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What’s Your Ex’s Name on Your Cell Phone?

When it comes to a trust that they suck reminder, changing your FW’s cell phone name is a helpful hack.

Proper names are for people who respect you. Fucky the Clown is for the loser who cheated on you.

Today’s Friday Challenge is to tell CN what name appears on your phone when your ex calls.

Hopefully, this person never calls you at all, because you have iron clad no contact. But for those of you who bred with a FW, or who are still in the wobbly early stages of minimizing contact, consider an insulting name to remind you that this person is not your friend.

Better yet, let it roll over to voice mail.

Extra points for clever ring tones.

TGIF!

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  • I don’t have his name saved. We talk maybe once a year and it’s been 6 yrs. My youngest is 15 and he talks maybe twice a year to his dad. It’s peaceful.

  • I deleted his name from my phone. It’s just his phone number. I also changed his picture so it’s not him, but a snake wearing the head of a unicorn.

    It’s a great reminder that he is both irrelevant and a fraud.

  • I thought about replacing Ex-Mrs LFTT’s name on my phone to something snarky, but figured that it would not set an appropriate example if she called/texted and one of the kids saw it. Even though the kids are now all adults and that we now communicate very rarely (thank f*ck) I still think that I did the right thing.

    What I did do, however, was remove my surname from her contact details …… because f*ck her that’s why.

    LFTT

    • Like you, I don’t know his number, he doesn’t know mine. Anything really important comes through by 31 yr old son. No fighting or talking!!!! He has three more exes that are newer than myself. They are the focus of his torment. My oldest child was born when I was a teen. I am older and wiser now!!!

    • I had similar thoughts LFTT. I changed the name to first initial and surname as if he was a business associate, which I guess he is. It is a gentle reminder to be civil and professional – that’s all. We’ve been divorced well over 10 years and I still cringe a bit on the very infrequent times when I see the name come up. I feel like I did the right thing too but I love hearing all the creativity in these names.

      • Fern,

        I absolutely agree with you in terms of keeping it civil and professional.

        That said, had I been tempted to change her entry I would have probably gone with “Lying, cheating and stealing POS b*tch” which is neither creative nor classy.

        LFTT

    • I had dubbed mine Capt Cheaterpants early after Dday. Until it flashed on my car’s multimedia screen when he texted me & my 15 yo was sitting next to me. I changed it after that, but I think it stayed Capt. idk because 5 years to meh. We don’t speak as adult kids can do their own.

  • He never calls, nor do I call him, but I have him listed as “Fucktard” (the nickname my attorney gave him).

    His contact photo is a cartoon image of a giant squishy butt shaped like a football with an asshole in the center atop a yellow dress shirt with rainbow suspenders (he was ‘famous’ for his suspenders).

    His ringtone screams … “DON’T ANSWER THAT … IT’S AN ASSHOLE CALLING!”

    Gotta have a little fun! 🤪

      • It came to be the only way anyone in the law office referred to him as! In fact, one day in court my lawyer started to refer to him that way in front of the judge!! 🤣 Luckily she caught herself, but then stumbled to remember his proper name. 🤪🤣😉

  • Asshole to cheaterpants to Judus to blocked.
    I accidentally sent texts to my attorney under cheaterpants that I had to redo.
    The kids never saw my phone so I was okay with the names. I figured I was listed as something crazy in his contacts courtesy of the flavor of the day which I didn’t give a damn cause if I ever emailed it was about bills.
    The ex asked that I not email info and only send it through US mail. I naturally obliged but should have done both. He did that so he could say he never received anything. Then I went to certified where his dad signed once then the others were returned to the post office for me to pick up. That evidence was used in court as well. It was all medical bills and support payments that were lacking full amounts because he decided he could pay what he pleased even though we that we had a legal agreement. My attorney said I only needed to send through regular mail so I’d take pictures and date it but certified was where I got the real receipts which are needed when dealing with disordered people.

  • HotCoffee – by the time he was done my coffee hadn’t cooled at all. He’s the reason Hitachi doesn’t want to talk about the Very Best Thing they ever invented and sold!

  • I just use Fuckwit because it so accurately describes him. Hopefully, the communications will cease totally on finalization and then he is blocked for life. I look forward to total NC.

  • It would be something awesome if my son didn’t look at my phone.
    It’s just initials, because he doesn’t deserve the space.
    But the picture is Voldemort.

    • I briefly had the CL image of assface but kiddo saw it so I had to take it off. He didn’t know who it was about and was confused about what it was. I acted fast “That must be some company’s symbol.”

  • Boundary Deficiency ~
    ringtone: Lil Einsteins ‘Rocketship’ remix
    photo: a silly meme of his least favorite politician

    During the time before NC was possible, these bits of humor truly helped me overcome the trauma response of seeing his name + face pop up. It also served to remind me of his emotional/psychological age throughout the divorce/property division/house settlement process.

  • “Flaming turd” because FW and AP have an “in” joke between them about how Aries people are hot and how whenever they connect with someone on their dating platform, it always turns out to be an Aries. So now they are both fiery, fiery turds.

  • Ex husbands is ‘the kids dad’, cos you know, shared custody. There’s nothing worse than lecturing kids on calling people rude names and then a rude name flashes on the display of your car…

    Ex boyfriend is ‘parasite’. Even though blocked, I need to keep the texts for evidence.

    • Someone I knew called her ex “Le Sperm Donor.” Still probably too recognizable to kids so maybe something in, say, punjabi? (Running over the Google translate, thump thump thump) Sukaranu dani? It’s got “suk” in it.

    • Training to be a therapist ?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 It’s thing I guess. The OW in a classmate’s marital implosion is doing the same. She is twenty years younger than S.’s ex, he now has two little kids (his oldest son with S. is engaged to be married) and the happy couple 🤮 moved far away to 🦫 Pennsylvania. At S. doesn’t have to run into them anymore.

