Alan Dershowitz Is Human Garbage
I am completely obsessed with the Jeffrey Epstein story. And why wouldn’t I be? It’s the most operatic of Chump Lady topics — grotesque sexual entitlement and what happens when Bad Men let their dicks wander.
The Epstein saga is also the story of one woman’s mightiness — Miami Herald investigative reporter Julie K. Brown — who doggedly pursued Epstein when no one else would touch it.
(Whenever the news cycle gets me down, I let my thoughts wander to Jeffrey alone in his Manhattan jail cell with only rats and fetid puddles. A thousand blessings upon you, Julie.)
In a field of villains, however, one stands out among the slime — Harvard law professor emeritus and Martha’s Vineyard pariah — Alan Dershowitz.
Defender of loathsome misogynists everywhere.
You may know him for his work defending high-profile monied rapists, or as Epstein’s party pal and legal counsel. Or perhaps you’re familiar with his winsome op-ed to abolish statutory rape laws, his perfect, perfect sex life, or how he always keeps his underpants on.
But after yesterday’s New Yorker profile, I have a new reason to hate Alan Dershowitz — what he did to Sue Barlach. His first wife.
He made Sue Barlach’s life hell for leaving him.
I’ve read too many stories of abuse here. Of the hell it is to divorce a vengeful narcissist. I’ve lived it. Scores of you have lived it. You will read these next paragraphs like a punch to the gut.
Dershowitz’s collaborators were Harvey Silverglate, a former student of his, who had a small firm in Boston, and Jeanne Baker, a law-school student who was a research assistant there. “Working together with these two extraordinary young lawyers,” he wrote, “made it clear to me how unhappy I was in my marriage.”
Those crazy comely young assistant coincidences. How they intersect with “unhappiness.”
In 1973, he and Sue separated, after fourteen years of marriage, and she soon filed for divorce. The case went to court in early 1976, and the proceedings were acrimonious. In Judge Haskell Freedman’s lengthy findings of fact, he wrote that Dershowitz’s behavior toward Sue “negatively affected the plaintiff’s health to the extent that she required medical treatment and briefly some psychiatric therapy. ” (Dershowitz denies mistreating her, and his son Elon said that he witnessed no improper treatment.)
Sue had been given provisional custody of the children, but Dershowitz, represented by his friend Silverglate, was seeking sole custody. He brought in a psychiatrist named Pierre Johannet as an expert witness. At first, Johannet recommended joint custody. But in an appearance a month later he testified that he had changed his mind, after listening to tapes of phone conversations between Dershowitz and Sue. (Dershowitz has a long habit of recording calls, but says that he has no recollection of taping these.)
Judge Freedman, too, was influenced by the tapes. In the conversations, Sue addressed Dershowitz “in the most disparaging terms,” according to the findings. “She called him names over the telephone while the children listened.” The judge noted that Sue interfered with Dershowitz’s visits with the children and harshly insulted Jeanne Baker, who had become Dershowitz’s girlfriend. Freedman relied on testimony from a number of witnesses—including Sue’s sister, Marilyn, who by then was married to Dershowitz’s brother—that Dershowitz would do more to help the children adjust to the divorce. Freedman acknowledged that Johannet had reversed his position—but that, he wrote, merely proved that he was a “truly objective witness.” He awarded Dershowitz custody.
There but for the grace of God.
The mindfuck. The baiting. The trap. The threat — carried out — to take away your children. The impoverishment. To make you pay for leaving him. To hurt you in ways no one else could ever hurt you. Because you had the guts to leave.
On New Year’s Eve, 1983, she walked to the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge and leaped to her death.
She paid the price for being his chump.
Sue Barlach was Alan Dershowitz’s chump. His original sin. I wish she were alive today to see him fall. Maybe her ghost whispers in Julie Brown’s ear. Maybe she’s the guardian angel of every raped 15-year-old with crap life options in an Epstein mansion.
I hope she’s an avenging angel.
I hope Alan Dershowitz goes down.
Our minds are in sync, Tracy. I was just reading about this turd, who doesn’t even have sparkly frosting.
It seems to me that integrity is the new credential, something that can’t be bought with billions or verified by degrees from Harvard, USC, or Stanford.
If you’re a chump with integrity, your stock is VERY high indeed.
Lets not forget the beating she endured after learning about his affair that put her in the hospital. I went through that and I was shocked at how many people swept that under the run. It was a divorce, all divorces get mean, what is a broken rib.
That alone takes all your security away. You are afraid like you were never knew you could be in your own home and he no longer lives there but you know he does not think the law applies to him and from your viewpoint it does not.
You just wish the chump could really understand how important NC is at that time. They drive you crazy and know they are doing it at the time. Quiet is the only weapon we have that works when in battle.
I think Harvard Law professor is some pretty sparkly frosting.
I think the even the frosting ran away screaming.
HA!
Jesus, I had no idea about his first wife. I try not to assume who is or isn’t going to hell, but there are definitely folks like our pal Alan here who are gonna have to have a long talk with The Almighty when their time comes.
I’m a former defense lawyer and I do not fault defense attorneys for defending unpopular defendants; that’s how a justice system is judged. Anyone can defend the innocent looking guy accused of stealing bread. The guy who is accused of an atrocious crime – that is how we test our system.
AND YET – 2 things about Alan Dershowitz freak me out.
First, I had once heard a rumor that Dershowitz had been abusive to his first wife. But after a pretty thorough search online, I could only find ONE source that seemed poorly documented (with other small “articles” referring to that same source). That’s is terrifyingly effective image management.
Second, as horrified as I am by that man’s behavior, I’m shaken to the core for the late Susan Barbach, because of her own sister’s betrayal.
How can her sister live with herself? And what about the other son’s feelings about his father? (Forget Elon, he’s hooked on hopium for his narc dad).
I’d say “shame on them” but I can tell they are quite literally, shameless.
I feel sick.
Sorry, cynical me thinks there might be more going on. It’s possible sister was forced to testify or told that she would get the same treatment as Sue if she didn’t. I sincerely doubt brother Dershowitz is any different from Alan. Also, it’s very possible that sis getting run down by a car isn’t karma so much as this was brother Dershowitz’s way of ending the relationship.
I feel the same. His brother is probably cut from a similar abusive mold.
And karma is the least likely suspect in her death.
Agreed, these accusations have to be proven. It is true that attorney’s defend and protect guilty people every day in most likely every court in the land. This is why many people chose another line of work if their talent is in the courtroom.
Let’s just hope the guilty don’t get away with it. Money and power are King IMO.
It seems if your Cheater has money and power, you are likely in for a horrifying roller coaster ride through divorce hell.
My sister would do that. Remorselessly.
My sister taught me how valuing family is not equivalent to tolerating monsters just because they were born or invited into the same family.
I second those emotions.
Just looked up the sister in law, Marilyn Dershowitz, (the late wife Susan’s own sister, who betrayed her in court and helped Alan win sole custody of their kids).
Turns out Marilyn was recently run over and killed while biking with Alan’s brother (her husband).
I’m not God. So I’m not making any further comment.
I see this less as karma and more that she knew too much and was a liability, especially with all the attention this case with Epstein’s been getting.
It was a seven ton postal truck. That rolled slowly over her. Enough said.
https://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/12/nyregion/drivers-trial-in-bike-crash-that-killed-marilyn-dershowitz-opens.html
I’ll comment-I love a good karma story ! She was literally mowed down by karma LOL !
The karma bus is steering towards one of my neighbors and I’m laughing just as hard. Unbeknownst to Miriam, I know she’s the mistress that became Manuel’s second wife. I google new neighbors to see who is moving in that I might have to keep on eye on or stay away from. Like the creep who lives in Section 8 housing across the street who molested his daughter and is a registered sex offender. Manuel is planning on retiring to their place in San Miguel de Allende, she’s not happy. I would bet money that he has a sidepiece down there.
