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Grieving the Affair Partner and Other BS

cakeHere’s a Reconciliation Industrial Complex trope that can die in ignominy — chumps being patient as their cheater “grieves” the affair partner. Ain’t that special?

What sort of quack gives license to the mope-fest that is the tragic loss of cake?

“Oh, if you reconcile, you must show love and understanding to your partner right now. He’s mourning the loss of Cindy. No more weekend fuckfests at the Motel 8. No more furtive texting on their secret phones. Alas, it’s the end of “working late” together. Listen, it was a real thing, this love predicated on deceiving you. It’s going to be an adjustment as Ray copes with the monotony of your life together. The grim resignation of monogamy… to you. The psychic pain of attending your children’s holiday choral ensembles instead of an evening spent fucking Cindy. This will take some time. You need to be there for him.”

Does this advice work in multiples, I wonder? “No, it’s a very difficult thing to grieve the loss of 17 Thai prostitutes. There are stages of grief.”

Could reconciliation look any less appealing if it requires holding your cheater’s hand through their break up?  To do this acknowledges that yes, you ARE the consolation prize. Plan Omega. Last choice, embraced with resignation and resentment.

Hey, chump — you better make it worth it. You better dance that “pick me” dance and dance it good. You know, to make up for the appalling injustice of life without cake. Assess your cheater’s mood each day. Do they seem happy? Did you fluff the pillows this morning? Are you eager to have sex with someone who’s imagining it with someone else? No? Well, chumps, you need to fake it til you make it! Look, your cheater is HERE. That means SOMETHING doesn’t it?

Generally, it means they’re pissed off. Sulky. Snippy. Every bit as entitled. Somebody pulled rank! Somebody ALMOST imposed a consequence on them like divorce, can you imagine? Somebody is acting like the boss of them, and they don’t have to kiss your ass and take it.

Fine, you want cooperation? I forgot to do my therapy homework. Oops, I broke your favorite coffee mug. Did I neglect to mention those facebook messages? Can’t a person have some PRIVACY? You’re just punishing!

Okay, there must be some folks out there who get with the program right away and lose their taste for cake immediately and are happy about it. Haven’t heard of many. And to think there are shrinks out there encouraging this entitled nonsense tells me they don’t put much value on a chump’s perspective.

Should Bernie Madoff’s victims be asked to understand that his reduced lifestyle in prison is very hard on him? Perhaps they could bake him some cookies? Of course in this scenario, investors would be encouraged to continue some sort of relationship with the person who defrauded them. Which is ridiculous.

Unless you’re talking about infidelity. In which case, apparently, it’s perfectly acceptable. Encouraged even.

This column ran previously. Is the RIC dead yet? I’d help grieve that.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Its some sort of emotionally hell, my ex asked me to share him, no. He asked me to feel sorry for her, no, she picked ex over her kids, drank, drugs. Thought nothing if stealing for drugs, alcohol for their habit’s. Incidentally she still has the same behaviour nearly 7 years on. We split up 7 years ago, she still is after the sympathy vote, she can fuck off. they even lied about her being abused as a child, I was abused as a child, how shit can you be.

  • I truly hope this has interfered with Perel and “Friends” business model. May more and more chumps rise up and tell her she is full of shit, adultery is abuse and you aren’t going to take it anymore – preferably on their cheating partner/spouse’s dime.

  • First!
    And also, my Dad did this to my Mom. He would go on and on about women he found desirable, and always circled back to, “But in a former life I think I hurt her, and my karma in this life is to live with her the way she is.” That’s a direct quote. He was so freakin special he couldn’t let my Mom go to find someone who actually loves her. In high school, I couldn’t understand the blind rage this provoked but I sure get it now.

    • The noble sausage aspect of that is infuriating. He as much as says she’s faulty but that because he’s such a big person–notice the weasel words “I think I hurt her” rather than the truth “my actions were hurtful”– he’s condemned himself to live with her. Pity poor him. Not.

  • The more i read this the more i am glad i had a complete and utter runaway !!

    The thing i can’t understand about this is even if you had a chance at RIC why does the cheater not grieve the spouse ?

    They MUST know there is a chance the faithful spouse will find out and leave but there seems to be no grief for that only the OW/OM

    Even when the faithful spouse leaves or is left there is still no grief from the cheater but are devastated if dumped by AP – I just don’t get it

    • Yeah, I kept hoping that my ex would change because he would lose the best thing that ever happened to him, and then when I did leave, I spent several years being disappointed that even my leaving seemed to have no effect on his behavior, the only thing he seemed to care about was the house, keeping the house. He doesn’t have the capacity to grieve the loss of me, only the “me” that was useful to him, that maintained the image of a stable and successful marriage. When I left, he had already formed another relationship and was cheating on that person. He makes sure he has a tool where ever he spends time. The absolute necessity for a tool, any tool, and frequently more than one at a time, in his life is the disease state he exists in. My dad did the same thing to my mom, she booted him and he is happily remarried to a (tool) woman who is absolutely clueless (or is in denial) about his unexplained absences, his arrest for soliciting sex in a truck stop, his weird fender benders that he doesn’t want to call insurance about (because he was not where he was supposed to be…), his online presence, etc. He is in his 80’s now, but he is still hooking up with other men. SMH….

      • They never change… my cheater-pedophile dad died when he was 43 so I never got to see his narcissistic acts in his geriatric years. Thank god I was spared that disgusting side show. However, my cheater mom is still trying to attract side pieces in her late 70s! Her much younger drug addict husband has beginning of dementia now and both have been in the hospital— some weird dude (my age!) came to flirt with her at her bedside. Sickening.

      • My Ex DID realize, within months of my FINALLY leaving him (when I discovered Affair #2 after wreckonciling for years), that he’d lost some very good things indeed. Not only me (and my bending over backwards to try to make him happy), but the family life w/our kids (and my bending over backwards to make being a dad easy and pleasant for him), our home, friends, extended family connections ….all of which I was making easy and pleasant for him,

        So when he realized he liked it better when he had the great wife appliance and all she provided, he started hoovering. Hoovered off and on for 2 years.

        But when I wouldn’t ‘try again’, was he contrite, regretful? Did he recognize HE had thrown away such good stuff?

        Nooooooo, of course not. He was PISSED that I wouldn’t take him back, angry that I expected him to still pay to support the kids.

        And of course, the kids had expected him to still parent. When that so didn’t happen, again and again and again, they distanced from him. Was he contrite, regretful? Did he recognize that HE had thrown away those relationships, too?

