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UBT: “I Found Myself and Had an Affair”

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An alert chump sent me this letter to “Meredith” an advice columnist, that ran in the Boston Globe’s Love Letters. In it, a cheater laments his pain since his affair partner moved away and how the affair was a chance for him to Find Himself. (Look in the file under “Douchebag.”)

Meredith handled it pretty admirably with “Self-exploration doesn’t entitle you to betray your spouse.” But then fumbled the ball when she recommended couples counseling. (Lawyers and credit checks, Meredith!) The chump requested I put the letter through the UBT.

Without further ado:

Found Myself And Had An Affair

I have tried to write this letter many times. I usually give up because I feel it’s impossible to describe the full story. Bottom line is I had an affair and fell in love with a woman I used to work with. We are both married and she has since moved out of state (previously planned). Our affair began in the same way I have read many affairs do. We were both missing things we needed from our marriages and filled that void for each other.

Our inadequate spouses made us cheat.

We filled voids for each other — pressed against the copier, bent over in the broom closet, and spread eagle on the conference table.

Bottom line, I’m missing the way I filled her void.

Well before the affair began, I started seeing a therapist for stress, but eventually started a journey of self-discovery.

Some people de-stress with massages or puppies. I fuck coworkers. #journey

A little over a year later, I have realized that I went to therapy because I wanted to learn how to love myself.

I went to therapy, not to reflect on my atrocious behavior, but to better celebrate ME. What I came away with, is that there needs to be more love — of ME.

Was I an asshole to you? Hey, I just didn’t know how to love myself!

We could discuss your pain (yawn) or we all try to love me better. Let start with presents!

Throughout my entire life, I have hidden aspects of personality from others or withheld parts of the truth because I am so worried about what others will think of me. This includes my parents, friends, and wife.

This is a sad sausage way of saying “I lie to people.”

What has made this affair so difficult to end is that I was finally able to bear my soul to someone.

By soul I mean “trouser snake.”

I have never been as honest and truthful about myself as I was with her. I revealed things about my past and present that I have never been able to share with anyone.

She knows I am a cheater and a liar because she is cheating and lying along with me. We share that. It makes us special and unlike ordinary people.

When I was with her, I was able to love myself because I knew I could fully be myself.

One sentence, six references to myself. I’ve nailed this self-love thing!

We have recently decided to stop talking (again) for a variety of reasons…

We got busted and she moved away.

…but the most important for me is that I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my marriage without giving my wife a chance to understand the real me.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable without cake and giving my wife the chance to do the Pick Me Dance and provide more cake. I miss cake.

My hope is to find a balance between explaining who I truly am and a confessional.

The UBT is confused — isn’t a confessional confessing the truth? Of who you really are? That’s why it’s a confessional?

sadzTranslation: I’d like to explain my affair and still have people see me as a Splendid Person.

Per usual, I am in a lot of pain but now I finally understand where the pain comes from.

I has a sadz! My pain isn’t because I’m a total fuckwit, it’s because I don’t love myself enough. I’ll screw a few more co-workers endanger my company with a few more sexual harassment lawsuits and see if my mood doesn’t improve.

I have a million questions but it basically boils down to, what do I do?

– Now what

Give your wife a generous divorce settlement? Quit with the operatic self-pity? Shove it up your Void? I’ll leave it to Chump Nation to tell you what to do.

This UBT is a refresh. Re-snarked it a bit. 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Wow, this one is so tricky. The writer says, “I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my marriage without giving my wife a chance to understand the real me.” So, all he has to do is tell her the whole story, and then she’ll have that chance. Of course, what she then understands to be her “real” husband probably won’t be as flattering and glorious as his perception of “the real me.”

    Somehow, it also sounds like the continuation of this “marriage” will also be contingent on his wife loving the “real me” as much as the writer does. Lucky her, all the betrayal AND all the responsibility!

    • Umm…buddy. The “real” you is so spectacular and so you want your wife to enjoy that wonderfulness? Seriously?

      My STBXH is also finally his “real” self with the OW. According to an email in the secret account I discovered, he explains to her that he’s never been able to be his real self with his “perfect” family in which he is the black sheep. They were so controlling and judgmental. Then he married a type-A personality like me, and he felt he could never measure up. She is the first person in his entire life that he can be his real self with. Mind you, he didn’t explain who that real self is…so I’ve had to depend on my observations of this “real” him.

      His “real” self is a liar. He is a cheater. He finds a mate of “low-value” to replace the mate of “high-value” in order to feel better about himself. He likes life to be easier and funner. He wants to minimize the busyness and responsibilities that he thinks only accompany me as life seems simpler with the OW (who does not have custody of her three kids so can live like a single lady most of the time). He has weak morals and a wishy-washy value system.

      Ain’t he a catch now?

      My apologies that I fell for a man who presented himself to be high-functioning who could hold his own with me. So happy to learn that 15 years of my life were used by him to pretend he is someone he is not. I’ll have to offer the OW my congratulations one day, if I ever meet her. Congratulations for scoring a man who basically explained to you that what he loves about being with you is that he can be “less.” And she took him? Now that’s high self-esteem working for her. Have fun loving in the land of low expectations!

      • Yikes! Were you married to BoyMan? According to him, his family also “didn’t get” him. Although, I’m pretty sure they did, as over the years I’ve heard about the various ways he let everyone down–which explains the incredulous looks when I would burble, “I think BoyMan must be the perfect man!” (Yes. I did.) Skankbag was definitely a downgrade in tons of ways, but he said that being with her was “like coming up for air,” so there’s that. Also, they first dated when they were teenagers, so him letting his entitled-jackass-flag fly probably just felt like the good old days to her.

      • OptionNoMore, every time I read your posts I marvel at how they’re always so on point with my life. My loser ex husband told me something very similar when he left. . . “I need a fresh start. I need to be somewhere where nothing reminds me of my past life. I need to be able to be ‘me’. Here I’m just ‘that guy’ but in (state where OW lives) I can be ‘somebody’. I need to go there and be with her so I can finally be myself, I can finally be the real me.”

        My head was spinning but all I could think was what does that even mean?? You’re saying for the 21 years I’ve known you that you haven’t been your real self?? Same as with you Option, mine didn’t explain who that real self is either so I’ve also had to depend on my observations of this “real” him.

        His “real” self is a shitty father. He was always a shitty father, I just spackled so damn much I didn’t allow myself to admit it. He was a shitty husband and terribly lazy partner. He’s a lying bastard and a cheater who also found a mate of “low-value” to replace the mate of “high-value” in order to feel better about himself. All he really wants is someone to take care of him, to stroke his ego, and be the perfect wife appliance with no needs, no desires, no wishes of her own. A wife appliance to feed him kibbles on demand and to accommodate his every whim while also taking care of every single adult responsibility in the home/marriage/family. My job was to make everything easy for him and to make sure he was happy and satisfied, all while holding down a full-time job outside the home as well. And I better not even consider working late or bringing work home or traveling for my job–all those things take attention away from him. We had decided before we got married to have 2 kids, maybe even 3 if it felt right. But after the first was born, he realized pretty quick that baby took way too much of my attention away from him so he refused to have any more children. I have a picture I took of him holding his son in the hospital the day after he was born and at the time (and for many years later), I chalked up the horrible way he was looking at the baby to exhaustion and stress. Now I can see it for what it really was–pure and utter contempt for that child because the reality had begun to set in that the baby was going to be my number one and he was going to have to take a back seat. Selfish f**king jerk!!

