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UBT: The Children Made Me Cheat

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

In loathsome clickbait news, many chumps sent me the Daily Mail’s “I didn’t want to cheat on my wife. But having children wrecked our sex life.”

Let’s take a moment of silence and reflect on this man’s suffering.

His episiotomy scars. His leaky boobs. His incontinence. That wailing barnacle barfing in his hair. .

Oh! I’m sorry. That would be Mr. Anonymous’s wife. Her suffering is immaterial. The important thing to know is she’s not putting out. Set that squalling newborn down for a moment and blow your husband, lady! He Has Needs.

The Universal Bullshit Translator is balking.

I can’t do this much misogyny before noon, Tracy.

(Furious procurement of Lebkuchen ensues.)

After some intense negotiations, the UBT has agreed to choke down portions of this, but demands songs of praise and a strong shot of motor oil to recover. It’s a cranky old machine.

The birth of your children is supposed to be the pinnacle of married life. So, after almost 20 years of marriage and with two fantastic daughters, am I thanking my lucky stars that my wife and I made the leap from partners to parents?

In short, no. A shocking thing to say? Yes, absolutely. But there’s more: the truth is, deep down, I don’t think any man ever wants to swap those heady days of coupledom for becoming a family unit.

Fantastic daughters, I regret your existence. I think I speak for all men when I say, as compared to a life of unfettered orgasms, you’re rather worthless.

Who can deny that children introduce stress and strife into a relationship? And parenthood often turns a formerly loving couple into, at best, exhausted comrades in arms — at worst, adversaries.

Sleep deprivation makes me craft dating profiles at best. At worst, hookers.

I’ve been married for 20 years and over the past five, I’ve had several affairs and numerous flings. And — be as disapproving as you like — I don’t regret it.

Be as disapproving as you like! I’ve written this anonymously!

In my mid-40s with a decent career in human resources, how do I get away with it?

No one can report me to Human Resources, because I’m human resources! #cleverboy

At first, everything was great. We had lots in common, enjoyed spending time together and had a great sex life, making love every day. Sex with her was the best and always left me feeling satisfied, like I could take on the world.

Within a year of marriage, our eldest daughter arrived and, two years later, we were a family of four.

Raising two daughters changed me profoundly — in good ways, to begin with. I became much more patient and tolerant, knowing I had to put them — and my wife — first, which I did happily.

Raising two daughters changed me profoundly — now I had fresh new girl-creatures to practice my misogyny on.

I’m patient, tolerant, I put them first — after the numerous flings, affairs, and sexy blow-up dolls.

#daddyneedssomeMEtime

Suddenly, the woman I desired, and who used to desire me, would barely touch me. If I tried to initiate sex she would move away or say she was tired, leaving me upset and frustrated.

It turned out we differed on how to raise the children, too. I believed they should slot into our lives, not the other way round. But she was more interested in mother-and-toddler groups and swimming lessons than us or me.

Four years into our marriage, we had a two-year-old and a baby — and a non-existent sex life.

Our non-existent sex life has created two children! That never happens with Cindy my blow-up doll. I just.. slot in… and no swim meets! Why can’t my wife be more like Cindy?

Before, my wife used to make the effort to seduce me, doing her hair, make-up and striving to look her most attractive. But post-kids, all efforts dropped off a cliff. She would live day-in, day-out, in baggy T-shirts and jogging bottoms. If I’m honest, I felt cheated and deprived.

Before my wife used to make an effort to frost my cupcakes, do her huckleberry fandango, and squirrel surf to look her most gallywag. But then, she dropped me off a cliff. “TADPOLES AT THREE!” echoed the canyon.

I’m sorry the UBT has malfunctioned. 

If I’m honest, I felt cheated and deprived.

If I’m honest, I cheat and deprive

.

I was expected to carry out the hard but necessary jobs around the house — washing the car, emptying the dishwasher and, of course, helping out with the childcare

But there are only so many times you can hear a woman say how tired and exhausted she is before recognising that the problem isn’t with you, it’s with her. Something in my brain shifted.

The problem is this wife appliance is worn out. Do you ask the vacuum cleaner’s permission to shop for a new vacuum cleaner? No.

I tried to keep it to this — at first. But within six months I was out at a club at least one night every weekend. I would chat to countless women each evening. Some I would see again, others I would flirt with over text messages because I was enjoying the attention.

I’ve got a wife who tells me she’s exhausted. What will really help her find me desirable is me going out clubbing every weekend, cruising for strange. HEY, you have swim class. Daddy’s got disco.

#Studio50fuckwit

How I dressed on nights out was different, too; I kept my new wardrobe hidden in the office. I was already in good shape, and started buying more expensive clothes, tailored to enhance my physique.

The biggest difference was that my confidence — along with my sexual mojo — was back.

We saw each other for three heady months. Then I ended things when she began to fall for me — it needed to be carefree.

Hey, this is just a cheap fuck. Don’t make me pay for it.

Infidelity is my coping mechanism

The UBT would like to feed you through a combine harvester. It’s his coping mechanism.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • What a waste of space this man is. He is just a giant man baby. Me me me me me.

    His wife would be so much better off without him. Hopefully sooner than later one of his hook ups is a bunny boiler and she tells the poor woman.

    He has no soul.

  • What a great role model for your children. Ugh this hits a nerve. ‘I didn’t think having a daughter would mean I would lose a girlfriend’ pipes up the ex. I would have had one night stands, I had offers, but I didn’t but other men would have. I wanted more.

    So when he used to work till past midnight and for one period fell asleep in my daughter’s room as we had both been won’t to do when she was young and frankly you are just flaming cream crackers, I stupidly was worried about how late he was having to work to make time with us in the day. All lies of course and now apparently he wasn’t really working and it’s my fault he slept in the other room blah blah (just insert my fault at the start of everything).

    The one thing about having children, if you can do that and go back home and look at your wife or your kids and not feel sick with yourself then you aren’t someone I’d want in my life.

  • WTF!! Poor narcissist can’t stop thinking about himself long enough to see the struggles his wife is having. Wonder if he ever got all gussied up and tried to properly seduce her instead of rolling over when she’s asleep and hoping for a quickie.
    Kids do exhaust you, but the rewards are immeasurable.
    Wonder if his wife knows. What a dirtbag.

    • Why waste your emotions on someone whose brain, liver and leydig cells are currently curdling from all the boozy bar cruising, is half a minute away from turning to sawdust from the rib cage down and is going to wake up with a broken jaw, concussion and minus a watch and wallet in a seedy motel this time next year?

  • “I was expected to carry out the hard but necessary jobs around the house — washing the car, emptying the dishwasher and, of course, helping out with the childcare…”

    Oh no! He had to empty the dishwasher???? Help with the children?? Who wouldn’t cheat given these hardships?

    Seriously, what the ever living fuck did I just read? This guy is over-the-top selfish. I just can’t.

    My own FW wasn’t this extreme (I don’t think), but I got a light version of this selfish BS.

    Fuck these shallow, selfish people. They live empty lives. They are incapable of rich relationships. And, once whatever shine they have wears off, they will end up sad and alone, wondering why their own kids don’t want to be with them.

    • That line jumped out at me too! This is what he considers hard work? And don’t even get me started on his “helping out” with his own children. This guy is the poster child of man-babies.

      Reminds me of The Entitled One’s friend who divorced his wife when their twins were two years old because “I didn’t have a wife anymore.” He was trolling the gym at what he called “mistress hour” for a replacement Wife Appliance who could more properly make him the center of the universe and provide blow jobs on demand.

    • Mine was that extreme. I just didn’t know it for many years. All I saw was the side of him that wouldn’t mow the law , so I strapped the baby on the carrier and mowed it while he sat inside on his phone.

      I saw the side that took my requests/pleas to do the dishes, play with the kids, anything that involved getting off the phone as “criticism”. And criticism gave him the sadz. And hookers and one night stands gave him the happies!

    • Omg. This is almost exactly what my ex said in marriage counseling and we are now divorced. I put kids before him and turned him away. He could have no life because I always expected he would share in actually raising the kids he supposedly wanted. He had an affair also because I was always rejecting him. All the same stuff. Literally could have written this.

      His household chores consisted on dishes, helping with laundry and mowing the grass/ shoveling snow. Refused to do kids baths, bedtime, go to any dr appt etc.

      Story ended with divorce : told him in counseling. 3 years in August. Life is hellish busy and my house is a mess both days but my kids are thriving. I am happy not having a partner and not having to say no and deal with the why nots all the time. Bought a house, made it a home. On the worst days I wish I had a partner but he never ever was one since we had our first child. Every step I take is for and because of my kids.

