit talking to her cause he kept thinking of me. I don’t know if I should believe him. I told him I was going to give him another chance, but my trust for him is out the window. I love him with all my heart, I really do. This man means the world to me. But I’m scared he’s gonna do it again. What should I do?
I got your letter 9 days ago, so most likely by now you’re a mom — congratulations! What should you do? Focus on your new baby. Focus on your own self-care, and please, for right now, take the focus off Cheater McGee.
I know that sounds completely counter-intuitive, but that’s ultimately what this comes down to — redirecting the love from him and directing it to yourself and your child instead.
You don’t mention in your letter if you’re married. I hope the first thing you did was put him down as the father on the birth certificate. Now he’s legally on the hook.
Because IMO that’s the only hook that is going to commit this guy to his kid and you. The strong boot of the law. I’m sure some folks would read this (maybe you, in fact) and think I’m over-reacting, but sweetheart, please make a call to your local child support enforcement office. If you are not married, you need extra protection. You need to ensure that he will provide financially for that child, get his wages docked, and let the state be the heavy on this if he doesn’t.
Oh, but he loves you! Oh, but he Was Thinking Of You All the Time!
I’m going to go on a tangent here — the BIGGEST line of shit that cheaters spew is that they were “thinking of you.” Of course, while he was looking at her tits he was thinking of your tits! No he wasn’t. He was looking at OTHER tits because he wants to see OTHER tits. Tits that are NOT your tits. I was “thinking of you” is such utter mindfuckery.
No, Cheater, if you thought of ANYONE, you thought of YOURSELF. Because this is what cheating is — entitlement. He feels entitled to sex, pictures, sexy talk with whomever he pleases. He does not feel bound by a commitment to you.
You cannot reconcile cheating with “thinking of you.” Ask every chump — we’ve tried this one, trust us on this. It’s complete nonsense.
So, now what are we left with? A selfish jerk. A jerk you love.
The kindest thing I can say about the man is he’s immature and not ready for family life. Look, Jessica, there are men out there who truly do commit to their partners. Who would not leave you feeling unsafe when you are at your most vulnerable. New mothers have enough on their plates — an infant who attaches itself to you like a barnacle, an abdomen of silly putty, episiotomy scars — it’s not a pretty time. No one feels terrifically fetching after giving birth. And NOW, of all times, you’re expected to do the Pick Me Dance? How on earth could you compete with Miss Sexting there? All available and interested with her perky breasts that don’t leak or wake her up at inconvenient hours? Her taut pussy when yours feels like the Erie Canal? Her unwavering attentiveness when you can hardly stay awake from exhaustion?
It’s not a fair fight. And he fucking knows it.
Oh but it was only sexting! It just stopped there. Did it? Do you really think a guy who sexts isn’t a guy who wants to get laid?
But you don’t have evidence of that. No, you just have evidence that he’s a selfish asshole.
Is that guy acceptable to you? What could this man do to convince you of his love and commitment to you?
Here’s a pop quiz:
a) Tell you it’s no big deal. It didn’t mean anything.
b) Minimize it, lie, and tell you really he was thinking of you all along. He thought of you so much he did it for four straight days until you busted him.
c) Have an honest conversation with you and tell you he’s not ready for a larger commitment.
d) Work to reassure you that he is committed by legal means — a support agreement for your child.
e) Work to assure you this is HIS problem and not yours and goes to therapy for his entitlement issues and doesn’t blameshift his crap on to you (i.e., well I had to do this, you got fat and pregnant).
Let me guess — you’re getting a lot of a and b, and not much of c, d, or e?
Jessica, parenthood is a marathon. You need a steady, reliable partner by your side, not a fuckwit who is going to drag you down. You’re starting out of the gate with a guy you can’t trust. I suggest if this man is a boyfriend, that you dump him, and do work out with him what you can expect from him on the father front. Many of us have walked this path as single moms and we’re mighty! Many others of us have walked this path as the chump who took him back and lived to regret it. If there are unicorns out there who had a child with a guy like this and he matured into a good partner, I’d love to hear from you. But I expect you’re busy in the fairy forest somewhere…
This is your life, Jessica. Is this man deserving of your good opinion? Is he good enough to share your life and your child’s life? Please pay attention to who this guy IS — through his actions, not his pretty words. Your child is watching you, now and over the next 18 years. Model strength and resiliency — and don’t take shit, Jessica.