        I literally shudder when I think about what a disservice I did to myself by allowing him to treat me the way he did, it’s sick. I truly feel sorry the woman he’s with now and any others in the future because I know what they’re in for. When I was finally able to peel myself off the floor and get my legs back under me after the day he dropped the bomb on our lives, I make it a point every day to live my life in a way that models strength, resiliency, and kindness because I am the role model for our son. I don’t want him to think the way his father behaved was acceptable and we talk frequently about that. I wouldn’t have said this ten months ago, but I can say it now–the jackass did me a favor. The OW thought she won, but she couldn’t have been more wrong!

    • “I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my marriage without giving my wife a chance to understand the real me.”

      Sounds like he wants to give her the chance to love him now that she knows the kind of deceit he’s capable of. No thanks. Love + trust = happy relationship.

  • This letter could have been written by my stbxh…the only difference is after a year of lying, cake and pick me dancing he decided to move out, become a ghost….that is after his married howorker sold her house and is in the divorce process too….he still tries to play the sad sausage…all I have heard in the past year was how miserable he was, how he has problems (that only fucking his married howorker could solve) and she is the only one he can talk to openly because she totally understands and is going thru the same thing (knowing how to lie, cheat and deceive). I would really like access to his Marriott reward points so I can take a nice vacation!!

    How pathetic they are!!!! I will tell you what to do…come clean and let you continue to find YOU on your own and while paying a nice alimony check every month….You made your choice…your wife was not given one..

    Cheaters really do SUCK!!!!

      • Better revenge….use some divorce settlement money to vacay in the nicest hotel or vacation rental you can afford….keep your cheap hotels, cheaters.

    • I’m in the same boat, this sounds exactly like my ex. Overheard him on speakerphone talking to his married employee at 1:00 am. I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, I heard enough to know he was having an affair. I revealed myself and yelled, “You need to get the F^(# out of MY house!”.

      We’ve talked about it, he was “unhappy” (like I WAS happy?!), I wasn’t giving him enough attention (I wasn’t getting enough attention either), OW understood him (yeah, because she’s a lying, trashy cheater too), he couldn’t talk to me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings (because the discovery of his affair with his rode-wet-put-away-hard employee was such a joyous moment for me…she’s been subsequently been propositioned by another married man in the office. Word gets around when you’re the office doorknob…everyone gets a turn!)

      It’s been a little over 3 weeks, and I’m still disgusted, angry and oddly, OPTIMISTIC! Have lost 7 pounds on the broken-heart diet, and in two weeks, will also be losing an adult male child. She can have him (although he swears he ended the affair, but won’t delete her from his phone or social media because it’s “work related”)…they deserve each other.

      • You rock, Sisu! I wish I’d had your determination 13 years ago; it would have saved me 2 1/2 years of humiliating pick-me dancing.

        • Thank you. His affair was just the last straw for me. Our relationship has been lop-sided since we moved in together 6.5 years ago. I do the lion’s share of the work around the house (it’s my house, I bought it on my own) and he hasn’t paid the mortgage and other bills in 3 years. Who the eff needs more of that?! He was kind in giving me the perfect excuse to kick him to the curb and still look like the good guy. You have to find the silver-lining and grab on to it : )

          I’m glad we never got married (we were planning to get married after child support issues with his ex cleared up). This could’ve been a lot messier!

          • Sisu, mine had a long-term affair with a married coworker too. One of the funniest/weirdest/most insane things he told me was he felt happy when he was on business trips with her, but guilty whenever he’ was on his way home to me.

            So he blew up our marriage because I made him feel guilty. When I didn’t know what he was doing.

            • Ick. Just ick.

              I’m not looking forward to living in my big house alone, have safety issues stemming from my childhood…which is why I think I held on to my shiny turd so long. I felt safer with him in the house. But now I know he was using me for money. I’m disgusted there are people out there who are like this.

              I’m starting to see him for the narcissist he is, and am enjoying watching him try to manipulate me for more kibbles. I’ve turned off my emotions towards him and last night, he said he worries about me. My response, “Oh, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine. In fact, if you want to sleep with every twat on the planet, that’s fine with me. I really don’t care anymore. You and I are single now, your social life is none of my business.” It felt good 🙂

        • Glad to hear you did much better. I’m not quite there yet, still have to figure out the little things, but one of these days, I may be open for a relationship again.

              • I’m NOT a Finn though I may be one born in the wrong country, I love Finland! I haven’t heard of sisu but now I’ve looked it up and yes!!! I claim it. My Finnish friend taught me a little Finnish so now it’s handy to be able to mutter “Paska!!” in polite British company when I need to curse! Greetings to you guys 😀

              • ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump (love the name, by the way), “Paska”, lol! I’ll have to put that one in my vernacular for later use 😉 Sisu is accessible to anyone…strength of will, determination, perseverance, and acting rationally in the face of adversity…it’s a feeling that erupts from my gut and gives me incredible strength. It’s an amazing feeling and quite a high 🙂

  • Shove it up your void – genius

    laughed so loud the people in the next office wanted to know why…

  • Wow….
    This amazing human being, misunderstood by friends, family and of course- by the stupid wife.
    The self discovery journey, could not start with “ honey, I’m going through some tough time, I value and respect you and our marriage, so maybe we can start talking and see where we are as individuals/ couple at this point in our life?
    I started missing xyz , what about you? Maybe we miss the same stuff, so let’s either discover new ways together, or split.

    But no.

    Let me fuck around cause I m so awesome, enlighted and all…. you keep taking care of the family and kids, so I can fuck, complain and enjoy my escapades.

    🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

    Lack of character – not a self discovery.
    What bothers me…. one year in therapy and that was his conclusion? Not enough love? Wow. Paying for lies- I’m sure the wife appreciated the $$$ spent on convincing therapist how incredible Cheater was and how much more he needs.

    • That’s the problem with most therapists, though, because they operate from this framework of giving people “unconditional positive regard” (see: Carl Rogers) and are taught to never pass judgement on their clients. What happened to right and wrong and telling it like it is??

      My cheater’s “therapist” (quack) just constantly told him how wonderful he was and how much progress he was making (???), blah blah blah. This was during the initial wreckonciliation phase when you know cheater was seeking affirmation that he wasn’t a ‘bad guy’ but rather an unfortunate victim who made ‘a bad choice’. Boy, did he get what he paid for. At some point though he had a tiny, momentary glimmer of introspection and was able to question the therapist – what exactly had he made progress on? – and the answer given was, you guessed it, LOVING HIMSELF. 🙄

      • Mine fired the first four therapists because they were “so judgmental”. Yup, “quit being an asshole” was not what he wanted to hear.

        • Mine refused to go to individual counseling at all. He didn’t want to risk the possibility of hearing “stop being an asshole”. Coward.

          • Mine too. He went to 2 appointments, but when it became clear that he would need to address his own issues…well, he was outta there. In his opinion my issues were the only thing that needed working on.