      • Same!! When we were really having issues and he still refused to help with anything in the household, I told him “well you will have to do it ALL if we separate”. He was shocked–but guess what–we divorced and he is still alone–doing it ALL on his own!! Hope he loves it!!

      • Oh, classic. The can’t face the truth whiner who thinks any request for change is unfair criticism. It doesn’t matter how nicely you ask, either.

        Mine wouldn’t even mow the lawn for most of our marriage until I just stopped doing it. I’d had enough. Then the neighbors, feeling sorry for me, did it for me, and he was embarrassed that they knew he sucks. So he started to cut it occasionally. His parenting consisted of sometimes reading the kids bedtime stories and taking them to the park or out for ice cream. Full on Disney Dad.

        At one point while he was cheating, he flew into a rage because I asked him to put his used glass in the dishwasher. “I don’t have to put my dishes away! Why should I?” he bellowed.
        Both my daughter and I informed him that he had best do so and stop yelling or find himself another place to live. He grudgingly put that one glass in the dishwasher, then proceeded to leave his dishes out whenever my back was turned.
        Whenever he was confronted on that or his many other lazy, selfish ways he yelled; “I do the dishes ALL THE TIME! I do PLENTY around here!” ???? it was total bullshit, but he howled with outrage and with the utmost conviction that it *had* to be true.

        • My ex would use Japanese knife to spread butter and condiments on his damn sandwiches and leave them on the counter greasy no matter what I said. I even bought him two different professional sandwich knives, and somehow he had to use the one knife I asked him not to. Eventually I bought a better knife and hid it from him.

          Everything in that house of decent quality was mine, and of course he insisted on keeping some of it for exactly that reason.

          The triumph of the toddler will is the point.

    • Yup he had to do the “hard” jobs! Not the things a husband and father already does. I heard the same damn thing. Wow. Just wow

    • That last sentence was written by Nostradamus. That’s exactly what happened to my father. He burned so many bridges that he wound up dying a lonely bitter old man. As for me, no fucks given.

      • My ex burned his bridges too. Offended, abused, and pushed people away. Including OW. He killed himself and he had NO ONE. I was literally the only person that noticed he was missing. I was the only one who went looking. I finally got the police and the landlord over to his house and they found his body. It had been almost a week since he’d died.

        It is tragic, but on the other hand, he chose that path. He rejected every attempt I made to save our marriage (or what I thought was a marriage). He chose to abuse the new (“perfect”) woman he left me for. He took offense at every perceived slight (most of them completely made up by him in his own mind) of his friends, he chose to associate with sycophants and hangers on who wanted to use him for their own success, he cut off his whole family for things that they did 30+ years ago that they had tried to resolve and heal. My therapist said “you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved”. FW’s mother told me, when I said I felt guilty that I hadn’t recognized the signs in time, “We’ve been trying to save him for years, since he was a teenager” and that it really wasn’t my fault in any way.

    • He had to empty the dishwasher?!?
      I’ll bet you he insisted that she loaded it all wrong too! He would show her the proper way… as FW’s do.

    • “Hard work”? He’s describing *some* of my girlhood chores. I mowed the lawn and raked leaves, too. I had a small amount of responsibility for watching over my younger sibling. As one does. Five will get you ten I did more than this whiny sleazebag ever did.

      The family will be better off without him

    • “Seriously, what the ever living fuck did I just read?”

      Exact same thought I had reading this.

      How did this manchild think babies would be fun hobbies you just “slot into” your life – not helpless life forms that you need to actively keep alive 24 hours a day FOR YEARS until they become self-sufficient?

      Does he think cars wash themselves? Or that such a “hard but necessary” job is somehow harder than pushing 2 babies out of your body?

      He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a mommy bangmaid to wipe his ass and fuck on demand.

      One of the most delusional letters I’ve read here in a while, and I’ve read some doozies. My God.

  • Good God!! He needs a good punch to the head. I have daughters in their 20’s and 30’s and they are so done with men. They look at then as burdens with not a lot to offer. Men like this (I know there are good men out there but I would like to know where they are hiding) are going to find themselves redundant because of their entitlement. The bar is higher than just having a job and a penis.

    • I agree with your daughters.

      My marriage always felt like we were drowning and I was desperately trying to keep my head above water with him clinging onto my back.

      Without his weight dragging me down I can flip on my back, float, and admire the sky.

      • Haha. YES.

        And it is so vindicating because FW always said *I* was dragging *HIM* down and he was keeping us afloat. After we struck out and went our own ways, I wasn’t the one who drowned.

    • My successful, professional, wonderful daughter is in her mid thirties and contemplating parenthood. I’ve encouraged her to consider solo parenting using a clinic to get inseminated. After everything my kids suffered at sociopath-dad’s hands, it seems like a much less risky path.

    • Many don’t even have a decent job or have broken their dicks on porn.

      In 15 years of dating, I didn’t meet a single man who was husband material. I know they’re out there, because my father is fantastic. He set the bar high for me, but most men can’t even hit the bare minimum and openly hate women.

      Been consciously single for years now and loving it.

  • The birth of our first child and then second a quick 16 months later really showed and escalated his narcissistic personality disorder. He even said during our divorce trial, “our marriage was good until the kids came along”. Everyone in the court room did a double take on that comment. Gee wonder why you lost physical and legal custody?

    • Whenever a couple would announce they were going to have a baby, cheater would mumble under his breath, there goes their marriage.

    • You notice how both that FW and the one in the article talk about kids “coming along” or “arriving”, like they had nothing whatsoever to do with it, the kid just showed up on the doorstep out of the blue one day?

        • Which reminds me of the day our son was born. I was in labor for 24 hours, during this time Cheater slept in a recliner, went home, took a shower, chose an outfit to change into for photos, went out to eat, came back to the hospital and continued to nap in the recliner.. The nurse woke him up when it was time for me to push. After two hours of pushing the Dr. gave me a 10 minute break, cheater walks up to me with a sad face and says, my feet really hurt …

        • I remember a letter to Chump Lady some months back about a cheater complaining his wife ruined their marriage when she got herself pregnant. At this point, I shouldn’t be surprised by cheater selfishness, but that letter stopped me in my tracks too.

    • I bet he failed to notice the courtroom’s collective response and is still clueless to this day why he lost custody.

      The selfishness and stupidity in these pricks are breathtaking. If we hadn’t lived it ourselves, I doubt any of us would believe it ourselves.

  • another example of guy who expects women to provide sex and labour. that’s it. gah. it’s a lot to take in when so baldly stated, isn’t it?

  • These types of men hold the standard for women so high, we have to be perfect mothers, have a great career, take care of the home, and still seduce them once a day or more.

    Meanwhile their bar for themselves is so low they can lie and cheat and commit financial fraud.

    The entitlement is bonkers.

    • Someone mentioned to me recently that the bar for women these days is through the roof while the bar for men hasn’t moved at all. We’re expected to have good jobs and split bills (or even pay them altogether) while supporting a man through HIS career, and of course have babies and keep house while we do it.

      Meanwhile, I’ve lost count how many men have acted like I’m asking for too much when I want the bare minimum: emotional labor, good hygiene, a job, proper courtship.

  • For all his smug, arrogant bragging about his double life, this is the type who will be reduced to pathetic, tearful begging when his wife throws him out. I hope it happens soon. One of his little girlfriends needs to drop the wife a line or two and blow the whole thing up.

  • Wow, that poor FW. Infidelity is just a coping mechanism???? He can spend time, energy and money to go clubbing but can’t spend some money to give his wife some relief? Emptying the dishwasher as a major task?????? This guy is just unreal.
    My FW also thought that he did huge amounts of housework by taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. Both of us worked full time, we had one son. I handled all the child care, he could not bother to stay at home wit a sick kid ever. I also did the cooking, cleaning, laundry and all things related to son’s activities. He showed up at games some time. I was a superwoman without even knowing it. Adulting is just so hard for these FWs.
    I get my freedom next month. Son is now 26 years old and NC with the FW. FW is living his best sparkly life with a 32 years younger woman. Hope he can keep up.
    UBT, I know that was some hard work. I will send some extra lebkuchen and motor oil your way because this was a lot to breakdown.

    • 33 years younger????
      Yeah, that oughta work.
      I can’t decide which of them is more pathetic.
      And I wonder how it feels to be a walking cliche?
      Congratulations on your upcoming release!
      I’m glad your son is NC.
      Your soon to be X has a heaping dose of karma a comin’ his way.