        Noooooo, of course not. He was PISSED. Then realized he was really up the creek (wives are easier to replace than kids, it turns out. Especially if you don’t want to, you know, be a parent ….). Agreed to family therapy w/the kids. Got a half of a clue, there, of why they were so angry w/him. Swore to change. And within a couple of months, was DEMANDING that the kids go back to loving and adoring and trusting him and spending tons of time with him.

        And then was PISSED when they didn’t. (IAnd convinced that was all my fault, of course!)

        Sigh.

        Even when they realize what they’ve lost, they don’t deal w/that like adults, but like the selfish , entitled toddlers they are.

    • No, they don’t think there’s a chance of losing the spouse. The spouse is a thing. Your couch isn’t going to walk out on you is it?

        • My ex (5 years past dday and now in a green card marriage with one of his OW who is 25 years his junior) is finally grieving! Not for me. For our kids, who are now 15 and 17, live only with me, and who don’t have the time of day for him. He left us with a group text when they were in middle school, then promptly moved out of town so he could date more easily. He has been mostly absent from their lives for all of these years. While discussing parenting logistics/financial details about college yesterday, he started a sad sausage rant about how they have cut him out of their lives……Implied that my anger at his multiple affairs has caused him to leave and therefore lose his kids. I knew I’d come a long way when I was able to say “I’m pretty sure that you are the one who broke our marriage vows and left them, gotta go, time for dinner.” And hung up. It’s always always about them. And never their fault. So happy to be free!

          • He has come to the realization that he may not have a nurse with a purse to take care of him as he ages. And he has also realized that children can function in this capacity. Oh damn, he didn’t think of that when he blew his bridges with them. And now its all your fault! You heartless chump! (Don’t ‘cha just love the Karma of unintended consequences?)

            • Neither my ex-husband nor last ex-boyfriend want to return to me for ‘nurse with a purse’ as I am now an old welfare mother in spite of working three jobs, and they have attractive, young, intelligent, and extremely successful (wealthy) new partners (girlfriend and second wife, respectively). I guess that the silver lining in the cloud is no ‘new’ creeps are trying to hook up with me for ‘nurse with a purse,’ only sex—no thanks. A lot of the creeps aren’t trying to hook up with me for any reason—I wonder if I am ugly or unattractive in other ways.

              • Hi RSW,

                I have often read your posts and thought how much I understand where you’re coming from. It’s really hard to watch these arseholes who abandon us and their children from a place where we are just struggling to survive.
                No home in the divorce, no half of a retirement fund for holidays with kids, just a really hard slog, working to pay bills and hardly even that.
                I feel like it is so unfair that we chumps, who do the right thing, have the hardest road to walk.
                I don’t think this world or this life is fair but I do know that your kids need someone who genuinely cares for them in their lives, as do mine. Let’s hang in there together..don’t give up, my friend.

              • Maybe the creeps aren’t trying to hook up with you because they realize you’re not that gullible.

      • Kelly P: “No, they don’t think there’s a chance of losing the spouse. The spouse is a thing. Your couch isn’t going to walk out on you is it?”

        This one hit pretty damn close to bulls-eye.
        I *know* I caught him off guard, didn’t give him a chance to ‘splain’ why he did what he did. Kicked him out of the house, 36 yrs married, giving up all my close family..and getting away with changing the locks, illegally, but he was damn afraid of my anger (my best defensive).

        It makes me very happy that he’ll never, ever meet somebody as wonderful as I.
        And, I’ll never be treated like a couch again!

        It gives me great satisfaction to finally spend (1/2) his hoarded money by . . . drum roll..giving it away. I did resent it, so that’s why and it makes me happy.

    • My cheater was handed the reason why by our couples therapist…. he’d already “grieved” the loss of me, his wife, years ago (but somehow forgot to tell me), so that gave him permission to commit adultery. Couples therapist also handed him the “grieving the affair partner” excuse as well, which he lapped right up. Come to find out that he’d never stopped fucking AP at all…. even while we were in therapy. The couples therapist essentially aided his abuse. Appalling. 😐

      • OMG are we everyone’s doormat -even the therapist? Should this be in wedding vows – “if I’m betrayed, I promise to continue to be treated like a piece of shit.” I’m also really really bothered by the term affair partner. Why aren’t they called cheating partners? Sounds like a lot of them are even married themselves, but regardless. There must be some chump who can start doing TEDTalks -I mean ideally that would be CL-, or writing Huffington post articles on the bullshit of what this narrative is. There is just way way way too much stuff out there that speaks to the crisis that the cheater is in. This kept me in a very bad place for several months until I found CL‘s site. Where is the support for the people who are devastated beyond belief from being betrayed and left by somebody they loved. The cheaters gets excepted by their family, their friends and coworkers because they do the pity party dance for those who like them and people accept cheating -as long as it didn’t happen to them. The recovery is brutal when your cheater is a people pleaser who everyone thinks is a fantastic person. He still comes over to help out even though he’s left me for his cheating partner. NC is around the corner – as soon as our family home is sold and the endless jobs are taken care of.

          • Very true. I know two women. One was cheated on, ex was textbook CN type (entitled narcissist). Poor her, bad ex. The other one was OW. The same people as in the first case love him and no problem with her because the wife was so controlling (that for like 3 years he was able to spend almost every entire weekend with OW) and he only stayed for the children (even though he didn’t spend much time with them because he was spending it with OW). But don’t pay attention to me, I’m such a moralist.

        • great points, Zip!

          i hadn’t ever really thought about it like this, but it’s so true

          & when combined with how our society

          is quite fearful of judging anyone without a clear profit motive

          …we’ve got a recipe for everyone intentionally looking the other way

          out of some kind of weakly-justified cowardice

          powered by “there are two sides to every story”

          as i’ve had to explain to several folks who got crabby

          when i made it very clear that in my mind, ALL cheaters are EQUALLY scummy

          them: “i’m really not comfortable with that statement”

          me: “and i am comfortable with that”

      • Magically, SAME!

        That is exactly what our therapist said: “He’s already grieved the marriage”, “be kind to him in his time of loss for his AP”. Oh with the added cherry on top bonus of: “You need to look at how you contributed to your husbands affair.”

        I’m so f’ing broken from RIC therapy BS.