          • The XW insisted, and got court mandated to have the family go through family therapy and individual therapy for our youngest, yet won’t get some for herself.

            Yes….because everyone else in her family is “screwed up” except her. #bitch #lyingcheatingmother

        • My Ex refused professional help to come to terms with his sexuality after d’day claiming he did not need it he was working on it with the church. When our youngest child at 12 pulled the plug on visitation a year ago he instantly jumped to wanting the two of them to go to therapy together. When she asked him what he hoped they would get out of it he reflected it back that he hoped that they would be able to resolve her issues. Because I am a qualified counsellor when she refused to go he insisted I explain to her why she should go and what she would get out of it. I called him and knowing full well he was on speaker phone with our girls explained I could not tell our daughter what she would get out of therapy as it is an individual thing and I was not the client nor the therapist. This pissed him off becasue he expected me to be all in on his plan dispite his constant remined that what he does with our girls is non of my busness. I then pushed the point by explaining to him that a counsellor of worth would be asking him what steps he has already taken to try and resolve the issues between them (which I know he had not acknowledged instead jumping to counselling), so I asked, what has he done?. He exploded knowing our girls could hear him, telling me his actions are non of my concern and I need to stay out of things along with a nunber of choice expleetives. Needless to say they they never went to threapy together, I did get her into counselling by herself and she has not looked back. Therapy is just a part of the game for a narc cheater pants.

      • Mine diagnosed depression and PTSD in me, nothing in my husband…. ( so far so good) and then started bringing the topic of discussing issues in nice positive environment ( candles, wine) …. I see the joke now.
        “ yes my dear, by preparing this lovely meal I would like to thank you for agreeing to discuss the topic of my judgmental self, that unfortunate resulted in you cheating on me “
        Oh, wait…. you were cheating before we got married…. you listed the “ actions” and “ numbers” of hook ups with a smirk on your face…. just to be pet on your shoulder for being a brave boy.

        My therapist had PhD in mental health and family therapy… no joke.

      • Oh, therapists. Separate the syllables in that word and you have “the rapists”.
        The Asshole’s therapist actually said the classic line;
        “It sounds like you love your wife but aren’t IN love with her.”
        When I first heard that I laughed, then I wanted to kick the quack in the balls and yell ;”It sounds like neither, dipshit!”

    • And isn’t he being so kind to give his wife a chance to do better now that his AP as run off and left him without any “voids” to fill. How sweet of him. Of course he hasn’t told her what has been going on and why he has been such a jerk to her and he probably isn’t telling her who he really is and never did tell her that he was unhappy and/or what he needed to have those “voids” filled. He will just “give her a chance” to figure it all out on her own without her knowing she is being tested and when she fails it will be all her fault and he will cheat again because “she just doesn’t understand me”. Of course in all of this there is no mention of the wife’s feelings or his trying to understand her better and/or meet her needs. I am sure she has been feeling the abuse as his performance in the bedroom wanes and/or is non existent and he is being distant and critical and gone for long periods of time with no real explanation. The thing I have come to realize now that I didn’t realize in the aftermath of DDay is that the time for counseling is before somebody strays. After it’s too late. The cheater has already torpedoed the marriage at that point and is to focused on his/her own needs (wants) to be an equal partner in trying to put the marriage back together again. It will be all take and no give from him if he and his wife stay together, marriage counseling or no.

      • “He will just “give her a chance” to figure it all out on her own without her knowing she is being tested and when she fails it will be all her fault and he will cheat again”

        This was the last 2 months of my marriage. I didn’t know he was cheating. He was giving me the silent treatment (hardly called or texted) and we were supposed to be working on being happier. No, he was fucking someone else and I was pick-me-dancing though I didn’t know it. At the end, I failed the test that I didn’t know I was taking.

        He was cold and indifferent and I will never forgive him for treating me so callously.

        • “At the end, I failed the test that I didn’t know I was taking“

          This. And then I was told “too little too late

      • “the time for counseling is before somebody strays.” Well that’s no fun to the disordered mind. That sounds like work. Sex with someone new is much more appealing.

    • Cheaters never change. They don’t realize their dishonesty is the common denominator. Nor do they realize that the lie eats them up worse then the extra marital sex. But they can’t stop lying.

    • I agree here. Looking back now, I would have had more respect for the XW if she came to me w/a similar statement of “I’m not happy w/our marriage, and I want to tell you now before anything happens.” Instead, she chose the “stealth route” of miscommunication and misdirection.

      I love and respect myself enough to to have stopped being chumped long ago. And to think, she still can’t understand why her children don’t want to be w/her.

    • They want it all. The spouse working for that other paycheck and taking on the big duties at home. Plus the fun of sneaking around with a ho-worker. They want to be the one with secrets and options. They want the spouse in the dark so they can spend the money. They want to be able to look like a decent person while behaving like a cheater. They want the triangle so that two different people are doing the pick-me dance. They want their every action to say “You aren’t the boss of me.”

      • The famous line I’ll never forget as I was leaving to go to work at the hospital…
        “ you can’t put my dick in your purse”.
        He then quickly retorted he did not mreally mean that
        Funny how their real self shows itself
        Get lost

    • My ex went to a therapist and Dday was THAT DAY. He continued weekly sessions throughout the divorce (on my insurance, of course). I just cannot imagine what he told this guy. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall.

  • This sounds so familiar. I think cheaters have some secret cheater book that they pass around. My STBX also said that he was confused. That he felt that I did not love or understand him. He felt that if he cheated I would not of cared anyway. And my cousin gave him complements and made him feel good about himself. Poor little hubby his wife forced him to cheat. Cheaters are a special group aren’t they?

    • Same here. Wasband often would tell me how he felt that I stopped loving him and did not want him anymore. Ironically he only told me these things AFTER he got caught. So he stayed out all night, ignoring my phone calls and texts, doing God knows what with God knows who, getting drunk and having a great time until he had to come home and deal with his pissed off (hurt) wife. He NEVER told me anything beforehand. I guess he did not want to make me mad as he often would say also. (I didn’t tell you because you would get mad)

      Then it was somehow MY fault because poor widdle dad sausage did not feel like I loved him anymore. Forget the fact that i was up all night worried and scared for him, forget the fact that i called and texted him repeatedly all night. Forget the fact that I was crying and went looking for him. Nope, he somehow believed i did not care if he stayed out all night.

      And it worked for years. I would stop being pissed off and hid my hurt so i could fall all over myself trying to convince HIM how much i loved him, how much I needed and wanted him and made sure he knew how I appreciated him. I put do much energy trying to make HIM feel better, while he did nothing to make me feel better, or wanted or loved. He used my love for him against me.

      Ultimately I got boring (I was emotionally unavailable after the death of my 25 years first born daughter). So he ran off with the neighborhood party girl meth head. She was so kind to tell me that our marriage was over anyways. And how I wasnt treating HIM right. I guess I missed the memo on that.

      4 years later, I was lucky to talk to him and he told me that our divorce was not his fault, not my fault, we just drifted apart. We both stopped loving each other. Again, that was news to me. .. .. he also told a friend of mine (he did not know she was my friend) that when he met up with the troll, he thought they were “meant to be together” because he knew he when he was younger. So he gave up everything to be with her. The same week he was telling me that we “drifted apart”.. .. so ya, he knows he is lying.