My ex had a mistress who lived in San Miguel de Allende. She thought that they were long distance star-crossed lovers. I read some of their text messages. She knew all about me & our 4 kids and believed that ex was with me for economic reasons only. From your post it seems that cheaters might gather there.
To her credit she was the only one who communicated with me. They were no longer together by that time so she wasn’t covering for him anymore. Why did they break up? She found out about another OW.
Cheaters cheat & liars lie. And somehow they all find each other across the globe.
This hits me at my core.
Many Chump parents here have had tough times but can not begin to comprehend the shock, grief and unbearable pain at loosing custody of children.
Of course she said many, many horrible things on the phone! Of course she was devastated and frustrated by having a professional reverse his position on custody; that must have driven her mad. And the disgusting behavior of her sister?
I can feel what drove her over the bridge in my gut. Such a loss has no words.
Things like this make me want to do anything to change the narrative and the way the system works.
Feeling crushed for this woman I will never know.
Shewarrior, Not my fault, and Rebecca you all sum up my immediate gut punch reaction. I had to put my phone down and felt a visceral response when I read she jumped off a bridge. Any one who’s endured narcissistic abuse knows exactly what she endured and the level of betrayal from so many…excruciating.
This hits me also. My (I learned sociopathic ex) was carrying on his affair while my soon to be lawyer son just suddenly “cut me off” in 2012. I pleaded for my ex to help with this situation as he was not cut off! I have come to realize that all during this time my ex (as of 2016) was actually playing a part in this estrangement to justify what he had been doing (but of course, not telling anyone). Bottom line is that I pray daily that my son comes to his senses, realizing that his father cared more about impression management then his son’s relationship with his own mother. Yes, these people are a dangerous lot.
I, too lost my son to his narc father who set the stage,groomed the boy, to find me unacceptable as his mom after 15.5years. It began slowly with his fathers decision to cheat…suddenly they were teamed up together against me…I put too much academic pressure on my son, (very bright but ADD and disorganized)pressure would be me reminding him of missed or late assignments and offering tutoring if grades were falling…making him study and do his homework. Suddenly dad was saying ‘he’s fine leave him alone!’ Dad who worked 10 hour days suddenly had time to drive him to school and pick him up. When cheater left he lied of course saying no it’s not another woman,I just need to be alone. My son said he had to go with dad because of the academic pressure. Is there anything else at all I asked? No mom, don’t worry I’ll see you too. This boy who asked me to rub his back every night before he went to bed, who chatted with me, who shared confidences with me has, within 2 years completely cut me out of his life. The less he saw me the more grew the mountain of my sins. I begged his father for help, why is he so angry with me please let’s sit down together, I think he feels you don’t want him to love me…he needs your permission! The dead eye stare is what I got. Once I found out about the affair, I never said a word to my son, didn’t know if he knew… Ex stated in depositions that no he never told our son he had a gf, she just started coming over and he just accepted it, believed it started after dad left. Just bought the whole story. Losing my son is far greater pain than discovery of cheating…this is a gutting of unfathomable proportions…
Dershowitz should be in jail with Epstein, and not because he orchestrated the Epstein deal. No, recently when he learned there are witnesses who have sworn under oath that he also engaged in sex acts with minors at the Epstein mansion, he actually responded yes, he had received massages there, but protested his innocence by saying,”I left my underwear on.”
How is THAT for a non-denial denial? I guess he has never listened to Randy Newman’s ballad, ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’! Of course, Dershowitz was wearing those underwear on his feet, but he thinks the public is too stupid to notice his verbal gymnastics.
The shine wore off Dershowitz’s legal reputation years ago, and there has speculation that his defense of the fellow who bragged about grabbing women by the p**** is because the two of them have something in common-their relationship with Epstein and the need to keep their misconduct hidden from the public.
Didn’t know about the shady divorce tactics, but they come as no surprise, The guy is creep of the first order.
Always follow the money and the sex.
As my dear littl Okie mama told me when I was very young (and it’s true): “A Stiff Prick Has No Conscience”.
This should be given to little girls in cross-stitch and neon.
♥️♥️♥️
????????????????????????
This is great – will start my new embroidery project ASAP!
That’s why he’s so much in favor of scrapping non-statutory rape then.
Just knowing that he was part of O.J. Simpson’s defense was enough for me to despise the guy 25 years ago.
Yeah I thought of that right away. And don’t forget Claus von Bulow, convicted of murdering his wife so he could be with his mistress until Dershowitz took his case and got the conviction overturned. https://variety.com/2019/film/global/claus-von-bulow-dead-dies-reversal-of-fortune-1203230036/
So interesting ~ they made a movie about this case that created significant reasonable doubt. Never did any of the background research so took the movie for what it was Reversal of Fortune.
When I read the New Yorker article yesterday, I realized how badly he treated his first wife. He taped their conversations after they separated but had “no recollection of taping them.” How convenient to produce them for the divorce & custody proceedings. The judge fell for his sparkly b.s.
This poor woman was treated badly by everyone including her own sister. Lost custody of her kids. What a mindfuck!
She was so desperate that she took her own life.
Alan is slime.
Watch out he’ll try to sue us for defamation of character.
Ummm…what character Mr Dershowitz? In my book you have none.
The judge may not have fallen for anything. These folks protect each other. I am not assuming any benefit of any doubt.
No one wanted to touch this story because his clients are of the rich and powerful class. Alan D. and Bill Clinton etc…… we have a two tier justice system. I hope anyone associated with this freak end up behind bars. Regardless of their money, power or political party!
May ever last one of them who raped a woman or an underage girl be exposed and tried. No matter who they are.
I sincerely hope they are all taken to a level where they elect to jump off a bridge and impale themselves on rocks below.
Anyone who abuses their power and wealth to harm CHILDREN physically and psychologically is not worth the $4.50 of their body minerals.
The fuckwit and his poor first wife were married in a different time. Women almost exclusively were stay at home moms who relied on their husbands to take care of them and however many children they decided to have. My parents were married 7 years after them and chose that same model. Fortunately my Dad was nothing like this asshole. He and my mom remain married after almost 54 years.
I was also quite fortunate that my parents, especially my mother, saw the flaw in the way they built their lives. She felt as though she had relinquished all of her power to the man she married and she didn’t want her children to do the same thing. She told my sister and I not to marry doctors, but to become doctors. Marriage and children did not represent the penultimate goal of our existence as far as she was concerned. Having two independent daughters, that could thrive on their own was what was most important to her. I owe her and my dad a lifetime of gratitude for that.
People die, people get sick and people breed with fuckwits. It is imperative that people retain their independence and ability to take care of themselves and any tiny humans they bring in to the world. They say the fertility rates/birth rates in the US and other countries have declined. We are no longer reproducing at the population 0 rate. I am hoping it is because that people recognize all those fun facts and don’t bring children into the world before they are ready in every way to include financially.
What does it have to do with infidelity? Everything because if women like Sue Dershowitz or even Betty Broderick had not bought into the “he will take care of all of us” line, and cultivated their careers along with their families; they may have been more likely to recognize that no other person is worth taking your own life over or taking someone else’s life over. That goes double for a fuckwit cheater.
Preach it, CS! All women need “something to fall back on” when life throws a curve ball. I used to manage rental properties. The saddest cases are the women who lived with men for many years, often helping to pay their boy friend’s mortgages, and then are discarded with nothing. These women don’t even get the protection of a property settlement — they often end up with nothing in their late 40s or 50s, trying to rent an apartment with a poorly paid job and no savings or rental history. I literally do not know how they will survive when they are too old to work.