    • Way to insert insert themselves into their own victim’s tragic passing. They’re the same people who grubbed press to raise money for cancer for the woman they were betraying. No reflection or growth since then. I know there’s a rule in psych against making clinical diagnoses without consent but one could hazard a guess. Hideous people.

  • I went through a series of names before I could block him on all fronts. They ranged from common dickhead to idiot, fucktard, loser, Voldemort. Now, he’s “meh”

    • Shark Bitmoji later changed to boot emoji 🥾

      Both ringtone and text tone are on complete mute.
      I don’t even want a buzz, his abusive texts during divorce would startle me and trigger PTSD shakes.

      If i could pick a ring I guess I would use Little Big Towns Better Man or Band Perrys. “Lie”

      He tied our financial settlement to our family relationship, and we really don’t communicate at all. Kids are adults. But that backfired on him because now No nobody communicates with him

  • His number isnt saved so that when I need to take a screen shot of a text it shows his full number. If I have to provide the court with a screen shot it proves it’s from him and it looks better than if it said “pathetic weakling” like I think of him in my head.

  • I’m gonna win, not because of the name on my phone, but the picture.

    He got arrested about a year after the divorce was final, then called me up at 5 AM, blaming me. Long story short, not only was it not my fault, it stemmed from driving without insurance—something I had repeatedly, expressly warned him about.

    So I sent in a FOIA request for his mugshot and now that’s his picture on my phone.

    • ❤️ this.

      I was also recently blamed for his failure to be able to get his car affairs in order, because, “if we weren’t separated I wouldn’t have to be dealing with ANY of this.”

      As in, I would have been taking care of everything for him. Must have been nice. Not nice enough, apparently.

      • Yeah, somehow it’s always our fault.

        Mine tried to blame me even after he found out it wasn’t my fault, because “If I hadn’t been paying so much in child support, I could have afforded car insurance.”

        Me: “Well, maybe you should have taken the money you were spending on dates with OW and instead used it for car insurance.”

        To his minimal credit, he backed off and agreed.

    • You are right, you do win! My EX also had a mug shot taken post-divorce. I am a bit sad now that I didn’t think to take advantage of it. I am suddenly realizing all kind of ways it could have been used.

      • There’s no statute of limitations on a FOIA request, just gotta send it in to the police department that arrested him… 😈

    • And the winning entry is…

      The most meh of meh proponents couldn’t object to this. It should be a principle of recovery that, while one should not be waiting around for schadenfreude, if it shows up in this dazzling form (and especially if they try to blame you for it), you really have to get the mugshot. 😀

    • This is an awesome idea which I could also do, except he’s dead now and there’s no point.

      But if he were alive, I would absolutely do this.

    • Same here, but I still changed his name in my contacts. It is Cheating Fucker Son of a Bitch Asswipe. I may have been just a tad pissed-off when I did that. 🤭
      He is blocked except in the group text history with our adult children. He has sent two texts on that since dday. One saying his mother died, the other saying his sister died. Yep, that’s how he informed them. 🙄

  • I had him blocked from my phone, but when he contacted my sibling about picking up tools he’d left at her property, she had him listed as “Toilet dick” (after the ridiculous and gross selfie we had discovered that he’d sent to Batshit Becky/Truck Stop Urinal of his shortcoming hovering over a toilet bowl).

      • Trash is as trash does. I’m glad to stay away from anyone who believes that sending or receiving a genital image with the background of a toilet bowl is arousing (Batshit Becky also sent him some cringeworthy genital selfies).

        • I’ve never understood crotch selfies. Without special lighting, even professional junk looks like the Xenomorph or Trilobite monsters from the Alien franchise or maybe that giant space bug from Starship Troopers.

  • Fredo (as in Corleone) because he “betrayed the family” and now he’s “dead to me”. The Godfather was his favorite movie but since he saw I changed his name (in court docs), it may not be anymore!

    • This is brilliant because it doesn’t look bad on you in court. It doesn’t look like you’re insulting him, but you are … in his language. Next level, truly. You KNOW him and he’s putting nothing over on you.

  • FW is not on my list of contacts. If I get a call with his area code, I hand the phone to someone to answer it for me

  • This is the most helpful Friday challenge ever because I haven’t done this. His name just comes up as… his name. I’m just tired. So I’m going to pick one from this thread. And then, when it gets a little old, I’m coming back to the thread and choosing another. It’s gonna be a resource, a library of chumpy snark and creativity that I can use when my own isn’t cutting it. I can’t wait.

    • Stay open to ideas as well Melon. You never know when you might be inspired with your own personalized name, pic or song now that the idea is in your head. I’m getting a kick out of reading all the creativity on display here today.

  • The current name is Amanda Tinder.

    It encapsulates and reminds me of who he is.

    Several months after he left, Little Hammer was using his phone to watch a video when he received a drop-down message from someone on Tinder named Amanda. She was alarmed and called me immediately to tell me. She was almost eleven at the time, and sadly a lot of kids her age know what Tinder is.

    What was going on at that time? He had left us for his Craigslist Causal Encounters “sole mate”, he was lying about where he was living (he had actually rented an apartment with the cockroach, which was paid for with money taken out of our business without my knowledge), he had basically ghosted our daughter, he was evidently cheating on the Craigslist cockroach (he’s on Tinder) I also found out two years later that he had told our daughter, when she asked him directly, more than once, if we were getting divorced, that we were “working things out”, which was NEVER true.

    None of this is the behavior of a healthy person, and “Amanda Tinder” reminds me of all of it and instantly eradicates weeds of self doubt that start to sprout.