      I am not falling for that shit anymore. I have peace and happiness. He has the troll that beats him and keeps him on a short leash.

      • Mine thought that because he didn’t get caught with Schmoopie 1.0 that meant I didn’t really care what he did. I got punished for trusting him.

      • The X, I’m sure, is telling everyone that the marriage died. News to me too! I’ve been telling everyone that the X is a fucking cheater and coward. He told me twice that I was not to blame and I believe him. He was not good husband and he’s not a nice person.

        I just found out last week, through email correspondence with him, that he’s been getting prank calls. He accused me of doing it. I had to laugh. My response was, who else did you piss off? It’s probably an AP that was shucked aside. Join the club, honey.

        • oh! i get blamed for everything that happens to him. someone broke into his facebook account and was sending messages out. But he thinks it is me, so does his troll. . … i just laugh and say, i dont have the time for that shit but thank you for thinking so much of me. … it goes right over both their heads. they do not understand what i say. both are too busy with whatever twisted lie they made up in their heads.. .

          someone prank calls him and they think it is me even thou i do not have his most recent phone number. once during the divorce process, his truck was broken into, the window was broken and of course he blamed it on me. i honestly think it was his troll who did it, she was looking for anything to make sure he was not coming back to me, and she put it in his head that i did.. .. . i shut that shit down by reminding him i had a key to his truck so why would i need to break the back window to get in it. haha it did not last long because she convinces him i am messing with them all the time. to the point that he refuses to come pick up our boys from my house or even call them to talk to them.

          his loss. i talk and see my children every day. he is stupid to believe her and she is stupid thinking that i want him back. they are toxic and all drama.

          • I had my car broken into once while at at work. It was in the parking garage across from my building. All four side windows were bashed in, and the windshield were shattered but held in place by the film. I had nothing valuable in my car.

            Coincidence or not, the X and his ex-wife had a court hearing that day. She was not happy when she left.

            The tow guy was teasing me about a jealous lover, either mine or the X’s. Honestly, it seemed so vicious to be merely coincidental. Although, my parking pass was stolen so who knows.

            As for the calls, I didn’t remind the X but I should have – I have him block on all social media and on my cell. While in the hell would I do prank phone calls if I would go to all that trouble? Idiot.

        • I always tell people my ex left years before he told me. He was always traveling so much for his “job” that it was hard to tell.

      • Mine said the same bullshit, but with a twist. It was “you didn’t want sex much anymore so I thought you didn’t love me.” He knew full well I was ill and on medication that destroyed my libido. He also knew I was trying everything I could to get it back and had asked for patience. So I’m 100% sure that was a lie concocted after the fact to rationalize his appalling behavior.
        They will use any excuse.
        I’m glad you’re rid of that putz. She actually beats him? Hahahaaa!

  • My question is, why weren’t you yourself with your wife? If something was missing from your marriage, was it because YOU weren’t trying/participating/revealing etc? Maybe if you had been yourself with your wife, you wouldn’t have felt anything missing from the marriage.

    Just my two cents.

    • Mine said after during a bullshit counseling session
      “I didn’t fully accept you….”
      WTF? Sounded like he read that somewhere!
      I not only accepted him, I accepted his 4 yo son and Raised him.
      Counselor told me that we did not have a marriage problem, he had a personal problem.
      Creeps, so untrue to themselves, anything to justify poor behavior.
      Get out.

  • “Throughout my entire life, I have hidden aspects of personality from others or withheld parts of the truth because I am so worried about what others will think of me. This includes my parents, friends, and wife.”

    For someone so worried about what others think of him, he has an odd way of behaving. He presents it as a primary concern then cheats. You would think that would stop him from cheating on his wife with a married coworker. Nope. Apparently, he isn’t THAT concerned about what others…including his wife…might think of him.

    • That is exactly the contradiction in my ex’s behavior. He is so concerned about image and looking like such a reliable honest person and then he goes and does something like this. I guess I wasn’t perfect enough (poor fashion sense) and so he was embarrassed to be married to me. He isn’t embarrassed about being with a woman who fucks married men and tears families apart while married herself, however. Of course, nobody else was supposed to find out about that. It didn’t turn out that way. He is still paranoid about who may or may not know the truth about what happened and how that will affect his reputation and Schmoopie’s. Clearly I am the one who betrayed him by telling anyone at all (he assumes I have told more people than I have). Now he is just hoping that eventually everyone will forget how their relationship started so it doesn’t tarnish their reputations. Ironically, it’s my reputation that has improved as there are many people (including his family members) that have told me that they are impressed with the way I have handled this whole situation. His family still loves him but they don’t really respect him so much anymore. He used to be the golden child. Ex probably thinks this is so unfair. Life sure is simpler when you don’t go around doing things you don’t want others to find out about.

      • You’ve just described my ex to a tee. Blames me from having his full happiness with the OW because I told his family about the affair. Yep, all my fault. I’m annoying that way. Poking around, learning things, confronting him about it, informing family. It’s very inconvenient for him.

        His family has made it very clear that they will not accept an affair partner into their homes. My fault too. Why did I let them know that she was arrested for assaulting her husband and a peace bond was issued against her for a year? Why did I let them know that she does not have custody of her kids? Why did I let them know that she has a drinking problem as sees an alcohol advisor? Why did I let them know that she was running around with my husband for about 17 months of our marriage? Why did I let his very Catholic family know that she regularly consults with psychics and believes that everything is written in the cosmos? Why did I let his family know that in the summer of 2015 a woman reported the OW on a bunch of homewrecking and cheating website that when she was still married the OW had an affair with this woman’s boyfriend?

        I have robbed him of his opportunity to properly explain to them that she is a really good person who just made some mistakes in his life. She’s a victim of the system that made an example out of her. Her controlling and abusive husband took advantage of the situation and kept her from her kids and has systematically worked to turn the kids against her. And that affair she had was not really an affair as her husband and her were really separated but still living in the same house. He even knew she was seeing this man (ummm…news flash…typically abusive husband’s don’t tolerate separated but living in the same house and open to dating other people scenarios).

        Sadz sausages all around everyone!

    • Zing!!!!

      So much brilliance here at Chump Nation. We are not stupid….we were conned. The trick is to run when the Ponzi scheme is exposed. There is no gold nugget inside the nut, fellow Chumps. Stop, drop, and run away! (Probably the best applicable Monty Python and the Holy Grail quote for Chump Nation).

      If I am ripped off, it’s not because I am stupid; I am slimed by someone else’s lousy character.
      I have to wise up after the big reveal and quit expecting something from someone who has shown IN SPADES that they don’t have it.

    • “Apparently, he isn’t THAT concerned about what others…including his wife…might think of him.”

      Sure he is, that’s why he doesn’t end it, want to tell his wife or have her find out. He’s VERY concerned that what she will think is, “Fuck you, I’ve had it, get out, I’m filing!”

      Or, she can think all of that but first he needs a nice warm bed to spread-eagle and “fill voids”.