Yes, DW. I am living the dream—fifty something year old divorced mother (of young kids) I will become unemployed again next month. No house, my ex-husband financially cleaned me out when he left, post-separation boyfriend married young ‘all that’ work subordinate, special needs child is struggling, and getting fat in spite of exercising every day. I am also having nightmares about my last abandoning boyfriend rubbing my nose in his sparkly new marriage to the aforementioned work subordinate, partly triggered by the fact that I have to pass my ex-boyfriend’s parents’ beautiful home to get to my relatives’ home. I get depressed remembering how happy I felt spending time with them at their home. I thought that at 50, after living through a very abusive marriage, in which my ex-husband tried to wrest custody from me, the way Dershowitz did to his poor first wife, I had finally ‘arrived,’ being able to become the partner of my friend of 30 years. I could not have been more wrong.
Some of the posters have mentioned taking courses to stay current. While I understand the sentiment, all the courses I have taken, including practical ones like accounting and software, have not helped me secure a job. Although a few employers, if they work in fields such as law, medicine, education, care about licensure, what the vast majority of employers care most about is your WORK history, not your academic history, especially if they are short programs, like workshops or programs that take less than a few years. My degrees, even in quant fields and from highly regarded universities, have not helped me secure a family-sustaining job. I am being told that I am too old.
I hope that celebrities and high profile people who abuse others will be held accountable.
I agree with you – I think you have to demonstrate that you already have done work in order to get work. The way around this, at least in my field, is to do volunteer work but not mention that it’s volunteer on your resume. I’m a web developer, and I’ve watched many people break into the field by asking their church or their kid’s grade school if they could make a website for them. It seems to be this way in a lot of fields, unfortunately. It sucks that this is the way it is, but at least there’s a path.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Why. Web development sounds like one of the more in-demand fields.. I have done a lot of volunteer work (for nonprofit agencies) in my field but am not getting any traction from it. I feel good doing it as I think that I help people by doing it, but feeling good doesn’t house and feed my kids. If I don’t find a permanent family-sustaining job in my geographical area in the next couple of months, things are going to get really noticeably rougher. I hate to admit that maybe my former partners were right about me—maybe I am an incompetent loser who has (virtually) no redeeming qualities and for them the grass really is greener (and younger) on the other side of the fence.
Ack! You say, “I hate to admit that maybe my former partners were right about me—maybe I am an incompetent loser.” But this is NOT TRUE. Your former partners stole the trophy and then criticized you for losing. You did not lose. They cheated. They undermined your financial stability then criticized you for having financial troubles. You did not fail at financial stability. They stole your stability. How dare they!
I am so sorry that you are struggling so much, and I hope you can put down the burden that this is some how your own fault. It is one less responsibility to carry.
Dear RockStarWife,
Your exes were WRONG. You are a kind, decent person. You help people here. You are raising kids and being the stable kids parent they need.
You are not a loser or incompetent. You just had a wonky picker and met two cruel partners who had to tear you down to feel better about their own shittiness.
If it helps, the Ask A Manager blog seems to have good advice for getting jobs and has a generally decent commentariat. (Hope it’s okay to give recs!)
Thank you, Nevermore.
I do care about others and hope that that caring counts for something in this world. I have wonderful relatives, colleagues, clients, friends on CN and elsewhere, so I’m going to remind myself that not everyone is cruel, dishonest, opportunistic. Just have had so many bad intimate relationships (beyond the last two) that make me sometimes think, ‘I must be doing something wrong,’ but my gut tells me that lying to, manipulating, insulting, invalidating people, especially those who love you, are abusive—I have tolerated on-going abuse, especially from intimate partners, for decades, partly because I didn’t think that I could make it on my own, so I spackled (denied reality) and Pick Me Danced.
Thank you for the referral to the work blog.
Hi Rockstarwife, I am so sorry that things are so hard for you. Things are tough at this end too and I am not around a lot. However, I remember you saying that you were a bodybuilder? Have you thought of offering coaching online? I know a lot of body builders can make money from coaching other aspiring bodybuilders who want to compete by making up meal plans, exercise plans etc. and then helping their clients as they progress by amended those plans etc to get better results. You can do it from the comfort of your own home and phone/internet connection.
You have experience in a field where I don’t think there are a lot of female coaches. You could also provide pregnancy diets/plans if you have experience in that too. You could also approach gyms in your area to see if they need personal trainers etc. It’s just an idea. 🙂 I know a few people who have paid a lot of money to online coaches for body building tips. Hugs and hoping things improve for you!
WishinforHappiness,
You present an intriguing idea. I am not qualified to coach bodybuilding nor offer diet advice. I was a swimming coach years ago. Thank you for your support!
RSW, their narrative about you is NOT valid. In almost every comment you make here, you exude care and dedication to your kids, present humility with regards to ypur history and come across as a person with a wealth of experience.
Your current mission, to secure employment so you can support yourself and your kids is honorable and worthy. Unlike your nasty ex husband and your shallow ex boyfriend. Their story from how I read it here doesn’t present with any value, or courage, or conviction, or standards, or meaning. They will pass over as all mortals do, and their lives will be forgotten.
You however, have a chance to model great strength of character at this very tough point in your life. You play a pivotal role in raising wonderful humans of the next generation. You represent MOTHER for them, and WOMAN to them. You CAN set the standard that they will grow into adults from.
Finding adequately paid work isn’t an easy task, I agree. And it can seem so daunting when facing the insecurity of providing for ours and our kids needs. Climbing out of this hole we’ve ended up in is a challenging task. But your priorities are straight, get work to support me and my family.
You can do this! Keep looking, keep applying, keep networking, keep putting it out there, tell yourself you CAN and you WILL. Even if you don’t believe it yet.
I see a MIGHTY woman in you. There is a success story underneath the fear and hurt. She doesn’t give up, she stands back up, she grits her teeth, she marches forward, she dusts herself off and she proves to herself that SHE and her kids are WORTHY!
CN has your back! Hugs!
Rocky is one of my favorite superheroes. You’ve got this!
One Thing,
I feel as though you’re my boxing coach after I’ve gone several rounds, buoying me up and cheering me on!
Things are not easy for my family (like many families described here), but I do realize that I am fortunate and loved by some in some ways. This morning my supervisor on my contract job told me that my students loved me. This evening some people while I was out training invited me to join a triathlon and rowing groups. As always, many people in CN offer constant support as do my relatives and my children, one of whom routinely hugs me (the other, in the thick of middle school tries to pretend he does not know me—bit that’s OK). I want to be a very good role model to my kids, my clients, etc., and I know that others have done great things under much worse conditions than mine. I was a bit triggered this weekend passing my last boyfriend’s parents’ home and seeing the stipulation stating that I am losing my spousal support. I am going to view these things as mental conditioning, a good thing in a way. I Lt like crying at my job site today even though I love my tasks and the people who I serve. I don’t want to let this happen as these people are wonderful. And I don’t want to always feel bad about not being able to hang onto my last boyfriend, the guy at thought was my friend for 30 years but turned out not to care—I consistently tried very hard to please him—a lot more than he did for me.
I am trying to be a model human, like many, many posters on CL. One of my goals—a funny (odd) one—is to become the oldest athlete and coach in the world, following a humane plant-based diet and promoting conservation. I can work on these things without a partner and without a job. I am also going to try to learn more accounting. I might flop in my career; but I’m not ‘allowed’ to quit, so Ali might as well just try.
One Thing, I hope that MANY things go your way. You deserve happiness and appreciation by others.
I got a new job at age 56 in a totally different field from what I worked in for over 33 years.
It’s possible to be hired in your 50’s. Please keep searching. Don’t give up hope.
50 is not old! You’ve only reached the half-way point.
Renee,
I wish that a lot more people thought the way you did.
I am glad that things worked out for you. May I ask what you do now and whether your compensation could support an adult and her kids?
Hi RSW, I work in IT now for a healthcare system. I have no formal training in IT. I worked in a clinical laboratory for 33 years (29 yrs as a supervisor). They saw my clinical experience as a plus but I had no IT experience. They took a chance on me. I have been learning a lot this past year from my co-workers. I am blessed to work from home now on most days. I have 4 kids who live with me in various stages of learning(college & highschool). Eldest son is in med school & lives at home. I do have a per diem job that allows me to keep a foot in the lab on some weekends. I know that mine are specific skills but I have faith that there is something out there for your skill set too. Good luck!