    As for the profile picture, it’s Homicide Hunter Lt. Joe Kenda, which reminds me how to conduct myself if I should have to speak to him, and it’s nice to imagine Amanda Tinder being arrested by Joe Kenda. People of integrity do not support lying and cheating and stealing and are on your side.

    “Staying on the high road reinforces my position as the person wronged” is typed in the “company” line of his contact, which reminds me how to speak and act if I should have to talk to him.

    Other names I have used:

    Lance Armstrong (he rides bikes)
    Chris Watts
    Scott Peterson
    Dean McDermott
    Traitor X
    TLC (Traitor Thief Liar Cheater)

    I keep a list in case I get in the mood to switch it up.

    • Back in the early days I used Scott Peterson and Chris Watts too. Velvet, did you see in yesterday’s news that Scott Peterson wants a new trial? It’s beyond me how anyone could believe he’s innocent!!

  • Still makes me laugh 6 years later. I changed his name to ‘The Arse’ on my phone and laptop. During mediation, an email exchange between the three parties and he called me childish and insulting!! His name had defa

  • LCMC for Lying Cheating ManChild (or lying cheating mother****ing c**t, if you are my friend A. LOL!)

    I changed the photo immediately when I found out about the affair to a meme showing the ocean & with the words, “Silence speaks when words cannot.” That message reminded me to never answer the phone, especially during those early vulnerable days.

    • I think the pock marked assface is the best. I especially like it because he dresses up in a suit and claims to go “networking” to our child when he is actually out fucking strange. The assface on a suit is totally him.

  • His name is Mike & he’s a run-away coward (heard SIL recently call him one too lol) so I have him listed as Mikey Mouse in my phone. No disrespect to Mickey, of course.

    • Traitor X is a Mike, so in my world, MIKE stands for Missing Integrity Kindness and Empathy. I have occasionally listed him in my phone as M.I.K.E.

      For chumps who elect to use a real name for the sake of involved kids, you can create an acronym which has an alternative meaning for you

      I did this for the main OW as well.

      This enables me to simultaneously refer to them by their real names, describe who they really are, and maintain my innocence. 😜

  • it was “Guido” which according to him is a racial Italian slur- I’ve certainly had other Italian friends that did not feel this way so it was news to me when I called him this one day (and he raged out at me in front of my child). I could NOT figure out how to unlink it to my email account which would have allowed him to see the nickname (and I needed to avoid all the rage in those days). So I just listed him as “Z” so he was DEAD LAST in my contacts. I have since changed my cell number which he doesn’t have access to — we are email only and “Z” remains his identifier- dead LAST on my priority list. My narc mom was listed as “BFH” – bitch from hell back in my low contact days (no contact now for years). Changing my cell number was the best move because I only added a few choice people back in and no one in my family or Ex’s family has that number thankfully- FREEDOM!

  • Be cautious. Depending on your phone/computer, these names can show up on some other peoples’ systems (eg: lawyers, the poor real estate agent trying to sell your marital home, etc).

  • On my Phone: Fuckface I was driving in the car when he called and my 17 granddaughter saw it and said ‘Nana!” in a fake-shocked tone. I told her I was positive she not only has heard the word but has used it, so shut up. We both had a laugh.

    On my GPS: Fuckface as well. I live in another state, but this is a tri-state area, so I never want to even drive close to it getting to places near where we lived. I have the GPS set up to always detour around the street.

  • My ex husband was shocked when he saw that his phone number wasn’t even saved in my contacts. Too bad, eh.

  • His name in my phone was “Drug” in the early stages, to remind me to “just say no” – but we have kids together and once they saw it pop-up on my screen so I changed it back. I’m very solidly in the parallel parenting mode now and don’t need a visual reminder to tell him to F off.

  • Here is where I show my boring self. FW’s name in my phone is nothing. Just nothing at all; he only shows up as his text number. That’s it. No names, no pictures, no special ring tone. Other people get names or pictures on my phone. Not him.

    I do this for a number of reasons. Early on I knew I would break down crying if I saw his name (real or mean nickname) pop up on my phone, so I didn’t give him one. As time went on I realized that I didn’t want to give him the power of having a name on my phone, so he stayed as just his pure digits. Now that my kids are older I’m glad that they don’t see that I have a special mean name for their father on my phone. He may have one for me on his but I don’t want to do the same.

    That’s just me though. I can’t give him an ongoing mean nickname much stronger than occassionally referring to him as “a jerk,” here or there. It’s just not in me and it makes me feel bad, so I don’t do it. Here at CL, I have given myself permission to call him an anonymous FW and that’s as far as I go with it.

    I have also asked friends and family to stop calling him names (names that he totally deserves, to be honest) around me. I do that for me (because, bizarrely, hearing him called a name just triggered a traumatic response in me all over again and I would feel sad, like really sad), not for him; he has no idea that I’ve asked people just to call him by his name around me.

    Although I will give you one of my friend’s names for him that genuinely made me laugh the first time I saw it: Dingledick.

    But, yeah, long story short: he’s nothing but a number in my phone and I like it that way. He doesn’t get a name.

  • I have his name in there (because I’m too lazy to bother changing it) but his ring tones have been highly amusing over the years. For a while it was Ozzy’s “Crazy Train”. Now it is the theme to the Exorcist. His “picture” is of those “yipyipyipuh huh” puppets from Sesame Street. On the rare occasion I have to look at the phone to see who is calling, at least that gives me a smile. Luckily now that our son is in high school, I’m having to talk to him less and less all the time. It’s wonderful.

      • It keeps me from saying out loud “for fucks sake, what now?” I’m much more meh with the muppets. I think I must have ticked him off because he hasn’t even tried to call or text in quite some time. It is glorious.