        • During our single marriage counseling session, I also got the “your spouse has already grieved the marriage” line from the counselor. It was actually useful, as XW had been very angry with me because – weeks after she’d blown up our marriage – I wasn’t seeing what a “great opportunity” this was for everyone, and was still hesitant to give up on our 3 kids and 17-year marriage. The line didn’t have much effect on me, since it was already pretty clear from XW’s complete lack of affect that she had long checked out of the marriage, but XW did accept the professional’s opinion that I would need some time to catch up to her in the process. This (plus her leaving me) gave me couple months’ breathing room to get organized before I filed. Though, come to think of it, XW couldn’t have pushed the process along any faster anyway as we’d only just moved a few weeks earlier and we had to wait for 6 month residency before anyone could file.

          Anyway, I interpret “(s)he’s already grieved the marriage” as a politer version of “your spouse isn’t upset because (s)he checked out of your marriage long ago, and just forgot to tell you about it” – which I think is pretty accurate in most of these cases.

        • And my ex actually said that I shouldn’t be mad at his new girlfriend because she feels so bad for breaking up our marriage and family.

          Can you even believe that???

      • We each talked to the therapist separately then had one therapy session together. Cheater and I walk in and sit down next to each other, then out of character, cheater begins to rub my shoulders. Cheater while rubbing my shoulders, says to the therapist, isn’t she beautiful? she’s beautiful…, therapist nods, then looks at me and says I need to appreciate cheater and that I’m very fortunate to have someone who loves me this much, oh and I should pay attention to Cheater and not drink so much. Never asks me if I drank. If it were true, then Cheating is acceptable? There’s always the assumption that Chumps are responsible and have failed, leaving the Chump feeling ashamed and humiliated. Cheaters get treated as the victim. Poor guy, he wouldn’t have had to Cheat if Chump didn’t have that second glass of wine, wasn’t such a prude, and knew how to load a dishwasher the correct way.
        End of session, as we were walking out Cheater and therapist chatted about baseball.
        Cheater was so pleased with his performance, when we got back to the car he burst out laughing.

      • Good grief. We’re victimized for yeara by our spouses, then re-victimized by therapists, the legal system, switzerland friends, inlaws, etc. It seems the only place of sanity is CL & CN! (I didn’t discover CN until several years after my divorce. It’s no wonder I lost my marbles completely just trying to survive all that insanity!)

      • Oh yeah, my ex-dingdong’s therapist all but gave him a book of excuses. It was all “you have to forgive yourself because she wasn’t giving you what you needed,” and “she needs to understand she bears culpability in this as well,” and the kicker, “her anger is like a pinball game and she just needs to run out of quarters.” What a quack. Makes me mad just thinking about how many people this guy has harmed.

          • Yes! And it’s really unfortunate that some of the misogynistic justifiers of spouse abuse are women. They better hope they’re never on the receiving end of needing to take their own advice…

      • Yep same here. I never got the memo or an honest conversation about how he was feeling, or maybe we should separate/divorce etc. I kept encouraging us to seek marriage counseling for our communication issues and he refused then eventually agreed but made me do all the planning only to discover our insurance didn’t cover couples therapy. So I started individual counseling in which we could have some joint sessions that never happened. While I was fighting for our marriage he was screwing his married howorker and finally stopped gaslighting me after 1 year and he confessed to said affair in his discard of me. 4 days later I filed for divorce and now about 8 months later, our divorce was finalized today. He was a bit of a sad sausage in court today. He’s a pitiful man who abandoned his family for a woman who hasn’t even filed for divorce from her husband. So happy to be fuckwit free!

    • The reason that they grieve the Affair Partner is that the cheater was not yet ready to give him/her up before being forced to do so. In my case, the cheater had to give up his skank or else I was going through with a divorce (the first time — and I should have!!!) In order to stay married to me, the condition was that he never have anything more to do with her. She was cake. Since giving up cake was on my terms, not his terms, he grieved the loss of cake. When I found out later that he just postponed cake (and not for very long at that), I divorced him. Since he had already given me up, he didn’t grieve me. However, I’m POSITIVE he grieved my income, the house, and anything else he had to give up (that made him feel “special”), but he certainly didn’t grieve me. Well now he and the skank are married, and from what I hear, the skank is getting fed up with much of his shenanigans. And more than likely, he’s already out scouring for another replacement that “understands him” and “appreciates him”. And if the day comes that he leaves the skank, he won’t grieve her absence just like he didn’t grieve me. They only grieve the loss of something that makes them feel “special”. When that’s “special-ness” is used up, then there’s nothing left to grieve. As for children, as long as children make them feel special, they will grieve the loss of their children. But if a child ever calls a despicable parent out on his/her bullshit, well…, the cheater won’t grieve the ‘loss of the child’, only the ‘loss of the feeling of being “special” that the child offers. And that’s when the cheater will accuse the chump of turning the kids against the cheater.

      • My Ex has had 4 twu lurv, ‘long-term, committed relationships’ that I know of. I’m betting there’s been at least one more since the last girlfriend that I know about turfed him (after they moved in together, then he left his job and the country to move to her home country and start a business with her). It’s been over a year, and he DOES NOT do ‘alone’ for more than a week or so (overlap is best, for him!).

        I wonder if at any point he will start to figure out that there is a common denominator in all those failed relationships? He’s starting to cycle through them faster, too. Don’t know if that’s because his entitled negativity is getting worse, or because women get smarter as they age ….

  • I fell for this shit and encouraged my ex to grieve his loss. What loss, exactly? He used the opportunity to find more men to have sex with, which he was doing while he was with his long term affair partner. So the loss was really only of someone else to cheat on, another tool, which he quickly replaced. Meh.

  • The skank cheated on my ex after about 3 years and he was devastated. I honestly don’t think he loved her but was just appalled that she could do the unthinkable and cheat on him. And when he was telling me this he was looking at me like I should share his outrage. I just laughed and walked off!

    • Maybe he expected you to not only share his outrage, but burst into relieved sobs, grab him and beg him to come home with you.

      All the more reason your laughter burned him like hydrofluoric acid.

    • Gotta love karma. I am really hoping the same happens to my stbx. Although we won’t have kids keeping us in contact, so I probably won’t know about it if it does.

  • Yeah this is one of the more horrific memories I have from my three year RIC driven wreckconciliation.

    It was the evening after the ex met OW for lunch to “break up with her.” I got to hear all about how they both cried and she tearfully asked him why he thought anything would be different about our so called horrible marriage if he went back to me.

    It still makes me cringe. Not the content of the conversation but the fact that I listened and tried to sympathize (per instructions of RIC marriage counselor), instead of creasing his forehead with a sharp object.