  • Has anyone counted the references to himself? I/me/my etc? I couldn’t bring myself to. In comparison, I could only see two references to his wife.

    Even then, it was either in relation to himself:
    “I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my marriage without giving my wife a chance to understand the real me.”
    Or, almost as an afterthought:
    “This includes my parents, friends, and wife.”

    Remarkable. Not only is there no empathy there, there’s not even any indication there that he considers that he’s treated her badly. That poor woman.

    The way she doesn’t even feature in his letter – therefore, his thinking, makes me wonder the extent to which that plays out in their day-to-day life and that this isn’t a form of emotional abuse – she doesn’t matter, her needs don’t matter, she’s secondary – nay – barely even an afterthought, to his own self-musings and his needs…

  • Congrats, pal — for years, you kept to yourself the fact that you’re a fundamentally dishonest person.

    Can’t say I blame you for worrying about what others might think of that.

    Is that one of the things you’ve found to love about yourself?

  • ChumpLady, if you ever patent and franchise that UBT you’ll be a gazillionaire— I guess that’s both good and bad.

  • My mind is kind of blown. I think he trusts that he sucks!! He just wants a loophole that will make people somehow be ok with that.

  • The problem is, there is a healthy level of self love and without it, people do tend to make poor choices for themselves.

    But here, a therapist totally screwed up the concept and handed it to a narcissist on a silver platter.

    Maybe the therapist was just naive. But the damage is done and it happens every day. The mental health industry sure has a way to go before they can start doing more good than harm with the cluster Bs.

    Unfortunately the legal system is just as bad imo.

    • I can see how it would be difficult to distinguish a covert narcissist from someone with a lack of healthy self-love. After all, isn’t there supposed to be an early psychological injury which causes an inferiority complex that narcissists then cover up with grandiosity and entitlement? And didn’t we, as chumps, choose to see the poor emotionally wounded inner child instead of the selfish asshole adult behaviors?

      But therapists are supposed to be able to see past facades, right? They should be able to look beyond a person’s professed lack of self-esteem and say, uh no dude, I’m diagnosing you with a narcissistic personality disorder. So why, then, do so many fall for the sad sausage act and further screw this up for innocent spouses/children/society?

      I’ll admit I’m jaded. I was in marriage counseling without knowing that the real reason for our marital problems was my husband was having an affair. The counselor actually told us that whatever grievances I had didn’t matter because HE was obviously the hurting spouse whose needs came first. After all, he CRIED to her about how mean I was to him. Well that only ramped up cheater’s entitlement issues and increased his emotional cruelty and manipulation while I pick-me danced like crazy.

      To top it all off, cheater later decided that counseling looked like “easy money” because “how hard could it be to sit around all day and pretend to listen to people while you look at your computer?” – and he enrolled in grad school to become a licensed professional counselor!! I really did not think he’d be able to bullshit his way through and deceive them, too, but he’s about halfway finished.

      Idiots. All of them.

      • I think it’s a profession that attracts disordered practitioners!

        I work for one and can vouch for what really goes on there and it’s scary.

        I am sorry for what you encountered and sorrier still to hear that yet another cheater is going to enter the ranks.

        My daughter is almost 16 and still dealing with visits to her narc father and that’s the first thing he threatens when she challenges him. “You need counseling!”

        No. She doesn’t.

      • “And didn’t we, as chumps, choose to see the poor emotionally wounded inner child instead of the selfish asshole adult behaviors?”

        So true! I am 3 months from D-day and trying to let go of wishing I could have helped my spouse deal with whatever childhood issues are causing repeating behaviours. I need to realize it’s not my problem. Especially when she wasn’t even taking steps to acknowledge or work on it.

        • Same here Chumparoooo. My stbx told me he had a ‘mother wound’ and that he looked on me as his mother, not his wife. He had a pretty awful childhood with fighting parents, terrible bullying and a life-threatening illness. I wanted to help him and look after him so much as I loved him. But the decisions he made to deceive me and prioritise his ‘friendship’ with the OW over our marriage, were made as an adult. He knew he was doing wrong.

    • Only chumps with a degree in mental health( or similar) should be dealing with cheaters …. no kibbles… no petting on head… just straight forward WTF sucker?

  • If he can’t stay faithful due to his existential angst, then how do people with REAL problems stay faithful?

    Why don’t these slobs appreciate the fact that they have a spouse and/or family? Why is there no gratitude for their lives?

    They could care less how they hurt those around them. Imo they love and focus on themselves too much.

    • That’s exactly it. So often these cheaters have every reason to be happy with their lives but they just aren’t and when their spouses fail to fully recognize and be sympathetic to their victimhood they become the villain who “doesn’t understand” so the cheaters are justified in running off into the arms of someone who at least pretends to understand.

  • The only thing missing from his letter to “Meredith” is… p.s. Do you like Pina Coladas? Getting caught in the rain?…

    A normal person would be so shamed/humiliated/embarrassed by their actions (if they were truly a unicorn) and not feel the need to continue to self-promote their “pain” by writing into a newspaper columnist.

    There is nothing that will fill this fuckwits void. Nothing.

    • Yep. I am told I should be grateful for what I still have left…the kids (to look after on my own with no support) or that I’m still alive – you know – the ol’ ‘focus on the postives’. So, why are cheaters never told that they should have been grateful for what they had?

        • Gratitude, love, happiness – the X will spend the rest of life looking for happiness not realizing that he will never find it. He won’t find the happiness that you or I experience as he can’t truly love. I think he knows it’s missing and he wants it but he doesn’t have the emotional building blocks. So he cheated for the that high because that must be happiness.

          There’s a part of me that feels sorry for him that he will never the wonderful feelings from loving and being loved. However, there’s a part of me that wishes that the ground would swallow him up and save the rest of the world from his shit life.

          • i get what you are saying. i now think that wasband is too stupid to even realize what he lost. he had a very good life with me. i really did love him unconditionally. i did everything for him and did it so well that he ultimately thought that i was boring. he had to run off with the neighborhood party girl meth head. SHE understood him so much better then i did. Even thou i supported, loved, helped, picked up, etc for him for 15.5 years.

            blows my mind how he could just walk away from someone who has stood by his side and helped bail him out, picked him up, boosted up his ego and made him feel better for 15 years for some chick he knew years ago and reconnected with at a party. .. she is still legally married, bailed on her own husband, abandoned her own 4 kids, had no job, had no house, had no car, but he thought she would love him better then i was.

            he actually said that when he ran across again after all those years, he thought they were “meant to be”.. .. apparently he never thought it was meant to be with HIS WIFE.. .. the one person who stayed with him consecutively the longest. not even his mom and dad stayed with him that long. .. .. but nope, it wasnt meant to be with me. i never entered his mind when he would out chasing another man’s wife. SHE was the one!!! it must be FATE that brought her back into his life, not the fact that there was free alcohol to drink at the house he was at, most likely bought by him, while his chumpy wife took care of the house, kids, and made sure all the bills were paid. he says that he “gave up everything to be with HER’.. .. and he did but she damn sure is not worth it and he is too stupid to know the difference.

            he doesnt miss what he never appreciated or noticed to begin with. all the shit i did for him and with him meant nothing at all. he doesnt remember it, he never missed it and he never thought about me or his kids. we just got in his way of his fun. .. .