      • Karma is bound to come. He has said that they have so much in common (like what, I wonder). I think basically the only thing they have in common is that she wants his money and the easy life and he wants a pussy buffet on demand and someone to worship his specialness. UGH.
        As for me, I am too busy trying the be Tina the Tool Girl and fixing up my new house. Schmoopie can have him with all his sparkles. I am just fine with being with quality friends and keeping an eye on my parents. My son is in the Navy so we keep in touch often and he comes home on leave or I go to see him (he is about a six hour drive away now). I trust that he sucks and that will not change.

      • No not quite. FW is 66 and SparkleTwat is 34. My son is 26. I am getting ready to turn 58. FW was trying out the Sugar Baby sites prior to finding Schmoopie. Guess he has a lot in common with 20 somethings.

    • “Both of us worked full time, we had one son. I handled all the child care, he could not bother to stay at home wit a sick kid ever. I also did the cooking, cleaning, laundry and all things related to son’s activities. He showed up at games some time. I was a superwoman without even knowing it. Adulting is just so hard for these FWs.”

      SAME. And he, for all that he said he hated me, etc., couldn’t leave til he’d found another woman to do those things for him. I started keeping track of all the times he wanted me to take our son on his (FW’s) days because either FW was sick or our kid was sick (or FW wanted to go somewhere with OW and just lied about being sick), so I could show it to the custody evaluator.

  • His chores were HARD? Unloading the dishwasher? (Gee… can’t touch icky dirty dishes to do the loading!) Cleaning the car? You know what cleaning the car was for klootzak? A way to avoid our child. A way to hang out in the garage and text schmoopies with no one around to see. Who was cooking? Changing diapers? Doing laundry? Oh wait… apparently he was called upon to babysit once in a while so I’m sure he plunked the kids in front of a TV. I once asked klootzak to feed our 2 month old a bottle. He laid him in a pillow, propped a towel on the infant’s chest under the bottle to tilt it up so the baby could drink, and proceeded to play video games. #fuckwitchildcare. Jeez… poor sausages’ lives are so hard.

    Please Lord tell me his wife finds out and gets a better life without him. This annoy creep should be outed.

    • Love love love when they refer to caring for their children as “babysitting.” So good of him to “help” with the kids, thus easing the burden on the person who’s actually responsible for them.

  • Why do these assholes never TELL their spouses how they’re feeling??? They just make unilateral decisions to fuck around and risk destroying lives instead of BEING AN ADULT and TALKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!!

    Seriously fuck right off…you are disordered pieces of dog shit.

    • He doesn’t tell his wife because he knows he’s an entitled a-hole & he doesn’t really want his marriage to be better…he wants to justify his pussy buffet!

    • They don’t tell their spouses because they know how effed up they sound. Instead they screw around and tell their effed up feelings anonymously to readers of the Daily Mail.

    • All the words he uses here aren’t his feelings or the reality of the situation. This is just his bullshit narrative to justify his cheating rather than admit he’s a lying piece of shit.

      His feelings are as shallow and the same as all cheating narcissists: “I want to fuck as many other people as I can – and get off on my power and deception – because it makes me feel good about myself.”

  • What a douche bag! Has he ever considered paying for a babysitter or a cleaning service? Poor thing…you have to empty the dishwasher.

    This is misogyny at its finest. The wife is so much better off without him. Single parenthood will probably be much easier because she went from three children to two.

    • Completely agree! And he’s not going to pay for a babysitter or cleaning service because that would destroy his bullshit justification for cheating. Every time I tried to address The Entitled One’s complaints, he reacted with rage and abuse. Eventually I figured out it was because he didn’t want any marital problems solved … he just wanted to cheat and not feel like he was the asshole.

      And yep, life was easier when I only had two children to raise rather than two children and a narcissist man-baby.

    • Gonegirl, the babysitter and the cleaning service… don’t FWs just lord it over the lesser-earning parent (because even if you don’t have a job, you’re still working but for free) that they’re the breadwinner, but then refuse to spend it on something that doesn’t directly benefit them?

      FW was actually helpful when he was around, but by the end it was literally MAYBE 4-6 days a month. And of course he refused certain chores, I was still the default parent unless I asked him to take the kids, typical stuff. But reasonably helpful.

      Anyway I was in grad school (no he didn’t pay for it), then working and got to the point where I needed help with 2 toddlers+house work. Do you think he would get a cleaner, or lawn service, even once a month? Of course not.

      Schmoopie gave him xyz attention, and I was ungrateful, I didn’t give to him, yada yada, so he apologized for cheating but it was still my fault in the end. All the entitled man baby stuff.

      Then we split and didn’t he buy a house/yard same size as the old one, and start working from home 1/3 of the time so he could get custody. He must pay someone to take care of the yard because he’s not home 3+ weeks at a time and it’s cut. But would he stay home or hire help before the split? No, because he could just put all the burden on me and then expect me to worship him for it.

      I’m kind of glad he cheated and then showed what a hypocritical fuck he is, or I’d still be in that situation thinking “well he cooked three dinners and mowed the lawn TWICE this month! And watched the kids a whole FOUR HOURS while I finished my work hours for the week!” and actually thinking I should be happy with that. Now I have a little easy house and help with the kids a third of the time. Sure paying all the bills myself sucks, but it’s far better than trying to please a third child with the emotional maturity and entitlement of a 13 year old on top of everything else. No offense to any teens out there.

  • I’m sure my ex complained in the same way to justify his shitty behaviour. Despite marriage counselling & me constantly! asking how he could help increase my desire for sex (ya know, foreplay), he never wanted to put in the effort. He expected me to be a hot babe receptacle at any moment. Unfortunately, porn has fostered this expectation, especially for entitled men. Where’s the love & care in this relationship?? Non-existence.

    • My ex used to say, “Just ask me to help you when you need it!” Curlychump asks for help…
      “You don’t need me to do this at this time… I’m doing this other helpful thing at this other time, you’re trying to control me! You don’t want me to have any friends!” Fuck all of his BS gatekeeping and moving of the goalposts. So happy I’m not trying to navigate that BS anymore.

      • Oh yes I got “let me know what I can do” and then when I did, FW would respond “are you kidding? You can’t manage that by yourself?”… all the time. SO happy to be FWFree for 6 years!

        Though one of my happiest memories of marital therapy is when FW complained that he had more household duties than I did. My jaw dropped but before I could say anything our therapist was like “Ok let’s go with that. Let’s make a list of both of your responsibilities.” FW instantly back-pedaled so hard. God that was a great day 😀

      • The whole “just tell me what to do” not only undercuts their agency, it STILL puts the burden on you, which is insulting enough! Been there, done that. No more.

    • My FW never bother to learn my body and our sex never matured. I ended up having to use a vibe instead of foreplay. When the sex disappeared I didn’t really miss it. But I tried to connect anyway.

      The signs were all there. He had too much to drink. He had gone to bed or fallen asleep. He complained that his drive wasn’t what it used to be. Or that he had a herpes breakout.

      In truth, he was being faithful to his affair partners. Turns out he was a serial cheater for 20 years.

  • My ex said he liked the ow because she didn’t want her kids more like they both were drug and alcohol addicts, missed out he said also because I had a stillborn people still think he’s nice

  • I just have to say, I *love* it when the UBT malfunctions, it makes me double up with laughter! ???????????? “TADPOLES AT THREE”! ????

    You have a definite affinity with Lewis Carroll, CL!

    The thing that absolutely mystified me, is this disgusting piece of shit seems to have no idea that he is exposing (ahem ????) his utter lack of integrity and character. Does this nauseating bellend seriously think he comes across sympathetically??!!

    It’s telling as well that he thinks that most men share his putrid, head up his own arse, viewpoint. Vomit. ????????????

    I hope his poor wife soon finds out, and throws this pig into the sewage where he belongs.

    • Not to mention exposure of disease to his unwitting wife.

      My fw did this at the height of the aids pandemic. But of course I am sure whore was totally faithful, because after all they were in a committed sidefuckship. If a couple of whores can’t trust each other, who can they trust?

  • Oy. I’ve got a headache from reading that drivel (although the UBT’s responses were awesome comedy relief).

    How can anyone be so out of touch with reality that they openly share that they are completely selfish and have zero empathy for anyone? Must be their zero self awareness. This idiot admitted his children got in the way of his fun and he would have been happier without them. Holy crap. ????‍♀️

    Fingers crossed that the ex-wife and daughters are free of that turd of a human and truly happier without that POS

  • Dear God I wish I didn’t check the comments section of that article. The cheater apologists, proud confessions of cheaters, and the flippancy towards the abuse this loser put his wife through is sickening. If these comments represent the popular opinion of the world, it feels hopeless to change the narrative.

