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Holiday Hoovering

???? It’s the most vulnerable time of the year! ????

Time for a public service announcement about holiday hoovering.

Has your ex gone all misty?

Does she need a Plan B/plus-one/last-minute babysitter?

Did Schmoopie stand him up for the office party and you’ll do?

Does someone need a payday loan?

Won’t you have him over to open presents with the kids and cook him breakfast and clean up afterwards, for old-time sake — or are you bitter?

Holiday hoovering! During this busy holiday seasons, toxic exes Need Things. Your time. Your understanding. Sex. Schedule changes. Friendship! That Christmas carol made him think of you (and you… and you… and you…) and gee, it’s cold out here. Couldn’t he come in? Warm himself up by the glow of your chumpiness?


Have boundaries. Be civil, be reasonable, but for the love of God, don’t break no contact or gray rock over the holidays. Don’t be sentimental — be different. Stronger, more resilient. Less inclined to let fuckwits take advantage of your good nature. Don’t pet sit for your ex. Don’t be the Backup Plan. Don’t follow their holiday parties on Instagram. You’re very, very busy with your new life, okay?

Your Friday Challenge is to tell CN what you’re doing instead of breaking no contact/gray rock between now and New Year’s. Netflix? Leftover pie? Writing postcards to veterans?

Stay strong!




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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Yes it will be a busy holiday season for me too! Taking DD6 & DD9 to my home country to have a big family Xmas as almost all my relatives live close by (and my mum does do very good over-the-top Xmas festivities).

    Also my kids will be meeting their cousins as my brother & family will be there (they live in another country). We fell out many years ago, which BiL reckons had a lot to do with cheating STBxW, but now things have been getting patched up over the past year and this Xmas we’ll all be together again (well apart from one certain person of course).

    Now the years have passed I really can’t quite remember why me & little bro stopped speaking but certainly now post D-Day whatever it was it’s trivial in comparison. It was the right thing to do as our parents are both around 80 now and dad isn’t in good health.

    STBxW? Well she was secretly trying to organise a lovers’ Xmas with long-distance OM in the sun; but looks like he’s already spent all the money she wired him on ‘other’ things (and not the first time). So looks like she’ll be on her own — ahhh Schadenfreude do I love thee

  • I really AM very busy this holiday season! I took a 4 week class in my Master’s program that runs from a week before Christmas right into January-Eeek! Between that and work, and the kids, Netfix and the Hallmark Christmas movies are my plan. It’ll be great!

  • I’m planning to retire! I wasn’t going to leave for another 2 years but I looked at the figures, decided I could live on a 2019 pension (despite losing a ton of money) and I handed my notice in. 4 more weeks to go (not that I’m counting). I won’t have a very big pension but I realize it will be enough. I’m still waiting for the Twat to ask if he can borrow money despite the fact that he earns double what I will be on and Schmoopie is also working. He always spent everything we had and then some so I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that any more and I can afford to retire! Yay me. Think I’ll send him a photo of me rolling over in bed the first time it snows in January and everyone else is digging their cars out of the snow!

    • Attie,
      Yea, I am so happy for you!
      On your retirement day, I want to hug you, cook you a lovely feast with a delicious cake for dessert, enough for all your loving CN friends, because we all salute our Attie!
      Way to go!
      YOU are so Mighty!
      ( and YES, I would bake that big of a cake- I am very experienced)! (Ha- sense of humour prevailing).
      Seriously, YOU rock girl!

      • I might just take you up on that cake Peacekeeper – I’ll start the diet the day after!

    • wonderful. The most precious, valuable thing anyone has, be they king or beggar, is time and health. To some extent money can buy you better health care, but as I’m certain Steve Jobs would be the first to attest, when the health goes, no money in the world matters!

      Thing is, if you’re retiring somewhat a bit earlier, you may, after a time, start a little side hustle and actually find yourself making more money, having more fun and working far fewer hours than ever you did before. I know many, many people who have done just this, with no idea that this would be the case. The free time + the energy and positive mental attitude just leads to success quite often, especially with no dead weight dragging you down, financially and emotionally!

      • I think you might be right Caroline. I left a good job in Geneva to move to the States with my ex. There I got a good job at the World Bank and had to move again so he could be near family. So that’s 2 good jobs I gave up for him. After I had my first child I wanted to stay home with him but had to bring money in and although it was slow to begin with I ended up having more work than I could handle. I don’t want that much work but I think it might be hard to go from being flat out to having nothing to do so I am quite open to having a side hustle. Time to put the old thinking cap on, although being in France the obvious fall back would be working for people who need work done in English. We’ll see.

        • you are clearly a person who has very marketable skills and is entirely capable of doing what needs doing. From now on, you do what YOU want to do, according to YOUR plans and goals.

  • That’s funny. I’m years out now but my ex used to always try to use Christmas as a way to reach out to me. “But it’s Christmas…the time of LOVE and CHRISTIANS…be like a Christian and FORGIVE”

    I’m sorry, is it Christian to betray someone else? Nope. You didn’t behave like a “Christian” so don’t throw that bullshit in my face.

    Anyway, it’s been years and he’s (finally) moved on and so I don’t have to endure these sorts of communiques anymore. But I still tense up when checking my email around the holidays.

    • I’m an atheist, but didn’t god say to Lot’s wife, “hey, you know that burning pile of shit and sin? Yeah. You gotta get the hell away from that. RUN, don’t walk, away.. And whatever you do, don’t look back on it. It’s bad for your health.” [I uh, may be paraphrasing here.]

      And you know what Lot’s wife did? She loved her city and her people so much, that she had to take one final look back at the city of Sodom.

      And she turned into a pillar of salt.

      Don’t be Lot’s wife.

      When there is a burning pile of shit and sin in your past, you DON’T LOOK BACK. It’s bad for your health.

        • Wow, it’s amazing that I came here feeling really down. I’m alone in another country (which I did so I could “reset” my brain and detox and STOP feeling shitty about the betrayals, and how the DOCTOR acts all happy with schmoopie and how he has rewritten the marital history to the point of utter distortion)….

          Still, I KNOW what I know. You remind me that

          indeed he had become a real bastard to me, selfish beyond all reason, deceitful and then ultimately quite cruel…just saw our youngest child for the first time in over 2 years and has not seen our older ones at all. No contact since they won’t buy into his narrative.

          I must NOT LOOK BACK because it’s not healthy for me. So the question is, where do I look?

          • Ahead in the future of course. Looking backwards and moving forward is never a good idea – you trip or loose your way too easily.

        • ^THAT^

          “Burning pile of shit, sin and abuse” YUP! DON’T look back – God knew.