          • This is exactly like my STBX and how I felt. Everything he ever wanted he asked for and got when we got together. Now he’s unhappy all the time and has “problems” that I don’t even try to understand. He doesn’t know why he is the way he is. It’s his childhood, upbringing, his ex, me, his job. He won’t ever truly know love and is very comfortable in the role of the victim. He cheated because I didn’t give him enough attention (he actually wanted me to greet him at the door when he came home at the end of the week). He wouldn’t go for counseling because he would look bad but he will try any alternative therapy as long as he’s told how awesome he is!! Yes, the façade is awesome but the real him that he only shows at home is a jerk!! Of course this is everyone’s fault but his. He’s feeling sad or unloved so hey, I’ll hire an escort, that will make me feel better!!!! I’M the bad guy, I don’t communicate. I don’t listen. I don’t understand or even try to. Hmmmm……Funny thing, his dad did the same things to his mom and he thinks his dad is an asshole.

  • Lol.

    I’ll say/write it again: THESE PEOPLE NEVER LEFT HIGH SCHOOL!!!

    Literally all of them sound like starry-eyed teenagers. Nothing’s more unattractive than a middle-aged moron of either gender trying to relive their youth by “dreaming” and “finding themselves” under the sheets with their fuck buddy affair partners.

      • Indeed. Very LOL. So pathetic come from a 44 year old man with a child. Still got their mother’s milk dribbling down their chins. It’s risible.

    • So true! My Ex even has a high school alumni things hanging from the rearview mirror in the car. In our home we had to display his high school trophies and medals.

      They truly are still high schoolers.

      • Lol. Trophies to prove he was somebody in high school. 😂 If they could only see how dumb they look through others’ eyes instead of just the pool of water where they fell in love with themselves. Narcs just like to narc too much for that, though.

  • His “void” is where his heart was supposed to be. These creeps all think that they are the only ones who have feelings and when others express theirs they are either being annoying or judgmental.

    • Absolutely. With my ex, anyone with feelings needed to “squash it.” He liked saying that to me any time I busted him or called him out on anything. Can’t have anyone figuring them out and giving them consequences. And needs? Yeah, only weak, needy people have those. Except for him. He had a whole list of them that he was entitled to have met 24/7. But that all comes back around to the part where they don’t want any rules, including their own, to apply to them.

  • This guy has spent a lot of time navel gazing. Gee – AF moved away! No one is worshipping me right now! Look at ME ME ME!!!!

    He cannot comprehend that his wife deserves a partner who doesn’t already have one foot out the door. He should be kissing her ass every day for the rest of his life. But in true Narc form he is stuck feeling sorry for himself.

    I hope that she got tired of listening to this crap ( I sure got a headache just from reading it ) and kicked his ass out the door.

  • The “husband” initial apologies were “I’m sorry but….” because the affair “showed him what was missing in his life” and “opened his eyes”. I said the only thing an affair should open your eyes to is that you are really fucked up. And what’s missing in your life is a heart, a brain, character, integrity, truth, kindness, generosity, an understanding of the definition of ‘love’, morals, emotional maturity, intelligence….yes, I agree, there is a LOT missing in your life, and I have nothing to do with them, and your solution to those missing things compounds their absence. My eyes were opened too, and what’s missing from my life is an inept life partner and there is nowhere but up from here.

  • “We were both missing things we needed from our marriages”.

    My xhole wrote a letter to our 20 yo son in which he patiently explained that 10 years of hookers and gay sex clubs was because he was looking for things he wasn’t getting in the marriage: “a sense of adventure, validation and feeling attractive.” And then, by sensibly taking care of those needs, “it allowed [him] to ask less of the marriage”.

    Translated: check out of marriage, BUT keep family home, lovely kidlets and useful wife appliance plus maintain Great Family Man public persona.

    When wife says (a few times over the years) that she feels like a just a housemate, and not like they are sharing their lives, tell her that’s her problem, he “never signed up to be responsible for her happiness,” she’s needy and controlling and needs to sort *herself* out.

    Anyway …

    What do you do, Now What? You take a gigantic choking mouthful of accountability, remorse, penitence and honest self-appraisal, admit you have been a ridiculous rubbish human being, and you spend the entire rest of your life making amends to your family and those who trusted and had faith in you. No more justifying, minimising or blame-shifting.

    You don’t gain self-love through Schmoopie-gratification. Genuine self-discovery is a long hard road, and facing your true self will be *incredibly* uncomfortable. It doesn’t happen magically when you fuck another lying cheating rubbish human being, burble self-indulgently and have a big sadz cuz because Tragically Misunderstood.

    I promise though, if you put in the effort, you will eventually discover someone you truly do love and respect. Integrity will feel just great.

  • I had a spouse that basically ignored me for the last 2 years but I did not cheat for affection, sex or intimacy.

    How about being honest with your spouse? Talk to them if you sincerely want to keep your marriage, or at least learn if it’s time to part ways. But do it with integrity and respect.

    Now that you’ve “found yourself”, get out the marriage. Your wife deserves better than a cheat who treats with disrespect and dishonesty.

  • This is so my ex. “I don’t know what I want” really, you knew to go fuck around with the real estate lady you hired. “We have such a great connection” yeah is called fucking. So glad my poor ex hubby found himself.

    I found myself and loving life without him.

  • “This is a sad sausage way of saying “I lie to people.””

    And this is it, in a nutshell–the way cheaters are able to justify their dishonest behavior to themselves and others. As Martha Stout explained, the best way for sociopaths to get people to do what the sociopath wants (including thinking of them as a good person) is pity. They weep and wail about how they were unhappy in their marriages; they were “lost” but now are found; the AP ‘targeted’ them during a weak moment; they were simply pouring out their heart to the co-worker/stripper/neighbor/sister-in-law and before they knew it, one was balls-deep in the other.

    Blah blah blah. Except that it is effective, both in convincing too many chumps to give their cheaters a second (third/fourth/fifth) chance, and in convincing friends & family members that there were Reasons For The Affair that had to do with the insufficient spouse.

    • Martha Stout has very good insight into Sociopaths. Reading her book, “The Sociopath Next Door” was enlightening.

      Here are two quotes from her book on pity:

      “After listening for almost twenty-five years to the stories my patients tell me about sociopaths who have invaded and injured their lives, when I am asked, “How can I tell whom not to trust?” the answer I give usually surprises people. The natural expectation is that I will describe some sinister-sounding detail of behavior or snippet of body language or threatening use of language that is the subtle giveaway. Instead, I take people aback by assuring them that the tip-off is none of these things, for none of these things is reliably present. Rather, the best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”
      ― Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door

      9. Question your tendency to pity too easily.
      Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response, and it should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath,

      • Thank you for posting this about pity. I was obsessed with feeling sorry for my not yet ex husband this morning, because we talked about a formal disclosure yesterday. Does anyone have experience with “sexual addiction” & the disclosure process?

        He doesn’t want to do a formal disclosure because he says it will not give me any new information, & will only give me more details to be angry about.