    Blech! So glad I’m out of that circus!!

    • Yup, me too.

      Two days after confronting KK and the Carrot Singer in my driveway, the two of us sat in a Starbucks waiting for our couples therapy session to start. She was very quiet and seemed reflective, which I of course misinterpreted as meaning that she finally realized the extent and severity of her betrayal.

      When I asked what she was thinking about, she replied: “I really feel bad about how things ended with CS.”

      If I wasn’t still in the haze of coming to grips with what was happening right in front of me (and in a panic about the possible break up of our family), I might have seen that comment for what it actually was, stood up and said: “Fine. That right there says all I need to know about what’s important to you. Don’t bother coming home.”

      Instead, I lasted another week — and stood by while she met up with the BDSM chum “just to talk about things” — before witnessing her encourage yet another potential fuckbuddy to have a meet-up with her.

      Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

    • Yes. It is painful to watch them being so concerned for the feelings of the affair partners as if they are the ones who were betrayed by the wandering spouse. That’s stupid. They lost their right to not get hurt the moment they decided that fucking somebody else’s spouse was an acceptable thing to do. Fuck their “feelings”.

      • Chumpinrecovery,
        I ask myself, years later, what kind of person was I that I said to him, “Yes, you will have to talk it over with her. Yes, it is not fair to her.” I said this when he said, it was not fair to her to just live with her. He would need a divorce. He would need to marry her.
        At DDay time I was devastated, I believed I loved him with all of my heart and would do whatever I had to do ( or say) to keep him from leaving. AKA the pick me dance.
        I never for one moment thought about what was fair to me, and our tiny child and child to be.

        This is just a part of what makes DDay so very painful and unforgettable to a Chump.
        Chumps have a heart.
        Cheaters lack one!

        Big sigh.

        Love to all Chumps!
        Read CL, go in the direction she and CN point you toward!
        Don’t be me!

        • You’ll reach Meh! I assure you! Now when I think of even seeing the dick (like at a wedding reception coming up in May), I can’t help but think of how repulsive he is. He’s still handsome and charming but has the soul of a complete and total ass. Yuck!! I’ll probably visibly shudder when I catch a glimpse. I will try my hardest NOT to look his way.

          • Ditto about now finding him absolutely repulsive! I used to find him to be cute with dreamy blue eyes. (Just thinking that once upon a time that’s what I saw/thought makes me want to vomit!) Now all I see is an ugly middle aged man with a blackened soul oozing out & shark eyes. From the 2nd &blast Dday on, I knew I’d never ever again even think about touching him with a 10 foot pole! Totally disgusted by that thought now. How could I have been married to this swamp creature for 16 long years?! The answer to that completley escaped me now.

      • My h was so worried about the stuff the CL hooker left in OUR car ( she seemed like a nice girl and he knew how painful it is to redo drivers license etc) that he drove next day ( missing work) to return her cell, wallet etc.
        Such a dick…

        During a fuck / meeting I was taking care of our children… the next day- I missed my gym class ( he had a meeting at work)
        🤮

    • I’ve NEVER felt as alone in my life as I did when I was sitting in that couples therapy session listening to cheater “grieve” his affair partner right after he dropped the bomb he was cheating. The therapist was feeding him kibbles and he was valiantly trying to squeeze out a tear. I felt so alone and invisible that I wished the gates of hell would open up and swallow me whole. The couples therapist did actual damage that day….I have flashbacks to her comforting cheater and me saying I accepted my “part” in his affair. RIC bullshit is yet another turd sandwich betrayed spouses are expected to swallow after dining at the all you can eat bullshit buffet laid out by the cheater for so long. It hurts like hell, but I guess I was lucky my cheater ran and didn’t even attempt wreckonciliation.

  • I agree. Diets (of Monogamy & honesty) don’t work. For cheaters they are Temporary What is required is a whole lifestyle change, or the cheater to have a personality change, which I fear is just another mythical Unicorn.

  • It is normal to feel attracted to other people.

    In marriage we make a commitment not to act on it. To forsake all others.

    Why?

    Because FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS.

    A child feels love for a teddy bear. An inanimate object. The child’s feelings come from the child. Any chump here with a child has seen this attachment children have with objects like blankets and stuffed animals.

    When you act on your feelings, you are growing the relationship. When you have sex with someone, your body is generating bonding hormones. When a person is having an affair, they are watering the neighbor’s garden instead of their own. Of course their own garden dies. From neglect.

    If you treat your old partner like a new partner, you’ll have a new partner and you won’t need to go looking for a new partner.

    I am sure the grief a person feels for ending a relationship with someone they cheated with is real, but hell if I am going to stay in a relationship with someone who created that situation. That grief came from acting toward someone else how they should have been acting toward ME.
    The initial high of a romantic attachment ALWAYS ends. The challenge of a long term relationship is to keep tending the garden. That’s where the deep and lasting rewards are. That’s where real and true love is. Sadly, too many people neglect their gardens and quit before the miracle, chasing that high of new. They think true love is in the other person, when it is really inside ourselves and is generated by our actions toward another.

    Cheaters think the relationship “just happened”. No, the feelings they have came from their acting on that attraction to another person. They think if they feel attracted to someone that means they have to act on it. They don’t understand that feelings die with neglect.

    It’s better to be by myself than be the study partner of a Relationship School flunkie. If there is a next time, I want an honor roll student.

    • Velvet Hammer such a great post. It intercepted a moment of nostalgia I was having of my wedding day & the wasband. Reality check. Feelings do die from neglect. Marriages die from neglect. When a person chooses to bond with someone else apart from their spouse the relationship with their spouse is harmed & diminishes. Sex is intimacy with another person and facilitates bonding. It is always a choice. Non communication is the only way for us to heal.

    • Thank you, VH. What a great post. I’m a Rose, the skank is a weed. Cheater gets what he deserves.

  • So many times I get booted off the blog as I am replying, by someone else posting! Does this happen to anyone else? It happened today…..grrrr!

    If my coffee is working, I remember to craft my reply in an email, copy it, and paste it here when I am finished.

    This time my re-write turned out better than the original. I have to remember that the original manuscript of Moby Dick went down in a shipwreck and Herman Melville had to start from scratch….