          And I’m glad I kicked his cheating ass gone……. NC. GR. Forever be my gift to him. 🙂

  • Christmas is one day, we share custody, daughter got a new scooter, so I’ll walk, and she can scoot 2 miles, no public transport, they like him, but I don’t have too. He had a minor stroke, in Oct, 2 blood vessels ruptured on brain, apparently in MRI scan. He has pets, which the girls love, he did ask if he could come over I said no, his Swedish friends, being nice to him, next door neighbour who thinks he wonderful, apparently dads babysit their kids, no you cant babysit your own kids, forgot to mention they have a special relationship, fuck knows what that means!, she actually told someone they had a special relationship, no your both full of shit.

  • So I have a question that’s similar to but kind of opposite of this post: would I be crossing a line by sending some of my stbx inlaws christmas cards? Theyll only be inlaws, technically, for another 2 months or so before the waiting period ends and I am finally blessed with the divorce decree. I havent spoken to them since discovering her affair 3 months ago, but I feel compelled to send them a parting message. Also, who knows what bullshit she fed them in the aftermath of her destruction of our marriage, so a part of me feels like, hey, maybe I send a friendly note that very subtly, and almost “accidentally”, hints at what happened to us in between the sincere love that I want to convey.

    • If you send Xmas cards do it without the subtle parting message. Just keep it straight up Xmas wishes. And only if you really mean it. Otherwise no. You can’t control what she is saying about you. And weighing in subtly or otherwise only keeps you invested in the bullshit.
      Take care.

    • Send a holiday card. Nothing more. Don’t let her frame you as the “bitter angry ex” because you know that will “validate” whatever crud she’s been snowing them with.

    • I try to send my ex-in laws holiday messages with pictures of the kids (usually via text) and I gave them framed photos of their granddaughters last year for Xmas. I focus on the grandparent/grandchild dynamic more so than the former in-law thing.

    • If you sincerely love them, show them!! No reason why you can’t stay friends.

    • My sisters- and brother-in-law are still my close friends nearly two decades after I divorced their brother, my daughter’s bio dad. He ditched his families of origin and creation. Our bond is more genuine than theirs to him ever was.

    • My own personal experience with that is 3 months turned into 3 years and beyond. They are very elderly now and I wouldn’t waste my words hurting them. Although my x is F.U. with those crazy FOO issues so I decided to just let them all have each other. I was advised to take ALL of the family and friends that supported him OFF my plate. Best part of my in-laws is that they have been ministers forever. always reaching out to those in need. I used to admire them. *Not.My.Problem*

      Those in-laws already know you are a good person, you don’t need to prove anything to them. Save the stamp! WHY have they not contacted you in 3 months. That speaks volumes.

    • Do they contact you and ask about the kids, do they side with your ex, make excuses for your ex, do they see your kids. I think all that matters, does your ex pay child support if not why not. What are your exs parents really like.

  • This sincere love? Why, they haven’t contacted you in 3 months?

    I sent those holiday cards last year to the still stbx inlaw relatives. I won’t be doing it again. It isn’t sincere. I miss the relationship I thought I had with them too. I have one “set” of ex inlaws that I am in contact with but we see each other and talk regularly. We will celebrate a belated thanksgiving with them tomorrow. They have informed me that once fuckwit’s dad passes, they will have no contact with fuckwit or his other crazy relatives. I had a couple questionable times with these relatives in the beginning when they thought we could have a Switzerland relationship but when fuckwit stood them up for his cousin’s wedding, they saw that I was truly the loyal relative and apologized.

    If these relatives have not reached out to you, there is no need to send them cards. Family tends to side with family and if they are unicorns, they will reach out.

    • I’m still in touch with my SiL via Facebook and I love her to death. It was by far the hardest part of leaving XH to end those ties or see them become much thinner. But it wasn’t worth what I lived with every day.

    • I agree with Feelingit. Leave it alone.
      I, too, mourned the ending of the relationship I *Thought* I had with inlaws, but in truth, they were cons just like their son. They “loved me like a daughter” until I fired their son from my life, and they had to resume managing his life. And then I found out they used that line on all of their “daughter-in-laws”. So. Means nothing to them.

      Before I knew all of this about them, I sent them a final goodbye card and then waited and waited and waited for them to respond. They never did.

      A few months later, FILs mother died of Alzheimer’s (ex and I had visited her once in long term care) and I sent everyone in the family a condolence card. Not on person responded.

      If your inlaws haven’t reached out in 3 months, that’s your answer. So I would hesitate before putting yourself out there with them, and then anxiously awaiting their non-reply. They won’t reply. It sucks. I’m sorry.

  • I don’t have to worry about breaking contact over the Holidays. I’m one of the lucky ones who was just abandoned and ghosted and left with no reason as to why he doesn’t know me.

    But I also don’t have to deal with his bullshit either ~ always being the white elephant in the room, hiding in his office doing who knows what while the family enjoys being together on the Holidays.

    Good riddance and I hope you enjoy the life you have chosen, Ebenezer.

    • It’s weird how being abandoned turns out to be a blessing in the long run. Short term, it’s a nightmarish blow to your self esteem and crumbles you identity and that of your relationship and creeps you out that they could switch off so easily. Now? Good riddance.

      • I agree. I will almost certainly never see jackass’s face again. And thank God for that.

  • Hi, @Leftovers , I have a yellow light about sending your in-laws a card. It seems like it will leave you open to more hurt. If they’re good people, they will realize on their own what their daughter has done. They may reach out to you one day with their sympathy. In the mean time, decide if the risk of reaching out to them is worth it. It’s more important for you to take care of you right now than for them to know what really happened. It will all come out eventually.

    My Switzerland friends still look at me like I have lobsters crawling out of my ears when the topic of Creeperpants comes up and I divulge about his creepy double life. They just can’t fully believe how horrible he is ( he’ s SO sparkly), and I get hurt every time. When he destroys his next relationship, maybe they’ll believe me….? Hopefully by them I won’t care.

  • I am working today at my part-time job, but I took my annual Thanksgiving Gift Stash (snacks, drinks, etc.) to my local fire department on my way to work at 3:00 a.m. this morning.

    As always, it was appreciated with smiles and handshakes. Even got a few hugs.

    The best way to lift your spirits is to lift the spirits of others.

    BTW…..if I were a single, female chump….the Fire Department appears to be a Man Buffet.

    • Don’t. Firefighters and police officers are two of the biggest professions for cheaters. They gravitate towards jobs where their adrenaline junkie tendencies can be accommodated. The most recent ex was a cop. Unfortunately, I have way too much experience with the breed…

      • I’ve heard this, too. A close friend of mine was chumped by a firefighter and she said she found out that most of the guys he was working with were also cheating on their wives.

