I recently discovered yet another affair, after suspecting it for a year, I even knew who I thought the affair was. I was pregnant during that time, and as the breadwinner in an intense field, working like crazy. He knew it was making me crazy and chose to let me live in my misery (I see now I chose to let myself live there too). Of course, I only now get a confession of an emotional affair after finding phone records, but I suspect that’s not the whole story.
This is his third or fourth affair, the last was when I was pregnant with our first baby.
During that pregnancy, I tried to divorce him (finally! He has been doing this sort of thing long enough) and the state I lived in wouldn’t allow a pregnant woman to file for divorce.
He slept on the couch for a bit but of course, we eventually reconciled. It took a long time but after a year I let my guard down, and you guessed it, pregnancy #2 happened. Shortly thereafter, the all too familiar behavior returned. It was somehow more pain and hurt that time. However, I just recently moved our family across state lines for a job (he told me I was too busy at work and needed less stress, THEN our marriage would be good again).
During the move, I had a chance to actually investigate my suspicions. Now that I’ve confirmed this affair, I want to divorce, but alas, state requires 6 months of residence. I’ve gotten great legal advice, but it’s damn near impossible to keep my cool for 6 months.
I have feigned reconciliation as much as possible, to keep things as calm as I can and also to allow myself more time to gather evidence. Even found myself falling into the “maybe it’ll be different this time… I’ll just give him once more chance” trap. And during that time, he already found a new girlfriend. I don’t think they’ve had a chance to meet up but they text and FaceTime regularly. It’s truly disgusting.
I have at times lost my cover and become upset, asked him to move out (on my dime), and he is not willing to leave our house. I legally can’t make him. I’m in a cycle of no contact-fake reconciliation-almost real reconciliation-emotional outburst. It’s almost more exhausting than the hellacious year he just put me through.
Anyway! I searched your site for a similar situation, and I don’t see one. Would be grateful for advice of being mandated to live with this man who I currently feel has ruined my life (I know this is an exaggeration and do respect that so many more people have harder things in their lives).
I’ve done marriage counseling, individual counseling, I’m even considering a life coach (I know, I know..). I am desperate to remain level-headed and also not be slowly dying inside while I wait this out. My cover is pretty much blown now, and I think he knows I want out, but I have a PI at the moment just to be thorough).
There’s so many things that need legal reform these days and as uncommon as this situation is, it surely doesn’t need high-level recognition. But damn, This is the second time I was pregnant and cheated on, and I am legally forced to live with this asshole. Gross! (I promise, I really do take ownership for finding myself in this position yet again…)
Who am I and how did I get here
There are many people here, including me, who have barely survived the living-together-while-separated nightmare. I advise you not to do it, if at all humanly possible. No contact is the fastest way to healing and getting your head in the right space to divorce.
I would ask your attorney if the six months of residence to divorce means actually cohabitating. Are you in a fault state? Why the private investigator? Do you have evidence of the other affairs? I’m not a lawyer and this isn’t legal advice, but do press yours on what is possible.
Sadly, there are really fucked up draconian divorce laws still on the books. Virginia I’m looking at you. Some states, if you have kids, you must wait a year and one day, (the extra 24 hours is for spite) before you can even file.
As for the not being able to divorce while pregnant, in Texas and Missouri a judge can decide to hold off on finalizing a divorce until a baby is born for paternity, child support or custody reasons. This is common in those states, but less likely in Arizona, Arkansas and Florida. It is not ILLEGAL, however. People still do divorce while pregnant.
A shout out to anyone divorcing — Womenslaw.org is an excellent resource, explaining the divorce laws for every state. If you’re in a domestic violence situation, they also have a help line.
The sticky wicket when separating is child custody. In a perfect world, you work out a separation agreement on visitation. With a FW this is damn near impossible, because cake. Why should they give up all the perks and privileges?
It sounds to me like you’re trying to lull him into a false sense of security before you lower the boom. The fake reconciliation, the living together… Look, I’m not judging. Do whatever you have to do. But before you sacrifice your mental health, make sure you know what the legal options are. Is evidence of an affair really going to help you?
Often times chumps go on quests for information, when really they have enough evidence of a spouse’s suckitude. That said, I’ve read a few cases here where the evidence helped. But in general, adultery is usually a big shrug to judges.
Theft of marital resources — money spent on paramours — judges DO care about that. So put your evidence together. As we say here: Document, document, document!
Also document everything you do for your children — doctor’s appointments, financial contributions, bed time routines, all of it. And what he does. Schmoopie life tends to cut into family time.
I have at times lost my cover and become upset, asked him to move out (on my dime), and he is not willing to leave our house. I legally can’t make him. I’m in a cycle of no contact-fake reconciliation-almost real reconciliation-emotional outburst.
Right-o. This is the cycle of abuse. You’re living it.
To survive the next six months, you’re going to need iron clad boundaries. Don’t sleep with him. Don’t anything for him. Leave him to his FaceTime floozies. You’ve got two small children and a demanding career. You can fill your hours with things that aren’t FW drama. DO NOT ENGAGE.
Will you blow your cover? You already did. He knows you’re on the way out — you asked him to go. If he demands to know your plans — be a cipher. You don’t know. You’re just consumed by a fog of indecision. Meanwhile — keep lining up those ducks.
I’m turning the floor over to CN now — how did you survive in-house separation? Advice? Tactics? War stories?