I have been in a nightmare for 6 months, my wife told me that she had feelings for someone else. She told me this with a grin on her face no remorse, except the occasional “It just happened.” By the way, we made love the same night, she waited till the morning to stick the knife in me. OHHH shit CAKE!!!! I am reading your book.
I never saw it coming, although now I can remember when it started. It started when we left Florida and moved to California, three years ago. When we lived in Florida she said to me “I want to move to California, you can either come with us (we have a 6 year old daughter) or you can stay here in Florida.” Now that is a red flag, but as a chump I would have done anything for her happiness, so I rented my house in Florida, bought her a million dollar house in California and thought we would live happily forever.
In California she started going out a lot. At first I thought it was because she wanted to make new friends, but she was partying a lot more than I had ever known her to do. A couple of nights she would not answer her phone and never came home. She always had an excuse and I trusted her. Than came the knife… ouch.
She had a meltdown three days after she confessed, said that she was sorry, and didn’t know why it happened. So being the chump I went to therapy. (I think I found the best psychiatrist in California.) At first I was mad at the therapist, he said to me, “Your wife is going to do this to you again. You have two choices to make — accept the fact that you married an unhealthy woman and stick to her, which means accepting her infidelity — or file for divorce. My job is to make you stronger whichever path you choose.”
I was mad at him because my wife is a good, moral person, caring, and a great mother. She said she is sorry and I am sure that she loves me deeply. Okay, I admit it. I am chump!
I chose to save our marriage. Boy, did that turn out to be a mistake. Six months after the I-am-sorry bullshit, she did not come home again and it got worse, like going to the movies with a guy in his twenties (she is 33 years old) we’re-just-friends bullshit.
So I went back to my therapist in tears and he said, “I told you so, now do you want to live with this pain for the rest of your life?”
Fuck no….. please help me. He looked at me and said, “You are going to make it through this, we are going to ignite a candle in you and slowly build a raging fire, so you can be strong.” I remember leaving therapy that day and thinking I have to leave this woman.
I filed for divorce a month ago. Now I am fucked. I am a millionaire, have a business, I own a lot of real estate, have investments in the stock market. Now she is taking me to the cleaners. By the way, she doesn’t work.
What makes me mad is we were only married for 5 years. (Yes, we got married after our daughter was born.) Now she gets to live a wonderful life with her settlement and I get to eat shit. My lawyer says that California is a liberal state and it doesn’t matter that she broke the covenant of marriage. She has no money and I do, so I have to pay…. Bullshit isn’t it?
How can I justify paying her for breaking our marriage?
Sometimes choices suck. You married a cheater and you bred with the fuckwit and now you’re going to pay for the privilege of divorcing her. Welcome to the shit sandwich buffet.
Chumpedman, often in life we have to do very unpleasant things to get better outcomes. Take, for example, the colonoscopy. Forgive the analogy, but I just had a colonoscopy last week. My first. (It’s like a hazing ritual for the middle-aged.) You have to drink a gallon of this vile crap I can only describe as Satan’s Koolaid. A GALLON. (I can’t drink a gallon of anything I like, let alone a gallon of piss-colored poop juice.) The result is 12 hours of intermittent diarrhea. Punctuated in my case with vomiting. Always a good time. And then a trip to the hospital, an IV, and a scope up your butt.
No one would willingly CHOOSE to spend time this way. But do you know what’s worse than a colonoscopy? Ass cancer.
Back to you. No one would willingly fork over a shit-ton of money to their ex. But you know what’s worse than divorce? Living with a cheater.
She is your ass cancer, Chumpedman. You need to cut her out. It’s going to cost you, but you’ll gain your life back.
Is ass cancer FAIR? No. I wish we lived in a world without ass cancer, Chumpedman. And yet it exists. And so we must swallow bitter pills, shit sandwiches, and Satan’s Koolaid to avoid ass cancer.
Here’s the good news. You have a lovely daughter who needs you. You get to be the sane parent. (Please be the sane parent. The poor kid’s mother sounds like a train wreck.) You have wealth and resources. You can rebuild. When you’re feeling the keen injustice of your situation, drop me a line. I’ll let you read my mail for a week and you can count your blessings. You’re not a stay-at-home-mom who’s been out of the work force for a decade. You don’t have to single parent a special needs child. No one abandoned you while you were pregnant, or broke, or sick. You get to walk away with half your stocks, real estate, income, etc.
It’s not the pain Olympics here and I don’t mean to make light of your betrayal. I know it hurts like a motherfucker and your generosity got you used and abused. But it does no good to focus on the injustice. Every single chump here understands how utterly fucking unfair it is. Sometimes choices suck, and you must slog through the pain and injustice to get to a new life. All we take from infidelity is what we learned from it.
Speaking of which, you have an awesome shrink. Fix that picker in therapy. Did this woman share your values? (She probably pretended to.) But did her actions back that up? Did you feel like you had to rescue her? (Pregnant, no job… doesn’t sound like a match of equals there.) Google “borderline waif.” Just a wild guess. Your shrink can help with that too.
I predict in a few years time that despite the heartache you feel now, you’re going to feel nothing but relief to be away from her. You’ll rebuild for the better and she’ll move on to her next array of chump victims. Only as she ages and her life grows more chaotic, she’ll have less to work with and even with your money, she’ll spiral downward. That’s what these people do. Their eternal punishment is being them.
You’ve got a huge head start on mightiness. Please support your little girl and parent her with sanity and stability. You don’t control the divorce process or what your ex will do. You DO control your own degree of awesome, so try your best to look past the injustice, and focus your attention there. ((Hugs)) and good luck.