    • Consider the source and who reads it. In the 30s The Daily Mail featured the headline “Hurrah for the Blacksh*rts!” Since then it’s all been jingoism, xenophobia, climate change denial, gay-bashing and celebrity cellulite. Wikipedia banned it as a source. One columnist wrote that the average reader is Harry Potter’s Uncle Vernon.

    • In fairness, most of the comments roasted him on a spit. I would normally never read that rag or the comments on it, but I read about a hundred of them and the cheater haters seem to be ahead.

  • He says he’s out clubbing at least once every weekend, going to bars with the boys a few nights every week, spending hours every night chatting to “countless” women, having “physical affairs and flings,” using marital money for the wining and dining and his fancy wardrobe, while resenting that his wife isn’t paying him compliments. He felt cheated and deprived because his exhausted wife wouldn’t dress up and seduce him. “I do struggle a bit with guilt, because cheating is wrong. But my wife is just as guilty as I am for letting things slide.” Disgusting justification.

    And look at the tough stuff he has to do: “I was expected to carry out the hard but necessary jobs around the house — washing the car, emptying the dishwasher and, of course, helping out with the childcare.” He empties the dishwasher, so presumably his wife is the one who shops, cooks and cleans up after meals.

    And “helping out with childcare sounds awfully close to “babysitting.” How about sharing the parenting of those children he helped create within about a year of each other?

    In the article, he says he cuts off affairs after a month so the women don’t get needy. He met one woman every day after work for sex. And he has the nerve to say that his affairs, flings and all the time he spends on finding sexual satisfaction are beneficial for his family. “I wasn’t so frustrated with my wife, nor was I as needy. I was more patient with her — a better husband, in fact — but also more cautious about what I said.
    “I was a better father, too — simply because my sexual needs were being met.”
    That last sentence leaves me cold. It doesn’t sound like he spends much time with his kids. but maybe that is for the best.
    He said he’s had a few counseling sessions with his wife, yet apparently hasn’t mentioned his continuous infidelity.
    And he apparently views his new job, started with his wedding ring in his pocket, as a new way to troll for sex. And this man is in HR.
    He’s disgusting. I wonder how many people commented to criticize him, and how many agreed.

    • “And he has the nerve to say that his affairs, flings and all the time he spends on finding sexual satisfaction are beneficial for his family.” My STBXFW said the same. He said his affair with a married co-worker was “good for our marriage” because it made me him stop going to strip clubs all the time and realize what he had at home. Except he had to go clubbing and lap dancing “one more time to remove the image of the AF from his brain”. ??? The shit they come up with to justify their entitlement is ASTOUNDING.

    • ““I was a better father, too — simply because my sexual needs were being met.”

      That’s disgusting. Getting laid enough should not change how you are as a father. Sexual satisfaction is not a determinant of how you treat your freakkin’ kids.

    • I like how he brags that he has a great job in HR, as if anyone asked. 10 to 1 he’s inflating his importance, just like he’s doing everywhere else in his letter instead of admitting he’s a barnacle.

      I hope the only reason he’s still married is because his wife’s secretly lining up her ducks. I’d pay good money for a followup letter where he’s crying/raging because “his meanie wife left him out of nowhere!”

  • It’s amazing when you help out around the house and with the kids. Your wife won’t be as tired ????. Also honest, open communication helps.

    My XW used the kids against me when it came to sex. She would put our children between us so that we wouldn’t have sex. I would put them to their own beds/cribs when they fell asleep. My XW would scream at me that I put them back in our bed because we aren’t having sex. In hindsight, after DDay and reading CL, it was because she was cheating and was “loyal” to her AP’s. ????????????

    • I hear you there, Sirchumpalot. I decided fatherhood was the job, and much as I hated the loss of sex (for a long, long time), I just wanted to be a good father. I was the weekend parent while she was out working 80-hour weeks. The thought of cheating never occurred to me. That would be a “solution” kind of like moving to the moon.

      I was shocked when, in counseling, my XW broke down, saying I was “never there for her.” (The counseling I insisted on, in an effort to connect anew with her and fix what was broken.) And yeah, turns out she was having multiple affairs.

  • People like this should get sterilized at puberty and come with a prominent facial tattoo warning. Definitely a sociopath.

    • No subscription but the headline is hilarious. To answer the question posed in it, “Yes, if you were a mistress, the children will always see you that way.”

      • Hi Carolyn: My husband separated from his ex-wife six years ago as result of our affair, and we have been married for three years. There was period of estrangement from his kids (ages 22 to 28 now) around the breakup. After much abject apologizing, talking, accepting responsibility, and frankly extreme financial generosity on my husband’s part — well beyond what was legally required — they now are finally on a path to a better relationship.

        As the mistress, I have been persona non grata from Day One. I accepted that both as a foreseeable consequence and as the better place for their anger than with their dad, so they could someday get on the path they now seem to be on.

        But as they repair their relationship and as I build very cordial relations with his extended family, who have been welcoming and gracious, I find myself unhappy with being the fall guy with his ex and kids. I exist and I no longer want to be treated as if I don’t.
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        His kids and ex explicitly excluded me from the kids’ high school and college graduations these past few years. That was fair, and I supported my husband as he attended. My husband has sought to introduce me to his kids several times, individually or as a group, but they have repeatedly refused, saying they are not ready.

        I am invited to my husband’s niece’s wedding next year — and we plan to go. However, his kids are close with her and will certainly attend. None of them has said anything to their dad yet about my being there, but it’s coming.

        I don’t want to undo all the progress my husband has made, so I am prepared to bow out; he won’t go either, he says, in that case. But when will it end? Am I going to be The Mistress forever? Does adultery carry a life sentence? Appreciate any guidance about how to move forward or if we should just give up trying.
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        — Anonymous

        Anonymous: That’s a (vaguely disingenuous) rhetorical question, right, about the life sentence? Because you must already know it is, if the kids want it to be. They’re the jury. And they don’t have to be fair.

        They have incentive to be fair, sure, on several fronts. First, it wouldn’t be healthy for them to resent you to their graves. General soul stuff.

        Second, they either know their resentment is mostly misplaced, or they refuse to. You were right to volunteer as lightning rod to keep their electric rage off their dad — you owed them at least that — but that was an act of generosity, not logic. Their dad is the one who made and broke promises to Family 1.

        Third, they risk overplaying their hand if they value the bond with their dad, since he’s already weighing boycotts if they keep insisting on leaving you out.
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        Scratch No. 3, though, if they’re thawing with your husband more out of duty than devotion. Then they’ll just walk.

        Again, you have little say here, so I’m saying most of this because I love the sound of my own typing. But there is one practical point: If your husband wants to, he can appeal (again) to the jury to grant you leniency. If you want to, you can ask him to do this. And if his kids want to, they can grant it.

        Or they can re-estrange their dad. That’s the cost-benefit analysis you and he need to do. You decided your priorities when you had the affair and reset them in the aftermath. Your frustration says they’re due for review — and that’s pretty much all you can do.

        • Hax isn’t quite the worst but close. There’s an expression in Argentina that perfectly fits the whole “don’t hate the schmoopie/OWife when it’s the married person who made the vows” nonsense:

          “It’s not the fault of the pig but the one who feeds it.”

          Hax should have just advised Ms.Schmoops here to tell the adults kids this. Don’t blame me– you’re dad fed me! Come to think of it, that applies to sending any questions to Hax. Don’t feed her lol.

    • Trawna, I subscribe to the WP, and I commented on this. I said that yes, she would always be The Mistress (until he dumps her) and deserved it because she’s a homewrecker. And I asked if she really expected to have a relationship with her husband’s children.

      And a couple of other not very complimentary things. Honestly, how can people be so dense?

      It’s one thing if people get divorced, meet somebody after that, and remarry. I accepted my father’s 2nd and 3rd wives after my parents divorced because AFAIK, he became involved with them after my mother had moved out (in the case of #2.) And #3 was several years later.

      But if he’d married one of the women he was cheating with, that would have been a different story. And they were both nice people who treated me very well.