        • Oh no! This is too bad! A few years post divorce I was on dating sites and there so many firemen. I thought it be ‘fun’ to date a fireman. There were red flags right away. Wanting to do an overnight for the first date or not being able to talk on the phone unless they were at work. With a little investigation I figure out pretty quick both the firefighters I was texting were married. I sent their dating profiles to their wives via messenger ☹️.

          • Yup, badge bunnies! My idiot ex was a cop, and he left for an over adoring slut who he met on a call and it wasn’t the first time he cheated (with a dispatcher LOL) but it was the first time I told him to get the fuck out. Best thing I ever did, and yes most if not all of his cop buddies were cheaters!!

    • A man buffet is right, and the whole county gets a taste, and there is never a shortage for the lonely housewife of Calendar Cock. Before I started up with FireFucker, I thought my local house were great men, until they heard a fellow firefighter was caught cheating on and abusing me; the next time I spoke with them, it was silence and backs. Now, I know all firefighters are not that way, but it’s dangerous to give carte blanche to a certain professions I think there aren’t shit bags in there, especially with a profession that has a relationship failure rate in the 80 percentage, yikes!

      Since Dday I volunteer at schools and knit blankets for battered woman’s shelters. As a teacher, I was always appreciative of getting small gifts from the community, instead of parents yelling at us about how much we are screwing up their kids. Also, battered women shelters need so much help over the holidays. Some women leave with their children and nothing else. They always need soap, shampoo, toothbrush, etc. Speaking with some of those women and children, it makes one think how necessary it is for us victims to ban together!

    • I believe that every occupation has their share of cheaters.

      I had a rookie police officer and fireman save my life once and am truly grateful.

      • Kindness is never wasted. We can appreciate the work people do without knowing if they are cheaters or not.

        • Some of the people fighting fires in California were convicts. But they saved lives.

          • SUPERDUPERCHUMP, my heart leaped ,and my gut wretched , at your reference to “firefighters” . for decades i have been used and abused , by my psycho/narc “FIREMAN” , he had a 24/7 whorehouse , and every slut that needed sex was in and out of the firehouse with their fix . and 90% of his peers were just like him . INDEED “MAN BUFFET” and over the years ,of investigation , this goes on all over the US , thats not to say that some don’t do their job , they do . but they have 22 hours of the day to fill after they come back from the fire , once or twice a month ……..they may have a fire . hearing this i am repulsed and breathless ……and triggered ……

            • It triggered me too. It is a fact that police and firemen have the highest rate of infidelity. It isn’t opinion, it is fact. My exhole lest a career in engineering to become a firefighter. I knew they had a high rate of infidelity, but I thought my guy was a unicorn. Nope! He is a thrill seeker that can’t live without people telling him how wonderful he is (people besides me. I didn’t count). This job put him in a position to feel the admiration of nurses and then the admiration of the guys at his station for nailing the nurses.

              • Now I know this is anecdotal, but I know four police officers. No firefighters (a few volunteer ones). Every one of the police officers I know has cheated. There is a fifth man I know who was a police officer who then went on to become a lawyer – that man is a saint. Lost his wife to cancer when she gave birth to their second child (she had a c-section and when she was cut open there was cancer everywhere and she passed after a month). He remarried about four years later and they have four children together – a family of six kids, good people.

            • TRIGGER ….. OMG, firemen and policemen have so much opportunity and temptation and almost all FALL. My x was a sheriff and he cheated with skanks he met on calls, hooked up with others he met on the job, stopped after work to the pleasures of strip clubs. I won’t bore anyone with the details, YOU all get it! This job is what he hid behind as well as me for decades. Its very hard to look at these people with the respect I used to have for them.

              While we were divorcing he x bought a 5th wheel and moved away to another state. I immediately changed the locks and 3 weeks later he returned for court to find he was locked out. I expected this and called the COPS on him. I warned dispatch that we were divorcing, he had moved out and I was terrified of him 😉 added he probably had a firearm with him (he always carried) and he probably had been drinking as well.
              It was awesome to see 4 cars show up in 2 minutes and take him down in our driveway. Im still SMILING 😀

              Don’t get me wrong, I live in CA and Im grateful to the firemen and policemen who DO what they are supposed to do when there is a crisis.

              Its all about entitlement for them. Narcopaths —- move on!

    • My Dad was a Texas State Trooper who was the finest husband and police officer ever.

      My oldest sister’s husband is a Fire Department Captain who not only is an outstanding fireman….but a devoted husband, father, and new grandfather as well.

      My ex is a teacher who cheated with a minister.

      Apparently, all teachers and ministers are cheaters.

  • I’m well past letting the x Hoover me but the first Christmas story( aka Olive Man) can help other newly minted chumps. The x left around mid November when he finally convinced Schmoopie to let him move in( hey he couldn’t possibly rent his own place—the woman is supposed to provide the house right?). Anyhoo, he announced shortly before Christmas that he would be coming “home” for Christmas Day which I allowed because I figured the kids would want it( they were 26 and 23 at the time). We’ll proceed with Kibblemas. He had a great time ruining our Christmas—hoovering me by trying to hold me hand trying to put his arms around me “helping” with dinner… I ended up in tears on the sofa. It was cruel and nasty. I shut it all down. He gave his son expensive bedding( he hadn’t managed to hoover his son, was working on it). Daughter called him on his bullshit prior to that, telling him she didn’t like his abusive behaviour toward me/-so she got—a jar of olives( by the way she hates olives). Yup that was her “punishment”. By the end of dinner he walked out, sending me a text saying he knows when he’s not welcome., no kidding asshole. I apologized to my kids for allowing him to ruin our Christmas. The disordered care so little about us they will do this Every. Damn. Time. Please don’t do it.. best to go no contact and keep it that way holidays or not.. this is a Chump Nation Service Announcement.. this year I spend my Christmas in my new home with my kids and maybe my sister. A small but mighty family…

    • Kibblemas!! I love it!

      Yes, my ex always ruined every holiday when we were married. Why in hell would I talk/engage with him now??

      He insisted on Facetiming my kids after Thanksgiving dinner last night (I swear, the only reason he FT’s them is to be disruptive to me) and he proceeded to grill my older son on every morsel that was cooked & eaten for Thanksgiving. Not sure what that’s about, but as I get further & further away from my marriage & my divorce from him, I get more & more thankful (particularly around the holidays), that he’s gone.

  • My ex sent me a d— pic. However he also said “Happy Thanksgiving” in the message body that accompanied the picture. I’m swooning from the romance (sarcasm).

    God what a douchebag, what did I ever see in him??

    • Thanks for sharing this. That is a perfect example of how disordered these people can be. I don’t know whether to laugh or vomit. So glad you are not with this person anymore and hope your life is now a million times better.