I too empathize with Betty. She did what we all think about, that bastard drove her to madness
I too have contemplated taking a dirt nap as a way out from under this pain. My kids are my reason for living back 50 years ago my great aunt was duped by a man. He got her pregnant then turned around and married someone else. The state took her baby as she was an unwed mother. My aunt drank a bottle of lye soon after…how sad i have always felt for that poor girl…but I totally understand.
I think about the desperation of Jennair Gerardot. Being discarded must feel like being burned by a blow torch.
Btw, the new 55 year old British Prime Minister Johnson has brought his 31 year old lover into 10 Downing Street, while his middle aged wife, and the mother of his four children, lives elsewhere.
Her mother and sister are garbage people too. He hadn’t divorced her, he had filed for a divorce. So I’m guessing he had a suspicion that Little Miss Sunshine was a cheat.
https://www.delawareonline.com/story/news/2021/09/17/meredith-chapman-life-insurance-judge-ruling-luke-chapman/8379215002/
I’m in the UK and a chump. I took my two little girls to the anti Boris protest specifically because I disagree with the astounding level of moral bankruptcy that Boris displays in his personal life. How can you trust a man like that to run a country? What message does that say to children and other young people?
What an absolute pig. Hopefully the people will come to their senses next election. We have a Tory provincial Premier here in Ontario, Canada who is also an assclown, but he became wildly unpopular almost immediately for his vile policies, including targeting autistic kids for funding cuts. Fingers crossed that the same happens to Johnson. Really, what do people expect when they elect some jerk who was known to be nasty and unethical before even running for office.
I didn’t know about the British PM but the Jennair Gerardot story really shook me up when it happened. Other people didn’t get why I found it so upsetting that a cheated on wife would kill her husband’s lover & then herself. The cheater was found outside the lover’s house where it happened, puzzled why his lover hadn’t met him for dinner! He orchestrated a painful & deadly situation.
It’s so important for every woman (and man) to have an identity separate from marriage, including the capacity to earn a living. And if a couple wants one parent to stay home with the kids, there needs to be a plan for that parent to have meaningful outside activity other than playdates or lunch with a friend. SAHPs should have a plan to stay current in their desired job field, even if it’s taking one or two classes a year. That’s easier now with so many university courses online. Or if the SAHP doesn’t have a degree, maybe taking a class every semester in an area of interest will make job re-entry easier. Networking events, going to a conference, volunteering, pursuing a satisfying hobby: all of that can help people stay connected.
Wholeheartedly agree with keeping active and maintaining skills, and ALSO, a parent who stays home with children should have a bank account in their name only that the salaried spouse makes regular deposits to. Parenting is an important job and it should be well paid, and the parent should not have to give up financial independence in order to do it.
Absofuckinglutely.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Isolation is the enemy of independence and self-care. I feel like it was something I has to fight against my whole marriage, and I’m so glad now that I did.
One of my late mother’s friends who stayed with her abuser Howard the Whoremonger (until he died a quick death from pancreatic cancer) told me she cried the first year after they moved to the ‘burbs in New Jersey from Manhattan. He would disappear for weeks at a time to his city f*ckpad, leaving his wife alone with three little ones and the nanny.
This woman had a terrible childhood (mother died, father abandoned her and her little brother and her uncle then molested her) and had no higher education or job skills. Whoremonger was a spectacular earner so I guess she stayed for the lifestyle-lots of international travel, money to buy her positions on arts organizations boards, eating out and paying the tab for faux friends every night in nice restaurants. Their three adult kids have huge trust funds but none of them are married (in their 50s and one is over 60). This woman just celebrated her ninetieth birthday and is suffering from dementia. Not a happy ending.
I was thinking about Betty Broderick too when I read this. He drove her over the edge and instead of taking her own life, she took his and schmoops. I know, murder is not the answer. But who among us hasn’t thought it would’ve been so much easier if that fuckwit had died? When you take everything in the world that matters to a chump, what’s left?
Not the same story, but what about Joey Buttafouco who got involved with an underage girl (17). She goes over to the marital house and his wife unknowingly answers the door to get shot in the face by the AP! She apparently knew nothing about the affair. That is a swell way to find out!
I bet we’ve all had that thought.
Dershowitz and all other wife abusers and rapists should die in the most terrible agony, tortured to death.
As far as I am concerned Dershowitz murdered his first wife. He murdered he soul and left her to do he dirty work of disposing of the body. It didn’t have to be that way, however. It is sad that nobody was there to support her and bring her back to life. She was abandoned and betrayed by those who should have cared and not just Dershowitz. Shame on her sister. I can forgive the son who was probably young and impressionable and too naïve to understand what was happening.
This is exactly what Two-Legged Rat did to me for 30 years. He slowly murdered my soul, until I had nothing left but to dispose of my own body. So I attempted suicide, just four months after my oldest son took his own life.
After two days at he ICU I was taken to a psychiatric hospital and a week later I was back home, where TLR continued to abuse me. It took me a couple more years to gather the courage to kick him out of the house and several more years to earn back my two younger sons’ love and respect.
While I’m working 24/7 to prevent teen suicide, I hear TLR has a lot of money but lives alone and his painful gout has him limping.
Thank you, Chumpinrecovery, for puting so much suffering (especially what Sue Barlach went through) in such meaningful words.
Chumpiest, your words brought me to tears. My brother killed himself a little over 30 years. He had just graduated high school two weeks previous. My mom, grandmother and I often talked about the despair and depression. But at the moment, how helpless, scared, defeated, lost, pained and anguished he must have felt to finally pull the trigger. I cannot imagine that pain. Thank you for being alive and continuing to work for those who have lost their compass.
The Trail of Destruction. So many innocents lives – dead- even though they are living.
Night of The Living Dead. Years of The Living Dead.
So sick and so real. No one is giving that innocent girl back her childhood.
Depraved. Sick. Rotten.
So sorry what happened to these underage girls. About The Living Dead comment. The Walking Dead is how I regard myself. I am finally over ex for good but my life is still wrecked. For all the encouragement about walls singing again, it’s not gonna happen for everyone. There is not a single person to call who wants to hear from me. Smear campaign, people have no backbone to stand up for what is right. I feel like a pod person. Can’t remember the name of those movies but it’s where peoples’ physical bodies are still present but their emotions and memories are erased. I HAVE BEEN ERASED and am invisible in this world. Nobody cares what happens to me. Nobody. It’s not solitude which is a choice. It is total unwanted isolation with no meaningful human contact for the better part of 4 years. It’s no way to live. Apparently I have nothing to offer. Even other downtrodden people don’t care about me. I feel like I have LOSER tattooed across my forehead and it’s so internalized now and so deep. I can’t imagine any scenario where anybody will ever care about me. There’s just no path. I can’t get things that other people get. No matter how hard I try, I fail at everything I do. I am the Biggest Loser.
CDISGONE, I commented on your post about isolation just before the forums shut down. You may not have seen my reply.
On the new reddit chat (the CL reddit group) we are helping a new chump from the UK who is presently in the inferno, she is 3 weeks out. If you are feeling lonely pop over to the chat room. There are a bunch of us over there, chatting up a storm in both hemispheres.
Come and join us x
Too bad she didn’t have Chump Lady and Chump Nation. You all saved me from “losing it” on my ex during our separation and divorce. Wow, does it take gigantic control when dealing with them, their lies, and manipulations. You think you are going crazy. But this place saved me and kept me in check (98% if the time at least).
My fantasy:
Tracy’s Chump Lady Blog be on the homepage of AOL, MSNBC, YAHOO, COMCAST, CNN, FOX and every other “news source” out there.
Yes. The message needs to become more mainstream. It needs to scream just as loud as the reconciliation sites.