    • Yup. I have the Psycho knife ringtone. Just his name like any remote acquaintances and a pic I snapped of his scruffy puffy unkempt rage face I took in the final discard days. Reminds me he’s not my friend.

      • True story: On our honeymoon, we visited Universal Studios in Orlando, and the FW was chosen to play Norman Bates/Mother in a reenactment of the shower scene in Psycho. Even Universal Studios knew I married a disordered FW!! It took me 20 years to figure that out. 🙁 Back in the early days, I used “Norman Bates” as one of the many, many names that I had him listed as in my contacts.

  • Lemon Boy with a photo of a braying jackass. He returned home w a police escort to get his things (He’d threatened to punch me in the face because I told him details about his girlfriend and I called 911 – I have a 40 minute recording of his narc tirade.) He took a 6 pack of craft beer & a bag of Organic Lemons from the fridge. He starved our kids but had organic lemon water every morning. I laughed so hard afterward that I named him Lemon Boy. His gf rented him an apartment – he was evicted 3 months later so she took him in. All hail the Golden Goose!! Your site helped me so much.

    • Oooo. I love this and wish I’d used it early on when I might have been tempted to engage. I had “Do Not Engage and He’s the Enemy” on sticky notes during the early days. Highly recommend some of these strategies for any newbies out there.

  • Nothing, leave it as it is, cant be bothered. Im lucky that circumstances allowed me to have solid no contact since we sold our house and divorced. But initially, every year she would what’sapp me in a gp chat (consisting of current and former colleagues) to wish me happy birthday and new year. I hv to eat the shit sandwich again in some sense as our same sex marriage was kept a secret among this group. I did not want to leave gp for the mistake that i did not make…anyway, it got to the point, i m at meh and just replied to thank my friends as a general statement.

  • The Lying Cheating Loser is how I refer to him here, but in my phone he has been Community Dick since before I dumped him.
    It’s an accurate descriptive, has a certain cachet of detached disgust, and should I ever need a reminder that I don’t want to touch that with a bargebole, it serves nicely.

  • I used the same first letters of his Name: Cowardly Fucking Bastard.

    Then I had to screenshot our conversations for court and changed it back to his first name only some of it still said Cowardly though.

    Then I got a restraining order for our kid and I after he got drug trafficking heroin with his dad right before a scheduled visitation. Had a designated third part contact followed by a lawyer so I haven’t had his info in my phone for over 5 years.

  • Look, I know it’s REALLY infantile but gosh it still makes me laugh (I told my dad 80+ and he snickered like a schoolboy too).

    Pooey McPooface. Obvs the image is 💩.

    So dumb. So funny.

  • He was such an angry toddler after d-day, that he earned the nick-name sad sausage. Icon of a droopy carrot. He is trying to become the highpriest of the church of “muh dick”.

  • Name: Cheating Fuckface
    Picture: a smiling jackass

    But he’s completely blocked now, so thankfully it never comes up 😁

  • My cell phone name for FW was RAT. I deleted his number and blocked him 3 yrs ago. Recently I hosted a couples baby shower for my son and his wife and asked for RSVP to my cell. When he responded I texted back great, Who is this? I didn’t recognize the number. 😂😂😂

    • Oh my God! “Who is this?” That’s great.

      If you ever bump into him again, you can say, “Have we met?”

      When they lose total centrality–or don’t register AT ALL–they lose their shit.

  • I keep changing it because I can’t find just the right description for him. Currently it is “Bullshit & Lies MINDFCKR”

  • I didn’t want our young, tech-savvy son to see anything insulting on my phone attributed to his father, but at the same time I didn’t want to see the man’s name, so I just went with his initials. The ringtone is an antique horn, which reminds me of a circus clown car. My son reports that his father’s ringtone for me is a lion roar. I take it as a compliment.

  • Satan. Which is really funny because I get iPhone notifications like: “Satan’s birthday.” His ringtone: “Before He Cheats.”

  • Cheating Bastard.
    The icon is a cartoon of a figure with a butt for a head.
    No ringtone … my phone’s almost always on silent or vibrate anyway. 😂

  • In the beginning, I used Ted Bundy so it would trigger to me to remember what a monster he is (but how he can appear so normal)… then Mr. Sparkles through the divorce… now it’s Mr.Grey1968 (his Ashley Madison profile name)… again… reminds me of the character of the person I divorced.

  • I don’t have kids with my ex but if I was going to have him in my phone I’d call him shitty toupee guy.

    A friend of mine used to have a picture of a dick come up when her ex called. She no longer has contact since kids are grown and both are remarried.

  • His contact WAS saved under ‘X’. He hated that, but why? He is an X, in more ways than one.
    X is the unknown factor in an equation, and that is exactly what he was.
    X also referred to the relationship.
    And I exed him out of my life. So no contact in my phone anymore.
    His photo was cropped from a picture I took of him holding our newborn grandchild (for his Facebook page, of course!) and the look on his face was unreal. It was the famous “shark eyes” that many here have experienced.
    I know now how much he hated me, but he couldn’t even suppress that when holding a precious baby? Wonder how folks ‘liked” that one?🤣
    He was truly a monster.
    And finally, the ringtone was from the song One Armed Scissor, where the singer scream-sings “CUT AWAY, CUT AWAY”, and that’s just what I did. Like a wart.

    • “It was the famous “shark eyes” that many here have experienced.
      I know now how much he hated me, but he couldn’t even suppress that when holding a precious baby?”

      Scary! He was probably having evil thoughts at the time.

      My ex also has a picture of him holding his grandchild on his FB. The day the photo was taken, he was texting his whore with his grandchild in the room. On Christmas.
      No shark eyes in picture. He has a sappy expression on his face. He was all over the baby, cooing and lovey-dovey, the hypocrite. It made me acutely aware of the fact that he did not love me because the difference in how he responded to me versus grandchild was so stark. I’d gotten so used to being ignored that it jolted me to see he could summon up such enthusiasm for anyone. As a result I found being around my grandchild uncomfortable. I will never forgive him for that. He had to take new grandbaby joy away from me along with everything else. The fucker.