      • I vote for vomit, Chumpful. That was my first reaction to reading this. Poor Phillygirl! Thank your lucky stars you got free.

      • UGH! Our high schools have a football rivalry on turkey day and I got a text at 7:20 am reading “Go (insert team name here) with a smiley face and I thought that was bad.

  • There won’t be any hoovering from Dickhead. We are done with each other.

    For me, I have one more class, a test and then I will become a Master Gardener. I still have volunteer hours to complete to be a certified. It will be easy enough over the next year.

    I have a couple of holidays parties and will be spending time with my cousin and my mom’s side of the family. Nothing too exhausting or anxiety-ridden.

    My other goal is to work on me. Really look at what I need and want to have a life that makes me happy. To find the joy again. I miss that person and would love to have her back in my heart.

    • Your posts really resonate with me, Miss Bailey. It’s wonderful that you’re so close to completing your certification! I find it very therapeutic to be in nature and working in the soil. Thank you sharing your story.

      • I’m so happy to have a community where we help each other. I really don’t know how I would have gotten through the last 6 months without CL and CN. I’ve learned so much.

        Being outside is therapy for me. Walking the dog, gardening, birding or just sitting outside and listening to the sounds of nature and people. My previous, with Dickhead, had a large wrap-round porch shaded by large sycamores I had lots of bird feeders and would on the porch in my rocking chair with the dog roaming the yard. I absolutely loved it but I couldn’t the mortgage on my own. It’s stuff like this that makes me so mad at him for being such a selfish, vile, pathetic man.

        • Congratulations to you. Fall in love with yourself and life. What a wonderful aspiration.

  • My daughter and I had a lovely day yesterday. We watched music related movies like La Bamba and Purple rain, made Swedish Meatballs threw it together in the crockpot and went for a 2 hour walk and cane back to a wonderful meal that turned out better than I expected. Today is chores and groceries for Saturday we are driving 3 hours to a concert that we’ve had tickets for since August. Sunday we will recover from our busy Saturday. Our tree is up and looks beautiful, I am looking forward to having as nice of a Christmas as we’ve had for thanksgiving. This is our first fuckwit free holiday season. So far so good!

    • ……..Prince on thanksgiving has to be the best tradition ever. After dinner you can go for a swim and burn off the calories in Lake Minnetonka!

    • I love this! Same here. No more griping about Christmas music being played (I love it! So festive) or complaining about all the gifts we have to buy (we GET to but cause we’re blessed with such a big family) or rolling eyes and moping about attending family Xmas celebrations. Daughter and I get to listen and shop and wrap and bake and stay as long as we want at family celebrations. It feels fantastic.

      Last year was my first holiday season as a single parent. I thought it would be tough but like many people on here, I realized I’d done most of it on my own anyway

  • I’m so grateful for my adult children, my son- and daughter-in-law, and my grandchildren. Not having to see or talk to a grouchy, scowling, self-centered manchild is reward enough for the holidays. Oh, and watching him text during family time, and having to go “check on things” at work. Nope, don’t miss it at all.

    Yesterday I enjoyed my first community Thanksgiving ever. I was very pleasantly surprised at how good it was, from the food to the volunteers and the new people I met. I traveled out of state for Thanksgiving last year, and just couldn’t do it again this year. I’m glad I took the chance, as it made me appreciate my community so much more. Afterward, I enjoyed a lovely walk by the river and watching bald eagles soaring overhead.

    I plan on housesitting in a warm and sunny locale for Christmas. I no longer care what he or anyone else does.

      • I guess the answer is complicated. It was held in a church building, by a spin off group with a weird name, but aimed toward serving the whole town. There were certainly people of all walks of life and beliefs there. The food was delicious and all the proceeds from the donations went to a local food shelf.

  • Yeah – this is a tough time of year for me. Third holiday season without Mme and her drama.

    I do still get the itch to break no-contact. “It would be the decent thing to offer to ship parcels together and save money” is this year’s itch.

    I’ve been fortunate that there has been essentially no hoovering. I do worry about it and work hard on remembering both the horrors of after her affair and what a horrible person she was and also the not great person that I was fine living with before.

    It’s tough.

    • Keep on keeping on Bowtie. Just remember those good memories or desire for what was atecam illusion with these people. I understand how tough it is. I wanted my intact family back—but really I still have it because he was completely absent even when he was physically there. My kids and I and my sister will have a peaceful quiet Christmas.

  • The day before Thanksgiving, I filed my Answer and Counterclaims to Porn Star’s complaint for divorce citing infidelity and cruel and abusive treatment the day before Thanksgiving!

    It’ll make a year since D-day 12/19th. He moved out late February. June 3rd I had a police detail at the house while he moved his stuff out. That caused a narcissistic injury. He went on a silent rampage after that – – I kept trying to have him finalize a separation agreement for a joint petition for divorce – he kept stonewalling.

    Come late October, I find out that he filed a complaint for divorce late August and didn’t tell me. He also didn’t serve me the summons for two months. I signed for it November 6th at my new attorney’s office.

    Not only did he piss me off by filing a complaint for divorce vs a simple joint petition to keep the cost down, especially since I make 1/3 of what he makes, but he also neglected to include alimony in his complaint and he checked off the box for a restraining order against ME!

    So he continues his abuse. All of it was very unnecessary. However, because of all his stonewalling, I found bank records in the house that show he dissipated marital assets and engaged in elder financial abuse as the POA for a joint bank account with his father. But it was all his father’s money in there. But he was moving around money between our accounts and his father’s joint account. So we have that as leverage.

    Soooo, my attorney sent his attorney a cover letter with copies of our Answer/Counterclaims explaining that because the divorce couldn’t be settled amicably between him and I, I am preserving my right to sue for infidelity and cruel and abusive treatment if we can’t quickly resolve this. She cited how neither of us could afford to litigate, said she would be seeking for him to pay all legal fees at this point, relief for non-general terms alimony!, reimbursement for dissipation of marital assets because of his extra-marital relationships (I counted almost $300,000 in cash withdrawals for a period of 10 years out of a 30 year marriage/relationship), and she expressed our (anger) that he filed a restraining order (to make me look bad to the courts) – that I was the one that should’ve had the restraining order and so we filed an extensive one!

    Basically, who the fuck was he to make this complicated. I’m the victim here. He shot himself in the foot.

    No, I’m not just taking his puddly offer and running away.

    • And that is a real consequence for him. His loss in court will follow him indefinitely–wages garnered, inheritance taken, liens against any property he owns or will own, etc. He has no idea.

      You were trying to negotiate, which is a good idea in many circumstances, but not with these types. I tried to and after a year went full lawyer. As my attorney says “it’s more productive to argue with a 3 year old in court then negotiate with one.” Yep.