I got sucked into the reconciliation books and sites after dday#1. I remember coming across Chump Lady then but it wasn’t the message I wanted to hear. And it was the ONLY site that came up NOT about saving my marriage. Second time around, I went searching for it. Thank God for it and all of you.
I’ve never heard this terrible story about his first wife.
Cruel narcissist to the end. May he share Epstein’s cell.
He so deserves it. Evil ????
And may they share the big burly inmates with body odor who seek sexual release.
Further proof that the karma bus never hits some people.
I’m convinced.
I’ve learned that the best thing I can do is be happy that I don’t live in a world of antidepressants and gaslighting anymore.
These people never suffer.
Ugh.
First of all, karma is not a thing. Never has been, never was. Bad shit happens to people either because they’re at the wrong place at the wrong time or someone shitty comes into their life and does bad shit to them.
If you fully embrace the whole karma premise then all of chump nation would have to wonder what the hell we did in this life to deserve the horrible treatment given to us by the very people who vowed to love and honor us until death do we part. Karma just doesn’t make sense which is why I don’t believe in it. It’s not a tangible thing.
Wishing, hoping and praying for the karma bus to run over those who have done us wrong puts our energy on exactly the wrong people: Fuckwits! They don’t need anymore free rental space in our heads.
In my humble opinion, it’s impossible to move on if one clings to the hope that there is some cosmic justice out there for all the bad people. This kind of thinking keeps people stuck.
Agree, CS! Karma is misused as “delayed justice.” There’s no “getting even” when we live in a society that treats divorce as anything less than the abuse it is to the chump and the kids. There’s no other “contract” that can be dismissed and assets (and kid custody) divided equally after someone is proven to have violated the terms.
I have to accept that while X and his co-conspirator skank are madly in love with each other (after decimating my and my son’s financial stability and ability to ever trust), they’re in love with loathsome, self-absorbed assholes. They are perfect for each other.
They’re getting married at the end of the month, the day I help move our youngest into his freshman dorm room at college. As my friend remarked, I’m spending the day launching my son into the beginning of adulthood, while their marriage will just be the beginning of another cycle of emotional abuse.
X can’t do anything but hit repeat. God help that cross-eyed skank.
Agreed. The Karma Bus does not come for everyone that deserves it. That hurdle to the land of Meh is the hardest.
I think we have only incomplete knowledge, and we harm ourselves by thinking of the Karma Bus as something public and obvious. OJ got away with murder, but he continues to devolve in every way. We wouldn’t want to be like Dershowitz. We wouldn’t choose to be evil. And I can’t think of anything I’m happier about than not being evil.
I’m going to bet there are a ton of us that no one knows about.
Dersh was a staple on cable TV back when things like OJ were in the news. I didn’t know this story about his wife. What a terrible thing he did to her, to take the kids and her hope. I, too, am obsessed with the Epstein case and the chance that at least this monster will face justice. I read this morning his was found “injured” in his cell. I hope authorities have him on suicide watch, and I hope they keep him away from other inmates. The country needs him to be tried by a jury.
I think the possibility of a Clinton influenced suicide is high….
I can’t even comment on that, other than to say we only know of one politician who has been publicly named in legal documents as someone who raped an underage girl at an Epstein “party.”
I didn’t know the story about his first wife either, so thank you for that CL. I’m following the Epstein case too and don’t really think he’ll make it to trial alive, whether in jail or out. SO many powerful people associated with him would prefer him dead than for them to be named. Jeffrey Epstein DID NOT ACT ALONE!. It took many people to prop this up, from the various pilots of his jets to his ‘madame’ socialite girlfriend Ghislane Maxwell, (Why is she not under arrest?). So much more to come in this story, but I hope JE remains alive and suffering. Death is too good for him. I’m waiting for the document dump and release of video recordings. I want everyone involved in this vile scheme of his to go down with him. The grand jury is still issuing subpoenas, so be patient my friends. Powerful people are shitting bricks right now.
Also, does anybody believe that he tried to ‘choke’ himself with his own hands’?? Is that even possible? (I’ve spent a few interesting minutes trying to figure out this unlikely scenario) Seems the position of the bruises would clearly indicate what happened. It seems like an ‘Arkancide’ attempt to me…
What kimsoverit said. All of it.
I read that Epstein’s girlfriend is in hiding — she fled the country — otherwise she would be in legal trouble.
What is Arkancide? Something to do with Arkansas? Strangle with bed sheets? Someone sneaks in your cell and strangles you?
@QueenMother, “Arkancide” is a term used to refer to the unusually high number of people (I think the number is around 27) associated with the Clinton’s who committed ‘suicide’ or were found murdered or met with some terrible ‘accident’… Google probably has a list.
A trial would be a huge waste of taxpayer dollars, and he might get the wrong verdict due to having a great legal team and friends with influence. I hope he kills himself.
Nopety nope. A trial. And we better see some of the other names brought down. It’s like all of these pedophile scandals. We need to publicly air this rot out of our system.
Yes, LAJ. A surely public trial will be nat’ly watched and bring focus to the horror of pediphiles. And, triply doubly awful with abusers with pockets so deep they need stilts to stand up. A monster like this needs to be shown to the world that, yes, they exist. They can be charming, fun, friendly, loving, even pretty handsome and hey, even wealthy enough to give you a train ride on his own train! These people are the filth of the world and as difficult it may be for witnesses to get on the stand, (I feel bad they have to go through it all again for a court) it’s about time this lifelong pain these victims feel will have justice served. Yep, most of them look just like our neighborhood pals who’s friendly..
I vote for both: the trial then gruesome horrific deaths for the scumbags.
Good point. If ge squeals on his pervert pals, that would be great.
The trial will cost money but that’s money well spent if people get outraged by what Epstein did and how powerful folks enabled him to get away with it.
I don’t know; the thought of him being gnawed by rats slowly kind of appeals.
I have always despised Dershowitz, ever since I was a young girl watching him defend Claus VonBulow who killed his wife Sunny (in my opinion)., and his defense of the Neo-Nazis marching in Skokie, IL — yes, I’m old. I still remember the made-for-TV-movie about Skokie.
I hope Sue haunts him in his dreams.
Yes! The first time I ever heard of him was while watching that movie about it starring … Jeremy Irons? I was a teenager and confused about what it all meant. But it planted a red flag in my mind that never went away.
Yep, Reversal of Fortune was the movie starring Jeremy Irons, you’re correct — I think it was a huge Oscar movie that year ????????????????????????
Daily Mail is your friend.
AD is going down.
Years ago, when I was researching something for my daughter’s school project, I came upon a story of a creepy, adulterring skag that is admired by millions. Theodore Giselle, aka Dr. Seuss. I can’t look at any book or movie of his books without being disgusted.
This story was well hidden in all the stories of his “wonder “. His first wife was ill, he cheated with a family friend, also married. The first wife committed suicide. He married the co cheater, and sent her kids away cause he disliked children. So disgusting. I never say anything about this in real life, but I do avoid the hero worship when I hear it.
Well, not that story about Charles Dickens is much different. His wife was no longer perky enough after having had had 10 (of his) children and she wasn’t happy with him buying expensive jewelry for his 19-year old female ‘friend’. He bribed one of the doctors and tried to incarcerated her in the asylum (she was ‘crazy’, you see) but he didn’t succeed. He did succeed to malign her name and their marriage for the next 150 years.
Ugh, pretty soon I won’t be able to read anything. Or watch anything either.
I am not up on the law but I hope if someone puts their spouse through professional school like the Brodericks, the law takes that into account these days in terms of compensation. I am not sure if the laws were good back in those days of Broderick and Sue Barlach. You know one thing that people who have affairs and such do not recogize is that – yes marriages do breakdown. But spare a thought to the one who is impacted a lot and deal with kindness and generosity. No one wins when one person is pushed to the edge. Did the people not recognize that they were all hammering on Barlach and that she was pushed to the edge? I would have liked to hear from the judge and others – what did they think? Could the judge not said, get counseling and you can have a path to custody? There really are no winners when one someone is treated miserably. And the children suffer – in both the Broderick case and the Barlach case. What happened to Jeanne Baker though she may not have been at fault.