  • This is what gave me the strength to let go. I realized that if he did stay with me it would be for all of the wrong reasons and I would spend the rest of my life trying to make him not regret that decision. I didn’t know there was a name for that, pick me dancing, but I knew I didn’t want to live that way. Of course I still smoked the hopium for a while thinking he would eventually get his head out of his ass, er, come to his senses and come home, but I was at least done with actively trying to make that happen. If it happed I wanted it to be because he remembered that I was the best thing that ever happened to him not out of some sense of obligation. That never happened. Now it is too late, but I still secretly hope that he does sometimes regret what he lost. If he does feel that way he would never admit it to anyone, however, least of all me. In any case, I would rather be the one he lost than be the one he is stuck with.

    • Chump, I believe I read on this site if someone has to choose between you and someone else, always point them in the other direction. You won’t be their source of regret, blame, or disappointment later. So true!

  • The fact that cheaters think they deserve sympathy when ending an affair says SO MUCH about their horrible entitlement issues. Oh, I blew up your life? Feel sorry for ME as I lovingly say goodbye to the sticks of dynamite!!!
    My ex would mope and sigh and say he was “struggling” as I was working, taking care of everyone and everything AND frantically pick-me dancing. Yeah, poor him. He left, spent 100K of his girlfriend’s money on a divorce, then got kicked out less than 2 years later when she found out he was cheating. She was a much faster learner than I was ha ha.
    Anyway, any sympathy we might have should NOT go to the perpetrators. Take that energy and take care of yourself!

    • Thank you Bossy….you made me laugh with that “sticks of dynamite” line.

      ❤️❤️❤️

    • I just finished listening to “The Sociopath Next Door” heard about here on CN. One standout remark of the author was a major indication of sociopathy is they want your pity. That totally fits the sad sausage sympathy they seek.

      • They excel & specialize in the pity party sad sausage shit. That’s how my xh hooks all his victims, including me. He was done oh so wrong by his 1st wife. It was all her fault as she was so horrible & he was sparkles & sunshine. Now I’m sure his spiel is how I was so horrible. Actually,.I know for a fact it is. Oh well douchbag, say whatever you want to about me to whoever you want to. Go ahead & let those lies fly. As long as you stay the f**k away from me, I no longer give a rat’s ass! Ha!

  • Speaking of loving inanimate objects, I am grieving the loss of a person who wasn’t even real so what I said must be true….

    • I got this grieving bullshit from our “therapist”. She asked fuckwit if he was grieving his affair partner. I lost my shit and threw a fit. I told her he did not get to grieve because it should not have happened in the first place. I thought I was losing my mind. She also said I should not show my anger as it would drive him away.

      Holy god I had to have therapy for our therapist. As if you are not crazy enough with the gas-lighting and other shit. It’s criminal!

      • This forgiving attitude in society towards cheaters rubs off on caring honest spouses. I am still shocked that I HUGGED my grieving cheater husband when he cried to me in our living room because he was afraid he might not end up with his married cheating partner. At first I thought he was depressed and devastated because of how he was hurting me. He thanked me for my compassion. Even now, going on 4 months – I’m still consumed with pain more so than anger. The anger is towards myself for still feeling pain!

  • Cheaters have have no soul. They think we were placed in this world with the sole purpose of holding their hand and comforting them just for the simple reason that they are them.

    On Dday, Cheater sat down with me to “finally come clean.” He started naming all the women he had sex with, oh and how sad he felt because he had “deeply fallen in love with” so and so but nothing had happened with them (only went inside a marry’s men home to see the view?) because they were “good girls” but gosh he was so sad that they didn’t want anything with him.

    My heart was breaking into pieces, but he just kept going “I just don’t know why I want people’s approval and their compliments? But when the compliments come from you, they mean nothing”

    Then he turns to me and holds my hand and says “we will overcome this and will be a happy family” however he first wanted me to loose weight (I’m 5 feet weight 115 pounds) wear sexy clothes all the time, peg him, and allow him to go out on his days off.

    Thank God, I had found CL a week before his “coming clean” (I had found a picure of him and of one of his APs and was googling “How to win my husband back?” LMAO) I packed all his stuff the same day and now we have no contact. My girls’s and my life are living the life now.

    • “I just don’t know why I want people’s approval and their compliments? But when the compliments come from you, they mean nothing.”

      Disordered people have no self esteem and typically hate themselves. Therefore, they need “other esteem”, they need other people’s approval and compliments for survival. Since he doesn’t like himself, and you love him, he therefore doesn’t respect you. It’s like that Groucho Marx saying, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” This is why your compliments mean nothing. Also, since you love him, you’re supposed to compliment him which again, makes the compliments mean nothing.

      • Ex didn’t love himself and so he didn’t think he was lovable and so he didn’t think that
        I loved him. Then he resented me for not loving him. All along I was oblivious to the fact that I didn’t love him and couldn’t understand why he was so upset with me.

      • I just don’t go for that, Sisu. Sorry. Disordered people LOVE themselves way too much. They feel entitled to do all of their crap. I don’t buy the fact that they have no self esteem. Maybe some disordered people have low self esteem, but you know, I had low self esteem, so much so that I allowed a dick to take advantage of me over and over again. He certainly did NOT hate himself. He loved who he was and he loved imagining the love and admiration that I had for him. When I finally started getting a clue as to who he really was behind the mask, I lost my usefulness to him. I think your comments sound like what comes out of a RIC session from a therapist, e.g., “He’s got low self esteem, so you need to feel sorry for him, build his ego up, and help him see the wonderful man he is.” What you’re saying sounds like you’re giving him an excuse. Sorry….

        • Their entitlement is all their huge, false ego. You’re confusing true self esteem for ego. The narcissist makes up for their lack of self esteem with ego.

          And for the record, I am in no way excusing their abusive behavior.

      • Sisu you are right. Cheater X also recognized he didn’t love himself. He send me an email explaining that he was tired of pretending to be someone that he is not. Basically crying that he was the biggest con-artist and he hated himself. I never responded.

        • My ex told me he was jealous of me because I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. Interesting, eh? Same playbook. Same issues.

  • I really wish I had found CL right after DDay. It would have saved me a lot of grief. DDay was in June, and all summer long I sort of pick me danced, but listened to the crazy making crap coming out of my husband’s mouth when he was trying to manipulate me to get money from me. It was all so textbook cheater speak. If I had simply gone no contact, I’d be in a better spot. At one point he was trying to convince me he was done with the skank. (he wasn’t). “I just need closure.” What kind of closure did he need? Who knows.