  • And there’s many men who, after having children, don’t want to have sex with their wives. With all the deprecating comments to go along with sexual withdrawing. (Fat, leaking, boring, Madonna whore complex, tired, not attracted anymore). Wives spend years feeling like crap, trying to fix things. Only to find out their spouse is screwing around while depriving wife of a sex life. Makes your head explode. I’m not sure which type is worse. The OP guy or the withholders. All that said, I do think children, as passionately as we love them, put enormous stressors on marriage. My childless friend is still lovey dovey with her spouse after decades of marriage. Yet I doubt they’d be so if they had a couple of kids with all their various moods and issues and, of course, puke. I kind of think you just never know what will adversely affect your life, even when it all brings such joy. My ex loves his children but he really didn’t want them. He was terribly selfish with sharing time with us. But my life was happy and my marriage dreadful simultaneously having had them. Isigh. I still hate him. I kind of hate most men as a whole group now. With exceptions made for sons and grands and good husbands of friends. There are a few out there. Somewhere. After never having a moment to myself, I now enjoy my alone time so much. I just try not to let it show. I’m rarely lonely. I guess after you’ve experienced the chaotic life of being with a difficult spouse who then cheats and the lies!! — that’s such a torturous time – being free is like drinking the cleanest, cool water on earth. I really don’t want to hate anyone, even my ex. But it’s still a struggle. I really haven’t found a mature way to deal with the aftermath of rejection and betrayal in marriage. Ok I’m rambling here. Let’s just say I hope the guy in this letter gets hit by a bus on his way to the club.

    • Yep, while I was scrimping and doing without so fw could have his almighty boat and camp sites, gear etc; he was also romancing and spending money on dinners and gifts for the town whore.

      And if anyone wonders how these whores allow themselves to be kept in the dark, they do it to keep the cash cow producing. They know good and well as soon as the secret is out the good times are over. Whether they marry the fw or not. After all they already know what the wife is treated like.

      And please no lectures on how he is the issue not the ow. They are both seeped in deception and theft of another persons life, plain and simple.

      They can work it out with their God, but on earth they are pond scum. And they know it or they wouldn’t hide it.

      • Thank you Susie Lee! Totally agree. Both FW and OW are scumbags. I get incensed when people defend that disgusting troll to me and claim I should have compassion for her. I don’thave ANY compassion for her. I love knowing that the life she stole is a new form of hell. She chose it by trying to step into my place and gets what she deserves – all the devaluation and put-downs are hers to own now. I want to scream, “You can’t be me BITCH and I’m Free!”

        • TSINMS–

          I don’t get the people who defend witting side dishes and argue that placing any amount of responsibility on them somehow removes responsibility from the cheater. There’s plenty of blame to go around and it’s not like the sentence for the getaway driver removes time from the sentence of the heist man. Did the standard change and receivers of stolen goods and other various accessories to ill deeds are unilaterally considered innocent?

          There are only five reasons not to hold accountable a person who’d bonk a married person.

          1) Coercion: an economically endangered single parent who fears being fired or deported; situations of serious blackmail and the like.

          2) Rape.

          3) Clinically diminished mental capacity.

          4) Genuinely didn’t know marital status of other party but only if they stop things the instant they do know.

          5) Necrophilia.

  • OMFG. I mean… OMFG! Just when you think you’ve maxed out on “I can’t even” moments… this happens. I don’t even know enough words with which to condemn his revolting narcissism, his lack of self-awareness, his misogyny, his … fucking everything. Thank the GODS for the UBT. I mean there’s nothing redeemable here, at all.

    Regrets kids? Pissed that wife cares about their kids, dresses for herself instead of him, and is tired? Gives no fucks about either his family or his strange? Has no regrets for being a lying cheating liar who lies and cheats? Check.

    I hope his wife finds out but god I hope the daughters never find out that their Dad regrets their existence. I mean JFC I CANNOT EVEN WITH HIS VILE SHIT. Excuse me while I go bathe in bleach.

    Also, and of course this is far from the worst line but: “I had to do the hard work like emptying the dishwasher”?
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Not enough Fuck You in all the land.

    • What got me was…

      “But there are only so many times you can hear a woman say how tired and exhausted she is before recognising that the problem isn’t with you, it’s with her.”

      It’s hard to believe anyone can write that sentence without a speck of insight or self-awareness. He’s one of those idiots who’ll still be wondering why his kids refuse to visit him in the nursing home.

      I hope his dick rots off and his wife cleans him out in the divorce.

  • I have to take a crack at this.

    “The birth of your children is supposed to be the pinnacle of married life. So, after almost 20 years of marriage and with two fantastic daughters, am I thanking my lucky stars that my wife and I made the leap from partners to parents?

    In short, no. A shocking thing to say? Yes, absolutely. But there’s more: the truth is, deep down, I don’t think any man ever wants to swap those heady days of coupledom for becoming a family unit.”

    I speak for all men, everywhere, on the whole planet. I am incapable of conceiving of a man who is not a selfish piece of garbage and as entitled as me. No, every man on earth thinks exactly like me, and only ever of sex and how much of it he can get. That’s the truth because I say it is.

    “Who can deny that children introduce stress and strife into a relationship? And parenthood often turns a formerly loving couple into, at best, exhausted comrades in arms — at worst, adversaries.”

    I have no idea how to be a good father or husband, and I’m too stupid to consider that maybe I didn’t actually want kids so of COURSE I never had an honest conversation about it, so I’m just going to continue to assume the worst possible thing about parenthood and family I can to shove aside my own failures.

    “I’ve been married for 20 years and over the past five, I’ve had several affairs and numerous flings. And — be as disapproving as you like — I don’t regret it.”

    I’m hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, and the arrogant self-assurance that my wife won’t find out. If she does, I’ll just blame her anyway (see below.)

    “In my mid-40s with a decent career in human resources, how do I get away with it?”

    (ignores the fact that nobody actually asked him.)

    “At first, everything was great. We had lots in common, enjoyed spending time together and had a great sex life, making love every day. Sex with her was the best and always left me feeling satisfied, like I could take on the world.”

    I have channeled that same take-on-the-world feeling into cheating bombast.

    “Within a year of marriage, our eldest daughter arrived and, two years later, we were a family of four.

    Raising two daughters changed me profoundly — in good ways, to begin with. I became much more patient and tolerant, knowing I had to put them — and my wife — first, which I did happily.”

    All of this is a total lie, I have no patience, I don’t tolerate any attention not given to ME, and I am the only person I put first.

    “Suddenly, the woman I desired, and who used to desire me, would barely touch me. If I tried to initiate sex she would move away or say she was tired, leaving me upset and frustrated.”

    How dare she have no energy to suck me off after taking care of two toddlers all day without any help from me? I’m shaking her when she’s trying to sleep and pointing at my dick, she should know how to accommodate me. Women don’t need any actual seduction right? The hookers just do what I tell them, what’s her problem?

    “It turned out we differed on how to raise the children, too. I believed they should slot into our lives, not the other way round.”

    My life should not change at all and the children, even when only two and five, should shape their schedules around mine.

    “But she was more interested in mother-and-toddler groups and swimming lessons than us or me.”

    Have I mentioned I have absolutely no idea how being a parent works? The kids and my wife raising them should be slotted around my boner.

    “Four years into our marriage, we had a two-year-old and a baby — and a non-existent sex life.”

    Pregnancy takes, what, two days to heal? We should have gone back to daily sex already!

    “Before, my wife used to make the effort to seduce me, doing her hair, make-up and striving to look her most attractive. But post-kids, all efforts dropped off a cliff. She would live day-in, day-out, in baggy T-shirts and jogging bottoms. If I’m honest, I felt cheated and deprived.”

    I feel deprived of the constant appeasement of sexy women I am ENTITLED too. How come she doesn’t look sexy 24/7 raising children that I literally NEVER help her with because I am too busy with my HR job, texting bar hookups, and clubbing? I should be coming home to a most-attractive woman every night. Remember how I said the kids are supposed to work their schedules around my libido?

    “I was expected to carry out the hard but necessary jobs around the house — washing the car, emptying the dishwasher and, of course, helping out with the childcare”

    I actually had to PUT AWAY THE SPOONS. Can you believe the audacity of this woman? Do you know how many spoons we have?!

    “But there are only so many times you can hear a woman say how tired and exhausted she is before recognising that the problem isn’t with you, it’s with her. Something in my brain shifted.”

    Instead of considering my wife’s feelings and needs when she expresses she is exhausted and she actually needs my help as a father and husband to run the household, I decided it’s her problem that she can’t do everything herself and still service my dick.

    “I tried to keep it to this — at first. But within six months I was out at a club at least one night every weekend. I would chat to countless women each evening. Some I would see again, others I would flirt with over text messages because I was enjoying the attention.”

    One night every weekend I lie to my wife and completely disappear on her after she told me how exhausted and desperate she was needing help with raising the kids I got the fun part of making. But look, I get attention from women. COUNTLESS women even. So see? I’m that special. It’s just my exhausted, tired, run-down, wife’s problem.

    “How I dressed on nights out was different, too; I kept my new wardrobe hidden in the office. I was already in good shape, and started buying more expensive clothes, tailored to enhance my physique.
    The biggest difference was that my confidence — along with my sexual mojo — was back.”