I too am obsessed with the Epstein story, because I believe that each revelation brings an injustice to light, and gives Americans a chance to restore justice.
I feel like this debauchery is what happens when the extremely wealthy are not properly taxed. Maybe their character was weak and low to begin with, their compass did not guide them to exalted endeavors for their wealth, but instead they lost their minds and souls in pursuing every sick thought that popped into their brains.
It’s very interesting that SDNY is becoming the judicial system for every rotten big crime in the U.S., and it’s attorneys and investigators are known for their integrity and professionalism. So there are some heroes for ya, America.
It’s possible that Epstein was pimp to many Pervert Billionaires. Those guys will do anything to stay out of prison. Anything. We chumps know how desperate the self-serving can get, and how they have no conscience to temper their panic. Things could get uglier in America as the wealthy disordered try to stop the pendulum of justice. Here’s what chumps do to preserve stability in your community, use what you’ve learned from your experience with your Cheater-Liar: keep your head down and soldier forward.
Idk, most kids are molested by family members and friends. A child molester can exist in any social strata. He was able to get away with more quantity maybe because he didn’t live in a trailer park. But a perve is a perve; they will find a kid’s camp, a church, date women with young kids, abuse their own kids or nieces and nephews……..
A real issue is that you can rob a bank and get more time in jail than if you abuse a child. Sick and sad. Money seems more important than life long trauma to a victim.
Queen mother,
This has nothing to do with the tax code. If he paid more in taxes he would have been molesting girls in a smaller mansion on a smaller private island, and flying them around in a smaller private jet. His dirty dick would not have stopped because he paid more taxes.
Good people with money do good things with it. Dirty, shitty people with money do dirty, shitty things with it. Sexual fuckedupedness has nothing to do with tax codes.
Epstein has his own island.
I don’t know how many of you know about the mid 1970s Oakland County (Michigan) child killings, which were likely perpetrated by pedophiles, rich ones and their hangers-on. I’m quite certain that massive money buys protection from political scrutiny. The only person ever brought to justice in the Jerry Sandusky matter was Sandusky. Nobody ever looked at the whole “Second Mile” non-profit, and believe me, lots of people were covering up and spinning nonsense so as to make Sandusky look like the lone perpetrator and the D.A. at the time look negligent for not charging him the first time, never mind that the welfare investigator was the one who closed the case. That whole matter, and the fact that the D.A. disappeared without a trace, is another example of how the rich and famous evade justice.
LAJ, “The Children of The Snow” is a documentary series made about those Michigan child murders (I think it’s on Netflix). It is chilling how it was all connected to a web of international pedophiles / child pornography and all the ugliest of humanity. The series investigates this. It is an amazing series because it showcases a lot of dedicated and incredibly brave investigators (amateurs and professionals) who refused to give up and kept going in the face of a lot of obstacles. So while it is a very dark story about the JE’s of the world, it shows the beauty of people too. Recommended.
YES!!! I did see that! I had chills when reading the Epstein stories and the mention of a ‘pedophile island’ because that is how they referred to it in the show I watched. It was the same story – wealthy people abusing young males and it being basically common knowledge in certain circles – and no one paid for any of it. I will be very surprised if Epstein faces and actual punishment because of all the well known wealthy people he could exposed. They will never let that happen.
True, but the tax money could at least be used to help victims if these rich scum paid their fair share. As it is, what help is there? Without money yourself, all you have are the overburdened social services which don’t have enough budget to help a fraction of the people in need.
He’s a scumbag – he’s an expert at manipulating the legal system to get other scumbag’s (and murderes – OJ Simpson for one) out of the jail. Finding out he’s Epsteins freind is no surprise. How any sane female would have anything to do with him (unless they’re a scumbag lawyer too)! The fact that any college would want him on their faculty is disgusting. I’m betting he didn’t even go to his ex-wife’s funeral – only a two legged reptile could anyway. If I was his kid I’d change my name.
So sad for the first wife. LAJ, it is very important to have a separate identity. I lost mine for awhile. But im getting it back day by day.
This is such good news. Know who you are. Be who you are. And know you’re worth.
I look away wrinkle my nose. The Epstein case is just so freaky weird. I don’t even want to understand why they think or do what they do. He and Dersh – they are just more Woody Allen syndrome. Their freak obsessions are just beyond the pale. Give me my home. My garden. A sweet, calm life. Happy children. I despise those who bring their dark sick trash minds into our lives. I hope Justice is served. But they just are sick and I don’t want to hear any of their salacious details.
I’m with you, Trudy. It’s so depressing and so tired. We think it’s new because it’s new information, but this story is as old as history and will be replayed over and over and over. It is nice when justice is served, though. But true justice doesn’t usually come through our Justice System.
Sorry-
Plenty of poor people that abuse every innocent thing in their path.
BABIES, Dogs, horses…
Rich, middle class, lower middle class, upper middle class, dirt poor, female and male.
Sick . Any way you want to slice the tax code.
DEPRAVED.
Mostly the poor end up in prison.
Yeah, he left his underwear on. They were just down around his ankles.
May he be locked up and have a cellmate who smothers him to death with prison issued underwear !
Vile, disgusting man
Good one! You’re probably right too.
It’s just so easy to set up something like that, by winding someone up and winding them up until they lose it. I just can’t believe that people were so accepting of that recording in isolation.
This is horrifying. When I was in law school 28 years ago I naïvely idolized him.
If you search for any information online about Sue Barlach you’ll find almost none. Her life and death have been almost effectively eliminated by sociopath Dershowitz. It literally makes me SICK.
I’m infuriated that her younger SISTER was in on it too. She was killed in a cycling accident in 2011 and I bet she enjoyed sleeping on the pile of money she got for helping out her brother-in-law and screwing over her sister.
Remember, folks: Don’t kill yourself over a fuckwit. Very valuable advice from CL there. The early days were so awful for me, I had some dark thoughts. I climbed out and you can too.
I lived by the motto only marry the person you can’t live without. I did that and now I have to live without him. The man he presented himself to be I fully committed to.
I know that guy wasn’t real and that the cheater sucks. But I am still totally committed to the man I thought I married, even though I know he wasn’t real and can’t come back.
It’s been over a year since finding out and I’m deeper in that dark well than before. That pain has not subsided at all.
I understand the possibility of finding someone else to spend time with, hopefully someone honest that actually does share my values. But, I can’t see how to not be bonded to the man I thought I married.
I’m not explaining this s well. I’m just so freaking tired.
You have explained it perfectly well. I also married a person I “couldn’t live without”. I understand that is not a completely literal statement but I understand the sentiment of it. In over 5 decades of life, I have never felt so deeply for anyone. It took me almost 4 years to finally know and accept the truth of him and what he did. For me, it was very sudden, just a couple weeks ago. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost a year and he came to my house in a very violent state of mind. The police were called and he is legally not allowed onto my property now. I am thankful for that incident because it finally crystallized everything for me. My life is still destroyed though I’ve at least moved on from him. Hopefully you have a friend or two. You sound hopeful that you can have another relationship eventually. Sounds like you will okay in time!
F&I,
One year is not a long time after what you’ve been through. D-day for me was 10/14. It took me way past a year after that to accept my XH was a serial cheater and also a narc/sociopath. I read and watched tons of books and videos. Acceptance was the key to me letting go of who I thought he was. He had me conned for well over 20 years. I’m now working on reframing all the ‘happy’ and ‘fun’ times we had together as a couple and family. One thing I know that is 100% the truth — I was always me. I always showed up as myself. I never faked anything. I never cheated on him. I always tried my best to be honest. I tried my best to be a great wife and mom. He can never ever in a million years say that about himself.