  • My FW XW is labeled NPDWC on my phone.

    Not proud of the W or C, but she so earned and continues to earn those letters by her actions. I bred with the FW XW and had three children with her over an almost 25 year mirage, and have been engaged in 50/50 custody for the only minor in our family left at the time of her exit-affair (that is, since 2017), which is our son, who was 11 1/2 years old at the time. He’ll be 18 years old in October of 2023, so I still have a ways to go to get to anything truly close to NC. I doubt I’ll ever get it in its purest form, but closer is better. Always.

    It makes me both laugh (internally, never externally) and breaks my heart for my kids when he tells me the FW XW and her AP (her former boss and now married partner) are being assholes towards him and his sisters. I can’t protect them from their own narcissistic mother and her shitty new life partner. I can only try to be there for them if they want or need me, and hope I’ve role modeled some worthwhile thinking and behavior in dealing with the fuckwits. And that I’m not being too much of an asshole myself for my kids.

  • Don’t have a name in my phone. The ringtone is the Imperial March and the name my wife and I call her is Darth Vader or DV for short. My wife’s ex I just call “Georgia”.

  • I have the formal version of his name (I never called him it) in case our kids see it. But I his contact picture is of Cartman from South Park wearing a nice sweater, as that’s who he reminds me of. A truly selfish person who thinks putting on a nice sweater makes him a nice person.

  • Only contact him in the parenting app but when I need a good laugh, I’ll summon Siri to say his contact name 😂 Lyin’ cheatin’ Mother Fucking Narcissistic Fuckwit
    For the support payment text notifications…title is 💰Glorious Irony💵 and the ringtone is “Bitch Better Have My Money”

  • Ringtone: You’re So Vain (seriously the dude spent more time getting ready for a date than I did).

    • Love this! It’s on one of my playlists with songs to motivate me via anger. I think of both the FW XW and her AP (and relatively newly married partner; almost a year! The fool!😂 ) when I hear Carly sing this great song. Because they’re both so vain, it describes them both very well.

  • He’s blocked now, but I replaced his picture with the CL drawing of the ‘no spackle bucket’. Now that I’ve read through what everyone else has done, I think I’m also going to change his name to just X.

  • “Himself Don’t Answer”

    I listed him that way when the children were still minors and have never changed it. Of course I have since blocked his number so it never comes up. We all started calling him “Himself” during the divorce because the kids didn’t want me to refer to the sperm donor as their father. It’s pretty benign and he only cares about Himself, so it seems fitting.

  • I just used his initials HP because my girls often used my phone and “Shithead” or “Asshole” was not a good idea.

    Now I never have to worry about it because he’s dead.

  • Don’t have to worry about ex husband calling as I changed my # years ago. But have a post divorce boyfriend listed in phone as “Asshole” a word he didn’t care for. He’s only in my phone so he can be blocked.

    • Hmmm. I may change it to x fw because I refer to him as x not ex.

      Eh, probably too much effort to change it. I have no picture or special ringtone.

  • I thought long and hard and came up with some creative nom de plumes. But I decided to keep it simple:
    Fuckwit

  • Mine was listed as FW with the lion pizza shit emojis. I just changed his name to Stripper Fucker and am keeping the emojis. He saw the lion part of the emojis once and asked me what it meant. I just laughed.

  • After his name are the initials UA for User Abuser. This way I get a jolt before I respond to any text messages or phone calls. But if one of my kids saw the screen it wouldn’t immediately register as anything.
    Since I can’t be strict no contact, I have chosen to take my time about responding. When I do respond, it’s the necessary 1-2 words. Someone posted a few days ago about thinking of the cost of our words to the cheater – I like that! At $10 per word, often one word will be enough.

  • I never changed Snakeface’s name in my cell phone after we split. It didn’t even occur to me. However… SnakeFace texted a picture of himself and our oldest son at a football game to me and assorted friends and family members last winter (which he’ll do periodically, and I don’t mind it), and I was accidentally included in what must have been a reply-to-all from a number I didn’t recognize. I Googled the number and verified it belonged to Spiritual Slut. Her (altered) name is Tittalesa Booby, so initials are TB. I store her number under the name TUBERCULOSIS. It’s unlikely either of us will ever contact the other, but should an emergency arise when it’s necessary, at least I’ll know when that disease is calling.

  • My FW takes Schmoopie to all the best chain restaurants where they offer cheese sticks as appetizers. My friend group who is supporting me through this have dubbed him Cheesestick Pig Fuck. CPF or Cheesestick for short.

  • Jar Jar Binks because of the theory that Jar Jar Binks is and evil Sith Lord mastermind. There’s a video on YouTube…

  • My ex kind of went his own way, so I deleted his contact. Periodically he reappears via email, but that’s it for me. I certainly don’t initiate contact and keep it all business if I have to reply. He still sends our adult kids cards and texts, but they’ve been no contact for some time. One kid blocked him.

    I truly feel sorry for people who have to keep communicating. Our kids were older, and I took everything tying us to him out of the agreement.

  • Mine is Bad Penny, because after I moved out for a while he used to keep turning up to hoover. Then I changed it to BP, so it could also be “Bra and Panties,” because that’s what he stole from me to wear himself.

  • Klootzak’s ring tone on my iPhone is a sound called “Descent.” To me, it sounds like the background music in a cartoon when a character expects something great but gets a shit sandwich. My son calls it “The Sound of Disappointment” and we snicker. I don’t have an appropriate wretched name for klootzak on my phone because I don’t want kiddo reporting it and me being accused to alienating him. We laugh about “The Sound of Disappointment” and kiddo thinks it’s because he thought of a funny name for the sound. But it really suits klootzak. I got the shit sandwich.