        Today I felt so sad picturing this situation. If he tells me the amount of outside-the-marriage sexual activity, I probably will vomit & head to an attorney tomorrow. My pity ramped up when I thought about how he has spent the last 2 years in IC with a sex addiction therapist. Would that all be for nothing? The truth is, I don’t know what he’s been “working on” or whether it’s working. I do know I still have big issues with him due to irresponsibility, lack of communication, and his lack of interest in me.

        My conclusion: he’s interested in remaining married for the cake he gets. He’d play the pity card big time “poor me, I’m an addict, I tried so many times to stop. Poor me, I’m in IC & working hard at it, but you wanted to know details, now you want a divorce. “

        My sorrow is real – he is my husband & we raised our kids together, I’ve known him over 30 years. The kids have drawn away from him & he has no friends although people like to be around him at parties or bowling because he can talk sports & can spout off funny one liners. I think feeling sad makes me NOT a sociopath. My choices are to let him take the consequences of his fucking around, OR stay in a marriage to a coward who plays the pity card.

        • Ugh, Limbo. Staying with him will be HELL. No doubt about it. He’s been in therapy for two years for a ‘sex addiction?’ I call this disordered character. He can play his addiction and throw it in your face any time he wants as long as you stay with him. Let someone else try and fix him. Go get yourself a Cheater Free Life. It’s hard at first but I guarantee it is finite and there is an end to this hurt and mindfuckery.

        • I have to agree with Chumptopia on this one. Your future with him sounds like an uphill battle in Hell.

          I too feel bad for my Cheater, but that’s because I’m a kind person. It doesn’t mean I have to stay with him and spend my life on the fool’s errand of “helping” him. I’ve already done that our entire relationship. It didn’t work and I just got shit on.

        • LimboChump–Is this how you want to live? Leaving aside whether “sex addiction” is a real thing or not, the likelihood of “curing” such behaviors is close to zero.

          If you can convince him to separate by moving into a temporary apartment (my X used Airbnb) so that you have “time to think” without any contact with him, you’ll be relieved at how much better you feel without cheater mindfuckery. It will give you the resolve to do what you need to do. Hugs.

        • Limbo Chump–get out before you get a disease or worse. I’ve been married 33 years, to a person who has cheated our whole marriage. Minimal contact for two years. It was hard but now I am having fun doing what I want. I don’t have that shadow of crap hanging over me. Stop feeling sorry for him. He’s fucked up and you have given him enough of your time. he’s had his chance. Now it’s yours.

      • I remember the X telling me about his ex-wife. He was pissed because, according him, she was lazy, she didn’t take care of their new-born-toddler daughter, he worked and she refused to, she had in thrown in jail for non-payment of child support (he was in arrears, dumb ass), and she let herself go.

        He made her sound like the bitch of all bitches. Later in our marriage after finding out that she suffered from depression, I asked him if he thought she was depressed or had post-partum depression. He always blew it off as she was just lazy.

        I think he cheated, I know he was drinking alot (in his early 20s then), and I’m sure he treated her like shit. To day some 24 years later, he still brings up that she got pregnant (twice) without discussing it with him first. The second one was a booty call after they filed for divorce.

        Yep, he loved the pity and he like to paint a pict

  • These assholes aren’t truly themselves with anyone because they have.no.core.self.
    They are voids. The ap just fills that void for about 5 seconds.
    They have absolutely zero to give.

    • Absolutely Leavealyingloser! They have no self. They are voids/bottomless pits. Isn’t there some sort of farm or leopard colony we can send them to? Somewhere were they cannot harm anyone but fellow narcs.

  • Oh yeah, I heard a version of “I could share who I truely am”. Hmmm maybe because there can’t be much expectation or accountability coming from a 21 year old stripper. I’m pretty sure the fact that stbx was entertaining a 21 year old stripper was self explanatory in revealing who he was. It wasn’t some self-discovery “revelation” because the stripper helped him find his scummy self. She was just okay with scummy, because … standards!

    euphemistic labels: read “self-discovery” … it makes betrayal seem more palatable.

    false attribution of blame through feigning victim: I COULDN’T share who I was, because my spouse wouldn’t give me the opportunity. Between my daytime copy room sex, and late night bathroom sexting my schedule was pretty full, and my spouse didn’t make time for me, me, me! Poor, poor me! When my spouse did make time for me I was planning my next Rendezvous in my head. My spouse is pretty boring and couldn’t keep my attention. Got Ridellan? No? Affairs, they’re the generic drug for your attention span!

    palliative comparisons: I could truly share who I was with the person I was screwing. We shared a dirty little secret and it was amazing. It had nothing whatsoever to do with not wanting to get caught, it was all about our twu love connection. I see now I just needed to love myself by triangulating my affair partner into the danger of hurting our spouses! God having an alliance in betrayal is endorphin inducing! It must be love!

    Pathetic reasoning doesn’t make the cheater a victim… it just reveals they’re pathetic!

  • Just look at the entitlement implicit in this cheater’s story about himself. He’s never been honest with anyone about himself, about his past, and “aspects of his personality”. The things he covered up were so important that they’d have caused others, including even his own parents, to think less of him as a person. Yet he’s simply entitled to take another person’s life and infect it with, him. Entitled to hide key truths and falsify who it is they are giving themselves to, who it is they are investing everything of meaning into. It doesn’t even come close to dawning on him that his wife has, and has always had, rights. To him she is simply a side character. The entire story is told as though he and his experiences of himself are the only things that matter. That much is just simply a given. The sonofabitch even makes it sound as though he’s noble – he just can’t leave his wife without giving her “a chance to understand the real me”. What a giver. Just an amazing level of obtuseness. And the irony is he thinks he has grown so much in terms of seeing and understanding himself.

    • My life with cheater. Entitled to keep secrets so he can blame his bad behavior on not being able to be himself. You have to have a “self” to begin with. I can’t express enough (without violence) how much this passive aggressive poor me shit chaps my hide. The LVM wasted my time. Someone punch him it the head for me.

  • Classic narc. So it made more sense to craft a letter to a total stranger, than to sit down and speak with his wife.
    Part of being an adult is “finding yourself”, on your own time-not at the expense of the emotional health of other loved ones.
    Ps: “going to therapy”- as if that was some huge concession. Again, narc alert-sound the alarm!

    • Mine had therapy. Not counselling like I’m having, but PROPER therapy where you look deep inside yourself and find out things you may not like. Wonder who put you up to that? ‘A friend?’ Oh a friend? What friend might that be then. Did he tell me he was going to therapy? Oh no, if I knew him I would know that he is as private person who would want to do these things without necessarily telling me. Oh, but you told ‘the friend. Can I have 1 guess who that ‘friend’ might have been.

      Can’t make it up.

  • This is timely one today. Just got off the phone from Mother in Law (who is lovely) and my X was on the ‘phone to her at the weekend now saying how many brilliant things from our relationship there were and how he misses it so much and how he wishes communication was better between us. (I LOVE GREY ROCK) and how him leaving was nothing to do with the other woman (?!). He won’t even admit to her still the OW was a thing. Even his mum says why he can’t just admit it when that’s clearly what’s happened here. But he won’t. But he has a big sadz and clearly has been on a massive journey of self discovery which culminated in him leaving, nothing to do with the OW of course.

    Why don’t I want to be his best mate?