      My ex is less aggressive as yours but very arrogant. Even after my attorney sent him a similar letter–that we’re coming for what my client is entitled to and fees and sanctions unless you cooperate–and even after she laid out the law and facts quite clearly for him, and even after our mediator told him the law, and even after I spent a year telling him the law, he still refuses to cooperate. He still contends he has a solid argument to make in front of a judge, by himself, without an attorney. In the end, this will cost him so much more money, when all he had to do was give me my half of our stuff. It’s amazing to me how deep in denial these narc types can be, blinded by their own sparkle.

      And because I am a chump I am riddled with guilt over the whole thing–still moving forward, but feeling terrible about it. Still feeling bad for him. And that’s how deep in denial I am.

  • Hoovering……back in October, I mentioned to a friend that I bet that a man I had briefly dated a few years ago and had invited to Thanksgiving dinner was still thinking about that delicious meal. I served several dishes he had never had and was enraptured. I said ‘wouldn’t it be amusing if he contacted me and tried to weasel another invitation?’

    Low and behold a few weeks later, he contacted me out of the blue. I agreed to meet him for a drink and catch up. He told me about the women he’d dated–and both of the long termers had obviously abruptly stopped seeing him for the same reasons I had….though he’s a very nice and thoughtful man BUT he’s needy and tries to make a ‘barely know each other’ into “we’re a couple!” within weeks for one thing. Anyway, he indeed brought up the amazing Thanksgiving meal–it was so obvious he was hoping for a 2017 invitation.

    It went right over my head 🙂

  • What am I doing for the holidays?

    This thanksgiving, I bought my first car (with cash)and then attended an out-of-state celebration with my mom, dad, brother, sister, nieces, and uncle.

    This Christmas, I will be applying to colleges. And driving down to New York with my boyfriend to meet his family.

    The divorce was final over a year ago.


  • It was 10 degrees at my son’s last football game yesterday. As I was cozy warm in three layers of down, surrounded by my other two sons and their friends, I realized how happy I was to be at the annual Thanksgiving game, watching my senior play ball, loving that my oldest was in recovery and healthy, and my middle son was home from college. Then, chumpy me had a pang of pity for my X who was shivering in the cold alone and left at the half when not one of his sons wanted to go over and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. I told them I was fine with it if they wanted to go say hi, and they declined, saying, “We want today to be fun.”

    When my oldest (the one with the biggest, chumpy heart) later texted him to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, his father replied with a curt, “Why?”

    And then all the pity I felt vanished. And the home team won, big.

  • I work in education, so I am off over the holidays. I will be stay-at-home mom with the kids most of those days, unless STBXH takes some days off of work to spend with them.

    It will be wonderfully boring and productive: give the house a really good clean, organize the digital photos for the year, possibly paint my family room, read a book, organize my office.

    Lots of family and friend gatherings.

    And, play with the kids’ new toys!!!

  • I’m way past ever speaking to Jackass again. He’s newly married for the Nth time. I’m sure the devaluation is commencing as we speak but he’s probably not making the money he used to. Funny how that happens when you are pushing 60 and have left every job ever under a cloud. But he could show up naked and hungry at the door and I would do what Jesus would do: let him stand there on the stoop, hand him some old sweat pants, a sweatshirt and $5 to spend on the dollar menu at McDonalds, and tell him “Never come back.”

    I’ve been on a rant here, lately. Work hard to live in the present. Happiness is not behind you or off in the unknowable future. It’s to be found in the present, even if it’s just a moment of appreciating sunshine or a snuggle with your pet or a kind word from a stranger. It’s gratitude for what you have. It’s faith in your own ability to build your own life. You have agency. You don’t need the presence or approval of an abuser. You don’t have to “please” a cheater about anything.

    • LAJ, it seems that you and I are of the same mindset. I agree with you in the need to live in the here and now. It took me a while to get past my years of (justified) anger and suspicion, then the couple of years of constantly sobbing, then the on-edge deep mistrust of everyone’s motives, and now I either am just too old and too tired to react anymore, or else I have finally achieved meh.

      My life is of my own choosing, and to me, that means that I can choose my own actions, interactions, and path in life.

      Kind of long-winded explanation coming up: This realization became solid recently when I was trying to organize a group cash gift for my 90yo father, who is rapidly depleting his life savings and is terrified. I’m the sibling who is unemployed and impoverished (financially speaking), and I suggested to my five siblings that this year we all decline Dad’s substantial cash gift to us and instead take care of him. Turns out that my very, very financially well-off siblings are also apparently very, very self-centered cheapskates, because although they begrudgingly agreed to forgo receiving money from him, they also balked at contributing to his most recent emergency expenses of over $10k (home repairs, hearing aids, etc.). I started the philanthropic ball rolling by saying that I could contribute $250 and firmly expected that the millionaires among the family would outdo me in generosity.

      HAH! Half of them outright declined to participate, and the richest among us said she caps her holiday gifts at $100. To explain my slow realization that these siblings were no longer really “family” but rather “people I happened to grow up with”: Fifteen years ago, the wealthiest sister and her husband were given $1 million by her in-laws to build a new house, which she then sold to move in to the $2.5 million house she inherited in Santa Barbara (only one part of a substantial inheritance). However, because that house was “too dated” (built in the late 1970s), they rented a nearby home for the whole year it took to have the inherited house taken down to the studs and rebuilt from the wiring/plumbing back up. They now spend the bulk of their time golfing at the club and traveling to elite golfing tournaments as spectators. When I realized both how much good in the world they could accomplish by donating just one weekend’s worth of self-indulgence and also how she declined to help out her own father, something in me snapped. I know I have reached meh with my family because I have no anger at them, no wonderment at their behavior, but merely acknowledgement of their presence on the earth.

      • Wow. That’s a pretty clear example of how not to live. But the Karma bus comes for them, too, eventually. it’s a very self-indulgent lifestyle but the price for the million for homes and high end HGTV-ing is that they don’t see how empty their lives are. What a waste. Students sometimes ask me why I don’t have this or that or do this or that. I tell them I’m not spending what’s left of my life paying for a lot of crap that will be out of style in 5 years. It’s waste on a scale that is appalling, to throw out things because of some arbitrary fashion. This house has–egad–knotty pine paneling on one wall in the main room. The house is old. It’s actual wood. The tut-tutting over that on House Hunters would be quite something. But I like old stuff, stuff with history. Stuff I made or someone else did. They won’t ever know the joy of making a home beautiful out of what’s at hand.

        • Your knotty pine paneling has me reminiscing over the paneling in my grandmother’s house and in the first rental that Dickhead and I lived in. That house had a small family room with pine paneling on all 4 walls and even on the ceiling. I always like the warmth those wall imparted.