  • Blocked x via phone and email nearly two years ago. This challenge got me to check — I evidently removed his name, just left the numbers/email addresses (or at least the ones I knew of…).

    Think of and refer to him as fuckface. Unless in polite company, in which case he’s dirtbag or POS.

  • I just keep him blocked. Our son was an adult when we divorced so no need to talk to him. Our son actually did go through something this past year and I heard, “Well, you’ll have to talk to him about it…” Nope. For twenty years nobody felt the need to clue me in on anything so why would I share any information with any of those people now? I talked directly with my son and that’s it. If he’s ever in the hospital, I can talk to his doctors, I’m his mother. I don’t need his father or anybody else to do that. They can keep their secrets. I’m out.

  • Niet opnemen – don’t pick up. This was on my land line so anyone in the house knew not to pick up the phone.

  • Rodney- He was always Rod. Only his mom called him Rodney and he spent most of his time being annoyed with her. So now he’s Rodney in my phone. I don’t want my kids to see anything else but it’s a jab if you know him. Insert evil laugh here.

  • He’s just been blocked since we divorced 3 years ago, but during the divorce, I would get panic attacks when I saw his name on the caller ID, so my friend wisely suggested I change it to something that would make me laugh. It worked like a charm. It was particularly hilarious listening to Siri read me his texts on CarPlay: “Unicorn H. Fluffypants says….”

  • Phil Landerer…., my children are too young to understand if he pops up on my phone but he will always be that on my contact now.

  • FW’s insulting phone nickname has some loaded meaning: Dr. McDouchy.

    FW’s not a doctor but former Schmoopie seemed to genuinely believe she was living the mate-poaching plot from Gray’s Anatomy (same plot in every Shondaland series) which she’d watched religiously since 2005. She thought FW was her McDreamy and no-strings banging would lead to twu wuv and then he would dump his cold and nasty wife and marry her and and and and…

    FW disclosed during the RIC/CSAT therapy debacle that the AP was a GA fanatic and he kind of knew all along that they were playing out mismatched fantasies. He thought this was a big therapeutic confession to express “guilt” that he was reenacting hardcore porn while she was playing out a sappy soapy triangle. Poor, poor AP. So I pointed out how the AP’s fantasy story line ends, at least according to Gray’s Anatomy: Dr. McDouchy’s character is killed off in a crash and leaves the protagonist all his money! I remember FW’s eyes glazing over with shock. That was the first moment he expressed any negativity towards the AP. He started muttering out recollections about how the AP was always plying for money, expensive gifts, swanky bars and restaurants, etc., and would sulk and get nasty if she didn’t get these things, as if it had only just occurred to him he was basically an old sugar daddy. Some cheater’s immediately throw their APs under the bus and depict themselves as hapless victims of scheming floozies. But FW was more in the ranks of narcissists who hate thinking their supplies have ulterior motives aside from worshiping the narc’s sparkly-sparkles. He expressed feeling “betrayed.”

    Just a side not for anyone who thinks that the operative phrase in “full disclosure” is “closure,” I can promise that the more “honest” a FW is, the worse and more meaningless it gets. Some actually expect you to feel bad for them if they get burned or used on the meat market or if their schmoopies turn out to be equally creepy. And that’s as deep as their feelings ever go.

    Affairs seem like nihilistic onions. At the center is a void and in every void is the smell of death. The AP seemed to have eerie long term plans for FW and he may have had eerie plans for himself– all probably scarily unconscious. Just before the affair he’d begun binge-drinking in secret and had become suicidally depressed. I’m not sure if this was because of a “narcissistic injury” following a drama involving FW’s awful mommy or the fact that he’s one of those people who go off the deep end from one drink. Even scarier is that during the affair and before D-day, FW began angrily denying he’d ever been depressed in the first place much less had alluded to suicide. It was chilling. I’d been so worried at one point that I’d started leaning over backwards and making my needs tiny to accommodate him. And then, poof, he just erased from his mind the entire chain of events, including all my chumpy efforts to help. Before I suspected cheating, I found clues about the secret drinking and assumed this was the root of his behavioral changes, read stuff from Al-anon and tried to “detach with love.” D’Oh. Too bad there’s no Assaholics Anonymous for those fatally addicted to being demented lying assholes.

    So the soap opera reference in FW’s nickname isn’t exactly ha-ha funny. It’s a reminder that death is all around the margins of betrayal and that fantasists are walking suicides and can be lethal to others. That last concept could probably use more explanation but it’s just something I’ve noticed about more than one dissociated fantasy addict– that terrible things seem to always happen around them or to them as if it’s some subconscious manifesto. For instance, I’d had to stop working a decade before the affair to care for a middle child who developed a chronic medical condition. FW could have taken all of us down with him.. The affair was dangerously booze-soaked and involved a lot of drunken freeway driving by both the AP and FW, plus FW’s liver visibly inflated during that time. As hard as it is to admit considering everything he did, the kids and I once deeply loved FW so if the affair had been fatal, it would have left his family blindsided by loss. Now in light of what he did, what remains is the colder realization that FW could have easily died in circumstances where life insurance wouldn’t pay out and he could have left the kids destitute. For our middle child that could have been literally fatal.

    FW assumed his alcoholism would be viewed as an alibi for the affair and abuse of his family. Instead it made his contact with the kids conditional: he would have to permanently prove commitment to recovery. As far as I know, he quit drinking the day he dumped the AP and hasn’t touched it since. It wouldn’t be that surprising because he’d never consumed more than a few drinks a year for the entire marriage up to the point just before the affair. That doesn’t mean I think his drinking “caused” the affair and abuse and now he’s a unicorn. The personality disorder was always there and booze only unmasked it. The rule of domestic offenders is that they drink in ORDER to abuse and be destructive, not the other way around.