    Now we are no contact. I’m sure he’s still with her. Stunning that he isn’t grieving me and what he lost. Divorce should be final in 2 days. He won’t be there. Doesn’t even care enough for that. I do know that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but he would never admit that. He won’t find another like me, and his life will continue it’s slide down the sewer.

    • When I picked me dance, I said to my husband “I don’t want to be with anybody who doesn’t want to be with me.” He said in an understanding voice “why would you?”. He told me he’d get back to me shortly as he didn’t want to leave me hanging. A few days later he told me he was leaving me for his cheating partner – a younger married coworker with three younger kids. He said it wasn’t the sex, it’s just the person she is – he feels a little bit more whole with her. I really wish I had had the chance to end it with him (but let’s be honest, I wouldn’t have, I would’ve killed myself trying to make him happy). Being left out of the blue by your best friend and lover -when you thought your marriage was great – is traumatic. No one should show sympathy for these people.

    • You’re crediting him with a heart and soul. When you finally stop projecting who you are (an empathetic person that would never shit all over another human being), and when you finally accept that he’s a fuckwit and will always be a fuckwith …., till he dies…, that’s when you’ll finally stop worrying about whether he ‘would never admit that’ you’re the best thing that ever happened to him. He won’t ever admit it because he’s doesn’t see it. He’s too shallow. In his mind…, “SerenityNow was good, but Schmoopie is better.” And when Schmoopie loses her appeal, “Janie is better”. It’s ALL ABOUT HIM. You just lost your usefulness to him. He moved on. And you need to move on too. Chock this up to a life lesson, learn to love yourself, and establish boundaries.

    • What I always say now is
      “He May have ruined his life, but he didn’t ruin mine”
      He did the same thing to both marriages
      He’s now onto someone new
      Setting the chairs up on the Titanic…
      Xo

  • Chump Lady’s column should be required reading for anyone entering a committed relationship. It should be required reading for all “friends” of people who suffered through the humiliation and abuse of betrayal and think there are two sides to every story. You’re only allowed to talk about the suffering of the villain in an AP English essay. I laughed so hard at today’s column. I remember my dad always complaining about people who “were happy to be generous with other people’s money (but not their own)” when I was growing up and I think the corollary here is “people who are forgiving of other those who hurt others (but not themselves)”.

    • Madkatie, I just had a conversation about this with my own mother tonight! She said “we never really know what goes on in a marriage !”. I told her it doesn’t matter what went on inside a marriage – and usually nothing went on – it doesn’t give people the right to cheat. She realized I was right. But to be honest this was the type of thinking I sometimes had until it happened to me. We need to be educated.

  • I like and use the Bernie Madoff analogy often. My ex’s ability to maintain a secret life, and the feeling of having invested so many years of my devotion, loyalty and love in a fraudulent person were very apropos to my situation.

  • Caught mine cheating after 23 years of marriage and two kids. I am not sure how many before as I had blinders on. I agreed to start couples therapy, “For the kids” sake after much begging. After the first session the therapist said he wanted to see me alone for a few sessions…to discuss the issues I was dealing with… cheating husband, recent death of my father, etc. So, a week later I sit down and he looks at me and says, ” You are beautiful, kind, loyal, and clearly a caring mother. You deserve better and you absolutely need to leave your husband. He is a lying cheating alcoholic narcissist who will never change. I always try to help couples get through their struggles, but you should have left years ago, you deserve better.” I sat there in shock for a few minutes and then realized what I needed to do! The next few sessions he gave me advise and helped me get the nerve up to leave. My ex was absolutely shock…he thought I would never leave. I am forever grateful that we happened to be schedule with him!

  • Caught mine cheating after 23 years of marriage and two kids. I am not sure how many before as I had blinders on. I agreed to start couples therapy, “For the kids” sake after much begging. After the first session the therapist said he wanted to see me alone for a few sessions…to discuss the issues I was dealing with… cheating husband, recent death of my father, etc. So, a week later I sit down and he looks at me and says, ” You are beautiful, kind, loyal, and clearly a caring mother. You deserve better and you absolutely need to leave your husband. He is a lying cheating alcoholic narcissist who will never change. I always try to help couples get through their struggles, but you should have left years ago, you deserve better.” I sat there in shock for a few minutes and then realized what I needed to do! The next few sessions he gave me advise and helped me get the nerve up to leave. My ex was absolutely shocke…he thought I would never leave. I am forever grateful that we happened to be schedule with him!

    • Wow ChumpyChump. It’s so great to hear about ONE good therapist out there for every thousand bad ones there are! Refer others to this rare golden therapist!

      • Yes, ChumpyChump is very fortunate. Many therapists don’t understand PD’s (the personality disordered). It’s not like they’re bad people, or even bad therapists. They can help patients who truly want to get better. Most therapists who can spot narcissists don’t want to fool with them.

  • This is and will always be my biggest regret; that I bought in to the RIC bullshit for as long as I did. Andrew F**kng Marshall anyone? It makes me actually nauseous that I tolerated what I did, read the books, submitted questions to his stupid ass website. Consumed by the ol’ what was “my” part, oh he needs to grieve oh don’t get angry around the delicate flower he’s going through so much the poor poppet look at him suffer! Don’t be mean to him approach slowly and with a soothing soothing voice or the little lamb will startle away to the other woman and it’ll be all my fault. What the actual HELL was I thinking?? Who was that dumb person?? Old me would’ve taken scissors to his clothes then to his balls, kicked his ass out and cut him out of my life the minute I found out and I’m having trouble forgiving myself for being such a…ugh! A doormat. For THAT weak ass chicken shit man. WTH WAS I THINKING?? I’m still in this situation trying to crawl my way out but finally went no contact and the absolute only regret I have about it is I didn’t do it sooner. Maybe my self esteem wouldn’t be in the gutter had I done so.

    • One day at a time. It takes time and you WILL get to Meh. Let that anger out. It’s really helpful. You’ll get your self esteem back and you’ll be better for it. And…, this is going to sound weird, you’ll REALLY BE BETTER for all the crap that you went through. It’s a shame our girlhood dreams didn’t pan out. It’s a shame that others’ marriages seem to be perfect. What did we do wrong? The only thing we did wrong was we picked the wrong men. We did right by putting our trust in the men we loved. That’s what you’re supposed to do with your spouse. You’re supposed to have each other’s back for the rest of your lives. However, we picked the wrong men. They weren’t worthy of our trust. You probably know several friends that did the same thing, i.e., they put their trust in their respective spouses. Be happy for them. They were just lucky by picking trustworthy spouses. We just weren’t lucky in our choices. I would say that in my case, the reason that I kept allowing the dick to take advantage of my nature until he almost literally broke me was because I lacked self esteem. If he hadn’t been cheating on me, I would have allowed him to treat me like dog shit the rest of my life. But I thank God that I am no longer with a cheater, and I will NEVER be with a cheater again. I’d rather be single the rest of my life. Five+ years later I am the best that I’ve ever been.