    After complaining about how sloppy my wife dresses, I only dress nicely for other women, never for her. All my money and energy on looking good is spent on everyone BUT her. The other women all WANT me, my pHySiqUe. Can’t figure out why my wife isn’t interested. Hmm…must be her laziness.

    “We saw each other for three heady months. Then I ended things when she began to fall for me — it needed to be carefree.”

    I’m nOt lOoKiNg fOr aNyTHinG SERiOuS rIgHt nOw…reminds me of my days in the frat…

    “Infidelity is my coping mechanism”

    What’s therapy? Is that something my wife needs?

    • “I speak for all men, everywhere, on the whole planet. I am incapable of conceiving of a man who is not a selfish piece of garbage and as entitled as me. No, every man on earth thinks exactly like me, and only ever of sex and how much of it he can get. That’s the truth because I say it is.”

      Assholes who say this will then insist un-ironically in the same breath nOt aLl mEn.

  • I legit wondered if this was written by my FW – except he doesn’t work in HR. That’s literally the only difference. He too expressed to me the “kids should just revolve around my needs and wants” parenting philosophy. And the “I understand you’re tired, so just give me a BJ”. I remember one morning in particular – I got the kids solidly entertained so I could have FIVE minutes to myself in the shower and FW noticed and slipped in with me. I told him, only interested in getting clean. He sulked and stomped around like a child yelling “don’t you want to make me happy?” I looked right at him and said it’s not my job to make you happy. I swear that was the beginning of the end.

  • If that’s how you honestly feel, why get married? Why stay married?

    Oh. It’s because you are a self-centered jerk that uses people for your own gratification.

    Cheating is not because of one’s partner or one’s relationship. Cheating is a primary symptom that one is a self-centered soul rapist. And that goes for all parties in the illicit illegitimate relationship.

    Thank you for publishing your severely disordered thinking. May I also request a forehead tattoo so you can be identified in the wild?

    Maybe a variation on King Cheater lll’s new royal cipher.

    I am always charmed when one’s published defenses of their convictions are signed “anonymous”.

    • “May I also request a forehead tattoo so you can be identified in the wild?”

      hahah and YES, a forehead tattoo would be helpful. That’s all we ask.

  • I’m hoping that the ageing process gives this sack of shit the consequences that he deserves. If they haven’t already, his spouse and children will likely increasingly recognize him for the shallow void that he is, the fawning schmoopies will drop off as he sags and his shortcomings become more difficult to conceal, other than the vultures who will eagerly anticipate his death benefits.

    • I don’t doubt the aging process is already giving him some consequences. “I’m already in shape so I wear clothes to enhance my physique” sounds exactly like a narcissistic exaggeration of his appearance. I don’t believe for a second he’s as hot as he claims.

      • Lol. Science agrees with you: “Narcissistic men and women think they are so hot – But they are not.” https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886908001967

        The researchers were responding to a conundrum in past studies of narcissism which relied on the self-reported attractiveness and what is termed “mate value” of people who score high on narcissism. Narcissists typically rated themselves high and some began to wonder if this finding was objective enough to be taken as fact and to form conclusions in related research that narcissists are especially attractive. Apparently not.

      • Yep. It only gets harder for narcissists to live up to their magical mirrors as they age, and maintaining kibble supply from increasingly younger schmoopies requires both a hefty pocketbook and a willingness to be mistaken for dad or grandpa.

        • One of my exes (cheater through and through…) was so full of himself when he noticed his hairline had begun to recede, he said “That’s fine, Jason Statham is balled so I can pull this off.”

          I’m over here thinking…wow…he compared himself to Jason Statham. That’s where he ranks himself.

          • And I’m sure all your ex’s APs were British supermodels and Australian pop stars. The AP in my situation looked like Yogi, the dog with the human face.

            • Well with Mr. Jason Statham it was a girl 9 years younger than him and a coworker’s daughter he was “just hanging out with because she doesn’t have many friends.” The 20-year-old was suddenly pregnant with a baby that was “totally not his, it’s her ex’s. Her ex hates me, I don’t know why. But she wants me to help raise her baby. Don’t know where she got that idea, I’m not the dad…”

              Uh huh…Thanking the powers of goodness that was a short relationship.

          • One of my cheating exes refused to cut his long hair even as he started going bald in his 20s.

            Since then his hairline’s retreated all the way to Russia, but he STILL refuses to cut it. So now he looks honest to God like Riff Raff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

  • You slot appointments not people into your life.
    The fabulous new wardrobe fund should have been delegated toward help since the husband was worthless in that department.
    When you’re the only one raising them of course they’ll get all the attention.
    I got accused of that too.
    Hoping he was so unashamed he told her all about it so she could decide what to do with her life and hoping she left his sorry ass because he already left her.

  • I don’t even have words for this revolting POS. If it’s true, & not just written to get clicks, this guy completely missed the lessons on basic human kindness and responsibilities, and now he is raising 2 daughters.
    I lost my coffee at this: “I was expected to carry out the hard but necessary jobs around the house — washing the car, emptying the dishwasher and, of course, helping out with the childcare.”
    Hard jobs? Expectations? I guess he didn’t adult for himself way back when. And he probably posed as a functional person.

  • I read that 10% of cheaters begin their first adventure during the wife’s first pregnancy. In hindsight, I suspect that is when my FW began.

    • The ex did and 27 ys later she’s still a side piece. She may be okay with the others and prostitutes. I’m pretty sure her only kid is his and not her husbands which worked because he has zero responsibility for that one too.
      Something recently fell into my hands from her to him and she had his middle name incorrect. He hated his middle name ( rhymes with coward) He used my brothers name. I wanted to puke. Always a liar.

      • Lmfao! My ex-FW’s name rhymes with Coward. Probably a birth certificate typo for the future avoidant narc, serial-cheating POS.

        ????????????????????

    • It is funny how years after the dust settles one can remember back and see signs of a budding fuckwit.

      I remember when we first were married he told me one night that right now he gets turned on just by looking at me, but some day I would need to do more. (he was trying to talk me into doing a BJ). Remember I was only 18 and he was my first so I was totally clueless. Anyway I learned, and it became as with many a part of our life.

      But thinking back to that I wish I had said ok fair enough, but what are you going to do to get me excited when the first flush dies down. It was all about him.

      These ass wipes are FW’s from the beginning, they don’t change at mid life.

  • I’m sure this guy is great (sarcasm) at handling harassment claims in his role as HR tsar. Reminds me of Matthew McFadyen’s sinister turn as HR harassment-report-snuffer in The Assistant. https://www.facebook.com/TheAssistantFilm/videos/julia-garner-matthew-macfadyen-in-the-assistant/162973985007167/

    There’s a reason HR in many industries is commonly staffed with fuckwits and aged-out former office doorknobs. They’re gatekeepers.

    • And they work for the company they are not for the employee. I wish more folks understood that.

      I am not saying they don’t have a place and that they don’t provide some valuable assistance when needed, but be aware they exist to have the companies back.

      • Of course not all are the enemy. Some are grossly overqualified because the position can apparently be receptacle for women who were aiming for top posts and creative positions but hit the glass ceiling and had to regroup. In any case, 71% of HR personnel are white and female. When companies try to whitewash themselves as equal opportunity, most of the “women in leadership” they boast of are in HR.

  • Ugh, even among the non-cheating men out there, the entitlement is absurd. A month or so ago, I was dabbling on a dating app and matched with a divorced dad that lived nearby. I asked him why he was divorced. His reply, “I wasn’t a priority after my wife had our kids.” No shit Sherlock! What the hell? He too complained about the dead bedroom (then where did baby #2 come from?). Proceeded to blow up my phone CONSTANTLY all weekend. Eww, I was so turned off by this entitled, needy man-baby. When I let him know I wasn’t feeling a connection and didn’t want to stay in touch, he wanted to know why, because he disagreed and thought we had a lot in common! Sorry dude, we like a couple of the same hobbies, but we are not the same kind of people. (I didn’t elaborate. I don’t owe dudes an in-depth explanation of my “no” they can accept it with grace and move on.)

    • I was never accused of a dead bedroom, fw as bad as he treated me, couldn’t look me in the face and say that. I sometimes wonder if what some of these ass wipes mean by a dead bedroom is the new relationship spark is gone, and sex has become more predictable. Which of course it is, that can not last. Healthy adults in a long term relationship balance sex with a lot of other parts of life.

      In dating one courts and treats his intended well, gives her time and gifts, compliments etc, yet many of them won’t do that for wives but will sneak out and do it for random whores.