    This: ‘I haven’t taken you out or 2 years because going out with you was a horrible experience, even our 10 year anniversary’.
    ‘Do you think you need therapy, you should take a good hard look at yourself?’
    ‘One day you still start to face up to the ways in which this is not working’
    ‘That’s what people do in shit relationships – they have affairs’.
    ‘I need someone that nourishes my soul’

    Friends? Retain all the good of our relationship? I think not. Sorry I can’t help square things for you and work on your Image Management programme.

    Go and pull that crap on her, she’s worth it.
    Goodbye.

    • Mine had the nerve to ask me “have you done any self reflection at all?” thereby making it clear to me that he hadn’t done any. If he had he wouldn’t even have asked me that question.

      • Ugh, I am SEETHING for you Chumpinrecovery. Honestly the flaming cheek. Mine’s had full on therapy apparently, seems that was worth the money!

        I hate that insidious blame-shifting on to you. To me it’s darker than the act of betrayal itself. It is disgraceful and in my mind, the part that is unforgivable.

        Honestly where do they get off.

  • Give me a fucking break! This one tops the charts of dickheadness. Poor guy can’t love himself. Boo hoo.

    Ya know I don’t and will never understand why cheaters do what they do. Deep down I never want to fully understand cause my mind and actions will never go there.

    AHHHHHHH. Can’t we ship them all to their own continent!

  • FUBR ……… (Fucked Up Beyond Repair)

    They all think (or don’t) the same way. And that is why I “left a cheater and gained a life”

  • One morally bankrupt person confessing to another morally bankrupt person. No wonder he feels like he could bear his soul to his AP. I do think this guy is somewhat self-aware in the sense that he knows parts of him are not “normal” compared to honest folks. Therapy, for him, is finding another willing person to listen to his “soul” confess his narcissistic ways and give him a reason for why he behaves like a shitty person. IMO when a cheater enters therapy post cheating it is nothing than image management for the cheater — ” I got caught being a selfish entitled dick and now my reputation is tarnished….people in the community and future women I want to fuck now know why my wife left me, I better get into therapy so I look like I’m trying to improve myself.” This last sentence is exactly my ex. And women fall for it, he has a bunch lined up….”oh, you weren’t happy in your relationship, so you cheated and now you are seeking help to be a better person? That’s awfully big of you. Good for you! Yes, I will have dinner with you. I want to help you. You are on the road to recovery and you will never do this to me.”

  • They really are all the same. My cheating XH got ‘bored’ with our life so decided to fuck the door knob at work. Like I didn’t get bored sometimes too…isn’t that life? The difference between us is that I didn’t cheat. They’ve been together for 10 years and the only reason for that is he has gotten long in the tooth and can’t get away with cheating like he used to. I hope he gets bored to death by her now. (I’m still the beneficiary on all of his life insurance policies) Lol

  • My cheating STBX also got “bored.” Is this all there is, he asks?
    He decided the fix for his boredom was to screw our 23 year old nanny and
    initiate a sudden divorce.

  • I remember the X telling me about his ex-wife. He was pissed because, according him, she was lazy, she didn’t take care of their new-born-toddler daughter, he worked and she refused to, she had in thrown in jail for non-payment of child support (he was in arrears, dumb ass), and she let herself go.

    He made her sound like the bitch of all bitches. Later in our marriage after finding out that she suffered from depression, I asked him if he thought she was depressed or had post-partum depression. He always blew it off as she was just lazy.

    I think he cheated, I know he was drinking alot (in his early 20s then), and I’m sure he treated her like shit. To day some 24 years later, he still brings up that she got pregnant (twice) without discussing it with him first. The second one was a booty call after they filed for divorce.

    Yep, he loved the pity and he like to paint a picture that filled with lies and just a bit of truth.

  • So glad

    “I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my marriage without giving my wife a chance to understand the real me”

    got completely eviscerated by the Boston Globe readers in the comments. Hope he read them.

  • I also entered self discovery two years ago….
    – I discovered that I’m worthy to be loved, cared for
    – I discovered that no matter what, I can’t escape my own self, so it’s time to befriend myself
    – I discovered that I’m one of -not -so -many people ( except for most of the chumps) that see integrity and values as a positive not a foolishness
    – I discovered that my pick me dancing was destroying me completely in/ out
    – I discovered that it’s time To use my intelligence, talent and character
    I discovered that I’m calmer, funnier, more relaxed around my kids, when not tangled in constant mind fuckery…

    And many many more

    That is self discovery!!! Improving my life, life of my children, my career …..

    Somehow, hurting people, destroying my family and endangering life of loved one IS NOT on the list of “ side effects” of BIG DISCOVERY…

    🤮

    • Elsa, Amen!!! When i discovered how cruel and heartless he was i discovered myself again. These monsters discover nothing. We do!

      • He was destroying me. I remind myself of that fact everyday. Not because i want to dwell in the pain but because it is the truth. I always knew something was so wrong.
        But when i saw how horrible he was i knew i was right. Everything i knew even on a subconscious level was right in front of me.
        This person had been trying to destroy me from day one. There is no denying it any longer.
        It still is like a nightmare at times. I still can not believe it.
        But its true. And that is the only thing that matters. That and staying the hell away from him.

  • Love this Elsa!

    My first thought when I read the letter was a Fun Friday challenge about how we as chumps filled the VOID after ditching the cheater. You know, all those things we missed while they were fucking strange.

  • My shitbag started his affair with a woman at his job too. He left his entire family and hasn’t had hardly any contact with the kids since. I never knew anything was wrong actually! We got along great and I thought we had a great marriage! She was engaged (not sure the guy even knows about them he’s working in another country on a contract). This is the 3rd marriage she’s helped destroy but the betrayal is on my shitbag. This was a month ago and I didn’t find out until a week ago after getting an anonymous letter in my mailbox then getting his phone records. I started no contact yesterday. He’s toxic to me now. I told him to get his shit out of the house while I go on a week long cruise. LIFE BREAK FOR ME!!! I told him to file for the divorce immediately. Left it at that! The sooner I can break those legal ties the better. Unfortunately for him, he’s not going to be a happy camper in this divorce. Oh fucking well!!! Your bed, lay in it! I will be happy again, life goes on. I spent a month of my life mourning the death of someone still living. Im not wasting anymore time! Who am I??? I’m about to find out! I’ve been in hiding for almost 20 years and I’M surfacing again.

  • Hello Tracy,

    The below is NOT a joke or said in jest:

    I owe you $100 for not having to see a doctor, not paying for the migraine medication, or the gas money. I had a migraine a week long. Tylenol and Ibuprofen were not touching it (and migraine medication is often nasty stuff in terms of side effects). Most people don’t drive while they have migraines either (well because often their vision is blurred). So, I sat at home with reading glasses and surfed the net. I decided to read your recent updates. I read this post and I starting laughing. And I could not stop laughing for 20 minutes straight. Then, I noticed my migraine was gone. And it has not returned. Who says laughter is NOT the best medicine ever?

    Happy Belated Birthday too, you look 22 but have the wisdom of 52. I will send your ‘doctor’s bill’ that I owe you via Patreon.

    Blessings,

    Sarah

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