    • “Affairs seem like nihilistic onions. At the center is a void and in every void is the smell of death.”

      Another fantastic HOAC quote. I want to save some of your quotes in a notebook, if that’s okay with you. I like to collect great CN material to read again.

      My FW started binge drinking just prior to cheating as well. He blames his downward spiral on the death of his father, who was also a binge alcoholic and a cheater. I guess he was out to live his father’s pathetic life all over again, which is what the chronically stupid often do to pay a sick sort of homage to a dead parent. There was one key difference- I didn’t stick around for more of that bullshit like FW’s mother did. She then had to care for her husband for the last three years of his life, changing his damn diapers after being cheated on throughout their marriage, getting STDs, and then being denied sex for many years, presumably because she had aged out and he preferred prostitutes. I can’t imagine doing that for somebody who treated me so cruelly. She was able to live in denial about it and insisted his childlike dependence on her during his illness was long awaited proof of his everlasting love. Smh.

  • I shuffled thru several names; “Wayward Vagina”, “The Human Tick” and simply “Don’t Answer!”, but eventually summoned the courage to block her via phone, email, everything.
    No Contact; it’s the only way to go!

  • He’s not my ex. But a couple of years ago, I went on a date with a chief executive from a large, well-known company. I asked him, ‘So, you’ve mentioned you have kids, but you’ve never mentioned a wife and you’re not wearing a ring. But you’ve never mentioned an ex-wife, either.’

    I got classic sad sausage response.

    He became, ‘Coward in Chief’ in my phone for as long as he remained a valid business contact. Now he’s blocked.

  • I forgot to mention I literally just yesterday found out how to do song bits as ringtones on my iPhone. I also mainly keep my phone on silent when I’m home, but at work I have to keep everything on to get communication from my coworkers (FedEx Express couriers). So if the FW XW does call me at some point in the future while I’m working, I’m hoping to rotate between a few ringtones for her. Right now, I’m thinking of rotating between at least these five (but good God, there’s many more possibilities!):

    1. Steely Dan’s My Rival, using the part where Donald Fagen sings, “I loved you more than I can tell, but now it’s stomping time…”
    2. Christina Aguilera’s Fighter, using the part that says, “Thought I would forget, but I, I remember, I remember, I remember!”
    3. ELO’s Evil Woman, the part where Jeff Lynne sings, “Evil woman how you done me wrong/but now you’re tryin’ to wail a different song/Ha ha funny, how you broke me up/You made the wine now you drink a cup
    4. Queen’s Who Needs You, the whole song, but especially the end, where Freddie Mercury sings with his usual greatness, “When I met you, you were always charming/Couldn’t sleep at night ‘til you were mine/You were oh, so, so sophisticated/Never interested in what I’d say/I had to swallow my pride/So naive you took me for a ride/But now I’m the one to decide/Who needs, well, I don’t need, who needs you?
    5. The Beatles Think for Yourself, again the whole song, but especially the refrain, “Do what you want to do/And go where you’re going to/Think for yourself cuz’ I won’t be there with you

    • What about Beyonces new song ‘Break My Soul’

      … If you don’t seek it, you won’t see it
      That we all know (can’t break my soul)
      If you don’t think it, you won’t be it
      That love ain’t yours (can’t break my soul)

  • So my counselor at Womens refuge made me get back to using his name. I was calling him all kinds of names and she said it was like a kind of acceptance therapy to use his name. So I stared doing it and at first it was terrible but then, she was right. It took the emotions down a notch. When we were still together I had his cute nickname and a photo. I took the photo off and then just had asshole in there! Then I had other names then just his initials. Then I went back to his full name, including middle name. So it feels formal when I see it-distant, like when a client texts me which is pretty much never now anyway. It works for me- he’s such a low life he doesn’t even deserve a shitty name.

  • His name in my phone is “Mr. Wrong”. And he’s only in my phone so that I can block him from randomly calling and leaving voicemails or texting me, or worse yet, me accidentally answering his calls. We were only boyfriend/girlfriend, no kids…but still, many years later, the sociopath still likes to contact me…like we are friends, and I am a dating option or something!

  • (First Name)-LIAR-CHEATER-STEALER Pathetic.
    I would make it longer, but i got sick of typing. His picture is the shit emoji.
    While I do not want to wish my children’s childhoods away, I cannot wait to delete him altogether the minute my youngest turns 18!

  • I just remembered this. More than a dozen years ago, my mother-in-law handed her cell phone to me to call someone for her while she had her hands full with something else. As I scrolled through her contacts list for the number, I caught the name PUTZ attached to my sister-in-law’s – that is, HER OWN DAUGHTER’s – phone number. This was probably 4- 6 months after SIL blew up her marriage upon confessing that she’d been having an affair with a co-worker, and my MIL was still giving some expression to her righteous anger and disgust with her darling daughter through her cell phone. It pleased me. At that time, I was struggling with Snakeface’s precious friendship with Spiritual Slut/Tuberculosis, and I suspected his second affair was either imminent or already going on. Viewing even G-rated disapproval of a cheaterpants gave me a little comfort.

    My former in-laws have three kids, and they have had to live with the knowledge that two of them – Snakeface and darling ex-SIL – cheated on their spouses. They never stopped loving their kids, but they also never stopped loving me or my chumped ex-BIL, and they never blamed us for their kids’ infidelities to ease their own pain and disappointment. My FIL wasn’t much of a communicator, but my MIL had no qualms about telling her kids what she thought of their behavior, was clearly angry for a reasonable period of time, then got it out of her system, accepted the reality of the altered family, and moved on. I always admired her for that.