      Viagra not withstanding, most men come to an age where having and keep an erection is difficult, so what do they do then roll over and tell the spouse oh well its over? No if they are a loving spouse they up their game in alternate ways, (more than one way to skin a cat and all) and if they had done that when they were young maybe an exhausted wife would have been more in the mood.

      • My ex killed the bedroom with his immaturity and fear of intimacy, entitlement and selfishness, secret daily porn use, sexism, heavy drinking, slovenliness, burping and farting. That was pretty much him from the start. Then the years of undiscovered cheating and related projection and resentment he misdirected at me made things worse. Eventually, I moved into my own bedroom so I could have a safe, clean, quiet space in the chaos of that house. I got tired of being treated like dirt, poked and jabbed, having the covers ripped off me. He’d ignore me and put his back to me, jamming the covers between us, and I’d go to sleep crying at how unwanted and lonely I felt — silently, so he wouldn’t hear me and get angry. If I ever tried to “fix” it, he’d gaslight me or make passive aggressive comments to subtly reinforce my growing feelings of worthlessness.

        I was young and attractive, but he made me feel undesirable and cold. He blamed the “dead bedroom” on me and my insecurities, and I internalized it. He blamed his initial cheating on me moving into my own room. And when I moved back into “his” bedroom, when I made efforts, guess what? Nothing changed. DDay 2, I learned that he’d been cheating for years before I finally moved out of the bedroom. It was eye opening, as the fog of abuse cleared, to realize I was never the problem. He was. I believe that now, but this knowledge doesn’t give me my youth back. I wasted so much of my life on that fool, and now I’m terrified of intimacy. I can’t even imagine it. Love is out of the question.

    • Not only don’t you owe dudes an explanation, but they’ll use any info you give them to better manipulate the next woman.

      When I’ve broken up with assholes, I learned early to give them no explanation or only 1/10 of it, so they couldn’t try to manipulate me OR future women.

  • This is Mr. Sparkles to a “T”… only across 2 marriages, but creating 3 families with children. In his personal ads he would write “I’m just missing that spark that comes at the beginning”… “I’m not looking to change mine or anyone else’s position”… and to me he would say “we don’t have sex anymore… you put the kids first”… all the while moving all of my stepchildren and his adult brother to move in with us (and our toddler) at one time or another without it changing his ability to “go shoot pool” or “go to the gym” or just sit on his ass while I work full-time, cook, clean, and raise the kids. Did I feel sexy? Did I miss sex? You betcha. BUT like CL and CN like to say RECIPROCITY IS SEXY… my husband would’ve had a better mate if he had been a better mate.

    Cheating doesn’t make you a better partner to your spouse. Obvious, but they seem to miss out on that little fact.

    Now, my f*ckwit went to deeper levels as well… multiple online personas BiMWM; DWM; MWM looking for a couple… and there is a special place in hell for him. Because no wife or girlfriend appliance will satisfy a man who doesn’t even know who he is. (That’s for the folks in the back thinking they’ll change for the next one…)

    It’s entitlement, plain and simple. Leave a cheater, gain a life. Thanks UBT… once again, you’ve worked wonders!

    • His personal ads said it all, “ I just miss the spark that comes at the beginning,” All he ever wants is the beginning, thats the fun part. What woman would respond to that ad? A shallow one!

      • Anyone, man or woman, who is somehow a grown ass adult and says “I miss the spark that comes at the beginning” pretty much outs themselves as someone who is not capable of handling a mature relationship and only wants the honeymoon phase. They stamp their own foreheads with a “NO.”

      • MTE. Spark is fun when you’re 17. Once you’ve gotten a taste of the real world, you want reliability and shared values – unless you never emotionally developed beyond childhood, of course, which explains cheaters.

  • My FW used to say to kids that if mom and dad get a divorce it
    is their fault because they caused us too much stress. Luckily, the kids saw through that and see his behavior and formed their opinions based on that. Not what he says. WTF says that to kids?

  • Wow!! What a Stella guy. Can’t wait to meet him so I can castrate him with my hegde shears….

    Did I say that out loud ????

  • If you don’t sleep with a man and kill your marital sex life, this is what happens. I don’t know what to tell you. Put out maybe? You’re still a wife do your duty.

  • I’ve been writing cheater haiku.

    Infidelity
    Syllables are medicine
    For terrible pain

    Behati Prinsloo
    She’s a model and pregnant
    It ain’t about us

    To the Homewreckers
    Karma has your addresses
    Justice has been served

    Stick with the winners
    Relationship Idiot
    Leaves and creates space

    Liar cheater thief
    This is not someone who loves
    Better to let go

    A loyal partner
    An honest and kind person
    That is what love is

    Beware a person
    Who will hurt their family
    That’s a warning sign

    Breaking promises
    Having secret double lives
    Is what losers do

    When you stay classy
    They get no ammunition
    To prove lies they tell

    I have a lot more
    They help to keep my thinking
    Out of the Fire Swamp

  • I got part of that lecture when my ex called to say he wanted a divorce. It all went downhill when we had kids. Said kids were in college then, and he was going all the way back and blaming me for that. I’ll note that he became very career-focused during that period, which was very hard on both me and the children. I made excuses for him, but the reality is that I was neglected too. The emotional part of the marriage was dying, and obligation sex was sucking the life out of me. I mentioned all that to my therapist, and her burning question was, “Why did he wait so long to say that? Why didn’t he view parenting as a shared responsibility?”

    He waited so long because he had a long list of my faults and failings that he was using to justify his decision. His relatives had contributed to that list, digging into every aspect of our marriage from courtship to separation. They claimed that they were trying to help us reconcile, but they were adding to the crumbling foundation. There was a sick type of manipulation going on with my ex and his side of the family, so I closed the door on all of them.

    When I asked for a separation, he took off many states away to rent a place close to the beach. If he had said “I want to be single now,” everything would have been easier, but he insisted that we were still working on things. No, we weren’t. He was blaming and vague about how he spent his time. So we divorced.

    Ironically, that area was under mandatory evacuation yesterday and is being hammered by Hurricane Ian today. I hope that my ex was smart about the situation, but I could see him choosing to stay in place. Not my committee, of course.

  • My Husband: I want you to understand why I am leaving you now that our daughters are in college and thriving. I ask that you think back to how engaged you were when they were children. How many times did you dress them, bathe them, take them to school events, cheer them on at school plays, ferry them to their friends’ houses, take them to the park, read to them, be there for them when life was cruel and celebrate with them when life was wonderful. In my recollection, rarely. My memories of you over the last twenty years are you grousing about emptying the dishwasher, grumbling about pulling out the lawnmower once every two weeks. Complaining about performing simple household chores like I was asking you to climb Mt. Everest. On the nights they needed help with their schoolwork, you went out clubbing. By yourself. When you complained about the cost of their clothes, schooling, trips, etc., and yelling at me about how much shoes cost from M&S, you were buying yourself expensive designer clothes and then trying to hide them from me. I know you have a closet full of exceptionally expensive outfits at your office because the secretary you fucked and then dropped told me about your numerous and constant affairs. Why would I sleep with a man who’d fuck a milk bottle if it were handy? There is a litany of examples I could list about what a selfish person you have become over the years but I am done with you. The children and I are clearly a burden to you and have always been so. I do wonder why you got married and had children. I doubt it had anything to do with me because your total indifference to me as a person for the last nineteen years is obvious. No one wants to feel like a whore. And when you placed your sexual desires above every other consideration, it make me feel like a total fucking whore. I don’t think you even saw my face, You reduced me to a hole. This hole is now leaving you. There are plenty of holes out there. Have a good time. Because that’s what matters to you most. At some point, I will get over my self-disgust in being married to a man who has the emotional depth of a teaspoon and whose true love is his dick. In fact, I felt that disgust diminishing the moment I stepped into my solicitor’s office.

  • Dear God let this woman find out about these affairs and find a man who adds some kind of value. This is the opposite of what anyone looks for in a partner – another chore. Poor daughters he sees them as standing in his way, I can only imagine how he will treat them when they are old enough to call him out on being such a scumbag.

  • What is it about dirty dishes with FWs?! Many years ago I had to leave my American FW to cope for himself for ten whole days (gasp!) while I visited family in the UK. I left the fridge stacked with pre-prepped food and a full pantry. When I got back, every single surface and the sinks were full of dirty dishes. Nothing had been washed in my absence. “That’s your job!” he said sulkily. I should have left right there and then. Considering a lot of other awful stuff that went on later, I often wonder why I remember “the dishes incident” so clearly…

    • There’s something about dishes and FW’s. My ex husband would let the dishes pile up and pile up. He’d swear he was going to do them, and then would be off doing something with whoever and I would end up doing them. One time he said he was going to do them, and I was so fed up I decided to wait to see how long it would take him to actually do them. He never did. I came home and there were so many dishes piled up, he was god knows where, and I ended up having to do the dishes IN THE BATHTUB because there was just. SO. MUCH. I think we had gone through almost every piece of flatware, silverware, and cookware we owned.