It’s time to change your motto. How about something like, “I want to be the best version of myself for me!” Take the focus off your cheater. A lot of us have been duped. A lot of us married the person who we thought we couldn’t live without/prince charming/mr.perfect for us. For me it was a long con job by the cheater; I’m not sure if the same is true for you. You WILL stop caring. You WILL become unbonded. It takes time. Don’t give up hope! (((HUGS)))
You can break the bond, which as you acknowledge is to someone who doesn’t exits.
See a good therapist who is expert in trauma bonding. You could also try EMDR. I also used imagery. Marianne Williamson (yes, that one) has a book of prayers called “Illuminata,” and one of the prayers is about visualizing cutting the tie to someone who is gone. That worked for me. Morning and night I read the prayer and saw myself cut the cord and let the man I thought he was go. You can do this. I’d start with a therapist.
I’m trying. I’ve been in therapy for a year and am now in the middle of EMDR. I go to the gym, I journal, I vision board. I keep getting up every damn day and going to work so I can keep an income to prove I can keep my share of custody.
It’s just not touching this, and I guess that’s why it’s been extra trips on the struggle bus for me lately. I’m running out of things to do.
F&L,
I hear you. I am two years out and still greatly struggling.
You will be fine!! One year is not very long at all! For me it´s been 4 years since d-day (No. 1) and he left/was kicked out finally last october. I´m just now starting to feel really ok about it all. There´s so much to process, so much grieving to do, so much letting go. Please know that a sweet, sweet freedom lies on the otherside.
I feel for you, it has been the absolute worst event in my life, to let go of 29 years together, a family, a home, a future and the love I thought I had. BUT, the truth and a REAL life that is of my making? That´s the best I´ve ever had in all my 57 years.
Hang tough, turn it over to your higher power, really do that, and the answers you need will come.
A big hug to you!
I’m feeling that way right now. I called into work yet again today after a revelation of another new woman last night. I just don’t know how to stop caring and how to stop feeling. Thanks for your comment, it helped a little bit.
Melissa,
It’s okay to call into work during this time, but if there’s any chance you could lose your job, don’t do it. I thankfully had years of great attendance and being a great employee, that my calling off didn’t hurt me; everyone was very understanding.
One day you won’t care about him and your only feelings towards him will be ‘meh’. You will feel glad he’s out of your life. You married a serial cheater/adulterer. I did too. A lot of us here at CN did too. He’s not a prize. One day you will realize he wasn’t worthy of you. It takes time. I raise my hand up as someone who wanted to end it many times over. I didn’t want to end it because of him leaving me for a ho-worker. It was from all the trauma and losing hope about my future. But I kept on going for my kids. And I’m thankful that I had those two to live for; they saved me even though they don’t know it. Keep going, Melissa. One baby step at a time. Keep coming here every single day. We are all here for you. Don’t kill yourself over a cheating fuckwit. They are not worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Melissa, the pain is finite. Please know you are worth so, so much more than a fuckwit. It’s totally normal to be in a world of pain after a D-Day. It feels like it will go on forever, but I swear, the pain stops and there’s a GOOD life on the other side. You hurt because you’re human and loving and you bonded. Anyone who could hurt you like this doesn’t love you, or “love” you in a healthy way. You didn’t do anything to deserve being cheated on and abused. Not. One. Thing. Sending (((hugs))).
Try to put a firewall between those feelings and your work.
Assign a high number to the “other woman” total. Like 45. A good high number. And you don’t get to be surprised or upset any more till he tops that number. Because, truth is, you already know he’s a jackass and a cheater.
You don’t have to stop “feeling” and “caring.” But you have to stop allowing that to derail your work life. Give yourself time every day to “feel and care,” to grieve, and to work out why STBX/X is no good for you. But when the alarm goes off, put on your game face and go to work. Don’t let him have any more of your life.
While the forums are still up, look at how other chumps have broken the cycle of rumination. There are lots of suggestions. I used yoga, meditation, prayer, exercise (especially boxing), binge-able movies and TV shows (I liked police procedurals because I was craving justice: Law & Order, Blue Bloods, CSI Miami, etc.) I’d add the NCIS shows to that list. Get music playlists for the car. Curate them carefully. You want strength and uplift on the way to work, especially, and maybe stuff in the morning that helps you set your day. I also had sat radio so I listened to a lot of news and talk. Just brain filler. Walking. Setting goals for the house. Cleaning closets. Rearranging furniture. Painting walls. Doing something kind for someone else. Situps. I did 70+ Pinterest boards to re-design my life. And with every new board, every pin, I was reminding myself of my worth.
This will involve will and discipline on your part. There’s an important balance between being smothered & dysfunctional in grief on one end and “everything is fine” robotism on the other end. Feeling the feelings and getting through to the other side of them is pivotal to your long-term recovery. But allowing that to run wild can impact your work and your health. Feel the feelings. You will get to the other side. The intense, crippling pain does not last forever. But you can get a long way toward visualizing a better life if you can put some brakes on it. I pictured putting the pain in a box in the morning and when I turned into the driveway at night, I knew the box of pain was waiting for me. Eventually it went away.
Brilliant LAJ!
Melissa
Do you have a friend or therapist you can call? Please reach out to someone. It’s important that you let someone know how fragile you are. Big hugs.
Absolutely. No person (I dare not say man) is worth killing yourself over. Homicide, maybe (just kidding). Letting them live is the BEST revenge.
I had very dark thoughts too. Heck…he even bought a gun and put it in the house with the mindfuck that I could “protect” myself. But he knew that I was fragile and on the edge, so this was his way of getting me to end things and remove myself from the earth. Gratefully I figured it out and kicked him and the gun out!
The most important lesson here is DO NOT LET THESE FUCKWITS DRIVE YOU TO SUICIDE. All the poor spouses of these entitled, narcissistic sociopaths who succumbed to grief before someone could offer them support.
Dershowitz’s first wife must have reached out to her sister, who sided with Dershowitz. Keep seeking support–someone will eventually offer a lifeline. My heart aches for the people who, after years of abuse, opted for suicide rather than think, “My abuser will NOT defeat me.”
How long are people supposed to keep living a truly shitty life? From the timeline in the story, AD ex wife tried for about a decade. How long is a person supposed to live with being shunned by people? There are very few people interested in a divorced middle aged woman for a friend or partner. At this stage, people have already found their tribe. I used to be so afraid to die. Not afraid any more. If I had cancer, I wouldn’t treat it no matter how good the prognosis might be. I don’t have kids. How many years is someone supposed to go with not one person giving a fuck? Nobody to talk with about my past and to know me and like me. Nobody to call if I lock myself out or my car breaks down or even to share something positive. This isn’t living and nobody can do this forever.
There needs to be a Sue Barlach Center for Abused People somewhere in this lopsided, might makes right world. 🙁
My ex poisoned my kids against me. It almost did me in. But I would give NO one the satisfaction of that. But I can understand her desperation. I really CAN. Sadly if you do yourself in the rat bastards can tell people ‘see, she was unstable, just like I told everyone.’
I loooove watching the Epstein case as well. A night or two in substandard jail conditions and he was crying for momma. He’s as creepy a predator as they come. And a lot of famous creepers are his ‘friends.’ A pig, total degenerate pig. Worse than a pig. Pigs don’t manipulate and groom kids for their own sick lusts.
The Epstein story isn’t only about abuse of power over the powerless, but privilege. You take your average Joe that might get pulled over with unpaid parking tickets, and that person might have a bench warrant out over said tickets, and goes directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, “should’ve made better life choices” Ms. Single Mom driving a 1986 Toyota with a low-paying job. Conversely, you take someone from the upper crust like Epstein, and he gets the best legal representation money can buy, and worms his way out of any meaningful punishment for actually hurting people on a scale most people cannot fathom. He’s still the darling of the elite, and any twisted rich SOB can visit his still-illegal fuck palace resort as easily as going to Disneyland.