    • ThuradaysChild,

      I’m totally with you. I just can’t seem to forgive myself for being so stupid & bowing in the face of all that crud. I never thought I would be so weak to take that crap from anyone. What the hell happened to the old me who would have kocked that pile of shit to the curb? How in the world did I end up taking being (figuratively) punched the gut for so many years? Who I thought I was & who I ended up being with him were opposite people. I’m still struggling to u understand how that happened.

      • RoseThorns,

        It’s O.K. You don’t have to beat yourself up. Here’s why:

        They do it little by little, so we don’t even notice. I’ve often heard the analogy of a frog being boiled in water. It doesn’t try to jump out because if the temp gets turned up slowly it won’t notice.

        How about the analogy of a cluttered home? I can relate to this. One Stairmaster in the spare bedroom turns into a clothes rack, then the unused bookshelf takes residence, then the extra coffee table and Great Aunt Yolanda’s grandfather clock. Then the garage sale leftovers that you keep meaning to donate and etc…

        You see where I am going with this.
        Would you blame yourself for the unusable room? Maybe.

        But what if your cheater kept bringing in all the stuff? You can’t move Great Aunt Yolanda’s grandfather clock by yourself. Nor the stairmaster. And when you try to remove the clothes, Cheater stands in the doorway and begins to berate you?

        Is it the frog’s fault it got boiled?

        As previously stated, it takes time but you will get there. I felt the same way for a long time. In my case, the professor that encouraged us to get married had worked on Capitol Hill for 10 years. I figured, for Pete’s sake if he couldn’t spot Wasband’s bullshit, no one could!

        You are not to blame for someone else’s disordered character and behavior.

        • That cluttered home metaphor struck me like a live wire. At the end the pasta sauce was on the kitchen ceiling from all the flambé and whatnot. There was no space unclaimed.

          My ex was a woman. Sometimes men pick the wrong person too.

  • Thursdayschild, you’re not alone. CL should have a page on stupid things Chumps say. On Dday, after spending hours googling “why did my husband cheat”? I went to him and told him that I still respected him!!! He told me he appreciated that. The next day I baked cookies – I hate baking – and told him he was a wonderful person, this wasn’t him, Cheating partner took advantage of his vulnerability and now he’s on the affair drug. With my respect and cookies he left me for his cheating partner.

    • Oh god, I did all that shit too. I hugged him and said it was okay and he would get through it. I was worried he’d have to leave our lovely home and live in a shitty apartment, blah blah. He doesn’t care about me at all… only that he needed to keep his whorey girlfriend. I regret all the kindness I showed him because now he’s hateful and blames me for the end of our marriage. Chumps, none of this shit is our fault, and we know it, but it’s still hard as hell to live it!

      • @Chumptastic funny how they hate us for how everything ended.

        Cheater X, keeps emailing saying thinks like “I’ll put away the anger I feel for you so we can co-parent” wow, I just stare at my computer not knowing what to think, and then I delete.

        • Yep, same here. He’s told our daughter that he feels sad that I can’t even put away my bitterness to have a friendly chat about our family and our finances. Yep, can do, so long as my lawyer is present! I won’t be in the same room alone now because he always insults me and tries to blame me or uses his manipulative mind fuckery.
          Hugs 🤗

    • @Zip @Chumptastic Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one who did this. (Actually thanks Everyone because looks like this isn’t unusual). I’m just so disgusted with myself when I think of how I reacted to someone betraying me in every possible way by doing everything I could to make HIM feel better. And being advised that that was the right thing to do by the RIC. I mean…SERIOUSLY?! I get that we as shocked Chumps want to fix the broken instead of throwing it away and there is a healthy amount of fear involved; I’m still fearful as my current circumstances are not ideal. But the way I behaved–like you said the baking the cooking the cleaning the preening the ‘understanding’ the dance dance dancing–not only did he betray me but i betrayed myself and that really stings.

      • Thursdayschild , Don’t beat yourself up about how you reacted when you were in shock and denial. I was extremely kind and worried about my cheater and abandoner! I thought he must’ve been losing his mind to be so self-destructive. Then I had to take a leave from work because I couldn’t function and I showed him how destroyed and heartbroken I was for months ( yuck). I mean I would ask him to come back to our house to talk with me about it and I would sob in front of him. Then he’d leave and look sad. But I don’t regret having a big heart and having compassion. Now I realize it’s time to have compassion for myself and not be buried by somebody else’s crap. As my therapist said, “he obviously has huge issues but they don’t need to be your issues.” Take care of yourself.

      • @zip Hey it’s okay! Be kind to yourself. I reread some of the early emails I sent him. I swear to god I was apologizing to HIM in the emails. I read them to my therapist and she said point blank- “you have been emotionally abused that’s why you apologized to him.” That was hard to hear but it’s true. I also spent $350 on RIC propaganda so I could read how I should take responsibility for all my short comings. This is because we were dedicated chumps who valued love, commitment and our families so we were trying to keep it all together. It’s sad but now we know better and we need to forgive not them, but ourselves for doing what we could to survive under the circumstances. 💜

        • Chumptastic, we really are fantastic chumps. Yes I too was guilt ridden over him cheating on me…. and told him I wish I could go back and do things differently! Ridiculous, I was loving, kind, engaged and there for him in every way. Reading other people’s stories clarifies how I too fell into a cheated on battered spouse syndrome. RIC stands for Rob Innocent Chumps!

  • I tried…. I really did. The YMCA councilors said there’d be days when she’d pine for AP. So I tried to suck it up. Before caller ID was a thing I’d answer the phone to a stuttering” uh uh uh I I I guess I have the wrong number” from some guy. I’d see a police car driving slowly past my house ( he was a cop). When we were going somewhere together her head would turn to look at every police car. When in church she’d see him and try to stealthily wave. She didn’t think I noticed. I mentioned it to the YMCA councilors in front of her. She went all defensive and told me I was hallucinating and insecure. Hallucinating not! Insecure well look who I’m dealing with. I got up walked out and never looked back. When the papers got served it was all ” I’m sorry … I didn’t mean anything by it… I was confused” I responded ” I thought I was hallucinating?