  • This is my first holiday without my STBX. It was really sad. I was reading my sweet four year old nephew a Frog and Toad book and I was reminded how I used to joke that my STBX was toad because he’s super dependent and foolish and I was frog because I’m responsible and caring. Anyway, I was just thinking it and then my nephew looked up at me and said “Aunty maybe you can be frog and I can be toad and we can go on adventures together” and it brought the moment back to perspective. Yes, little 4 year old nephew, you MAY be dependent and foolish like toad because you are 4! That is exactly how 4 year olds are supposed to be, not 28 year old man children.

    Still, it’s hard to not have him around. I was a great wife and at holidays he knew he couldn’t gaslight or insult me because others were watching so it made for some of the better times. I’m just really sad he made the choices he made.

    • Ask yourself whether it is hard not to have HIM around or just hard to be without a partner. I’m not sure why anyone would miss dependency, foolishness, gaslighting and insults.

    • Ok, super sweet nephew!! I used to love the holidays for the same reason, that my ex would behave better with family around. That changed after my dad died. Huge red flags, sigh.

  • The exes were blocked years ago, so I don’t have to worry about remaining no contact. This year, I have tried to stay as busy as possible. I signed up for tickets to a classical concert series, season tickets to the ballet, and am trying to pack in as many holiday parties through the groups I belong to on meetup. Also, am trying to get more involved with the alumni group from my college. As for Colorado Chump Nation, we are trying to do another ornament party this holiday season. And we will have our usual alternative Christmas celebration, so that we can all be together in solidarity so that we can avoid the dysfunctional exes. I am so grateful we have such a wonderful group here in Colorado. I am actually looking forward to Valentine’s Day, for the first time in decades. Because I know I will spend it with some of the best people in this entire time zone. #ColoradoChumpNation ROCKS! <3

  • This was my second thanksgiving without dickhead. In 4 days it will be my one year anniversary of the divorce. In this year I divorced, lost my dog from old age, retired and moved to a fabulous new condo. My sons were here with grandkids, then friends and then met future sons in-laws. Dickheads name was mentioned once. I wish I could say I didn’t think of him-I did. What I did notice is the lack of negative energy he brought to the occasion. And NO football blaring on the tv! It is a new reality. With so many changes, I am a different person. I like where I am and looking to grow to love who I am. Working on letting the negative anger, judgement and crappy feelings go. This is hard to do. Spending time trying to understand what forgiveness means. Right now I am focused in the selfish piece of that which is letting anger and resentment go so I can be emotionally free. Next I guess is being charitable to dickhead -that may never come. I will be satisfied for now with civil. I am hosting Christmas and thrilled to be doing so. Will have 10 ish people for dinner in my little condo which will be a cozy plates on laps event and I don’t want it any other way! The eve before my son is proposing so we have much to celebrate as a family. I leave it to my sons to decide how to incorporate dickhead-not my problem. Hugs to all. Last year the Monday after thanksgiving I went to court for divorce. I stayed home alone begging off “being sick”. Couldn’t face everyone and didn’t want to ruin everyone’s day with my sadness. It does get better our new club members-not a club any of us wanted to be part of. So glad CL and CN are here to keep it real. I am thankful for CL and CN for making me feel sane and supported. The challenge for me is wondering if I am being unfair in my stealth for complete detachment. You encourage that. When I am weak, I come here and feel supported. When I am sad, I come here and get a perspective adjustment. When I am lonely, I come here and feel accepted. Cheers my dears. Together we will find a happier tomorrow. ❤️❤️❤️????????????????

    • What a wonderful post. And what a lovely life you are making. I loved how your story shows that you can have a sad Thanksgiving because of what’s happening in your life but rebound by gaining a new life.

  • My cheaterpants XH started his affair with skank woman howorker around Christmas according to emails I read between them. They were definitely playing footsies. I met her at the Christmas office party for the first time when she stalked us around the room and when cheater introduced us she shook my hand and told me how NICE it was to meet me. What a pig. I don’t know why she just couldn’t say ‘Hey, I’m trying my hardest to fuck your husband, Chump!’ As I’ve always said, they are a match made in hell. He’s the kind of guy who will cheat on his wife and she’s the kind of slutface that will fuck someone else’s husband. Must be fun being them.

  • First Thanksgiving after dday: brought food to idiot at midday and again in the evening. Because, sniffle, he had Big Sadz.

    This year, three years later, a very nice Thanksgiving with kids and crew, and the only mentions of idiot came during toasts (to me for having managed to divorce that creep without getting trounced) and discussion of things we are thankful for (mom got free of creep, and he is forever not here).

    This is a message to those just beginning this journey. This blazing pain serves its purpose–to burn that poison right on out of your soul–and then it gradually subsides. You will be better than okay. No kidding.

  • Finishing my PhD, lots of parties and weekend trips with my daughter, lots of family plans and NYE with a huge glass of champers and a film. Already booking my daughter’s first ski trip for the Spring. Yay!

  • I lost my twin brother Christmas Day last year. D-day was June this year and I filed for divorce in August. My son ((step son to Cheater) has decided that he can’t cope with me over Christmas after all (there was me thinking my 67 year old self was coping rather well, considering). Oh well. One more shit sandwich to be savoured. I will be spending the day with good, understanding friends and their children and grandchildren. They have said that I can just retire to the tv room if and when I’m upset (more for my brother than missing my stbxh). I’m so hoping for a far better 2019.

  • I kind of had to stop *myself* from hoovering around this time last year. Cheating ex had sent me a thoughtful message on my birthday – though I’d had zero contact with him – and I was starting to feel obligated to return the favor, to be polite. Instead, I wrote a list of “29 reasons I will not be wishing _________ a happy birthday.”

    I still revisit that list from time to time. It’s an extremely effective “No Contact” shield, and I laugh at a lot of the things on there because they’re so absurd.

  • I am completing my grad school assignments for this semester today. He will not stop my graduation scheduled for May. The Holidays will be absolutely dreadful. But.I.Will.Not.Break.No.Contact!

    I start my next round of classes on January 2. I’m going to stay nice and busy and meh.

  • I’ll be very surprised if any hoovering occurs from Asshat. His kids and mine all hate him since his brutal discard of me, plus he’s not given me a present for either Christmas OR my birthday (which is New Years Eve) in YEARS. Plus he has a new young shmoopie, so I assume he’s using the fact that the kids want nothing to do with him to convince her that her family isn’t important either. Meanwhile, I’m staying busy with work and friends. I’d be surprised if any acknowledgement of the holidays comes my way from Asshat. This year, at least.

  • Celebrating my 53rd year without the slut! Yeah, she’s right up there, front and center in my memory bank. What a shame she made the wrong choice so long ago.