Privileged people buy their way of of consequences, even for the most egregious crimes, a luxury most of us cannot afford. In this case, it appears Epstein’s lawyer may be just as disgusting as Epstein himself. Like the old hair restoration infomercial, “I’m not just his attorney, but a client!” Talk about vigorous representation, there’s added incentive now.
For all the chumps out there whose spouse/S/O frequented prostitutes, who discovered caches of underage porn, who were shellshocked after discovering their beloved led a disturbing double life dicking The Strange, I hope Epstein sings like a canary to save his own worthless hide. Whether it’s ex-presidents or the current, CEOs, talk radio hosts, sports heroes – they all deserve to be outed and tried at least in the court of public opinion, where money doesn’t buy them a favorable outcome.
Personally, I don’t believe in karma anymore. I believe those who leverage the system best go unscathed. They buy time, they buy friends, they keep their careers, their reputation, the kids, and the McMansion on the hill. They buy their way out of consequences. But the Epstein case at least presents the opportunity for comeuppance, and when it comes, it’s delicious.
But under all that glamour is the rot.
My XW is a covert narcissist/BPD. After the amount of abuse I experienced, I attempted suicide and was hospitalized twice. But I learned skills. When I found out about her multiple affairs and that my oldest wasn’t even mine I had the skills to deal with that. I filed for divorce 3 1/2 weeks later. I grew mighty. I understand Sue, she didn’t have a support network. I feel bad for her. I know of others who committed suicide after finding out their spouse cheated on them. I am STILL mad that I could of died because of the abuse I received. That I could have died because of HER, my XW!!!
Agreed Sirchumpalot; people with no support system suffer egregiously at the hands of the disordered. May they find CL and CN for support. Thank God you grew mighty and left that bitch in the dust!
Too right he is an evil piece of shit. Her parents emigrated from Poland and I don’t know if they were intimidated into silence when this was happening (…her father
Bernard Barlach and her mother Ruth Feldman, were noted to be from Poland). Alan and Sue were married in June 21, 1959.
DERSHOWITZ’ FIRST WIFE SUE BARLACH: VICTIM OF TRAGIC DOMESTIC ABUSE, DIVORCE, STRIPPED OF CUSTODY OF HER CHILDREN AND HER SUBSEQUENT SUICIDE
The article by Morales details the alleged events surrounding the apparent
suicide by Sue Barlach, who had been divorced by Dershowitz after she endured
a beating by Alan Dershowitz, after which she required hospitalization. Soon
after, Dershowitz stripped Barlach of custody of their two sons, according to
several sources who wish to remain anonymous due to the highly litigious and
vindictive nature of Alan Dershowitz. Dershowitz then obtained a divorce from
Sue Barlach in 1975. The beating incident allegedly happened after Barlach,
upon learning of an extramarital affair that Dershowitz was having, scattered
some of his important case documents in the wind.
An original source named in the article by Morales is a San Francisco-based
lawyer who has since recanted that he ever said or knew anything about
Dershowitz and his first wife, and he pleaded with Rense.com to delete the
story, which is what subsequently happened. It’s very possible he
inadvertently spilled the beans about Dershowitz to a source whom he never
thought would spread the word about Dershowitz’s spousal abuse and the
subsequent events after that. Of course it’s possible he never discussed
Dershowitz and his first wife with anyone at all. The fact is that the news
had broke ground on the internet to make way for further investigation.
BARLACH, BERNARD, 87, of Bayonne on June 21, 2005. Beloved husband of Ruth (nee Feldman), Devoted father of Marilyn Dershowitz of NYC and the late Sue, Adored grandfather of Elon, Jamin, Adam & Rana and great-grandfather of Lorin, Lyle & Zara.
BARLACH–Ruth, died peacefully at the age of 97 on October 19, 2015 in Bayonne, NJ. Wife of the late Bernard. An avid tennis and Scrabble player into her late 80s. Mother of Sue and Marilyn Dershowitz. Grandmother of four and great grandmother of six. She will be missed.
Every day I am dumbfounded at the depravity and twisted thinking in the news headlines. Has the world lost its’ MIND?
These “masseuses” were 13, 14 and 15 year old children shuttled around for the soul purpose of child prostitution.
Flaming turd does not begin to describe these people.
Which goes to show…Writers and investigative journalist need to be compensated. Imagine not having a fully employed professional journalist like Julie Brown.
God bless the Miami Herald and her editors. I subscribed, just to read the Epstein coverage and to say thank you.
This reminds me of another high profile case which over here on the other side of the world is more prevalent in the media. Cardinal George Pell.
I like to think that with each exposure, the narrative shifts slightly toward a healthier perspective. There is an increase in valid outrage that becomes stronger in society. General folk are more likely to speak up. People review their position and acknowledge the damage more readily. Support systems emerge and are more available.
That we can talk about this openly, gives me hope. It’s a sign that there is a shift. Just like the abolishment of slavery, the fall of Hitler and the rise of the suffragettes. We live in changing times, and I believe we are on the “right” side of the fence.
Thank you Tracey! CN rises up!!
I have to laugh at the oft-used “I had no recollection” defense. Why do Chumps even entertain such nonsense? The last time my Ex ran that one by me, I literally laughed in his face. True to his narcissistic form, his head exploded. Made me laugh even harder…. I HATE men like Alan D.! I’m convinced my Ex spends inordinate amounts of time coming up with new ways to “get even” for my mightiness in divorcing his Lameness. He is mentally ill. I wish I could have recognized his charm for what it was: ABUSE.
Not the same story, but what about Joey Buttafouco who got involved with an underage girl (17). She goes over to the marital house and his wife unknowingly answers the door to get shot in the face by the AP! She apparently knew nothing about the affair. That is a swell way to find out!
In 2010, she released a book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull: Why I Stayed, What I Learned, and What Millions of People Involved with Sociopaths Need to Know.
She still grapples with her injuries: she is partially paralyzed on one side of her face and deaf in one ear. Because surgery would have been too dangerous, the bullet remains lodged in her neck.
I do find it interesting that the New Yorker does not quote directly any of the tapes.
Someone mentioned that Barney Frank may have known Sue Barlach when she was single and possibly while married. Overlapping social circles in Bayonne, NJ and MA.
It would be amazing if he were to talk about her IF he knew her. That poor woman was crushed by the Dershowitz family (I include her sister Marilyn) for giggles.
Speaking of secret ex-wives, Christopher Kimball has two ex-wives. Who preceded Adrienne?
I tried pasting the relevant section but it was probably going to be a sea of gobblydegook. Page 25. a biography about Barney Franks published in 2009.
Also, he has not been mentioned in this thread so far but we should all be looking forward to R.Kelly finally facing the music. Pun intended.
To add the the garbage heap that is Alan Dershoshitz, you should check out his book from decades ago The Abuse Excuse (do NOT give him a penny; get it from the library if you can!).
In it, and his chapter on rape, he proclaims that women’s accusations of rape that go “unfounded” mean they are LIARS. That an acclaimed attorney, supposedly a bastion of logic and reason, can make this egregious leap really highlights his defunct moral compass. Almost like his misdeeds back then made him feel the need for a pro-active defense, in writing. Rape cases, unlike most other crimes, inherently have so many unfounded claims due to he-said-she-said, lack of evidence if rape kit is not performed right away, fear of reprisals, etc. THIS IS NOT PROOF OF LIES, ya sick fuck. Oh, ‘scuze me, can’t conceal my hatred for this scum and his phony smug smile. Also, am disgusted with his justifications & pleas for johns to avoid prosecution by saying prostitutes should bear the full brunt of punishment of this crime, viewing it as a cost of doing business, while the john should go free without injury to their reputation because they were simply seeking to “taste the forbidden fruit”…after all what’s more natural than that?!?
I’ll just put this Freudian Slip right here:
https://youtu.be/r1LdtQiLvaY