  • I’m steadfast no contact, but if I ever did hear of affairage demise, I would be tempted to send an email with about 10,000,000 hahahahahahahahahahahahas in it.
    Is there a limit to the number of hahahahahahahahahahhaahhas that can be written?

    Is this a Guinness (sp?) Book of World records for this act? If so, I’d be a shoe in.

    maybe not.

    • Magneto, please go to her creepy Facebook page where she is using my last name and post as many
      “Hahahahahahahahaha’s” as you want!

      He cheated on the fantasy racial demographic assailant and I would LOVE to fill her page with a zillion hahaha’s!

  • Grieving the affair partner. Pffftt Cheater didn’t grieve losing me…his wife!! for ONE second. What a bunch of horse shit.

  • Mine said he “needed” to stop having sex with hookers so he found a girlfriend. Then when he got caught he said it would be too hard for him to give up the girlfriend because they were newly in love and it was so awesome! I remember sitting there thinking, “but he’s willing to give up me after 25 years just like that!” Then he offered up the idea of having us both because it would be easier for him that way. He wouldn’t have all the messiness of a divorce AND he could see his daughter and I could take care of him and our home. He said he’d been to a therapist who thought this idea was marvelous and would mean he could have us both and all would be happy. Yay! Except me, who had a husband who cared so little for her that he’s been out fucking around, lying and gaslighting. Gee what a good deal! I asked him if the therapist thought about how devastating this would be for me and our daughter. And he said “no, but she was worried how depressed I might get if I had to break up with my girlfriend when I told you all about my affairs so this is the best solution we came up with so I could be happy and get what I need.” Fuck the RIC and fuck cheaters who disrespect and devalue their loving families!

    • I seriously doubt the therapist said that. That’s just what he wants (and you) to believe to justify his behavior.

  • It just seems like people anymore want to see just how much shit you’ll take. I try not to go on the low road, but sometimes I just end up going off on people.

  • Oh this is familiar – after the EA with howorker that was actually a lot more, disorderedX would say “I’m here aren’t I?” – yes he was still sulky, every bit as entitled and prone to narc switches. While I danced pretty making myself, teens and home appealing- and he graciously mainly got over having his privacy invaded about those amorous emails. Before CL. Only silver lining is that next time much later (I know no one is surprised that there was a next time) I was done. Thought ‘once shame on him twice shame on me’, and left. Still getting over the injustice – but no contact with a narc X is healing. Hugely appreciate CL and CN’s wise words.

  • I always think that asking a chump to be kind to the cheating spouse who is grieving their affair partner is another shit sandwich! We already have high empathy for these cheaters who have none, and then the RIC wants us to turn up the empathy?! We need to have empathy for ourselves! The cheaters haven’t earned any more empathy from us.

    I want to be the therapist who sits the chump down and says, RUN! RIGHT NOW! I had a therapist who did that for me and it was the best advice I ever got.

  • Grieving the affair partner is just witnessing them detox from the chemical high. Addicts, the whole lot of them.

  • My ex literally blamed me for his schmoopie moving 5000 km away. “Thanks to you, I’ll probably never see her again!”

    I was too awful, too poisonous, I “took the low road” in court documents (Aka I told the truth). Now she’s gone. (Doesn’t stop her showing up at holidays he goes on with the kids)

    I have no idea why he would think I would give a shit that she loves away. He does, though. He really does.

  • Right down to signing the settlement agreement the Limited was testing the waters to keep me as plan B. He pitifully stated that he thinks about me all the time. He was enraged when I filed.

    Nope, no grieving. Just plain ole facts. He hit the bottom of the barrel with Nanthony. Who brags that the OW doesn’t make any money? If he regrets anything it’s waking up to a skanky whore every day. Laughing at the thought.

  • Dick had two settings for coming home on the daily.

    1. Fake happy smile
    2. Raging fuckwit in full blown temper tanty

    The night i dumped him (girl on girl gif in his text messages i saw going out with an unrecognised number) he’d been at a beerfest thing all day. Like fuck he was. Beerfest in same suburb as OW#5. If you’re gonna tell a lie tell a half truth to make it real (number 1 rule of plausible deniability).

    He came home with fake happy smile that night.

    Note when i dumped him he raced off to OW#6 not #5 as she was relegated to decoy bitch by now.

    As i untangled the skein for the next few months and discovered CL and CN, i realised raging fuckwit setting was most likely because of an argument with OWs from number 1 to 33460053127 (i have no idea how many, some were males, but i only found out about 5. There were plenty more im sure).

    How fucking DARE he take his other relationship issues and tiffs out on me and our kids! How fucking dare he!

    That shit is seriously messed up. I also now realise him dumping me every time we had a minor fight was a. Silent treatment/discard phase of cycle of abuse and b. A reason to shoot out for some tottie or to get his dick sucked at the gay sauna.

    FFS. Who needs that toxic bullshit in their lives. They can all have him. Toxic AF.

  • I didn’t even know I was helping ex grieve over the loss of his twu luv. Had no idea, I thought I was helping him through depression.
    Go figure, being a nice person doesn’t always pay.

  • In case anyone needs help snapping themselves out of the pick-me-dance today, a cheater bares his pathetic soul at length and in detail at the Captain Awkward blog. I won’t link, but search “captain awkward #1253” to see in glorious technicolor how they really think about the person who’s dedicated her/his life to them and their child.

    • WHOA.

      THANK YOU FOR THE LINK TO CAPTAIN AWKWARD #1253

      THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

      ❤️

  • I think the only reason a cheater is so resentful and acts like such sh*t when offered the ultimate gift of wreckonciliation with the chump is because they have genuinely got no loving feelings for the chump. They may care for the lifestyle they lead with the chump and not want to part with half their assets which is why they are still there but actual love for the chump? No. Wreckonciliation is a fools game and since chumps have been played for fools its unsurprising that we so desperately want to hold onto the people that we love by ‘pick me dancing’. I am grateful every day that I put down my ‘pick me’ dancing shoes and left. My life is thousands of times better now than it ever was with the exhole.

    If your cheater acts like an ass when offered wreckonciliation – you know exactly how ‘sorry’ they are. Just leave. It’s scary, painful and so so very lonely at times but once you get through that grief and pain there is a beautiful life on the other side! Stay strong and be mighty! The pain does eventually end after you leave!

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