  • This year I know I will not be trying to manage my WS’s relationship with our adult son and his family. We had quite a dust up last year when he informed me he would be spending Christmas Day with the Prune and her family ( who are apparently his family now even though he doesn’t really know them ) instead of spending the morning with our son and family. I told him he was a special kind of asshole to want to spend Christmas with his fuckbuddy and her family instead of his real family, especially our 7 year old granddaughter. Our son was upset about it too. Lo and behold, he turned up Christmas morning. He is on his own this year, he can sink or swim with the relationship with his only child. Hope he has fun in the Prune’s old crowded single wide. I also know now that I am smarter and better preserved than her !! She looks like one of those mummified people they find in bogs and she is the same colour too. Lots of smoking and tanning behind skin that wrinkled !

  • Several years ago just after Dday, when asked at Thanksgiving what I was thankful for, I said “for loving the same wonderful man for 17 years.” This was pick-me-dancing at its finest. Flash forward to this Thanksgiving and I got to watch my daughter, nieces, and nephews play all day and share a turkey leg, my parents sneak candy and quarters to their grandbabies, laugh while my cousins made the worst ever mashed potatoes, cheers with my 94 year old great aunt, and have a relaxing great time without:

    leaver early cause ex wanted to go, watch ex stare at the TV all day instead of socializing, be on edge all day waiting for ex to drink too much and get arrogant and offensive and belittle people, feel compelled to spackle to our daughter for why daddy is acting so funny (spoiler alert, he was drunk), listen to him trash talk my family the rest of the night, etc.

    It is a kind of freedom that I don’t take for granted.

  • Well I just got notice that I no longer have a job after Dec 28th. So I’ve been very busy brushing up the resume and weighing the pros and cons of leaving the state where my EX lives. I’d love the distance but I worry it will reopen custody issues. So while I am having to think some about him at least Its in the context of how he might impact my short term future vs how he fucked up my past. And I do know he is irrelevant in my present and long term future.

    • Dang! It’s so hard to lose a job in the aftermath of losing your once-trusted life partner. A new job can be a great new start. I hope you love your new job – whatever it turns out to be!

  • DS16 months now, and I shared leftover pot roast and cuddled on the sofa between playing endless games of catch and him hitting balls into his mini hockey net.

    I have very little family and moved to this state for the ex, and now that we’re in the middle of custody I can’t leave the state with him. It was a normal,but super sweet day together.

    Schmoopie not just dumped him, but moved in a guy she’d met on tinder the week before. He experienced his 2nd discard by her for another man. As a result, he’s stated that he’ll withdraw the petition for custody, on the ofw app. So, let’s hope that happens before this guy dumps schmoopie and she runs back to my stbx for kibbles.

    • Please, please do not let this train wreck back into your life and your child’s life. And please also get yourself a support network in real time – you are vulnerable.

      You are a terrific mom!

  • My daughters (22 and 20) and I spent Thanksgiving with ex’s
    Mother – their Nana. She and I remain very close, and in fact have bonded more than ever.

    It was so nice to spend a holiday without any selfish adult-toddlers ruining it with crankiness, laziness, or general indifference. Watching my daughters get time with their Nana and truly being happy even though we have only been divorced 2 months ( separated 10) really did my heart good! I am so looking forward to Christmas and having time with family and friends that in no way has to be dampened by a selfish narc with poor life coping skills. I did not expect to be doing this well so soon – butvI think it is a testament to NC – and choosing to be happy and have gratitude in life, regardless of a cheating jerk trying to steal my joy! As far as I am concerned – life is great, and sorry he has to miss out on it with his terrible life choices – but my girls and I are enjoying our time, and I am happy knowing hat he did not permanently steal my joy!

    • There’s a common theme running through a lot of these comments. What is up with man/toddlers over the holidays? I was always on pins and needles with husband #1. He’d sulk and pout and always, always drink way too much and then start picking fights with me. Omg. I do not miss those days????

      • Exactly!! Mine didn’t really drink – but you never knew the mood. He might be really into it, or moody, or just watching TV like nobody existed. Was so nice being around people who were genuinely happy to spend time together.

      • I read something that offered an explanation of what may be happening to them that makes them crap on holidays.
        Since they are unable to feel a deep connection towards others, family gatherings where people are genuinely happy to see each other and are experiencing joy is a reminder that they are not that deep. They can mirror a little but they eventually have to escape early, not show up at all, or numb themselves. Also throw in being an outright ass to bring everyone to their level.
        His behavior always puzzled me and I covered for 33 yrs. I accepted this theory and moved on.
        The same ex who made holidays miserable and gave a stupid reason to my mom after we left as to why he did not come around during family gathering, is the same ass that tried to hoover through a sad phone call a few weeks back and also the first year after we left asked my mom for a Christmas invite. He as a lot of nerve. He was always having his holiday jollies with porno, prostitutes, other women, and his flavor of the day to escape. I just didn’t know it.

        • Oh wow he sounds delightful! Like most of the jerks here I guess – mine included!! I can see some sense in that theory!!

          I hope your mom told him where he can shove it!

  • So DDay was February. fuckwit keeps telling me that they are not serious, but he’s a liar. Anyway the holiday twist is that fuckwit did a sad sausage routine the other day and said he wanted to come carry the Christmas stuff down from third floor and put tree together because he is only one who knows how to do it. I said ok. And then on thanksgiving the OW posted a tagged picture of her and her teen kids with my husband under the caption “family traditions.” And this after he lied to me about where he was spending thanksgiving, because apparently he needs me to think he’s a nice guy who puts up the family tree. So, this year I will put the tree out to the curb and go buy a real tree, and use it to remind myself that I deserve real love. Such a fuckwit.

  • Perfect timing for this post: True to form, XW engaged in some hoovering a few days ago, as she has done around twice a year for the past five years.

    Note: She is still living with AP.

    Her hoovering began in earnest (via phone, where we were supposed to be discussing our child’s medical needs) with “I still love you…I am sorry…I would never hurt you again…”

    Channel One: Self-pity.

    Stupid me, I should have shut it down immediately or (my usual tact), change the subject back to its original purpose. Instead, I said “You would never be able to do what I would need for you to do to trust you and for as long as it would take.”

    And with that, the channel changed to Number 2: Rage in the form of blame-shifting.

    “This is not all my fault, you bear some responsibility, you hurt me too by triggering my FOO issues which caused me to have the affair and I couldn’t at the time come back to you because I was in so much pain blah blah blah…”

    I said “Ok,” and changed the subject back to our child.

    I’m still cursing myself for letting myself get sucked back in, even for a few moments.

    Happy Holiday Hoovering!