      That sure as hell sticks out in my mind.

    • When I went to get my marital home ready to sell (FW had been living in it and I hadn’t been there for a year, but OW was over there a lot), the sink was full of dirty dishes that WERE GROWING MOLD. The fridge was full of rotting, moldy, or completely dehydrated food. There were dirty pans on the stove and rotting food on the counters. The dishwasher wasn’t working because he never clean the filter and it was completely clogged.

      When I went to clean out FW’s rental house after he died – SAME EXACT THING.

  • He has to empty the dishwasher. Those aren’t EXAMPLES of chores, those are very specific. He didn’t even wash the fucking dishes, let alone cook. In conclusion, I want to harm this person. The end.

    • Ok I actually finished the column, seems like CL and I agree…

      Coping mechanism for what trauma exactly? Having to be an adult and not a spoiled child? Entitlement knows no bounds, and apparently smug, self-satisfied gloating that he solved his own problem and left everyone else in the lurch is his version of talk therapy.

    • I worked a full time job, and was going to school after our son was grown. Asshole did nothing but sit his ass in his chair and I brought him his drinks (non alcohol) and dinner. All the asshole would eat was macaroni and butter, so he wasn’t even fun to cook for.

      Anyway by about ten I was exhausted and had to crash, and usually about an hour later he would come in and say I can’t sleep I am going to ride around with one of the guys, or the mayor wants me to check on this or that and boom he was gone for several hours. At first I believed him, but it didn’t take long before I knew.

      Good news is he absolutely decimated his own life, and of course destroyed mine; but I was able to crawl out of the rubble and live a better life. But I definitely had to start over.

      What I didn’t anticipate was the fun I would have rebuilding. I actually got to have the excitement of a new life and new relationship and gifts and dinners and I didn’t have to hide it.

      Unknown to me at the time, he was dropping further and further into gambling, and nastiness to other folks. He and whore were quite the team, I don’t think it turned out anything like they dreamed about post fuck fests.

  • My FW, who did very few chores and the ones he did he expected a brass band, filled out the census one time saying he did 10~15 hours housework per week and I did none. Yeah fulltime SAH mum and he was barely at home so dont think so. For years I just thought the silly duffer was oblivious but I now recognize that he announced this to me because he was and still is a gaslighting mofo. He now does it through my lawyer which is so obvious it is hilarious.
    The census usually indicates women overwhelmingly do most of housework and childcare but even those stats are probably skewed due to false reporting.

      • yes well as you know entitled white spoilt brats with no skills or talent have to convince others they deserve all those resources and privileges that have been thrown at them due to hard work and gumption not plain dumb luck.

        I lived on a farm and could have used a cattle prod on him everytime he spoke but didnt think of it until now.

  • Argh! I had re-written the whole thing from his wife’s perspective. Then the site crashed momentarily just as I finished editing. It took me 45 minutes to write it and, not to sound immodest, it was rather amusing.
    ????

  • OH MY GODDESS! What a whiny , nasty , self-inflated, egotistical POS! Waa Waa, I’m not getting any. Toddler throwing a huge tantrum. I hope when she finds out, she throws him off a very high place.

  • Oh, wow. How did the UBT handle ‘any’ of this?

    “It turned out we differed on how to raise the children, too. I believed they should slot into our lives, not the other way round.” What a narcissist.

    Having children is a life changing decision, and raising them is going to be the center of your life for years. A lot of work and sacrifice is required, which is why I didn’t have children. I didn’t want to do the work and make the sacrifices.

    This reminds me of what I’ve seen with a lot of women I’ve worked with. It appeared they were working full time, doing all of the housework and laundry, and doing all the childcare. I know I was only hearing one side of the story, but I used to wonder, if their husbands are really that uninvolved in family life, why not get divorced?

    Yes, this person comes across as just wanting a wife appliance, not a life partner. I hope his wife figures out that he’s cheating and divorces him!

    (And I’ve got to say, I had no idea it was such hard work emptying the dishwasher.)

  • “I was expected to carry out the hard but necessary jobs around the house — washing the car, emptying the dishwasher and, of course, helping out with the childcare.” Those are all basic chores that you give to the older children. Key word: children. WTF is this guy’s problem??

  • If you want a window into the thinking of an immature narcissistic male who couldn’t keep his vows past his wife giving birth, have at this. Two common types of male cheaters: the ones who are jealous of a wife paying attention to newborn children and the ones who feel that way but wait until the kids are almost aged out of needing child support.

    • Yes, I’ve often wondered if he knew that, but I kept my mouth shut. The youngest was months away from turning eighteen when he left. The attorney I consulted said it would be cheaper to just stall until the milestone was reached, but that a judge was not going to require a college girl to get on a plane every other weekend to visit her dad in a hotel room anyway. That was just too many ways wrong.

      He never brought it up.

  • He was attracted to perfect bodies and addicted to porn and sex. Now I know better. I should have left the first time he criticized my body. Big unacceptable red flag.

  • “All the while, I was expected to carry out the hard but necessary jobs around the house — washing the car, emptying the dishwasher and, of course, helping out with the childcare.
    You expect to do these things as part of family life and, when you have a satisfying sex life, you don’t mind. But I had no sex life and I minded that very much.” (It’s hard not to imagine clubbing this man to a pulp.)
    He’s writing in to a paper because he TRULY, in all his massive delusionment, believes he has justifications to feel this way!! He sees no problem with that!
    Yeah, there is nothing to work with here at all. I hope his wife escapes sooner than I did.
    His cheating is not the only damage this a-hole is causing his family, it’s just the tip of the shitty man’s iceberg. Two words can sum him up quite succinctly:
    HE SUCKS!!!!! ????????

  • Some men might suffer some issues due to their own psychological, issues. My husband was one of those looking for an excuse for his behaviour. We had regular sex even until the night before he ran away. I discovered later he connected with a forum for men unable to get past their traumatic experience of witnessing childbirth. Our youngest was 31 at the time he ran and there was no sign of reluctance in the 30+ intervening years. Any excuse……….

  • This is a bit triggering. This was one of the (many) reasons my ex cited for his cheating. I wasn’t paying enough attention to him when I had a NEWBORN and a severe birth injury (“I’m suffering TOO!” he’d cry. HE wasn’t crapping his pants by accident every other day and in constant pain, but, you know, blowjobs. Gotta have ’em or you die, I guess.).

    I also had post partum depression (undiagnosed as I didn’t really know what depression even looked like until years later – I wasn’t crying or wanting to hurt my baby, so I thought I couldn’t be depressed), I was injured, sleep deprived (I was the one up all night with the baby. He had me sleep in another room so I wouldn’t wake him when I fed the baby during the night. Work is SO HARD. He needed his REST.), but he was constantly on my case for wearing a big (cozy, comfy) sweatshirt most days (post partum body, tender leaky boobs, etc. – I was NOT down for thongs and mini skirts).

    I did 100% of the housework, which suffered a bit with, you know, a NEWBORN, who was high-maintenance (turns out he’s autistic and super sensitive to a lot of stimuli and needs routine) and also a lazy eater – most of my day was literally sitting on the couch feeding him. He’d eat for 45 minutes every two hours. No, I didn’t have much time to vacuum or do my makeup.

    I, sadly, stayed for another 5 years until he dumped me for miss tries-way-too-hard-to-impress-him. I should’ve left when my son was a baby. These guys just get worse and worse. (And how can you say you have no sex if you had TWO kids? Was the other one a spontaneous generation situation or what?)

    I’m a full-time single mom now (ex is dead) and it is SO MUCH EASIER than trying to parent alongside a FW, married or divorced. I wear what clothes I want, do what I want, stopped wearing makeup (and mini skirts – turns out I prefer leggings and flowy tops). I STILL do 100% of the housework, but if I decide to skip vacuuming or doing the dishes because I’m tired, no one can say anything about it. If I wear a cozy sweatshirt when it’s cold, who gives a damn? No one is there to criticize me. My son and I are both much happier. My kid is 10 now.

  • OMG, that Connan gif. Coffee is still burning my nostrils. 😀

    TBF, if he thinks washing the car is “hard,” his incessant whining and overall pointlessness makes a lot more sense. Someone drop this man in the middle of a Chucky Cheese so he can recalibrate his Scale of Great Difficulties.

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