  • He comes up on my phone as- It’s A Trap
    Just to remind myself to never, ever trust him. We get along pretty civilly now, but I’ll never trust him again 😕

  • Name: Attila the Nerd
    Address 10000 Stupidity Way, Apartment 666
    Twatville, IMADIK
    Occupation: Head Dick In Charge, Fucktard Inc.
    Website: hornyandnerdy.com

  • Kids see the phone so I went subtle. Let’s say FW’s name is Tom. So I named him “A Tom”. Any Tom. Just a Tom. Nothing special. Ringtone is ordinary also. FW does not deserve any special consideration from me anymore 🥱

  • Well, I haven’t done any on my phone because I’m worrief my kids would see it but I’ve come up with three nicknames based on his love of sci-fi, RPGs, and fantasy:
    1. Lord of the Cockrings
    2. Darth Narcissus
    3. Dungeons and Hard-Ons

  • Blocked. It used to be “User” and his theme song was “Why Don’t You Do Right?” : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uTcw_A80Bo

    Lyrics below:
    You had plenty money, 1922
    You let other women make a fool of you
    Why don’t you do right, like some other men do?
    Get out of here and get me some money too
    You’re sittin’ down and wonderin’ what it’s all about
    You ain’t got no money, they will put you out
    Why don’t you do right, like some other men do?
    Get out of here and get me some money too
    If you had prepared twenty years ago
    You wouldn’t be a-wanderin’ now from door to door
    Why don’t you do right, like some other men do?
    Get out of here and get me some money too
    I fell for your jivin’ and I took you in
    Now all you got to offer me’s a drink of gin
    Why don’t you do right, like some other men do?
    Get out of here and get me some money too
    Why don’t you do right, like some other men do?
    Like some other men do

  • I’m only 6 weeks post D-day so I have gone with out and out sarcasm…

    “His Highness, Best Husband Ever & Love of my Life”

    His profile pic is one of a snake wearing a rainbow unicorn hat.

    DD18 looked at it today in the car when he rang – (just after she’d asked me if she could have my rings, *especially the one with the diamond*, “to remind her of the time when she didn’t come from a broken home”, the mercenary little minx!) – and said “you really need to change that soon!”

  • Ring tone is “Lips Are Movin’” (Meghan Trainor)
    Names in phone:
    For his work contact info: JJ (stands for Joe Jeckyl)
    For his personal contact info: JH
    (stands for Joe Hyde)

  • I don’t have his number. He abandoned his old number when he left. I’ve never asked him for his new number. I don’t need it. I have email contact only. He abandoned his phone number, possessions, children, business, home….

  • Early on (when FW still called — it’s been years since then), my son (at 9 or 10) was too observant and I knew if FW called me in the car, my son would easily see the name. So I just put FW’s actual name … but ONE letter misspelled (an s at the end of his first name because his last name starts with s…but then his last name right after). That subtle “mistake” was because I know that self-righteous avid-reader FW would be annoyed by it. (It still makes me laugh!)

    Of course my son even noticed THAT (in the car when FW called) and pointed out that it was misspelled. And I just responded “you’re right. I should fix it.” And then it never came up again when I didn’t.

    These days FW’s ring tone is “You’re a Nag” – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (but FW never calls anymore 🙂

  • It is just his name now – after 7 years – we never talk or text – but he used to be fuckwit. Now the AP turned wifey is listed as whore.

  • I left his name on my phone and expect to never hear him from again. If there is ever a call I wouldn’t answer anyway. Simple.

    • I should have emphasized that he spent more time on his vanity project; his hair (or now lack of… due to stress of divorce) than his own childen. Karma.

  • I used a screenshot of uncle Fester from Addams Family due to the uncanny resemblance. His contact name was Glitter Balls because he was pretty nuts to throw away a really good life for Craigslist hookups. Last I heard he was moving out of state so I don’t have to worry about running into him at restaurants or shops any more. It only took 3 years for the last of his mail to stop coming to my house – the last of which were notices from the IRS – so we are fully no contact now.

  • A taco emoticon. With initials VGN. Plausible deniability to the kids that it’s short for vaughan his middle name. But now he’s blocked. I think going on 6 months. oFW doesn’t notify me anymore either. zmustkyboeaceful unr today when he brought owhife to camp pickup. Guess she’s not scared of me anymore. ugh. sigh.

  • Love love love all of these!! They have given me much inspiration, tho alas, I have young ones that use my phone so would see it, so I’m limited, but this has definitely given me some ideas. Thank you, everyone, and thank you CL, for this great post!!

  • I just recently started randomly changing his name in my phone and it makes me feel so much better. I have young kids with him, so unfortunately I have to continue to deal with him. Here are a few names I have used.
    Douche Bag
    MF CHTR (MF stands for Mother Fucking)
    Total Tool

  • Original contact name: “Their Dad”

    He thought that was disrespectful so now it reads “Father of _____(our eldest)”, which in his culture is a respect term of reference but still avoids me having to see his name.

  • A is for Asshat. My Wasband’s name starts with an A

    His affair partner’s name in my phone is Asshat’s Poor Decision

  • Eeyore. Because he’s a pathetic whiner who whines endlessly about his “childhood trauma” and blames it for all of his bad choices (he grew up in the lap of luxury but just didn’t get enough love from his mommy, wahhh). Changed his picture too. Ringtone was the Exorcist theme for a while, now it’s a UFO noise. Best part is that when I forwarded him the Evite to our kid’s birthday party, I could see when he responded that the subject line had gone out as “Great news, Eeyore! C has invited you to a party!” Of course he never said a word about it because in addition to being a ridiculous Eeyore, he’s a cowardly whorefucker.

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