    • Lie of shared responsibility.
      It is actually a gift when they go back to that trope. Always reminds me why I am glad they are gone?

  • My stbx hasn’t asked me for a darn thing and I’m very glad for it. He’s too busy hoovering over the OW and playing happy family with the single day he has both his kids for the holiday. (Conflicting custody orders for both).

    Meanwhile, I have been busy cyber shopping. Putting the tree up and I took the kids to our annual Thanksgiving movie trip.

    It hurts, this has been the first holiday season since he left us for the OW. So everything is new territory.

  • LOL Chumplady knows her stuff! I just got a text today from the ex asking if we could celebrate Christmas together with his extended family. (Because he doesn’t want to share the kids over the holiday).

    I replied summarizing the court order. And told him his plan wasn’t healthy.

    I miss his family deeply. 18 years together, I considered his mom a dear friend. But this is the fallout of infidelity and divorce. It sucks. But is faaaaaar better than the alternative (spending more time with him).

    Plus I got plans Xmas Eve while the kids are with him! I got a life. I will be ready and excited to receive my kids when my time comes Christmas morning. I will have coffee cake and hot chocolate ready. Grandparents present and stockings full!

    It sucks to share kids, it really does, but not having boundaries sucks more.

  • Thanksgiving Day – An email from an Ex, with a luvya and a narcissist’s favorite gift- photos of himself! Once, I would have found it flattering & progressive “Oh, we’re still part of each others’ lives” regardless of the woman on the other side of the camera, doing what I once did. Delete! LOL

  • Last year, my daughter asked if her Mom could sleepover on Christmas Eve and open presents in the morning. I said yes because my kids come first, even though I caught her with several married men and was still recovering from the pain. I also had custody of the kids and they haven’t seen her in a long time. Well, on Christmas morning she was in a rush to leave and I was confused of where she had to go on Christmas Day, since her other boyfriends are married and are stuck at home. Well I shortly find out that she had a brand new boyfriend who was also married but left his wife and kids in tears so he can bang my ex wife. This new boyfriend also happened to be my sons wrestling coach, who he looked up too. The fact that she chose fucking my sons coach is more important then spending time with my son on Christmas morning made it clear she is no longer welcomed in my house. Set boundaries high, because these people have no idea the pain and suffering they cause.

    • What a fuckwit!! They never fail to disappoint and they never fail to show their true colors. Make your own traditions!

      • Already have, our home is filled with happiness again. It took awhile but the kids and I made it!

  • Just got this, one month after divorce finalized. After 28 years, he cheated and abandoned me for a whore he had known for a few brief weeks. Not caring if the pain and shock almost killed me. He went through the 3 channels of rage/self pity/charm/major victim and stalled the divorce for 2 yrs (I filed immediately) but finally the judge wouldn’t let him play any more games. This is the first communication since the divorce was final…MAJOR manipulation and a threat to stop paying court ordered spousal support…All about him of course. I will continue with NO CONTACT. BTW at the age of 60, the whore convinced him to go off on a tangent and change to another type of work in his industry, something he really didn’t need to do. No idea if he’s with the original whore or not. Don’t know and don’t care. I am at MEH most of the time. But this is MAJOR hooover and word salad… Enjoy!

    I hope you are well and that you had a nice Thanksgiving. I am thankful for all the wonderful holidays we had together and all the delicious meals you created out of love. Thank you. I hope you are with (children/grandchild) now and that they are also well. I bet (Grandson) is getting pretty big by now. Like I have always said, I never thought we would not communicate. I would like to communicate with you and hope that you will do the same. I have been busy studying and testing for my captain test. I have one retest on the hardest one that I failed. I’ve passed 8 out of 9 modules. The first one I have ever failed. I have to retest and pass before the end of the year or I have to retake the entire test which I probably won’t do. I would have rather shared this with you from the beginning because I know you would have been supportive. But now I have told you. I have no idea how you are or what’s going on with you either but I’m hoping that will change. You know I care about you. Please.
    I have some other license deadlines coming up too and its a big juggling act at the moment. I’m doing night mate work in the meantime but financially I’m running on fumes. I’m pretty sure I will have the full amount by the end of the month but it’s going to be close because I have no control as to the amount of nights I get dispatched for. It’s a daily grind. I’m not playing games though. Please know this. It’s just that I’m not making as much right now and I don’t have any in savings and my credit card is about maxed out , which is also not a guarantee. I’m hoping I won’t have a problem that needs to be addressed by the court but it is what it is. If it gets worse, I won’t know what else to do. I hope you don’t get more nervous, upset or scared. I am doing the best I can. I thought I should just tell you what’s going on and let you know that this might happen now and then. It’s just the way it is with my work right now. Hopefully things will smooth out soon. I have enough days on the books to continue the medical plan so you shouldn’t have to worry about that but that is always a concern of mine too. I will let you know before the end of the month if it’s going to be a problem. Hopefully it won’t. OK then. Bye.

      • BEST idea ever!Poor little sausage timid forest creature. A court order is a court order. There will be consequences. I’m not the same “scared” little girl he abused for 28 years.

        • Grandmummy. You get everything you are entitled to. It is yours and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

    • Grandmummy, you know what he is doing. Trying to play nice guy so your will let him slide. Don’t fall for it.

      • yup. his tricks don’t work any more. See you in court, sad sausage!

  • I love Chump Lady because (as she’d say) the dead common patterns here always help me stay focused on what is right and true, then I feel fine about shedding the rest.

    Just like others above, this T-Day included my family making changes to our family rituals accommodate STBX’s schedule and desire to see DS on Thanksgiving night. Then — BING! — two days before, when having a quick dinner with DS, he informs DS that he will not be seeing him on Thanksgiving night, because he is going to spend Thanksgiving with a “friend.” (None of us know who the “friend” is.) That left DS to tell me that the schedule had changed, while STBX disappeared off the map. We all stood back in wonder at such a decision–annoyed at the last-minute changes in plans, yes, but dumbfounded at someone who would choose random strangers over his own child on the holidays. It’s just not something anyone in our family (my FOO) would do, unless they are a doctor or nurse on call. (Some of those, but they usually get one holiday off…)

    I also like how CL and CN reminds me to keep my own bad self in check: last year at this time, I imagined a future in which the Fantasy Amicable Exes we would become would do things like pet sit for each other, etc.

    NOPE! Not only does STBX not care enough about pets (or kid) to step up like that, but it’s just better for me to deal with our longtime pet sitter as always.

    Happy Holidays everyone!

  • Hahahahaha! It’s so true that if there is ONE time of the year they come crawling out of the woodworks, it’s now!
    I am far too fabulous and far too busy to give any fucks regarding Ho Bag Dad’s needs or wants.

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